This is the first episode of my new podcast, Get Off My Lawn, where I talk about a bunch of random stuff. It's my first time doing a podcast, and it's a bit of a mess, but I hope you enjoy it anyway. Get off my lawn is a new podcast I'm doing by myself, hosted by me, and I'm trying to figure out how to make it work. I'm not sure if it's going to work out, but it'll figure it out eventually. Get off your lawn! I'll be back with more episodes soon, but in the meantime, here's a few stories from my childhood about how my dad almost ruined my speech at my parents' 50th anniversary party, and how my mom almost got a raise for a Christmas present from my dad. Thanks for listening, and Happy Holidays! xoxo, -Jon Sorrentino and Jon's new book is out now, which is out in the world! If you haven't already checked it out, you should definitely do so. I think you'll agree that it's pretty good. Jon is a great writer, and he's a great storyteller, and his writing skills are impeccable, so if you're in the mood for a good story, you're going to love it. Enjoy! Jon also has a new book coming out soon, so stay tuned for the book he's writing a book called "The Good Ears" coming out next week. in the next few weeks, so be sure to check it out! Enjoy, Jon's book, "Good Ears, Good ears by Jon's Good ears" and the movie "Good ears by my ears" by my good ears, too! - Jon is also on Good ears, by my dear friend, John Rocha. --Jon's new novel, Good Eyes, Bad Ears. Thank you, Jon. . Jon s new book: Good ears and Good ears. Good ears are good ears by the good ears. Good ears! -- Jon's Bad ears by his good ears are not only better than yours, but good ears too. John's new song of the week, good ears? Happy listening, Jon, John's good ears and good ears good ears John s new album, by his wife, John s good ears bad ears, so you'll know you'll like it, too.
Transcript
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00:00:00.000My mom's a bitch and my dad's an a-hole.
00:00:05.000That was gonna be my speech for their 50th anniversary and my dad kiboshed it.
00:00:10.000I explained myself and I said, what I do is I start out offensive and then people get to know what I mean by bitch, what I mean by asshole, and then it's really schmaltzy at the end.
00:01:08.000In fact, when I got off, out of the car at the airport, I said, alright, bye dad, love you, uh, sorry about your speech, don't beat yourself up.
00:01:12.000To which, of course, he replied, haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
00:02:49.000It's probably bad in the grand scheme of things, but it seemed like a fuck of a lot of money to me But yeah, they screwed him so I've been doing my my show which is at CRTV.com and it's called get off my lawn doing the show by myself and Doing things like leaving mics on so the the audio picks up the audio the whole room and Getting the lip syncing off for some reason.
00:13:10.000So I was going to start out and say, you know, when you first meet this couple, you go, they seem nice, very friendly, very effusive, very eager to chat, especially at a pub, which is they spend the winters in Florida.
00:13:24.000And that's, I got to say, you go to a pub in Florida or bar and
00:13:29.000Those guys are really great conversationalists.
00:13:33.000All these blue-collar, retired dudes, Vietnam vets and stuff.
00:14:24.000In fact, a funny little anecdote that relates to all this.
00:14:29.000We were at a park near my house in the suburbs, and I have a nice house now.
00:14:34.000I moved out of the apartment in Williamsburg, and there's a beautiful park nearby.
00:14:38.000And the weird... I'm still getting used to these people.
00:14:40.000They're so... They're like Ned Flanders on the outside, and then you find out they're having an affair and doing drugs on the inside, so... I'm still trying to map my way out here.
00:14:49.000If we feel... My wife and I feel like the Coneheads.
00:15:59.000So you're already annoyed as a normal person by these stupid, fancy dogs.
00:16:03.000Uh, and what everything they represent, the dumb virtue signaling, not virtue signaling, but status signaling.
00:16:09.000Um, but then you're also talking to a dog hater, and he's also had a lot of beers that day, and he gets real, he can get scary when he's had some beers.
00:16:28.000But when I told him my wife was pregnant with my first child, my daughter, he said, and he'd had about ten beers,
00:16:35.000He's sitting there cross-legged, the way Scots and British people when they're drunk, they cross their legs and they hunch their backs over and it looks like Gollum is asleep on the train.
00:16:44.000It looks like someone tangled up an elf on the shelf.
00:16:49.000So he's got his weird little skinny legs all twisted around each other and he's hunched over and his head's down because he's falling asleep.
00:16:55.000And he picks up his head with his half-closed eyes and he goes, B-T-D-T.
00:17:45.000And at that moment I realized that if I were to punch him, he's such a schadenfreude, dark, Darth Vader kind of guy, that he would enjoy it.
00:17:56.000He'd be like, remember that time I made Gavin so angry he knocked me out?
00:18:04.000So I just said I wouldn't give you the pleasure and I packed up my bags and the family was at the airport at five in the fucking morning trying to go back home.
00:18:12.000Anyway, so we're at the park and there's those two dogs, and he's got his hands behind his back, which, you should be wary of people who are that congenial.
00:18:22.000Like, I've said this a million times, but when you have some, you know, British guy with a lot of rings and a buttoned up Fred Perry, and he goes, hello, I couldn't help but notice you were swearing in front of a lady, who would mean a lot to me if you could apologize.
00:20:28.000It's tourist friendly, but we could have been in East New York.
00:20:31.000We could have been in Harlem or the Bronx.
00:20:33.000Dad, don't fucking start yelling at people in bars before you know the demographic.
00:20:40.000One time, this is the craziest one, so he hates dogs, and he sees this little poodle, you know how people will put like a ribbon in the bangs of their dog, a little pink bow tie thing, and that'll hold the hair up in a funny little umbrella bun above the doggy's head, and my dad says, that's it!
00:21:01.000He was with my brother, I wasn't there for that one, but my brother and I regale each other with these stories, and he's very accurate.
00:21:09.000And he goes up to the manager and he goes,
00:21:26.000And I think it's absolutely disgusting, and I'm going to report you.
00:21:30.000And my family... No, he wouldn't say, I'm gonna report you.
00:21:48.000And there is a two-year-old child in a high chair with her hair in a little thing with a little pink bow tie keeping her fucking bangs up so they look like a fountain shooting out of the top of her head the way you do with a cute little baby girl.
00:22:42.000It's a Sean Connery thing Scottish people do to sound fancy.
00:22:45.000His real accent you hear in his sleep, and right before he retired he hated his job, and I'd hear him in his room going, I don't want to go!
00:23:57.000One time, this is the story I was going to tell, and I couldn't tell it by censoring the main word in it, but uh... So we're driving, I went to university in downtown Ottawa, I live downtown, but I'd occasionally visit my folks in the burbs on a Sunday or whatever.
00:24:13.000And they were kind, they'd agree to drive me back, but there was always a lot of... they didn't like it.
00:24:20.000I mean, it was probably like 45 minutes, or maybe an hour there and back.
00:24:24.000So they were pissed off as they did it.
00:24:26.000Which, at that point, when you're the passenger, you're like, you know what?
00:26:32.000Anyway, so we're driving down, and Billy Bragg's a fan of mayo, by the way, both the condiment and the world leader, the despot.
00:26:41.000So we're whipping down the highway, and Billy Bragg's like, I don't know, I just feel like, you know, we gotta worry about the workers, you know, the union is a great thing, and blah, blah, blah.
00:27:39.000So it takes me- I know that there's a shopping mall about a mile that way, so I'll just play Frogger on the fucking freeway as cars come by that couldn't possibly stop if they saw me.
00:27:51.000So I just have to- I'm basically- I pretend I'm invisible, right?
00:27:54.000They're coming that fast, and eventually I manage to get brakes to make it to the median, then I stand on the cement median with cars whipping by and blowing my hair in every direction, and then I eventually get a brake on the other side, then walk through some farmer's fields, and eventually end up at the bus stop.
00:28:09.000Now, you can't tell that story without the word asshole, right?
00:28:14.000And then I said, I like Billy Bragg, and then my dad said, you don't like that guy, he's a jerk.
00:28:19.000And I said, you're kind of a jerk, dude.
00:28:22.000And what kind of asshole puts everyone's life in jeopardy and goes veering off the highway because you, sorry, I'm getting nervous, this isn't recording, but anyway, we gotta go for it, goes veering off the highway because you said the word jerk.
00:28:38.000Anyway, so the other story I was going to tell was about my old lady.
00:30:48.000So then I just sort of lost the stress, you know, about her crazy attitude and I thought, ah, we're done.
00:30:55.000And then, right after I had sort of released myself from the stress, I see her across this long, weird passageway.
00:31:05.000Now, you know how schools, it's hard to find a place to study.
00:31:11.000And just by accident, my shitty university, Carleton University, just happened to have this weird, kind of a design flaw, really, where there was the venue, Porter Hall, where they'd have bands play,
00:31:21.000Then there was the stairs to go to the classrooms, and then there was this building.
00:31:27.000And just by some sort of hole in the architect's design, there was a long, very wide, like 20-foot corridor that probably went about 200 feet.
00:31:37.000And no one used it as a traffic spot when there wasn't a concert going on.
00:31:49.000In fact, I remember in college, if you looked up from your book in the library and everyone was Asian, you went, oh, jeez, I'm studying way too hard here.
00:32:35.000It's foreign students studying away, and it is silent as can be, and it also has quite an echo, because it's a tall, cement, kind of a Bauhaus room.
00:32:46.000So I'm looking down, and I see her open the fire doors, which startles people, right?
00:32:52.000And I see her, and she looks like Braveheart post-battle.
00:32:55.000Her face is beet red, her hair's all askew, and it's kind of thin, too, her hair, so when it's messy, it looks like a comb-over that got uncombed.
00:33:04.000And she's got this frazzled hair, and she's hunched back, like Quasimodo.
00:33:09.000And I can see her eyes look like she's been red-pilled.
00:33:18.000And I go, oh boy, this shit has hit the fan.
00:33:21.000Now, I can't do this in the microphone, or it will break, and you'll go deaf, and your car speakers will blow.
00:33:30.000She sees me, and her glowing eyes get as big as golf balls, and then she points like Donald Sutherland in Invasion of the Body Snatchers, and she goes, I'm gonna turn away from the mic for this, she goes, where the fuck have you been?
00:33:47.000And I think, I don't want to get into this with you.
00:33:51.000And I go, I just sort of yell back, you know what?
00:34:09.000Like the cheap kind of Eames chairs, so it's just like steel, sort of spaghetti-thin legs that meet on the bottom, right?
00:34:17.000And then that sort of plastic molding for the butt, and orange plastic molding for the back, but just thin steel holding them on, and it's all one steel chair.
00:34:26.000It's quite heavy, but kind of elastic in its bounciness.
00:34:30.000She slides her hands down the edges, down the back,
00:34:37.000On either side of the back of one of these steel chairs.
00:34:40.000And her eyes are even bigger now, if that was possible.
00:35:02.000And she does it like it's the Highland Games.
00:35:05.000She gets behind it, like she really gets her hips into it, and her knees, and she bends down, and she sort of starts with it way, way back behind her, gives it a dip, and then just full body, arching back, just launches it at the perfect 60 degree angle, and phoo!
00:35:24.000It soars through the air like an eagle that's dying.
00:35:32.000And as this chair soars, all of these students are just, they're gobsmacked, mouths agog, arms akimbo, and they're staring up like it's an intergalactic tennis match, just watching the chair go from right
00:37:05.000I've always said the Indians who were nice are all dead.
00:37:08.000So it's only the bitches we have left.
00:37:11.000The ones who don't want to shake the white man's hand and do a deal.
00:37:15.000Um, but as an asshole, I need her to keep me in line or I just, like, ruin every party we go to and, you know, get too strict with the kids and... I need her to counter me.
00:37:27.000I remember one time my parents went out, they went camping when they first got to Canada.
00:37:32.000And the men went out to get something like tent pegs or something.
00:37:52.000So they end up having about seven pints and it's dark out now, it's 11pm.
00:37:57.000And they get back, and these poor women have been hiding out in the tent, because there's no bug dope, and it's mosquitoes everywhere.
00:38:02.000So they have no fire, no nothing, and they're just sitting in their individual tents with, I guess, a flashlight, reading a book or something.
00:38:10.000So my dad finally makes it back to the tent, and the other dad saw this, and he's the one who told me this story.
00:38:26.000A fist comes flying out of the tent and smashes him in the face.
00:38:30.000He falls backwards, passes out, and wakes up a few hours later looking like the elephant man because he's been stung by or bitten by 10 million mosquitoes.
00:38:42.000He did that the other night at the anniversary too.
00:38:44.000He fell asleep outside covered in mosquitoes.
00:39:36.000Set up with a shot where you can't do anything because the guy has blocked him in with the eight ball and he doesn't have any way out of it and he can't even get to any of his balls.
00:39:45.000And my dad said something like, ah, you fucked me.
00:39:48.000And the anchorman said, oh, yeah, that's what your wife said to me last night, Jim.
00:39:52.000And without hesitation, my dad just went and headbutted him in the face and exploded his nose.
00:40:31.000And then I realized, this isn't a bitch and an asshole.
00:40:35.000These are two warriors that fight for what's right.
00:40:39.000And they sort of instilled that in me, is this sense of don't let people, I don't care how unfashionable it is to call out a truth or to call out a bullshitter.
00:40:47.000It's like Carl Pilkington says, he wants to become a superhero where he just flies around the world, shows up at things and goes, that's bullshit, and then flies away.
00:40:58.000That's really what this bitch and asshole are all about.
00:41:26.000You know, never speaking to someone ever again because they cheated on this wife, or getting in fights at parties because someone had disrespected, you know, their husband or some other big deal.
00:41:37.000You know, there was always a sense of justice and honor and courage and loyalty in my family.
00:41:56.000Needs, bitches, and assholes to survive.
00:41:59.000They're sort of like social entrepreneurs.
00:42:01.000Instead of starting a business, they're sort of correcting the free market of social behavior and preventing people from butting in line and being jerks.
00:42:11.000And sometimes they would have to shoot them, and if they were to shoot them, they would be wearing a We The People holster from WeThePeopleHolsters.com, where they have perfectly molded holsters using cutting-edge technology, where it's sort of heat-sensitive, it's heat-molded to these guns, and they're $34.
00:42:31.000If you go to WeThePeopleHolsters.com and use the passcode GAVIN, you can get them for $24.
00:42:36.000And they can also put anything you'd like on them.
00:43:33.000It's a tight, so fit, it will make you leave your wife.
00:43:38.000So, I was also going to say during the speech that I can say this because I'm half bitch, half asshole, and then I was going to talk about my mom, and when her brother and her mother died, she went through a rocky time.
00:43:49.000My brother wasn't very kind towards the end there, and I was going to say, Mom, you bitch, I want you to know what you have.
00:43:56.000Two bitch assholes and an asshole who have your back till, not just till we die, but until after we die.
00:44:04.000Because we'll instill great stories into our kids about what wonderful parents you are and what bucolic childhoods we had and how we really appreciate your tough love throughout the years.
00:44:15.000Anyway, that's all I gotta say about my folks and how much I admire them.
00:44:20.000I didn't like him when I was a teen, I gotta say that.
00:44:22.000And my dad always says, you can be friends with your children when you're young or when you're old.
00:44:32.000I'm the one who turns off the TV and takes the video game stuff away, but that's my role, and I'm happy to do it.
00:44:39.000I just hope we're friends when they're 25.
00:44:43.000Please check out my show, Get Off My Lawn.
00:44:45.000It's a daily vidcast, I guess you'd call it, and it is Monday to Thursday,
00:44:52.000One week, and then it's Monday and Tuesday the next week because every second week I shoot a bigger show that's like a red-eye type talk show with a panel and game shows and a halftime guest and we go through videos and it's all very silly and pop-cultury.
00:45:08.000It's not, we don't parse the politics of the IRS.
00:45:11.000We talk about Kim Kardashian's jewelry.
00:45:18.000And that's also on CRTV.com and you also get Mark Levin, Steven Crowder, Phil Robertson from Duck Dynasty, Kurt Schilling, one of the greatest pitchers of all time, has a sports show on there now.
00:45:30.000They just keep accruing new people and they're not beholden to advertisers so we can say whatever we want.
00:45:37.000Talk about how fat people have a serious problem, which you can't do on Fox because that's their market.
00:45:42.000You can't criticize Big Pharma on most TV because that's their number one client.
00:45:46.000I'm happy to criticize Big Pharma and recognize their role in the opioid crisis.