Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - July 20, 2018


Get Off My Lawn Podcast #68 | Don't have sex with women in Toronto

Topics
sardines Puerto Ricans Vernacular English education in America Republican gays
Hosted by
Gavin McInnes
Mentioned
John Waters Derek Beckles Fred Armisen Kaby Einz Puerto Ricans Jesus Christ Jesus Lord Glaswegian Glasgow Kennedy Sandra Martin Luther King Gang Gang Dance Milo Yiannopoulos Donald Sutherland Wilford Brimley Tucker Carlson James Hunt Fidel Castro Kevin Durant and 12 more
Get Off My Lawn Podcast #67 | My mom's a bitch Ep 158 | See No Evil | Get Off My Lawn

Episode Stats


Length

46 minutes

Words per minute

176.39

Word count

8,114

Sentence count

831

Harmful content

Misogyny

66

sentences flagged

Toxicity

263

sentences flagged

Hate speech

72

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

It's the end of the world as we know it. People on planes are getting worse and worse every year, and I'm here to tell you why. I was on a flight the other day, and a guy with two stupid dogs was trying to get on a plane, and the stewardess asked him to move because he was allergic to them, and he said, "I'm sorry not to him, but this is part of our procedure here. You'll have to move them to the back." And she said she'd make sure they didn't get on the plane with him because she was worried they'd get into trouble with the airline. And he agreed, so they made him move them back to the front of the plane, but he still had to drag them off the plane because they were too big for first class. I don't know what else to do with them. I mean, what's the point of them if they're not big enough to fit in the back of a plane anyway? And they have to sleep in the middle of it? so why not put them on the other side of the airplane and make them in the front? I don t know why they should even be on there at all. I'll tell you what I think about it, and you'll just have to listen to this episode to figure it out. I'll be back next week for the next episode of The Nod, where I'll talk about it. I'm going to be talking about it in a little bit more. and you can't have sex in bed, right? . . . and it's not in Toronto, right in bed? (Sorry about that. I'm sorry about that, but it's a good thing. I can't wait for you to hear it. I love you guys. I know you're not in bed with me in bed right now, but I'm not in a place where you're getting a good night's worth of sex, you're in a good place, you know what I'm in a better place, right here. . Thank you for listening to me, guys. Love ya. Love you, bye, bye. XOXO, Caitlyn. - GAVY. Caitlyn - P. Gav & JUICY - JOSH GABBY CHEERS, JOSH, EJ & JACOB

Transcript

Transcripts from "Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes" are sourced from the Knowledge Fight Interactive Search Tool. Explore them interactively here.
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Toxicity classifications generated with s-nlp/roberta_toxicity_classifier .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
Topics generated with Qwen2.5-3B-Instruct.
Hosts, guests, and mentioned names generated with spaCy (en_core_web_sm), reconciled against Wikidata.
00:00:04.000 Don't have sex with women in Toronto. 1.00
00:00:09.000 They are bad in bed. 0.99
00:00:11.000 In fact, there's a great song by, um, the electric chairs called bad in bed and the singer Wayne County went on to become Jane County.
00:00:25.000 I bought that record in Toronto. 0.96
00:00:27.000 So I, and by the way, I don't say, are you fucking kidding me? 0.97
00:00:30.000 Who is that? 0.96
00:00:33.000 What are you doing?
00:00:34.000 I'm recording a podcast.
00:00:36.000 Okay, this is all being recorded right now.
00:00:39.000 Jesus Christ, how is that for irony? 0.97
00:00:55.000 fucking sound guy comes in to say get your phone away from the thing and ruins the podcast what's worse hearing someone come in and interrupt a podcast or some slight phone interference and by the way maybe tell me that another time like the second you discover it 0.98
00:01:11.000 The second you discover that there's phone interference, email me and go, Hey Gavin, uh, yo, not for nothing. 0.99
00:01:17.000 I like ebonic emails.
00:01:19.000 Um, I couldn't help but notice if you will, that, uh, you had some slight phone interference when you were conversating on your podcast, yo.
00:01:28.000 Why wait until I'm shooting the thing?
00:01:32.000 I'm actually doing it.
00:01:35.000 Anyway, I don't like when people in Toronto, Ontario call it Trana.
00:01:40.000 I'm very adamant about Toronto.
00:01:43.000 I'm also adamant about Saturday Night Live.
00:01:46.000 It's not sardine lye.
00:01:48.000 Sardine lye is a small salty fish that is dishonest with you.
00:01:54.000 That's a sardine lye.
00:01:57.000 Speaking of sardines, by the way, my brother told me this story the other day.
00:01:59.000 I went up for my parents' 50th.
00:02:01.000 I told you about that.
00:02:05.000 This guy is on the plane with him and he's sitting across from the aisle from him.
00:02:12.000 People on planes are getting unbelievable.
00:02:14.000 There's a whole passenger shaming thing about it on Instagram, but every year it gets worse.
00:02:19.000 And it's now, like, planes used to be a place where you would wear a suit and you'd sit down with a real steel fork and knife and have a steak.
00:02:27.000 Now it's a trailer park. 0.74
00:02:30.000 It's the trashiest people in society congregate on planes. 0.99
00:02:35.000 And not just like poor, but bad human beings. 0.99
00:02:39.000 Millennials who bring stuffed animals even though she's 25. 0.63
00:02:43.000 They sleep at the gate. 1.00
00:02:45.000 They fucking... They bring their dogs? 1.00
00:02:49.000 I was on a flight the other day going to LA and there was a guy, probably a hairdresser or a producer, same thing.
00:02:57.000 And he had two dogs with him. 0.94
00:03:01.000 Two of his stupid puppies that were really hairy and he had them in their individual little things and in first class you got tons of leg room so he had he had laid them out in front and I was in first class over on the other side of the aisle as one is wont to do and 0.99
00:03:19.000 I hear the stewardess say to him, sorry not to him, the person sitting next to him sits down next to him and the stewardess goes, I just want to say, you obviously noticed that the person next to you has brought their dogs. 0.99
00:03:35.000 If you have a problem with that, that's your call.
00:03:37.000 And then he gets super apologetic, the guy sitting next to the dog owner, and he goes, yeah, I'm sorry, I'm really allergic to dogs.
00:03:45.000 And then the stewardess goes, I'm really sorry, sir, but this is part of our procedure here.
00:03:53.000 You're going to have to move, but we'll seat you in the back.
00:03:56.000 So, he goes, you're kidding me, right?
00:03:58.000 And then he looks at the dude who has allergies and he goes, I'm sorry, I mean, I don't know what you want me to do. 0.99
00:04:05.000 And the guy goes, God damn it! 1.00
00:04:07.000 And he picks up his two stupid dogs and he goes to coach. 1.00
00:04:12.000 And then he has to put one at his feet and one on his lap. 1.00
00:04:15.000 I went to see him later on because I couldn't resist.
00:04:18.000 He stacked his dogs on his body.
00:04:21.000 I actually saw him when we got to LA, too, in a pissy mood, dragging his dogs out.
00:04:25.000 He was still mad.
00:04:27.000 Dude, why are you mad? 1.00
00:04:28.000 Why'd you bring your stupid fucking dogs on a plane? 1.00
00:04:32.000 You missed your babies? 1.00
00:04:33.000 You don't want to be away from your ba- I don't- I wouldn't even bring my kids on a plane if I could avoid it. 1.00
00:04:39.000 So anyway, this guy sits near my brother, and he has sardines with him.
00:04:43.000 Sardine line.
00:04:45.000 And it's not even a small sardine can like the ones in the cartoons.
00:04:50.000 Those probably hold like 10. 0.99
00:04:52.000 I don't eat fucking sardines. 0.99
00:04:53.000 I didn't know anyone does. 1.00
00:04:55.000 Oh god, I want to puke just thinking about them salty minnows.
00:04:59.000 But the normal sardine can is like, you know, the size of a box of cough drops.
00:05:03.000 And I guess you eat those dead salty fish and you enjoy it because for some reason you like eating out of the garbage.
00:05:09.000 Um, this guy's sardine can was a foot wide.
00:05:15.000 It was like a family style.
00:05:16.000 I'm actually getting nauseous describing this.
00:05:19.000 And it's exactly like the cough drop sized sardine can, but it's a big long wide one. 1.00
00:05:24.000 And he went... opens it up and starts eating, stinking up the whole plane with his stupid sardines. 1.00
00:05:35.000 It gets worse. 1.00
00:05:37.000 He fucking spilled it. 0.99
00:05:40.000 When my brother told me this story, I said, I need your flight number. 1.00
00:05:42.000 I need to talk to the airline.
00:05:44.000 I need to find this person. 1.00
00:05:45.000 I need to kill him. 1.00
00:05:47.000 I want there to be a Death Wish movie or The Equalizer where instead of him going to kill someone who killed his wife or his kids, he goes to kill people who spill sardine juice in a plane. 1.00
00:05:59.000 He kills a guy who wore flip-flops to a wedding. 1.00
00:06:03.000 That's the kind of guys I want to kill. 1.00
00:06:05.000 Fuck murderers. 1.00
00:06:06.000 We already have cops for that. 1.00
00:06:08.000 We need equalizers to go get the sardine spillers out there. 1.00
00:06:12.000 So yeah, this guy's just chowing down on a full, and by the way, a foot long sardine tin.
00:06:19.000 That's a big meal. 0.99
00:06:21.000 I mean, if that was steak, that would be, you'd be a greedy pig to finish it. 1.00
00:06:25.000 You would have to, you'd have to be a lumberjack who busted his ass all day chopping trees. 0.99
00:06:30.000 And then eventually someone goes, Jesus, man, you chopped down a hundred trees. 0.98
00:06:34.000 I need to take you to a steakhouse.
00:06:35.000 Here, have a foot long steak.
00:06:37.000 Oh, thank you very much.
00:06:38.000 I'll be stuffed when I'm done, but I appreciate you
00:06:42.000 Buying me so much, such a long skinny steak.
00:06:45.000 Thank you.
00:06:46.000 So he's chomping away on these sardines and then when he's done he's like, I don't know, getting up or something and he spills wet oily sardine juice all over the tray.
00:06:57.000 I have to check in with my brother.
00:06:59.000 I think he may have got some on the passenger next to him. 0.99
00:07:02.000 But he definitely got sardine juice all over the stupid tray and all over the carpet, all over the floor, all over himself. 1.00
00:07:12.000 Damn it! 1.00
00:07:14.000 Do you hate him as much as I do? 1.00
00:07:16.000 Like, I just want to hit him with my car. 0.99
00:07:20.000 This is what I want to do. 0.99
00:07:21.000 I want to get a prosthetic leg.
00:07:23.000 Not a prosthetic leg, but a fake leg from a horror shop, like a place that rents costumes.
00:07:28.000 There's a lot in New York City.
00:07:30.000 One of these Halloween stores.
00:07:32.000 And I want to get a really good zombie leg.
00:07:34.000 I want to hand that to the passenger in my car.
00:07:37.000 I want to be driving by this gentleman.
00:07:39.000 I want to triple confirm that it's him because I don't want to hurt anyone that's innocent.
00:07:42.000 I don't like unjustified violence.
00:07:44.000 I like justified violence.
00:07:46.000 And I want to be driving by him and I want to say, there he is, orange shirt, orange shirt, orange shirt.
00:07:50.000 And I want my passenger to hold out this, this zombie leg, which is made mostly of foam and latex.
00:07:55.000 And it might have not rebar, but plastic in the center of it.
00:08:00.000 And it has a shoe and a pant leg and fake guts hanging out one end. 0.99
00:08:03.000 And I want him to poke the leg out and smack this guy in the head. 0.99
00:08:08.000 I don't want to sucker leg him. 0.99
00:08:08.000 In the face. 0.99
00:08:10.000 I want him to be walking towards the car.
00:08:13.000 I want him to see me.
00:08:14.000 I want to point at him. 1.00
00:08:15.000 I want the car to smack him in the head. 1.00
00:08:17.000 I mean, sorry, the zombie leg to smack him in the head. 1.00
00:08:20.000 Then I want to get out of the car and go, That's for the sardines, bitch! 1.00
00:08:25.000 He wouldn't know what I'm talking about. 1.00
00:08:25.000 No. 1.00
00:08:27.000 I want to get out of the car and go,
00:08:28.000 That's for the large, foot-long sardine tin you spilled on Delta Flight 7715 from Toronto to Montreal.
00:08:39.000 And then he'd go, it's called Toronto.
00:08:42.000 No, it's not.
00:08:43.000 It's called Toronto.
00:08:44.000 Actually, Americans don't ever talk about Canada.
00:08:47.000 You know, Canadians are obsessed with America, but Americans don't even know where Canada is.
00:08:51.000 And so they've never heard the word Toronto.
00:08:54.000 So when I say Toronto, they say Toronto.
00:08:56.000 So I'm training them to say it correctly.
00:09:00.000 It's like Glasgow.
00:09:02.000 They call it glass cow.
00:09:04.000 Glass cow.
00:09:05.000 How'd you get that?
00:09:06.000 Do you understand what letters are?
00:09:08.000 G-L-A-S-G-O-W. 1.00
00:09:11.000 Glasgow.
00:09:12.000 No, it's Glasgow.
00:09:13.000 It's a glass cow.
00:09:15.000 I had some Puerto Rican call me once, because I never pay my bills.
00:09:19.000 I'm cheap.
00:09:20.000 I said to my cousin, who's Mexican, by the way.
00:09:23.000 My dad's sister married a Mexican guy.
00:09:27.000 He's really into Scottish stuff.
00:09:28.000 Like he, he heads the Robbie Burns night in Chicago and he's like head of the Highland games and he's got his kilt with his dagger in his sock and all that.
00:09:36.000 He's way more Scottish than me.
00:09:38.000 But, uh, I said to him, uh, you think you're Scottish dude, but you're not Scottish unless bill collectors call you.
00:09:45.000 And bill collectors call me all the time.
00:09:46.000 One time I was at my dad's house and someone came by and repossessed his minivan because he hadn't made his payments.
00:09:55.000 He took his minivan away.
00:09:57.000 Anyway, I'm getting one of my many calls I get, from usually Puerto Ricans, and she goes, Hello, is this Kaby Einz?
00:10:05.000 And I said, Pardonne-moi?
00:10:08.000 I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
00:10:09.000 They always, they get apologetic.
00:10:10.000 I'm sorry, Kaby Einz?
00:10:14.000 And I go, What does the name say?
00:10:16.000 Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
00:10:17.000 I'm very sorry.
00:10:19.000 His first name is Kaby, second name Einz?
00:10:29.000 And I said, oh, that's unfortunate.
00:10:31.000 The spelling of my name is G-A-V-I-N-M-C-I-N-N-E-S.
00:10:35.000 Oh yes, he says that.
00:10:36.000 He says it.
00:10:37.000 But he's Cabi-ines? 1.00
00:10:39.000 So let me get this straight.
00:10:41.000 The G is a C. You just, like, ignore the little mouth guard it has at the bottom and it just becomes a C. You got the A right.
00:10:49.000 The V is now a B. Puerto Ricans do that all the time, by the way. 1.00
00:10:51.000 They just add B. Like, one time I was carrying a painting by Gavin...
00:10:56.000 Duran?
00:10:58.000 No, Gavin Duran, the guy from Gang Gang Dance.
00:10:58.000 DeGraw?
00:11:01.000 He did a really cool painting for me. 0.96
00:11:03.000 It cost me a fucking fortune, but it was like 10 feet by 15 feet. 0.78
00:11:06.000 And so I rolled it up, and I put it in the back of this car, and I was worried about it getting dinged, right? 0.97
00:11:12.000 The canvas getting creased.
00:11:14.000 And when I finally arrived, I go, oh, goddammit, the end is all smushed up. 0.96
00:11:18.000 And the Puerto Rican cab driver was mad at me, and he goes, you sugar beaver! 0.85
00:11:24.000 And I go, pardon me?
00:11:25.000 I lived with Puerto Ricans for 15 years, so we have an acrimonious relationship for the most part. 1.00
00:11:30.000 And you would, too, if you lived in a Puerto Rican neighborhood.
00:11:34.000 And I go, what?
00:11:36.000 He goes, you sugar a biba. 0.98
00:11:40.000 And I go, you don't speak English.
00:11:42.000 Yes, yes, I do.
00:11:44.000 And you sugar a bin van.
00:11:47.000 A bin van.
00:11:49.000 A b-bar is a minivan.
00:11:52.000 They're like Glaswegians, where they speak in a lazy, garbled way. 1.00
00:11:58.000 A Glaswegian wouldn't say, you shoulda got a minivan.
00:12:01.000 He'll go, you shoulda got a minivan, maybe!
00:12:05.000 By the way, it's at the end of every Glaswegian sentence.
00:12:07.000 Sugar, minivan! 1.00
00:12:09.000 So, Glaswegians don't use consonants, and Puerto Ricans reluctantly use B for all consonants.
00:12:15.000 So, minivan is bi-ba.
00:12:22.000 And you is ju, which I understand, that's like one, right? 0.98
00:12:26.000 You is ju.
00:12:27.000 Should have gotten is su-ga. 1.00
00:12:31.000 Ju, su-ga, bi-ba. 1.00
00:12:35.000 I learned to speak, you know, the Puerto Rican version of English.
00:12:39.000 What do they call Ebonics now?
00:12:40.000 It's like Ave, African American Vernacular English.
00:12:44.000 There's Puerto Rican Vernacular in English.
00:12:46.000 I think it's called Purve.
00:12:49.000 I speak Purve.
00:12:52.000 When you'd call the Northside Taxi Service in Williamsburg, too, they go, I need a car to pick me up at $276,000.
00:12:58.000 Okay, uh, pay me.
00:13:03.000 You are going to send me a disgruntled pie? 0.97
00:13:07.000 No, pie meanie is five minutes.
00:13:10.000 Fuh is too hard.
00:13:11.000 So all constants are like puh, puh, puh, puh.
00:13:14.000 Just because it's a billionth of a percent easier to make a buh or a puh sound than it is to make a fuh or a vuh sound. 0.87
00:13:21.000 So they just go pie meanie.
00:13:23.000 And minutes, the T, I'm not going to bother with a T. I'm just going to say meanie.
00:13:27.000 Pie meanie. 0.98
00:13:29.000 Anyway, this bitch calls me up because I owe her money. 1.00
00:13:32.000 I owe her boss money. 0.99
00:13:33.000 And she goes, uh, yes, CABBY EIN.
00:13:35.000 So the G is a C, CAB B, V is a B, the I, and then we make it to the I, and we go, Jesus Christ, I've been slogging through this first name for almost five letters now.
00:13:48.000 I'm done.
00:13:48.000 I'm done.
00:13:49.000 I don't care if there's an N at the end. 0.97
00:13:51.000 I'm out.
00:13:51.000 Peace.
00:13:52.000 So they go, CABBY.
00:13:54.000 All right.
00:13:55.000 And then
00:13:56.000 There's a weird mick, and this pisses me off, by the way, because the Scots invented the modern world. 1.00
00:14:01.000 So I understand you're from Puerto Rico or wherever you're from, but you should know Scottish last names because we built the room you're sitting in.
00:14:10.000 So at least revere us.
00:14:11.000 You know, stonemasons, all stonework, all these stones you see, big old churches and big important city hall buildings.
00:14:18.000 That's us.
00:14:19.000 So know how to say our last names.
00:14:21.000 But there's a thing called perceptual blindness, where they say that the Indians, when they first saw the ships, the Spanish ships, they didn't recognize them.
00:14:32.000 They couldn't see them.
00:14:35.000 And the argument is that their brains couldn't handle the fact that there was these giant buildings on the water, so their brains just sort of shut it off.
00:14:44.000 Now, I don't know how you quantify this.
00:14:46.000 How can you prove that Indians couldn't see ships back then?
00:14:50.000 But it's an interesting theory.
00:14:51.000 I think your brain does sort of patch things in.
00:14:56.000 That's why you can sort of, there's that cool those, you know, the splatter drawings where if you just relax your eyes you see like a penguin riding a horse.
00:15:03.000 By the way, I've never seen one of those.
00:15:06.000 Those don't work on me.
00:15:07.000 I've stared frustrated for hours and my dad, who's not creative in the least, he couldn't draw a stick man.
00:15:13.000 He's just like, oh, that's a man holding an axe.
00:15:17.000 And he can see them instantly. 0.99
00:15:18.000 I can't fucking see them. 1.00
00:15:20.000 It would drive me insane. 0.99
00:15:21.000 I'd be staring at this paint splatters and I couldn't see the penguin on the horse.
00:15:25.000 And he's just like, that's a penguin on a horse.
00:15:27.000 That's a man holding an axe.
00:15:28.000 That's a boat.
00:15:29.000 That's a light bulb.
00:15:30.000 That's someone eating a banana.
00:15:32.000 It would drive me nuts!
00:15:34.000 Anyway, so it's conceivable that they had perceptual blindness.
00:15:38.000 And I think these Puerto Ricans, when they say Gavin McInnes, they get perceptual blindness because the Mic ceases to be. 0.99
00:15:46.000 That must be a middle name.
00:15:47.000 It's got a lowercase c next to a capital and there's another capital there.
00:15:51.000 So I don't see the MC.
00:15:52.000 I'm just going to, just like I gave up on the N, I'm not going to start again until I get to the I. So I'm taking a piece out. 0.96
00:15:59.000 I'm having a cigarette break while I read your name.
00:16:03.000 So we go CABBY, cigarette break, INES.
00:16:07.000 And they're so illiterate that they don't know that two N's means a hard vowel after.
00:16:13.000 So it's I-N-E-S. 1.00
00:16:14.000 It's the same to them as I-N-N-E-S. 1.00
00:16:18.000 My kids went to a Puerto Rican school.
00:16:19.000 I know this is pretty racist, but I'm just telling you things that I saw with my own eyes.
00:16:24.000 My kids went to a Puerto Rican public school when we lived in Williamsburg.
00:16:28.000 Jesus Lord, it was a mess.
00:16:31.000 My son had a broken arm, which I don't really think he had.
00:16:34.000 I think a technician thought he saw a hairline fracture and said, let's just put a cast on it so we don't get sued.
00:16:40.000 So my poor son had to wear a cast for like five weeks for no reason. 0.99
00:16:44.000 Anyway, I heard that they were keeping him inside at lunch because they didn't want to damage the cast, which is idiotic. 0.99
00:16:51.000 A cast, an arm with a cast is stronger than a human arm. 0.98
00:16:55.000 And I want my kids to play.
00:16:57.000 I don't even want my kids going to school, by the way. 1.00
00:16:58.000 I'd rather they played all day and didn't sit in your fucking stupid chair and learn your bullshit, terrible Marxist crap about how Martin Luther King hated guns and we stole this land from the Indians. 1.00
00:17:11.000 And so he goes, yeah, the teacher said I'm not allowed outside. 1.00
00:17:14.000 And I go, what?
00:17:15.000 So I go to the school and I go, my son is fine with a cast.
00:17:18.000 He's not going to get snow in it. 1.00
00:17:20.000 Make sure he can fucking play you stupid bitches. 1.00
00:17:22.000 I didn't quite phrase it like that. 1.00
00:17:24.000 This is a school, by the way, I think I mentioned this in another podcast where we all received a notice that said, please stop dropping your children off while wearing pajamas and smelling of illegal drugs.
00:17:35.000 That was actually a notice we got.
00:17:37.000 This is part of why I moved, by the way.
00:17:39.000 And so what happened after that?
00:17:42.000 Oh, the teacher kept my son in class at lunch and told him not to tell me.
00:17:49.000 That's the solution to their problem.
00:17:50.000 That's education in America. 1.00
00:17:52.000 Just a bunch of dumb union fucks drowned in self-empowerment who preach union politics, Marxism, and garbage communist crap to our children. 1.00
00:18:02.000 And they don't know anything themselves and they don't, they can't be fired. 1.00
00:18:06.000 That's the deal breaker with any teacher argument where they go,
00:18:09.000 They work so hard, and it's our children's future.
00:18:12.000 Just say to them, well then why can't they be fired?
00:18:14.000 It usually ends the argument, because they can't argue against that.
00:18:17.000 You cannot fire a teacher. 0.95
00:18:19.000 They'd have to kill a student.
00:18:20.000 Anyway, sorry, I'm off on a total tangent there. 0.99
00:18:23.000 I still gotta get back to Torontonians and sex, but... So, yeah, she tells him not to tell me.
00:18:33.000 So she's encouraging him to lie.
00:18:34.000 This is a thing.
00:18:35.000 Tucker Carlson had this on his show.
00:18:36.000 The schools were...
00:18:39.000 Telling kids that you can be a girl in school and we won't tell your parents. 1.00
00:18:43.000 So boys can go into school and say hi I'm Sandra and be a gay lord all day and the parents are not allowed to know that their student is actually a different gender while at school.
00:18:54.000 Great idea guys.
00:18:56.000 Good stuff.
00:18:58.000 One time, my daughter received on her homework, no merkers. 0.99
00:19:02.000 This is PS 84, by the way, in Williamsburg.
00:19:05.000 PS, sorry, no merkers.
00:19:07.000 M-E-R-K-E-R-S. 1.00
00:19:09.000 The teacher could not spell the word markers.
00:19:12.000 Another time, my son got a note on his homework.
00:19:15.000 It said, you're awesome!
00:19:18.000 Exclamation mark.
00:19:19.000 Y-O-U-R. 1.00
00:19:22.000 Now, if Mercers and Your Awesome doesn't look unusual to you, you don't read.
00:19:27.000 So you're not used to words.
00:19:29.000 Like my dad saying that John, his friend John, was to the left of mayo.
00:19:35.000 He's clearly never heard the word mal before.
00:19:39.000 Anyway.
00:19:41.000 That's my eyeball you're hearing.
00:19:42.000 Listen to this. 0.52
00:19:47.000 I'm not having sex. 0.66
00:19:49.000 I'm rubbing my eye.
00:19:51.000 I'm twirling my hair and brushing my teeth. 1.00
00:19:56.000 So yeah, Toronto girls suck in bed. 1.00
00:20:01.000 And I have a theory. 0.99
00:20:02.000 I discussed this with Milo Yiannopoulos and he's assured me this is a good theory. 0.99
00:20:06.000 You suck in bed if you're not Mediterranean. 1.00
00:20:13.000 Uh, well, Gavin, that's not true. 1.00
00:20:15.000 You fucked tons of chicks in Ottawa, Canada. 1.00
00:20:18.000 Yes, I did. 1.00
00:20:19.000 Ottawa is a government town where you have to be bilingual.
00:20:23.000 That means they import people from Quebec.
00:20:26.000 Where is Quebec from?
00:20:27.000 Quebec, the Québécois, are originally from France.
00:20:31.000 France is on the Mediterranean. 0.97
00:20:33.000 Did you know that blowjobs were invented in France? 0.99
00:20:36.000 The reason that we have blowjobs in this country is the World War II soldiers were with French harlots during the war, and these harlots were putting the soldiers' penises in their mouths. 1.00
00:20:48.000 And they went, wow, that feels almost as good as a vagina. 1.00
00:20:51.000 Let's do it. 1.00
00:20:52.000 So they went back and said, there's a thing called blowjobs. 1.00
00:20:55.000 And then bang, now blowjobs are a thing. 0.99
00:20:57.000 So we can thank the French for BJs, but I think more importantly, we can thank the French for good sex. 0.99
00:21:03.000 They've got a good attitude. 0.99
00:21:04.000 They're not great with fidelity.
00:21:06.000 They always cheat on their wives. 1.00
00:21:07.000 But besides that, they're very good at fucking. 1.00
00:21:11.000 And so Quebec, all of Quebec is Sex Central. 1.00
00:21:15.000 I did very well there.
00:21:16.000 I had every STD in the book, including venereal warts.
00:21:19.000 So many times the guy almost ran out of liquid nitrogen.
00:21:22.000 One time I was going there having my venereal warts blasted, which is just, he sprays you with this like, you know the thing that cleans your keyboard, that compressed air?
00:21:30.000 He had that, but it had like a needle, kind of a spray nozzle.
00:21:35.000 And he'd just go,
00:21:37.000 And he'd spray, like, a molecule of liquid nitrogen.
00:21:40.000 It hurts like hell, but it's just for a millisecond.
00:21:42.000 And that freezes it, and then it falls off.
00:21:45.000 And I had, like, four.
00:21:48.000 It was an epidemic in Montreal.
00:21:49.000 In fact, the guy had—the canister he had, he goes, this used to last me about five years.
00:21:55.000 I go through one a week now.
00:21:58.000 It sounds kind of fun, like a video game.
00:22:01.000 And I go, this is a pretty bad case, huh?
00:22:03.000 And he goes, this is nothing.
00:22:06.000 He goes, I had a case of venereal warts. 0.98
00:22:09.000 Gays. 0.99
00:22:10.000 It was a clinic that was mostly gay. 0.94
00:22:11.000 It was called Clinique Alternative on Berry Street near the bus station in Montreal, near the Cheval Blanc. 1.00
00:22:20.000 And he said he had a guy who had so many veneer awards on his dick that he thought, I think the easier thing here to do is to dip his dick in liquid nitrogen. 0.99
00:22:32.000 The whole thing was a hundred percent scab. 1.00
00:22:34.000 So rather than go...
00:22:38.000 Just dip it in.
00:22:39.000 So he dipped it in.
00:22:41.000 That whole outer layer dies and then you remove it like a scab sheath. 1.00
00:22:49.000 And then you have Freddy's face basically for a dick. 0.98
00:22:51.000 But I guess that eventually heals up. 0.99
00:22:53.000 You probably have tons of like much thicker scar skin or something. 1.00
00:22:59.000 He also told me about a gay who had so many veneer awards on his butthole that he couldn't shit. 1.00
00:23:03.000 It was like, it looked like a bunch of cauliflowers that were around the anal area. 1.00
00:23:12.000 Anyway, that's how great Quebec is, and that's Mediterranean. 0.95
00:23:15.000 Greeks, right? 1.00
00:23:16.000 They invented butt sex and homosexuality, unfortunately. 1.00
00:23:20.000 But Italians, great and bad. 1.00
00:23:26.000 The French, the south of France. 1.00
00:23:27.000 Germans are terrible. 0.99
00:23:29.000 They don't have access to the Mediterranean. 0.98
00:23:32.000 The Brits visit France a lot, but they're still... I mean, they're alcoholics, so you can bed them, but they're not really talented in the art of lovemaking.
00:23:43.000 Now, Toronto is in Ontario.
00:23:46.000 It's an English province.
00:23:48.000 Toronto is about a six-hour drive from Quebec.
00:23:51.000 There's very little government services there, which means very little French people. 0.86
00:23:56.000 And that means terrible sex. 0.95
00:24:00.000 So don't even hit on a girl in Toronto. 0.98
00:24:04.000 You're not going to get her into bed.
00:24:06.000 And if you do, it'll be one of the worst experiences of your life.
00:24:08.000 And this is well described in my book, The Death of Cool, which I highly recommend. 0.91
00:24:12.000 It's an apolitical book of silly stories.
00:24:15.000 And I talk about a girl who, um, 0.74
00:24:18.000 Her currency was going... She was like an unbelievable babe when I was in high school. 1.00
00:24:26.000 Totally out of my league.
00:24:27.000 Just unthinkable.
00:24:29.000 And that's fine.
00:24:30.000 But, over time, she started to gain weight, and got older, and then I started vice, and I had status. 0.79
00:24:36.000 So, by the time I was like 27, I had matched her.
00:24:42.000 I caught her on the downward. 0.99
00:24:44.000 She was coming down, and I was going up.
00:24:46.000 And our stocks met. 1.00
00:24:47.000 And I thought, holy shit, I can fuck Jen Criscombe. 1.00
00:24:53.000 So I met her at a bar, and it was sort of like unwritten. 1.00
00:24:57.000 It was like, look, I know that my stock is down.
00:24:59.000 It was just free market capitalism.
00:25:01.000 Your stock is up. 1.00
00:25:02.000 I guess you can finally fuck me. 1.00
00:25:05.000 And I had a few beers with her. 1.00
00:25:06.000 She was very boring. 0.99
00:25:07.000 I was with Derek Beckholz at the time.
00:25:10.000 He took home his girl. 0.99
00:25:11.000 By the way, Derek, I've been shit-talking a lot about him. 0.99
00:25:15.000 He always liked to take advantage of the fact that he's black and go, it's so hard for me. 1.00
00:25:19.000 It's so horrible. 0.98
00:25:21.000 Uh, one time we were tree planting together and he was abnormally good, like a freak.
00:25:25.000 A lot of mulattoes are great tree planters for some reason.
00:25:28.000 Hybrid vigor maybe.
00:25:30.000 But he was planting honestly three times better than anyone else.
00:25:33.000 So the owner thought he was hiding trees because 99% of the time that's the case when someone has those kind of numbers.
00:25:39.000 So we all counted his trees.
00:25:43.000 Turns out he wasn't stashing trees, he's just the most talented person in the history of tree planting.
00:25:47.000 So he got hysterical and he even made the owner of the company cry. 0.96
00:25:51.000 He's like, 100 years ago I would have been a lynch nigger! 1.00
00:25:57.000 But every time I was with Derek, he always got any pussy he wanted. 1.00
00:26:01.000 I think it was White Gilder, I don't know what it was, but he would do this thing where he'd put his arm down next to the girl, and they'd look at each other's skin tones, and he's a deliciously colored man, he's mochaccino. 1.00
00:26:12.000 And he would say, what color do you think our kids would be?
00:26:14.000 I guess in between this and this.
00:26:16.000 So you're showing a lady a gorgeous forearm that's Frappuccino colored, and she feels white guilt.
00:26:22.000 She wants to be more Frappa. 0.93
00:26:24.000 And that would be his pickup line.
00:26:25.000 Anyway, Derek did great.
00:26:26.000 Took her home.
00:26:27.000 Peace out.
00:26:27.000 See you later.
00:26:29.000 Enjoy your fucking. 1.00
00:26:31.000 I took my dream girl back to her place, and I'm allergic to cats, so that's already a problem because I feel myself breaking out in hives when I show up at her place because she has cats. 1.00
00:26:41.000 And she looked great. 0.98
00:26:42.000 She had high heel shoes on and a big fat ass, which was ironic because that was what was taking down her stock. 1.00
00:26:48.000 Meanwhile, I'm like, you're worth ten times 0.99
00:26:50.000 Your shares are up, as far as I'm concerned. 1.00
00:26:52.000 You have a big, fat ass. 1.00
00:26:53.000 But, you know, Toronto's full of a lot of homo, beta male guys, and they want their girls to look like 12-year-old boys. 1.00
00:27:01.000 So, uh... She's got high heel shoes on. 0.98
00:27:05.000 I hate when girls do this. 1.00
00:27:06.000 The second she got home, she kicked them off.
00:27:08.000 Girls do this at Fox News, too. 1.00
00:27:10.000 Like, okay, that's a wrap.
00:27:12.000 Good show, guys.
00:27:12.000 Boom!
00:27:13.000 Put on the flats.
00:27:15.000 Like, can you not kill the illusion so fast?
00:27:18.000 Like Kennedy.
00:27:19.000 Kennedy on Fox Business, I adore her. 0.96
00:27:21.000 I worship the ground she walks on. 0.99
00:27:23.000 I would kill anyone who farted in the same building as her. 1.00
00:27:27.000 However, she looks like a fucking eight on TV with her stilettos and her little tight dresses. 1.00
00:27:34.000 The second 0.99
00:27:36.000 The lights come down, boom, she puts on clogs, wipes off her makeup, puts her hair in a bun, and has like lululemons and a muumuu.
00:27:43.000 I'm not even exaggerating.
00:27:46.000 Can you not do that at home, please?
00:27:49.000 Can you stop killing the illusion all the time?
00:27:52.000 Even, like, if my wife's gonna wear a saucy outfit, I don't want to be there for the putting on of the fishnets. 1.00
00:27:58.000 That's none of my beeswax.
00:27:59.000 I want to see the final result, and I want you to stay like that for as long as possible.
00:28:02.000 I wish my wife slept in high-heel shoes, to be honest. 1.00
00:28:06.000 Not gonna happen.
00:28:08.000 But yeah, so she gets home, she kicks off her high heels,
00:28:12.000 And then she goes, I gotta change.
00:28:13.000 And she goes and puts on sweatpants and a white t-shirt.
00:28:17.000 Which is fine.
00:28:18.000 I'm a horny dude. 0.99
00:28:19.000 I mean, I think girls look good covered in abortions. 1.00
00:28:21.000 But, uh, that's kind of a bummer.
00:28:24.000 You know, I'm wearing a suit.
00:28:26.000 Uh, okay.
00:28:26.000 Well, I'm glad we're doing hot yoga now.
00:28:30.000 And, uh, we start horsing around.
00:28:32.000 She's not into it, of course, because I'm hideous. 0.94
00:28:34.000 I look like Wilford Brimley with AIDS. 0.97
00:28:36.000 Or Donald Sutherland with AIDS.
00:28:38.000 But sorry, we're doing an exchange here.
00:28:40.000 Your stock is down, lady. 1.00
00:28:43.000 So we start horsing around and it's not going great.
00:28:46.000 Plus, it's weird to kiss me.
00:28:48.000 I don't think girls are used to making out with a mustache and a beard. 1.00
00:28:51.000 So if I was just like to grab you, any ladies listening, all the three ladies out there listening to this, if I was just to grab you, even if you were into me, 1.00
00:28:59.000 And I was just like... You'd feel my mustache hairs go up into your nostrils and tickle the inside of your nose.
00:29:08.000 It's not a pleasant experience.
00:29:09.000 It's like French kissing a walrus who was just passed out on a barbershop floor. 0.68
00:29:14.000 You just get these weird errant hairs prickling you and going into your face. 0.99
00:29:18.000 It sucks. 0.93
00:29:22.000 So she's not enjoying that I assume. 0.99
00:29:23.000 No woman. 1.00
00:29:24.000 Even my wife doesn't like to kiss me. 1.00
00:29:27.000 Which sucks. 0.98
00:29:28.000 I'd like to make out with someone, please. 0.98
00:29:29.000 I like Frenching.
00:29:31.000 I did it my entire adolescence.
00:29:33.000 Those girls would make us—we would neck—we called it necking in Canada—we would neck for like five hours. 1.00
00:29:40.000 In exchange to touch one tit.
00:29:43.000 It was the least fair deal in the history of business.
00:29:47.000 But we took it because supply and demand.
00:29:50.000 The demand was high, the supply was low.
00:29:52.000 So we would French kiss.
00:29:55.000 Listening to Stairway to Heaven on repeat for 1.00
00:29:58.000 Fucking five hours. 0.99
00:30:00.000 Jesus Lord, it was torture. 0.99
00:30:03.000 And then we just get to touch a tit.
00:30:04.000 No fingering.
00:30:06.000 Remember you try to finger them?
00:30:07.000 This is also in my book.
00:30:09.000 In the 80s, the girls had skin-tight jeans on. 1.00
00:30:12.000 Literally skin-tight.
00:30:13.000 So it's not like you could get down in some sweatpants and get some good fingering going on.
00:30:17.000 You would push your hand down and rake around your fingers in some pubes. 0.97
00:30:21.000 In fact, 1.00
00:30:22.000 Me and James Hunter were both convinced that our girlfriends had no vagina at all. 1.00
00:30:27.000 Because we reached down there and we felt through the pubes and we felt no hole. 1.00
00:30:33.000 And we also thought, back when you're 14, you think a vagina is where a penis is. 0.99
00:30:37.000 It's just right there. 1.00
00:30:38.000 It's actually where the butthole is. 0.95
00:30:40.000 It's at the other end, guys. 0.86
00:30:43.000 Anyway, I'm just repeating my book.
00:30:44.000 This is all.
00:30:45.000 You got to get the audio version of my book, too, because there's music and stuff during the music scenes.
00:30:50.000 I had a hell of a time, by the way, getting an Asian.
00:30:53.000 No voice actors would do an Asian voice because they were worried about it being racist.
00:30:58.000 That's the one voice.
00:30:58.000 You can do Jamaican, Scottish, any voice at all.
00:31:01.000 African.
00:31:01.000 You cannot do a Chinese voice if you're a voice actor.
00:31:04.000 So I ended up hiring a Chinese woman who sucked shit at acting. 1.00
00:31:10.000 Just because that's the only person I could get. 0.99
00:31:12.000 So she did the five Chinese lines in the book.
00:31:16.000 And she was just terrible.
00:31:17.000 Like, I probably could have done a better Chinese woman than you, and I'm not a Chinese woman you are. 1.00
00:31:25.000 Anyway, so we go to bed and I go to eat her out.
00:31:32.000 No, she's not into that. 1.00
00:31:33.000 She will perform fellatio if I put on a condom. 1.00
00:31:38.000 No, I'm not doing that. 1.00
00:31:39.000 I would, if someone wanted me to give a piece of shit a blowjob, a frozen piece of shit, then I would say maybe if you put a condom on it, I'll do it as a joke for 20 bucks. 1.00
00:31:50.000 Um, that's a frozen piece of shit. 1.00
00:31:52.000 My dick is not a frozen piece of shit. 1.00
00:31:54.000 In fact, if you're not thrilled about the idea of doing that, then I don't want you to do that. 0.99
00:32:00.000 I'm not looking for any favors, thank you very much.
00:32:02.000 I want you to be crying because you're so honored.
00:32:06.000 Which is why you get married, by the way.
00:32:08.000 Because you get to an age where no woman in the world is gonna be like that for you. 0.51
00:32:12.000 So you realize, alright, I gotta cash out my chips.
00:32:16.000 Women don't want me anymore. 1.00
00:32:19.000 When I got married, there was a dry eye in the house. 1.00
00:32:23.000 There was not a pussy riot when I told the ladies that I'm hanging up my cock spurs. 1.00
00:32:30.000 Believe it or not, they got over it. 0.99
00:32:32.000 I've always said I've always been faithful to my wife, but it's not for want of trying.
00:32:37.000 They're not exactly kicking down the front door.
00:32:43.000 There's no demand for battering rams over at the McInnes house.
00:32:47.000 They're like, you keep him, Emily, he's all yours.
00:32:51.000 My wife gets to keep me all to herself. 1.00
00:32:55.000 My wife has not been concerned about infidelity once, ever.
00:32:59.000 Doesn't come up.
00:33:03.000 Anywho. 0.97
00:33:06.000 So we go there and, yeah, the blowjob thing, and that's not going to happen. 0.97
00:33:09.000 Sorry, I'm not looking for any favors. 1.00
00:33:13.000 And then she goes, all right, well, I guess I'll masturbate you or something. 1.00
00:33:17.000 Something really unsexy like that. 1.00
00:33:19.000 Like, just say jerk it off. 0.99
00:33:21.000 Don't say anything. 0.99
00:33:22.000 Don't talk during sex.
00:33:24.000 You can't concentrate. 1.00
00:33:25.000 You know how many times I've said to a girl, I want to cum on my tits? 1.00
00:33:29.000 You get everything wrong. 1.00
00:33:31.000 I've never jumped out of a plane, but I imagine if you tried to talk during that, you would fuck up what you're trying to say. 0.87
00:33:39.000 I brought a camera, I went scuba diving.
00:33:43.000 and I brought a camera with me an underwater camera and I couldn't take pictures because I was so it takes so much concentration and it's so freaky and you have to breathe like
00:33:59.000 As you see things you've never seen before.
00:34:01.000 You're in Mars. 1.00
00:34:02.000 You can see for miles under the fucking ocean. 1.00
00:34:06.000 I can see a scuba diver literally three miles away. 1.00
00:34:09.000 Just floating 50 feet below the surface.
00:34:12.000 Just floating there.
00:34:13.000 I can see him.
00:34:14.000 Way over there.
00:34:15.000 It would take me an hour to get to him.
00:34:16.000 I can see him.
00:34:18.000 So your brain is just overwhelmed.
00:34:21.000 And the idea that you can take out the pick and take some snaps, I mean, no.
00:34:24.000 You're just trying to stay alive and not have a panic attack.
00:34:27.000 It's very, very freaky.
00:34:29.000 And by the way, while you're freaking out, a turtle rides by.
00:34:32.000 Hey, dude.
00:34:34.000 Uh, hello.
00:34:35.000 Oh, first time scuba diving?
00:34:38.000 Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah, it is.
00:34:41.000 Just chill out, man.
00:34:42.000 You'll get it.
00:34:42.000 You'll get it.
00:34:44.000 Holy fucking shit. 1.00
00:34:47.000 A super chill turtle just drove by. 1.00
00:34:51.000 It was like that Red Hot Chili Peppers song, Myrtle the Turtle.
00:34:56.000 I'm doing really adventurous comedy here.
00:34:59.000 You guys are getting a good show.
00:35:00.000 I'm really going for it here.
00:35:02.000 I just have to do that drop the mic thing where... And then he fell! 1.00
00:35:11.000 So... She says something like that, like, I'll masturbate you. 1.00
00:35:16.000 And then she says, and this is the name of the chapter in the book, Circles or Strokes. 0.99
00:35:20.000 Circles or Strokes.
00:35:24.000 And then I went to bed.
00:35:25.000 You ever do this?
00:35:26.000 I went to bed in a rage.
00:35:28.000 Like the same way you'd punch a hole in the wall or kick something across the room.
00:35:32.000 I did that, but it was sleeping. 0.99
00:35:34.000 So I fucking whipped over to the side and slammed against the bed and closed my eyes and went to sleep in a rage! 1.00
00:35:42.000 Fuck you! 1.00
00:35:44.000 With my big stupid back tattoo pointing at her. 1.00
00:35:47.000 Yeah, stare at this dead jellyfish eating Chunk I Shack and Fidel Castro, you bitch! 1.00
00:35:53.000 Stare at that! 1.00
00:35:55.000 And then woke up in a rage, like six hours later.
00:35:58.000 Put on my pants and my shoes.
00:36:01.000 Got out of there. 0.99
00:36:03.000 What the fuck was that? 1.00
00:36:05.000 That wasn't her fault. 1.00
00:36:06.000 That was Toronto.
00:36:08.000 That was a non-Mediterranean culture. 0.97
00:36:12.000 And you have to avoid it at all costs.
00:36:14.000 I've never had sex with a Midwesterner, but according to this theory, it's probably pretty bad if they don't have access to the Mediterranean.
00:36:22.000 And it's possible, by the way, that God wanted us all to be Mediterranean.
00:36:27.000 I mean, the Fertile Crescent begins and ends around the Mediterranean, does it not?
00:36:33.000 So he put the arable land there.
00:36:36.000 He put all the good stuff, the beauty there.
00:36:38.000 Look at the Romans.
00:36:39.000 They discovered civilization.
00:36:42.000 They invented democracy.
00:36:43.000 That was all around the Mediterranean.
00:36:46.000 All the great philosophers, the foundations of our society, the whole idea of freedom was around the Mediterranean.
00:36:52.000 I guess Israel's not on the Mediterranean, but...
00:36:54.000 Isn't it kind of near it?
00:36:55.000 I can't picture Israel right now for some reason.
00:36:58.000 It's in China? 0.99
00:36:59.000 Where the fuck did they stick Israel? 1.00
00:37:00.000 It's in the Middle East, I guess. 0.99
00:37:03.000 I feel like it's kind of near the Mediterranean.
00:37:05.000 This is embarrassing.
00:37:05.000 I cannot pinpoint where the Mediterranean is with respect to Israel.
00:37:09.000 I know Israel's in the Middle East, obviously.
00:37:11.000 I've been there, and I've been to the Mediterranean, but I seem to think they're linked somehow.
00:37:15.000 Maybe people went from the Bible to the Mediterranean.
00:37:20.000 Here's another thing.
00:37:21.000 You know what a centenarian is?
00:37:24.000 Someone who's over 100 years old?
00:37:25.000 They have discovered that centenarians have a certain Venn diagram where they all have certain things in common.
00:37:31.000 And those things are... They tend to be around islands.
00:37:39.000 They tend to be around fish.
00:37:42.000 And they are surrounded with their great-grandchildren.
00:37:48.000 And with all these factors, not only do they live over 100, they avoid senility and dementia.
00:37:53.000 There's something about old people being around their great-grandchildren where they stave off dementia and senility.
00:37:59.000 I know that sounds kooky, but look it up.
00:38:02.000 New York Times had a big article about it, one of the few articles they had that was true.
00:38:07.000 Yeah, centenarians are around their great-grandchildren.
00:38:09.000 There's even cases of senility
00:38:11.000 And dementia and Alzheimer's reversing after these people were around their great-grandchildren.
00:38:17.000 And I honestly believe that's God sending a message, which is stick the families together.
00:38:24.000 When you see that you have great-grandchildren, we reward you with endorphins.
00:38:28.000 And we go, good job, dude.
00:38:31.000 You didn't just make kids.
00:38:31.000 Anyone can make kids.
00:38:32.000 But when you make kids kids, that's a very special thing where God goes,
00:38:38.000 Excellent work, dude.
00:38:40.000 You really nailed it. 0.99
00:38:41.000 You didn't just jizz in some some prostitute and she kept the baby. 1.00
00:38:47.000 You made a lineage. 1.00
00:38:49.000 Now we're really coasting.
00:38:50.000 Now they're gonna have grandchildren and now we're good.
00:38:53.000 Good work, dude.
00:38:55.000 And I think that's why it reverses Alzheimer's.
00:38:57.000 Now what else is around fish and islands and great-grandchildren?
00:39:01.000 The Mediterranean.
00:39:03.000 I'm sorry, I know this hurts me as a Scot and a Canadian and an American, but I think the Mediterranean is God's favorite place and sex is a great reward and the farther you are away from the Mediterranean, the farther you're away from God, the farther you are away from good sex.
00:39:22.000 Here's a little anecdote I'll give you because we're running out of time.
00:39:26.000 No, a guy went on a date.
00:39:28.000 It was like a Tinder date, whatever.
00:39:30.000 I don't know what, eHarmony, whatever they use now.
00:39:33.000 He's a millennial.
00:39:34.000 And she shows up.
00:39:35.000 This is in Toronto.
00:39:37.000 She shows up and she goes, you got money for coke? 1.00
00:39:40.000 Well, cocaine is, uh, it's not Gavin McInnes' day where it was a $20 bag.
00:39:45.000 It's now an $80 vial.
00:39:47.000 But, uh, yeah, I guess I can call a guy.
00:39:49.000 I'll call a guy who knows a guy.
00:39:50.000 Yeah, we should get some.
00:39:52.000 Okay.
00:39:53.000 They haven't even had a drink yet.
00:39:55.000 So he buys cocaine.
00:39:59.000 Uh, 80 bucks.
00:40:00.000 The guy shows up.
00:40:00.000 By the way, you're committing a felony right now.
00:40:03.000 That's a big pain in the ass. 0.99
00:40:04.000 And it's not really the thing you do when you first meet someone. 0.99
00:40:06.000 Like, I'd imagine, all right, it's our third date.
00:40:08.000 Let's try some cocaine.
00:40:09.000 Okay.
00:40:10.000 Whatever floats your boat.
00:40:11.000 But, like, hi, my name's Sandra.
00:40:13.000 Do you have any cocaine?
00:40:15.000 Alright, so he gets some.
00:40:17.000 He shouldn't have, by the way. 1.00
00:40:17.000 I would just say fuck you and end the date. 1.00
00:40:20.000 But, um, he gets some. 1.00
00:40:21.000 Then they have beer.
00:40:22.000 Then they have dinner.
00:40:24.000 And after dinner, so he's paying for this, she goes to the bathroom, does a few bumps, I assume, and then she comes back and she goes, oh, I dropped it in the toilet.
00:40:34.000 What?
00:40:35.000 I dropped it in the toilet.
00:40:36.000 It's gone.
00:40:39.000 Now what he should have said is, well, it's a glass vial. 0.51
00:40:41.000 It's going to fuck up the plumbing. 0.90
00:40:42.000 Let's get the manager. 0.84
00:40:43.000 We don't want to ruin their toilets because she's clearly lying. 1.00
00:40:47.000 But he went, oh, fuck. 1.00
00:40:48.000 Okay. 1.00
00:40:49.000 And then, because he's used to it, he's used to dating Toronto girls.
00:40:52.000 And then the bill comes and he figures, well, she's obviously going to pay for this because she just blew our Coke.
00:40:58.000 And nope, that doesn't happen.
00:41:00.000 So he pays for the meal.
00:41:02.000 That's probably another 80 bucks, right?
00:41:04.000 He said 160 down.
00:41:05.000 And they're walking back. 1.00
00:41:06.000 Now, I know the specials have a song called The Boiler about this notion that you bought a girl dinner and you get to fuck her and that's the deal. 1.00
00:41:14.000 Of course that's not the deal. 0.99
00:41:16.000 No one's saying that.
00:41:17.000 That you legally get to bone her.
00:41:19.000 But... it's kind of an agreed thing where if you blow a bunch of money and then you're on a date and you guys are getting along and they're probably gonna be smashing around.
00:41:28.000 You don't deserve it.
00:41:30.000 No one's saying that.
00:41:30.000 It's not your right.
00:41:32.000 But it's kind of a thing.
00:41:34.000 And so they're getting close to the house, and he goes, wouldn't mind, maybe I'll come up, smoke a joint?
00:41:37.000 She goes, no, no, I don't think that's gonna work out.
00:41:39.000 He goes, oh, come on, I'll just come up, have a beer.
00:41:41.000 No, I don't want you to.
00:41:42.000 Well, come on, look, for two seconds, just come in, say hi.
00:41:45.000 I'm gonna see your place.
00:41:47.000 No, look, I actually told you no twice now, and this is getting really uncomfortable, and I'm not feeling safe right now.
00:41:55.000 And he goes, alright, bye.
00:41:56.000 Just turns around and walks home.
00:41:58.000 That is Toronto dates in a nutshell.
00:42:01.000 Don't do them. 1.00
00:42:02.000 If you live in Toronto, Ontario, then only fuck girls where you can somehow link them to the Mediterranean. 1.00
00:42:08.000 And that can be five degrees of separation. 0.99
00:42:10.000 But if they are totally and utterly separable from the Mediterranean, do not waste your time.
00:42:18.000 The other thing you should not waste your time with, by the way, is a crappy holster.
00:42:22.000 WeThePeopleHolsters.com has incredible holsters that have adjustable cant and ride, so you can adjust how it goes in your pants.
00:42:31.000 Now, that's not a big deal to skinny gentlemen, but tubbies like myself, we like to be able to adjust it so our bellies don't get in the way. 0.78
00:42:39.000 You can also pee your pants when you have a WeThePupilHolster.com holster, and it won't affect the holster.
00:42:46.000 It's plastic.
00:42:46.000 It's waterproof.
00:42:47.000 You could throw it off a building, then kick it down the street, then kill its entire family, and then have it raised in Abu Ghirab, and then change its identity, have it grow up as a Muslim holster, go to Mecca, start a new family, 1.00
00:43:03.000 Pick it up, put it back in your pants, it fits your gun like a glove. 0.99
00:43:07.000 With a tight, so tight, with a fit so tight it'll make you leave your wife. 1.00
00:43:12.000 And if you go to WeThePeopleHolsters.com and put in the code word GAVIN, you get $10 off.
00:43:16.000 So it's no longer $34, now it's $24.
00:43:19.000 I'm worried about the levels on this podcast, it's looking very low.
00:43:24.000 Maybe that sound tech can come in and ruin the end of my podcast like he ruined the beginning.
00:43:30.000 I also have to promote CRTV.com against my will.
00:43:34.000 I don't want to do this guys, but they are forcing me to make you go to CRTV.com and sign up for my show, Get Off My Lawn.
00:43:42.000 We just had a very gay episode 1.00
00:43:45.000 Of CRTV Tonight, which is another show I do on that network.
00:43:48.000 I do two shows.
00:43:49.000 And we made it the all-gay episode. 0.99
00:43:51.000 We had The Gay Who Strayed. 1.00
00:43:53.000 This is Friday night, tonight, this is airing.
00:43:55.000 The Gay Who Strayed. 1.00
00:43:56.000 She's on Instagram as The Gay Who Strayed. 0.96
00:43:59.000 And she's a broad who came out as a lesbian and no one cared. 1.00
00:44:03.000 Came out as a pro-Trump person and everyone hates her. 0.96
00:44:07.000 It's harder. 0.99
00:44:07.000 You'll hear this time and time again with Republican gays. 0.99
00:44:11.000 It's harder to come out as pro-Trump than gay. 1.00
00:44:13.000 In fact, I think it's kind of cool to come out as gay in this day and age.
00:44:17.000 We also have Not Gay Jared on the show, who's not even remotely gay. 0.58
00:44:21.000 And then we also did a thing called The Best Gay.
00:44:25.000 It's a new game I invented where everyone sits around and discusses who is the best gay in the world.
00:44:32.000 Now my wife firmly believes it's John Waters. 0.92
00:44:36.000 He's a pretty great gay.
00:44:39.000 But I don't think he's the best.
00:44:40.000 I don't really like his movies.
00:44:41.000 I love the guy.
00:44:42.000 And I know that Fred Armisen, when he was a little kid, he was asked, what would you do if the world was going to end?
00:44:49.000 And he said, I would burn the whole street down.
00:44:51.000 I'd start 100 fires and blow up buildings.
00:44:54.000 He went to, he got a detention for that.
00:44:56.000 And they sent him to a psychiatrist.
00:44:59.000 And he's like, I didn't say I want to do that.
00:45:01.000 I said I would do that if the world was ending.
00:45:04.000 So of all the things to do, this is a true story.
00:45:07.000 Fred Armisen wrote John Waters a letter.
00:45:10.000 This is when Fred was 12.
00:45:11.000 And said, hey John, this happened to me at my school. 0.98
00:45:14.000 Don't you think that's fucked up? 0.98
00:45:16.000 And John wrote him back and said, yeah, that's fucked up. 0.98
00:45:19.000 What you said was totally reasonable. 0.96
00:45:20.000 The world's ending.
00:45:21.000 Who cares?
00:45:21.000 You can blow up buildings.
00:45:23.000 Everyone's gonna die. 1.00
00:45:24.000 They fucked you over with that setup. 1.00
00:45:27.000 They set you up to say something crazy. 1.00
00:45:28.000 You said something crazy and they went, you're crazy. 0.94
00:45:30.000 You're not crazy, dude. 0.68
00:45:31.000 You're awesome.
00:45:32.000 And then John Waters and Fred Armisen became pen pals.
00:45:36.000 And to this day, which has got to be 30 years later, they still regularly send postcards to each other. 1.00
00:45:43.000 All based on that one time where that teacher was full of shit. 0.99
00:45:47.000 And she was probably not Mediterranean. 1.00
00:45:49.000 She was probably a Torontonian teacher. 0.88
00:45:53.000 So go to CRTV.com and watch CRTV tonight.
00:45:57.000 Tonight. 0.83
00:45:58.000 And you can see who I think the best gay is. 0.68