Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - August 27, 2018


Get Off My Lawn Podcast #76 | What’s blue and is a circle?

Topics
vacations being famous fascist USA road trips
Hosted by
Gavin McInnes
Mentioned
Niagara Falls Bubba Jokes Manon Massé Jesus Christ Johnny Tabarnak Callis Niagara Balls Rachel Maddow Dave MDC Tabernacle Gavin King Louis XIV Kung Fu Panda Wilford Brimley Molson Canadian Rosie O'Donnell Jacques Cartier Tommy Robinson Robin Williams Manon Marseille and 28 more
Ep 175 | Not a Crime | Get Off My Lawn Ep 177 | JR Mint | Get Off My Lawn

Episode Stats


Length

47 minutes

Words per minute

168.18

Word count

7,969

Sentence count

823

Harmful content

Misogyny

33

sentences flagged

Toxicity

228

sentences flagged

Hate speech

54

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

What's blue and is a circle? A butt cheek? What's wearing blue pants? What s a doll? A doll that shits itself? What does a doll have a go-kart? What is a doll that shoots pee straight up? How do you shoot a gun with a pen? What do you do with penises when they attack you when you're under water? Do you shoot them with a gun when they're attacking you? What are you supposed to do with a penis that's shooting pee when you don't have a gun? What happens when you can't write a sentence and you're not sure what to write it out? How can you shoot someone else's penis when they don't know how to write sentences? Is it possible to shoot another person's penis? How does a penis shoot other people's pee when it's running out of blood? And how do you kill a penis when it doesn't want to be shot? all this and more on this week's episode of the boys and girls podcast. by the way, I'm on a road trip with the fam, and I'm not going to be back for a few days, so don't worry about that. I'll be back in a few weeks. I'm going to do my best to catch you guys up on what I've been up to in the next week or so. by then. bye. Timestamps: 3:00:00 - What's a doll, what's a poo? 6:30 - How to shoot your penis? 7: What's brown and goes down? 8:15 - Do you get nauseous when you spin around? 9:20 - Can you shoot your dick? 11:00 12:40 - What is it a doll with a pencil? 13:30 14:15 What's that poop? 15:00 | What's the worst thing you can do with your brain? 16:40 17:30 | Where do you get nausea when you get dizzy? 18:40 | How can I get sick? 19: Is it better than a glass of water? 21:10 | How do I get it? 22: What do I do with my hands like that? 25:15 | Can I have a better job? 26:30 // Do I get more than one cup of coffee?

Transcript

Transcripts from "Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes" are sourced from the Knowledge Fight Interactive Search Tool. Explore them interactively here.
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Toxicity classifications generated with s-nlp/roberta_toxicity_classifier .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
Topics generated with Qwen2.5-3B-Instruct.
Hosts, guests, and mentioned names generated with spaCy (en_core_web_sm), reconciled against Wikidata.
00:00:00.000 What's blue and is a circle?
00:00:08.000 A butt cheek.
00:00:09.000 What's wearing blue pants?
00:00:14.000 I gotta put a book together of my son's vriddles, as he calls them.
00:00:18.000 He's five.
00:00:19.000 And that was one of them.
00:00:22.000 I love that he says what.
00:00:24.000 It's for that.
00:00:27.000 It's actually a common mistake in British working class parlance.
00:00:32.000 Like if you watch Withnail and I, one of the greatest movies of all time.
00:00:36.000 We've got on holiday by mistake!
00:00:39.000 Milo's a big fan of that movie too, we always quote it to each other.
00:00:45.000 I've just been called a ponce, we have to go Withnail. 1.00
00:00:48.000 What fucker said that? 1.00
00:00:51.000 I did. 1.00
00:00:52.000 I called him a ponce and I'm calling you a ponce, you ponce! 1.00
00:00:57.000 And immediately Withnail goes, I have a heart condition. 0.98
00:01:01.000 If you hit me, it's murder.
00:01:04.000 The whole movie he goes from remarkable hubris ready to take on the world to the second there's any kind of conflict.
00:01:12.000 He collapses and becomes the weakest man alive.
00:01:16.000 I love it!
00:01:17.000 We all have a friend like that.
00:01:19.000 He's usually a drunk.
00:01:20.000 I think the guy Withnail is based on is actually Deed, unfortunately.
00:01:24.000 But anyway, uh... Yeah, there's a stoner in it.
00:01:28.000 And he says, uh... 0.90
00:01:30.000 Me and my partner, Professor Zumi Ned, we're working on a doll what shits itself. 0.73
00:01:37.000 They like that, the little girls. 0.95
00:01:40.000 And he says, yeah, a doll what shits itself. 0.99
00:01:42.000 And that's what my son says. 0.91
00:01:44.000 He says, are we going to that place what has a go-kart?
00:01:49.000 So, I think it would be really cool. 0.99
00:01:52.000 Like, he made this drawing yesterday of penises shooting pee straight up. 0.99
00:01:56.000 And it's like a quiz. 0.98
00:01:57.000 I had to show him how to write these different sentences because he can't write.
00:02:01.000 So, um, he made me write it out. 0.76
00:02:04.000 What do you do with the, when the penises are attacking? 1.00
00:02:08.000 Do you go under? 0.99
00:02:09.000 Do you go over? 1.00
00:02:10.000 Or do you shoot them?
00:02:11.000 And then he had this whole, sort of a chart of the different directions you can go in with this strange shape in the middle. 1.00
00:02:18.000 And the answer, by the way, is you shoot them with a gun.
00:02:23.000 He also had a riddle where he said, uh, what, what's brown and... What's brown and drops? 0.99
00:02:34.000 And the answer, of course, is poo. 0.58
00:02:37.000 And then he added, not diarrhea, that's brown and goes down.
00:02:42.000 I cherish all of these, too, because I know they're running out.
00:02:46.000 Like, he's starting to know the real words.
00:02:48.000 He says you get nauseous when you spin around instead of saying you get busy.
00:02:54.000 And then once the last one learns English, you're done, my friend. 0.66
00:02:58.000 Party's over.
00:03:00.000 You now have skinny, short roommates who want to look at their screens all the time.
00:03:07.000 And you have to walk around the house like a corrections officer finding screens.
00:03:13.000 Which I've done, and I've told you about that a million times.
00:03:16.000 The lockpocket works.
00:03:17.000 Anyway, sorry I missed a few podcasts, boys and girls.
00:03:20.000 I was away on vacay.
00:03:22.000 I banked a bunch of get-off-my-lawn shows on CRTV.com, so you never have to miss out on those.
00:03:28.000 But yeah, I just ran out of life force.
00:03:31.000 I could have recorded, what, four episodes?
00:03:35.000 Four 45-minute episodes as I'm running to get organized for this road trip.
00:03:40.000 No, I just went no.
00:03:41.000 I don't know if my boss is gonna be mad, but I think my contract with CRTV is more like a per year thing.
00:03:48.000 So it's not like McDonald's where if you miss a shift, you're dead.
00:03:52.000 You have to miss a bunch of shifts.
00:03:54.000 And I'm doing very well there.
00:03:55.000 I think I'm up there with Levin and Crowder's popular show.
00:04:03.000 Lifting the table.
00:04:06.000 But yeah, I went on a road trip with the fam.
00:04:09.000 You know, I was thinking about, what do I want to do?
00:04:11.000 Sometimes I don't really enjoy my vacations, and it's not a money thing, I've noticed.
00:04:15.000 Atlantis was one of our most expensive vacations, Atlantis, which is a cool water park, a bunch of lineups, and I don't know.
00:04:24.000 You know, you can only sort of go down so many slides.
00:04:27.000 Plus, I've noticed as I'm getting older, I don't really enjoy scary rides as much.
00:04:33.000 The one way to survive them, by the way, without throwing up, because I'm usually hungover, so I'm fragile in the mornings, and being whipped around in circles when you're, you know, you don't feel 100%, it's not very pleasant.
00:04:45.000 It's like a barf machine.
00:04:48.000 But I just went to La Ronde in Montreal and I screwed up by the way.
00:04:53.000 I was told there was a cool pirate ship.
00:04:55.000 There is a cool pirate ship in old Montreal that has all these zip lines and stuff. 0.96
00:05:02.000 But if you look on your phone pirate ship it sends you to some stupid ride pirate ship at La Ronde and La Ronde is a crappy 0.98
00:05:08.000 It's like Six Flags, but worse, and the lineups are insane, and the prices are ridiculous! 0.98
00:05:13.000 I think it was $350 to bring my family there.
00:05:16.000 And they charged my little boy, Johnny, even though he's five.
00:05:19.000 And it's just a flat rate.
00:05:21.000 And the lineups are like an hour.
00:05:24.000 Unless, of course, you get the, you pretend you have the Flash Pass.
00:05:29.000 And I was with Robbie Dillon, he's an old, he's an old Vice editor.
00:05:34.000 Kind of a criminal past, but he's also a great writer and that's, he used to edit Vice and I met up with him, hadn't seen him in about 10 years, maybe 20 actually.
00:05:41.000 And so we go there, and we just, we go to the zip pass, the flash pass lineup, and all you do is you say, And she goes, Sleep well and have good dreams is all I know how to say in German, but when you say it in a rush, to a teenager, as you're sort of zipping out of the room, I mean, sorry, zipping up the stairs to the front of the lineup, they just go, So we went to the front of the line there,
00:06:11.000 This is an old, it's a really cool roller coaster actually.
00:06:13.000 It's all wood.
00:06:14.000 It's like the one that was at Coney Island before Sandy.
00:06:19.000 And the way you survive it without puking is you pretend you're in World War II and you're in an old rickety F-15 jet.
00:06:25.000 Which I don't think there's such a thing as an old rickety F-15.
00:06:29.000 An old rickety World War I even fighter jet.
00:06:32.000 Actually I prefer World War II. 0.75
00:06:33.000 I don't really understand World War I. What the fuck was that about? 0.97
00:06:36.000 Some Hungarian king and a funny mustache got shot in his wagon? 1.00
00:06:41.000 Alright.
00:06:42.000 Sorry, dude.
00:06:43.000 Let's try to find the culprit and send him to jail for murder. 0.99
00:06:46.000 I don't know why the entire fucking world needs to go defend Captain Mustache. 0.99
00:06:54.000 World War II is a little clearer. 0.98
00:06:57.000 But, um, yeah, you just pretend you're in World War II and you're going, yeah, duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh
00:07:22.000 Wow, this must have been scary and hard.
00:07:25.000 Can you imagine riding a fighter jet?
00:07:31.000 Breaking the sound barrier.
00:07:37.000 You'd be pooping your pants the whole time. 0.98
00:07:38.000 It would be like just trying to take a nap in a mosh pit. 0.83
00:07:44.000 You're just getting your senses attacked constantly.
00:07:47.000 Oh, by the way, there's so much to catch up on, I don't even know where to begin, so I'll just go on a hundred tangents.
00:07:51.000 I'll probably talk about my trip more on my show.
00:07:54.000 Get off my lawn at CRTV.com.
00:07:57.000 Because I want to show you all my cool souvenirs I bought.
00:08:01.000 The kitschier the place, the more souvenirs you gotta buy. 0.97
00:08:04.000 And it's kind of counterintuitive, because, you know, you see a poutine snowglobe, and you go, that's just more crap, I don't need more crap.
00:08:12.000 Then you get back to New York, and buy your kitchen sink there, with all your little stained glass bric-a-brac, and the nice sort of wood birds you have hanging over the kitchen sink, you now have a beautiful poutine snowglobe. 0.71
00:08:25.000 And out of context, now it looks super cool.
00:08:27.000 Like now, I have a...
00:08:30.000 A license plate that says Tabarnak! 0.97
00:08:33.000 Um... You know, that seems dumb in Quebec. 0.78
00:08:36.000 It's a swear word, by the way, named Tabernacle. 0.81
00:08:39.000 Based on the word Tabernacle.
00:08:40.000 All the swear words in Quebec are named after the church.
00:08:43.000 So, the chalice is the worst word you can say.
00:08:46.000 Tabernacle's very bad. 1.00
00:08:48.000 Shit and fuck, by the way, you know, they're a very sexual people. 1.00
00:08:52.000 So those aren't bad words. 1.00
00:08:54.000 Like, cunt is nothing to them. 0.99
00:08:57.000 But, uh... Tabernacle? 0.99
00:09:00.000 Tabarnak Callis, Chris de Callis.
00:09:03.000 That's Christ of the Chalice.
00:09:05.000 I mean, that would make an old lady's ears burn off. 1.00
00:09:08.000 Anyway, so I picked up all that, break it back, and it's better.
00:09:10.000 It's more of a visual thing. 0.97
00:09:12.000 So I'll show that on the show, but... One thing I didn't get to, because it happened just when I started my vacation, is this poor bastard that stole a plane and killed himself. 0.95
00:09:24.000 I mean, the footage of that... 0.95
00:09:27.000 Maybe I can find it on my phone.
00:09:28.000 I mean, you've heard it, right?
00:09:31.000 The footage of him saying, I didn't know I was damaged until now, it's just so heartbreaking.
00:09:36.000 And I know it's anecdotal and it's hard to say, oh, this is part of a pattern of male suicide, although middle-aged white males are having a huge spike in suicide. 0.97
00:09:46.000 I don't know if this relates to this particular guy, but I can't help but think that the war on masculinity and this sort of like, men suck, they're terrible people, they're responsible for all the world's disasters, you know, the opposite of a proud boy. 0.99
00:10:03.000 Shame boys. 0.99
00:10:04.000 I can't help but think that led
00:10:07.000 I don't know.
00:10:28.000 Sounds like such an awesome dude to hang out with, you know?
00:10:32.000 I think I got it here.
00:10:33.000 Of course, there'll be an ad for some sort of glassware.
00:10:38.000 Isn't that funny how they said... Yep, of course.
00:10:44.000 Isn't it funny how they said, yeah, we have to shut down all these white supremacist YouTube sites because they are...
00:10:53.000 Advertisers are unwillingly next to some horrible thing about a race war, and they don't want to be next to that.
00:10:59.000 Sony doesn't want to be next to that.
00:11:01.000 No, dude, that's not happening.
00:11:02.000 First of all, there is no brutally racist stuff on YouTube.
00:11:06.000 Look up the N-word on YouTube, and you'll see like a couple rap references, and that's it. 0.99
00:11:10.000 No one's sitting there talking about the goddamn Negroes going off on a rant like that. 0.98
00:11:14.000 Those don't exist on YouTube. 1.00
00:11:16.000 And secondly, advertisers don't care who they're with.
00:11:20.000 There could be a story.
00:11:20.000 100 babies murdered in Delaware.
00:11:24.000 Do you think Coca-Cola is going to get mad that they were on the news when that was on?
00:11:28.000 We're just going to have a blank ad space?
00:11:31.000 Blad.
00:11:33.000 Alright, here it is.
00:11:33.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:11:37.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:11:49.000 I've got a lot of people that care about me, and it's going to disappoint them to hear that I did this.
00:12:00.000 I would like to apologize to each and every one of them.
00:12:04.000 I'm just that broken guy.
00:12:08.000 Got a few screws loose, I guess.
00:12:10.000 Never really knew it, until now.
00:12:13.000 Hey, you think if I land this successfully, Alaska will give me a job as a pilot?
00:12:19.000 Uh, you know, I think that would give you a job of doing anything if you could pull this off.
00:12:23.000 Yeah, right!
00:12:25.000 If you wanted to land, probably the best bet is that runway just ahead and to your left.
00:12:31.000 Again, that's McCord Field.
00:12:35.000 If you wanted to try, that might be the best way to set up and see if you can land there.
00:12:39.000 Or just like the pilot suggests, another option would be over Puget Sound into the water.
00:12:44.000 Isn't that tragic?
00:12:46.000 Sorry to add such a bummer spin to this podcast.
00:12:49.000 Now I'm bummed out.
00:13:05.000 I hate the way we poo-poo stuff like that.
00:13:07.000 We've become so insensitive, and even the way we use the word poo-poo.
00:13:11.000 I'm against that too.
00:13:14.000 But like, you know what I really hate is prison rape jokes.
00:13:17.000 Oh, you're gonna have a good time with Bubba as your cellmate. 0.52
00:13:21.000 How many times have you heard that joke?
00:13:23.000 How many movies have been based... Don't drop the soap! 1.00
00:13:27.000 That guy's getting raped in his ass. 1.00
00:13:30.000 His ass is gonna get shredded. 1.00
00:13:32.000 He's gonna have to defecate in a colostomy bag and he'll likely die. 1.00
00:13:36.000 I've heard that in prison they'll use a shiv or something to cut up uranus to make it easier for them. 0.98
00:13:43.000 I assume with all those capillaries down there you die.
00:13:45.000 I can handle some pretty harsh jokes.
00:13:48.000 But anally bleeding to death is not exactly a knee slapper.
00:13:54.000 I find it profoundly uncomfortable, the Bubba bit.
00:13:59.000 And same with this guy.
00:14:01.000 Can you imagine the horrific apocalyptic smash as the plane hit the tree?
00:14:10.000 Like there was a millisecond there where a tree hit him in the head.
00:14:15.000 The tree went through the plane, fireballs engulfed his feet.
00:14:19.000 I'm not talking about an hour and a half here.
00:14:22.000 I'm talking about
00:14:24.000 Just a clap.
00:14:25.000 But in that clap, there was unfathomable blackness and pain and concussions.
00:14:37.000 That's what it's like to die when you crash a plane into a forest. 1.00
00:14:42.000 Poor effing bastard. 0.99
00:14:44.000 Anyway, here's a funny story that isn't that visual. 0.98
00:14:46.000 Well, I don't have visuals for it so I can say it on the podcast.
00:14:49.000 So we're coming back from Montreal, and just to be clear here, I can't say where I'm going because I have all these lunatic stalkers. 0.96
00:14:55.000 By the way, I'm getting so famous it is fucking ridiculous. 0.97
00:15:00.000 I know that sounds like bragging. 0.99
00:15:01.000 I didn't say I'm getting so rich it's effing ridiculous. 0.61
00:15:05.000 I said I'm getting so famous.
00:15:06.000 What's the benefit of that?
00:15:08.000 Groupies?
00:15:09.000 Yeah, groupies really want to be with a 48-year-old Wilford Brimley with AIDS.
00:15:14.000 Oh, they're really knocking down the door.
00:15:17.000 I was flirting with some waitress in London with Tommy Robinson and all those soccer hooligans and I'm like, hello love, you alright?
00:15:24.000 You're looking lovely.
00:15:26.000 Gavin's always been faithful to his wife, but it's not for want of trying!
00:15:44.000 And then everyone laughs?
00:15:46.000 Jesus Christ, those guys are like Vikings.
00:15:49.000 Every joke gets this uproarious applause and everyone bangs their pints.
00:15:52.000 They don't eat.
00:15:53.000 They're just pints smashing around. 1.00
00:15:56.000 Fucking fun. 0.99
00:15:57.000 Constantly riffing. 0.99
00:15:59.000 Anyway, uh, uh, so yeah, being famous is not cool.
00:16:04.000 Just selfies and it's like being a burn victim.
00:16:06.000 Like people start staring at you.
00:16:08.000 I, I go, I go, I'm walking to my dad's local, which is in Ottawa in, in the suburbs.
00:16:13.000 It used to be called Nepean.
00:16:15.000 And I'm way out by a strip mall on Merrillville Road, the middle of nowhere!
00:16:19.000 Car dealerships, you know, Costco. 0.61
00:16:22.000 And then one of these strip malls has like a shitty little bar called Local Heroes. 0.71
00:16:26.000 No offense, Local Heroes. 0.93
00:16:28.000 But, you know, you're in a strip mall.
00:16:31.000 You're a great bar.
00:16:31.000 Great people.
00:16:32.000 I love hosers. 1.00
00:16:33.000 They're all funny.
00:16:34.000 They're sort of like the soccer hooligans I just mentioned.
00:16:36.000 But I'm sorry if I'm not saying that your bar isn't the most quaint thing in the world.
00:16:40.000 It's hard to be quaint in a strip mall.
00:16:42.000 And I walk, get out of the van, right?
00:16:43.000 I've been on the road for a couple hours.
00:16:47.000 And there's two guys smoking in the parking lot. 1.00
00:16:49.000 And they go, holy shit! 0.99
00:16:51.000 That's the other thing too. 1.00
00:16:51.000 They don't go, oh, I think I recognize you. 1.00
00:16:53.000 They say, holy shit, like I was dead or something. 0.98
00:16:56.000 And then this other guy's like, you know, they're nice. 0.99
00:16:59.000 Sometimes they buy me a drink and stuff, but it's still...
00:17:02.000 I'm posing with a selfie and you know I'm going through the fucking I'm in Quebec later on and I'm going through the Tim Hortons drive-thru to get the kids some bagels and the French-Canadian guys goes hey I think I recognize you I know your face look hey you're Gavin I know from the YouTube or I'm in the I'm in the grocery store maybe an hour after that
00:17:23.000 And the guy's like, I know you, who you are.
00:17:25.000 Your face looks familiar.
00:17:26.000 Again and again and again.
00:17:27.000 I'm sorry to bore you with it.
00:17:28.000 But I eventually had to wear a disguise.
00:17:31.000 I wore these big oversized glasses and a baseball hat.
00:17:34.000 That said Molson Canadian and it was kind of colourful, so your eyes sort of go up and it actually works a treat.
00:17:40.000 Because all there has to be is a shadow of a doubt to stop you from coming over and going, hey, are you the guy?
00:17:46.000 So if you just add a little obfuscation, like some kooky glasses, their brain just shuts down.
00:17:52.000 It's like their facial recognition software is too sensitive and it breaks.
00:17:57.000 And they move on to the next visible thing.
00:18:01.000 But Tabernouche, it was rough.
00:18:03.000 So anyway, we're leaving Montreal, which is very close to the border.
00:18:07.000 It's only an hour from the border.
00:18:08.000 We're driving down there, and I like the souvenir shops for the reason I just told you. 0.89
00:18:13.000 The poutine thing seems stupid in a store full of Quebec stuff, but at your home in New York, you have all this cool Montreal bric-a-brac. 0.99
00:18:22.000 And we walk in, and this one, a lot of them suck. 0.99
00:18:25.000 Quebec is, Montreal's pretty good for jokes. 0.97
00:18:28.000 Like I saw a t-shirt that said, uh, Un bon avocat connaît la loi.
00:18:35.000 Un grand avocat connaît la judge.
00:18:39.000 A good lawyer knows the law.
00:18:40.000 A great lawyer knows the judge.
00:18:42.000 That's just a funny shirt in a souvenir shop.
00:18:47.000 But in Niagara Falls, which is post-apocalyptic, by the way, it's like some out of Mad Max, it's just a bunch of shirts with just a maple leaf and just, Canada.
00:18:57.000 What?
00:18:58.000 How many Canada shirts do I need?
00:19:01.000 Just shirt after shirt after shirt, Canada.
00:19:02.000 Not one funny shirt.
00:19:04.000 And I'm gonna make a shirt.
00:19:06.000 I'll probably draw this and have it on my show.
00:19:08.000 I'm gonna make a shirt that says, Niagara Balls. 0.99
00:19:13.000 And then coming from the bottom of the word Niagara is a big cartoon pair of balls. 0.96
00:19:17.000 But they're also being teabag- they're teabagging Niagara Falls. 0.99
00:19:21.000 Niagara Balls.
00:19:22.000 There's tons of hosers and bachelor parties. 1.00
00:19:25.000 It's kind of like Toronto's shitty Atlantic City, which I guess is Atlantic City. 0.75
00:19:33.000 So yeah, you could make money with funny shirts. 0.93
00:19:36.000 What's with all the Canada?
00:19:39.000 Hi, I have a Canada shirt on.
00:19:42.000 It is my country.
00:19:43.000 Here's the word and then two lines subtly stated and then a maple leaf.
00:19:49.000 That is all.
00:19:50.000 Thank you.
00:19:53.000 Anyway, so we go into this place.
00:19:54.000 It says souvenir.
00:19:55.000 It's right before the American border, and it says souvenir like the letter S is as big as a house.
00:20:00.000 Giant sign.
00:20:01.000 So we go in. 0.99
00:20:02.000 Let's get some crap on the way. 0.98
00:20:03.000 I get some socks that say Canada that are pot leaves. 0.98
00:20:06.000 That was pretty good.
00:20:08.000 And my son, my mister, uh, butt cheek what's wearing blue pants, just grabs a stuffed animal and runs out the door.
00:20:16.000 He's not leaving, okay?
00:20:18.000 He's a little kid.
00:20:19.000 He's gonna run outside and say, Mommy, can I have this or something?
00:20:23.000 But this Franco-Canadien runs out.
00:20:27.000 Hey, get back here with the barrel! 1.00
00:20:30.000 And she grabs him and brings him back.
00:20:31.000 Now, I know you Americans revere the French. 1.00
00:20:33.000 I'm from Quebec, where French people are stupid. 1.00
00:20:37.000 Love them! 1.00
00:20:38.000 The women are gorgeous, but they're not the brightest bulbs in the tree. 1.00
00:20:42.000 The origin of Quebec is the French missionaries came there and said, Hello, I would like to teach you about Jesus Christ, Montabarnac de Corles.
00:20:53.000 And the Indians said, yeah, that's a great idea. 1.00
00:20:55.000 Here, just stand by this tree while I tie you up. 0.86
00:20:58.000 Rip out all your fingernails. 0.98
00:20:59.000 Or no, they'd put pine branches in between the fingernails and the skin, just to really amp up the torture, and then burn them alive, and rip their skin off. 0.85
00:21:10.000 They were very kind, the Indians.
00:21:11.000 They were so sweet when we got here.
00:21:13.000 They just wanted to help.
00:21:14.000 That's why you're finding mass graves all over North America.
00:21:18.000 That's why they're finding bodies
00:21:20.000 With these divots and these holes all over the skeleton and the skull. 0.99
00:21:24.000 Because the Indians would shoot the dead body for about 10 minutes after with arrows so he'd be fucked in the afterlife. 1.00
00:21:31.000 So they were not angels. 0.99
00:21:33.000 When we got here. 0.99
00:21:34.000 Anyway, they tore the missionaries a new ass. 1.00
00:21:36.000 Likely, literally. 1.00
00:21:37.000 I bet some of these missionaries, they got in their pine cell with Bubba. 1.00
00:21:44.000 And then they got raped by a bunch of huge gay Indians. 1.00
00:21:49.000 They were probably crying as they bled to death. 1.00
00:21:53.000 Loser alert! 1.00
00:21:55.000 You're being raped, loser! 1.00
00:21:57.000 Same people, of course, are really finicky about female rape jokes. 1.00
00:22:02.000 That's just unthinkable. 0.98
00:22:03.000 But dudes getting raped? 1.00
00:22:07.000 James O'Keefe was facing jail time and all these politically correct liberals couldn't shut up about Bubba raping him. 0.98
00:22:15.000 As a side note, I don't have this strange, sadistic tendency when it comes to my enemies. 0.98
00:22:23.000 I don't want anyone to get raped. 0.64
00:22:26.000 I think of the worst people, like people who make my skin crawl, like Chris Hayes, or Michael Moore, or Rosie O'Donnell, or Jeremy Piven, who's not very political, but his face puts me in a bad mood.
00:22:39.000 I don't wish any harm on any of those people. 1.00
00:22:42.000 I mean, if someone's a pedophile, yeah, I'd love to chop their head off. 1.00
00:22:45.000 I could do it while on the phone. 1.00
00:22:46.000 I could be on the phone going, hey, where are you guys? 0.99
00:22:49.000 Okay, uh, I'll meet you there in, like, hold on, I'm just, uh, severing this pedophile's throat like halal. 1.00
00:22:54.000 I'm just sacrificing this human goat to the gods. 1.00
00:22:58.000 But, uh, oh, I just got blood all over my Zubas. 0.99
00:23:00.000 God damn it. 1.00
00:23:02.000 Thanks a lot, pedophile. 1.00
00:23:04.000 Anyway, I'm gonna be there in, I gotta change my Zubas. 1.00
00:23:06.000 I'll be, I'll be there in, like, ten minutes.
00:23:07.000 Bye. 1.00
00:23:08.000 That's how I could kill a pedophile. 1.00
00:23:11.000 No problem at all. 1.00
00:23:27.000 Rachel Maddow.
00:23:28.000 What harm would I like to do to her?
00:23:29.000 Nothing at all. 0.97
00:23:30.000 I have no incl- Imagine punching Rachel Maddow in the face. 0.99
00:23:34.000 Her nose would start bleeding. 0.97
00:23:35.000 She'd fall down.
00:23:36.000 She'd probably have to go to the hospital and get it corrected.
00:23:39.000 What have you done?
00:23:41.000 What have you done?
00:23:42.000 You changed her mind?
00:23:43.000 Well, that was a wake-up call, Gav.
00:23:45.000 Thanks.
00:23:46.000 Now, if someone's violent, I would like them to get a taste of their own medicine, because it works.
00:23:51.000 Worked with all the Nazi skinheads when I was a kid in the 80s. 1.00
00:23:57.000 Bunch of fucking goofs. 1.00
00:23:58.000 Punk gang came along, beat them all up. 1.00
00:23:59.000 They ceased to be. 0.86
00:24:00.000 Poof.
00:24:04.000 But they were violent. 0.95
00:24:05.000 They beat the crap out of people for wearing Dr. Martens. 0.99
00:24:07.000 You weren't allowed to have those boots if you weren't a Nazi skinhead. 0.99
00:24:10.000 They came to our shows. 0.74
00:24:11.000 They would beat up bands.
00:24:14.000 SNFU had an Asian singer, Mr. Chai Pig. 1.00
00:24:18.000 They would get on the stage and try to fight him.
00:24:20.000 Now luckily these were all hockey hosers, so they were happy to fight back. 1.00
00:24:23.000 And they didn't take any guff.
00:24:25.000 Same with MDC.
00:24:26.000 The MDC had a song called Skinhead.
00:24:27.000 Skinheads would come and try to beat up the band.
00:24:30.000 In fact, Dave MDC, who by the way is responsible for the chant, No War, No KKK, No Fascist USA.
00:24:36.000 That's an MDC song.
00:24:38.000 Thanks, Dave.
00:24:40.000 No war. 0.70
00:24:40.000 No KKK. 0.70
00:24:41.000 No Trump USA is the new version.
00:24:43.000 No war. 0.70
00:24:45.000 Done.
00:24:46.000 I mean, we're still in Afghanistan.
00:24:47.000 I'm impressed you care about Afghanistan.
00:24:50.000 Now you're into Middle East foreign policy?
00:24:52.000 Okay, that's fair.
00:24:53.000 Let's discuss.
00:24:54.000 I see you're a libertarian isolationist.
00:24:56.000 I share much of your views.
00:24:58.000 No KKK!
00:25:00.000 Uh, there is no KKK.
00:25:02.000 What?
00:25:02.000 The KKK?
00:25:04.000 How many members do they have?
00:25:05.000 Out of what's the population of America?
00:25:05.000 1,000?
00:25:08.000 360 million?
00:25:10.000 I always get that number wrong, by the way.
00:25:13.000 Uh, now I have to look it up.
00:25:16.000 Uh, no fascist USA?
00:25:19.000 Okay, done.
00:25:21.000 I love how you can just sit there with your genie bottle.
00:25:25.000 Yeah, I was right.
00:25:26.000 $325 million.
00:25:27.000 You can just sit there with your, like, snap your fingers and you can say to the left, I'll make all your dreams come true.
00:25:31.000 You ready?
00:25:32.000 Yes, please.
00:25:33.000 I catered here.
00:25:34.000 No problem, dude.
00:25:35.000 I'm a magic.
00:25:36.000 I'm a genie.
00:25:37.000 I want women to have the same rights as men.
00:25:40.000 Done.
00:25:40.000 Next.
00:25:41.000 Oh my god, you did it. 0.99
00:25:43.000 I want cops to stop hunting down black people for sport. 0.99
00:25:47.000 Done. 0.99
00:25:48.000 Anything else? 0.96
00:25:50.000 Holy crap! 0.97
00:25:51.000 I just looked outside. 0.88
00:25:52.000 It's working!
00:25:55.000 Wait a minute. 0.98
00:25:58.000 I want the war on trans people. 1.00
00:26:01.000 There's genocide against them right now. 0.99
00:26:03.000 They're being murdered in the streets for no reason.
00:26:05.000 I want that to stop.
00:26:07.000 Done.
00:26:08.000 Anything else? 0.97
00:26:10.000 The trans person just got beat up though. 1.00
00:26:12.000 Yeah, he didn't tell the Puerto Rican thug who took him home that he has a penis. 1.00
00:26:17.000 The guy got mad. 1.00
00:26:18.000 It's kind of rapey to make out with someone and then surprise them with a dink. 1.00
00:26:25.000 So I can't stop all those, but I did stop the genocide of trans people. 0.99
00:26:31.000 Okay, well I just don't want a fascist USA, alright?
00:26:36.000 Done!
00:26:37.000 How about no?
00:26:38.000 I don't want the KKK in the White House. 0.97
00:26:41.000 I don't want white supremacists in the White House. 0.95
00:26:44.000 Done. 0.98
00:26:44.000 Anything else? 0.98
00:26:45.000 Holy shit, you're good at this. 0.99
00:26:47.000 I thought genies only had three. 0.99
00:26:49.000 I've done like six.
00:26:51.000 I just want to be able to live in a world where if I work hard, I can be rewarded and get what I deserve, no matter who I am, no matter where I'm from. 0.97
00:26:58.000 Holy shit, that's like nine wishes. 0.98
00:27:02.000 You're the best genie ever. 0.99
00:27:03.000 Thank you.
00:27:05.000 Finally, someone recognizes that I'm better than Robin Williams in, uh, was it Aladdin?
00:27:11.000 Proud of your boy.
00:27:15.000 Anyway, so, this story's gone a little longer than I thought it would. 0.99
00:27:21.000 Uh, so, uh, we're at this stupid souvenir shop and, oh yeah, Franco-Canadiens. 1.00
00:27:26.000 So, after the missionaries got slaughtered by the Indians, the French said, alright, we gotta, this is like 1600, gotta play hardball. 0.99
00:27:32.000 So they sent down, ew, gross, you know what I'm doing right now?
00:27:35.000 You know that thing where people make learning cool?
00:27:38.000 That's one of my biggest pet peeves. 0.99
00:27:40.000 So Jesus, he says, what the fuck's going on? 1.00
00:27:43.000 You know, he's had enough of this shit. 1.00
00:27:45.000 So the archangel comes down, and he's a bit of a badass, and he's had enough of this crap. 1.00
00:27:52.000 Like, ooh, you made Jesus cool by putting the F word, and now the archangel's on a Harley. 0.97
00:27:57.000 Now I care.
00:28:00.000 They always say that in school textbooks.
00:28:03.000 Uh, no.
00:28:08.000 These analogies are fine.
00:28:09.000 It's a basket of fruit, okay?
00:28:10.000 How many apples are left when you take out three?
00:28:14.000 So, uh... Uh, then they sent soldiers down.
00:28:18.000 And I'm not disparaging soldiers, I'm not saying they have low IQs, but in 1600, soldiers tended not to be intellectuals.
00:28:27.000 Sorry.
00:28:29.000 So they come down and they just, instead of negotiating, they just kill everything and everyone.
00:28:33.000 Well, I shouldn't say that.
00:28:34.000 It was not a genocidal slaughter.
00:28:35.000 It was a real fight, one-on-one.
00:28:37.000 And eventually, the French kind of won, although they ended up banding with the English quite a bit, especially outside of Quebec, and forming
00:28:48.000 What's the word?
00:28:50.000 Allegiances there.
00:28:52.000 Which is really the only way to move into a country.
00:28:55.000 You gotta work with the guys.
00:28:58.000 And, uh... Done.
00:29:00.000 Alright, we have Quebec.
00:29:02.000 We've established an area, we got Quebec City, we got Montreal.
00:29:05.000 One problem, King Louis XIV, I am horny as a hoot owl.
00:29:11.000 And it's all dudes here. 0.99
00:29:13.000 And unlike Bubba Jokes, I don't enjoy anal intercourse with men. 0.99
00:29:18.000 And so the king goes, I have, there's a thing called a fille de roi, woman of the king. 1.00
00:29:24.000 And he decided he didn't like sluts and brassy broads, basically all cool fun chicks. 1.00
00:29:30.000 So he puts them on a boat and sends them down.
00:29:33.000 And they, they have big lips and then they start breeding with some of the Indians, which gives them a nice brown hue. 0.94
00:29:40.000 And they make the most insane babes in the world. 1.00
00:29:44.000 I think it is, I think it's why I moved there when I was 18. 0.96
00:29:48.000 Asian eyes with giant eyelashes, huge bee-stung lips, brown skin, jet black hair, half French prostitute, half brassy broad, those two are not mutually exclusive, and then half American Indian.
00:30:05.000 Nice! 1.00
00:30:08.000 Kinda dumb. 1.00
00:30:09.000 And so, uh, I don't mind if women are dumb, I'm a sexist, but, uh, dumb men get on my nerves. 1.00
00:30:15.000 And when they're married, they're really annoying. 1.00
00:30:18.000 And so we go to the souvenir shop, and she goes, get back here with that bear! 1.00
00:30:22.000 And, you know, I'm kind of territorial about my kids.
00:30:25.000 She's essentially accused my five-year-old of shoplifting.
00:30:29.000 But it is her bear, and she didn't hurt him.
00:30:31.000 She just said, get back here with the bear. 0.99
00:30:32.000 So I'm kind of mad, and I want to cause a scene.
00:30:34.000 I'm thinking of causing a scene, but then I'm kind of not.
00:30:37.000 You know that kind of thing?
00:30:38.000 This is where humor comes in.
00:30:40.000 And you can be passive-aggressive and a little facetious.
00:30:44.000 So, uh, I said to her, I don't think she realized that I was with the kid and all that.
00:30:49.000 And I go, wow, you really, that's good police work there.
00:30:53.000 And the dad, you know, he, he doesn't want any trouble.
00:30:55.000 And he's like, yes, yes.
00:30:56.000 I go, you caught him in the act, getting the criminals off the streets.
00:30:59.000 That was great there.
00:31:01.000 You keeping your bears, keeping the bears.
00:31:04.000 And she won't look at me.
00:31:05.000 And I guess cause she's mad, she knows what I'm doing.
00:31:08.000 And then he's trying to diffuse the situation with also with humor.
00:31:12.000 It's weird all the subtext that goes on here, right?
00:31:14.000 We're all animals at the end of the day.
00:31:16.000 So I'm like... And then he's like... And then the female wolf is like... 0.96
00:31:25.000 And he says, yeah, we're going to have to call the cops on that guy.
00:31:29.000 Like, I know you're right. 1.00
00:31:30.000 My wife's a cunt. 1.00
00:31:32.000 But the funny part about all this is the bizarre rituals of the French. 1.00
00:31:39.000 You know what they were eating?
00:31:40.000 They were sitting down to dinner, but they were behind the cash.
00:31:43.000 So there's the cash, right?
00:31:45.000 Then there's a big area.
00:31:46.000 There's usually just like four feet.
00:31:49.000 This is more like eight feet.
00:31:50.000 And then their back office.
00:31:52.000 And they had a table there with two office chairs.
00:31:54.000 I guess there's a lot of downtime, so they might as well do the books out in the open.
00:31:58.000 And they were having their dinner.
00:32:00.000 And their dinner consisted of a large plate of microwaved endomame.
00:32:05.000 My daughter used to call them pop pops.
00:32:07.000 You know those little peas that you squeeze and they pop out?
00:32:10.000 Kind of like string beans?
00:32:12.000 Asian string beans?
00:32:14.000 So they've got, uh, they're popping them and they're putting the endomame skins in a different plate.
00:32:20.000 Uh, that's weird.
00:32:22.000 It's weird to sit down with a plate of hot endomames with your wife. 0.99
00:32:26.000 Hi, honey! 0.99
00:32:28.000 Like, imagine you go to a restaurant, we'll just get two large plates of endomame and absolutely nothing else, not even bread.
00:32:34.000 Okay.
00:32:36.000 Are you homeless?
00:32:38.000 And then, of course, the French, they need their vin. 1.00
00:32:42.000 They need their wine.
00:32:43.000 Even if you look at French talk shows.
00:32:46.000 You'll notice that the contestants will have a glass of wine, like on the TV set. 0.98
00:32:50.000 There's this fucking amazing politician that I'll discuss more on the show, because you need to see it. 0.99
00:32:56.000 His name is Manon Massé, and he is a proud feminist lesbian. 0.99
00:33:01.000 He has gorgeous, long, white hair.
00:33:03.000 You can see him on my Instagram if you check the Gavin2000.
00:33:06.000 Or you can just look him up, M-A-N-O-N, which is like man, no. 0.99
00:33:11.000 I don't know if he's meaning to do that.
00:33:13.000 Massé is M-A-S-S-E.
00:33:16.000 And Manon Marcello, he is the head of the Québec Solidaire Parti, and they are sort of separatists, but they know that that's not good for the economy, so they say, we want it, but we're not going to push it.
00:33:29.000 Whatever the hell that means.
00:33:31.000 Yeah, yeah, you supermodels can stay at my house. 1.00
00:33:33.000 I promise I won't hit on you.
00:33:34.000 I just like you around.
00:33:36.000 And here, get drunk.
00:33:37.000 Have some vin.
00:33:40.000 And he, the Quebec Solidaire Party is this bizarre party of sort of separatists who are super francophone.
00:33:45.000 They have two leaders, because they don't think one person should be a leader, so it's Manon Massé and this guy who just, you look at his face and he looks like he has an IQ of 80. 0.96
00:33:53.000 He looks like a very nice, handsome, young, dumb man. 0.94
00:33:56.000 Which I guess is Quebec in a nutshell. 0.99
00:33:59.000 We used to call them Pepsis.
00:34:00.000 Because Pepsi is cheaper than Coke and French people are poor. 1.00
00:34:03.000 So we call them Peppers or Pepsis.
00:34:05.000 And they'll fight you if they hear you say that.
00:34:07.000 You gotta watch it.
00:34:08.000 It's the N-word of Quebec.
00:34:12.000 So she's with some pepper.
00:34:14.000 And she.
00:34:14.000 He!
00:34:15.000 He has a mustache!
00:34:17.000 He has a tiny John Waters mustache that he covers in foundation.
00:34:21.000 But still maintains.
00:34:22.000 Doesn't shave. 1.00
00:34:23.000 And he has huge tits. 1.00
00:34:26.000 And is a beautiful feminist woman with a penis and giant tits and Quebec thinks that's normal. 1.00
00:34:32.000 It's the best thing about Canada and the worst thing about Canada. 1.00
00:34:36.000 And that is there's no rules.
00:34:39.000 There's no old money.
00:34:40.000 All the rich are nouveau riche.
00:34:43.000 You could show up to a dinner party, especially in Quebec, which is the most modern, open-minded, whatever town, and you could have three wives.
00:34:52.000 And you could be like, these are my three wives.
00:34:54.000 I'm here for the dinner party.
00:34:56.000 And they go, okay, let's get another chair.
00:34:57.000 Like, no one would blink an eye.
00:34:59.000 You could have facial tattoos.
00:35:01.000 You could have, you could have three husbands. 1.00
00:35:04.000 You could be a man and show up at a dinner party with three husbands.
00:35:07.000 And these are my three husbands.
00:35:09.000 Uh, Sean LaDuke, this is Gaston.
00:35:12.000 And, uh, this is, uh, uh, uh, Sebastian.
00:35:16.000 And we are in the love.
00:35:17.000 I'd like to, if we stay here tonight, I'd like to stay in a big king's eyes.
00:35:22.000 Maybe you have two king's eyes you put together?
00:35:27.000 And no one would bat an eye.
00:35:28.000 That's fine.
00:35:30.000 So, no one bats an eye at Manon Massé.
00:35:33.000 And when he's on a game show, you can probably find this on YouTube, but he's got a glass of wine.
00:35:37.000 Anyway, this couple, not only did they have endomame, but they had, we call them in Canada serviettes, I believe you call them napkins, they had napkins on their wine glass.
00:35:49.000 Each!
00:35:50.000 So it's a plate of endomame in the middle, another plate for the shells, the skins, and then a glass of white wine each, covered with a little napkin like it's a nun, like someone's gonna roofie you. 0.69
00:36:05.000 Are you both scared that you're gonna roofie each other?
00:36:08.000 Is that what happens at this souvenir shop when we're not trying to steal your bears? 1.00
00:36:14.000 What the fuck? 1.00
00:36:15.000 What are you doing? 1.00
00:36:17.000 Are there fruit flies everywhere?
00:36:17.000 Why?
00:36:20.000 Why is there a napkin?
00:36:21.000 And it's not like it's an area where people walk by, and even then, what's gonna happen?
00:36:26.000 Someone's gonna shake dandruff into your wine?
00:36:29.000 It's totally secluded.
00:36:30.000 It's behind the cache.
00:36:33.000 I wish I got a picture that I was kicking myself after. 0.99
00:36:37.000 Damn, those frogs are weird, are they not? 0.98
00:36:42.000 Anyway, it was fun seeing my old buddies. 0.99
00:36:45.000 Eric DeGraw was there.
00:36:47.000 We used to call him Dog Boy in high school, because we thought he was ugly.
00:36:50.000 But it's just that he had strong features, like Brad Pitt.
00:36:54.000 And then all these women were fawning over him.
00:36:55.000 And we went, oh, he's gorgeous.
00:36:57.000 Whoops.
00:36:58.000 Sorry, Dog Boy.
00:37:02.000 We went to some steakhouse that was $450.
00:37:03.000 Moishes. 0.86
00:37:08.000 And then went to a bunch of bars, and I have to wear my disguise!
00:37:11.000 It is kinda cool wearing the disguise, though.
00:37:13.000 It's like being free again. 0.99
00:37:15.000 No selfies, no holy shits. 0.99
00:37:17.000 No, uh, you're the guy from that thing. 0.96
00:37:20.000 So I walked around a little bit as a free man, but I gotta say, Montreal is a great place to visit for the kids.
00:37:26.000 Old Montreal is awesome.
00:37:28.000 I hear it has a pirate ship with a zipline that I missed, but the... 0.99
00:37:31.000 Fuckin' a scientific museum. 0.97
00:37:34.000 There's a big, right now there's a big DreamWorks display that shows you them drawing Kung Fu Panda and all this stuff and they show you the wireframes and all that sort of animation stuff. 0.99
00:37:45.000 Big, beautiful display. 0.98
00:37:46.000 Tons of awesome shit. 0.99
00:37:47.000 So much better than Niagara Falls where I paid $75 to look at a bunch of pictures of the world's tallest man and a bunch of sculptures and stuff. 1.00
00:37:57.000 Nothing really real.
00:37:59.000 Just a bunch of newspaper articles.
00:38:00.000 What a G.I.P.
00:38:01.000 Niagara Falls is.
00:38:05.000 But, uh, they have this DreamWorks thing that is awesome, and then upstairs they have the Science Museum that's all for kids, and there's these cool, like, workshops where you go and you have a challenge.
00:38:15.000 The challenge could be- there's about ten different booths filled with parents, too.
00:38:19.000 In fact, this particular booth was mostly dads, and it's-
00:38:23.000 Here's a little mini wind tunnel with a ramp.
00:38:26.000 Build a car that uses wind power.
00:38:28.000 So just basically build a four-wheeled vehicle with a little sail and they give you all this felt and material and stuff and little wheels and then you make it your own.
00:38:39.000 Johnny, Johnny just had two wheels and a stick because he's five.
00:38:43.000 But the wind was so strong that his just, it was foam wheels like from a pool noodle.
00:38:47.000 So his just went whipping.
00:38:49.000 He won.
00:38:50.000 Mine collapsed as soon as the wind hit it.
00:38:53.000 But, uh, they could have been there all day.
00:38:56.000 I think it's a French thing, you know?
00:38:57.000 Because you go to Paris, too, and it's so unlike New York or even Toronto, where there's just like a kids' play thing there and a park here, and they really hammer the kids' friendly thing home.
00:39:08.000 I bet it would be fun to be a kid in Paris growing up in, say, Malmart or something.
00:39:13.000 And I feel the same way about Montreal.
00:39:16.000 Big!
00:39:17.000 There's the Mount Royal, where... Jesus, you gotta see this if you ever go to Montreal.
00:39:22.000 There's a giant statue.
00:39:24.000 It's just called the Statue of Montreal.
00:39:25.000 I think it's Sir Jacques Cartier.
00:39:28.000 And it's a big angel and stuff, and a bunch of frogs.
00:39:31.000 It's like a hundred feet high.
00:39:33.000 And everyone goes there every Sunday.
00:39:35.000 They call it Les Tam-Tams.
00:39:36.000 Very creative name.
00:39:38.000 You'll notice that with primitive people. 1.00
00:39:40.000 Their names are very literal.
00:39:42.000 Like there's an aboriginal tribe in Taiwan, the Taiwanese, the genuine Taiwanese. 1.00
00:39:47.000 And they're fucking hot as shit too, like brown Asians. 1.00
00:39:53.000 And their word for cat is meow. 1.00
00:39:55.000 That's a meow.
00:39:57.000 Not a very advanced culture.
00:39:59.000 Anyway, this unadvanced culture called peppers
00:40:01.000 Has a thing called the Tam Tams, and there's maybe a thousand people there on a Sunday, every Sunday, playing drums.
00:40:08.000 Nothing else!
00:40:10.000 And the only people that aren't playing drums are dancing to drums.
00:40:19.000 Just dancing around to drums.
00:40:20.000 We used to go there and just laugh our asses off.
00:40:23.000 If you get stoned and go to the Tam-Tams, because they're all hippies, the Quebecois, and you want to see people dance to drums wearing gypsy pants with little bells on their ankles and stuff. 0.92
00:40:34.000 I highly recommend the Tam-Tams. 1.00
00:40:36.000 But anyway, we were there on a Friday, far from the Tam-Tam day, so it was just abandoned. 0.55
00:40:41.000 But there's a park next to it across the road and there's
00:40:44.000 Five different play sets, and a little mini pool for kids, and swings, and several soccer fields, and... It's awesome.
00:40:53.000 My kids loved it there.
00:40:55.000 Everywhere they went was fun.
00:40:56.000 And even when you take kids to a restaurant, you don't get this sort of eye-rolling animosity you get in Manhattan, where they go, oh, why'd you bring kids to a restaurant?
00:41:06.000 That includes 21-year-olds.
00:41:07.000 They want every... Manhattan wants everyone to be 35.
00:41:12.000 We're good to go.
00:41:27.000 It's an island of animosity where no one really belongs.
00:41:32.000 Puerto Ricans don't know what the Wall Streeters are doing there. 0.99
00:41:35.000 The Wall Streeters don't know what the Puerto Ricans are doing there. 1.00
00:41:38.000 And the Harlem Blacks hate the Brooklyn Blacks. 0.97
00:41:41.000 The Upper East Side Jews, they resent the Hasidic Jews in Williamsburg. 0.99
00:41:45.000 I mean, it's just like, what are you doing here?
00:41:50.000 That should be the license plates.
00:41:53.000 New York State, what are you doing here?
00:41:55.000 It should have a big sign.
00:41:56.000 Actually, there is a sign when you go on the Brooklyn Bridge.
00:41:58.000 It says, Welcome to Brooklyn!
00:42:00.000 Oy vey! 0.99
00:42:02.000 You know, their big donations to the mayor got them that... that Hasidic slang.
00:42:08.000 No, it's Yiddish, I guess. 0.99
00:42:10.000 Anyway, what a dumb tangent. 0.96
00:42:13.000 So yeah, I'll just recap what I did. 0.96
00:42:16.000 Niagara Falls, Niagara-on-the-Lake,
00:42:19.000 Pickering for a brief minute, Belleville for a second, and then I stayed at my friend's farm which is near Perth, which was awesome.
00:42:26.000 Oh yeah, that was the beginning of the story. 0.98
00:42:28.000 I was talking to my wife about an ideal vacation and we talked about Atlantis with the water park and how expensive it was and you end up like, I don't know, fucking $6,000 in the hole. 0.71
00:42:37.000 And I go, my ideal vacation would just be a lake house. 0.97
00:42:41.000 It could be a crappy cabin.
00:42:43.000 And just a lake and just to sit in a lawn chair like we used to do in the old days in Canada and just drink a six-pack and pee in the chair because the chair is underwater.
00:42:50.000 And nothing else.
00:42:51.000 Maybe read a book and not travel.
00:42:53.000 But you can't really do that because the kids need someone to play with.
00:42:56.000 And you're not, you're only as happy as your saddest kid.
00:42:59.000 So if you're, if two of your kids are having fun and one is bored, you're not happy because you got to get that kid, the last kid rocking.
00:43:08.000 It's like owning a fleet of 18-wheelers.
00:43:11.000 If one 18-wheeler is broken down, your fleet isn't working.
00:43:14.000 All the trucks have to be in working order for you to make a profit.
00:43:19.000 So we go to my friend's farm and he's built himself a little mini lake with backhoe.
00:43:24.000 It's incredibly complicated digging a swimming hole, but he's a nature nut and he managed to figure it out after three years of fighting mother nature tooth and nail.
00:43:32.000 And he's got kids my kid's age.
00:43:34.000 Perfect vacation.
00:43:36.000 He makes honey there.
00:43:37.000 We made honey with him.
00:43:39.000 Checked out the bees.
00:43:41.000 Our kids played together.
00:43:42.000 They made a kid hotel above the wood pile and a sort of crawl space.
00:43:48.000 Interesting conversations with a guy I've known since 1990. 0.98
00:43:53.000 Can't believe he's fucking 60 now. 0.99
00:43:55.000 Jesus Christ. 0.99
00:43:57.000 He was my old boss when I was a tree planter.
00:43:59.000 And then we went to my parents' house, which was fun, short and sweet.
00:44:02.000 And then we went to Montreal and came back.
00:44:07.000 We rented a big fancy van.
00:44:08.000 What do you call them?
00:44:10.000 A sprinter.
00:44:10.000 You don't have to do that.
00:44:12.000 But I highly recommend it.
00:44:14.000 What we did in the van was it had a big TV screen so the kids could watch movies so a two-hour trip feels like nothing to them because they're not bored.
00:44:22.000 But we got to see a lot of variety and I like Niagara Falls. 0.98
00:44:25.000 I like that it's trashy because I'm trash. 0.98
00:44:29.000 Like my wife's mom is from the res. 0.99
00:44:33.000 It's in our DNA. 0.97
00:44:35.000 So we kind of like, I kind of like a bit of trash and then a bit of niceness.
00:44:39.000 Like we stayed at a seedy hotel in Niagara Falls that had a water park in it called Americana. 0.63
00:44:45.000 And that was kind of gross and you don't want to walk on the carpet in the room without your shoes on.
00:44:51.000 And the water park reeks of chlorine.
00:44:54.000 So we stay there for a couple days and then we go to a super nice hotel that overlooks Niagara Falls for the last day.
00:45:00.000 Get a bit of variety there.
00:45:01.000 I like road trips.
00:45:02.000 It's a good vacation.
00:45:03.000 I don't think I'm going to do inclusive parks anymore. 0.99
00:45:07.000 You're just sitting on your ass, drinking $8 beers, talking to strangers. 0.99
00:45:12.000 That's no fun. 1.00
00:45:14.000 I may rather run into old pals like my old buddy Dale.
00:45:16.000 We were best friends when we were 8, and he shows me my- our yearbook from 4th grade, or as we say in Canada, grade 4.
00:45:22.000 That's fun.
00:45:23.000 That sort of replenishes you, you know?
00:45:25.000 When you visit old friends, you realize who shaped you.
00:45:29.000 Who formed your personality.
00:45:31.000 We're all, uh, we're all results of our environment to a large extent.
00:45:35.000 Although, I think 80% is- is nature.
00:45:38.000 But that's still a lot.
00:45:39.000 20% of nurture.
00:45:40.000 That's still a lot of nurture, guys.
00:45:41.000 I know you lefties like to think it's the other way around, but it's not.
00:45:46.000 You are who you are from birth, but you're still shaped by the people around you.
00:45:49.000 To the tune of 1 out of 10.
00:45:52.000 Right?
00:45:52.000 No, 2 out of 10.
00:45:53.000 Alright, I'm being boring now.
00:45:54.000 I'm going too long.
00:45:55.000 Uh, no sponsors anymore.
00:45:58.000 I've been dumped, I guess.
00:45:59.000 No, I think they're all sort of... They tend to do these short-lived runs of three and five and two times.
00:46:07.000 But I will push my own show on CRTV.com.
00:46:10.000 There's CRTV Tonight, which airs this Friday.
00:46:13.000 I don't know who our guests are.
00:46:15.000 I've been away.
00:46:15.000 It'll be fun, though.
00:46:17.000 Then there's Get Off My Lawn, which is Monday to Thursday on one week and Monday to Tuesday the other week.
00:46:22.000 Then there's After Hours, where we take a guest from CRTV Tonight and have a more involved discussion, because CRTV Tonight is just a quick talk show, where you can have a glass of wine.
00:46:31.000 If you're French-Canadian from now on, you get a glass of wine. 0.98
00:46:34.000 Holy shit, I would kill to get Manon Massé on that show. 1.00
00:46:37.000 But he can't speak English, which is amazing in Quebec. 0.99
00:46:41.000 Not speaking English.
00:46:42.000 Quebec is in North America, and maybe in rural Rwanda,
00:46:47.000 In the North of Quebec, I understand that you're unilingual, but to be in Montreal, and to be involved in politics, and to not speak any—to have real trouble speaking English, that's an accomplishment. 0.96
00:46:58.000 That's tricky.
00:46:59.000 It's like being a 40-year-old virgin. 1.00
00:47:02.000 And then of course there's this podcast which would be idiotic to promote because you're listening to it into your ear holes right now. 0.97
00:47:13.000 I might record a few more of these this week because I'm still on vacation so I got time. 0.95
00:47:17.000 Maybe I'll try to catch up on the hole I've dug by being away for so long.
00:47:20.000 I might do one tomorrow.
00:47:21.000 We'll see.
00:47:22.000 Stay tuned to find out.