Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - July 24, 2018


Get Off My Lawn Podcast #69 | 35 years ago today George Brett had the greatest temper tantrum in the history of baseball

Topics
millennials wearing shower shoes Popsicle Toes song CRTV.com
Hosted by
Gavin McInnes
Mentioned
Ryan Katsu Rivera Eleanor Roosevelt Michael Francis Amelia Earhart Dave Cast Joe Rogan Tom Ford Jamie Andrew Breitbart Passcode Gavin Steven Crowder Phil Robertson Howard Stern John Waters Mark Stein Mark Levin Bellagio Jesse MS-13 Meat Beat Manifesto and 35 more
Ep 158 | See No Evil | Get Off My Lawn Ep 160 | Porn Yesterday | Get Off My Lawn

Episode Stats


Length

47 minutes

Words per minute

169.99

Word count

8,049

Sentence count

793

Harmful content

Misogyny

21

sentences flagged

Toxicity

161

sentences flagged

Hate speech

48

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

35 years ago today, George Brett had the greatest temper tantrum in the history of baseball. He was accused of having too much pine tar on his bat. Pine tar helps your hands stick to the bat and it can only go as high as the width of a home plate. And his team won. And who were they playing? The Yanks. And they finally beat the Yankees. That felt really good. They were good back then. And this is back in the Rockstar days with Lenny Dykstra doing coke off of strippers' tits. This is not a take-a-girls-home sports is not real men-and-women sports. And, who to fire someone who tries to fire a real man? This is real men and women who just look like they want to get over it. Which I'll never comprehend. I mean, my goal in life is to be with people who are interesting. I don't care if you're dumb, just have something to say. And there's nothing worse than being boring. I'll jump out of a car and start yelling at them. Or I'll just want to slit my wrists out of my car. or I'll start yelling out of moving cars I don t care if I'm boring, or I hate it, I just wanna be moving out of the car, I'll do it and I'll let you know how boring my life is... it's nothing better than boring than that And I'll be with you in the car Tweet me if you have a story you want me to tell me what you're doing or you're not boring in your life is boring Or you don't want to be boring in a boring day or you'll just start moving me out of your car or you don t have a good day tweet me or something like that I'm not getting a cup of coffee you're just gonna get it like that, I'm just gonna do that, or you can do it, you're gonna have it, right have it like I'll say it, right like that I'll have it in a nice thing like that or you've got a little more of that, you'll have a little bit of it, like you're got it like like that? or a little less of a day like that like that ... this is not boring, right?

Transcript

Transcripts from "Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes" are sourced from the Knowledge Fight Interactive Search Tool. Explore them interactively here.
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Toxicity classifications generated with s-nlp/roberta_toxicity_classifier .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
Topics generated with Qwen2.5-3B-Instruct.
Hosts, guests, and mentioned names generated with spaCy (en_core_web_sm), reconciled against Wikidata.
00:00:00.000 35 years ago today, George Brett had the greatest temper tantrum in the history of baseball.
00:00:07.000 He was accused of having too much pine tar on his bat.
00:00:13.000 Pine tar helps your hands stick to the bat.
00:00:16.000 And it can only go as high up as the width of a home plate.
00:00:21.000 And his team won.
00:00:23.000 What was his team?
00:00:25.000 The Kansas City Royals.
00:00:26.000 And who were they playing?
00:00:28.000 The Yanks.
00:00:28.000 And they finally beat the Yankees.
00:00:30.000 That felt really good.
00:00:31.000 They were good back then, right? 1.00
00:00:35.000 Shut up. 0.95
00:00:37.000 Um, and uh, they won the game, that felt great, and George Brett did this thing, I've done it before too, where he said, if they say that there's too much pine tar on my bat, and they call off this win, I am going to lose it! 0.99
00:00:58.000 And you can see the Yumps going, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. 0.99
00:01:00.000 Then they put the bat down on home plate, and then he just goes, that's it!
00:01:04.000 And he goes tearing out of the dugout, roaring towards them, doing one of the weirdest runs I've ever seen.
00:01:12.000 It's not a run where you put your fists up like you're boxing.
00:01:15.000 It's like he's pushing the air out of the way.
00:01:17.000 It's like he was swimming at a million miles an hour.
00:01:20.000 And then he got up, and he didn't punch him in the face.
00:01:23.000 I mean, I was not born for another nine years, but yeah.
00:01:50.000 Right.
00:01:51.000 Well, I guess I meant your dad when I said you.
00:01:56.000 George Bright is also the guy.
00:01:57.000 I've talked about this quite a bit.
00:01:59.000 With one of the greatest hot mics ever.
00:02:03.000 He's, uh, I can do the whole thing.
00:02:06.000 He's sitting there, uh, stretching and they were doing a documentary on behind the sports or something in the 70s or 80s.
00:02:14.000 And, um, so he no longer knows he's mic'd.
00:02:16.000 He's probably said, no, these guys are a good team, whatever.
00:02:19.000 We're just out here doing our best, you know, childhood dream come true.
00:02:22.000 And then they're stretching and he farts and he goes, farted.
00:02:30.000 That was a fart.
00:02:34.000 It's hard to know what to say after you fart.
00:02:36.000 Can you turn these lights off by the way? 0.97
00:02:38.000 It's hard to know what to say after you fart because it feels dumb not to acknowledge it, right?
00:02:46.000 Feels weird just to say, just to just stare at the person. 0.94
00:02:51.000 Like my buddy Mark, he used to always say, TROUSER COFF!
00:02:54.000 Or I like to make it a thing, like I'll go, I have a stuffed bear in my office, and people, when they come by to see it, there'll be kids there or something, and if I'm lucky I have a fart ready to rock, and I'll just go, oh yeah, this is, well, I got an extra feature here, there's an air pocket around the back, so if you squeeze, like, his hips, then, and then I'll let out a big fart.
00:03:16.000 Kids never laugh when I do that, by the way, because they believe it.
00:03:20.000 Because I play it so straight.
00:03:21.000 And then they start trying to make the bear fart.
00:03:23.000 I dupe them.
00:03:25.000 But every time you have a major fart, I highly recommend discussing something with an air pocket.
00:03:30.000 And saying, if you just push here, you apply some pressure, then it'll pop off.
00:03:38.000 And then you pop off.
00:03:39.000 But anyway, he farted.
00:03:41.000 And then he goes over to this other guy stretching, and he goes, 1.00
00:03:46.000 Shit my pants last night. 0.94
00:03:48.000 And the part that drives me nuts about this video, which it's easy to find on YouTube, but not with good quality, is that the guys he's talking to don't really care. 0.99
00:03:58.000 Like, they look like they don't want to hear it. 0.66
00:04:01.000 Now, this guy was already a major legend, one of the greatest players in the history of baseball, and this is back in the Rockstar days with Lenny Dykstra doing coke off of strippers' tits and stuff, so 0.91
00:04:13.000 Real men in the MLB, not scared of getting fired. 0.93
00:04:16.000 They'll beat up anyone who tries to fire them.
00:04:18.000 This is not take-a-knee sports.
00:04:21.000 This is take-a-two-girls-home sports. 0.99
00:04:25.000 And, uh, they just look like they want it to get over with.
00:04:28.000 Which I'll never comprehend.
00:04:30.000 I mean, my life, my only goal in life is to be with people that are interesting. 0.98
00:04:35.000 I don't care if you're retarded. 1.00
00:04:36.000 A lot of my friends are dumb. 1.00
00:04:39.000 Uh, just interesting. 1.00
00:04:40.000 Just have something to say.
00:04:43.000 And there's nothing worse than being boring.
00:04:45.000 I hate it so much. 0.99
00:04:46.000 I want to just slit my wrists. 0.98
00:04:48.000 I'll jump out of a moving car if everyone in the car is boring. 0.98
00:04:52.000 Or I'll start yelling.
00:04:54.000 At them.
00:04:56.000 Um... So... They don't seem to care that they're talking to the most interesting guy alive.
00:05:03.000 And then he gets into it.
00:05:04.000 He goes, I'm good for those about once a year.
00:05:06.000 What about you?
00:05:07.000 Now if someone asked me that, I'd say, interesting question, how often do I poo my pants?
00:05:11.000 Well, huh, not that much, but you know, it happens. 0.99
00:05:15.000 I shit the bed once, like I was nude and I was sick.
00:05:19.000 I had food poisoning and then I let something out that I thought was a fart in it. 0.97
00:05:22.000 It wasn't much, it was just like a drop of like bile.
00:05:26.000 But of course you gotta change the sheets, it's not like you can just sort of wipe that away and have a little spot on the bed.
00:05:33.000 So I would tell George Brett that if he asked me, but they just sort of go, no, not really.
00:05:38.000 What the hell?
00:05:39.000 What's your problem, dude? 0.97
00:05:42.000 So, um, he proceeds to talk about how he went to the Bellagio.
00:05:49.000 And with some friends.
00:05:50.000 God, that would be worth the food poisoning just to hang out with George Brett at the Bellagio.
00:05:55.000 The owner brings these crab cakes over.
00:05:56.000 Sure, I'll eat them.
00:05:58.000 And he said he ate them and as he was eating them, he knew something was wrong.
00:06:00.000 And I did a whole podcast on food poisoning.
00:06:02.000 You know, as it touches your lips, if we were more in touch with our bodies and more honest with ourselves,
00:06:10.000 We would be able to prevent food poisoning the second it touches our mouth.
00:06:13.000 But there's this thing in us, it's kind of a form of cheapness too, where you sort of just turn it off.
00:06:19.000 And you go, ah, these are fine.
00:06:20.000 And your body's going, dude, I got a bad feeling about this.
00:06:23.000 And you go, no, no, no, we're good, we're good.
00:06:25.000 I'm with my friends here.
00:06:26.000 That's the owners.
00:06:27.000 Crab cakes.
00:06:28.000 So he eats them and he goes, I got an early tea.
00:06:32.000 He feels fine.
00:06:33.000 7 a.m.
00:06:34.000 Again, playing golf with George Brett must be awesome.
00:06:38.000 I've only really hung out with one pro ball player, and we have that at CRTV.com if you tune in to CRTV Tonight.
00:06:46.000 I think I do three shows there now.
00:06:47.000 Get Off My Lawn, CRTV Tonight, and then After Hours, where we sit at the bar and talk for like 30 minutes about one thing.
00:06:56.000 We talked to I talked to Kurt Schilling Who it's just like a different breed of man Just like a real man like go ahead go shh.
00:07:05.000 No, I was gonna say go shove his wife. 1.00
00:07:07.000 Please don't do that But like knock a battery off his shoulder or flick a cigarette out of his mouth See how well that goes for you
00:07:18.000 I worry that that type of man is gone.
00:07:20.000 Anyway, so George Brett is at the casino, and he's leaving.
00:07:25.000 He's walking down the strip in Vegas, heading back to his hotel, which I'm sure was very nice.
00:07:30.000 And he goes, I'm not feeling too good.
00:07:34.000 And then it hits me.
00:07:35.000 I'm about to explode. 1.00
00:07:37.000 So I just pinch my ass. 1.00
00:07:38.000 And he's making a fist at this point. 1.00
00:07:40.000 I just cinched up my anus. 0.99
00:07:42.000 I just pinched my ass cheeks tight. 0.99
00:07:44.000 And I stood there as the traffic light went green and I thought, I can't walk. 0.99
00:07:49.000 So I let the light change.
00:07:50.000 I'm sitting there still cinched up, cinched up.
00:07:53.000 People are passing me, crossing the street.
00:07:55.000 I can't move.
00:07:56.000 I can't afford it.
00:07:58.000 And then after maybe three lights, I go, okay, maybe my body's figured this out.
00:08:03.000 I'm going to take a step.
00:08:05.000 I took a step.
00:08:07.000 And you have to see the video because he just motions down the back of his leg and he just goes, water. 0.99
00:08:13.000 Just fucking water. 0.97
00:08:20.000 Which is really fascinating when you think of the body. 1.00
00:08:23.000 Isn't it an incredible invention God made?
00:08:25.000 Like if you get a cold or something, it turns itself into a microwave and starts cooking you.
00:08:31.000 That's what a fever is.
00:08:32.000 It's heating you up.
00:08:34.000 My son got strep the other day, and I could tell he was hot, and his tonsils were all swollen.
00:08:40.000 And I could feel the heat on his forehead, and I thought, there's his body, recognizing the strep, and trying to burn it.
00:08:47.000 Trying to fry it.
00:08:50.000 Which, of course, he created us with these huge brains, so we go, actually, God, I'm not gonna do the burning thing that you set up.
00:08:58.000 I have a better plan.
00:08:59.000 I invented antibiotics.
00:09:01.000 I'm just gonna give them to him.
00:09:02.000 He'll be good in 24 hours.
00:09:04.000 And he was.
00:09:06.000 But yeah, your body must go, uh-oh, there's bad crab cakes here, and it just, like, flushes you out.
00:09:13.000 Flushes water out.
00:09:15.000 Ryan, am I looking at clips that are, like, three- Ryan!
00:09:19.000 Am I seeing, like, a clip that's just, like, three frames?
00:09:22.000 Did you cut to camera two for, like, two seconds there?
00:09:24.000 Oh, okay.
00:09:29.000 Okay.
00:09:30.000 We've got Ryan Katsu Rivera at the helm here in the studio.
00:09:33.000 Dave Kast came in to show him the ropes. 0.99
00:09:38.000 It seems like they are both retarded, so... I'm still... And I get criticized all the time, and I don't see you working with the handicapped. 1.00
00:09:47.000 I don't... No, no, I'm not talking to you.
00:09:50.000 See? 0.99
00:09:53.000 He's so retarded that he goes, that's true, I don't work with the retarded. 1.00
00:09:57.000 Yeah you do, dude. 1.00
00:09:59.000 You masturbate the retarded, you wash the retarded's body in the shower, you brush his teeth, you comb his hair, you stare at his face in the mirror. 1.00
00:10:11.000 That's his retort, by the way. 1.00
00:10:12.000 I don't comb my hair.
00:10:14.000 That's a lie!
00:10:15.000 I don't want that to go on record.
00:10:18.000 I've never combed my hair.
00:10:19.000 You should never comb your hair.
00:10:20.000 Actually, I comb my hair every day.
00:10:21.000 But if it's not part of your hairdo.
00:10:24.000 You know my big thing?
00:10:25.000 Don't shampoo your hair, ever.
00:10:28.000 I don't think you should be wearing a hat, Dave.
00:10:30.000 But also, don't shampoo your hair.
00:10:32.000 Do you shampoo your hair?
00:10:36.000 Well then, stop!
00:10:39.000 Because it's like I'm asking you to quit raspberries and you lick one a month.
00:10:43.000 It's not a big loss.
00:10:46.000 Let it go.
00:10:47.000 Can't quit smoking.
00:10:48.000 Can't quit my puff a month.
00:10:54.000 No way, Jose.
00:10:56.000 Anyway, so his body comes up with this plan and just flushes out water.
00:11:00.000 Doesn't work, by the way, the crab cakes are still in there.
00:11:02.000 Actually, it does work because he doesn't talk about being sick.
00:11:05.000 Huh.
00:11:06.000 And I bet, because he's in athlete shape, that he doesn't get the same kind of food poisoning we do.
00:11:12.000 Like my food poisoning, I was just like pooing out of my mouth for 12 hours.
00:11:16.000 In hell. 0.55
00:11:19.000 But his body just like flushes the toilet and you're good.
00:11:21.000 That must be awesome to be in really great shape like that, like boxers.
00:11:26.000 You know when they wake up and they go, oh Jesus, I'll have 32 pancakes, a chocolate cake.
00:11:32.000 This is after they get to their perfect weight.
00:11:34.000 Before that, Jesus, you should see my boxing gym.
00:11:37.000 So much talk about weight all the time.
00:11:39.000 They sound like...
00:11:40.000 Girls.
00:11:41.000 Little girls.
00:11:42.000 I need to get down to 120. 0.88
00:11:44.000 But little girls barf. 1.00
00:11:46.000 Men wear a garbage bag in the ring and hit a heavy bag for 18 rounds. 0.93
00:11:52.000 They really do, they wear garbage bags on their body in- this is July.
00:11:57.000 So you're next to a guy, I'm panting, lamenting that I have to have a shirt on, and they're sitting there with sweat- two pairs of sweatpants, a sweatshirt, and a garbage bag with- it's like a garbage- it's not a real garbage bag, it's like a thick rubber thing you buy that's like plastic, and it has a hood on it.
00:12:19.000 That's a torture.
00:12:20.000 That's what I would consider a torture.
00:12:21.000 I would want that if, you know, someone got caught shoplifting to save money on jails.
00:12:24.000 We just make them do exercises dressed as an Arctic Explorer in July.
00:12:31.000 So, he goes, I got jeans on, buckskin boots, no socks.
00:12:37.000 Imagine how much of a man you'd have to be to wear cowboy boots with no socks.
00:12:42.000 You'd have to be in World War II. 0.86
00:12:43.000 You'd have to be a professional murderer. 0.99
00:12:48.000 By the way, what is with black people wearing socks in the pool? 1.00
00:12:51.000 It's not a class thing. 0.99
00:12:53.000 Wealthy black people cover their feet in the pool. 1.00
00:12:57.000 What is that? 0.92
00:12:57.000 Sherrod Small was on vacation with Ann Coulter and I was looking at some of her pictures and I saw him in the pool and he had aqua shoes on. 0.92
00:13:05.000 In a pool like a hotel pool.
00:13:07.000 I'm mad at him. 1.00
00:13:09.000 What the fuck? 1.00
00:13:10.000 You need better grip? 1.00
00:13:12.000 You going mountain climbing in the pool?
00:13:14.000 And then there was that story in the news where someone called the cops on a black family in the pool and she did it because he had his socks on in the pool.
00:13:20.000 Now, I'm against calling cops. 1.00
00:13:22.000 Obviously, she's an idiot. 1.00
00:13:23.000 But as a side note, what were you doing with your socks? 1.00
00:13:27.000 He was just sitting with his feet in the pool and his socks on. 0.78
00:13:30.000 Are you shy about your tootsies? 0.98
00:13:32.000 God, I wish more men were shy about their tootsies. 0.99
00:13:35.000 New York in the summer is all just hairy toes. 0.97
00:13:38.000 Toesity, toes, toes, toes.
00:13:40.000 Toes from coast to coast.
00:13:41.000 From Manhattan straight up.
00:13:43.000 People wearing flip flops to the office with their big hairy hobbit toes.
00:13:47.000 It boggles the mind.
00:13:49.000 You know what else is really pissing me off these days? 1.00
00:13:51.000 These fucking shower shoes. 1.00
00:13:53.000 Little kids wearing them. 1.00
00:13:54.000 What are we, aristocrats?
00:13:56.000 What are we, Lady Gaga going to get coffee at the studio in between takes? 0.98
00:14:01.000 What are we, prisoners taking a shower? 1.00
00:14:04.000 I hate these fucking things. 1.00
00:14:06.000 And they're so flimsy. 1.00
00:14:07.000 And kids are now... They're wearing them in the pool, too, by the way.
00:14:11.000 When I went to Atlantis on vacation, there's all these kids swimming in them.
00:14:14.000 And they're also wearing them to play sports.
00:14:17.000 Like, kids are playing basketball with shower shoes on.
00:14:21.000 Those little things you slip your feet into? 0.98
00:14:22.000 That's even stupider than flip-flops. 0.98
00:14:25.000 Ever heard of shoes? 0.99
00:14:31.000 I will give some men a flip-flop pass if they're in Australia or Arizona and it is over 100 degrees.
00:14:38.000 But that's such an extreme that it has to be utilitarian.
00:14:44.000 It's almost like an Olympic thing.
00:14:46.000 Like in Canada when it's, I guess the Fahrenheit would be zero degrees, and you have to wear all this Gore-Tex and this gear and the special snowboarding gloves and your big boots, your mucklucks.
00:14:57.000 That's clearly not fashionable.
00:15:00.000 You're just trying to survive.
00:15:01.000 So I feel like that's off the books, and similarly, let's say 90 degrees and up is off the books.
00:15:08.000 You can wear shorts, shorts, I don't care.
00:15:11.000 You can wear cargo shorts, none of my beeswax.
00:15:13.000 But it is my business, Fahrenheit, from 30 degrees Fahrenheit to 85 degrees, no toes,
00:15:26.000 Um, no hats, by the way.
00:15:29.000 God, these millennials wearing- I saw a lifeguard the other day wearing a wool hat. 0.99
00:15:35.000 Like, he's sitting there on the beach, and it was 85 degrees, and he has this stupid- it looked cute. 0.99
00:15:41.000 It would look cute in a fashion magazine. 0.99
00:15:43.000 Little red wool hat.
00:15:46.000 Why are millennials' heads so cold? 0.99
00:15:48.000 Have you ever tried it?
00:15:49.000 I'll wear a hat outside if it's the coldest day of the year.
00:15:52.000 And you're warm as toast the second you pop that on your head.
00:15:55.000 Because it makes your hair into like an insulation thing.
00:15:59.000 But have you ever tried wearing one in July?
00:16:02.000 You are cooking in seconds and your head's all itchy.
00:16:05.000 It boggles the mind.
00:16:06.000 And then they have these shower shoes on.
00:16:08.000 So your head is cold but your feet are hot?
00:16:11.000 I want to snap you in two so your head can meet your feet and the temperature can work itself out. 1.00
00:16:18.000 Your hot head can warm up your chilly toes.
00:16:20.000 Your popsicle toes!
00:16:22.000 My daughter and I were going to see a movie and I went into the bathroom and they were playing the same music in the girls' bathroom as the boys' bathroom and I said, did you hear that song that I heard?
00:16:33.000 Yeah, what was that?
00:16:34.000 It was called Popsicle Toes. 0.75
00:16:37.000 And we looked it up afterwards, and it is the gayest song. 1.00
00:16:41.000 It beats Proud of Your Boy.
00:16:44.000 It's called Popsicle Toes, and it's clearly a guy with his second wife or his girlfriend after he's divorced his wife, and he's madly in love with the new wife.
00:16:56.000 Of course, they're gonna get divorced, too, eventually, but it's in the... Sounds like the honeymoon phase, and he probably calls her toes Popsicle Toes because her feet are cold in bed, but it's so irritating.
00:17:11.000 Ew, it's like Pink Panther jazz?
00:17:15.000 It's him and his wife singing.
00:17:17.000 Or, sorry, his second wife.
00:17:19.000 I'm guessing, by the way, about the wife.
00:17:21.000 Let's jump into the middle.
00:17:23.000 Ew! 0.98
00:17:37.000 By the way, Michael Franks, they play your music in bathrooms at movie theaters.
00:17:41.000 That's what you are.
00:17:47.000 It's making my shoulders hurt.
00:17:56.000 It's number one on the Muzak charts.
00:17:59.000 It's in cabs, it's in restrooms. 1.00
00:18:03.000 God, it's making my skin want to get off of my body.
00:18:12.000 It's so great to expose all those popsicle toes.
00:18:17.000 Jazz!
00:18:17.000 Ah!
00:18:18.000 Smooth jazz!
00:18:20.000 What's worse?
00:18:21.000 I don't even like music anymore.
00:18:23.000 I don't listen to music.
00:18:24.000 If I'm in the car, I'll just do raw dog comedy, Howard Stern, sometimes Patriot Radio, but
00:18:32.000 I'm done with music, and I used to be completely consumed.
00:18:36.000 That's all I cared about.
00:18:37.000 I'd save up money working at the gas station, then we'd take the bus into Shake Records downtown.
00:18:43.000 It took about 45 minutes to get there, and the records were unbelievably expensive.
00:18:47.000 This is 1984, and everything was $15.99.
00:18:51.000 I still have these records, and I'm looking at the price that's written in grease pencil, and I'm thinking, they're about $12 now.
00:18:58.000 They've gone down in price.
00:18:59.000 $15.99 in 1985.
00:19:03.000 Minimum wage was $3.
00:19:06.000 So it took you a long time to earn a record.
00:19:10.000 Why are you laughing so much?
00:19:11.000 Popsicle toes still?
00:19:13.000 This guy, I heard him, and he had a pretty good lyric.
00:19:15.000 He said, I hear from my ex on the back of my checks.
00:19:22.000 What are you talking about?
00:19:24.000 Michael Franks wrote a song, and he said, I hear from my ex on the back of my checks.
00:19:30.000 Oh.
00:19:32.000 I knew he was divorced!
00:19:33.000 I can just tell.
00:19:35.000 The guy's got such a divorced vibe.
00:19:38.000 Let's look him up.
00:19:41.000 Michael Franks.
00:19:41.000 How many times are you divorced, dude?
00:19:44.000 Like, those guys... Michael Franks, musician.
00:19:47.000 American jazz singer.
00:19:49.000 Biography.
00:19:50.000 They don't have his personal life.
00:19:53.000 But I bet it's here.
00:19:54.000 Best known works, whatever.
00:19:59.000 Anyway, yeah, I find when I'm going through, like, so you'd collect records and you'd buy them, we wanted punk records, so we'd just go by the cover, but sometimes you'd end up with weird industrial bands that just look punk on the cover, like Alien Sex Fiend, Scraping Fetus Off the Wheel, Meat Beat Manifesto, and I don't like industrial, so you'd go, well, now I have to wait two more, I have to wait a whole other week, so that's two weeks without a good record.
00:20:29.000 Because I bought Meat Beat Manifesto or Throbbing Gristle or Revolting Cox. 0.52
00:20:36.000 They all sound punk and they all suck.
00:20:39.000 But those are the days when you'd have the record and you'd have it for a week. 0.98
00:20:42.000 So you'd put it on and the Dead Kennedys were great for this. 0.96
00:20:45.000 They'd have the inserts where you could read the whole book.
00:20:48.000 Krass would come. 0.98
00:20:50.000 The record was wrapped in a poster that you'd unfold and all these cool art and all the lyrics and everything.
00:20:56.000 It was fun.
00:20:57.000 And I just, I remember seeing some dude from Aerosmith say he quit drinking because he believes that he just had enough drinks.
00:21:05.000 Like he goes, I think there's X amount of drinks in everyone.
00:21:08.000 It's like a thousand bottles or something.
00:21:09.000 And I've had my thousand bottles.
00:21:11.000 I'm done with drinking.
00:21:12.000 It's not like I, I quit because, uh, uh, I was scared or anything.
00:21:18.000 I just ran out and I kind of feel like I've had X amount of hours.
00:21:23.000 Like when the radio comes on, I can sing most of the songs.
00:21:27.000 Prince and Jimi Hendrix or whatever.
00:21:29.000 I've heard all those songs one billion times.
00:21:30.000 And when I'm at home going through my record collection, my wife and I do that when we get drunk.
00:21:35.000 We lie on our backs by the record player and listen to songs.
00:21:39.000 And sometimes they sound good then, but that's if I'm baked.
00:21:41.000 It takes a few tokes and a six-pack to, or quite a few bourbons actually, to make music good.
00:21:50.000 That's not a good sign.
00:21:51.000 That doesn't mean something's good.
00:21:56.000 But I've noticed when I'm looking at the records, I can pull out the record, The Dead Milkmen or something, Big Lizard in My Backyard, and I can just hear every song.
00:22:04.000 Mom don't really like you.
00:22:09.000 She thinks she's mean and crude. 1.00
00:22:11.000 She's trying to make me a good little boy, keeping downers in my food. 1.00
00:22:15.000 It's a fucked up world. 1.00
00:22:16.000 See? 0.99
00:22:17.000 The whole album I could just do.
00:22:19.000 I'm not bragging, by the way.
00:22:21.000 This isn't a talent.
00:22:22.000 It's sort of like pool.
00:22:24.000 I don't think you're cool if you're good at pool. 1.00
00:22:26.000 It just means you played a lot of fucking pool. 0.99
00:22:28.000 So if I heard a song so many times, I know it too well to enjoy it. 0.99
00:22:30.000 That's not bragging.
00:22:33.000 But then, yeah, you just sort of go, I'm good with music.
00:22:35.000 You know, at Vice, I had to know what the hot bands were before anyone else did, and then tell them all about them.
00:22:41.000 So that may have ruined it, because it was just like going through dozens of CDs every week, trying to find, talking to, you know, college DJs.
00:22:50.000 What band is everyone talking about and trying to know about this band?
00:22:53.000 And also, when we had a record label, you wanted to get them before they got too big to sign.
00:22:57.000 So you're constantly trying to find a band
00:22:59.000 Just the second they begin.
00:23:02.000 Like the third show, the third good show, you want to grab them.
00:23:05.000 Because the fifth good show, someone else is going to get them.
00:23:08.000 Matador Records is going to get them.
00:23:10.000 Offer them a million bucks.
00:23:12.000 So that may have cheapened it.
00:23:14.000 But I also think that you tend to, if you really like your job, you tend to want to do things that will improve your job.
00:23:21.000 And so I like to listen to Anthony Cumia and Howard Stern and people who are good at this.
00:23:27.000 Good at talking about stuff.
00:23:29.000 And, uh, I hope it improves my show and my job.
00:23:32.000 Music doesn't do anything for me.
00:23:35.000 Doesn't help.
00:23:37.000 So, Tucker Carlson, too, I always watch.
00:23:39.000 I think I've kind of stopped reading, too, because I don't write anymore.
00:23:43.000 And when I was writing, I would read someone like Christopher Hitchens or Pat Buchanan or Mark Stein, and I'd learn all these big words that I'd write down.
00:23:51.000 I'd go, ooh, I should use pulchritudinous in a sentence. 0.51
00:23:54.000 Now, big words just confuse the viewer.
00:23:57.000 I'm not writing anymore.
00:23:58.000 Why bother?
00:24:01.000 Maybe writing was a complete waste of time.
00:24:03.000 I must have written, I've definitely written more than Hunter S. Thompson or Jack Kerouac ever did.
00:24:08.000 Like I wrote all of Vice for 15 years and then a 2,000 word article in Tacky every single week for 10 years.
00:24:19.000 So that's like, even the Tacky magazine column alone was probably the equivalent of 10 books.
00:24:26.000 And maybe I'm not good at it.
00:24:27.000 Like these books, my books don't really sell very well.
00:24:30.000 They're not flying off the shelves.
00:24:35.000 And I couldn't get hired at Breitbart or anywhere more famous.
00:24:38.000 You know who recommended I work at Breitbart?
00:24:41.000 Andrew Breitbart.
00:24:43.000 Sorry, not good enough recommendation.
00:24:45.000 Plus, he died recently, so, uh, we don't know if you're lying.
00:24:49.000 Well, I have the spooky email.
00:24:50.000 It's weird having emails from dead people.
00:24:54.000 Where you go through your contacts and you're like, uh, that person is dead.
00:24:58.000 What happens if I call that number?
00:25:01.000 Hello. 0.97
00:25:03.000 Dude, it's fucking freaky in here. 0.96
00:25:07.000 I can fly. 0.98
00:25:09.000 What's the first thing you did?
00:25:10.000 I went to the White House.
00:25:13.000 And I just hung out with Trump. 1.00
00:25:15.000 And then I watched Jay-Z fuck Beyonce on their boat. 0.99
00:25:21.000 Why? 1.00
00:25:21.000 What? 1.00
00:25:23.000 What was it like? 1.00
00:25:24.000 Just looked like a regular black porn. 0.99
00:25:27.000 Wasn't particularly raunchy or anything. 0.99
00:25:31.000 Well, of course not.
00:25:31.000 They've had a bunch of kids together.
00:25:33.000 You're watching an old married couple have sex? 1.00
00:25:36.000 I don't know. 0.95
00:25:36.000 I thought it would be a trip. 0.95
00:25:38.000 No one in the world has seen that.
00:25:41.000 Okay.
00:25:42.000 No one in the world has seen a tiger shit out a turtle.
00:25:45.000 Doesn't mean it's something cool.
00:25:47.000 Yeah, that would actually be really cool to see.
00:25:49.000 Yeah, I guess so.
00:25:51.000 Okay, go hunt some tigers.
00:25:52.000 Oh, that would be cool.
00:25:53.000 Why don't you go hang out with tigers?
00:25:55.000 Why?
00:25:56.000 Well, because humans can't.
00:25:58.000 Yeah, no.
00:25:59.000 I don't want to do that.
00:26:02.000 Okay.
00:26:03.000 Can you fly to Africa?
00:26:05.000 How fast can you fly?
00:26:07.000 Because if you just float like 30 miles an hour, you're just going to haunt the suburb that you died in, and that's pretty much it.
00:26:15.000 You're not going to take the 30-mile trek to Manhattan.
00:26:18.000 DC is four hours away.
00:26:20.000 The White House is a four-hour drive.
00:26:23.000 Unless the ghost can go a good 200 miles an hour, I wouldn't bother just floating down the freeway.
00:26:29.000 You have to take a break.
00:26:35.000 I want to go to Europe.
00:26:36.000 I'll be there in five years.
00:26:39.000 But it doesn't matter, because I'm going to be dead for infinity, so that's really just like a second.
00:26:44.000 And it'll be cool just seeing the ocean for years and years and years as I slowly float.
00:26:50.000 I might see a shark eat something or something cool, but probably not.
00:26:55.000 How do you not get lost, too?
00:26:58.000 You go, this took eight years, and everyone's speaking Spanish.
00:27:01.000 Dude, you're in Brazil.
00:27:04.000 You veered crazy right, and you ended up in South America. 1.00
00:27:09.000 Oh, shit. 0.99
00:27:11.000 There's nothing interesting here. 1.00
00:27:13.000 Yeah, Brazil, everyone can see everything.
00:27:15.000 I guess you'll get mugged if you go to the wrong part of town, but... You know Jesse from DFA?
00:27:21.000 Mastercraft?
00:27:23.000 He was a friend of mine.
00:27:23.000 He got dumped.
00:27:24.000 He dumped me when he got caught knowing me.
00:27:29.000 And he was like, sorry dude, I'll lose gigs, bye, you're dumped.
00:27:33.000 I'm gonna have to make up a big thing about how I disavow violence.
00:27:37.000 So I hate Gavin now. 0.96
00:27:39.000 But he's an Indian dude. 0.86
00:27:41.000 People don't realize that about him. 0.99
00:27:43.000 And Indians hate Muslims because Pakistan has been murdering them to the tune of hundreds of thousands of people. 1.00
00:27:50.000 So he has justified animosity towards Islam. 0.95
00:27:53.000 And that's what we bonded on for a long time.
00:27:56.000 But not if it hurts his career.
00:27:58.000 But anyway, he told me a story about with Mastercraft.
00:28:02.000 They were going to get a gig in Columbia.
00:28:05.000 And where kidnapping is rampant, especially if you're a musician and you're famous, like the perfect candidate.
00:28:11.000 So him and the other guy go, um, tell you what, we'll do it.
00:28:16.000 If we, you meet us at the airport, we each get our own handgun and we have armed patrols obviously with us, but we also get a AR-15.
00:28:26.000 So one AR-15 between us.
00:28:28.000 And then we both get handguns and they go, Ooh, that's going to be kind of tricky, dude.
00:28:33.000 Hold on.
00:28:34.000 Let's call you.
00:28:34.000 We'll call you back.
00:28:35.000 The next day they go, OK, we can do it.
00:28:37.000 We will get your handgun.
00:28:39.000 You have a SP-3 Luger. 0.98
00:28:43.000 It will be available at the airport and my friend will give you his AR-15 for the time you are here.
00:28:49.000 And they go, yeah, we're not going.
00:28:51.000 What?
00:28:51.000 I get you everything you ask!
00:28:53.000 Um, if it's possible for someone to get a handgun at the airport and borrow an AR-15, I'm not going to that place.
00:29:03.000 That place is way too dangerous.
00:29:05.000 So you failed the test.
00:29:09.000 If they were to say yes, and they were to have handguns, they would likely
00:29:17.000 I hope I'm getting that URL right.
00:29:22.000 I unfortunately don't shop there because I live in New York, where the government has decided no guns for us New Yorkers.
00:29:33.000 Now, we can have them in the burbs, but we may not have them in Manhattan.
00:29:38.000 And guess where the murders are?
00:29:39.000 They're in Manhattan.
00:29:41.000 They are in East New York.
00:29:43.000 They're in Brooklyn.
00:29:43.000 There are gangs there.
00:29:45.000 They are the children of single mothers.
00:29:47.000 They are MS... No, not MS-13, although there is some MS-13, but I think they're in Long Island dealing heroin to construction workers who just got off their oxy after their sore back.
00:30:00.000 Hold on a second.
00:30:00.000 Ryan, are you... Trying to blur out... Blur out swear words?
00:30:06.000 Yeah.
00:30:06.000 Yeesh.
00:30:07.000 That's kind of a pain in the ass. 0.99
00:30:08.000 I don't think you should have to do that. 0.99
00:30:11.000 Oh, really?
00:30:15.000 Okay.
00:30:16.000 Because it is the news. 1.00
00:30:17.000 Like, I think you should be able to say shit or nigger or fuck if the news is someone said that. 1.00
00:30:24.000 And they got in trouble for saying that. 1.00
00:30:26.000 Because if you say, this person was fired for saying the n-word, you go, what, they just said the n-word?
00:30:30.000 Well, no, the other word... What did he say?
00:30:34.000 Okay, alright.
00:30:38.000 I just want to get moving because we're running late here.
00:30:41.000 He would have gotten to wethepeopleholsters.com and he would have procured a custom holder that you can adjust the cant in the right.
00:30:52.000 I've mentioned this in the past many times.
00:30:55.000 By the way, you can still get a gun in New York.
00:30:58.000 I have many guns.
00:31:00.000 You just get them registered in the suburbs, and if you're gonna go through Manhattan with them, you have them separated.
00:31:07.000 So you could have your handgun in your glove box, locked, and then you could have the ammunition in your trunk.
00:31:15.000 Now, obviously that's not ideal.
00:31:16.000 If you get carjacked, you're like, give me one second, hold on a second here, let's get this out, and then I'm just gonna go to the trunk and load up the clip.
00:31:23.000 But, um, that's still not that bad.
00:31:27.000 And there's shooting ranges all over Long Island and Westchester.
00:31:31.000 So it's not the gun desert I make it out to be, but Manhattan proper and the surrounding boroughs, real damn strict.
00:31:41.000 So what most dads do that I know, like in Hell's Kitchen and stuff, they just have guns. 0.61
00:31:45.000 So they're just risking a five-year prison sentence to keep their family safe, especially in black neighborhoods where there's a murder a day. 0.93
00:31:52.000 So some black dad 0.84
00:31:55.000 Like Maj Touré, who does, uh, Black Guns Matter. 1.00
00:31:58.000 Some black dad wants to stand by his kids and make sure they're safe in a criminal neighborhood where gangs like Trinitarios murder a 14 year old because they think he was in a video where a Trinitarios chick was being murdered, but they got the wrong kid.
00:32:11.000 Or Dominicans Don't Play, DDP. 0.95
00:32:14.000 Or Bloods and Crips we have in New York! 1.00
00:32:16.000 Much more- many more Bloods than Crips. 1.00
00:32:19.000 But, um,
00:32:21.000 Someone wants to protect themselves against those dangerous gangs, those dangerous products of welfare culture, and they're not allowed.
00:32:28.000 No, you may not.
00:32:29.000 It's too dangerous.
00:32:30.000 It's too dangerous for you to protect yourself.
00:32:34.000 But We The People Holsters is where people who live in sane communities shop, and they buy these customized, custom-fit holsters.
00:32:44.000 They've sent me some quips you can use with your We The People holsters.
00:32:48.000 Like, um...
00:32:51.000 Is that your gun, or are you just happy to see me?
00:32:53.000 American-made, lifetime guarantee, molded just for you.
00:32:56.000 Hey, do you have protection?
00:32:57.000 Of course I do.
00:32:58.000 You pull out the holster. 1.00
00:33:00.000 By the way, this We The People holsters does not advocate what I'm about to say, but I think condoms are stupid. 0.99
00:33:06.000 If you have venereal warts, she has them on her labia, and if you wear a condom, they're still gonna get on the base of your dink. 1.00
00:33:14.000 So, that's not a cure.
00:33:16.000 Well, what about gonorrhea and chlamydia, Gav?
00:33:19.000 They're not really a big deal.
00:33:21.000 Like, they're uncomfortable.
00:33:23.000 Gonorrhea, you get that pus. 1.00
00:33:24.000 With chlamydia, the only symptom is sore ears from girls screaming at you on the phone because you gave them chlamydia. 0.96
00:33:30.000 You don't have any symptoms.
00:33:32.000 And all you gotta do is go to the doctor and say, hey, I got chlamydia.
00:33:34.000 Can I have some antibiotics?
00:33:35.000 Boom, gone.
00:33:36.000 Here's a trick.
00:33:37.000 You say, I was with a virgin, and she got chlamydia from me, so I must have it. 0.99
00:33:43.000 That, you make this invisible virgin the proof, and then they don't do the swab where they go down your urethra with a big fat wood Q-tip, which is real painful. 1.00
00:33:54.000 Anyway, back to the We The People holsters. 0.52
00:33:56.000 We appreciate that you pull out in less than three seconds.
00:34:00.000 WeThePeopleHolsters.com.
00:34:01.000 And if you use the passcode GAVIN, I'm not doing those jokes justice, am I?
00:34:06.000 If you use the passcode GAVIN, you get a $10 discount.
00:34:08.000 So it's no longer $34, it's $24.
00:34:10.000 And these are hard-shelled, customized holsters that you can re-holster in a matter of seconds.
00:34:20.000 And I'm going to get that one as soon as I get my handgun.
00:34:23.000 Because, you know, speaking of unsafe, the guns I have are like gigantic rifles, .30-06 Beasts, AR-15s. 0.99
00:34:32.000 So if some poor bastard comes to rob me or hurt my family, I'm going to end up blowing his head off. 1.00
00:34:37.000 I don't necessarily want to blow his head off. 1.00
00:34:40.000 I want to stop him. 0.99
00:34:42.000 He will literally have no head. 0.98
00:34:44.000 When I bought the .30-06 rifle, the Huntsman, I said to the gun guy, what if I was to shoot a rabbit with this?
00:34:50.000 And he goes, it would just cease to be.
00:34:53.000 It wouldn't have a hole in it.
00:34:54.000 It would just be fur and dust.
00:34:56.000 It would just be gone. 0.92
00:34:59.000 So if I shoot someone in the head, it'll just be hair on the top, gigantic space, shoulders. 0.97
00:35:08.000 Anyway. 0.92
00:35:12.000 So, uh... What was I talking about?
00:35:15.000 Guns?
00:35:16.000 I think I genuinely... This might be the first episode where I went off on a tangent and wasn't able to bring it back.
00:35:23.000 That is shocking.
00:35:25.000 So, yeah.
00:35:27.000 Mastercraft would have... Jesse's armed to the teeth, by the way.
00:35:31.000 Jesus Lord, he has some beautiful guns.
00:35:34.000 Not the largest balls in the world, but, uh, yeah. 0.74
00:35:37.000 Pretty big guns. 0.92
00:35:40.000 Um...
00:35:42.000 So George Brett goes into the bathroom and he calls his manager and he goes, he goes, I took off my jeans.
00:35:51.000 I washed my legs with my jeans.
00:35:53.000 I threw my boots and my jeans in the garbage of the bathroom.
00:35:57.000 And I'm sitting here with just my shirt on, nude.
00:36:02.000 I need your help.
00:36:02.000 Thank God he answered, by the way.
00:36:04.000 What the fuck was George Brett planning to do if his manager didn't answer? 0.98
00:36:08.000 Just saunter up the stairs like when your girl sleeps over and she puts on your dress shirt to go get some coffee? 1.00
00:36:15.000 He would have looked like a sexy one-night stand, but with diarrhea on his legs. 0.99
00:36:20.000 Yeah. 0.99
00:36:23.000 Oh, dude, D.C. 0.99
00:36:24.000 is so disgusting. 0.87
00:36:25.000 I've been going there regularly for CRTV Tonight at CRTV.com.
00:36:28.000 Please check it out.
00:36:29.000 Passcode Gavin gets you $10 off.
00:36:31.000 Now it's only 90 bucks a year, I believe.
00:36:35.000 We have bums here, but they're pretty reasonable, and I think the beauty of New York is it's freezing cold and there's murderers everywhere, so we tend to call the herd pretty regularly.
00:36:45.000 For some reason, D.C.
00:36:47.000 doesn't call the herd.
00:36:48.000 I don't understand why, but the bums there are set up. 0.91
00:36:52.000 Like they've got living rooms, areas they hang out on the street where there's a bed, several couches, and you know, different, like there's, near the CRTV studio, there's a bum section here with all ages and genders, mostly black. 0.99
00:37:09.000 And then, across the street, there's another one, with a couch and a bed and some tables and stuff.
00:37:14.000 And they will constantly, like, go back and forth across the road and visit each other.
00:37:17.000 Not sure why they're not one team, but it's just, like, neighbours visiting each other.
00:37:22.000 And, uh, I was at the, uh, Kelly's Irish Times, a bar near there, and this guy comes up asking for money, completely nude.
00:37:31.000 He's a naked gentleman. 0.92
00:37:33.000 Uh, smells unbelievably bad. 0.94
00:37:35.000 People passed out all- by the train station is the worst.
00:37:38.000 Just someone eating fried chicken with one shoe on while their friend is passed out face down in the pavement.
00:37:43.000 I saw this old bum as I was getting on the train. 1.00
00:37:46.000 He was walking out and he was a white guy, probably like 80 years old, wearing the George Brett uniform that we just described. 0.96
00:37:53.000 A dress shirt with diarrhea on his legs.
00:37:56.000 Nothing else.
00:37:57.000 Nothing else. 1.00
00:37:57.000 He had shit on his legs. 1.00
00:38:00.000 And I'm thinking, what does the homeless shelter do? 1.00
00:38:02.000 Do they say, here, just sit on this plastic chair?
00:38:05.000 Or do they hose them down?
00:38:07.000 Or do they just say, sorry, we have standards.
00:38:09.000 No one drenched in diarrhea is allowed to come in here.
00:38:12.000 Because no one wants you here. 0.92
00:38:14.000 I don't want to be, I don't care how down and out you are, you don't want to be around people with diarrhea on their legs. 0.96
00:38:18.000 That's the one thing we can all agree on.
00:38:21.000 No matter who you are, you don't want to sit next to someone drenched in discharge.
00:38:27.000 Unless they just gave birth to your child.
00:38:29.000 At which point, it's cute.
00:38:32.000 Actually, dudes, I think we're out of time, but I can't be clear enough about this.
00:38:40.000 If your wife is giving birth, don't look down.
00:38:44.000 They have a green blanket there for a reason.
00:38:46.000 You're not meant to look.
00:38:48.000 And I've seen guys just sort of catatonic for weeks after because they looked. 1.00
00:38:54.000 Her vagina stretches, I don't know if you know this, but her vagina stretches wide enough to make a child come out. 1.00
00:39:01.000 That's unusual, especially at the beginning when you're looking at your son's hair on his head in her vagina. 1.00
00:39:07.000 It is bizarre. 0.99
00:39:09.000 You know what I was thinking, by the way?
00:39:13.000 One of my favorite jokes is to say to women that are pregnant, 1.00
00:39:18.000 I thought it'd be funny to do a sketch where there's five pregnant women discussing it 1.00
00:39:35.000 And sort of rolling their eyes like, oh my god, their cravings are insane!
00:39:38.000 But I think that they matter, too.
00:39:40.000 Like, I was craving grapefruit, like nuts.
00:39:43.000 And I ate about five.
00:39:44.000 And then I read online that my baby was at the point where they're building the brain, and you need citric acid for that.
00:39:50.000 So, the craving had a purpose.
00:39:52.000 It was really interesting.
00:39:53.000 And then, amongst all these super eight-and-a-half-month pregnant women is a guy. 0.88
00:39:58.000 And he's talking the same as them.
00:40:00.000 And he goes, the feet swelling gets a little tedious.
00:40:05.000 And they go, what?
00:40:06.000 How do you know?
00:40:07.000 And he goes, oh, I've read a lot about pregnancy, so I'm kind of, I wouldn't say an expert, but I know a lot.
00:40:15.000 Another thing, you cannot, you don't know where to sleep.
00:40:18.000 I mean, you're never comfortable.
00:40:19.000 It's like, should I sleep on my side?
00:40:21.000 Should I sleep on my back?
00:40:23.000 And he's just vibing with them and they're sort of looking over at him.
00:40:26.000 Uncomfortable.
00:40:27.000 Wouldn't that be cool?
00:40:29.000 That would be funny.
00:40:29.000 It would be like a German Rastafarian.
00:40:32.000 Hey, what are you guys doing?
00:40:33.000 Yeah, we're just, you know, we're just trying to get I.R.I.
00:40:37.000 as we hang out with Jaa.
00:40:40.000 And he's got big white dreads and he's sitting with them.
00:40:44.000 They'd probably like it because it was so unusual.
00:40:47.000 Germans are really into every other culture but their own. 0.97
00:40:49.000 Probably the Hitler thing. 0.95
00:40:50.000 But I noticed when my wife worked at the American Indian Museum, there'd be some powwow or something that the Indians put on, and Germans just want to be down so bad. 1.00
00:40:58.000 There's a German guy at every powwow.
00:41:00.000 In fact, my wife's tribe, the Ho-Chunks, 1.00
00:41:03.000 They got this big grant to preserve their language.
00:41:06.000 It was like 10 million bucks because all the Ho-Chunk speakers are dying. 1.00
00:41:11.000 And the Germans just couldn't wait to get involved. 0.79
00:41:13.000 We want to help you with Ho-Chunk. 1.00
00:41:16.000 We've learned it, and we can speak and write it, and we'd like to help people spread the language of the Ho-Chunk.
00:41:23.000 And it's like, dude, they don't want to be your friend.
00:41:26.000 Hey, hey white guys that are trying to be down, they don't like you. 0.99
00:41:30.000 Hey liberals that are so desperate to have black friends, the black people don't like you. 1.00
00:41:34.000 Sorry. 0.99
00:41:35.000 You'll never be down, no matter how many of the colloquialisms, black colloquialisms you use, or how many cool handshakes you learn, or how much rap, how many Wu-Tang hats you wear.
00:41:46.000 You're never gonna be part of the club.
00:41:48.000 You shouldn't want to be.
00:41:49.000 You shouldn't want to want to be in someone else's club that badly.
00:41:53.000 I think that's why I get along with African-American people of color so well because I don't do the handshake and I'm not I'm not trying to be your friend. 0.94
00:42:06.000 Yeah, that's the show.
00:42:08.000 Actually, you know what?
00:42:09.000 I have to say something about that last subject that, to be totally honest, I used to work with a guy at my ad agency, the camera dude, and he was really tall, like 6'5", so he played basketball in college.
00:42:21.000 And so his friends were all black for most of his life. 0.99
00:42:23.000 So we had these mannerisms, if you will, where he was like, yo, what's up?
00:42:28.000 You know, yo.
00:42:30.000 And he'd do the handshake and everything.
00:42:32.000 And I never do the black handshake.
00:42:34.000 I always just force the hand normal.
00:42:36.000 And then if they want to do more stuff after I pull away, no.
00:42:39.000 I'm not doing that back patting thing.
00:42:41.000 I'm not accepting a rap award.
00:42:43.000 So I'm doing a normal handshake.
00:42:44.000 I'm not trying to be down.
00:42:45.000 And he's always like, yo, what's up?
00:42:47.000 What's good, baby?
00:42:48.000 Oh, for real?
00:42:49.000 And he would do the handshake.
00:42:50.000 And I want the takeaway from that story to be the black guys appreciated me more than him.
00:42:56.000 Because I didn't talk in a fake accent.
00:42:59.000 That sounds good.
00:43:01.000 And it has a good message, I believe, but it's actually not true.
00:43:05.000 The truth is they loved hanging out with him.
00:43:08.000 They loved doing the handshake.
00:43:10.000 They felt more relaxed around him because he would use the same colloquialisms and everything.
00:43:15.000 So I do get along very well with black people, but I think it's because 1.00
00:43:20.000 I don't know.
00:43:21.000 Scottish culture and black culture is similar in many ways.
00:43:24.000 And Thomas Sowell blames the worst of black culture on the Scots. 0.91
00:43:28.000 In a book called Black Rednecks, White Liberals, he argues that the origin of ghetto culture comes from blacks imitating the offensive mannerisms of Scottish and Irish drunks. 0.97
00:43:42.000 Sorry, Tom. 0.87
00:43:43.000 You're a genius and everything, but I'm not taking responsibility for Lil Wayne.
00:43:51.000 Anyway, CRTV.com is where you have to go to see the show Get Off My Lawn.
00:43:55.000 We do it every day.
00:43:56.000 We've got a new funny guy on who does imitations.
00:44:00.000 You see?
00:44:01.000 That was funny.
00:44:02.000 Uh, I, and with your, I think it's 10 bucks a month, you get Steven Crowder, Mark Levin, like 15 other shows, Michelle Malkin, Phil Robertson, the Duck Dynasty guy, um, you get more TV than you could possibly watch, honestly.
00:44:17.000 Very informative stuff.
00:44:18.000 My show, of course, is the funniest because I'm amazing.
00:44:21.000 But Steven Crowder is neck and neck.
00:44:23.000 And then Levin is smarter than me.
00:44:25.000 So you can tune in to him to get informed.
00:44:27.000 And Phil Robertson is just so soothing.
00:44:29.000 You watch his show.
00:44:30.000 You could be having a bad acid trip and you'd watch his show and you'd just go, I gots to chill. 0.87
00:44:35.000 Oh, I'm trying to get black friends by using their mannerisms. 1.00
00:44:39.000 So CRTV.com is where you go to see Get Off My Lawn, which is my show that airs
00:44:44.000 Six times a fortnight is the easiest way to say it.
00:44:48.000 Four nights one week, two nights the other week, and the short week is short because I got to go to DC and shoot CRTV Tonight. 0.71
00:44:55.000 Which is a red-eye type of talk show with a panel of guests and we do... Like, I keep that super ridiculous. 0.99
00:45:02.000 Like, you know, Kim Kardashian's butt. 0.99
00:45:04.000 Celebrity gossip. 0.98
00:45:06.000 It's pretty apolitical.
00:45:08.000 And that's got a halftime thing where we sit down and do a long talk with someone.
00:45:12.000 And we always play a game at the end.
00:45:14.000 Like last week we played, who's the best gay?
00:45:18.000 And there was a lot of... A good close-up was...
00:45:24.000 Milo Yiannopoulos was a good vote.
00:45:26.000 Mine is Tom Ford.
00:45:27.000 I chose Tom Ford.
00:45:30.000 My wife suggested John Waters, which I think beats Tom Ford.
00:45:35.000 Although, I'm not sure I've ever really enjoyed any of John Waters' movies, but he is a great guy.
00:45:41.000 And he did say, my ultimate goal with movies is to have someone throw up in the theater.
00:45:47.000 That was pretty cool. 1.00
00:45:52.000 But, uh, you know, Not Gay Jared was on the show and he suggested, uh, uh, Eleanor Roosevelt and my stupid brain, my retard brain, heard Amelia Earhart. 0.98
00:46:05.000 So I started criticizing him going, ah, Amelia Earhart wasn't, I mean, Eleanor Roosevelt wasn't so great. 0.97
00:46:11.000 She, uh, no, I like doing it as a picture now, Dave.
00:46:16.000 Um, Amelia Earhart, uh, she didn't even, no, I said, Eleanor Roosevelt didn't even drive the plane.
00:46:21.000 She was a passenger in the plane.
00:46:23.000 And I realized, like, the next day that I was talking about Amelia Earhart the whole time.
00:46:28.000 So, tune into that episode to see someone make absolutely no sense discussing Eleanor Roosevelt.
00:46:34.000 But yeah, and then there's After Hours, the sort of long sit-downy show, where I sound like Joe Rogan.
00:46:39.000 Who, by the way, folks at home, Joe Rogan is here!
00:46:43.000 Joe Rogan just walked into the studio, and, uh, he wants to say hello.
00:46:47.000 Joe, how are you doing?
00:46:49.000 Hey, man, I just got done with my, uh, they got these, um, Jamie, pull this up.
00:46:54.000 They have these new shake weights, and, uh, they're like little eggs or something, man. 0.96
00:46:58.000 They're fuckin' badass, man. 0.87
00:47:01.000 Okay, Joe, Jamie's not here. 0.97
00:47:05.000 You're in my studio now.
00:47:09.000 Joey Diaz gave me the... We went to this UFC thing. 0.98
00:47:12.000 It was fucking badass, man. 0.91
00:47:13.000 Jamie, see if you can pull that up. 0.97
00:47:18.000 Alright, folks.
00:47:18.000 I like you more than a friend.
00:47:20.000 And I'll see you Friday.