Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - November 24, 2017


Get Off My Lawn Podcast #9 | How To Be Funny

Topics
waitress jokes say something weird right out of the gate disciplining other people's kids kids being wise beyond their years is child abuse sock fetish catcalling
Hosted by
Gavin McInnes
Mentioned
Larry David James O'Keefe Jay Jones Gabrielle Brett Ratner Nick Searcy Gavin Watson David Cross Mark Christy Bradnox Harvey Weinstein Marcia Sterner Derek Beckles Ryan McGinley Fred Armisen Eddie Murphy Ann Coulter Che Guevara Louis C.K. Dan Harmon and 60 more
Get Off My Lawn #35 | I'm With The Perv Get Off My Lawn #36 | Thanksgiving Special

Episode Stats


Length

1 hour and 8 minutes

Words per minute

173.29

Word count

11,824

Sentence count

1,077

Harmful content

Misogyny

66

sentences flagged

Toxicity

158

sentences flagged

Hate speech

63

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

Comedian Larry David joins Jemele to discuss how to be funny, his love of Louis CK, and his thoughts on masturbation. Plus, a look at what it's like to be a millennial in the 90s and what it s like to grow up in a generation where masturbation is normal, and why it s okay to masturbate in front of other people. And, of course, there's a little bit of politics at the end of the episode, but that's not really what this episode is about, is it? It's about riffing, and riffing is funny, right? And that's what we're going to talk about in this episode of Jemele's new show, . Featuring Jemele, Alex, and Alex's new music, and a special guest appearance from his daughter, Arianna, who was a guest on Jemele s show last week. Music by Zapsplat. Art: Mackenzie Moore Editor: Will Witwer Music: Hayden Coplen Editing: Jeff Perla Mixing: Haley Shaw Additional Compositions: David Crossen Logo by Ian Dorsch Theme Song: John Kimbrough Cover art by Ian Somerhalder Thank you to: and for the music used in the episode Thanks to: James Wisniewski (credited: , & , "The Good Wife - "The Best Keynote Presentation" - "Alyssa and "The Bad Girl" by is airdro by Jeff Perlan ( ) and ( ) "Thank You, My Thoughts On This Is My Name" by David Cross ( ) is a song written and produced and produced by , and "This Is My Life" by Bobby Lord ( ) by (feat. by ) and "My Dad's Song is My Life Is My Song" by "Bennie & by Kevin McLeod ( ) . ( -- and ) by "Crispy ( ) & "Bobby Lord in the song "Let's Talk About It" is a Cover Art by . . & "I Can't Stop This" by John Rocha ( ) in the video by "I'm Too Sexy" is on SoundCloud ( ) on

Transcript

Transcripts from "Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes" are sourced from the Knowledge Fight Interactive Search Tool. Explore them interactively here.
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Toxicity classifications generated with s-nlp/roberta_toxicity_classifier .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
Topics generated with Qwen2.5-3B-Instruct.
Hosts, guests, and mentioned names generated with spaCy (en_core_web_sm), reconciled against Wikidata.
00:00:00.000 You want to know how to be funny?
00:00:04.000 I think you just be honest.
00:00:07.000 You, you, or for stand-up comedy, you come up with an original observation, like, uh, why is Beyonce advertising shampoo for blondes?
00:00:20.000 That's not her hair, and she can't get it wet.
00:00:22.000 Uh, something that no one's thought of before, you know?
00:00:27.000 That's really obvious.
00:00:29.000 And then, uh, you just be honest yourself about your observations.
00:00:34.000 Really, comedy being funny is just being brutally honest and then putting a little funny bow on it.
00:00:41.000 Like, that's what Seinfeld was.
00:00:43.000 That's what Larry David is.
00:00:45.000 It's just him being brutally honest and saying, I don't like that. 1.00
00:00:47.000 I think it's stupid. 1.00
00:00:49.000 Flip-flops, I don't want to see your toes. 1.00
00:00:51.000 That's amusing to people.
00:00:54.000 Louis C.K. 0.98
00:00:56.000 is a pervert, right? 0.98
00:00:58.000 But let's not deny that he's so funny. 0.96
00:01:01.000 I can do this too.
00:01:02.000 I can separate the man and the art.
00:01:05.000 He's so funny that when I watched his last special, this is before all the masturbating stuff blew up, I felt cool because this was my generation's comedian.
00:01:17.000 So I felt like I was better than Baby Boomers because they had Richard Pryor and Bill Hicks who were also great, but ours is way better. 0.96
00:01:23.000 That's how funny he is.
00:01:24.000 He makes you feel like you're wearing a leather jacket.
00:01:31.000 Carlos Menci on the other hand, I saw him do a stand up recently and he was saying, you know, these immigrants coming here, they're doing jobs you don't want to do. 1.00
00:01:39.000 You don't want to do those jobs.
00:01:41.000 You want to wash dishes.
00:01:43.000 That's a total cliche.
00:01:45.000 That is immigration 101.
00:01:47.000 It's just a bad observation.
00:01:50.000 Sorry, I'm updating my office software on my home computer while we talk.
00:01:56.000 That's not that's not funny.
00:02:01.000 And I would say I'm pretty darn funny.
00:02:02.000 I'm actually hilarious, but I'm bogged down in politics right now.
00:02:06.000 So I want to make this particular episode just about riffing.
00:02:10.000 And I'm going to tell you like 10 or 15 jokes I've been doing for, I don't know, 1,000 years.
00:02:17.000 Exaggerating is funny too.
00:02:19.000 That I think work.
00:02:21.000 And it's a good little staple.
00:02:22.000 Say you're not a funny person.
00:02:24.000 And I think 95% of you are not funny.
00:02:31.000 I think it's genetic.
00:02:33.000 Now there's people that can be amusing.
00:02:36.000 Ann Coulter's very funny, but she's even funnier at appreciating funniness.
00:02:44.000 So I've known people that aren't funny at all, but they laugh at great jokes.
00:02:47.000 Like Chloe Sevigny, for example, just to name drop. 0.99
00:02:50.000 She's not funny, but she laughs her head off at hilarious jokes. 1.00
00:02:54.000 So there's a spectrum of appreciation there.
00:02:57.000 But as far as being able to deliver,
00:02:59.000 I don't know, man.
00:03:00.000 Some are just better at it.
00:03:03.000 And I've known a lot of comedians over the years.
00:03:05.000 I mean, that was kind of my career before I was outed as a right winger.
00:03:10.000 And I've hung out with these people.
00:03:13.000 Most of them are really good people.
00:03:16.000 You know, like Samantha Bee.
00:03:18.000 I hate her politics. 0.99
00:03:19.000 Her points make my skin crawl.
00:03:21.000 Like, she did this one thing on the Daily Show about teachers and how they're actually poor. 1.00
00:03:28.000 And we say that they get too much money and then she went to teachers' houses and they look like crap and they, you know, they didn't have a car and they were in a small apartment or something. 0.99
00:03:36.000 Yeah, because they're lazy. 0.96
00:03:38.000 You get four months off a year and 0.99
00:03:42.000 Your apartment sucks? 0.99
00:03:43.000 You could have a whole other job. 1.00
00:03:46.000 Be like a cop.
00:03:48.000 They retire and they start a bar.
00:03:51.000 But, you know, many estimates have them down to 60 bucks an hour when you factor in the actual hours worked.
00:03:57.000 I think it could be even more than that when you think of all these presentations they have.
00:04:00.000 See?
00:04:00.000 I'm getting political and that's not funny.
00:04:03.000 But, uh, so her politics make my skin crawl. 1.00
00:04:07.000 Jason Jones is kind of bad too, but I feel like, you know, after some beers he gets a little more centrist than liberal.
00:04:15.000 But those two as parents are amazing, really great, awesome parents who adore their children and do a great job of raising them and are totally monogamous and aren't perverts or any of that and aren't depressing and they're fun and interesting and engaging.
00:04:31.000 David Cross, too.
00:04:32.000 That Make America Great Again tour, I couldn't even look at it because I knew it was going to piss me off. 0.95
00:04:37.000 But he donates quietly to charities and would never cheat, would never do any of that masturbation stuff. 0.99
00:04:45.000 I remember talking to Amber Tamblyn about the Trump pussy grabbing thing. 1.00
00:04:51.000 And I didn't say this because I thought of it later, but she was mad at me for liking him. 0.99
00:04:56.000 And I said,
00:04:58.000 Amber, your husband is, David Cross, is probably the only guy in America who doesn't talk like that in buses.
00:05:05.000 And I've noticed it over the years.
00:05:07.000 We'd all be getting raunchy, telling dirty stories, and David would just go, meh, I'm out of here.
00:05:12.000 This isn't interesting.
00:05:17.000 So I know you hate a lot of these comedians, and a lot of them are depressed, but a lot of them are just awesome dudes.
00:05:22.000 Like Fred Armisen.
00:05:24.000 Great guy.
00:05:26.000 He was in trouble recently.
00:05:28.000 Fred's getting quite a reputation. 0.98
00:05:29.000 Yeah, he has sex with women because he's incredibly famous and successful and they want to sleep with him. 0.99
00:05:35.000 What's your beef? 0.99
00:05:37.000 That he's not marrying them?
00:05:41.000 So...
00:05:42.000 There's definitely a genetic trait.
00:05:43.000 Oh, let me just put in my password to update this and it is Bobby two thousand three four six go Yeah, so I'm already not funny out of the gate and it's look I'm being honest that's funny see I
00:06:02.000 I had a, the reason I'm bringing up genetic traits is because I often dream jokes, and as Howard Stern points out, when you're dreaming you're not you, you're in a different consciousness, you're in a different dimension.
00:06:15.000 Comedy is sort of a complex myriad of electrical impulses in your brain.
00:06:20.000 And when those are skewed, you'll see something new and original, and it'll tick the right boxes, but the boxes are in the wrong order.
00:06:29.000 And what you think is the funniest thing in the world when you're dreaming, you'll wake up and go, pardonnez-moi?
00:06:37.000 Like, I was asleep, and I was thinking about this all night, and I honestly thought I have come up with the funniest concept, the funniest sentence in the world.
00:06:47.000 Now, I've already come up with the funniest sentence in the world, and it is, my only problem with breastfeeding- with women- oh, see, I already ruined it. 1.00
00:06:54.000 My only problem with women breastfeeding in public is that they never wink back. 1.00
00:07:00.000 Uh, but this I thought was even funnier than that.
00:07:03.000 So, I'm almost like spending the money I'm gonna make from this joke.
00:07:07.000 I guess it's gonna be a t-shirt and a bumper sticker and I'm gonna be in the history books as the guy who said the funniest thing of all time.
00:07:14.000 Actually, the funniest thing of all time...
00:07:17.000 I believe it was written by Dan Harmon.
00:07:19.000 It was on the Sarah Silverman Show.
00:07:20.000 She's also cool in person.
00:07:21.000 No, she's actually pretty depressed in person if she's not stoned, but she's a good person.
00:07:28.000 Dan Harmon wrote it for her show and Jay Johnson said it.
00:07:32.000 Jay Johnson is the guy who played the cop on Sarah Silverman's show.
00:07:34.000 He's maybe the funniest person in the world.
00:07:37.000 And he says, he's talking to someone and he's doing that whole like grizzled cop thing and he goes, as a cop.
00:07:45.000 I've seen things that would make you crap a book on how to puke. 0.80
00:07:53.000 I so badly want to write a book on how to puke. 0.66
00:07:55.000 I mean there are techniques.
00:07:56.000 You're gonna make a sound first.
00:08:00.000 You know if you're so hungover you're trying to get it up.
00:08:03.000 You gotta make sure your nose is above your mouth, and that's gonna make you think you're gonna hit the lid, but there is a sort of a degrees where you can make sure your nose, it doesn't go in your sinuses, but it also goes in the bowl.
00:08:16.000 Out of puke.
00:08:18.000 Sorry.
00:08:18.000 Before I get to this joke I dreamed, I have to tell you about Jay Johnson.
00:08:21.000 So he's, as Andy Dick called him, a legal giant.
00:08:26.000 He's about six foot a hundred, and his chin and his nose make him look like the McDonald's Half Moon guy.
00:08:34.000 Uh, and I hang out with him a lot if I'm in L.A.
00:08:37.000 The guy drinks like a fish.
00:08:40.000 Never drunk for work, though.
00:08:40.000 I don't want to imply he's an alcoholic or anything, but he likes his booze.
00:08:44.000 And we'd go to this room with other comedians and just riff, and they were way over my head.
00:08:49.000 Like, way better than me.
00:08:51.000 They did this joke once.
00:08:53.000 It was him and that guy, Dimitri Flopadopoulos, the guy who wrote for Mr. Show.
00:08:59.000 Dino.
00:09:00.000 And they were doing this joke about your arms being tired.
00:09:06.000 And it came from a Gilbert Gottfried riff where he said that, you know, he's been there for so many people.
00:09:13.000 It's something weird about him where he's always around.
00:09:16.000 Oh, installation was successful.
00:09:17.000 Where he's around people
00:09:20.000 Their final moments, and it happens a lot, it's like a gift he has, and he said he was with Jimi Hendrix as he threw up, and he held him, and he said it was gonna be okay, and he was also coincidentally with Janis Joplin in her final moments, and he held her in his arms, and she was coughing up blood, and he kissed her on the forehead and said it's gonna be alright.
00:09:40.000 It's just something he does.
00:09:42.000 Anyway, I just got back from the Jim Jones massacre, and boy are my arms tired. 0.99
00:09:47.000 Oh fuck, I ruined it! 0.99
00:09:49.000 I just flew back! 1.00
00:09:50.000 I just flew back!
00:09:52.000 Anyway, that's a Gilbert Godfrey joke that I just massacred.
00:09:56.000 But they start going, um, I just flew back from a Transformers convention, and boy are my arms tires.
00:10:07.000 And then they kept doing them.
00:10:10.000 Like, uh, George Bush just flew back from checking out the damage of Katrina, and boy are his farms mired.
00:10:19.000 This went on and on for I'm gonna say five hours and half the time when people are joking and laughing and saying good one the other people are staring at the desk stroking their chin trying to come up with a different arms tired.
00:10:33.000 Where am I?
00:10:36.000 I just came back from a pedophilia fisting convention and man am I tired of my arms in boys or something like that.
00:10:46.000 It got really convoluted and dark.
00:10:49.000 But um, that's Jay.
00:10:52.000 And I've been on vacation with him a few times and he makes fun of me because I'm cheap, because I'm Scottish.
00:10:56.000 It's a genetic trait.
00:10:58.000 And at one point he was opening the door for me.
00:11:02.000 You know how you run out to the back deck?
00:11:04.000 We'd rent a house like in Jamaica or something and all of us would go there.
00:11:08.000 And he's sort of opening the door the way you do when you go out back and you sort of push the door behind you so the other guy can get out so you don't slam the door in his face.
00:11:17.000 But it's a wobbly old house so it got stuck.
00:11:21.000 And I couldn't get out.
00:11:22.000 It was just, I had to sort of pull it over the stones and he goes, sorry, I'm cheap too.
00:11:32.000 Or when we picked him up at the airport, this was in St. 1.00
00:11:34.000 Martin, we picked him up at the airport and it's everything in the Caribbean is designed by imbeciles. 0.99
00:11:40.000 So getting out of an airport is like getting out of a Lego maze. 0.99
00:11:44.000 It takes forever because nothing they do makes any sense.
00:11:48.000 It's been devastated by the hurricane.
00:11:50.000 I don't see it being rebuilt ever.
00:11:53.000 It's nothing they do makes any sense.
00:11:56.000 So I'm going I can't believe this Jay.
00:11:58.000 I can't get out of here We just we're going in circles, and I'm getting confused and he goes yeah actually this city planning was done by a famous architect His name was Williard Millard.
00:12:08.000 He was also known to his friends as Willy Nilly All right, so that's my
00:12:16.000 That's my J Johnson update and my long comedian friends name dropping tangent, but to go back to my dream So I dreamt this thing and I thought I got it and I was telling my brain like brain This is brilliant.
00:12:30.000 Don't let it go the second Gavin wakes up.
00:12:33.000 I want you to write this down and It was you ready for this most hilarious thing ever it was
00:12:42.000 Uh, how many people want money? 0.98
00:12:45.000 That's the question.
00:12:47.000 And the answer is eight.
00:12:52.000 I don't understand.
00:12:53.000 That could not be less funny.
00:12:55.000 Let me just explain how bad this joke is.
00:12:57.000 Everyone wants money, but in my version of it, I only say eight do.
00:13:03.000 Makes absolutely no sense.
00:13:06.000 Not remotely funny or interesting or clever, or it doesn't even make sense.
00:13:11.000 Like it's something, it's a kind of joke my four-year-old would make.
00:13:15.000 It's on par with that.
00:13:16.000 In fact, I told him this story and I think he liked it.
00:13:19.000 He does knock-knock jokes like, knock-knock, who's there?
00:13:21.000 John.
00:13:22.000 John who?
00:13:23.000 Jonathan.
00:13:26.000 So, I had another dream last night though and I think this one might be better.
00:13:31.000 I can't even figure this one out.
00:13:33.000 I was like, how funny would it be if we did a video where it was called Sexy Dad and Son or Sexy Parent or something like that and it was me and my dad just being sexy to the camera.
00:13:48.000 Like you know when Phoebe Cates comes out of the pool in Fast Times at Ridgemont High and they show her emerging from the water with her hair and then she stares at the camera and she walks in slow motion?
00:13:57.000 My dad and I are ugly and skinny
00:14:00.000 And I thought, wouldn't it be funny to see my dad coming out of the pool like that and staring at the camera? 0.90
00:14:05.000 And then me, like, lifting weights with my skinny arms?
00:14:09.000 Yeah, I don't know.
00:14:10.000 I don't... It depends how you would do it, but... I don't know if it would be funny.
00:14:14.000 Plus, the title... This is not a good time.
00:14:17.000 Thanks a lot, Joe Biden, for making every joke that involves erotica disgusting.
00:14:25.000 And thanks, Trannies, by the way. 0.98
00:14:27.000 Did you see that Tranny on my show the other day? 1.00
00:14:29.000 He comes back from the army and he goes, I want to be a chick with a dick. 1.00
00:14:33.000 But I still love you, wife, and I still want to be a dad to your kids, but now I want to be a mom. 0.99
00:14:38.000 So now the kids have two moms. 0.93
00:14:40.000 But he's kind of a tomboy, so he'll just have a sweatshirt on and a baseball hat. 0.99
00:14:44.000 And a penis and sort of boobs because he's taking estrogen, but not really like the smallest boobs in America and you go Can't you just I don't know like you shave your pubes and have your wife take a few Pictures of you privately and store them in a safe and no one has to hear about it including the kids. 0.99
00:15:03.000 Can't you do that? 0.99
00:15:04.000 I mean, he had nail polish on, but people are so effeminate now, that's even common.
00:15:09.000 Just being a feminine man, I guess. 0.99
00:15:14.000 Anyway.
00:15:18.000 So that joke might be funny.
00:15:21.000 But I'm gonna go through a bunch of these jokes.
00:15:24.000 I can hear someone coming upstairs, that's not good.
00:15:27.000 God, you know who texted me recently?
00:15:30.000 Gavin Watson.
00:15:31.000 He's the guy in the 80s who took lots of pictures of punks and skins.
00:15:36.000 Skinheads.
00:15:37.000 The good kind, not the bad kind.
00:15:39.000 And the bad kind, too, I guess.
00:15:41.000 But, uh, it was... He's... We follow the same stuff, and he said, I'll give you a print if you want.
00:15:48.000 It's fun being famous sometimes.
00:15:50.000 Um, alright.
00:15:52.000 Jokes I've done forever.
00:15:53.000 I've been writing them down over the course of many months.
00:15:56.000 Is someone up here?
00:15:58.000 What are you doing?
00:16:05.000 Oh, getting something to make a strike zone.
00:16:06.000 There's already a strike zone thing on your pitching machine.
00:16:11.000 That's a perfect strike zone.
00:16:12.000 Just take that into the garage or the driveway.
00:16:15.000 What do you mean, uh-huh?
00:16:20.000 Don't backtalk me, boy!
00:16:25.000 Kids today, huh?
00:16:26.000 Always making strike zones.
00:16:29.000 Alright, now these jokes are jokes you can use that are not particularly funny.
00:16:35.000 They're just mildly amusing.
00:16:37.000 Oh, I just did one last night actually you can have.
00:16:40.000 My wife stayed home and I took the kids out for dinner and I went to the waitress and there's four of us, right?
00:16:48.000 My son is four, my kids are 11 and 9 and I'm 47.
00:16:51.000 And we went to the
00:16:55.000 We went to the waitress and she goes, oh, how many?
00:16:58.000 I go, oh, we're four.
00:16:59.000 And then she sits us down and she's handing the menus and I go, yeah, I may have misled you earlier.
00:17:05.000 What I meant to say was there's four of us, but obviously we're not four.
00:17:09.000 I mean, I'm 47.
00:17:10.000 He's four, but none of the other people here are four.
00:17:14.000 Now, the thing about waitress jokes, and I've heard people criticize those of us in the amusing waitress community, and they say, look, it's a captive audience, dude. 0.80
00:17:25.000 You're not allowed to joke with waitresses. 0.97
00:17:28.000 It's like having sex in prison. 0.99
00:17:30.000 If a female guard, a CO, has sex with a prisoner, and they're madly in love, that's still rape. 1.00
00:17:37.000 Because he can't say yes or no. 0.96
00:17:40.000 He can't complain.
00:17:42.000 If she says that it's rape, it is. 1.00
00:17:43.000 So it's rape.
00:17:44.000 Because she's in a position of absolute power and he lives in her cage.
00:17:49.000 So he's a human pet, according to the law.
00:17:52.000 And you can't have sex with your pets.
00:17:55.000 So, similarly, the waitress is a captive audience and she has to laugh or she's going to lose money. 1.00
00:18:01.000 But I don't think that's, that doesn't mean that my jokes aren't funny.
00:18:07.000 It might mean it's joke rape, I guess.
00:18:10.000 All right, so that's one.
00:18:13.000 Pretend that you have to be clear, and I do a lot of waitress jokes.
00:18:17.000 Like another one I like to do is if it's a really good meal, and I've cleaned the plate so clean they could just put it back on the shelves without washing it, I always say, yeah, I'm sorry, I can't finish this.
00:18:29.000 Maybe tell the chef this is something I'll write about.
00:18:32.000 Now, I know this, I'm not trying to say that I'm hilarious and here's examples.
00:18:38.000 I'm trying to say these jokes I've tried a million times, probably a million times, and they tend to do pretty good.
00:18:44.000 So you can just have them as little staples.
00:18:46.000 Like say you're on a date and you're a doctor.
00:18:48.000 Doctors aren't funny. 0.99
00:18:49.000 And you want to show her that you're not always this boring.
00:18:52.000 Just throw that one in. 0.91
00:18:54.000 We get a lot with bartenders over the years.
00:18:57.000 Like, uh,
00:18:58.000 The obvious one is, uh, you know, if you, if you notice your makers, you just pounded it.
00:19:03.000 You, you, the bartender comes by and you could say, yeah, hi, uh, I had ordered a maker's mark.
00:19:09.000 I think there's a leak in this or something because there's just ice here now.
00:19:13.000 I don't know if you want to change the glass or what's going on.
00:19:16.000 And they always go with it cause they've heard it a hundred times.
00:19:18.000 Like, oh, that's strange.
00:19:19.000 Okay, well let me try refilling it and just see if that happens again.
00:19:22.000 That's, that's unusual.
00:19:23.000 Okay.
00:19:25.000 Or, uh,
00:19:27.000 Or if you just pound your beer and it's been five minutes and the bartender comes back, you go, yeah, I'm sorry to bother you.
00:19:33.000 I ordered a Budweiser, but I ordered a full Budweiser.
00:19:37.000 This is completely empty, so I don't know what happened there.
00:19:40.000 I assume it would have felt lighter.
00:19:41.000 You've got to commit to bits, right?
00:19:43.000 So you pretend you really believe that.
00:19:45.000 Sometimes people won't get your joke.
00:19:47.000 And when that happens, you can't say, just kidding.
00:19:51.000 I'm sorry.
00:19:53.000 You have to keep going.
00:19:54.000 Maybe throw in aliens or something so they eventually get that you're not serious.
00:19:59.000 But saying, no I'm just joking, that's a sin.
00:20:02.000 That's like laughing during sex. 0.55
00:20:07.000 Or making a joke during sex.
00:20:09.000 There's two of the same thing in completely opposite contexts.
00:20:13.000 You have to stay in character.
00:20:15.000 Never goof around during sex, okay? 0.98
00:20:17.000 You're damn serious. 0.98
00:20:19.000 Anything could happen.
00:20:21.000 My wife's hair could fall off, she could be bald, and I'd say, well, we'll deal with that when we're done. 0.98
00:20:26.000 We'll go to the wig store, I guess, after this and clean up the mess.
00:20:31.000 Like, for example, one time I was at a home warming at James O'Keefe's house, and you can use this joke, too.
00:20:37.000 This is another good one.
00:20:39.000 And, uh, oh, that just reminds me of another one.
00:20:42.000 Okay.
00:20:43.000 So I met James O'Keefe's new apartment.
00:20:45.000 Beautiful.
00:20:46.000 He's doing well for himself.
00:20:47.000 I think he's since moved from this place.
00:20:48.000 This was in Jersey.
00:20:50.000 And, uh, James goes, oh, hi, this is Mark or whatever.
00:20:52.000 Yeah, he was, he's my best friend, which I hate when people say that. 0.86
00:20:56.000 It's so gay. 1.00
00:20:57.000 My best friend. 0.98
00:20:59.000 James is a little on the spectrum.
00:21:00.000 I love the guy to death.
00:21:01.000 Love him more than a friend.
00:21:03.000 But sometimes he says things that are a little nerdy, a little doctor-y.
00:21:08.000 But that's why he has this incredible ability to concentrate and focus on the task at hand, which is exposing the media.
00:21:14.000 He's got a new book out, by the way, American Pravda.
00:21:16.000 Not bananas about the title, but it's basically about how the media is completely corrupt and biased.
00:21:24.000 So anyway.
00:21:26.000 James introduces me to his best friend, and he goes, hey, this is my best friend, Mark.
00:21:29.000 And I go, oh, yeah.
00:21:31.000 Oh, this is awkward.
00:21:33.000 And Mark goes, why?
00:21:34.000 And I go, because actually, I am James' best friend.
00:21:38.000 And then instead of him laughing, he goes, no, you're not.
00:21:41.000 And then I do my sad face, and I go, yeah, actually, I am.
00:21:45.000 I'm so sorry.
00:21:47.000 Oh, I should have told you.
00:21:50.000 And he goes, he's not getting the joke.
00:21:53.000 It's like when Robert Spencer believed me that my tattoos are holocaust denial tattoos.
00:22:00.000 He goes, um, I went to high school with James.
00:22:03.000 What high school did you go to?
00:22:04.000 And I go, look, I don't want to start a fight, but, uh, we, um, just because you went to high school with him doesn't mean he's your best friend.
00:22:13.000 I mean, he's moved on and I feel like I should have told you, he should have told you.
00:22:17.000 He's still not getting the joke and he's getting kind of angry.
00:22:22.000 So then I have to ramp it up and go, and to be frank, I think it might go beyond best friend soon.
00:22:28.000 It may start getting a little gay. 0.84
00:22:29.000 It may get sexual.
00:22:30.000 I don't know for sure, but that's the vibe I get.
00:22:33.000 He's been wearing Speedos to bed.
00:22:36.000 And usually that's me bringing in the aliens, like making it so crazy that you have to tune in. 0.98
00:22:42.000 And then he just sort of looked at me like I was a crazy gay person and walked away. 0.88
00:22:47.000 But that reminded me of another one I like to do. 0.96
00:22:50.000 This one makes people really mad.
00:22:52.000 I'm not sure you'd call it a joke per se, but you tell them they're pronouncing their name wrong.
00:22:59.000 Like Steven Crowder's dad is named Darren.
00:23:04.000 And I always know Darren as E-N, but he spells it D-A-R-R-I-N.
00:23:09.000 And I'm like, I met his dad once and I go, yeah, I heard you spelled your name wrong.
00:23:15.000 And he goes, uh, no, it's D-A-R-I-N. 0.82
00:23:18.000 And I go, mmm, yeah, no, no, it's E-N. 0.98
00:23:22.000 And he goes, I think I know how to spell my name.
00:23:24.000 And I go, yeah, I think you would, too.
00:23:26.000 Uh, but you don't.
00:23:27.000 And that's confusing.
00:23:28.000 And he goes, it's not confusing at all.
00:23:30.000 I'm spelling my name right.
00:23:32.000 Or, like, say someone has a slightly weird name, like, like, uh, uh, Gabrielle.
00:23:37.000 And you go, uh, they'll go, hi, I'm Gabrielle.
00:23:40.000 And you go, yeah, actually, it's Gabrielle.
00:23:43.000 And they go, no, it's Gabrielle.
00:23:44.000 Thanks.
00:23:45.000 No, it's a French name.
00:23:46.000 It's Gabrielle.
00:23:50.000 That's more a joke you do to amuse yourself.
00:23:54.000 So there's another one you can use if you want to just be annoying.
00:23:58.000 It's fun to be annoying.
00:24:00.000 That one you can't say, just kidding though.
00:24:01.000 So now you're stuck usually with an enemy.
00:24:04.000 Sometimes I'll do it, I'll introduce myself and do something that abrasive right out of the gate and then we'll never get over it and people will always, I'll never be friends with that person.
00:24:12.000 I think that's sometimes a good thing to do though.
00:24:13.000 I like to save time when you meet new people and say something weird.
00:24:17.000 My daughter does this too.
00:24:18.000 Say something weird right out of the gate and then if they have a problem with weirdness, they don't like you and we don't waste any time.
00:24:24.000 So I say something offensive or extreme right out of the gate, like right in the hellos.
00:24:29.000 And then they go, all right, this guy says weird stuff.
00:24:33.000 I don't like those kind of jokes.
00:24:34.000 Let's not waste our time here.
00:24:35.000 It's like speed dating.
00:24:39.000 Other bar jokes we used to do is, this is a little advanced.
00:24:42.000 I don't know if you want to get this advanced.
00:24:43.000 This is way better than the leaky glass.
00:24:46.000 But we would come in and we'd say to the bartender, we'd pretend that the drinks
00:24:51.000 We're good to go.
00:25:14.000 Was kind of funny the first time, but after the 70th time, it got really good.
00:25:20.000 That was at a bar called Blue in Brooklyn, where the owner was this Asian woman. 0.98
00:25:24.000 It's gone now, I think it's a liquor store.
00:25:26.000 And she had cameras all over the bar. 1.00
00:25:28.000 And we used to joke about her sitting at home eating Haagen-Dazs, watching us at the bar, and commenting on the videos, like she's eating rice and going, well, well, well, look what the cat dragged in. 0.71
00:25:41.000 Cheech and Chong.
00:25:45.000 And just following us and laughing at our drinks, and she could hear us.
00:25:48.000 Anyway, that's a different kind of humor, and we're not doing that now.
00:25:53.000 We're doing jokes that I've been doing forever.
00:25:56.000 Here's another one I like.
00:25:58.000 When someone says retired, I pretend I heard the word retarded.
00:26:03.000 And so they'll say, yeah, so my, both my parents are in Florida.
00:26:07.000 Like my dad retired, my dad has been retired for like four years.
00:26:11.000 And you go, wait, what? 0.97
00:26:12.000 Your dad's retarded? 1.00
00:26:14.000 And they'll go, no, retired. 0.98
00:26:17.000 You pretend to do this a few times.
00:26:19.000 I do it with my dad all the time and he gets annoyed.
00:26:21.000 Actually someone made me a t-shirt and it has a guy sleeping in a hammock with his arms crossed and it says across the top it says don't ask me to do anything and then below it it says I'm retarded.
00:26:33.000 And if I wear it, no one reads it, like they just see the word retired.
00:26:38.000 I believe it's called perceptual blindness.
00:26:41.000 They say that when the Indians saw the first boats coming in from Spain or whatever, their brains couldn't process that a giant house was on water, so they would just see a clear horizon.
00:26:52.000 Their brain would just go, sorry, not seeing that.
00:26:57.000 Here's another one I like to do.
00:26:59.000 When you see someone who is nine months pregnant, 1.00
00:27:02.000 I don't know.
00:27:19.000 Hey, sorry, I used to have that exact same problem, but I switched to Bud Light, and it just goes away.
00:27:25.000 It's Guinness that's doing it.
00:27:27.000 Guinness is the problem.
00:27:28.000 By the way, Guinness has less calories than Bud, but the common perception is that stout makes you fat, so I like to say that and pretend I think it's a beer belly.
00:27:36.000 Always gets a laugh.
00:27:37.000 Always.
00:27:39.000 I think women who are eight and a half months pregnant are sick of being babied all the time, and for someone to do a slightly edgy joke, it's a relief for them.
00:27:47.000 I've even tried that one on an Indian woman who was working at an electronics store who barely spoke English. 1.00
00:27:54.000 And she liked it.
00:27:56.000 Although Indians are very good at assimilating to our... They're one of the only immigrants who instantly get our humor. 1.00
00:28:01.000 Maybe that's because of the British colonization.
00:28:04.000 But you can riff with Indians.
00:28:06.000 Easy.
00:28:06.000 No matter how apu their accent is, they get riffs.
00:28:10.000 Doctors, no.
00:28:14.000 One time though, oh my god.
00:28:17.000 I have these events in my life where I'll just be in the car and I'll remember it and I'll just go, thank God I didn't do that.
00:28:27.000 But this was one of them.
00:28:28.000 I was at a little league thing, and there was a woman there, and she was wearing a tiny tennis skirt. 0.99
00:28:36.000 She was my age, 47. 0.93
00:28:39.000 And she had normal-sized breasts and this huge gut. 1.00
00:28:42.000 And I thought, oh, she's eight months pregnant. 1.00
00:28:47.000 And I thought I should do my Guinness joke.
00:28:48.000 This is always a good icebreaker.
00:28:51.000 And the reason I thought she was pregnant is because she's wearing a skimpy outfit. 1.00
00:28:54.000 So you wear skimpy, you don't wear skimpy when you're that big beer bellied.
00:28:58.000 You're kind of, as a woman, you're usually self-conscious about it.
00:29:01.000 But she was like, I'm sexy and pregnant. 1.00
00:29:03.000 OK, I got a good joke for you, lady. 0.99
00:29:05.000 And then I thought something in my head said, yeah, Gav, maybe wait a little bit because she's not eight and a half months.
00:29:11.000 She's like seven months, six months.
00:29:14.000 So maybe wait and get to hear her talk about her pregnancy, which would ruin the joke. 0.83
00:29:20.000 And slowly, as she stood in different positions and we talked, I realized that actually is a beer gut.
00:29:27.000 And I'm trying to ingratiate myself into the suburbs, too.
00:29:30.000 So I'm very, as Ezra Levant says, obsequious.
00:29:34.000 I was asking him, I go, you must be in a liberal community.
00:29:38.000 How do you survive with your neighbors?
00:29:39.000 Because I'm worried my neighbors hate me.
00:29:41.000 And he goes, oh, I'm obsequious. 1.00
00:29:43.000 I kiss their ass. 1.00
00:29:44.000 So I'm trying to ingratiate myself as much as possible. 1.00
00:29:47.000 And I don't want any fat jokes looming around.
00:29:51.000 And I didn't use the Guinness joke and it turns out she actually is fat and that probably is from Guinness and that tip would have been real. 0.95
00:30:03.000 Oops.
00:30:07.000 Okay, here's another great one.
00:30:09.000 Say you're, you know, at a kid's baseball game, speaking of Little League, and you've been talking to one of the dads and then he disappears, you know, maybe to go play with his daughter or something, and he comes back and he's been gone for like two hours.
00:30:22.000 You put your hands on your hips like a school mom, like the the chick from Facts of Life, 0.98
00:30:28.000 And you go, where the hell have you been?
00:30:30.000 I've been worried sick about you. 0.99
00:30:32.000 I don't know whether to slap you or to hug you.
00:30:36.000 That one does well. 0.99
00:30:39.000 I think it's because it has the word slap you in it and then hug you.
00:30:45.000 It's got a bit of danger to it.
00:30:47.000 That's why people swear in humor and say offensive words.
00:30:49.000 It's a little electric shock to sort of wake you up and go, hey, I got a joke coming.
00:30:54.000 So slap you, the word slap sort of wakes them up.
00:30:59.000 And it's fun pretending to be their mom.
00:31:01.000 You know what else is fun speaking of that?
00:31:03.000 Disciplining other people's kids.
00:31:05.000 That cracks me up.
00:31:08.000 Hey, hey, Tommy, no, what are you doing? 0.99
00:31:10.000 What are you crazy? 0.99
00:31:12.000 And other parents like it, because they can tell you're kidding, but also the kids go, what the hell? 0.94
00:31:18.000 This was common in the 50s, 60s, and 70s, but it's not done anymore.
00:31:21.000 You can let your... Someone's kids can kill someone else, and you just sort of go, that's... Well, I guess the parents are gonna handle that.
00:31:27.000 But I like getting involved.
00:31:28.000 No, no, no, no, guys.
00:31:29.000 No TV.
00:31:30.000 That's enough TV.
00:31:31.000 Just turn off the TV. 0.89
00:31:33.000 They look at you like, what the hell?
00:31:35.000 Did you... Did someone hand over the keys to you? 0.98
00:31:38.000 I don't even know who you are.
00:31:39.000 You're my dad's drinking buddy.
00:31:41.000 Yeah.
00:31:42.000 And I'm calling the shots around here, pal.
00:31:44.000 Now get to bed.
00:31:44.000 That's amusing.
00:31:48.000 But yeah, you know that reminded me too, that one, that character that I'm doing when I go, I don't know whether to slap you or to hug you.
00:31:54.000 I used to date Nancy Wong a million years ago, and she told me, she had this thing she noticed where she goes, have you noticed how kids who grew up in Manhattan are way beyond their years, but in an annoying way?
00:32:08.000 They talk like adults.
00:32:10.000 And she had these examples, like she saw this five-year-old
00:32:15.000 It was two school groups.
00:32:16.000 You know how they travel.
00:32:17.000 Sometimes they carry a rope so they don't get lost.
00:32:19.000 And they all wear the same shirt in Manhattan.
00:32:22.000 These two groups bump into each other.
00:32:24.000 And this girl puts her fists on her hips, the sort of way I do when I say, I don't know whether to slap you or hug you. 0.96
00:32:30.000 And she goes, Sandy!
00:32:32.000 I didn't know that was you!
00:32:36.000 These are five-year-olds.
00:32:38.000 Another example is, as she was at the Met,
00:32:41.000 And this, uh, dad's putting on this six-year-old's coat.
00:32:44.000 And you know when you're putting on a kid's coat?
00:32:46.000 Like a, an overcoat?
00:32:48.000 They sort of, they reach back, they put their hands behind them, up almost like a reverse Zieg Heil to, to get the jacket on.
00:32:55.000 Oh, there we go.
00:32:56.000 And, um, and she's looking up at her dad and she goes, I'm cold.
00:33:01.000 Are you cold?
00:33:03.000 That's why I had to get my kids out of the city.
00:33:05.000 I don't want them
00:33:07.000 Talking like that.
00:33:08.000 I go to this anarchist farm in the summer with all these old punks and hippies and a lot of them kids are homeschooled and I don't like the way homeschooled kids talk to you.
00:33:18.000 Like this kid.
00:33:19.000 First of all, he doesn't have superheroes.
00:33:21.000 Like I wanted to give him a Superman toy.
00:33:23.000 He had a stick that he had made with beads and feather glued on it and it was a magic wand.
00:33:29.000 What?
00:33:30.000 No, go to Walmart and get a race car with cannons on the top. 0.99
00:33:34.000 That one sucks, and you know it. 0.88
00:33:38.000 But, uh, he goes, so what do you do? 0.99
00:33:40.000 He's like, seven or eight. 1.00
00:33:43.000 I go, none of your business, shithead. 1.00
00:33:45.000 Fuck off. 1.00
00:33:47.000 No, I didn't say that. 1.00
00:33:48.000 I said, I do stuff.
00:33:49.000 All right, go play.
00:33:52.000 Yeah, kids being wise beyond their years is child abuse.
00:33:57.000 Uh, okay.
00:33:58.000 Oh, here's a great one I use.
00:34:01.000 This one is pretty darn funny, so it might not work on a lot of people.
00:34:05.000 But if someone's like, oh, I'm sorry, I'll just, I'll be with you right in a second.
00:34:08.000 And you just go, oh, I'm good.
00:34:10.000 I'm like a girl's record collection. 1.00
00:34:13.000 And sometimes they'll just smile and go, okay.
00:34:15.000 But if they go, pardon?
00:34:16.000 You go, no rush.
00:34:19.000 Get it?
00:34:20.000 It works good in emails too, but you have to capitalize the R. The band Rush.
00:34:24.000 No girls have won Rush record ever. 0.98
00:34:27.000 No woman in the entire world has ever listened to Rush once.
00:34:31.000 And if you go to a Rush concert, it looks like the He-Man Woman Haters Club.
00:34:36.000 There is no woman for a hundred miles. 1.00
00:34:40.000 So yeah, if someone says to you, it's actually better in email, says, OK, hang on, I'll have to get, I'll check my other computer, but I might still have that.
00:34:49.000 And you go, OK, girls record collection. 0.97
00:34:52.000 It's almost like my own cockney I invented.
00:34:55.000 Trouble and strife is the wife. 1.00
00:34:57.000 Septic tank is a yank.
00:34:59.000 That's why we call Americans septics.
00:35:06.000 Oh, his is a great one.
00:35:08.000 Now this one I've been using forever.
00:35:09.000 I actually did it on vacation with Jay Johnson, and it was one of the few times I made him laugh so hard, beer came out his nose.
00:35:16.000 I found a coral rock that looked like a decaying penis, and I put it in my trunks, and I acted kind of uncomfortable and shy, and I walked over to, it was just guys at this particular table, like in the backyard, and I said, hey guys,
00:35:36.000 Can I show you something?
00:35:37.000 I gotta ask you.
00:35:38.000 And then you sort of reach in with your fly and you grab the coral rock and you go, timing is crucial here.
00:35:45.000 You know, as any funny person will tell you, the secret to humor is timing.
00:35:55.000 So I reach in and I pull out the coral rock and I go, is this normal?
00:36:00.000 Now you can do that with a carrot, you can do that with anything. 1.00
00:36:08.000 Like a plastic bag is stupid. 0.99
00:36:10.000 It should be something remotely phallic. 1.00
00:36:13.000 But, you know, no one pulls out their penis and shows it to people. 0.99
00:36:17.000 So, besides everyone these days. 0.99
00:36:21.000 So they're sort of ready to see like a wart or something.
00:36:25.000 Or a zit.
00:36:29.000 I know here's one I've been using forever.
00:36:30.000 You probably heard me use it.
00:36:32.000 It's a staple.
00:36:34.000 I highly recommend it.
00:36:35.000 Anytime someone says something that sounds sort of like a band, you say, oh, Blankety Blank is playing at Mercury Lounge on Thursday if you want to go.
00:36:45.000 I know the bassist.
00:36:46.000 I can get good seats.
00:36:48.000 Mercury Lounge doesn't have seats, by the way.
00:36:50.000 Like someone says, has bell-bottoms on, and someone says, oh, sweet bell-bottoms.
00:36:54.000 You go, oh, that reminds me, sweet bell-bottoms are playing at Mercury Lounge, if you guys want to go.
00:36:58.000 You can stop it at, if you guys want to go, or you can also add, I know the bassists, so we can get great seats.
00:37:04.000 You can add, I know the bassists and great seats.
00:37:06.000 Those are extras, they work great, or you can just stop at Mercury Lounge.
00:37:10.000 I saw some tweet, Cernovich retweeted, where these anti-Semitic liberals were saying, um, uh,
00:37:19.000 The Strange Jewish Journey of Blah Blah Blah on his way to Trump. 0.74
00:37:24.000 It's almost, it's probably written by a Jewish liberal who resented that he lost one of them.
00:37:29.000 And it was a perfect opportunity for, oh!
00:37:32.000 Strange Jewish Journey are playing at Mercury Lounge if you guys want to go.
00:37:36.000 My kids even do it now.
00:37:37.000 Actually, I've been doing that so long that when I start with, oh!
00:37:41.000 Sweet Bottoms, and I say, are playing, they all go, oh! 0.54
00:37:46.000 Oh, here's another fun one you can do.
00:37:50.000 At the bar, when they go, would you like another beer?
00:37:54.000 You go, you pretend that you're offended and you go, oh, that's a little personal.
00:37:58.000 Yeah, I don't understand why you're prying.
00:38:01.000 And you act pissed off.
00:38:02.000 So this is good.
00:38:03.000 This isn't another one of those, yeah, sorry, ah, it's more of an angry guy.
00:38:07.000 Yeah, I don't think that's any of your business.
00:38:10.000 You act really pissed off.
00:38:13.000 Sometimes these don't work.
00:38:15.000 Like, for some reason this one bombs, so don't do this one.
00:38:19.000 But if the waitress comes up and she goes, okay, let me just start with the specials we're going to have.
00:38:23.000 And then she starts listening.
00:38:24.000 I look at the rest of the table and I go, we have no way of knowing if this is true.
00:38:29.000 Uh, every time I do that one, it flops and the waitress gets super pissed off. 1.00
00:38:33.000 I don't know why.
00:38:34.000 Clearly, lady, it is true. 1.00
00:38:37.000 Okay?
00:38:37.000 I'm kidding.
00:38:38.000 I know you're James O'Keefe's best friend.
00:38:40.000 That's fine.
00:38:41.000 He's my 37th best friend.
00:38:44.000 No, he's much higher than that.
00:38:46.000 I should do that.
00:38:47.000 I'm gonna list my friends.
00:38:49.000 I would say James is.
00:38:51.000 I don't see him much.
00:38:52.000 We communicate through computers, but in person it's relatively rare.
00:38:56.000 I'm gonna say he's down by 21 maybe?
00:38:58.000 21-ish?
00:38:58.000 He's like a work friend.
00:39:05.000 So that one doesn't do well, don't do that. 1.00
00:39:07.000 But yeah, this one, 90% of the time they laugh, but there is 10% where they go, well fuck you then, you can't have another beer. 0.99
00:39:15.000 And that's the worst thing. 0.99
00:39:17.000 You'll notice us alcoholics are very, very delicate with their relationships to their bartenders, because this is your drug dealer.
00:39:24.000 You don't want to be on the outs with him.
00:39:26.000 In Scotland, they can have, you know, they start swearing and the bartender goes, here you go, take it easy with that cousin. 0.99
00:39:34.000 And they go, sorry, sorry lass, sorry, won't happen again. 0.87
00:39:37.000 They're so, it's, they're just beaten, cowed, slaves to the booze.
00:39:42.000 Anyway, so you go, you go, that's rather prying.
00:39:46.000 Yeah, it's none of your business.
00:39:48.000 And they go, okay, well, I guess you won't get another beer.
00:39:50.000 And you go, then when you start to lose them and they're going to walk away, you go, well, now, yes, coincidentally,
00:39:56.000 I do want another beer, so you did catch me there.
00:40:00.000 But, uh, I don't appreciate you prying into my private life.
00:40:05.000 That's a good one.
00:40:07.000 Oh, here's a great one.
00:40:08.000 I love to do this one.
00:40:10.000 Do you remember in, like, fifth grade, you'd tell your friend, maybe sixth grade, when you're 12, 13, that you like Penny Marshall?
00:40:24.000 I don't know who that is.
00:40:25.000 Oh, wait a minute.
00:40:25.000 That's Laverne and Shirley, isn't it?
00:40:28.000 Okay, I'll use the real name.
00:40:29.000 Marcia Sterner.
00:40:30.000 Marcia, if you're out there, I had a crush on you when I was a child.
00:40:36.000 Christy Bradknox.
00:40:37.000 Oh my God.
00:40:38.000 I can't remember what she looks like.
00:40:39.000 I remember she had a bowl cut.
00:40:40.000 I actually wrote for Vice Magazine for many years as Christy Bradknox.
00:40:44.000 I can't find her online.
00:40:46.000 But she had a bowl cut, and I remember she had tube socks, and the elastic was done on one of them, so she held it up with a rubber band. 0.76
00:40:53.000 And I remember, maybe that's when I started my sock fetish.
00:40:56.000 I'm into socks on girls. 1.00
00:40:58.000 Ladies, women, adults.
00:41:00.000 But maybe it started then as a kid.
00:41:02.000 Anyway, you tell your friend, say Dale Aiken, and you go, I think I'm really, I think I'm falling in love with Christy Bradnax.
00:41:09.000 Or I'm falling in love with that girl, that red-haired girl, whatever.
00:41:12.000 And then your friend in the hallways would go, my friend likes you!
00:41:15.000 And then you'd grab him and go, I do not, I do not! 0.68
00:41:17.000 And like try to grab his face and shut his mouth.
00:41:21.000 So that was fun times in school, but you do that as an adult.
00:41:26.000 You do it in real life if the guy does like her.
00:41:29.000 And you go, my friend likes you!
00:41:30.000 Or I just like yelling it out of a car.
00:41:32.000 Like, my friend likes you!
00:41:33.000 Or it's been so long, right?
00:41:40.000 It's been literally 38 years since I did that sincerely.
00:41:46.000 So it's kind of lost its funniness because it's a geriatric saying it.
00:41:51.000 But I love just yelling that out of a car.
00:41:54.000 Or saying it if I'm with a guy in the street to any pretty girl.
00:41:58.000 My friend likes you!
00:42:00.000 It's a good, it's a good.
00:42:01.000 You know what Texans do? 0.96
00:42:02.000 I always thought this is a brilliant way to say, I'm attracted to you.
00:42:06.000 Uh, let's set something up.
00:42:07.000 Is they go, Trace Crutchfield would do this.
00:42:09.000 He'd go, there she is! 0.92
00:42:11.000 My God!
00:42:13.000 There she is!
00:42:13.000 That's a good one.
00:42:16.000 That's probably considered catcalling now.
00:42:18.000 But David Cross, when I used to do that one, he would, he would change it. 0.51
00:42:22.000 His, he changed his to, uh, my friend thinks you're horny.
00:42:25.000 Oh, David has a great one.
00:42:28.000 He, uh, him and, uh, the guy who played Jerry, Jerry, no, no, uh, Professor Jellyneck in Strangers with Candy.
00:42:36.000 They would try to sneak the word bitch into their orders where, uh, 1.00
00:42:44.000 Where I got two David ones. 1.00
00:42:46.000 They would try to sneak bitch into their order. 1.00
00:42:48.000 So they go, can I get you guys anything? 1.00
00:42:50.000 And they go, yeah, I was looking at some of these things, bitch. 1.00
00:42:53.000 And I think I want to get the Shirley Temple. 0.99
00:42:57.000 I want to try it.
00:42:59.000 Just sort of sneak it in.
00:43:00.000 Let's see if they notice.
00:43:03.000 Him and Nick Swarzen used to have all these.
00:43:05.000 Now these are advanced gigs.
00:43:06.000 I'm giving you the dummy's guide because I'm a dummy and I'm an amateur.
00:43:09.000 But these are what some of the pros get up to.
00:43:11.000 Him and Nick Swarzen would go on an elevator and pretend they didn't know each other.
00:43:17.000 And David would be super annoying and Nick would be the normal guy. 0.97
00:43:23.000 So, Mick Sworston, by the way, is a lunatic. 0.98
00:43:27.000 He's the guy who played the gay guy in that figure skating movie with Will Smith. 0.99
00:43:33.000 And then Napoleon Dynamite guy, he was the stalker.
00:43:36.000 And I've run into him at bars in L.A. 0.99
00:43:39.000 He, I think he's gay, he parties his ass off. 1.00
00:43:43.000 You know how you're at a bar and you hear that, like ten people screaming and laughing and you go, Jesus, I wish they'd keep it down. 1.00
00:43:49.000 He's that guy. 0.74
00:43:50.000 He's the nucleus of that screaming crowd of lunatics doing shots.
00:43:54.000 And not when their hockey team wins the Stanley Cup, but every single night he is that guy. 0.94
00:44:01.000 An insane partier.
00:44:03.000 Great guy. 0.99
00:44:04.000 Anyway, so they get on the elevator and David pretends he's an idiot and Nick gets on. 0.97
00:44:12.000 I guess David would be on first because he'd be closer to the keypad. 0.92
00:44:15.000 And Nick would go, uh, 31 please?
00:44:18.000 And he'd go, uh, 13?
00:44:20.000 And Nick would go, 31?
00:44:21.000 And he goes, 1? 0.85
00:44:25.000 And then other people going 31 he said 31 3 1 is 3 and 1 you want 3 and 1 and then Nick would go Are you an idiot and he goes I'm trying David go I'm trying to help and Nick would go well You're not helping you understand anything and then David start pushing buttons and then David go you know what I'm out of here and he would just get off at the next floor and Nick would push 31 the doors would close and then Nick would be alone with these strangers that he just pretended he was one of 0.99
00:44:51.000 And Nick just goes, oh, what a jerk. 0.99
00:44:57.000 And someone else in the elevator says to Nick, don't worry about it. 1.00
00:45:00.000 We don't need him.
00:45:04.000 And the genius of that joke is, or that joke, that thing, is the guy, the stranger, is implying that they're on an elevator going somewhere together.
00:45:16.000 Like, are they going to go out the top of the building and just sort of soar over the city as a team?
00:45:22.000 Like, the never-ending story.
00:45:28.000 Another thing I heard Nick would do on elevators is he would fart and go, and then just quietly moment to himself, ugh, that was a total AIDS fart.
00:45:38.000 One time, I can't remember what comedian this was, but I had just interviewed Zach Galifianakis and I saw that he was texting the guy at our table, so I stole the guy's phone and I texted Zach, good news, Gavin likes you. 0.99
00:45:53.000 And then Zach texted back, great, allow me to file that under who gives a shit. 0.98
00:46:03.000 You know another good gag I did? 0.99
00:46:04.000 Derek Beckles was in this horrible relationship with this lunatic stalker chick who wouldn't let him go and he finally broke up with her and got her stuff out of his house and it was like she was gonna kill him and press charges and beat herself up and say he hit her.
00:46:19.000 A real buddy boiler type, right?
00:46:22.000 And he left his phone on the table when he went to the bathroom, which you never do!
00:46:27.000 Never do.
00:46:28.000 I've done so many doozies with people.
00:46:31.000 Like, I was watching ballet and I got a boner.
00:46:35.000 You just post that on someone's Facebook when they leave their Facebook open.
00:46:38.000 Like, is that weird?
00:46:39.000 And their mom reads it.
00:46:42.000 Anyway, I took Derek's phone and I texted this crazy ex and I just texted one word.
00:46:46.000 Lonely.
00:46:49.000 And the foam just... It was crawling all over the bar for the rest of the night.
00:46:57.000 It drained its batteries.
00:47:05.000 Okay, so yeah, My Friend Likes You is really fun to do.
00:47:11.000 Here's a joke if you have a piano in your house.
00:47:14.000 We have a piano in our house.
00:47:16.000 I mean, I don't know how to play it.
00:47:18.000 And when people go, that's a nice piano.
00:47:19.000 Do you play the piano?
00:47:20.000 And I always say this exact same joke.
00:47:22.000 It makes my wife, just drains the energy from her because she's heard it so many times.
00:47:26.000 But I always go, yeah, yeah, I'm going to be taking lessons.
00:47:29.000 I mean, I want to make sure it's a really short instructor because my wife isn't used to having a big pianist in the house. 1.00
00:47:38.000 That does well.
00:47:41.000 Oh, here's a sophisticated one you can use that I like.
00:47:45.000 Inevitably at a party, right, the women end up in one half of the room, they're usually in the kitchen, and the men end up in the other half of the room, and they're in the living room. 0.98
00:47:57.000 That this happens at dinner parties, maybe the women are cleaning up. 1.00
00:48:00.000 If the men are forced to clean up, then the opposite happens and the men take up the kitchen and the women are in the living room. 0.97
00:48:06.000 And if someone from the other group comes, it's like apartheid. 0.81
00:48:11.000 Like a man shows up in the kitchen and the woman sort of stopped talking, they look at him and they go, yes?
00:48:16.000 What are you here for a refill?
00:48:18.000 Because don't get too comfortable, buddy.
00:48:20.000 And same with a woman. 0.98
00:48:21.000 If a woman like plops down on the couch with the guys and it's like 10 guys, we all look at her going, all right, are you here to ruin all our jokes and curb the conversation and make us have to watch everything we say or what are you doing? 0.97
00:48:34.000 You need to go back to where you belong in the kitchen.
00:48:37.000 But anyway, when I'm going to the kitchen to get a refill, I like to say,
00:48:41.000 Isn't this funny how at parties, inevitably, they get separated, and then they're all smiling like, yeah, that is funny, it always happens.
00:48:50.000 And then I add, in terms of IQ.
00:48:55.000 That's a sophisticated one that has a real groan at the end that makes them mad.
00:49:05.000 Okay, I've only got one left here.
00:49:09.000 Steal the nickname of someone else's kid.
00:49:17.000 So like, at our baseball game recently, this guy, he calls his kid Meatball.
00:49:24.000 And so he's like, let's go Meatball!
00:49:26.000 Come on Meatball, you got this!
00:49:29.000 Now, he's on my team.
00:49:31.000 And the kid does well, he's a great player.
00:49:34.000 And later on, when my son's up, I go, all right, Meatball, you got this!
00:49:41.000 Let's go, Meatball! 0.98
00:49:43.000 And then my son got a home run, and I'm just like, yay, Meatball!
00:49:46.000 You can do it!
00:49:47.000 Go, Meatball! 1.00
00:49:50.000 Stealing another guy's nickname for his kid is a lot of fun.
00:49:54.000 It's right on the edge, though.
00:49:55.000 In fact, I'm not sure the guy got it.
00:49:57.000 I think he was sort of like, that's OK.
00:50:00.000 I don't care.
00:50:00.000 I don't know.
00:50:00.000 I don't mind.
00:50:01.000 You can go ahead.
00:50:03.000 It could be a good plot for a sitcom, couldn't it?
00:50:06.000 A Curb Your Enthusiasm, where Larry David, who obviously doesn't have kids, but if you're like, yeah, no, you can't use that.
00:50:12.000 That's my nickname.
00:50:13.000 And he goes, what, you own a copyright for nicknames?
00:50:15.000 Look, I never see you.
00:50:16.000 You're never going to hear me calling him Meatball.
00:50:17.000 I want to call him Meatball.
00:50:19.000 Yeah, I don't like you calling me bald.
00:50:20.000 What, in the privacy of my own home?
00:50:22.000 You care what I call my kid?
00:50:23.000 It's none of your business!
00:50:24.000 It's kinda creepy.
00:50:25.000 Creepy?
00:50:26.000 No, creepy is you stealing my nickname for my kid.
00:50:29.000 I'm not stealing it.
00:50:30.000 You don't own it.
00:50:32.000 It's just a word.
00:50:33.000 Do you have a trademark on it?
00:50:34.000 Oh, what is this?
00:50:35.000 Like when someone sits down and you say, your name isn't on it?
00:50:37.000 I gotta put my name?
00:50:38.000 I gotta trademark everything I do?
00:50:40.000 Gotta trademark my recipe?
00:50:42.000 Yeah, you do trademark recipes, Larry.
00:50:44.000 It's called a recipe book.
00:50:47.000 Jesus.
00:50:53.000 So those are little things you can do to be funny.
00:50:56.000 Another one I like to do that just popped into my head is my neighbors, their in-laws are visiting.
00:51:03.000 And they go, hi, I'm Casey's father.
00:51:06.000 And I go, hi, how you doing?
00:51:09.000 And he goes, so this is, they're in here?
00:51:11.000 Because they just moved in.
00:51:13.000 And I go, yeah, that's them.
00:51:14.000 I got to tell you, man, these keg parties, I mean, it gets relentless. 1.00
00:51:18.000 I just, I want them to have a break, you know?
00:51:20.000 It's the bands playing downstairs, kegs flying out the window.
00:51:23.000 It's like Animal House every single night.
00:51:26.000 And, uh, he had a weird comeback.
00:51:27.000 He goes, tell me about the bands.
00:51:30.000 I think he's into music and he was running with the joke doing that riff.
00:51:33.000 But that's a good one.
00:51:34.000 Pretend your neighbors party too much.
00:51:36.000 This one is especially good if they're really old.
00:51:39.000 Oh, that reminds me of another one!
00:51:42.000 You always have to do this 100% of the time.
00:51:46.000 If a woman is talking about her kid and she says, so my daughter is 22 and she's just in college now, and you go, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute, wait a minute. 0.83
00:51:55.000 You had a child when you were nine years old? 0.91
00:51:59.000 That's disgusting.
00:52:03.000 They always laugh and say, God bless you. 0.89
00:52:05.000 I always do that with any woman over 35 who always get their name incredibly wrong and they always love it.
00:52:14.000 Like you say, well, you must have been going to Nirvana concerts.
00:52:17.000 You were what, 20 when Grunge was out?
00:52:21.000 No, I was 60 years old.
00:52:22.000 I'm 112 now.
00:52:23.000 Oh, geez.
00:52:24.000 Wow, that's weird.
00:52:25.000 What do you do?
00:52:26.000 Dip, you sleep in oil of Olay every night?
00:52:31.000 So that's, that's how to be funny.
00:52:33.000 I've broken it down for you.
00:52:36.000 I think it's important to be funny.
00:52:37.000 I know I keep repeating this, but within every joke is a tiny revolution.
00:52:42.000 And I look back at my life and controversies and trouble I've been in, and I never regret saying anything.
00:52:49.000 I think that if I could go back, I would take away every time I was serious.
00:52:55.000 You know?
00:52:55.000 I should have responded with more jokes.
00:52:59.000 Like that video I did, 10 things I hate about the Jews. 1.00
00:53:02.000 Obviously a joke. 0.95
00:53:03.000 Even the picture on the video makes it clear it's a joke.
00:53:06.000 But when people go, this is anti-Semitic, I'd go, it's clearly a joke.
00:53:12.000 Explain it.
00:53:12.000 Watch the video.
00:53:13.000 It's a parody of anti-Semitism, blah, blah, blah.
00:53:16.000 That's being serious.
00:53:19.000 That's like saying to James O'Keefe's best friend, Oh, I'm just joking.
00:53:23.000 I know you're his best friend.
00:53:24.000 I'm pretending that I'm his best friend to amuse myself and ideally you and James, but it's not working.
00:53:30.000 That's not what you do.
00:53:31.000 You just keep going with the humor.
00:53:34.000 Keep enjoying yourself.
00:53:35.000 Just go, you're right.
00:53:36.000 That was a wake up call.
00:53:38.000 I've changed so much.
00:53:39.000 Do a big fake apology.
00:53:41.000 I'm going to Israel on an apology tour.
00:53:49.000 Yeah, I think that would be a lot more fun.
00:53:52.000 Because capitulation doesn't work.
00:53:54.000 Apologies don't work.
00:53:55.000 Remember Brett Ratner?
00:53:57.000 He, there was that movie about with Alan Alda and Eddie Murphy's in it about a heist, tower heist.
00:54:05.000 And
00:54:06.000 Late at night.
00:54:07.000 I think Brett Ratner is probably a terrible human being, by the way.
00:54:10.000 But I often defend terrible human beings because in the court of social justice, you are innocent until proven guilty. 0.97
00:54:18.000 So sometimes I'll catch, I'll be defending guys that I know are total creeps, but I'll be defending them because the examples that got them in trouble are ridiculous.
00:54:29.000 So this isn't vigilantism.
00:54:31.000 You may have the right guy, but I want you to use the correct crime.
00:54:36.000 We're not putting Al Capone in prison for 30 years for tax evasion.
00:54:41.000 We're not putting OJ Simpson away because he stole a jersey with a signature on it. 0.73
00:54:45.000 I want OJ to go away for beheading Nicole Kidman.
00:54:51.000 So, um, 0.84
00:54:54.000 I was defending this guy and by the way, I hate when people think that I forgot what I was talking about because that is such a... it's like you're demeaning the person, you know? 0.99
00:55:05.000 You're saying they're stupid and they've had too much coffee and they're scatterbrained or they drink too much and they're hungover. 0.99
00:55:11.000 That's totally unfair. 1.00
00:55:14.000 I never forget what I'm talking about.
00:55:16.000 I clearly remember that this guy I was defending did something that was just joking
00:55:24.000 Oh yeah, Brett Ratner. 0.54
00:55:25.000 So he's a creep.
00:55:27.000 And they said, so how much of this was ad lib?
00:55:31.000 Like, did you guys rehearse?
00:55:32.000 I think people always ask that question at movie Q&As, by the way.
00:55:35.000 It's so boring.
00:55:37.000 But they may have been asking it in this case, because I hear Eddie Murphy doesn't like reading lines.
00:55:42.000 So he just, he thinks every movie is Kirby enthusiasm.
00:55:45.000 He just shows up and riffs.
00:55:47.000 And they were maybe alluding to that. 0.99
00:55:48.000 Anyway, Brett Ratner goes, ah, rehearsals are for fags. 1.00
00:55:52.000 Now, Brett's personality aside, that's a funny joke, okay? 0.96
00:55:56.000 It's late at night, people are drinking.
00:55:59.000 What do you think he means?
00:56:00.000 Oh, and by the way, I was arguing about this when it happened, and I realized, technically, you know, if you really want to get scientific about it, rehearsals are more important, often, for homosexuals.
00:56:17.000 Because they tend to, overall, have a different voice, have a more effeminate personality.
00:56:26.000 Lighten the loafers, the tapette. 0.84
00:56:28.000 In French, they call gays tapettes, because, like a tap, their wrists bend.
00:56:33.000 And they tend to be like this, high. 0.90
00:56:35.000 And be honest with yourself. 0.95
00:56:37.000 Think about the gays you know. 1.00
00:56:39.000 And a lot of them are normal, but, you know, Ryan McGinley talks like a normal human being. 0.52
00:56:44.000 But most of the gays I know have a slight little, whatever girl, I can't even. 1.00
00:56:49.000 And so if they're playing a grizzled detective who has to talk about the streets, and as a cop, I've seen things that would make you crap a book on how to puke. 0.97
00:56:59.000 You have to rehearse more.
00:57:02.000 So, even literally,
00:57:05.000 What he said is factually arguable, but he wasn't being literal.
00:57:09.000 He was having fun, and he was talking like a high schooler, and that's what I hate about censorship, because when you say something's gay,
00:57:19.000 You are actually doing that whole, my friend likes you!
00:57:23.000 You're doing a parody of people who say things are gay.
00:57:28.000 No one believes that going to couples therapy is wrong because it's homosexual. 1.00
00:57:33.000 We say it's gay because it's stupid and we're saying gay in a funny way that mocks our naivete when we were 10 years old. 0.99
00:57:41.000 So it's actually a pro-gay thing to say. 0.99
00:57:45.000 Similarly, as we talked on my show about that band The Slants, who had to fight for six years, spend millions of dollars, the Redskins joined their case, because the Redskins knew they're in trouble if you can't trademark what's considered an epithet.
00:58:00.000 At six years, Ron Coleman, tons of lawyers, mounds of paperwork, a room full of paperwork, and eventually they did that.
00:58:08.000 And you go, hey Supreme Court,
00:58:11.000 I think even if they were racists, they should get that term, but they're not, just for fun.
00:58:19.000 And if you look at this Asian band called The Slants, they're clearly doing a parody of an antiquated old term, like slopes or rice ball.
00:58:29.000 So when you go at thought policing and trying to erase hate, you end up getting involved in jokes.
00:58:35.000 And the problem with jokes is they're art. 0.94
00:58:37.000 They're like sex. 0.89
00:58:39.000 They're a strange world. 0.64
00:58:40.000 And within this ambiguous artistic field of expression, there's all kinds of things that aren't as they appear. 0.96
00:58:48.000 And often what seems as a frivolous, stupid joke has some real depth to it and is a parody of the thing it sounds like. 0.96
00:58:57.000 So, when things sound racist, they're often a parody of racism. 0.99
00:59:01.000 When things sound antisemitic, they're often a parody of antisemites.
00:59:04.000 And when things sound homophobic, they're often lampooning homophobes or homophobic attitudes.
00:59:11.000 And that's what I don't like about you meddling and getting involved in art.
00:59:15.000 I don't like you getting involved in band names and songs.
00:59:18.000 I don't like you getting involved in sex.
00:59:22.000 We got plenty of laws for a woman being assaulted. 1.00
00:59:24.000 We want you to go to the cops so we can iron it out.
00:59:27.000 But getting involved in all this, like, these schools who want you to write a consent form before you have intercourse, that's the real problem with this sexual policing is you're ruining sex.
00:59:38.000 I remember talking to this woman, it might have been Ann Coulter about this, we were talking about how the problem with this whole, like, I am going to have sex with you, it is all completely consensual and I want to lay that out early.
00:59:48.000 That's not ladylike. 0.77
00:59:50.000 That's basically like, look.
00:59:53.000 We're gonna have dinner.
00:59:55.000 We're gonna go home. 1.00
00:59:57.000 You can't fuck me in the ass, but you can fuck me without a condom, and I'll blow yours. 1.00
01:00:02.000 Alright? 1.00
01:00:03.000 So it's not rape, and I'll say that on a tape to be sure that we're both consensual.
01:00:08.000 Cool?
01:00:09.000 And he sort of goes, uh, yeah, I guess so.
01:00:12.000 I guess I'm making love to a cab driver from the 1970s.
01:00:18.000 Away we go!
01:00:20.000 In the olden days,
01:00:22.000 We'd have this sort of, ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo.
01:00:24.000 And I don't know the solution to this, but I think the law is the best one.
01:00:28.000 But you could be a lady, ooh-hoo-hoo. 1.00
01:00:31.000 And he goes, get in the cab.
01:00:32.000 Come on.
01:00:32.000 I don't want to.
01:00:32.000 Get your hands off me.
01:00:35.000 I think a good example of this is that movie, It's Cold Outside.
01:00:40.000 Oh, baby.
01:00:41.000 If you watch that video, right?
01:00:42.000 And feminists are retroactively mad at that video. 1.00
01:00:45.000 I did a rebel video about this song. 0.91
01:00:48.000 But, uh, feminists have decided it's a rape video. 1.00
01:00:50.000 And you watch it, and you're like, no, this is the push and pull of two people in love, where she's retaining her chastity.
01:00:57.000 God, I'm already being unfunny again.
01:01:00.000 But he's like, uh, oh, why don't you sit down for a while?
01:01:03.000 And she, she like takes out a cigarette, I think, or she sits down on the couch, and she's clearly not a woman in duress. 0.56
01:01:10.000 I think no, this idea that no means no right out of the gate, this is going to sound terrible, but no doesn't mean no.
01:01:19.000 Two no, no means maybe, two no's means this isn't going well, three no's means no, and at that point you stop the game and it's over.
01:01:28.000 But in that song, she says, meh.
01:01:32.000 And that's the game.
01:01:33.000 That's the push and pull.
01:01:34.000 Every ballet you see is that sort of push and pull.
01:01:37.000 And I think we're feminists in their quest to make everything egalitarian and fair and wrong and just and to eradicate hate, which is completely insane. 1.00
01:01:47.000 I love hate.
01:01:51.000 In their effort to make everything a Jehovah's Witnesses idea of heaven, they start just killing fun. 1.00
01:01:57.000 I mean, we like a little bit of ambiguity.
01:02:00.000 This is a terrible time to be making this argument.
01:02:03.000 But, you know, the lady goes, I don't want to get in the cab. 0.98
01:02:07.000 You know, you can see a slight turn of her lips, the slight corners turning up, and you think, this has some potential.
01:02:13.000 Anyway, she goes there, and then, oh my, and you're chasing her up the stairs. 0.63
01:02:17.000 Oh, oh, oh, what get your, oh, oh, oh.
01:02:19.000 You know, there has to be a little bit of a giggle in there. 1.00
01:02:21.000 Obviously, she can't be going, get the fuck off of me! 1.00
01:02:25.000 Chase is upstairs, and then the next morning, she's like, well, I never! 0.99
01:02:30.000 Oh, my stars!
01:02:32.000 And you're an absolute cad, sir!
01:02:34.000 And then she puts on her petticoat again, and she goes down the stairs going, oh! 0.98
01:02:39.000 And then, you know, you call her, can I see you again?
01:02:42.000 I should think not, the way you've behaved.
01:02:45.000 What about next Thursday?
01:02:47.000 Well, I mean, I get off work at 8, but I may be busy.
01:02:51.000 Let's... I'm not sure.
01:02:54.000 So she keeps it ambiguous, you know, and she's retained her chastity.
01:02:58.000 She's still a lady. 0.98
01:03:00.000 But if, you know, I think lesbians, no, I just said lesbians by accident.
01:03:04.000 Feminists, their world is just like, all right, you having a cigarette the next day? 1.00
01:03:08.000 That was pretty good sex. 1.00
01:03:10.000 I had a good time. 0.96
01:03:11.000 Maybe I'll see you again in a week.
01:03:14.000 We could do other stuff.
01:03:15.000 I actually do that thing I said no to on the fourth date, if you want to stick around, but I got to do dinner each time. 0.85
01:03:21.000 I mean, that's the way prostitutes are. 1.00
01:03:23.000 They lay it all out.
01:03:26.000 I don't want women being preyed upon. 1.00
01:03:29.000 I want those people punished to the full extent of the law.
01:03:31.000 That's why I hate these settlements, these lawsuits, or just the social shaming.
01:03:36.000 I've had my friends who've been lied about.
01:03:40.000 Dove Charney, Terry Richardson, Anthony Cumia, Kale Hartman, all lied about and had their lives destroyed.
01:03:47.000 No, I shouldn't say destroyed, but had their lives deeply affected.
01:03:51.000 And of course, there are cases like Louis C.K. 0.61
01:03:54.000 sounds disgusting.
01:03:55.000 Harvey Weinstein, perfect example of what I'm not talking about right now. 0.99
01:04:00.000 Harvey Weinstein is a disgusting legend.
01:04:02.000 I think Lauren Sivan, after the incident in the basement there, she should have gone to the cops right away. 0.90
01:04:12.000 There's a million- I bet there's a- I bet that's a really heavy case, too.
01:04:15.000 Because, um... I think that, um... It's kidnapping.
01:04:21.000 You know, my buddies stole a picture from an art show.
01:04:24.000 Ryan McGinley.
01:04:26.000 And, uh... Sam Sagalnick.
01:04:27.000 And they jumped in the car.
01:04:28.000 The owner of the gallery chased them.
01:04:31.000 Jumped on top of the car.
01:04:32.000 They took off.
01:04:34.000 They were charged, among other things, theft and blah blah blah, but they were charged with kidnapping.
01:04:39.000 Because you travel more than like four feet with someone against their will, you've kidnapped them.
01:04:44.000 So there's could have been all kinds of crazy charges because she couldn't get out.
01:04:47.000 But anyway, the point of this whole podcast is...
01:04:51.000 That the left are the new Puritans. 1.00
01:04:54.000 They are the church ladies. 0.99
01:04:56.000 They are fascists. 0.98
01:04:58.000 Stalinists. 0.72
01:04:59.000 And what do Stalinists do? 0.97
01:05:00.000 Stalinists kill artists. 0.99
01:05:02.000 They kill art. 0.99
01:05:03.000 They kill fun.
01:05:04.000 They kill comedy.
01:05:05.000 They kill criticism.
01:05:07.000 They kill the creative community. 0.88
01:05:09.000 So it is insane that I am stuck here on the right fighting the artists and the gays and the creative types on their behalf. 0.71
01:05:21.000 All my comedian friends hate me and my crusade is to save comedy from fascism and save jokes and save art. 0.99
01:05:29.000 All these sluts hate me and my quest is to keep sex alive. 1.00
01:05:36.000 To keep fun alive. 1.00
01:05:37.000 Because that's what the West is.
01:05:39.000 The West, we're all refugees really.
01:05:42.000 We're all refugees from the war on fun.
01:05:45.000 And we came here to get away from Eastern Europe.
01:05:48.000 We came here to get away from
01:05:49.000 India, to get away from the fascism of Russia, to get away from the dogmatic totalitarians of the rest of the world.
01:06:01.000 And we made it here and went, finally we can relax and have some fun and have some nuance and say what we want to say.
01:06:08.000 And make mistakes, by the way.
01:06:10.000 The ability to recover from your mistakes is an integral part of Western culture.
01:06:14.000 A second chance is a big deal and we're not doing that anymore.
01:06:18.000 We're having kangaroo courts.
01:06:19.000 Kangaroo courts is for Islam. 1.00
01:06:22.000 Kangaroo courts are for banana republics. 1.00
01:06:24.000 Kangaroo courts are for dictatorships.
01:06:27.000 They don't belong here.
01:06:29.000 We have justice in this country and
01:06:33.000 The West should be about only going to court when we have a serious problem and the rest of us are free to work it out ourselves.
01:06:42.000 And while we're working it out, we're allowed to have fun.
01:06:45.000 And a big part of having fun is riffing.
01:06:49.000 And I know riffing is a rare art form, and I know you're in awe of my incredible talents at riffing, but I hope this podcast has given you a few basic tools.
01:06:59.000 Kind of like when a kid gets a Fisher Price toolbox and it's like a plastic screwdriver.
01:07:06.000 I hope I gave you at least a plastic screwdriver on how to riff, because
01:07:11.000 Joking around is now a revolutionary act.
01:07:16.000 You are Che Guevara if you tell—terrible example of a revolutionary—you are Che Guevara if you tell your bartender there's a leak in your drink. 0.97
01:07:26.000 Please get back to being a goof. 0.85
01:07:29.000 Please get back to not spelling everything out.
01:07:32.000 Let's get back to nuance and have some art back in our lives because that's why we're here.
01:07:38.000 And that's what made us great.
01:07:40.000 See you next time.
01:07:42.000 And I'd like to end this joke with, um, with a joke.
01:07:48.000 Um, a black guy, a Jew and an Irish and sorry, a black guy, a Jew and an Asian. 0.97
01:07:56.000 Walk into an Irish bar.
01:07:58.000 They sit down and the black guy orders a Guinness.
01:08:02.000 The Asian orders a Manhattan. 1.00
01:08:05.000 And the Jew just says, I'll get a white wine. 1.00
01:08:09.000 And the Irish bartender looks up at them as he's cleaning the bar and he goes, What the fuck you guys doing here? 1.00
01:08:14.000 Get out of here. 1.00