Bald guys in front of my house drive me nuts, and I'm in the suburbs, where everyone is nice and I don't have to deal with them anymore. I'm here in the burbs, and there's a weird bald guy in the front yard of my home, and he's wearing flip-flops and shorts and a t-shirt that makes him look like a preemie that was born too soon. I want to just put them in plexiglass so he looks like a kid who was born a little too soon, and then grow a beard on the sides and wear a hat like a baseball hat or something. But when you're not built like a brick shithouse, and you're skinny and bald, and have some stubble and a bit of hair on your head, you look like you're dying. Otherwise, you're like a cancer patient. And here's the other big problem: I'm from New York City, and here's a long story about a guy who stole my briefcase one time, and it's not a good one. I don t know why he stole it, but he did it. I'm not going to lie, it's a good story. If you have a junkie in your life, are you an idiot? If you're an idiot, you need to lose something, and if you don't let that cross your mind, you'll lose something. This is the kind of story I'm going to tell you about a time I had a guy try to steal something from me, and get away with it. I think it was a good day in the rest of my life. I'll tell you why you should be an idiot. (and I'm sure you'll agree with me on this is a good thing if you are an idiot in some way, so you don t lose something you should let me tell me about it and I'll let you know if you're a thief, and let me know what you think about it in the comments section so you can help me out of your house Thanks for listening to this podcast thank you for listening or not being an idiot Thank you for being a bad guy love you, bye, bye bye, Jon Jon . - Tom <333 - - Tim (A.S. - ( )
Transcript
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00:00:00.000There was a weird bald dude in front of my house all week.
00:00:42.000But grow a beard and grow out the sides and wear a hat, like a baseball hat or something.
00:00:48.000Don't put glasses on your head, by the way.
00:00:50.000That is the dumbest toupee I've ever seen that plastic toupee guys wear.
00:00:54.000They'll wear sunglasses or just their own glasses on top of their head.
00:00:58.000Like that Don Imus producer, pretty cool guy, great guy, I love him, but the glasses on the head thing is like, I know subconsciously you feel like there should be something up there, and you need your glasses, so you pop them on your head.
00:01:10.000So I got a baseball game the other day and he had sunglasses on his head to create the illusion of plastic bangs.
00:01:15.000It's really irritating and say you are bald, right?
00:01:19.000It's like being ugly or having a big mole on your face or something or having like an insane nose like James Damore.
00:01:38.000But when you're just like, the only guy who can get away with flip-flops and, you know, a baggy shirt would maybe be Terry Shepard, you know, a Navy SEAL, or some sort of MMA guy.
00:01:51.000But if you're not built like a brick shithouse, and you're skinny and bald, wear rod lavers, khakis from J.Crew, and a sports-themed t-shirt, and have some stubble and a bit of hair on your head.
00:02:05.000Otherwise, you look like you're dying.
00:02:28.000So, uh... Uh... Everything sketches me out.
00:02:33.000It's weird moving to the suburbs because you're used to always having your back up.
00:02:38.000You're having your ears pricked, as they say in Britain.
00:02:41.000I remember there was that Buzz Laldrin guy who had a big... What do you call that when you read a thing to a bunch of graduating kids?
00:02:49.000State of the Union for kids thingamadoodle?
00:02:52.000And he said, stay in New York till you're hard, then move to LA until you're soft.
00:02:57.000There's weird penile connotations to those adjectives, but he meant, you know, stay in New York till you're a vicious killer, and then chill out.
00:03:05.000And I think I stayed in New York too long, because every- I'm always looking at people, like, what's going on with you?
00:03:10.000Actually, it's a good instinct to have, and you'll see that later on, because I got a long story here.
00:03:29.000You never, like, I don't know how many times I've stopped walking, gone two steps to the right, and let the person behind me overtake me, because I don't like the way they're walking.
00:03:37.000I'm convinced one time a guy was trying to steal my briefcase, because I just did a 90-degree turn and crossed the street, and I could see him sort of going,
00:05:03.000And, uh, the other general went, yeah, what the fuck am I talking about?
00:05:07.000One of my many stupid ideas, probably because I haven't eaten in four days, and I've been drinking this diarrhea water from a puddle, and I'm not thinking straight, but thanks for correcting me, Lieutenant Smarty Pants.
00:05:28.000Like, I remember we were upstate at our country house, which we've since sold, and my brother and my brother-in-law are around the same age, and they go out to get some beers.
00:07:38.000Now, it's not necessarily a conscious decision, but culturally, when there's merit in this, then that becomes the tribe, right?
00:07:45.000If long legs were cool, then those people would end up being 6'5".
00:07:53.000It's like a cultural evolution becoming biological evolution.
00:07:59.000So Jews end up, if they're culturally, you know, within their group, like Israel, not, you know, part of a bigger picture like in America, where they would crossbreed and stuff.
00:08:09.000Jews, cultural Jews, end up being highly intellectual and not necessarily violent and tough.
00:08:17.000Then you put these two groups right next to each other in the Middle East.
00:08:22.000So you have this over-thinky group who pontificates too much and is always stroking their beards going, what does that mean exactly?
00:08:30.000I mean, when you think about it, you know, a lot of our comedy is Jewish.
00:08:34.000Like Larry David, his whole thing is like, what are you doing, you pig parker?
00:11:15.000The rest of it is just a smart fence where you've got, you know, a mile of barbed wire with sensors and someone comes near it, two guys jump in a truck and head over and go, what are you doing?
00:11:28.000Isn't it weird, by the way, that someone's mad at a wall?
00:11:32.000Like if your neighbor builds a stainless steel front door, you get pissed off?
00:11:36.000That means you want to go to your neighbor's house, isn't it?
00:11:39.000If your neighbor makes his entire home steel, but it looks fine and doesn't hurt the property value in the neighborhood, why do you give a shit?
00:11:45.000You clearly want to come over to my house.
00:11:50.000Anyway, so that's a funny combination, Israelis and Arabs.
00:11:52.000I mean, it just looks like two people, like the Balkans with the Croats and the Serbs, but it's not that.
00:11:58.000It's two totally genetically different people with totally different values.
00:12:02.000And I think the Palestinians appreciate strength.
00:12:05.000So I think they see the wall as a giant fuck you, and I think they go, hmm, that's kind of badass.
00:12:11.000They've stopped stroking their beards and being intellectuals, and now they want to fight and play hardball.
00:16:22.000If I'm on a plane and they don't have Makers or Woodford or some sort of bourbon, I just, oh well, I guess I'm not going to enjoy this flight.
00:16:32.000That was the annoying thing about that movie Flight with Denzel Washington about the guy who did coke and was drunk and he saved everyone by turning a plane upside down.
00:16:39.000And then he got in trouble anyway because he was drunk.
00:16:42.000And then when he's trying to get clean, he's throwing out all his booze and he's throwing out vodka and whiskey and bourbon and 32 different types of beer.
00:16:50.000Hey, writers of Flight, that's not what us drunks do.
00:16:53.000We have our two brands, Budweiser, Maker's Mark.
00:17:56.000And then he sort of motions to his headphones, and I basically say with my body that I don't give a fuck about your stupid call, you unemployed dork.
00:20:47.000He's one of these super rich kids who will go to Italy and take a pottery class for four months and then come back and do nothing with that.
00:20:56.000And then he goes to Malaysia, probably fucks, probably gay or something, fucks with some 15 year olds.
00:21:01.000And then he comes back and he's working on a book.
00:21:04.000And it's like 700 pages and then he stops doing... You know those kind of guys?
00:21:46.000That's the one condition, you have to be clean.
00:21:47.000So he still, he doesn't do oxy anymore, but he smokes pot and drinks.
00:21:51.000And so when he was going to the garbage, he was shaking out any potential, uh, pot residue, any leaves or whatever, shavings that you have.
00:22:39.000They haven't had anything to drink in three months.
00:22:42.000And then they have another Budweiser, then they have five, and then someone says, let's do some coke, and they do some coke, and then they're high and wasted, and then they're doing, drinking hard liquor, and then they go, let's get some fucking smack.
00:22:52.000Then they get some heroin, and they're used to doing, like, a huge rail, a huge line.
00:24:04.000Everyone says women in the workforce is going great.
00:24:07.000Yeah, then why do you have to import all this love from the rest of the world?
00:24:11.000And these women will work basically for nothing.
00:24:14.000I've actually heard that some of them will fuck the dude.
00:24:17.000And it's... My brother told me this, and he doesn't know anything about au pairs, so don't take this to the bank.
00:24:22.000But my brother told me that sometimes they'll factor in the price.
00:24:25.000Like, okay, $300 a month, and then you fuck my husband when he gets horny because I'm sick of fucking him.
00:24:30.000I don't know, Kyle, that sounds like horse shit.
00:24:32.000Anyway, the au pairs go there, and just fuck.
00:24:36.000I knew a bartender at the bar who's not there anymore, and he told me you should just fuck au pairs every Thursday.
00:24:41.000And they were like Irish sometimes, usually French, and they just go, you know, I understand that this is the summer for you, and if you want to make love to other girls, you want to base them, then that is fine with me, I want you to know.
00:28:08.000I saw this black cop, who was a woman, she was maybe 5 foot 2, exact same dimensions as my mom, and she had on a bulletproof vest that said police, but she had long dreads, a cut off sweatshirt,
00:28:23.000Uh, pedal pushers and gold sneakers, like gold kids.
00:29:04.000He told me another funny story where these lesbians, there was a domestic dispute and this lesbian comes out and she's a nine with huge tits and she's wearing a see-through negligee.
00:29:16.000And people sometimes don't see cops, again, not seeing cops as human, they see them as like a form to fill out.
00:29:24.000So she comes bounding out of the bedroom
00:29:51.000And then slaps my cop friend in the face.
00:29:55.000So he just grabs her by the throat and throws her down and spends more time listening to the naked lady story.
00:30:02.000One time he was going, he should have his own show, I can't wait till he retires and I can have him on the show or something.
00:30:13.000But one time this crackhead is there, he walks in, she's not bad looking, black woman, she just has a t-shirt on, you can see her hairy vagina, and there's used condoms all over the floor.
00:30:24.000And she's high and she goes, I want some head.
00:30:27.000I want you motherfuckers to give me some head.
00:33:38.000And so I would just use the fucking empty urinal that's right there!
00:33:40.000Now, I am gifted with one of the most gorgeous cocks in the universe.
00:33:45.000It's massive and beautifully sculpted.
00:33:47.000I've even had- I had once had a date with a girl who used to be a sex worker and she was in awe of its beauty.
00:33:51.000Although now, I think I got Peyronie's disease and it's become a little misshapen, but in my heyday, I mean, it could be in the cover of Cock Illustrated.
00:34:43.000Then I get there, Marvin Glass, who was head of the Canadian Communist Party, who told us that it's okay to have an abortion up until a year and a half after the baby is born.
00:36:02.000Anyway, I used to do a cartoon for them too, and I did a cartoon where
00:36:06.000Exactly what I just described with the urinals happened and the guy sees the lineup and he goes up and goes pissing and then there's there's everyone's apoplectic complete hysteria and they start screaming fag fag and they all run out of the bathroom and I was obviously lampooning homophobia and the editors wouldn't let me run it because it had the word fag in it so I quit.
00:36:25.000That was the beginning of my life as a provocateur.
00:36:38.000There's... I don't think this is true of most states, but in New York, there's five to six black people at every single bar, no matter what.
00:36:47.000No matter how she-she it is, no matter what the area, you mean Connecticut, whatever.
00:36:52.000So in that sense, we're pretty multicultural.
00:36:56.000Obviously, there's more diverse cities, like Charlotte... North Carolina, is it called?
00:37:01.000Maybe it was actually Charlottesville?
00:37:05.000And most bars there are pretty similar.
00:37:09.000There's always, like, five black people who like watching The Office, aren't that into sports, and think that, like, Jim Gaffigan is funny.
00:37:17.000And they are more comfortable around white people, generally, than blacks.
00:37:20.000Anyway, so this black dude shows up, and I didn't see the very beginning, but he starts screaming, and, uh, saying to the bartender, FUCK YOU, MOTHERFUCKER!
00:41:46.000And then I noticed the preemies at the bar.
00:41:48.000The preemie was hanging out with the giant black dude.
00:41:51.000And then I'm starting to think, maybe you're not so weird.
00:41:53.000I mean, if you can come to a bar and hang out, then you're not a complete mental patient.
00:41:59.000But when you sit next to a bush all day, meditating and praying, I don't know to whom, you seemed pretty kooky to me.
00:42:08.000But you have to be relatively normal to be able to go to a bar, have money, and have a conversation with a human being.
00:42:15.000So I was confused by that and I couldn't tell if it was him because I'm kind of racist towards normal people and it's got nothing to do with how I feel about them.
00:42:24.000I think it's another side effect of New York where, you know, you live in Williamsburg or the Lower East Side and you have one friend that has a facial tattoo, one friend that's two feet tall, one friend who has three legs.
00:42:38.000It's the Island of Misfit Toys over there.
00:42:42.000Everyone has their little quirks and quarks, you know?
00:42:44.000One guy's a black guy named Earsnot who's a gay vandal.
00:42:49.000One guy's named Dash Snow who's a rich kid who was abandoned by his family when he was 13 and has been living in squats his whole life.
00:42:58.000Another guy is like five feet tall but he has a foot of hair and he's the guitarist for the Yeah Yeah Yeahs and
00:43:06.000Then the other guys are in the strokes, like... It sounds like I'm name-dropping here, but... I mean, everyone has a thing that they're... It's almost like a bunch of superheroes.
00:43:14.000In the Lower East Side, you can't just be, Hi, I'm Gavin, I work at Arby's.
00:43:18.000You have to be like, I'm Gavin, and I'm the Canadian dude, and I run Vice, and I have a fucking... I always wear this top hat.
00:43:28.000So yeah, I come to the suburbs where everyone looks pretty darn similar, and I honestly, I cannot tell them apart.
00:43:34.000I'll have these, especially moms, they all wear Lululemons, they look exactly the same, and they'll say, hi Gavin, and I'll go, hello there, lady!
00:43:42.000How are you, and I assume you're kids, question mark?
00:43:46.000I just laugh, and I go, hi, hey, how are you, man?
00:44:44.000The transient loser who killed that black girl, that became all about white supremacy and we have to stop the Nazis and the KKK from invading Oakland.
00:44:52.000Totally insane tangent based on a lie.
00:44:56.000Yet when there's a true story like a Muslim who shot at a Greek restaurant and 98% of Greeks are Greek Orthodox.
00:45:12.000You shoot 13 people, um, you probably shot out about 35 rounds.
00:45:19.000Now a clip, an illegal clip, is maybe 15.
00:45:22.000That's the ones that... He's got an illegal gun.
00:45:24.000You're in Canada, you might as well go to town with your illegal gun, right?
00:45:27.000So he got a... This is, by the way, all part of my read for wethepeopleholsters.com.
00:45:32.000An armed citizen was there, and he was wearing a customized holster from WeThePeopleHolsters.com, where if you use the passcode GAVIN, you get $10 off, so it goes from $34 to $24.
00:45:41.000Customized, you can get anything you want on it.
00:48:25.000And I take the most sexy guest from CRTV Tonight, and then I do another show with them called After Hours where we sort of Joe Rogan it up at the bar and get really into it.
00:48:35.000Not three hours like Joe does, but about 30 minutes.