Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - July 27, 2018


Get Off My Lawn Podcast #70 | There's a weird bald dude in front of my house.

Topics
gay paranoia
Hosted by
Gavin McInnes
Mentioned
Yasser Arafat Danny D-A-N-Y Hillary Clinton YOU'RE GONNA Joe Rogan Dude Charles Bronson Terry Shepard Niagara Falls James Damore Buzz Laldrin Jack Daniels Marvin Glass Jim Gaffigan Larry David Danny Tizar Danny Tirza David Cross Grey Goose Don Imus and 15 more
Ep 161 | Who Is America?| Get Off My Lawn Ep 162 | Walk Of Shame | Get Off My Lawn

Episode Stats


Length

49 minutes

Words per minute

183.31

Word count

9,141

Sentence count

887

Harmful content

Misogyny

56

sentences flagged

Toxicity

343

sentences flagged

Hate speech

71

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

Bald guys in front of my house drive me nuts, and I'm in the suburbs, where everyone is nice and I don't have to deal with them anymore. I'm here in the burbs, and there's a weird bald guy in the front yard of my home, and he's wearing flip-flops and shorts and a t-shirt that makes him look like a preemie that was born too soon. I want to just put them in plexiglass so he looks like a kid who was born a little too soon, and then grow a beard on the sides and wear a hat like a baseball hat or something. But when you're not built like a brick shithouse, and you're skinny and bald, and have some stubble and a bit of hair on your head, you look like you're dying. Otherwise, you're like a cancer patient. And here's the other big problem: I'm from New York City, and here's a long story about a guy who stole my briefcase one time, and it's not a good one. I don t know why he stole it, but he did it. I'm not going to lie, it's a good story. If you have a junkie in your life, are you an idiot? If you're an idiot, you need to lose something, and if you don't let that cross your mind, you'll lose something. This is the kind of story I'm going to tell you about a time I had a guy try to steal something from me, and get away with it. I think it was a good day in the rest of my life. I'll tell you why you should be an idiot. (and I'm sure you'll agree with me on this is a good thing if you are an idiot in some way, so you don t lose something you should let me tell me about it and I'll let you know if you're a thief, and let me know what you think about it in the comments section so you can help me out of your house Thanks for listening to this podcast thank you for listening or not being an idiot Thank you for being a bad guy love you, bye, bye bye, Jon Jon . - Tom <333 - - Tim (A.S. - ( )

Transcript

Transcripts from "Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes" are sourced from the Knowledge Fight Interactive Search Tool. Explore them interactively here.
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Toxicity classifications generated with s-nlp/roberta_toxicity_classifier .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
Topics generated with Qwen2.5-3B-Instruct.
Hosts, guests, and mentioned names generated with spaCy (en_core_web_sm), reconciled against Wikidata.
00:00:00.000 There was a weird bald dude in front of my house all week.
00:00:04.000 Now my house is near a park.
00:00:05.000 It's got baseball diamonds in it and a public pool.
00:00:09.000 Out here in the burbs.
00:00:10.000 But there's a little corner of it that ends with my house.
00:00:14.000 And this weird bald dude, there's a big bush.
00:00:17.000 Right in front of my house and there's this bald dude sitting there.
00:00:19.000 He's doing this thing that drives me nuts, by the way. 0.79
00:00:22.000 When bald guys wear flip-flops and big shorts and a big t-shirt, they look so naked and nude and vulnerable. 0.94
00:00:30.000 They look like a preemie. 0.92
00:00:32.000 They look like a baby that was born too soon.
00:00:34.000 I want to just put them in plexiglass. 1.00
00:00:38.000 Dude, I understand being bald sucks. 0.98
00:00:40.000 I'm probably headed there myself. 0.96
00:00:42.000 But grow a beard and grow out the sides and wear a hat, like a baseball hat or something.
00:00:48.000 Don't put glasses on your head, by the way. 0.98
00:00:50.000 That is the dumbest toupee I've ever seen that plastic toupee guys wear. 1.00
00:00:54.000 They'll wear sunglasses or just their own glasses on top of their head. 0.98
00:00:58.000 Like that Don Imus producer, pretty cool guy, great guy, I love him, but the glasses on the head thing is like, I know subconsciously you feel like there should be something up there, and you need your glasses, so you pop them on your head.
00:01:10.000 So I got a baseball game the other day and he had sunglasses on his head to create the illusion of plastic bangs.
00:01:15.000 It's really irritating and say you are bald, right? 0.91
00:01:19.000 It's like being ugly or having a big mole on your face or something or having like an insane nose like James Damore. 0.96
00:01:25.000 The dude who was fired from Google. 0.97
00:01:27.000 He looks like a toucan.
00:01:28.000 So you have a handicap.
00:01:29.000 That's fine.
00:01:30.000 We all have handicaps.
00:01:31.000 I have no chin.
00:01:33.000 I built a fake chin out of hair.
00:01:38.000 But when you're just like, the only guy who can get away with flip-flops and, you know, a baggy shirt would maybe be Terry Shepard, you know, a Navy SEAL, or some sort of MMA guy.
00:01:49.000 Joe Rogan could probably do it.
00:01:51.000 But if you're not built like a brick shithouse, and you're skinny and bald, wear rod lavers, khakis from J.Crew, and a sports-themed t-shirt, and have some stubble and a bit of hair on your head. 0.93
00:02:05.000 Otherwise, you look like you're dying. 0.98
00:02:07.000 You look like a cancer patient. 0.68
00:02:09.000 Anyway, so this cancer patient is in front of my house.
00:02:12.000 And, uh... I don't like that.
00:02:16.000 Because I'm a public figure, so... And here's the other big problem.
00:02:20.000 I'm in the suburbs now, where everyone is nice.
00:02:23.000 And there's no problems.
00:02:24.000 But I'm from New York City.
00:02:26.000 Past 15 years.
00:02:28.000 So, uh... Uh... Everything sketches me out.
00:02:33.000 It's weird moving to the suburbs because you're used to always having your back up.
00:02:38.000 You're having your ears pricked, as they say in Britain.
00:02:41.000 I remember there was that Buzz Laldrin guy who had a big... What do you call that when you read a thing to a bunch of graduating kids?
00:02:49.000 State of the Union for kids thingamadoodle?
00:02:52.000 And he said, stay in New York till you're hard, then move to LA until you're soft. 0.99
00:02:57.000 There's weird penile connotations to those adjectives, but he meant, you know, stay in New York till you're a vicious killer, and then chill out. 0.96
00:03:05.000 And I think I stayed in New York too long, because every- I'm always looking at people, like, what's going on with you? 0.96
00:03:10.000 Actually, it's a good instinct to have, and you'll see that later on, because I got a long story here.
00:03:15.000 So,
00:03:16.000 I got a bad vibe about him.
00:03:18.000 Now, here's another problem.
00:03:19.000 So you live in New York City, and you're always sketched out.
00:03:22.000 Everyone could be fighting you at any moment, so you're always on your tippy-toes.
00:03:26.000 What?
00:03:26.000 What'd you say?
00:03:28.000 What's going on over there?
00:03:29.000 You never, like, I don't know how many times I've stopped walking, gone two steps to the right, and let the person behind me overtake me, because I don't like the way they're walking.
00:03:37.000 I'm convinced one time a guy was trying to steal my briefcase, because I just did a 90-degree turn and crossed the street, and I could see him sort of going,
00:03:46.000 A white junkie. 0.95
00:03:48.000 Junkies are thieves. 1.00
00:03:50.000 End of story. 0.93
00:03:52.000 If you have a junkie in your life, and you lose something, you didn't lose it, he stole it.
00:03:58.000 Get it back. 1.00
00:03:59.000 I don't know why you let a junkie in your house, you're an idiot. 1.00
00:04:03.000 So, I have that, right? 1.00
00:04:05.000 This sort of paranoia that's healthy in a lot of places.
00:04:10.000 I'm also married to an Indian.
00:04:13.000 Now, here's a deal I'm learning after 15 years or whatever it's been with this Indian. 1.00
00:04:19.000 They're paranoid. 0.69
00:04:20.000 The ones who are totally open-minded and think things are going to be groovy are dead. 0.98
00:04:25.000 We gave them smallpox.
00:04:28.000 That's a myth, by the way.
00:04:29.000 Just time out.
00:04:29.000 Time out!
00:04:32.000 The smallpox thing was a discussion two generals had during the 400-year war.
00:04:38.000 And one of them goes, what about this?
00:04:40.000 What if we give them smallpox?
00:04:42.000 Like, what if we put smallpox in blankets or something like that? 1.00
00:04:45.000 We could probably kill a lot of them. 0.90
00:04:47.000 And then the other guy goes, nah, it sounds too dangerous. 1.00
00:04:50.000 It's not the future.
00:04:51.000 We don't have labs yet.
00:04:52.000 We're just here in the woods.
00:04:53.000 I feel like we'd end up giving ourselves smallpox.
00:04:56.000 You know, like in the future when those, uh, suicide bombers blow themselves up.
00:05:00.000 I feel like that'll be us. 0.99
00:05:03.000 And, uh, the other general went, yeah, what the fuck am I talking about? 0.98
00:05:07.000 One of my many stupid ideas, probably because I haven't eaten in four days, and I've been drinking this diarrhea water from a puddle, and I'm not thinking straight, but thanks for correcting me, Lieutenant Smarty Pants. 0.99
00:05:19.000 That was the whole smallpox thing. 0.99
00:05:21.000 But anyway.
00:05:21.000 It never happened.
00:05:23.000 Paranoid Indians abound. 1.00
00:05:26.000 Even her mother is paranoid.
00:05:28.000 Like, I remember we were upstate at our country house, which we've since sold, and my brother and my brother-in-law are around the same age, and they go out to get some beers.
00:05:39.000 Go to a bar.
00:05:40.000 There's lots of bars everywhere in the world.
00:05:42.000 Well, everywhere in the Western world.
00:05:45.000 And they're gone for a tiny bit longer than you'd think.
00:05:49.000 So my mother-in-law starts going, I think they're in danger.
00:05:52.000 I think maybe it was snowing like crazy.
00:05:54.000 I think they crashed the car.
00:05:55.000 They could be stranded.
00:05:57.000 They could be freezing to death. 0.80
00:05:58.000 Now Scottish people, Scots and Indians are a bad combination. 1.00
00:06:02.000 Because Scots are so open-minded that they're like, you think so?
00:06:07.000 You think they could be digged?
00:06:09.000 That's terrible, that.
00:06:11.000 I should go take care of that.
00:06:13.000 So my dad jumps in his car and starts driving around going bar to bar to bar trying to find them.
00:06:18.000 In fact, I found out from a local bartender that he went in there and he said, I'm looking for these two boys.
00:06:23.000 One looks like Charles Bronson, the other looks like a tall Gavin McInnes.
00:06:27.000 And the guy says, oh yeah, they were in here.
00:06:31.000 They're good guys.
00:06:32.000 And then my dad goes, no, they're not! 1.00
00:06:33.000 They're fucking idiots! 1.00
00:06:35.000 He's mad at them for making everyone worry, but it wasn't their fault. 1.00
00:06:40.000 It was the Indians.
00:06:42.000 Sort of like, you know what's a strange combination?
00:06:45.000 Israelis and Arabs.
00:06:47.000 Genetically.
00:06:48.000 Israel is a strange genetic, it's a genetic conundrum at the end of the day. 0.98
00:06:53.000 Because
00:06:54.000 Arab culture over centuries has been breed the strongest, toughest, most scary dude. 1.00
00:07:02.000 That's their hierarchy of values is warrior.
00:07:06.000 So I don't care about intelligence or anything. 0.99
00:07:07.000 I just want the most scary motherfucker to be the top. 0.99
00:07:11.000 Breed him with stuff and make more of them. 1.00
00:07:13.000 So you end up with a whole tribe of violent, scary dudes. 0.95
00:07:19.000 Conversely, Jewish culture has always been 1.00
00:07:24.000 The rabbi, the smartest guy in the tribe, is the best.
00:07:28.000 I don't care how strong he is or how violent he is.
00:07:31.000 The smartest guy is the best.
00:07:32.000 Let's make him a rabbi, and let's match him up with the most successful, richest guy's daughter. 0.99
00:07:37.000 Let's breed that. 1.00
00:07:38.000 Now, it's not necessarily a conscious decision, but culturally, when there's merit in this, then that becomes the tribe, right?
00:07:45.000 If long legs were cool, then those people would end up being 6'5". 0.99
00:07:53.000 It's like a cultural evolution becoming biological evolution.
00:07:59.000 So Jews end up, if they're culturally, you know, within their group, like Israel, not, you know, part of a bigger picture like in America, where they would crossbreed and stuff. 0.60
00:08:09.000 Jews, cultural Jews, end up being highly intellectual and not necessarily violent and tough.
00:08:17.000 Then you put these two groups right next to each other in the Middle East.
00:08:22.000 So you have this over-thinky group who pontificates too much and is always stroking their beards going, what does that mean exactly?
00:08:30.000 I mean, when you think about it, you know, a lot of our comedy is Jewish. 0.98
00:08:34.000 Like Larry David, his whole thing is like, what are you doing, you pig parker? 1.00
00:08:37.000 You can't park there. 0.86
00:08:37.000 Everyone has to park in between the lines. 0.86
00:08:40.000 They're very thinky, like Seinfeld is very pontificating.
00:08:43.000 You know, minutiae, focusing on minutiae.
00:08:46.000 That's not an Arab thing.
00:08:47.000 Arab thing is just... 1.00
00:08:52.000 Aloha Akbar!
00:08:54.000 So...
00:08:55.000 Terror ends up being the perfect way to fight this group.
00:09:02.000 So the Arabs go, I'm tough. 0.98
00:09:03.000 I'm violent. 0.99
00:09:05.000 I'm a badass. 0.99
00:09:07.000 I'm going to throw a rocket over here. 1.00
00:09:09.000 And instead of them going, fuck you, and blowing up everyone who did it, they go, oh, what are they doing? 1.00
00:09:14.000 Oh, they're throwing rockets. 1.00
00:09:15.000 We should try to negotiate.
00:09:16.000 We should try to work it out.
00:09:16.000 Hmm, what's their point?
00:09:18.000 Let's have Camp David.
00:09:19.000 Let's invite Yasser Arafat.
00:09:20.000 Bill Clinton will come down.
00:09:21.000 We'll work it out.
00:09:22.000 We'll work it out.
00:09:22.000 Let's talk about it.
00:09:23.000 Here, I have some charts.
00:09:25.000 The Palestinians don't want charts. 1.00
00:09:27.000 They want Israel. 0.96
00:09:29.000 They just want you to leave and to take it over.
00:09:31.000 No negotiation.
00:09:32.000 Bill Clinton had a great plan.
00:09:35.000 That wasn't that generous to the Israelis, by the way.
00:09:37.000 It was a very pro-Palestinian plan.
00:09:39.000 And Yasser Arafat went, uh, I don't like it.
00:09:41.000 Actually, no, I think he just walked out and left.
00:09:45.000 So when you're dealing with an intellectual, terror is an excellent tool because you throw in one rocket and they have 500 discussions. 1.00
00:09:55.000 That was what frustrated me when I was in Israel because I was just like, just kick their ass, stop being a pussy. 1.00
00:10:01.000 I met this guy, Danny D-A-N-Y Teejar, or something like that. 1.00
00:10:01.000 And they did. 1.00
00:10:07.000 He was the one who, um, built the wall.
00:10:11.000 And even he was so apologetic about it.
00:10:15.000 Oh, you know, people say this wall is ugly!
00:10:17.000 And I just put my fingers on his lips.
00:10:20.000 Shh, Danny, shh.
00:10:22.000 It's beautiful. 1.00
00:10:24.000 My only regret with this wall is you don't have a pocket pussy every six feet so I can fuck it. 1.00
00:10:30.000 This is a work of art. 1.00
00:10:32.000 We need this.
00:10:33.000 In fact, Forbes had a big article like Trump needs to talk to Danny Tizar about the wall.
00:10:40.000 I actually have that article.
00:10:42.000 I was just reading about this the other day.
00:10:45.000 Now I can't find it. 0.99
00:10:46.000 God damn it! 0.99
00:10:47.000 Show full history. 0.99
00:10:50.000 Uh, Forbes, Forbesity, Forbes.
00:10:52.000 This is not a good podcast.
00:10:53.000 I'm wasting your time and I'm already in a tangent.
00:10:56.000 Here we go.
00:10:56.000 Israeli, oh here we go, Forbes.
00:10:59.000 Um, what Trump can learn from the man who built Israel's border walls.
00:11:02.000 And by the way, only 5% of it is that big giant monstrosity that Banksy wants to do graffiti on.
00:11:08.000 The other 95 is just a normal looking fence.
00:11:10.000 Danny Terza is his name.
00:11:12.000 T-I-R-Z-A. 1.00
00:11:13.000 D-A-N-Y. 1.00
00:11:15.000 The rest of it is just a smart fence where you've got, you know, a mile of barbed wire with sensors and someone comes near it, two guys jump in a truck and head over and go, what are you doing? 0.99
00:11:26.000 Get the fuck back. 0.91
00:11:28.000 Isn't it weird, by the way, that someone's mad at a wall? 1.00
00:11:32.000 Like if your neighbor builds a stainless steel front door, you get pissed off?
00:11:36.000 That means you want to go to your neighbor's house, isn't it? 0.99
00:11:39.000 If your neighbor makes his entire home steel, but it looks fine and doesn't hurt the property value in the neighborhood, why do you give a shit? 0.99
00:11:45.000 You clearly want to come over to my house. 0.99
00:11:50.000 Anyway, so that's a funny combination, Israelis and Arabs.
00:11:52.000 I mean, it just looks like two people, like the Balkans with the Croats and the Serbs, but it's not that.
00:11:58.000 It's two totally genetically different people with totally different values.
00:12:02.000 And I think the Palestinians appreciate strength. 0.99
00:12:05.000 So I think they see the wall as a giant fuck you, and I think they go, hmm, that's kind of badass. 0.98
00:12:11.000 They've stopped stroking their beards and being intellectuals, and now they want to fight and play hardball. 0.99
00:12:17.000 I appreciate that.
00:12:19.000 Never heard any Palestinians say that, but my gut says that's their instinct. 0.98
00:12:23.000 That's their sort of subliminal, subconscious feeling about it.
00:12:28.000 Anyway, Indians and Scots are similarly mismatched. 0.99
00:12:33.000 And when someone says, those people are fucking with you, you go, they are? 0.99
00:12:38.000 Yeah, I'm gonna check that out. 1.00
00:12:40.000 Hear you? 1.00
00:12:41.000 Are you fucking with me? 1.00
00:12:43.000 And inevitably the person goes, no, you're with an Indian and they got in your head. 1.00
00:12:48.000 So my wife gets in my head about this bald dude. 0.99
00:12:51.000 And she's like, what the fuck's going on with that guy? 0.99
00:12:53.000 I don't like that. 0.99
00:12:54.000 The kids are around.
00:12:55.000 I don't like him. 1.00
00:12:56.000 And then I go, he's here to kill the kids. 1.00
00:13:00.000 He's goney. 1.00
00:13:01.000 He's staking out the place.
00:13:02.000 He's learning my habits.
00:13:04.000 I've got to confront him.
00:13:07.000 So I go outside, but then I think, wait, what if I'm wrong? 0.86
00:13:10.000 Or what if he's a lunatic and I go, what are you doing here?
00:13:13.000 And the worst thing you can do with like a stalker or a mental person is confront them. 1.00
00:13:18.000 Next time a homeless person messes with you, sit, tell him to fuck off and watch him follow you for the rest of your life. 1.00
00:13:18.000 Try it. 1.00
00:13:24.000 So they're kind of like a tar, like you touch them and then you get on your fingers and you touch your other hand. 0.96
00:13:30.000 Next thing you know, you're covered in homeless, crazy person.
00:13:33.000 So I don't do that.
00:13:34.000 I follow him.
00:13:37.000 I wait until he leaves.
00:13:39.000 And then I follow him.
00:13:41.000 And he walks down through the park.
00:13:43.000 And I'm hiding behind bushes like Inspector Gadget.
00:13:48.000 And I never quite let him out of my sight.
00:13:50.000 Here's a good trick, by the way, I've learned in my one time doing detective work.
00:13:55.000 Have your phone in your hand and be mimicking FaceTime.
00:13:59.000 So I'm moving my lips like...
00:14:03.000 Looking at my phone in case he turns around.
00:14:05.000 I'm not following you dude.
00:14:06.000 I'm talking to my great aunt.
00:14:09.000 So he goes down and then he goes by far end of the park where the baseball diamonds are and he starts going through the bushes there.
00:14:18.000 Oh no!
00:14:18.000 First he goes to the garbage and he shakes his backpack out in the garbage.
00:14:24.000 You weren't near a beach.
00:14:24.000 What?
00:14:25.000 There's no sand.
00:14:26.000 What are you doing?
00:14:27.000 And then he goes to the bushes.
00:14:29.000 Does something in the bushes.
00:14:30.000 I assume that's like his camp at this point.
00:14:33.000 And then he leaves.
00:14:36.000 And so I follow him.
00:14:37.000 And then I lose sight of him, I don't know how, and he's gone.
00:14:41.000 Now, I'm at a point now where I'm at the far end of the park where it's beautiful, pastoral, there's no kids near there.
00:14:48.000 That's all rich people, honestly, $10 million homes.
00:14:51.000 So he must have gone into one of the $10 million homes.
00:14:54.000 So I think, that's weird.
00:14:56.000 And then I go, I give up, right?
00:14:59.000 Because I checked all the other roads, so he must be in one of these homes, because he's nowhere down any road.
00:15:05.000 So I come back to the stash spot, in the bushes, and I start going through the bushes.
00:15:09.000 Very thorny bushes, not the kind of place you could camp.
00:15:12.000 And I see, um... Beer cans, about four beer cans.
00:15:18.000 Fancy beer. 1.00
00:15:19.000 Some stupid stout ale, fucking pumpkin bullshit. 1.00
00:15:23.000 Why the fuck you would want to have anything but the king of beers is a mystery to me. 1.00
00:15:28.000 Why do you want a prince or a pauper when there's a king named Budweiser's right there for less than a dollar a beer? 1.00
00:15:35.000 I think Budweiser is the same price it was when I was a kid in 1984 when I started drinking.
00:15:42.000 I don't think Bud has adjusted their price. 0.80
00:15:44.000 That's pretty fucking reasonable, by the way.
00:15:48.000 I'm at the point now where if I have guests over, like we're having a party, I don't get fancy beers. 1.00
00:15:53.000 Fuck them. 1.00
00:15:54.000 I don't want you in my house. 1.00
00:15:56.000 We're not getting your stupid fucking India Pale Ale IPA shit. 1.00
00:16:00.000 Fuck you, craft beer faggot. 1.00
00:16:07.000 Drink butter, don't drink, or don't come over. 1.00
00:16:11.000 I could not have had a beer for 48 hours, which is basically worse than Lent.
00:16:18.000 And if someone offered me an India Pale Ale, I would consider that nothing.
00:16:21.000 Same with Jack Daniels.
00:16:22.000 If I'm on a plane and they don't have Makers or Woodford or some sort of bourbon, I just, oh well, I guess I'm not going to enjoy this flight. 1.00
00:16:28.000 Fuck you. 1.00
00:16:31.000 That's the way it is when you're old. 1.00
00:16:32.000 That was the annoying thing about that movie Flight with Denzel Washington about the guy who did coke and was drunk and he saved everyone by turning a plane upside down.
00:16:39.000 And then he got in trouble anyway because he was drunk.
00:16:42.000 And then when he's trying to get clean, he's throwing out all his booze and he's throwing out vodka and whiskey and bourbon and 32 different types of beer.
00:16:50.000 Hey, writers of Flight, that's not what us drunks do.
00:16:53.000 We have our two brands, Budweiser, Maker's Mark.
00:16:57.000 Usually drunks have vodka.
00:16:59.000 And they'll have a fancy vodka because, I don't know why, they'll have Grey Goose or something.
00:17:02.000 But, us drunks have our one brand.
00:17:05.000 And if they don't have that brand, they don't have anything.
00:17:07.000 I could be dying for a booze.
00:17:09.000 And my wife will have like a vodka martini. 1.00
00:17:12.000 There's vodka in the fridge, in the wine cooler thing.
00:17:16.000 But I just, that's the same as no booze. 0.99
00:17:18.000 And I'll just go, shit, we're out of booze. 0.99
00:17:20.000 If we don't have butter makers, we're out of booze. 0.96
00:17:23.000 Anyway, he has these weird IPAs there.
00:17:25.000 And then I come back and there he is!
00:17:28.000 I guess he went in to get something?
00:17:30.000 Maybe a glass of water or something?
00:17:33.000 And there he is on the street and he's having a FaceTime call.
00:17:35.000 And I do this thing that men do where what you're saying is not the thing you're saying.
00:17:40.000 The actual verbiage, the dialogue is totally irrelevant and it's all about body language.
00:17:45.000 And so I go, how you doing?
00:17:47.000 And he goes, I'm on a call. 0.99
00:17:49.000 Little fucking creamy with his headphones. 0.99
00:17:52.000 And I go, okay. 0.99
00:17:54.000 I notice you're at the park there. 1.00
00:17:56.000 And then he sort of motions to his headphones, and I basically say with my body that I don't give a fuck about your stupid call, you unemployed dork. 1.00
00:18:04.000 And he goes, yeah, yeah, I was there. 1.00
00:18:08.000 And I go, what's going on?
00:18:09.000 Is that your spot?
00:18:10.000 You got your spot there by the bush, just sitting on the ground by a bush, not near a bench or anything?
00:18:15.000 And he goes, yeah, yeah.
00:18:17.000 You like that?
00:18:20.000 Dude, I was at the boxing gym the other day, and there was a black and a white guy.
00:18:24.000 And they were lower middle class.
00:18:27.000 And usually if kids are at a gym, boxing gym, they're not there for sport.
00:18:30.000 They're there because they're going to pursue this professionally.
00:18:34.000 So they're good fighters. 0.77
00:18:35.000 But the black guy's better than the white guy, obviously. 0.98
00:18:38.000 And the black guy's very dark-skinned and taller than the white guy. 0.95
00:18:40.000 And they're saying, we gotta move out, man.
00:18:42.000 Live in our parents' house. 1.00
00:18:43.000 And the black guy's like, fuck that, man. 1.00
00:18:44.000 I ain't trying to pay no rent. 1.00
00:18:48.000 That's the new hot thing.
00:18:50.000 Ain't trying.
00:18:50.000 I was at the beach.
00:18:51.000 And there's this white kid in the lifeguard, in the head lifeguard, who's an old dude, comes over and he goes, how's it going over here?
00:18:57.000 And he goes, well, that kid, she ain't trying to put a shirt on. 1.00
00:19:00.000 There was like a five-year-old girl who was topless. 0.99
00:19:02.000 You could see her big, huge, pendulous tits hanging down. 1.00
00:19:05.000 Who cares if a five... There's no such thing as a topless five-year-old, okay, of any gender. 1.00
00:19:10.000 You need tits before it's an issue. 1.00
00:19:13.000 Maybe 11, 12 and up we can start talking. 1.00
00:19:15.000 What the fuck? 1.00
00:19:16.000 Why do you care about a five-year-old, you disgusting pig? 1.00
00:19:19.000 It's actually more pedophiliast. 1.00
00:19:23.000 To notice that a five-year-old has her shirt off.
00:19:26.000 Anyway, it annoyed me that he was using this black vernacular. 0.98
00:19:30.000 Yo, that kid ain't trying to put a shirt on.
00:19:31.000 Anyway, he goes, I ain't trying to pay no rent.
00:19:33.000 And then he goes, that's not what you said the other day.
00:19:35.000 He goes, when?
00:19:36.000 Thursday.
00:19:37.000 Oh yeah, did I say that?
00:19:37.000 Oh yeah, Thursday.
00:19:39.000 Yeah, that was Thursday.
00:19:40.000 We were sparring. 0.99
00:19:40.000 That's when you beat the shit out of me. 0.99
00:19:42.000 So I'm just, I'm doing my raps, listening to this. 0.99
00:19:44.000 And then the black guy goes, you like that? 0.67
00:19:49.000 Now, I regret 0.97
00:19:51.000 I don't like to talk at the gym.
00:19:52.000 I'm not there to make friends, and I don't want anyone to know who I am.
00:19:55.000 But I kind of regret not going, well, that got gay real fast. 1.00
00:20:01.000 Isn't that a fucked up thing to say to your friend? 0.99
00:20:04.000 You like that? 0.99
00:20:05.000 And then the white guy didn't say anything.
00:20:08.000 He just sort of kept, I think they were taking off their wraps.
00:20:12.000 He just sort of kept taking off his wraps.
00:20:16.000 No, I didn't like, are you sexualizing our sparring? 1.00
00:20:20.000 What the fuck? 1.00
00:20:23.000 Anyway, I said, you like that, to the preemie. 1.00
00:20:26.000 And he goes, so what's that about?
00:20:28.000 What are you doing there?
00:20:30.000 I said, just praying and meditating.
00:20:32.000 Praying and meditating.
00:20:34.000 Praying and meditating.
00:20:35.000 And then it hit me.
00:20:35.000 Oh, I know what's going on.
00:20:38.000 This guy's a rich kid.
00:20:40.000 He's probably close to my age, by the way.
00:20:42.000 He's in his forties.
00:20:44.000 And he's never really had a job. 1.00
00:20:46.000 He's a fucking loser. 1.00
00:20:47.000 He's one of these super rich kids who will go to Italy and take a pottery class for four months and then come back and do nothing with that. 1.00
00:20:56.000 And then he goes to Malaysia, probably fucks, probably gay or something, fucks with some 15 year olds. 0.99
00:21:01.000 And then he comes back and he's working on a book. 1.00
00:21:04.000 And it's like 700 pages and then he stops doing... You know those kind of guys?
00:21:09.000 Rich guys? 1.00
00:21:10.000 They're just always working on some stupid project that never goes anywhere. 1.00
00:21:13.000 And then they get into Oxy and then they end up in rehab. 1.00
00:21:18.000 And then they suffer from manic depression and they're on these stupid pills. 0.99
00:21:20.000 Anyway, my theory is that he just got out of rehab, he's suffering from manic depression. 0.99
00:21:24.000 His parents are just going, well we have, our other two kids are in finance, and one's a doctor.
00:21:30.000 The third one's a doctor.
00:21:32.000 I know I said two, they have four kids. 1.00
00:21:34.000 Two are in finance, one's a doctor, and one's this fucking loser. 1.00
00:21:37.000 And uh, they figure, I just don't want him to kill himself. 1.00
00:21:39.000 So let's just, he can stay here for maybe five years.
00:21:43.000 And so, uh, he tells them he's clean.
00:21:46.000 That's the one condition, you have to be clean.
00:21:47.000 So he still, he doesn't do oxy anymore, but he smokes pot and drinks.
00:21:51.000 And so when he was going to the garbage, he was shaking out any potential, uh, pot residue, any leaves or whatever, shavings that you have.
00:22:00.000 So he was shaking that out. 0.98
00:22:02.000 And then it was that stash he went to in the bushes, it was him throwing out the three stupid IPAs he had. 0.96
00:22:08.000 So he's not really, that's pretty reasonable actually if you were a junkie and you're down to three IPAs and some tokes. 0.97
00:22:14.000 So I don't fault him for that.
00:22:17.000 But by the way, junkies are ticking time bombs.
00:22:20.000 I've had 12 acquaintances die of heroin overdoses, some very close friends, and most of them die of bud.
00:22:29.000 Their tolerance is up.
00:22:30.000 They're up to a $300 a day habit.
00:22:32.000 I'm not exaggerating, by the way.
00:22:33.000 And then they get clean.
00:22:34.000 Their tolerance goes down.
00:22:36.000 They're at a bachelor party.
00:22:37.000 They drink a Budweiser.
00:22:39.000 They haven't had anything to drink in three months. 0.99
00:22:42.000 And then they have another Budweiser, then they have five, and then someone says, let's do some coke, and they do some coke, and then they're high and wasted, and then they're doing, drinking hard liquor, and then they go, let's get some fucking smack.
00:22:52.000 Then they get some heroin, and they're used to doing, like, a huge rail, a huge line.
00:22:57.000 Not shooting it, snorting it.
00:22:59.000 And so, they do what they used to do back when they had a high tolerance.
00:23:04.000 OD.
00:23:05.000 Dead.
00:23:08.000 So, 0.99
00:23:10.000 We have our little chest puffing thing and totally, regardless of what actually was said, the body said, don't fucking stay there anymore. 0.98
00:23:21.000 And he said, fine, no problem, weirdo. 0.97
00:23:23.000 And that was me being like a New York City dude to some poor suburban mental patient.
00:23:31.000 So anyway, I go to the local bar, uh,
00:23:36.000 The next night, which is last night, I was going to say that Premie hasn't returned, but it's only been a day.
00:23:42.000 So we'll see.
00:23:43.000 But I don't think he's coming back.
00:23:45.000 So I go to the local bar.
00:23:47.000 Now, I'm in the suburbs, the affluent suburbs, and there's this local bar that's open to four.
00:23:52.000 I like it.
00:23:53.000 But I forgot that Thursday night is au pair night.
00:23:56.000 Au pair is when you fly in a young French girl to be half a mom. 0.96
00:24:03.000 So the mom can work. 1.00
00:24:04.000 Everyone says women in the workforce is going great.
00:24:07.000 Yeah, then why do you have to import all this love from the rest of the world?
00:24:11.000 And these women will work basically for nothing. 1.00
00:24:14.000 I've actually heard that some of them will fuck the dude. 0.99
00:24:17.000 And it's... My brother told me this, and he doesn't know anything about au pairs, so don't take this to the bank. 0.98
00:24:22.000 But my brother told me that sometimes they'll factor in the price. 1.00
00:24:25.000 Like, okay, $300 a month, and then you fuck my husband when he gets horny because I'm sick of fucking him. 1.00
00:24:30.000 I don't know, Kyle, that sounds like horse shit. 1.00
00:24:32.000 Anyway, the au pairs go there, and just fuck. 1.00
00:24:36.000 I knew a bartender at the bar who's not there anymore, and he told me you should just fuck au pairs every Thursday. 0.99
00:24:41.000 And they were like Irish sometimes, usually French, and they just go, you know, I understand that this is the summer for you, and if you want to make love to other girls, you want to base them, then that is fine with me, I want you to know. 0.96
00:24:55.000 I have a boyfriend in Montmartre.
00:24:59.000 Um, so it's packed with young girls. 0.99
00:25:02.000 And then, of course, where there's fruit, there's fruit flies. 0.97
00:25:06.000 And, uh, actually fruit flies means girls who like gays. 1.00
00:25:09.000 Where there's shit, there's fucking flies. 1.00
00:25:13.000 So all these young men show up. 1.00
00:25:15.000 And so it's a very young scene.
00:25:17.000 And I'm there with my buddy, this cop dude.
00:25:19.000 He looks like a bullfrog.
00:25:22.000 You know when they find a body from someone who jumped off the bridge and it's been in the water for four weeks?
00:25:27.000 That's what he looks like. 1.00
00:25:29.000 He looks like someone took a bicycle pump and rammed it up his ass and just went tss, tss, tss, tss. 1.00
00:25:34.000 Like you don't want to poke him with a pin, he'll pop. 1.00
00:25:37.000 He really does.
00:25:38.000 Pick up a bullfrog and hold it up and now photoshop a face on the bottom of the frog's mouth.
00:25:44.000 And that is my buddy. 0.98
00:25:48.000 So he's there and he's telling me fucking amazing cop stories. 0.98
00:25:51.000 I gotta tell you, man. 0.99
00:25:52.000 I remember the other podcast where I said, my only beef is with the borings. 1.00
00:25:56.000 If you're interesting, I don't care where you are on the political spectrum.
00:25:59.000 All I care about is interesting.
00:26:01.000 I don't care about IQ, nothing.
00:26:03.000 I don't care if we have the same interests.
00:26:04.000 I mean, that's, that's convenient when my jokes land.
00:26:07.000 Cause you saw, you've seen every episode of Mr. Show, but I don't really care about that.
00:26:11.000 I just want interesting and cops. 0.91
00:26:15.000 Oh, you know what he told me last night I never fucking thought of? 0.73
00:26:18.000 You know Mike the Cop? 0.96
00:26:19.000 I have him on my show sometimes.
00:26:20.000 He does these comedy videos.
00:26:21.000 And I said to my buddy, I go, uh, the thing I like about Mike the Cop is he humanizes cops.
00:26:28.000 And they have this reputation as being terminators that just shoot people for no reason and are racist, et cetera.
00:26:36.000 And I think Mike is cool because he says, no, we're actually human beings.
00:26:41.000 And the top brass won't let police talk to the media.
00:26:45.000 They won't let them say anything.
00:26:46.000 And the next thing you know, we just don't see these people as human.
00:26:49.000 And you know what he said?
00:26:51.000 He goes, good.
00:26:53.000 I don't want to be human.
00:26:55.000 I want people to be scared of me.
00:26:58.000 He said, yesterday, there was some thugs who were shooting at a window.
00:27:02.000 And, uh... That, by the way, I'm learning now from talking to people in law enforcement, doesn't mean you want to kill someone. 0.99
00:27:11.000 If you want to kill someone, you go shoot them in the head on the street. 1.00
00:27:13.000 When you shoot at a window, it means, don't fuck around. 1.00
00:27:16.000 You've been selling drugs in our area, or we think you might be snitching, or you're dating a chick that I fucked, something like that. 1.00
00:27:21.000 It's a message. 0.98
00:27:23.000 So they go in and they see the guys who were being shot at in the house.
00:27:29.000 When the cops showed up and kicked down the door, they pretended they were sleeping.
00:27:34.000 Oh, hi.
00:27:36.000 Oh, sorry to wake you.
00:27:38.000 Did you notice the bullet holes in your window and your ceiling?
00:27:42.000 Yeah, those are from guns, my friend. 0.99
00:27:44.000 Anyway, he points a gun at them and says, get the fuck up. 0.99
00:27:47.000 And wants to know what's going on, right? 1.00
00:27:50.000 And he goes, in that situation, I want the guy to think I'm going to kill him.
00:27:55.000 So don't humanize me. 0.75
00:27:58.000 Being a monster is a big part of my job. 1.00
00:28:01.000 That's my other problem with female cops, these little tiny 5 foot tall Puerto Rican chicks with giant fat asses. 1.00
00:28:07.000 I'm not scared of you. 1.00
00:28:08.000 I saw this black cop, who was a woman, she was maybe 5 foot 2, exact same dimensions as my mom, and she had on a bulletproof vest that said police, but she had long dreads, a cut off sweatshirt, 1.00
00:28:23.000 Uh, pedal pushers and gold sneakers, like gold kids.
00:28:31.000 Uh, how is that intimidating?
00:28:33.000 When I was a kid, you just, if a cop came to your school, everyone pooped their pants.
00:28:38.000 And the person they were coming to see, well, he would just have a heart attack. 0.99
00:28:41.000 Now, fucking some chick from Do The Right Thing shows up. 1.00
00:28:45.000 I'm like, what's up sister? 1.00
00:28:48.000 Anyway, that sounded racist. 0.99
00:28:50.000 I didn't mean that I don't want black cops. 0.98
00:28:53.000 I don't want non-intimidating cops. 0.98
00:28:56.000 They should all be, I don't care what race they are, they should all be male.
00:28:59.000 They should all be six foot two. 0.99
00:29:04.000 He told me another funny story where these lesbians, there was a domestic dispute and this lesbian comes out and she's a nine with huge tits and she's wearing a see-through negligee. 1.00
00:29:16.000 And people sometimes don't see cops, again, not seeing cops as human, they see them as like a form to fill out. 0.98
00:29:24.000 So she comes bounding out of the bedroom 1.00
00:29:28.000 With her see-through negligee on.
00:29:31.000 And he's staring there, watching a porno.
00:29:33.000 And she doesn't even like, oh my, excuse me.
00:29:35.000 Like, she would never say that to me.
00:29:37.000 Or a civilian.
00:29:38.000 She's just like, she came out, she hit me for no reason, officer, blah blah blah. 1.00
00:29:41.000 And he's just seeing these tits bounce around. 1.00
00:29:44.000 And then, the man, I'm using air quotes, comes out with a wife beater on. 1.00
00:29:49.000 And says, shut the fuck up, to her. 1.00
00:29:51.000 And then slaps my cop friend in the face. 1.00
00:29:55.000 So he just grabs her by the throat and throws her down and spends more time listening to the naked lady story. 0.95
00:30:02.000 One time he was going, he should have his own show, I can't wait till he retires and I can have him on the show or something. 1.00
00:30:13.000 But one time this crackhead is there, he walks in, she's not bad looking, black woman, she just has a t-shirt on, you can see her hairy vagina, and there's used condoms all over the floor. 1.00
00:30:24.000 And she's high and she goes, I want some head. 1.00
00:30:27.000 I want you motherfuckers to give me some head. 1.00
00:30:28.000 Give me, eat my pussy right now. 1.00
00:30:30.000 You! 1.00
00:30:31.000 And she points to my buddy, the cop, the bullfrog.
00:30:33.000 She goes, you! 1.00
00:30:34.000 I want you to lick my pussy. 1.00
00:30:36.000 You got some not fine ass cheekbones. 1.00
00:30:40.000 Now he's fat. 0.99
00:30:41.000 He's not fat, but he's like huge.
00:30:44.000 So you can't see his cheekbones. 1.00
00:30:45.000 They're gone behind those fucking giant pork cheeks, pig. 1.00
00:30:53.000 So him and his partner laughed their fucking heads off about that for days. 1.00
00:30:59.000 Fine-ass cheekbones. 0.99
00:31:02.000 I want a man to perform cunnilingus who has good bone structure, because I might crush his head.
00:31:09.000 Anyway, so we're at Au Pair Night, and it's the hunted, the prey, and the predator.
00:31:16.000 And we're off in the corner trying to mine our own beeswax.
00:31:18.000 Keep getting bumped into all the time.
00:31:21.000 And, uh, the night's going okay.
00:31:23.000 It's kind of loud for us old fogies.
00:31:24.000 Our ideal man's bar, and I've always wanted to open a bar that was just sexist by design.
00:31:31.000 So that's no TVs, no music allowed.
00:31:35.000 Just low tables like they have in Britain.
00:31:37.000 Those little stools with the little tables you sip your pints at.
00:31:41.000 And, uh,
00:31:43.000 Um, no, no fruity drinks.
00:31:45.000 There's a vodka bottle, there's a whiskey bottle, there's a bourbon bottle, uh, nothing else.
00:31:51.000 No, like, flavored vodkas, none of that!
00:31:54.000 And then beer is just like Budweiser, Labatt's Blue, boring beers. 1.00
00:31:59.000 Coors Light, ten of those stupid beers. 1.00
00:32:02.000 All cheap. 1.00
00:32:04.000 And, uh, the bathrooms.
00:32:05.000 Here's where I get sneaky.
00:32:07.000 There's a men's bathroom right there with stand urinals that are open. 1.00
00:32:12.000 I don't- I got men in their fucking cocks. 1.00
00:32:16.000 Why are you so scared of a homosexual looking at your cock, you fucking fag? 1.00
00:32:23.000 It's like a cheeseburger. 1.00
00:32:24.000 If I'm eating a cheeseburger and I see a fat guy staring at it, I go, enjoy yourself, fat guy. 0.99
00:32:29.000 You're not having any of this, but you can look. 0.97
00:32:31.000 You can admire my delicious cheeseburger.
00:32:34.000 I know you're not going to grab at it. 0.79
00:32:36.000 You're not a mental patient. 0.76
00:32:40.000 When I was in college, that was like the peak of gay paranoia, and guys would go, stall, empty. 0.98
00:32:47.000 Sorry, first they would piss in the stalls. 0.86
00:32:49.000 So there's all urinals there for the taking, and there's these guys pissing in stalls.
00:32:56.000 And then when the stalls fill up, where you-
00:32:58.000 I lock the door, and I have the steel wall so no one can see my peepee. 0.99
00:33:03.000 Meanwhile, all dicks are basically the same. 0.98
00:33:05.000 I mean, there's foreskins and outforskins. 0.99
00:33:07.000 They're all normal-sized. 0.98
00:33:08.000 I'm sure there's some micropenises and some giant fucking schlongs. 0.98
00:33:12.000 But for the most part, they're all, I would imagine, pretty much the same. 0.99
00:33:15.000 All the dicks I've seen have been basically the same. 1.00
00:33:18.000 And even if you have a small dick, who cares? 1.00
00:33:20.000 The guy next to you isn't gay. 1.00
00:33:21.000 You're not dating him. 0.98
00:33:23.000 You're just pissing together.
00:33:25.000 You're not getting married.
00:33:27.000 So, uh, yeah, it would go urinal, empty urinal, urinal, empty urinal, and then there'd be a lineup!
00:33:34.000 Can you believe this?
00:33:35.000 There'd be a lineup! 0.99
00:33:38.000 And so I would just use the fucking empty urinal that's right there! 1.00
00:33:40.000 Now, I am gifted with one of the most gorgeous cocks in the universe. 1.00
00:33:45.000 It's massive and beautifully sculpted. 0.98
00:33:47.000 I've even had- I had once had a date with a girl who used to be a sex worker and she was in awe of its beauty.
00:33:51.000 Although now, I think I got Peyronie's disease and it's become a little misshapen, but in my heyday, I mean, it could be in the cover of Cock Illustrated. 0.77
00:33:59.000 Um...
00:34:03.000 Actually, I was a cartoonist for my school paper at Carleton University.
00:34:03.000 And that was unusual.
00:34:08.000 It was called The Charlatan, and it was pussy central. 1.00
00:34:12.000 I don't mean getting laid, I mean wimps. 1.00
00:34:15.000 And they kept censoring me all the time.
00:34:17.000 It's where I first learned about political correctness.
00:34:20.000 And I went through the archives, they had the leather-bound archives there, and I saw what it used to be in the 70s and even the 80s.
00:34:27.000 I saw a picture in the Charlatan, an editor's photograph, a picture of the editor. 0.87
00:34:32.000 It was a dick with sunglasses on the top. 1.00
00:34:36.000 So the dick was the nose, the balls were the mouth, and the pubes were his hair, and it was an actual penis. 1.00
00:34:42.000 That's how fun they used to be. 0.99
00:34:43.000 Then I get there, Marvin Glass, who was head of the Canadian Communist Party, who told us that it's okay to have an abortion up until a year and a half after the baby is born.
00:34:52.000 No, I'm not kidding.
00:34:54.000 And if you look this up, this is a common sentiment in academia.
00:34:58.000 He burnt his office down.
00:35:00.000 So I did a cartoon of him.
00:35:01.000 He was obsessed with the Bolsheviks and Stalin and stuff.
00:35:04.000 So I made a cartoon of him.
00:35:06.000 I thought- I think he called me on my wedding day, by the way.
00:35:07.000 I was told he called to wish me a happy marriage.
00:35:09.000 I don't know if I believe that.
00:35:26.000 Anyway, um, I didn't pick up the phone.
00:35:29.000 I was busy getting married.
00:35:32.000 They said, no, you can't do that because it implies he did it. 1.00
00:35:35.000 Oh, shit. 0.99
00:35:36.000 Okay, it's just a joke, but alright. 1.00
00:35:38.000 So then I drew an ashtray with cigarettes in it.
00:35:41.000 No, you can't do that.
00:35:42.000 That implies it was, you know, someone was at fault.
00:35:45.000 Guess what the final illustration was for the article?
00:35:48.000 I drew fire.
00:35:50.000 Just fire.
00:35:51.000 A cartoon of fire.
00:35:53.000 Just in case, when you're reading about a fire, you don't know what a fire looks like, look at the illustration.
00:35:58.000 Doesn't that help illustrate the article?
00:35:59.000 I illustrated some flames.
00:36:02.000 Anyway, I used to do a cartoon for them too, and I did a cartoon where
00:36:06.000 Exactly what I just described with the urinals happened and the guy sees the lineup and he goes up and goes pissing and then there's there's everyone's apoplectic complete hysteria and they start screaming fag fag and they all run out of the bathroom and I was obviously lampooning homophobia and the editors wouldn't let me run it because it had the word fag in it so I quit. 0.88
00:36:25.000 That was the beginning of my life as a provocateur. 0.92
00:36:33.000 Anyway, so, we're at the bar. 0.98
00:36:35.000 I'm with my fat cop. 0.93
00:36:37.000 And, uh... 0.96
00:36:38.000 There's... I don't think this is true of most states, but in New York, there's five to six black people at every single bar, no matter what. 0.60
00:36:47.000 No matter how she-she it is, no matter what the area, you mean Connecticut, whatever. 0.99
00:36:52.000 So in that sense, we're pretty multicultural.
00:36:56.000 Obviously, there's more diverse cities, like Charlotte... North Carolina, is it called?
00:37:01.000 Maybe it was actually Charlottesville?
00:37:02.000 Charlotte, I think, is 50-50. 0.69
00:37:02.000 No. 0.69
00:37:05.000 And most bars there are pretty similar.
00:37:09.000 There's always, like, five black people who like watching The Office, aren't that into sports, and think that, like, Jim Gaffigan is funny.
00:37:17.000 And they are more comfortable around white people, generally, than blacks. 1.00
00:37:20.000 Anyway, so this black dude shows up, and I didn't see the very beginning, but he starts screaming, and, uh, saying to the bartender, FUCK YOU, MOTHERFUCKER! 1.00
00:37:30.000 YOU'RE GONNA GET ME MY BEER, BITCH! 1.00
00:37:32.000 YOU'RE GONNA GET ME MY FUCKING BEER! 1.00
00:37:33.000 And the bartender comes running, he's a little tiny guy, looks like David Cross, 1.00
00:37:37.000 And the guy's getting in his face going, I got my money! 1.00
00:37:39.000 There's no way you're gonna stop me from getting this fucking beer, bitch! 1.00
00:37:42.000 You fucking faggot! 1.00
00:37:43.000 And he starts- he shoves him. 1.00
00:37:46.000 And he starts calling them racist because they won't serve him.
00:37:49.000 But obviously there's five black dudes here who've been having a great time all night with these au pairs. 0.99
00:37:54.000 And one of them's a big huge black guy that could kill this dude. 1.00
00:37:58.000 The black guy I'm talking about was probably 29. 0.99
00:38:01.000 Gold chain, but otherwise pretty middle-class looking.
00:38:06.000 Cigarette behind the ear, so if he's not, you know, in part of ghetto culture, he's at least subsuming elements of it. 0.89
00:38:14.000 He definitely is by his behavior. 1.00
00:38:16.000 And then this big fat dude named Chuck, who's shit-faced. 0.99
00:38:20.000 I couldn't talk to him. 0.99
00:38:22.000 You know when people get, when they get this level and then they keep repeating the same story?
00:38:29.000 Then it's a waste of my time.
00:38:30.000 So you have to sort of like, oh, that's interesting.
00:38:32.000 I'm just going to check my phone here until you look away and go off on a tangent.
00:38:35.000 I love the guy, but not tonight.
00:38:37.000 So he just picks up the dude.
00:38:40.000 He picks up the dude and walks him out the front door.
00:38:44.000 And that guy lets him.
00:38:45.000 And I go, should we get involved? 0.98
00:38:46.000 And my cop buddy goes, if this guy was going to fuck people up, he'd already fucked people up. 0.99
00:38:50.000 You don't sit and talk about how you're going to fuck people up. 0.99
00:38:55.000 And then he goes, I'm going to come back with my burner. 0.98
00:38:58.000 Burner, of course, is a gun that can't be traced.
00:39:01.000 So it's kind of scary when someone says that. 1.00
00:39:04.000 So all the men in the bar leave, come outside, and he's like, fuck you, bitch. 1.00
00:39:09.000 I got my money. 1.00
00:39:09.000 Are you going to get my beer or what? 1.00
00:39:11.000 Yeah, you're gonna get your beer.
00:39:13.000 You're gonna go back inside, pay for your beer, and sit down.
00:39:15.000 Everything will be normal.
00:39:17.000 No, dude.
00:39:18.000 You shoved the bartender.
00:39:19.000 You started screaming at everyone.
00:39:21.000 You're 86, I'm afraid.
00:39:23.000 So he's screaming at everyone. 0.96
00:39:24.000 The biggest blackest dude is the one handling him, because it kills the racist argument, I guess. 0.92
00:39:31.000 And everyone else is just watching, thinking, I'll jump in if things get crazy. 0.93
00:39:34.000 That's what me and the cop were doing.
00:39:36.000 Like, why go, alright buddy, I challenge you to a duel!
00:39:41.000 If he hits someone, we'll jump in and beat him up, but as far as, he's just a yeller at this point.
00:39:47.000 Then he goes to his car, and he comes out with a baseball bat. 0.71
00:39:52.000 And some nerd is there, white, rich kid, and he just goes, and the kid just runs away.
00:39:59.000 So then he starts chasing him with a baseball bat.
00:40:01.000 And now we're going, now do we intervene?
00:40:04.000 But you could tell by the way he was running that he was not trying to get this kid so he could hit him with a bat.
00:40:09.000 And he comes back, he puts his bat back in his car, he starts yelling at people.
00:40:13.000 And inevitably with the yelling, he'd slap the person or shove him, and then that would stop.
00:40:18.000 The guy wouldn't take the bait.
00:40:21.000 If someone slapped me, I would definitely fight them.
00:40:24.000 But the other guy would just, like, take the hit.
00:40:26.000 Then he gets his bat out again, and he's swinging it around, and his girlfriend's crying.
00:40:31.000 And by the way, I could tell she was secretly turned on by all this.
00:40:36.000 She liked it.
00:40:37.000 In fact, that's why he was peacocking. 0.97
00:40:39.000 He was showing off to make her horny. 0.94
00:40:42.000 And it was working.
00:40:43.000 And he didn't even have to go to jail or get in a fight for it. 1.00
00:40:46.000 He got his dick sucked dry that night. 1.00
00:40:50.000 That's the thing about ladies that they'll never tell you. 1.00
00:40:52.000 Any kind of fight you get in, we're not talking about knockouts, any kind of kerfuffle where you're not going, Help!
00:40:59.000 Help! 0.98
00:41:00.000 Call the cops!
00:41:01.000 Any kind of conflict makes your lady friend wetter than Niagara Falls. 0.71
00:41:07.000 And you're going to have a great night that night.
00:41:11.000 Fighting solves everything, but even pretending to fight solves a lot of stuff.
00:41:16.000 So, uh,
00:41:18.000 The cop doesn't do anything.
00:41:21.000 He throws his bat back in his trunk and peels out in a BMW that looks like it's from 2008.
00:41:21.000 And we just sit there.
00:41:30.000 So that tells you the guy probably makes about 55k a year.
00:41:35.000 Probably in IT something.
00:41:40.000 Something like that.
00:41:42.000 Anyway, he peels out.
00:41:44.000 We all go back inside.
00:41:46.000 And then I noticed the preemies at the bar. 0.89
00:41:48.000 The preemie was hanging out with the giant black dude. 0.92
00:41:51.000 And then I'm starting to think, maybe you're not so weird. 0.98
00:41:53.000 I mean, if you can come to a bar and hang out, then you're not a complete mental patient.
00:41:59.000 But when you sit next to a bush all day, meditating and praying, I don't know to whom, you seemed pretty kooky to me.
00:42:08.000 But you have to be relatively normal to be able to go to a bar, have money, and have a conversation with a human being.
00:42:15.000 So I was confused by that and I couldn't tell if it was him because I'm kind of racist towards normal people and it's got nothing to do with how I feel about them.
00:42:24.000 I think it's another side effect of New York where, you know, you live in Williamsburg or the Lower East Side and you have one friend that has a facial tattoo, one friend that's two feet tall, one friend who has three legs.
00:42:38.000 It's the Island of Misfit Toys over there.
00:42:39.000 So you never forget a person.
00:42:42.000 Everyone has their little quirks and quarks, you know? 0.99
00:42:44.000 One guy's a black guy named Earsnot who's a gay vandal. 0.99
00:42:49.000 One guy's named Dash Snow who's a rich kid who was abandoned by his family when he was 13 and has been living in squats his whole life. 0.93
00:42:58.000 Another guy is like five feet tall but he has a foot of hair and he's the guitarist for the Yeah Yeah Yeahs and
00:43:06.000 Then the other guys are in the strokes, like... It sounds like I'm name-dropping here, but... I mean, everyone has a thing that they're... It's almost like a bunch of superheroes.
00:43:14.000 In the Lower East Side, you can't just be, Hi, I'm Gavin, I work at Arby's. 0.98
00:43:18.000 You have to be like, I'm Gavin, and I'm the Canadian dude, and I run Vice, and I have a fucking... I always wear this top hat. 0.96
00:43:25.000 That's my trademark.
00:43:26.000 Top hat and a monocle.
00:43:28.000 So yeah, I come to the suburbs where everyone looks pretty darn similar, and I honestly, I cannot tell them apart.
00:43:34.000 I'll have these, especially moms, they all wear Lululemons, they look exactly the same, and they'll say, hi Gavin, and I'll go, hello there, lady!
00:43:42.000 How are you, and I assume you're kids, question mark?
00:43:46.000 I just laugh, and I go, hi, hey, how are you, man?
00:43:49.000 Great to see you.
00:43:50.000 No idea who you are. 0.98
00:43:51.000 No fucking clue who I'm saying hi to. 0.99
00:43:54.000 So I don't know if the preemie was at the bar or not. 0.99
00:43:57.000 And then the cops showed up.
00:44:00.000 What are they gonna do?
00:44:01.000 High-speed chase?
00:44:02.000 Block off all the highways?
00:44:03.000 He's long gone.
00:44:04.000 That's the thing about cops.
00:44:05.000 That's why you should, you need your concealed carry permit. 0.58
00:44:07.000 Because cops are janitors. 0.97
00:44:10.000 They are there, I'm not disparaging police, but they are there to clean up the mess that just happened.
00:44:15.000 They're never there to block the punch. 0.97
00:44:19.000 Rescue the damsel in distress, shoot the bad guy.
00:44:21.000 I mean, yeah, of course they can occasionally shoot a bad guy, but for the most part, it takes them eight minutes to get there. 0.90
00:44:27.000 The story's over.
00:44:29.000 Like the Toronto shooter, right?
00:44:31.000 The Muslim guy, he killed two girls, an 18-year-old and a 10-year-old girl. 0.99
00:44:35.000 By the way, we're much more concerned with a homeless lunatic stabbing a black girl. 0.99
00:44:39.000 Now that gets a march. 0.99
00:44:40.000 With hundreds of people.
00:44:42.000 No marches for these two girls. 0.99
00:44:44.000 The transient loser who killed that black girl, that became all about white supremacy and we have to stop the Nazis and the KKK from invading Oakland. 0.99
00:44:52.000 Totally insane tangent based on a lie. 0.99
00:44:56.000 Yet when there's a true story like a Muslim who shot at a Greek restaurant and 98% of Greeks are Greek Orthodox.
00:45:06.000 They're Christians.
00:45:07.000 So it was a guy with ties to ISIL shooting at Christians. 0.68
00:45:10.000 Anyway, he killed two, he shot 13. 0.78
00:45:12.000 You shoot 13 people, um, you probably shot out about 35 rounds.
00:45:19.000 Now a clip, an illegal clip, is maybe 15.
00:45:22.000 That's the ones that... He's got an illegal gun. 0.53
00:45:24.000 You're in Canada, you might as well go to town with your illegal gun, right?
00:45:27.000 So he got a... This is, by the way, all part of my read for wethepeopleholsters.com.
00:45:32.000 An armed citizen was there, and he was wearing a customized holster from WeThePeopleHolsters.com, where if you use the passcode GAVIN, you get $10 off, so it goes from $34 to $24.
00:45:41.000 Customized, you can get anything you want on it.
00:45:45.000 Heat-molded to your gun.
00:45:46.000 You can adjust the can in the ride, on your side, so it fits you perfectly.
00:45:51.000 Totally comfortable.
00:45:52.000 You don't even know it's there half the time. 1.00
00:45:53.000 You go, oh shit, I forgot I have a gun. 1.00
00:45:55.000 Let me shoot this terrorist. 1.00
00:45:58.000 Um, stay armed at WeThePeopleHolsters.com with a tight so- a fit so tight, it'll make you leave your wife. 1.00
00:46:06.000 I'm sorry for butchering your joke, guys.
00:46:07.000 That's terrible.
00:46:08.000 Comedy's so unforgiving, isn't it?
00:46:10.000 One stutter, one letter wrong, and the joke isn't funny.
00:46:15.000 Anyway, he probably had an illegal magazine that held 50, and I believe they usually hold, like, 10 or 12? 0.98
00:46:20.000 I don't know, I'm fucking gunless. 0.97
00:46:22.000 I have guns, but they're all giant. 0.99
00:46:24.000 I'm handgunless.
00:46:26.000 So let's see at a clip of 50.
00:46:28.000 That's three clips.
00:46:30.000 So he would have changed his clip twice as he's going.
00:46:34.000 Now, 45 gets you about 13 shot.
00:46:40.000 So that's four times.
00:46:46.000 The cops aren't by the time the cops showed up, he'd left.
00:46:52.000 So you need to be armed. 0.96
00:46:54.000 And the black guy with the baseball bat screaming at everyone. 1.00
00:46:58.000 I kind of wish he got his ass kicked. 1.00
00:46:59.000 I don't like that people can get away with threatening an entire room of people with baseball bats. 1.00
00:47:05.000 I think a lot of it was fear.
00:47:07.000 It's an affluent white suburb and they didn't want to appear racist. 0.98
00:47:10.000 I guess the black guys should have beat him up. 1.00
00:47:12.000 Hey, black guys, can you beat up your violent fellow black guys? 1.00
00:47:16.000 We can't do it. 1.00
00:47:17.000 Well, I'm happy to beat up all the 48-year-old aging hipsters with shitty tattoos. 1.00
00:47:22.000 I'll handle them. 1.00
00:47:23.000 You guys handle the athletic, violent lunatics with the baseball bats and the cigarettes behind their ear. 0.77
00:47:32.000 Yeah, so the cops showed up, did nothing, and my wife and kids are away, so I'm in party mode.
00:47:40.000 Um, and I went home and went to bed.
00:47:44.000 And unfortunately, I can't watch, uh, Get Off My Lawn on CRTV.com because I'm in it.
00:47:50.000 And it's, it's, it's a level of vanity I'm not prepared to, to reach.
00:47:55.000 I'm not prepared to cross that line of watching myself on, uh, TV.
00:47:59.000 But you can go to CRTV.com and sign up.
00:48:02.000 If you use the passcode GAVIN, you also get $10 off.
00:48:05.000 I believe that brings it to like 90 bucks or maybe 80 bucks.
00:48:08.000 Basically, it's two beers a month.
00:48:10.000 And you get to see Get Off My Lawn, the show that's on six times every two weeks, Monday to Thursday, and then Monday and Tuesday.
00:48:19.000 And the short week, I go to D.C.
00:48:21.000 I shoot CRTV Tonight with Gavin McInnes.
00:48:24.000 That's a fun show.
00:48:25.000 And I take the most sexy guest from CRTV Tonight, and then I do another show with them called After Hours where we sort of Joe Rogan it up at the bar and get really into it.
00:48:35.000 Not three hours like Joe does, but about 30 minutes.
00:48:39.000 That's another show.
00:48:40.000 That's three shows you get with Get Off My Lawn. 1.00
00:48:43.000 And unlike this podcast, Get Off My Lawn is political.
00:48:47.000 It's the news. 1.00
00:48:48.000 It's basically feminists are stupid. 1.00
00:48:50.000 Islam is a threat. 1.00
00:48:51.000 America is great. 0.96
00:48:53.000 The West is the best.
00:48:55.000 Guns are awesome.
00:48:56.000 Housewives rule. 1.00
00:48:57.000 We need to be more respectful of entrepreneurs.
00:49:00.000 They are the ones paying our bills. 0.97
00:49:01.000 Socialism is for mental patients. 0.97
00:49:04.000 You know, logical stuff like that. 0.95
00:49:06.000 I'm seen as far right to the media class, but I am just normal dad politics.
00:49:12.000 Every dad who sees what happens to his paycheck is anti-rape. 0.93
00:49:18.000 Taxes rape. 0.80
00:49:20.000 Every dad is totally aware of the perils of immigration and high taxes and socialism and all that stuff because we've lived it.
00:49:29.000 Only dads should be able to vote at the end of the day. 0.91
00:49:31.000 Actually, everyone over 18 should legally be able to vote.
00:49:36.000 Including ex-cons.
00:49:38.000 But dads are the only ones who should vote.
00:49:41.000 At the end of the day.
00:49:42.000 Anyway, I'm getting too political for this show.
00:49:44.000 This is supposed to just be goofy stories. 0.98
00:49:45.000 And, uh, I had a preemie on my lawn that was at a bar where a black guy threatened to kill us all with his burner gun. 0.98
00:49:52.000 Goodbye. 0.99