On this episode of Thick & Thin I talk about how to lose weight on a diet, and why cows have really bad tits. I also talk about my new theory on how you can lose weight without going on diets, and how to get rid of your fat belly. I also get into a debate about whether or not cows have good or bad tits, and if a horse could have nice tits, would they be better than a cow with big dicks? Also, I talk a little bit about a new invention I'm working on and how it could change the way we live in the future, but I don't think it's going to be as cool as we all think it is. Enjoy the episode, and don't forget to subscribe on your favorite streaming platform so you never miss an episode. I'll see you next Monday for another new episode! -Jon Sorrentino and is a stand-up comedian, comedian, writer, and podcaster based in Los Angeles, California. He's been in the business for over 20 years and is a regular contributor to the Los Angeles Daily News and has been featured in the Hollywood Reporter, the Hollywood Life, the New York Times, and the New Yorker, and many other publications. The New York Post, and is one of the funniest people in LA, and one of my favorite comedians in the world. Jon talks about his love life, and he's a lot of other stuff. . Jon is a lot, but he's also talks about everything else. and a lot more. ...and he's not much else, so you should listen to Jon's music too. And he's very funny, too! Jon also likes to drink beer and talk about it. He's a good one too. I hope you enjoy this episode, so don't be offended by it so you do too, Jon also does not be offended if he doesn't like it like he does it like that's not funny, but it's not too funny, you know what he does that's funny, right? Jon's not kidding around like that, you're not going to judge him like that. If you like it that's cool, then you'll like it, you should do it like you do that, he's cool like that? I'm not joking, right?? Jon says he does not have a problem with it?
Transcript
Transcripts from "Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes" are sourced from the Knowledge Fight Interactive Search Tool. You can also explore and interact with the transcripts here.
00:01:37.000Uh, and I bet you would lose weight that way too.
00:01:41.000You're just conscious of what you're eating as opposed to just stuffing your face whenever you want, which is why you put on weight when you go, um, when you go on vacation.
00:01:49.000Cause you're just stuffing your face whenever you can.
00:01:54.000And you're with kids that don't eat and you're eating their stupid fries that they ordered, even though they don't want them.
00:02:46.000I'm just farting out of my butt right now.
00:02:49.000If you have any kind of diet, anything, like the letter B, or the meat diet, or an all-carb diet, or you're a vegan, or anything, and you work out twice a week, you're good.
00:03:05.000Now, a boxing workout is an hour and 20 minutes, but you could probably just fucking jog around the block a few times.
00:03:12.000Probably, you could do as little as 20 minutes, I bet.
00:03:15.000Isn't it weird how we have all these exercise bikes and rowing machines and I go to a room and punch a bag all trying to simulate a normal human lifestyle.
00:03:27.000Like there's someone right now on a stair machine and then there's someone else on an exercise bicycle.
00:03:41.000Why don't you get out there and lift some actual things?
00:03:45.000They got their bales of hay and they're fucking yanking on a cow's tit.
00:03:54.000Cows have shitty tits, don't you think?
00:03:57.000If I was to get fake tits, the last tit I'd want is one where my bag is.
00:04:04.000I wonder if bulls sort of are bummed that cows have such shitty tits.
00:04:09.000Because I bet you if you had two nice tits on a cow that were up by her front legs and didn't have all those nipples on them, just one nipple per tit, I'll bet you anything a bull, even though it's against his nature, would go, uh, I kind of like those better.
00:04:28.000I like that better than the scrotum tit with the big long dicks on it.
00:04:39.000Like, do you think a horse, if a horse saw another horse, and that horse was a female horse, but we also gave her long blonde hair, and knee-high socks, and little tiny high-heeled shoes.
00:04:53.000Do you think that that horse would be like, I don't know what it is, but that horse is hotter than the other horses.
00:05:02.000How come we've never done that experiment?
00:06:08.000Actually, the reason we like lipstick is because women's lips become fuller and more flushed during intercourse and redder because there's more blood in them.
00:06:18.000So they're simulating a sexually, uh, uh, uh, what's the word?
00:07:10.000If I was a monkey, I'd be bummed that I had to have sex with monkeys.
00:07:15.000I would say, if I got like a serious monkey girlfriend, I'd go, this is gonna sound kind of sick, but could you nair your entire body and put on this wig?
00:09:34.000It's like when people with sharks, when a shark washes up on land.
00:09:38.000Everyone can't wait to splash water on it and all get together with some sort of towel and get him back into the water where he can eat our kids.
00:09:48.000Take a fucking knife, put it on the top of his head where I assume his brain is, and sink it down.
00:10:53.000God had a special slime, splooge, sort of like the Ninja Turtle slime, right?
00:11:02.000And it made Ninja Turtles, which are cool, those are humans.
00:11:06.000Splinter and the Ninja Turtles are humans.
00:11:08.000But it also made a lot of crap, like Bebop and Rocksteady.
00:11:14.000So the slime was made for humans, but it's not- it's- it's so magical that it gets on other stuff and makes other things, so you can go off on tangents.
00:12:06.000You finally die, you sink down like five miles to the land God forgot, and then you have all those things that are blind, that live in the darkness, that are, you know, transparent, and they eat on your rotting corpse.
00:15:16.000The Ice Age, where the mammals had to go underground.
00:15:20.000So we all took a time out, we went underground, we became like little prairie dogs and rats and moles and stuff and lived down there while the top of the earth was just frozen solid and all the dinosaurs died.
00:15:32.000Then it thawed out and we came out and then we continued evolution and then we eventually became primates and then went the route of the human being and now we're human beings.
00:15:42.000So I kind of feel a kinship when I see little mice and stuff, even though their life sucks, and I go, thanks guys.
00:15:47.000But when I see birds, I know they derived from dinosaurs, and I think, fuck you.
00:15:52.000And they are as evil as dinosaurs, like these birds.
00:18:06.000Yeah, cats kill birds and birds, but as far as... I was saying whales just sit around eating fucking garbage and then shitting it out and dying.
00:18:23.000I saw some in Ottawa, Canada, and there was a hill there, and they were... This was in the suburbs, just sort of on the edge of the suburbs, where the suburbs became country, farmland.
00:19:08.000They're declaring this zone is their zone.
00:19:12.000They're also, you know, courting and I'm ready to fuck.
00:19:15.000If anyone's interested, I'm over here.
00:19:18.000But there are calls where they check all the boxes and they go, there's no other reason for this bird doing a call right now other than singing.
00:21:34.000When you see a Chihuahua, God made a wolf and we made a Chihuahua.
00:21:38.000Like, they talk about Christians not wanting the things from abortions, those embryo cells, whatever, to use in scientific experiments because it's messing with God and it's immoral and all that stuff.
00:26:43.000I couldn't have been farther away from civilization and there was two guys just, what's up buddy?
00:26:50.000And I realized, oh it's one of those fishing lakes where the, they fly you in on a plane and then you stay at some cabin and then they pick you up five days later and you can't leave.
00:27:35.000I'm trying not to exaggerate, but I think my head was below his head.
00:27:42.000Which means his legs were about five feet long.
00:27:47.000And then his body, another fucking five feet.
00:27:50.000And his head, it looks like a weird, sad rat possum.
00:27:57.000With these bizarre nostrils hanging down sort of like the Joe Camel guy if he was melting.
00:28:03.000And the eyes, you can't even really find them.
00:28:05.000So it's just a giant rat nose that is as big as a hockey bag.
00:28:12.000So it's a hockey bag drooping rat nose on stilts with a body that looks like a year's supply of beef.
00:28:19.000And I just, for at least four seconds, I had no idea what I was looking at and I could seriously consider the possibility that I was looking at an alien and God doesn't exist and he chose this guy over me and humanity is not the perfect structure.
00:28:34.000We're just splooge like bebop and rocksteady.
00:28:43.000You know, you'd also see a lot of them tree planting just going,
00:28:48.000Having panic attacks, speaking of shitty lives, having meltdowns from the black flies.
00:28:54.000Now the way we deal with black flies is there's so many you can't even put on bug dope, so when it gets too hot to wear full body underwear, Long John's, you coat yourself in Mazzola oil.
00:29:06.000Yes, the same stuff from your kitchen.
00:29:25.000And by the time you're done, or even not by the time you're done, two hours in, you look like you're wearing full body fishnets.
00:29:32.000Until you get up really close to someone, they look like they're wearing like those raver mesh shirts.
00:29:38.000You know, like the guy on SNL who, Bill Hader, when he talks about he's the raver gay guy and talks about all the hot clubs and he has that mesh shirt on that you can sort of see through.
00:29:47.000That's what your whole body looks like and your face.
00:29:49.000They bite your anal lips when you take a shit.
00:29:52.000So you assume other animals aren't going through that.
00:29:57.000They have the same black flies on them.
00:29:59.000Black flies were around before tree planters.
00:30:04.000Um, anyone who's read my book, of course, is thinking of Dr. John right now.
00:30:10.000He was a fellow tree planter who was an MIT professor who lost his mind completely and came to tree plant.
00:30:16.000Genius guy who could tell you anything you want to know about the universe, physics,
00:30:22.000Everything about, he could tell you how that paper, the book in your hand was made, what the printing press, how that works, how they make pulp, how they bind books, like just your fingernails.
00:33:45.000Like, I know God isn't human, but as far as gestures go, it's better than, like, a giant fire or even fireworks.
00:33:53.000Fireworks, if I was God, I'd look down and go, congratulations, you fucking, you lit a bunch of different colored powder on fire and it popped.
00:34:24.000You know, I was looking up the origin of numerals, and I think ours are anti-Semitic.
00:34:33.000I think the letter R was based on a Jewish profile.
00:34:37.000I know I sound anti-Semitic right now, but I'm pretty sure that's what it said, because they based all of these original numerals on various shapes, and I think they based R on a profile, and I believe the gentleman was of the Semitic persuasion.
00:38:55.000Like, if you were a judge at a diving contest and you smoked a gram before you judged it, we'd say, well, this judge can't judge the swimming contest.
00:39:35.000I understand that it saved their lives, and that's actually what inspired me to try it.
00:39:39.000Also, my buddy, the same guy, by the way, who ran the tree planting company, where the dude said, uh, is everybody on this planet a tree planter?
00:39:47.000He sold me on it, too, explaining that we haven't really been eating bread for very long, when you look at the evolution of man.
00:39:53.000And I get how your body just assumes you're the most kick-ass hunter in town, and you destroyed yet another woolly mammoth.
00:40:02.000I'm gonna release some endorphins on this dude.
00:40:04.000And you do- I did definitely- I have been losing weight.
00:40:07.000I've been on it for two weeks, and I- my stomach definitely feels more taut.
00:40:12.000Now, in full disclosure, I have not stopped drinking beer.
00:40:16.000And everyone says, well, you're not doing the meat diet then.
00:40:26.000It's not, it's just a little can with some, that's 98% water with some, my, my neighbor who used to work for Bud told me it's not actually made from barley and oats or whatever.
00:40:50.00090% of what I've been eating during this meat diet is meat and cheese and all that stuff.
00:40:55.000And I don't really know if I feel any better.
00:40:58.000I think, my guess is the fact that I go to the gym dwarfs any other diet, habit, booze, anything.
00:41:07.000I would argue that going to the gym, even just twice a week, totally eradicates everything else you do.
00:41:14.000I just made up made up that stat right now, but I'm usually good with these hunches.
00:41:19.000And I think you can have any kind of diet, you can pretty much drink as much as you want.
00:41:23.000Because the thing about boozing is, if you're a brutal alcoholic, you can't go to the gym the next day, you'll barf your guts out.
00:41:29.000So by me making you go at least two or three times a week, prevents you from getting blind drunk the night before.
00:41:37.000I've done, I've gone boxing after a night out on the town and it, it's just a barf festival.
00:41:44.000Like you have to, you have to stop and go barf several times, which sucks when you have gloves on because you lift up the lid and you barf and you have to try to hit that flushing thing with your big giant claw, your big giant everlast paw.
00:42:06.000Get Off My Lawn, CRTV Tonight, After Hours, all three shows are on CRTV.com.
00:42:14.000There's also plenty of other shows there that I can barely take a crack at.
00:42:30.000You know how you listen to my show, I'll go off at a tangent with Ryan Katsu Rivera and we'll talk about like, I don't know, the shape of a Leatherman or something.
00:42:39.000It's just a silly tangent or about imitations or Tony Soprano or something.
00:42:53.000Remember when you were a kid, when you were like 21, and you'd talk to your dad, and he'd tell you about politics, and he'd say something that you never thought of, like, the Civil War was just the North wanting to push the South around.
00:43:47.000Obviously you have to go and get permission from each person who sent you the letter.
00:43:51.000And I'm sure a hundred percent of them are going to give it to him.
00:43:54.000And obviously you call the herd and you have different, it's organized into sections.
00:43:58.000I'm sure you got some hate mail that can be at the back and you have the, the sort of mums section who say, I have three kids and you're the only one fighting for the kids.
00:44:05.000And you have the yabo section with the soccer hooligans going, Oh, what lads?
00:44:10.000Then you have the serious sort of, you know, Ezra Levant ones where they're talking about litigation and human rights and stuff like that.
00:44:57.000Ten weeks in a cage for contempt of court.
00:44:59.000I mean that's precedent setting right there.
00:45:02.000I also forgot to mention, by the way, he was on about Melanie Shaw, this woman who's trying to blow the whistle on pedophile, not grooming gangs with Muslims, but politicians, rich white people.
00:45:14.000That's a much more politically correct thing for you to fight.
00:45:17.000If you're out there and you want to fight rape, but you feel like it's politically incorrect to attack Muslims, dig up the Melanie Shaw case.
00:45:23.000That's some nice rich white guys you can attack.
00:45:26.000And I'll be talking about her more in the show as I slowly try to unravel this tangle.
00:45:30.000I think she's been so abused mentally that it's hard to get the full story there.
00:45:36.000So I don't know much about Melanie Shaw, but it's worth looking into.
00:45:39.000And if you go to CRTV tonight and check out the Tommy Robinson special, I think it's the best thing I've ever done.
00:45:47.000It's definitely the best thing I've ever done for CRTV.
00:45:49.000It's a high quality interview that then leads to basically a riot where I filmed the riot
00:45:56.000And, uh, we talked before and after about the court and, uh, I get annoyed by fans.
00:47:26.000Which, when you have spaghetti arms after all those rounds, it is brutal.
00:47:32.000But I think that's a really good workout, and if you're Irish, Scotch-Irish, like myself, and you're in a constant state of rage, it really is therapeutic to punch things for a long time.
00:47:43.000Plus, when you're walking down the street, you're ready.
00:47:46.000You're ready for a fight, and so is your subconscious.
00:47:48.000Your muscle memory says, when someone attacks me, I go left, right, left, right, uppercut, step, right, right, right, fight.
00:48:01.000It's hard to imagine, but right here in our community, there are families living out of their cars, parents skipping meals so their kids will have enough to eat, and folks who can't afford electricity.
00:48:11.000But you can help them win these battles against poverty by giving to The Salvation Army, where your donations give struggling families the support they need to stay afloat.