Comedian Jim Gaffigan is a good friend of mine, and I think he's one of the funniest people on the planet. He's funny, smart, and smart as hell, but he's also racist, sexist, anti-Semitic, and anti-Muslim. And he's not even funny because he's a white guy. And I think that's pretty funny, but I also think it's a little bit creepy. I don't know what's funnier, pedophile jokes, racist jokes, or anti-Islamic jokes, but at least they're not getting jizzed on the mic like Amy Schumer and Amy Poehler. And that's a good thing, because Amy has a kid, and she's not having an abortion, so she's probably not having a baby either. I mean, maybe she is, but it doesn't really matter because she's got a kid and she doesn't need one. And she's still funny, right? And I'm not even joking about that. I guess that's what makes her funny, because she has a lot of kids. And they don't have jizz, too. I'm sorry about that, but that's just how it's been going lately, and it's not a bad thing. I'm tired of being single. I know it's hard to be single, so I'm trying to figure out what to do with my life. I'll figure it out. I hope you enjoy this episode, because it's getting better and better than it's going to be better in a few more episodes, I promise you'll get a little better in the next week. I love you guys! xoxo and I'll see you next week, next week for the next one, we'll talk about it. -Jon Sorrentino -Tune in next week! -Jude Law - -John Cleese - John Cleese - Jim Carrey - Steve Harvey - John Hamm - Tom Hanks - Joe Pesci - Sarah Silverstein - Tim Minx - Jon Stewart - David Letterman - Ben Affleck - Nicki Minaj - Adam Driver - Amy Schumer - Jeffree - Jack Antonoff - Pete Holmes - Bill Paoletti - Kevin Spacey - and much more! - and so much more!! Thank you so much for listening to this episode.
Transcript
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00:00:02.000There's a funny thing happening in comedy.
00:00:39.000We would like to make fun of Christians, but it's bad for business, and we'd have to make fun of Jews, too, and we can't do that.
00:00:48.000So, I don't want to say anything about Jews, so let's just rule out Christians entirely.
00:00:52.000Oh, we can make fun of rednecks a little bit, but, you know, if it's on something like SNL and you make fun of white people all the time and rednecks and southerners, you lose a lot of money.
00:01:02.000So, although we're New Yorkers and we hate the South, let's abstain from that.
00:01:06.000So, you can't make fun of everyone south of the Mason-Dixon line.
00:01:12.000Which, by the way, my personal politics with comedy is no rules whatsoever.
00:01:23.000And the beauty of that mentality is it's egalitarian.
00:01:27.000It's like Jim Goad always says, I'm not racist, I hate all races equally.
00:01:34.000I think hate is a very healthy thing as long as you let it thrive.
00:01:38.000And what the left has done, and liberals and the left are inseparable, what the left has done is they've
00:01:46.000They've isolated, because you're always going to have hate and animosity.
00:01:49.000Like John Cleese said, he said, uh, every joke is mean spirited.
00:01:52.000And he also said, that's why women aren't as funny as men because men are meaner.
00:01:57.000And when you think of jokes, it really is taking the piss out of someone for the most part.
00:02:02.000Like me and my dad, when we riff, I'm just constantly insulting him.
00:02:07.000The last thing I ever said to him, uh,
00:02:10.000I was leaving his house after doing that 50th anniversary party, wedding anniversary, and my last words to him when I got to the airport was, uh, sorry about your speech, don't beat yourself up.
00:02:23.000I was insulting his shitty speech that sucked.
00:02:26.000Because he didn't mention my mom once.
00:02:28.000And his whole speech, by the way, is also like this.
00:02:30.000Because his was just jokes about how terrible me and my brother are.
00:02:33.000And how he evicted us both from his apartment.
00:04:01.000So, and like Amy Schumer, does she have a kid?
00:04:04.000So these, you have dudes who just treat women as colostomy bags for their cum, and then these women that are colostomy bags, and if they're not getting jizzed on, they're having abortions.
00:04:15.000So, with those, you take those two groups, and you say, I don't want to hear any kind of isms, and I don't want to hear any bigotry.
00:04:23.000And they go, okay, well that leaves kids.
00:04:26.000So, there is this wild imbalance of pedophile jokes.
00:04:33.000Now, in my world, we would have those jokes, but there'd also be, you know, potentially racist jokes and other things that would muddle it up.
00:04:43.000And the next thing you know, you're just listening to adult humor in New York City at 1am.
00:04:48.000I'm banned from that comedy club, The Stand, ever, forever, because I pulled my dick out.
00:04:53.000I had a bet with the Puerto Rican rattlesnake, Luis Gomez, and I was telling him how easy his job is.
00:04:58.000And he goes, alright, I'll pay you a hundred bucks if you can do stand-up and make people laugh.
00:05:10.000So I go to The Stand, and Aaron Berg was in front of me, and he just talked, he's Jewish, and he just talked about how disgusting foreskins were.
00:05:17.000And then so I got up and I go, look, I understand they're not the most aesthetically pleasing thing when they're flaccid.
00:05:22.000They look like a little elephant's trunk.
00:05:23.000And I pulled my dick out because it was relevant to the conversation and showed the audience my penis.
00:05:28.000Everyone was laughing their heads off, by the way.
00:05:30.000And the owners were pissed off and said, you're never coming back here ever again.
00:05:34.000And the manager's exact words were, and now I must turn my back on you in an email.
00:06:02.000Like, what are you doing being nude without a boner?
00:06:05.000So, um, and I was also saying the design that I had just figured out recently, by the way, is if you don't, like, you know how sometimes you have to use spit for lube?
00:06:14.000If you put your foreskin forward and put it right up against the labia and then push, the skin recedes and it Trojan horses the penis into the vagina.
00:06:52.000Maybe I'm just old, but when I'm thinking about a club in New York City at 1 a.m., I'm thinking of Joe Coleman biting the head off a rat, which he used to do on stage.
00:07:02.000Or he would line himself up with firecrackers and set them off.
00:07:08.000Like, that's why people come to New York City.
00:07:34.000Anyway, so I was watching SNL, this is where I had this epiphany and I realized, you guys are just, all you can do is make kid fucking jokes because you need to be mean-spirited, but you've ruled out all other groups, kids don't have a voice, and you don't care about kids because you don't have any, and you feel kind of bad about your abortions, so it's kind of cool to shit on kids.
00:07:55.000You know, they have things like, I just saw an article, you should listen to Beyonce when you're getting your abortion.
00:08:13.000And so that perfect storm of factors, and once again, just to be crystal clear, the factors are dudes who don't put a ring on it, just banging everything that moves.
00:08:26.000Women who have been used and abused and have had three abortions.
00:08:30.000This new rule that everything has to be politically correct in comedy.
00:08:34.000And then the fourth factor is sort of a combination of the first three, where it's just trial and error.
00:08:38.000When you rule out all this bigotry, you're left with one victim.
00:08:42.000And you gotta choose your target, so they choose kids.
00:08:45.000Like there was a vice my alma mater did a big thing where they had a nine-year-old telling jokes about Telling pedophile jokes to this room of guys laughing and I swear to God I could tell by the sounds of the laughs that these people don't have kids and they probably never will and one his last joke was what's the hardest part about being a pedophile and the kid goes just trying to fit in a joke about his own anal rape and
00:09:08.000And then all the childless pigs laugh in the background.
00:09:12.000And I think, so this is where we're at.
00:09:15.000You couldn't dare make that level of taboo joke about race or Jews or Muslims or gays.
00:09:23.000So it's weird how it's sort of like someone wants to fight and they want to use an axe, but they don't want to get hurt.
00:09:29.000You can't raise the bar to that level and then have nothing else apply.
00:09:33.000Or you just look like a deranged pedophile, which is what they all look like now.
00:09:38.000I mean, they're getting a rep as pedophiles.
00:09:40.000We saw, I'm gonna have a thing on CRTV tonight where we go through a whole bunch of pedophile jokes and try to figure out, is this Dan Harmon, the guy who made a fake pilot where he rapes a baby?
00:09:49.000Is this Michael Ian Black, who's told about a hundred jokes about drinking young boys' semen, calling it jizz caviar?
00:09:58.000Is it Sarah Silverman's pedophile jokes?
00:10:00.000Is it Sam Cedar's pedophile jokes about his daughter being raped?
00:10:07.000But you find about five pedophile jokes, and I know the Media Matters angle for this is, uh, alt-right white supremacist laments the lack of racist jokes.
00:11:11.000You know the ugly American with the black socks and the sock garters and the Hawaiian shirt with the camera speaking to some Parisian really slowly?
00:11:19.000I asked you where the Eiffel Tower is, dummy!
00:11:25.000That's America, and I think it's great.
00:11:26.000America, and Trump is like this too, is Rodney Dangerfield in Caddyshack.
00:11:33.000And the classic example is when he farts at the country club, and he goes, whoops!
00:11:40.000That's American in a nutshell, and I think Americans need to embrace that.
00:11:43.000And all this snobby rules is profoundly un-American.
00:11:49.000Like Josh Denny, the guy I was just talking about, he gets it.
00:11:53.000He gets that a big part of comedy is being a dumbass.
00:11:58.000And one of my favorite jokes is, and he got in big trouble for this, he said, can someone tell this Asian girl to close her legs at the public pool?
00:12:05.000I don't want to be sitting here swimming, staring at your slanty pussy.
00:12:09.000Now, parsing jokes and explaining them is disgusting.
00:12:12.000It's like when you had to cut up frogs in science class.
00:12:16.000But to dissect that, you would go, it's clearly a parody of racism and someone who thinks that Asians' vaginas are horizontal and not vertical because they don't have epicanthic folds on their eyes, so maybe their vaginas are similar.
00:12:56.000That's a very well-educated failure who had a great career as a TV host and now he's washed up and he lives in a trailer and he does BBC One and he deserves much more success than he has and that's funny to Brits.
00:15:05.000Allen when it comes to those jokes, but then you can't handle it with any other joke.
00:15:10.000And so anyway, so on SNL, I'm still trying to get to SNL, Two Bits, it was a date, it was a show like, me and my mom!
00:15:16.000And it was a silly, almost like a newlyweds type of show, but it was things about me and my mom, and one of them was, what things do you hate the most?
00:15:23.000And there's a black couple, and a black mother and son, and a white mother and daughter, and then a very religious, see they can make fun of Christians, a very religious mother and son.
00:15:37.000And the other two couples are normal, and it's like, what do you hate the most?
00:15:42.000Mom, my mom hates it when I leave my socks on the floor.
00:15:47.000And the black family does something like that.
00:15:49.000Oh, I'm mostly playing those video games.
00:15:52.000And then the religious sort of, what do you call it, polygamy type family, he goes, what do you hate the most?
00:16:01.000My mom hates it when I get out of our bed earlier than her and she doesn't know where I am and then she's kissing him on the lips and stuff so it's a it's an incest joke it's a pedophile joke it's an anti-christian joke whatever and uh it was actually kind of funny to be totally honest and if they had if peppered their bigotry around it would be a lot less offensive but here's the crazy part you end up with this really obtuse humor that's shocking because nothing else is like it
00:18:01.000So you gotta be pretty darn old to be smashing someone's mom since 1986.
00:18:05.000So in a way, that harshness was better.
00:18:08.000And now that he, whenever he's off his probation, whenever they do do him, when he comes back it'll say something nicer like, looking forward to playing Call of Duty with some pals.
00:18:17.000Now he's with a bunch of fucking 12 year olds.
00:18:20.000And he's gonna probably say fucking shit and stuff and motherfucker into their ears.
00:18:49.000And I grew up with, well first I grew up with, you know, Steve Martin and Richard Pryor and all those kind of legends, watching them, listening to them on vinyl.
00:18:59.000Billy Connolly was big at our house because we're Scottish.
00:19:02.000But even up until like you can go as early as early 2000s Mr. Show Mr. Show was shocking Really harsh and it was across the board even by the way the new Bob and David on Netflix I was happily surprised to see them bash Muslims and Jews and equally they went across the board It wasn't it's not politically correct comedy
00:19:25.000It's funny that David Cross is so anti-MAGA because comedy-wise he's very anti-censorship and tells tons of really harsh jokes.
00:19:35.000So he must be in an inner conundrum right now.
00:21:07.000Anyway, and so it got me thinking about how funny SNL used to be, and I've actually done some prep work here, and I've got some examples.
00:21:19.000One of my favorite sketches, and you would never see this, so this is back... I'm giving you context here because you're probably much younger than me, and I'm showing you how funny shit used to be when there was no rules.
00:21:34.000Corresponding with this infiltration of socialist comedy has been this real disdain and animosity for the flyover states and middle America.
00:23:26.000They had this like Hugh Buckley kind of
00:23:30.000Set like you remember in the 70s and 80s they'd have these really intellectual talking shows William F Buckley I meant to say and they would sit cross-legged on their big chairs and have a brandy and a cigarette and they would talk about politics it was really cool sometimes they'd get drunk like if you look up old Cassavetes interviews where he's on there with Peter Falk you can see they're all hammered
00:23:52.000I'm trying to bring that back with CRTV tonight.
00:23:54.000You can tell some episodes where I've had a little too much whiskey.
00:24:03.000So, Garrett Morris was doing that kind of a show on SNL, a parody, and he was with Julian Bond.
00:24:09.000Now, Julian Bond is a very well-respected, by the right and the left, civil rights leader, was with Martin Luther King, and a handsome young man.
00:24:18.000He's black, but he looks kind of white.
00:24:20.000Anyway, so the juxtaposition for this sketch, which you can't see, obviously, and you can look it up, it's called Garrett Morris and Julian Bond on IQ Tests.
00:24:28.000And we have a very dark black guy, Garrett, talking to a very light guy, Julian.
00:24:49.000My theory is that it's based on the fact that white-skinned blacks are smarter than dark-skinned blacks.
00:25:06.000Like, can you imagine that joke today?
00:25:09.000Julian Bond, a light-skinned black, is saying to a dark-skinned black, I think it's because us light-skinned blacks are smarter than dark-skinned blacks.
00:25:17.000Now you have that joke on SNL, and now you show me that giving birth is hell, and you have a woman who probably has an incestuous relationship with her son, and it's not as damning.
00:25:48.000It's called White Like Me, and I've seen it a million times.
00:25:52.000I see it has 2.5 million views on YouTube, and it's Eddie Murphy dresses up as a white guy, and he has a side part, and he walks like he's got a pickle up his ass, and he goes into various places and sees what happens when you're a white person alone with white people.
00:27:21.000And Eddie Murphy realizes that newspapers are free to white people when there's no black people around.
00:27:26.000And there's about 10 examples like this.
00:27:28.000He's on a bus and all the black people leave and then it's just white people dancing in their strippers and free food.
00:27:33.000Goes to the bank and they go, just take the money, pay it back whenever, don't worry about it.
00:27:37.000And the black guy who wasn't gonna give him a loan, he leaves the room and the manager comes in and then Eddie Murphy goes, ho, ho, ho, ho, silly negro!
00:27:46.000About the black guy who wanted him to have, you know, interest or collateral for the loan.
00:28:01.000And he was the backbone of SNL for a long time, back when it was offensive across the board.
00:28:09.000And he wasn't a liberal, but he wasn't a Nazi or anything, but he understood American humor and he understood that it should have no rules.
00:28:16.000He's the guy, he did other great sketches too, like you ever remember Change Bank?
00:28:20.000That was a thing where it was a bank that only gives change and in the commercials they go, it's amazing, I went in there with a 10 and I needed to break it and they gave me a 5 and 5 ones.
00:28:32.000And then this other woman says, I had a dollar and I needed money for the parking meter, and I also wanted to make a call.
00:28:37.000And they gave me two quarters and five dimes.
00:28:41.000He also did a caveman lawyer with Phil Hartman, where Phil Hartman was a caveman.
00:28:48.000Geico kind of stole that bit from him.
00:28:51.000Anyway, you could tell that when Horatio Sands became part of the crew, that they were losing their edge.
00:29:00.000And Horatio Sanz was quite vocal about it, and he hated Jim Downey.
00:29:05.000He hated Jim Downey's awesome sketches, which defined SNL for something like 30 seasons.
00:29:10.000And Horatio Sanz called him the Karl Rove of SNL.
00:29:16.000And he was basing it on this sketch, which you can only find on Hulu.
00:29:20.000I've actually recorded some of it on my phone.
00:29:24.000He's based on a sketch where they go to Nancy Pelosi, and Nancy Pelosi's surrounded by S&M people, because she's in San Francisco.
00:29:32.000Now, Horatio's not smart enough to get the joke.
00:29:35.000The joke was based on some backlash she was getting from Middle America against her being, I guess, the Speaker of the House, and they're saying she's from San Francisco, and we don't need your San Francisco values, was the term that went viral before there was viral.
00:29:51.000And so he was lampooning that concept by having S&M people around her and talking about crazy sex and stuff.
00:30:15.000And he's already lampooning the concept of white privilege.
00:30:17.000A perfect person, by the way, to be lampooning.
00:30:20.000Jim Downey used to work at Harvard Lampoon for a long time.
00:30:24.000National Lampoon, of course, is responsible for Animal House, which I think is the greatest movie of all time, and sums up American comedy beautifully.
00:31:10.000And by the way, Nancy Pelosi deserves to be made fun of.
00:31:14.000I like her daughter, Alexandra Pelosi, but as someone who used to work for Nancy Pelosi said to me once, you look into her eyes and it's like you're looking into the eyes of a dead goat.
00:31:24.000There's tons of viral videos of her trying to speak too.
00:31:26.000I think she might be on pills or something.
00:31:28.000She sounds like someone who's drunk lying to a cop.
00:31:33.000She just garbles up everything she's saying.
00:31:34.000This is the Nancy Pelosi character saying that we are a great place here in San Francisco and we respect everyone.
00:31:43.000We Americans have always been a religious people, a member of my staff tells me.
00:32:07.000And whatever you may have heard, the Democratic Party is not anti-religion.
00:32:11.000Whether you're a Wiccan Priestess, Druid, Tantric Buddhist, Servant of Moloch, Lord of Fire, Presbyterian, or member of the Cult of Kali, your faith will be respected, so long as no animals are harmed during your ceremonies.
00:33:29.000They all have that black American Apparel sweatshirt or a J.Crew sort of plaid soft shirt and cords and they have Chuck Taylors on or maybe they have those Clark's desert boots.
00:33:45.000I couldn't imagine one wearing red wings or actual denim, you know what I mean?
00:33:49.000It's always a pullover or a sweater vest.
00:33:53.000And I think that's one of the reasons why these social justice warrior comedians, who are the norm by the way, are so anti-conservative and anti-Trump and stuff, because Trump
00:34:05.000When he says make America great again, he doesn't mean slavery, obviously.
00:35:00.000Well, it's because to say I don't like these alpha males because they make me feel weak doesn't sound very tough.
00:35:06.000So they say, I think they're all evil Nazis.
00:35:11.000And it's, you know, this is kind of happening with MIPD.
00:35:14.000There's so many rules now and so much fucking paperwork to fill out that this new generation of cops are tending to be nerds who like paperwork and tons of rules.
00:35:25.000I met these two cops the other day, not the other day, a long time ago, and they both separately had all of the Lord of the Rings on their phones.
00:35:34.000I guess you can just watch The Hobbit sometimes during some downtime.
00:36:15.000That's why, you know, you see such funny memes from the right.
00:36:19.000It's because it's the only place that's left.
00:36:21.000And they must be self-conscious about it.
00:36:23.000Like Owen Benjamin, he pointed out, he showed all the talk show hosts that are on the cover of Vanity Fair or something, and it was Bill Maher and Jimmy Kimmel and Stephen Colbert.
00:36:32.000Jimmy Fallon and Conan O'Brien, and he said something like, all of these people have exactly the same politics.
00:36:48.000It's like affirmative action is ruining comedy.
00:36:50.000Anyway, I'm basically going on a loop here.
00:36:54.000I hope you understand what I'm saying, and I hope if you're going to buy a holster, you go to WeThePeopleHolsters.com and you check out these incredible heat-molded holsters fitted to your gun with a fit so tight it will make you leave your wife.
00:37:10.000They have adjustable cant and ride, so I know it's easy for you thin gentlemen to carry your concealed carry permit, your concealed carry gun, your awesome cool gun that you get to carry wherever you go because you live in an awesome state and you don't go to New York City every day, where we would get five years.
00:37:34.000And when I saw the woman who threw him in jail, I was so disappointed in her tits, I wanted to shoot Clark with that gun.
00:37:41.000I understand if some incredible ten gets you thrown in the clink, but...
00:37:47.000Just briefly, the story is that he bought the gun in Ohio.
00:37:52.000He had hollow point shells, which I think, luckily, the police didn't record just out of benevolence to him, because it's often a year per hollow point.
00:38:21.000And it looks like a ball sack without the balls in it, which is kind of how you would describe modern comedy.
00:38:31.000This isn't following the theme of this podcast, but anyway, um, he comes home and she's fucking another guy.
00:38:38.000So he beats up the guy, and while they're fighting, these two guys, and Clark's a teeny little dude, um, she calls the cops, and then she's crying, but she looks great, like her hair's all up and she clearly was not in a fight, but she goes, he's a threat to me, and they go, okay lady, we'll get him out of here, and then they go, does he have anything that could hurt you?
00:38:56.000And she goes, oh yeah, and his gun, his car and his glove box, he's got a gun.
00:39:07.000And he got a really good lawyer, spent a fortune, and they got it down to three months.
00:39:12.000But I go, I thought that maybe it's because he's white that he got a better deal, but I looked it up.
00:39:18.000Chadwick Moore researched it, and he wrote about this in Dangerous.com, that first-time gun possession, 80% of the time you don't serve any time.
00:39:34.000And then Clark says, yeah, the problem is the courts don't want to look racist, so they tend not to cut deals for white dudes.
00:39:42.000So you better get a good lawyer if you're white, because they feel like there's going to be attention on the case, and they're going to look bad if they're too friendly.
00:39:49.000Anyway, that's got nothing to do with comedy.
00:39:51.000But I had to mention that because I got on a tangent on WeThePeopleHolsters.com.
00:39:55.000Now, if Clark lived in a normal state, he would shop at WeThePeopleHolsters.com and he would buy something where you could adjust the cant and the ride.
00:40:05.000That's the way it angles in your pants.
00:40:07.000And he would never have served three months where he read 41 books.
00:41:30.000Thank God I didn't call the cops, because this is when he was going to trial.
00:41:33.000And by the way, while the trial was going on for his gun case, the chick was texting him like crazy, talking about how bad she wants to fuck him and stuff.
00:41:48.000I have a moral to this whole thing and the moral of the story is that when you meddle and when you censor and when you try to make things, when you try to guarantee an equal outcome for all and make sure no groups are offended and no one's hurt, you end up with a much worse scenario and that's where we are with comedy.
00:42:14.000So now when you look at Twitter feeds or you watch SNL or you go to stand up, the only offensive joke you hear is that someone wants to drink a baby's cum or something else unimaginably disgusting.
00:42:28.000And back in the old days, when even within offensive comedy, it was balanced out.
00:42:35.000So it was less offensive in many ways.
00:42:38.000Now there's just this one joke you keep seeing on a loop.
00:42:47.000That was a pretty unfunny episode about comedy.
00:42:50.000Please go to CRTV.com to check out my show Get Off My Lawn.
00:42:54.000Different show Monday to Thursday and then Monday to Tuesday the next week because the next week I do CRTV Tonight where it's much more.
00:43:00.000There's a real studio and a panel with guests and I got Dinesh D'Souza coming on to talk about his new movie Death of a Nation which I just watched and is awesome.
00:43:34.000Yeah, so that show is a much more of a talk show-y thing.
00:43:37.000And then I also do a show after hours where we have a longer interview with the middle guest, the super guest, the special guest, I guess they're called.