Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - May 25, 2018


Get Off My Lawn Podcast #53 | Women are insane

Topics
paralyzed women and leg presentation
Hosted by
Gavin McInnes
Mentioned
Jesse Lee Peterson Oprah Paul Rubens Terry Richardson Webster Hall Queen Pee Wee Herman Handicapped Date Jordan Peterson Woody Harrelson Marilyn Monroe Robert Redfield Nita Fashions Nicole Kidman Seth Goldfarb Chris Bedford Irving Plaza LeBron James Courtney Cox Oscar Wilde and 13 more
Ep 133 | Weed My Lips | Get Off My Lawn Ep 134 | Panic In Needle Park | Get Off My Lawn

Episode Stats


Length

40 minutes

Words per minute

162.03

Word count

6,511

Sentence count

585

Harmful content

Misogyny

69

sentences flagged

Toxicity

193

sentences flagged

Hate speech

41

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

In this episode, I talk about how women are insane and why we should stop dating them. I also talk about a woman who wants to buy me clothes and does a weird thing with a guy's clothes. And I talk a little bit about why I think women are nuts and why they don't want to get married and have kids. And then I go on a rant about how we need to stop trivializing women who are older and have more kids and why it's time for them to get a ring on it. I also give my thoughts on Jordan Peterson and how he's a racist and how we should all be doing our part to make sure he gets what he deserves. And I answer a question about women who want to be married at 50 and have a bunch of kids at 45 and then have 10 kids at 50. I don't even know what that means, but it's probably not a good thing. I guess I'll let you know what I think about it, because I think it's a bad idea and I hope you agree with me that women don't deserve to be in a relationship with a man who's older than you. I mean, let's be honest, they're crazy. They don't have the balls to do what they want to do and they're not even trying to have kids at the same time, so why not get married when they're 50? I'm not even thinking about getting married at 40? yet? And why is it a good idea to have sex at 40, let alone have kids when you're 50 years old? and still have a job at 35 years old and still be capable of having kids at 35? Why not have a nice life and then get married at 45? What's the difference between you're not having sex at 35 and you're getting a ring at 40 and you still have it at 45, you're still got it all? Let's talk about it? of course you can have a life and you have a baby at 40 years old at 35, but you can still be a woman with a kid at 49 and you don't feel like you're having it all at 35 or you have it's all the same thing you want to have a good life at 50, you can be a good deal of money and you can't have it all you want it at 40 or you don t have it, you have to be having a good job and it's better than that?

Transcript

Transcripts from "Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes" are sourced from the Knowledge Fight Interactive Search Tool. Explore them interactively here.
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Toxicity classifications generated with s-nlp/roberta_toxicity_classifier .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
Topics generated with Qwen2.5-3B-Instruct.
Hosts, guests, and mentioned names generated with spaCy (en_core_web_sm), reconciled against Wikidata.
00:00:01.000 Women are insane. 1.00
00:00:02.000 I was just with a woman, this bunch of dudes, and we were hanging out, having fun, talking shit, shooting the shit. 1.00
00:00:15.000 And then we were talking about clothes, and I was telling my compatriots that a great way to get custom suits if you're a cheap person, as I am, is to go with Nita Fashions, N-I-T-A. 0.99
00:00:29.000 And these are these dudes, they're Indian, they live in Hong Kong, and they go to various cities around America.
00:00:37.000 No, around the Western world every year.
00:00:40.000 Glasgow, London, New York, L.A.
00:00:46.000 I'm sure they do D.C.
00:00:48.000 And they measure you up. 0.98
00:00:50.000 They get your shit on file and then you just like order suits based on various textiles. 0.99
00:00:56.000 It's awesome. 0.98
00:00:57.000 And I have a bunch of custom suits and there's something about a tailored suit like this.
00:01:00.000 The suit I'm wearing right now I believe was only 800 bucks and it's it feels like PJs.
00:01:07.000 I could not be more comfortable.
00:01:09.000 It's as comfortable as jeans.
00:01:12.000 So I recommend that to my bros.
00:01:15.000 And they take a picture of the inside of my lapel because it has the Nita Fashion logo.
00:01:20.000 And then the woman I'm with says, um, uh, you guys need to find someone who has a fetish for you and, uh, uh, have them buy you clothes.
00:01:32.000 And then you send a picture to them of you in the outfit.
00:01:37.000 And I go, uh, A, that's not happening.
00:01:42.000 Women are not attracted to me. 1.00
00:01:45.000 I've been monogamous with my wife for our entire marriage, but it's not for want of trying. 0.98
00:01:54.000 They are not kicking down the front door to get to the G. I have not had to refuse a lot of blowjobs. 0.75
00:02:00.000 In fact, I've had to refuse zero. 0.99
00:02:06.000 So, no woman, or gay, I guess. 0.98
00:02:09.000 Maybe some gays. 1.00
00:02:11.000 Want to buy me shit so I can send them pictures. 1.00
00:02:14.000 That's a female thing. 1.00
00:02:15.000 And the woman I'm talking about was very buxom. 1.00
00:02:19.000 So I understand that there's some weirdo who wants to, you know, buy her clothes and stuff.
00:02:25.000 But it just seemed like a weird thing to bring up.
00:02:29.000 Because it's obviously not conducive to a normal conversation.
00:02:32.000 She clearly doesn't think that this is an option for us.
00:02:35.000 So what she was really saying was, I do this weird depraved thing.
00:02:39.000 What do you guys think?
00:02:41.000 And what we think is, that's weird and depraved. 0.96
00:02:45.000 It's prostitution. 1.00
00:02:48.000 But it reminded me that women are nuts. 1.00
00:02:50.000 And I've always said women aren't nuts in God's plan. 1.00
00:02:55.000 When they came up with the design, with the rib from the guy, it was a normal chick. 0.98
00:03:04.000 But what we've done with our baby boomer divorce and all these other things is we've desecrated the female and turned her into a mess. 1.00
00:03:14.000 And I call this a shit chest. 0.99
00:03:17.000 Specifically, 0.99
00:03:20.000 Iron Man has a glowing orb in his chest, right?
00:03:28.000 That blue thing?
00:03:29.000 That makes him magic and it saves his life and all that stuff.
00:03:31.000 And if you take it out, he dies.
00:03:33.000 I believe women have that. 1.00
00:03:35.000 It's called being able to give birth.
00:03:38.000 So women are gifted with an incredible trait, this ability to make life. 1.00
00:03:44.000 And we've trivialized that and basically to a wart. 0.98
00:03:50.000 In fact, I would argue we've taken out the blue and we've replaced it with a piece of poo. 1.00
00:03:58.000 A piece of shit. 1.00
00:03:59.000 Which is why I call them shit chests. 1.00
00:04:01.000 So when I sound sexist, I'm not actually talking about functioning women who marry young and have a bunch of kids. 0.98
00:04:10.000 I'm talking about the ones that we convinced that being in the workforce is better and you can have it all and you can start a career when you're 45 and then meet a man at 50 and then have 10 kids.
00:04:22.000 I'm talking about that lie. 0.51
00:04:24.000 And the women under that lie are deranged. 1.00
00:04:28.000 They're insane. 0.99
00:04:29.000 They write articles about Jordan Peterson and they say he's a racist. 1.00
00:04:35.000 They're sort of like orcs.
00:04:37.000 You know?
00:04:38.000 In what movie is that?
00:04:39.000 Is that Lord of the Rings? 0.99
00:04:41.000 They're like these deranged, malignant, deformed monsters who just want to wreck society. 0.98
00:04:49.000 And I feel bad for them. 1.00
00:04:50.000 And it's ironic that they hate me and call me a Nazi all the time because
00:04:55.000 I'm trying to get them married up. 0.58
00:04:57.000 I want to get a ring on it. 0.99
00:04:59.000 Like, one thing I always say to Proud Boys is, fucking put a ring on it, dude. 1.00
00:05:02.000 Stop dating her. 1.00
00:05:03.000 Marry her. 0.67
00:05:05.000 So I want to help these women, but they think, I don't know, that I'm out to get them because I trivialize their lifestyle, which I do. 1.00
00:05:13.000 Media Matters just had a big thing where they said, Gavin McInnes says that these older sort of blogger chicks who work at HuffPo are colostomy bags for strangers come. 1.00
00:05:26.000 And that's a very harsh way to put it.
00:05:29.000 But I did say that and it is true. 0.95
00:05:32.000 So anyway, this chick suggests at lunch today, and you may have noticed I'm drunk by the way, but I think I'm still making very articulate points.
00:05:41.000 This chick today, she says, yeah, get someone to buy you clothes. 1.00
00:05:45.000 And she clearly was saying, someone buys me clothes that I pose in and send to them, which is prostitution. 1.00
00:05:52.000 And it was clearly a cry for help.
00:05:55.000 Um, and I think a lot of these women who have embraced feminism and embraced the myth of you can have it all, they clearly don't like the mess they've made for themselves. 1.00
00:06:07.000 They don't like the tangled web they've woven for themselves.
00:06:13.000 And they're actually secretly saying, can you help me please? 0.99
00:06:17.000 Can you get me fucking married? 0.98
00:06:21.000 It's weird when they're like 45 and they go, can you help me find a guy? 1.00
00:06:25.000 I want to have kids.
00:06:26.000 And I go, uh, the elephant in the room here is that the ship has sailed, I'm afraid.
00:06:36.000 But yeah, I'm happy to try to find you some guy. 1.00
00:06:39.000 Meanwhile, all the guys I know would just fucking bang them and throw them in the garbage. 1.00
00:06:43.000 So I'm like, it would actually be bad for me to recommend someone for you because they're not going to treat you well. 0.99
00:06:51.000 I know a lot of bad men.
00:06:52.000 I'm a bad guy.
00:06:57.000 Anyway, it reminds me of a story that I wanted to make this central focus of this podcast.
00:07:03.000 It's not so much about what we're talking about.
00:07:06.000 But sometimes I've started taking notes on my phone and I'm like, this would be a good story for the podcast.
00:07:12.000 And this is something I have at the top of the list.
00:07:15.000 And it was an Asian lady. 1.00
00:07:18.000 That I discovered back when I worked at Vice and she was sending me her zine.
00:07:23.000 Now a zine is an 8.5 by 11 piece of paper that's been folded many times and it becomes a little tiny magazine.
00:07:32.000 I used to do them with, they were called mini comics back in the day and before the internet, back when we would trade tapes and trade VHS tapes, a zine
00:07:42.000 It was a fun way to make a mini-magazine.
00:07:45.000 A mini-book.
00:07:48.000 And you'd send it to people and you'd trade it and go back and forth.
00:07:52.000 Anyway, this woman, who was Asian, from L.A. 1.00
00:07:56.000 I believe, she started sending them to me, to Vice, and she was my cup of tea.
00:08:03.000 I like a severe Asian face. 0.89
00:08:07.000 I don't like this sort of plate face where it's, uh, I'm a pretty lady and it's sort of like Nicole Kidman where it's just a blank slate and you could paint whatever you want on it.
00:08:18.000 I like a bit of character.
00:08:20.000 I think it was Oscar Wilde who said, pretty is pretty but only ugly can be beautiful.
00:08:25.000 And I like, you know, like a Japanese painting with big nostrils and full lips and crazy, you know, almost down syndrome eyes. 0.87
00:08:33.000 I like freaks. 0.99
00:08:35.000 So this woman had a very severe Asian face and I don't really care about tits and anything else. 1.00
00:08:42.000 She was normal outside of that. 0.92
00:08:45.000 So she started sending me her zine, and I was reading it.
00:08:49.000 It was boring, but I was attracted to her, so I started corresponding with her.
00:08:53.000 We went back and forth, and then she said, I'm going to be in New York in January, and I'd love to meet you.
00:09:01.000 I'm like, well, someone's getting laid.
00:09:04.000 The answer is yes.
00:09:06.000 I was single at the time.
00:09:08.000 So she comes to New York and there was a venue called Webster Hall.
00:09:14.000 It's giant.
00:09:16.000 It's on 10th Avenue.
00:09:17.000 I'm not sure if it's still around.
00:09:19.000 I haven't lived in New York in two years.
00:09:21.000 But it's two floors.
00:09:23.000 Someone like Motorhead would play there.
00:09:25.000 Like a big band that's not at their peak anymore.
00:09:28.000 Kind of like Irving Plaza.
00:09:32.000 She goes, let's meet at Webster Hall.
00:09:34.000 I can't remember what the show was.
00:09:37.000 Maybe, not They Might Be Giants, but a band like that.
00:09:44.000 What's that band?
00:09:44.000 Oh, They Promise Us Jetpacks.
00:09:46.000 I think it was that show.
00:09:48.000 That's a cool name for a band.
00:09:51.000 So she says, I'm on the second floor.
00:09:53.000 Let's meet at 10 p.m., whatever.
00:09:55.000 So I go on the first floor.
00:09:58.000 I don't see her.
00:09:59.000 Second floor.
00:09:59.000 I don't see her.
00:10:00.000 Third floor.
00:10:00.000 I can't find her anywhere.
00:10:03.000 I'm going up and down the stairs wondering where my blind date is.
00:10:07.000 Where's the love of my life?
00:10:09.000 Where's this severe Asian? 1.00
00:10:13.000 I think I'm really, I'm a brunette guy.
00:10:15.000 I've always preferred Veronica to Betty.
00:10:17.000 So after brunette, I'm pretty open. 0.99
00:10:20.000 You can be black, you can be Asian, you can be retarded. 1.00
00:10:23.000 Oh, and this is relevant to the story. 0.96
00:10:26.000 So I'm finally going like on my third pass, and I end up on the second floor of Webster Hall.
00:10:33.000 And I see an Asian woman in a wheelchair.
00:10:38.000 And she has a totally awesome wheelchair. 0.98
00:10:40.000 One of the top wheelchairs in the wheelchair.
00:10:42.000 Business.
00:10:44.000 And I go, I look at her severe face, which is super hot to me, and I go, hey, let's say her name was Jennifer. 0.86
00:10:52.000 I don't remember her name.
00:10:53.000 Jen, Jen, Jen, is that you?
00:10:55.000 And she goes, yeah, what's going on?
00:10:59.000 And the second floor of Webster Hall has high tables and high chairs, like benches.
00:11:04.000 So everyone is like six feet off the ground.
00:11:06.000 Someone in a wheelchair is obviously not going to be seen.
00:11:10.000 So that's why I passed her several times.
00:11:12.000 So I go to her, uh, I did not know you're in a wheelchair.
00:11:19.000 Now obviously she was duplicitous. 1.00
00:11:22.000 Because if you're in a wheelchair, you may want to just throw that out. 1.00
00:11:25.000 We've been corresponding.
00:11:27.000 I think this is, this is probably like 2002.
00:11:29.000 No, no.
00:11:32.000 Yeah, 2002.
00:11:33.000 So there was email.
00:11:35.000 So if you're courting a man, a man is courting you, you may want to mention that you have no legs.
00:11:40.000 You may want to throw that in the mix. 1.00
00:11:41.000 You may want to just toss it out there that you have fucking Grover legs. 1.00
00:11:47.000 Her legs were just sticks. 1.00
00:11:51.000 She was so paralyzed that her lower body had atrophied and her legs were just tubes.
00:12:01.000 They looked like my five-year-old son's arms.
00:12:04.000 They were just clown balloons.
00:12:06.000 They were just like 0.58
00:12:09.000 Just a tube with a shoe.
00:12:11.000 And by the way, ladies, if you are in a wheelchair, I think you should wear stilettos. 1.00
00:12:18.000 Because you're clearly not going to hurt your feet walking.
00:12:21.000 So if you're presenting your legs, and obviously you have to overcome the fact that you're paralyzed, so you want to meet men, I think you should present your legs and feet in the best possible way, and that involves stilettos. 0.53
00:12:35.000 So the fact that paralyzed women will have sketchers on is just ridiculous. 0.98
00:12:39.000 You don't, it's like women at the airport. 1.00
00:12:41.000 You ever notice women at the airport, they have stilettos on? 1.00
00:12:43.000 That's because they're just gonna walk for a little bit, right?
00:12:46.000 Go through security and then be sitting in the chair for six hours.
00:12:50.000 So, and then meet like the guy who paid for that flight.
00:12:53.000 So, women on planes tend to be dressed very well. 1.00
00:12:58.000 Of course, the converse is true where they have fucking sweatpants on and they're sleeping. 0.99
00:13:03.000 That's usually millennials. 0.99
00:13:04.000 But women over 32, they tend to have stilettos at the airport and so they should. 1.00
00:13:10.000 And ladies, if you're at home today and you're listening to this and you're paralyzed from the waist down, put on some fucking high heel shoes, please. 1.00
00:13:20.000 Your feet are just sitting there. 0.99
00:13:21.000 They're just like dead fish.
00:13:23.000 Put your dead fish in a stiletto.
00:13:26.000 Anyway,
00:13:28.000 So this woman is wearing... I can't remember what her shoes were. 1.00
00:13:30.000 They're probably pretty normal.
00:13:32.000 But she does have baby arms for legs. 1.00
00:13:36.000 Just clown tubes.
00:13:39.000 Clown balloons.
00:13:40.000 Tube legs. 0.99
00:13:42.000 And I'm throwing off because she didn't fucking mention that. 0.99
00:13:48.000 Pretty huge detail, lady. 0.99
00:13:50.000 Pretty huge.
00:13:52.000 I don't want to make love to you.
00:13:53.000 No offense.
00:13:55.000 And I'm sorry if this sounds, I don't know, ableist, but people don't want to make love to handicapped people.
00:14:02.000 It's genetic. 0.51
00:14:05.000 I saw a video, I had it on my show on Get Off My Lawn recently, there was a Jewish guy who has cerebral palsy and he's gay, and he goes, I'm hornier than you. 1.00
00:14:13.000 Which, by the way, is kind of an audacious thing to claim. 0.94
00:14:16.000 You don't know how horny I am. 0.91
00:14:18.000 But his thing was, I'm not accepted in the gay community because I'm paralyzed. 0.89
00:14:24.000 And I'm watching it going, well, uh, you're not accepted in the world community because people have evolved to not be attracted to severely handicapped people because you can't breed. 0.99
00:14:36.000 Well, gays don't breed. 0.94
00:14:37.000 Yeah, I know. 0.99
00:14:38.000 I know.
00:14:38.000 But it's still, it's still in our DNA.
00:14:42.000 It's like, I can't make a baby with this guy.
00:14:45.000 So he has his feet in those little plastic socks that are just the heel that he has to Velcro in. 1.00
00:14:52.000 And he's like, why don't gays want to fuck me? 1.00
00:14:55.000 I don't know, because you're very unusual. 1.00
00:14:59.000 Similarly, with my date, this woman, who was very attractive from the chest up, didn't have normal legs. 1.00
00:15:07.000 And I did not want to fuck that. 1.00
00:15:10.000 So, I saw her and I went, hey, whoa, what's happening with the chair? 0.99
00:15:18.000 And she goes, I told you that. 0.98
00:15:20.000 Now I have a shitty brain, so often these people are right when they say I told you that. 0.98
00:15:25.000 Like my friend Craig, who ran an anti-immigration site for many years. 0.99
00:15:32.000 I had no idea he was gay for like 10 years.
00:15:37.000 And he actually had AIDS. 1.00
00:15:39.000 I think I've mentioned this on another podcast, but he got AIDS at a circuit party and the only way I found out was 10 years into our friendship, I said, nice socks, faggot. 1.00
00:15:52.000 And he goes, I actually am gay. 0.99
00:15:54.000 And then I said, I didn't know that. 0.99
00:15:56.000 And he goes, you never fucking listen to me. 0.98
00:16:00.000 That's real men. 0.95
00:16:01.000 Real men, like Ron Swanson had his best friend, he didn't know his name.
00:16:07.000 So my wife will say, like, that guy you hang out with, that cop, does he have kids?
00:16:11.000 And I go, I don't know. 1.00
00:16:12.000 What am I, a fag? 0.99
00:16:13.000 I'm not going to ask him if he has kids. 1.00
00:16:16.000 I don't even know his last name.
00:16:19.000 Anyway, so it's normal for us in the straight community to not know that a woman is paralyzed and it's normal for us for her to tell us and for us to not notice or not even pay attention when she said that.
00:16:31.000 But she had Grover arms for legs. 0.95
00:16:34.000 Just tubes.
00:16:37.000 She'd obviously been through this before.
00:16:39.000 I think she was duplicitous.
00:16:41.000 I think she knew that she lied to me because how did she have a backup plan the second I pointed it out?
00:16:49.000 And her backup plan is jump in it! 1.00
00:16:51.000 Jump in!
00:16:53.000 And so she pulls herself up by her arms and she drags her spaghetti legs onto a stool at Webster Hall and she's got her little long skinny legs just like hanging there with her shoes like looking like they just got dumped. 1.00
00:17:08.000 Her shoes were verklempt.
00:17:11.000 Her shoes were forgotten.
00:17:13.000 And they were just like, like you could just stab her shoes.
00:17:16.000 She wouldn't feel it. 0.97
00:17:17.000 You could poke them with a pin.
00:17:20.000 So she says, you get in it.
00:17:21.000 So I get in her, I'm going to guess like $3,000 wheelchair. 1.00
00:17:25.000 And it felt great.
00:17:27.000 I'm not going to lie.
00:17:28.000 It was unbelievable.
00:17:31.000 And by the way, this is what I want to promote in society.
00:17:35.000 The things men build, like an aircraft carrier, or the things that build a ship.
00:17:42.000 Like when you sit in a middle-class gimp's wheelchair, 1.00
00:17:47.000 You're amazed at the fucking lack of friction. 0.99
00:17:51.000 I mean, this thing was basically anti-gravitational. 0.98
00:17:55.000 And so I rolled forward with just the slightest push, and I was 40 feet ahead, and I did the thing where you sort of rotate, you know, in concentric circles, counterintuitive circles, whatever you want to call it.
00:18:08.000 Inversely proportional circles.
00:18:10.000 I pull one leg back, one leg forward, and I was leaning back, and I was just like, this thing is unbelievable.
00:18:17.000 What a great wheelchair you have, Handicapped Date!
00:18:36.000 And, uh, she was with a dude, a handler, who was like her best friend's, uh, husband.
00:18:43.000 Or boyfriend, or maybe it was like a weird male friend?
00:18:45.000 Actually, no. 1.00
00:18:46.000 I think it was a weird male friend who wanted to fuck her. 1.00
00:18:50.000 I mean, you talk about being a cuck and being in the friend zone. 1.00
00:18:53.000 How about being a handicapped Asian chick's side piece who never gets any action? 1.00
00:19:00.000 Although maybe he did.
00:19:01.000 We don't know.
00:19:04.000 So I've got a pretty good buzz going at this point.
00:19:08.000 And I think I don't want to end this.
00:19:11.000 And maybe there was some political correctness in there where I went, I don't want to end this date because that's like ableist.
00:19:19.000 So I'll still hang out with her.
00:19:20.000 I had nothing else going on that night.
00:19:22.000 All right, let's hang out, Gimp. 1.00
00:19:24.000 And so I think we saw the band for a little bit and then we said, all right, let's get out of here.
00:19:29.000 Now, I'm a big dive bar guy.
00:19:31.000 I love dive bars.
00:19:33.000 And there's a dive bar on 14th and C. I forget what it's called now.
00:19:41.000 But in New York City, there's the East Village, there's the West Village, there's these bar dense areas where rich kids go and a lot of like Jersey Shore people come down and we call them the bridge and tunnel crowd because they take a bridge and a tunnel to get to New York.
00:20:00.000 And a lot of these bars are fancy.
00:20:03.000 I know these guys that own these bars. 0.99
00:20:04.000 Sometimes their rent is $37,000 a fucking month. 0.99
00:20:10.000 Can you believe that? 0.98
00:20:11.000 But there are also bars where the rent is $3,000 a month and they've been grandfathered in and it takes a little while of living in New York to find these places.
00:20:23.000 And I love them. 0.96
00:20:24.000 I love shitty bars. 0.94
00:20:25.000 I like homeless people in there. 1.00
00:20:29.000 The bartender in this particular bar, you probably know it if you know New York and you know what I'm talking about, 14th and C. She would like paint shit on her face, like leaves and stuff. 1.00
00:20:39.000 She didn't have facial tattoos. 0.99
00:20:40.000 She had hand-drawn facial tattoos. 0.99
00:20:43.000 She was a mental case. 0.57
00:20:45.000 And I loved it there.
00:20:46.000 And the beers are like three bucks.
00:20:48.000 So I go, let's go to this bar.
00:20:50.000 And the great thing about someone who has spaghetti legs is you don't have to impress them.
00:20:56.000 So I can go to a bar I want to go to.
00:20:59.000 So I say to her and her handler, I would like to go to this bar.
00:21:03.000 And they say, fine.
00:21:05.000 So we end up at this bar.
00:21:07.000 And there's homeless people there.
00:21:08.000 And the woman has her leaves and her flowers drawn on her face. 0.88
00:21:12.000 And we get our pitcher for $8 or whatever it is.
00:21:15.000 And we go to the back of the bar.
00:21:17.000 It's a very tiny bar.
00:21:18.000 It's like a skinny, it's probably like 5 feet by 30 feet.
00:21:24.000 It's a long, skinny bar.
00:21:27.000 And we get our pictures.
00:21:29.000 And then this is an interesting concept, by the way.
00:21:33.000 People of the same height tend to congregate.
00:21:40.000 And there was a trend in New York in around 2006, 2007, where they were making these styrofoam shoes where you would strap them to your shoes and everyone was six feet tall.
00:21:58.000 So tall people would wear no shoes, but 5 foot people would have a styrofoam foot.
00:22:03.000 Below their foot.
00:22:05.000 And I think it's interesting that that concept even came up.
00:22:10.000 Clearly, it's a reaction to the fact that tall people talk to each other.
00:22:14.000 And in New York City, there's a weird thing where tall people congregate in New York City.
00:22:19.000 So if you're tall in Knoxville, Tennessee, right, like say you're 6'2", not only do you think that you're taller than other people, you start to think you're better than other people.
00:22:29.000 I'm not saying that's good or bad, by the way.
00:22:30.000 And so you move to New York City, and the next thing you know, I'm 5'11".
00:22:35.000 I'm a dwarf at parties. 0.99
00:22:37.000 I'm just, like, surrounded by these fucking 6'2 giants. 0.99
00:22:41.000 I'm a hobbit in New York City. 1.00
00:22:44.000 In D.C., I'm a giant.
00:22:45.000 In D.C., I'm LeBron James.
00:22:48.000 Same with L.A. 1.00
00:22:49.000 In L.A., I'm a fucking... In L.A., I pick people up and carry them to the bar, because it takes too long to wait for their little legs to make it to the bar. 0.99
00:22:57.000 Their little fucking midget legs. 1.00
00:22:59.000 But in New York, I'm a dwarf. 1.00
00:23:04.000 But there's some truth to this concept of being more accustomed to people your own height, because you don't have to lean down.
00:23:11.000 And bars are loud, parties are loud.
00:23:13.000 You tend to...
00:23:15.000 To not want to yell.
00:23:17.000 I remember this living in Quebec for 10 years.
00:23:20.000 No matter what the party was, inevitably, at the end of the day, it would become English people on one side of the room and French people on the other side of the room.
00:23:29.000 No matter how bilingual we all were, it inevitably always came down to that.
00:23:36.000 And I've noticed this as an adult at parties, it's women and men.
00:23:40.000 The women tend to congregate in the kitchen and the men tend to congregate in the living room or near a balcony so they can smoke cigars. 1.00
00:23:48.000 By the way, fun joke, when that happens, is you go into the ladies area, it's usually the kitchen, and you say, hey guys, isn't it funny that at every party we all tend to separate based on, and they're waiting for gender, and you go based on IQ, 0.75
00:24:09.000 It's a very rude thing to say that I find does well.
00:24:12.000 Actually, it doesn't do well.
00:24:14.000 It makes them mad, but it's funny, so it does well with me.
00:24:17.000 Anyway, so we go to this dive bar, and we order a pitcher, and we go to the back, and she's in a chair, right?
00:24:24.000 So she's like, I don't know, two feet, three feet off the ground? 0.87
00:24:29.000 She's low down, and I'm stuck with her handler.
00:24:33.000 And so I end up getting along with him because he's 5'11".
00:24:36.000 So we're both discussing things at our equal height.
00:24:41.000 And she's down there.
00:24:42.000 Now, it's a loud bar.
00:24:44.000 It's a dive bar.
00:24:45.000 So to go down and hear her, you have to sort of go down and go, Yeah, I'm sorry.
00:24:50.000 I missed that.
00:24:50.000 You were talking about cell phones?
00:24:53.000 I can't hear her.
00:24:55.000 So we end up kind of ignoring her.
00:24:57.000 Plus we're drunk too and we're not very cordial.
00:25:02.000 And, uh, I start getting hornier, actually, as I start drinking more.
00:25:05.000 And I'm thinking, maybe we can work out something.
00:25:09.000 Maybe I can have her with her spindly legs in my bedroom. 1.00
00:25:13.000 It'll be like a jellyfish. 0.92
00:25:15.000 She'll have, like, the main stuff up top, and then the legs will just be like tentacles, just like garbage. 1.00
00:25:23.000 Is this as funny as I think it is?
00:25:25.000 Just like extension cords hanging down.
00:25:28.000 Leg shmegs.
00:25:29.000 Who needs legs? 1.00
00:25:32.000 Um, so I start getting more attracted to her.
00:25:35.000 And I think her handler senses that. 0.99
00:25:37.000 And I don't know if he was fucking her, but I think he starts getting more defensive. 0.98
00:25:42.000 And then I start sort of thinking, I want to take her home. 0.99
00:25:46.000 I've changed my mind. 1.00
00:25:47.000 And then he starts thinking, fuck you. 1.00
00:25:49.000 Now his fuck you could have been, I'm actually having an affair with her, um, despite the fact that I'm married to her best friend. 1.00
00:25:57.000 Or it could have been I don't trust you, which by the way would have been a valid instinct to have because I was not trustworthy at the time. 1.00
00:26:05.000 But it was a fascinating dynamic.
00:26:07.000 And then things got weirder.
00:26:09.000 She's Asian, right? 0.87
00:26:10.000 And we know Asians have trouble with alcohol.
00:26:13.000 You know, you've heard of the red-cheeked Asian. 0.98
00:26:15.000 Look it up on Wikipedia.
00:26:16.000 They seem to lack the enzymes to break down alcohol, which I find confusing.
00:26:20.000 Because didn't you guys have rice wine for 900 years before anyone even thought of America?
00:26:27.000 Or Europe, for that matter.
00:26:29.000 Isn't China 40,000 years old?
00:26:32.000 How do you guys not have an immunity to booze?
00:26:36.000 I'm saying this, by the way, while I slur.
00:26:42.000 I'm saying this without an immunity to booze.
00:26:44.000 Complaining about people who can't hold their liquor.
00:26:48.000 What's your problem?
00:26:50.000 You've been around for 40,000 years and you can't hold your liquor?
00:26:56.000 I'm embarrassed of you. 1.00
00:26:58.000 You're a fucking disgrace. 1.00
00:27:00.000 You're a disgrace. 1.00
00:27:01.000 You're a disgrace. 1.00
00:27:04.000 Anyway, um, so she starts getting weird. 1.00
00:27:08.000 Because she's drunk.
00:27:09.000 And she takes her shirt off.
00:27:12.000 Okay.
00:27:13.000 So she has her bra, just her bra and her body, and her upper body is very nice.
00:27:17.000 Her legs are spaghetti.
00:27:20.000 And she needs to keep her cell phone.
00:27:23.000 Now this is like 2002, 2003.
00:27:28.000 So we didn't have iPhones at the time.
00:27:30.000 So she just has her flip phone.
00:27:31.000 She stuffs it in her bra next to her tit. 0.97
00:27:34.000 And okay, that's fine. 0.91
00:27:37.000 And she starts saying things super loud, which makes sense because you're way down there.
00:27:43.000 So we're up, me and her handler are up at a normal 5'11 height discussing life, and she has to convey things.
00:27:51.000 And, you know, we bend over a few times, but it starts getting boring. 0.98
00:27:55.000 And then she starts yelling, she starts going, what's the big deal, blowjobs anyway? 1.00
00:28:01.000 I mean, it's so easy! 0.99
00:28:05.000 And so we sort of let that go, okay, that's someone yelling about fellatio.
00:28:13.000 Because everyone makes a big deal about it! 0.75
00:28:18.000 It's so easy! 1.00
00:28:20.000 You just do it, you fucking sucker! 1.00
00:28:26.000 So, it's very offensive content that she's saying, and this podcast obviously is getting very R-rated, but... 1.00
00:28:35.000 We managed to ignore it as she keeps screaming and screaming about fellatio and how easy it is and how over it is. 0.99
00:28:43.000 Obviously, the subtext is, Gavin, I know we're on a date, and I know this has gone awry, and I know you're talking to my handler, and I know I don't have a vagina that works. 0.99
00:28:52.000 It probably has no nerve endings in it that work, but I will blow you. 0.99
00:28:57.000 Do you want to try that? 0.98
00:28:59.000 So that was sort of, I'm guessing, the sort of impetus of the blurting out the garbage about blowjobs, but that was going on in the scene, and I'm so drunk I'm starting to think, yeah, let's do it. 0.97
00:29:13.000 Let's set it up. 0.97
00:29:14.000 Let's get the wheelchair up my four-floor walk-up. 0.97
00:29:18.000 Let's get rid of your handler here.
00:29:22.000 And he also at the same time is sensing that this is going on and he doesn't want to get rid of himself.
00:29:28.000 And I think he was right. 0.99
00:29:29.000 I could have been a rapist. 0.99
00:29:30.000 I could have been a horrible person. 1.00
00:29:31.000 I could have been a murderer.
00:29:33.000 So we have a funny dynamic now.
00:29:36.000 Now the dynamic is...
00:29:39.000 I want your handicapped friend, and his dynamic was, I don't want you to have my handicapped friend. 1.00
00:29:47.000 And we both recognize that, but we're continuing with our discussion about, I don't know, punk music or something totally unrelated, but there's this subtext.
00:29:53.000 Because men and humans have this sort of, you know, pheromones.
00:29:57.000 They have this chemical that's going through the air, and there's always a kind of unrecognized thing.
00:30:02.000 Like when two guys are hitting on a girl, I describe it as two speedboats.
00:30:08.000 And it's perfectly normal for two speedboats to hit on a girl. 0.80
00:30:14.000 But when?
00:30:15.000 And it could be your buddy.
00:30:16.000 It could be your best friend.
00:30:17.000 That's fine.
00:30:18.000 There's nothing wrong with two guys hitting on a girl.
00:30:20.000 Even if it's your best friend.
00:30:21.000 Even if it's your brother.
00:30:24.000 But there's a moment where she shows an inclination to one of the speedboats over the other.
00:30:30.000 And at that exact moment, you, if you're the unwanted one, has to go
00:30:37.000 And veer off to the right.
00:30:39.000 Crank the steering wheel to the right and be like, alright, this ain't working.
00:30:44.000 I'm not invited.
00:30:44.000 They have something going on.
00:30:47.000 That's fine.
00:30:47.000 It's like the free market, right?
00:30:50.000 You want to get the customer.
00:30:51.000 If the customer prefers, you know, gelato, then you let them eat gelato and your ice cream and you go the other way.
00:30:59.000 And this is what was happening that night. 0.98
00:31:00.000 And then, because I'm fucking Scottish, I started to get kind of aggro. 0.99
00:31:05.000 And I was like, do you want to fucking fight for this? 0.98
00:31:07.000 Now, I didn't say that, but we started getting weird with like chest puffing. 1.00
00:31:12.000 And it started to get kind of tense and then everything we talked about had a double entendre about like, well, that would be a shame if that person did that and then got the fucking shit beat out of him. 0.99
00:31:21.000 You know what I mean? 0.99
00:31:25.000 So now we're getting all tough as we have normal conversations about the IRS and auditing.
00:31:32.000 So the way it ended was, um,
00:31:36.000 He took her home.
00:31:37.000 He wheeled her back to the hotel.
00:31:40.000 She must have come.
00:31:42.000 The band we were seeing at Webster Hall was totally irrelevant.
00:31:44.000 It was not the Rolling Stones.
00:31:45.000 It wasn't like some amazing comeback.
00:31:48.000 So she must have calmed down for the sole purpose of solidifying this deal.
00:31:54.000 And she must have purposely obfuscated her handicap in a way to get a guy who was, I'm sorry, but out of her league. 0.98
00:32:06.000 Uh, and it didn't work, and this poor bastard, this cuck, had to wheel her back home because the guy she was lying to was not into the lie. 0.99
00:32:17.000 How fucked up is that situation? 1.00
00:32:21.000 What a bizarre date. 0.99
00:32:24.000 Well, the only consolation with this story is that I've told this story 1,000 times.
00:32:31.000 I remember being at Terry Richardson's studio and I would do the visual of her leaving her wheelchair and going onto a stool and I would make my legs jelly as I did it, obviously.
00:32:43.000 And I have brought tears to both Terry Richardson's eyes and Seth Goldfarb, his manager.
00:32:50.000 I've made them both cry their eyes out as I maneuver myself from a chair to a higher stool, telling this story.
00:33:00.000 And the moral of all of this is say yes to everything.
00:33:06.000 Like Pee Wee Herman, Paul Rubens, one day he just said, you know what, I'm saying yes to everything.
00:33:11.000 And some rednecks said, we want to have you over for dinner. 1.00
00:33:14.000 So they invited him over dinner.
00:33:15.000 He said, yes, I'll be there.
00:33:17.000 I'll be there in Georgia, whatever.
00:33:18.000 I'll be there.
00:33:20.000 And they had already eaten dinner when he got there.
00:33:22.000 So he just ate dinner alone at a giant dining table with all these rednecks staring at him. 1.00
00:33:27.000 And he's like,
00:33:29.000 Like eating chicken or whatever.
00:33:31.000 And the Patriarch looks at him and he looks up, Paul Rubens looks up, and the Patriarch says, My God, it's like we're sitting here with Marilyn Monroe.
00:33:43.000 Now, Paul Reubens has that story forever.
00:33:47.000 That's his baby now, forever.
00:33:48.000 I'll always have spaghetti legs in my head forever. 1.00
00:33:52.000 And I've said to my wife many times, and I'll stand strong like Braveheart with a Scottish flag, if Oprah wanted to fuck me, I would fuck her. 1.00
00:34:02.000 Because this obviously would not be romantic. 1.00
00:34:04.000 We're not going to go to fucking Bahamas on a getaway. 0.97
00:34:07.000 It won't be like that Woody Harrelson movie where the guy 0.99
00:34:10.000 Was it Robert Redford paid a million dollars to be with his wife?
00:34:13.000 The chick from Friends?
00:34:15.000 Courtney Cox?
00:34:16.000 It's obviously not going to be that. 1.00
00:34:18.000 But if Oprah wanted to bone me, I would definitely have sex with her. 1.00
00:34:23.000 I don't care what my wife says. 1.00
00:34:24.000 I don't care if it ruins my marriage.
00:34:26.000 Because the story would be so hilarious.
00:34:30.000 And I think that's our job, especially as artists or people in media or people who aren't, you know, accountants or plumbers.
00:34:36.000 And I'm not disparaging accountants or plumbers.
00:34:38.000 We all have different roles in society and all are equally viable.
00:34:41.000 They're all crucial to each other.
00:34:42.000 And this is something we're getting away from in modern society.
00:34:48.000 What was it called?
00:34:49.000 Fast Company had an article about a successful business and they said every business needs a hipster, a hacker, and a hustler.
00:34:55.000 That's how you make a good business. 0.99
00:34:56.000 But I think every society needs like nerds, people with their nose to the grindstone, tough guys, brawlers, weirdos who will fuck Oprah. 0.99
00:35:06.000 Like we all need this crazy pizza pie of different personalities because we all help each other. 0.99
00:35:14.000 You know, in the movie Avatar, you have the nerds and the military guys. 0.98
00:35:19.000 Actually, fuck Avatar, that's a great example of this symbiosis that we all need in society. 0.99
00:35:25.000 The military has nerds and alpha males. 1.00
00:35:28.000 And the nerds build the technology, they build the rockets, they build the computers, and then the alpha males go and shoot them face to face with ISIS. 0.67
00:35:37.000 Nerds need alphas, alphas need nerds. 1.00
00:35:39.000 We're all together on this.
00:35:42.000 So I feel if you get offered a crazy opportunity, like for example, what if some groupie chick was like, oh my god, I love you so much. 1.00
00:35:51.000 Please, please just grab my pussy. 1.00
00:35:53.000 Grab her pussy. 1.00
00:35:55.000 It's not cheating on your wife. 1.00
00:35:56.000 Don't make love to her.
00:35:57.000 Don't make out with her.
00:35:58.000 That's infidelity.
00:35:59.000 But just a little honk.
00:36:01.000 I don't think that's infidelity.
00:36:03.000 I think that's you doing what is morally right at the time.
00:36:08.000 So if you have a crazy opportunity, like say the Queen's brother, the Queen of England's brother says, here's a whoopee cushion. 1.00
00:36:19.000 She's about to sit down, throw that under her ass when she sits down. 1.00
00:36:23.000 You are morally obligated to put a whoopee cushion underneath the Queen's ass. 1.00
00:36:28.000 And if she laughs or doesn't laugh is totally irrelevant. 0.99
00:36:32.000 You need to convey that story to your fellow man because mankind is based on storytelling.
00:36:40.000 I've said this a million times and it's very esoteric so people don't really get it but monkeys, bears, they can't tell stories to each other.
00:36:48.000 Humans can tell stories and that's a magical gift from God because it's I can impart an experience to you and you weren't even there.
00:36:59.000 Like you guys who listen to this podcast today have gone on a date with spaghetti legs.
00:37:05.000 That's a gift! 0.99
00:37:07.000 You know that she had her cell phone in her bra and was yelling at the top of her lungs about blowjobs. 1.00
00:37:15.000 You don't have to have experienced that. 0.98
00:37:17.000 You just lived it.
00:37:20.000 And you're welcome for that.
00:37:21.000 Maybe that's why I chose storyteller as a vocation.
00:37:25.000 Because...
00:37:26.000 I love this thing about humans, that we have this weird trait where we can impart experience to each other.
00:37:33.000 I want you to have that experience. 0.98
00:37:36.000 And if I ever fuck Oprah, I'll want you to have that experience too. 1.00
00:37:42.000 We're out of time. 0.98
00:37:42.000 I think we've got a sponsor starting next episode, so get ready for me to talk about guns and holsters on Monday. 0.98
00:37:49.000 But tonight we have CRTV Tonight with Gavin McInnes.
00:37:53.000 Awesome show.
00:37:55.000 Jesse Lee Peterson.
00:37:56.000 Dude.
00:37:57.000 What a fascinating human being.
00:37:59.000 The thing I love about Jesse is he says things you never thought of before.
00:38:03.000 And on the right, there's a lot of pundits who are derivative.
00:38:06.000 I won't name names, but they tend to be women. 1.00
00:38:09.000 And they just sort of say, we got to get America back and the first amendment and the second amendment and America's were built on blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
00:38:17.000 They just, it's, they never make you scratch your head. 0.98
00:38:20.000 And Jesse Lee Peterson says things that I go, holy shit, did you just say that? 0.86
00:38:26.000 Milo is similar, where at least they offer new things that you've never thought of before. 0.97
00:38:31.000 And that's what our jobs are as storytellers, to be, you know, to think outside the box, to blow someone's mind.
00:38:37.000 Often we're wrong.
00:38:39.000 You know, Roush V said, he said, if you couldn't charge a man with rape if you had invited him to your apartment, women would be a lot more careful about who they invited to their apartment.
00:38:52.000 That was immediately changed into, Roush V wants rape to be legal.
00:38:57.000 No, he was coming up with a brain puzzle. 0.77
00:38:59.000 He was titillating you.
00:39:01.000 He was stimulating you with an interesting little mind game.
00:39:06.000 And we've gotten away from that recently.
00:39:08.000 And Jesse Lee Peterson is back to that.
00:39:10.000 He... I don't want to really ruin any surprises, but Jesse Lee Peterson said to me that there was less racism during slavery.
00:39:22.000 Now, that makes your hair go white.
00:39:24.000 I understand that.
00:39:25.000 I agree with you.
00:39:26.000 But at least it's stimulating.
00:39:28.000 At least it makes you go, wait, what did you just say?
00:39:30.000 And I feel like in 2018, we should have more of that.
00:39:35.000 Anyway, we also have on CRTV tonight Cam Edwards, we have Chris Bedford from Daily Caller, we have Ash Scow on and we'll be talking about the latest news tropes and laughing at them all and playing games and looking at viral videos and talking to people in Times Square.
00:39:54.000 It's a very fun show tonight. 0.99
00:39:57.000 And then Monday we have a memorial special where I'm going to watch a bunch of soldiers surprising their kids and try not to cry like a complete bitch fag, which I am. 0.99
00:40:09.000 So stay tuned for that. 0.99