In this episode, the boys talk about strip clubs, farting in public, and the worst thing a woman can do in front of her significant other's parents. Also, the girls talk about their favorite childhood nicknames and what they do to their significant other s parents when they first meet them. Enjoy the episode and remember to leave us a review on Apple Podcasts, and don t forget to rate, review and subscribe to our other shows Comedy Bang Bang! and Comedy Bang! Subscribe to our new show Hosted by John Rocha and Matt Knost Subscribe and comment to stay up to date with the latest comedy and stand-up comedy! Logo by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. All rights reserved. Used by permission. Please do not use this music unless otherwise specified. We do not own the rights to any of the music used in this episode. This episode was produced and produced by us. Thank you for any amount you pay for this podcast. The opinions expressed is our own and does not necessarily reflect those of our record labels. or any other third parties. If you have any objections, we do not claim ownership to the music, credit given to any other artists, other than those of their work or services provided by their respective record labels, we are not responsible for their work, etc., etc. Thank you. . We are not affiliated with any third parties, etc. We are working with any other person s or other third party or service provider. Thanks for any other entity providing their fair use of this podcast or service provided by our clients, etc.. thank you for their services and we have no claim to use this material used in any of our work, other such compensation. You are not required to provide their services, other said credit or promotion or representation except that which is not appreciated unless otherwise noted , etc. etc., it is not claimed or compensation is being compensated for this material being provided by any other such thing . or such other compensation is in any other than that of any such thing being provided ? by the public service or such such thing . Thank you etc. etc., of course, we have not received any other compensation, we are in no way compensated.
Transcript
Transcripts from "Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes" are sourced from the Knowledge Fight Interactive Search Tool. You can also explore and interact with the transcripts here.
00:01:05.000This is the clubs my dad went to when he was, you know, alive.
00:01:11.000And this is the club's all men, she really went off, we were discussing this via email, she really went off on like a two paragraph thing and she said, you know, they got rid of these men's clubs and what did men do?
00:01:21.000They ended up going to strip clubs to congregate, to be, the term she used was so they could make fart jokes, they could fart in public and not have to pull out chairs for women.
00:01:33.000It's funny that we started a club so we can fart.
00:01:36.000We started a place where we can fart freely and not have to say, I'm sorry.
00:01:40.000But that is true, by the way, about farting in front of men.
00:01:45.000We just go, holy shit, man, you're really sick.
00:01:48.000Like you could, a guy could, a guy could fart next to you at work in an all male environment and you, and it could be the worst fart you ever smelled in your life.
00:02:24.000She probably did what most women do, where they use an entire toilet roll, wiping, and they ball it up into like, it's a big giant oven mitt of toilet paper, and then that clogs.
00:02:35.000Anyway, she clogged it up and she left some large turds there.
00:02:37.000It's every person's, not every woman's, but every person's nightmare, is that when you meet your significant other's parents, they have to look at your feces.
00:03:56.000I know a guy named Joe Man, and he got his nickname in high school when they were learning about different mans, like there was Cro-Magnon Man, and apparently there was a time in our history when we were known as Joe Man, and this guy liked coffees, a cup of Joe, so everyone called him Joe Man.
00:04:12.000And he told me he knew that was his real name when he was having sex and some girl was like, fuck me, Joe Man.
00:04:19.000Anyway, so Anne was saying, yeah, these men end up going to strip clubs where there's no
00:04:25.000Ladies there, there's plenty of women, but there's no ladies at a strip club.
00:04:29.000And I think the female perspective on strip clubs is that it's a bunch of disgusting, horny men just going, oh yeah, drooling and panting and I wouldn't mind touching those tits.
00:04:55.000But we'll just remove that part of the argument because it's inconvenient for my thesis.
00:04:59.000And my thesis is, it's actually a beautiful place.
00:05:03.000Like, sometimes it's so beautiful, sometimes I get jealous.
00:05:07.000Because there'll be this woman, she'll come out to, say, Gangster's Paradise, and she's incredibly sexy, and I was just saying earlier to some co-workers, I have no idea what that's like, to be incredibly sexy.
00:05:20.000That must be a trip, you know what I mean, guys?
00:05:25.000This is probably why these lunatics like Stephanie, that's how it's spelled, had his name Stephanie and he just became a woman, abandoned his kids.
00:05:34.000But I think a lot of it is guys go, that must be awesome to have stilettos on and just know everyone in the room is dying to bone you.
00:05:46.000It must feel pretty powerful just standing there being incredibly attractive and knowing that guys are going, oh, okay, try to think about something else.
00:06:00.000Meanwhile, men have this little guy on an exercise bike in the back of their mind thinking about sex constantly.
00:06:06.000I've said this before, but even when your friend's fat grandmother brings you some gnocchi, part of you is like, if she had lingerie on, we could probably work something out.
00:06:16.000Always that that machine's always going so all you can do is just throw a tarp on it and be like don't worry about that Like you know those those blankets used for painting a big white canvas sheet.
00:06:26.000You just throw it over the guy on the bike Well, we'll get through the day.
00:06:29.000I can hang out with incredibly beautiful women.
00:06:44.000I think that's why men send dick pics, because they temporarily forget that we are totally fucking different, totally different to our cores.
00:06:56.000And they pretend that women are like men.
00:07:26.000Men seem to be able to ignore this and wear flip-flops, which boggles the mind.
00:07:30.000But if you look at a man's inner thigh, honestly, if an alien landed here,
00:07:35.000He could look at a naked lady and a naked man, and he would go, uh, this one is the hot one, I don't know what- this guy better be smart, or better be a good provider or something, because this is not working.
00:07:47.000That's- another possibility is he forgot genitalia on the assembly line, and went, oh shit, and at the last minute just went, and stuck on a penis and balls, and Adam was sort of going, what the f- are you kidding me?
00:08:13.000I think women actually have developed this trait where they kind of like how gross we are.
00:08:19.000Like they appreciate a beer belly and a hairy back and they like sort of sexually being dominated by this disgusting guy who looks like a Russian janitor with like a shitty mustache and his comb over sort of falling off.
00:08:32.000Like they get into the ugliness of it.
00:08:34.000They're sort of like metalheads, death metalheads in that sense, where they can appreciate the horror that is a naked man.
00:08:43.000That's why I'm so jealous, or I get jealous, or I used to get jealous when I go to strip clubs, because I thought, I couldn't imagine coming out to my favorite song, let's say, Runnin' with the Boss Sound by Generation X. Well, I'm rockabilly beat now, and... I forgot the words.
00:08:59.000And as I'm dancing around nude, these women are sitting, sipping their beers, just mesmerized by my balls and cock.
00:09:23.000You know, in Montreal they have full nudity and women will bend over listening to Gangster's Paradise by Coolio or some other stripper song and they will do their pole dance, which is pretty impressive, by the way, those pole dances.
00:10:26.000Oh, because it appeared... I've been to strip club and it is indistinguishable from ladies, what ladies do when they are naked trying to seduce men.
00:11:07.000bending over with your big long bag hanging down your hairy asshole with a hemorrhoid on it and there's a woman sipping a Coors Light just in awe of the beauty that is before her the unmitigated sculpted chiseled scrotum that is lying hanging in front of her and just like and if she touches you I did it sort of did a sketch on this if women are as horny as men
00:11:37.000Our woman is horny as men, it's called.
00:11:39.000And if she were to dare follow her impulses and just touch your sacred bag with one finger, just like one, just poke one swinging ball, she would instantly be removed, kicked out of the club on her ass, maybe roughed up on the way out.
00:11:53.000It's a different... The fact that we pretend that women are the same as men, nowhere is that more evident than in the strip club.
00:11:59.000Go to a strip club for women, and it's the least sexual thing around.
00:13:09.000Some of the men are pretty darn lonely, I think.
00:13:11.000Like, when you see a guy off in the corner and he's paying her $20 per song, but not to grind him, to listen to him talk about how the custody went so bad for him and how he only sees his kids once a week at best.
00:14:41.000When I hear the accent, I think of sexual slavery.
00:14:44.000I think of some Romanian street urchin who's been stolen by a snakehead and smuggled here in a container, and now she's like the Tina Turner song, Private Dancer.
00:15:30.000Maybe it's because my libido was developed in the 80s with the ZZ Top video legs and all these girls wore little frilly ankle socks with red high heel shoes and I'm just like, you could put that on my dad and I would go, wow, looking fucking hot dad.
00:15:46.000And you could put it on a horse and I would say that horse is, I'm not going to fuck it, but that's a pretty hot horse.
00:16:57.000Anyway, so she's wearing those but she has black socks on.
00:17:02.000And I said, uh, we were smiling at her and we go, we like your socks!
00:17:07.000And she thinks we're fucking with her.
00:17:08.000Probably she can tell that we're white guys and, you know, we're not Puerto Rican and we're not from the neighborhood.
00:17:13.000We're kind of dressed hipster and she senses that there's some irony in this visit.
00:17:17.000There's zero irony in the visit, my dear.
00:17:20.000And so she leans down and her breasts, she's a Puerto Rican, she's probably had three kids by the age of 20, and so her breasts are pendulous.
00:17:27.000You get, you know, flabbier tits when you have more kids, which I'm a big fan of.
00:17:32.000Another thing women don't understand about men, our spectrum of what's attractive widens greatly as we get older.
00:17:39.000So, when you're 19 and a girl can fit one pencil under her tit, you want to throw up.
00:17:44.000When you're 48, if a girl doesn't have a zit on her ass, you're like, get her out of here.
00:18:18.000And I look at him after she leaves and I'm like, could you say a less sexy thing in the English language than socks are for medicinal purposes?
00:18:30.000The best that gets is their orthopedic support socks.
00:18:36.000Worst scenario is she has eczema or psoriasis or something and she has flaky sores all over her toes and feet and the bottom of her feet she has athlete's foot and so she has to sort of
00:18:48.000Squirt like Armin Hammer rub A535 Nivea sauce in her socks and then put on her socks that are wet with creams.
00:19:03.000That was the end of that fucking vibe.
00:19:56.000And laughing our heads off and then we'd finally you know it's easy to get parking and then you wander in and it's just like a bunch of dudes staring at buttholes making you jealous that you don't have that kind of admiration and then you just want to go home after.
00:21:20.000But, after they were done talking to all the coke dealers and everything, they would come back to us because they were bored and we were funny.
00:21:27.000So then we would just hang out for free and make jokes and stuff and get to know them.
00:21:32.000Holy shit, I just remembered I got one of their phone numbers once!
00:21:36.000And I thought, this can't be the real phone number, and we were wasted, and it was like five in the morning, and I called her, and she was Puerto Rican, and her mom answered.
00:21:44.000And her mom was like, do you think that's normal to call someone at five in the morning?
00:21:56.000So I'm hanging out with Sharky, and there's this probably a coke dealer, a Russian illegal guy doing illegal stuff, and he had an all-white tracksuit on.
00:22:05.000And we go to the bathroom, probably to do some bumps, and I'm in the bathroom, and he has a red stain, a small red little dime-sized circle on his sweatpants.
00:22:25.000And he was trying to block it out, and I sympathize with him.
00:22:28.000You know, when you do that, like, when there's something that's terrible, your brain doesn't want to give it to you all in one dose, so it sort of doles out the truth.
00:22:36.000Like, if you lose your wallet, your brain goes, you didn't lose it, you didn't lose it, it could be another pants, it could be another pants.
00:22:50.000Sometimes if I'm checking to see if I lost my wallet, like when I'm wearing pants, I won't just grab my butt where my wallet is, because it's too much information.
00:22:58.000And if the news is bad, then you'll just have a heart attack.
00:23:00.000So I'll just sort of start on the seam of my pants, and sort of creep towards the pocket, so you'll, you know, if there's nothing there, you slowly get the news that your back pocket is empty.
00:23:12.000He was doing that with his menstrual leg.
00:23:15.000And me and Sharky just go, dude, you know what that is.
00:23:20.000And he's got a paper towel and it's all wet and he's furiously scrubbing his white track pants.
00:23:25.000And we're looking at him and we're basically just saying, dude, let the truth seep in.
00:23:30.000Just like the menstrual stains seeped into your pants, you have to let the truth seep into your brain that there's nothing else that could possibly be.
00:23:38.000What, did someone prick you with the pin on your thigh?
00:26:34.000But there's these so... God, it's so exhausting.
00:26:37.000It's funny how liberals demand that you follow all their rules, and when you even sort of peel back one layer of the onion to look at their rules, you go, this is like a really long homework assignment.
00:26:47.000You know, you chained it from black to person of color.
00:26:49.000Why do you gotta make everything so much harder?
00:26:51.000Can't you just be like, I'm sick of you racists.
00:29:15.000Like you wouldn't want to hear, I wouldn't do a podcast of dudes hanging out because you'd think it was a bunch of gastro, uh, intestinologist, gastro, and what the fuck are they called?
00:29:25.000You know those guys, gastroenterologists, whatever.
00:29:28.000They do astronomy by looking at your anus with a camera.
00:29:32.000They give you a colonoscopy and then they tell your
00:29:34.000What your sign is, so they're called gastroenterologists.
00:29:41.000But yeah, the way we talk about disgusting stuff and like horrible accidents, like yeah, yeah.
00:29:47.000No, he dropped the tractor bucket, hit his toe, and he had to take his toes off.
00:30:04.000And uh, we noticed the jar on his windowsill over time, the green left the poo.
00:30:09.000And it sort of, this is a little tiny nugget by the way, and it left the poo and sort of surrounded the poo in like a green, like an orb, like it was a green lantern poo.
00:30:20.000It had magical powers, it could turn into anything it wanted to, but it chose to remain as poo.
00:30:28.000If you're still poor, and you can't make ends meet, you're choosing to remain as poo.
00:30:35.000So, uh, yeah, if women could, like, also this thing with Proud Boys where you get beat up, that started in high school with me, where if you fart, you have to say safety, and if someone says slut before you say safety, everyone gets to beat you up.
00:30:50.000Can you imagine one of these trans women having to go through that?
00:32:23.000Like, David Bowie, during his glam years, is more feminine than you.
00:32:28.000So why did you- it's sort of like moving to China and then just hanging out at the Hard Rock Cafe in Beijing and never meeting any Chinese people and not learning Chinese.
00:32:37.000Why'd you go all the way to fucking China?
00:33:51.000If you identify as female and you're cis, please don't make yourself bleed.
00:33:57.000But at least they say we definitely do get PMS.
00:34:01.000So, on the 28th day of their cycle, they get moody and irrational.
00:34:06.000And the amazing thing about this, I'll probably say this on CRTV tonight because we're doing a segment on it, but why do you want all the shitty stuff about being a chick?
00:34:14.000Feminists are kind of smart when they whine.
00:34:16.000They go, we want to be in action movies, we want to be movie directors, we want to go to strip clubs, we want all the fun stuff.
00:34:25.000And they never complain about their lack of representation in sanitation,
00:37:56.000I definitely remember, I was maybe 16, and I was breathtakingly gorgeous.
00:38:01.000And I think I remember this woman catcalling me.
00:38:04.000Like, oh yeah, wouldn't mind a piece of that, yeah.
00:38:08.000That, I believe, is the only time in my 48 years, and that was maybe 8 seconds, and they could have been being sarcastic.
00:38:14.000That's the only time I've experienced it.
00:38:15.000Now, basically every girl who's like a 5.9 and up gets it on a daily basis of just dudes just going, what a fucking fox.
00:38:26.000Even like a 5 if she's wearing, you know, high heel shoes and socks and there's some cleavage happening and she's managed to grow her hair.
00:38:47.000It could be sweatpants and a hockey jersey.
00:38:51.000As long as there's high-heeled shoes at the bottom and long hair at the top.
00:38:54.000And you don't have to wear high-heeled shoes every day.
00:38:57.000If you wear high-heeled shoes three days a week, three times a week, from sunrise to bedtime, you will find a man.
00:39:06.000And it helps if you go to bars and you're around at last call, but I know you're not just like it's easy to get laid I guess as a woman, but you're looking for a dude, but so I don't even know what your social life is I don't think it's that important, but just high-heeled shoes and long hair and don't be huge and we'll work something out That's the deal with women, and I mean that's the way God designed it because he thought I just it's easy to get a
00:39:30.000To get the dude horny, he just has a penis.
00:39:36.000He's a fifth of her size, because God put all the weight on the woman, like all the intricacies and the reproductive systems and all that fancy stuff is in the female spider, so it's huge.
00:39:47.000It's got to cram all that stuff in there.
00:41:31.000It's gross to discuss kids in a podcast that's about stripping and sex, but...
00:41:37.000The moral of this story is, gentlemen, I know you see a beautiful woman in high heel shoes, and obviously you're trying to do her, that's a doy.
00:41:44.000But also, part of you goes, that must be weird.
00:41:47.000Well, that's where it begins and ends, my friend.
00:41:51.000Like I look at baseball, and I look at Noah Syndergaard throw a ball at 100 miles an hour, and I go, that must be weird.
00:41:58.000The fastest I, if I could break my arm whipping a ball, and I might get up to 45 miles an hour,
00:42:05.000He, a slow ball for him is twice that.
00:42:08.000That's, I just can't get my mind around that.
00:42:10.000That's something I'll never experience.
00:42:27.000There's some things you can't have, you spoiled brats.
00:42:30.000You have to look at them and just, instead of wanting them like you're Gollum and it's the ring, oh my precious, my precious, I must have femininity and being sexy, I must have it.
00:42:42.000You should just revere it, like the guy drinking his beer looking at the woman's asshole.
00:44:58.000And I just, I really hate that kind of fucking culture.
00:45:02.000I can't say enough about the culture of reverence.
00:45:05.000It makes everything your favorite movie.
00:45:07.000Like I go outside, I remember Margaret Sanger of all people, the founder of Planned Parenthood, sorry to be quoting her pro-lifers, fellow pro-lifers, but she just said, sometimes I look on the streets and I'm just in awe of man's creations.
00:45:23.000And you know, when you see this garbage truck or a ski lift where the top closes down, or an elevator, like you could spend a thousand years trying to recreate that from scratch and you wouldn't even come close.
00:45:38.000Even this sound equipment I'm really impressed by.
00:45:41.000I mean, I took that kind of stuff in high school.
00:46:28.000I think that comes from people not accomplishing things.
00:46:31.000It comes from illegals doing their jobs and never having a job and never starting a business.
00:46:37.000Fucking... Before you shit on an entrepreneur, open a lemonade stand.
00:46:41.000Make a hundred dollars and have one... No, start anything and have one employee.
00:46:45.000And then you can shut down the business, then get back to me and tell me how the rich are evil and everyone's greedy.
00:46:56.000I am here to support a culture of reverence, and that extends from a stripper's asshole all the way to those giant things that build ocean-going paddle steamers.
00:47:07.000And those weird containers, you know those shipping containers?
00:47:10.000The ships that carry shipping containers?