Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - August 30, 2018


Get Off My Lawn Podcast #77 | Strip clubs are like women church

Topics
menstruation and stigma high-heeled shoes and long hair culture of reverence
Hosted by
Gavin McInnes
Mentioned
Fardo Sharky Joe Man Jiminy Cricket Adam McInnes Proud Boys Stephanie Cormac McCarthy Margaret Sanger Justin Bieber Maxine Waters Tony Soprano Armie Hammer Ann Coulter Tina Turner David Bowie Bill Maher Greenpoint Jennifer Bitchin and 16 more
Ep 177 | JR Mint | Get Off My Lawn Ep 178 | Labor Day Special | Get Off My Lawn

Episode Stats


Length

48 minutes

Words per minute

176.7

Word count

8,579

Sentence count

768

Harmful content

Misogyny

103

sentences flagged

Toxicity

294

sentences flagged

Hate speech

92

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

In this episode, the boys talk about strip clubs, farting in public, and the worst thing a woman can do in front of her significant other's parents. Also, the girls talk about their favorite childhood nicknames and what they do to their significant other s parents when they first meet them. Enjoy the episode and remember to leave us a review on Apple Podcasts, and don t forget to rate, review and subscribe to our other shows Comedy Bang Bang! and Comedy Bang! Subscribe to our new show Hosted by John Rocha and Matt Knost Subscribe and comment to stay up to date with the latest comedy and stand-up comedy! Logo by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. All rights reserved. Used by permission. Please do not use this music unless otherwise specified. We do not own the rights to any of the music used in this episode. This episode was produced and produced by us. Thank you for any amount you pay for this podcast. The opinions expressed is our own and does not necessarily reflect those of our record labels. or any other third parties. If you have any objections, we do not claim ownership to the music, credit given to any other artists, other than those of their work or services provided by their respective record labels, we are not responsible for their work, etc., etc. Thank you. . We are not affiliated with any third parties, etc. We are working with any other person s or other third party or service provider. Thanks for any other entity providing their fair use of this podcast or service provided by our clients, etc.. thank you for their services and we have no claim to use this material used in any of our work, other such compensation. You are not required to provide their services, other said credit or promotion or representation except that which is not appreciated unless otherwise noted , etc. etc., it is not claimed or compensation is being compensated for this material being provided by any other such thing . or such other compensation is in any other than that of any such thing being provided ? by the public service or such such thing . Thank you etc. etc., of course, we have not received any other compensation, we are in no way compensated.

Transcript

Transcripts from "Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes" are sourced from the Knowledge Fight Interactive Search Tool. Explore them interactively here.
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Toxicity classifications generated with s-nlp/roberta_toxicity_classifier .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
Topics generated with Qwen2.5-3B-Instruct.
Hosts, guests, and mentioned names generated with spaCy (en_core_web_sm), reconciled against Wikidata.
00:00:03.000 Strip clubs are like women church. 1.00
00:00:06.000 You go there to worship naked ladies. 1.00
00:00:10.000 I think feminists would be impressed if they could go to strip clubs. 1.00
00:00:14.000 Because they'd realize how much men revere women.
00:00:19.000 Now, I'm kind of contradicting myself because I haven't really been since my daughter was born.
00:00:25.000 She kind of ruined it.
00:00:26.000 Because now, if I were to go, I just think of the woman's dad's dads the whole time. 0.88
00:00:33.000 So that can be a little bit of a boner killer.
00:00:36.000 Just constantly wondering where he went wrong.
00:00:38.000 Because that is our number one... Used to be our number one goal was to keep them off the pole. 1.00
00:00:42.000 Now it's to keep them off screens and keep them off the pole. 1.00
00:00:45.000 But back before I had kids, we would go all the time.
00:00:50.000 This might be why Ann Coulter was talking about Proud Boys to me once, and I said, I'd love you to come and do a talk, but you're a woman. 1.00
00:00:57.000 Maybe if you wore a burka or something, we could have you come by.
00:00:59.000 Or if you did a video message, I don't know.
00:01:02.000 And she goes, no, I don't want to ruin your group.
00:01:04.000 I like that it's exclusive to men.
00:01:05.000 This is the clubs my dad went to when he was, you know, alive.
00:01:11.000 And this is the club's all men, she really went off, we were discussing this via email, she really went off on like a two paragraph thing and she said, you know, they got rid of these men's clubs and what did men do?
00:01:21.000 They ended up going to strip clubs to congregate, to be, the term she used was so they could make fart jokes, they could fart in public and not have to pull out chairs for women. 1.00
00:01:33.000 It's funny that we started a club so we can fart.
00:01:36.000 We started a place where we can fart freely and not have to say, I'm sorry.
00:01:40.000 But that is true, by the way, about farting in front of men.
00:01:43.000 We don't, we don't think it's gross. 1.00
00:01:45.000 We just go, holy shit, man, you're really sick. 1.00
00:01:48.000 Like you could, a guy could, a guy could fart next to you at work in an all male environment and you, and it could be the worst fart you ever smelled in your life. 1.00
00:01:55.000 And you'd go,
00:01:56.000 Hey man, what's going on there?
00:01:58.000 You'd be worried about him.
00:01:59.000 Or sometimes you'd just smell the worst fart in the world and you'd go, wow, that really, really reeks. 0.99
00:02:04.000 Like, I heard the Japanese are like that with poo. 1.00
00:02:07.000 My friend married a Japanese guy, and on her first time meeting his parents, she clogged the toilet with turds. 1.00
00:02:17.000 She's slightly overweight, but not really. 1.00
00:02:20.000 And I guess she had a shit that was so insane. 1.00
00:02:23.000 Maybe she, you know what she did? 1.00
00:02:24.000 She probably did what most women do, where they use an entire toilet roll, wiping, and they ball it up into like, it's a big giant oven mitt of toilet paper, and then that clogs. 1.00
00:02:35.000 Anyway, she clogged it up and she left some large turds there. 1.00
00:02:37.000 It's every person's, not every woman's, but every person's nightmare, is that when you meet your significant other's parents, they have to look at your feces. 0.87
00:02:46.000 But it turned out great! 1.00
00:02:49.000 Because the Japanese to shit are like male friends to farts. 1.00
00:02:56.000 They don't care. 1.00
00:02:57.000 So his dad goes, Oh, get the plunger.
00:03:01.000 And as he's plunging, he goes, Oh, this is very healthy feces.
00:03:05.000 You have good digestion system.
00:03:08.000 Because I guess they were nice firm logs.
00:03:12.000 That should be her nickname from now on.
00:03:14.000 Hey, is Firm Logs there?
00:03:15.000 Hey, Firm Logs.
00:03:18.000 My mom, whoops, my wife has a friend named Fardo, because she farted in fifth grade or something, and she'll still be introducing herself.
00:03:27.000 She'll go, hi, my name's Jennifer, everyone calls me Fardo. 0.80
00:03:31.000 I wonder if that gets to the point where it comes up during sex.
00:03:35.000 That's when you know a nickname is really a nickname, when it's used during lovemaking.
00:03:41.000 And the man making love to her says, you like that, Fardo?
00:03:45.000 Oh, Fardo, you feel so good. 0.99
00:03:48.000 I fucking love you, Fardo. 1.00
00:03:52.000 Fuck me, Fardo. 1.00
00:03:54.000 That's when she's pegging him. 1.00
00:03:56.000 I know a guy named Joe Man, and he got his nickname in high school when they were learning about different mans, like there was Cro-Magnon Man, and apparently there was a time in our history when we were known as Joe Man, and this guy liked coffees, a cup of Joe, so everyone called him Joe Man. 0.99
00:04:12.000 And he told me he knew that was his real name when he was having sex and some girl was like, fuck me, Joe Man. 0.95
00:04:19.000 Anyway, so Anne was saying, yeah, these men end up going to strip clubs where there's no 0.99
00:04:25.000 Ladies there, there's plenty of women, but there's no ladies at a strip club. 1.00
00:04:29.000 And I think the female perspective on strip clubs is that it's a bunch of disgusting, horny men just going, oh yeah, drooling and panting and I wouldn't mind touching those tits. 1.00
00:04:41.000 It's not that at all. 0.99
00:04:42.000 It's actually kind of beautiful in many ways.
00:04:46.000 I don't want any of my offspring or aunts or cousins going.
00:04:51.000 I can't really argue that specifically why.
00:04:51.000 I don't know why.
00:04:55.000 But we'll just remove that part of the argument because it's inconvenient for my thesis.
00:04:59.000 And my thesis is, it's actually a beautiful place.
00:05:03.000 Like, sometimes it's so beautiful, sometimes I get jealous.
00:05:07.000 Because there'll be this woman, she'll come out to, say, Gangster's Paradise, and she's incredibly sexy, and I was just saying earlier to some co-workers, I have no idea what that's like, to be incredibly sexy. 0.94
00:05:20.000 That must be a trip, you know what I mean, guys?
00:05:25.000 This is probably why these lunatics like Stephanie, that's how it's spelled, had his name Stephanie and he just became a woman, abandoned his kids. 1.00
00:05:34.000 But I think a lot of it is guys go, that must be awesome to have stilettos on and just know everyone in the room is dying to bone you. 1.00
00:05:44.000 You know what I mean?
00:05:46.000 It must feel pretty powerful just standing there being incredibly attractive and knowing that guys are going, oh, okay, try to think about something else.
00:05:53.000 Try to think about something else.
00:05:54.000 And they're trying to do business with you.
00:05:55.000 Okay, well, these are going to be done on Sunday.
00:05:57.000 I don't know if you're around.
00:05:59.000 Come by the office.
00:06:00.000 Meanwhile, men have this little guy on an exercise bike in the back of their mind thinking about sex constantly. 0.74
00:06:06.000 I've said this before, but even when your friend's fat grandmother brings you some gnocchi, part of you is like, if she had lingerie on, we could probably work something out.
00:06:16.000 Always that that machine's always going so all you can do is just throw a tarp on it and be like don't worry about that Like you know those those blankets used for painting a big white canvas sheet.
00:06:26.000 You just throw it over the guy on the bike Well, we'll get through the day.
00:06:29.000 I can hang out with incredibly beautiful women. 1.00
00:06:31.000 I just won't
00:06:32.000 I just won't pay attention to the cyclist. 1.00
00:06:34.000 But imagine how cool it would be if women had that, and they were just like, holy fuck, Adam McInnes, oh my god, his legs. 1.00
00:06:42.000 Oh, his legs. 1.00
00:06:44.000 I think that's why men send dick pics, because they temporarily forget that we are totally fucking different, totally different to our cores. 1.00
00:06:56.000 And they pretend that women are like men. 0.99
00:06:58.000 Just for a second.
00:06:59.000 I mean, feminists aren't helping with this. 1.00
00:07:00.000 And they go, well, I'd like to look at tits. 1.00
00:07:03.000 I'd like to look at a picture of this woman's vagina. 1.00
00:07:06.000 Ergo, she'd love to see my penis. 1.00
00:07:08.000 Here you go. 1.00
00:07:10.000 Now, a penis is God's way of saying that women are the fairer sex. 1.00
00:07:15.000 He purposely made a bag look insane just to really hammer it home. 0.99
00:07:20.000 I mean, he left a lot of clues all over the male body.
00:07:24.000 Obviously, the toes, hairy toes.
00:07:26.000 Men seem to be able to ignore this and wear flip-flops, which boggles the mind.
00:07:30.000 But if you look at a man's inner thigh, honestly, if an alien landed here,
00:07:35.000 He could look at a naked lady and a naked man, and he would go, uh, this one is the hot one, I don't know what- this guy better be smart, or better be a good provider or something, because this is not working. 1.00
00:07:47.000 That's- another possibility is he forgot genitalia on the assembly line, and went, oh shit, and at the last minute just went, and stuck on a penis and balls, and Adam was sort of going, what the f- are you kidding me? 1.00
00:08:01.000 Because a bag is not attractive. 1.00
00:08:04.000 You can shave it.
00:08:06.000 You can put some foundation on it.
00:08:08.000 It looks like an alien's head upside down.
00:08:10.000 There's no saving a bag.
00:08:12.000 And women have accepted it. 1.00
00:08:13.000 I think women actually have developed this trait where they kind of like how gross we are. 1.00
00:08:19.000 Like they appreciate a beer belly and a hairy back and they like sort of sexually being dominated by this disgusting guy who looks like a Russian janitor with like a shitty mustache and his comb over sort of falling off. 1.00
00:08:32.000 Like they get into the ugliness of it. 0.99
00:08:34.000 They're sort of like metalheads, death metalheads in that sense, where they can appreciate the horror that is a naked man.
00:08:43.000 That's why I'm so jealous, or I get jealous, or I used to get jealous when I go to strip clubs, because I thought, I couldn't imagine coming out to my favorite song, let's say, Runnin' with the Boss Sound by Generation X. Well, I'm rockabilly beat now, and... I forgot the words.
00:08:59.000 And as I'm dancing around nude, these women are sitting, sipping their beers, just mesmerized by my balls and cock. 1.00
00:09:23.000 You know, in Montreal they have full nudity and women will bend over listening to Gangster's Paradise by Coolio or some other stripper song and they will do their pole dance, which is pretty impressive, by the way, those pole dances. 0.99
00:09:38.000 I tried it once.
00:09:39.000 I don't know if it's men have different, you know, areas of gravity or something, but I couldn't even come close to any stripper dance.
00:09:46.000 I don't know how they do it.
00:09:47.000 It's really impressive. 0.99
00:09:48.000 And by the way, black kids on the subway who do those dumb dances and then you ask for money, 1.00
00:09:52.000 You're stripping. 1.00
00:09:54.000 You're on a stripper pole. 1.00
00:09:56.000 And if I was strong enough to take on eight 16-year-old black kids on the train, I would point that out to you. 1.00
00:10:03.000 That you're doing stripper dances. 0.98
00:10:05.000 I've considered summoning the courage to do it in a Russian voice, like, hello, I am tourist here.
00:10:11.000 I am very interested in your dancing.
00:10:13.000 This is from strip club?
00:10:14.000 I see women doing similar dance on poles where they swing around. 0.99
00:10:18.000 Is this called strip club dance?
00:10:22.000 No, man, it's totally different. 1.00
00:10:24.000 This is like cool rap shit. 0.99
00:10:26.000 Oh, because it appeared... I've been to strip club and it is indistinguishable from ladies, what ladies do when they are naked trying to seduce men. 1.00
00:10:35.000 Are you seducing men? 1.00
00:10:36.000 Is that what this is? 1.00
00:10:37.000 Are you homosexual? 0.96
00:10:40.000 But I don't... I don't quite have the fighting skills to pick a fight with eight black teenagers. 1.00
00:10:49.000 I might in movies, but not in real life. 0.98
00:10:51.000 Anyway...
00:10:52.000 Can you imagine you as a dude? 1.00
00:11:07.000 bending over with your big long bag hanging down your hairy asshole with a hemorrhoid on it and there's a woman sipping a Coors Light just in awe of the beauty that is before her the unmitigated sculpted chiseled scrotum that is lying hanging in front of her and just like and if she touches you I did it sort of did a sketch on this if women are as horny as men 1.00
00:11:36.000 Funny or die. 1.00
00:11:37.000 Our woman is horny as men, it's called. 1.00
00:11:39.000 And if she were to dare follow her impulses and just touch your sacred bag with one finger, just like one, just poke one swinging ball, she would instantly be removed, kicked out of the club on her ass, maybe roughed up on the way out. 1.00
00:11:53.000 It's a different... The fact that we pretend that women are the same as men, nowhere is that more evident than in the strip club. 1.00
00:11:59.000 Go to a strip club for women, and it's the least sexual thing around. 1.00
00:12:04.000 It's more like Barnum and Bailey. 1.00
00:12:05.000 It's clowns. 1.00
00:12:06.000 Women are laughing their fucking heads off, screaming hysterically. 1.00
00:12:11.000 It's almost kind of like a parody of sex. 1.00
00:12:13.000 Now, I've never been to a black one. 1.00
00:12:15.000 I've heard those can get pretty darn sexual, where they sort of hump each other. 0.99
00:12:18.000 We're good to go. 0.96
00:12:39.000 They have to, like, do the shot out of the guy's weird little sketcher JCPenney underpants.
00:12:48.000 The non-Y front underwears that these muscular men wear. 0.98
00:12:54.000 And they're laughing their heads off.
00:12:57.000 Not at a strip club for men.
00:12:59.000 Strip club for men? 0.94
00:12:59.000 Very quiet. 0.94
00:13:01.000 And I think a lot of women see it as sad.
00:13:03.000 It's not sad per se.
00:13:05.000 It's not sad like disgusting.
00:13:07.000 It's sad like...
00:13:09.000 Some of the men are pretty darn lonely, I think.
00:13:11.000 Like, when you see a guy off in the corner and he's paying her $20 per song, but not to grind him, to listen to him talk about how the custody went so bad for him and how he only sees his kids once a week at best.
00:13:23.000 Usually once every two weeks.
00:13:25.000 And she's just sitting there, nude. 0.81
00:13:27.000 She knows him.
00:13:27.000 That's like Dan.
00:13:30.000 And she sits with Dan.
00:13:31.000 How's it going with the custody?
00:13:32.000 Not great.
00:13:33.000 Not great.
00:13:34.000 She now gets Wednesdays, so I only have every second weekend. 0.97
00:13:37.000 And they just sit, just talking to a hot nude chick. 1.00
00:13:40.000 And they have that weird shit on their skin. 1.00
00:13:42.000 What is that? 1.00
00:13:43.000 You touch a stripper's skin, and it's like kind of rubbery and smooth at the same time.
00:13:48.000 You know what I mean?
00:13:49.000 They have some sort of cream they put on that's really weird.
00:13:51.000 It makes them seem like dolls.
00:13:56.000 But, uh, yeah, I haven't really been in 11 years.
00:14:00.000 But I don't have a problem with them.
00:14:01.000 And they're not what you think they are.
00:14:04.000 And they really show, I think, a pretty endearing side of men.
00:14:11.000 Okay? 1.00
00:14:12.000 So shut up. 1.00
00:14:13.000 Bitchin' about fuckin' strip clubs, you bitch. 1.00
00:14:19.000 God, you know, we used to- I used to go with this guy Sharky, and there was- Brooklyn was full of strip clubs. 1.00
00:14:25.000 He used to like to go to the Eastern European ones.
00:14:29.000 And they seem to be divided by race, in a sense.
00:14:31.000 But I guess the only way you get white girls to be sad enough to become strippers is when they're Eastern European. 1.00
00:14:38.000 But that bums me out. 0.95
00:14:40.000 I don't like that. 0.98
00:14:41.000 When I hear the accent, I think of sexual slavery. 0.95
00:14:44.000 I think of some Romanian street urchin who's been stolen by a snakehead and smuggled here in a container, and now she's like the Tina Turner song, Private Dancer. 1.00
00:14:54.000 I'm your dancer for money.
00:14:56.000 I'll do what you want me to do.
00:14:59.000 Just give me blue jeans one day.
00:15:03.000 No thanks.
00:15:04.000 Slavery isn't exactly... Slavery doesn't give me a boner. 0.95
00:15:08.000 No offense, Eastern Europeans. 1.00
00:15:10.000 So we'd end up at these seedy ones.
00:15:11.000 There was one called Foxes. 0.94
00:15:13.000 And it's just disgusting.
00:15:14.000 And I'm sorry if I'm repeating stories and you've heard this before, but this is one of my favorites.
00:15:18.000 We go to this strip called Foxes.
00:15:19.000 I'm there with my friend Trevor.
00:15:22.000 And, uh, this woman had on black socks. 1.00
00:15:25.000 Like dad socks, with her stripper shoes. 1.00
00:15:28.000 That's my shit, by the way. 0.99
00:15:30.000 Maybe it's because my libido was developed in the 80s with the ZZ Top video legs and all these girls wore little frilly ankle socks with red high heel shoes and I'm just like, you could put that on my dad and I would go, wow, looking fucking hot dad. 1.00
00:15:46.000 And you could put it on a horse and I would say that horse is, I'm not going to fuck it, but that's a pretty hot horse. 0.99
00:15:53.000 Um, 0.99
00:15:54.000 I don't
00:16:11.000 I don't know why. 1.00
00:16:31.000 They crunch up your toes and they look stupid. 0.99
00:16:35.000 Like, why not just wear normal high heel shoes? 0.99
00:16:37.000 I never really understood the clear stripper shoe.
00:16:40.000 It's so wildly impractical.
00:16:42.000 And it's like I need to see all of your foot?
00:16:45.000 No, I'm fine with not seeing your whole foot.
00:16:47.000 Don't worry.
00:16:48.000 You don't need to have a window on the top of your shoe.
00:16:51.000 But every single girl wears those. 1.00
00:16:53.000 Wear thigh-high boots.
00:16:55.000 Why not?
00:16:56.000 You know?
00:16:57.000 Anyway, so she's wearing those but she has black socks on. 1.00
00:17:02.000 And I said, uh, we were smiling at her and we go, we like your socks! 0.99
00:17:07.000 And she thinks we're fucking with her. 0.99
00:17:08.000 Probably she can tell that we're white guys and, you know, we're not Puerto Rican and we're not from the neighborhood. 0.98
00:17:13.000 We're kind of dressed hipster and she senses that there's some irony in this visit.
00:17:17.000 There's zero irony in the visit, my dear.
00:17:20.000 And so she leans down and her breasts, she's a Puerto Rican, she's probably had three kids by the age of 20, and so her breasts are pendulous. 1.00
00:17:27.000 You get, you know, flabbier tits when you have more kids, which I'm a big fan of. 1.00
00:17:32.000 Another thing women don't understand about men, our spectrum of what's attractive widens greatly as we get older. 0.99
00:17:39.000 So, when you're 19 and a girl can fit one pencil under her tit, you want to throw up. 1.00
00:17:44.000 When you're 48, if a girl doesn't have a zit on her ass, you're like, get her out of here. 1.00
00:17:50.000 What are we doing? 1.00
00:17:51.000 I don't want to be with a Barbie doll. 0.99
00:17:53.000 I want her breasts to hang like sausages. 1.00
00:17:57.000 She's not fat enough. 1.00
00:17:59.000 So she leans down and she has to sort of hold her breasts to her chest or else they'd hit us in the face. 1.00
00:18:06.000 And she says, she's chewing gum and she goes, they're for medicinal purposes!
00:18:12.000 Like a Puerto Rican Tony Soprano. 0.81
00:18:14.000 It's a very difficult situation.
00:18:16.000 They're for medicinal purposes.
00:18:18.000 And I look at him after she leaves and I'm like, could you say a less sexy thing in the English language than socks are for medicinal purposes?
00:18:30.000 The best that gets is their orthopedic support socks.
00:18:34.000 That's the best scenario.
00:18:36.000 Worst scenario is she has eczema or psoriasis or something and she has flaky sores all over her toes and feet and the bottom of her feet she has athlete's foot and so she has to sort of
00:18:48.000 Squirt like Armin Hammer rub A535 Nivea sauce in her socks and then put on her socks that are wet with creams. 0.99
00:19:03.000 That was the end of that fucking vibe. 0.99
00:19:06.000 No coconut smashers here. 0.99
00:19:09.000 That place has since shut down.
00:19:10.000 But Cormac McCarthy has a line in the road where he says, there is no joy at the tavern as great as the road thereto.
00:19:17.000 And when Sharky and I would go to these strip clubs, I firmly believe our trip there was way more fun than the actual strip club.
00:19:25.000 It was like, once we got there, we sort of went, let's get out of here.
00:19:28.000 This was a fun trip.
00:19:30.000 We would be doing Blow.
00:19:32.000 We always played the same song, Rosalita, and it's about six minutes long. 0.72
00:19:37.000 And we're driving through Greenpoint and the shitty parts of Queens.
00:19:40.000 And, you know, it's got all these breakdowns in it.
00:19:44.000 And then there's that, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, towards the end.
00:19:47.000 And we'd just be pounding the dash with our fists.
00:19:50.000 Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
00:19:53.000 Like real guy stuff.
00:19:56.000 And laughing our heads off and then we'd finally you know it's easy to get parking and then you wander in and it's just like a bunch of dudes staring at buttholes making you jealous that you don't have that kind of admiration and then you just want to go home after.
00:20:09.000 But yeah, there was a few.
00:20:10.000 One time we were at the strip club and Dan and I are cheap.
00:20:13.000 Oops, I just gave away his real name.
00:20:15.000 Sharky and I are cheap.
00:20:16.000 So we would not get lap dances. 1.00
00:20:18.000 Maybe put a dollar in between her tits when she came by. 1.00
00:20:22.000 But, you know, she'd only come by about every 15 minutes. 0.99
00:20:25.000 So you ended up spending, like a crazy night for us at strip clubs, we'd spend maybe $40.
00:20:32.000 We are cheapskates.
00:20:33.000 He's Irish, I'm Scottish.
00:20:35.000 God, I remember our buddies would just be at the ATM like four times, because you could only get out $200 max at the time.
00:20:41.000 So he'd be there three times, and I'm thinking, dude, $600?
00:20:45.000 What are you, at a casino?
00:20:48.000 That's a lot for me at a casino.
00:20:50.000 I don't like spending more than $200 at Blackjack.
00:20:54.000 And that's not the vibe. 1.00
00:20:55.000 I mean, you're just a sucker if you keep going for these stupid lap dances where she just sort of almost lets you touch her. 1.00
00:21:01.000 No, thank you. 1.00
00:21:02.000 I'm here to admire ladies like a church. 1.00
00:21:06.000 I don't want to be sort of bamboozled into spending $20 a song.
00:21:10.000 So anyway, we would just sit and talk and they would come by and they'd realize there's no money there.
00:21:14.000 And sometimes, as the night went on, the other girls would tell the other girls, like, don't waste your time. 0.91
00:21:18.000 Those guys are cheapskates. 0.77
00:21:20.000 But, after they were done talking to all the coke dealers and everything, they would come back to us because they were bored and we were funny.
00:21:27.000 So then we would just hang out for free and make jokes and stuff and get to know them. 0.90
00:21:32.000 Holy shit, I just remembered I got one of their phone numbers once! 0.89
00:21:36.000 And I thought, this can't be the real phone number, and we were wasted, and it was like five in the morning, and I called her, and she was Puerto Rican, and her mom answered. 0.97
00:21:44.000 And her mom was like, do you think that's normal to call someone at five in the morning? 0.57
00:21:48.000 Are you crazy?
00:21:49.000 I'm like, is this really Sandy's place?
00:21:53.000 Her name was not Sandy, obviously. 0.97
00:21:56.000 So I'm hanging out with Sharky, and there's this probably a coke dealer, a Russian illegal guy doing illegal stuff, and he had an all-white tracksuit on.
00:22:05.000 And we go to the bathroom, probably to do some bumps, and I'm in the bathroom, and he has a red stain, a small red little dime-sized circle on his sweatpants.
00:22:22.000 He had been menstruated on. 0.95
00:22:25.000 And he was trying to block it out, and I sympathize with him.
00:22:28.000 You know, when you do that, like, when there's something that's terrible, your brain doesn't want to give it to you all in one dose, so it sort of doles out the truth.
00:22:36.000 Like, if you lose your wallet, your brain goes, you didn't lose it, you didn't lose it, it could be another pants, it could be another pants.
00:22:42.000 And then, you know what?
00:22:42.000 It's probably in your jacket.
00:22:43.000 And you're saying to your brain, I've never put my wallet in my jacket in my life.
00:22:47.000 Well, maybe that's an exception.
00:22:49.000 You know, it's an exception.
00:22:50.000 Sometimes if I'm checking to see if I lost my wallet, like when I'm wearing pants, I won't just grab my butt where my wallet is, because it's too much information.
00:22:58.000 And if the news is bad, then you'll just have a heart attack.
00:23:00.000 So I'll just sort of start on the seam of my pants, and sort of creep towards the pocket, so you'll, you know, if there's nothing there, you slowly get the news that your back pocket is empty.
00:23:12.000 He was doing that with his menstrual leg. 0.50
00:23:15.000 And me and Sharky just go, dude, you know what that is.
00:23:20.000 Stop kidding.
00:23:20.000 And he's got a paper towel and it's all wet and he's furiously scrubbing his white track pants.
00:23:25.000 And we're looking at him and we're basically just saying, dude, let the truth seep in.
00:23:30.000 Just like the menstrual stains seeped into your pants, you have to let the truth seep into your brain that there's nothing else that could possibly be.
00:23:38.000 What, did someone prick you with the pin on your thigh?
00:23:41.000 No. 1.00
00:23:41.000 We're at a club where naked ladies sit on your pants 1.00
00:23:45.000 And right where that naked lady sat, there is now a dime-sized red circle. 1.00
00:23:51.000 Maybe she has a scab on her butt that got picked off? 1.00
00:23:54.000 Nope. 0.99
00:23:55.000 That doesn't happen. 0.99
00:23:57.000 No one has a giant scab on their butt. 0.99
00:23:59.000 You've been menstruated. 0.99
00:24:01.000 The end.
00:24:01.000 You are human, always with wings.
00:24:05.000 You are a Maxi Pad. 0.96
00:24:07.000 You're a Russian, coke-dealing Maxi Pad. 1.00
00:24:11.000 And you just did some absorbing. 0.98
00:24:13.000 You have to go home.
00:24:14.000 I mean, what are you going to do?
00:24:16.000 Actually, I wouldn't go home.
00:24:17.000 I'd just be like, hey, I'm a menstrual guy. 0.66
00:24:20.000 Take it or leave it.
00:24:22.000 It's not my fault. 0.99
00:24:25.000 Uh, by the way, speaking of menstruating, did you, do you understand this shit going on with these trannies and, uh, women bleeding? 1.00
00:24:34.000 Well, first, like, there's so many facets here, but first there's free bleeding, right? 0.99
00:24:38.000 Which was women menstruating without a pad to show they're not ashamed and I don't wanna 0.99
00:24:44.000 I feel the stigma of menstruation. 0.98
00:24:46.000 Outside of Rastafarians, who make blood clot the worst possible word in their culture, we don't really give a shit about menstrual blood. 0.98
00:24:54.000 There's no stigma there. 0.98
00:24:56.000 We know 100% of women do it. 1.00
00:24:59.000 So, by definition, you can't be a freak.
00:25:02.000 If 100% of your gender does a thing, then people aren't going to go, oh, look what the cat dragged in.
00:25:09.000 That menstruator. 1.00
00:25:10.000 Ugh. 1.00
00:25:11.000 I hate that she doesn't- That's like not liking people because they shit. 1.00
00:25:15.000 Yeah, Eddie's an okay guy. 1.00
00:25:17.000 Did you know every morning he has explosive diarrhea?
00:25:20.000 No, I did not know that.
00:25:21.000 Yep.
00:25:22.000 Pretty gross, huh?
00:25:23.000 Yeah, he's not coming by the house anymore.
00:25:24.000 I don't want him getting poo on our furniture.
00:25:27.000 No one's ever, like, what's man's attitude?
00:25:32.000 This sort of goes back to the strip club thing, too. 0.99
00:25:34.000 I resent that we're depicted as these uptight people who hate all this shit about women. 0.99
00:25:40.000 We have no rules. 1.00
00:25:41.000 Now, gays are very critical of women. 0.99
00:25:44.000 Women are very critical of women. 1.00
00:25:45.000 But we don't really sit there going, yeah, her butt cheeks are asymmetrical. 1.00
00:25:49.000 No thanks.
00:25:50.000 We don't even notice.
00:25:50.000 We're just like, hey, it's a lady.
00:25:52.000 She'll be with me.
00:25:53.000 I love everything about her.
00:25:56.000 Oh my god, she farted, that's awesome. 1.00
00:25:59.000 It's women who go, ew. 1.00
00:26:00.000 I can't believe, she's, that purse is so last year, gross. 1.00
00:26:03.000 I remember being in high school and I liked this girl, Kim, and word got out and all the girls go, she's super fat. 1.00
00:26:10.000 And I didn't even really know what that was.
00:26:11.000 This is back in the 80s when people weren't really fat.
00:26:15.000 There was no like obese, obese woman. 1.00
00:26:17.000 And I didn't know she was fat until everyone, ew, gross, she's got like, cankles. 1.00
00:26:22.000 I bet you a woman came up with the term cankles. 0.99
00:26:24.000 I bet it wasn't a man. 1.00
00:26:25.000 Men could give less of a shit. 1.00
00:26:27.000 And by the way, guys, if your lady has cankles, high-heeled shoes, make them vanish. 1.00
00:26:31.000 Poof! 0.99
00:26:32.000 They're gone.
00:26:34.000 But there's these so... God, it's so exhausting.
00:26:37.000 It's funny how liberals demand that you follow all their rules, and when you even sort of peel back one layer of the onion to look at their rules, you go, this is like a really long homework assignment.
00:26:47.000 You know, you chained it from black to person of color. 0.88
00:26:49.000 Why do you gotta make everything so much harder? 0.99
00:26:51.000 Can't you just be like, I'm sick of you racists. 1.00
00:26:54.000 From now on, call blacks buh. 1.00
00:26:57.000 Oh, okay. 0.99
00:26:57.000 That's easy. 0.99
00:26:58.000 Buh.
00:26:58.000 That's faster.
00:27:00.000 But no, it's always seven more syllables.
00:27:03.000 And so the newest thing is like women who were born women, cis women, they now identify as male and they still menstruate. 0.87
00:27:13.000 And why do you have a problem with that?
00:27:15.000 Well, it's kind of confusing for one.
00:27:19.000 None of my other male friends menstruate.
00:27:21.000 And it also isn't menstruation God made your body built a baby house for a month and no babies moved in. 1.00
00:27:30.000 And the baby house has to always be fresh as a daisy because it has a baby in it.
00:27:34.000 You want it to be a nice apartment. 0.99
00:27:36.000 So, when it's been a month, the apartment looks like shit, according to God. 0.98
00:27:40.000 He's like, not good enough, sorry. 0.98
00:27:41.000 There's one piece of flake out of paint on one of the rooms.
00:27:45.000 Trash the whole thing.
00:27:46.000 So the apartment comes out of her body. 0.98
00:27:48.000 It gets thrown in the dumpster.
00:27:51.000 In the Always With Wings, on the Russian Coke dealer's pants. 0.59
00:27:54.000 And then they start building a new house.
00:27:56.000 Takes about 10 days.
00:27:58.000 If you try to move in a baby within those 10 days, it's not gonna work.
00:28:01.000 She won't get pregnant. 0.99
00:28:01.000 But then the house is rebuilt. 0.99
00:28:04.000 Why is that happening in a dude?
00:28:07.000 Isn't that kind of confusing?
00:28:09.000 So I'm sorry I don't instantly totally get my buddy.
00:28:14.000 My buddy menstruating. 0.88
00:28:16.000 Hey, why can't Ed come to polka night?
00:28:18.000 Ah, he's on the rag. 0.99
00:28:19.000 Fuckin' Ed. 1.00
00:28:21.000 Meanwhile, if these women, these trans women, they all end up hanging out with lesbians. 1.00
00:28:25.000 They all look like Justin Bieber. 0.96
00:28:27.000 10 years ago.
00:28:27.000 They dress like weird little young white boy wiggers with their sideways baseball hats and their low slung jeans and their undershirts.
00:28:36.000 It's a very weird look.
00:28:38.000 It's sort of like you see Orthodox Jews and you go, why did you choose that one time to be your uniform for life? 0.98
00:28:45.000 1842, German, very square Jewish people.
00:28:49.000 That's our look forever.
00:28:51.000 We're going to wear like a long coat in July in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. 0.68
00:28:55.000 It's the same with these trans lesbians. 1.00
00:28:58.000 They just, they chose such a weird type of guy. 0.98
00:29:01.000 I want to be Justin Bieber in 1998.
00:29:04.000 Forever.
00:29:05.000 Okay.
00:29:07.000 But, uh, they don't hang out with dude dudes.
00:29:09.000 Like, hey, what's up? 0.99
00:29:11.000 And dude dudes, we talk about shit a lot. 1.00
00:29:14.000 Shit and farts. 1.00
00:29:15.000 Like you wouldn't want to hear, I wouldn't do a podcast of dudes hanging out because you'd think it was a bunch of gastro, uh, intestinologist, gastro, and what the fuck are they called? 1.00
00:29:25.000 You know those guys, gastroenterologists, whatever. 0.98
00:29:28.000 They do astronomy by looking at your anus with a camera.
00:29:32.000 They give you a colonoscopy and then they tell your
00:29:34.000 What your sign is, so they're called gastroenterologists.
00:29:41.000 But yeah, the way we talk about disgusting stuff and like horrible accidents, like yeah, yeah.
00:29:47.000 No, he dropped the tractor bucket, hit his toe, and he had to take his toes off.
00:29:52.000 And he kept them.
00:29:53.000 He has two of the toes in a jar of alcohol.
00:29:55.000 Oh, can I see them? 1.00
00:29:57.000 Like one time, my friend, he shit green, bright green, and he thought, what the fuck? 0.99
00:30:01.000 That's insane. 1.00
00:30:01.000 And he put it in a jar. 1.00
00:30:04.000 And uh, we noticed the jar on his windowsill over time, the green left the poo.
00:30:09.000 And it sort of, this is a little tiny nugget by the way, and it left the poo and sort of surrounded the poo in like a green, like an orb, like it was a green lantern poo.
00:30:20.000 It had magical powers, it could turn into anything it wanted to, but it chose to remain as poo. 0.98
00:30:27.000 That's the thing about America. 0.98
00:30:28.000 If you're still poor, and you can't make ends meet, you're choosing to remain as poo. 1.00
00:30:35.000 So, uh, yeah, if women could, like, also this thing with Proud Boys where you get beat up, that started in high school with me, where if you fart, you have to say safety, and if someone says slut before you say safety, everyone gets to beat you up. 0.98
00:30:50.000 Can you imagine one of these trans women having to go through that? 0.76
00:30:52.000 You didn't say safety, dude. 1.00
00:30:54.000 And you farted, so I got to pound the shit out of you. 0.99
00:30:58.000 So they don't really want to be men. 1.00
00:30:59.000 They want to be women dressed up as men. 1.00
00:31:02.000 As kind of a joke.
00:31:04.000 Anyway.
00:31:06.000 So these men menstruate, right? 0.99
00:31:08.000 And they're mad that we have a problem with it.
00:31:10.000 Why do you care what I think?
00:31:12.000 That's another weird thing, too.
00:31:13.000 So they're... These men are free-bleeding.
00:31:17.000 So they're allowing their menstrual blood to fill their white jeans.
00:31:20.000 And then they're going, See?
00:31:21.000 I'm not ashamed.
00:31:23.000 Great. 1.00
00:31:23.000 I just shit my pants to show you that I'm not ashamed that I shit. 1.00
00:31:28.000 What do you think? 1.00
00:31:29.000 Did I smash some stereotypes about poo?
00:31:32.000 But it gets weirder.
00:31:34.000 So there's also these dudes. 0.99
00:31:37.000 I love telling my parents all this shit too. 0.98
00:31:39.000 Like, so what's going on now with us? 1.00
00:31:41.000 What's a sus male? 0.93
00:31:43.000 Okay, dad.
00:31:44.000 Here's the story.
00:31:45.000 So there's also dudes who identify as female, and they want to use the woman's bathroom and everything.
00:31:51.000 Not a trans bathroom, a woman's bathroom. 1.00
00:31:52.000 I'm a woman. 0.99
00:31:53.000 And by the way, guys, when you become women, why are you so fucking half-assed? 0.99
00:31:57.000 You have a sweatshirt on, you have wedges instead of high-heeled shoes, and then just jeans. 0.97
00:32:02.000 And a bit of makeup on and a wig.
00:32:04.000 If you're gonna go woman, go all out. 1.00
00:32:07.000 Have a poodle skirt, have bobby socks, have tons and tons of makeup on, have an angora cardigan.
00:32:13.000 Like, you abandon your entire gender, your entire background.
00:32:16.000 You gave your dad nightmares.
00:32:18.000 For what?
00:32:19.000 To become a tomboy?
00:32:20.000 A tomboy's basically a dude.
00:32:23.000 Like, David Bowie, during his glam years, is more feminine than you. 0.95
00:32:28.000 So why did you- it's sort of like moving to China and then just hanging out at the Hard Rock Cafe in Beijing and never meeting any Chinese people and not learning Chinese. 0.98
00:32:37.000 Why'd you go all the way to fucking China? 0.99
00:32:40.000 You're obviously not into it. 1.00
00:32:42.000 Anyway, the ones that are super into it are mad, or I don't know what you want to call it.
00:32:46.000 They demand that we accept that they too menstruate.
00:32:51.000 Out of, I don't know, their bag?
00:32:52.000 Their taint? 1.00
00:32:53.000 Where does a tampon go up your ass? 1.00
00:32:56.000 And they claim it's obviously purely psychological. 1.00
00:33:00.000 Obviously.
00:33:02.000 That's my new favorite word, by the way.
00:33:04.000 When I'm talking to the kids and stuff.
00:33:06.000 Hey guys, the back door's open, the AC's getting out.
00:33:08.000 Close the back door.
00:33:10.000 Obviously.
00:33:11.000 Everything I say is obvious.
00:33:14.000 And I'm amazed I have to say it.
00:33:17.000 Uh, don't punch your brother.
00:33:18.000 Now he's crying.
00:33:19.000 Now you guys can't be friends.
00:33:20.000 Now you can't hang out.
00:33:21.000 That's ruined the whole foosball session.
00:33:24.000 Obviously!
00:33:25.000 Uh, and this is obvious too.
00:33:29.000 So, it's obvious that these guys are not experiencing, uh...
00:33:33.000 Do they experience menopause?
00:33:34.000 I'm 48.
00:33:34.000 Would I be going through menopause right now?
00:33:36.000 Do you invent hot flashes?
00:33:38.000 Do you just turn up the heat to 85 so you can have a hot flash?
00:33:41.000 Go to the sauna?
00:33:42.000 But they want to experience menstruation and they obviously can't get the blood thing going. 0.98
00:33:49.000 Please don't try, folks at home.
00:33:51.000 If you identify as female and you're cis, please don't make yourself bleed.
00:33:57.000 But at least they say we definitely do get PMS.
00:34:01.000 So, on the 28th day of their cycle, they get moody and irrational. 0.90
00:34:06.000 And the amazing thing about this, I'll probably say this on CRTV tonight because we're doing a segment on it, but why do you want all the shitty stuff about being a chick? 0.98
00:34:14.000 Feminists are kind of smart when they whine. 1.00
00:34:16.000 They go, we want to be in action movies, we want to be movie directors, we want to go to strip clubs, we want all the fun stuff.
00:34:25.000 And they never complain about their lack of representation in sanitation,
00:34:29.000 Or agriculture.
00:34:30.000 They don't say, I want to bale more hay.
00:34:32.000 Why don't I get to drive the combine?
00:34:34.000 Why don't I risk losing my arms in the shredder?
00:34:38.000 Why don't I work at the meat packing plant with giant, razor-sharp hatchets and almost cut my thumb off 50 times a day? 0.99
00:34:46.000 They don't want any of this shitty stuff. 0.98
00:34:47.000 And I understand that. 1.00
00:34:49.000 Shitty sucks. 1.00
00:34:50.000 That's why they're called shitty. 1.00
00:34:52.000 But these dudes who become women, they're like, I want menopause. 1.00
00:34:56.000 I want to have to sleep with always with wings stuck to my panties.
00:35:01.000 I want to be sluggish every three days for every month.
00:35:05.000 I want to have trouble saying words.
00:35:07.000 That's how I can always tell, by the way, if my wife is getting there.
00:35:10.000 She'll start getting dyslexic and get words wrong. 0.64
00:35:13.000 In another way, you can tell if your wife is approaching that day.
00:35:16.000 You'll be having an argument, and you'll say something logical.
00:35:20.000 And the argument won't let up.
00:35:22.000 In fact, it will intensify.
00:35:24.000 And you go, that's weird.
00:35:25.000 Usually my life partner is very rational, and we come to conclusions together in a reasonable way.
00:35:31.000 Which is, I know that sounds, a lot of you married guys are going, what? 1.00
00:35:35.000 You're lucky, my wife's fucking nuts. 1.00
00:35:37.000 Well, you haven't been married long enough. 1.00
00:35:38.000 I've been with my wife since 2001, before we got married.
00:35:43.000 And we're just inmates now in this cell.
00:35:46.000 And it's not the most romantic metaphor, but if you're in a cell with a dude for a life sentence, you don't fight.
00:35:51.000 What are you gonna do?
00:35:52.000 Get in a fist fight with him?
00:35:53.000 How is that gonna win?
00:35:54.000 So you just... If you're really, really mad, instead of fighting, you might sleep in a different room or just leave.
00:36:01.000 But having a fight after knowing someone for almost 20 years, it's just a waste of time.
00:36:06.000 But you'll notice that there is a weird fight on the 20th day.
00:36:10.000 And you'll go, yeah, I'm going to stop this fight now because it's being fueled by menstruation, not rationality. 0.85
00:36:18.000 And these dudes go, I want some of that. 1.00
00:36:20.000 I want a piece of this.
00:36:22.000 Now, I get sexy.
00:36:25.000 To bring it all back to the beginning.
00:36:27.000 I totally get that.
00:36:28.000 It kind of sucks that men will never know what it's like to have someone drool. 1.00
00:36:34.000 You idiot sending dick pics. 1.00
00:36:36.000 It's never going to happen. 1.00
00:36:37.000 Women see an erection as a tool. 1.00
00:36:41.000 It's like a hard drive. 0.97
00:36:43.000 No one looks at a computer's hard drive and goes, oh yeah.
00:36:47.000 What a beautiful machine.
00:36:48.000 It's like the, uh, what's that thing on a car?
00:36:52.000 The accelerator?
00:36:52.000 No, the thing that always goes out?
00:36:54.000 The attrition?
00:36:55.000 The alternator!
00:36:56.000 It's like the alternator in a car. 0.98
00:36:58.000 If it starts fucking up, the whole engine's dead, your car's useless, you gotta get a new alternator, you gotta get your alternator fixed. 1.00
00:37:03.000 That's how women see penises. 1.00
00:37:05.000 It's just a thing. 1.00
00:37:06.000 Like, they don't sit there staring at it going, that is one hell of a cock. 0.99
00:37:10.000 Wow. 1.00
00:37:12.000 Now, there might be one person out there who goes, actually, some chick requested a dick pic. 1.00
00:37:20.000 I believe that may have happened once, but I don't think she got it and went, oh yeah, finally a penis I can stare at. 1.00
00:37:28.000 I think it's more like currency. 0.98
00:37:31.000 Like it shows that you trust her, and she appreciates that, and you know, she knows it's not a micropenis or something.
00:37:37.000 It's more just like, I appreciate that you trusted me enough to send me that, and you're serious.
00:37:42.000 You know? 0.99
00:37:43.000 It definitely isn't, like the idea of a woman sitting down and doing a watercolor of your dick is just unfathomable. 1.00
00:37:49.000 It's not gonna happen. 0.99
00:37:50.000 And I totally get that.
00:37:51.000 I feel the same way!
00:37:53.000 It must be cool to be sexy.
00:37:55.000 It must be fun.
00:37:56.000 I definitely remember, I was maybe 16, and I was breathtakingly gorgeous.
00:38:01.000 And I think I remember this woman catcalling me.
00:38:04.000 Like, oh yeah, wouldn't mind a piece of that, yeah.
00:38:08.000 That, I believe, is the only time in my 48 years, and that was maybe 8 seconds, and they could have been being sarcastic.
00:38:14.000 That's the only time I've experienced it. 0.99
00:38:15.000 Now, basically every girl who's like a 5.9 and up gets it on a daily basis of just dudes just going, what a fucking fox. 1.00
00:38:26.000 Even like a 5 if she's wearing, you know, high heel shoes and socks and there's some cleavage happening and she's managed to grow her hair. 1.00
00:38:34.000 That's all you have to do, ladies. 0.94
00:38:35.000 Don't be incredibly fat.
00:38:36.000 Have long hair.
00:38:37.000 Wear high heel shoes.
00:38:38.000 Ladies, if you're lonely, listen closely.
00:38:41.000 Long hair.
00:38:42.000 Bit of cleavage.
00:38:44.000 High-heeled shoes.
00:38:45.000 I don't care what's in the middle.
00:38:47.000 It could be sweatpants and a hockey jersey.
00:38:51.000 As long as there's high-heeled shoes at the bottom and long hair at the top.
00:38:54.000 And you don't have to wear high-heeled shoes every day.
00:38:57.000 If you wear high-heeled shoes three days a week, three times a week, from sunrise to bedtime, you will find a man.
00:39:06.000 And it helps if you go to bars and you're around at last call, but I know you're not just like it's easy to get laid I guess as a woman, but you're looking for a dude, but so I don't even know what your social life is I don't think it's that important, but just high-heeled shoes and long hair and don't be huge and we'll work something out That's the deal with women, and I mean that's the way God designed it because he thought I just it's easy to get a 1.00
00:39:30.000 To get the dude horny, he just has a penis. 0.99
00:39:32.000 Like, you can see this with spiders. 1.00
00:39:33.000 A male spider fucks a female spider. 1.00
00:39:36.000 He's a fifth of her size, because God put all the weight on the woman, like all the intricacies and the reproductive systems and all that fancy stuff is in the female spider, so it's huge. 0.98
00:39:47.000 It's got to cram all that stuff in there.
00:39:48.000 The dude is just... 0.99
00:39:51.000 I know this sounds very misandrist because I'm saying men are garbage, but God wasn't really working hard on the male spiders. 0.99
00:39:57.000 And you can tell by a naked human that he wasn't up all night working on this design. 1.00
00:40:02.000 I mean, if I was to send you a picture of me naked right now, you would laugh your fucking head off. 1.00
00:40:09.000 I look like Grover with alopecia, wearing a Santa Claus beard. 0.99
00:40:16.000 But, uh, yeah, the female spider will often eat the male spider after he's done impregnating her. 0.99
00:40:21.000 Because she might as well eat some food.
00:40:22.000 That's why guys get tattoos.
00:40:24.000 Because our bodies are just, pfft, whatever, I don't care.
00:40:26.000 I'm gonna draw on it.
00:40:27.000 I have a tattoo of a gravestone on my arm I'm looking at right now, and it says, Greg and Tiny Toes.
00:40:33.000 Those are my daughter's hamsters who passed, and I have a testament to that.
00:40:36.000 I also have a top hat with Crickety Cricket written below it, because my son, my middle son,
00:40:42.000 Duncan, he thought that, um, he thought that Jiminy Cricket was, uh, was called Crickety Cricket.
00:40:49.000 And it was the cutest thing in the world, and I kept nagging him.
00:40:51.000 I'd go, Hey, uh, what's Pinocchio's friend there?
00:40:54.000 The little, uh, grasshopper?
00:40:55.000 And he'd go, God, Dad, why do you keep forgetting?
00:40:59.000 His name's Crickety Cricket.
00:41:01.000 How many times have we been through this?
00:41:03.000 And then I got the tattoo, and then when he discovered it was Jiminy Cricket, he sort of broke it to me.
00:41:07.000 Yeah, hey, I got some bad news.
00:41:09.000 Your tattoo's wrong.
00:41:11.000 It's actually, I realize now it's Jiminy Cricket.
00:41:13.000 Thanks.
00:41:15.000 He speaks normal English now, and all I'm left with is one kid with his cute-isms.
00:41:20.000 Like, uh, just today, he said, uh, hey, is my, can you still see my bruise or is it fainting?
00:41:27.000 Yeah, your bruise is fainting.
00:41:30.000 Anyway. 0.99
00:41:31.000 It's gross to discuss kids in a podcast that's about stripping and sex, but... 0.98
00:41:37.000 The moral of this story is, gentlemen, I know you see a beautiful woman in high heel shoes, and obviously you're trying to do her, that's a doy. 0.99
00:41:44.000 But also, part of you goes, that must be weird.
00:41:47.000 Well, that's where it begins and ends, my friend.
00:41:51.000 Like I look at baseball, and I look at Noah Syndergaard throw a ball at 100 miles an hour, and I go, that must be weird.
00:41:58.000 The fastest I, if I could break my arm whipping a ball, and I might get up to 45 miles an hour,
00:42:05.000 He, a slow ball for him is twice that.
00:42:08.000 That's, I just can't get my mind around that.
00:42:10.000 That's something I'll never experience. 0.98
00:42:11.000 Big fucking deal. 1.00
00:42:14.000 Sorry trannies, you can't just buy a woman on a shelf. 1.00
00:42:17.000 You can't put on a Noah Syndergaard hat with a blonde wig and now you identify as Noah Syndergaard.
00:42:23.000 There's some things that are just meant to be
00:42:26.000 A mystery.
00:42:27.000 There's some things you can't have, you spoiled brats. 1.00
00:42:30.000 You have to look at them and just, instead of wanting them like you're Gollum and it's the ring, oh my precious, my precious, I must have femininity and being sexy, I must have it. 1.00
00:42:42.000 You should just revere it, like the guy drinking his beer looking at the woman's asshole. 1.00
00:42:46.000 That's a beautiful anus. 1.00
00:42:48.000 Women are much prettier than men. 1.00
00:42:50.000 My anus looks like a holocaust. 1.00
00:42:53.000 It looks like the end of the world. 0.99
00:42:55.000 It looks like something out of Dune. 0.99
00:42:56.000 A woman's anus, it looks like the center of an orchid. 1.00
00:43:03.000 Reminds me of the guy, the kid, the joke about a kid. 1.00
00:43:06.000 He asked his dad, what does a vagina look like? 1.00
00:43:08.000 And his dad goes, before or after sex? 0.99
00:43:11.000 And the son goes, I don't know what that means.
00:43:13.000 And he goes, well, there's, there's two types.
00:43:15.000 And this, the kid goes, uh, before sex?
00:43:17.000 And he goes, it looks like an orchid at, at, at dawn with dew drops on it.
00:43:22.000 Uh, you know, in the spring in a, in a botanical garden.
00:43:26.000 And the kid goes, oh, okay.
00:43:28.000 And what does it look like after sex? 0.96
00:43:30.000 And the dad says, it looks like a bulldog just ate a jar of mayonnaise. 0.74
00:43:37.000 That joke always cracks me up.
00:43:39.000 I heard another funny racist one on Kumi's show too.
00:43:42.000 He said, uh, the guy goes, uh, I didn't know that slopes was a racist term for Asians.
00:43:47.000 I never knew that.
00:43:48.000 I don't know why no one told me.
00:43:49.000 So, you know, I was going skiing the other day and I said to these gooks, hey gooks, you want to go hit the slopes? 1.00
00:43:52.000 And they were super offended.
00:43:56.000 The war on, the war on good jokes is the war on hate speech.
00:44:01.000 Anyway, uh,
00:44:03.000 Yeah, instead of just demanding that you acquire it, you get it somehow.
00:44:07.000 Like these cunts who came up with those parameters at UCB on sketches and how to do trans-positive comedy and what rules. 0.99
00:44:15.000 You know, one of the things in this UCB flyer was you cannot use the term straight man anymore. 0.92
00:44:21.000 Like in jokes, you know, there's the jokey guy and the straight man.
00:44:23.000 You have to call him voice of reason.
00:44:27.000 Now you know what that really is? 0.99
00:44:28.000 That's ugly fat losers who aren't funny wanting the comedy clubs, wanting to be part of the funny crowd. 1.00
00:44:37.000 So they can't... 1.00
00:44:39.000 We're good. 1.00
00:44:58.000 And I just, I really hate that kind of fucking culture. 1.00
00:45:02.000 I can't say enough about the culture of reverence. 1.00
00:45:05.000 It makes everything your favorite movie.
00:45:07.000 Like I go outside, I remember Margaret Sanger of all people, the founder of Planned Parenthood, sorry to be quoting her pro-lifers, fellow pro-lifers, but she just said, sometimes I look on the streets and I'm just in awe of man's creations.
00:45:23.000 And you know, when you see this garbage truck or a ski lift where the top closes down, or an elevator, like you could spend a thousand years trying to recreate that from scratch and you wouldn't even come close.
00:45:38.000 Even this sound equipment I'm really impressed by.
00:45:41.000 I mean, I took that kind of stuff in high school.
00:45:44.000 I mean, we'd start, you know,
00:45:45.000 Maybe it's because I'm getting older and I've done a lot of stuff, but...
00:46:11.000 You know, the more you accomplish, the less you trivialize others' accomplishments.
00:46:16.000 And I think the reason that we have this bratty, spoiled... I want that! 1.00
00:46:20.000 I want to acquire womanhood. 0.87
00:46:21.000 I want to acquire comedy.
00:46:23.000 You didn't build that.
00:46:24.000 I'm not impressed with a garbage truck. 1.00
00:46:26.000 Whatever, it's stupid. 0.99
00:46:28.000 I think that comes from people not accomplishing things. 1.00
00:46:31.000 It comes from illegals doing their jobs and never having a job and never starting a business. 1.00
00:46:37.000 Fucking... Before you shit on an entrepreneur, open a lemonade stand. 1.00
00:46:41.000 Make a hundred dollars and have one... No, start anything and have one employee. 1.00
00:46:45.000 And then you can shut down the business, then get back to me and tell me how the rich are evil and everyone's greedy. 0.98
00:46:56.000 I am here to support a culture of reverence, and that extends from a stripper's asshole all the way to those giant things that build ocean-going paddle steamers. 0.98
00:47:07.000 And those weird containers, you know those shipping containers? 0.99
00:47:10.000 The ships that carry shipping containers?
00:47:13.000 The machines that build those ships?
00:47:16.000 My jaw hits the floor when I see them. 0.95
00:47:17.000 Just fucking amazing. 1.00
00:47:20.000 And, by the way, when you see the East, the non-Western world, try to duplicate it, you just go, Jesus, you guys suck. 1.00
00:47:27.000 You're not good at our stuff. 0.99
00:47:28.000 You're like 500 years away, and it's not because of white privilege or wealth or Western privilege or cheating.
00:47:35.000 We didn't cheat when we made the F-15 fighter jet. 0.97
00:47:38.000 We just made an awesome plane, and I am fucking impressed by it. 0.75
00:47:42.000 I'm impressed by the XM-1 tank. 0.95
00:47:45.000 I believe the fastest tank there is.
00:47:47.000 My dad worked on that, by the way.
00:47:48.000 Anyway, now I'm babbling.
00:47:50.000 So yeah, I've made my point.
00:47:52.000 Please go to CRTV.com and sign up for Get Off My Lawn.
00:47:56.000 You can use the passcode GAVIN.
00:47:58.000 I think it gets you $10 off.
00:48:00.000 You don't get a free mug, by the way.
00:48:01.000 I was wrong.
00:48:01.000 That was a brief promotional thing.
00:48:04.000 So I apologize for pretending that you were going to get a mug.
00:48:07.000 I was wrong about that.
00:48:09.000 But yeah, we've got a fun show.
00:48:11.000 I've got Diamond and Silk on the show on Friday night.
00:48:15.000 That'll be fun.
00:48:16.000 Hanging, goofing with the gals. 0.95
00:48:18.000 We're just going to talk about Maxine Waters and Bill Maher and all these lunatic lefties and what, why are they doing that? 0.97
00:48:24.000 What makes them tick? 0.54
00:48:25.000 We'll try to get to the bottom of it with Diamond and Silk. 1.00
00:48:28.000 And shit like that. 0.99
00:48:30.000 CRTV.com. 0.99
00:48:31.000 Please sign up and I like you more than a friend.
00:48:33.000 Bye.