Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - August 07, 2018


Get Off My Lawn Podcast #73 | You ever been shot with a super soaker while reading the newspaper?

Topics
scaring toddlers pornography drinking water at boxing gym
Hosted by
Gavin McInnes
Mentioned
Johnny Buffalo Sebastian Fortnite Superman Grandpa Grammy Ryan Katsu Rivera Spider-Man Fuckin Kitchen Nightmares Dinesh D'Souza John John Amy Winehouse Terry Shepard Gordon Ramsay Doug McKenzie Genghis Khan Robert Moses Jeff Jensen Joey Gibson and 11 more
Ep 164 | Abuse of Sour | Get Off My Lawn Ep 166 | War of the Grosses | Get Off My Lawn

Episode Stats


Length

50 minutes

Words per minute

174.94

Word count

8,753

Sentence count

822

Harmful content

Misogyny

31

sentences flagged

Toxicity

163

sentences flagged

Hate speech

39

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

In this episode, we talk about the Patriot Prayer rally, super soakers, and how to scare people with Halloween candy. Plus, a story about a man who was scared to go to a Halloween party because he thought he was going to get boo'd. Also, a new segment called "Scary Stories from the Past" is out! If you like horror movies, you'll love this one! Get your own copy of "Halloween: The Movie" on Amazon Prime and watch it here. It's free and includes all of the awesome features you've ever wanted! Want to sponsor the podcast? Subscribe, rate, and review it on Apple Podcasts, and become a supporter of the podcast by becoming a patron patron. Just go to bit.ly/support-the-podcast and enter the patron code: PODCAST at checkout to get 10% off your first month with discount code "PODCAST10" at checkout. Thanks to our sponsor, Caff Monster Trucks! Caff is a high quality, high-octane frappuccino made in-house by a professional woodchipper from Chicago. Caff does not take care of all of our patrons' orders, and it's the best in the country! The best coffee in the entire country! Caff doesn't have to be made in Chicago! They make their own coffee and they make it in Chicago, too! Thank you! of course, you can order your own bagel and housekeeping! Can't ask for more than $10,000? or $5,000 and they'll get $10 and I'll get a discount on your order of $50 or $50, they'll give you $10 or $25, and you'll get it back in return, plus they'll receive $50 and I'm also get an ad-free version of the entire day of the ad, plus shipping it's all day, plus a free shipping address and shipping it'll get the rest of the day's worth of free shipping, plus I'll send it all through the shipping address, plus an additional $5 or they'll also receive $5 shipping and shipping that's all you get $5 will get a $5/day, plus all you can decide what you're getting in the ad is best of that gets you a carting it's best, plus $5 gets a discount, plus you get a shipping address?

Transcript

Transcripts from "Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes" are sourced from the Knowledge Fight Interactive Search Tool. Explore them interactively here.
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Toxicity classifications generated with s-nlp/roberta_toxicity_classifier .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
Topics generated with Qwen2.5-3B-Instruct.
Hosts, guests, and mentioned names generated with spaCy (en_core_web_sm), reconciled against Wikidata.
00:00:00.000 You ever been shot with a super soaker when you're reading the paper?
00:00:05.000 It's really loud.
00:00:07.000 You wouldn't think it's as loud as it is, but it is as loud as it is.
00:00:15.000 I was reading the New York Times, which I don't really do anymore.
00:00:18.000 This story is kind of old.
00:00:22.000 My wife would always get the Sunday Times and I would hate read it just to drive myself crazy.
00:00:29.000 It's so, it's, this liberal media, they don't even, they're not even aware of how biased they are.
00:00:35.000 Like, I just saw a news piece about the Patriot Prayer Rally, and clearly the guy doing the story was on the side of the alt-left, and one of his questions to Joy Gibson was, aren't you just provoking them by going over there and trying to get beat up?
00:00:53.000 Nice question.
00:00:54.000 And then when he talked to the lefties, he said, um, he said, uh, shouldn't we just stay home?
00:01:02.000 We.
00:01:03.000 He used the word we.
00:01:05.000 Anyway, I'm not trying to get into that, so I'm just explaining why I had such a huge newspaper.
00:01:09.000 I usually read the New York Post.
00:01:10.000 By the way,
00:01:12.000 Even the shape of the New York Times is irritating.
00:01:14.000 And when you're on the train and someone unfurls this giant tarp of a newspaper that they've got to hold up like they're holding up a giant protest placard, it's massive.
00:01:25.000 And inevitably, if you're on the train, unless you're an origami expert and you can fold it into a shape where you can see, unless you're that good at folding, you're holding it into someone's face.
00:01:39.000 So it's, it's lib-spreading, no matter how you slice it.
00:01:44.000 The New York Post just sits in your hands.
00:01:47.000 Minds its own business.
00:01:49.000 You can read it.
00:01:50.000 It's got silly little salacious local stuff at the beginning and gossip, then there's the heavier pieces towards the end of the first half, and then it's all sports.
00:02:00.000 Perfect paper.
00:02:01.000 A little too much sports for my liking, but whatever.
00:02:05.000 Anyway, so I'm reading The Times, and uh,
00:02:09.000 I just hear... Because it's surrounding your face.
00:02:14.000 So when someone blasts you with a super soaker, the drops each sound like... So there's... And then the sound sort of reverberates around your head.
00:02:25.000 So it's... I'm very high strung.
00:02:28.000 I'm one of these guys.
00:02:29.000 If you say boo or jump out, I scream and start punching.
00:02:35.000 My dad was the same way.
00:02:36.000 I used to scare him a lot as a kid.
00:02:39.000 I'm actually a scare expert now.
00:02:42.000 I've even worked volunteer... I've even volunteered at a haunted house.
00:02:48.000 And here's the key to scaring people.
00:02:51.000 You don't go BOO! 0.98
00:02:53.000 That's... that's for amateurs.
00:02:55.000 What you do is you walk at them, right?
00:02:59.000 And you talk.
00:03:01.000 Like, are we gonna be going over there on Friday?
00:03:04.000 Because they don't have a file for that in their brains.
00:03:07.000 And that's the best scare.
00:03:09.000 The worst thing you can do is give them context and explanation.
00:03:13.000 And boo comes with a whole con... Oh, that's someone scaring me.
00:03:16.000 I get it.
00:03:17.000 Yeah.
00:03:19.000 Someone walking at you and explaining something and moving towards you, now you're sort of falling backwards and you don't understand what the hell this person's doing.
00:03:27.000 Now, when I was working, this was in Brooklyn, my friend Jeff Jensen's house, his local park was converted into a haunted pathway.
00:03:35.000 By the way, all these Mexicans and Puerto Ricans were bringing their toddlers to this super, like we had a chainsaw, we had really spooky ghosts, like it was a scary, scary place. 1.00
00:03:46.000 It's for adults to scare them, like guys with an axe and everything. 0.74
00:03:49.000 And then these Hispanics were bringing their toddlers. 0.99
00:03:52.000 I'm like, okay, I have to scare your child.
00:03:54.000 The kids are bawling their eyes out.
00:03:56.000 But my costume for that was just a tuxedo with dishwashing gloves turned inside out, so these big bulky white gloves.
00:04:04.000 And then I made my whole face completely white, eyebrows and everything, but my mustache black.
00:04:11.000 I know that doesn't sound very scary, but trust me, it looks really weird.
00:04:14.000 And then when you walk at people going, hey man, are we going to be going?
00:04:17.000 And you just have this like, are we going to be going there on Friday?
00:04:19.000 Or what day is it?
00:04:21.000 And you walk at people like that.
00:04:22.000 They jump through bushes. 0.54
00:04:24.000 I mean, they poop their pants. 1.00
00:04:25.000 And I learned that skill from scaring my dad.
00:04:29.000 I would wait in his closet.
00:04:31.000 And he had a closet with doors that opened up instead of slide to the right and the left.
00:04:35.000 And as I saw the door opening, I would come out and go, Hi, there!
00:04:39.000 Are we gonna be going?
00:04:40.000 And I would just start walking at him, talking really fast.
00:04:44.000 And there's no file there.
00:04:45.000 It's not like Boo.
00:04:47.000 There's no file in their brain for person who is busy and is coming at me, I don't know, from my shirts.
00:04:55.000 So anyway, um, my boy does that.
00:05:00.000 And, uh,
00:05:01.000 I pulled the paper down, and he's standing there.
00:05:04.000 He has no pants on.
00:05:04.000 This is last year, so he would be four.
00:05:07.000 And I was outside on the balcony.
00:05:10.000 This is at our old apartment.
00:05:12.000 So wait a minute.
00:05:13.000 He must have been three.
00:05:13.000 That must have been two years ago.
00:05:15.000 And he's got his super soaker, which is the same size as him. 0.99
00:05:19.000 He's got a t-shirt on, so his little penis is hanging down. 1.00
00:05:23.000 His legs are spread. 1.00
00:05:24.000 He's got the gun in his hand that it's as big.
00:05:26.000 It would be like if you were carrying an ironing board.
00:05:29.000 Like that's how big it looks on him.
00:05:31.000 And then he also has what appears to be blood all over his face.
00:05:38.000 And... So now I'm also freaking out.
00:05:42.000 So first there's the scare of the loud sound.
00:05:44.000 Then I look down and my son is bloodied.
00:05:47.000 And...
00:05:48.000 I think, wait a minute, as I'm slowly realizing it might be lipstick that he rubbed all over, not just his lips, but the entire bottom half of his face, like the Joker.
00:05:58.000 And I go, what happened?
00:06:00.000 And then he just goes, he pronounced the word all L's with a Y for a while, so he just says, yips, meaning lips.
00:06:08.000 And he just goes, yips, and then gives it another pump, and I get blasted again.
00:06:15.000 This was all in the space of, of like five seconds.
00:06:18.000 So... What happened to your... Yeah!
00:06:22.000 And then I'm blasted right in my face.
00:06:25.000 The other two aren't like that.
00:06:28.000 I have a 11 year old, a 10 year old, and a 5 year old.
00:06:32.000 But they, they don't attack me.
00:06:34.000 But Johnny, little Johnny Buffalo, he'll punch me in the face if I fall asleep on the couch or something.
00:06:40.000 He fights me all the time and his punches are good.
00:06:43.000 He's the one I did the How to Fight a Baby video that got, uh, 11 million, 13 million views.
00:06:50.000 He's not a baby anymore.
00:06:51.000 Now he's a little guy.
00:06:52.000 Now, it's an unfortunate thing with five-year-olds.
00:06:54.000 They start learning words.
00:06:56.000 Like, he, he thought the word termites was turd bites.
00:07:00.000 Uh, and he says when you spin around a lot, you get busy.
00:07:04.000 And, uh, there's a bunch like that.
00:07:07.000 And then they start saying them correctly.
00:07:08.000 Ugh.
00:07:11.000 I think actually I said to him, hey Johnny, what's it called when you spin around a bunch of times?
00:07:16.000 And I think he said, you get nauseous.
00:07:20.000 It's heartbreaking when they start to learn the English language correctly, really.
00:07:24.000 It's painful.
00:07:26.000 Painfully sad.
00:07:28.000 But, uh... I just... I was lying in bed the other night and my wife was out of town with the kids.
00:07:34.000 She took them to her mother's.
00:07:35.000 And I was just laughing, thinking about all the things he does.
00:07:39.000 How obstinate he is.
00:07:41.000 And how he'll just say no, or... If I say something to the kids, like, no more video games!
00:07:46.000 They'll cry.
00:07:47.000 If I punish them, they'll cry.
00:07:49.000 He doesn't cry when I get mad at him.
00:07:51.000 He just scowls.
00:07:52.000 This includes timeouts or everything.
00:07:54.000 I think I've even, like, slapped his hand if he, you know, punched his daughter.
00:08:00.000 Punched his sister in the face or something terrible. 0.94
00:08:03.000 I think it's okay to hit your kid, like, for the doozies, like running out onto traffic. 0.99
00:08:07.000 You want to save a spanking for that. 1.00
00:08:09.000 Not just, you know, they didn't finish their dinner.
00:08:12.000 But anyway, other kids would cry if I punished them. 1.00
00:08:15.000 But he just scowls, and then if I really push it, he won't get sadder, he'll get madder, and he'll say something like, you're shit. 1.00
00:08:27.000 Or, you're asshole. 1.00
00:08:30.000 Because I guess he's noticed that when I'm super mad, I swear. 1.00
00:08:33.000 So he goes, swearing is what you do when you're pissed.
00:08:35.000 I'm pissed. 1.00
00:08:36.000 You're shit. 1.00
00:08:39.000 That was cracking me up. 1.00
00:08:40.000 Or another thing that cracked me up is he had strep throat.
00:08:47.000 And I found that out the next day when I took him to the doctors.
00:08:49.000 But in the middle of the night he was just breathing weird and it sounded so phlegmy.
00:08:53.000 So I slept.
00:08:54.000 I stayed up next to him monitoring his breathing because I was worried his whole throat was going to close.
00:08:59.000 Didn't sleep and I at one point.
00:09:01.000 I sort of I thought if he could just cough now.
00:09:03.000 I was wrong by the way It wasn't phlegm it was swollen tonsils this so there was no coughing isn't gonna help you It's not like you have a loogie in your throat you have swollen things in your esophagus But I sort of sat him up, and I and so he's asleep, and I go Johnny Johnny wake up
00:09:18.000 Wake up.
00:09:18.000 I need you to cough.
00:09:20.000 Cough.
00:09:21.000 And I finally got him sort of awake and he just shakes his head no and goes back to sleep.
00:09:26.000 I don't know why that cracked me up so much.
00:09:29.000 But I find it hilarious.
00:09:31.000 I find it hilarious that you're a grown up is trying to help you like take your medicine and all kids listen.
00:09:40.000 That's why you say don't talk to strangers because they they instinctually trust old people especially their parents. 1.00
00:09:47.000 Not this guy.
00:09:49.000 I need you to cough.
00:09:50.000 No, I'm not coughing.
00:09:50.000 I'm going back to bed.
00:09:51.000 Fuck you. 1.00
00:09:53.000 Okay. 1.00
00:09:56.000 I'm telling you though, as a parent, this Fortnite thing is getting to crack levels.
00:10:03.000 Epidemic, serious, bad stuff.
00:10:07.000 It's getting, and it's got to the point now where you'll be at a bar with another dad and inevitably it gets to, so what are you doing about Fortnite?
00:10:18.000 Oh, well, we... I can tell you what I'm doing at Gavin McInnes.
00:10:21.000 I built a lockbox, and I put it all in there, and they get an hour and 15 minutes on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, and then nothing for the rest of the week.
00:10:29.000 But even that is crippling them.
00:10:32.000 Like, I took the kids to the beach on the weekend, and they just didn't know what to do with themselves.
00:10:39.000 I said to my daughter, I go, did your best friend drown this morning?
00:10:42.000 What the hell's the matter with you? 0.98
00:10:44.000 They're just moping. 0.99
00:10:46.000 And I honestly believe that it screens.
00:10:48.000 It kind of reminds me of Amy Winehouse where she was winning some award and she'd quit heroin and she, as she was growing up to get the award, she whispered to her friend, this is so boring without drugs.
00:11:01.000 So heroin had provided all her joy, and then anything without heroin sucked after that.
00:11:05.000 And it's getting this way with these kids and screens.
00:11:08.000 Now, my kids don't play lacrosse.
00:11:10.000 I don't really... I don't really get the appeal, but in the suburbs, everyone's into lacrosse, and every lawn has a lacrosse training thing where you whip the ball into the thing.
00:11:20.000 What are we, Apaches 200 years ago?
00:11:23.000 But, uh, I was talking to another dad, and he coaches lacrosse, and he said,
00:11:30.000 I've been doing this for 24 years.
00:11:33.000 Every year, my team starts out okay, and then they slowly get better, and by the end, they're really good.
00:11:38.000 And part of that is those nets I just told you about, and practicing, and working on their own, and working on throwing and catching in the park with their friends, and practicing and practicing.
00:11:46.000 Obviously, the games aren't that much lacrosse, you know?
00:11:50.000 Even if you probably play every three days or something, that's not getting better.
00:11:57.000 And he said, for the first time ever, 0.98
00:12:00.000 My team didn't improve and he goes it's because they're playing fortnight It's and it's a game where you're shooting people so you have little kids running around with various guns Shooting people and you also build stuff and it's like Minecraft meets Call of Duty meets You know some other stupid. 0.99
00:12:19.000 I don't like video games. 0.99
00:12:19.000 I think they're a fucking waste of time I can't believe people play them 0.99
00:12:24.000 We had them when we were little kids, and then we started liking girls. 0.99
00:12:28.000 And so, we would only play video games at the arcade where girls are, and then we would go hang out where girls are and not play the video games and try to get in their pants. 1.00
00:12:37.000 Now you have 34 year olds going,
00:12:39.000 I'm Superman!
00:12:41.000 I'm flying through the sky!
00:12:43.000 Look at- Ooh, now I'm Spider-Man!
00:12:45.000 Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun!
00:12:47.000 Spider-Man!
00:12:48.000 Spider-Man!
00:12:50.000 I'm a 34-year-old Spider-Man! 0.84
00:12:52.000 I'm shooting bad guys with my webs!
00:12:54.000 I'm a pretend guy! 0.99
00:12:56.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah! 1.00
00:12:57.000 Fuckin' Call of Duty. 0.99
00:12:59.000 I'm in the military! 1.00
00:13:01.000 I'm a soldier!
00:13:02.000 I'm fight- It's the same with pornography. 0.96
00:13:05.000 I hate pornography.
00:13:07.000 I'm that guy. 0.97
00:13:09.000 Oh yeah, I'm pretending that I'm a guy. 1.00
00:13:13.000 Fuckin' a hot chick. 1.00
00:13:15.000 That would be cool if that was the case. 1.00
00:13:18.000 Well then go make it the case.
00:13:20.000 Why are you watching someone else have sex? 0.97
00:13:24.000 And in both cases, by the way, your brain goes, wow, uh, you are laying a lot of tens. 0.99
00:13:32.000 You had, like, five tens today.
00:13:34.000 I'm going to reward you with endorphins when you do that, and then I'm going to deny you them when you're walking down the street and doing other stuff.
00:13:45.000 So I stole most of this from this brilliant documentary called Your Brain on Porn.
00:13:50.000 It's why I quit porn.
00:13:52.000 We started as a dare with this comedian Dante Nero and then we were corresponding with each other going, have you noticed that you sort of hum when you walk down the street now?
00:14:01.000 And he's like, dude, I have superpowers and I've never been so laid.
00:14:06.000 And I noticed my marriage improved when I quit too, because I only have one source.
00:14:12.000 For the Humana Humana and the Hound Dog.
00:14:14.000 And if that tap's cut off, I die of thirst.
00:14:18.000 Hundreds of thousands of marriages are destroyed by porn, by the way.
00:14:22.000 So the way porn thinks... Your brain just assumes you're Genghis Khan, and you're traveling from city to city, inseminating all these tens.
00:14:31.000 So it says, go Genghis, go.
00:14:34.000 But that's not happening.
00:14:35.000 So when the reality, when your brain finds out you were lying to it, it punishes you.
00:14:39.000 And it's the same with video games.
00:14:40.000 Your brain goes, well, you're kind of a badass.
00:14:43.000 You just shot 10 bad guys and you rescued your friends from getting shot.
00:14:48.000 You carried your fellow Marines on your shoulders.
00:14:52.000 I'm going to reward you with endorphins and make everything else crappy because I want to reward that behavior.
00:14:57.000 Evolution has taught us that heroes need to be rewarded with endorphins and you get more heroes and they breed more.
00:15:03.000 So your brain is just, you're rewiring your brain, literally.
00:15:10.000 And by the way, guys, you can join the military.
00:15:14.000 Like, there's so many attainable fantasies.
00:15:18.000 It kind of annoys me, kind of annoys me with these thrill seekers too.
00:15:22.000 I've talked to Terry Shepard about this.
00:15:23.000 When I see you in those flying squirrel suits, jumping off a cliff and stuff, I go, can't you just be in the army saving lives?
00:15:31.000 Like, can't you be fighting for us, shooting bad guys?
00:15:35.000 Why are you fantasizing about such an attainable goal?
00:15:40.000 Not when I play Superman, though.
00:15:41.000 Okay, I admit that being Superman is not attainable.
00:15:45.000 I guess I understand your logic there.
00:15:47.000 But you realize what Superman and Spider-Man were created for, right?
00:15:52.000 Seven-year-olds who are getting bullied at school and need a release.
00:15:56.000 So we provide these poor, sad, wimp children with a fantasy. 1.00
00:16:03.000 So they can feel better about themselves. 0.88
00:16:06.000 It's not true.
00:16:07.000 They're not really Spider-Man.
00:16:09.000 And the amount of grown men I see wearing Wolverine shirts breaks my heart.
00:16:16.000 It's up there with sandals, flip-flops, and cargo shorts.
00:16:22.000 It's up there with water while we're at it. 0.99
00:16:24.000 What is going on with this fucking water everywhere? 1.00
00:16:27.000 You're all brainwashed. 1.00
00:16:30.000 First of all, you don't need much water.
00:16:32.000 And if you do, grab a cup and take it from the tap.
00:16:36.000 I see people at the beach and stuff, and my son goes to a batting cage, and they're like, can I get a water, please?
00:16:42.000 And they'll get a water in a plastic thing.
00:16:44.000 You know that you can say to the same salesperson, can you just get me a cup and pour some water in it with some ice?
00:16:50.000 That's free.
00:16:50.000 The latter's free.
00:16:51.000 The former's $3.75.
00:16:51.000 They're both from the tap.
00:16:54.000 Poland Spring is from the tap.
00:16:56.000 They don't ship it here from a Polish spring.
00:16:59.000 You're just drinking tap water that's in a different shaped container.
00:17:03.000 And then they go, actually, I have a steel thermos, so I'm not hurting the environment.
00:17:09.000 A, I don't care about landfills.
00:17:11.000 We're doing fine for landfills.
00:17:12.000 So the idea that there's excess garbage is a myth.
00:17:15.000 And I know you're worried about turtles and plastic bags in the river.
00:17:18.000 Those rivers, there's like two of them that have the 90% of the world's trash, and they're both in China. 1.00
00:17:24.000 But, I am a little annoyed that you're buying all this stupid plastic. 0.99
00:17:28.000 But you, with the steel water bottle, what are we, in Nevada? 1.00
00:17:34.000 Are we in the fucking desert? 0.99
00:17:35.000 Why are you so concerned about dehydration? 1.00
00:17:40.000 At my boxing gym there's a sign, you know what it says?
00:17:43.000 It says, good fighters don't need water, bad fighters don't deserve it.
00:17:47.000 Drinking water at a boxing gym is a sin.
00:17:50.000 It's like, uh...
00:17:52.000 Cheating.
00:17:53.000 It's just people look at you and go, oh, I guess you're not serious.
00:17:56.000 Kind of disappointing.
00:17:57.000 You're pussying out, eh?
00:17:59.000 But I see people going on walks in the suburb.
00:18:02.000 A walk.
00:18:04.000 W-A-L-K. 1.00
00:18:05.000 A walk.
00:18:06.000 On a semi-cloudy day.
00:18:08.000 Not 90 degrees.
00:18:10.000 Like 76 degrees, and it's a husband and wife getting their little mile walk in.
00:18:16.000 By the way, mom and dad, that does absolutely nothing for you.
00:18:19.000 Walking a mile is totally irrelevant. 1.00
00:18:21.000 It's the same as sitting on your ass. 1.00
00:18:22.000 If you're not breaking a sweat, you're wasting your time. 1.00
00:18:25.000 But no, no, we got to get out.
00:18:26.000 I'm not talking about 90-year-olds.
00:18:27.000 I'm talking about my age, middle-aged people.
00:18:30.000 And both of them are carrying a steel water bottle, just in case somewhere along the mile walk
00:18:39.000 One of them becomes dehydrated and dies.
00:18:41.000 I think I've found out there was one case of dehydration in all of America, and it was someone at a rave who was on MDMA and danced for 30 hours and didn't drink anything.
00:18:50.000 That's the only time it's happened.
00:18:51.000 These women, they've had to change the size of purses now. 1.00
00:18:55.000 Women carry these giant leather tote bags because they need five liters of water. 1.00
00:19:01.000 A giant thing of water in there.
00:19:03.000 I gotta stay hydrated.
00:19:04.000 Why?
00:19:06.000 And this is what really drives me nuts.
00:19:08.000 You go to a restaurant and before anything, all five of us, my three kids, me and my wife, we all are given these huge waters that are a foot tall, full of ice.
00:19:20.000 Kids get smaller ones with straws and then a big, big, huge pitcher of water.
00:19:24.000 We're about to order beverages.
00:19:27.000 Why are you giving us two beverages?
00:19:29.000 Now I order my beer and I have a giant thing of water and a beer.
00:19:35.000 How annoying is that?
00:19:36.000 And my wife doesn't have my back. 1.00
00:19:40.000 So the last time we went out for dinner, I go, no, no, no, we're not doing water.
00:19:42.000 We're not, no, no, no, no.
00:19:43.000 We're about to, the kids are about to order Sprites.
00:19:44.000 They don't need another water.
00:19:46.000 And my wife goes, no, no, no, we'll take it. 0.54
00:19:47.000 We'll take it.
00:19:48.000 And then she has three little waters before she orders her wine.
00:19:51.000 That's another thing that drives me nuts.
00:19:53.000 And my wife does it all the time. 1.00
00:19:54.000 I'll get a wine and a water, please.
00:19:57.000 And a water?
00:19:59.000 Ryan tried to do this the other day, my engineer.
00:20:02.000 Ryan Katsu Rivera.
00:20:04.000 We go to the bar, and he's like, Yeah, I'm just gonna go to water, thanks.
00:20:07.000 No, you're not.
00:20:09.000 Get out of the bar, then. 0.89
00:20:11.000 Oh my god, I was in D.C. 0.99
00:20:13.000 at the hotel, and there was this fucking irritating group. 0.99
00:20:17.000 Really, I don't know what happened to bullying, but it is making nerds and losers really proud of themselves. 0.99
00:20:25.000 And they go to bars and they talk loudly like no one's gonna wedgie them, because no one is.
00:20:29.000 And it's, I think it's one of the worst things we've ever done, is outlawing bullying.
00:20:34.000 I don't think there's an in crowd in high school anymore. 0.94
00:20:36.000 I think the fat ugly people don't get teased, they're fine. 0.99
00:20:39.000 They could be the prom king. 0.99
00:20:42.000 The whole hierarchy's shattered.
00:20:44.000 Now everyone's the same in high school.
00:20:47.000 I've even noticed loud annoying people at bars.
00:20:49.000 Like I was at this bar the other day and me and the bartender were talking about bar rescue and this 22 year old keeps getting into our conversation going, yeah I saw a show, well not like that, but it was Gordon Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares.
00:21:03.000 I'm looking at him going, dude you need to shut up.
00:21:07.000 We're both three times your age. 0.98
00:21:10.000 Show some respect.
00:21:11.000 Like, I go to the Knights of Columbus where I'm the baby.
00:21:13.000 Everyone there is 70, and I shut my mouth. 1.00
00:21:16.000 If I have the most insanely hilarious joke, and it's quick, and it's a little quip, I can't resist peppering the conversation with a zinger, but it'll be like a laugh-out-loud zinger. 0.97
00:21:26.000 If I have anything less than a neutron bomb to deliver, I shut my mouth.
00:21:30.000 I haven't earned it yet.
00:21:32.000 Not the kids today. 0.99
00:21:34.000 Anyway, I'm at the bar and this ugly, fat, I assumed was a lesbian, but no, just an ugly housewife who cut her hair like a weird boy because it's more comfortable that way, and she has no intention of being remotely attractive. 1.00
00:21:46.000 Big, fat, ugly, androgynous-looking wife. 1.00
00:21:50.000 Poor, poor husband. 1.00
00:21:52.000 And she comes up and she goes, yeah, I'm going to order something that's a giant pain in the ass because women aren't meant to drink alcohol, so they have to trick their bodies with some elaborate, 1.00
00:22:01.000 Fruity punch that takes the bartender about five minutes to make and we're all waiting for our normal drinks like Budweiser's and Maker's Mark on the rocks and she's there shaking and stirring and got the fruit juice and the blue crap and the little olive and then she says this, oh and then just like uh and then I'll just have five waters for the table. 0.99
00:22:22.000 So wait a minute, you are hanging out with five lame people?
00:22:27.000 I mean, it's annoying when one person orders a water, but there's five people that are all annoying, and they're all together. 0.57
00:22:35.000 Five people that don't get how irritating it is to order a water.
00:22:39.000 I told you about the guy, I'm sure I told you about the Blackberry Margarita incident, right?
00:22:43.000 Me and my buddy Sebastian, when we ran an ad agency, which was shut down for my- because they- no one likes my views on trans people. 0.97
00:22:49.000 I wrote an article that basically said trans people are just mentally ill gays, they're not women. 0.75
00:22:54.000 And huge backlash, shut down the ad agency, 15 people out of a job. 0.99
00:22:59.000 Now, we had just sold it to a bigger company called Havas, so we made millions.
00:23:04.000 So we were fine.
00:23:06.000 But all the young people lost a job.
00:23:08.000 Because of my views that I wrote somewhere else.
00:23:10.000 Had nothing to do with the ad agency, but they found out where I worked.
00:23:13.000 Anyway, so Sebastian and I had this great technique where you don't buy first class, you buy coach, but you get shit faced and you get the latest flight you can to LA and you wake up six hours sleep and the flight is instantaneous.
00:23:29.000 Like you sit down,
00:23:30.000 And then, as you're putting on your seatbelt, the stewardess grabs your shoulder and goes, sir, we're in LA.
00:23:37.000 And you go, oh, did you separate my molecules?
00:23:40.000 Is this the TARDIS?
00:23:41.000 Are we on Star Trek?
00:23:43.000 No, sir, it was a six and a half hour flight.
00:23:45.000 You must have conked out the second you sat down.
00:23:49.000 So that's what you do.
00:23:50.000 It has backfired once.
00:23:52.000 One time I was by myself, and I got so blind drunk that I managed to make it to the gate.
00:23:59.000 And then they go, uh, sir, the flight's been delayed 30 minutes.
00:24:03.000 And I go, uh-oh, that wasn't part of the formula.
00:24:07.000 I'm a bomb.
00:24:08.000 I'm about to go off.
00:24:09.000 And then I woke up, still at the gate, and it was one in the morning. 0.98
00:24:19.000 And that sucks. 0.99
00:24:22.000 There's the black guy with the buffing machine. 1.00
00:24:26.000 The thing that buffs the marble floors or whatever?
00:24:30.000 He's the only guy there.
00:24:31.000 And your brain doesn't want you to know the bad news.
00:24:34.000 So your brain lies.
00:24:35.000 Because it knows you can't handle the truth.
00:24:38.000 And your brain goes, don't worry about it, Gav. 0.95
00:24:40.000 Just go down and get the next flight.
00:24:42.000 There's probably a flight.
00:24:42.000 The airport's not closed.
00:24:45.000 You're fine.
00:24:46.000 It's just not very populated right now.
00:24:48.000 It's late.
00:24:49.000 But there's a 1am.
00:24:50.000 There's a 3am.
00:24:50.000 There's a 2am.
00:24:51.000 There's tons of flights. 1.00
00:24:53.000 And then you get to the gate, the actual ticket counter, and you see this steel cage slammed down, and you go, you're a stupid idiot, sir. 1.00
00:25:02.000 You have to take a cab back into the city, sleep for two hours at your friend's house, and then get to 5 a.m. 1.00
00:25:10.000 But, so we're rushing in the airport, and please forgive me if you've already heard this story, but we get there and vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv
00:25:22.000 And she's where she don't belong.
00:25:24.000 They don't belong on pirate ships.
00:25:27.000 They don't belong in barber shops.
00:25:29.000 They don't belong in bars. 1.00
00:25:31.000 And this stupid bitch has ordered a blackberry margarita. 1.00
00:25:35.000 And so Sebastian is doing that thing with his brain, where his brain won't let him accept the fact that we might not get wasted before a flight, because we were late for the flight. 1.00
00:25:43.000 So I think they were boarding.
00:25:45.000 And it's possible we won't get one drink in.
00:25:48.000 Before the flight.
00:25:49.000 My brain is handling that.
00:25:50.000 He goes, can we get a, can we get, and the guy's ignoring him, shaking, and he's got a blender out with blackberries in it.
00:25:58.000 And Sebastian's like, can we, excuse me, excuse me, can we get, and the guy eventually goes, sir, I will get to you shortly. 1.00
00:26:06.000 And I look at Sebastian and I go, dude, let's find this bitch and kill her. 1.00
00:26:12.000 He ends up making two blackberry margaritas, which are just as tall as the things, the waters that I told you about earlier. 0.99
00:26:20.000 And then, to make matters worse, they order a water.
00:26:25.000 And to make matters worser, it was two guys. 0.77
00:26:30.000 And to make matters worst, they weren't gay. 1.00
00:26:35.000 So, I want to- I want them to die. 1.00
00:26:38.000 Oh, and then to make matters worse-es-y worse-es-est, there's a woman next to them. 1.00
00:26:43.000 Guess what she's drinking? 1.00
00:26:45.000 A fucking beer. 1.00
00:26:47.000 You know, that thing that takes five seconds and doesn't waste anyone's time? 1.00
00:26:51.000 And I think here I am being sexist, and men are way worse than women. 1.00
00:26:58.000 This isn't a dyke. 1.00
00:26:59.000 This is like a nice lady with a skirt and a fucking Stella Artois. 1.00
00:27:06.000 So Sebastian's like, can you believe these cocksuckers? 1.00
00:27:08.000 And I go, no, I don't think we're going to get this fight because I think I'm going to get arrested. 0.99
00:27:13.000 I'm going to fight them.
00:27:18.000 So we order our makers to order doubles, which is insanely expensive at an airport.
00:27:23.000 It's like thirty-five dollars.
00:27:25.000 Slam those. 1.00
00:27:25.000 Two doubles. 1.00
00:27:26.000 We managed to get four drinks in us.
00:27:28.000 Spend like a hundred bucks.
00:27:29.000 It'd be cheaper to upgrade.
00:27:31.000 Wait, have I already talked about this?
00:27:34.000 And uh...
00:27:36.000 And then I think I have to attack them. 1.00
00:27:38.000 Now I could just go the normal route and say, what the fuck are you guys doing? 1.00
00:27:43.000 What are those? 0.98
00:27:44.000 But I invented this thing you can do when someone annoys you.
00:27:47.000 Pretend to be a tourist. 0.96
00:27:50.000 So, like, say there was black guys dancing in the poles in the subway. 0.92
00:27:54.000 You know, and they're like, hey man, we're called the Floor Freaks, and if you could help donate.
00:27:58.000 And they put down a boombox and they start spinning around the poles. 0.99
00:28:01.000 And you want to go up to them and risk your life by saying, what the hell are you guys doing dancing around? 1.00
00:28:05.000 If you hit me, or you even come close to, I'm going to murder all of you. 1.00
00:28:09.000 Grow up, by the way. 1.00
00:28:10.000 What are you, dancing?
00:28:11.000 Does your father know?
00:28:12.000 Oh, you don't know your father?
00:28:13.000 Good.
00:28:13.000 Because if you knew him, he'd be ashamed that you're a professional subway dancer.
00:28:18.000 And you obviously can't do that.
00:28:20.000 But what you could do is you could pretend to be really enthusiastic.
00:28:23.000 And you could say, Hello, excuse me, I'm from Poland.
00:28:26.000 Um, this is a very interesting dance that you go on the pole.
00:28:30.000 Oh, yeah, thanks, man. 0.99
00:28:31.000 It's called fucking Subway Floor Freaks. 0.99
00:28:34.000 And then you go, Oh, this is like stripper. 0.99
00:28:36.000 Strippers also dance on poles, do they not? 1.00
00:28:39.000 And now you managed to sneak an insult in, but you don't get killed because you're pretending you're just a dumb Polish guy who doesn't understand the culture. 0.99
00:28:49.000 I've also, uh, I've done that with cabbies, too. 0.99
00:28:52.000 You know how they talk and talk and talk?
00:28:55.000 And one thing I like to do to torment them is, uh... Uh, I'm sorry, are you talking to me?
00:29:01.000 Oh, no.
00:29:02.000 I am talking to my friend.
00:29:03.000 My friend is on phone.
00:29:06.000 Oh! 0.99
00:29:06.000 Oh, that's... Are you gay? 0.99
00:29:08.000 Not! 0.88
00:29:09.000 What did you say to me?
00:29:11.000 I'm really sorry, it's just that in my culture, it's usually gays and 13-year-old girls who talk on the phone that much.
00:29:16.000 So I know you're not a 13-year-old girl, so I was confused.
00:29:20.000 No, not gay! 0.85
00:29:21.000 Okay, I apologize.
00:29:23.000 Jeez, I'm just trying to get to know you.
00:29:25.000 Anyway, with these guys, I had a tartan jacket.
00:29:30.000 And I said, uh, hey gentlemen, I'm sorry to interrupt.
00:29:33.000 Yes, you know, I'm just a bit curious.
00:29:36.000 I couldn't help but notice those drinks.
00:29:37.000 What are those?
00:29:39.000 And they go, oh, there are blackberry margaritas.
00:29:42.000 It's kind of a tradition with him and I when we come here. 1.00
00:29:45.000 Imagine having a blackberry margarita tradition with your fucking friend. 0.99
00:29:51.000 Hey Gary, it's blackberry margarita day. 1.00
00:29:54.000 Oh, we'll go to JFK and we'll have our classic blackberry margaritas that waste everyone's time.
00:30:00.000 And I go, um, and I go, that's curious.
00:30:05.000 And then you also got a water.
00:30:07.000 Water's hard to say with a Scottish accent.
00:30:09.000 And they go, yeah.
00:30:13.000 And then I go, I also couldn't help but notice that the woman next to you is drinking a beer. 1.00
00:30:18.000 And they go, they start laughing.
00:30:20.000 And they go, I know, right?
00:30:22.000 And then one of them goes, not normal.
00:30:25.000 Now I'm mad.
00:30:26.000 It didn't work.
00:30:27.000 I'm trying to just antagonize them a little bit like the floor freaks on the subway without getting stabbed or sent to jail. 0.75
00:30:35.000 But these guys are having a great time.
00:30:38.000 And they think it's funny that they're not normal.
00:30:42.000 Now I'm fu- the not normal really just set me off and I broke character, but I kept it Scottish. 0.99
00:30:48.000 And I said, uh, GET A FUCKING SPRAY TAN TOO! 0.99
00:30:53.000 And then stormed away. 0.99
00:30:57.000 But the moral of that story is, um,
00:31:04.000 We're forgetting how to be human beings, and it's especially bad with kids.
00:31:09.000 They are forgetting how to play.
00:31:10.000 Going to the beach for my kids is torture.
00:31:13.000 The five-year-old, he doesn't mind.
00:31:16.000 He's cool. 0.98
00:31:17.000 He's so fucking funny, too. 0.65
00:31:20.000 I've been tweeting some of the things he said. 0.96
00:31:22.000 Like yesterday, we're watching a... we're watching a...
00:31:28.000 Strange Brew, Bob and Doug McKenzie, and we have these gigantic pillows.
00:31:32.000 Like, they're really long and about 8 feet by 4 feet.
00:31:35.000 These long tube pillows that you can make into a couch or anything.
00:31:39.000 And everyone's sitting on those and he jumps from the real couch over all the fake couch pillows and lands upside down and sort of bends his back all weird.
00:31:49.000 And then he's lying there and we're, my wife and I are concerned he broke his back because it was a huge jump and he's totally fearless.
00:31:56.000 And so my wife goes, Johnny, Johnny, are you okay?
00:31:59.000 And he's not moving for a second.
00:32:01.000 I go, Oh great.
00:32:01.000 He just killed himself.
00:32:03.000 And then he gets up and he goes, that was a whoopsie daisy.
00:32:07.000 And then goes back to the original couch to do it again.
00:32:11.000 Maybe he's right. 1.00
00:32:12.000 Maybe I am shit. 1.00
00:32:14.000 So he can appreciate the beach and he'll go catch crabs or something, but the other two are just like, this sucks, man. 1.00
00:32:22.000 My friends aren't here.
00:32:22.000 There's no screens.
00:32:24.000 So not Fortnite.
00:32:25.000 The beach.
00:32:27.000 You can make a sandcastle.
00:32:28.000 You can go get ice cream.
00:32:29.000 You can go swimming.
00:32:30.000 You can have a race.
00:32:31.000 You can go off the dock.
00:32:32.000 You can do a cannonball.
00:32:34.000 Go meet a kid.
00:32:35.000 They even ran into kids.
00:32:36.000 They knew him.
00:32:36.000 They're like, hey, see you later.
00:32:39.000 What the heck is going on?
00:32:41.000 You know what some parents do?
00:32:42.000 There's this thing called Unglue.
00:32:44.000 This is for your kids on phones, but they're developing it for Xbox too.
00:32:48.000 It costs a lot of money.
00:32:49.000 It's like 100 bucks a year, because it stores all this data.
00:32:52.000 But what it does is, it monitors a series of phones.
00:32:57.000 So say, it's for kids that are older, like say 10 to 14 or so.
00:33:03.000 And all these kids have their phones, and they're on them incessantly.
00:33:07.000 So, it monitors their phones, and you see how long they've been on, and you give them times they can be on the internet, and then you pull them off the internet.
00:33:19.000 And you can look at them and go, oh, you played 62 hours of that game, that game shut off, you can't access it now.
00:33:25.000 Now, it's always available as a phone.
00:33:27.000 So you can call, sometimes I'll see this mom, this mom that told me about it, she gets a call,
00:33:32.000 And it's her son saying, can I just have ten more minutes?
00:33:34.000 We're stuck in traffic here on the school bus.
00:33:36.000 She'll go, okay.
00:33:38.000 She'll open up his internet for ten more minutes, and then shut it down again.
00:33:42.000 And then when they're like, I barely ever got to d-d-d!
00:33:45.000 You go, um... No, I can see here that you played 450 hours of Fortnite.
00:33:51.000 That's, uh, a lot.
00:33:54.000 And that's what it's come down to. 0.99
00:33:56.000 Monitoring these kids, trying to get them just to fucking play. 0.99
00:34:01.000 That's the biggest job as a parent, is to get kids away from screens and outside playing like we used to. 0.99
00:34:07.000 And I think the best ingredient for that is boredom.
00:34:10.000 I think the best thing you can do for a kid now is make them bored.
00:34:14.000 They're too amused and it kills their creativity, kills their ingenuity.
00:34:19.000 My son, now granted he put all his eggs in the baseball basket, but my middle son, you wouldn't have believed the stuff he made.
00:34:27.000 He made about 10 Slimers.
00:34:29.000 The last one looked exactly like Slimer.
00:34:32.000 He made a whole Robocop costume out of cardboard.
00:34:35.000 He would just build stuff all day.
00:34:38.000 Really cool things.
00:34:39.000 Guns.
00:34:40.000 He made this hand that had... It was like a prosthetic hand.
00:34:44.000 It was with straws and thread and if you pulled the cords on the bottom the hand would make a fist like it would contract.
00:34:49.000 All made of cardboard, straws, glue and thread.
00:34:54.000 And then he would draw, he'd do comic books, like 15-page comic books that had a plot.
00:34:59.000 A lot of them were pretty, uh, hurtful to me.
00:35:01.000 There was this entire series called Fat Dad, where I was not depicted with a very good body, and there was quite a few pratfalls that this character went through, including a lot of falling off buildings.
00:35:13.000 But anyway, that was fun and creative.
00:35:15.000 He even would copy them and sell them to his friends.
00:35:19.000 Now that's all gone.
00:35:20.000 None of that.
00:35:23.000 The daughter,
00:35:26.000 Just reads books if I take away screens from her.
00:35:29.000 But, like, we moved to the suburbs because I was trying to recreate the 70s where kids just hop on their bikes and go get up to trouble.
00:35:36.000 I want the cops to come by.
00:35:38.000 I want the cops to be holding my son's arm going, is this your kid?
00:35:42.000 Why you...
00:35:44.000 I always had this fantasy of being a dad of seven boys and we're in a big house and they're all in like leather jackets and stuff and they're all with their heads bowed along one edge of a long dining room table where we all eat and I'm pacing back and forth and they're in big trouble because they stole a tractor and they drove it into a swamp and I had to pay the farmer and I'm coming up with their punishment.
00:36:06.000 It'll be harsh but I'm secretly kind of proud that they did something so bad.
00:36:10.000 They got up to such a high level of mischief.
00:36:15.000 Like I wanted to have a gang and obviously you're not gonna have a gang with a boy and a girl and a little five-year-old but where's the mischief?
00:36:27.000 Where's the trouble?
00:36:28.000 You know we would throw snowballs at cars.
00:36:32.000 We'd get in trouble all the time and we'd be in trees and yell at people and they didn't know where it was coming from and we'd steal from the local store and they'd call the cops and we'd go running.
00:36:42.000 The guy that I bought my house from told me that when he was a boy they would go to the park and they would call the cops on themselves.
00:36:51.000 And then with walkie-talkies, they would deke out the cops.
00:36:53.000 So they go, yes, hello, officer?
00:36:55.000 Uh, yeah, there's some, uh, bad kids.
00:36:58.000 Some of these wild youths running around, uh, State Park.
00:37:03.000 Uh, I'm gonna need you to go in there and clean it up.
00:37:05.000 Handle it.
00:37:06.000 They could be doing drugs.
00:37:07.000 And then they go, yeah, he's coming in.
00:37:09.000 Yeah, he's coming in.
00:37:10.000 You're just south of you now.
00:37:11.000 Yep, get down, get down. 1.00
00:37:14.000 That sounds awesome. 1.00
00:37:16.000 What a fun, stupid game. 1.00
00:37:18.000 We used to do that as kids. 1.00
00:37:19.000 We'd call, in junior high, we'd call the school as our moms, because a little boy sounds like a mom.
00:37:25.000 Hi.
00:37:26.000 Hello?
00:37:26.000 Hello?
00:37:27.000 Hi, yeah.
00:37:29.000 I'm Mrs. McInnes, and I'm really sorry, but Gavin is, he's sick, and I don't want him spreading whatever, I think it's measles.
00:37:39.000 So he's not going to be in today.
00:37:40.000 Okay, ma'am, no problem.
00:37:42.000 Now we just watch TV, eat ice cream, play with our neighbor's dad's guns, almost kill each other.
00:37:52.000 And when you finally get these kids, I'm talking about all kids in general now, all 11 year olds, when they're alone and they're in, say, the back of my car and I'm driving them to some baseball game, they're talking about Fortnite. 0.99
00:38:05.000 If you're not a parent or you're not a fucking loser who plays Fortnite, 0.92
00:38:11.000 You probably don't know this, but it is like crack in the West Village in the 80s. 1.00
00:38:16.000 It's destroying lives.
00:38:17.000 It's destroying childhoods.
00:38:19.000 Now, I'm not one of these dummies that wants things outlawed.
00:38:21.000 I know they said the same thing about video games.
00:38:23.000 I've had some dads, by the way, who say, dude, what are you doing?
00:38:26.000 Stop fighting it.
00:38:27.000 They're living in a world of screens.
00:38:29.000 Let them look at their tablets and their iPads.
00:38:31.000 No, I'm not going softly into this good night.
00:38:36.000 I'm gonna rage, rage against the dying of the night.
00:38:40.000 Uh, because they talk about Fortnite incessantly, or even the youngest one, he'll say, he'll ask about his iPad.
00:38:46.000 He'll be like, hey dad.
00:38:47.000 Oh good, my son's talking to me.
00:38:49.000 He wants to ask me about birds or something, or what's the fastest animal?
00:38:53.000 I think it's the cheetah.
00:38:55.000 Dad, if I finish my whole dinner, can I get the white iPad? 1.00
00:38:59.000 Oh, for fuck, I'll just lose it. 1.00
00:39:01.000 I'm sick and tired about this iPad! 1.00
00:39:05.000 I'm sick of these goddamn screens, and I've built that lockbox. 0.99
00:39:10.000 The lock on it has been broken twice. 1.00
00:39:13.000 Now, I don't think it's them, because it's steel.
00:39:17.000 I think it's just cheap aluminum.
00:39:18.000 But still, the fact that I have to keep working on this thing, and I know you'd say, well, if you were a good parent and you were good at discipline, they'd just tell them not to touch it, and that would be enough.
00:39:29.000 Yes, that's true of most things.
00:39:31.000 True, they know not to touch my guns.
00:39:33.000 But screens are crack cocaine and they literally can't help themselves.
00:39:39.000 I live with junkies and I have the key to the heroin.
00:39:48.000 I don't want the government to do anything.
00:39:52.000 It's also hard when other parents don't discipline their kids.
00:40:11.000 So, you do a good job, or you punish them, and they're not allowed to have a screen, and then you find out they're at their friend's house playing for 15 hours straight, and they're up till 2 in the morning.
00:40:20.000 Sometimes they'll be up to 4 in the morning, these kids, at someone else's house.
00:40:24.000 Oh well.
00:40:25.000 You know, one time, they were at their...
00:40:28.000 Grammy and Grandpa's house.
00:40:29.000 And I know Grammy and Grandpa don't have rules, and I'm fine with that.
00:40:32.000 It should be fun to be there.
00:40:34.000 Eat candy for breakfast, whatever you want.
00:40:35.000 But my, the rule is when we get back, you have to go five complete days with no screens.
00:40:40.000 Actually, that's become the normal law, right?
00:40:42.000 Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday.
00:40:44.000 Now they go four.
00:40:45.000 But back before I had these parameters, I would make them go like a week with no screens after they visited Grammy and Grandpa.
00:40:51.000 And they were better people during those five days.
00:40:55.000 More creative, more talkative, lighter. 1.00
00:40:58.000 You know, less morose, less mopey than they are with these goddamn motherfucking screens. 0.99
00:41:14.000 You know, sometimes this kind of stuff can stress you out and you might have a rough night's sleep. 1.00
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00:42:05.000 Why not just keep doing that?
00:42:06.000 Maybe they catch on after you've done it ten times.
00:42:09.000 I would just... I usually wet the bed within a hundred days.
00:42:13.000 So I would just send them the piss-drenched mattress and say, sorry, I don't like it.
00:42:17.000 Oh, no, I do like it!
00:42:18.000 And then get a new one.
00:42:20.000 It's backed by a ten-year warranty.
00:42:22.000 Don't do that.
00:42:23.000 Don't wet it.
00:42:23.000 I was kidding.
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00:42:30.000 It'll probably feel better than anything you've ever experienced because this brand new material that was developed by an actual rocket science is not like any memory foam you're used to.
00:42:41.000 And, uh, it's founded by two brothers who were developing cushion technology for 30 years.
00:42:45.000 God, it must be so competitive to start something like that.
00:42:48.000 Like that MyPillow guy who revolutionized pillows.
00:42:52.000 Imagine how hard it is to break into that business.
00:42:55.000 It must be murder.
00:42:57.000 Like, I've never understood people who sell t-shirts.
00:43:00.000 How the hell do you compete with China and Walmart with t-shirts and start your own t-shirt company?
00:43:05.000 It must be brutal.
00:43:07.000 I bet it's like fi- I bet Purple- I don't know the company's history, but, uh, I bet they went a good five years without making a red cent.
00:43:15.000 But now it's everywhere.
00:43:18.000 And it is a fantastic mattress that I officially endorse.
00:43:23.000 So I don't know what to do about the kids, guys.
00:43:27.000 And isn't it funny how hard it is to just have kids that play and are not staring at screens?
00:43:33.000 That's... If I could magically make that happen.
00:43:36.000 If I could erase screens from their world.
00:43:39.000 Yes, you can. 1.00
00:43:40.000 No, I can't, asshole. 1.00
00:43:42.000 I also have my daughters, all their friends, communicate with Snapchat and stuff. 1.00
00:43:47.000 And all these, and emails, and texting, and Instagram.
00:43:50.000 So I take that away, now I just took away her social life.
00:43:53.000 Oh, Laura had a party, we couldn't invite you. 0.91
00:43:54.000 Your dad doesn't let you communicate with us.
00:43:57.000 So you have to, so that balance gets weird where you go, all right, what do I do?
00:44:00.000 I confiscate your phone and then I let you check it every hour to see if any of your friends contact you?
00:44:06.000 I let you use it once an hour for two minutes?
00:44:11.000 I'm telling you man the greatest childhood was post-war up until feminism ruined housewife housewifing in the 80s 70s and 80s so from 1955 to 1980 was the best childhoods ever in history and maybe ever will be 0.55
00:44:32.000 And I think the epicenter of that, the peak place, would be South Brooklyn, Italian neighborhood, what's now called Red Hook.
00:44:40.000 This was before Robert Moses started building highways all over New York and destroying neighborhoods.
00:44:44.000 I mean, even the Bronx used to be a beautiful neighborhood before he turned it into Iraq by building a superhighway right through the middle of it. 0.96
00:44:52.000 It's still not recovered. 0.96
00:44:54.000 The Bronx is mental these days, man.
00:44:56.000 People are dying all over the place.
00:44:58.000 It used to be East New York. 0.89
00:45:01.000 The Bronx is a madhouse.
00:45:03.000 Anyway, um... Yeah, those days, those kids, they didn't have anything.
00:45:07.000 They played stickball, and there was a real sense of community.
00:45:11.000 So if some... some eight-year-old slapped a six-year-old girl in the face, some mom would just come out. 1.00
00:45:19.000 I think?
00:45:41.000 All the dads would be on the stoop drinking beer.
00:45:43.000 By the way, that sounds like what heaven is.
00:45:47.000 You just embarrassed your dad in front of the other dads, and he would go in there and tan your hide. 0.98
00:45:51.000 And it was so intense, the ass-whooping you got, that the cop would sometimes be apologizing to you as he walked you to the stoop, going, Sorry, buddy. 0.98
00:46:00.000 Sorry, I gotta do this. 0.98
00:46:03.000 Now, they don't even have dads.
00:46:06.000 There are no dads anymore.
00:46:07.000 Even the rich people, the dads are at work.
00:46:10.000 Till 8pm, working in finance. 0.99
00:46:11.000 They can get more money so they can buy more crap. 0.98
00:46:14.000 So now they're getting raised by an au pair and a nanny. 0.99
00:46:17.000 Rich and poor are worse off, as far as childhood goes.
00:46:19.000 I think my dad's childhood was the best. 1.00
00:46:22.000 And he didn't have fucking shoes. 0.99
00:46:26.000 My kids have so many shoes that I have to take them out in garbage bags. 1.00
00:46:32.000 They get a toy every single day.
00:46:34.000 And I love my kids, obviously.
00:46:35.000 That's why I'm so reclamped about all this.
00:46:38.000 Because I'm trying to get back to the 60s with the stickball.
00:46:41.000 Where they just go outside.
00:46:42.000 We used to just... I would shovel cereal into my face.
00:46:46.000 Because I couldn't wait to get out the front door.
00:46:48.000 And then I would be gone until I heard my mom screaming my name because I was late for dinner. 1.00
00:46:53.000 We would curse the streetlights when they came on because that meant we had to go home. 1.00
00:46:57.000 Fuck! 0.99
00:46:59.000 Now, I've had times with my kids upstate, granted it was in the middle of nowhere, we're in the country, where I'd have to lock the door. 1.00
00:47:06.000 And I'd assume they'd go build an igloo or something, a big cave in the snow, and then I'd come back later and they were still on the porch just sitting there. 0.99
00:47:14.000 Fuck. 0.99
00:47:16.000 Now, when their friends are over, that's great, but this is, I'm not, it's not like, um, I'm getting a lot of help here. 1.00
00:47:23.000 Oh my god, if this is someone asking me about video games or a screen, I'm going to pop a gasket.
00:47:29.000 Yes?
00:47:30.000 Who's there?
00:47:33.000 Who's there?
00:47:35.000 If it's about video games, the answer's no!
00:47:37.000 I think I hear crying. 1.00
00:47:42.000 Can you believe that shit? 1.00
00:47:48.000 Yes, I do. 1.00
00:47:50.000 I hear crying.
00:47:52.000 Oh my god, it's making me go bald.
00:47:55.000 This war we're having.
00:47:56.000 Oh, and that's what I meant to say about the kids.
00:47:59.000 In my kid's defense, there's no more kids.
00:48:01.000 All these parents, they send them away to camp.
00:48:04.000 The day after summer break.
00:48:07.000 Like, the last day of school is Friday.
00:48:10.000 Saturday morning, you're off on the bus.
00:48:12.000 Some of these kids are gone for two months.
00:48:16.000 Or they go to a country club.
00:48:18.000 I live in a nice neighborhood.
00:48:19.000 They go to the country club, so I gotta become a member of that. 1.00
00:48:21.000 So now I'm paying 40 to 60 grand to join these stupid clubs. 1.00
00:48:27.000 Uh, just so my kids can have someone to play with. 1.00
00:48:29.000 And again, I don't like that shit. 1.00
00:48:32.000 I don't like monitored play. 1.00
00:48:34.000 How are they going to steal a tractor and drive it into a swamp?
00:48:36.000 How are they going to get up to mischief when there's a lifeguard there monitoring you in the pool and then you're allowed in this area and you can go to the grass where your mom can see you and if someone gets punched then we come over and there's a big hullabaloo.
00:48:56.000 Oh my god, he's still crying.
00:48:58.000 That's Johnny crying.
00:49:00.000 Because of that, what I said about the video games.
00:49:03.000 Why aren't you outside?
00:49:04.000 We've got all kinds of toys and we make, get into some, throw water balloons at people and then run away giggling.
00:49:12.000 He's crying like someone's trying to kill him down there.
00:49:17.000 It's the middle of the day!
00:49:19.000 Anyway, go to CRTV.com, check out Get Off My Lawn, that's on a lot.
00:49:26.000 CRTV Tonight is always fun too.
00:49:28.000 And there's After Hours, we've got Dinesh D'Souza on there.
00:49:32.000 And there's this podcast.
00:49:33.000 I wanted this particular episode to be super funny, as I joked about how cute my son is and how much I love my kids, which I do.
00:49:41.000 Then I got myself off on this tangent about screens and how frustrating it is to be a parent, and live on the show, you heard me get asked for video games, and then you heard- well, you didn't hear, but I'm telling you there's tears when they got told no.
00:49:58.000 Help me fix this problem, please.
00:50:01.000 I'm- I can't take it anymore.