Farting in a car, in a taxi, in the shower, and in the dark. Also farting in the bathtub, in bed, and farting on the floor of your bathroom. Also, farting while you re sleeping. And farting when you re in your car with a driver who smells your farts. And farts while you're in a cab. And a fart in your bathroom with a taxi driver who stumbles upon your farting. And more farts in your bathtub. And some other things you should know about farting, but you probably don t want to know. This episode was written and produced by John Rocha. It was edited by Annie-Rose Strasser and edited by Patrick Muldowney. The opinions expressed in this episode are our own, not those of our companies, unless otherwise specified. We do not own the rights to any of the music used in this podcast. All credit given to artists and labels used in the episode goes to their respective record labels. If you like the music, please leave us a rating and review on Apple Podcasts. or wherever else you get your music, and we'll be sure to make sure to include it in the next episode of the podcast. Thank you for listening and reviewing the podcast in the future episodes. Logo by Courtney DeKorte. Music by Ian Dorsch. Artwork by Jeff Perla. This podcast was produced and produced in part 2nd half of this episode was done in collaboration with the excellent music by the excellent band, The Good Lady Project. . and the Bad Girl, Bad Girl and the Good Girl, Good Boy, Bad Boy, Good Girl and The Good Girl. Thanks to my good friend, and the wonderful people at Bad Girl Bad Boy. and Bad Girl by the Good Lady, Bad Bad Boy and the good people at the Bad Backyard, and The Bad Back Yard. by The Good Ol Ol Backyard. - Thank you so much for all the support they did for this podcast, and all the love and support they've done for this project. , and so much more. Thank you to them for all their support and support and all their hard work and all of their support, and their support throughout the process, they're amazing work, and thanks to them're hard work, they deserve it. -- Thank you, they really are amazing.
Transcript
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00:00:00.000I had farts last night that could have ruined my marriage.
00:00:07.000You have to understand, with marriage, it's not over as soon as she says, I do.
00:00:12.000You can't just become a fat pig and start farting and walking around nude, although I walk around nude, which the kids don't seem to appreciate very much.
00:01:30.000The old way it was in Scotland, and this was how my stomach developed over centuries, was you'd have a fire in your little cave hut, wood thatch thing, and anytime anyone found something edible, which was very rare in Scotland, it's just moors and rocks, maybe a rabbit, and maybe a goat, maybe some thistles, and nothing else.
00:01:56.000So, you'd find something edible and you'd just throw it in the pot.
00:01:58.000So that pot, that stew, would be going for your entire life.
00:02:03.000And so, the thing I don't get about that is, wasn't there like a piece of meat bubbling down there that was there for like three years?
00:02:11.000That was hard, maybe there was a ding in the pot and it was hard to get to with the ladle?
00:02:16.000Oh, I just ate a piece of beef from the early 80s.
00:02:20.000So what that developed was weak stomachs and then we come here to America where there's tons of Mexicans who can handle the most diarrhea-y water on earth and they have these iron stomachs and they like actually torturing themselves with spices and jalapenos and I kind of like it too because I'm an alcoholic and I'm used to poisoning myself with rotten corn called Maker's Mark or rotten rice called Budweiser.
00:03:40.000Like, it was so bad that it didn't occur to either of them that a human had made that smell.
00:03:48.000They assumed it was several million dollars of machinery and chemicals and mining and processes like melting plastic and oils and carcinogens that you need a gas mask to go near.
00:04:05.000They assumed that I had industrial waste in my ass.
00:04:10.000That's not the first time too I've confused people with my farts.
00:04:13.000I was about, uh, I think I was about 19 and I had just been to Europe on like a punk rock squatting tour, staying at squats and stuff for months and months.
00:04:25.000And I came back and I had to go tree planting up in Northern Canada the next day.
00:04:29.000And I hadn't seen my girlfriend who I lived with.
00:04:31.000We were very close, but she had to leave early.
00:04:49.000And my mom's friend, who was living in London, I stayed at her house the last night on my way back, showered, and finally got to eat food and stuff.
00:07:21.000I'm sitting on the London train and I'm bobbing back and forth and I'm realizing it's not like, you know, international flights, especially back then in the 89, it's not like they went, oh, don't worry about it, dude.
00:07:32.000We'll get you in the one in 10 minutes.
00:07:33.000I knew it was going to have to be a 24 hour stay and I was missing and I'm not going to see my girlfriend.
00:08:53.000And then the rat meat, it rots, right?
00:08:56.000So what you're smelling is a decomposing rat.
00:09:01.000And she's like, oh my god, that's disgusting.
00:09:04.000And they're both, yeah, no, it's horrible.
00:09:06.000And I'm like, no, that decomposing rat is my bowels.
00:09:11.000You're smelling my... I feel like my wife could sue me.
00:09:14.000I mean, say you married someone, and they seemed nice, and then you found out that they were, you know, the head of the American Nazi Party, or they were a pedophile, or they put kittens in microwaves to get off.
00:09:26.000Couldn't you have a case where you go, this was fraud?
00:11:17.000That's unusual, but I think I might have some from camping days.
00:11:20.000So they find him a yellow raincoat with a little yellow rain hat, you know, the little hat with the part on the back that makes the rain not go down your neck.
00:11:29.000And he heads out on his merry way with his little rain suit.
00:11:32.000And he notices that like Bruce Willis in Die Hard, when he has to wear a billboard that says the N word on it or something, uh, people are like coming out of bars and staring at him and they're punching their fists.
00:11:49.000And he's sort of looking behind him for the dead baby on his back, or he doesn't understand why everyone is sneering at him.
00:11:58.000And he eventually realizes, oh, it's my rain gear.
00:12:02.000You see in Glasgow, wearing a raincoat or a rain hat or an umbrella, despite the fact that it pours every single day, or maybe because it pours every single day is the worst thing you could do.
00:12:14.000Literally worse than a Klansman uniform.
00:12:15.000If you wore a Klansman uniform in Glasgow, people would think you're funny and go, you got some balls, mate.
00:13:48.000So I always do a Scottish accent there, just to grease the wheels.
00:13:52.000And I go, uh, and I get surrounded by 12-year-olds, 13-year-olds, like, honestly, about 15 of them, like a little roaming pack of pickpocketers, a bunch of miscreants, a bunch of ne'er-do-well orphans, newsies, if you will.
00:14:39.000And I go, if you said £12.99, I'd say no.
00:14:44.000Because I'm a cheap ass, I guess, is the answer to the question.
00:14:46.000And Scottish people are cheap too, so we're not fun to negotiate.
00:14:49.000I had a Hasidic Jew as a landlord once and he reckoned himself a tightwad and we went toe to toe and he was stunned at what an incredible cheapskate I am and how I was willing to go to court for $3.
00:15:03.000I remember him making an audible gasp as I sat there for another four hours of my time, which is worth, you know, a good 400 bucks to argue about $3.
00:15:13.000I ended up in a fight with him once where I ripped his windshield wipers off his car because he wouldn't return my security deposit after I discovered that his building was falling apart.
00:15:23.000I was on the street screaming, I want my money, gold!
00:16:36.000But anyway, sorry, all that adrenaline and about to be murdered by a gang of children got my heart pounding.
00:16:42.000And as I'm walking into the clubs, surrounded by Nazi skinheads and kids who almost killed me, and I got the old bowels a-churning, and I had a fart in the crowd.
00:16:53.000Now, usually that begets a conversation about industrial production or dead rats in subways, but not in Glasgow.
00:17:30.000But they're considered punk despite being having a lot of pop hits and There was this big fat guy in front of me in the lineup not uncommon in Glasgow now that they have fried chicken not uncommon in Britain now that they have fried chicken and I
00:17:48.000They obviously can't give you anything glass or it'll end up in someone's eye socket.
00:17:53.000So they give us these plastic cups, but the plastic cups aren't the good quality red solo cup.
00:17:57.000They're these flimsy, almost like a condom where you just touch it and it, it bends in your hand.
00:18:04.000So if it almost like when you go to pick it up, you, you have to, it's like a sock that plastic is so thin and you touch it and it spills over the edges.
00:18:12.000You have to be very delicate, sort of hold it at the rim and drink it like a wine glass.
00:19:01.000Then he dips his fingers down onto the rims.
00:19:05.000Like imagine if a goose was to pick it up with his beak, he pinches both things down and then
00:19:12.000He takes a third finger and he separates them, so he now has three, using three fingers pinching down, and one, and he walks away, and then he chugs his third, and then he keeps watching, walking, he chugs his fourth, and now he has one in each hand.
00:19:27.000And I keep an eye on him, because by the time I'm done my order, which by the way, call me a pussy, but it was only one pint for me, one pint for my wife, by the time he's done his order, he's, I'm done my order, sorry, he's already walked away, and he's sort of strutting now, big fat Glaswegian pig,
00:19:42.000And he said, I don't know why this sticks with me and I've never forgotten it.
00:19:45.000He finishes the last one, squeezes it, crumples it, throws it away, and he goes, SEX PISTOLS!
00:21:03.000You just hold it down and you think the fart particles will just be absorbed and eventually it'll just die of its own suffocation around my butt in the duvet.
00:21:15.000But if she ever is like, and sort of moves, that opens up the gas chambers.
00:23:54.000One time he was in Egypt, which is all just diarrhea.
00:23:57.000By the way, if you go anywhere in the world, Central America, anywhere, bring a flask, procure whiskey, and every time you sip anything that's not alcoholic, I don't care if it's fucking milk, have a tiny swig
00:25:09.000He had spent the past nine hours in the toilet taking cat naps by leaning his forehead on the toilet paper roll and had just had explosive diarrhea from when he said, I'll be right back to the next day at breakfast.
00:25:27.000That's the Scottish stomach in a nutshell.
00:25:33.000I know you think we're going to end on that, but we're not.
00:25:36.000Yeah, so you need to keep farts away from your wife.
00:25:40.000Like, every time you destroy the bathroom and then your wife walks in there and smells it, that's like her just 0.00001% less attracted to you.
00:26:45.000They're 80 bucks, it connects to your tank, and what it does is it blasts freezing cold water on your butthole.
00:26:52.000Which, I cannot recommend enough if you're an alcoholic, because, you know, you're- you're pooing out bile and- and that fluorescent yellow stuff, I don't even know what that is.
00:27:02.000But it burns your anal lips as it comes out, and the next thing you know, your whole anus is distended like an elephant's trunk, just hanging out of your body like you're some sort of 42-year-old porn star.
00:27:13.000And the freezing cold water, you can control the jet, too.
00:27:16.000It can just be a little sprinkle, or it can be a fire hose.
00:27:19.000Sometimes, if you relax enough, it can go right up in there, clean out everything.
00:27:24.000Bring out some lettuce from the 1940s.
00:27:26.000Sometimes if you really relax, you get to the baby yawning level, you can blast water up in there.
00:27:31.000You look down the bowl and it looks like Jaws' stomach.
00:27:34.000There's a license plate down there, a report card from kindergarten, some two pygmy shrews fighting over a beet.
00:27:45.000Red hair, some gingers, barbershop floor stuff.
00:27:48.000You don't even know what's going on there.
00:27:49.000A twist tie, a security guard arguing with his friend, a binder full of women.
00:27:57.000But the problem is sometimes the jet will refract.
00:27:59.000It'll bounce off the anus and shoot out the gap between the lid, the seat, and the actual lid.
00:28:06.000And that's like, that's gross water that, you know, could hit your sock.
00:29:08.000And never tell her, I've said this a million times, but never show her your weaknesses.
00:29:13.000Never say, I was so scared on that flight with the turbulence!
00:29:17.000You can be scared with turbulence, that's perfectly natural, but while she's freaking out and squeezing your hands so hard it feels like she's gonna break your knuckles, you say to her, honey, calm down.
00:29:29.000It's just, hold in your farts, by the way.
00:30:58.000And then I thought, yeah, you're right, dude.
00:31:03.000There's no reason to tell your significant other when you were vulnerable and clownish.
00:31:11.000And here's an analogy I extrapolated from that true story, and I follow religiously.
00:31:17.000Say you're running down the street with a chocolate cake, and you trip, and your face goes in the cake, and you look fucking ridiculous, and you have to go get a new cake.
00:31:45.000He's got a great video, we showed it on the show, where he goes up to these guys, he doesn't realize he has a hot mic, and he's like, I shit my pants last night.
00:31:53.000We went to the Bellagio, had these crab cakes, and I'm coming home, I got an early tea the next morning, and I'm just pinching my ass.
00:32:02.000And I wait, and I wait, I let two lights go by at the traffic, and then I just, I think it's time to go, I take one step, just fucking water.
00:32:49.000You know, if someone comes up to you at a restaurant and messes with you and you punch him in the face, your wife doesn't go, why are you so violent?
00:33:43.000I remember a stand-up comedian, I can't remember what his name is, but he said, uh, he said, I always get uncomfortable when I see people on first dates because I'm just staring at two people holding in their farts.
00:33:55.000And that's kind of one of the good things too about, um, about, you know, men's clubs and being alone with the guys or being alone at all.
00:34:03.000When you're just sitting alone, you have an unbelievable fart.
00:35:30.000Now, these holsters are molded to your body.
00:35:33.000Even after they're molded to the gun and your body, you can adjust the cant and the ride, which, as a person who doesn't have a concealed carry, I can only stare at with envy.
00:35:42.000I hear it makes it much more comfortable to carry around.
00:36:32.000Their quote that they told me to say, which I think inspires really not just the quality of the holster, but the kind of people that run this place.
00:36:44.000Fellas, you have to conceal your carry with WeThePeopleHolsters.com.
00:36:49.000They are customized in style and fit, including being able to adjust cant and ride.
00:36:53.000Believe me, it makes for a tight so fit, you'll leave your wife.
00:36:59.000And I think my wife will leave me if I don't get this farting under control.
00:37:08.000The question is, not should you fart around your wife, the question is, is it ever possible to fart around your wife?
00:37:16.000And I would say the answer to that is yes.
00:37:20.000If she went to bed super early, like say 9.30, 10,
00:37:25.000And you went to bed pretty late for a dad with three kids, so let's say one.
00:40:26.000But he basically pointed out that Islam has a serious problem with extremist terrorism, which is a fact.
00:40:32.000He also got in trouble for posting on Facebook a picture of a tranny near a bathroom.
00:40:38.000It looked like him in a wig, and it said, if you don't want this person to use the same bathroom as your little kid, your daughter, you're a bigot.
00:41:19.000He's an awesome guy, very conservative dude, right wing.
00:41:22.000His tattoo on his forearm is of Jesus being crucified, and Jesus' hand has the puncture, his wrist has the puncture right where Kurt's wrist is.
00:42:12.000I'm definitely going to have him back on the show.
00:42:14.000I have Stephanie Hamill from Daily Caller.
00:42:16.000She's like a Latina conservative who is always getting in trouble from her fellow Latinos for supporting Trump and going to these immigration rallies and saying,
00:42:32.000And then the Washington Examiner's Eddie Scarry, who is related to Richard Scarry.
00:42:38.000And he is, uh, he's a funny dude, gay dude, who, um, strongly supports the right and family values and is also very hilarious and won't tell me what race he is because he's ethnically ambiguous.
00:42:53.000Though I think it's got to be kind of a, one of those Hispanics look almost Asian and it throws you off.
00:43:13.000The CRTV Tonight is a July 4th ep with a monologue about George Washington and beer that we'll probably put on YouTube, but the last episode of Get Off My Lawn, Tuesday's episode,
00:43:23.000Which is a couple days ago, is also July 4th based, Independence Day, Independence Weekend based, and I think you'll enjoy it.
00:43:31.000I like you more than a friend, and I'll see you on Monday.