Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - August 15, 2018


Get Off My Lawn Podcast #75 | Can You Guys Stop Ruining Art, Please?

Topics
CD scam celebrities in children's movies cartoons
Hosted by
Gavin McInnes
Mentioned
Jim Miller Justin Theroux Gibby Haynes Don Cheadle Tom Hanks Crass Robert De Niro Anthony Civarelli Hillary Clinton Billy Crystal Dennis Miller Gil McGowan Glenn Danzig Richard Gere Jesus Christ Adam Sandler Will Ferrell Ty Richards Rod Stewart Andy Rooney and 52 more
Ep 169 | My Last 20 Tweets Before Being Banned Forever | Get Off My Lawn Ep 172 | Diss is Nuts | Get Off My Lawn

Episode Stats


Length

44 minutes

Words per minute

178.18

Word count

7,926

Sentence count

754

Harmful content

Misogyny

40

sentences flagged

Toxicity

217

sentences flagged

Hate speech

24

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

The Butthole Surfers are a punk band from the late 80s and early 90s. They played songs like "22 Going On 23" and "I'm Dressing solemn" and some other things that I don't remember. I also talk about the new Trump administration and how they are ruining art, and how the Buttholes should be banned from playing music in public places. Also, I talk about a woman who calls into a self-help show and says she's 22, going on 23, and it's a sad occasion. I feel like it's sort of morbid. I'm sorry if it's not morbid, but it's kind of morbid, and that's what makes it morbid, right? I hope you enjoy this episode, and if you do, make sure to call me a misogynist. I hate the word "misericist" and I also hate the term "terrorist" because that's a noun and an adjective. You're making terrorist threats, and I hate those terms. God's next word is "communistic threats." I hate them too, so make sure you make terrorist threats too. I love you, God loves you, Jesus. Love ya, bye. xoxo -Jon Soraya Jon Tim Ben Jake Josh Evan Chris Ryan Mike Matt Daniel Chad Andrew David Jack Michael Kevin Paul Will John Matthew Dave Justin Brian James Alex Brandon Jared Chacho Jordan Zach Dan Christian Julian Jacob Sam Joe Austin Nick Emily Ian Dylan Brad Tyler Shane Bobby Can Chett Tom Alyssa Isabel Shav And much more! Cody Weezer Thank you for listening to this episode of this episode? Thank You For Listening to this Podcast? Can't wait to hear your thoughts on the music from you like it? You're a good one? We'll see you in the next episode next week? Thanks for listening? -Josie

Transcript

Transcripts from "Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes" are sourced from the Knowledge Fight Interactive Search Tool. Explore them interactively here.
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Toxicity classifications generated with s-nlp/roberta_toxicity_classifier .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
Topics generated with Qwen2.5-3B-Instruct.
Hosts, guests, and mentioned names generated with spaCy (en_core_web_sm), reconciled against Wikidata.
00:00:03.000 Can you guys stop ruining art, please?
00:00:08.000 You know, when I was a boy, I would listen to the Butthole Surfers, and I had no idea where they stood on the political spectrum.
00:00:16.000 I didn't know where Gibby Haynes, his stance on health care plans, or how he felt about this new tax bill.
00:00:25.000 The Butthole Surfers would play shows with a homeless stripper on stage, with her breasts basically at her waist. 1.00
00:00:36.000 And in the background behind them they would play circumcision videos.
00:00:41.000 We stole that idea actually from my band, Anal Chinook.
00:00:45.000 And what we'd do is we'd go to the library and rent a projector, which is nothing, and we'd get, it doesn't matter what the movie is, it's just cool that there's a movie playing behind your band.
00:00:56.000 So I think we had Stompin' Tom Connors or something, a documentary about him, you know, all this Canadian funded art.
00:01:04.000 At the library and then we just broadcast that behind us.
00:01:06.000 It looks really cool on stage when there's a video being projected on the band.
00:01:11.000 And I stole that from the Butthole Surfers and their circumcision videos. 1.00
00:01:15.000 But I was just talking to Ty Richards in Austin.
00:01:18.000 He's persona non grata now because I tweeted one of his songs.
00:01:23.000 No, I'm not exaggerating.
00:01:25.000 I never, he never said whether he likes me or doesn't like me.
00:01:28.000 He just did a song called Western Chauvinist and I tweeted it out.
00:01:32.000 Tons of people said he's making fun of you dude.
00:01:35.000 To which I responded with a sad gif.
00:01:39.000 And now he's being banned.
00:01:41.000 Like there's a hashtag, banned in Austin.
00:01:43.000 And they're pushing to have him basically extradited.
00:01:46.000 And this happened to the band Dream Machine.
00:01:49.000 Another Austin band where one of the women in the band is an immigrant from Denmark or something.
00:01:54.000 And she said, I'm glad they're deporting illegals. 1.00
00:01:57.000 Especially this MS-13 dudes.
00:01:59.000 And they banned that band.
00:02:02.000 They banned the band.
00:02:05.000 That'd be cool if the band, you know the band, the band?
00:02:08.000 That'd be cool if they were banned.
00:02:09.000 And then you could say, they banned the band, the band?
00:02:14.000 And she literally had to go back where she came from.
00:02:17.000 But anyway, listen to this jam by the Butthole Surfers.
00:02:20.000 It's called 22 Going On 23.
00:02:23.000 And it made me kind of melancholy.
00:02:26.000 You know, for, I don't know, art, when I was a young man.
00:02:33.000 Well, we're glad you could try.
00:02:36.000 How old are you?
00:03:01.000 Don't you just want to sort of flop around in front of the band on the dance floor?
00:03:06.000 Just sort of like have your head bowed forward and your arms flopping by your side?
00:03:15.000 So she's calling into some self-help show or something and she says she's 22 going on 23.
00:03:22.000 That's the name of the song.
00:03:24.000 It's from Locust Abortion Technician.
00:03:27.000 Jeez, what the hell is this?
00:03:32.000 Hello?
00:03:32.000 Hello?
00:03:40.000 What is this?
00:03:56.000 That was like 15 people on some weird thing I've never seen before, like Facebook message audio.
00:04:04.000 And the only thing funnier than that is the phrase, on accident.
00:04:15.000 When did we stop speaking English?
00:04:17.000 Have you noticed that recently?
00:04:19.000 Like Ryan, Ketsu Rivera, comes over to the house and he's got a dress shirt on.
00:04:24.000 I go, what the hell?
00:04:24.000 Why are you dressed like that?
00:04:25.000 And he goes, oh, it was for the solemnness as to the situation.
00:04:29.000 This is after I was banned from Twitter forever.
00:04:32.000 As to the situation, you sound like a rapper trying to sound like a law professor.
00:04:39.000 Why are you trying to talk like that?
00:04:40.000 Are you going to say, if you will, next?
00:04:44.000 You're gonna throw some hooms in the mix? 1.00
00:04:46.000 Just say, I'm dressing solemn.
00:04:48.000 I feel like it's a sad occasion.
00:04:50.000 I'm trying to be sort of stoic.
00:04:52.000 Maybe even morbid.
00:04:56.000 On accident.
00:04:58.000 Do you wait online too?
00:04:59.000 Are you on Long Island?
00:05:03.000 It's by accident, alright?
00:05:06.000 Person who butt-dialed me on Facebook with 15 other people?
00:05:11.000 It's also not misogynistic.
00:05:14.000 It's misogynist.
00:05:15.000 Misogynist is an adjective and a noun.
00:05:19.000 So if you're going to insult me, make sure you call me a misogynist.
00:05:23.000 I hate the word misogynistic. 0.67
00:05:25.000 I also hate terroristic threats. 0.74
00:05:29.000 Terrorist is a noun and an adjective too.
00:05:31.000 You are making terrorist threats.
00:05:34.000 What's next?
00:05:34.000 Communistic?
00:05:36.000 God, I hate those terms.
00:05:40.000 Anyway, yeah, the Butthole Surfers.
00:05:43.000 You know, I used to, I had a job once in Montreal, and my job was picking up records from the border for cargo records.
00:05:50.000 So it was much cheaper to ship to America from America.
00:05:55.000 Right, so they would ship to the place, Montreal's only an hour from the border, so they'd ship to the closest they could get to the border, a big warehouse, and then I would drive a truck down, a big van actually, and fill it up with CDs, and then cross the border, and they'd save like thousands of dollars, and then they'd ship the CDs throughout Canada, to various record stores.
00:06:17.000 That reminded me of a funny story there.
00:06:20.000 I'm going to tell it.
00:06:21.000 So anyway, before I get to the funny story, we'd get to the border and it was now my job to defend all these because I'm the one transporting them.
00:06:31.000 Which seems kind of weird.
00:06:32.000 Do truckers have to do that? 1.00
00:06:34.000 So I'd be there and they'd open up a box of CDs and it would be a band called Anal Cunt.
00:06:40.000 And I would have to explain what this band is about.
00:06:43.000 And then I remember they opened up one of the boxes and it was the Butthole Surfers. 0.65
00:06:46.000 And they said, what does this mean?
00:06:51.000 And I go, I don't know.
00:06:53.000 I'm just the guy carrying the box.
00:06:55.000 I don't know. 0.96
00:07:15.000 I don't think anyone would talk about someone surfing on a butthole.
00:07:19.000 There's no water there. 0.98
00:07:22.000 Even if you were a quarter of an inch tall and you had a tiny piece of rice as a surfboard and someone put you on an anus, you can't really do much there. 0.99
00:07:31.000 You could maybe do an ollie kickflip on the anal lips. 1.00
00:07:33.000 You're going to get sort of caught in one of the grooves, but you can't really party all around an anus. 1.00
00:07:39.000 Gaze, no offense.
00:07:41.000 So it must mean the sort of 0.95
00:07:44.000 Jerk. 1.00
00:07:45.000 Idiot. 1.00
00:07:45.000 Surfers. 1.00
00:07:46.000 Like the butthole surfers. 0.93
00:07:48.000 And he said, okay. 0.92
00:07:49.000 He put it back in.
00:07:51.000 I came to know Gibby Haynes, uh, in my old age.
00:07:54.000 That's kind of one cool thing about, about sticking around for a long time, like say pop culture and music is eventually you get to meet your idols.
00:08:02.000 Like every book that I like, I've met the guy.
00:08:04.000 I met Pat Buchanan and I really liked Coloring the News.
00:08:07.000 I got to meet Bill McGowan.
00:08:09.000 Um, and then with bands, I've basically met them all.
00:08:12.000 I go to Crass's.
00:08:13.000 Crass were my favorite band when I was a teenager.
00:08:14.000 I go to their house in the summer, uh, every year.
00:08:17.000 Although they canceled the party this year and maybe that's because of me.
00:08:20.000 They X'd me. 1.00
00:08:21.000 Penny Rimbow did say, you're much nicer in person than you are on TV.
00:08:25.000 That could be the end for Crass.
00:08:27.000 But anyway, Gibby, he, uh, he wanted to get into comedy, so we got along.
00:08:32.000 And he did one of the meanest, funniest things ever.
00:08:37.000 Do you know that later on, I don't really like late butthole surfers, but they did have some good jams and one of them was this one where it sounds almost like ministry and it starts out with, I'm flying!
00:08:48.000 I'm flying!
00:08:50.000 And then it's like... Like sort of a fuzzy guitar... kind of a guitar.
00:08:52.000 Like... Death From Above got really into that.
00:08:53.000 That... kind of music.
00:09:09.000 And so I was at a party that Gibby was at and there was a helium balloon there so I broke it open and I inhaled tons and tons of helium and then I said, I tapped him on the shoulder and I go, I'm flying, I'm flying!
00:09:28.000 And he was chugging a Guinness and he goes, and he finishes it and he goes, I'm drinking your beer!
00:09:38.000 And it was my beer.
00:09:40.000 As I was doing my joke, he polished off my beer.
00:09:45.000 I heard they would do that on tour.
00:09:47.000 That was their thing.
00:09:48.000 They would go into the other band's catering and eat all their food while the other band was on stage.
00:09:56.000 See, that's a cool artist.
00:09:58.000 That's a person you don't know about.
00:10:02.000 You don't want to know about those things.
00:10:04.000 But wait a minute, I promised you the cargo records bit.
00:10:06.000 So, we would also ship out the CDs.
00:10:11.000 Actually, that's why Vice went national.
00:10:13.000 There was this Japanese guy there, like Kuri Sakamoto, and Kevin Kasamoto, I think his name was.
00:10:19.000 Anyway, he said to Shane and I, he goes, I'm going to make you guys a national magazine, not just Montreal, across the country.
00:10:26.000 Dude, that's awesome.
00:10:27.000 How? 0.99
00:10:27.000 I'm going to put your magazines in, when I ship out CDs to various stores, I'm going to put your fucking magazine in there. 0.99
00:10:36.000 Thanks dude! 0.98
00:10:37.000 So then we got all these advertisers.
00:10:39.000 Calgary, and Vancouver, and Winnipeg, and Newfoundland, Halifax.
00:10:44.000 Everyone's in there!
00:10:45.000 And now we don't have to just go to the local Montreal retailers.
00:10:49.000 We're a national magazine now.
00:10:51.000 Six.
00:10:51.000 This is like 1997.
00:10:55.000 And then, maybe like five days before, he goes, yeah guys, can't do it.
00:11:00.000 Pardonnez-moi?
00:11:02.000 Sorry, it actually adds to the weight of the box, and then it makes it really expensive.
00:11:08.000 Yeah, Kev, I kind of assumed that you knew that, and you were saying you would take the hit.
00:11:15.000 I thought it was kind of weird that you offered, but...
00:11:19.000 I assumed you had done your research, because everyone knows intuitively that to add a bunch of magazines to a box makes it heavier.
00:11:27.000 It's called gravity, dude.
00:11:29.000 Look it up!
00:11:32.000 So we had to scramble.
00:11:36.000 We stayed up all night for two days just calling and calling and calling and eventually found, like say Calgary for example, found a record store and said look guys we'll give you a free ad if you distribute these magazines and we'll ship them to you via a Greyhound bus.
00:11:51.000 Then we'd go to the Barrie bus terminal
00:11:54.000 In Montreal, and load up an entire Greyhound bus.
00:11:57.000 Basically, 50- Because these Greyhound buses, they don't need all that cargo room.
00:12:02.000 So half of it is a suitcase, and then the other half is open.
00:12:04.000 So we would fill them up.
00:12:06.000 And we would ship them to these various towns. 0.99
00:12:07.000 All because of fucking cargo records lying. 0.98
00:12:10.000 But anyway, that's, so that's 90s, but in the, in the, in the like, very early 90s, like 1990. 0.99
00:12:15.000 Maybe even 89.
00:12:19.000 I work there and I was the driver guy, but we also ship stuff out and we came up with this great scam where you're sending a box somewhere, right?
00:12:29.000 Like say, Ottawa, Toronto.
00:12:32.000 So you have to send them 10 CDs.
00:12:34.000 You put it in a big box and you put their order, their 10 CDs, then you just go shopping.
00:12:41.000 And you just go get yourself the Butthole Surfers and Crass and have every album you want.
00:12:47.000 Grab a Stones box set while you're at it.
00:12:47.000 Go get it.
00:12:49.000 What do you like?
00:12:50.000 You want some rap?
00:12:51.000 You like Paris?
00:12:52.000 You like EPMD?
00:12:53.000 You like Boogie Down Productions?
00:12:55.000 Throw it in the mix, buddy! 0.58
00:12:57.000 And so we would fill up this box with CDs we wanted.
00:13:02.000 And then I would drive it to the bus terminal.
00:13:05.000 Now you gotta be careful to not put the label on the seam.
00:13:07.000 So you put the label off the seam.
00:13:10.000 Then in the truck, I would open it up, take out my CDs, and replace the space with crumpled up newspaper, and then reseal it.
00:13:20.000 Now, the only flaw is the record store gets their 10 CDs in a giant box, but that happens all the time.
00:13:26.000 You go over to stuff from Amazon and it's a huge box with a little thing in it.
00:13:29.000 No one really cares.
00:13:32.000 Anyway, time went by, but eventually we all got fired, probably because they weren't making any money, because we got so greedy with it, that not only would we buy stuff for ourselves, steal stuff for ourselves, and I had a massive CD collection after that scam, because I did it a hundred times.
00:13:49.000 I'm not proud of this, by the way.
00:13:50.000 This is immoral, what we did.
00:13:52.000 Um, but uh, they probably started losing money because we would, eventually we would just pack the thing with stuff and then go sell it at a used CD store.
00:14:01.000 They were getting brand new releases and paying $4 for them.
00:14:07.000 So we all got fired and I thought it was weird because the owner of the cargo records was Shake Records and that was the guy that I used to take the bus to go see to buy records from when I was a little kid when it was $14.99 for punk imports and you'd sit on the bus for an hour, buy a record you couldn't listen to at first and take it home and then you wouldn't find out it sucked until, you know, you put it on the turntable back at home and you had to wait another week to have enough money to go back to the store.
00:14:32.000 Anyway, here's this guy that I used to religiously go give all my gas station earnings to, and there he was firing me.
00:14:40.000 And I go, well, this is weird, isn't it, Dan?
00:14:42.000 Come full circle. 1.00
00:14:45.000 And I go, you're a piece of shit. 1.00
00:14:46.000 I don't know why I said that. 1.00
00:14:47.000 He was just firing me.
00:14:48.000 And he never caught me stealing, but you'd think a thief would be a little less arrogant about being fired.
00:14:55.000 You'd think he'd... I got off easy.
00:14:57.000 I could've been prosecuted. 1.00
00:14:58.000 Shit, I was stealing hundreds and hundreds of dollars. 1.00
00:15:01.000 I could've done time. 1.00
00:15:03.000 I'm only realizing this right now.
00:15:05.000 I think it would have been fair if society put me in a jail for a month.
00:15:12.000 I think that would be fair and then maybe like have to pay the place back over, you know, the course of a year through some sort of payment plan.
00:15:19.000 I don't, if I was a judge, I would have sentenced me to a month and $10,000.
00:15:24.000 That would have been fair.
00:15:25.000 Anyway, I'm being a snotty punk brat after I get fired and saying, I used to give you all my money, man. 0.60
00:15:31.000 No, you... He sold me records for a slight markup that paid his rent.
00:15:38.000 But, um...
00:15:39.000 I heard my buddy Steve after he got fired too. 0.74
00:15:42.000 It was actually kind of a shitty thing.
00:15:43.000 It was kind of a bad thing about capitalism actually.
00:15:46.000 I'm embarrassed to admit.
00:15:47.000 But what they would do is they keep giving people raises and there was this guy Sylvain who was a bassist for a band called Bliss and he worked there forever.
00:15:55.000 And his salary was about four times minimum wage.
00:15:57.000 He'd earned it.
00:15:58.000 And so they would just fire everyone and then start from scratch and everyone was minimum wage again.
00:16:02.000 And the minimum wage in 1990 in Montreal was like five dollars.
00:16:06.000 But I heard my buddy Steve, when he was fired, he started to cry in the office and said, this is all I have. 0.94
00:16:12.000 And you got to understand, this is Montreal, where if you're an English speaker, you're screwed. 0.91
00:16:16.000 It's like apartheid there. 0.97
00:16:18.000 I'm not exaggerating.
00:16:19.000 You're a second class citizen if you're English. 1.00
00:16:21.000 If you speak French, even with an accent, you're not considered bilingual.
00:16:23.000 You can't get a job.
00:16:25.000 So there's a few areas where you might be able to work, and this record label that did distribution for all of Canada, you could be English there.
00:16:33.000 So getting fired was actually kind of a big deal.
00:16:35.000 The only other job around was bike messenger, which you can imagine in Montreal. 0.99
00:16:42.000 It fucking blows. 0.99
00:16:43.000 Like it literally blows. 1.00
00:16:44.000 The wind blows.
00:16:46.000 You get up in the dark at five in the morning and you start pedaling.
00:16:51.000 You're on the road at six, whatever, and you start pedaling around the corner in the darkness and that Montreal wind.
00:16:56.000 I mean, Montreal means Montreal, means Mount Royal.
00:16:59.000 So you're on a mountain.
00:17:01.000 You're on top of a mountain, on a mountain bike.
00:17:04.000 That was the worst job I ever did. 0.99
00:17:06.000 Holy crap, did it suck. 1.00
00:17:08.000 And my girlfriend was French-Canadian, and French-Canadians are very lazy. 1.00
00:17:12.000 They're spoiled brats. 1.00
00:17:15.000 Imagine a bunch of whiny social justice warriors who got everything they wanted. 0.99
00:17:20.000 So since the FLQ, the Front en Libération du Québec, where they blew up a building and killed a guy, the country's reaction to that act of terrorism in 1970 was total and utter capitulation. 0.99
00:17:34.000 They said, we are the niggers of Canada! 0.99
00:17:38.000 And they went, oh, okay, instead of saying, how dare you? 1.00
00:17:41.000 Or what the hell are you talking about?
00:17:42.000 They went, oh, okay, how can we help you?
00:17:44.000 So now the whole country's bilingual.
00:17:46.000 And if you're on a flight in Vancouver, you have to hear like, you know, fasten your seatbelt for your seatbelt.
00:17:55.000 Even though no one on the plane speaks French, no one in the province speaks French.
00:17:58.000 We're on the West Coast, it's Portland.
00:18:02.000 So he was crying and I heard that he begged the dude for his job back.
00:18:07.000 I'm so sorry.
00:18:08.000 Please just let me stay here.
00:18:09.000 I'll work for free.
00:18:10.000 This is my entire identity.
00:18:13.000 He begged to work for free.
00:18:17.000 By the way, it was a child of divorce who grew up with his mom.
00:18:20.000 That's what happens when you get no dad. 1.00
00:18:22.000 You are a fucking sad pussy. 1.00
00:18:26.000 But anyway, yeah, I was talking to Ty and we were talking about the banned Dream Machine. 1.00
00:18:31.000 I think he's doing a live feed or he did a live feed on YouTube where they talked about being banned.
00:18:36.000 And I just thought, I hate that we know so much about artists.
00:18:41.000 When I was a lad, Glenn Danzig was the singer of The Misfits and he probably eats kittens.
00:18:49.000 I was talking to a British dude who was about 12 in 1977 and he said, uh, The Clash were a band.
00:18:57.000 I mean, everyone liked The Clash, but the thing about the Sex Pistols were
00:19:01.000 People were actually scared of them.
00:19:03.000 I mean, I was 12 years old and we thought Johnny Rotten was going to come out from under our bed.
00:19:08.000 He was, he was the boogeyman.
00:19:10.000 I mean, people were actually petrified of Sid Vicious. 0.96
00:19:13.000 It wasn't like, oh, there's a silly geezer with spiky hair. 0.99
00:19:16.000 That was those, those guys are evil. 1.00
00:19:19.000 I mean, they're satanic. 0.98
00:19:21.000 And that was true of, remember there was like Rod Stewart, we'd heard that he sucked off 10 sheep and he had to have his stomach pumped. 0.85
00:19:28.000 I had a Rod Stewart poster on my wall where he's all Scottish and he's got his tartan flag and my neighbor goes, you know that he sucked off 12 sheep, right? 0.96
00:19:35.000 And they had to pump his stomach because he had so much cum in his stomach. 0.97
00:19:38.000 And as a kid, you just go, all right, well, that poster's coming down. 0.92
00:19:41.000 And you just sort of roll it up and put it under the bed.
00:19:43.000 Like, you don't go, uh, what?
00:19:46.000 That must have taken about 12 hours.
00:19:49.000 And wouldn't you throw up before you have to go to the hospital and have your stomach pumped?
00:19:54.000 Stomach pumps are for when you eat poison.
00:19:57.000 As far as over drinking something, like if you ate, if you drank like 10 liters of eggnog, you just barf.
00:20:04.000 But no, we believed it. 1.00
00:20:05.000 Oh, Richard Gere took a hamster up his ass? 1.00
00:20:07.000 Yep, okay. 1.00
00:20:08.000 Now that's a thing.
00:20:09.000 That happens. 0.99
00:20:10.000 We're so fucking gullible. 0.97
00:20:11.000 You know what that was, by the way? 1.00
00:20:13.000 Richard Gere had a makeup artist and he was a dick to him or fired him or something and the gay dude goes, uh, I'm gonna ruin you. 1.00
00:20:22.000 I'm gonna make up a rumor that you put a gerbil up your ass. 1.00
00:20:25.000 And not only did everyone believe it, but they believed that gerbil up the ass is a thing. 1.00
00:20:29.000 I think many people still do. 1.00
00:20:32.000 You cannot put a rodent up your ass. 1.00
00:20:35.000 There's no room in there. 1.00
00:20:36.000 It will die. 1.00
00:20:38.000 Poo can barely survive being in your ass. 1.00
00:20:40.000 It gets all mushed up. 1.00
00:20:41.000 And it was designed to be in there.
00:20:44.000 You can't get a gerbil in there.
00:20:46.000 Oh no, what they do is they declaw them.
00:20:48.000 Oh yeah?
00:20:49.000 Oh, okay.
00:20:50.000 That's reasonable.
00:20:51.000 I remember there was a story in my high school, this chick Sandy, and the story was that she was fed Spanish flies, and we know how horny that makes the ladies, and so she used the gear shtick. 1.00
00:21:06.000 Gear shtick.
00:21:07.000 This is a gear shtick.
00:21:09.000 They were doing, she mounted the gear stick of a manual car, and she had to put out the fire because she was so incredibly horny. 0.88
00:21:18.000 And you know what our takeaway was as 13 year olds when we heard that rumor? 0.99
00:21:21.000 We went, holy shit man, she must have been really horny. 1.00
00:21:24.000 Like, no one questioned it! 1.00
00:21:26.000 We just went, oh, so those things make a woman so horny she has to mount a gear shaft, huh? 1.00
00:21:30.000 Hmm. 0.99
00:21:32.000 Oh, that is a horny horny pill. 0.99
00:21:33.000 Wow. 1.00
00:21:37.000 How fucking insane is that? 0.99
00:21:38.000 Could we have been less curious, please? 0.98
00:21:41.000 I actually contacted her.
00:21:43.000 I don't know, like five years ago.
00:21:45.000 And I said, Hey, Sandy.
00:21:47.000 She's got like six kids now. 0.99
00:21:48.000 She's probably a grandma.
00:21:49.000 I'm old.
00:21:49.000 I'm 48.
00:21:49.000 I go, I don't know if you remember this, but, uh, and I told her the story and she goes, yeah, I fucking remember that.
00:21:56.000 That was some asshole that I didn't put out for. 0.99
00:22:00.000 And so he started that rumor for revenge. 1.00
00:22:03.000 She goes, if my husband ever sees him, he's a dead man.
00:22:05.000 That ruined my entire high school career.
00:22:08.000 It ruined my high school experience. 0.99
00:22:10.000 How fucked is that? 1.00
00:22:12.000 That one idiotic rumor, that it couldn't be less true, ruins entire careers. 1.00
00:22:20.000 But! 1.00
00:22:21.000 I do like that kind of mythology when it comes to art.
00:22:24.000 I don't want to know what Gibby Haynes thinks about Hillary Clinton. 1.00
00:22:28.000 Please, don't tell me.
00:22:29.000 I don't want to know, I don't want to see Danzig at the store. 1.00
00:22:33.000 That's another problem with social media.
00:22:34.000 Have you seen that picture of James Hetfield shopping on 6th Avenue in New York? 1.00
00:22:38.000 And he has on cargo shorts and fucking flip flops. 0.96
00:22:43.000 And about 7 bags of Macy's and Gucci and some dumb pants that he bought that are really nice He probably went to Old Navy too and stocked up on some nice tees Some v-neck tees, some orange v-neck tees from Old Navy 0.99
00:23:03.000 Or Hollister.
00:23:04.000 He got some Hollister sweatshorts.
00:23:08.000 I don't want to know that about Metallica.
00:23:10.000 So why does everyone want to know that?
00:23:11.000 Like, Ty Richards is banned and his career may be over because I liked one of his songs.
00:23:18.000 He never said, this song is for the G-Dog and I totally promote it.
00:23:24.000 I'm popular when I walk down the street, by the way.
00:23:27.000 I mean, I get high fives.
00:23:28.000 Not literal high fives, but you know what I mean.
00:23:30.000 Everywhere I go.
00:23:31.000 And the kids are happy to see that, because they know their dad's not evil. 0.99
00:23:34.000 But as far as the creative class goes, I'm a fucking pariah. 0.98
00:23:38.000 And as far as media and social media goes, people get in trouble. 0.99
00:23:42.000 Like, my wife will have a friend over, and she'll post it on Instagram, and then her friends will attack that woman. 1.00
00:23:49.000 For going to Gavin's wife's house.
00:23:52.000 Gavin's wife's a liberal who voted for Hillary. 1.00
00:23:55.000 She's a fucking vegan. 1.00
00:23:56.000 But she sleeps with an evil Nazi. 1.00
00:23:59.000 So don't go to that house. 1.00
00:24:00.000 You'll get Nazi AIDS. 0.97
00:24:04.000 That's not the point I want to make.
00:24:06.000 The point I want to make is that art needs mystery.
00:24:09.000 And we're just... There's just too much exposure now.
00:24:12.000 I remember... What's his name?
00:24:14.000 Justin Theroux was talking about this.
00:24:17.000 He said that...
00:24:19.000 I don't want to see Tom Hanks do an interview.
00:24:22.000 I see him talking about his dog and then you watch Castaway and you're trying to imagine this person is stranded on an island but you go, but it's Tom Hanks.
00:24:32.000 So there's always that nagging elephant in the room going, oh, that's a guy pretending to be a guy.
00:24:39.000 You're pretending to be a dude.
00:24:40.000 Who's a dude?
00:24:41.000 Who's another dude? 0.64
00:24:42.000 I just fucked up that Tropic Thunder reference, which was written by Justin Theroux. 0.94
00:24:46.000 There we go, loop-de-doo. 0.62
00:24:48.000 I don't understand why there are celebrities at all.
00:24:51.000 Let me lead you into this.
00:24:54.000 Here's an easier version.
00:24:56.000 Why do celebrities voice children's cartoons, CGI cartoons?
00:25:02.000 Like Monsters, Inc.
00:25:03.000 Why do you need Billy Crystal and John Goodman to be the two monsters?
00:25:08.000 They're just cartoons, so just get any Shakespearean dude.
00:25:13.000 The kids don't know who Billy Crystal is.
00:25:15.000 Is it for the parents? 0.99
00:25:16.000 I don't give a fuck. 0.99
00:25:18.000 I don't like kids movies. 0.99
00:25:19.000 I'm going there to amuse my children.
00:25:21.000 I wish I could be on my phone the whole time, but I'll just wait it out.
00:25:24.000 It doesn't have to be good or bad.
00:25:25.000 You think I liked Toy Story?
00:25:27.000 The fact that adults go to Toy Story blows my mind.
00:25:30.000 You shouldn't like children's movies as an adult.
00:25:32.000 It's bizarre.
00:25:33.000 But in New York, it's totally common.
00:25:35.000 One time I went to Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs, and the theater was empty, and I sat near the middle, and I was right in front of a guy.
00:25:44.000 And as I sit down, I hear him go, and I go, is there a problem here?
00:25:53.000 And he goes, well, of all the places to sit in the theater, you had to sit right in front of me, huh?
00:25:57.000 And I go, oh, I'm sorry!
00:26:00.000 Me and my children ruined your children's movie!
00:26:04.000 If you're not an animator, you shouldn't even be here!
00:26:08.000 And that's not the only time it happened.
00:26:10.000 When I went to see Tin Tin, as they say in Europe, Tin Tin here in America, I showed up with a bunch of kids.
00:26:19.000 It was like me and another dad and I had my three and he had his two and so we were rolling deep.
00:26:25.000 Five kids. 0.99
00:26:28.000 And we walk in, let's fucking do this, boys. 0.99
00:26:31.000 Got our popcorn, large cokes, ready to rock and roll! 0.99
00:26:35.000 And we were there kind of early, and there was an old lady there.
00:26:39.000 And she sees me and the five kids I'm with.
00:26:43.000 And then there was another family coincidentally walking in.
00:26:45.000 They also had a bunch of kids.
00:26:47.000 And as we walked in, I saw her.
00:26:49.000 She was probably about 59 years old.
00:26:51.000 Kind of classy broad.
00:26:53.000 Looked a little bit like Cruella DeVille. 1.00
00:26:55.000 That's a hard name to say.
00:26:57.000 Cruella DeVille. 1.00
00:26:59.000 And I saw her go, oh shit! 1.00
00:27:01.000 And grab her coat and storm out of the theater. 1.00
00:27:05.000 Probably went and got her money back. 0.98
00:27:07.000 I apologize, madam. 0.99
00:27:09.000 I'm sorry to bring children to a fucking cartoon! 0.99
00:27:13.000 A cartoon. 1.00
00:27:15.000 It's a cartoon, you bitch. 1.00
00:27:18.000 Jesus Christ. 1.00
00:27:20.000 Anyway, I don't think celebrities should be the voice of these cartoons.
00:27:28.000 It's a total waste of money.
00:27:29.000 They'll get paid like $3,000,000.
00:27:31.000 You paid Billy Crystal $3,000,000 to sit in a room?
00:27:35.000 Let me tell you something about kids' movies.
00:27:37.000 Families go to 100% of them.
00:27:39.000 They don't put out enough of them.
00:27:40.000 There's a new one out about every month.
00:27:43.000 By the way, Hollywood, could you be dragging your feet anymore?
00:27:46.000 You put out like 10 movies a year.
00:27:48.000 Maybe 10 kids movies and 10 major movies. 0.99
00:27:51.000 Your whole fucking city is 100% designed for movies. 0.99
00:27:56.000 I made How to Be a Man in about a month. 1.00
00:28:00.000 With half a million bucks.
00:28:01.000 Boom.
00:28:02.000 That's one crew.
00:28:04.000 Skeleton crew, scout crew, as we said in the movie Million in the Morning, which I also made in five days. 1.00
00:28:10.000 How can- why does it take you so long to make these things, you lazy pieces of shit? 1.00
00:28:15.000 You top-heavy pedophiles? 1.00
00:28:21.000 So, okay, so you got the cartoon thing. 0.90
00:28:23.000 That makes sense, right?
00:28:24.000 That's pretty inarguable.
00:28:25.000 And actually, I fought with Justin Theroux about this, which is weird, because he's the one who got me started with the Tom Hanks thing.
00:28:31.000 And then I go, well, why are you guys in cartoons?
00:28:33.000 And he goes, no, actually, so he went back on what he said, and he goes, actually, it's good for publicity.
00:28:37.000 You know, you'll have Billy Crystal on all the talk shows, and he'll be promoting Monsters, Inc.
00:28:43.000 And I go,
00:28:44.000 But it doesn't need promotion.
00:28:45.000 I just told you they put out 10 movies a year.
00:28:47.000 Parents are dying for each one because it's basically three hours off the clock where you can just sit and relax and your kids are amusing.
00:28:53.000 You don't feel bad because it's not like they're home watching TV.
00:28:56.000 So it's three hours off the clock.
00:29:00.000 We don't care.
00:29:01.000 It could be...
00:29:03.000 It could be narrated by John Wayne Gacy.
00:29:06.000 As long as there's no dead kids in it, it's none of my beeswax who you hire. 1.00
00:29:10.000 It's just a fucking voice. 1.00
00:29:12.000 And acting is not a talent. 1.00
00:29:16.000 Acting is easy as shit. 0.99
00:29:19.000 It is the most overrated sport since advertising. 1.00
00:29:23.000 I've never seen more people, more untalented people make more money 1.00
00:29:28.000 Than when I was in advertising.
00:29:30.000 It's amazing.
00:29:32.000 They have one grain of sand for an idea and then about 80 people make $50,000.
00:29:38.000 Shocking.
00:29:39.000 You know the guy Don Draper?
00:29:40.000 You know who Don Draper is based on?
00:29:42.000 I forget his name, but all he's really done is come up with a BMW built for driving. 1.00
00:29:49.000 He's fuckin' rich as shit. 0.99
00:29:50.000 That's all he ever did. 1.00
00:29:51.000 They based Mad Men on him. 0.99
00:29:53.000 Another guy's rich as shit for, um, uh, Where's the Beef? 0.99
00:29:57.000 That Wendy's campaign? 1.00
00:29:58.000 Rich as shit. 1.00
00:29:59.000 That's all he ever did. 1.00
00:30:01.000 That's called a tweet, dude.
00:30:03.000 You had a reasonable tweet.
00:30:06.000 But back in the boomer days, you could just fart sideways and you were a millionaire.
00:30:11.000 Anyway, acting, you just say the line that's on the script.
00:30:15.000 We gotta get out of here. 0.98
00:30:16.000 And then if you suck and you say, we gotta get out of here, the director will go, what are you doing? 1.00
00:30:21.000 No, it's, we gotta get out of here. 1.00
00:30:22.000 And he'll say it to you verbatim, how you're supposed to say it.
00:30:25.000 And then you go, we gotta get out of here.
00:30:27.000 All right, that's a wrap.
00:30:28.000 Great work.
00:30:28.000 Here's a million bucks.
00:30:30.000 So people are clamoring for these jobs, yet we give, who's that chick? 1.00
00:30:35.000 The chick from The Office, who was Pam in The Office, she's in every fucking movie in the world. 1.00
00:30:43.000 She keeps yanking me out of it. 0.99
00:30:45.000 I go, there's Pam. 0.99
00:30:46.000 Or the other dude from The Office.
00:30:47.000 Now he's John Wick.
00:30:49.000 He's some action dude.
00:30:51.000 Sorry, you're still the dude from The Office to me.
00:30:54.000 Can't we get an action guy?
00:30:56.000 Why do we have to keep recycling these?
00:30:58.000 And France is even worse. 1.00
00:30:59.000 France has about five people they recycle for every fucking movie. 0.99
00:31:05.000 So you're looking at a bad guy, and he was the bad guy in your last movie. 0.99
00:31:10.000 Like Beatrice Dahl for a while, who I was obsessed with, by the way, that's my type. 0.96
00:31:14.000 Beatrice Dahl, when she was in her heyday, which I guess would be the early 90s, she was just the protagonist of every single fucking movie without exception. 1.00
00:31:23.000 Um, that's dumb. 0.98
00:31:26.000 Anyway, to get back to music, 0.94
00:31:30.000 I want there to be sort of like, with Black Sabbath, with Ozzy, we were scared of him.
00:31:35.000 We thought he was insane.
00:31:37.000 Like when he said, going off the rails on a crazy train, we went, oh, that guy's going off the rails on some sort of a crazy train.
00:31:46.000 Everything was literal.
00:31:47.000 We thought Rush were magic.
00:31:50.000 On that, is it 2112, where there's a big pentagram on fire?
00:31:53.000 We went, oh, okay, they are, we believed like Motley Crue had magical powers and they were, we'd hear, all you had to do was meet with Anton LaVey once. 0.99
00:32:02.000 And we went, holy shit, those guys are friends with Satan, man. 0.99
00:32:06.000 You should not, you shouldn't even listen to that. 0.99
00:32:08.000 If you listen, and it felt dangerous too, because you'd have your orange puffy headphones and your Sony Walkman, and you'd slide in the cassette, close it up, hit play, make sure you have two fresh AA batteries in there so it didn't slow down, and you would go, I am doing some sinful shit. 0.93
00:32:26.000 I'm listening to satanic music. 0.99
00:32:29.000 I could be killed. 1.00
00:32:30.000 I could probably kill you! 1.00
00:32:33.000 And now it's like, I don't want to listen to that song. 0.97
00:32:35.000 The guy thinks that climate change is a myth, so I can't do it anymore.
00:32:40.000 And then it's the same with movies. 0.99
00:32:43.000 These actors say dumb crap like, Don Cheadle was calling me a Nazi the other day. 0.99
00:32:49.000 Now, obviously, you don't go through that. 1.00
00:32:52.000 Don Cheadle is never going to call you a Nazi.
00:32:54.000 It's not that common. 0.99
00:32:57.000 Now I know that Don Cheadle's a moron, and so does everyone who read that tweet, or at least everyone, you know, reasonable. 0.99
00:33:04.000 So that's Don Cheadle down the drain. 0.99
00:33:06.000 Some guys are smart about it, like Adam Sandler.
00:33:09.000 His only thing is that he wants you to be pro-Israel, which no, I mean, actually I was gonna say no Jew is anti-Israel, but that's not true at all. 0.55
00:33:17.000 Plenty of Jews hate Israel.
00:33:19.000 But I was going to say, it's not surprising that a Jew says, I want you to be pro-Israel. 0.88
00:33:25.000 It's like Rich Voss.
00:33:27.000 If you want to talk to him about politics, he just goes, are you pro-Israel?
00:33:31.000 And you say yes, and he goes, okay, well done.
00:33:34.000 That's all he cares about.
00:33:35.000 But outside of that, Adam Sandler doesn't get into it.
00:33:38.000 Or Will Smith.
00:33:38.000 And it doesn't wreck him.
00:33:41.000 Will Smith, um, uh, doesn't get political.
00:33:46.000 By the way, if you can guess what I just did, what that bonk was, I'll pay you a million dollars. 0.88
00:33:53.000 No?
00:33:54.000 Alright.
00:33:54.000 Okay, you give up.
00:33:55.000 I bent a coat hanger into a long sort of a pole type shape and then I bent the the top part into a right angle so I now have a long stick with a sharp point right angle and then I bonked it on the box of a MacBook Pro and made a little hole.
00:34:13.000 If you really knew sound, if you were a sound engineer and you really knew what you were doing, you would have been able to suss that out.
00:34:22.000 New York's calling.
00:34:24.000 Okay, I'll end this with the Will Ferrell story.
00:34:24.000 Goodbye.
00:34:30.000 I went to see the Yankees with Will Ferrell once and I'm famous now this was before I was famous and I gotta tell you folks being famous blows chunks it fucking sucks and if you want to know what it's like take a sharpie and draw your nose this only works if you're white draw your nose black if you're a black person you're listening to this which I doubt take liquid paper take white out and make your nose white 0.98
00:34:56.000 And now walk down the street and that way people stop and stare. 0.98
00:34:59.000 Actually, that would be better because they just stop and stare. 1.00
00:35:02.000 I have to pose for a fucking selfie all the time. 0.99
00:35:04.000 Can I get a picture with you? 1.00
00:35:06.000 God, why?
00:35:08.000 Anyway, I always knew being famous sucks because I was in a band when I was 18 and in a very small scale you could get a taste of what it is and it's just a lot of boring conversations that are very short with strangers. 0.96
00:35:21.000 And they tend to be losers if they're coming up to you, you know? 0.81
00:35:24.000 It's like Andy, what's his name, Andy Rooney at the end of 60 Minutes, he goes, 0.84
00:35:28.000 The kind of person that would sit down and write me a letter is probably not the kind of person I want to hang out with.
00:35:34.000 That's what he said of his fans.
00:35:36.000 But, um, we go to the Yankees game, and I'm with, uh, what's his name?
00:35:42.000 Jimmy Miller.
00:35:43.000 Dennis Miller's brother.
00:35:45.000 Dennis Miller's right wing.
00:35:46.000 Jimmy Miller's not at all.
00:35:47.000 In fact, Jimmy Miller stopped talking to me when he found out I was right wing. 0.88
00:35:51.000 He'd actually just introduced me to the founder of Vox, and we met for lunch at Le Cirque, and it was stupid because the guy is the founder of Vox.
00:36:01.000 I ended up saying I'll pay him $2,000 if he reads an Ann Coulter book, which to a rich guy means nothing, so he never did.
00:36:08.000 But he said, I go, why do you hate Ann Coulter so much? 0.97
00:36:11.000 I can't remember how it came out, but he goes, I think she needs to be burned alive. 0.98
00:36:15.000 Really? 0.99
00:36:16.000 Seems a little harsh.
00:36:18.000 That's how they talk, especially women. 1.00
00:36:20.000 I notice liberals talk about conservative women. 1.00
00:36:21.000 It's always shockingly graphic.
00:36:23.000 I had lunch with Anthony Bourdain when I was doing a pilot for travel and we were doing the up-fronts.
00:36:29.000 You can find it online.
00:36:30.000 It's called America on $0 a day.
00:36:32.000 Didn't get picked up.
00:36:34.000 But I was having lunch with him and I go,
00:36:37.000 He was talking with Sarah Palin and he goes, you know what I would like to do to her?
00:36:39.000 And everything else he said was rational and funny and interesting, so he's a normal human being.
00:36:43.000 And then he goes, uh, I would like to take razor blades and just draw long lines on her body and then slowly peel off her skin by rolling it into little cylindrical, like, uh, Twinkies. 1.00
00:36:57.000 I go, really? 0.67
00:36:59.000 I hate Rachel Maddow. 1.00
00:37:01.000 I don't even want to slap her in the face. 0.99
00:37:03.000 I don't want to hang out with her, but I don't want to cut her or cuss her. 1.00
00:37:07.000 I don't even want to spank her bum. 1.00
00:37:09.000 I don't even want to put a cigarette out on her, the eye of the fish she's eating. 1.00
00:37:13.000 I feel no animosity, like I feel no violent animosity to her.
00:37:17.000 Where do they have this vitriol?
00:37:19.000 It's so deep-seated.
00:37:23.000 But anyway, so uh,
00:37:27.000 I go to the game and Jimmy says I want you to meet Will.
00:37:29.000 Great!
00:37:30.000 I'd love to meet him.
00:37:30.000 He's a famous guy and he's super funny and he's in awesome movies.
00:37:33.000 Like Step Brothers.
00:37:34.000 It always cracks me up.
00:37:37.000 I love Step Brothers.
00:37:38.000 Remember in Step Brothers where the parents allow them to make bunk beds?
00:37:43.000 And they do and they do a shitty job and then the top bunk falls on the bottom bunk and he runs back in there and says that whatever his name is, Dennis is dead. 1.00
00:37:54.000 I showed that to the kids and I didn't realize that it says motherfucker and fuck and cunt and slut about every second word, so that was a mistake. 1.00
00:38:01.000 You gotta really read that parental IMDB before you show your kids a movie. 1.00
00:38:04.000 Um, I almost showed them Animal House until I read it and realized, oh yeah, every second joke is about fucking. 0.88
00:38:10.000 So, I'm just throwing this in at the end as dessert, because I can't base a whole podcast on the simple premise that artists should be more mysterious. 0.97
00:38:20.000 You can get that in two minutes, so I gotta add a truffle at the end. 0.98
00:38:23.000 And I'm out of sponsors, too.
00:38:25.000 I don't got Purple Mattress and I don't have We The People holsters anymore.
00:38:30.000 I'm losing all my sponsors, yo.
00:38:35.000 This is before the Twitter ban, nothing to do with that.
00:38:36.000 So, we go to the Yankees game, and of course the seats are insane.
00:38:40.000 They're right behind home plate.
00:38:42.000 I wasn't really into baseball back then.
00:38:43.000 This was probably, uh... 2009.
00:38:46.000 I don't know. 0.98
00:38:49.000 Holy shit, that was ten years ago. 0.90
00:38:52.000 And he does Funny or Die, and I had a great video on Funny or Die. 0.97
00:38:55.000 I have a bunch of good videos on Funny or Die, like Our Woman is Horny as Man, and another great one was Sophie Can Walk, about my daughter being born unable to walk, and the doctor said she wouldn't walk for at least a year.
00:39:06.000 That was my running joke when my daughter was born.
00:39:08.000 And it's amazing how many people took it seriously and went, can I help?
00:39:13.000 And I go, let me say it again slower.
00:39:15.000 My daughter was born, she can't walk, and the doctors say she won't be able to walk for at least a year.
00:39:23.000 Do you want to write that down and just read it to yourself?
00:39:27.000 Anthony Civarelli from Gorilla Biscuits offered me money for it.
00:39:30.000 He's actually in the video.
00:39:32.000 I run up to an SUV with a flyer.
00:39:34.000 That's Civ.
00:39:35.000 That's Anthony Civarelli, who did my back tattoo. 0.98
00:39:38.000 Anyway, Jesus Christ, what a silly tangent. 0.53
00:39:41.000 So we go to the game. 0.79
00:39:43.000 And it's awesome seats.
00:39:45.000 I don't quite sit right next to him.
00:39:47.000 It's like Jimmy, me, his assistant, and him.
00:39:51.000 And he said, oh, you did that Sophie Can Walk. 0.52
00:39:55.000 I go, yeah, it was fucking funny. 0.94
00:39:55.000 It was really funny. 0.94
00:39:56.000 It was hilarious.
00:39:57.000 And then he laughed at that, so I got him to laugh.
00:39:59.000 Great.
00:40:01.000 And we go down there, and he's constantly being hassled.
00:40:06.000 People are coming up, they're buying him beers, which is nice!
00:40:08.000 Don't get me wrong, that's a nice gesture, but you gotta know, did someone spit in this or something?
00:40:11.000 And also, when you're at a game, you don't want more than one beer.
00:40:15.000 Just... It's like a Glaswegian pub, where everyone gets... You alright, pal?
00:40:15.000 What do I do?
00:40:19.000 You alright?
00:40:19.000 You need a pint?
00:40:20.000 No, I do not need a pint.
00:40:21.000 Oh, I'll get you a pint.
00:40:22.000 He comes back with a McCune's lager.
00:40:24.000 Dude, I have three pints in front of me.
00:40:26.000 You're not helping.
00:40:27.000 Alright, that's it, guys.
00:40:28.000 Closing time.
00:40:29.000 It's 11pm.
00:40:30.000 Oh, no problem.
00:40:31.000 I'll just drink these six pints.
00:40:33.000 What is this? 1.00
00:40:33.000 A fucking hot dog eating contest? 1.00
00:40:35.000 Is this sponsored by Nathan's? 1.00
00:40:37.000 So you're sitting there just chugging pints.
00:40:39.000 Anyway, he had a Glaswegian amount of pints at his feet.
00:40:42.000 And then the head of Yankee Stadium, like, marketing comes over and goes, it was when he had that movie out, Lost Planet or whatever, where they are, you know, with the dinosaurs.
00:40:51.000 They go back in time or whatever.
00:40:53.000 You know, the remake of that popular 70s show.
00:40:56.000 And let's say it's called Lost Planet.
00:41:00.000 She goes, hey, we're wondering if we could put the camera to you with a microphone, you could say a little bit, like say, welcome to Yankee Stadium.
00:41:07.000 And he goes, no, I'm all right, thanks.
00:41:10.000 Like, no, I don't want to give you a free ad.
00:41:12.000 I get paid a lot of money for those things.
00:41:14.000 He's not saying that part.
00:41:15.000 He just said the first part.
00:41:15.000 I'm saying the second part.
00:41:17.000 And then she starts getting kind of pissy. 0.85
00:41:20.000 And she goes, well, we're promoting Lost Planet on the Jumbotron, so I thought it would be kind of suitable for you to say something.
00:41:28.000 He goes, yeah, I'm good.
00:41:30.000 I'm good, actually.
00:41:32.000 And then, you know, Jimmy Miller has to tell her to sort of, alright lady, let's move it aside. 0.98
00:41:36.000 That's that guy's life.
00:41:38.000 Like, Justin Theroux can't- I was with him at his house in Beverly Hills when he lived with Jennifer Aniston, here I am name-dropping, and I said, um, can we just go to a bar and have a beer? 0.87
00:41:47.000 And he goes, are you crazy? 0.99
00:41:49.000 I can't fucking do that. 1.00
00:41:50.000 And I thought, so, you're basically Pablo Escobar. 0.99
00:41:53.000 You're in a beautiful prison.
00:41:55.000 That's what it's like to be famous.
00:41:56.000 Like, how does Tom Cruise go and get dinner? 0.99
00:41:59.000 Yeah, but he's fucking rich. 1.00
00:42:00.000 Shut the fuck up. 1.00
00:42:03.000 After your home is paid for, and your medical bills are fine, and you've got a car, you're basically a billionaire. 1.00
00:42:12.000 I mean, what does Howard Stern do that's different?
00:42:14.000 He makes $90 million a year.
00:42:15.000 Is his day really that different from yours?
00:42:17.000 He has a limousine that takes him to work.
00:42:19.000 Okay.
00:42:20.000 That's a bit better than driving.
00:42:22.000 A little bit.
00:42:24.000 No, actually, it's not as fun.
00:42:25.000 You can't sort of, like, change the radio.
00:42:27.000 I guess you have to run to the limo driver.
00:42:29.000 So, no, I'm not buying the fun part.
00:42:31.000 Yeah, but they're famous.
00:42:33.000 Yeah, how is that good?
00:42:35.000 All you do is ruin movies when you're famous by me recognizing you. 1.00
00:42:40.000 So, your job sucks. 1.00
00:42:41.000 It's easy. 1.00
00:42:42.000 You're not necessarily very good at it.
00:42:44.000 It's not like Robert De Niro.
00:42:46.000 Robert De Niro's so good in Raging Bull.
00:42:48.000 Or even Daniel Day-Lewis, the best guy ever.
00:42:51.000 Yes, he did a good Bill the Butcher accent.
00:42:53.000 All right.
00:42:54.000 Should I blow him now? 0.59
00:42:56.000 How is that a talent?
00:42:57.000 You do that all the- What do you think?
00:42:58.000 It's like Halloween.
00:42:59.000 You just dress up like Frankenstein and go... Do you deserve an Academy Award for that?
00:43:05.000 Anyway...
00:43:07.000 The moral of the story here is that artists are overrated and I'd like to keep it that way.
00:43:14.000 Can you stop ruining them by making them human beings?
00:43:17.000 Let's keep art hypothetical.
00:43:19.000 Let's keep sex hypothetical. 0.99
00:43:21.000 Let's keep all these things out in the ethereal cosmos where they're not pinned down and ripped apart like a fucking frog in biology class. 0.99
00:43:32.000 I don't want to know 0.98
00:43:33.000 The history of my art.
00:43:34.000 I don't want you to remove the nuance and tell me what each beat means and what they were going for.
00:43:39.000 I don't want the writer of the book to do interviews.
00:43:43.000 I want my own interpretation of it. 0.99
00:43:45.000 And you guys, with all your rules and regulations and politically correct this and this has to be like that and all these artists on Twitter and actors fucking ruining all their shit. 0.99
00:43:54.000 You're taking all the mystery out of life. 1.00
00:43:56.000 You know, if a woman's going to wear lingerie, I want her just to go to the other room, put it on, and then... You don't want to see her, like, getting her toes in the fishnets, and having to get the heel of the stocking right, and then putting the clips on, and... Oh, shit, my gut. 1.00
00:44:10.000 I gotta put my gut in my corset here, and tie it up. 0.99
00:44:14.000 Oh, I farted there.
00:44:16.000 I guess I put my corset on a little too tight.
00:44:18.000 There's my shoes.
00:44:19.000 Let me get my toes in my shoe here.
00:44:24.000 That's my problem with all this regulation. 1.00
00:44:25.000 You guys are ruining shit. 0.99
00:44:26.000 Let's get back to some mystery, please. 1.00
00:44:28.000 Let's get back to butthole surfing.