Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - Get Off My Lawn Podcast #59 | Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Friday

00:00:00.000 Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Friday.

00:00:04.000 You're singing that wrong.

00:00:05.000 How?

00:00:06.000 I made it up!

00:00:07.000 That is a little teaser for the new season of The Unbreakable, Kimmy Schmidt by Tina Fey.

00:00:15.000 That's not our new sponsor for the show.

00:00:17.000 I'm sure Tina Fey would be horrified that I even, that my name comes, that her name comes out of my mouth.

00:00:24.000 Although I did bump into her on Fire Island once.

00:00:26.000 That's a gay island here in New York. 1.00

00:00:29.000 Thank you.

00:00:48.000 Comes from a solid family background from the Midwest, wholesome Republican parents with good values who gave her a beautiful life and she had a cute childhood.

00:01:04.000 Um, that was endearing.

00:01:06.000 So her jokes are Friday, Friday, gonna get down on Friday.

00:01:11.000 Hey, you're singing that wrong.

00:01:12.000 I made it up.

00:01:12.000 How?

00:01:14.000 Do you know what I'm saying?

00:01:15.000 Like, that's a joke that only someone who comes from a cute background could have.

00:01:20.000 She's in touch with her childhood.

00:01:22.000 And I think she's, and by the way, Tina Fey's one of the greatest writers in the history of comedy, no one can deny that.

00:01:27.000 As someone who's written a few pilots for TV and failed miserably, I watch that show with my daughter sometimes, and the way the A-plot and the B-plot combine at the end, she is, she's Amadeus Mozart.

00:01:40.000 She's remarkably gifted as a writer, and same with 30 Rock and Saturday Night Live.

00:01:48.000 And her movies are good, too.

00:01:49.000 Mean Girls, I mean, it was a masterpiece.

00:01:51.000 My wife still quotes it all the time.

00:01:53.000 But here's the thing I'm coming up with.

00:01:56.000 Where does she get all that greatness from?

00:01:57.000 That wholesome humor and her incredible understanding of high school and Mean Girls and all that stuff and being an outcast and the way that the in crowd isn't all they're cracked up to be.

00:02:09.000 She got that from having a conservative upbringing.

00:02:13.000 Her parents are right wing.

00:02:15.000 Her parents hated

00:02:16.000 That she did the Sarah Palin imitation, and they told her as much.

00:02:20.000 And I kind of feel gypped.

00:02:23.000 You know what I mean?

00:02:24.000 Like, she becomes this anti-American, anti-Trump person, but she's using our background, our family values, and our stable environments, and our strong schools to crap on America. 1.00

00:02:38.000 It's like you train someone in the military and then they become a mass murderer and you go, no, no, that's not what I set you up for.

00:02:45.000 No, it's worse than that. 0.69

00:02:46.000 She's worse than a mass murderer. 1.00

00:02:48.000 Because she's saying America sucks and the whole reason she's good at her job is because of her great education and her wholesome upbringing. 0.99

00:02:56.000 It's sort of like baby boomers in general. 0.96

00:02:59.000 You know, they didn't go to PC school.

00:03:02.000 They went to good school.

00:03:04.000 Daniel Klaus talks about this with art school in the 50s and 60s.

00:03:08.000 You could go there, you would come out of art school, say you graduated from art school in 1962.

00:03:12.000 You could paint the cover of a Harlequin romance novel.

00:03:17.000 And you could do photorealism.

00:03:18.000 You don't have to do it, but at least you'd have that stable background.

00:03:22.000 Today, art school is you put a tampon in a teacup and you get an A+. 0.90

00:03:28.000 And so, they get all this awesome education, and this strong background, and then they use it to crap on us.

00:03:35.000 Like, you ever see Jack Nicholson in Five Easy Pieces?

00:03:38.000 He's this reluctant boomer who hates his rich parents and stuff, and he's also a master pianist.

00:03:44.000 And you think, how'd you get so good at pianisting?

00:03:47.000 Well, you got that way with an uptight right-wing Republican dad who made you take piano lessons, gave you a good education, taught you mathematics in school.

00:03:56.000 Now we got new math.

00:03:57.000 Isn't that... what a bunch of ingrates, huh? 0.99

00:04:02.000 They get all the good stuff and then they use it to crap on us. 0.99

00:04:05.000 And we're just sitting here saying, uh, New York public schools have fistfights every day. 0.97

00:04:11.000 I don't think the bourgeoisie has any idea.

00:04:14.000 I don't want to make this podcast political.

00:04:16.000 I want to talk about this dude, Matt, but I just had to get that off my chest.

00:04:19.000 I don't think the bourgeoisie knows how insane

00:04:24.000 East New York is, how bad the ghetto is, how bad the projects are, like you talk to a mailman who goes to deliver welfare checks at the PJs, the projects, you can't get into the lobby, you can't see it's so dense with pot smoke.

00:04:39.000 It's like there's a fire going on.

00:04:41.000 You have to crawl to get there, and then you can't drop off the welfare checks because everyone's ripped the doors off the mailboxes.

00:04:47.000 So you can't, and you're not allowed to leave, that's like leaving money somewhere, you're not allowed to leave it there.

00:04:51.000 So they can't drop off the checks.

00:04:53.000 That's just the mailman.

00:04:54.000 God knows what it's like for the cops to go there and try to administer a warrant.

00:04:59.000 Excuse me, do you know where Dan Nichols lives?

00:05:03.000 Oh, he's in 3B, officer.

00:05:04.000 Thank you!

00:05:05.000 Tuck, tuck, tuck. 0.80

00:05:06.000 Here's your warrant, buddy.

00:05:07.000 Bye!

00:05:09.000 I was talking to a prosecutor here in New York, and boy those guys are a wealth of juicy goss.

00:05:15.000 One guy showed me this legal document where these Hasidic Jews were making a motion to remove this case from the courts and settle it in whatever the Jewish version of Sharia is, like Haratz Court.

00:05:31.000 And it was being put through.

00:05:32.000 It was like, yeah, fine.

00:05:33.000 We'll take this away from the court.

00:05:35.000 The courts are crowded anyway.

00:05:36.000 You guys do it at your kangaroo court that you made up with your 10,000-year-old rules.

00:05:42.000 The Old Testament.

00:05:43.000 What should we do?

00:05:44.000 Cut our fingers off? 0.90

00:05:45.000 What's the punishment?

00:05:46.000 That's gotta be illegal.

00:05:49.000 You can't just remove a case from our judicial system and do it on your own.

00:05:54.000 That's Sharia law. 0.95

00:05:55.000 That's wrong.

00:05:56.000 That's not the deal. 0.99

00:05:58.000 And then another guy, different prosecutor, told me, he goes, every black girl's been raped. 0.88

00:06:04.000 Basically said, talk to any, because he deals with these cases all day, right? 0.97

00:06:08.000 And he said, any black girl who's 20 years old, she's been raped. 0.75

00:06:14.000 And it's so common in their community, he said, that it doesn't have the same stigma. 1.00

00:06:20.000 It's just like, oh, that sucks. 0.97

00:06:22.000 It's like you got beat up. 1.00

00:06:24.000 It's not like, oh my God, she was raped. 0.99

00:06:26.000 I mean, if some rich white girl gets raped, I mean, she takes a year off school and everyone freaks out. 1.00

00:06:31.000 Like Mattress Girl, she carries a mattress around and we all cry. 0.99

00:06:35.000 But not with black girls, not in East New York. 1.00

00:06:37.000 It's just, oh, you got raped? 1.00

00:06:38.000 That sucks. 1.00

00:06:38.000 Anyway, you wanna go get a cheeseburger? 1.00

00:06:41.000 Yeah, sure, I'm over it.

00:06:42.000 It only happened yesterday.

00:06:44.000 And then the schools, I talked about that on another episode, Hal.

00:06:47.000 It's just fist fights. 0.84

00:06:48.000 Like, first row's listening, second row's chatting,

00:06:53.000 Third row and back, they're practicing fight moves.

00:06:57.000 So the teachers have no choice but to make upgrades.

00:07:00.000 You can't administer a test!

00:07:03.000 It would be like going to a punk show and going into the mosh pit and saying, guys, I need you to fill out this form.

00:07:08.000 It's not happening.

00:07:13.000 But speaking of people, so there's two Americas in many ways, but speaking of the bourgeoisie, the middle classes, taking advantage of a right-wing stable background, I was remembering this dude, Matt, I wanted to get more into stories on this podcast and less into politics, because you got the show, Get Off My Lawn, on CRTV.com, that you can sign up for to watch, and also my hit show, CRTV Tonight, which is every second Friday, and it's a lot of fun.

00:07:40.000 It's like Red Eye, we sit around and talk.

00:07:42.000 We're good to go.

00:07:56.000 The Get Off My Lawn on CRTV should be like Tucker Carlson, and then this should be more Howard Stern. 0.99

00:08:01.000 I guess I should get some mentally retarded people to come in and say dumb things in a high-pitched voice. 1.00

00:08:08.000 But this dude Matt I was thinking about, now he comes from, just like Tina Fey, right? 0.99

00:08:12.000 He comes to New York City, he dresses like a mod.

00:08:14.000 This is years ago, right?

00:08:15.000 So we're talking early 2000s.

00:08:17.000 Dresses like a mod, cool guy, and I start noticing that he's weird.

00:08:26.000 Like, this was my first tip.

00:08:27.000 I was hanging out with David Cross a lot then, and he comes over to me and goes, Gavin, come here.

00:08:33.000 Come here, man.

00:08:34.000 What's up?

00:08:34.000 What?

00:08:35.000 And he goes, not near David.

00:08:36.000 No way.

00:08:37.000 No way.

00:08:38.000 Come here.

00:08:39.000 So I go over to the corner.

00:08:40.000 I'm already annoyed, by the way.

00:08:43.000 It's like Jerry Seinfeld says.

00:08:44.000 He goes, I don't want to see anything on your phone.

00:08:46.000 Like, if you met an alien and you have a picture on your phone, just tell me about it.

00:08:49.000 I don't want to see anything on your phone.

00:08:51.000 I don't care if you were there when Ronald Reagan was shot and you have a picture of you in the background.

00:08:55.000 I don't care.

00:08:56.000 I don't want to see your phone.

00:08:57.000 Keep your phone in your pocket, especially at a bar, and I couldn't agree more.

00:09:00.000 But, uh, so he's dragging me over to an area.

00:09:03.000 What?

00:09:04.000 What are you going to show me?

00:09:05.000 A dead baby?

00:09:06.000 And he pulls out a handkerchief and it's got a pattern on it that is kind of a teeny bit swastika-y, but not really.

00:09:14.000 And that's why he didn't want to show it near David, because David's Jewish. 1.00

00:09:17.000 What?

00:09:18.000 And it didn't, maybe if it was like a giant swastika handkerchief, I'd go, oh, that's weird.

00:09:22.000 Where'd you get that?

00:09:23.000 But a pattern that sort of resembles that.

00:09:26.000 I'm getting annoyed now just telling you the story.

00:09:29.000 But anyway.

00:09:31.000 There's so many things about this dude, and that's kind of what I liked about New York back when I was in the scene was It was the island of misfit toys.

00:09:40.000 It was an amalgam of the biggest freaks and again This is why I always forget like when I go to my kids soccer game baseball games I forget who the parents are because they all look the same and they all dress the same no offense suburban parents, but in New York City

00:09:55.000 Everyone is as different as the different members of the Sex Pistols.

00:09:59.000 So, it's very easy to tell people apart.

00:10:02.000 And Matt was one of those freakazoids, who seemed like a cool, kind of a mod dude.

00:10:08.000 I didn't know what he did for a living.

00:10:09.000 That was another thing about New York.

00:10:10.000 I had no idea where anyone made their money.

00:10:12.000 I obviously made my money with Vice, that was clear.

00:10:14.000 And I think a lot of Jewish girls had their dads pay their rent. 1.00

00:10:18.000 That was a pattern I noticed.

00:10:20.000 But besides that, I never really knew what anyone did.

00:10:23.000 Like Benjamin Cho, who's since died of a heroin overdose.

00:10:26.000 He was a designer, but I only ever saw him do one fashion season.

00:10:31.000 How did Benjamin Cho?

00:10:32.000 He DJ'd at Sway.

00:10:34.000 Or Brian DeGraw from Gang Gang Dance.

00:10:37.000 Gang Gang Dance couldn't have made any money.

00:10:39.000 Did he make his money as an artist?

00:10:40.000 I still don't know to this day. 1.00

00:10:43.000 And New York's expensive, like guys that I, Trevor Simser or Brian Duran of Leg Up Management, he's called, he calls his management company Leg Up Management because his nickname is Baby Leg because his dick is as big as a baby's leg. 1.00

00:10:57.000 What a weird nickname. 0.98

00:11:01.000 Those guys were like me, we worked 60 hour weeks.

00:11:03.000 You had to in New York.

00:11:05.000 That's just the deal.

00:11:07.000 You go to work around 11 a.m.

00:11:08.000 and you leave at 8 p.m.

00:11:09.000 That's what you do.

00:11:10.000 A short day's nine hours.

00:11:12.000 And you eat lunch at your desk.

00:11:14.000 But then these other people, they always just seem to have so much leisure time.

00:11:17.000 I guess they're trustyfians, and I think Matt was one of them. 1.00

00:11:19.000 Because he sat me down in a bar once.

00:11:21.000 This is like a handsome guy, young guy.

00:11:24.000 Imagine him in a suit, a mod kind of suit.

00:11:27.000 Maybe even a parka.

00:11:29.000 Side part, sort of sandy blonde hair.

00:11:31.000 Mile high cheekbones. 0.99

00:11:34.000 You ever see the way British people, because they're so ugly, because I guess the Vikings took all the hot chicks? 1.00

00:11:40.000 Yeah, that's why Scandinavians are so hot, right? 1.00

00:11:42.000 Because Vikings stole the hotties. 0.93

00:11:44.000 Especially Scotland. 0.99

00:11:46.000 That's why Glaswegians are so hideous. 1.00

00:11:48.000 My mom was the only hot one and she's gone. 0.95

00:11:51.000 I don't mean she's dead, I mean she left the country.

00:11:55.000 But I remember reading a review of Andrew W.K.

00:11:58.000 and it was, uh, his runway model looks, his mile-high cheekbones, and his piercing blue eyes, and you're like, what a thing to think of when you see Andrew W.K.

00:12:10.000 Mile-high cheekbones?

00:12:13.000 The guy, the party-hard guy?

00:12:14.000 That's your takeaway?

00:12:16.000 His bone structure? 0.99

00:12:18.000 Wow, you are from an ugly island. 0.94

00:12:21.000 Anyway, I'm trying to describe Matt so you can picture him better. 0.91

00:12:24.000 Cool, stylish dude.

00:12:26.000 Could be in a magazine, right?

00:12:28.000 And we're sitting talking once and he said, yeah, my dad died last year.

00:12:33.000 Maybe he's trying to justify that he doesn't have a job, so we just assume that it's inheritance, right?

00:12:37.000 And he goes, it's pretty intense to unplug your dad.

00:12:41.000 And I go, pardonne-moi?

00:12:43.000 He said, yeah.

00:12:44.000 I mean, the life support had been a year.

00:12:45.000 He was turning into a vegetable. 0.99

00:12:47.000 He had already told me before that if it gets to a certain point where he can't wipe his own ass, he wants me to unplug him. 0.99

00:12:53.000 And, you know, the nurses said, it's up to you. 0.98

00:12:57.000 We can put a do not resuscitate on the door.

00:13:00.000 And then eventually I just thought, I'm just going to do it.

00:13:03.000 And I unplugged him.

00:13:04.000 I should have- there's a lot of warning bells here, by the way.

00:13:07.000 You can't just unplug a machine.

00:13:09.000 That's from a TV show.

00:13:10.000 If it goes boop, they get a notice on their board, the nurse comes running in. 0.97

00:13:14.000 It's a big deal.

00:13:15.000 They can't afford to have people dropping dead because of an electrical connection.

00:13:19.000 But anyway, I believed him.

00:13:20.000 I was, what, 30? 0.99

00:13:22.000 And, uh, holy shit, this would have been 17 years ago. 0.99

00:13:26.000 And I believed him. 1.00

00:13:27.000 I'm like, holy fuck, Matt. 1.00

00:13:30.000 That's the most intense thing I've ever heard. 1.00

00:13:33.000 You committed patricide.

00:13:35.000 Like, what are we, in the Bible?

00:13:37.000 You murdered your father, Cain and Abel, murdering their brothers?

00:13:41.000 What is this, Moses now?

00:13:43.000 What is this, 3,000 years ago?

00:13:45.000 What'd you hit him with, a giant rock?

00:13:47.000 He's like, I had no choice, man. 1.00

00:13:49.000 Holy shit. 0.99

00:13:50.000 I'm not saying that, you know, what you did is wrong, but, whew. 1.00

00:13:55.000 Like, Doug Stanhope has sucked ever since he killed his mom. 0.96

00:13:59.000 That's gotta have some really drastic effects. 0.99

00:14:01.000 Doug Stanhope, by the way, was shitting on Tommy Robinson, saying he hopes he rocks a deal. 0.72

00:14:06.000 Tommy's a good litmus test to see who's woke and who isn't. 0.95

00:14:09.000 Doug is clearly asleep.

00:14:12.000 And I think it's because he put his mom to sleep forever.

00:14:16.000 But, um, yeah, so I couldn't get over that.

00:14:19.000 And I think I even called him Patricide Matt after that.

00:14:23.000 And then, I think my girlfriend, yeah, she's my wife now, but my girlfriend was at his house once, and he had a bunch of roommates, and she saw a letter, and she's a snoopy little bitch, and she opened it and read it, and it said, Matthew, hello, oh, we understand that you want to go to New York to find yourself, you're in some sort of strange artistic phase, 0.96

00:14:49.000 And we don't mind the money and paying the rent and supporting you while you're there, but we do miss you and we do long for you to come back home and get serious about your life, Matthew. 0.69

00:15:00.000 There comes a time in a man's life when he has to buckle down and start to pursue a career.

00:15:10.000 Your father, my father, your grandfather,

00:15:15.000 I expect more of you from a Montague.

00:15:19.000 Matthew, the nights are drawing in and winter approaches.

00:15:23.000 Is this reminiscent of your life?

00:15:26.000 Is the sun setting on your chance to further yourself and make a career as a great man?

00:15:33.000 Sincerely, your father, Arthur, M.D.

00:15:38.000 And it was on a doctor's letterhead.

00:15:42.000 Dad was alive! 1.00

00:15:43.000 The whole pull the plug thing was a fucking lie! 1.00

00:15:47.000 Isn't that weird? 1.00

00:15:49.000 I don't get liars.

00:15:52.000 It's so exhausting.

00:15:53.000 You got to remember things.

00:15:53.000 I don't even get guys who have affairs because you must have like seen in the movie Upgrade with your mistress and then you forget and you say to your wife, remember that scene in Upgrade when the guy fights the guy?

00:16:06.000 And she goes, I've never seen Upgrade.

00:16:08.000 Didn't I see it with you?

00:16:09.000 No.

00:16:09.000 Who'd you see it with?

00:16:11.000 I saw it on demand.

00:16:13.000 It's not on demand yet.

00:16:16.000 I saw the trailer.

00:16:18.000 You're talking to me about a scene in a trailer?

00:16:21.000 I... I... It was a really good trailer.

00:16:25.000 I mean, that must happen on a daily basis. 0.99

00:16:27.000 I can barely remember the truth, let alone a whole fucking life. 0.99

00:16:31.000 Anyway. 0.98

00:16:33.000 Yeah, he made himself into dead dad guy, and his doctor was paying the bills, but that's not even the crazy story about Matt.

00:16:39.000 We were, uh... I was shit-faced one night, uh, for a change, and it was that sort of weekend at Bernie's drunk where you... You're sort of, your brain is okay. 0.99

00:16:51.000 But the rest, none of the parts work. 0.99

00:16:53.000 It's sort of like that new movie, Pacific Rim, where you're in the robot and you can control it, but the robot's low on batteries.

00:17:01.000 So, like, you try to type and you go, Jesus, autocorrect is getting a hernia trying to keep up with me here.

00:17:07.000 And every time I open my mouth, I hear a person slurring.

00:17:11.000 Why is that guy slurring?

00:17:12.000 The words are fine up here.

00:17:13.000 Do you know where I could procure a sandwich? 1.00

00:17:16.000 Do you know where I could procure a fucking sandwich? 1.00

00:17:20.000 How did I forget English? 1.00

00:17:22.000 And then you're really tired, too.

00:17:24.000 It's also like you've been hit with a tranquilizer dart.

00:17:26.000 So anyway, I was that sort of swaying weekend at Bernie's guy, and Matt was fine.

00:17:32.000 And we were standing outside of Max Fish, and he goes, let's go on an adventure.

00:17:37.000 Okay.

00:17:39.000 So we jump in a taxi, and we just head south for some reason.

00:17:44.000 I think he already had cased this joint?

00:17:46.000 Because maybe he lived in Chinatown?

00:17:48.000 And he takes us to... Chinatown, by the way, in New York City, is China.

00:17:53.000 Kids go to Chinese schools, the signs are all in Chinese, and there's lots of places like this.

00:17:58.000 Flushing is like this, where you drive, like, take the...

00:18:03.000 The 7 train that you take to Citi Field to see the Mets, go one more stop to the very end of the 7 line, walk out, you're in China. 0.99

00:18:09.000 Like, the police speak Chinese, all the signs are Chinese, and people grow up there never speaking a word of English.

00:18:16.000 They don't listen to rock and roll, they listen to Chao-Ting-Chur. 0.99

00:18:20.000 In fact, I bet, I bet you Beijing is more Americanized than flushing New York. 0.89

00:18:26.000 And Chinatown in New York City is also like that.

00:18:30.000 Chinese are spreading. 0.99

00:18:31.000 You go to the Five Points now or Bill the Butcher's from, that's all Chinese. 1.00

00:18:36.000 Chinatown, like Little Italy is shrunk.

00:18:39.000 Little Italy is just a couple streets now in New York and no one can afford to live there except the guys who have been there for three generations and they pay 800 bucks a month.

00:18:47.000 But there, that's become like a Disneyland kind of Italian area.

00:18:51.000 They have the

00:18:52.000 The San Gennaro feast and people come in from real Italian neighborhoods to sort of pretend that they're in a Scorsese film.

00:19:00.000 Anyway, so we're down in China.

00:19:03.000 We're ostensibly in China.

00:19:05.000 And he goes, check this out.

00:19:07.000 And we find some door and it's like a weird door.

00:19:11.000 Even the door is so Chinese. 1.00

00:19:13.000 It's like the doorknob is sideways. 0.99

00:19:15.000 It's like Asian girls' vaginas go horizontal and their doorknobs are the same way. 1.00

00:19:21.000 And he starts banging on the door, and someone opens the door, and he goes, Health Department! 1.00

00:19:26.000 And he has a fucking badge. 1.00

00:19:29.000 Now, the badge is a piece of shit plastic badge. 1.00

00:19:32.000 I guess he does this all the time? 0.99

00:19:34.000 But he had a fake badge on him that he flops down in his wallet, and then he goes, show me your ID.

00:19:40.000 So I just show them my- I pull down my wallet and do the same thing, and I have a driver's license, that's it. 0.99

00:19:45.000 And the guy goes, shit, he's freaking out. 0.97

00:19:48.000 And so, we start going down the stairs. 0.99

00:19:52.000 Now, I don't know if you watch a lot of Kung Fu, but there is a series that Jet Li did at the beginning of his career when he was still known as Li Lianjie.

00:20:00.000 And he plays a character named Wong Fei-Hung.

00:20:04.000 And Wong Fei-Hung is a true guy.

00:20:07.000 He's like a real person that existed, like Jesse James.

00:20:09.000 He was a doctor who learned martial arts to help protect from the government and tyranny.

00:20:15.000 And he ended up training all these people in Kung Fu and saving their lives.

00:20:19.000 Folk hero, the movies are awesome, but they're from a hundred years ago.

00:20:23.000 So, you know, when they have a restaurant scene, everything's made of bamboo and there's, you know, sort of cheap and beautiful and, and peasant-y rural architecture.

00:20:35.000 This is what was in this place.

00:20:36.000 There was nothing Western about any of the construction.

00:20:40.000 The, the, it was, it was like a

00:20:43.000 Imagine a nightclub, right?

00:20:44.000 But a factory.

00:20:45.000 And it was a tofu factory.

00:20:46.000 They were making tofu down there.

00:20:48.000 And there was at least seven floors down.

00:20:52.000 And there was balconies made of bamboo.

00:20:54.000 Bamboo everywhere.

00:20:56.000 And wood.

00:20:57.000 And there was Chinese, like, little flags and stuff.

00:21:00.000 And writing in Chinese.

00:21:01.000 Like, paint.

00:21:02.000 Paintage.

00:21:03.000 It looked like an underground factory from a hundred years ago.

00:21:08.000 Deep in rural China.

00:21:11.000 In Fengyang province.

00:21:14.000 And so we keep going down.

00:21:18.000 We're inspecting all the tofu. 0.97

00:21:21.000 Clearly this entire place was illegal, because these guys were shitting bricks.

00:21:25.000 And he grabs some of the tofu off like a giant square that was as big as a dining room table, this piece of tofu. 0.95

00:21:32.000 And he grabs it and he stuffs it in my face.

00:21:35.000 He goes, how does that taste?

00:21:36.000 And I'm just like, I'm drunk. 1.00

00:21:39.000 And I bet the Chinese guys were like, these fucking health inspectors, they come to our place drunk. 1.00

00:21:47.000 And I'm afraid one of them is going to shoot us. 1.00

00:21:49.000 These guys are so hammered. 0.98

00:21:51.000 That's actually, that's pretty normal because I remember having a restaurant and the health inspectors would come and they were totally corrupt. 0.89

00:21:55.000 They were all from Guyana, by the way.

00:21:58.000 Did I tell you about that?

00:21:59.000 I had a restaurant, a southern fried restaurant with a black guy named Curtis Brown and uh... 0.99

00:22:06.000 We kept getting dinged with these stupid fucking health inspectors, me, and they were all from Guyana, and we would, I admittedly, get kind of abusive with them because they would, you know, you get a few fines and you lose your A, it becomes a B, that's tens of thousands of dollars down the drain. 0.99

00:22:23.000 You need to maintain that A. And we'd get fined for dinged cans, like a can of beans has a dent in it, 0.99

00:22:31.000 Tins are aluminum, fuckhead from Guyana, and they also are plastic lined.

00:22:37.000 So, there's no problem with dents.

00:22:38.000 The original dent law goes from the 20s when tins were made of tin, and you could get, uh, what's it called?

00:22:46.000 Tinnitus?

00:22:47.000 Is that- that's not from loud music?

00:22:48.000 That- that disease you get from tin.

00:22:52.000 The- the guy who built the Brooklyn Bridge, Roebling, he got that on his foot.

00:22:55.000 I always confuse it with tinnitus, but it's- it's a name like that, and it comes from fragments of tin.

00:23:01.000 Uh, that's impossible now!

00:23:05.000 So it's just a racket, New York's corrupt, and obviously these guys, who were totally illegal, were dealing with corrupt health officials, who coincidentally were not.

00:23:13.000 They were two drunk guys pretending to be health officials.

00:23:15.000 Anyway, it gets weirder!

00:23:18.000 So we test out the tofu, we tell them it's fine, but we want to examine the living quarters. 0.86

00:23:22.000 Now they're really shitting their pants.

00:23:24.000 And we push back a big black curtain that was just a big piece of black cloth, right? 0.99

00:23:30.000 There's another room here with nothing but bamboo motherfucking bunk beds. 0.98

00:23:37.000 And they're stacked like four people high. 0.98

00:23:40.000 They had a video out today of the places that Trump is putting these kids, and it's not in cages, that was Obama.

00:23:46.000 And it looks pretty nice, and they go, look at this, there's ten beds to a room!

00:23:50.000 And you go, those look like really nice beds.

00:23:52.000 And look, the kid put up some pictures on his wall.

00:23:54.000 This is not a prison.

00:23:56.000 Um, this place looked like a prison.

00:23:58.000 I mean, these people were being packed in like sardines in these horrible bunks in pitch blackness.

00:24:04.000 It's hot down there.

00:24:05.000 This is in the summer, by the way.

00:24:06.000 It's humid.

00:24:07.000 There's no AC, obviously.

00:24:09.000 And these guys are just sitting there in bunks, all illegal aliens, I 100% guarantee that, and just working in the tofu factory and then sleeping. 0.99

00:24:18.000 Working, probably eating tofu as they work.

00:24:21.000 I worked with a guy at a bagel shop in Montreal once when I was, like, 18.

00:24:26.000 And, uh, guess how many hours this Chinaman worked? 0.99

00:24:28.000 Now, he was there legally, so... No, I. Legally.

00:24:32.000 So, this is a different scenario, but it also just shows you that Chinese people can really work their asses off. 1.00

00:24:37.000 Guess how many hours he worked?

00:24:39.000 I'll give you some time.

00:24:40.000 I'll go get a coffee.

00:24:41.000 I'll be right back.

00:24:42.000 Alright, I'm back.

00:24:44.000 24 hours a day.

00:24:46.000 He would save up his...

00:24:48.000 Breaks, his 15-minute breaks, until he could accrue six hours, and then he would sleep upstairs on a foldable chair.

00:24:58.000 And he would work there for, like, two years.

00:25:02.000 So he ended up making about a quarter million dollars a year.

00:25:08.000 Like they talk about the immigrants stealing our jobs, he was basically stealing our jobs. 0.88

00:25:13.000 I mean, he was doing three people's worth of work.

00:25:16.000 So he had three, oh wait a minute, 250 grand.

00:25:19.000 He was doing like five people's work.

00:25:22.000 Working 24 hours a day at this place and just eating bagels as he worked.

00:25:26.000 And this was of course so he could pay, it's 50 grand to leave China.

00:25:30.000 50 grand cash.

00:25:31.000 So I guess he was accruing the 50, 50, 50, 50 he needed for his family.

00:25:36.000 But these guys, and by the way, even in China they do this because they have a totally different culture than us.

00:25:42.000 People are different.

00:25:43.000 And in China, the attitude is, let's work ourselves nearly to death, and then take two months off for Chinese New Year.

00:25:50.000 And we'll go, we'll live like dogs, packed like sardines, and make suits.

00:25:55.000 Like, I went to a tailor's, David Cross and I actually went in Shanghai,

00:25:59.000 And there was tailors, like, stacked on top of each other.

00:26:02.000 It was only an eight-foot ceiling, but they had built a sort of shelf for another tailor to go up there, and they were just... sewing suits all day.

00:26:12.000 And those people were not slaves, and they're obviously not in China illegally, but they would just... I think it's just their culture.

00:26:18.000 You work your ass off, and then you don't work, and you go up to the country, and you have a big house there, and all your family's there, and you get to relax.

00:26:25.000 I'm not a fan.

00:26:25.000 I don't... I don't want to do that.

00:26:27.000 I want to work...

00:26:28.000 A normal amount in the day, and then have dinner with my family and relax and read the paper.

00:26:32.000 Anyway!

00:26:34.000 So it's possible that these guys culturally are predisposed to this kind of abuse.

00:26:42.000 Oh my god, that's a horrible thing to say, but you know, I don't see Scotsman being crammed into bunks like that and making tofu in a humid dungeon for several years at a time, just for the honor of maybe having your friend or your relative come over later on.

00:27:00.000 Nah, no.

00:27:02.000 But I was just amazed that there was this, and I think Matt and I, we were bluffing pretty well up to the point of the body count, but when we saw these bunks, and there was probably like 50 people crammed into this tiny room that's the size of my studio I'm in right now, 50 people in this little studio, just ba-da-ba-da-ba-da, ba-da-ba-da-ba-da, ba-da-ba-da-ba-da, ba-da-ba-da-ba-da, ba-da-ba-da-ba-da, just stacked.

00:27:24.000 On top of each other.

00:27:25.000 And there was plenty of people there, like, just awake. 0.99

00:27:28.000 And they're sort of sitting up in their bamboo bunks, staring at us like, oh shit, are we gonna be, are you ice? 0.97

00:27:34.000 Are we gonna be detained now? 0.98

00:27:36.000 And we're like, alright.

00:27:37.000 Checked, looked under some of the beds for weapons. 0.99

00:27:39.000 I don't know what the fuck we were doing. 0.99

00:27:40.000 We had switched roles now from health inspector to corrections officer. 0.99

00:27:45.000 And we just kept exploring.

00:27:47.000 And it seemed to go on and on and on, the catacombs.

00:27:51.000 I told you about that other time, right?

00:27:52.000 We went to a school.

00:27:54.000 Yeah, I think I did.

00:27:55.000 It's a school next to Mars Bar, which is gone now.

00:27:58.000 This is on 2nd and 2nd in the city, 2nd Avenue and 2nd Street.

00:28:03.000 And there was an underground school.

00:28:04.000 Yeah, it's in the Trevor Simser episode, I remember now, where we went down.

00:28:09.000 And there was just this endless catacomb of homeless people.

00:28:11.000 There is a whole other underground New York.

00:28:13.000 In fact, there's a great documentary about this.

00:28:16.000 I think it's called Dark Days.

00:28:18.000 DJ Shadow did the music for it.

00:28:20.000 And it's about the people who live

00:28:23.000 In the abandoned subway tunnels of New York City, where there's entire villages. 0.98

00:28:29.000 Entire fucking villages of cardboard homes underground, under New York, where it doesn't get too hot. 0.95

00:28:38.000 Yeah, Dark Days is the name of the film. 0.99

00:28:40.000 Doesn't get too hot.

00:28:41.000 I would never go down there. 0.81

00:28:42.000 It's funny, too, because you kind of see the white guys doing better than other people, like getting organized, and they have pit bulls that they raise there, and they guard their garbage in their cardboard mansion. 0.96

00:28:55.000 There's the white part of town, there's the black part of town. 0.99

00:28:59.000 But it's an incredible film, and New York is an incredible city, because there's just, like, people say, oh, it's a melting pot, and there's that stupid Beastie Boys song where they're like, 0.98

00:29:07.000 Black Puerto Rican, we all get together on the subway. 0.97

00:29:11.000 Rich guys, white guys, yeah, we're all chillin' on the subway, yeah.

00:29:14.000 We're on the 9 and the B and the J and the Z and we're all buddies and we're all friends and I have a Puerto Rican friend.

00:29:20.000 No you don't.

00:29:21.000 There's Puerto Rican New York.

00:29:23.000 That's one New York.

00:29:25.000 There's black New York. 0.99

00:29:25.000 Actually, there's two blacks New Yorks. 0.99

00:29:28.000 There's Brooklyn blacks. 1.00

00:29:31.000 Who are totally different than Harlem Blacks. 1.00

00:29:33.000 Brooklyn Blacks wear different pants.

00:29:35.000 Like the skinny jeans thing was big in Harlem way before it was in New York.

00:29:39.000 In Brooklyn, I mean.

00:29:39.000 Brooklyn Blacks were still wearing the baggy pants right up until like seven years ago.

00:29:44.000 Brooklyn Blacks is more crime. 0.99

00:29:45.000 There's more welfare. 1.00

00:29:47.000 There's more laziness. 0.99

00:29:48.000 Harlem Blacks are always moving and shaking. 1.00

00:29:50.000 There's always a hustle. 0.98

00:29:51.000 Sometimes it's illegal.

00:29:53.000 Often it's not.

00:29:53.000 Maybe it's like, I'm making jeans.

00:29:55.000 I make pants.

00:29:56.000 We're having a party.

00:29:57.000 There's always like a party they're promoting and they got the little flyers.

00:30:00.000 They're always on the move. 0.94

00:30:01.000 And Harlem Blacks don't like Brooklyn Blacks. 1.00

00:30:03.000 I think they're lazy. 0.98

00:30:06.000 And then, there's several underground New Yorks, and I'm not speaking figuratively.

00:30:11.000 There is a literal underground Chinese New York, where there's tofu factories and illegal aliens stacked up in bamboo bunk beds like it's a Wong Fei Hung movie. 0.94

00:30:23.000 And there's underground villages of homeless people, several different types, including the ones who live in the subways. 0.99

00:30:31.000 I kind of like that about New York, is that it's so unbelievably weird, and every time you peel a layer of the onion back, you go, what the fuck? 0.99

00:30:40.000 And it is so corrupt, it's still build-a-butcher Tammany Hall. 1.00

00:30:45.000 You wouldn't believe the kind of laziness and bullshit. 1.00

00:30:48.000 Even like that thing I told you about the Chinese guy who worked 24 hours a day, union electricians do that too. 0.99

00:30:55.000 They'll work 48 hours in a weekend, because it goes time, then time and a half, then double time and a half.

00:31:02.000 And they save up their breaks, and they sleep on lawn chairs on Friday night and Saturday night, and just go.

00:31:07.000 And they're working the whole time. 0.99

00:31:09.000 It's not really like they're sitting on their ass, but they get double time and a half. 0.98

00:31:12.000 They end up making, I calculated, 12 grand in a weekend. 0.98

00:31:16.000 So, you know, you're slow on some car payments or you want to buy a new Range Rover, just do four of those weekends.

00:31:22.000 Boom.

00:31:23.000 Ready to rock.

00:31:23.000 Tricked out Range Rover.

00:31:24.000 You did it, buddies.

00:31:26.000 And I noticed, I know some union dudes and some cops and, you know, once you get into the established, not in crowd, but like traditional crowd,

00:31:37.000 You know, cops will give you a mini badge, you get a concealed carry permit easier.

00:31:42.000 Not in Manhattan, those days are gone.

00:31:44.000 That whole thing, that was all pay to play and that got blown up.

00:31:48.000 That was a guy named John Campbell.

00:31:51.000 He was my guy too.

00:31:53.000 And he was just, you'd give him seven grand and he'd pay people to get a permit. 1.00

00:31:57.000 Fuck the forms, don't worry about that, it's just money. 1.00

00:32:00.000 A la Tammany Hall, Bill the Butcher. 1.00

00:32:03.000 And he got caught, and he's in prison now.

00:32:05.000 And he was my guy.

00:32:06.000 And guess what else about John Campbell?

00:32:08.000 Please look him up if you don't believe me. 1.00

00:32:10.000 He has a vagina. 1.00

00:32:12.000 Yep. 1.00

00:32:13.000 Short, fat guy who started taking testosterone probably like 20 years ago.

00:32:17.000 Married to a woman who I guess fingers him?

00:32:21.000 I don't know what they do.

00:32:21.000 They use a double dong?

00:32:23.000 I don't know.

00:32:23.000 Maybe he uses a strap on?

00:32:24.000 I'm not sure how that works. 0.99

00:32:26.000 Just a short, fat, bald guy with a beard. 0.98

00:32:28.000 He looks like the short, fat guy from American Pickers. 0.86

00:32:32.000 Exactly like that guy like there's nothing you know how with a lot of trans you can sort of tell when you've been taking those pills for 30 years Like I got a buddy Todd Seavey. 0.99

00:32:41.000 I think is his name, and he he's he's been taking pills He's bald and he has a vagina and his boyfriend. 0.99

00:32:46.000 Just fucks him in his vagina and Eats him out, and he looks like the guy who repairs your transmission. 1.00

00:32:54.000 He's a hoser like in a lumberjack jacket and bald 1.00

00:32:57.000 With like a little goatee.

00:33:00.000 He doesn't look remotely feminine. 0.96

00:33:02.000 I said to him, dude, if your boyfriend ever dumps you, you're screwed because who is into this? 0.99

00:33:08.000 It's a redneck mechanic who looks like he tells dirty jokes at the bar and day drinks, who happens to have no penis. 1.00

00:33:16.000 So you have to go down on this mechanic with a hairy chest. 0.99

00:33:21.000 Me, basically me, but a little uglier. 0.76

00:33:24.000 No offense, dude. 1.00

00:33:26.000 And then just a vagina. 1.00

00:33:27.000 That's a very, very rare taste. 1.00

00:33:30.000 That would be like being attracted to someone who has three eyes.

00:33:33.000 You're not going to find a lot of takers on eHarmony.

00:33:37.000 But yeah, that was John Campbell.

00:33:43.000 Of course it's the elephant in the room. 1.00

00:33:45.000 Every time you talk to him, you're like, you have a fucking vagina. 1.00

00:33:49.000 He, by the way, he was in the closet and then when he started to get arrested, he said, no, no, I wasn't bribing anyone. 1.00

00:33:54.000 I had to buy gifts because I'm trans and there's transphobia in the police community.

00:34:00.000 So I needed to, uh, give gifts to sort of become equal.

00:34:05.000 And the judge goes, yeah, no, I'm not buying it.

00:34:11.000 10 years in prison.

00:34:12.000 I actually don't know how much, how many years in prison you got, but... You got in big trouble, and that was the end of the Manhattan Gravy Chain, but there's still the burbs!

00:34:19.000 There's still Long Island, there's still Westchester, there's still plenty of places to have a gun.

00:34:23.000 Any hizzle, um...

00:34:26.000 Yeah, the corruption with some of these guys.

00:34:28.000 Like, you know when you take the train, the Long Island Railroad, or Metro North, and you go into the city?

00:34:33.000 Those guys who stamp your ticket?

00:34:34.000 By the way, I know some of these guys. 0.94

00:34:36.000 God bless your cotton socks, but your job is insane. 0.87

00:34:40.000 Totally meaningless. 1.00

00:34:41.000 I don't mean you as a person have a shitty life. 0.99

00:34:43.000 I mean, it would be so easy to replace you with a machine. 0.99

00:34:46.000 We do it in the subway in New York.

00:34:49.000 In New York City, you just swipe.

00:34:51.000 Don't have a card to swipe?

00:34:53.000 Can't get on the train.

00:34:55.000 We're still punching tickets?

00:34:57.000 I mean, I have my tickets on my phone, and I show them that. 0.99

00:35:00.000 But people still buy a ticket, and he has a fucking hole punch and goes, ka-clunk. 0.99

00:35:04.000 What is this? 0.99

00:35:04.000 That Tom Hanks CGI movie? 0.99

00:35:07.000 Polar Bear Express?

00:35:09.000 How have we not moved on from the 20s?

00:35:11.000 I'll tell you why.

00:35:12.000 Corruption.

00:35:13.000 There's tons of money in New York and, you know, fifth generation hand-me-downs, fire department. 1.00

00:35:19.000 Fire department's another fucking joke. 0.98

00:35:21.000 There's no more fires in New York. 1.00

00:35:22.000 You don't build... Studs in homes are now made of aluminum.

00:35:26.000 They don't use wood studs anymore.

00:35:28.000 So, everything is fireproof.

00:35:31.000 I've lived here for 20 years. 0.99

00:35:33.000 I've seen two fucking fires. 1.00

00:35:35.000 Two. 1.00

00:35:37.000 But I hear a fire engine every goddamn day, because they go and they do ER and stuff. 0.99

00:35:43.000 I don't know. 0.98

00:35:44.000 I've fought with a lot of firemen.

00:35:45.000 Argued.

00:35:45.000 I don't mean fist fight.

00:35:47.000 I don't think I'd last very long fighting a fireman.

00:35:49.000 Although, they're getting fatter and they're letting women in, so maybe I will beat up a firewoman at some point. 1.00

00:35:54.000 But, uh, yeah.

00:35:55.000 Crazy pensions for what?

00:35:57.000 For some first aid?

00:35:58.000 Because someone choked on a chicken bone?

00:35:59.000 You're not running into burning buildings anymore, dude.

00:36:01.000 And, by the way, I know what you did in 9-11.

00:36:04.000 You did lose a lot of men.

00:36:05.000 Yes, you also stole a lot of Rolexes, if I recall. 1.00

00:36:09.000 Yeah, the FDNY broke into a Rolex store in the World Trade Center and stole a bunch of fucking watches. 0.99

00:36:18.000 Can you believe that? 0.99

00:36:19.000 I wouldn't want that Rolex on my wrist.

00:36:21.000 This is the death watch.

00:36:24.000 This watch I got from a pile of dead bodies.

00:36:29.000 Anyway, um,

00:36:32.000 No, but these ticket guys, this is what they do, okay?

00:36:34.000 They go in... They go from their home to Grand Central.

00:36:40.000 That's a shift now.

00:36:42.000 Now they have a break.

00:36:44.000 And then they take the train back home.

00:36:46.000 That's considered the end of that shift.

00:36:50.000 There's a break in the middle of these two trips, which is just to Grand Central and back.

00:36:54.000 You know how long that break is?

00:36:55.000 Oh, five hours.

00:36:57.000 I don't know how much these guys make.

00:36:58.000 I think they make about 80 grand a year once they're settled in.

00:37:02.000 But, look that up.

00:37:03.000 How much does the Metro North guys make?

00:37:06.000 The Long Island Railroad ticket guys make?

00:37:08.000 I bet you it's 80.

00:37:09.000 And I bet the pension is 60.

00:37:11.000 In perpetuity.

00:37:12.000 And I bet your wife gets it after she dies.

00:37:14.000 That's the way it is with cops and firemen.

00:37:15.000 43 bucks an hour, so... 43 bucks an hour, yeah.

00:37:20.000 That's... That's, that's... That's, uh, fancy talk.

00:37:27.000 257 Metro Northern Plays made $200K last year.

00:37:31.000 The average American salary by the buy is $50.

00:37:35.000 So, okay, so this is what they get 200k for.

00:37:38.000 So they go in, and by the way, God bless your cotton hustle. 1.00

00:37:42.000 I wanted my son to be a cop.

00:37:44.000 He's not interested, but the money's just sitting there.

00:37:46.000 I actually almost got beat up by a fireman because he was with me.

00:37:50.000 And then I go, look, the money's just sitting there.

00:37:51.000 I want someone, if everyone's picking up, I want my son to have some.

00:37:54.000 And he goes, hold on a second. 0.98

00:37:57.000 You fucking, you're against the pensions that firemen and cops get, yet you want your own son to be part of that? 0.99

00:38:05.000 And they go, yeah. 1.00

00:38:06.000 And he goes, fuck you! 1.00

00:38:06.000 We're done! 1.00

00:38:07.000 We're fucking done! 0.99

00:38:09.000 That really pissed him off. 0.99

00:38:11.000 These blue collar people, they're very big on honor and character and they can get quite grumpy. 1.00

00:38:18.000 Actually, I have noticed that about blue collars.

00:38:21.000 I'm middle class.

00:38:21.000 They're different than me.

00:38:23.000 Like I had this guy, we, our families hung out sometimes and he was a union dude and my wife just stopped following his wife on Instagram.

00:38:31.000 So?

00:38:32.000 I don't want to look at your kids all the time.

00:38:33.000 You're filling up my feed. 1.00

00:38:34.000 And he goes, yo, what the fuck? 1.00

00:38:37.000 I saw your wife stopped following my wife on Instagram. 1.00

00:38:40.000 And I go, yeah, who cares, dude?

00:38:42.000 And he goes, well, we stopped following you.

00:38:44.000 That's the way it goes in Brooklyn.

00:38:48.000 I still like you.

00:38:49.000 I just don't want to look at your kids.

00:38:51.000 We're not friends anymore.

00:38:53.000 Another thing he did to me, and I love this guy by the way.

00:38:55.000 Love him to death.

00:38:57.000 He did me a bunch of favors because he's a plumber and he fixed a bunch of things in my house.

00:39:03.000 Running tap and all that.

00:39:05.000 Now you gotta do something for me. 0.99

00:39:06.000 And I'm a shitty carpenter. 0.95

00:39:08.000 I love doing carpentry, but I'm terrible. 0.86

00:39:10.000 And I built some frames for some pictures.

00:39:12.000 Like big, huge wood frames that look all, you know, beat up.

00:39:16.000 He was like, I want you to make me one of those frames for something for my kid.

00:39:20.000 He grabbed some random painting his daughter did. 0.97

00:39:22.000 So I made him one of my shitty frames. 0.82

00:39:24.000 And you know, you can see like where I put in the nails and stuff. 0.91

00:39:27.000 It's not good.

00:39:29.000 It looks like a child made it.

00:39:31.000 But- and I didn't- he didn't really want a frame, but that was just the Brooklyn thing.

00:39:35.000 Oh, I did something for you.

00:39:36.000 You do something for me now.

00:39:38.000 Now we're together. 1.00

00:39:40.000 Don't unfollow me, motherfucker. 1.00

00:39:44.000 They get real mad if you, like, don't call them back and stuff. 1.00

00:39:47.000 Meanwhile, middle-class people, you cannot speak for two years.

00:39:50.000 And then it's, hi, how's it going?

00:39:51.000 No, not- not the blue collars in New York.

00:39:55.000 And!

00:39:57.000 That pays back tenfold.

00:39:58.000 Like, I know a guy, I can pay him 1,500 bucks, he'll change the odometer on my car.

00:40:04.000 He'll hack my Land Rover and reduce the mileage.

00:40:09.000 Now, I'm not sure how that works with blue books and stuff, but... And maybe you can't do that anymore, but that's a cool thing to know.

00:40:16.000 Or, when there was the Katrina and no one had gas, I can get you gas.

00:40:21.000 Go to, uh, corner of Bowery and 3rd.

00:40:24.000 Say, uh, Dino sent you.

00:40:27.000 I got a big tank of gas.

00:40:28.000 Where'd you get the gas from?

00:40:29.000 Don't worry about it. 0.99

00:40:31.000 That's fucking awesome. 0.88

00:40:32.000 Anyway, so these guys at Metro North, you know, your brother will set you up, your dad sets you up, it's a thing. 0.99

00:40:38.000 Or another way you can get one of these jobs is just to clean shit. 0.97

00:40:42.000 If you go there and you work on the trains for minimum wage and clean up all the barf and the shit for, say, three years, 0.99

00:40:49.000 It's like being a prospect in a biker gang. 0.96

00:40:52.000 And it is a criminal enterprise, basically.

00:40:55.000 So, they go in, in the morning, and I'm telling you this as an anecdotal example of how corrupt New York City is.

00:41:04.000 They go in and then they have these secret rooms in Grand Central.

00:41:09.000 There's a whole secret world in that building and you can see them when you're at the station.

00:41:14.000 Look up next time you're at Grand Central and you'll see these strange glass floors that you'll see blue-collar dudes walking along like it's something out of Hunger Games.

00:41:26.000 And they're going to their secret room.

00:41:28.000 So I've never been there.

00:41:29.000 No civilians are allowed. 0.98

00:41:30.000 You need to be a ticket guy.

00:41:32.000 So you go up to these things and they have... The guy who told me all this might even get in trouble for this.

00:41:39.000 But anyway.

00:41:40.000 They go in.

00:41:41.000 There's a giant lobby. 0.85

00:41:43.000 where you sit on these 1950s couches because they haven't updated anything and it's all like Art Deco kind of, no Art Deco's 20th, what do you call it, mid-century modern uh... you know Frank Lloyd Wright couches and an old TV and you watch movies, they got a bunch of DVDs, a bunch of VHS tapes, you can go watch Home Alone you sit there with your buddies, shoot the shit uh... make a sandwich, got a little, just like the fire department and

00:42:09.000 They got little rooms. 0.94

00:42:11.000 You want to take a nap?

00:42:12.000 Here, go into 13B.

00:42:14.000 And in these little tiny rooms, it's not like the Chinese were stacked up, you got a little cot and, um, you got a little cot, a little side table, sit there, set your alarm for when you have to finish.

00:42:25.000 So you're getting paid as you sleep.

00:42:28.000 And when I was finding this out, I just said, dude, I would become the most savage alcoholic

00:42:36.000 If I had five hours to kill in New York City every single day?

00:42:40.000 Oh yeah, I then went through a phase like that.

00:42:43.000 Sometimes you just go to see a movie. 1.00

00:42:45.000 Just go see a movie by yourself as you're making $45 an hour to go and see a goddamn movie. 0.99

00:42:53.000 So there's a lot, you know, the older I get the more I realize that 0.99

00:42:58.000 Everything is so vastly different.

00:43:00.000 There's so many different Americas.

00:43:01.000 I actually kind of like discovering them all.

00:43:04.000 You know, there's a Cops America.

00:43:06.000 There's blue-collar New York America.

00:43:07.000 There's probably a whole other southern blue-collar thing that I don't know anything about.

00:43:12.000 Like Alabama. 1.00

00:43:13.000 The fuck? 1.00

00:43:14.000 Moonshine guys. 1.00

00:43:14.000 That's a whole other thing going on. 1.00

00:43:18.000 And Matt, the weirdo,

00:43:22.000 Was this guy, who uh, sorry I'm spacing because I'm remembering I gotta do my uh, my uh, sponsor read soon.

00:43:31.000 I won't read, I'll keep it funny.

00:43:33.000 Um, that's We The People.

00:43:35.000 What's the website again?

00:43:40.000 We The People Holsters, right?

00:43:43.000 Yeah.

00:43:47.000 I'll just print this out, shall we?

00:43:50.000 Yeah, so Matt was, he was kind of like me in the sense that he was traveling from one dimension to the other.

00:43:57.000 He was a rich kid from the Midwest.

00:43:59.000 I was middle class, grew up middle class.

00:44:01.000 And I was sort of slumming it in New York City.

00:44:04.000 And actually, I was slumming it from when I was 18 till I guess I sold my shares of Weiss.

00:44:10.000 So a quarter of a century I was slumming it.

00:44:12.000 And by the way, while I was doing all that, staying in squats in Europe and stuff, I was seeing trans people.

00:44:23.000 And queers, and polyamorous, and feminist separatists who don't want to be with men. 0.98

00:44:29.000 So, all these new phases with these social justice warriors, I remember them from the 80s.

00:44:34.000 Jesus Christ, that thing is loud.

00:44:36.000 It's 2018.

00:44:37.000 Can we not get some better machines?

00:44:39.000 I don't think those should make any noise anymore. 1.00

00:44:41.000 It's like these fucking dishwashers. 0.99

00:44:44.000 Hey, a machine can wash my dishes. 1.00

00:44:45.000 Cool.

00:44:46.000 Yeah, it only takes two hours.

00:44:49.000 Of technology, and shooting jets, and soap, and... Two hours?

00:44:53.000 I could do all the dishes on my block in two hours.

00:44:57.000 Isn't it?

00:44:57.000 And a washing machine, too.

00:45:00.000 60 minutes, God knows how much electricity.

00:45:02.000 Then you gotta put them in the dryer.

00:45:03.000 We haven't- I'm not that impressed. 1.00

00:45:05.000 Even fucking trains! 0.98

00:45:07.000 I'm not that impressed, guys. 0.99

00:45:08.000 You go, what, 65 miles an hour?

00:45:11.000 So, like, a slow car?

00:45:13.000 Oh, okay.

00:45:14.000 How long have you had these things for?

00:45:16.000 Oh, since, basically, uh...

00:45:18.000 The beginning of man.

00:45:19.000 We've had trains for, what, 300 years?

00:45:22.000 I mean, when were we... The Industrial Revolution, we used trains for coal mining and everything.

00:45:27.000 We've had trains forever, and they go sort of fast.

00:45:29.000 They should be bullets now. 0.64

00:45:31.000 I should get... I should faint. 0.99

00:45:33.000 I should pass out from the... What's it called?

00:45:35.000 The centrifugal force?

00:45:36.000 When you go... You know, they do that with astronauts.

00:45:40.000 I should be fainting on a train, and then wake up going...

00:45:44.000 Oh, we're already in DC?

00:45:46.000 That was an hour?

00:45:46.000 It takes me four hours to get to DC.

00:45:49.000 Why don't you fly, Gavin?

00:45:51.000 That ends up being about the same. 1.00

00:45:53.000 Fucking machines suck. 1.00

00:45:55.000 Stupid printer screaming out, I'm printing something! 1.00

00:45:58.000 I'm printing something! 1.00

00:45:59.000 I could probably write it out with a silent pen in less time.

00:46:03.000 Can you get me that, Dave?

00:46:05.000 Can you get me that?

00:46:07.000 Um, so I'm not even done with Matt.

00:46:12.000 Uh, and his weirdness. 0.65

00:46:13.000 Maybe, I think a lot of these guys get into drugs, or maybe he was already crazy.

00:46:17.000 I don't know, maybe that's what the letter was to his dad.

00:46:20.000 Maybe his dad has a bunch of normal doctor-lawyer kids, and then Matt was the one that wasn't quite right in the head.

00:46:26.000 Uh, because I hadn't talked to him for a while.

00:46:29.000 He went to Florida, and he was in this relationship with this girl, who I believe dumped him, and he went bananas after that.

00:46:39.000 So you know what he did?

00:46:41.000 He does what all reasonable guys do when they get dumped.

00:46:44.000 He kidnapped her, brought her to a hotel, kept her locked up in a hotel for two days.

00:46:47.000 He stole her.

00:46:48.000 Get dumped by your girlfriend?

00:46:50.000 Steal her back. 0.99

00:47:01.000 Now, I'm not sure you're familiar with the law, but that's a big fucking deal. 0.99

00:47:06.000 That's like kidnapping. 0.96

00:47:08.000 A friend of mine is going through it right now actually.

00:47:10.000 It's a pretty horrific story and I'll just take a tangent with it. 1.00

00:47:16.000 His wife is a fucking mental patient and she threatens to kill herself. 1.00

00:47:24.000 Um, so he won't let her leave, because as much as he hates her guts, it's his ex-wife, it's the mother of his children, and he wants them to have a mom. 1.00

00:47:34.000 A crazy mom is better than a dead mom. 1.00

00:47:36.000 So he won't let her leave, because she's harmed herself. 0.96

00:47:38.000 Now, meanwhile, he's calling 911, and almost crying on the phone, saying, my wife is suicidal, I don't know what to do, and she's here in the house, I don't want her to leave, I'm not gonna let her leave.

00:47:48.000 He gets arrested for abduction.

00:47:52.000 And I forget the exact legal verbiage, but it's like, well, preventing departure or something, like confining a person against their will.

00:48:00.000 It's not quite kidnapping, but it's like that. 0.99

00:48:02.000 There's so many fucking stupid rules, like when Ryan McGinley stole a painting with Sam Segelnick and Sperm... What's his name? 1.00

00:48:09.000 S-S-Semen? 1.00

00:48:12.000 The graffiti guy?

00:48:14.000 The woman whose painting or picture they stole jumped on the car, then they drove.

00:48:18.000 So part of their charge, two of them did a year in prison for this, part of the charge was kidnapping.

00:48:24.000 Because when she was on the car and they moved forward like 10 feet, that was them transporting someone.

00:48:29.000 What is she, are they child trafficking? 0.52

00:48:32.000 Two of them human trafficking?

00:48:35.000 You don't want to get caught up in the law, boys.

00:48:37.000 Anyway, the judge, he has a coke charge, this guy who didn't want his ex-wife to commit suicide.

00:48:44.000 So he has a criminal record.

00:48:46.000 So they also count it as a violation of his parole.

00:48:48.000 Hey, you're on parole for your cocaine.

00:48:50.000 He had like a bag of coke.

00:48:52.000 You know, like everyone in the world, I believe 7 million Americans are using cocaine right now.

00:48:57.000 I don't mean have you tried it once.

00:48:58.000 I mean our frequent users, 7 million. 0.99

00:49:01.000 Everyone's fucking done coke. 1.00

00:49:03.000 Jesus Christ. 1.00

00:49:04.000 I don't do coke.

00:49:05.000 I'm 47.

00:49:06.000 But if someone walks up to you and goes and you're drunk and they go, you want to do a little toots my goots?

00:49:12.000 Who says no?

00:49:13.000 I swear to God I could go up to to the Queen of England.

00:49:18.000 Hello.

00:49:19.000 Hi.

00:49:19.000 Oh, it's an honor to meet your majesty.

00:49:21.000 Um, I heard that you're a little hungover and you have to do a talk later on.

00:49:25.000 Would you want a little hee-haw? 0.98

00:49:27.000 A little

00:49:29.000 Do you want a little?

00:49:30.000 I'm just, I'm tapping my nose by the way.

00:49:31.000 I know you can't see me.

00:49:33.000 She'd be like, um, well, I'm quite old.

00:49:39.000 Yeah, just a little.

00:49:39.000 Here, I got it on a key.

00:49:41.000 You want to just do a little bumper magoo?

00:49:43.000 Um, maybe just the one nostril.

00:49:44.000 Oh, that's a little jolt to the senses.

00:49:49.000 Might as well even it out.

00:49:50.000 I mean, why have one?

00:49:51.000 I need, I should do both sides.

00:49:54.000 Oh, there we are.

00:49:55.000 All right, let's put that away.

00:49:56.000 I'm the queen!

00:49:59.000 So this guy is facing 10 years.

00:50:01.000 Now we have a lawyer for him.

00:50:03.000 We're fighting it.

00:50:04.000 God, it's funny how on Twitter everyone's talking smack. 0.99

00:50:08.000 Proud Boys, you guys are thugs. 1.00

00:50:10.000 You guys are pussies with your tickle parties. 1.00

00:50:13.000 I wish. 0.99

00:50:14.000 I wish I wasn't having to bail Trigger Tommy out of jail after a knife fight where three people almost died.

00:50:20.000 I'm dealing with several knife fights right now.

00:50:24.000 Knives are hot in the scene at these rallies now. 1.00

00:50:27.000 Fucking knives. 1.00

00:50:29.000 What are we rumbling? 1.00

00:50:30.000 Is this the Greasers versus the Socs? 0.98

00:50:34.000 Anyway, yeah. 1.00

00:50:35.000 Ten fucking years. 0.99

00:50:36.000 Despite the 9-11 call. 1.00

00:50:38.000 I don't think so.

00:50:54.000 A movie, what's his name?

00:50:56.000 The guy who did Kill Bill?

00:50:59.000 It's right out of one of those movies.

00:51:00.000 True Lies kind of a thing.

00:51:01.000 Kidnapping a girl and taking her to a motel room is basically what we wrote in the law books.

00:51:06.000 Don't ever do that.

00:51:07.000 Here's the ideal situation of bad when we write laws.

00:51:12.000 Don't take a girl to a motel and keep her there as a hostage.

00:51:16.000 Signed, Society.

00:51:18.000 So he went to jail!

00:51:20.000 He went to jail for that.

00:51:21.000 He's out now. 1.00

00:51:22.000 I think he emailed me once or twice, but... Fuck, what a fucking weirdo, man. 1.00

00:51:28.000 The second he showed me that fake swastika handkerchief, I should have known this guy is a fucking freak, but... I did have some good times. 1.00

00:51:35.000 I got to see an underground Chinese slave tofu factory.

00:51:38.000 So that was good.

00:51:41.000 But yes, very important.

00:51:43.000 WeThePeopleHolsters.com forward slash Gavin

00:51:47.000 WeThePeopleHolsters.com slash Gavin.

00:51:50.000 Listeners of this podcast, get off my lawn, can use the code GAVIN and get $10 off their first holder.

00:51:56.000 That's $24.

00:51:57.000 Those holsters start at $34.

00:52:00.000 They've got an adjustable cant, adjustable ride.

00:52:02.000 You are hearing a person discuss something that he can't have.

00:52:06.000 So this is painful for me. 0.87

00:52:08.000 This is like a fat, ugly burn victim telling you about a supermodel's body. 0.77

00:52:13.000 She is to look at. 0.99

00:52:14.000 She's a nine.

00:52:15.000 She's a brunette. 1.00

00:52:16.000 She has sort of cat eyes, big lashes like a young Sophia Loren. 0.95

00:52:20.000 Her tits are perfect and have an amazing amount of droop that you could fit maybe three pencils underneath. 1.00

00:52:27.000 Her vagina is abnormally small. 1.00

00:52:29.000 She's remarkably libidinous. 1.00

00:52:31.000 She cries when you have sex with her. 1.00

00:52:33.000 Her ass looks like two bowling balls that are best friends hanging out with each other at a party. 1.00

00:52:40.000 Everything else about her is perfect. 1.00

00:52:42.000 Her skin feels like touching porcelain. 0.97

00:52:44.000 She is absolutely flawless and a hilarious MIT grad who can juggle. 1.00

00:52:53.000 That's how I feel telling you how you can hold your awesome handgun.

00:52:58.000 I don't even know what kind of handguns there are.

00:53:01.000 There's the skinny flat one.

00:53:02.000 I think that's called a revolver.

00:53:04.000 There's the thing that you play Russian Roulette with that you spin.

00:53:08.000 What's that?

00:53:08.000 Like a 38?

00:53:10.000 Is that the kind with the barrel?

00:53:12.000 Are there double-barreled ones that you can get?

00:53:15.000 Well, whatever they are, these guys will customize them because they got this fancy plastic that can mold perfectly.

00:53:21.000 And apparently,

00:53:23.000 Fatty McGee's have a little bit more trouble carrying their concealed carry because they don't have that nice little surfer thing that you have in your pelvis. 0.79

00:53:32.000 You know, sexy guys like to wear their surf shorts low and they have those little dips that make the ladies moist. 1.00

00:53:39.000 Us fatties don't have that. 1.00

00:53:41.000 And this adjustable cant and adjustable ride

00:53:44.000 Allows for that.

00:53:44.000 So, God, I'm getting my concealed carry, at least for the burbs.

00:53:48.000 And then... I'm never going to give up trying to get a concealed carry.

00:53:53.000 Never.

00:53:53.000 It must feel so... I mean, it feels great walking down the... the street.

00:53:57.000 Not street, but walking through the woods with a gun.

00:54:00.000 But my gun weighs a hundred pounds.

00:54:02.000 I'm exaggerating.

00:54:03.000 But just, like, sitting in a bar... 1.00

00:54:05.000 With, like, Anthony does, where he's got his gun on his ribcage, just sitting there underneath a Hawaiian shirt, and just knowing that if any shit goes down, I can shoot the bad guy in the head. 0.99

00:54:17.000 And I've noticed, by the way, liberals often criticize conservatives and gun lovers for that. 0.99

00:54:21.000 They go, these guys have fantasies about a home invasion, or shooting someone in the face, shooting some criminal.

00:54:28.000 I was thinking the other day, yeah?

00:54:31.000 What's the matter with that?

00:54:32.000 That's a cool fantasy. 1.00

00:54:34.000 I want to shoot a bad guy. 1.00

00:54:36.000 How is that sick and depraved? 1.00

00:54:37.000 I don't want to murder some guy walking down the street with his dog, just pop him in the head, but I want to save lives. 0.99

00:54:45.000 If someone was going to shoot up a Taco Bell and I shot him before he shot everyone, that would feel really cool, would it not? 0.99

00:54:52.000 No, but you killed a man. 0.92

00:54:54.000 Sort of. 0.93

00:54:55.000 I mean, I killed an animal. 0.99

00:54:57.000 I killed a murderer. 0.91

00:54:59.000 I don't agree with these people who say the death penalty isn't Christian. 1.00

00:55:02.000 He's murdering people. 0.98

00:55:03.000 We're killing a murderer. 0.99

00:55:05.000 We're saving lives. 1.00

00:55:06.000 That's good.

00:55:06.000 Guns save millions of lives.

00:55:10.000 Millions of crimes are prevented by people thinking you have a gun. 0.99

00:55:13.000 Anyway, there I go, making it fucking political again. 0.98

00:55:16.000 That's the way it always goes. 0.98

00:55:18.000 The point of this show was to just choose a random weirdo I knew 17 years ago and talk about how going out and meeting people and seeing all the weird shit in New York makes me so happy I'm alive. 0.97

00:55:29.000 I'm so lucky. 0.99

00:55:30.000 And speaking of pulling the plug on someone, if I can't wipe my own ass, do not pull the plug. 1.00

00:55:37.000 I don't care if I'm a fucking brain in a jar with one eye. 0.99

00:55:41.000 If I can communicate and do Morse code through winking my one eye, my one-eyed trouser snake, 0.99

00:55:48.000 I want to stay alive, because it seems like every year I realize there's a whole other America I didn't know existed.

00:55:55.000 Oh, by the way, a great book on that is called Almost Heaven, I believe.

00:56:01.000 Actually, let's look it up.

00:56:03.000 Almost Heaven.

00:56:03.000 I'm going to end the show with this.

00:56:05.000 I'm sorry to not be organized, but there's an amazing book

00:56:11.000 And it's all about all the weird Americas you don't know about.

00:56:15.000 There it is!

00:56:16.000 I got it.

00:56:17.000 Almost Heaven by Martin Fletcher.

00:56:20.000 Worst named book ever.

00:56:22.000 Should be called Weird Places in America.

00:56:24.000 But what this guy did was, and it's sort of the theme of this...

00:56:28.000 This podcast, you really gotta get this book.

00:56:31.000 He's a good writer, Martin Fletcher, and he really, he does what I call immersionism, like when Barbara Ehrenreich became poor for that book Nickel and Dimed.

00:56:40.000 He just travels around America and finds these weird little scenes, like a town where they speak German all the time, or a town that's just basically Brazilian.

00:56:48.000 They play lacrosse, they speak Brazilian, all the signs are in Brazilian.

00:56:51.000 He finds some little island in the Northeast that's booze-free. 0.93

00:56:56.000 All the fishermen, they go there and they drink Coca-Cola in these bars, and they all have a weird fucking English accent, because it's so sort of frozen in time. 0.89

00:57:05.000 He goes all across America finding these weird scenes that you can't believe are in America. 0.65

00:57:10.000 It's a really fun read.

00:57:11.000 Great for the toilet. 1.00

00:57:13.000 And speaking of which, I have to go pee.

00:57:16.000 So please check out wethepeopleholsters.com forward slash Gavin.

00:57:19.000 Please go to CRTV.com and check out my shows, Get Off My Lawn and CRTV Tonight with Gavin McInnes.

00:57:27.000 We've got one airing this Friday.

00:57:31.000 Oh shoot! 0.96

00:57:32.000 I started this show with a Friday song thinking it's Friday. 1.00

00:57:35.000 My brain is a piece of shit these days. 1.00

00:57:39.000 Last Friday, I went into the studio in New York, showed up in a suit, and I'm like, where the fuck are you, Dave? 1.00

00:57:44.000 And he goes, we don't do a show on Fridays, dumbass. 1.00

00:57:48.000 Oh, back on the train, headed home. 1.00

00:57:51.000 I'm retarded. 0.99

Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - June 19, 2018

Get Off My Lawn Podcast #59 | Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Friday

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