This is a story about a guy who got caught with a knife in his bag at the airport by a TSA agent, and how he managed to get away with it. Also, we talk about the time a guy caught a knife on a plane, and the guy who caught him, and what he would do if he found a knife at an airport, and why it s even scarier than it is now. This episode is brought to you by Anchor.fm and produced by Riley Bray. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. Art: Mackenzie Moore Music: Hayden Coplen Editor: Will Witwer Editing: Ben Kuklinski Mixer: Haley Shaw Special thanks to our sponsor, Caff Monster Monster! Thanks to everyone who sent in their stories, and we'll see you next week for the rest of the submissions! Thank you so much for all your support, and stay safe and stay tuned for next week's episode. Stay safe out there, everyone! Cheers, Cheers. Cheers! Cheers from the Chew, Chew and Chew. Chew & Chew! -Jon Jon - The Chew Chew's Dad, Jon "The Chew" Bumpkin and Jon "Bruh" Bunch of Chew & Jon "Sue" Babbitt John "Breezy" Jason "The Donut Man . Jon's Dad's story about how he almost got caught by TSA at the knife in the airport. Jon talks about his trip to NYC. and how it's not being caught by a bag with a bag full of knives in a bag at JFK Airport. And how he's going to make it back in time to New York City. Can't wait to go back to NYC with his next time in the next day to get a little bit in New York? Jon also talks about it. Don't forget to check it out! Jon doesn't have a bag that's better than this one, Jon's story from Boston, New York, so he's not having a knife? Can you do it, can he do it? and so much more! and he talks about how much better than that, Jon thinks it's gonna be better than you can do it in Boston, right?
Transcript
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00:01:12.000And they're nerds, but not nerds in the nice way, like our kind of classic nerd with the pocket protector and the glasses, Revenge of the Nerds nerd.
00:01:27.000That's the new insult that the kids are giving their parents today.
00:01:30.000So they're peasant normies and they go, hmm, and then they, they, I think they might've been Jewish and they go, they're sort of like a Fred Armisen character.
00:01:40.000You know that Fred Armisen character where he has the curly hair and he's really into like free range chicken and Carrie plays another sort of a boring vegan boomer type.
00:02:26.000And I know I look a little weird, like a killer, but I had a suit on and stuff, so it's not like I was wearing a leather jacket with studs on it.
00:04:19.000Like, I've brought my Leatherman on a- uh, not on a plane, they always catch me, but I've accidentally packed my Leatherman a million times.
00:04:26.000And then you have to put it in a little envelope and then they check it as luggage.
00:06:03.000And then you talk to other couples, other kids, and they're like, I guess, I talked to this black chick on the same podcast, and she goes, I guess the worst fight we ever had was when he tried to kill me.
00:06:15.000Speaking of knives, she locked herself in the bathroom, and they had those cheap, you know those doors that Canadians punch through all the time?
00:06:21.000It's like Melba toast, and then wavy cardboard, and then Melba toast.
00:06:30.000It's, it's almost like the door of an SNL set that you're about to just sort of move to another room for when they need it in the next sketch.
00:08:49.000First of all, if you're reading the coolest book in the world, if you're reading Mark Levin or, you know, some really heady Dostoevsky or Love and War and Peace or something, that would be okay, I guess.
00:09:05.000But if you're gonna do that, by the way, why wouldn't you just have the book on tape itself?
00:09:10.000Like with my book on tape, Shameless Plug, Death of Cool, there's sound effects in there and when there's a- I'm talking about my old punk bands, I have tapes of the old punk bands and you can hear the live shows and I have actors.
00:10:15.000So it was a guest on Kumia's show, I'm drawing a blank, but they were talking about Star Wars and they go, you gonna watch the new Star Wars?
00:10:52.000Well, the only thing worse than going to see Star Wars is being super into it and talking about it.
00:10:57.000And, you know, sometimes I look at these millennial Twitter feeds and there's all these anime pictures.
00:11:02.000And if you look at comics now, and I'm not talking about Batman and Superman, but the more sort of, we used to call them alternative comics back in the day.
00:11:09.000And in my day, alternative comics would be like, um, I think it was called Peep Show?
00:11:21.000Ah, fuck, I'm useless at remembering anything at this age.
00:11:23.000But he would- he was this big, fat, sort of jock guy who had a crazy life, and he worked on the oil rigs and stuff, and he'd have different people animate his stuff.
00:11:32.000Or, you know, you had, uh, uh, um, you had Chester Brown, you had Seth, they were pretty- pretty middle-of-the-road, but you had, like, uh, the other guy in that trio, Matt Peepshow.
00:12:14.000That's not what I'm talking about, Ryan.
00:12:16.000But you like, I'm a loser and I'm so lazy and I just want to sit here with my cat and eat Cheetos and just like, I think I guess what I'm looking at is really fat, lonely people drawing skinny people, but maintaining the personality of the sad fatty.
00:13:12.000If you're going on tour with, if you're Fat Mike, and you're on tour with a Mohawk, I mean, unless you're rancid and you're getting paid a million dollars, you are fucking ridiculous.
00:14:12.000Because her life sucked because she was a single mother who was broke.
00:14:15.000I believe she was staying in a shelter.
00:14:18.000And she felt bad because she clearly was negligent if she's living in a place like Scotland, especially Edinburgh, which is drowning in welfare.
00:14:27.000So you already blew it by being a single mom, but you blew it again by not taking advantage of all their insane programs where they basically give you a house if you're on welfare and ending up in a shelter.
00:15:13.000So anyway, we're reading this junkie book.
00:15:16.000But no, so she wrote that as a way for her son, whose life clearly sucked, she's in a cafe, I think I was at the cafe, not because I was a fucking Rowler, and I made up that word, Rowler, by the way, but because I was in Edinburgh at the time and it was just there and then on the wall I go, this is where she wrote the fucking book on heroin.
00:16:34.000She wrote that book as a way to say to him, I know this sucks, but here, go into this wonderful Neverland where you're actually secretly magic and you have to hide it.
00:16:44.000And all these people around you at this cafe, they're muggles and they're normal people and you don't like them.
00:16:51.000It's weird that these normies reading me the book are the enemies of Harry Potter in the story, right?
00:16:57.000He's a magic guy who goes to a magic place where he goes to a magic school.
00:17:00.000I guess he was also trying to make school seem fun.
00:17:02.000And school was probably the nicest place he goes to, her son.
00:17:07.000Now he's probably a cokehead lunatic with a Ferrari.
00:17:11.000That'd be funny if you check in on J.K.
00:17:14.000He's a total Chad douche with a blonde crew cut and gold chains.
00:17:38.000Like, you go to see Spider-Man, which, by the way, has also been ruined by affirmative action, and it has to be about political correctness, and in the last one they don't go into the Washington Monument because it was built by slaves.
00:17:49.000Why are you guys adding slavery to a Spider-Man story?
00:17:51.000And I was at that movie, by the way, because I have kids, not because I was on my way to check out Spidey, not because my Spidey senses were tingling.
00:18:00.000And Spider-Man was clearly made for seven-year-old nerds who get the crap beat out of them and feel like shit, and they want to pretend, just like Harry Potter, that they actually are secretly badasses who could kick the shit out of anyone they wanted to.
00:18:20.000I could spin a web around you, turn you into a papoose, and then send you hurling against those bricks right through the wall and you'd all be dead.
00:18:52.000And if someone's beating me up, I'm either gonna beat them up or try to get some friends to help me beat this guy up who keeps beating me up.
00:19:03.000Not go home and pretend that I have a super suit.
00:19:09.000Anyway, so we're in this car, in this child's, this single junkie mom's, and please don't sue me, JK Rowling, it's all conjecture, this is comedy, in this junkie single mom's fantasy world for a loser kid who lives in a shithole.
00:19:24.000Doesn't interest me at all, but it gets worse.
00:19:27.000So as she's reading this story about how, and you get up to the wall and you can't say the name and the way that the palace school is hidden is when you get near the wall you suddenly forget what you're doing and you turn around and like Dr. Seuss shit!
00:19:41.000Not even cool fiction, like Lord of the Rings.
00:19:44.000It's just little riddles, and oh, there's Voldemort, and Gribblegob, and oh, hi, Boggan, I'm Chibbles, oh, hello!
00:19:54.000Like, they sound like breakfast cereals.
00:19:57.000And as she's telling me the story, she goes, now you're probably going to get lost if you're not a Rowler, but my husband here will fill you in on some of the more complex details.
00:20:20.000Which I think tends to be more blue-collar, Italian, Jewish, and then there's Westchester, which is also Jewish, but slightly more upper-middle class, and that's Protestants, and then you get more Connecticut, then you get more sort of William F. Buckley, Ann Coulter-y, kind of up the Westchester coast, Connecticut ways.
00:21:00.000So they're telling the story, and then Harry walks into a room full of muggle warts.
00:21:07.000And then the dad, they sort of close their eyes, smiling like, oh my god, this must sound so crazy to someone who's not familiar with muggle warts.
00:21:18.000And so he sort of sighs, almost like it's him that's kooky.
00:21:22.000Like if he was playing the guitar really awesomely, like Jimi Hendrix, he'd go...
00:21:27.000Sorry, I kinda have been playing guitar my entire life, so yeah, I can kinda shred.
00:21:47.000So he sort of smiles and he goes, muggle warts are things, and then I forget what it was, it's like things you can't see unless you're in a bad mood and then they fly up your nose and fart and then a giant orange tangerine lands in your hands which you got to eat and then you can fly for two days unless you fart and then you have to land again and apologize to a black crow with a human face.
00:22:25.000And of course it's just like sort of like when you have to go pee but you're feeling really lazy and you manage to put it off and put it off and put it off and the need to pee starts creeping up to the level of lazy.
00:22:36.000And then once it exceeds X and Y becomes 3.7, well then you get up and you go pee, because it's easier.
00:22:45.000So the lazy person would prefer to pee than to sit there and suffer in pain.
00:22:51.000So eventually I put on my headphones and I listened to whatever it was, and the way I said it was I go...
00:22:59.000Um, I am, this book's great, and I'm not a huge Harry Potter guy though, and I'd hate you to take offense to this, but I really want to listen to something I've been listening to, podcast or whatever it was at the time.
00:23:14.000So I was wondering if I could just sort of maybe put my headphones, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, I don't, I don't, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's fine, that's fine.
00:25:04.000Like, there'd be... Like, the whole thing about humanity is memes.
00:25:09.000And no, I don't mean a picture of Pepe the Frog with, uh, I'd like to rock below it.
00:25:15.000That was a terrible meme I just invented.
00:25:18.000I'm talking about the literal dictionary definition of the word meme, and that means to convey stories, and I've said this a million times, but bear with me.
00:25:27.000If a lion eats a monkey, the monkey can't do anything about it when it- like, say a mon- oh, sorry.
00:26:31.000Now I have been bitten by a tiger or a lion, and I know that.
00:26:35.000And now, we have the printing press, you write that down, print it out five million times, now five million people know, be wary of tigers, be wary of giant cats, they're dangerous.
00:26:54.000Because we can have, like, infinite lifetimes in our one lifetime.
00:26:59.000The more you read, the more stories you hear, the more experienced you are.
00:27:02.000You could have lived all over the world if you talked to someone.
00:27:04.000You get a bunch of different insights.
00:27:06.000If you interviewed a hundred people who had lived in China, different parts in China, like white or, you know, Western people who spoke English perfectly and understood Western culture, and they could tell you, here's the thing about the Chinese.
00:28:23.000You'd be trying to seduce a woman, and there's that weird zone where they want you to try really hard, even though they're pretending they don't, but you also don't want to get charged with rape or anything Me Too.
00:28:34.000Now, this is back in the early 2000s when I was single, so there wasn't this sort of, I didn't like it two years later kind of stuff.
00:28:41.000So you'd push it and push it, and then you'd realize, alright, this is a no.
00:28:47.000I'm just like, do you want to do it or not?
00:28:48.000I mean, I'll pretend that, you know, I'm really pushing it, but I'd rather just, you know, snotted right now.
00:28:56.000And if you don't want to, good, I don't want to fuck someone who doesn't want to fuck me.
00:28:59.000That's not, that's why I could never get prostitutes.
00:29:01.000Because it's someone who is so repulsed by you and your penis, she has to put a latex thing on it to put it in her mouth.
00:29:09.000That's like it's a dare, and it's a frozen piece of poo.
00:29:13.000I don't want my, my dick's not a frozen piece of poo.
00:29:16.000I want you to be crying you want it so bad.
00:29:21.000Anyway, in China, you never know how people feel.
00:29:27.000So if you, like I taught English there for a while and I'd get fired and they just leave a note on the door saying, Ching Sau has gone to Hong Kong to be, do secretarial work.
00:30:06.000She'd never talked, and she had pretty good English.
00:30:09.000A lot of the English teaching there, and if you get really established, you get to these kind of clients, and it's easiest clients.
00:30:15.000They speak 97% perfect English, but they want to learn things like swear words, they want to learn things like, you say it's 10 after, you say it's 20 after, but then you don't say it's 30 after, you say it's 12-30, and then you say it's 10-2, but you never say it's 42, right?
00:30:41.000And I don't know how we got here, but she started talking about the housewives and what they do, and a lot of them have, like, Louis Vuitton purses, but we're all secretaries and stuff, we don't really make money, and how do you get that?
00:30:51.000And she said, well, some of these women are prostitutes.
00:30:55.000Like, they will sleep with someone else's husband, and they'll get money.
00:32:01.000And by the way, I was still at work the whole time.
00:32:02.000So correcting her every time she says something wrong and it's pronounced Louis Vuitton and it's called anal, you know, no, it never got to that, but I'm correcting her.
00:33:50.000So they sort of kept reading and I hope, you know what, I hope it occurred to them that their Harry Potter book was ridiculous and at the very least listen to a book on tape and at the very least listen to a book on tape that's of your demographic, of your age group, and at the very least make it a nonfiction book.
00:34:08.000Jesus Christ, you guys could be, it's four hours we're in here.
00:34:11.000I was probably listening to something very educational
00:34:16.000So we get there and they drop me off in Westchester.
00:34:19.000I think I split the... I think it was 400 bucks for the car.
00:35:02.000That I didn't like Harry fucking Potter.
00:35:05.000What is going on in America where we are so into... This is the two things we're into.
00:35:12.000Nazis are everywhere and little kids' culture rules.
00:35:18.000And of course they conflate with, I think, two Star Wars ago where one of the writers said, in case he tweets out, in case there's any doubt, the Death Star is white supremacy.
00:35:30.000And the fucking Jedis, whatever they're called, are the resistance.
00:35:38.000It's like what Jim Goetz says, how brave.
00:35:41.000How brave you are to be against Nazis.
00:35:46.000What else are you, against pain and Mondays?
00:36:42.000Their labs look like that, like CSI Miami, where they have those rooms where they can reenact the blood splatters.
00:36:49.000And then they have another room where they can trace the paper of the wine bottle where it was manufactured.
00:36:56.000Whenever I watch that show, I'm like, maybe these taxpayers don't quite need to be spending billions of dollars on the local Miami police lab.
00:37:11.000If it saves us two billion, let the guy with the wine paper go and we'll just catch the guy who still has the gun in his hand.
00:37:19.000That's probably 99.9% of criminals anyway.
00:37:24.000So when you have a marathon for your friends, and you have fuck cancer on your shirt, and I'm glad it brings you all together, but it is a totally meaningless gesture, and I feel mean saying this, but when you raise a thousand dollars, and then all your friends together manages to raise three, and the whole marathon
00:37:44.000Which probably cost about $40,000, manages to raise $70,000.
00:40:08.000They just wanted to be shocking and mean and they kind of wanted revenge on society.
00:40:14.000And we were rich kids who I think felt guilty that, you know, rich middle class.
00:40:19.000We were middle class kids that felt guilty that our parents grew up blue collar and were tough and had a hardscrabble life and we'd have nothing but luxury and a swimming pool and a waterbed.
00:42:15.000It's hard to imagine, but right here in our community, there are families living out of their cars, parents skipping meals so their kids will have enough to eat, and folks who can't afford electricity.
00:42:26.000But you can help them win these battles against poverty by giving to The Salvation Army, where your donations give struggling families the support they need to stay afloat.