Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - September 21, 2018


Get Off My Lawn Podcast #83 | Fight stories are always fun

Topics
spider eggs in vagina starting an indie label
Hosted by
Gavin McInnes
Mentioned
Fidel Castro Simon Nixon Shea Guevara Che Guevara Trevor Simser Shane Smith Saroosh Clinique Alternatif Sally Hansen Danny Diablo Ottawa Gavin Ottawa Gary Fuckin Andy Ryan McGinley Raymond Villeneuve Anthony Civarelli Colin Kaepernick Jordan Peterson Elvis Costello and 28 more
Ep 187 | Jailhouse Shock | Get Off My Lawn Ep 188 | Tiger Claws Back | Get Off My Lawn

Episode Stats


Length

58 minutes

Words per minute

178.77

Word count

10,434

Sentence count

1,009

Harmful content

Misogyny

23

sentences flagged

Toxicity

311

sentences flagged

Hate speech

37

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

In this episode, Prince talks about his early days in the entertainment industry, how he got his start as an actor, and why you should just do whatever it takes to get your foot in the door. He also talks about what it's like being in a band, and how he almost got sued by a photographer for taking photos of a fight. And finally, he talks about the weirdest thing he's ever seen, and what he would do if he was in a spider infested vagina. Enjoy the episode and don't forget to leave us a rating and a review on Apple Podcasts! Thanks to everyone for all your support, stay safe out there and Don't Get Lost in the Storm! Logo by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. The 500 is a production of Native Creative Podcasts. All rights reserved. Used by permission. If you enjoyed this episode please leave a review and/or share it with a friend or become a patron. Thank you for supporting this podcast. It helps keep us to keep spreading the word out there about what we do. We love you, thank you, and spread the word to the world about our podcast and our mission to create a safe, positive, uplifting and uplifting the planet. XOXO, and keep spreading positivity and positivity everywhere. Love you, everyone! xoxo, Kristy. P.S. -P.P.A. -PSO.M.E. ( ) (P.J. ( ) ( ) -PJ ( )(A. (A.A) (A) (C) (S. (C.) (A.) (C. (R. (D). (A). (F) (K. (P) (M. (B) (T) (C). (D) (Q) (E. (E) (F). (P.) (P). (R) (B. (K) (R). (B.) ( ) ) (K (A(A) & A) (D. A. (M) ( ) & B. (V) (J) ) (S) (I. (F.) (B). (S(A.) ) ) ) (F. (SV (R.) (T). (C ) (C(A). ) (A ) (QA ( )

Transcript

Transcripts from "Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes" are sourced from the Knowledge Fight Interactive Search Tool. Explore them interactively here.
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Toxicity classifications generated with s-nlp/roberta_toxicity_classifier .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
Topics generated with Qwen2.5-3B-Instruct.
Hosts, guests, and mentioned names generated with spaCy (en_core_web_sm), reconciled against Wikidata.
00:00:00.000 Fight stories are always fun.
00:00:03.000 I remember Anthony Civarelli, Civ, he's the guy who did my back tattoo.
00:00:07.000 He wanted to do a book on just fight stories.
00:00:14.000 Which is a great idea.
00:00:15.000 And I was working with him on it.
00:00:18.000 And then we brought in this photographer.
00:00:21.000 I did.
00:00:22.000 I said, let's make it a coffee table book.
00:00:23.000 So there'll be stories, and then you cut to like pictures from, you know, mid-fight.
00:00:30.000 Sort of Ryan McGinley-esque photos.
00:00:32.000 You know, like street kind of stuff.
00:00:34.000 Not fancy photographer stuff.
00:00:36.000 Not like from boxing, but from street fights.
00:00:39.000 I thought it was a great idea.
00:00:40.000 I thought it would make a great book.
00:00:41.000 I forget the guy's name.
00:00:43.000 The photographer's name.
00:00:44.000 Brody Dale or something like that?
00:00:46.000 That's the chick from The Casualties. 0.99
00:00:49.000 Anyway, I started working on it assuming Siv would love the idea. 1.00
00:00:54.000 And then he goes, fuck that, I'm not doing any of this MTV shit. 0.99
00:00:58.000 And I understand that mentality. 1.00
00:01:00.000 He just wanted it to be a written book like that book, Gig, which is Americans talking about their jobs. 0.99
00:01:05.000 A fucking amazing book. 0.97
00:01:07.000 I love that book. 0.99
00:01:08.000 Please get that book.
00:01:08.000 It's just maybe a hundred stories of a paperboy talking about his job, the CEO of a major corporation talking about his job.
00:01:16.000 They've got some bartender from Lily's on, uh, what is that, Avenue A?
00:01:22.000 Saying, uh,
00:01:23.000 Yes, uh, the Skinnyheads would come in and fight the punk rockers in 80s from Tompkins Square Park.
00:01:32.000 Skinnyheads, she says. 0.90
00:01:34.000 It's fucking awesome, that book. 0.97
00:01:36.000 Um, so he wanted that kind of a thing. 0.95
00:01:37.000 Sev did. 0.54
00:01:38.000 Gorilla Biscuit's vocalist, I'm talking about.
00:01:41.000 And, uh... 1.00
00:01:43.000 And then the photographer goes, if you guys move forward with this in any way, I'm gonna sue your ass. 1.00
00:01:50.000 This is like a 22 year old. 0.99
00:01:52.000 Hey 22 year olds, don't talk about suing people.
00:01:55.000 Here's the thing you gotta know about business when you're young.
00:01:58.000 Say yes to everything.
00:02:00.000 Hey, we like your cartoon, but we want to have the rights to the characters.
00:02:03.000 Say yes.
00:02:05.000 Fine.
00:02:05.000 Make new characters.
00:02:06.000 You're starting out.
00:02:08.000 You gotta say yes to everything.
00:02:09.000 Get your foot in the door.
00:02:11.000 Stop negotiating with the publisher or the broadcaster. 1.00
00:02:15.000 I don't want to get fucked over, man. 1.00
00:02:17.000 Get fucked over. 1.00
00:02:18.000 Okay, you just started. 1.00
00:02:20.000 Let big corporate America walk all over you on your first deal.
00:02:23.000 If you're a band and you get offered a contract, just sign it.
00:02:26.000 Say yes.
00:02:27.000 You can start a new band if you don't like it.
00:02:30.000 Here's another secret no one talks about.
00:02:33.000 Start the project, sign everything.
00:02:34.000 If you don't like it, they're not going to sue you.
00:02:37.000 Just stop doing it. 0.87
00:02:38.000 Now, if you try to continue with the name Prince, you're going to be screwed.
00:02:42.000 But say you sign up to a TV show and you realize, I don't want to be an actor.
00:02:46.000 Just leave.
00:02:47.000 They'll figure it out.
00:02:47.000 They're not going to sue you.
00:02:48.000 You'll never work as an actor again, of course.
00:02:51.000 But if you're not into that pursuit, don't worry about it.
00:02:54.000 Anyway, he had that old millennial attitude of entitlement. 0.95
00:02:59.000 You know what's fucking funny? 1.00
00:03:00.000 He wore a big, huge, stupid hat. 1.00
00:03:02.000 This is the early aughts I'm talking about now. 1.00
00:03:06.000 And I saw him years later.
00:03:12.000 What the hell is crawling on my back?
00:03:15.000 Something was just crawling on my back. 0.93
00:03:17.000 What in the Sam hell?
00:03:20.000 That was weird.
00:03:21.000 You know a great thing about tree planting, having been a tree planter for five years, is I don't really care about bugs.
00:03:28.000 Like, if a millipede crawled over your leg, you'd have a heart attack? 1.00
00:03:31.000 I'd just go, what the fuck? 1.00
00:03:33.000 How'd a millipede get in here? 0.99
00:03:34.000 And I would pick it up, and it would wrap around me, and I would just try to flick it off.
00:03:38.000 I know I sounded freaked out when something just crawled down my back.
00:03:41.000 I don't even know where it is now.
00:03:42.000 Could've been lint.
00:03:44.000 Uh, it could've been a spider.
00:03:47.000 I don't care.
00:03:49.000 It could be down the crack. 0.99
00:03:50.000 It could be in my butt crack right now, laying eggs. 0.99
00:03:53.000 Laying eggs. 1.00
00:03:53.000 It could make it down into my anus and just start a whole family there. 1.00
00:03:57.000 I heard about that. 1.00
00:03:58.000 Some woman had a maxi pad with spiders and the spiders' legged eggs in her vagina. 1.00
00:04:04.000 Which means she's the spider's mom. 0.99
00:04:08.000 She's a surrogate spider mom. 1.00
00:04:11.000 Spider mom, spider mom, giving birth to spider eggs out of her vagina. 1.00
00:04:16.000 What the hell's the matter with you? 1.00
00:04:17.000 Have you ever showered? 1.00
00:04:18.000 You're disgusting. 1.00
00:04:19.000 Hey there! 1.00
00:04:20.000 You must weigh 400 pounds now. 0.97
00:04:23.000 You're a giant spider mom. 1.00
00:04:25.000 You got a bunch of eggs! 0.99
00:04:31.000 My friend of my middle son's has this Musical.ly.
00:04:37.000 I don't know what Musical.ly means but it says
00:04:43.000 The day you get a puppy, it's like a Vine thing, like a social media thing little kids use.
00:04:47.000 The day you get a puppy, oh, it's cute.
00:04:50.000 The day you, the day after you get a puppy, please poo outside. 0.99
00:04:57.000 I know that doesn't sound funny to you as an adult, but for ten-year-olds, that's fucking the most hilarious thing in the world. 0.99
00:05:01.000 And it's funny because it's true. 0.99
00:05:03.000 And then my five-year-old goes, everything is penis with five-year-olds. 0.98
00:05:08.000 And he goes, 1.00
00:05:10.000 The day you get a penis, oh it's so wiggly. 1.00
00:05:14.000 The day after you get a penis, it's right in the middle of my balls. 1.00
00:05:22.000 I laughed so hard I almost crashed the car. 1.00
00:05:24.000 Holy shit he's funny. 0.98
00:05:26.000 I'm starting a book of just his quotes and I'm going to make it like a children's book. 0.98
00:05:32.000 It's going to be called What's Blue and What's Round.
00:05:37.000 And the answer is a butt cheek what's wearing blue pants, but every time he says something I take voice notes and then this one I took a voice.
00:05:47.000 He thought that he wanted me to have to he wanted me to record him taking the voice note But I let him anyway, and I don't even remember what this is, but I remember it being hilarious
00:06:00.000 Oh yeah, that's a different one.
00:06:01.000 If you get a cut, you're wasting your heart blood.
00:06:03.000 Let's see this one.
00:06:21.000 He's not.
00:06:22.000 We don't go to church as often as we should.
00:06:24.000 And he hates church.
00:06:25.000 So that's not like a little Christian kid saying that.
00:06:27.000 He's just throwing that in as a little addendum.
00:06:31.000 But that's also funny because it's true.
00:06:33.000 If you frown like you're Satan when you're playing foosball, first of all, your brow goes down.
00:06:37.000 So you block out the other guy and you can totally focus on the ball.
00:06:40.000 And secondly, it gets you into this intense mode.
00:06:44.000 Try it.
00:06:44.000 Next time you're playing foosball, frown like Satan and you'll do way better.
00:06:50.000 Anyway, yeah, so we wanted to do this fight book.
00:06:55.000 And then it just sort of fizzled away after that, I guess.
00:06:58.000 But don't steal Siv's idea.
00:07:00.000 It's a great idea.
00:07:00.000 Just go around with the tape.
00:07:01.000 Oh yeah, that was it.
00:07:02.000 He wanted to do all his friends.
00:07:04.000 And the guy's busy.
00:07:05.000 He runs a tattoo shop, Lotus Tattoos.
00:07:07.000 So he didn't, he just didn't have time to go around with a tape recorder recording everyone.
00:07:11.000 But being in the hardcore scene and being a tough kid from Brooklyn who, you know,
00:07:17.000 Knows scary dudes, like DMS.
00:07:20.000 No offense, DMS.
00:07:21.000 I'm not disrespecting you in any way, shape, or form.
00:07:25.000 He could, you know, record all these awesome stories.
00:07:27.000 Like, look up Lord Ezak.
00:07:29.000 E-Z-E-C. 1.00
00:07:31.000 Also known as Danny Diablo.
00:07:33.000 Go Google him. 0.99
00:07:34.000 Can you imagine the fucking stories that guy has? 0.99
00:07:39.000 I've hung out with him a couple of times. 1.00
00:07:41.000 He talks like, uh, yo, what's going on, fucking? 0.99
00:07:45.000 I said I should join your gang. 0.99
00:07:47.000 Like, you have guys like Boston Mike in the gang.
00:07:49.000 Those kind of names.
00:07:50.000 I want to be Ottawa Gavin.
00:07:53.000 Why doesn't that sound as cool as Boston Mike, Ottawa Gavin? 0.99
00:07:56.000 He goes, I don't know, that's fucked up. 0.97
00:07:58.000 You're right, though. 0.98
00:07:59.000 Maybe we should get some funny guys in the gang.
00:08:01.000 He didn't say gang.
00:08:02.000 Funny guys in the group.
00:08:04.000 You know what? 1.00
00:08:06.000 Fuck it, let's do it. 1.00
00:08:07.000 Ottawa Gary, you're in, you're in. 1.00
00:08:08.000 Now, he was kidding.
00:08:09.000 I wasn't in DMS, but I kind of thought he was. 0.99
00:08:12.000 And then some shit went down and I said, I'm out of DMS. 0.95
00:08:15.000 And I only knew them through this dude, Trevor. 0.99
00:08:17.000 And I go, tell Trevor I'm out.
00:08:18.000 I mean, Trevor, tell them I'm out.
00:08:20.000 And he tells Danny Diablo, Kevin said something about Ottawa Gary.
00:08:25.000 What? 0.99
00:08:26.000 Fucking Ottawa Gary? 1.00
00:08:27.000 That dude, your gay friend? 1.00
00:08:29.000 He thought I was serious?
00:08:32.000 And Trevor goes, yeah, I think you did.
00:08:34.000 And he's not gay.
00:08:36.000 He goes, yeah, whatever, dude.
00:08:37.000 Look, I grew up in New York City. 0.99
00:08:38.000 I don't fucking care. 1.00
00:08:40.000 I see fags everywhere, every day. 1.00
00:08:42.000 Fuck, and you think I give a shit? 1.00
00:08:45.000 Yeah, but he's not. 1.00
00:08:46.000 OK, whatever.
00:08:47.000 Whatever helps you sleep at night.
00:08:49.000 Amazing.
00:08:51.000 The funny thing about New York hardcore dudes is they're all funny.
00:08:57.000 Like, you listen to Sheer Terror, or Sick of it All, and you think, those guys probably kill people for fun.
00:09:05.000 Like, they sound like Slayer, so they're scary.
00:09:08.000 And then you hang out with them, and you go, these are the funniest dudes I've ever seen in my life.
00:09:13.000 And I think it's because you're in a van with dudes for 16 hours non-stop, you know?
00:09:20.000 Going from town to town, especially in the Midwest.
00:09:23.000 Especially when you're around Indiana, and you just can't help but riff, and you can't help but getting good at riffing.
00:09:29.000 That's why Fred Armisen is so funny.
00:09:30.000 Actually, that's why Portlandia is so funny, because both of them, Carey and Fred, were in bands forever.
00:09:38.000 Touring and touring and touring, slowly getting funnier and funnier and funnier.
00:09:43.000 Like, sick of it all, their manager was this guy who had kind of hemophilia eyes. 0.99
00:09:48.000 He had dark circles under his eyes, which is unfortunate when you're a little kid, but then when you get to be a teenager, you get so much pussy that you ask the ladies to please, may you please have a break. 1.00
00:09:58.000 As the graffiti I saw in Israel said, uh, Tinder, my dick is broken. 1.00
00:10:03.000 I want love. 0.99
00:10:05.000 And in Israeli, in Yiddish, I guess, my dick is broken means I've had enough, so it's a double entendre. 1.00
00:10:11.000 But anyway, he had these dark circles under his eyes, and they called them asshole eyes. 0.99
00:10:15.000 And they go to their publicist manager, or whatever their headquarters is. 0.98
00:10:23.000 I guess there was one place that handled the record label and the publicity.
00:10:26.000 So they would hang out there a lot and bring stuff by and see what's going on with the merch, etc.
00:10:31.000 There was some band that tried to sue Sick of It All because they were using the dragon tattoo as their logo.
00:10:36.000 And there's a rap band that does that too.
00:10:37.000 But you can't copyright a common tattoo, dudes.
00:10:41.000 So Sick of It All had to explain it to them.
00:10:44.000 I forget what the name of that band was.
00:10:46.000 They were a New York scary band.
00:10:49.000 Anyway, sorry.
00:10:51.000 So they go, Hey, yo, uh, we got a tape here of a manager just on the road.
00:10:57.000 I was wondering if you want to check it out, just sort of, we could use it maybe in a video or like as an extra on a DVD or something.
00:11:03.000 It's pretty cool.
00:11:04.000 It's just him hanging out and talking and stuff and getting us stuff and go, yeah, sure.
00:11:08.000 Let's see it.
00:11:10.000 The videotape, the VHS tape was a compilation of every time Lurch has appeared on Adam's family.
00:11:18.000 Because they thought their manager, Trevor Simzer, I've talked about him on a different episode, looked like Lurch from Adam's Family, so they took their time to sit there pressing record every time Lurch was on, and they made a Lurch montage.
00:11:32.000 That's not what you think when you hear Sick of It All. 0.99
00:11:36.000 You think of scary shit. 1.00
00:11:38.000 Nuclear explosions. 1.00
00:11:38.000 The cover of the Cro-Mag's album is a nuclear explosion. 1.00
00:11:42.000 No.
00:11:43.000 Some of the funniest people you'll ever meet.
00:11:46.000 Anyway, so Civ's funny, and he had an idea for a fight book, and he comes from a Brooklyn where to leave your block is an act of war.
00:11:57.000 It's funny that so many lefties in Brooklyn and hipsters want open borders, and they're living in a place where up until 1989, even some places in the 90s, you didn't, like most Brooklynites who were born and raised there, they can't swim or ride a bike, because there's, the pool's over in another spot, so they're not traveling there, and there's no need to, a bike, you don't leave the block.
00:12:21.000 A lot of, you meet guys from Brooklyn that have never been to Manhattan.
00:12:27.000 Especially South Brooklyn.
00:12:28.000 Anyway, sorry. 0.98
00:12:30.000 He told me a story once where him and his friends, when they were about 13, they thought, fuck it, let's leave the block. 0.92
00:12:37.000 And they were walking down the street. 0.98
00:12:39.000 I'm probably screwing up the story, Civ.
00:12:41.000 But they're walking down the street on another block, which is like going to Africa. 0.98
00:12:45.000 They're in another universe.
00:12:47.000 And these older kids catch them. 0.99
00:12:50.000 And they go, what the fuck are you doing here? 0.99
00:12:53.000 Uh, we're just checking stuff out. 0.99
00:12:56.000 No you're not!
00:12:57.000 And I think they pulled them into a church to beat them.
00:13:00.000 This is what you do when you're an advanced fighter.
00:13:02.000 You want to, like, put them in a bathtub or something so you can beat them and they can't run away and you can really focus on your pounding.
00:13:08.000 But because these kids were so much older, these kids were probably 18 and Civ and his friend were about 13, they couldn't beat up the kids because that's bad for your rep.
00:13:16.000 You beat up little kids.
00:13:18.000 So what they did was they made Civ and his friend beat each other up.
00:13:22.000 How do you do that? 0.95
00:13:22.000 Well, you give him a few punches in the head. 0.95
00:13:24.000 So you punch him in the face. 0.99
00:13:25.000 And they go, no. 0.91
00:13:26.000 And he goes, oh yeah?
00:13:29.000 And starts pounding the 13-year-old. 1.00
00:13:31.000 And then the 13-year-old goes, well, fuck this. 1.00
00:13:33.000 And he starts beating up his friend. 1.00
00:13:34.000 And then they make their friend do it back to him.
00:13:36.000 And of course, as they're beating each other up, their friends, they get mad, because it hurts so much. 0.99
00:13:40.000 Like, what the fuck? 1.00
00:13:41.000 You have to hit me that hard? 1.00
00:13:42.000 You could have, like, done a wrestling punch. 0.99
00:13:43.000 We could have done some WWF shit. 1.00
00:13:45.000 Fuck you. 1.00
00:13:47.000 So that's the world he's coming from. 1.00
00:13:51.000 And I thought that would be, this is an incredibly long intro, to, I was thinking of this amazing fight story that happened.
00:13:57.000 Because it's telling of a much bigger picture. 0.96
00:14:01.000 And by the way, the reason I bring up all this fighting is, it's retarded to just go up to someone and punch them in the face. 0.99
00:14:08.000 Or, to instigate violence is obviously ridiculous. 0.99
00:14:12.000 Just to punch someone because you don't like them, that shows you're weak. 0.99
00:14:15.000 That shows you can't use your words, as we say in preschool. 0.59
00:14:20.000 Just, you should be witty enough to insult people.
00:14:25.000 And then if they get violent and they hit the first punch, well now all bets are off.
00:14:30.000 Now what if someone's doing something like hitting a kid?
00:14:32.000 That's different.
00:14:33.000 That's different.
00:14:33.000 Or shoving a woman?
00:14:34.000 That means they instigated it first. 0.96
00:14:36.000 Now a dog shitting in a park... 0.98
00:14:40.000 I would yell and yell at him and tell him to pick it up and keep yelling at him until he hit me.
00:14:45.000 But I think it's smart, especially if there's lots of cops and cameras around and you're at a rally or something, to put your hands behind your back and go up to someone and say, do you have a problem here?
00:14:53.000 And let them have the first punch. 1.00
00:14:55.000 Hope it's not a knockout.
00:14:57.000 You could probably deke it out.
00:14:59.000 And then all bets are off.
00:15:01.000 And then you're allowed to have fun, by the way.
00:15:02.000 There's nothing wrong with that.
00:15:05.000 You don't start fights, you finish them.
00:15:06.000 And if you're finishing them, it's okay to enjoy it.
00:15:09.000 Especially if it's justified.
00:15:10.000 It feels good.
00:15:11.000 Justified violence feels good.
00:15:12.000 I don't understand how we got to this place where we're so petrified of violence in fighting.
00:15:18.000 It used to just handle itself.
00:15:21.000 I'm not talking about mobsters shooting each other in the head.
00:15:23.000 I'm just talking about these guys have a beat.
00:15:25.000 That's the way it was in the 70s.
00:15:27.000 You meet in the playground at 3.20 after school.
00:15:30.000 You knew about it sometimes a day in advance.
00:15:32.000 You'd have explosive diarrhea in anticipation of fighting Barry Pablo at the Earl of March High School.
00:15:39.000 And everyone would gather around and watch.
00:15:41.000 It's perfectly healthy.
00:15:43.000 Perfectly healthy.
00:15:43.000 It's not evil.
00:15:44.000 You're not gonna die.
00:15:46.000 Gun violence is evil.
00:15:48.000 Knife violence, weapons violence is scary and horrible.
00:15:51.000 But a few fisticuffs, it's a very important part of being a young man. 1.00
00:15:55.000 And it changes the way you walk down the street.
00:15:56.000 I think it helps you in business too.
00:15:58.000 Because what a lot of women don't understand is the workforce is violence. 1.00
00:16:04.000 Bidding on contracts, competitors undercutting you, it's all violence.
00:16:09.000 And in boardrooms when there's confrontation or even within your own company there's competition, that's kind of like a schoolyard brawl.
00:16:17.000 And to know that you could throw down with this guy if worse comes to worse, it sort of shatters the ceiling of confrontation and you're not scared of anything anymore.
00:16:26.000 If you're petrified of violence and you're sitting there arguing with him and he goes,
00:16:31.000 And you think, uh oh, we can't let this get to Fisticuffs.
00:16:34.000 Well now you have a ceiling on your confrontation, and you're going to back down if he backs up.
00:16:40.000 Not backs up, but goes up.
00:16:42.000 So when there's a, when you don't care if you fight, you know, I'm not talking about strangers on the train who could be armed, I'm talking about people you're familiar with.
00:16:51.000 Then you're a lot more fearless, and then you get stuff done on a local level, you know?
00:16:56.000 You get the contract, you finish it on time, you're not undercut by the competition, you don't get beat out.
00:17:05.000 If you can beat them up.
00:17:06.000 Or at least you're not scared.
00:17:07.000 And who wins a fight is irrelevant.
00:17:11.000 It's just a lot of fighting is just a roll of the dice.
00:17:15.000 You know, it's just some guy gets too good.
00:17:17.000 If a guy connects with your head twice, you're not, you're disoriented.
00:17:22.000 I think we're done here.
00:17:23.000 And that's, it's really hard to punch someone in the face.
00:17:26.000 In fact, at a boxing gym, a big part of your rounds is the double-ended bag, which it doesn't take any power whatsoever.
00:17:34.000 Actually, the speed bag and the double-ended bag are both based on speed and accuracy.
00:17:38.000 Because a huge part of fighting is hitting this moving target.
00:17:41.000 You'll notice when you see two guys fight, they're always just like grazing each other, like punching each other's ears and scrazing off their beard.
00:17:50.000 Any hizzle, this is the fight story that I wanted to tell 17 minutes ago.
00:17:55.000 Um, so we're in Montreal.
00:17:57.000 The year is 1997.
00:18:01.000 We started Vice in 94, and we're doing pretty good.
00:18:05.000 But we decide to start a record label because my co-worker, Sarouche, who's really into music, probably still is, and he has a magical ear where he'll hear a band and go, these guys are going places.
00:18:17.000 It was just a gift, like being a good chef.
00:18:17.000 And he was always right.
00:18:21.000 You just have more taste buds in your ear.
00:18:24.000 And so he started an indie label and I highly do not recommend starting an indie label.
00:18:30.000 Speaking of that photographer who wanted to sue us for something that he couldn't possibly sue us for.
00:18:37.000 Indie bands don't understand indie labels.
00:18:41.000 There's two types of ways to put out a record.
00:18:43.000 You're a major label.
00:18:45.000 The major label handles absolutely everything.
00:18:48.000 They make sure there's posters waiting at the venue when you're on tour.
00:18:51.000 They make sure the hotel is taken care of.
00:18:53.000 If you don't like the hotel, they find a new hotel.
00:18:55.000 They negotiate everything.
00:18:57.000 The merch is all handled.
00:18:58.000 We have all the sizes at all your venues.
00:19:01.000 We make sure your record is in these stores, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
00:19:04.000 And for that, you get a minuscule cut.
00:19:07.000 Probably nothing.
00:19:08.000 You probably only get, in this day and age, all you're going to get is a cut of your live shows and about zero dollars per record.
00:19:16.000 We're good to go. 0.81
00:19:33.000 And it's your job to load the van up with your merch and your DVDs and your CDs and whatever the fuck else the kids are using today. 0.97
00:19:41.000 Your thumb drives? 0.83
00:19:43.000 What do they sell at shows?
00:19:45.000 7 inches probably?
00:19:45.000 They've probably gone back to vinyl.
00:19:48.000 And you don't really talk to the label.
00:19:50.000 And then for that you get a massive cut of everything, like 50% or something.
00:19:55.000 And they handle, you know, about 25 to 30% of your stuff.
00:20:00.000 What I find with indie bands is they assume you're getting stinking rich off of the 5,000 CDs that you sold.
00:20:09.000 And they get all pissy when they get to a town and there's not posters up or there's not posters for sale at the merch table.
00:20:16.000 The merch table isn't stocked with stuff.
00:20:18.000 They're just really... It goes back to entitlement, right?
00:20:22.000 And then you're like, I'm making about $1,000 a year with this thing and all I'm getting is bullshit from my friends? 0.90
00:20:29.000 And I started this label for my friends. 0.87
00:20:31.000 I'm not talking about me.
00:20:32.000 I'm saying the indie record owner. 1.00
00:20:34.000 Fuck this. 1.00
00:20:35.000 This isn't fun. 1.00
00:20:36.000 Frank Kozik, I think, he was kind of a nerd back in Austin.
00:20:41.000 I think he did it so he could hang out with cool people.
00:20:43.000 Or what was that rap label?
00:20:45.000 Defcon in New York. 0.90
00:20:47.000 I think that guy was just a rich white kid who wanted to buy black friends.
00:20:50.000 It makes sense in that scenario.
00:20:53.000 If you want to buy friends, they have to hang out with you if they're on the label.
00:20:57.000 But, uh, otherwise, do not do it.
00:20:59.000 Anyway, I'm at our local bar, The Biff Tech, and there was this dude, Simon Nixon.
00:21:05.000 He used to be in a band called Octopussy. 0.82
00:21:09.000 And, uh, big guy, tough guy, drunkard. 0.86
00:21:12.000 He was very... He had a lot of hooks, as people who do impressions say.
00:21:17.000 He used to say crazy shit, like you... This is a typical Simon Nixon sentence. 1.00
00:21:21.000 He'd go, 0.98
00:21:22.000 Yeah, a lot of people like crap on TV a lot, but I think it's a beaut. 0.98
00:21:26.000 I don't like reading. 0.98
00:21:28.000 And he was a good singer, and he had this band.
00:21:31.000 I think they were called the Paper Boys.
00:21:32.000 Yeah, that was it.
00:21:33.000 We put them out, and they sounded like Elvis Costello.
00:21:35.000 Radio is the sound style.
00:21:37.000 He did the same kind of singing.
00:21:38.000 Radio is just cleaning up the nation.
00:21:41.000 I know you want to listen to the voice of reason.
00:21:46.000 And we were making kind of good money.
00:21:49.000 We had left the welfare scam, and we were all probably making, I don't know, 40 grand a year.
00:21:55.000 But that was insane back then.
00:21:57.000 And we had these things called cellular telephones that only a few people had.
00:22:02.000 And we had these Hallie Hansen jackets that Hallie Hansen stitched the Vice logo on. 0.98
00:22:08.000 There's only three of them in the world.
00:22:09.000 Me, Shane, and Saroosh had them.
00:22:10.000 Totally dope, dude.
00:22:12.000 In retrospect, it was pretty embarrassing.
00:22:14.000 But we were, quote-unquote, flossing.
00:22:17.000 Which is lame everywhere.
00:22:19.000 I'm not saying it's lame personally.
00:22:21.000 Floss away, boys.
00:22:23.000 Get a Ferrari. 0.99
00:22:23.000 Go nuts. 0.99
00:22:24.000 But in certain cultures, that's frowned upon. 0.96
00:22:27.000 If you had a Ferrari in the Punxsay in the Lower East Side, you'd be a pariah.
00:22:30.000 And in all of Canada, Canada has this real anti-capitalist mentality because it's a socialist country.
00:22:36.000 So if you were driving down Saint Laurent Street in a Ferrari, people would laugh their heads off at you. 1.00
00:22:42.000 You'd be a fucking loser. 1.00
00:22:43.000 So any kind of... You know, they're like the Scots in that sense. 1.00
00:22:47.000 You gotta be an underdog, you can never brag, you can't be ostentatious.
00:22:50.000 That's considered American.
00:22:51.000 And we were getting ostentatious.
00:22:54.000 Um, which is funny because ostentatious meant $40,000 a year, a free jacket, a cell phone, and you making $1,000 a year off this band.
00:23:04.000 So, I overheard later, there's this other guy, what the hell was his name?
00:23:08.000 Andy something?
00:23:09.000 He was in the Tricky Woos.
00:23:11.000 And they're both sitting having a beer, and they're my friends!
00:23:14.000 I've hung out with these guys for...
00:23:17.000 I don't know, 200 hours?
00:23:20.000 But because we were slowly starting to split, it's sort of like when you get married.
00:23:25.000 You no longer have anything in common with your best friends and you drift apart.
00:23:29.000 When you start making money and getting serious about a career, all your lazy friends who wake up at 4 p.m., they start resenting you.
00:23:36.000 And I don't think it's jealousy per se. 0.99
00:23:38.000 You could give them your life and they'd go, fuck that, I'm not getting up at 9. 1.00
00:23:42.000 It's just like, 1.00
00:23:44.000 I don't know what it is.
00:23:45.000 It's just like, why did you abandon our culture of laziness?
00:23:49.000 You used to be one of us.
00:23:50.000 Part of the lazy community.
00:23:54.000 So, plus I'm also ignoring this. 0.95
00:23:56.000 You're hearing this story from me, so I'm leaving out the possibility that I'm just a twat who gets on people's nerves.
00:24:03.000 That's probably someone else's version of the story. 0.80
00:24:06.000 So in my version, everyone else is lazy and I'm great.
00:24:10.000 I'm sure in their version, they're like, look at him, dude. 0.78
00:24:13.000 Can you blame me for wanting to punch him? 0.99
00:24:16.000 So I'm sitting at the bar and I overheard later that Andy said to Simon, someone should just fucking punch that guy in the face. 0.99
00:24:23.000 And Simon finishes his beer and he's like, I'll do it right now. 0.99
00:24:26.000 He gets up from the bar and he walks over and he goes, Gavin!
00:24:29.000 I turn around and whack!
00:24:31.000 Now, I don't know if you've ever been slapped in the face spontaneously by a friend who all of a sudden wasn't kidding.
00:24:40.000 It is a wake-up call.
00:24:41.000 I think it's more shocking than a punch in the face.
00:24:45.000 Because it's loud, and you go deaf in one ear, and your brain can't process it.
00:24:52.000 You just slapped me?
00:24:53.000 A punch in the face, you go, oh, I was just punched. 1.00
00:24:55.000 What the hell? 0.91
00:24:57.000 Um, but a slap, it's just, it's so disorienting. 0.98
00:25:01.000 I think if you want to fight someone and you don't want to, you know, really go to town, I, I would recommend a slap. 0.99
00:25:08.000 And plus it's totally humiliating to the person that, because you're saying you're a bitch and you're not worth me punching like a man. 1.00
00:25:13.000 So I recommend it if you really want to have an impact. 0.99
00:25:18.000 So I go, what the?
00:25:20.000 And then it takes me 1, 1,000, 2, 1,000, probably three full seconds to figure out what the hell happened and go lunge at him.
00:25:29.000 As I lunge at him, the owner of the bar, the Biftec, he's this tiny little Portuguese man. 1.00
00:25:35.000 Portuguese dominate Montreal business, probably because they're tenacious and tough. 1.00
00:25:40.000 And as far as historical colonizers were, they were some of the most ruthless bastards in the history of history. 0.99
00:25:47.000 I mean, they would chop any Indian's head off and just eat his brains. 1.00
00:25:50.000 New props. 1.00
00:25:51.000 They made the Spaniards look like pussies. 1.00
00:25:55.000 And maybe it's in their DNA. 1.00
00:25:56.000 In Montreal, we call them pork and cheese.
00:25:58.000 So some pork and cheese, little tiny bald man, looks like Pablo Picasso, he goes soaring over the bar.
00:26:05.000 Like he jumped off a trampoline.
00:26:07.000 He's a little tiny Superman.
00:26:09.000 He jumps over the bar, and then he stops me, like jumps in front of me, and then the two bouncers grab me, throw me out of the bar.
00:26:17.000 And, uh, that's not good.
00:26:21.000 That was my local bar.
00:26:22.000 I'm not 86ed at this point, though.
00:26:26.000 And Simon doesn't get in trouble, that's the end of that. 0.98
00:26:30.000 So I go home, I believe, and I think, I have to fucking get him. 0.98
00:26:36.000 I can't sleep until I get revenge for that. 0.97
00:26:40.000 So, I don't know, I guess I could have gone to his house, but I know he DJs at the bar, and I used to DJ there too, and DJing meant you'd make a mixtape, a cassette, and then you would go and just play various cassettes
00:26:52.000 On two decks.
00:26:53.000 It had a reel-to-reel.
00:26:54.000 Melissa Oftermar of Hole also DJ'd there at the Biff Deck when she was 16.
00:26:59.000 She would go in there, press play on a mixtape, and then go back home and watch TV.
00:27:03.000 And, you know, watch the clock set her alarm to go flip the cassette. 0.99
00:27:08.000 And you made, I believe, $20, and I think you got four free beers.
00:27:12.000 And we were such losers back then that that was an awesome gig.
00:27:16.000 In fact, there was this dude, Rufus Raxlin,
00:27:20.000 And, uh, I got the gig and he thought he deserved it more, so he wanted to fight me because I got this awesome DJ gig that he felt he deserved. 0.99
00:27:30.000 And, uh, he would show up and say, fuck you, and show up and just give me the finger, like, as I was in the DJ booth. 0.99
00:27:36.000 I'm like, what are you doing, Rufus? 1.00
00:27:39.000 And then, one, he did the weirdest thing.
00:27:41.000 He came through the back door, which, we're right by the exit, and he goes, and he spits in my hair.
00:27:50.000 So I luckily had a greener ready and I just turn around and I grab him by the hair and I go, and I hork right in his face.
00:27:59.000 I covered him in mucus. 0.99
00:28:01.000 He looked like he was in a gay porn. 1.00
00:28:04.000 And he goes running out of there, and then he calls Saroosh a bunch of times and says, I'm going to fucking kill him! 1.00
00:28:09.000 I'm not going to work at Vice anymore! 0.98
00:28:11.000 Because he did our reviews or something.
00:28:14.000 And Saroosh calls me about it later, and I go, dude, he's horked in my face. 1.00
00:28:18.000 And then he talks to us.
00:28:20.000 Anyway, telephone.
00:28:21.000 But it turns out he was doing the air thing, where you go, and it's just air that hits the back of your head.
00:28:27.000 Well, don't do that when we have beef. 0.99
00:28:30.000 I'm obviously gonna think it's real spit. 0.99
00:28:32.000 Like, why don't you go up to a cop with a fucking BB gun while you're at it? 1.00
00:28:36.000 And go, pew pew pew! 1.00
00:28:37.000 That was idiotic. 0.99
00:28:40.000 But the point of that part of the story is to say, um, imagine being so broke that four beers and twenty bucks was an amazing gig. 0.99
00:28:49.000 Meanwhile, you got a DJ from 9 p.m.
00:28:50.000 till 4 a.m.
00:28:51.000 9, 10, 11, 12, 1, 2, 3, 4, 7 hours, 20 bucks.
00:28:52.000 What a deal!
00:28:59.000 A lot of these stand-up comedians haven't really moved on from that.
00:29:02.000 I think most stand-ups, most open micers, they dream of $20.
00:29:06.000 Even the really good guys, they get like $40, maybe $100 if they're really good.
00:29:13.000 And then if they can pack four gigs into one night, after taxi cost, they make like $320.
00:29:19.000 Right on, dude.
00:29:22.000 That's almost McDonald's.
00:29:24.000 Being a comedian rocks.
00:29:26.000 Telling the same jokes at every place?
00:29:29.000 Anyway, um... So, uh, I know he DJs there.
00:29:29.000 Fucking losers.
00:29:35.000 So I start going back there. 1.00
00:29:36.000 And I guess I got his days wrong. 0.98
00:29:38.000 Remember, there's this really fat, ugly chick who, uh, looked like she was pushing her face up against a window to look outside, but that was just her face. 1.00
00:29:46.000 And, uh, she was a friend of mine. 0.96
00:29:47.000 I said, she goes, what are you doing here?
00:29:49.000 And I go, uh, I'm trying to find Simon.
00:29:51.000 I'm gonna fight him. 1.00
00:29:53.000 And she goes, Simon would kick the fucking shit out of you. 1.00
00:29:57.000 And this was like a buddy of mine, isn't it? 1.00
00:30:00.000 What a weird thing to say, huh?
00:30:02.000 I was pretty confused by her tone. 1.00
00:30:05.000 Simon would fuck you up. 1.00
00:30:07.000 Oh, okay. 1.00
00:30:08.000 Simmer down. 0.99
00:30:08.000 You're supposed to say something like, oh, don't be ridiculous. 0.99
00:30:11.000 Let it go. 0.99
00:30:12.000 What are you, 12 boys and their little beefs?
00:30:15.000 That's a more reasonable, general tone.
00:30:19.000 And she may have been right. 1.00
00:30:21.000 But, uh, maybe he fucked her or something. 1.00
00:30:23.000 Anyway, keeps going and going, and then one night I'm walking there, and, uh, I run into Shane Smith of Vice fame. 0.99
00:30:32.000 And he goes, where you going?
00:30:33.000 I go, I'm going to get Simon.
00:30:34.000 He goes, weren't you talking about that like a week ago?
00:30:37.000 And I go, yeah, I haven't been able to catch him.
00:30:40.000 He's, I guess I got his nights wrong?
00:30:42.000 And he goes, so you're going to fight him because he slapped you?
00:30:46.000 Yes, I told you this a hundred times.
00:30:48.000 I like that, that's romantic.
00:30:49.000 Let's get a big dinner and we'll make it a thing.
00:30:53.000 Fat people always, you know, want to include dinner.
00:30:55.000 It's sort of like smokers where they go, we should go outside and enjoy some fresh air.
00:30:59.000 And then you go, I guess.
00:31:00.000 And then they're outside and they have their smoke and they go, let's get inside.
00:31:03.000 It's freezing out here.
00:31:03.000 And you think, oh, you were lying.
00:31:05.000 Or worse, they weren't lying.
00:31:06.000 It was the cigarette telling them this whole spiel about the fresh air and being outside and enjoying life.
00:31:12.000 And then once they're done the cigarette,
00:31:14.000 The cigarette leaves their brain, and they're back to themselves.
00:31:16.000 They're possessed.
00:31:18.000 Anyway, so we go to this awesome restaurant called L'Express, which is a fancy restaurant, and it's one of the best in Montreal.
00:31:25.000 It's really hard to get a table there, and I think it's my favorite restaurant in the world.
00:31:29.000 The waiters are cool, and they're all old, and they wear aprons and stuff, and they riff with you, and it's very French.
00:31:35.000 It's from a guy from France.
00:31:37.000 I think he's from a tiny town called Languedoc, and his goal was to make
00:31:42.000 Affordable, high-end cuisine.
00:31:46.000 Great mules there.
00:31:47.000 Anyway, we do that.
00:31:49.000 I like that kind of stuff, you know?
00:31:50.000 Like old-fashioned piratey stuff.
00:31:51.000 Like, let's have a toast to this fight.
00:31:54.000 And so, we have lots of wine and dinner and blah blah blah.
00:31:58.000 And then I go, alright.
00:31:58.000 Let's get the check, please.
00:32:01.000 And it's time to go fight Simon.
00:32:02.000 And I'm sure he's there this night.
00:32:04.000 Saturday night or something.
00:32:06.000 So we go there and it's me and Shane and I think someone else was there too.
00:32:12.000 Maybe it's just no it's just me and Shane.
00:32:14.000 So I go hey Simon let's step outside.
00:32:17.000 He's there by the DJ booth playing his cassettes and we're right by the back door.
00:32:21.000 Now it's winter in Montreal which is
00:32:24.000 The exact same as Moscow.
00:32:26.000 I think Montreal has the highest temperature range as in the world.
00:32:31.000 So no other city on earth has a wider spread from freezing cold to boiling hot.
00:32:38.000 And it is amazing like in July in...
00:32:41.000 In Montreal, you need to just wear a thong made of ice and a dry ice hat carved into the shape of a baseball hat.
00:32:53.000 And then you only have a third degree sunburn and your projectile vomiting.
00:32:56.000 And then in the winter,
00:32:58.000 It takes you 45 minutes to get ready to go out.
00:33:00.000 You gotta put on these industrial Gore-Tex boots and gloves and hat and ski goggles and all this crap and your insane coat that costs you 400 bucks that has 50 layers and they're used by people who work on the highway patrol.
00:33:15.000 I mean, on the highway.
00:33:17.000 In fact, you know what we talk about at the Biff Tech all January and February is, who settled this place?
00:33:25.000 Whose idea was Montreal?
00:33:28.000 That's the conversation for January, February.
00:33:31.000 Some of December.
00:33:32.000 And then, of course, the rest of the year, it's language.
00:33:34.000 English versus French. 0.87
00:33:36.000 Which people think, that's gay.
00:33:38.000 No, it's pretty intense. 0.73
00:33:39.000 Like, people died. 0.79
00:33:41.000 The FLQ is a terrorist group that bombed buildings and tried to kill English people. 1.00
00:33:49.000 Raymond Villeneuve said his only regret, and he did time for murdering English people, said his only regret was he didn't murder more anglais, maudite anglais, the damn English. 0.99
00:34:02.000 Excuse me, I'm having a yogurt break. 0.99
00:34:06.000 I started that Jordan Peterson diet of only animal products.
00:34:11.000 Cheese, milk, yogurt, meat, no vegetables whatsoever, no bread whatsoever.
00:34:17.000 It's going pretty good.
00:34:18.000 I feel kind of tighter and more intense.
00:34:20.000 I'm less kind of bloated.
00:34:23.000 And I get wasted on beer way easier.
00:34:25.000 And that was kind of a problem before.
00:34:27.000 I needed Maker's Mark to get a buzz. 0.99
00:34:31.000 So Simon goes, uh, what the fuck? 0.99
00:34:33.000 You have two guys show up? 0.99
00:34:35.000 That's not a fair fight.
00:34:36.000 And I go, it is a fair fight.
00:34:37.000 It's going to be just you and me one-on-one, unless of course I'm losing.
00:34:40.000 And then other people are going to jump in.
00:34:42.000 That was kind of a joke. 1.00
00:34:45.000 And Shane, Shane decides, fuck it. 1.00
00:34:47.000 I'll handle it. 1.00
00:34:49.000 What?
00:34:50.000 So Shane opens the door.
00:34:52.000 I guess because Simon's big and Shane's big, he thought, don't let little pipsqueak Gav handle this.
00:34:57.000 So both of them go, and plus he was drunk and probably feeling arrogant.
00:35:01.000 So they go outside and they're sort of like got their old dukes up, but the ice in the alleyway behind the Biftec is just black ice.
00:35:13.000 And the second you stand on it, you're just sort of hovering.
00:35:16.000 You can't even feel that you're standing.
00:35:18.000 You're just like floating like a ghost.
00:35:21.000 So they're standing there, just like hockey players.
00:35:24.000 Actually, exactly like hockey players.
00:35:26.000 Just slowly gliding. 1.00
00:35:27.000 It's like, come on, what are you gonna do, bitch? 1.00
00:35:29.000 You throw the first punch. 1.00
00:35:30.000 You throw the first punch.
00:35:31.000 You throw the first punch.
00:35:32.000 You know, that sort of... 0.99
00:35:34.000 When men, regardless of race, get in a confrontation, they become black. 1.00
00:35:38.000 I'm like, yo, what's up, bitch? 1.00
00:35:40.000 What you gonna do, bitch? 1.00
00:35:41.000 Throw the first punt. 1.00
00:35:42.000 So this goes back and forth and back and forth, and I'm like, what the fuck is going on here? 1.00
00:35:46.000 This is ridiculous. 0.99
00:35:47.000 I've been trying to get this settled for a week now. 0.95
00:35:50.000 And I'm not gonna watch two people yell at each other in ebonics as they drift around the ice rink like a couple of ghosts.
00:35:56.000 So I just, I go, get out.
00:35:57.000 I just sort of shoo Shane. 0.99
00:36:00.000 And I walk over to Simon and I just punch him in the face. 0.96
00:36:04.000 And then he punches me in the head.
00:36:06.000 And we're having a pretty good old-fashioned fight.
00:36:09.000 He's winning, of course.
00:36:11.000 He's much bigger than me.
00:36:13.000 And I think I get a little closer to him and...
00:36:18.000 I, uh, I wrap my arms around him.
00:36:21.000 No, we're doing that sort of boxing break thing. 0.98
00:36:25.000 And I'm trying to punch him in the ribs. 0.97
00:36:26.000 Yeah, that's it. 0.93
00:36:26.000 He puts his arms around me. 0.93
00:36:28.000 I guess to get a break.
00:36:29.000 I don't know.
00:36:30.000 I guess he's out of shape. 1.00
00:36:32.000 And so I'm trying to punch him in the ribs. 0.99
00:36:34.000 And then I just feel this intense heat. 0.98
00:36:37.000 And then pain.
00:36:39.000 And I realize he's bitten through my ear.
00:36:42.000 We're sort of like hugging like two lovers saying goodbye at the airport and he sinks his incisors into the the big sort of cartilagy part of my ear and his teeth touch.
00:36:52.000 I can like feel his teeth touching.
00:36:54.000 He went through my ear and the blood just starts pouring down and I'm like what
00:37:01.000 And around this time, the police show up.
00:37:04.000 Someone must have called the cops.
00:37:08.000 Hey, what's going on?
00:37:09.000 What are you doing?
00:37:13.000 And a female cop comes out, and she goes, What's going on?
00:37:18.000 And I say, Oh, we're having a fight.
00:37:20.000 And she goes, Oh, you're hanglish.
00:37:23.000 They can't do H and E. They think every vowel word starts with an H, and every H word starts with a vowel. 0.78
00:37:30.000 So you are hinglish and a guy with hairy legs has airy legs, lo.
00:37:36.000 Robbie Dylan used to do a joke. 0.93
00:37:38.000 He'd say, this is a French-Canadian complimenting you, your hair.
00:37:42.000 He goes, hey, I like the way that your air moves around in the hair.
00:37:47.000 Anyway, she goes, oh, you're hinglish.
00:37:49.000 Lo, hey, what is going on, lo? 1.00
00:37:53.000 Fucking French people in Quebec, they live in an English continent and they can't, none of them can speak English for shit. 1.00
00:38:02.000 Lots of English, most English, all English who live there can speak French. 1.00
00:38:06.000 There's like Norm Macdonald types who live in Quebec and can't speak French. 0.84
00:38:10.000 Very, very fucking rare. 0.58
00:38:12.000 Because there's about seven jobs where you don't have to be bilingual. 0.96
00:38:15.000 But bilingual to a Frenchman is just like, hey, I am the speaking the hanglish, and I like to play the sport.
00:38:27.000 It's murder on your ears.
00:38:28.000 I mean, their accent is already annoying, even in their mother tongue. 0.99
00:38:32.000 But when they speak English, I mean, you better have some fucking always with wings ready below your earlobes to absorb the black blood that comes shooting out. 1.00
00:38:41.000 Anyway, she goes, what's going home here? 0.99
00:38:44.000 And I go, oh, Simon slapped me in the face last week, so I've been coming here every night to try to punch him.
00:38:49.000 And eventually, you know, halfway through the fight, he bit my ear.
00:38:55.000 And she goes, OK, are you kidding?
00:38:59.000 And I said, no, I had to retain my honor.
00:39:02.000 And she goes, oh, that's very old fashioned.
00:39:05.000 That's like, you know, the I challenge you to a duel.
00:39:12.000 I said, I appreciate what you're saying, but your English is torture, and I can't sit here and hear you massacre the English language.
00:39:19.000 No, I didn't say that.
00:39:20.000 I said, so do you want to press charges?
00:39:23.000 And I said, no fatso. 0.92
00:39:26.000 And then I just walked away.
00:39:28.000 You know, I don't want to press charges.
00:39:29.000 He doesn't want to press charges.
00:39:30.000 That's it.
00:39:30.000 Didn't turn out great, but at least...
00:39:33.000 The history books say man-slapped, retaliated.
00:39:36.000 That's all it has to be.
00:39:37.000 That's all you need.
00:39:38.000 Or else it's just man-slapped, ran away.
00:39:40.000 You can't have that.
00:39:42.000 And speaking of having that, I go, wait a minute, this is human saliva inside my body.
00:39:48.000 I mean, this is gonna get infected.
00:39:50.000 And we're right next to the hospital.
00:39:51.000 The BifTech is like a hundred feet from probably the oldest hospital in all of Canada.
00:39:56.000 I mean, it's like 400 years old, this place.
00:39:58.000 Queen Victoria, I think it's called.
00:40:00.000 We're good to go.
00:40:17.000 That's how it'll eventually play out.
00:40:19.000 And by the way, folks, every article you read in the newspaper is lies.
00:40:24.000 Every rumor you hear is lies, lies, lies.
00:40:26.000 And the evidence of that is, take a time, I've said this before, take an event or take an article where they're writing about your hometown or something you know or your best friend or someone you know is going to jail, and look at the reporting on your friend's case, and then remember what actually happened.
00:40:43.000 And you'll be stunned.
00:40:44.000 It's usually the opposite.
00:40:47.000 Of course.
00:41:06.000 Because, for example, the guy didn't go to beat up a guy and ended up in the hospital.
00:41:10.000 The guy wanted to make sure he didn't have an infection in the open wound in his ear.
00:41:14.000 But Shane was right and I took his advice and I just went home and put a big band-aid on my ear and bled all over my pillow and all over my sheets and went to a doctor the next day.
00:41:26.000 That's totally different.
00:41:27.000 That's dude got in a fight and then later had to deal with an infection.
00:41:32.000 That's fine.
00:41:34.000 So,
00:41:36.000 The story's not over yet, folks.
00:41:39.000 So I go down to... There was this... Free healthcare in Canada, right?
00:41:44.000 But for some reason we all went to this clinic in the French gay part of town called Clinique Alternatif.
00:41:50.000 I went there for all my STDs. 0.99
00:41:52.000 Chlamydia, gonorrhea, so many venereal warts I had blasted off my dick. 0.99
00:41:56.000 I was on a first-name basis with the doctor who had the liquid nitrogen. 0.99
00:41:59.000 That's how they used to treat HPV back then.
00:42:01.000 They'd blast you with liquid nitrogen.
00:42:04.000 Very, very painful.
00:42:07.000 I guess, I think we all went there because we considered ourselves alternative and the clinic had the word alternative in the title.
00:42:13.000 I think that's the only reason. 0.89
00:42:14.000 How retarded is that? 1.00
00:42:16.000 And it's dumb to go to a gay clinic or a clinic in a gay part of town because there's always some poor bastard crying on the couch because he just found out he has fucking AIDS. 1.00
00:42:24.000 Anne, there's AIDS there! 1.00
00:42:25.000 What am I thinking?
00:42:27.000 What clinic has the most AIDS in town?
00:42:29.000 Oh, I know.
00:42:30.000 Clinique Alternatif.
00:42:31.000 Why don't I go there and not wash my hands?
00:42:36.000 So I go there, and uh... I'm about 20... 1996?
00:42:42.000 I'm 26 around this time.
00:42:49.000 And, uh, go there and I explain what happened again, just like I explained to the cop.
00:42:54.000 We get in there to some doctor and I say, yeah, I had to retain my honour and at least get something on the books.
00:43:02.000 The book's not really literally existing, but you know what I mean.
00:43:04.000 The book's in your head, basically.
00:43:07.000 And, um, I explain the whole thing and he says exactly what the cop said.
00:43:12.000 Maybe because both these people are older, right?
00:43:14.000 And they appreciate that.
00:43:15.000 Maybe they sensed that there was a pussification of youth going on and they appreciated that someone was willing to fight not just because someone farted or spilled their beer.
00:43:23.000 They had like a premeditated brawl.
00:43:26.000 So he said, that's very chivalrous, very old-fashioned, exactly like the cop.
00:43:30.000 In fact, it's possible I'm conflating the two and they didn't both say the same thing.
00:43:34.000 You always should be dubious of your own memories, speaking of fake news.
00:43:38.000 So, he sits me down, my ears all swollen and stuff, but I don't think it was infected as of yet. 0.99
00:43:45.000 And one thing I've learned about being a drunk idiot who's always getting banged up, 0.99
00:43:49.000 You really just gotta wash a cut. 1.00
00:43:51.000 Here's the deal.
00:43:52.000 I'm gonna become a doctor without any training.
00:43:54.000 I'm gonna open a clinic.
00:43:55.000 Here's the deal.
00:43:56.000 If you have a big, huge cut, you should get stitches unless you want there to be a big mark.
00:44:01.000 And if you don't care about the big mark, like it's on your leg or your butt or something, and it's not on your face, then don't bother with stitches.
00:44:07.000 In fact, I've used Krazy Glue and duct tape on a lot of knuckle things, and I have a scar on my knuckle that looks as good as I stitched it up.
00:44:16.000 As if I stitched it up.
00:44:17.000 And it was just Krazy Glue and duct tape.
00:44:20.000 You can do a lot of home surgery.
00:44:22.000 The only thing you have to know is wash it with soap and water three times a day.
00:44:27.000 Any cut you get, especially if you got it like in a quarry or something gross, just keep washing it with soap and water.
00:44:32.000 Not rubbing alcohol.
00:44:34.000 That destroys the cells that are trying to rebuild.
00:44:36.000 Just soap and water, soap and water, soap and water.
00:44:39.000 And stitches are really just aesthetic.
00:44:41.000 You don't really need it.
00:44:42.000 Your body will fix any hole.
00:44:45.000 But if you don't want a giant caterpillar different thing that can't grow hairs on your body, then get it stitched up.
00:44:50.000 But you're vain if you do, by the way.
00:44:52.000 So I go there and he asks me if I want stitches.
00:44:55.000 I say, don't worry about it.
00:44:57.000 And he says, I think this is fine.
00:44:58.000 I think we just got to wash it and it'll heal itself.
00:45:03.000 Maybe I did get a stitch?
00:45:04.000 I can't remember.
00:45:05.000 Anyway, so he washes it up, and he's looking at it, and he's talking, and he's a very chatty guy, older guy, bald, probably like 65 years old, and he kind of looked like the pork and cheese who jumped over the bar, but much taller.
00:45:20.000 You know, that typical old bald guy look.
00:45:23.000 Glasses.
00:45:24.000 And, uh, he says he's from Argentina.
00:45:27.000 And, uh, I'm sort of running the numbers.
00:45:30.000 And I was reading about Shea Guevara at the time. 1.00
00:45:33.000 And, um, this is before I realized Shea Guevara is a fucking asshole who enjoyed murdering gays for sport and shot 3,000 people in the back of the head and loved every minute of it. 1.00
00:45:44.000 Love assassinating people. 1.00
00:45:45.000 I love that we're so scared of someone who might be racist or homophobic or sexist. 0.99
00:45:50.000 Yet we all wear Che Guevara t-shirts who assassinated people and loved it and hated gays and hated blacks. 1.00
00:45:58.000 He thought blacks were human garbage inferior to whites. 1.00
00:46:02.000 But he's sexy, and he's not totally white, so let's put him on a fucking shirt. 1.00
00:46:08.000 Let's not put Norman Borlaug on a shirt, who saved two billion lives with his genetically modified corn. 1.00
00:46:15.000 He's ugly and white and bald. 0.99
00:46:16.000 No, no, no. 1.00
00:46:17.000 I want the sexy guy in the fucking beret. 1.00
00:46:21.000 Especially British fucking white people. 1.00
00:46:24.000 They love him so much. 0.99
00:46:26.000 British socialists, which is all British people, basically, that are middle class and up.
00:46:30.000 Not working class people, obviously.
00:46:33.000 Few things are more irritating than a British person who works in media, who is middle-class, and loves Che Guevara.
00:46:41.000 They fetishize him so much, it really makes you want to puke.
00:46:44.000 And they know better.
00:46:46.000 They've read the book.
00:46:47.000 Che, I believe it's called.
00:46:49.000 So anyway, he's talking to me, and I say, uh, wait a minute... So you would have been a young man.
00:46:58.000 You're the same age as Che Guevara.
00:47:00.000 And if you're in Argentina, wouldn't you know him?
00:47:03.000 And he goes, yeah, I knew Shea and Fidel.
00:47:08.000 And he goes, I remember we were in med school and we were doing our, uh, whatever, our internships in, uh, wherever Fidel was planning to attack Cuba from.
00:47:19.000 I can't remember if it was in Argentina or somewhere else.
00:47:23.000 Now, by the way, in retrospect, I'm looking back and it's conceivable that this guy was lying.
00:47:29.000 This is what I'm doing in my old age. 0.99
00:47:31.000 Honestly, in the past three years, I've been going back over some of my favorite stories and 9-11 and all this other stuff, and I'm thinking, of course, the guy could have been completely full of shit, and I've just taken the story for granted. 0.86
00:47:44.000 Maybe the whole era of fake news has made me sort of recalibrate everything I've taken for granted as a fact. 0.93
00:47:50.000 But anyway.
00:47:53.000 It did sound very believable.
00:47:54.000 And the guy didn't seem like a liar.
00:47:55.000 Like, this is not a guy in a leather jacket at a bar.
00:47:58.000 This is a guy washing my ear bite.
00:48:01.000 And I'm never gonna see him again until I die.
00:48:03.000 So, like, what's he trying to do?
00:48:05.000 Get in my pants? 0.95
00:48:06.000 I don't think he was lying.
00:48:07.000 But he told me that whatever country... I guess I'll look it up here.
00:48:11.000 Because it must have been just across the water from Cuba, right?
00:48:16.000 And that's where he was doing his, uh... What do you call that?
00:48:20.000 Your residency?
00:48:22.000 Should people, should women be doctors? 1.00
00:48:24.000 Is there, are they really helping people?
00:48:26.000 I mean, is it really better than shaping life?
00:48:29.000 Yeah, I helped stitch up a guy's ear bite today.
00:48:31.000 Yeah, you could have been making a life.
00:48:34.000 Okay, so it wouldn't be Dominican Republic.
00:48:36.000 It wouldn't be Venezuela, Colombia, Panama, Costa Rica.
00:48:40.000 Where the hell was he sailing from?
00:48:43.000 Am I discovering a hole in the plot?
00:48:45.000 It wouldn't be Argentina, right?
00:48:48.000 Where is, Argentina's at the bottom.
00:48:50.000 No, that can't be it.
00:48:51.000 So I guess he was maybe doing his residency in Venezuela?
00:48:58.000 Dominican Republic, maybe? 0.99
00:49:00.000 One of those shithole countries. 0.99
00:49:04.000 And he said Fidel would... 0.94
00:49:07.000 Would, uh, knew Shea, and Shea was also... No, Shea wasn't in medical school with them.
00:49:13.000 But they knew Fidel, not Shea.
00:49:14.000 That's it, that's it, that's it.
00:49:15.000 So the doctor knew Fidel.
00:49:17.000 And I guess, I don't know if Fidel was going to med school, or he was just, they're probably, you know, all living in Venezuela, and they're probably rich, you know, relatively rich.
00:49:25.000 Richer than the locals, so they probably all congregated.
00:49:27.000 So Fidel was a middle class kid, you know, compared to the other Venezuelans. 0.67
00:49:32.000 And don't take Venezuela for granted, I don't know what country it was.
00:49:35.000 Maybe even Costa Rica.
00:49:37.000 And he said the other doctors would laugh at Fidel because he said, I'm going to take over Cuba.
00:49:42.000 I'm going to invade Cuba with my socialist revolutionaries.
00:49:46.000 And they all laughed at him.
00:49:48.000 And then he said, oh yeah?
00:49:49.000 Come see the boat I'm going to use.
00:49:52.000 And so they do.
00:49:53.000 They're curious.
00:49:54.000 They're bored.
00:49:55.000 They're 22-year-olds, about my age, during the ear bite.
00:50:02.000 They go and see the boat, and uproarious laughter ensues.
00:50:06.000 I've since looked it up. 0.99
00:50:07.000 It's in some sort of museum in Cuba, and it is a piece-of-shit tugboat. 0.99
00:50:12.000 It looks like a... What's that fishing boat called? 0.99
00:50:16.000 A Gary or something?
00:50:17.000 It's just a... You can find it online, the boat that invaded Cuba.
00:50:22.000 And it is stunning when you see it.
00:50:25.000 It's called the Grandma. 1.00
00:50:28.000 And it is just a piece of junk. 0.99
00:50:31.000 It's just a little tiny crappy boat. 0.99
00:50:38.000 Anyway, they see that boat, they laugh their heads off, and he's the laughingstock, and Fidel's a loser, and they're all doctors, and they're going on to better things, and Fidel will be a nobody. 0.98
00:50:47.000 So he ends up taking that stupid tugboat, and he does invade Cuba, and he is successful, and he wins. 1.00
00:50:54.000 And he becomes a socialist revolutionary who rescues the country from wealth and capitalism and gifts them the miserable lives of starvation and destitution and a total lack of free speech and governmental tyranny and all the wonderful things that Cuba brings and just a general climate of malaise. 0.97
00:51:14.000 I've been to Cuba many times.
00:51:15.000 It is not a happy place. 1.00
00:51:16.000 People there are fucking miserable and they want to get out badly. 1.00
00:51:20.000 There's no freedom. 1.00
00:51:21.000 And by the way, they fucking hate Che Guevara in Cuba. 0.99
00:51:24.000 You don't see Cubans wearing Che Guevara shirts. 0.99
00:51:27.000 They're not jazzed about old Che.
00:51:28.000 They don't find him quite as sexy as upper-middle-class Brits do.
00:51:33.000 Boy, I got a little real vitriolic there, huh?
00:51:36.000 I got a little pissed off.
00:51:39.000 So then, the story's still not over.
00:51:42.000 This is all from a slap in the face, by the way.
00:51:44.000 For having a cell phone, basically.
00:51:48.000 He said, Fidel kept inviting them all those doctors after he dominated the country.
00:51:52.000 So now we're like five years later.
00:51:54.000 He kept inviting the doctors over to Cuba for dinner and included the guy washing my ear and a few others who were in med school at the time.
00:52:03.000 And he would just have these opulent feasts with his servants running around and doing things.
00:52:09.000 And it was his way of rubbing their nose in it, which by the way, I'm not a fan of Fidel or socialism, but I admire that.
00:52:15.000 That's kind of cool.
00:52:17.000 Get your revenge.
00:52:18.000 You know, revenge is sweet.
00:52:19.000 They say the best revenge is to live well.
00:52:21.000 That's the second best revenge. 1.00
00:52:23.000 The best revenge is to rub your enemy's nose in the shit. 1.00
00:52:27.000 That's really much more pleasant. 1.00
00:52:29.000 And that's what Fidel would do.
00:52:31.000 And they didn't mind.
00:52:33.000 I guess they happily ate crow.
00:52:34.000 That's what an adult would do, by the way.
00:52:36.000 If I was one of those guys, I would go, gotta hand it to you, Fidel. 1.00
00:52:39.000 I thought you were full of shit, and you were not. 1.00
00:52:42.000 You used that stupid tugboat to come over here, you and your sexy friend Shay, and you guys took over a fucking country. 1.00
00:52:50.000 Now, you're ruining it, but then that's immoral, but that's a different topic. 1.00
00:52:55.000 As far as me laughing at you, I officially apologize, Fidel. 0.96
00:53:00.000 And he never did that, by the way, the doctor. 0.58
00:53:01.000 He just thought the whole thing was a ridiculous circus, a funny clown show.
00:53:06.000 And he was one of these sort of along for the ride type of guys that wasn't really political. 0.79
00:53:10.000 He just thought, this is a great story.
00:53:14.000 It's still not over.
00:53:15.000 And then he said years later, Shea was visiting.
00:53:20.000 Shea Guevara was visiting his hospital, which I assume now is back in Argentina.
00:53:26.000 And he said in advance, apparently Che was an incompetent doctor.
00:53:30.000 Was Che Guevara a doctor at all?
00:53:35.000 Doctor.
00:53:36.000 I think he was.
00:53:39.000 He was a Marxist revolutionary physician.
00:53:44.000 We are going to liberate your leg from your body and stop the tyrannical cancer cells from metastasizing.
00:53:52.000 Viva la revolution, chap!
00:53:57.000 Che Guevara came to his hospital, where he worked as a real doctor now.
00:54:01.000 And apparently in advance, the head chief of staff, or whatever you call him, went over and said, look, this guy Che is going to be coming here.
00:54:10.000 He's from Cuba.
00:54:11.000 It's very important for diplomatic relations.
00:54:14.000 So he's going to suggest stuff. 0.99
00:54:17.000 And it's probably going to be total and utter bullshit. 0.99
00:54:19.000 He'll look at a bunch of charts and tell you what to do. 1.00
00:54:22.000 Just smile and nod.
00:54:24.000 And don't do what he says.
00:54:27.000 And we'll be on our way.
00:54:28.000 So then Shay shows up, and he's got his little lab coat on, and he starts looking at charts, and this person's gonna need a suppository made of diamonds, and this person's gonna need a new hat, and all these toes gotta go.
00:54:41.000 These are all gangrenous.
00:54:42.000 This has gotta go. 0.99
00:54:43.000 And this girl needs a sex change. 1.00
00:54:45.000 Stat! 1.00
00:54:46.000 Get that woman a penis now. 1.00
00:54:48.000 Sort of like social justice warrior medical science today. 1.00
00:54:53.000 And uh, I'm still, like my ear was clean about an hour ago and he's got patients lined up out the wazoo outside and I'm just sitting on his fucking little wrinkly wax paper shooting the shit with this dude. 0.99
00:55:05.000 I wish he had beers. 0.99
00:55:08.000 I turned into a real hoser there. 0.99
00:55:09.000 Wish he had fuckin' beers, eh? 0.99
00:55:11.000 I'm talkin' to this guy! 0.98
00:55:12.000 He's fuckin' chillin' out with Shea Guevara back in Argentina, eh? 1.00
00:55:15.000 Fuckin' givin' him a breathalyzer for his fuckin', uh, an inhaler for his asthma there, fuck. 1.00
00:55:21.000 And, uh, fuckin', he used to laugh at Fidel, and then who's got the last laugh now, eh? 1.00
00:55:26.000 Fuckin' takin' him out to dinner, fuckin', here's some fuckin', uh, Cuban lobsters, have some of this sweet sugar cane, guy. 1.00
00:55:34.000 Shit guess I was wrong about you Fidel. 1.00
00:55:36.000 I should have called you a tyrant that would have been a little more prophetic a little less pathetic so That was the end of the year I went back to my home with a wonderful story and When I look back on the whole thing I think Thank God Simon slapped me in the face. 0.99
00:55:55.000 I 0.94
00:55:56.000 What a wonderful experience that whole thing was from top to bottom. 1.00
00:56:00.000 Even the fat ugly chick telling me that Simon could kick my ass and that feeling like a betrayal. 1.00
00:56:05.000 That was interesting. 1.00
00:56:06.000 I learned stuff there about people and backstabbers and who you can trust and who your real friends are and all that stuff.
00:56:14.000 The whole thing was a fascinating story and I'm really glad I met that dude who allegedly knows Fidel Castro and Che Guevara.
00:56:21.000 That was a fascinating story too.
00:56:24.000 So, the moral of this podcast is, say yes.
00:56:28.000 Go do it.
00:56:30.000 As Mike Skinner says, I'll go out without a blink.
00:56:34.000 Out without a blink.
00:56:35.000 I'll go downtown and start shouting and shout over a drink.
00:56:38.000 I forget the name of that particular song, but he's got a song about how when people call him for a pint, or at least back then, he would just say, yes!
00:56:46.000 I know I'm tired, I don't feel like going out. 1.00
00:56:47.000 Go out, fuck. 1.00
00:56:49.000 Just do it. 1.00
00:56:51.000 I just made up that slogan.
00:56:53.000 That's my new slogan.
00:56:54.000 I think I invented it.
00:56:54.000 It's called, Just Do It.
00:56:57.000 And I'm going to start by advocating Colin Kaepernick, shit on cops. 0.99
00:57:02.000 I think that's a good beginning to my new life philosophy. 1.00
00:57:05.000 Say yes to everything and all cops are bastards. 1.00
00:57:08.000 Just kidding, I love cops. 1.00
00:57:09.000 Please go to CRTV.com.
00:57:12.000 And check out my shows, get off my lawn. 0.71
00:57:15.000 There's a new pattern forming where Monday to Thursday it's the in-studio, it's the Rockefeller studio where we talk about, we Skype guests in and shit like that. 0.67
00:57:24.000 Look at, laugh at funny videos.
00:57:26.000 Then the next week that only has two episodes, it's more of a sit-down session where we use a different room and we talk to someone one-on-one.
00:57:33.000 No more than two guests and no news stories.
00:57:36.000 We just sort of sit and chat like a mini Joe Rogan thing.
00:57:39.000 And then that same week, of course, we have CRTV Tonight, which will be a week from today.
00:57:45.000 And I think the takeaway from all of those announcements and the podcast is that I like you more than a friend!
00:57:53.000 It's hard to imagine, but right here in our community, there are families living out of their cars, parents skipping meals so their kids will have enough to eat, and folks who can't afford electricity.
00:58:03.000 But you can help them win these battles against poverty by giving to The Salvation Army, where your donations give struggling families the support they need to stay afloat.
00:58:13.000 Want to join this fight for good?
00:58:14.000 Please visit SalvationArmy.ListenAndGive.org to make a donation.
00:58:20.000 That's SalvationArmy.ListenAndGive.org