Nothing's free, kiddies. Nothing's free. You have to pay the piper. It's not just energy and productivity you can borrow from tomorrow, you can also joy. And if you do a lot of coke the next day, you're gonna be depressed. You can't be the life of the party if you don't have a good night's rest the night before, and you can't do anything the day after if you're not getting enough REM sleep. That's when your organs start getting threadbare. And that's when those underwear you have for 12 years looks like it's made of lace. This is if you wear tighty-whities in your pants. I don't know what that means, but it's probably not a good thing. You don't want to be a guy with a nubby dick, you want it to be big, right? But women don't really care about that. They don't care about a guy's dick. They care about his balls. And they don't even care that he has a big dick. And he doesn't even have a nice one. And his dick is 7.2 inches. And it doesn't get bigger than that. And women don t even care about it. They're not turning on by it, they just want him to be fat. And a guy who can be bald. And doesn't want his balls to be ugly. And can he be fat? And he can be ugly? And a woman who wants to be beautiful? And can be beautiful, but doesn't care? And has a nice dick? And wants to have a great dick? And he's not even a little bit of dick? How big is too big for that? And his balls are too big to be sexy, but he wants them to be nice? And they're not even that big? And they like it? What does he want them to like it, you know what I mean by a woman with a dick that's bigger than a 7-inch dick? He doesn't have one that's not much? ? I'll tell you what, he does not give a shit about it, he's got a nice, big dick, and he's just not enough dick. . . . and he doesn t care about them. . You can have a dick like that, he just wants them in bed with a nice little dick. He doesn t need them.
Transcript
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00:00:00.000I think you have X amount of chi in your day.
00:00:55.000They'll get shit-faced, and then they'll feel their hangover, and they'll go, I'm not doing this hangover, and they'll get drunk again, and they never pay the piper.
00:01:03.000You're gonna get cirrhosis, he says as he opens a beer.
00:01:10.000But, um, I remember seeing William Shatner on a talk show years ago, and he said, the thing about drugs is you're just borrowing from tomorrow, and he's pretty much correct.
00:01:19.000If you do tons of coke and you're the life of the party, you're gonna be depressed the next day.
00:01:24.000It's not just energy and productivity you can borrow from tomorrow, but you can also borrow joy.
00:01:30.000So if you do a big night of cocaine, on Sunday you're depressed.
00:01:35.000That was the reason that band the Happy Mondays were called the Happy Mondays, because they were depressed on Monday after doing MDMA all weekend.
00:01:46.000I think Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is on Adderall.
00:01:50.000When you look at her eyes and she looks like she's Gollum from Lord of the Rings.
00:03:19.000And it had different colours for the whitey tighty part, and the pattern on it, and red band, and it was like boxer shorts, but boxer briefs and all that stuff, like you wanna be sexy.
00:05:54.000The Proud Boys and The Origin, like even the name, like Steve Owen, the other guy, Chris Pontius started Wild Boys after the show.
00:06:02.000That's where they do all their gay stuff, where they dance around in little G-strings.
00:06:08.000Skaters are very machismo because you have to be tough to be able to do kickflip, all the kickflips all day and smash your ankles and go down a railing and get a concussion.
00:06:17.000So you end up with fairly tough dudes and not a lot of women around.
00:06:21.000And when you have tough dudes and a lot of women around, the joke tends to be the gay joke.
00:06:25.000That tends to be, there's like two jokes that are going to beat the shit out of you and I'm going to fuck you.
00:06:29.000That's kind of what we revolve around.
00:06:31.000Now recently we've had that taken away, both of those taken away from us.
00:06:34.000And comedians are left with raping children jokes.
00:06:36.000But even my dad would tell me when they'd go on these hunting outings or a golf outing, they would always come down and they would pretend they had trouble walking because they were fucked in the ass so hard all night.
00:06:47.000And my dad would come down and go, I don't think I can sit down.
00:06:51.000I may have to stand for this breakfast.
00:07:56.000So you have to, you know, get on my back and be the monster.
00:07:59.000That's tiring when you're stupid like me and you had kids way too late in life.
00:08:03.000So normally I just want to stare at the ceiling and lie nude on the floor, but you got to get up there and, okay, I'm a monster.
00:08:13.000And Adderall helped with that so much that me and my fellow dads used to call it Dadderall.
00:08:18.000And I told someone from the Times back when I had much more trust in the media about it, and they kept wanting to do a feature on it, but none of the other dads wanted to, uh, to talk to anyone about it.
00:08:33.000I got most, Johnny Knoxville taught me how to get it too.
00:08:36.000He used to send them to me and he would do like 80 milligrams a day.
00:08:40.000I think he was enamored with Johnny Cash, probably still is, and I think he loved the idea of speed.
00:08:48.000In fact, that just made me think of something trippy.
00:08:53.000Johnny Knoxville was in a movie called Grand Theft Parsons, and it was based on Graham Parsons, who was a great country singer, but Graham Parsons also brought in psychedelia and noodling guitars and weird, almost Grateful Dead kind of rock and Lynyrd Skynyrd stuff, electric boogie kind of stuff, into country.
00:09:34.000I think Nudie Cohen, that wasn't his real name, I think he was a Ukrainian Jew who came over, you know, World War II time, his family, and he was just a very gifted embroiderer.
00:09:44.000So it started out just tons of really cool patterns, and country singers would like that on stage.
00:09:50.000I'm standing up on stage and my cowboy hat has a bunch of rhinestones on it, and there's a bunch of little patterns and flowers and stuff all down my legs.
00:09:57.000But then he would start taking requests, so Graham Parsons wanted pot leaves and pills on his Nudie suit.
00:10:04.000It's a very deceiving misnomer there, nudie.
00:11:25.000Puts his body in the back of his fancy hearse and drives him to the Joshua Tree and has his own little ceremony with his stolen Parsons and buries him there.
00:11:35.000So it's an amazing true story and Johnny Knoxville loves all that stuff.
00:12:14.000Take a golf ball and with a sharpie draw a tiny circle on the top.
00:12:18.000That was Johnny Knoxville's eyes So bad, dude Had to tell him that after I saw but anyway He got me into it and he said this is what you do you say I'm having trouble focusing at work
00:12:36.000It's affecting not just my job, but my marriage.
00:15:00.000We'll be up all night and eventually, you know, they'd break or they'd get it from someone else and they would be up all night and then they'd have AIDS the next day.
00:15:42.000And there's a black tranny standing up.
00:15:45.000And he's sitting on his waiting room couch for some reason, and he's holding her hand, and he's like, I don't understand you.
00:15:56.000There's a black accent here in New York, in Harlem and in East New York, that's so thick, you can't understand them.
00:16:03.000I remember Baystick Man, he was saying when he was in prison.
00:16:06.000And then, you know, they transferred me to this one prison where I was one of the only white guys there, and these dudes were so black, you couldn't understand them.
00:16:55.000So you're doing Adderall, drinking beer, and maybe some whiskey, and you're watching guys get killed by bulls, and you end up getting really, really wasted.
00:17:03.000Three hours later, I'm high as a kite, and I don't appear wasted because of the Adderall.
00:18:23.000But Jeff Tremaine does a perfect Steve-O.
00:18:27.000So, Steve-O goes up to the bar, and he's with, you know how, like, drug addicts, when they get clean, it's, they always have the clingiest girlfriend in the world, and they spend 24 hours holding hands?
00:18:38.000So, it was one of those relationships at the time, and he goes up to get a drink from the bar, and she has to go with him, of course.
00:18:45.000And, uh, he, Dummy leaves his phone there.
00:22:12.000We just thought it would just be a magazine forever, but when we had this eccentric billionaire invest, he said, no, you have to be a lifestyle brand.
00:22:42.000So, I pitched a show with David Cross for a while.
00:22:46.000We did the pilot, didn't get picked up.
00:22:48.000And then, Knoxville says, let's do this.
00:22:52.000There's a common myth going around that it was Spike Lee's idea to, wait, Spike Jones' idea, who said, hey man, you guys are doing these articles, you should bring a camera.
00:23:03.000No, we had the TV idea for a long time.
00:23:05.000In fact, I remember before I even met Knoxville, I went to MTV, probably in 2000, and we had cobbled together a shitty
00:23:12.000Sort of version of what Vice TV is now and I got some low-level employee, you know MTV if you're not in any
00:23:23.000station's LA branch, then you're just wasting your time.
00:23:26.000You pitch to HBO New York, and the best they can do is recommend you when you go down to LA, so it's a total waste of time.
00:23:31.000Anyway, I was with some loser at MTV, and he goes, yeah, that's okay, but check this out.
00:25:07.000I draw the head, then I fold it so you can't see it, then you draw the body, then you fold it so you can't see it, and then you draw the legs.
00:25:14.000I actually got along with her so well that I would mail her exquisite corpses later where I'd draw the head and say, your turn, like we'd be pen pals.
00:25:21.000That's kind of a weird, that sounds weird to you now, but that was kind of a weird punk thing, where you'd be friends with kids.
00:26:04.000Fred Armisen wrote a letter to John Waters when he was 10 saying, I just got in shit for saying that I'd blow up the school if the world was gonna end.
00:30:57.000So I think a lot, especially young actors, I'm not talking about Steve-O anymore, young actors, they can't handle it.
00:31:03.000And so Steve-O got addicted to drugs in a really bad way.
00:31:07.000And he, I'm trying to find it here, oh yeah.
00:31:09.000So he had this thing and it was called, um, it was called Steve-O's Rad Email List.
00:31:17.000And this was going on in around 07, 06, 2006.
00:31:23.000And he would get high on Maths, or I think PCP was big.
00:31:28.000In one of the, there's a Steve-O DVD where there's an extra DVD in it, it's called PCP Saved My Life, and it's about the insane rants that he would go on on PCP, where he would just talk his ass off.
00:31:41.000In fact, that night that he had those fake girlfriends, I mean those ex-girlfriends come and see him, I really wanted to talk about PC Saved My Life.
00:32:58.000Unfortunately, every one of you shit-brained lemmings seem to think that these skills seem to lack these skills and I can't fucking take it anymore.
00:33:07.000Since everyone in this world is fucking retarded and a drone who revels in their ignorance and unintelligence, I must put an end to my misery.
00:34:19.000Actually, I think Steve was a rich kid, too.
00:34:21.000You can tell by his spelling and grammar.
00:34:23.000My only wish is that the bullet I put into my brain doesn't kill me, but only leaves me brain-dead.
00:34:29.000For if ignorance is bliss, and every one of you fuck for brains, and that's spelled correctly, he has fuck-for-brains.
00:34:37.000So we're seeing a well-educated kid here.
00:34:40.000Um, and every one of you fuck-for-brains is truly happy, then living a life without a brainstem in a coma- Let me- Sorry, let me do that again.
00:34:47.000I- I interrupted myself to- to- to, uh, give him accolades for his grammar, but I'm ruining the sentence.
00:34:53.000For, if ignorance is bliss, and every one of you fuck-for-brains is truly happy, then living a life without a brainstem in a coma, devoid of any cognitive ability, must surely be utopia!
00:36:19.000I used to put them up on my old site, Street Carnage, and he... I don't know, he contacted me once and goes, Dude, why are you putting up those people's private email addresses?
00:36:43.000Speaking of bi, have you tried a purple mattress?
00:36:48.000The purple mattress would probably feel different than anything you've ever experienced because it uses this brand new material that was developed by an actual rocket scientist.
00:36:58.000It was not like the memory foam I'm used to.
00:37:00.000The purple material feels very unique because it's both firm and soft at the same time.
00:37:06.000Kind of like a crybaby military sergeant.
00:37:10.000So it keeps everything supported while still feeling really comfortable.
00:37:13.000Plus it's breathable, so it sleeps cool.
00:37:15.000Here's the important points we have to get across in this read.
00:37:17.000100 night risk-free trial they're providing.
00:37:20.000If you're not fully satisfied, you can return your mattress for a full refund.
00:37:24.000It's backed by a 10 year warranty with free shipping and returns.
00:37:28.000They also have free in-home setup and old mattress removal.
00:37:33.000And when you think about it, folks, that's not something that you should save money on.
00:38:24.000You divide that up on the per days in the summer you use it, and it's worth its weight in gold.
00:38:31.000In fact, every time I'm in an air-conditioned room like right now, for example, I can't help but think of all the years as a young man I just assumed that air conditioning was something I can't afford and would lie there all July and August with like a wet face cloth on my head trying to cool down.
00:39:57.000He who casts the first stone should not be living in a glass house, and the doors shouldn't be closed while he throws those stones out the side of the glass house, because it'll shatter, and if it's winter, he'll get cold.
00:40:13.000And if it's summer and he has AC, well then the heat's gonna come in and fill the glass house.
00:40:17.000And by the way, what are you doing in a glass house in the summer?
00:40:56.000Knoxville and those guys, they noticed that Luke has this sort of sad demeanor, so they started this prank, and they called it The Saddest Wilson, meaning he's so much sadder than Luke, and they had toilet paper with a caricature of Luke Wilson, and it just says The Saddest Wilson.
00:41:19.000That's the thing fun people do, by the way.
00:41:21.000Like, to go back to Derek Beckles, in high school, they just chose a random Asian dude, like Jim Fong, and they said, he's now a star to us.
00:41:31.000So we're gonna follow him in the hallways, we're going to try to get his autograph, we're gonna call his parents, we're going to make posters of him, and they just made this guy into a celebrity and would scream when they saw him.
00:42:46.000And then the next girl would come in, and he'd fill in another slot, until he just had this revolving door of ladies that would love to have some time with the old PJ man, the king of pajamas.
00:43:00.000Now, I know we all see the sanctity of marriage as incredibly important, obviously, but I'd like to see you tell a lineup of women that no, they may not perform fellatio upon you.
00:43:13.000And no, you may not fill up your address book with seven different girls every single day.
00:43:22.000But yeah, I don't want to disparage the guy.
00:43:39.000Yeah, those guys, you know what's so great, I'm just winding it up now, but you know what's so great about those guys is they always kept it fun.
00:43:46.000Like, they never got serious, they never got into who's gonna, if someone's gonna stab someone else in the back, or who's getting how much of this cut and that cut, it never got ugly with them.
00:43:55.000Even when we'd go to meetings and we'd be at MTV or HBO or something, all of those dudes would have their, Jeff Tremaine and Johnny Knoxville would have their hands over their balls.
00:44:04.000Holding them, cupping their balls, because you're never safe from a kick in the nuts with those guys.
00:44:50.000Even that movie with Benicio, what's his name, Roberto Benigni, where he doesn't take the Holocaust seriously because he doesn't want his daughter to know that they're gonna die.
00:45:00.000Obviously that's a very extreme example, but I think my only regret when I look back at my life is the times I took everything too seriously.
00:45:08.000As the English Beat said, it's only a game.