Comedian and actor John Hamm joins Jemele to discuss the perils of sex in marriage, and why he doesn t want to have sex with his wife. Plus, he talks about a recent movie he did in Times Square, and how he feels about his wife's weight gain. And why he thinks she's a "big fat pig." And how he thinks his wife is a "chunky pig." And why his wife doesn't want him to get a tattoo of a guy's name on her butt. And what's the worst thing he's ever done to his wife? Oh, and he also talks about how he's going to get revenge on his wife for being a big fat pig, because he's not sure she wants him to have a baby, because she's not getting any more than she already has. The rest is history, folks, and we're going to talk about it. Logo by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. This episode was produced and edited by David Fincher. Additional music by Jeff Kaale and Mark Phillips. It was mixed by Patrick Muldowney. If you liked this episode, please leave us a rating and review on Apple Podcasts! and a review on iTunes. Thank you so much for all your support, it really means a lot to us and we really appreciate it. We really appreciate all the support we've gotten from you. Thank you for all the people who've been listening, supporting us. -Merry Christmas and supporting us, everyone! -Jemele and I hope you enjoy this episode and all the love you're listening to this episode. XOXO -Podcasts by John Hamm and we'll see you in the next episode of Gimlet Media and all of your support and support us in the future with a new episode of this podcast. . -Jon Sorrentino - Thank you, Jon Taffer (and we'll send you back next week for all of the love and support you can see it on social media and all that's going out to the rest of the world. and we appreciate you all of you're being awesome, Jon's words of support and love you'll hear you back in the airwaves, too much love, all of that's good vibes and all good things.
Transcript
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00:00:06.000I'm not going to talk about the sex I have with my wife.
00:00:11.000Suffice to say, the trope about how, why would you want to have a cheeseburger every night for the rest of your life when you could have different food every night?
00:00:20.000That's the sort of bachelor's retort against marriage.
00:00:50.000Also, another lie about marriage sex is that it's, you get lesbian bed death, LBD, as soon as you're married.
00:00:58.000That's true when you have kids, simply because you can't facilitate it because there's a bunch of toddlers in your bed.
00:01:06.000You gotta follow the dad on Instagram, by the way, because he has a great parody of paranormal activity, but it's not about a monster or a ghost coming into your room at night, it's your four-year-old.
00:01:20.000And then once the kids get older and get independent and sort of leave you alone, the sex goes back up again.
00:01:27.000It's like my friend Fred from Brooklyn said, he goes, Been married 40 years.
00:01:56.000Every time you try to compliment a woman, you dig a deeper hole.
00:02:11.000One time I did this documentary called A Million in the Morning, and it was about the movie-watching world championships.
00:02:19.000I don't know if it's available anywhere, like most of my movies, but we sat with people while they watched movies for five days, I think, is the world record.
00:03:41.000And so, after three days of getting along with her great, she sort of rewrote the whole three days, and it was all a big, you know, sarcastic joke.
00:03:52.000And I was actually mocking her, and this whole documentary was about her being a big fat pig.
00:05:22.000You're mad that someone from the post office has ever been here?
00:05:27.000I was talking to a friend of mine's sister and uh she told me that I'm giving you this news source so you know that you don't necessarily have to take it to the bank but she told me there's a thing with millennial women now where they have a real problem with distended anuses like anal whatever you call it like when your anal anus is destroyed I bet old gays get it but young girls are getting it because sex with millennials now is straight to porn
00:06:06.000It should be kind of uncool until you're 25.
00:06:13.000Sex should be, say you're 15, 16, and you're sort of sitting on the floor.
00:06:19.000I remember there was, when we were teenagers, maybe 14, we heard that this guy, Trevor, in our school, he sat on a basement floor with his girlfriend, and they took their shirts off, and they just sort of touched each other, touched each other's areas, not in a passionate way, just sort of almost like a curious way.
00:06:36.000And we all thought that was so funny and ha ha ha, what a loser.
00:06:40.000And I look back at it now and I think, how sweet.
00:07:22.000I would argue that none of us are like that.
00:07:24.000Even dudes, I mean, outside of rock stars or whatever, but even dudes who are fucking lots of chicks, I think even that night as they crawl into bed, they're sort of thinking, this could be something serious.
00:09:10.000They took me to one thing where it was two dogs and and they were it was a statue two porcelain black porcelain dogs side by side and they were on a beach by the water and everyone was praying to them and touching them and trying to be part of them and I said what's what were these dogs and they said it was two dogs
00:09:32.000The sailors went out on a fishing boat around here.
00:10:04.000Something about these podcasts, like, you're smarter in other ways, and you'll come up with words that you hadn't said in a while, like pulchritudinous, but then also, at the same time, there's a hole in your brain where you won't remember your dad's name.
00:12:59.000And he was doing this sort of like the...
00:13:05.000The, um, orca whale, whatever, would come out of the water, the killer whale, and they'd feed it fish and stuff, and you could stand on its nose, and then you could do a flip and all that stuff, so they had all the Chinese guys doing regular stuff, but there was this patsy, this fall guy, and it was an American black dude, and he was, like, slippin' on banana peels, and he fell in the water, and I'm a dumb black dude!
00:18:01.000You know, I played the guitar for so long trying to make a sound, but when you do that shit with your mouth, it makes me want to light my guitar on fire again.
00:18:12.000Light it up like Woodstock, you know what I'm saying?
00:18:40.000So 24-7 Spies are playing that, and then they want to do- Fishbone were doing this thing at the time called a celebration of heterosexuality.
00:18:47.000Which in my old age now, it sounds awesome.
00:19:04.000So they go they go we want to bring all the woman on the stage This is fucking New Year's Eve by the way let the woman on the fucking stage Gavin So they're pulling women on stage, but this is a punk club Okay, this is not spring break.
00:19:17.000I don't want woman on the stage being exploited so He posted on the stage this could have been could have been psychosomatic but I felt like some of them didn't want to be on the stage and in my mind they were being exploited and
00:19:52.000Uh, he's pulling people on the stage and they're dancing on the stage, and I get it in my head that this is bullshit, that this is exploitation, this is wrong.
00:20:00.000So I wait by, after the show, I wait by the sort of, the door to the green room, and I just go, I'm giving them the finger, going...
00:20:08.000You gotta fucking make women get naked and entertain us?
00:20:35.000Just fucking nails me right in the face.
00:20:38.000I think my head may have hit the wall behind me.
00:20:42.000And, um... That's when I realized that your personal dogma might not apply to every single person in the world, and they might not want it shoved down their throat when they're trying to have fun.
00:21:04.000I remember what I'm talking about, and sex is your most sacred thing.
00:21:10.000And I know a lot of dudes throw it around, but... And they definitely see it as less valuable than women, and I think that's perfectly natural, but I... It's not absolutely nothing to men.
00:21:21.000Like, fucking a blow-up doll isn't funny, it's inexplicably sad.
00:21:26.000I could make myself cry if I think about a guy fucking a blow-up doll or a sex robot, and it's not at a bachelor party, and it's not a joke.
00:23:08.000They each have 14 orgasms and then he...
00:23:13.000Goes out again and they have a shower and never talk about it again.
00:23:18.000But, I know this is a weird subject, but I just, I'm saddened by how raunchy millennial sex is.
00:23:25.000And I talk to these people, and these dating apps happened after I got married, but I talk to these youngsters on it, and they just, like, some of the guys go, you know, I just got tired of being blown by sixes.
00:24:37.000But, uh, I think that, uh, I just had a brain fart.
00:24:43.000I remember this article I read in the New York Times that talked about horrible things men have done sexually, and it was a bunch of, their faces were blurred, and it was like, I couldn't read the article, but it was like, we gang raped a chick, or we made fun of this girl, or we pulled up her dress and we saw it, or we fucked this girl and got her pregnant and we made fun of her when she was pregnant.
00:25:28.000When you talk to baby boomers about sex, even the cool ones that smoke a marijuana doobie once in a while, they don't talk about gangbangs.
00:25:39.000They don't talk about the girl they raped.
00:25:41.000They talk about this one, like Howard Stern talks about his parents, and he goes, yeah, I fingered another girl, but that was my second love was your mother.
00:25:51.000I hate when he talks about his parents, by the way, and that imitation is infuriating.
00:25:55.000But boomers, and I assume everyone before them, they had a pretty normal sex life.
00:25:59.000They probably would have some heavy petting, as they called it, in the back of the rumble seat at the drive-in.
00:26:05.000I was doing air quotes that whole time.
00:26:07.000But then, you know, they eventually realized, I want to have a lot of sex, and you got to get married for that, so I'm going to marry this chick.
00:26:14.000And these people who get married young, their marriages tend to do much better than people who marry late, because their habits form together.
00:26:37.000Like, I had a pretty- I had a very normal sex life.
00:26:40.000Um, 17, I lost it, but I remember even- even then it was kind of, uh, enforced.
00:26:47.000This is in my book, but there was a girl, Big- Big K, we'll call her, and we all lost our virginity to her.
00:26:53.000I think she'd been molested by her dad.
00:26:55.000And she went on to have five kids and then leave them to go pursue a career in crack.
00:27:00.000I know, it's not a very middle-class story.
00:27:03.000So, um, all the guys called me and they said, alright, Kimmy's ready, she wants to do it with you, and if you don't do it, we're gonna beat the shit out of you because you're 17 and you're the last one.
00:27:11.000So I went over there and, um, we horsed around and we did it.
00:27:57.000Yeah, I think these, these, we've totally, every time someone talks about divorce, they talk about, I felt good and I could have ramen noodles for dinner and whatever I wanted.
00:28:06.000And then when I was with my kids, I would see them and I would be, my batteries are fully charged and I was happy to hang out with them and they were never getting on my nerves because I only saw them once a week, a week.
00:28:14.000And you go, yeah, that sucks for them.
00:28:17.000No one ever talks about what divorce does to kids.
00:28:19.000It's always like I could finally buy a car, a convertible and I had a new girlfriend.
00:28:27.000I think not only does it pollute their minds and make them feel bad about, you know, the here and now, and I have less... I have half a dad, and now I have a new dad and a stepdad, and can he tell me when I have to go to bed?
00:29:04.000I was talking to Jennifer and she said that, um, she'll never get married because, um, if it didn't work out with you and Dad, then why bother?
00:29:12.000And I think it kind of put her off, you know?
00:29:15.000And I thought, hey, what your niece just said contradicts what you just said.
00:29:19.000Apparently the piece of paper matters.
00:29:23.000So I realized going back over this horrible article that it's not indicative of men and women and their relationships over time and you don't know that there's tons of rape going on.
00:29:36.000That does have a semblance of truth but it's from 1980 till probably the 90s and it is a direct result of divorce.
00:29:47.000Now the era we're in now is even worse in many ways.
00:29:52.000Sex is so meaningless, sometimes the rape doesn't register.
00:29:57.000For example, I was talking to, I forget her name, at Fox News.
00:30:03.000She went and researched Spring Break in Florida, and Sean Hannity kept pushing it, and Jon Stewart made fun of him and said, oh, looks like Sean can't handle a party.
00:30:18.000But Sean's point was, it's not a party anymore, it's a rape fest.
00:30:23.000And what happens is these girls will do oxy, and they'll be dead to the world, and then these guys will quote-unquote run a train on them, where seven guys will be fornicating on the beach with this woman who's basically half alive on opioids, and then walk away laughing.
00:31:07.000But I talked to a woman who was talking to sheriffs down there, and she said, the sheriffs were saying, we're trying to prosecute these guys for rape, but the woman are like, whatever.
00:31:21.000They were just like, whoops, I slipped.
00:31:24.000I got a little too wasted on the vodoxyroxy.
00:31:29.000And the 17 guys had a lot of fun, whoopsie doopsie.
00:31:33.000Like, that's the kind of thing that traumatizes you for the rest of your life.
00:31:38.000And they were just saying- they were treating it like nothing.
00:31:41.000And I think it's- I- I- I think a lot of that has to do with divorce and this whole, like, slut culture thing.
00:31:47.000Now, I know I sound like a hypocrite because I started Vice.
00:31:50.000And we were a big part of that culture.
00:31:53.000Fuckin' had to suck a dick- I wrote The Vice Guide to Eating Pussy.
00:31:59.000But it wasn't, uh, totally debase yourself until you're a useless piece of garbage and let everyone walk all over you.
00:32:08.000I wasn't quite going for that when I said enjoy sex.
00:32:13.000And a lot of these older spinster feminists who run blogs, they have fallen into that trap.
00:32:19.000And there they are, getting booty calls at four in the morning, old and alone.
00:32:24.000And so that's the end of that sort of run, right?
00:32:27.000It's just being a colostomy bag for someone else's excretions.
00:32:32.000But the beginning of that is your teens and early twenties and pornography and these dating apps have just led to them having like the most, I will call it advanced.
00:32:44.000I mean, I'm not saying it's evil to do crazy moves like that, but it's, it's basically the Olympics and these kids are doing Olympic sports and they're, they're getting,
00:33:47.000My neighbors are terrorizing me for supporting Trump and, you know, the usual threatening me with coming to my home, sending news crews to my house, threatening candlelight vigils to stamp out hate, making my children feel unwelcome,
00:34:09.000You know, that kind of regular neighborly stuff that you do when you're married to a vegan, liberal American Indian who voted for Hillary, but you dared to like Trump and you need to be punished for that.
00:34:37.000Don't you worry your pretty little head about that.
00:34:39.000You need to worry your pretty little head about sleeping.
00:34:43.000That's what really defines health, you know.
00:34:46.000You need eight hours, you need nine hours.
00:34:47.000And you don't, you shouldn't be too drunk, too.
00:34:50.000That's when you wake up at three in the morning with the horrors.
00:34:53.000So one of the best ways to get a good night's sleep is, of course, with purple mattress.
00:34:59.000The Purple Mattress will probably feel different than anything you've ever experienced because it uses this brand new material that was developed by an actual rocket scientist.
00:35:08.000It was not like the memory foam I'm used to.
00:35:10.000The Purple material feels very unique because it's both firm and soft at the same time, so it keeps everything supported while feeling really comfortable.
00:35:19.000Plus, it's breathable, so it sleeps cool.
00:36:09.000And you know what, even if you don't want a purple mattress, can you just buy one or do that text so the people who make this podcast happen can love me more?
00:36:22.000I'm not very good at that kind of stuff.
00:36:23.000Like, Steven Crowder's great at the Mug Club stuff, and of course Alex Jones is great at all the pills and stuff, but I've never been a good salesman.
00:36:32.000The way I've always made money in the past is I've just found a good salesman and said, can you come with me while we do this and you can do the talking about how to sell it?
00:36:41.000Because when people say no to things I'm selling, I want to punch them because I get so pissed off.
00:37:13.000The hacker is the guy who gets all the technology of it all and can facilitate it, so it's great to do hot rods, but if you're getting expensive parts, and you're spending too much money, you've lost your net, and you're not making money, you're gonna shut down.
00:37:39.000These guys, they can get knocked down a hundred times like more than a Chumbawamba song and just come back and go, Hey, this is going to be a great project.
00:37:52.000And they get a lot of stigma thanks to used cars, salesmen, tropes of the 70s and 80s, but they've made me a ton of dough over the years, and even more dough for themselves.
00:38:02.000So don't shit on Hustlers, they're a third of what you need to survive.
00:38:06.000That'll probably, probably, probably, wow that's a tough word to say.