Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - September 11, 2018


Get Off My Lawn Podcast #80 | I’m thinking about getting a jean jacket


Episode Stats

Length

40 minutes

Words per Minute

184.9342

Word Count

7,496

Sentence Count

626

Misogynist Sentences

24

Hate Speech Sentences

44


Summary

On the 9/11 anniversary of the attacks on the U.S. buildings in New York City, I thought of a terrible thing: what if someone else was behind the attacks, and it wasn't a random act of terror? And I wonder if it could have been an act of random terrorism, and why we're not more angry about it, or more angry at the way people distance themselves from it. And then I think of something else, and wonder if the attacks could have happened in the 70s, or in the 80s, and how many people would have done the same thing, and what would we have done about it. I also talk about a bunch of other things, but that's not really what this episode is about, is it? It's about the idea that we should all be angry about something that happened on our soil, and about the people who didn't do anything about it and about how we should be mad at them for not being angry enough about it or about how people aren't angry enough to do something about it or about the fact that we don't get a pass for being angry at them or that they don't do enough to protest it or something like that. And I talk about the Transformers convention I went to in Vegas and how tired I am and how my arms are in a weird way and I don't think that's a bad thing, but it's not a bad, and I think it's a good thing And it's funny that I don t care about that I'm tired and I just don't have arms. . Thank you so much for listening to this episode, I hope you like it, and that you'll listen to it, I really appreciate it, it really does get better next week, I love you, I'll see you next week. - Tom and I will try to make it next week! Tom - Brian Matt Brian - Jeff Ben - Ben Jack Sarah David Josh Jake Mike Tim Evan Mark Dan John Michael Chris Chad Matthew Jacob Kevin Julian Will Andrew Joe Paul Justin James Chett Steve Daniel Patrick


Transcript

00:00:00.000 I'm thinking about getting a jean jacket.
00:00:03.000 Am I too old?
00:00:04.000 Is half a century old too old for a jean jacket?
00:00:07.000 Not really.
00:00:08.000 Soccer hooligans, when you go to the UK to a Tommy Robertson rally, all those old chavs with the Fred Perrys and the Adidas, they got jean jackets.
00:00:19.000 Like, I'm trying to convince myself.
00:00:20.000 They got jean jackets.
00:00:22.000 It's okay.
00:00:24.000 I'll try it.
00:00:25.000 I'll tell you what, I'll try it.
00:00:26.000 I know you can't wear the Canadian tuxedo with the jeans and a jean jacket, especially at my age.
00:00:30.000 That's a given.
00:00:31.000 But people in the community, in the fashion community, the rules community, say you can only wear blue denim right up to 30 and then after, I think it's 55, but not in between 30 and 55.
00:00:46.000 Screw them rules.
00:00:48.000 But I kind of agree with them.
00:00:51.000 I hate those rules, but I kind of agree with them.
00:00:53.000 But I'll wear the odd blue jean, especially in the summer at a heatwave, blue jean shorts.
00:00:57.000 Anyway, I know, September 11th.
00:01:01.000 I don't really want to talk about it.
00:01:02.000 I did a whole podcast on it, you can dig that up.
00:01:06.000 If I was a good podcaster, I'd have already dug it up for you.
00:01:11.000 But, you know, there's not that many episodes, just scroll down.
00:01:13.000 I've also done a lot about 9-11 on my show.
00:01:16.000 I recently did a thing about how we said never forget, apparently we forgot.
00:01:21.000 We in New York should get a pass for Islamophobia.
00:01:25.000 We give Jews a pass when it comes to hating Germany.
00:01:28.000 They're allowed to hate them to this day.
00:01:30.000 Can I please be a little irrational when it comes to Islam when I saw two towers collapse right next to my house three miles away?
00:01:38.000 That's not as the crow flies either.
00:01:44.000 That's driving.
00:01:45.000 I could see it right there.
00:01:46.000 Felt like I could throw a golf ball at it.
00:01:50.000 Um, maybe if I had thrown a golf ball just with the perfect trajectory I could have hit the pilot's window.
00:01:58.000 Here's a terrible thought that I shouldn't be saying on this anniversary, but do you ever think, how did you guys hijack a plane with carpet cutters?
00:02:06.000 Could have this been a bystander's effect where we always think someone else is going to do it?
00:02:12.000 Could the success of those attacks be linked to this sort of passive mentality we're encouraged to have when it comes to violence, the fear of offending people?
00:02:25.000 Could- would it have happened in the 70s?
00:02:27.000 And I'd like to apologize, right now, for bringing up that notion on September 11th.
00:02:32.000 Sounds like I'm blaming the victims, and it's a fucking disgusting thing, but... That's the thing about wondering, you're allowed to wonder.
00:02:41.000 And, uh, it was an incredible attack on our soil.
00:02:43.000 I think it cost them ten grand.
00:02:45.000 We're still paying trillions to recover.
00:02:49.000 And, uh, it's a very sad fucking day, and I hate that people aren't more angry about it.
00:02:54.000 And I hate how people distance Islam from it.
00:02:56.000 But, that's a bummer podcast.
00:02:59.000 And, uh, I've got miles and miles and miles of things I've said about this day.
00:03:07.000 Including the guys I saw on the roof across from my friend's house going, yeah, bomb that shit, nigga!
00:03:16.000 So you can dig that up, but suffice to say it was a moment that polarized the world.
00:03:21.000 It politicized me and Anthony Comey and Pamela Geller and millions of other people, and it woke us up to the fact that Islam is different from other religions.
00:03:31.000 More importantly,
00:03:32.000 I just flew in from Vegas and boy are my arms tired.
00:03:38.000 I just flew back from a Transformers convention and boy are my arms tires.
00:03:46.000 George W. Bush after Katrina, he just flew back from a tour around some of the damage and boy are his farms mired.
00:03:55.000 This is something Jay Johnson and the Mr. Show Guy Dino Sloppilopolis used to do a lot.
00:04:00.000 They would come up with variations.
00:04:02.000 One of the weirdest ones was, uh, I just came back from a pedophile convention and my arms are in buoys or something?
00:04:12.000 I forget what that one was, but it was like implying something about fisting buoys.
00:04:17.000 It was terrible.
00:04:19.000 A lot of them stank.
00:04:20.000 But the funny thing about that is they'd all be sitting on a table, not laughing, just staring at the table, sort of stroking their chins, going, I just can't, okay, I got it, I got it, I just came back, and then they would say whatever it was.
00:04:32.000 I don't think anything could beat the Transformers one.
00:04:34.000 Boy, are my arms tired.
00:04:36.000 Gilbert Gottfried has a great long bit about how he held Janis Joplin in his, I'm just slaughtering this joke, by the way, but he,
00:04:47.000 He was a child of the 60s and he knew a lot of these people because he's in show business and he had Janis Joplin in his arms as she died.
00:04:54.000 He held her and he kissed her and he held her up and inevitably, you know, when someone's ODing, their fate is set.
00:05:03.000 And she slowly passed in his arms as he held her.
00:05:06.000 And he was also there for Jimi Hendrix.
00:05:08.000 He held him in his arms and watched him choking his own vomit.
00:05:13.000 Anyway,
00:05:15.000 I just got back from the last days of the Jim Jones cult, and boy are my arms tired.
00:05:21.000 Anyway, he draws it out for much longer, and with that voice, it's a lot better.
00:05:28.000 But yeah, we have this thing called West Fest, which is kind of, it's linked to what I opened the show with because, or not the jean jacket, but the September 11th, because we choose to go to Vegas on September 11th, or the closest Saturday therein, and just fucking give her.
00:05:44.000 Just get hammered.
00:05:46.000 I got, uh, strep throat somehow.
00:05:48.000 I guess we were making out with a lot of hunks.
00:05:51.000 But that hurts.
00:05:52.000 It hurts to swallow.
00:05:54.000 I guess that comes from someone having strep throat, touching their mouth, shaking my hand.
00:05:58.000 I must have shooken, shaked, uh, uh, 500 hands that weekend.
00:06:05.000 But, um, God, what an ordeal it is.
00:06:08.000 I fucking hate traveling so much because I'm retarded at it.
00:06:11.000 And, uh,
00:06:13.000 And New York is a mess.
00:06:15.000 So I flew down there, Friday night, I'm guest editing Penthouse Australia, and having not edited a magazine for 10 years, I forgot how much work it is.
00:06:23.000 So I fly down there, I want Mercedes Carrera to be the cover, and I want to mimic the Donald Trump Playboy cover, with me wearing a tuxedo and her wearing my jacket.
00:06:32.000 And then I wanted the inside.
00:06:33.000 I'd made the inside total 80s look, like my ideal women, which is the lace short ankle socks, high heel shoes, lace fingerless gloves, you know, sideways ponytails, all that shit.
00:06:47.000 All that accelerator girls, like from the ZZ Top video.
00:06:50.000 Legs!
00:06:52.000 I even brought my ghetto blaster I use on Get Off My Lawn, which weighs 900 pounds, and it took up all of my luggage.
00:07:00.000 So I had a giant suitcase that was 90% ghetto blaster with some socks littered around the edge.
00:07:06.000 And so I had to check a bag, which is crucial to this story.
00:07:09.000 So I got there so late that I couldn't find the Proud Boys.
00:07:16.000 Did I mention it's a Proud Boys convention?
00:07:17.000 Yeah.
00:07:18.000 Because around two o'clock the groups lose their cohesion and there's like five guys at this hotel, four guys at this hotel, blah blah blah blah.
00:07:25.000 I chose Milo.
00:07:26.000 Milo Yiannopoulos was there.
00:07:28.000 He was, we have an award for best black guy, best black it's called, and he was determined to win that.
00:07:33.000 In fact,
00:07:34.000 He made a costume of dreads and a giant black crown, and made two big banners that he brought on stage with him that said, Congratulations to Milo for winning Best Black.
00:07:45.000 He didn't win Best Black, a black guy won Best Black.
00:07:47.000 Sorry Milo, it's not your show.
00:07:49.000 This is not your event.
00:07:51.000 But it doesn't matter.
00:07:52.000 You know, the fact that he brought all those banners and got the photos, then he essentially won as far as the history books will go.
00:07:59.000 Only the Ledgers will have the truth.
00:08:02.000 Um, so I got there too late, uh, ran on some errands, got some party favors, and, uh, I thought I might as well just stay at their house, the house where we're doing the shoot, because the shoot starts in the morning.
00:08:13.000 And it's Mark Randazza's house, who's the free speech attorney you may have heard of.
00:08:18.000 We're partying.
00:08:18.000 And so we go there.
00:08:20.000 Mercedes is with her husband.
00:08:21.000 They go to bed.
00:08:23.000 And I just hang out with the photographer.
00:08:26.000 He's a porn guy.
00:08:27.000 He's got tattoos all over his face.
00:08:29.000 He's a giant.
00:08:30.000 He looks like two bouncers taped together.
00:08:34.000 And we just talked all night.
00:08:35.000 It was fun.
00:08:36.000 Then we did the shoot in the morning.
00:08:38.000 But I'm an old man, so I'm beat at this point.
00:08:40.000 And by the time we had this dinner, everyone paid extra to have dinner with me and Roger Stone.
00:08:45.000 Roger Stone didn't show up.
00:08:46.000 He missed his flight.
00:08:48.000 And by the time I got to the actual meet, I was like hiding in the bathroom trying to barf.
00:08:54.000 I did a speech and everything, and it was derivative and uninspiring.
00:09:00.000 But these guys already have their own momentum.
00:09:03.000 They rented this huge venue that has a backyard with containers on it, and they had ladders to go to the top of the containers.
00:09:10.000 And when you stand there, people look up at you, and then Trump Tower is behind you.
00:09:14.000 It's a beautiful view.
00:09:16.000 Then they had another room with like sand kind of pebbles on it and just boxing gloves and guys would go there and fight.
00:09:24.000 I could have had a few good fights if I wasn't so wasted.
00:09:27.000 Not really wasted, but more just like beaten down.
00:09:30.000 I had a great time, by the way.
00:09:31.000 I'm not saying I didn't have a wonderful time, but I could have been way better.
00:09:36.000 I could have been like Braveheart at that thing and I was more like...
00:09:40.000 It's more of an Animal House-y kind of vibe, where there's otters saying, hey, I'm damn pleased to meet you.
00:09:45.000 And in retrospect, that's the way it should be.
00:09:47.000 It shouldn't be Gavifest, you know?
00:09:49.000 It shouldn't be everyone coming to hear me talk and me do stuff.
00:09:53.000 This thing should go on for years after I'm gone, and it should happen if I can't make it.
00:09:59.000 It's called WestFest.
00:10:01.000 It's about celebrating the West and celebrating everything that makes us great.
00:10:05.000 And we chose September 11th on purpose.
00:10:08.000 Because we're looking forward, and we're not... I don't like the fact that there's memorials.
00:10:18.000 Or, I shouldn't say that.
00:10:19.000 I think we overdo it with the memorials.
00:10:22.000 For example, with September 11th.
00:10:24.000 September 12th, start working on the new World Trade Center that's going to look exactly the same as the old World Trade Center.
00:10:32.000 So, ideally, this would have been my goal as president, if I was George W. Bush,
00:10:39.000 My goal would have been for British people to think that September 11th never happened.
00:10:44.000 I would consider that a feather in my cap as president.
00:10:48.000 And there'd be a little plaque there and it would say, for the record on September 11th there were some Muslims who blew up some shit here and the towers were down for a little while, a few months, but they're back now so we don't need to dwell.
00:11:02.000 Look at the evidence.
00:11:03.000 Look at the footage.
00:11:04.000 You will notice when the first plane goes in, there's a plume of smoke before the plane hits.
00:11:11.000 That's the fucking explosion, mate.
00:11:13.000 All of that.
00:11:14.000 Notice the two planes look exactly the same.
00:11:16.000 It's the same plane.
00:11:18.000 It's CGI stock footage.
00:11:20.000 You get that from... Look, here it is.
00:11:23.000 It's called a 757.
00:11:23.000 There's the 757 you get in After Effects, in Adobe.
00:11:30.000 Yes, please.
00:11:31.000 Okay, you got me, I'd say.
00:11:32.000 And the fucking terrorists would be going, you cocksuckers!
00:11:35.000 We busted her ass on that!
00:11:37.000 It was an epic move!
00:11:40.000 But no, we had to spend 13 years and go, I don't know what it was, 13 billion over budget, to make something that looks like when you have a small gnat, a tiny black fly in your eye, and you make that tissue, you twist it at the top so you can really do like home surgery and pluck him off your eyeball.
00:12:02.000 That's what it looks like.
00:12:03.000 And I see it as a giant shrine to the time Islam attacked us on September 11th.
00:12:08.000 Nice work, guys.
00:12:09.000 I don't think they could have designed anything better themselves.
00:12:12.000 They would have had an ISIS flag and some Arabic on it or something, but I'm sure the Arabs are going, yes, that's pretty much what we're going for.
00:12:21.000 I don't know why I talk in a Pakistani accent, but I've traveled a lot, you know.
00:12:26.000 Now I'm the guy from, we got to move it, move it.
00:12:31.000 So the West Fest was sort of like saying, we'll never forget, but fuck them.
00:12:37.000 And it wasn't ignoring September 11th.
00:12:39.000 Obviously we chose that for a reason, but it was a way of saying, uh, we're here to enjoy everything that's great about being Westerners.
00:12:46.000 There's Canadians there and some weird guy, some Polish dude kept following me all night.
00:12:51.000 Kevin, can I have 30 seconds of your time?
00:12:54.000 Um, I go, no, no.
00:12:55.000 I just said, no, you can't.
00:12:57.000 He goes, they assassinated my father.
00:13:00.000 Okay, that sucks.
00:13:02.000 I don't want to get into it.
00:13:03.000 We're at a huge party.
00:13:04.000 There's beer everywhere.
00:13:06.000 And then there was chicks.
00:13:08.000 It's a dude's thing.
00:13:09.000 It's like the Shriners, Elks Lodge, Knights of Columbus.
00:13:13.000 It's a guy thing.
00:13:14.000 And these guys would still bring their chicks.
00:13:17.000 And it just adds this there's like 500 dudes and four or five chicks So obviously the guys start getting drunk and looming over them and it just and of course they appreciate it because they're getting this You know crazy attention from all these guys, but I don't know.
00:13:32.000 What are you doing here, dude?
00:13:34.000 You're making me horny put a burqa on You're distracting me.
00:13:38.000 Booj We did have to tell them to leave for the awards ceremony But let me just tell you about my trip
00:13:46.000 And now, this is gonna bore you, but I find it fascinating, so fuck you.
00:13:52.000 This is sort of like when Lenny Bruce would read his court transcripts, assuming everyone was as interested in the minutiae of his life as he is.
00:14:00.000 So I get in the car, right?
00:14:02.000 And I try to take the train.
00:14:03.000 Taking the train to Newark in Jersey is the only way to go.
00:14:07.000 And New Yorkers, can I say something to you?
00:14:09.000 Newark is not an airport.
00:14:11.000 It says New York City and all nearby airports, so that's JFK, LaGuardia, Newark.
00:14:11.000 It's not.
00:14:17.000 Let's stop doing that.
00:14:19.000 There are two airports in New York.
00:14:20.000 JFK, LaGuardia.
00:14:21.000 That's it.
00:14:23.000 Newark is in fucking New Jersey.
00:14:24.000 Let's stop pretending.
00:14:25.000 And New Jersey sucks.
00:14:27.000 The only good thing about New Jersey is you can fart in the car and you don't have to take the blame.
00:14:31.000 Even the GPS hates Jersey.
00:14:33.000 The second you cross the Lincoln Tunnel or the Holland Tunnel, the GPS just goes, I don't fucking know.
00:14:39.000 This looks like a pile of spaghetti.
00:14:41.000 It's where factories go to dump sludge.
00:14:45.000 I know a lot of people in Jersey are thinking, fuck you.
00:14:47.000 Yeah, well, fuck you.
00:14:51.000 But the train cuts through all that shit.
00:14:53.000 So if you're gonna go to the Newark airport, I don't know why you're doing that, but just get on the train from Penn and you're at Newark station in milliseconds.
00:15:01.000 But I made the mistake of taking my fucking car.
00:15:05.000 Um, cause the trains were at eight in the morning and then like after my flight.
00:15:09.000 So I gave up on the train idea.
00:15:10.000 I didn't want to do a cab, because there were a hundred bucks there, a hundred bucks back, and parking is probably only a hundred bucks, so I'd save a hundred bucks there.
00:15:17.000 So I get in the car, and I give myself tons of time.
00:15:20.000 I give myself, like, an hour.
00:15:23.000 No, no, I give myself about an hour and a half.
00:15:27.000 As I'm getting through the traffic, you start seeing all these signs that say George Washington Bridge, 90 minutes.
00:15:32.000 I know this is boring, okay, but it gets better.
00:15:35.000 And so I start pooping my pants.
00:15:38.000 And I'm telling you this, by the way, not to amuse you, but so you don't make the same stupid mistakes.
00:15:42.000 So I go, an hour and a half just to get to the bridge.
00:15:44.000 The bridge is halfway there.
00:15:45.000 This is gonna be like a three-hour drive.
00:15:47.000 I'm not gonna fucking make it!
00:15:49.000 And so, in traffic, I go on Orbitz and I buy another ticket.
00:15:53.000 I know that sounds crazy, but last time I missed my flight- Last year, by the way, I missed my flight because I was just having nachos and beer and looking at my phone, checking Twitter, and I didn't notice an hour had gone by and they closed the door.
00:16:07.000 I was banging on the door.
00:16:08.000 I got some Indian guy.
00:16:09.000 Dude, can you... I go, my family's in there!
00:16:11.000 I was lying.
00:16:12.000 My family's in there.
00:16:13.000 They're gonna die.
00:16:14.000 And he... I was pleading so much.
00:16:17.000 I was pushing the security button at the gate because no one was at the gate anymore.
00:16:21.000 And, uh, I think he went down the runway and pretended to, like, talk to the pilot, but he was just sort of waiting around the corner.
00:16:27.000 And then, of course, you see the accordion retract from the plane door.
00:16:31.000 And you go, well, I don't really see them getting me on one of those, uh, mobile staircases, uh, like from Arrested Development and hiking me out to that door and then them opening it somewhere on the runway.
00:16:45.000 It's looking pretty bad.
00:16:46.000 And then that time I had to come all the way back home and take another flight.
00:16:49.000 So now we're adding up hours and hours.
00:16:51.000 So, to avoid all that, I thought, I'll buy a ticket as insurance.
00:16:55.000 So my flight was at 4.
00:16:57.000 The ticket was $7.30.
00:16:59.000 And so I go through all this shit.
00:17:01.000 I don't feel that stressed out now, even though I spent... The other ticket was like $350.
00:17:05.000 So, I blew $350.
00:17:07.000 That's not a very good feeling, but at least I had insurance and I wasn't totally screwed.
00:17:12.000 Then after the George Washington Bridge,
00:17:14.000 Shit starts opening up.
00:17:16.000 So I fucking... There's a button on my car called Sport.
00:17:20.000 And it's not good for gas, but it's good for getting the job done.
00:17:25.000 So, I'm in a car commercial now, just... Overdrive, 4.9% financing, 5 liter engine, your local dealership... Pontiac builds excitement, and the gay-ass Waze keeps telling me to go off this highway, and I'm like, no, the 95 goes right to the door.
00:17:44.000 I'm good, thanks.
00:17:45.000 I'm not gonna get off this open highway and go through someone's backyard.
00:17:49.000 What is it with Waze?
00:17:50.000 Where you're driving along and you're in someone's...
00:17:53.000 Yard.
00:17:55.000 Is this saving one minute?
00:17:56.000 I'll stick to the highway, thanks.
00:17:58.000 Like, they took me off the 95 a few times in the Bronx, and I'm going through shitty Bronx traffic with rude pedestrians and people talking in double park.
00:18:08.000 How is that faster than even the shittiest traffic?
00:18:12.000 Plus, everyone else from Waze is with you on these dumb little Bronx streets.
00:18:17.000 God, the Bronx sucks.
00:18:20.000 It seems to be especially bad these past few weeks.
00:18:23.000 When I went away on vacation on that road trip, I came back and I had about 15 New York Posts.
00:18:28.000 And I'm just flipping through them and it's just, Bronx baby beaten to death.
00:18:30.000 Man, knocked out cold.
00:18:32.000 His pockets run through.
00:18:33.000 The fire in the Bronx kills 15.
00:18:35.000 Like, just Bronx, Bronx, Bronx.
00:18:38.000 Boogie down Bronx.
00:18:39.000 Boogied all the way down to hell.
00:18:42.000 So, um, ripping along, and now it's kind of looking good.
00:18:47.000 Now, if you have luggage to check and your flight's at 4, if you get it there at 3.15, you may make it, my friend.
00:18:54.000 They're cut off as 45 mins.
00:19:01.000 And I'm pretty good with the old PBA cards and I have a cop's badge from being friends with cops.
00:19:06.000 So if I get pulled over, I think I can talk my way out of it.
00:19:09.000 Maybe even get a police escort.
00:19:10.000 I have like a family member badge and all this shit.
00:19:13.000 So I'm not worried about getting pulled over.
00:19:15.000 ZING!
00:19:16.000 And there's no traffic.
00:19:17.000 So then I realize, alright, I can't park the fucking car.
00:19:19.000 That's gonna take too long.
00:19:20.000 Cause now it's 312.
00:19:20.000 And so I get there.
00:19:26.000 And I realize, I'll just park my car, and I'll grab my shit, and run, and do curbside checking, and then I'll go park the car.
00:19:34.000 And so I go screeching in, and I open the trunk, I grab the thing, and there's some bitch, like, these women who work these jobs with their oversized uniforms.
00:19:44.000 You know why your uniform looks ridiculous?
00:19:46.000 Because no one ever thought a woman would want this job, especially a five foot tall woman.
00:19:50.000 So she's out there trying to argue with cars,
00:19:53.000 In her giant jacket where the fingers are barely peeking out of the top.
00:19:57.000 And she's got her big security vest on with her big orange axe and she's like, Sir!
00:20:01.000 Sir!
00:20:01.000 Sir!
00:20:02.000 Fuck off!
00:20:02.000 What are you gonna do, shoot me?
00:20:04.000 Go shoot me!
00:20:05.000 So I just ignore her and I put it on the thing.
00:20:07.000 There's an old black dude there.
00:20:09.000 And, uh, believe it or not, he doesn't give a shit about my plight.
00:20:13.000 Yeah, I know, I'm as shocked as you.
00:20:16.000 But, uh, he doesn't care if I live or die.
00:20:18.000 So he doesn't have the same kind of panic that I have.
00:20:22.000 Now that the time is exactly 3 motherfucking 15.
00:20:27.000 So, I slam it down and I go, did I make it?
00:20:29.000 Did I make it?
00:20:30.000 And I'm fucking drenched in sweat.
00:20:32.000 I honestly feel like I'm in a Mission Impossible movie.
00:20:34.000 I've been racing in and out of cars.
00:20:36.000 Dun, dun, dun.
00:20:37.000 I had to turn off the radio because I needed to concentrate.
00:20:39.000 And I slam it down and he goes, what's your name?
00:20:42.000 Okay, we're not even pronouncing our words now.
00:20:45.000 You're so unenthused that your mouth is at the dentist.
00:20:49.000 What's your name?
00:20:51.000 I go, uh, McInnes.
00:20:52.000 M-C-I-N-N-E-S.
00:20:54.000 Okay, mm-hmm.
00:20:56.000 First name?
00:20:58.000 And I go, Gavin, I'm here for the 4 o'clock.
00:21:02.000 3.59 actually, the 4 o'clock.
00:21:04.000 Actually, 3.59 means I had to check in at 3.14, so that's looking even worse.
00:21:08.000 So my armpits are just like swimming pools.
00:21:12.000 And so he goes, credit card?
00:21:14.000 I go, credit card!
00:21:15.000 I made it!
00:21:15.000 I made it!
00:21:16.000 And so I give him my credit card and he prints out my things, takes it, and I was also worried it was too heavy, the ghetto blaster.
00:21:25.000 Boomboxes, you Americans say.
00:21:27.000 And he just goes, here's your receipt, and then he grabs it.
00:21:30.000 Like, did your family just die?
00:21:32.000 Why are you acting like this?
00:21:34.000 You don't have to blow me when I show up, but maybe just be like, oh, okay, let me check, sir.
00:21:38.000 Ooh, you're cutting it close!
00:21:40.000 You know, have some fun in your- you chose the- both of those people chose the wrong job.
00:21:43.000 The fucking tiny little woman trying to argue with- with drivers who are at death's door, and then this old black dude who doesn't give a little shit about anyone.
00:21:55.000 So I go, we're not out of the woods yet, McInnes.
00:21:59.000 That's Hockey Night in Canada I'm doing as my action movie sounds.
00:22:04.000 So I grab my shit, my cards and everything.
00:22:07.000 I leave them in the bag.
00:22:09.000 I park in the most expensive parking, the short-term parking.
00:22:12.000 That's like 60 bucks a day.
00:22:15.000 Grab my stuff.
00:22:16.000 Don't even lock the car.
00:22:16.000 Run!
00:22:17.000 I'm running through the gates.
00:22:18.000 Run, run, run.
00:22:20.000 Another reason never to go to Newark is it's designed by a guy who's Williard Nillard.
00:22:28.000 His nickname is Willy Nilly.
00:22:31.000 That's a joke I also just stole from Jay Johnson.
00:22:33.000 Where it goes, best place for you to park, fourth floor, level four.
00:22:37.000 That's the closest to your gate.
00:22:38.000 Okay.
00:22:39.000 And then you get out there and it goes down three escalators to the ground floor and then up three escalators.
00:22:44.000 Yeah, so I could have gone on any floor, thanks.
00:22:46.000 Thanks, signs!
00:22:48.000 So I get there, and I'm running through security, and guess what happens?
00:22:52.000 I say to one of the guys at the security gate, I go, uh, I go, hey man, can I go to the front of the line?
00:22:58.000 My flight's boarding right now.
00:22:59.000 It's 3.30.
00:23:00.000 And he goes, let me see your pass.
00:23:03.000 I show him my boarding ticket, whatever.
00:23:05.000 I can't believe I'm forgetting the name of that.
00:23:07.000 Probably because I'm traumatized.
00:23:08.000 I have PTSD.
00:23:10.000 Let me see your gate paper!
00:23:13.000 And, uh, he goes, haha, I think you're good, man.
00:23:17.000 This black guy cared about my life.
00:23:18.000 At least enough to laugh.
00:23:20.000 And I grab it back from him, and I look and guess what it says, motherfuckers?
00:23:25.000 7.30.
00:23:26.000 Right on.
00:23:31.000 So screw me.
00:23:32.000 For not telling that dude at curbside check-in that I'd actually bought two tickets.
00:23:37.000 But screw him a little bit.
00:23:39.000 I'm going to give 78% of the blame to me.
00:23:42.000 But screw him, to the tune of 22, for not saying, hey man, you're freaking out about the 4 o'clock.
00:23:49.000 You've got plenty of time.
00:23:50.000 Your flight's not till 7.30.
00:23:51.000 To which I could have said, no, no, no, that's a flight I'd already given up on, but I think I might still make.
00:23:57.000 And then he probably would have said, no, you didn't make that one.
00:23:59.000 I'll cancel that for you.
00:24:00.000 Because when I came back,
00:24:02.000 On Sunday, they go, you have no flights, sir.
00:24:06.000 And I go, pardonnez-moi.
00:24:08.000 Did you know this, folks?
00:24:09.000 If you don't make your flight and you don't register as cancelled and you buy another flight without asking, which I always do because inevitably when you go back to the gate and you talk to them and blah blah blah, they never give you a deal that's better than Orbitz.
00:24:21.000 They just go, okay, well, it'll be $400, you have to buy a new ticket.
00:24:24.000 And you go, thanks, bitch.
00:24:26.000 Why did I wait in line?
00:24:26.000 I could have just done this on my phone.
00:24:29.000 Um, but yeah, if you miss the first flight and it's not formally cancelled, they cancel your return!
00:24:36.000 So that's a $379 round trip down the drain, $350 for the 7.30 ticket, and then I had to buy a $400 ticket to come back.
00:24:47.000 What is that now?
00:24:48.000 $3.79?
00:24:49.000 So that's like $700?
00:24:52.000 $1,200?
00:24:52.000 And then the parking's another $120.
00:24:54.000 So it's like a $1,500 trip.
00:24:57.000 Not including the hotel.
00:25:01.000 Not to mention sitting on a plane for five hours.
00:25:04.000 Actually, I don't really mind that.
00:25:06.000 Because what I do is I pile back the Maker's Marks, which is also
00:25:09.000 You know, 120 bucks.
00:25:12.000 You pile back the maker's marks for a five-hour flight.
00:25:14.000 Same with LA.
00:25:15.000 You sit on the plane, you pass out immediately, and then you wake up and you got about an hour to go.
00:25:21.000 It's pretty good.
00:25:22.000 And if you're next to some gigantic fat pig, you just use them as a pillow.
00:25:27.000 If you're sober and there's someone huge and fat next to you with their big fat arm that looks like a leg spilling out over onto your side of it, um, that sucks.
00:25:37.000 However, if you're drunk out of your mind, you're just like, oh, it's Big Hero 6 robot just crawled in next to me.
00:25:46.000 One time,
00:25:47.000 There's a giant fatty and I just sort of snuggled up on him.
00:25:51.000 Just used him as a pillow.
00:25:52.000 Sorry man, but you ate up some of society's food.
00:25:55.000 Your debt to society should be human pillow.
00:25:59.000 So I cashed in our chips as a society and I used him as a human pillow.
00:26:04.000 And guess what?
00:26:05.000 I woke up at the end of the flight with a Chinese man next to me.
00:26:10.000 And I said, what the hell?
00:26:12.000 What are you doing here?
00:26:12.000 He said, oh, uh, um, hold on.
00:26:16.000 I was about to do Japanese.
00:26:18.000 No, I suck at accents today.
00:26:20.000 It's probably, I have strep throat from the trip, from the hangover.
00:26:23.000 I don't, I have no idea why.
00:26:26.000 But I'm on penicillin, and it's affecting my accents.
00:26:29.000 Anyway, the Chinese guy, I went to his accent, but he said, oh, man say he not want to sit here, so I take place.
00:26:39.000 And that's Japanese, but whatever.
00:26:42.000 And I guess what happened was, he said to the stewardess, this drunk ass won't stop sleeping on me.
00:26:47.000 Can I move?
00:26:49.000 And she probably asked around and said, Hey, um, this fat guy would like to move.
00:26:54.000 Anyone want to switch with him?
00:26:55.000 And the Chinese guy was like, I'll do it.
00:26:57.000 Why would you do that?
00:26:59.000 Like I understand if you're a good guy and it's like someone with their baby or something, but just a fat guy doesn't like being there.
00:27:05.000 That's weird.
00:27:06.000 Maybe he didn't understand it.
00:27:07.000 I don't know.
00:27:10.000 So the flying was an absolute nightmare, and then the hangover after not eating for three days and just drinking endless booze.
00:27:19.000 When you're 48, I'm actually getting kind of a panic attack just remembering it.
00:27:23.000 Sunday and Monday was unmitigated Guinness Book of World Records AIDS.
00:27:31.000 Where you're lying there in bed and you're in so much pain that all you can do is go... And to get up feels like hell on earth.
00:27:39.000 To stay there feels like hell on earth.
00:27:41.000 You go from hot to cold.
00:27:43.000 I think your body makes you hot to try to cook whatever.
00:27:46.000 Maybe I was trying to cook my strep throat.
00:27:48.000 And then you're shivering.
00:27:50.000 Like it really is.
00:27:51.000 It's like leaving Las Vegas.
00:27:52.000 Down and out in Las Vegas.
00:27:56.000 Oh God.
00:27:57.000 It was so bad.
00:27:58.000 And then I had to go to work on Monday.
00:28:00.000 Still brutally hungover.
00:28:02.000 Like I did that thing, you know when you're so hot you sort of crawl to the bathroom and lie on the tile floor?
00:28:08.000 And barfing is just, that's not gonna, you've gone way beyond barfing.
00:28:11.000 Barfing is for spoiled brats.
00:28:13.000 Barfing is heaven.
00:28:14.000 Oh, I have some food that I ate because I'm normal and I'm getting rid of it?
00:28:17.000 Easy peasy.
00:28:19.000 This is, this is like barfing is the last thing I'm gonna, because I haven't eaten in three days.
00:28:24.000 And so I went to New York yesterday, and I had a big day.
00:28:28.000 I was interviewing Ann Coulter, George Neumeier.
00:28:32.000 George Neumeier is this guy who did a book called Political Pope, and he's been at the forefront of investigating all these pedophile priests, which is way worse than you think.
00:28:40.000 According to him, this whole thing was a gay mafia, um, uh, takeover.
00:28:47.000 Where, like, my angle for it was, uh, priests, uh, they go, oh, you're gay?
00:28:53.000 Alright, be a priest.
00:28:54.000 And then it'll go, you can pray the gay away and you won't be gay.
00:28:56.000 And then inevitably they go, ah, I'm still horny.
00:28:59.000 But he goes, no, no, no.
00:28:59.000 It's gays saying, let's enter the Catholic Church.
00:29:02.000 It's a great place to take advantage of people.
00:29:05.000 Now, I don't know who's right, but his theory is pretty darn sinister about this sort of planned infiltration, the gay mafia, he calls it, who planned to do it in the 70s and have done it to the tunes of 10,000.
00:29:19.000 I know the books say 1,000.
00:29:21.000 I think the real number is more like 10,000 over the past 70 years, just in that one part of Pennsylvania.
00:29:27.000 Who knows what it's like in the whole of America?
00:29:32.000 And I don't know, man.
00:29:33.000 It makes me go... I chose Catholicism because it was just there.
00:29:37.000 I could have been anything.
00:29:37.000 Could have been Amish.
00:29:38.000 I'm a deist who thought, let's focus on one religion that will help us.
00:29:42.000 And Catholic Church seemed to be very open to criticism and open to science and stuff.
00:29:47.000 But this is a pretty big strike against you.
00:29:50.000 I mean, when I criticize Islam in Britain, I use the grooming gangs as the top example.
00:29:55.000 Terrorism is up there, too.
00:29:57.000 Now, the big difference obviously is that Muslims turn a blind eye to the grooming gangs in Britain and Catholics are fucking pissed about what we recently discovered.
00:30:07.000 We all were sort of under the impression it ended in the 80s.
00:30:10.000 Nope.
00:30:11.000 It has continued unabated.
00:30:12.000 Anyway, I had to talk to him.
00:30:14.000 And with Anne, it's hard to get Anne on your show.
00:30:17.000 And she only really comes out of hiding when she's got a book to promote.
00:30:20.000 So you want to be on with her, especially because she just wrote a book.
00:30:23.000 So every point that she's talking about is fresh in her mind.
00:30:26.000 Each chapter, she could talk about like it was yesterday.
00:30:29.000 She could probably do an audio version of her book without even picking it up.
00:30:33.000 And I've got to sit there and come up with stats.
00:30:35.000 Plus Anne is a total expert on the legislature and the house, and she's a lawyer.
00:30:41.000 And I'm a retard when it comes to that.
00:30:43.000 I don't even really know what the House is.
00:30:45.000 What is the House?
00:30:47.000 In Canada, I think it's when the left yells at the right.
00:30:51.000 The Liberals yell at the Tories in Britain.
00:30:52.000 Is that what we do in the House, Mr. Speaker?
00:30:55.000 What do you do?
00:30:55.000 You pass bills?
00:30:56.000 I don't care.
00:30:57.000 I have nothing but disdain for the government.
00:31:00.000 So when it comes to how they do their acts, it's like hearing how MS-13 plans their rapes.
00:31:06.000 It's not big on my priority list.
00:31:08.000 Anyway, so there's that and that, and then this other girl, Sarah al-Iraqiya, who is an ex-Muslim and has been writing a lot about what it's like to leave Islam and how evil she thinks it is, Islam.
00:31:25.000 So those are three pretty heady guests.
00:31:28.000 And I have the IQ of a fish and I'm sitting there on the train behind this couple, these tourists.
00:31:35.000 They're British and I can hear them nattering away.
00:31:38.000 And I didn't realize this until the end of the trip, but they've been talking a lot about, you know, they were kind of like Liverpudlian, and, oh, we're going to go to Central Park.
00:31:50.000 Yeah, that'll be good.
00:31:51.000 That was a terrible Liverpudlian.
00:31:52.000 I really, this penicillin is, hey, Ryan, don't do penicillin if you got a big day with impressions.
00:32:00.000 And then they stopped talking, and I realized, I think they thought I was masturbating.
00:32:03.000 Because I was behind them, and when I'm super hungover, all I can do is go... I think they thought I was beating off.
00:32:21.000 Just like at the guy's bald head and her sort of grey perm.
00:32:26.000 Oh yeah.
00:32:28.000 Oh, coming in from Liverpool.
00:32:30.000 You're all old and shit.
00:32:32.000 Yeah, you like that?
00:32:33.000 You got your little map.
00:32:35.000 You got some dates planned.
00:32:36.000 Oh yeah.
00:32:38.000 Gonna get lunch.
00:32:39.000 Oh yeah.
00:32:40.000 You're gonna go to a bunch of museums and shit.
00:32:42.000 Look at some nude ladies from the Renaissance era.
00:32:45.000 Oh yeah.
00:32:47.000 I must have said uh about 700 times.
00:32:52.000 Overall, it's been a very eventful couple of days, seven days.
00:32:57.000 I think I bit off more than I could chew, though, with this guest-editing Penthouse Australia.
00:33:03.000 I mean, I can think of a bunch of fun ideas, but, you know, the thing about a magazine or a newspaper is, when you're in the zone, it's like a well-oiled machine.
00:33:12.000 You're like, alright, ready?
00:33:13.000 Alright, you guys are gonna handle this thing, you're gonna handle that thing.
00:33:16.000 But when you start from scratch and you haven't done it in 10 years, it's just like getting the team together and everything and finding out who you can rely on and how you're going to pay them.
00:33:23.000 And are they going to pay a kill fee?
00:33:25.000 I mean, you know, the PGA work thing where the guide to everyone in the world, it's super harsh, really hard on us.
00:33:31.000 I've talked about on the show before, but I got Jim Go to do one.
00:33:36.000 He came up and he goes, but Australia is so PC that they're just going to kill it.
00:33:40.000 Can you give me a kill fee if they throw it out?
00:33:42.000 And then I called the guys in Australia and they go, we're not PC.
00:33:45.000 We're the last vestige of bribery in the Western world.
00:33:49.000 Another bad accent.
00:33:51.000 And, uh, I don't even know what's true anymore, but, but Jim's quite intelligent and he came up with a way to do it where, um, we don't have to worry about it getting killed.
00:34:02.000 And it is, uh, horrible ways some see different groups in society.
00:34:08.000 That's the worst phrasing ever.
00:34:10.000 But, uh, what not to call them, how not to see them.
00:34:14.000 Oh yeah, it was racial stereotypes.
00:34:15.000 We need to stop now.
00:34:17.000 And then once you set up that precept, of course, you can just go off.
00:34:22.000 And it's an homage to the P.J.
00:34:23.000 O'Rourke thing he did years ago in National Lampoon.
00:34:26.000 P.J.
00:34:27.000 was doing that, by the way.
00:34:28.000 He was sort of mocking racism.
00:34:29.000 That's what people don't get, too, about a lot of these things that are seemingly racist or homophobic, like when you say something is gay.
00:34:36.000 You're mocking that.
00:34:37.000 You're mocking homophobia.
00:34:40.000 And they're taking away mockery and they're taking away fun.
00:34:44.000 But P.J.
00:34:44.000 O'Rourke was doing that because he had horrible things to say about Africans.
00:34:47.000 He's like, they're not even really people.
00:34:50.000 But, and it sounds shocking.
00:34:52.000 And then you read what he says about Canadians and Australians and it's even worse.
00:34:56.000 And you realize how brainwashed you are when it comes to any criticism of black people.
00:35:02.000 Where you can, you read something horrible about a group of white people and you just go, haha, that's funny, they are fucking corny.
00:35:08.000 And then you read something about a group of black people that's exactly the same.
00:35:11.000 Same tone.
00:35:12.000 Maybe even a little less.
00:35:13.000 And you just go, that's really fucked up.
00:35:16.000 That's not funny, dude.
00:35:18.000 No way, Jose.
00:35:21.000 You know, this is off topic, but I was reading Robin Quiver's autobiography recently, and she gets real sort of anti-white about halfway through.
00:35:31.000 It's her autobiography, so it's halfway through her life, halfway through the book.
00:35:35.000 And I'm reading about her childhood, and it could not have been worse.
00:35:38.000 Raped by her dad.
00:35:40.000 Beaten by her mother, and then, this was actually kind of cool of her parents I guess, but they needed extra money so they'd take in foster children.
00:35:47.000 And they'd raise them for a couple years, sometimes four years from birth, and then the kids would get, you know, taken by someone else now that they're nice and cute and don't poo their pants.
00:35:57.000 Um, but that must be brutal on a young lady.
00:36:01.000 She's like 12, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14.
00:36:05.000 Falling in love with these little kids.
00:36:07.000 Like, changing their diapers, holding them.
00:36:10.000 I could almost cry talking about it.
00:36:11.000 Like, they're falling asleep on her, on her chest.
00:36:15.000 She's putting them to bed, kissing them on the forehead, and then, poof, they're gone.
00:36:18.000 Like, imagine, so, I think you're, you know, obviously 14-year-olds shouldn't be having babies, but they do have menstrual cycles, so there are some maternal instincts in there.
00:36:27.000 And to be having this woman be this maternal loving mom and just like, that's enough love.
00:36:34.000 Give me that baby back again and again and again.
00:36:36.000 That's a form of abuse.
00:36:38.000 Now, I'm not saying you shouldn't be a foster parent.
00:36:40.000 So maybe it was inevitable that she had to, you know, go through that.
00:36:44.000 But take all the circumstances out of it and just go solely from Robin's perspective.
00:36:51.000 That is fucking brutal.
00:36:53.000 That's brutal.
00:36:55.000 Dude, it's brutal.
00:36:57.000 So she's got a mother and a father don't love her.
00:36:59.000 She only loves she's getting us from little babies that are ripped from her womb.
00:37:04.000 Not ripped from her womb.
00:37:04.000 Ripped from her whatever.
00:37:06.000 Her arms.
00:37:08.000 And she has sort of this Malcolm X moment in college where some girl that she knew her whole life was with this group of sorority in crowd girls and she saw Robin and just walked by her.
00:37:22.000 Ignored her.
00:37:23.000 Wasn't interested.
00:37:25.000 And from that day forward, she thought, fuck white people.
00:37:28.000 They're all liars.
00:37:29.000 They're all evil.
00:37:30.000 Black power.
00:37:31.000 I can't trust them.
00:37:32.000 I love... She became obsessed with Muhammad Ali.
00:37:34.000 I think she still is.
00:37:35.000 She has a picture of him in every room.
00:37:36.000 I just thought, you can take so much abuse from black people, but one white person does something kind of wrong.
00:37:43.000 And you're... Maybe the white girl hadn't been to LensCrafters and couldn't see Robin.
00:37:49.000 Robin is quite dark.
00:37:51.000 And she didn't have her glasses that day.
00:37:52.000 It could be that simple.
00:37:54.000 But to just turn on all white people because of that one thing, I don't know.
00:37:59.000 Seemed kind of weird.
00:38:01.000 All right, we're running out of time here.
00:38:04.000 It was, WestFest was fucking awesome.
00:38:06.000 I regret that I didn't get to talk to more people, though.
00:38:08.000 Like Milo, I never get to see.
00:38:10.000 I did talk to Chadwick Moore a little bit.
00:38:12.000 He's a great guy.
00:38:16.000 Uh oh, I'm recording this podcast at home and I can hear my wife screaming at the kids.
00:38:21.000 You know, I can tell when I've been away for a few days, her yelling more.
00:38:25.000 So even in the three days that I've been away, the disciplinarian has been gone and she's had to raise her voice.
00:38:30.000 Normally, if she hears, if I hear that's enough, I come upstairs or downstairs and dole out the authority and they stop doing what they're doing.
00:38:39.000 But even in the three days my wife was a single mom, I can see a difference in this household.
00:38:46.000 Weird, huh?
00:38:48.000 We've got a fun show for you.
00:38:50.000 Tonight is the Ann Coulter interview that I was moaning through.
00:38:54.000 She's brilliant as per usual.
00:38:56.000 Very didactic figure.
00:39:00.000 I mean, I have to pick her up at her house, bring her right to the door.
00:39:04.000 You know, if we go out, there's going to be a fight.
00:39:07.000 It wasn't like that even a year ago.
00:39:08.000 We would go out and she would usually get compliments and stuff, but no real blowback.
00:39:15.000 But now her or I, Milo, if we all had a drink.
00:39:19.000 I was saying to her the other day, we're like gays in the 50s.
00:39:23.000 Like we have to meet in secret locations.
00:39:25.000 Not just me and Anne.
00:39:26.000 If you wear a MAGA hat in New York, you're gay in the 1950s.
00:39:30.000 We should have our own, what's it called, White Wall.
00:39:32.000 That big march they had in 1969 in New York.
00:39:37.000 Anyway, so that's tonight.
00:39:38.000 CRTV Tonight is this Friday, where we've got a ton of fascinating guests.
00:39:43.000 I forgot who.
00:39:46.000 They told me, but I didn't write it down.
00:39:48.000 I was wasted.
00:39:50.000 God, what would man let my life be like without booze?
00:39:53.000 I've always said booze has been there for the worst decisions in my life, but it's also been there for the best decisions in my life.
00:39:58.000 It's never been there for the mediocre stuff.
00:40:01.000 I guess my life would be a lot more mediocre without it.
00:40:06.000 And I will have another podcast for you on Friday.
00:40:10.000 I like you more than a friend and say hi to Twitter for me.
00:40:14.000 I kind of miss you, but I'm kind of happy you're not swallowing up hours and hours of my time.
00:40:19.000 It's amazing how much you get done when you get booted off of Twitter.
00:40:21.000 I'm going to be talking about that on Bill Schultz's show on Compound tomorrow.
00:40:25.000 I believe it's called A Morning.
00:40:28.000 And from me, I'm going to say good afternoon and happy September 11th.