Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - July 11, 2018


Get Off My Lawn Podcast #65 | It's fun to talk to kids about barf.


Episode Stats

Length

35 minutes

Words per Minute

176.76512

Word Count

6,284

Sentence Count

502

Misogynist Sentences

24

Hate Speech Sentences

15


Summary

This week, the boys take a look at the perils of being a kid in the 80s and 90s. They talk about what it's like growing up in a house full of kids who have no concept of gross bodily functions and how to deal with it. Plus, a story about a guy who grew a rat tail on the top of his head and it's a good thing he doesn't have a helicopter on his head. And, of course, Dave talks about LSD and how it changed his life. Logo by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. The 500 is a production of Native Creative Podcasts. All rights reserved. Used by permission. This episode was produced and edited by Riley Bray. We do not own the rights to either of these songs or any of their music used in this episode. If you enjoyed this episode please leave us a review on Apple Podcasts or wherever else you get your music. Please be kind enough to leave us your rating and review. It helps us to keep spreading the word about this podcast. Thank you so much to our sponsorships, and we'll be looking out for you in the future episodes of next week's episode of NextDoor Records. Next Door Records. Thank you! Thanks for listening and supporting the podcast. Please remember to send us your thoughts, reviews and reviews. on Anchor.fm and reviews on the podcast next week. We'll be listening out to the next episode of the podcast and the next week! Love ya'll. - Dave's next episode will be out soon. . on Monday, July 19th, July 20th, 6/27, 7/28, 8/29/19, 8th/29th, 7th/8th, 9/9th, and 8/9/19th, 7/8/10th, etc. Thanks, Dave's birthday day. x xo, Dave, XO. XOXO, xO, xO and XO, P. , & XO , and XC, etc., , etc., etc., & , & etc. , etc. xO , etc, etc., Thank you, Dave - P. , etc, & etc, and


Transcript

00:00:01.000 It's fun to talk to kids about barf.
00:00:04.000 They're very clinical about it.
00:00:06.000 Also, they call it boff.
00:00:08.000 Hey, Johnny, remember that time that you boffed and it came out your nose?
00:00:13.000 And he goes, yeah, well, it's hard for me to remember because it's been a long time since I boffed.
00:00:19.000 But, uh, Johnny, you remember that feeling right before you boff?
00:00:22.000 How bad you feel?
00:00:23.000 He goes, yeah, that's the worst.
00:00:25.000 That's the worst feeling ever.
00:00:31.000 Before they have shame or any concept of gross bodily functions, they'll want to talk to you while they poo.
00:00:40.000 And they'll be on the toilet going, hey dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, can Sam come over tomorrow?
00:00:48.000 Because we're going to jump on the plampoline and he likes coming over here when we...
00:00:58.000 And then they want privacy.
00:00:59.000 Privacy happens around three or four.
00:01:02.000 No.
00:01:03.000 Yeah, around four.
00:01:04.000 Yeah, no, I'm right.
00:01:05.000 Three or four.
00:01:06.000 They start saying, get out of the bathroom.
00:01:08.000 The other day, my littlest, my five-year-old Johnny, he's going, why is everyone always in my bathroom?
00:01:15.000 You don't have a bathroom, dude.
00:01:17.000 You're five.
00:01:18.000 I don't have a bathroom.
00:01:19.000 I'm 47.
00:01:20.000 I'm going to be 48 on July 19th.
00:01:25.000 I'm gonna be a big boy.
00:01:26.000 Yeah, I had some Thai curry.
00:01:30.000 Sorry to make this another one about bodily functions but I had some Thai curry on Saturday night and
00:01:38.000 Sometime it was like it had bamboo shoots eggplant beef and there's another name for it I'm probably getting the name wrong But I called it beef curry when I called them to complain the next day and I said look I'm Canadian and we're not litigious.
00:01:51.000 I'm not gonna sabotage your your Store your your restaurant with a yelp bad yelp review because I'm not positive it was you I did have a sip of bourbon and maybe my body was saying stop drinking this crap but uh
00:02:06.000 I was eating their meal on Saturday night.
00:02:09.000 You gotta turn that down, dude.
00:02:12.000 Dave, I can hear it.
00:02:16.000 I was eating it, and I honestly believe, I think we underestimate our bodies, and I think a great way to sort of maximize all your instincts and really understand your body and the things your brain's telling you is to do acid.
00:02:31.000 To drop LSD.
00:02:51.000 If I have the hiccups at this age, and I haven't obviously done it in decades, I just go, I don't want these anymore.
00:02:59.000 And I really think about it and the hiccups go away.
00:03:02.000 You have a better mind.
00:03:03.000 You become an X-Man basically.
00:03:06.000 Now I do know some people that took it a few too many times and they're not right.
00:03:13.000 One of the worst times was, um, I go over to my friend Rupert Bottenbergs.
00:03:13.000 Oh my God.
00:03:18.000 He's a cartoonist in Montreal.
00:03:21.000 And I go over there, and I've always been a dick, and this guy is growing, you know like a rat tail?
00:03:27.000 So you have a rat tail, and then you'll grow it so long that you'll put some maybe some beads in the bottom.
00:03:33.000 That was popular in the 80s.
00:03:36.000 Now this is the 90s, and this guy has decided to take like a quarter-sized piece of hair on the very tippy top of his head and grow that out.
00:03:47.000 So he has a rat tail, but it's on the tip of his head.
00:03:50.000 And then the rest of his hair is cut normal, right?
00:03:52.000 And then he's braided that and put some beads at the end.
00:03:57.000 So he has a skinny little rat tail sticking out of the top of his head, like alfalfa from The Little Rascals, but limp and with beads on the end.
00:04:06.000 And I come over and he's acting weird and everyone seems uncomfortable and kind of smiley around him, like, hey man, how's it going, buddy?
00:04:13.000 Hey!
00:04:14.000 The way you would be around, say, a burn victim.
00:04:17.000 And he goes, hi.
00:04:20.000 And I go, hey.
00:04:21.000 And he goes, check this out.
00:04:23.000 And then he starts rotating his neck in circles, and that makes the beaded rat tail do a helicopter thing.
00:04:29.000 So now he has a helicopter on the top of his head.
00:04:33.000 And I go, dude, what the fuck?
00:04:37.000 I said, are you on acid?
00:04:39.000 And then everyone looks at me really weird and I go, okay, that was awkward.
00:04:44.000 I'm going to go pee.
00:04:46.000 So I go pee and that's outside of the living room.
00:04:49.000 And this was, uh, uh, there were stairs outside.
00:04:53.000 I'm realizing now like I had a huge apartment.
00:04:55.000 He had a living room.
00:04:56.000 Then you go outside of the hallway to go pee.
00:04:58.000 And then there's stairs.
00:04:59.000 You had a, Rupert, you had two floors when we were 22 years old.
00:05:04.000 Damn.
00:05:07.000 So maybe that just led to the roof, which is still pretty awesome.
00:05:10.000 Rent was cheap in Montreal.
00:05:11.000 I was living with a bunch of lesbians, like five lesbians.
00:05:14.000 You know what my rent was?
00:05:15.000 A hundred bucks a month.
00:05:19.000 It would be rent day and you'd go, oh, it's rent day?
00:05:21.000 Oh, okay.
00:05:21.000 You go to the ATM, just take out a hundred bucks.
00:05:23.000 There you go.
00:05:24.000 Sorry, I didn't know it was rent day.
00:05:25.000 It was a minor inconvenience once a month.
00:05:28.000 Anyway, I go to go pee and there's a mom sitting on the stairs and she looks real sad.
00:05:36.000 And I found out later that this dude had dropped acid, probably 10 hits or something.
00:05:44.000 Every time you see these guys that it really affects them permanently, they've done more than a hit.
00:05:49.000 So this guy did acid and he'd been on it for a year.
00:05:54.000 And she was bringing him over there to his old friends, hoping that might spark something and make him normal again.
00:06:01.000 Now, I didn't check in with that guy, and I've heard that people can be permanently high on LSD, but I think if you take ten hits, you're just really fucked up for maybe two years.
00:06:14.000 I'm basing that on nothing.
00:06:16.000 But I don't think it's ever totally and utterly permanent.
00:06:19.000 I did meet another guy.
00:06:22.000 Also in Canada, who did ten hits.
00:06:25.000 He did a whole sheet, he said, and he was on it for a year.
00:06:29.000 A year.
00:06:30.000 A year.
00:06:31.000 A year.
00:06:32.000 Now Acid, if you're not familiar with it, nothing is real.
00:06:36.000 You're in outer space.
00:06:37.000 The walls all breathe.
00:06:39.000 Like the base hallucination is that the walls are breathing, and that's perfectly normal.
00:06:39.000 That's a given.
00:06:45.000 But you'll be on the
00:06:46.000 You'll be on the, uh... You'll be on the train, and everyone on the train will just be a banana.
00:06:54.000 So, that's freaky, and you laugh your head off, and you can't believe how crazy it is.
00:06:59.000 But, um... After a year, you must just go, I'm getting on the banana bus.
00:07:05.000 And you just talk to bananas, and the walls are breathing, and you go about your day.
00:07:08.000 He, and he couldn't really sleep.
00:07:10.000 So he would sleep maybe three or four hours at a time.
00:07:13.000 He had a mattress on a floor, uh, in his apartment.
00:07:16.000 I guess he had no furniture, and he would try to eat.
00:07:18.000 You can't eat much, so he lost tons of weight.
00:07:21.000 Oh, that's what I'm basing it on.
00:07:22.000 I interviewed that guy for Voice of Montreal, and he was fine, but he had been on acid for a year.
00:07:30.000 So yeah, I'm basing it on one piece of anecdotal evidence, and I think that you can survive a horrible acid overdose.
00:07:39.000 But don't do it too many times.
00:07:41.000 I used to work at this cafe called the EFAC Cafe when I was 18.
00:07:44.000 It was like a punk cafe.
00:07:46.000 EFAC is cafe backwards.
00:07:48.000 And, uh, I would talk to the people there, because we obviously attracted a bunch of loonies, because it was like a punk anarchist cafe.
00:07:55.000 So, there'd be, like, these slightly unusual people on a Friday night.
00:08:00.000 It was a house that had been converted into a cafe.
00:08:03.000 But, you know, Monday at 11 a.m., normal people are at work.
00:08:07.000 So if you have a funky cafe, it's going to be lunatics.
00:08:12.000 And there was this one guy... There were these two lesbians that I was friends with.
00:08:15.000 A lot of lesbians in my youth.
00:08:17.000 Uh, and they were, uh, anarchist, lesbian, separatist.
00:08:22.000 Separatist means, I wanna, uh, a world without men.
00:08:25.000 And we'll figure out how to make babies.
00:08:27.000 I don't know how we'll do that, but we'll figure it out.
00:08:29.000 Sort of like MGTOW, men go their own way.
00:08:31.000 It's a lesbian equivalent.
00:08:33.000 Anyway, they were pretty funny, these girls.
00:08:34.000 They were French-Canadian.
00:08:36.000 And they would make fun of this guy.
00:08:37.000 They'd go, uh, hey George, what do you got there?
00:08:39.000 You got some labia?
00:08:41.000 You stroking the labia, George?
00:08:43.000 And what he had was a little handheld Bible that he would carry, and he would touch the pages.
00:08:48.000 I don't think so.
00:09:01.000 It had almost turned to wood.
00:09:03.000 Like he'd almost converted the paper with the grease from his fingers and everything.
00:09:07.000 He'd almost converted the paper back to wood.
00:09:08.000 I don't think you could open that Bible anymore.
00:09:11.000 He had made it into like a wood shape with his finger grease 10 billion times back and forth over it.
00:09:17.000 And it did kind of look like labia.
00:09:19.000 It was a good joke.
00:09:21.000 But I would talk to some of these crazy dudes, because, you know, it wasn't busy on a Monday at 11am, and inevitably they'd say, oh yeah, we used to do acid in the 60s.
00:09:30.000 It was big then.
00:09:31.000 It was like a Lifesaver tablet, and you'd just suck on it till it was gone.
00:09:38.000 Pardonnez-moi?
00:09:41.000 The acid we would do would be a little piece of paper that is so small, like maybe a baby's pinky toenail.
00:09:51.000 That's about how big the piece of paper was.
00:09:53.000 And we'd often take Swiss Army scissors and cut that in half, because even that was too long.
00:09:58.000 Like, I only want the chip to be six hours.
00:10:00.000 So we would just do half a baby's toenail.
00:10:03.000 Um, a lifesaver?
00:10:06.000 That is honestly the equivalent of from what we would do is I would say a thousand hits.
00:10:15.000 So no wonder you're permanently brain-damaged.
00:10:18.000 You broke your synapses, dude.
00:10:20.000 You're ruined.
00:10:20.000 I think LSD was developed for military guys.
00:10:23.000 In Vietnam, I think it was.
00:10:25.000 Vietnam had a lot of good inventions.
00:10:27.000 Crazy Glue, we got from trying to seal guys' wounds out in the battlefield.
00:10:31.000 LSD.
00:10:32.000 I remember one time at E-Fat Café, the skinheads, the Nazi skinheads, who were incredibly effective at terrorism in our little town of Ottawa, Canada.
00:10:43.000 They come screeching in the front.
00:10:45.000 They come soaring through.
00:10:46.000 Aiden Girt, who's now the drummer of Godspeed, You Black Emperor, is standing there.
00:10:51.000 He barely gets to say, uh-oh, as a baseball bat just nails him in the head.
00:10:57.000 And ladies, Antifa girls at these rallies with your baseball bats, you gotta know, hitting someone in the head with a baseball bat's a big deal.
00:11:06.000 There was a cop here in New York who got in trouble for it, for shooting an old lady with a baseball bat.
00:11:12.000 And I knew cops involved in the trial and they said they had to bring in experts to the trial to say, hey jury, you can die from a baseball bat.
00:11:21.000 And in police training, one of the cardboard cutouts they shoot at is a person with a baseball bat.
00:11:29.000 It's a big deal.
00:11:30.000 Your skull is not a motorcycle helmet.
00:11:33.000 So if you want to bring baseball bats to rallies, okay.
00:11:37.000 But you're now in Mongol territory.
00:11:39.000 You're now a biker.
00:11:41.000 You're a major deal in a biker gang and you get people murdered.
00:11:45.000 I'm not saying don't do that.
00:11:47.000 Well, yes, I am.
00:11:48.000 But just so you know, that's what you're up against.
00:11:52.000 It's like my kids now, they're doing that thing, you know you look down, you see the OK sign, you get to punch the dude?
00:11:57.000 And so they, they do pinches, I guess they learned this in school.
00:12:00.000 And they go, alright, so we're doing the thing where when you look down, I punch you?
00:12:05.000 Cause I'm gonna nail you, I'm gonna break your arm in half when I punch you.
00:12:09.000 It's like these kids don't understand, they go, what if I dare you to eat a spider?
00:12:12.000 Okay, I'll eat the spider, but now you're in my dare biker gang.
00:12:16.000 And I can dare you to eat a caterpillar.
00:12:19.000 You want to do this?
00:12:20.000 You want to start this?
00:12:21.000 You want to get into the baseball bat territory?
00:12:22.000 It's a big deal.
00:12:24.000 People die.
00:12:25.000 Anyway, nails Aiden Gurt in the head.
00:12:27.000 I've only met Aiden Gurt like a couple, a few times, you know, years after that, and he didn't seem right in the head to me.
00:12:35.000 I think he tried to rob a pharmacy once.
00:12:37.000 I think so.
00:12:54.000 Uh, they smash, and then they go through the house, smashing everyone with baseball bats.
00:12:59.000 Girls running up the stairs.
00:13:01.000 Whack!
00:13:01.000 Whack!
00:13:02.000 Like a baseball bat.
00:13:03.000 You could have broken her spine.
00:13:04.000 Whacking people in the head.
00:13:06.000 Then they, they do it, they go through the whole EFAT Cafe, the whole house, and then they run out the back, and the cars had gone around the block, and is waiting for them, and woof!
00:13:14.000 They're off.
00:13:15.000 What are you gonna do now?
00:13:16.000 Call the cops?
00:13:17.000 Which we never did back then, by the way.
00:13:19.000 There's nothing you can do.
00:13:22.000 Dave, I would just go to Getty and just get a ton of footage of ranchers.
00:13:27.000 We've got a great show tonight, Wednesday night.
00:13:31.000 Get Off My Lawn is all about the Hammond ranching family who was just pardoned by Trump.
00:13:37.000 And the Bundys and all these ranchers who get abused by the government and how city people just don't seem to give a shit.
00:13:44.000 It really disturbs me because these guys, you know, Antifa and all these people talk about anarchist revolutionaries.
00:13:49.000 These guys are going up against the government.
00:13:52.000 The Bundys fought Obama and won.
00:13:54.000 The Hammonds fought Obama and lost, and Trump just pardoned them.
00:13:58.000 It's exciting.
00:14:02.000 Anyway, EFAC was a hell of a place.
00:14:04.000 I remember the owner...
00:14:06.000 A Jewish guy.
00:14:07.000 Middle class dude.
00:14:08.000 We were talking once.
00:14:10.000 We got along quite well.
00:14:11.000 He told me that he had had an affair with his sister.
00:14:18.000 He told me that they would go to movies and she would blow him.
00:14:23.000 And I said, I was like 18 at the time and I was obviously confused as I am today.
00:14:29.000 And, uh, I'll never forget it.
00:14:32.000 I said something like, uh, I don't understand why would she, why?
00:14:36.000 And he goes, cause she loved me.
00:14:38.000 She was in love with me.
00:14:40.000 And he was kind of smirking about it.
00:14:42.000 God, I wonder where he is today.
00:14:44.000 What a weirdo.
00:14:46.000 Anyway,
00:14:48.000 So yeah, acid can be dangerous if you overdo it.
00:14:50.000 But if you do it the right amount, it's a gift.
00:14:52.000 And there's a great book about this called Free Radicals.
00:14:56.000 And it is scientists discussing how LSD helped them.
00:15:01.000 And Steve Jobs is in it.
00:15:03.000 He credits a lot of Apple's success with hallucinogenic drugs.
00:15:08.000 John What's-His-Name, the godfather of DNA, the man who first figured out how to sequence the genome, he's in it, talking about how LSD helped his life and helped expand his mind.
00:15:21.000 It's a helpful tool.
00:15:22.000 Now, do I want my kids to do it?
00:15:23.000 No!
00:15:24.000 But I'm not rational when it comes to my children.
00:15:27.000 That's what I hate about the left with all this, what about if your daughter blah blah blah?
00:15:31.000 Dude, you want me to make policy based on my daughter?
00:15:34.000 First of all, I want her name out of your mouth.
00:15:36.000 I want that term out of your mouth, daughter.
00:15:39.000 But secondly, for the record, if I come up with policy based on my daughter, all young men have to wear chastity belts all day, and to speak to a woman anywhere in New York State, they have to get written permission from me first.
00:15:57.000 See?
00:15:57.000 Not rational.
00:15:58.000 And that's what the left is trying to do when they say, what about your daughter?
00:16:01.000 They're trying to make you irrational.
00:16:04.000 You know you're irrational if you have to make the person you're arguing with irrational so they can agree with you.
00:16:11.000 Ooh, that was profound.
00:16:12.000 Sometimes when I'm doing an interview, I'll say a line like that, and I'll go, ooh, you should make that the ending.
00:16:16.000 That's a good one.
00:16:18.000 So, my acid brain survived EFAC, and I'm eating this beef curry.
00:16:26.000 Yeah, we're good to go.
00:16:40.000 Part of my brain, and I honestly believe this, I think your brain knows the second you're eating something rotten.
00:16:45.000 It doesn't necessarily stink.
00:16:47.000 Obviously, if you drink rotten milk and you feel the curds going down your throat, yes, that's bad.
00:16:52.000 But I think even something that tastes perfectly normal, fish that's perfectly reasonable, it goes in your mouth, those crab cakes, and part of your brain just sends a thing going, ah, stop.
00:17:03.000 I got a bad feeling about this.
00:17:06.000 So I ignored my body, I ignored my advanced LSD brain, and I ingested the eggplant.
00:17:12.000 And then it begins.
00:17:14.000 And it's funny when you're basically on your way to hell.
00:17:19.000 You're walking to hell.
00:17:20.000 It must be like being sentenced to death row.
00:17:24.000 You know what's happening.
00:17:25.000 And your lawyer goes, yeah, we still have hope for an appeal.
00:17:28.000 And you're sort of sitting there calling your lawyer in your brain going, I don't think I have food poisoning.
00:17:34.000 It's gonna be okay.
00:17:35.000 I just feel a little funny.
00:17:35.000 I, you know, maybe got a little too much sun today.
00:17:37.000 And your lawyer is like, yeah, probably too much sun.
00:17:40.000 And then you say to your lawyer,
00:17:42.000 What about the eggplant clause?
00:17:45.000 Most people who eat rotten eggplants, they puke their guts out all night.
00:17:48.000 And your lawyer goes, yes, yeah, that does happen.
00:17:52.000 But this could be a different case.
00:17:54.000 You know, times are changing and food is much better prepared.
00:18:00.000 You're going to be OK.
00:18:02.000 And then my wife goes, we're gonna go on a family bike ride, you wanna come?
00:18:05.000 And my lawyer goes, uh, I would devise against that.
00:18:08.000 And I think, why doesn't my lawyer want me to go on a bike ride?
00:18:13.000 Oh, maybe because I definitely have fucking food poisoning.
00:18:18.000 And then you just know it's coming.
00:18:23.000 I'm not a fan of Lena Dunham, but I kind of have an obsession with following her on Instagram and stuff.
00:18:27.000 I just saw an Instagram where she goes, here's me at 138 pounds.
00:18:31.000 My life was hell and all I ate was caffeine.
00:18:33.000 Here's me at 168, where I'm happy and fulfilled.
00:18:35.000 And when people give me compliments, it's because I really deserve them.
00:18:38.000 And I think.
00:18:39.000 Yeah, but Lena, you're unhealthy at 168 pounds.
00:18:43.000 You're like, what, 5'5"?
00:18:45.000 What does your doctor say?
00:18:47.000 It's not about how groovy you feel.
00:18:50.000 You know, you might feel groovy lying in bed all day and masturbating.
00:18:53.000 That doesn't mean it's healthy.
00:18:56.000 Especially with obesity.
00:18:57.000 You're gonna die, lady.
00:18:58.000 Anyway...
00:19:00.000 She's someone's asking what's the worst thing in the world and she was that feeling right before you bath and that's what I had coming and you know you started yeah you're staving it off and you're trying to convince yourself it's gonna be okay but it's just sort of like the tide it's coming and
00:19:18.000 Tricking yourself helps a little bit.
00:19:20.000 I find, you know, we have these iPhones now and you're staring at memes.
00:19:24.000 You go into the search and Instagram and just look at like drunk people doing things and skateboard accidents and weird fish that have been caught and girls butts and you're like, okay, let me not think about it.
00:19:35.000 Let me not think about it.
00:19:36.000 Let me not think about it.
00:19:37.000 But then it approaches.
00:19:39.000 By the way, a little side note.
00:19:41.000 I'm getting concerned that toys are dead.
00:19:45.000 I was walking by my kids' little chest of drawers this morning, not where they keep their clothes, but where they used to keep their toys, and I remembered with my daughter, she had like their dinosaur stuff, and her doll stuff, and her little mon chichi's, these little, like, little animals that lived in a dollhouse, and they had their little car and stuff.
00:20:02.000 She had tons of toys.
00:20:04.000 And then my son, he had the Hulk and he had Marvel and stuff like that, and soldiers and dinosaurs too, and some of her stuff, but he had less toys.
00:20:13.000 And then Johnny, my newest kid, he had this pirate thing that he really liked, and he had a Spider-Man sort of headquarters hand-me-down he got from my other boy, that he played with a fair amount.
00:20:27.000 But each time it's been about half, and with each kid obviously the screens have doubled.
00:20:33.000 And now, if I hear silence in the house, I run upstairs and there's no dinosaurs.
00:20:41.000 There's no hulks.
00:20:44.000 It's a screen.
00:20:46.000 Now, I wouldn't be surprised if in 10 years, kids don't really have toys.
00:20:52.000 Didn't Toys R Us just declare bankruptcy?
00:20:55.000 That's a scary thought, isn't it?
00:20:58.000 You know, I was talking to a buddy of mine and he goes, yo, he's from the Bronx, yo, what's with the, you will not shut up about screens.
00:21:06.000 Cause his daughter looks at a screen when our kids, our sons play baseball together and he has to bring his daughter and his daughter will just be on a tablet or whatever.
00:21:14.000 And I go, that's not good, dude.
00:21:16.000 And he goes, dude, you gotta, you can't fight it.
00:21:19.000 Stop fighting it.
00:21:20.000 This is it.
00:21:20.000 You're living in a different time.
00:21:22.000 It's a screen time now.
00:21:24.000 And you can pretend it's not going to happen to your kids but your kids are going to be on screens all the time.
00:21:30.000 Sometimes I think he's right.
00:21:32.000 Same with the word like.
00:21:33.000 I keep fighting it and I have a big sign on my back door as you walk in on the right it says you are entering a quote-unquote like free zone where we don't say like in this house and I try to discipline my kids but then I hear you know
00:21:47.000 All my kids' friends and all my kids' friends' parents saying like all the time.
00:21:52.000 And I start to think, am I fighting a Sisyphean battle here?
00:21:57.000 Is there no future in the war on like and screens?
00:22:01.000 Should I just accept it?
00:22:03.000 That doesn't seem right.
00:22:04.000 No, I'm going to keep fighting.
00:22:06.000 Don't tread on me.
00:22:08.000 Don't tread on my toys.
00:22:09.000 Don't stand on my Legos.
00:22:10.000 I'll hurt you.
00:22:12.000 Anyway, so, you're staring at your screen, you're looking at memes, and, uh, it's coming, it's coming, and then... you can't kid yourself anymore.
00:22:24.000 And you just go to the bathroom, and it feels like, you know those Play-Doh toys?
00:22:29.000 When you're a kid, where you, I don't know, you turn a crank or something, and then the Play-Doh comes out of the little dots on that guy's head, and then he has a big head of hair, and then you can cut his hair?
00:22:37.000 What a strange toy that was.
00:22:38.000 I love cutting hair!
00:22:41.000 I wish my toys grew hair so I could cut it and give them hairdos, said no kid ever.
00:22:46.000 But anyway, it just sort of comes from low and then it's just like, and the barf doesn't care whether it's your throat or your nose, it's coming out of everything.
00:22:56.000 And this wasn't like a nice splash.
00:22:58.000 This was like thick, and it was coming out of my nose and chunks of my mouth.
00:23:02.000 I just felt like someone had their hand on the other side of my stomach and was just pushing stuff out of my esophagus, which is kind of an interesting design when you think about it.
00:23:11.000 You know, your body can just go, yeah, I don't like this.
00:23:13.000 I'm getting it out of here.
00:23:14.000 I heard that's what car sickness is.
00:23:17.000 You, you, you feel disoriented and you're, say you're looking at a book in a car and your body doesn't understand why you're being jiggled from the right to left as you read a book because it thinks you're in a chair.
00:23:27.000 Well, you are in a chair, but it thinks you're at home in a chair.
00:23:30.000 So it assumes you've been poisoned.
00:23:35.000 So it, uh, it makes you barf to get the poison out.
00:23:38.000 That's what car sickness is.
00:23:39.000 So that's, in this case though, I have been poisoned by a rotten eggplant that was probably, I don't know, prepared with human feces.
00:23:46.000 They say that when you get really sick, it's because human feces has come in contact with your food somehow.
00:23:51.000 Jesus Christ.
00:23:52.000 Who's putting poo in my food?
00:23:55.000 Um, so that comes out, and that feeling, you know, I've had bad acid trips, speaking of acid, and those, they're sort of like what we were, Anthony Cumia was talking about this, and I was just talking about this with Dave Kast, my producer.
00:24:09.000 I haven't had a panic attack in a long time.
00:24:10.000 I'm too drunk, but I remember panic attacks when I first moved to New York, and you just sort of sit there and you go, alright, here we go, going on a ride.
00:24:19.000 Take me away, panic attack.
00:24:21.000 You can't kill me.
00:24:22.000 I'm not gonna have a heart attack.
00:24:23.000 So I'll just sit here and accept the panic attack.
00:24:29.000 And that's what we did.
00:24:30.000 That's what I used to do.
00:24:31.000 And that's what you should do when you get a panic attack.
00:24:33.000 And that's kind of what you have to do when you barf.
00:24:35.000 You just go, alright, here we go.
00:24:36.000 We're on the barf train.
00:24:38.000 And you barf and barf and it's fucking hell.
00:24:42.000 Sorry, it's just like a bad acid trip.
00:24:45.000 You have to sit there and go, well, I'm having a bad acid trip.
00:24:47.000 I'm probably not gonna snap out of it.
00:24:49.000 Acid only lasts for about five hours.
00:24:51.000 Worst case scenario, I sit here for five hours and endure hell.
00:24:55.000 People do that on shitty flights.
00:24:57.000 You know, they go to L.A.
00:24:58.000 and there's turbulence, so I'm on a shitty flight to L.A., here we go.
00:25:01.000 And that's what you kinda gotta do with barf.
00:25:03.000 You gotta go, well, here comes some hell.
00:25:07.000 And so you heave and you heave, and I find it helps to make sounds.
00:25:12.000 Like, HUUUUH!
00:25:13.000 HUUUUH!
00:25:15.000 HUUUUH!
00:25:18.000 Which is pretty dramatic, you know?
00:25:19.000 And you think, this is probably annoying my wife and kids, but fuck them.
00:25:23.000 I'm dying.
00:25:24.000 I'm sorry if you're inconvenienced.
00:25:25.000 Go to the other room.
00:25:26.000 You don't have to listen to this.
00:25:31.000 It's tempting to ask your wife for sympathy, too.
00:25:34.000 That's gay.
00:25:36.000 So, I wanted to say, like, I can't stop burping!
00:25:40.000 To my wife, but what attracts women to men is their ability to protect the children.
00:25:47.000 And if this guy cries like a little bitch every time he barfs, he's not going to protect my children.
00:25:53.000 So it kind of sucks.
00:25:55.000 It must be fun to be a chick, because you can just barf and cry.
00:25:57.000 But as a dude, you have to go, go to hell.
00:26:02.000 And then just sort of go, puh, puh, puh, puh.
00:26:06.000 And then go wash your face and go, oh, that totally sucked, dude.
00:26:10.000 Of course, when you're finally done, and you go lie down again, you feel like a million bucks.
00:26:17.000 This is what Indians do in sweat lodges.
00:26:19.000 I almost said sweat hogs.
00:26:21.000 This is what the Indians in Welcome Back Cotter would do when they would go into a sweat hog.
00:26:28.000 You suffer untold hell.
00:26:30.000 I believe this is in my book, Death of the Cool, going to my wife's family's powwows and going in a sweat lodge.
00:26:36.000 But then you get out,
00:26:39.000 I think it's like half an hour.
00:26:40.000 It's hard to tell time in there because you're in Satan's anus.
00:26:44.000 But you come out and it's the cool fresh air and the snow and your whole body steaming.
00:26:49.000 I guess that's what saunas are about too.
00:26:52.000 And you just feel so happy to be the hell out of there.
00:26:55.000 So you sort of glide back to your bed and you're feeling great, but your body, I don't know why, can't you just, hey bodies, if there's any bodies out there listening, can't you just get it all out in one?
00:27:05.000 What's with the waves?
00:27:08.000 So that was at about 8, and from 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 1, 2, 3, and 4 a.m., once an hour, like clockwork, at 22 minutes after the hour, I'd have that hellish... Holy crap.
00:27:25.000 And the first 20 minutes you go, you know what, boys?
00:27:28.000 I think we're done.
00:27:30.000 I think we're good.
00:27:31.000 We got that eggplant out.
00:27:33.000 I hope the person who had poo on his hands dies a horrible death.
00:27:37.000 But we're done now.
00:27:40.000 And then the next 20 minutes you go, you know what?
00:27:43.000 I still feel pretty bad.
00:27:45.000 And I'm feeling a little worse.
00:27:47.000 And my lawyer says that we can appeal.
00:27:49.000 But I'm thinking I'm going to jail.
00:27:52.000 And then the last 20 minutes, there's been a sentence and your lawyer isn't answering his calls.
00:27:59.000 And, uh, other guys that you're in the hole with are saying, well, the whole solitary, right?
00:28:05.000 Other guys that you're in, in jail with are saying, yeah, it's you're looking at, you're going to maximum, you're dead.
00:28:12.000 Uh, and then you barf again.
00:28:15.000 Now here's where it gets interesting, and here's where LSD comes in.
00:28:18.000 So, it was 3.20, and I noticed by the way, right before I'd barf, I'd get intense heat, my ears were on fire, my whole body temperature would be, like, melting this, the Tempur-Pedic.
00:28:29.000 And I realized that's, you know, why you have a fever, right?
00:28:31.000 Your body tries to microwave the bacteria.
00:28:34.000 So I don't think you should try to cool down and put a cold face cloth on your head if you have a fever.
00:28:38.000 I think you should endure it.
00:28:39.000 It's your body microwaving itself.
00:28:42.000 So the body would microwave itself, and it said, I don't want to digest this.
00:28:46.000 I'm trying to digest it, but I'm trying to burn it.
00:28:49.000 I got to get rid of it, Gav.
00:28:50.000 Okay, fine.
00:28:52.000 But it is getting kind of late, guys.
00:28:55.000 And now I'm barfing out like one bamboo shoot and a bunch of water and I can't drink because it just comes back up again.
00:29:04.000 Is this a gross podcast?
00:29:05.000 I don't think it's that gross.
00:29:06.000 I'm being very clinical about it and it's just audio.
00:29:09.000 So there's no like splashing sounds.
00:29:12.000 We're just discussing bodily functions without, you know, getting into too much detail.
00:29:19.000 When the 4 o'clock one came, 422, I used my acid brain and I said, you know what body?
00:29:26.000 We're done.
00:29:27.000 And the body said, I don't want to digest this.
00:29:30.000 It's poison.
00:29:30.000 And I go, yeah, I did a lot of barfing over the past eight hours.
00:29:36.000 And I think I got the majority.
00:29:38.000 You can handle the little bit of poison that's left.
00:29:41.000 Let it go through all the small intestine, large intestine, and we'll take care of it.
00:29:45.000 We'll push it out the bottom end tomorrow.
00:29:47.000 And the body went, I'm not doing that.
00:29:49.000 And I go, yeah, you are.
00:29:52.000 And so the body sent the fever thing, turned me into a microwave.
00:29:57.000 I went over to the kitchen floor, sorry, my wife's bathroom floor.
00:30:01.000 I call it her bathroom because I never use it because I told you in another podcast, you never poo around your wife.
00:30:07.000 And I lay naked on the freezing cold tiles, which was insanely cold because I had a fever.
00:30:12.000 And I fought the fever back.
00:30:14.000 And said, we're not microwaving anymore.
00:30:16.000 We're not dealing with this.
00:30:17.000 I'm done with the cycle.
00:30:19.000 And I honestly believe that I fought the 422 AM barf.
00:30:24.000 Back.
00:30:25.000 And I told the body, we're done with barfing.
00:30:29.000 I'm going to go to sleep now.
00:30:29.000 I'm exhausted.
00:30:31.000 And you have to handle what's done.
00:30:33.000 And I'm done with the microwaves.
00:30:34.000 I'm done with the barfing.
00:30:35.000 So you just stomach acid and whatever, handle this.
00:30:39.000 Otherwise, it would have gone on all night.
00:30:42.000 And I think you can do that too, with mind control.
00:30:47.000 Maybe even without acid.
00:30:49.000 And then the next day, around 2 p.m., it had made it through, splashed it out.
00:30:54.000 I remember the whole time too, I was like, can't this just be diarrhea?
00:30:56.000 Why does this have to come out of the top end?
00:31:01.000 But it was all solved the next day.
00:31:03.000 God, it takes a while.
00:31:05.000 By the way, to recover from this, I had two black eyes.
00:31:08.000 Not a big obvious black eyes, but there was like dark circles from all the blood vessels popping from the... And my eyelids hurt from more blood vessels popping, and I kind of had abs.
00:31:22.000 Like, I'd put on some weight.
00:31:23.000 I hadn't been to the gym over the July 4th holiday, and I'd put on some weight.
00:31:29.000 I kind of lost the weight and got my, not a six-pack back, but I got kind of reasonably in shape.
00:31:37.000 Anyway, the moral of the story is that you can fight back.
00:31:43.000 I don't know.
00:32:00.000 You can adjust the cant and the ride, which is like the height, the angle that it goes in, which I know you skinny, gorgeous hunks don't have that problem, but us slightly plump people are uncomfortable with our holsters tucked in our sides.
00:32:16.000 They can also customize it with graphics.
00:32:19.000 It's a hard holster, so you can take it out and pop it back in again.
00:32:22.000 It's not a floppy holster.
00:32:28.000 What else was I going to say about it?
00:32:29.000 Yeah, you can get anything engraved on it, and they're usually $34, but $24 if you use the code GAVIN.
00:32:37.000 And the fit is so tight, it will make you leave your wife.
00:32:42.000 Now, I'm almost done getting my concealed carry, not for Manhattan, but for everywhere else.
00:32:50.000 I gotta say, the worst part about it is having someone sponsor you.
00:32:54.000 When you're my age, calling someone up and saying, Hi, can you sponsor me?
00:32:58.000 It's like when you do those little marathons as a kid and it's for whatever charity and they sponsor you for every kilometer you run.
00:33:05.000 You have to go door to door.
00:33:06.000 I don't like
00:33:08.000 Having people do me favors.
00:33:10.000 Same with, like, these stupid clubs that you sign up for.
00:33:15.000 You know, like, I know country clubs makes me sound bourgeois, but here in the Burbs, you gotta be part of some sort of club, because the kids don't ride their bikes anymore on the street.
00:33:23.000 They go to the local, the pool club, or the golf club, or whatever the club is.
00:33:28.000 And to do that, you gotta get sponsors, and they have to vouch for you.
00:33:33.000 It's so humiliating.
00:33:35.000 It's not... It's like courting girls.
00:33:37.000 I've been married for ten years.
00:33:39.000 No one has since 2001.
00:33:41.000 I don't like going up to girls.
00:33:42.000 Hi, would you like to love me?
00:33:44.000 Hi, can you be responsible for my behavior?
00:33:47.000 Ugh.
00:33:51.000 But whatever, it improves the kids' lives.
00:33:53.000 That's what you gotta do.
00:33:54.000 So yeah.
00:33:54.000 I'm not gonna bring up any other subjects because I think that's important, but... The moral of today's show is... Uh...
00:34:03.000 Barfing sucks, but you can control it with LSD.
00:34:08.000 Now, please go to CRTV.com, check out my show, Get Off My Lawn.
00:34:12.000 We've got some fun changes afoot.
00:34:14.000 I think I might start doing some live shows, maybe at The Compound at Kumia's studio.
00:34:21.000 We also have CRTV Tonight coming up, not this Friday, but next Friday.
00:34:25.000 I forget who the guests are.
00:34:26.000 I've got to get Dinesh D'Souza on.
00:34:28.000 He's got a movie coming out on August 4th.
00:34:32.000 Also, Michael Recktenwald, the NYU prof,
00:34:36.000 He's got a book about snowflakes coming up.
00:34:38.000 This was the guy who is liberal, but he dared to question PC and was fired and rehired, and now he's a pariah at NYU.
00:34:45.000 No one will even get on the elevator with him.
00:34:47.000 So I got a show dedicated to him on Get Off My Lawn.
00:34:50.000 Tons of fun stuff!
00:34:51.000 And, by the way, Steven Crowder is doing some interesting stuff.
00:34:54.000 He's finding people who dox him, who say, hey, Steven Crowder's doing that change my mind thing.
00:34:59.000 Go slash his tires and burn him and throw Molotov cocktails in his face and kill him.
00:35:04.000 All these idle threats that these Antifa types do.
00:35:06.000 He's gone to their work.
00:35:08.000 He finds them and he says, why'd you tell people to kill me?
00:35:11.000 And of course, they don't stand by their words, and they said, one of the responses was, if I was gonna do anything, I would have already done it.
00:35:17.000 And then they always say, we're calling the cops!
00:35:20.000 These anarchists can't wait to call the cops.
00:35:22.000 And he goes, good, call the cops.
00:35:23.000 I'm here to confront you about a death threat.
00:35:25.000 I don't think you're gonna do very well when the cops arrive.
00:35:29.000 Anyway, I like you more than a friend, and I'll see you on Friday.