Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - September 13, 2018


Get Off My Lawn Podcast #81 | W.A.S.P.s are scared of wasps

Topics
penis snitches finance and wasps opioids crisis
Hosted by
Gavin McInnes
Mentioned
Craig Mack Karen AI Chris Hayes Albert Hammond Jr. Gavin McGinnis Makers Mark Mike Reed Rachel Maddow Brittany Martinez Jesus Christ John Brennan Donald Trump Ezra Klein Fat Pat Pol Pot Trevor Kramer Eddie Gucci Dude and 46 more
Ep 183 | Ann Coulter | Get Off My Lawn Ep 184 | Mia Culpa | Get Off My Lawn

Episode Stats


Length

49 minutes

Words per minute

175.4

Word count

8,723

Sentence count

857

Harmful content

Misogyny

66

sentences flagged

Toxicity

333

sentences flagged

Hate speech

52

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

In this episode, I talk about the fear of wasps, and how it's mostly white people who live in the suburbs of New York who are petrified of them. I also talk about poison ivy and peeing in a toilet stall and how I don't care if you're gay or not, as long as you don't pee in a public bathroom stall. Also, I get a tattoo of a guy with a big dick, and I think that's pretty cool, but I'm not sure if it's a good or bad thing, because it's so big it's hard to tell who's getting it and who's not getting it. I mean, it's not like it's something you should be worried about, right? it's just a little bit bigger than a normal dick. I also get into the weirdest thing I've ever seen a wasp attack on someone, and then I get into why wasps are scared of being stung by wasps and how to deal with them. And then I ask the question, why is everyone else scared of them? and why do they do it? Is it because they like sugar? And why does it hurt so bad? I don t know, why are they so freaking scared of it, and why should I care? Well, I guess I'll tell you why they don't like it, because I'm from Canada, so why not? . I guess you'll have to listen to this episode to find out and maybe you'll understand why they're scared of wasp stings. if you don t like them or if they're not scared of you, but they're just like you like them, then you'll like it but you're not afraid of them, but you just don't want to get stung? or they don t want you to be stung by them or you to get your dick poked by a pinched by your dick so you should get your ears pierced or something like that to make you peeing on your butt? you know what I'm sorry, you can have a hole in your ear hole because you're getting poked with your dick, right in your butt, right you're just getting poked in your ass by a big, big dick or your dick? that's a lot of dick, so you can't get poked with a pin?

Transcript

Transcripts from "Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes" are sourced from the Knowledge Fight Interactive Search Tool. Explore them interactively here.
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Toxicity classifications generated with s-nlp/roberta_toxicity_classifier .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
Topics generated with Qwen2.5-3B-Instruct.
Hosts, guests, and mentioned names generated with spaCy (en_core_web_sm), reconciled against Wikidata.
00:00:02.000 Wasps are scared of wasps.
00:00:06.000 White Anglo-Saxon Protestants, upper middle class white people who are not Canadian, who live in the suburbs of New York.
00:00:15.000 I can't speak for Long Island, I can speak for Westchester. 1.00
00:00:18.000 They are petrified of fucking wasps. 1.00
00:00:23.000 It's bizarre. 1.00
00:00:24.000 I was at this hot dog stand.
00:00:26.000 And rich people go there.
00:00:28.000 It's near a country club.
00:00:30.000 And there's wasps around.
00:00:31.000 They're attracted to sugar. 0.98
00:00:32.000 They like sugar.
00:00:33.000 And you know what you do when a wasp's around?
00:00:36.000 Nothing.
00:00:37.000 If you sit on their home, you're probably going to get stung. 1.00
00:00:41.000 If you touch their area, I don't mean their penis. 1.00
00:00:45.000 I mean if you touch their home. 1.00
00:00:50.000 Imagine you raped a wasp. 1.00
00:00:52.000 My penis is so small that I rape bugs. 1.00
00:00:57.000 We used to do small dick and big dick jokes for hours on end. 1.00
00:01:01.000 My dick is so big that I write greyhound on the side and people try to get in it. 1.00
00:01:09.000 My dick is so small that I photoshopped lingerie on mosquitoes. 1.00
00:01:15.000 I just made myself laugh. 0.99
00:01:18.000 But yeah, these wasps are flying around and these people are, these women, men, freaking out.
00:01:24.000 And the weirdest thing they do is they'll get up and they'll go over another table like the wasp goes, too far for me man.
00:01:31.000 I can only fly at a million miles an hour.
00:01:34.000 There's no way I'm going eight feet.
00:01:35.000 That's not happening.
00:01:36.000 So they just moved to a new table and then a new little bench and then the wasps go over there.
00:01:41.000 Wasps.
00:01:44.000 Uh, and then at one point I saw the dude just gave up, which is what you do.
00:01:50.000 You can even shoo them and they won't, they won't sting you.
00:01:52.000 You gotta really, like, the only time wasps sting is when they think, I'm definitely gonna die.
00:01:57.000 I need one last ditch effort to save my life.
00:02:01.000 Or if you kill one of their buddies, they send out a gas, which is why, by the way, beekeepers use that smoke to screw up all their communication so they can't tell the others to freak out.
00:02:12.000 This chick gets up and she starts eating her hot dog just standing facing the dangerous, horrible wasps. 0.95
00:02:21.000 Is it bothering you, by the way, when I say wasps?
00:02:23.000 Because it's bothering me.
00:02:25.000 Wasps.
00:02:26.000 That's like when that, what's his name, Chris from
00:02:32.000 The guy, this Beautiful Life guy, who was on David Letterman, he had a show called, that was a parody of Chuck Norris, and it was called Eagle Snake or something. 0.58
00:02:43.000 God, I suck at that kind of stuff.
00:02:45.000 But he goes undercover, and he, they ask him what his name is, and he starts to say his real name, which is Chris, and then goes, oh, wait a minute, I should have an alias.
00:02:54.000 So as he's saying Chris, he comes up with an alias, and he says, so they go, what's your name, son?
00:02:58.000 He goes, Chris.
00:03:01.000 And so for the rest of that episode, they call him Crisp.
00:03:07.000 Anyway, that's what I'm getting when I say wasps.
00:03:09.000 I'll drop the subject soon and you won't have to hear me like a little snake in your ear hole going wasps.
00:03:16.000 Anyway, I'll call them Bobs from now on.
00:03:19.000 So she sits there having her hot dog, staring at the Bobs. 0.94
00:03:24.000 And then a little bit later, there's this little girl, she's maybe 8 or 9, this is the parent's fault, and a wasp lands on her chocolate shake, and she drops that and screams!
00:03:35.000 Take it easy, people.
00:03:38.000 I think that suburbanites are particularly non-rural people.
00:03:42.000 I guess because there's no sense in having a cottage if you already live in the burbs.
00:03:45.000 But even when we would be at baseball games, my son's baseball games, the ball would go into the woods and they'd go, I'm not going in there!
00:03:52.000 What's gonna get you?
00:03:53.000 Rattlesnakes?
00:03:54.000 Nope.
00:03:55.000 Poison ivy?
00:03:56.000 Oak disease?
00:03:58.000 Red oak?
00:03:59.000 What?
00:04:00.000 You get poison ivy once a lifetime.
00:04:03.000 When was the last time you met someone with poison ivy?
00:04:06.000 Why is everyone such a scaredy cat?
00:04:08.000 Is it because I'm from Canada and I'm used to more rugged terrain?
00:04:11.000 Getting stung by a wasp is like getting poked with a pin.
00:04:15.000 It hurts a lot.
00:04:17.000 It's like getting poked hard with a screw.
00:04:19.000 It kills.
00:04:20.000 For about an hour, big deal.
00:04:23.000 It's like getting your ears pierced, basically.
00:04:26.000 Big whoop. 0.99
00:04:29.000 Also, I was thinking about this when I was on the john recently and I got pee on my butt. 1.00
00:04:36.000 What the fuck is that guy doing pissing in a stall? 1.00
00:04:39.000 Well, I don't want people seeing my dick. 1.00
00:04:41.000 Why? 1.00
00:04:42.000 Who cares who sees your dick? 1.00
00:04:46.000 What if the guy's gay? 1.00
00:04:47.000 Okay. 1.00
00:04:48.000 When I eat a hamburger, fat people see me.
00:04:51.000 I'm not scared they're gonna snatch it out of my hand.
00:04:54.000 What's he gonna do, grab it and run?
00:04:57.000 Yeah, but it's super small.
00:04:58.000 I don't want people making fun of me.
00:05:00.000 That hasn't happened since fourth grade. 0.99
00:05:03.000 You think you're going to be at work and people are going to go, I saw Eddie's dick, by the way. 0.98
00:05:06.000 Nothing to write home about, man. 1.00
00:05:08.000 Not a very cool dick. 0.99
00:05:10.000 No one's ever said that to me. 0.99
00:05:10.000 That doesn't happen. 0.99
00:05:13.000 I've heard women describing someone's package as disappointing. 1.00
00:05:18.000 I don't think I've ever heard a dude say, yeah, Eddie's dick's really small, man. 1.00
00:05:22.000 Poor guy. 0.99
00:05:24.000 Men don't think like that. 1.00
00:05:25.000 Men don't report on penises. 1.00
00:05:27.000 We're not penis snitches. 1.00
00:05:29.000 Oh, penis snitches are playing at Mercury Lounge on Friday if you guys want to go. 0.99
00:05:32.000 I know the bassist. 0.99
00:05:33.000 You'd think that would be harder to say, penis snitches. 1.00
00:05:36.000 I guess it's sort of like duct tape where you just, you meld the S's. 0.99
00:05:44.000 But are you as annoyed by me at things like that? 1.00
00:05:49.000 Or do you just go, huh, that person's a pussy. 1.00
00:05:51.000 They piss in the stalls. 1.00
00:05:53.000 I've talked about this before, but at my old alma mater, Carleton University, they were so petrified of pissing next to each other in the john that they would
00:06:09.000 Wait in line.
00:06:10.000 So it would go urinal, empty urinal, urinal, and no, no, sorry.
00:06:15.000 First it goes stalls.
00:06:16.000 So all the stalls are filled up with pooers or peers. 1.00
00:06:19.000 Probably 70% peers, because these people with these hang-ups, which is every male in college, they're not going to poo at school. 1.00
00:06:26.000 So let's fuck it. 1.00
00:06:28.000 This is a podcast. 1.00
00:06:28.000 You know what? 1.00
00:06:29.000 We're having fun.
00:06:29.000 We're getting crazy.
00:06:30.000 Let's say 100% pissers are in their stalls, right? 1.00
00:06:34.000 Okay, those are full up.
00:06:36.000 Second priority, urinals.
00:06:37.000 You know, the things designed for pissing.
00:06:40.000 And they don't put the seat up, by the way.
00:06:45.000 The part you sit on.
00:06:46.000 They don't put that up when they piss. 0.99
00:06:48.000 So that's how I'm always getting piss on my butt. 0.99
00:06:51.000 And why don't you wipe first? 0.99
00:06:55.000 I guess I should.
00:06:56.000 Yeah, I don't really think of that.
00:06:57.000 It's not in the forefront of my mind to prepare my my seating area.
00:07:03.000 It's not for pissing.
00:07:04.000 Anyway, then it's the urinals and it's like full urinal, empty urinal, full urinal, empty urinal, full urinal, empty urinal.
00:07:11.000 What's next now that you have to go pee?
00:07:13.000 Yeah, well, you'd use one of the empty urinals that's right there.
00:07:16.000 Yeah, but that's in between two guys.
00:07:18.000 Uh, so?
00:07:19.000 No, I'd rather wait in line. 0.99
00:07:20.000 So there'll be a fucking lineup of maybe 20 people, 20 men, waiting in line rather than piss next to someone. 0.99
00:07:29.000 I mean, you don't see this with adults at Mets games. 0.99
00:07:31.000 This is only in college I saw this. 0.56
00:07:33.000 So I would go piss.
00:07:36.000 I did a cartoon about it once in the school newspaper because I was a cartoonist for the school paper, The Charlatan.
00:07:41.000 And I did a cartoon where some guy does that, which is what I would always do.
00:07:45.000 I'd just go pee there. 0.62
00:07:46.000 I'm a crazy rebel like that. 0.99
00:07:49.000 I will piss in a urinal. 1.00
00:07:51.000 And in the cartoon though, it's the same scenario I just depicted, but they go, Fag! 1.00
00:07:56.000 Fag! 1.00
00:07:57.000 He's reaching for your goolies! 1.00
00:08:00.000 And there's a riot that breaks out, and the guy is running for his life. 0.98
00:08:03.000 And the editor banned it because it has the word fag in it. 0.98
00:08:06.000 And I said, yeah, but it's making fun of people who are scared of homosexuality. 0.97
00:08:11.000 He goes, yeah, we can't do it.
00:08:13.000 That was 1990, so maybe even 89.
00:08:18.000 So that's when PC was really starting to get some legs, early 90s.
00:08:25.000 And you know it was heartbreaking because I would look at old leather-bound issues of the charlatan. 0.99
00:08:30.000 It's called the fucking charlatan. 1.00
00:08:32.000 That means trickster. 1.00
00:08:33.000 And we can't have the word fag in it. 1.00
00:08:35.000 And I saw an editor's photo and it was sunglasses on a penis. 1.00
00:08:39.000 An actual dick. 1.00
00:08:40.000 A real dick. 1.00
00:08:41.000 And that's what the editor submitted for his photo. 0.99
00:08:43.000 That was like 1980.
00:08:44.000 And then you cut to 1990.
00:08:45.000 Ten years later.
00:08:52.000 I've told this story too many times, but my professor burned his office down.
00:08:56.000 He was a smoker.
00:08:57.000 And I tried, he was a head of the Canadian Communist Party, Marvin Glass.
00:09:01.000 And I did a cartoon about him playing with little toy soldiers.
00:09:04.000 And then the Bolsheviks were killed by Stalin and playing out various communist purges with his little toy soldiers while his ashtray overflowed. 0.76
00:09:13.000 And they made me kill that. 0.97
00:09:15.000 Then I drew an ashtray, they made me kill that. 0.82
00:09:16.000 Then I, then the only, you know what I had to draw for the illustration?
00:09:20.000 Fire.
00:09:21.000 A cartoon fire was all I could draw. 1.00
00:09:24.000 I quit that fucking stupid gig. 1.00
00:09:27.000 Fucking weirdos. 1.00
00:09:28.000 I did not belong there, too. 1.00
00:09:29.000 They were all very square.
00:09:30.000 I never spoke.
00:09:31.000 And then I had my band, Leatherass Buttfuck, play a show, and they're like, that's the quiet cartoonist? 0.99
00:09:37.000 Yeah, I'm quiet because you guys are fucking weird. 0.97
00:09:39.000 It's the same with the suburbs. 0.99
00:09:41.000 I'm the quiet guy in the burbs, because I don't get these people.
00:09:45.000 I don't understand being scared of wasps.
00:09:48.000 Sorry, I promised no more wasps, but they're back.
00:09:50.000 The wasps have returned.
00:09:52.000 I felt more comfortable in the freak show that was the Lower East Side and Montreal.
00:09:58.000 You know, where you meet someone and they're like a pet masseuse?
00:10:03.000 You go, yeah, OK, I can get with that.
00:10:05.000 But every single person in the Burbs is in finance.
00:10:08.000 And I don't have any respect for that job.
00:10:11.000 You're a money babysitter.
00:10:13.000 You know, we did a test with monkeys and throwing darts at a dartboard, and they did better than most brokers.
00:10:20.000 Yeah, but they're very well informed.
00:10:21.000 They read the Wall Street Journal cover to cover every day.
00:10:25.000 Good for you.
00:10:26.000 That's like working at a college radio station and knowing about all the hot new indie bands.
00:10:30.000 You're not influencing independent music.
00:10:33.000 You just know about the scene.
00:10:35.000 Oh, pharma companies are really focusing on their brand this year.
00:10:39.000 Good for you.
00:10:39.000 Good news.
00:10:41.000 Glad you know that. 0.98
00:10:44.000 And they're kind of arrogant, too. 0.95
00:10:45.000 Yeah, I'm at Goldman Sachs.
00:10:48.000 Congratulations, you're a money babysitter at one of the top firms in the country.
00:10:54.000 That's amazing.
00:10:55.000 I go generate income, I put it in the stock market, and then you just sit there and babysit.
00:11:01.000 Thanks.
00:11:02.000 I have more respect for babysitters.
00:11:04.000 At least they play on the trampoline with my sons.
00:11:12.000 I think my son has a crush on his babysitter, the five-year-old.
00:11:15.000 It's obviously not a real thing, but I think you have strange instincts when young.
00:11:21.000 Now, I'm not sexualizing children, don't get me wrong, and anyone who does, I would like to meet at a parking lot in the Bronx at three in the morning with some friends to negotiate.
00:11:29.000 But remember when you're a little kid and you have crushes and you don't know what they are?
00:11:33.000 I remember we had this friend Brian Martin.
00:11:35.000 And he was single.
00:11:37.000 And we had the same taste, I guess.
00:11:40.000 And he would always have these hot girlfriends.
00:11:41.000 And this is the 70s.
00:11:44.000 And I would invite them to my parties when I'd be turning 8 or 9.
00:11:47.000 And he would come.
00:11:49.000 She'd come. 0.99
00:11:50.000 I don't mean ejaculate. 0.99
00:11:51.000 She would show up. 1.00
00:11:53.000 And then I remember being so pissed that fucking Brian is there. 1.00
00:11:57.000 Why'd you bring your ball and chain, bitch? 1.00
00:12:00.000 I want it to be just you and me. 1.00
00:12:02.000 Hanging.
00:12:03.000 Playing pin the tail on the donkey.
00:12:05.000 I have a pool.
00:12:07.000 We go swimming.
00:12:07.000 I could see you in your bikini.
00:12:09.000 What are you doing, you stupid bitch? 1.00
00:12:11.000 You're ruining my birthday. 1.00
00:12:16.000 Um, you know, when I was talking about the Lower East Side, I was reminded of a story.
00:12:21.000 I was talking to a dude the other day about, uh, his job was recording on his college TV station, recording bands.
00:12:30.000 And I said, that'd be cool if you just keep doing that again and again for a few, like three years, especially in a place like New York City.
00:12:38.000 I bet a lot of those bands would be big.
00:12:39.000 And then I was thinking of the bands that I would hang around with or knew of or, you know, was next to in the early 2000s.
00:12:47.000 A lot of them turned out to be big, like The Strokes, a bunch of rich kids from some modeling agency or something, and played some cool poppy kind of 70s, 60s music that was kind of raspy and sounded like it was coming through a radio.
00:13:05.000 Exploded!
00:13:08.000 I remember, by the way, seeing Strokes at some Levi's party. 1.00
00:13:11.000 And Andre 3000 was there.
00:13:13.000 And he was still doing, like, rap with that other dude.
00:13:17.000 Outcast, you know?
00:13:18.000 The other guy, whatever his name is.
00:13:19.000 Joe.
00:13:21.000 That'd be funny if there was a rapper just named, like, Peter Daniels.
00:13:25.000 Actually, there was.
00:13:26.000 There was that Craig Mack.
00:13:28.000 That was pretty normal.
00:13:29.000 There was some Kevin guy.
00:13:30.000 Anyway.
00:13:32.000 Craig.
00:13:32.000 Hi, I'm a rapper named Craig.
00:13:34.000 Craig is, like,
00:13:36.000 Your 14th best friend in grade school.
00:13:39.000 Where you go, Darren's busy, Mark's on vacation, blah, blah, blah.
00:13:43.000 You keep knocking him down.
00:13:44.000 You go, I guess I'll go play baseball with Craig. 1.00
00:13:46.000 Fuck. 1.00
00:13:47.000 Street hockey? 1.00
00:13:48.000 OK.
00:13:49.000 Hey, Craig.
00:13:49.000 And then he's all happy.
00:13:51.000 Finally, someone calls me.
00:13:52.000 Poor Craig.
00:13:53.000 That's making me feel terrible.
00:13:54.000 It's more fun to make fun of kids before you have kids of your own.
00:13:57.000 You imagine them being ostracized.
00:13:59.000 I remember Craig getting beat up by, well, to be frank, it was my gang.
00:14:04.000 And he goes, why does everyone hate me?
00:14:06.000 No one likes me.
00:14:08.000 And then Mike Reed and our gang goes, I'll be your friend, Craig.
00:14:11.000 And then they just walked away and they were friends.
00:14:12.000 I was like, dude, this is not.
00:14:14.000 By the way, in my defense, we started that gang to prevent violence.
00:14:19.000 It was going to be called Wolf Gang. 0.99
00:14:21.000 Mike Reed made the name the Falcons, which he stole from some fucking movie. 0.98
00:14:25.000 And the problem with being, I think we were six or seven, there's no crime going on in the schoolyard. 0.96
00:14:32.000 Like what are you going to prevent?
00:14:33.000 Rape? 0.99
00:14:34.000 So we ended up turning to evil and just stealing marbles and whipping people's smurfs into the woods and other horrible crimes. 0.96
00:14:46.000 There was a retard in our school named Fat Pat I'm just remembering. 1.00
00:14:50.000 We weren't mean to him. 0.94
00:14:52.000 I think that might be a myth that retards get picked on, at least not in my background.
00:14:56.000 I never saw anyone pick on someone with Down syndrome.
00:14:59.000 In fact, we'd make him laugh his head off, where he would fall. 0.98
00:15:02.000 He's a big, huge fat pig, and he would be lying on the ground, and he'd go, I can't get up, I can't get up. 0.99
00:15:07.000 And we'd go, Pat, Pat, here, let me help you. 0.99
00:15:09.000 And we'd grab his hand to pick him up, and then he would whip his hand back, and then we would pretend that he sent us flying and rolling all down the grass like he was some sort of Superman.
00:15:19.000 We do that about 50 times with Fat Pat. 0.96
00:15:23.000 If your son's gonna be fat and retarded, by the way, Pat is not the best name. 0.93
00:15:27.000 Maybe, like, Maximilian would be better? 0.97
00:15:29.000 You gotta sorta up the tough.
00:15:31.000 Even Mike would be better.
00:15:33.000 Than Pat.
00:15:34.000 Jesus, that kid's cursed three times over. 1.00
00:15:36.000 He's fat, he's retarded, his name was Pat. 0.99
00:15:40.000 But anyway, the guy I was talking to was in Vermont, so it wouldn't have worked out so well. 0.97
00:15:44.000 But the Strokes did great.
00:15:46.000 Actually, do you want to hear a funny story about the Strokes? 0.96
00:15:49.000 This is so bad.
00:15:50.000 So I went, I used to, when vice hit rock bottom, I didn't have a salary.
00:15:56.000 So I started, this was after, so we moved to New York, we had tons of money.
00:15:59.000 The guy, the market, he was, I think he was a fraud.
00:16:03.000 And he had no more money, so we had to move into triple five souls.
00:16:07.000 Storage room. 0.98
00:16:08.000 We would buy coats and hats and shit. 0.97
00:16:10.000 And I put up some bamboo wallpaper on cement walls and we made it our little nook. 0.95
00:16:15.000 And so we're, this may be 2003 and we're broke.
00:16:18.000 And so I start freelance writing on the side.
00:16:21.000 And I get tons of gigs right away I guess because of the Vice status, whatever.
00:16:25.000 And in Britain that's a big deal.
00:16:26.000 And I started writing for NME.
00:16:30.000 New Musical Express.
00:16:31.000 And they had a good budget.
00:16:33.000 So the Strokes were playing at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame or something.
00:16:37.000 And they sent me down there to cover them for a cover story.
00:16:41.000 So I did.
00:16:42.000 And they're cool guys.
00:16:43.000 They're really kind of geeky.
00:16:44.000 They're really into David Cross and comedy and stuff.
00:16:47.000 So they're much less handsome on the inside.
00:16:50.000 I don't mean that to disparage them.
00:16:52.000 I mean, think of them as like excited, nerdy kids.
00:16:56.000 A lot less, you know, fashionably cool on the inside.
00:17:00.000 And so they want to hang out and tell jokes and do stuff like that.
00:17:03.000 And that's fine, but the interview gets delayed like six hours. 0.84
00:17:08.000 And I'm in Cincinnati, which is one of the worst shitholes in the world. 0.99
00:17:14.000 Even the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame fucking blows. 0.99
00:17:17.000 It's just like Prince's pants. 0.99
00:17:19.000 Awesome.
00:17:19.000 Great.
00:17:19.000 Look at his little tiny pants.
00:17:22.000 So I walk around there, and I go to a diner, and I start drinking beers, and I don't know how I did this, but I got unbelievably, unfathomably shit-faced. 0.99
00:17:33.000 Like, blackout drunk. 0.96
00:17:35.000 And then I get a call, they're ready to go.
00:17:40.000 So I go out to dinner with them, and I'm too drunk to eat. 1.00
00:17:44.000 You've heard of too drunk to fuck. 0.99
00:17:45.000 I'm too drunk to eat. 1.00
00:17:46.000 I'm just like, ah, the food's falling out of my mouth.
00:17:48.000 I think Albert Hammond Jr.
00:17:50.000 thought it was funny.
00:17:52.000 Anyway, I go backstage with them and they go, oh, we're going on.
00:17:56.000 So they start the show.
00:17:59.000 I still haven't done my interview.
00:18:01.000 And then I'm sitting watching the show and I'm on the stage.
00:18:06.000 And then I start sort of coming out and I'm sitting on the stage.
00:18:09.000 Like, you see me. 0.99
00:18:10.000 If you go to see the show, you see this band and then there's this fucking Donald Sutherland with AIDS is sitting next to the bassist's legs. 1.00
00:18:18.000 Just sitting there. 0.99
00:18:19.000 Like, why aren't the bands just... And then, I passed out and fell asleep.
00:18:23.000 So I'm napping on the stage as a band plays.
00:18:27.000 Like, you should have girls in bikinis and high-heeled shoes, like, popping balloons or throwing puppies around or whatever you guys fantasize about.
00:18:35.000 It was kind of Freudian in those examples.
00:18:37.000 But, uh, not a sleeping man. 0.99
00:18:41.000 And then I woke up in the motel room with a faint memory of being picked up by my jacket and thrown out of their fucking dressing room after. 0.99
00:18:51.000 And I played the tape back. 0.99
00:18:53.000 God, if you ever hear yourself drunk, it's really embarrassing.
00:18:55.000 I was like,
00:18:56.000 I don't know what's... trying to make people laugh. 1.00
00:19:00.000 It's a pathetic rendition of your soul. 0.97
00:19:03.000 And I remember I said, I heard myself on the tape say to the guy throwing me, Hey, what are you doing? 0.99
00:19:07.000 I'm going to get you.
00:19:09.000 I got my hair blown out.
00:19:10.000 My loved arms all floppy.
00:19:14.000 And I realized I was probably seeing myself in a mirror and my hair was probably up from like bedhead.
00:19:19.000 And then my arm was floppy because I probably fell asleep on it and it was numb.
00:19:23.000 So I just sat away at the typewriter and typed up total and utter bullshit about the band and what they were like, and then I sent it to NME, and they go, this is okay, but you didn't mention the drummer.
00:19:35.000 Fabrizio Moretti, I think is, no, what's his name?
00:19:38.000 Something like that.
00:19:38.000 Big, really Italian name, Fabrizio.
00:19:41.000 And I go, oh, yeah, he went upstairs and looks like fucking jicks. 0.98
00:19:46.000 So I didn't see much of him. 0.99
00:19:48.000 And that was a lie.
00:19:50.000 And I think he was dating Drew Barrymore at the time.
00:19:53.000 So I'm like hurting their relationship. 0.57
00:19:55.000 So they wanted to kill me after that.
00:19:57.000 And I remember seeing, I think it's Nick, maybe the bassist or something, at Mercury Lounge, which is probably why I always use that place is for my jokes of funny band names.
00:20:07.000 And he's like, you got a lot of nerve showing your face in here.
00:20:13.000 Dude, I know who you are.
00:20:14.000 You're not Tony Soprano.
00:20:16.000 You're not in a very difficult situation.
00:20:18.000 Mathematics.
00:20:20.000 And so I started laughing. 1.00
00:20:21.000 I go, who the fuck do you think you are? 1.00
00:20:22.000 You think you can name certain areas that are no-go zones because the Strokes got beef? 1.00
00:20:28.000 And I just laughed at him. 1.00
00:20:30.000 And then we had that stupid nose-to-nose thing where we go, what are you gonna do, bitch? 1.00
00:20:34.000 I've had maybe, for every one actual fight, there's at least a hundred, oh yeah? 1.00
00:20:39.000 Oh yeah?
00:20:40.000 What are you gonna do about it?
00:20:41.000 Oh yeah?
00:20:42.000 Nose kisses. 1.00
00:20:44.000 And then I saw him that night, and he was like, he was about 20 feet ahead of me, and he turns around and he goes, Gavin McKinnon's a fucking asshole! 1.00
00:20:53.000 I think he grabbed an orange from a fruit stand and whipped it at me, too. 1.00
00:20:56.000 We're good to go.
00:21:11.000 I'm with Karen O and she has this designer named Joy Albertine or something.
00:21:19.000 I'm screwing up.
00:21:20.000 I'm inserting crass.
00:21:21.000 I'm getting their millennials youth culture mixed up with my own.
00:21:27.000 She's a stylist for Karen O of the IAAS and I think her name's Joy.
00:21:34.000 Anyway, um, this kid's talking to Karen O, and she had just become famous recently.
00:21:41.000 But those guys used to be our buddies.
00:21:43.000 There was like that little guitarist dude who had his hair tall to make himself look taller.
00:21:46.000 Fun, funny little guy.
00:21:48.000 Good guy.
00:21:48.000 Good dude.
00:21:49.000 And he was just sort of like the dude who was on Houston and Ludlow hanging out, and then all of a sudden they're this massive band.
00:21:55.000 That's kind of the fun part of New York City is people just pop and become huge.
00:22:00.000 And you're like, that's that little dude from over there.
00:22:03.000 Anyway, so I like Karen, uh, not more than a friend.
00:22:06.000 She's, I think she's a bit mental, but in a cool way.
00:22:08.000 She's a very eccentric human being, kind of like Cyndi Lauper, I would imagine. 0.87
00:22:13.000 And so, quirky Karen is sitting over there, and some dude's sitting bothering her, and I, you know, I hate being famous, and even before I was famous, I hated when other people, when they act around famous people and bother them all the time, and harass them, and bore them to death. 0.96
00:22:30.000 So, some fucking random stranger is boring her to death, and clearly not trying to get laid. 1.00
00:22:34.000 He's just, like, taking up her time. 1.00
00:22:36.000 And I'm thinking, she came out here with us, we're at this bar 2A to have some fun, and there he is fucking talking. 0.98
00:22:43.000 And I was in a bad mood already because flip-flops were big. 0.98
00:22:46.000 Starting to get bigger.
00:22:47.000 They're now everywhere. 1.00
00:22:49.000 The fact that these men are wearing fucking shower shoes blows my mind. 1.00
00:22:52.000 Like, on the plane, you got your little bobby socks, your ankle socks, 1.00
00:22:57.000 And your shower shoes. 0.96
00:23:00.000 Like, black kids in the hood play basketball in shower shoes. 0.98
00:23:04.000 I've even seen people go swimming with them on. 1.00
00:23:08.000 They keep them on in the fucking pool. 1.00
00:23:11.000 At nice vacation spots. 0.99
00:23:12.000 And then you have these young men who want to wear Gucci?
00:23:16.000 And Prada? 1.00
00:23:17.000 What the fuck? 1.00
00:23:18.000 That shit is for old ladies and homosexuals. 1.00
00:23:22.000 Why does a 10-year-old boy want to wear Gucci sliders? 1.00
00:23:25.000 Jesus Christ!
00:23:27.000 You know, there was a great moment there with that song, I Got My Vans On, but they look like sneakers.
00:23:32.000 Black people can just change the course of youth subculture overnight. 1.00
00:23:36.000 And that one song ended the sneaker pimp thing, and the Air Jordans, and you had to have these $110 shoes. 0.91
00:23:41.000 And all of a sudden, all people want to wear Chuck Taylors and Van Eras, Vans Era.
00:23:47.000 Just that one classic Vans shoe.
00:23:49.000 That's all they wanted.
00:23:50.000 Those were only like 45 bucks at the time.
00:23:52.000 And I love that.
00:23:54.000 I love when youth culture isn't part of some sort of major marketing campaign.
00:23:58.000 But it didn't last.
00:24:00.000 Now it's back to the way supermodels dress when they're at home. 1.00
00:24:04.000 It's profoundly embarrassing.
00:24:06.000 Does that anger you?
00:24:08.000 It angers me.
00:24:10.000 It's the same as people pissing on the litter, being scared of wasps.
00:24:13.000 I think it's a Scottish thing, where you're irked by people who butt in line, even when it's not the lineup you're in.
00:24:20.000 You just go, for the community, you should be better at waiting in line.
00:24:26.000 Actually, I just had an epiphany.
00:24:28.000 Scottish dads tend to be good dads, and they tend to enforce discipline.
00:24:33.000 And the father's role, as we discussed last episode, is to show you that you're not the only one that matters.
00:24:40.000 The community matters.
00:24:42.000 So when you have a super intense father, you end up with a more powerful sense of community.
00:24:50.000 Um, so that's the opposite of a child raised by a single mom who's like, me, me, me, my emotions, me getting ahead in line, me budding.
00:24:58.000 That's not countered with community, community, don't let people bud, we need a society where people wait their turn and do things fair and square and handshake deals and all that stuff.
00:25:08.000 Huh.
00:25:09.000 Wow, I solved it live on the show.
00:25:13.000 Anyway, um... So we're... I'm watching the Yeah Yeah Yeahs singer talk to this guy and I think, he's fucking pissing me off.
00:25:20.000 Leave her alone, dude. 1.00
00:25:22.000 So I get a lemon and I take it from someone else's drink and I aim it up and I guess God was sharing my irritation because I threw it and I got him right smack dab in the open eyeball.
00:25:36.000 I hit him with a lemon. 0.65
00:25:39.000 And to get raw lemon on your eye is almost worthy of a jackass episode. 1.00
00:25:43.000 Like, it fucking stings. 0.99
00:25:46.000 And so he just goes down like he was shot. 1.00
00:25:48.000 He just goes, ahhh!
00:25:51.000 And, uh, I think that was effective.
00:25:54.000 Nice work.
00:25:55.000 I'm basically Jason Bourne.
00:25:57.000 Jesus Christ, it's Jason Bourne.
00:26:01.000 And he goes down and she's like, are you okay?
00:26:04.000 And he, I think he leaves to go wash his eyes.
00:26:06.000 Gotta go wash my eyes.
00:26:09.000 And Joy comes over and it turns out that he wasn't an annoying fan.
00:26:14.000 He was a good friend.
00:26:15.000 They were having, catching up on old times.
00:26:18.000 Whoops.
00:26:19.000 Got the wrong guy there.
00:26:20.000 Sorry, Lemon Eyes.
00:26:24.000 Lemon Eyes are playing at Mercury Lounge.
00:26:26.000 They're not a good band. 0.99
00:26:27.000 They're a Lemonheads cover band and they suck. 0.99
00:26:32.000 So Joy comes up to me and she goes, did you just throw a lemon in that guy's eye? 0.99
00:26:36.000 And I just ignored her.
00:26:37.000 She goes, hey, Gavin, I'm talking to you.
00:26:37.000 And I kept talking to my friend.
00:26:39.000 Did you just throw a lemon in that guy's eye?
00:26:41.000 And I kept ignoring her.
00:26:42.000 Because even that was kind of fun.
00:26:44.000 I found her a little bit irritating, Joy.
00:26:47.000 And then she asked me a third time.
00:26:49.000 And she goes, I'm going to ask you one more time. 1.00
00:26:51.000 What is this with these fucking women thinking that they're Bruce Lee? 1.00
00:26:57.000 Every bar I go to, every time there's a fight at a bar or something, there's some woman jumping ahead going, hey, you got a fucking problem? 1.00
00:27:04.000 Lady, you're made of bird bones. 1.00
00:27:06.000 If I punch you in the face, which I would never do, well, I would if you hit me 12 times. 1.00
00:27:11.000 You're allowed to hit a woman if she hits you 12 times. 0.98
00:27:13.000 And then you can't hit her again until she gets another 12 shots in. 1.00
00:27:17.000 But still, my fist is going to go through your bird face. 1.00
00:27:21.000 Like if I punch, a woman like bumps her knee on the table and she has a black bruise that's got purple strings in it for a week. 1.00
00:27:31.000 A man hits his head when he's really tall and he just closes his eyes and looks down like, did I tell you about my, remember that Trevor guy?
00:27:39.000 I did an episode of?
00:27:40.000 We're getting wasted in England and we're staying at this guy's house and because it's Britain all the door frames are about five feet tall because they're all little hobbits over there and he's about six too and he comes running out, not running, but he comes swiftly from the kitchen into the living room and he smashes his head 0.97
00:27:55.000 And it was fucking loud.
00:27:57.000 Like I thought someone hit, and you felt it too, like he shook the house. 0.98
00:28:01.000 And then I look over and he's just staring at the ground.
00:28:04.000 Totally silent.
00:28:05.000 And I go, what's going on buddy?
00:28:07.000 You okay?
00:28:09.000 And he goes, I'll never forget this till the day I die because it's so true. 1.00
00:28:13.000 He goes, first I got really, really scared.
00:28:16.000 Then I got really, really mad.
00:28:19.000 And then I got really, really sad.
00:28:26.000 Isn't it weird when women get hurt and they cry, like they stubbed their toe? 0.98
00:28:30.000 Why are you crying?
00:28:32.000 Are you a slave and the owner stubs your toes every morning?
00:28:37.000 And you hate this prison you're in?
00:28:38.000 I understand that, because you're distraught about your situation you have no control over.
00:28:45.000 But when you stub your toe or some accident happens, I don't get why that evokes tears.
00:28:51.000 I get mad if I stub my toe.
00:28:52.000 I go, 0.99
00:28:53.000 God damn it! 0.99
00:28:54.000 And I also started thinking, like, how did that happen? 1.00
00:28:56.000 Maybe I should wear shoes indoors more often, or that chair is a stupid chair, or why do we have these fucking chairs? 1.00
00:29:01.000 They're always- people are always stubbing their toes. 1.00
00:29:03.000 Who has a steel bench in their fucking kitchen? 0.99
00:29:05.000 That kind of stuff. 0.99
00:29:07.000 But the last thing I would think after I hurt my toes... God.
00:29:14.000 This is so sad.
00:29:16.000 Although I got that Trevor was sad.
00:29:17.000 Anyway.
00:29:18.000 Eventually she asked me like the third time and I realized she's not gonna drop the lemon thing.
00:29:22.000 And I turned to her and I just go, yeah I did. 0.99
00:29:25.000 And if you don't shut the fuck up I'm gonna throw a lemon in your eye. 1.00
00:29:29.000 And she said, fuck you, and left or something. 1.00
00:29:31.000 And that was the end. 1.00
00:29:33.000 We were arch enemies after that.
00:29:35.000 And I would see her at my local bar, Max Fish, and walk by her. 1.00
00:29:40.000 And she'd go, fuck you. 1.00
00:29:43.000 Oh, Gavin? 1.00
00:29:43.000 I'd walk into the bar and she'd be like, Gavin McInnes, my favorite person in the world. 1.00
00:29:48.000 Like, super sarcastic.
00:29:50.000 And it's so funny that, and that went on forever, we never spoke again, you know, and we had a lot of friends in common.
00:29:55.000 And all because I mistakenly assumed, mistakenly?
00:30:00.000 Assumed that some friend of Karen O's was an annoying fan.
00:30:06.000 Isn't it funny how the one thing can just set you off, especially I guess in New York where there's just so many people, even whatever your little scene is, there's so many people that you're happy to just like constantly be culling the herd.
00:30:23.000 Yeah, that was the same bar I was, uh, I was leaving once and we were doing tons of coke and I had coke all over my nose on purpose.
00:30:30.000 I always thought that was a funny thing to do when you do coke.
00:30:31.000 Instead of, like, straightening it out, out your nose before you leave the bathroom, put more coke on your nose.
00:30:37.000 And then go talk to people and pretend you don't notice.
00:30:40.000 And then they do that gesture like, hey buddy, you got a little bit of hoo-hoo on your hee-hee.
00:30:44.000 And you're just like, what?
00:30:45.000 Pardon me?
00:30:46.000 Anyway, and then you just keep talking.
00:30:47.000 It's a fun one.
00:30:48.000 It's sort of like ignoring Joy when she asks you if you threw a lemon at someone.
00:30:50.000 But I remember leaving that bar once, and I, uh, turned around on Isaac Hylde, and I said, WHITE POWDER! 0.60
00:30:57.000 WHITE POWDER! 1.00
00:30:59.000 And then left the bar, and someone who was at the bar told me later that someone who was there saw that, and they went, fucking racist cokehead. 0.99
00:31:08.000 Like, taking that totally seriously and pretending that it's a guy who is a strong advocate of white nationalism and also cocaine. 0.99
00:31:18.000 Those are his two things.
00:31:20.000 Those are the two things he pursues.
00:31:21.000 Hi, we're a group, we're a white nationalist group that is strong cocaine advocates.
00:31:25.000 We've been lobbying on Capitol Hill for them to make cocaine legal.
00:31:30.000 That's just like this article I read in Daily Beast about diversity and multiculturalism infiltrating the white supremacist
00:31:38.000 We're good to go.
00:31:58.000 That's like the Olympics including panda bears in the track and field to give it more validity. 0.52
00:32:07.000 A white supremacist thinks white people are better than everyone and wants them to be alone together.
00:32:14.000 He's pro-segregation. 0.93
00:32:16.000 So you should see black people joining a thing, whatever the thing was, I think it was Proud Boys in this case, and go, oh, turns out I got the thing wrong.
00:32:25.000 We're good. 0.96
00:32:45.000 Limbless and armless.
00:32:46.000 More violent than we thought.
00:32:47.000 Yes, apparently people who are completely paralyzed and without limbs are real brawlers. 0.99
00:32:54.000 Like, that person's gay. 1.00
00:32:55.000 Really?
00:32:55.000 They're married.
00:32:56.000 Yep. 0.97
00:32:57.000 Married people hiding their gayness. 0.99
00:33:00.000 Yeah, I understand that's called being in the closet, but people have been happily married and they died.
00:33:05.000 After 50 years of marriage, they died happily of old age.
00:33:09.000 Gay person holds in his gayness his entire life. 1.00
00:33:13.000 You're like, I can't win. 0.98
00:33:14.000 I give up. 1.00
00:33:16.000 You are a mental patient. 1.00
00:33:19.000 So this black guy, I've even heard people say, no, no, you can be a racist and marry to a black woman. 1.00
00:33:25.000 Really? 1.00
00:33:26.000 So you're just sitting there over breakfast, just brooding. 1.00
00:33:29.000 Just like, look at this fucking piece of shit. 1.00
00:33:33.000 God, look at her sip her coffee. 1.00
00:33:34.000 Ugh, disgusting. 1.00
00:33:36.000 How did this fucking animal get into my house? 1.00
00:33:38.000 Is that what you do? 1.00
00:33:39.000 All day, all night?
00:33:41.000 It's insane!
00:33:43.000 I mean, if anything, that article is the final straw.
00:33:48.000 That means it's time to give up talking to these people as rational human beings.
00:33:54.000 They're like cult members.
00:33:56.000 It's exactly like these doomsday cults where they say the world will end on October 1st and then on October 2nd you go, so I guess your cult's done.
00:34:04.000 No, no, the date's changed.
00:34:05.000 Oh, okay.
00:34:07.000 Because you talked a lot about October 1st.
00:34:09.000 No, it's different now. 0.63
00:34:11.000 What do these black people do at these meetings? 1.00
00:34:13.000 They're just abused the whole time? 0.98
00:34:14.000 Do they sort of get on all fours and the white nationalists use them as chairs?
00:34:20.000 Do they serve drinks all the time?
00:34:22.000 Is it just like a plantation?
00:34:23.000 Do the white nationalists have them fight like that Django Unchained movie? 1.00
00:34:27.000 Is that what goes on, you fucking Luddite retard dunce boob? 1.00
00:34:36.000 How did we get to this level of insanity in this country with the guy who's shooting himself in the arm to protest Trump? 1.00
00:34:43.000 What?
00:34:44.000 They had a rally. 1.00
00:34:45.000 Remember that rally about six months ago where they, everyone got together to scream at the fucking sky? 0.99
00:34:53.000 And by the way, you only have about 8 seconds of scream in you before your voice is toast. 0.99
00:35:02.000 So you're setting up a rally where everyone gets together for 8 seconds.
00:35:06.000 I mean, even like fireworks would have made more sense.
00:35:10.000 We're lighting fireworks to say that we love this country but we don't want to celebrate July 4th on July 4th because we're ashamed of Trump.
00:35:16.000 That's got a semblance of logic.
00:35:19.000 I could get with that.
00:35:22.000 But screaming at the sky?
00:35:24.000 That's what- That's like an insult that I would come up with. 1.00
00:35:27.000 You're the kind of person who would just stand there and scream at the sky, you fucking loser. 1.00
00:35:31.000 In fact, it is a meme, right? 1.00
00:35:32.000 Old man yells at clouds.
00:35:36.000 Jesus, Jesus, Lordy, Lord, Lord.
00:35:41.000 Anyway, I think my problem is that I care about the community and it's not just pissing in the lid and butting in line.
00:35:48.000 I honestly care about... I care about the people who hate me.
00:35:53.000 Like all these spinster feminists who have foregone families and decided to pursue a column at Huffington Post that pays them 80 bucks a week while their poor father pays for their rent and they pretend they're making a difference in the world and what they're doing is so much more valuable than creating and shaping life. 1.00
00:36:08.000 I feel bad for her, and I don't mind that she hates me as long as I've planted the seed in her head that she should have seeds planted in her womb.
00:36:18.000 At least I plant some doubt, although maybe some of them just to spite me are even more determined to remain single and stay as a colostomy bag for a bunch of strangers to come.
00:36:31.000 Way to go, ladies. 0.99
00:36:32.000 You really rocked my world there. 0.66
00:36:34.000 You really stated your independence by keeping a ledger of your boss' meetings instead of fuckin' saying yes to that guy who was madly in love with you and proposed, and you went, sorry, not ready. 0.99
00:36:48.000 Even, like, these total beta pussies, like, what's his name? 1.00
00:36:53.000 Ezra Klein. 0.99
00:36:55.000 I don't think he has kids.
00:36:57.000 So he's talking about society and how to save it and he doesn't have any kids.
00:37:01.000 Every time you watch the news and even right-wing news and there's all these people talking about the parents need to do this and the schools and education and taxes are too high.
00:37:09.000 None of them have kids.
00:37:11.000 None of them have skin in the game.
00:37:13.000 You're looking at a bunch of pontificators who are just like, it might as well be high school kids coming up with ideas on their own.
00:37:21.000 I guess because moms are too busy. 0.95
00:37:24.000 I always thought Fox News should have a housewife as a guest. 1.00
00:37:27.000 So it's like, head of foreign affairs, local billionaire investor, and then Rhoda from Indiana.
00:37:37.000 And she's just got like her beehive glasses on and an apron and a rolling pin. 1.00
00:37:40.000 Because she's a major part of the electoral force, right? 1.00
00:37:43.000 She changes elections with her opinions, so why shouldn't she be a pundit on the news? 1.00
00:37:47.000 But she doesn't give a... She's got bigger fish to fry. 1.00
00:37:50.000 Literally.
00:37:52.000 And I care about them.
00:37:54.000 I care about Ezra Klein.
00:37:55.000 I care about Chris Hayes and Rachel Maddow.
00:37:58.000 Well, Rachel Maddow's never got kids. 1.00
00:37:59.000 She's a lesbian. 1.00
00:38:01.000 I think her girlfriend has insanely big tits. 1.00
00:38:05.000 Isn't that kind of a waste with lesbians? 1.00
00:38:09.000 Or maybe not. 1.00
00:38:10.000 It took me a long time to understand giant tits. 1.00
00:38:13.000 You know who I got it from was my lawn care guy, upstate. 0.93
00:38:19.000 I ended up, Albert Hammond Jr., from the Strokes, we come full circle, he ended up buying property near me at my place upstate, which I've since sold.
00:38:27.000 And we had the same lawn care guy, an American, a legal citizen.
00:38:33.000 And I said, what's going on with Albert?
00:38:34.000 How's he doing?
00:38:35.000 Oh, good, good.
00:38:35.000 I heard he has, he's got a new wife.
00:38:37.000 Oh, I bet it's some fucking insanely hot supermodel. 1.00
00:38:40.000 And he's like a big, fat, six-foot-four guy. 0.99
00:38:43.000 And he's like, yeah, yeah, not my... The funniest thing about upstate New York is they all have New York accents.
00:38:49.000 And they hate Manhattan.
00:38:50.000 Like they wear stars and bars.
00:38:51.000 They wear Confederate flag stuff. 0.98
00:38:53.000 Not to say the South will rise again, but it's just to say I'm a redneck and I fucking hate Manhattan and I wish they weren't part of New York State. 0.98
00:38:59.000 I love the country. 0.97
00:39:00.000 I love hunting.
00:39:01.000 I love New York.
00:39:02.000 I hate the city and the boroughs and the suburbs. 1.00
00:39:05.000 Fuck all those people. 1.00
00:39:06.000 That's what the Confederate flag means in upstate New York and he's one of those guys. 1.00
00:39:09.000 Camo! 0.99
00:39:10.000 But they still sound like a New York cab driver.
00:39:13.000 So you'll have some farmer up there. 1.00
00:39:15.000 Hey, my fucking chickens are driving me nuts this season, man. 1.00
00:39:19.000 Fucking foxes getting in there. 1.00
00:39:20.000 They're not producing eggs. 1.00
00:39:21.000 I think they might be fucking scared of the next fox coming in. 1.00
00:39:24.000 I got them shit scared and they're not making me any fucking eggs. 1.00
00:39:27.000 Might as well just eat them motherfuckers. 1.00
00:39:30.000 Um, so he's that kind of guy. 1.00
00:39:31.000 Yeah, I do a bunch of people's- everyone up there does 40 jobs.
00:39:34.000 So, the guy- literally the guy who did my driveway, shoveled my driveway, was also the local sheriff.
00:39:40.000 Which is very good when you get caught drunk driving.
00:39:42.000 You definitely want to have the guy in your pocket.
00:39:45.000 He doesn't want to lose a snow client.
00:39:47.000 And I'm not that drunk, officer. 0.98
00:39:49.000 Anyway, he goes, yeah, yeah, Albert's new wife is beautiful, but she ain't got tits, so that's- that's not for me. 0.98
00:39:57.000 And I was like, what's your deal with big... I never really got big, huge tits. 1.00
00:40:01.000 Suck them? 1.00
00:40:01.000 Like, what do you do? 1.00
00:40:02.000 Do you just put cream on them or something?
00:40:04.000 Like, what do you... Isn't it kind of gay to, like, be so into something that hangs? 0.98
00:40:10.000 Motorboat? 0.93
00:40:10.000 What do you do? 0.93
00:40:13.000 I get when she's on top, they're hitting you in the face.
00:40:16.000 That could be cool.
00:40:17.000 But... I don't really get it.
00:40:19.000 I don't know what you're supposed to do to them.
00:40:21.000 Lick them? 0.99
00:40:23.000 Bite them? 1.00
00:40:23.000 Slap them? 1.00
00:40:24.000 You can't slap them. 1.00
00:40:25.000 I hear they're like balls. 1.00
00:40:27.000 You feel sick if you give them a whack. 0.99
00:40:30.000 Put clothes pegs on them?
00:40:31.000 That seems a little too intense.
00:40:33.000 And he goes, nah, nah.
00:40:34.000 It's a visual thing.
00:40:35.000 I'm a big guy.
00:40:36.000 I look down.
00:40:37.000 I see those things swinging around.
00:40:39.000 And the penny dropped.
00:40:41.000 I went, oh. 0.99
00:40:45.000 Big tits are a visual thing. 1.00
00:40:52.000 We're good to go. 1.00
00:41:10.000 Shit, I don't know. 0.99
00:41:12.000 We have these Maker's Mark bottles on the set of my show, CRTV Tonight, which is at CRTV.com. 0.99
00:41:17.000 And I'll occasionally just have a little swig before I do a segment just to take the edge off.
00:41:21.000 Because I get nervous before I do these things.
00:41:23.000 Not because I'm scared, but because when something has limitless potential, like this monologue might become the speech in Braveheart.
00:41:32.000 It might revolutionize people, or you might just look like a hungover dude reading from a teleprompter. 0.99
00:41:38.000 And then you watch that later and you go, way to go, fuckface. 0.99
00:41:41.000 You blew that opportunity to do something interesting. 0.99
00:41:44.000 And my monologue this Friday is about the opioid crisis.
00:41:48.000 Which kills about a hundred people a day in America 115 to be specific about 40,000 people a year and I became obsessed with Mac Miller and His death maybe because I really like that song Donald Trump, which he's since renounced But it might be because on his 2011 mixtape.
00:42:09.000 He has this song I think the perfect day or something like that and it's half of it is home videos home movies of him as a little cute little kid and
00:42:19.000 And I heard him mention in an interview that he wanted kids one day and I just, it's just so gutting. 0.92
00:42:24.000 And it keeps fucking happening and it's one family, the Sackler family. 0.97
00:42:30.000 And I think Eric Bolling, my colleague here at CRTV, his son, I believe died of an opioid epidemic, my local bar in my town. 0.99
00:42:39.000 You know, she-she country club town, everyone sails and golfs and stuff.
00:42:43.000 And that bartender, his son passed away. 0.99
00:42:45.000 I'm just so fucking pissed. 0.98
00:42:47.000 I remember one time I was at that bar and the guy was selling wine and he goes, and this is a nice one from South Africa, and the bartender, there's a different bartender, he goes, no I'm not interested in wine from South Africa. 0.98
00:42:59.000 Now I don't like rocking the boat in my neighborhood because I'm new there and my wife and I are basically the coneheads in our neighborhood. 0.99
00:43:04.000 We're trying to blend in but we're inherently freaks, especially with all my fucking ridiculous tattoos. 0.98
00:43:12.000 If I go to the beach, my entire back is a skullhead jellyfish eating Chunk I Shack and Fidel Castro. 0.99
00:43:20.000 My entire back.
00:43:21.000 And everyone else there will have just like a 0.99
00:43:23.000 I don't know their fucking daughter's name on their ankle at the very most. 0.99
00:43:26.000 So that's already ridiculous. 1.00
00:43:28.000 So we're trying to blend in.
00:43:28.000 I don't want to rock the boat.
00:43:29.000 But when he did that, I just thought...
00:43:32.000 Apartheid was abolished in the 80s, dude.
00:43:40.000 83?
00:43:40.000 82?
00:43:40.000 White people are being eaten alive.
00:43:42.000 They take a man, they rape and murder his wife and daughters in front of him, then they blind him with acid, and then they leave so he'll kill himself a few days later, which he inevitably does. 1.00
00:43:55.000 That's the situation in South Africa, and you're not buying their wine because they're racist. 1.00
00:44:01.000 Grow the fuck up. 0.99
00:44:02.000 I mean, this obsession with race in this country is becoming... I've had enough of it. 0.99
00:44:07.000 Like, that dude Kramer, his life is ruined because he said the N-word about a billionth as many times as Three Six Mafia did.
00:44:16.000 We need to recalibrate our pariah machine, because we're aiming it at the wrong thing. 0.99
00:44:20.000 It should be aimed at this opioid crisis, for fuck's sakes. 0.97
00:44:24.000 Or, you know, this war on free speech in Britain, where Tommy Robinson is being told his wife's gonna get acid thrown in her face, and they're doing it just to make him cry when he's in solitary confinement. 0.99
00:44:36.000 That seems to me a bigger deal than Kramer swearing when he loses his temper.
00:44:43.000 No thanks, I don't do Cambodian wine.
00:44:44.000 That's where Pol Pot is from.
00:44:45.000 Like, being obsessed with Hitler is like being obsessed with Pol Pot. 0.98
00:44:48.000 It's equally ridiculous. 0.95
00:45:02.000 But yeah, and that bartender's son, the other bartender's son, just died of an opioid overdose. 0.95
00:45:09.000 And you think, could we maybe redirect our outrage?
00:45:14.000 Like, can we give opioids some major stigma?
00:45:18.000 I think most young people don't even understand that there's a myriad of drugs out there.
00:45:22.000 Lots of drugs.
00:45:23.000 Speed, coke, pot.
00:45:24.000 Tons and tons and tons of drugs.
00:45:27.000 One of them is Russian Roulette.
00:45:30.000 I've never heard of anyone dying of a cocaine overdose.
00:45:32.000 I guess they have a heart attack or speed addicts might have a heart attack. 0.62
00:45:35.000 But for the most part, it's only fentanyl, oxy, heroin, all those opioids.
00:45:41.000 So think of it as a bunch of pretty girls and one of them has AIDS. 1.00
00:45:46.000 We have to let the kids know that this one has AIDS.
00:45:49.000 It's not worth the risk.
00:45:51.000 I know it feels good.
00:45:52.000 Don't get me wrong.
00:45:53.000 I've tried heroin.
00:45:54.000 It feels great.
00:45:56.000 But there's all these girls that are like 8.1s and then there's a 9.7 who has AIDS. 1.00
00:46:04.000 Who do you want to have sex with? 1.00
00:46:07.000 And they all have equally big tits, by the way, if you like to visualize. 1.00
00:46:10.000 Have sex with the eights. 1.00
00:46:12.000 You can, with pot and booze, you can really cook up in a frying pan a very good simulation of opioids. 1.00
00:46:21.000 You can get pretty darn, especially with this modern pot that's like fucking, like being hit with a Mack truck, I can't really handle it anymore. 0.97
00:46:29.000 But a few, like two makers, four beers, the right tokes. 0.99
00:46:34.000 You can get like 70% of the way that you could get to heroin.
00:46:38.000 And you don't die of AIDS. 0.99
00:46:40.000 So I just wish we would focus on more realistic threats than microaggressions and what someone may have meant and this fucking obsession with white supremacy. 1.00
00:46:52.000 Even when you say, now we're saying black people are white supremacists. 1.00
00:46:56.000 That's fucking Looney Tunes. 1.00
00:46:59.000 That's mental illness. 1.00
00:47:02.000 It's reached points of mental illness and that would be harmless fun and just worth laughing if there wasn't actual things going on. 0.95
00:47:08.000 Like children being raped in Rotherham. 0.99
00:47:10.000 Like pedophile priests in Philadelphia and all over America. 0.98
00:47:14.000 That should be the top stories that should just be on a loop basically in the news. 1.00
00:47:17.000 Not the president may have fucked a porn star ten years ago. 0.98
00:47:20.000 No one 1.00
00:47:21.000 Who fucking cares? 0.98
00:47:22.000 That doesn't hurt anyone. 0.99
00:47:24.000 That's irrelevant. 1.00
00:47:25.000 The stories we should be hearing about is pedophile priests, pedophile Muslims, and opioids. 0.99
00:47:33.000 40,000 a year. 0.99
00:47:34.000 That's like breast cancer. 0.98
00:47:36.000 That's like car accidents.
00:47:39.000 That's like smoking.
00:47:41.000 I mean, obesity is more like 500,000.
00:47:43.000 Actually, you're right.
00:47:44.000 You're right, subconscious.
00:47:46.000 Obesity should be at the top. 0.98
00:47:48.000 That's half a million people a year. 0.99
00:47:50.000 But they don't want to fuck with their advertisers. 1.00
00:47:52.000 In fact, I remember at Fox News they would say, Hey, uh, don't shit on fat people, uh, today, because they're our bread and butter. 1.00
00:47:57.000 No, I'm shitting on fat people. 1.00
00:47:59.000 Some of my best friends are fats. 1.00
00:48:01.000 Fats.
00:48:03.000 I'm gonna call them fats from now on. 0.99
00:48:04.000 But I tell my fat friends all the time, Dude, you're dying. 0.98
00:48:07.000 Stop it. 0.99
00:48:09.000 And I make fun of them.
00:48:10.000 And that's actually benevolent.
00:48:11.000 Because I'm trying to wake them up to the fact that they're dying.
00:48:16.000 Anyway, it's all in good fun.
00:48:19.000 It's all got a purpose to it.
00:48:21.000 And the purpose is I care about my community.
00:48:23.000 I want them to be better. 0.98
00:48:24.000 I don't care if they hate me, but I want fat people to know they're dying.
00:48:28.000 I want young people to know to stay away from opioids.
00:48:29.000 I want 25-year-olds to know that they should probably stop partying and settle down.
00:48:34.000 Partying's awesome, don't get me wrong, but you're partying your ass off when you're 40?
00:48:39.000 And you're not married?
00:48:40.000 What are you doing?
00:48:41.000 You first got drunk when you were 14.
00:48:43.000 How many wild oats do you gotta sow? 0.99
00:48:45.000 I've always said if you're not done sowing your wild oats after 10 years of booze and drugs and rampant sex, then you have a mental issue. 0.99
00:48:55.000 As I swig my bottle of Makers Mark. 0.68
00:48:59.000 CRTV.com got a show, CRTV Tonight. 1.00
00:49:02.000 This Friday I've got a pro skater who's pro MAGA and he's losing a lot of sponsors for it because we're obsessed with fucking dumb shit like someone might be racist. 0.98
00:49:14.000 And I also have Claire Hardwick and Lisa DePasquale and a dude from the Daily Caller whose name escapes me, but he's an awesome guy. 0.99
00:49:24.000 I think his name's Denny or something?
00:49:26.000 I'm sorry. 1.00
00:49:27.000 I fucking suck with names. 0.99
00:49:29.000 When you get to this age, names escape you. 1.00
00:49:31.000 Oh, this has been a long one.
00:49:33.000 And then we're back to business as usual on Monday with Get Off My Lawn.
00:49:38.000 I like you more than a friend and I'll see you, you podcasters who are too cheap to pay for my quality entertainment, I will see you Monday.