This week, the boys talk about how weird it must be to be gay, and how awkward it is to have sex with someone you're not into. They also talk about what it's like sleeping on a guy's back, and the awkwardness of sleeping on your back with a guy you don't care much for. Also, they talk about the weirdest thing they've ever had sex with a woman, and why they think it's weird to be sleeping on someone else's back. And, of course, there's a special guest appearance from their good friend Adam Carolla, who's a comedian, comedian, writer, podcaster, and all-around douchebag. And, as always, we have our Hot Girl Friday segment, where we talk about sex, sex, and more sex. Logo by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. The 500 is a production of Native Creative Podcasts. Our theme song is Come Alone by Suneaters, courtesy of Lotuspool Records, and our ad music is by Build Buildings Records. Please rate, review, and subscribe to our podcast on Apple Podcasts, wherever you get your music delivered. Please rate and review your music choices! Thank you so we can keep making music like this and keep spreading the word out there about what we're doing this podcast! We'll see you next week with a new episode of . Subscribe, review and subscribe in iTunes, and we'll send you're listening to our new episodes of next week! Subscribe on Anchor.fm.fm/The 500. Subscribe to our Podcasts! Thanks for listening and review our music is coming soon! and our new podcast is and we're listening out to your thoughts and reviews are on iTunes! on Podchaser! Send us your thoughts on this episode is coming out on your podcast and reviews and reviews on the podcast too! so we'll get it out to the world! we'll be reviewing it on the pod? in the next one on the air! if you review it on your thoughts, rating and what you like it's good enough, rating it on Insta and what do you think about it? and so on Instaposted on Instafilter? on Instagasm and what else?
Transcript
Transcripts from "Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes" are sourced from the Knowledge Fight Interactive Search Tool. You can also explore and interact with the transcripts here.
00:00:27.000And that doesn't involve pussy, by the way.
00:00:29.000Those guys get insanely late, so don't feel bad for them.
00:00:32.000But they're always ducking under things, and they're always slouching so they can get down to people, and at parties, they tend not to talk to people because you have to crane your neck to look at them.
00:00:44.000Um, but asking them how tall they are.
00:01:16.000Or another interesting thing, it must be weird to be gay.
00:01:22.000Remember Shane Smith advice, we used to talk about how weird it must be to wake up in the nook of a man's shoulder?
00:01:31.000You know, like, you know how a woman rarely want to do this with me, and I say women plural, but I guess I mean my wife, but I remember even in my single days, I loved the idea of a woman with her head like under my arm, sleeping like on my peck, you know what I mean?
00:01:46.000Um, and they never seemed comfortable.
00:01:48.000They'd do it for a little bit and then be like, yeah, I'm gonna go lie down over there, like on the other side of the bed where I can really catch some serious Z's.
00:01:55.000But I always wanted a woman, like, in my nape.
00:01:58.000Um, but it must be weird to be a homosexual and to just, ah, just...
00:02:09.000Wake up on a guy's back just like snuggled just snuggling with a dude just and then it gets even weirder when we get into the sexuality where you're lying on your stomach I presume and a man puts his penis into your butthole.
00:02:26.000And he's just going at it, you know, reaming away and you're just like, this is awesome.
00:03:16.000And I was also thinking, as a woman, it must really suck to have sex with someone you're not into.
00:03:25.000Because their weird little skinny boner, that's like a weird man-made thumb, is going in and out of your body in a very, you know, dangerous, secretive area.
00:06:02.000Which is, of course, a totally myopic, self-centered way to see the whole exchange and to totally ignore the fact that his fucking daughters are out a dad.
00:08:52.000If you're in a marriage, you're driving the boat.
00:08:56.000And if the boat gets caught on a rock, or there's a mutiny on the bounty, or Robert De Niro from Cape Fear jumps on and tries to burn your daughter's face off, that's all on you.
00:12:17.000Like you pay her bills and she lives with you and you have sex with her and you don't want her fucking anyone else.
00:12:23.000Yeah, you, in the attempt to devalidate marriage and tradition, you just recreated it.
00:12:31.000We see this all the time with the far left, like, it's like a trans woman is having a baby in his stomach, and his wife, who's a man, is actually a cis male, but it's a woman, and then he drives, and you realize, yeah, you're just a couple.
00:12:49.000Like I saw one, my wife, no, my husband is trying to have a baby and it's complicated.
00:12:55.000And you look at the story and you realize your husband is just a fucking dude.
00:13:02.000I mean, it's a chick with short hair and you are just a dude with long hair.
00:13:08.000So it's a long haired dude married to a short haired wife.
00:13:56.000When I got my Canadian citizenship, being English, I was about eight years old, I think, and I had to pledge my allegiance to a giant oil painting of the Queen of England.
00:14:06.000I had to look up at her and put my hand on my heart.
00:14:17.000Yeah, I wanted to make this podcast not about Canadians and politics, but about gays and the whole concept of sexuality and how different men and women are.
00:14:29.000And some woman just punched Nick DiPaolo in the face, which I can't get over, because he's a tough guy from Long Island.
00:14:34.000So if he had punched her back, she'd be dead.
00:14:37.000And when he said, so the story, I don't know if you watch my show, Get Off My Lawn, but the story is, he's posing for pictures and he's shaking hands after his show.
00:14:47.000And this dad comes up and says, great show, loved it.
00:14:51.000Yeah, yeah, let me pose for a picture.
00:16:14.000And she goes, I swear to God, first of all, the man, and this happened with my dog shit story too, the man who started the whole thing and was taking the pictures, he completely shuts down.
00:18:06.000So it's weird to be walking around the house with a rifle, nude, with the scope on it and stuff, like ready to murder a Puerto Rican junkie teenager.
00:18:17.000And that gets your heart going, especially when you don't have anything.
00:19:12.000And then you go back upstairs and you're just lying there in your bed with, you just left the MMA ring with Conor McGregor, like ready to fight to the death.
00:19:22.000And you're just lying in bed going, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.
00:19:26.000Like, I'd need half a bottle of Makers and a blowjob to get to sleep.
00:19:36.000So you just lie there with your heart pounding.
00:19:38.000And that's like when women talk about domestic chores and we have to do all this stuff.
00:19:42.000Yeah, I have to make sure the house works, the house is safe, the windows are all secured, the lawn is cared for, the garbage is out, and I have to make sure that I kill anyone who comes inside uninvited.
00:19:58.000Most security guards, that's their only job.
00:20:00.000They just sit there in that little booth making sure no bad guys come in.
00:20:05.000At Jennifer Aniston's house they have, where I've stayed many times by the way, that's a whole other podcast, they have like these Israeli Krav Maga guys who their only job is to sit there in the little hut and you know monitor the property and make sure nothing untowards happens.
00:21:42.000And so, the new narrative is that women should fight and men should not.
00:21:46.000And when these women do, they come in with all guns blazing, ready to rock, and then you flick them in the nose and they have a heart attack.
00:21:55.000I guess that was sort of like the guy at the airport, too.
00:22:21.000And skinheads were terrorizing us in the 80s, which is a whole other crazy story.
00:22:27.000The reason there were so many skinheads is because there was the Canadian Jewish Anti-Defamation League, whatever the fuck they were called.
00:22:35.000And they got this huge surge of income and the money was to try to fight the Nazi problem in Canada, which did not exist at all.
00:22:45.000It was seven white bearded men in Calgary, Winnipeg, and Etobicoke.
00:22:52.000So with the money, they got involved with CSIS, which is like the Canadian CIA.
00:22:57.000And they started this thing called the Heritage Foundation.
00:23:01.000And they would have pamphlets and rallies, all in an attempt to accrue the names of the Canadian Nazis.
00:23:11.000But after one hour of work, you have all seven Canadian Nazis.
00:23:18.000They had 7,000 hours and millions of dollars.
00:23:22.000So they ended up starting all these festivals and the Heritage Foundation and pamphlets and rallies to find the names, but they ended up creating the names.
00:23:32.000So in the 80s, Nazi skinheads were everywhere.
00:24:27.000There was a band in Toronto called BFG, a bunch of fucking goofs, and they just got in a school bus one day and they beat up all the Nazi skinheads in Toronto, all the Nazi skinheads in Ottawa, all the Nazi skinheads in Montreal.
00:26:03.000There was a horror movie when I was a kid in the 80s called The Beast Within, and this guy, you're a normal kid, and then you turn 18, and then you, the Beast Within comes out in you, and you're all of a sudden a monster, and then you go, you become invisible,
00:26:19.000And then you rape a woman, and then that woman gets pregnant, and she has a normal kid, and then when he turns 18, he becomes an invisible rapist.
00:26:28.000And the movie's called The Beast Within.
00:26:30.000I haven't seen it in about, literally, 40 years.
00:26:35.000But, uh, it's a cool concept, and I feel that way, like I'm becoming my dad.
00:27:11.000But yeah, the show tonight on CRTV Tonight is about the merits of violence, the joy of fighting, and how perfectly healthy it is, and how sad it is we got away from that, and the whole idea of calling the police all the time.
00:30:36.000We'd be in the haunted house or whatever it is.
00:30:38.000After it was closed, would have hid in there, waited for the closing, snuck in bottles of booze, and then partied in like It's a Small World at four in the morning.
00:31:18.000It's, uh, it's done up like an Aztec thing, it's in Barbados or Bahamas or something, and it's like this, it's made up like a Indiana Jones discovered Aztec society, but it's a giant water park, and you stay at the hotel and you ride the slides and you line up forever.
00:31:36.000Anyway, even there at 47 I managed to steal a pass and sneak down and go into the catacombs of the entire structure and ride around in a golf cart and check out all their little stations and the
00:31:54.000It said, there was this banner they kept having in the hallways and it said, Blow the customer's mind!
00:32:00.000And everyone was freaking out because I was the only white guy down there.
00:32:04.000And I had a dress shirt on so they thought it was staff, like management.
00:32:08.000So I didn't have the courage to take my camera out, but I would love to get a picture of that because I could just crop it and say,
00:32:55.000Ben Ratner was 24 at Disneyland and after going on some fucking rides sober as a judge and eating a goddamn fucking hot dog like a faggot like he's eating a cock he went back to his room and read a book and hit the hay.
00:33:15.000Maybe watched a movie with Sandra Bullock in it.
00:33:18.000What the fuck is going on with the kids today?
00:33:23.000He started the Proud Boys, by the way, because I was so distraught by his behavior.
00:33:29.000I said, all right, here's what we're gonna do.
00:33:42.000They don't care if you have a Harley-Davidson fucking Red Wing Skull Rider or just a bee sewing machine.
00:33:51.000I actually have a theory that when women ride on the back of whatever bike you have, it vibrates their clit.
00:33:56.000And I think you have a Pavlovian response where they go, when I'm with Ben, my area feels nice.
00:34:03.000I've just made that up, but I didn't just make it up right now, I've made it up a long time ago, but I honestly think there is a Pavlovian response when women ride on the back of a motorized vehicle.
00:35:31.000And, you know, I used to do it too, so it's not like I'm coming at this from like a Christian perspective or anything, but I'm shocked that I used to do it.
00:35:41.000I mean, you're sitting there touching your junk, watching another man fornicate.
00:35:50.000I mean, if you did that in real life, you'd go to jail.
00:35:54.000Imagine some dude, handsome gentleman, well built, with a huge dick, is fucking a woman, and you're there on a kitchen chair right next to them going, oh yeah, she's liking that, dude.
00:37:50.000Anyway, this woman that I know through the media business, we're talking about doing a project together, she had, they had trouble finding a vein.
00:39:18.000I know that's an overused adjective, but I think it's accurate in this case.
00:39:24.000I made twice as much money, my marriage improved two-fold, I wanted to spend more time with my kids, I got out of bed earlier because there's no reason to lie there fucking beating your meat.
00:40:15.000This is like, if you were an alien and you came and you wanted to control earthlings, you'd go, give them pawn machines, make them masturbate at home, make them not talk to girls, and eat.
00:40:26.000By the way, Ben Ratner's Diet, that's a whole other podcast.
00:40:30.000His idea of a delicious meal is just a bowl of broccoli and I think soy sauce he dips it in or something or egg roll sauce He's obviously autistic.
00:40:40.000He has Asperger's and You can tell when someone eats a bowl of broccoli for dinner, they're obviously fucked in the head, but my point is
00:40:50.000A generation ago, we had room for autistic people.
00:40:54.000They would just marry like an autistic, kind of chubby woman, and then they'd have, they'd fuck whenever it was appropriate, and they wouldn't beat off, and they'd have kids, and they'd just be like, oh your dad's an intense nerd?
00:41:24.000I'm happy to be a normal person as long as I can live in this fucking awesome place and buy an ATV for my eight-year-old kid and go have a huge barbecue at the park where all my friends are there and my cousins and we're playing music and then we get wasted and my kids have even my two-year-old he has like a plastic motorcycle that he goes up and down the driveway in this is fucking awesome man and we go yeah okay so you just replace this you do that stuff and as far as Ben goes fuck it
00:42:02.000That was the initial sort of, the initially, the meetups were like 20 guys and three of them would be hopeless virgins.
00:42:10.000And the 17 guys would sort of, especially Dante Nero, would sort of huddle around the nerds and go, all right, this is what we're gonna do.
00:42:16.000And Dante's thing was you gotta lay five bricks.
00:42:36.000So just interact in a slightly flirty way five times a day and eventually the sheer numbers of it will get you to a point where you're getting laid again.
00:42:45.000But I've noticed in recent meetups the sort of beta males have slipped away because, I don't know, I guess they get scared and they feel inadequate.
00:42:55.000It's sort of like if a mentally ill or handicapped person was hanging out with a football team.
00:43:03.000I think after a while they'd feel like, I'm going to get killed here.
00:43:06.000Like these Spartans are going to get drunk and smash me with a rock.
00:43:10.000So those guys don't really hang out anymore.
00:43:13.000But the central focus of the group is still there.
00:43:27.000I'm seething with hatred everywhere I go.
00:43:29.000And it could be someone in flip-flops, could be a guy that pissed all over the lid in the bathroom, and then was fixing his hair after pissing all over the lid while he tucked his sweater into his pants.
00:43:45.000Don't worry, we had words, and I screamed at him, I go,
00:43:49.000You're fucking pissed on the lid, you know!
00:43:53.000Normally I have a chance to calm down, but this guy, he left the bathroom and the bathroom was in a building that was like a corporate building, and then there was a cafe where we were having breakfast, also part of the building.
00:44:06.000So to go pee, you didn't use the cafe's bathroom, you used the building bathroom.
00:44:11.000And I fucking come storming, because I took a shit.
00:45:37.000Um, I don't know how I know this, because how would I see out of the stall?
00:45:42.000Anyway, for some reason I remember him sitting in the bathroom, combing his hair, slicking it back, with an orange sweater tucked into pants.
00:48:35.000Um, and then he marched off and sat with his parents.
00:48:40.000And I remember thinking when I was sitting on his piss, I remember thinking, I'm going to go into that cafe and I don't care if that guy's with his mother, with his children, with his family, I am going to open up on this dude and scream at him for pissing on my ass.
00:48:55.000Anyway, WeThePeopleHolsters.com, use the passcode GAVIN to get in.
00:49:06.000It's funny, this sponsor, which does these molded holsters that are custom made, they can do any picture you want on them, any graphic, and it's sort of a hard holster.
00:50:21.000It would be passionate, like Casablanca, Brigitte Bardot on the beach, like a real beautiful French kissing session that would make you horny.
00:52:10.000I don't need a fucking analogy for something I already understand.
00:52:14.000Nor does this entire class who's sitting here from 4 to 9 p.m.
00:52:19.000And he says, let me just, it's sort of like a snake.
00:52:22.000Snake goes through the chicken wire into the hen house and he eats a chick.
00:52:27.000This is all part of my WeThePeopleHolsters.com podcast reading.
00:52:33.000Uh, he eats a chick, and then he goes to get out again, and he can't get through the chicken wire because he's swollen in the middle of where the chick is.
00:52:41.000And I didn't want to say this, because I don't want to rock the boat, because I want to keep us rolling, but I felt like saying, mmm, that's not even close to what we're talking about.
00:52:50.000We're talking about a chick already in the snake, and then you taking another chick and forcing it up the snake's ass so hard that the chicks hit each other and explode.
00:53:03.000And then the snake has this big engorged midsection and it's dead.
00:53:39.000Please tune in to CRTV tonight, where I am fighting a man, an African American gentleman who knocks me out.
00:53:47.000While defending the whole concept of violence and hatred, I'll also have a Hispanic gentleman who's running for mayor in his tiny town, and he is anti-immigration.
00:53:59.000He's going to make the Hispanic immigrant argument against open borders.
00:54:04.000We also have Ashton Witte on the show, who is a conservative from Berkeley that's been totally ostracized by her entire family for daring to love Trump.
00:54:15.000And I think what we'll do is we'll do the show, and then I'll do this after-hours interview with her about her family ostracizing her, because I'm fascinated by it.
00:54:23.000Because, like, I understand being ostracized for being a heroin addict, or even a prostitute, but for liking the President of the United States, your dad doesn't love you anymore?