Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes


GOML LIVE #175 - JOKER'S WILD (Part 1)


Summary

Tim Dickman and Matty O'Dell talk about Kanye West's new album YAY! and the dumbest Halloween costumes they've ever worn. Plus, a new fundraising campaign to help pay for Max and John's medical bills. Get Off My Lawn Live is now live on CensoredTV. Go to censoredtv.org/getoffmylawn and use the promo code GETOFFMYLawn to get 20% off your first month with discount code "censored" at checkout. Get off my lawn LIVE is a free, ad-free live show produced and hosted by Matt and Tim. Get OFF MY LODGE LIVE! To find a list of our sponsors and show-related promo codes, go to gimlet.fm/sponsors and use coupon code "GOTAWAY" for $10 OFF MYLawn. Thanks to our sponsor, Fancy Feast! Fancy Feast is a husband and wife team from Chicago covering Yay! covering Kanye West s new album Yay Now! covering the album, Thank You Yay by Kanye West and his wife Yee! in honor of his new album, Thank You, Kanye West! Thank Yay, Kanye! by the late, great Kanye West. Thank you for being a good friend of the show, Yay now! and thank you for helping us raise money for Max, John, Max and Max, Max, and the rest of our families. We appreciate you, Max & John. You are the most importantly, we love you, we appreciate you. - thank you, thank you so much, we really appreciate you! xoxo, Max Tim, Tim, Matty, & the rest, and the Effing, Thank you, Jack And the rest. XOXO, Jack, Tim and the gang. Tim & the gang XO, Cheers, Tim and Jack, Matt, (and the rest! (Alyssa) ( ) . Thanks, Jack and the Crew & the Crew at Gorms, , and the team at Gage, and all the rest at G&G , Jack, GAB ( ) and the boys at G & G ( ) . (Thank you for all the support we can't wait to do this!


Transcript

00:00:02.000 I propose a toast!
00:00:53.000 Welcome back to Get Off My Lawn Live on Censored.TV.
00:00:57.000 I'd like to welcome my co-hosts, Tim Dickman.
00:01:00.000 Hello.
00:01:02.000 And Matty O'Dell.
00:01:04.000 What's up, everybody?
00:01:06.000 That was Fancy Feast, a husband and wife team from Chicago covering Yay!
00:01:13.000 He has a mononym, yay now.
00:01:16.000 Kanye West, that was what, 214?
00:01:19.000 2014, that song, that album, College Dropout.
00:01:23.000 I remember being really mad that my kid's public school had his book in the library.
00:01:32.000 Cause there's a chapter in it called the College Dropout.
00:01:34.000 No, the Dropout.
00:01:36.000 And it's written in kid text.
00:01:37.000 It's like, you know, quarter inch high font.
00:01:42.000 And my kids are being taught that it's good to drop out.
00:01:45.000 It is good to drop out, but you don't tell them that.
00:01:48.000 It's like Santa.
00:01:51.000 Uh, as you know, this show goes free for the first half hour or so.
00:01:57.000 And then we go behind the paywall.
00:02:00.000 We take super chats here to raise money for Max and John.
00:02:03.000 I think we're at 23 grand.
00:02:06.000 We have a new fundraiser coming out.
00:02:09.000 What are you doing over there?
00:02:12.000 Nothing.
00:02:13.000 Could you be dressed worse?
00:02:14.000 Yes.
00:02:15.000 I could be wearing... You could be wearing abortions, I guess.
00:02:18.000 I could be wearing abortions.
00:02:19.000 I could be wearing actual shit.
00:02:21.000 You could be wearing something racist.
00:02:23.000 That's the worst thing in the world.
00:02:24.000 I could be wearing something sexist, homophobic.
00:02:27.000 You look like a friend of a Batman villain who sells candy.
00:02:31.000 So the Joker's like, we're gonna get him, boys.
00:02:33.000 And I'm like, yeah, I'll sell them candy.
00:02:37.000 It'll be poison candy with razor blades.
00:02:41.000 Yeah, that's your role.
00:02:43.000 Why do you dress up like that?
00:02:44.000 But then I have an arc where I doubt what I'm doing, where I'm like... Maybe the Batman's right, boss.
00:02:50.000 He's like, what did you say?
00:02:51.000 And I'm like... You know, when I grew up, I always thought that...
00:02:56.000 I would be a dockhand like my dad.
00:02:58.000 And I joined you, Joker, because pretty good digs.
00:03:01.000 But this Batman, he stands up for what's right.
00:03:03.000 And then he kills me in front of all the other henchmen, and I'm like a tragic thing that you showed.
00:03:07.000 I like that part.
00:03:08.000 That's my favorite part of this story.
00:03:11.000 Nothing wrong with that.
00:03:12.000 Because I died.
00:03:13.000 Can you fast forward to that part next time you tell this story?
00:03:16.000 You'd be sad if I died.
00:03:18.000 You'd all be sad.
00:03:19.000 Yeah, you'd probably lie at your bed at night and imagine your funeral and imagine people crying.
00:03:25.000 No, I haven't planned my funeral unlike you, who's like, oh, I want a funeral that's a party.
00:03:31.000 I have a cool funeral plan.
00:03:33.000 Remember when my daughter was like four, she goes, I can't remember how it came up, but she was talking about if she died, and she's like, then I would die and you'd have a funeral, and I go, yeah, I guess.
00:03:45.000 I don't want to talk about this.
00:03:46.000 Yeah, it's kind of morbid, but.
00:03:48.000 And then she goes, and she just bursts out crying, she goes,
00:03:52.000 Would you be so sad?
00:03:59.000 Yes, I'd be pretty upset if you died, toddler.
00:04:02.000 By the way, look at Tim's totally in focus shoes.
00:04:06.000 Oh dude, everyone said last week you had shit on the bottom of your shoe.
00:04:10.000 Oh, is that why they were asking me about my boots?
00:04:12.000 Yeah.
00:04:13.000 That's possible.
00:04:14.000 He's out of focus though.
00:04:15.000 Okay.
00:04:16.000 We'll fix this together.
00:04:18.000 Yeah, he looks like a low-res JPEG.
00:04:21.000 That looks like when you're researching someone who wrote an inflammatory article about Proud Boys and you're like, who the fuck is this person?
00:04:28.000 And then you Google it and you get one, on page three you get a low-res JPEG and you're like, you don't really exist.
00:04:35.000 76 megapixels.
00:04:37.000 No, 76 by 76.
00:04:45.000 This is the dumbest outfit you've ever worn.
00:04:45.000 What?
00:04:49.000 Dude, if you're wearing a plaid suit, then everything else has to be bare bones, nothing like a white shirt and a black tie.
00:04:58.000 It's very busy.
00:04:59.000 You don't wear a candy tie and a turquoise pocket square, you freak.
00:05:04.000 No, it's well, it's supposed to be festive, like a very, very festive.
00:05:07.000 You look like a party clown at a children's birthday party.
00:05:11.000 Well, I'm not that.
00:05:13.000 Oh, touche.
00:05:15.000 Well, you can't see the pants.
00:05:16.000 I need a fashion pants.
00:05:19.000 Yeah, dark.
00:05:19.000 Your blazer's always gotta be darker than your pants.
00:05:23.000 What are you carrying in your hand there?
00:05:26.000 My seat.
00:05:27.000 Some people at the edge of my seat.
00:05:29.000 I have the seat by the edge.
00:05:31.000 Alright, let's stop talking to that person.
00:05:35.000 Yeah, the opening band was Fancy Feast.
00:05:40.000 Husband and wife team from Chicago.
00:05:43.000 Great guys.
00:05:44.000 They probably would be mortified to know that they're introducing this show, but he's got a good song called I'm Sick of My Wife.
00:05:52.000 I wonder if they're still around.
00:05:53.000 This is obviously a long time ago.
00:05:55.000 They did the cover of an album that's from 2014.
00:05:57.000 Eight years, yeah.
00:06:00.000 That's around when Nick was calling my show about yay, and now yeah Nick Nick is running yeas He's kind of like you know what I don't want to disparage yay, but Nick in the air kind of like master blaster and They kind of run barter town Nice hmm.
00:06:19.000 That's the funniest thing I've ever said, but okay.
00:06:22.000 I'll give you guys like an hour to digest Is he the his campaign manager or I
00:06:30.000 He's kind of what?
00:06:31.000 Ye is an artist, right?
00:06:33.000 So when he talks about stuff, it's very floral and ethereal and subjective.
00:06:33.000 Yes.
00:06:41.000 And then Nick will come in and go, well, actually, you know, they were there and then the borders of Israel in 1974 were not what they were today.
00:06:50.000 I mean, they're encroaching on Gaza and he'll fill in the gaps.
00:06:54.000 So it's actually a formidable force, those two.
00:07:00.000 He's the yang to the yang.
00:07:02.000 Yeah.
00:07:03.000 Ping pong.
00:07:04.000 Now we have no ad reads tonight because our sales guy, uh, not only is fired, but I think may have been ripping us off.
00:07:11.000 I have to speak.
00:07:12.000 I have to tread lightly because we may end up in court, but I have a feeling that our sponsors have been paying him and not, it's not translating over to the big guys upstairs.
00:07:25.000 So we have some weird hippie with the giant beard that goes down to his crotch.
00:07:31.000 Uh, cause he's a friend of mine handling the sales thing, but I don't think people in the business world understand how incredibly rare sales is as a gift.
00:07:40.000 It is an albino talent.
00:07:43.000 And if you have a sales guy, you got a company.
00:07:45.000 Why was vice so big?
00:07:47.000 I'm not going to lie.
00:07:48.000 Shane Smith.
00:07:49.000 Sure.
00:07:49.000 I had some quirky takes for the content, but if there's no sales dude there selling it,
00:07:56.000 You're making a fanzine and it's big in Montreal.
00:08:00.000 You're the funniest guy in Montreal.
00:08:02.000 Cool.
00:08:03.000 Way to go.
00:08:04.000 Rooster, my ad agency.
00:08:06.000 If I didn't have that sales guy, I don't even want to say his name because I don't want to sully his reputation, but he's the one who made us the millions.
00:08:15.000 Even with this, with Censored.TV, there is of course the incredible sales prowess of Ryan.
00:08:23.000 Just kidding, he's retarded.
00:08:25.000 It's a different guy.
00:08:28.000 Damn you, McInnes!
00:08:30.000 But our sales dude was not a good sales dude, and I fired him, and I think he was still taking checks, so...
00:08:37.000 It's good for you, because you have no ad sales tonight.
00:08:40.000 We should get it back.
00:08:42.000 It's not that much money, though.
00:08:44.000 Wait, hold on a second.
00:08:46.000 Matty?
00:08:47.000 Yes?
00:08:47.000 You okay?
00:08:49.000 Are you sad, Matty?
00:08:51.000 No, I was in Willy Wonka's chocolate factory.
00:08:54.000 Oh, did you eat one of the- You fucking idiot!
00:08:56.000 He told you not to go into that vat!
00:08:59.000 I know.
00:09:01.000 Come on, guys!
00:09:02.000 Matty, Matty, Matty.
00:09:03.000 Always, I want it now, Daddy.
00:09:05.000 I want a new Palumpa.
00:09:06.000 Well, I hope you fucking learned your lesson.
00:09:08.000 Veruca.
00:09:08.000 You look like a damn... The rules were very clear when you walked into that factory, but no!
00:09:13.000 Fucking, yeah, give me the fucking thing.
00:09:16.000 Mr. Ex-con had to break the rule!
00:09:18.000 I'm not good at following the rules or the law.
00:09:21.000 Well, I hope you like being blue, da-ba-dee-da-ba-di.
00:09:23.000 Gonna take me to the juicing bin.
00:09:26.000 We're also wearing our I Don't Break for Queefs shirts.
00:09:28.000 Yes.
00:09:29.000 This comes from the concept of you're making love to a lady and she has a vaginal fart.
00:09:34.000 Would you stop and go, whoa, what was that?
00:09:36.000 No, you would not.
00:09:37.000 Nope.
00:09:38.000 You plow through queefs without a second thought.
00:09:41.000 Just air getting in there.
00:09:42.000 Yep.
00:09:44.000 And it goes back to my hatred of jokey songs.
00:09:48.000 Art, sex, they should be serious.
00:09:51.000 Sacred.
00:09:52.000 You should not be riffing during intercourse.
00:09:54.000 You can riff immediately after.
00:09:56.000 You can roll off and be like, I think that one took, if you're trying to get your wife pregnant.
00:10:02.000 But during the act, no jokes.
00:10:06.000 Queefs are fine.
00:10:10.000 Also, I would like to announce the Hi-Viz shirts are coming in time for Christmas.
00:10:14.000 The reason I haven't sent them up until today is because I'm a cheap asshole.
00:10:21.000 And it was the dumbest thing I've ever done.
00:10:22.000 I said, send me your high-vis tees and I'll send you one of ours.
00:10:28.000 So now I have 40 boxes of high-vis tees, which I don't wear.
00:10:33.000 I don't want.
00:10:34.000 That was dumb of me.
00:10:35.000 I can't.
00:10:36.000 It gets into the Larper Valley where I'm not a high-vis guy.
00:10:39.000 So I look like a fucking idiot.
00:10:40.000 So they're just sitting in my closet.
00:10:42.000 And now I have to pay, I'm going to say $1,300.
00:10:44.000 Sending you back the shirts you sent me.
00:10:51.000 Let's call it advertising.
00:10:52.000 I don't know.
00:10:52.000 It was not.
00:10:53.000 This is why you need a good sales guy to tell you, no, don't do that.
00:10:57.000 That's a bad investment.
00:11:00.000 So you'll be getting those.
00:11:00.000 It happened because Josh Denny, when I was in LA, he was talking about this dude who ripped off everyone who contributed to his thing.
00:11:07.000 He's like, yeah, he said he was going to send them this shit and didn't do it.
00:11:10.000 And I was like, holy fuck, that's me.
00:11:14.000 I did that too.
00:11:15.000 I got to get those high vis tees out before Christmas.
00:11:19.000 Also, show notes!
00:11:23.000 $20 a show note plus shipping and handling you Australians are gonna have to pay but uh When I throw the show notes out, I've been saving them.
00:11:31.000 I'll show you I've got a stack this big So I'll take that to the post office tomorrow send it to our distributor and for 20 bucks You can have the show notes and a hundred percent of the proceeds go to Joe Biggs's trial.
00:11:43.000 So the super chats are to Max and John and this is to Joe Biggs he
00:11:51.000 To be clear, Joe Biggs is charged for insurrection.
00:11:55.000 He went to, he had zero plan, I can promise you that.
00:11:57.000 I can prove it actually.
00:11:59.000 He went to the Capitol on January 6th, saw the chaos going on.
00:12:02.000 He enjoyed it, I'm not gonna lie.
00:12:04.000 He probably loved it.
00:12:06.000 He thought, this is crazy, holy fuck, it's going down.
00:12:09.000 Then he went into the building.
00:12:11.000 After all the damage was done, he went into the building.
00:12:13.000 I'm not gonna lie, he did trespass.
00:12:15.000 He went pee-pee.
00:12:17.000 He pulled out his penis, he circumcised, didn't have to recede his foreskin.
00:12:21.000 He urinated into a porcelain, sort of a bowl shape.
00:12:26.000 Then he shook it, got a little bit on his hand.
00:12:29.000 I'm not going to lie.
00:12:30.000 Four drops.
00:12:31.000 And then he didn't wash his hands.
00:12:33.000 He went like this with his piss hand, as we are wont to do.
00:12:38.000 It's a Proud Boys thing.
00:12:39.000 And then as he walked out of the bathroom, a cop said, dude, can you just get out of here?
00:12:44.000 This is this is really bad.
00:12:46.000 And Joe went, all right.
00:12:48.000 And he walked out.
00:12:49.000 20 years.
00:12:50.000 He's facing 20 years in prison for that.
00:12:53.000 Seems a little intense for a guy who, he's not poor by the way, he was like upper middle class, his parents were very wealthy and after 9-11 he went, I don't want to pursue law or hedge funds, I want to go fight for my country.
00:13:10.000 So he joined the army and he earned two Purple Hearts.
00:13:14.000 He got shot at, he went to Afghanistan, he went to Iraq, he had an IED blow up his Hummer
00:13:21.000 We talked about this on the show, where he's in midair looking at a pen in slow motion.
00:13:29.000 Lands sideways, gets out.
00:13:31.000 It's still a shootout!
00:13:32.000 After his Hummer was sent flying, he still had to fucking fight for his life.
00:13:39.000 But yeah.
00:13:40.000 He had his VA benefits rescinded.
00:13:43.000 He doesn't get any money from the VA anymore.
00:13:46.000 How dare you?
00:13:47.000 Fuck you.
00:13:48.000 The trial's not, hasn't even begun and they've, you're guilty till proven innocent.
00:13:53.000 So start buying those show notes.
00:13:55.000 They're on the site, censored.tv, um, on the store.
00:14:01.000 And it is 20 bucks plus shipping and handling.
00:14:04.000 I've got a million.
00:14:06.000 For the past year, I've been saving them all.
00:14:10.000 Also in important news, there's a new Sebastian Maniscalco special out.
00:14:14.000 Aren't you embarrassed?
00:14:17.000 Do you deal with Sebastian Maniscalco, Candyman?
00:14:20.000 Aren't you embarrassed?
00:14:22.000 I remember, um, I made you and your wife laugh with like a light impression of it, but not really.
00:14:29.000 I leave that up to Scoops and Figs.
00:14:31.000 I don't know who that is.
00:14:32.000 Is that what you call Maddie and Dickman?
00:14:36.000 Okay, Dickman, let's hear your best Sebastian Maniscalco.
00:14:42.000 I don't do one.
00:14:43.000 Well, try.
00:14:44.000 Wait, you want to hear him first?
00:14:48.000 Why are you holding the mic like Dave Chappelle?
00:14:52.000 I'm so cool.
00:14:54.000 Can you do a Dave Chappelle real quick?
00:14:56.000 No.
00:14:57.000 No, I can't do it.
00:14:58.000 How about Garfield?
00:14:59.000 Count to five as Dave Chappelle.
00:15:01.000 Can you do E.T.?
00:15:03.000 Phone home.
00:15:05.000 Can you do Ronald Reagan?
00:15:07.000 Well.
00:15:10.000 That's one word impressions.
00:15:11.000 Well.
00:15:12.000 Well.
00:15:13.000 You do Anthony Cummings.
00:15:14.000 Elliot.
00:15:15.000 Reagan.
00:15:16.000 If you just move your mouth, I'll make it look like you can do a Dave Chappelle impression.
00:15:20.000 Okay.
00:15:21.000 Hey man, it's me, Dave Chappelle.
00:15:24.000 Listen, I hosted SNL.
00:15:26.000 It was crazy, man.
00:15:27.000 I was like, damn!
00:15:29.000 All these writers and shit.
00:15:31.000 I had to change my set.
00:15:33.000 I thought it was too pecant or something.
00:15:36.000 But I did it anyway.
00:15:37.000 Mercedes is calling.
00:15:38.000 That was actually really good Dickman.
00:15:44.000 An incarcerated individual at San Bernardino County Sheriff's Department.
00:15:48.000 This call is not private.
00:15:50.000 It will be recorded and may be monitored.
00:15:52.000 If you believe this should be a private call, please hang up and follow facility instructions to register this number as a private number to accept this free call.
00:16:00.000 Press 1 to refuse this.
00:16:02.000 Thank you for using Securus.
00:16:04.000 You may start the conversation now.
00:16:06.000 Hey Mercedes.
00:16:08.000 Hey Gavin.
00:16:10.000 What you been up to?
00:16:10.000 I haven't spoken to you in a while.
00:16:12.000 Are you living in Rancho Cucamonga?
00:16:15.000 I am in Rancho Cucamonga.
00:16:17.000 Well, I wouldn't call it living.
00:16:19.000 I am currently being held against my will inside of a facility in Rancho Cucamonga.
00:16:25.000 That is true.
00:16:26.000 So it's not going great.
00:16:28.000 I wouldn't say that it's going well.
00:16:31.000 You know, I was just in L.A.
00:16:33.000 talking to my new best friend, Kanye West, a.k.a.
00:16:36.000 Ye, and he's been estranged from his children, and I got a similar vibe that I get from you, which is, fucking kill me.
00:16:44.000 I don't give a shit what you people do.
00:16:47.000 Without my kids, I don't really care what happens to me.
00:16:51.000 That's about right, yeah.
00:16:52.000 I would say that Ye and I probably share a similar disdain for Western civilization.
00:17:01.000 So, wait a minute, I didn't know you have a disdain for Western civilization.
00:17:04.000 Would you like us to be a communist society?
00:17:07.000 Do you admire China?
00:17:09.000 No, I did not know that.
00:17:10.000 So what system do you want?
00:17:12.000 What system is better than capitalism?
00:17:27.000 You know what?
00:17:28.000 It's not that I have a problem with capitalism.
00:17:30.000 It's that we don't have capitalism right now.
00:17:32.000 We have communism right now.
00:17:34.000 And that's the problem that I have with Western civilization at this very moment.
00:17:39.000 Did you know that?
00:17:40.000 Like, for example, you know, everyone talks about the Squad.
00:17:42.000 Did you know there was a gang of four under Mao that very much resembles the Squad?
00:17:48.000 Ilhan Omar, AOC, Rashida Tlaib.
00:17:53.000 Is it a message?
00:17:54.000 Like, do these people who do this, do they want to send us clues as a fuck you?
00:17:57.000 Or are they trying to hide it?
00:18:16.000 It almost seems to me like what they're doing is an active communist revolution, and it's happening right under our noses.
00:18:22.000 One of the main symptoms of communist revolution is food shortages.
00:18:28.000 Another one is active dismemberment of the military, which is what we've been seeing ever since Obama.
00:18:39.000 They've actively dismembered the U.S.
00:18:41.000 military, and now they're undermining it.
00:18:43.000 And you have guys like General Milley who seem to focus more on transgender bathrooms in the military than the fact that China, who is communist in name only at this point, has a more active military force than we do.
00:18:59.000 Yeah, possibly a better Navy.
00:19:02.000 You must not have a lot of people in Rancho Cucamonga prison to talk to.
00:19:33.000 I have very, very few people.
00:19:35.000 You know what?
00:19:36.000 I'm almost, at this point, like Marcus Aurelius, maybe I'll just write myself a book.
00:19:43.000 Yeah, you should write a book!
00:19:46.000 Maybe I will.
00:19:48.000 Alright, we gotta go Mercedes, we have a lot of ground to cover tonight, but we appreciate when you call during the live show.
00:19:54.000 Oh, you know what?
00:19:55.000 Thank you so much for talking to me.
00:19:57.000 Oh, and also, stop telling people that porn actresses
00:20:00.000 Are just girls who are molested by their fathers.
00:20:03.000 Most of them didn't have fathers growing up, Gavin.
00:20:07.000 Okay, I'm sorry.
00:20:08.000 They were molested by their uncles.
00:20:10.000 That's not even true!
00:20:12.000 You know what?
00:20:12.000 Women who are molested tend to be big fat lesbians.
00:20:15.000 You're getting this wrong.
00:20:16.000 What percentage of porn actresses would you say are molested?
00:20:20.000 You know what?
00:20:21.000 Actually, not many.
00:20:22.000 I would say most porn actresses hate their mothers.
00:20:25.000 That's why, yeah, because women who are porn actresses are women who say, you know what, fuck you to the female establishment.
00:20:31.000 The female establishment says, oh, you know what, preserve the pussy at any cost and don't let men have any access to it.
00:20:39.000 That's what the female establishment says.
00:20:41.000 And most women who are rebels to that become porn actresses.
00:20:46.000 And those are women who hate their mothers.
00:20:48.000 That's the truth of it.
00:20:50.000 Maybe they hate their mothers because their mother let their brother molest them.
00:20:55.000 It's a completely outdated notion.
00:20:57.000 Completely outdated.
00:20:59.000 You're wrong.
00:21:00.000 Okay.
00:21:00.000 You're wrong.
00:21:01.000 I worked in it.
00:21:01.000 Yes.
00:21:02.000 I'm telling you, you're wrong.
00:21:03.000 I quit porn and my life is a hundred percent better.
00:21:07.000 You can quit porn all you want, but I'm telling you that that is an outdated notion.
00:21:11.000 That's not the reason they do it.
00:21:13.000 Women who are molested tend to be big fat lesbians who hate men.
00:21:16.000 Okay.
00:21:16.000 We'll look into it.
00:21:18.000 Okay.
00:21:18.000 Love you.
00:21:19.000 Bye.
00:21:21.000 Fuck her, she's never getting on the show again.
00:21:25.000 Anyone who disagrees with me is X-ed for life.
00:21:28.000 By the way, folks, still working on the transition from cell phone addiction to the light phone.
00:21:36.000 It's going okay.
00:21:37.000 Here's one problem I find.
00:21:38.000 You come up with an idea and in your notes you can put it in your phone.
00:21:42.000 Or you can even tell the guy, like, hey, we should open a fast food chain.
00:21:48.000 You shouldn't be sitting at a deli when you're waiting for a sandwich doing deals.
00:21:53.000 So I bought this little notebook for four bucks or whatever it cost.
00:21:59.000 And I'm gonna make notes in this.
00:22:01.000 So you have an idea at the deli, you put it in here.
00:22:03.000 Then when you get back to your desk, then you catch up on your ideas.
00:22:09.000 Fuck this thing.
00:22:11.000 It is ruining our lives.
00:22:13.000 You know, the human brain takes in information and remembers it stores in the deep, dark memories of the grooves of your brain.
00:22:20.000 When you write things down or when you repeat it out loud, Brett Gavin?
00:22:25.000 Tommy Lee Jones, thanks for coming to the show.
00:22:26.000 Way easier to commit things to memory, Slick, if you write it down and say it out loud.
00:22:30.000 You were in the Batman movie as, what, Two-Face or something?
00:22:33.000 Oh, please don't remind me of that.
00:22:34.000 That was a terrible, and I mean terrible, role.
00:22:37.000 But yes, I was, Slick.
00:22:38.000 So why are you dressed as Joker now?
00:22:41.000 Or Penguin or whatever the fuck you are?
00:22:43.000 I'm dressed like Ron Katz Rivera.
00:22:46.000 A moron?
00:22:48.000 Now you take that back.
00:22:50.000 Speaking of Ryan Katsu Rivera, we have footage of him trying to fuck an underage girl.
00:22:57.000 And it's an unfortunate fate that this man has to play out the video of himself trying to fuck a kid.
00:23:04.000 And we're ruining his life now.
00:23:07.000 We're getting him divorced, I guess, and arrested.
00:23:10.000 But I'm about truth.
00:23:12.000 And Ryan tried to fuck a kid.
00:23:15.000 Slick, I doubt it.
00:23:16.000 Let's check the footage.
00:23:20.000 None of this looks familiar to me.
00:23:27.000 Yeah, that's not me.
00:23:29.000 Oh, yes it is.
00:23:31.000 That's... I don't know what that is.
00:23:34.000 I don't even sound that way.
00:23:36.000 I think what I said was, what are you trying to do?
00:23:39.000 What are you trying to do?
00:23:49.000 Don't matter to me.
00:23:50.000 Uh oh, his feet aren't touching the ground.
00:23:52.000 Yeah, that's you.
00:23:53.000 No it's not.
00:23:54.000 No, they're really not touching the ground.
00:24:04.000 Dude, if you're gonna go fuck a chick, have matching socks.
00:24:07.000 If you're gonna try to fuck a chick, don't play the floor is lava.
00:24:09.000 And don't be retarded.
00:24:10.000 See, this is my problem with that show.
00:24:13.000 I love the idea of pedophiles getting swept off the streets, but if you go out there on the internet and you're like, Hi, I'm 13 and I love getting double plugged up my ass and I'm addicted to drinking cum.
00:24:26.000 Anyway, anyone out there interested?
00:24:28.000 And you're going to get, out of a thousand people, you're going to get some Ryan Catzee Rivera retard who's like, yeah, I'd like that.
00:24:35.000 That'd sound nice.
00:24:37.000 Slick.
00:24:37.000 I don't know if you've ever seen Ryan Catzee Rivera make his moves, but he is slick like a cougar or tiger.
00:24:43.000 Slick.
00:24:44.000 Okay.
00:24:45.000 All right there, Hoss.
00:24:48.000 Is this solving crimes or entrapping retards?
00:24:57.000 How are you helping society right now?
00:25:00.000 Wow.
00:25:01.000 Is she filming on her phone too?
00:25:03.000 Yeah motherfucker.
00:25:04.000 Haha, retard, you got horny.
00:25:07.000 Well, I don't think he's of sound mind like you said, like, to make decisions.
00:25:10.000 No, he's special, dude.
00:25:11.000 Yeah, he really is.
00:25:12.000 You've got a special guy, that's not... On the spectrum.
00:25:14.000 He's on the spectrum for sure.
00:25:16.000 Spectrum?
00:25:16.000 He's on the retardum.
00:25:18.000 I think... Oh, you're an Uber driver?
00:25:20.000 Mm-hmm.
00:25:21.000 Oh, did you give him a good review?
00:25:22.000 Yep, I did.
00:25:23.000 Good!
00:25:24.000 He was good, he was nice, so... Okay.
00:25:26.000 I'm like most drivers you meet these days, so...
00:25:28.000 Yeah, I gotcha.
00:25:30.000 So what's your name?
00:25:31.000 My name's Raymond, but you can call me Ray.
00:25:33.000 Oh, nice to meet you Ray.
00:25:34.000 I'm Skeet Hanson.
00:25:35.000 Nice to meet you.
00:25:37.000 Skeet Hanson?
00:25:38.000 Wait, is this a joke?
00:25:39.000 It may be, because the other guy was what?
00:25:42.000 The other guy was Hanson.
00:25:44.000 The guy from Connecticut.
00:25:44.000 Yeah, I hope I'm not pulling up a joke video.
00:25:48.000 Skeeter Gene, and he calls himself Skeeter Hanson?
00:25:51.000 Isn't skeeting ejaculating?
00:25:53.000 Yeah.
00:25:55.000 So you skeet on predators?
00:25:57.000 Let me see if I misheard that one.
00:25:59.000 Yeah, I gotcha.
00:26:03.000 So what's your name?
00:26:07.000 Raymond.
00:26:08.000 I know I can call you Ray if your name is Raymond.
00:26:10.000 He did say Skeet Hanson.
00:26:11.000 Raymond.
00:26:12.000 Oh, nice to meet you Ray.
00:26:16.000 I'm Skeet Hanson.
00:26:17.000 You too.
00:26:20.000 So, what are you here for?
00:26:22.000 What are you here for?
00:26:23.000 I'm gonna say to hang out with her, that's all.
00:26:25.000 With her?
00:26:26.000 Uh-huh.
00:26:27.000 Uh-oh, this is getting embarrassing.
00:26:28.000 I'm worried we're putting up a joke and then saying this is a joke.
00:26:32.000 Let's see the intro here.
00:26:40.000 That seems pretty fake too, fuck.
00:26:45.000 There's nothing worse than exposing something and you find out it's a joke and you're the fucking idiot.
00:26:54.000 They think they're talking to a 13 year old, however they're talking to a 3.
00:26:57.000 She's like a 4.
00:27:03.000 I want to just be on that show once and be like, no, I'm here to talk.
00:27:07.000 Yeah.
00:27:08.000 Will you have condoms?
00:27:09.000 No, I have no condoms.
00:27:10.000 You have wine coolers?
00:27:11.000 No, I have non-alcoholic beverages.
00:27:14.000 I wanted to talk to a 13 year old.
00:27:16.000 Yeah.
00:27:16.000 I'm doing a documentary.
00:27:17.000 I have questions in my pocket.
00:27:18.000 It says, ask the 13 year old about school.
00:27:21.000 What's that like?
00:27:22.000 Has things changed?
00:27:23.000 What's school lunch like?
00:27:24.000 All right, let's leave that up to the baby monsters to decide.
00:27:26.000 Can we pull up the, um, fucking Super Chat?
00:27:33.000 Is that fake?
00:27:34.000 Yeah, we're gonna do the super chat.
00:27:36.000 You can send that in.
00:27:38.000 I'll show you how.
00:27:39.000 Because you guys are probably too fucking stupid to figure it out, man.
00:27:44.000 So dumb.
00:27:45.000 And I'm so much smarter.
00:27:46.000 I like this evil villain guy.
00:27:50.000 So you go to watching live.
00:27:52.000 We are streaming watch live now.
00:27:53.000 You go to censored.tv.
00:27:55.000 Then right click on that.
00:27:56.000 And then it says donate to read a message on air.
00:27:59.000 Hey, what is that?
00:28:02.000 That's a joke!
00:28:03.000 That's us gay.
00:28:04.000 Great.
00:28:05.000 Oh, thanks a lot!
00:28:06.000 Yeah, don't participate in the chat.
00:28:07.000 Goddammit!
00:28:08.000 Ban everybody.
00:28:09.000 I hate when people make me gay in Photoshop.
00:28:11.000 Ban and burn.
00:28:14.000 Embarrassing.
00:28:16.000 So you go there, you donate $100, guarantees we'll read it on air, and 100% of the money goes to Max and John.
00:28:25.000 We paid some of their lawyer fees now, not much, like $3,500.
00:28:28.000 But it's really about when they get out, they'll have some dough.
00:28:33.000 Right.
00:28:36.000 Uh, butt plugs and dildos?
00:28:37.000 Is that the Project Veritas thing?
00:28:38.000 Yeah.
00:28:39.000 Butt plugs and dildos.
00:28:40.000 I want to cover that.
00:28:41.000 What's one five?
00:28:42.000 I want to cover that tomorrow when we can relax.
00:28:45.000 I like that fantasy clip of your Latin-Asian hybrid wannabe Jamie.
00:28:50.000 Like Ryan, I'm Latino and also a fan of shirtless Gavin.
00:28:55.000 Keep it up.
00:28:55.000 Pretty hot.
00:28:56.000 Wasn't sure about buying a sub, but I'm glad I did.
00:28:59.000 You always talk trash about yourself being a six.
00:29:03.000 Wait, we got this as a letter too.
00:29:06.000 Huh, I don't like being adored by homosexuals Yeah, it's uncomfortable in it.
00:29:11.000 Yeah, I want 21 year old hot girls with huge tits to be masturbating thinking about me not dudes one time I was riding my bike through the West Village and some guy was like hello, and he was like 70 years old And I turned around I was like are you fucking kidding me?
00:29:29.000 I'm way too hot for you!
00:29:30.000 I'm out of your league, faggot!
00:29:32.000 All right, let's read the bottom one real quick because it's about to disappear.
00:29:37.000 Dickman, if you were on patrol and caught Matty stealing hubcaps, what weapon would you use against him?
00:29:43.000 Mace, taser, or a thing called a billy stick?
00:29:48.000 Not a billy club or a truncheon, but a billy stick.
00:29:54.000 I wouldn't use any of them.
00:29:56.000 What would you do?
00:29:56.000 I'd use Jack Johnson and Tom Foley.
00:30:00.000 You'd just fucking kick his ass.
00:30:02.000 Well, I'd use my verbal judo, and then if he didn't comply... You'd start roughing him up.
00:30:08.000 And then what would you do, Matty?
00:30:10.000 Well, I have been known to tussle with... Can you turn the mic to you?
00:30:15.000 Hello?
00:30:16.000 I've been known to tussle with police before.
00:30:18.000 So you would fight Dickman?
00:30:20.000 Well, usually, to be honest, whenever they stop, they usually call for backup.
00:30:26.000 So it wouldn't be just him, but I've been hit with a nightstick, the old wooden ones, in the forehead.
00:30:31.000 Hurt.
00:30:32.000 I've been hit with a baton.
00:30:34.000 It hurt.
00:30:34.000 I've never been tased.
00:30:36.000 Huh.
00:30:37.000 Yeah.
00:30:37.000 I had a cop one time, he was on my back and he grabbed my hair and he pulled my head back and put the basic hair, it was like... That's a wake-up call.
00:30:48.000 That was nice.
00:30:49.000 Wow.
00:30:49.000 How did that feel?
00:30:50.000 It sucked.
00:30:51.000 The best thing, I mean, the best thing, it sucked really bad.
00:30:56.000 It sucked real bad.
00:30:58.000 But once you get, I've been maced a few times, like pepper sprayed a bunch of times.
00:31:03.000 It starts, it doesn't have like the same effect on you and the worst thing you can do is touch your eyes or rub them.
00:31:08.000 You gotta keep your eyes open.
00:31:09.000 Yeah.
00:31:11.000 Also when you take a shower later on, it revisits.
00:31:13.000 Yeah, the water.
00:31:13.000 Trying to make you red, but it's hard.
00:31:17.000 It was brutal, that one.
00:31:19.000 Literally, like, this close.
00:31:21.000 Holy shit.
00:31:23.000 There was another guy on my like lower legs and he was on my back and he pulled my head back like this by my hair it was like
00:31:32.000 No good.
00:31:32.000 Were you red like this color that you are?
00:31:34.000 It was terrible.
00:31:35.000 When I got it at NYU, I thought it might be like acid.
00:31:38.000 So I thought, am I disfigured?
00:31:40.000 Am I going to be the elephant man forever?
00:31:42.000 The answer is yes.
00:31:44.000 And then I tasted pepper in my mouth and I was like, hallelujah.
00:31:48.000 Capsaicin.
00:31:50.000 The second I got that pepper taste.
00:31:53.000 But it really does reboot your hard drive.
00:31:55.000 It's like, you don't know what's up or down.
00:31:57.000 And every time I see these fucking cunts,
00:32:00.000 Stealing piles of clothes from Target and stuff and Macy's.
00:32:05.000 I go, no one wants to touch them because they don't want to get arrested for, you know, violence or they don't want to get sued.
00:32:10.000 Just a little boop.
00:32:12.000 Just a little toot.
00:32:15.000 Just squirt them.
00:32:19.000 Oh yeah.
00:32:21.000 I love that audience applause.
00:32:23.000 The audience ironically doesn't like the audience noise.
00:32:27.000 Let's scoot this over here.
00:32:29.000 Check this out.
00:32:30.000 We've got a guy who wants to talk about the bottom one.
00:32:33.000 We got to read that one.
00:32:34.000 Well, we don't have to read anything that's under $100.
00:32:36.000 Okay.
00:32:37.000 Gavin, you should have the same guest every Thursday moving forward.
00:32:39.000 He's nice to look at.
00:32:43.000 Who's that?
00:32:43.000 Is that Tim or Matty?
00:32:44.000 Who's hotter?
00:32:46.000 Who do you guys think is hotter?
00:32:47.000 We'll do a poll.
00:32:48.000 I like Tim.
00:32:51.000 Ryan looks gross tonight with his Jesse Lee Peterson impression.
00:32:55.000 Yep.
00:32:56.000 That tie is jarring.
00:32:57.000 I didn't do that.
00:32:58.000 Dickman if you're on patrol and we already did that.
00:33:01.000 I like that fantasy clip of your Latin Asian hybrid wannabe Jamie like Ryan on Latino blah blah.
00:33:07.000 Okay.
00:33:07.000 The downer approach to drinking has been a game changer since I had my firstborn and bought a business that requires client entertainment 50% of the time.
00:33:17.000 Gotcha, dude.
00:33:18.000 That sucks.
00:33:19.000 By the way, speaking of sales guys, your sales guy has to go out at lunch with clients and a dinner at clients and he needs to be fat.
00:33:30.000 He needs to be able to drink half a bottle of bourbon, vodka, whatever, a day.
00:33:35.000 And it's a talent I don't have.
00:33:37.000 It's a talent Shane Smith had.
00:33:38.000 God bless his cotton socks.
00:33:41.000 It's not easy.
00:33:42.000 In fact, a lot of successful companies will have to send their ad sales guy to rehab about once a year because it just gets too much.
00:33:51.000 They actually brought ENT back in the tax code too so you could write it all off.
00:33:55.000 Good.
00:33:56.000 For the entertainment of travel.
00:33:57.000 So to be clear folks at home, the downer approach is a thing I invented.
00:34:02.000 It's an acronym and it stands for D. Don't cock block.
00:34:10.000 Oh, only 14 hours.
00:34:13.000 So you start at noon.
00:34:15.000 You could not go past 2 a.m.
00:34:18.000 I actually would like to shrink that now that I'm getting older to 12.
00:34:22.000 12 to 12 seems like a lot of fucking drinking.
00:34:26.000 W, water aplenty.
00:34:28.000 N. We know what N stands for.
00:34:34.000 Forgetting N. Oh, I'm not.
00:34:37.000 What's?
00:34:38.000 What is N?
00:34:40.000 Oh, I don't N. N is never after 3.
00:34:43.000 I think it was 4 for a while, but let's cut the shit.
00:34:46.000 Nothing good happens after 3 a.m.
00:34:49.000 E, eat your dinner.
00:34:50.000 I know you're not hungry, you're high on coke and booze, but just get a cheeseburger in there somehow.
00:34:56.000 Rape yourself.
00:34:58.000 And then R, regulate your bumps.
00:35:00.000 Do you really wanna do cocaine right now?
00:35:02.000 Is it really, are you dying for a bump?
00:35:05.000 Like I understand if you're tired and you didn't get any sleep the night before and you gotta drive or you gotta, I'm encouraging drunk driving right now, or you gotta like get up and get the train and you're like, I don't have it in me.
00:35:16.000 I could see a bump for that, but if you're already up and you've already killed your buzz with Coke, why have another bump?
00:35:23.000 So regulate your bumps.
00:35:27.000 For the last year, my drinking could probably be considered excessive.
00:35:30.000 I'm not out partying, but my wife and I love a cocktail hour after the kiddo is asleep, and I have a hard time hitting the off button.
00:35:37.000 I've noticed that if I have a drink in the early afternoon or even with lunch, followed by a meal or a break period, I have no desire to drink when I get home.
00:35:47.000 I wish I could share those characteristics.
00:35:50.000 On the other hand, if I stay sober all day and get home after a stressful day at the office, I tend to drink as fast and as much as I can.
00:35:58.000 I'm beginning to think that it would be better and easier to have a glass of wine with lunch with clients than shut it down in the afternoon.
00:36:05.000 What is your take and or experience with this approach?
00:36:07.000 Well, I really appreciate the dudes at our local bar
00:36:12.000 Who leave at 3 p.m.
00:36:14.000 Yeah, we're day drinking.
00:36:15.000 I'm more of a day drinker now.
00:36:16.000 You had an altercation recently.
00:36:20.000 Yeah.
00:36:20.000 Two, I want to talk to you about.
00:36:23.000 Oh.
00:36:23.000 One, you got in a fight at the post office?
00:36:25.000 Yeah.
00:36:25.000 What was that about?
00:36:26.000 Yeah.
00:36:27.000 Some fucking, what do you call it, male Karen?
00:36:29.000 Yeah, yeah.
00:36:30.000 Yeah, Marin.
00:36:32.000 Whatever they call a male Karen.
00:36:34.000 I'm a lawyer.
00:36:35.000 I was like, I don't give a fuck what you are.
00:36:37.000 So how did it all start?
00:36:40.000 I was with Uncle Bill, Million Dollar Bill, and I was going to mail something out to my buddy in Las Vegas and I'm waiting for at a stop sign by the post office by our local and a guy gets in his car he's supposed to back out of it so I'm sitting there and the guy's like sitting in there 20 you know a couple of a minute and a half two minutes
00:37:05.000 So did he start reversing out of the spot?
00:37:07.000 No, he just got in.
00:37:08.000 I fucking hate this.
00:37:11.000 Get in your car, get out of there.
00:37:12.000 What are these people doing getting in their cars and then they're just like noodling around?
00:37:18.000 So the window was open I was like motherfucker you getting out of the fucking way or what?
00:37:22.000 So, Bill goes, oh, this car pulled out.
00:37:25.000 So I pull up in front and I get out and I'm walking up the steps to the post office and the guy goes, you know, you really need to watch your language.
00:37:32.000 So I was like, excuse me?
00:37:34.000 He's like, yeah, all that, all the profanity and stuff.
00:37:36.000 I said, who the fuck are you?
00:37:37.000 You my father?
00:37:39.000 And he goes, no, you really need to, I go, dude.
00:37:42.000 Whoa.
00:37:42.000 He goes,
00:37:44.000 What do you want to do about it?
00:37:45.000 Goes, it'll take about five seconds.
00:37:47.000 I says... Wait, he said, what do you want to do about it?
00:37:50.000 It'll take about five seconds.
00:37:51.000 Meaning I will knock you out in five seconds.
00:37:53.000 I said, do yourself a favor.
00:37:54.000 Go on your way.
00:37:56.000 Mind your business.
00:37:57.000 So I walk into the post office.
00:37:59.000 I come out.
00:37:59.000 He's still sitting outside.
00:38:00.000 Okay.
00:38:01.000 Whoa, stop.
00:38:02.000 Airbrakes.
00:38:02.000 Airbrakes.
00:38:03.000 What did this person look like?
00:38:04.000 What is his height?
00:38:05.000 What is his ethnicity?
00:38:07.000 What kind of car was he driving?
00:38:08.000 White.
00:38:09.000 White?
00:38:09.000 What class?
00:38:10.000 Upper middle class?
00:38:11.000 Middle class?
00:38:13.000 Upper middle class, probably a lawyer in our area.
00:38:16.000 Lawyer man, okay.
00:38:17.000 Is he wearing a suit?
00:38:19.000 No, no, he's casual clothes.
00:38:21.000 Martha's Vineyard, Patagonia.
00:38:23.000 I love that, the tubing, slacks, moccasins.
00:38:27.000 Matty, what kind of car was he driving?
00:38:29.000 I don't know.
00:38:31.000 He comes walking up the stairs.
00:38:34.000 And he goes, it'll take five seconds.
00:38:36.000 I said, do yourself a favor, dude.
00:38:38.000 Cause now there's all the people in the post office.
00:38:40.000 Cause I'm standing in the door to the post office.
00:38:42.000 I was like, do yourself a favor.
00:38:45.000 Get away from me or wait outside.
00:38:47.000 So I go in the post office.
00:38:48.000 I do what I do.
00:38:50.000 He goes outside, goes over to my vehicle and starts harassing Bill.
00:38:56.000 What's he saying to Bill?
00:38:57.000 He's like, this car's double parked.
00:38:58.000 I wasn't double parked, I was blocking the driveway a little bit, but I said, he's like, Bill's like, who the fuck are you?
00:39:05.000 The fucking parking police?
00:39:06.000 He's like, it's not my vehicle, I'm not moving it.
00:39:09.000 So you know Bill, he's out on his phone.
00:39:11.000 Who the fuck are you?
00:39:11.000 Yeah.
00:39:12.000 So he goes, I'm not moving the vehicle.
00:39:14.000 So I come out and he's on the phone.
00:39:15.000 He's like, I'm on the phone with the police.
00:39:18.000 The police?
00:39:18.000 I go, I don't care who you call.
00:39:22.000 What's the charge?
00:39:23.000 Double parking?
00:39:23.000 And he goes, I took pictures of your license plate.
00:39:26.000 So I said, that's great.
00:39:26.000 So I take my phone, I go like this.
00:39:28.000 And he goes, did you just take a picture of me?
00:39:30.000 Because if you did, I'm going to destroy your phone.
00:39:32.000 I said, oh.
00:39:34.000 He comes walking over.
00:39:35.000 He's like, did you, you, you took a picture of me?
00:39:38.000 Let me see your phone.
00:39:39.000 Is he drunk?
00:39:40.000 No.
00:39:40.000 What time of day is this?
00:39:44.000 1230, one o'clock.
00:39:45.000 What the, where does he get the hubris?
00:39:47.000 So I go,
00:39:48.000 You just told me you filmed me.
00:39:50.000 You took pictures of my license plate.
00:39:52.000 You're telling me it's illegal to take your picture?
00:39:53.000 I said, you have no expectation of privacy in public.
00:39:56.000 Go fuck yourself.
00:39:57.000 So he goes, did you take my picture?
00:39:59.000 I said, it's none of your fucking business what I did.
00:40:01.000 I said, go wait for the fucking police to come.
00:40:03.000 He's like, oh, I got your plate.
00:40:05.000 I don't care.
00:40:05.000 What are you gonna do with it?
00:40:07.000 Take a picture, put it on the internet, put it on neighbors.
00:40:10.000 This guy's an asshole, yelling and screaming.
00:40:13.000 He goes, you know,
00:40:15.000 I go, dude, do yourself a favor.
00:40:17.000 Go home and fuck your wife.
00:40:20.000 I said, because this is not going to end well.
00:40:22.000 And I don't feel like sitting in prison, in jail for you.
00:40:25.000 Again.
00:40:26.000 You should have added again.
00:40:27.000 So he knew it was a pattern.
00:40:30.000 I just had to walk away from him.
00:40:32.000 And he's just on the phone.
00:40:33.000 I'm like, dude.
00:40:35.000 So then that same day, I think you had beef with Bill, your passenger.
00:40:41.000 Oh, yeah.
00:40:42.000 I heard at the bar, you were like holding up your phone going,
00:40:45.000 Look, this is bullshit.
00:40:46.000 Yeah.
00:40:47.000 You fucking, you say you had gallstones.
00:40:49.000 You're lying.
00:40:53.000 Your gallstones would have passed by now.
00:40:56.000 He's got a thing now.
00:40:57.000 He just doesn't answer the phone.
00:40:58.000 Okay.
00:41:00.000 He's like, oh, I put it on silent.
00:41:02.000 I go, no.
00:41:03.000 I said, you answered me twice today.
00:41:05.000 I said, now when I, so I fucked around and I said, Bill, I said, the fucking cops got me pulled over.
00:41:11.000 Cause he was like, yo, yo, fuck that guy.
00:41:13.000 He's like, you know, if they call the cops or whatever.
00:41:15.000 I go...
00:41:17.000 So he's not picking up the phone, calling him, calling him, calling him, and Bill hates that.
00:41:21.000 That's the worst thing you could do to him.
00:41:23.000 Yeah.
00:41:23.000 I remember he was in a group text, and he was like, I swear to God, I'm gonna fucking kill myself.
00:41:28.000 Yeah, so now I'm doing it just out of spite.
00:41:32.000 Just calling, as soon as his voicemail picks up, hang up, redial, hang up, redial.
00:41:36.000 So then I text him, I say, Bill.
00:41:38.000 I go, the fucking cops got me pulled over, they're dragging me out of the car.
00:41:42.000 Call me, it's an emergency.
00:41:44.000 No, nothing.
00:41:46.000 He said he was watching the fucking soccer game.
00:41:49.000 Soccer?
00:41:49.000 At home or at the bar?
00:41:51.000 At our local.
00:41:53.000 Huh.
00:41:54.000 So you gave him shit for that?
00:41:56.000 Yeah, yeah.
00:41:58.000 Was this the same day as the lawyer?
00:42:00.000 Yeah.
00:42:01.000 So is it possible you were still so pumped from the lawyer accusation that you were like ready to kill Bill or anyone else who got in your way?
00:42:09.000 He came with me
00:42:12.000 And he was so, he was like, dude, he's like, go park the van.
00:42:16.000 We'll put it in that parking lot where he parks.
00:42:19.000 And he goes, and I'll drive you home.
00:42:23.000 Why?
00:42:24.000 You're drunk with rage?
00:42:27.000 I was, I was pretty livid.
00:42:29.000 That guy, that guy had my fucking balls twisted.
00:42:32.000 And I was like, if you just grabbed him by the throat, would you do time for that?
00:42:36.000 Like just, yeah, it's assault.
00:42:38.000 That would be assault.
00:42:39.000 But what if you gave him the first punch?
00:42:41.000 You said, good news, I'm going to put my hands by my back.
00:42:43.000 You got the first punch.
00:42:44.000 Because what he said, it would only take five seconds.
00:42:46.000 I said, go ahead and take your shot.
00:42:49.000 I said, I said, one of my favorites, I said, there's nothing but air and opportunity.
00:42:54.000 He looks at me.
00:42:54.000 I said, that's all that stands between me and you.
00:42:58.000 Air and opportunity.
00:42:59.000 You said you're going to take five seconds.
00:43:01.000 Let's go.
00:43:02.000 Juicy.
00:43:03.000 And then he's like, no, you take it.
00:43:04.000 You swing.
00:43:05.000 I said, dude, you ain't baiting me into this.
00:43:09.000 Because at the end of the day, if I get another assault charge, I mean, I don't get no, no bail.
00:43:16.000 No.
00:43:18.000 Even though there's no bail.
00:43:20.000 Once they put my fingerprints in NCIC, it comes up and says that I have multiple and triple I arrests.
00:43:28.000 So then the local, like the local judge can't give me a bail.
00:43:32.000 Has to be a Supreme Court judge.
00:43:36.000 Let's open the phone lines and the mail and the mail bag.
00:43:42.000 Not to be confused with the scrotum.
00:43:46.000 You are on the air.
00:43:49.000 This is a fucking loser.
00:43:52.000 Hey, why does everyone get two things?
00:43:56.000 You have one thing.
00:43:58.000 Thank you for calling.
00:43:59.000 It's great hearing from you.
00:44:01.000 All right, next call.
00:44:02.000 Bye bye!
00:44:04.000 That's true.
00:44:06.000 Ye liked your Donald Trump impersonation.
00:44:10.000 I think it's safe to say he loved it.
00:44:14.000 Did he give you a big smile when he shook your hand or was that just me?
00:44:18.000 I don't know.
00:44:20.000 He didn't like your sway.
00:44:21.000 He didn't seem to care.
00:44:22.000 No, he did.
00:44:23.000 He was like, he was like, why, why did you, why'd you learn how to do that though?
00:44:29.000 That's such a weird, he's, he's a real end.
00:44:32.000 He's from the South side of Chicago.
00:44:34.000 He's not a rich kid.
00:44:36.000 And yet his voice is like this.
00:44:38.000 Hi, what are you guys doing?
00:44:40.000 Well, no.
00:44:42.000 It's a little deeper than that.
00:44:47.000 Do you think he over-enunciates on purpose?
00:44:50.000 Maybe.
00:44:51.000 Or maybe he's been out of the hood so long he's got a new accent.
00:44:55.000 Papa's got a brand new accent.
00:44:56.000 Weren't his parents highly educated?
00:44:59.000 Teachers.
00:45:00.000 I mean, what does that mean in this day and age?
00:45:02.000 35, 45 grand, South Side of Chicago?
00:45:05.000 Yeah, retarded.
00:45:07.000 You heard what the um... Oh wait, this was really funny.
00:45:11.000 Our very own Josh Lekach.
00:45:13.000 Oh yeah, this is fucking amazing.
00:45:15.000 So Kanye West, he got his honorary degree rescinded by Art School of the Institute of Chicago.
00:45:21.000 Wait, wait, wait.
00:45:22.000 What goes on with your brain?
00:45:24.000 By Art School of the Institute of Chicago.
00:45:28.000 What is with this guy's garbage mind?
00:45:31.000 We just got a key into how Brian's brain works.
00:45:36.000 So you're dyslexic, dude.
00:45:37.000 I did read that.
00:45:38.000 I knew I was reading that backwards.
00:45:50.000 Can we get an expert in here to analyze him?
00:45:52.000 I literally don't have dyslexia.
00:45:53.000 Is there a PDF that you can fill out to see if you're dyslexic?
00:45:57.000 I'm not lystestic.
00:45:58.000 I've done the test.
00:46:01.000 So this is what this guy says here.
00:46:03.000 Something like this happened to someone else and bad things happened after.
00:46:08.000 There was another guy who was rejected by the art community and it didn't go well for Europe.
00:46:15.000 Correct.
00:46:17.000 You hear what the Mexicans are saying about yay?
00:46:19.000 It's just starting to catch up in like the Latino community.
00:46:21.000 La Latino?
00:46:22.000 Yeah.
00:46:23.000 What are they saying?
00:46:24.000 Mostly they're saying like, ay-ya-yay.
00:46:26.000 Ay-ya-yay.
00:46:28.000 Ay-ya-yay.
00:46:30.000 Come on, dog.
00:46:35.000 Um, question for, so we're doing mailbag stuff, right?
00:46:37.000 Question for Matty.
00:46:39.000 Okay.
00:46:39.000 What is your favorite prison movie and which one is the most realistic based on your own experiences?
00:46:47.000 My favorite prison movie?
00:46:51.000 Well, what are there?
00:46:52.000 Face Off?
00:46:53.000 I mean, uh, Short Chance Redemption is a prison movie.
00:46:57.000 Yes.
00:46:57.000 That's a really good one.
00:46:59.000 Um, what is the one, uh, the Spanish one?
00:47:01.000 Um,
00:47:03.000 It's about the creation of the Mexican Mafia.
00:47:05.000 The girl from Ipanema Prison?
00:47:08.000 No, um... With the white Hispanic dude?
00:47:11.000 Yeah, with the white guy, the bald guy?
00:47:13.000 Yeah.
00:47:15.000 What the hell is the name of that?
00:47:16.000 How old is it?
00:47:20.000 Was that me?
00:47:20.000 Me was in it?
00:47:21.000 Yeah, something me.
00:47:22.000 Yeah, something about me.
00:47:25.000 White, bald guy.
00:47:26.000 American me?
00:47:27.000 American me?
00:47:27.000 American me?
00:47:28.000 Something like that.
00:47:31.000 You're not into prison movies.
00:47:32.000 You don't like it.
00:47:33.000 What about Bad Boys with Sean Penn from the early 80s?
00:47:35.000 Remember that one?
00:47:39.000 You don't like prison movies.
00:47:41.000 It's like Conor McGregor's coach is going to be in New York and I said, ooh, you should come by my gym.
00:47:47.000 And he's like, I don't want to go to a gym.
00:47:49.000 It's like when British people are visiting, you go, ooh, I know this pub.
00:47:53.000 It's got authentic scotch eggs and fish and chips.
00:47:56.000 And like, I had that this morning.
00:47:58.000 I don't want to go to that.
00:48:00.000 That's so true.
00:48:02.000 That's so true.
00:48:03.000 So funny.
00:48:04.000 So true.
00:48:05.000 I think that was an American Me.
00:48:08.000 So answer the question.
00:48:10.000 Is there a prison movie that you like?
00:48:12.000 Shot Caller?
00:48:14.000 I don't think I've ever seen it.
00:48:15.000 I like Shawshank Redemption.
00:48:16.000 It's probably my favorite.
00:48:17.000 Yeah, I don't think you watch prison movies the way we do.
00:48:19.000 We're voyeurs.
00:48:21.000 Like, I like to watch war movies because I want to pretend I know what it's like over there.
00:48:26.000 But you don't have to pretend, so you're not interested.
00:48:28.000 Every time I see that 60 Days In or something like that, I'll stop it and watch it and just laugh.
00:48:35.000 Because it's like a local county lockup.
00:48:37.000 And the shit that goes on, it's just like, yeah, I dealt with all that bullshit.
00:48:42.000 But, uh, Shawshank Redemption is probably because, you know, he escapes and gets away.
00:48:46.000 Yeah, that's the best part.
00:48:49.000 As I said, only 5% of the people deserve to be there.
00:48:53.000 And, by the way, only 5% of people should be educated in secondary education.
00:48:59.000 Yeah.
00:49:00.000 I'm obsessed with the numbers 95-5.
00:49:02.000 Everything seems to be 95-5.
00:49:05.000 Also, I was talking to a British guy today and he brought up something that I had never thought of before.
00:49:11.000 He's like, hold on a minute, hold the phone.
00:49:15.000 Why is every referendum 50-50?
00:49:19.000 The Quebec separatist referendum was like 51-49.
00:49:23.000 We just did Walker and Warlock.
00:49:27.000 That was like 51-49.
00:49:27.000 Yeah, it was close.
00:49:30.000 When Scotland wanted to separate, it was like 51-49.
00:49:34.000 Doesn't this sound like they're lying to us?
00:49:37.000 Why is everything exactly half and half?
00:49:40.000 Well, Zeldin was 30%.
00:49:43.000 Zeldin?
00:49:44.000 I don't know if that counts.
00:49:45.000 That's like...
00:49:47.000 A super fucking blue state because of New York City.
00:49:51.000 Yeah.
00:49:53.000 But other things, anything that's remotely swing always seems to be exactly 50-50.
00:50:00.000 Why is that?
00:50:01.000 It don't mean a thing if it ain't got that swing.
00:50:04.000 That's what Andy told me.
00:50:06.000 What are those weird skin tags on your face?
00:50:08.000 They're Cookie Crisp.
00:50:10.000 Cookie Crisp?
00:50:13.000 Now back in the day... Wait, you're a cookie?
00:50:16.000 Well, I'll explain.
00:50:18.000 I was on a field trip with the high school.
00:50:20.000 We went to this...
00:50:22.000 Science Lab.
00:50:23.000 And I wandered off.
00:50:25.000 Do you mind if I take a piss while you explain this?
00:50:27.000 Go ahead.
00:50:27.000 Sure.
00:50:27.000 A friend of mine named Peter Parker got bit by a radioactive spider.
00:50:33.000 He then accumulated a bunch of powers that are similar to the sorts of traits spiders have.
00:50:39.000 Climbing on walls, shooting webs, and such.
00:50:42.000 Now me, on the other hand, I got bit by a radioactive cookie crisp.
00:50:47.000 And it turned my face into a delicious chocolatey cereal enjoyed best with milk.
00:50:54.000 And that's my story.
00:50:56.000 And I'd like to tell you that Peter Parker got away with it that day.
00:51:00.000 But he didn't.
00:51:01.000 He was raped by those people.
00:51:04.000 And it was very bad.
00:51:07.000 And that's all I've got to say about that.
00:51:09.000 Anybody else got any smart, cute questions for Cookie Crisps?
00:51:13.000 Guys, are you cleaning the toilet seat when you spray on it with your dicks?
00:51:19.000 If you have any kind of discharge, you have to take the toilet paper and do a scoop.
00:51:24.000 Yeah.
00:51:25.000 Okay.
00:51:26.000 There seemed to be a lot of spray.
00:51:29.000 Now, you know what?
00:51:30.000 If you, if you, uh, what is it?
00:51:34.000 Tinkle when you winkle?
00:51:35.000 If you sprinkle when you tinkle, please be neat and wipe the seat.
00:51:41.000 Liquor before beer.
00:51:42.000 Have no fear.
00:51:44.000 I don't believe that shit.
00:51:45.000 Me neither.
00:51:46.000 I don't believe all that shit about like, don't mix your drinks.
00:51:48.000 I think it's if you're mixing wine and bourbon, you're out partying and you got wasted.
00:51:55.000 It's not that you dare to combine wine and bourbon.
00:51:58.000 It's because you're at a party situation where you're drinking wine and bourbon.
00:52:02.000 Dare to pop?
00:52:04.000 Yeah.
00:52:04.000 What?
00:52:05.000 Terrible.
00:52:05.000 It's an NSYNC song.
00:52:07.000 Here's your microphone.
00:52:08.000 You want to catch it?
00:52:09.000 Yep.
00:52:13.000 Nice catch, fuck!
00:52:14.000 Boxing instincts.
00:52:15.000 I'm a regular DeGro- Oh.
00:52:19.000 Sorry.
00:52:19.000 I'm impressed you know we got DeGro.
00:52:21.000 Verlander.
00:52:22.000 We got Verlander.
00:52:23.000 Zoolander.
00:52:24.000 What, he can't make a left turn?
00:52:25.000 Okay, last letter before we take calls.
00:52:29.000 Groomer event being crashed by Proud Boys this Saturday.
00:52:33.000 So then you click on it.
00:52:35.000 Proud Boys love fucking Telegram.
00:52:38.000 I hate Telegram.
00:52:40.000 Hold on, I was nowhere near that.
00:52:42.000 Join us Sunday, December 11th for a holiday-themed drag brunch at Switchword Brewing.
00:52:48.000 Doors will be open at 10 a.m.
00:52:52.000 Please make sure these things are all ages before you crash them.
00:52:57.000 It's at a brewery, right?
00:52:58.000 The queens are excited to do a meet and greet time following the show as well.
00:53:03.000 Brunch ends at 2 p.m.
00:53:04.000 Allow us to reset for the afternoon.
00:53:06.000 The show will feature five amazing queens all performing unique numbers.
00:53:11.000 Switch Art is all ages.
00:53:12.000 Okay, all bets are off.
00:53:14.000 Wow.
00:53:15.000 And this show is as well.
00:53:17.000 Kids ages 5 and under are free.
00:53:20.000 What?
00:53:22.000 Free to stay home?
00:53:26.000 Disgusting.
00:53:27.000 What's Brick City?
00:53:28.000 New Jersey.
00:53:30.000 Is that New Jersey?
00:53:31.000 Newark.
00:53:32.000 That's the nickname.
00:53:33.000 So I think it's really important guys, I know I say this every time, don't say faggot.
00:53:41.000 Don't make it about gay.
00:53:43.000 You obviously wouldn't care if you found out someone reading the kids happen to be gay.
00:53:48.000 It's that they are sexual beings.
00:53:50.000 They're dressed like strippers.
00:53:52.000 We don't want sexuality around kids.
00:53:55.000 Obviously.
00:53:56.000 No one gives a flying fuck about a drag club in Chelsea that has crazy parties till four in the morning.
00:54:06.000 Okay.
00:54:09.000 Get up to your old tricks there, homos.
00:54:12.000 Now if you notice, they spelled meet and greet M-E-A-T.
00:54:16.000 What does that tell you?
00:54:18.000 That you're a cookie.
00:54:19.000 Cookie Crisp.
00:54:20.000 I'm cookie for Cookie Crisp.
00:54:24.000 Andy?
00:54:28.000 Let's take a call.
00:54:29.000 You want to be the milk to my cereal there, Alabaster Skin?
00:54:32.000 Yes, I do.
00:54:35.000 Well, let's get a bowl and let's start getting tussling.
00:54:38.000 Yeah, let's get in it.
00:54:39.000 Dickman, would you like to be the spoon?
00:54:41.000 Well, all right.
00:54:43.000 Matty?
00:54:45.000 I'm good.
00:54:46.000 You want to do the dipping?
00:54:47.000 You want to be the giant hand that scoops us up?
00:54:49.000 Sure.
00:54:50.000 Now where's the mouth?
00:54:51.000 We need a fourth person.
00:54:52.000 Ryan Catu Rivera!
00:54:55.000 Oh yeah, get that young boy.
00:54:56.000 He's over here to the right.
00:54:58.000 It's not me.
00:54:59.000 We have calls.
00:55:01.000 Let's check it out.
00:55:02.000 So we did some troubleshooting.
00:55:03.000 Hopefully everything goes smooth.
00:55:04.000 If not, I'll commit suicide live on air.
00:55:06.000 905, you're on the live.
00:55:11.000 So Gavin as a man of many hemorrhoids I Have a question.
00:55:28.000 Have you ever pooped blood?
00:55:31.000 Oh, yeah million times amateur.
00:55:33.000 Oh
00:55:34.000 Is it like, does it make the toilet bowl look like a shark attack happened?
00:55:39.000 Yeah, it's a different kind of blood too, anal blood.
00:55:41.000 It's like very, very black.
00:55:44.000 But I found a cure for hemorrhoids.
00:55:47.000 Did I tell you about this?
00:55:48.000 I don't think so.
00:55:50.000 Um, no.
00:55:51.000 Do you have them?
00:55:54.000 I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow.
00:55:55.000 I've been shitting blood for like a week or two now, so I've been getting a little concerned.
00:55:59.000 Wait a minute, I don't think that's hemorrhoids, dude.
00:56:02.000 I think you're dying.
00:56:05.000 I sure hope not.
00:56:06.000 I hope the doctor will tell me tomorrow.
00:56:08.000 I think black blood is bad.
00:56:10.000 It's different.
00:56:11.000 That goes through your digestive system.
00:56:13.000 When you have blood from hemorrhoids, it's because the hemorrhoid burst.
00:56:17.000 So it's like one session, not a week.
00:56:20.000 It should be red.
00:56:21.000 Is it red?
00:56:23.000 Like regular blood?
00:56:24.000 Yeah, like regular blood would be... Hello?
00:56:26.000 Is it red?
00:56:27.000 Sorry?
00:56:28.000 It's like very bright red.
00:56:29.000 And from what I read online, if it's like dark, that means it's like higher up in your digestive tract.
00:56:36.000 And the brighter it is, the lower it is.
00:56:38.000 So it's pretty bright.
00:56:40.000 So whatever it is, it's lower in the tract.
00:56:45.000 Okay.
00:56:46.000 This sounds real bad, dude.
00:56:47.000 If I were you, I would go out tonight and party my ass off because you're dying.
00:56:51.000 Literally your ass off.
00:56:53.000 Well, if I don't call it next week, you'll know what happened.
00:56:56.000 I'm trying to find it on my phone though.
00:56:58.000 I got this stuff.
00:56:59.000 It was a hundred dollars on Amazon.
00:57:05.000 And it's like this, I think it's free in Russia, but it's like a anal flak or something.
00:57:11.000 It's this foam you put on.
00:57:13.000 Britney Griner's free in Russia.
00:57:14.000 Oh, I remember you talked about that on Compound Sensor, but it was still, like, en route.
00:57:20.000 Yeah, well, I got it, and it was super awesome.
00:57:22.000 I don't know why it's not fucking coming up here.
00:57:25.000 Um... Maybe I'll just text my brother and ask him what it was.
00:57:29.000 Well, I'll call my wife.
00:57:29.000 Alright, thanks for calling, dude.
00:57:31.000 Does it work for your face?
00:57:33.000 Asking for a friend.
00:57:39.000 Let's call my wife.
00:57:40.000 I've been getting into talking to her.
00:57:42.000 We're speaking again.
00:57:45.000 210, just wait a second.
00:57:46.000 Wait a second, 210.
00:57:47.000 Hello?
00:57:49.000 Hey, can you do me a favor and go into my bathroom, not the basement, but the one with our kids and show me that hemorrhoid medicine.
00:57:59.000 It's called like rhinoplasty or something.
00:58:03.000 You want me to take a picture of it?
00:58:04.000 No, just tell me what it's called.
00:58:05.000 Okay.
00:58:10.000 Is this making you horny at all or no?
00:58:14.000 And you're on speaker.
00:58:16.000 Okay.
00:58:17.000 You don't get horny on speaker?
00:58:19.000 Quiet!
00:58:22.000 Johnny, have you seen Dad's hemorrhoid cream?
00:58:29.000 My hemorrhoid cream?
00:58:30.000 You don't know anything about my life!
00:58:32.000 You don't care about me!
00:58:35.000 It's always about you!
00:58:38.000 Is it for temporary relief of pain and itching?
00:58:42.000 Just say the name.
00:58:43.000 It's called Preparation H. Proctofoam.
00:58:45.000 Yeah, Proctofoam.
00:58:52.000 Yeah.
00:58:53.000 Alrighty.
00:58:54.000 Yeah, Proctofoam.
00:58:55.000 Dude, a hundred bucks on Amazon.
00:58:57.000 I know that's insane.
00:58:58.000 It lasts for your life though and it really helps blast them.
00:59:02.000 Does it come out like mousse where you like squirt it and it's like... Yeah.
00:59:08.000 Before I had hemorrhoids, I was like, hemorrhoids, who fucking cares?
00:59:11.000 And then after I got them, every time I see someone who's had hemorrhoids, I'm like... A friend of mine just got surgery for his hemorrhoids.
00:59:18.000 That's gay.
00:59:19.000 Is it?
00:59:20.000 Yeah.
00:59:21.000 Take it like a man!
00:59:24.000 We got 210 on the line.
00:59:26.000 Go ahead, 210.
00:59:27.000 Yo, yo, yo, yo.
00:59:29.000 Hey, Gab, what's up?
00:59:30.000 Hey, by the way, this isn't my thing, but that dude has polyps.
00:59:35.000 That's not...
00:59:36.000 I don't think it's anything serious.
00:59:37.000 He has polyps in his stomach.
00:59:40.000 That sounds more reasonable.
00:59:41.000 A hemorrhoid is a turgid vein that falls out your ass and is hanging there.
00:59:48.000 You're not going to shit blood all week.
00:59:50.000 It's going to pop.
00:59:52.000 And then the blood will be gone.
00:59:54.000 It's like a zit.
00:59:55.000 A blood zit.
00:59:56.000 It's an anal blood zit.
00:59:58.000 By the way, anal blood zits are playing at Mercury Lounge on Friday if you guys want to go.
01:00:01.000 I know the bassist.
01:00:05.000 Okay, so my thing, why I'm calling, I don't know if this bothers you guys at all, but it fucking furiates me when people end a sentence with the word right, and they're not asking you a question.
01:00:19.000 And I see this on, like, the Young Turks all the time.
01:00:23.000 Like, fucking Cenk says this shit all the time.
01:00:25.000 Why do you watch the Young Turks?
01:00:30.000 For juicy gossip.
01:00:33.000 But yeah, like,
01:00:36.000 I don't know.
01:00:36.000 Have you ever noticed that?
01:00:37.000 Is that a thing to use?
01:00:38.000 Yeah, I think people who are slightly autistic have tics and they say, you know what I'm saying?
01:00:44.000 Or right.
01:00:46.000 And they end sentences with certain things.
01:00:48.000 I could learn to be annoyed by that.
01:00:50.000 I don't know if I'm that mad about it.
01:00:52.000 Oh, you grew up in Canada, eh?
01:00:54.000 Yeah.
01:00:55.000 I grew up in Canada where eh and fuck ended every sentence.
01:00:58.000 Fuck.
01:01:00.000 No way.
01:01:02.000 I think it's because to me, I'm in sales and I do that as like a way to get them to agree with me.
01:01:12.000 So it's kind of this little sneaky trick, but I think to me why it annoys me so much when other people do it, because they're obviously just in normal conversation, but it annoys me because it's like they're not confident with what they're saying, right?
01:01:25.000 Whoa!
01:01:27.000 You just did it.
01:01:29.000 Alright, thanks for calling.
01:01:31.000 I don't want to talk about this.
01:01:33.000 It reminds me though of something that does fucking piss me off and that is that a
01:01:38.000 Man who thinks he's a lesbian who has a dick was going to Russia to play women's basketball, which he should not be playing because that's for women.
01:01:51.000 And he was playing it in Russia, which also is kind of annoying because it's like, shouldn't Russian basketball just be Russians?
01:01:56.000 Why are we importing dudes to play female roles?
01:02:00.000 And as he's packing his bags, he's like, I like getting high.
01:02:05.000 Let me throw some of my fucking pot vape sticks in my bag.
01:02:09.000 Just without a second thought.
01:02:13.000 Probably an element of privilege in there, which is like I'm a sports star and no one checks me and I'm kind of like a diplomat.
01:02:20.000 That's kind of what I am.
01:02:23.000 And he imported a drug into a country that is very intolerant towards drug use.
01:02:31.000 And so he got arrested.
01:02:33.000 He was looking at nine years.
01:02:34.000 Now, I don't like Russia getting our citizens.
01:02:39.000 That annoys me no matter how shitty they are.
01:02:41.000 This guy was constantly taking a knee and talking about how much America sucks.
01:02:46.000 So he would sleep like a baby if I was arrested and thrown in prison in Russia.
01:02:52.000 But I shouldn't let that affect my how I feel about this thing.
01:02:56.000 So I do like the idea of America.
01:02:59.000 I know if Trump, if it was Trump, he'd be like, we're getting her back.
01:03:02.000 Get her over here.
01:03:04.000 Her.
01:03:06.000 But the fucking deal that Biden did where he released Victor Bout, basically Tony Stark of Russia, a major war criminal.
01:03:19.000 And why did this happen?
01:03:21.000 Because we're woke.
01:03:22.000 She's a black lesbian with dreads and it's good for the black vote.
01:03:27.000 So we did whatever they told us.
01:03:30.000 Why is Paul Whelan, you know who Paul Whelan is?
01:03:34.000 He's a Marine.
01:03:35.000 He was kind of nefarious in his past.
01:03:38.000 I think he stole like 10 grand or something.
01:03:40.000 He did some bad stuff back when he was in the Marines.
01:03:42.000 That's why he was dishonorably discharged.
01:03:45.000 They don't hire those kind of guys as spies, by the way.
01:03:48.000 If you have a criminal record, no.
01:03:50.000 But he was doing IT security for some like, I don't know, shipping company or some bullshit.
01:03:57.000 Some normal thing.
01:03:57.000 He knew a bunch about a Russian FBI agent, whatever the FBI is over there, the FDS.
01:04:04.000 And I think that FDS agent, what's it called?
01:04:08.000 Not FDS.
01:04:09.000 It's, um, FSB.
01:04:12.000 I think the FSB agent was like, get rid of him.
01:04:14.000 He knows too much about me.
01:04:14.000 I got drunk and I told him too much.
01:04:16.000 So they're like, fine.
01:04:17.000 16 years.
01:04:18.000 So he's rotting in prison.
01:04:20.000 An innocent man.
01:04:22.000 Ex-petty thief.
01:04:24.000 And we ignore him and we get the black chick.
01:04:29.000 Who I'm convinced is not a chick.
01:04:33.000 What a catastrophe.
01:04:35.000 A few fucking cartridges thrown in a bag.
01:04:40.000 And we have this guy.
01:04:42.000 On November 21st, 2011, Bout was convicted in a jury in a Manhattan federal court of conspiracy to kill U.S.
01:04:49.000 citizens and officials, delivery of anti-aircraft missiles,
01:04:55.000 And providing aid to a terrorist organization.
01:05:00.000 He was sentenced to a minimum of 25 years imprisonment because the crime was due to the Sting operation.
01:05:06.000 And then we have Paul Whelan.
01:05:09.000 Proof that he's innocent is, former CIA officers have stated that the CIA would not recruit an officer with Whelan's military record, nor leave an officer exposed without a diplomatic passport.
01:05:24.000 They further claim that Whelan's arrest is connected to tensions between Russia and the United States, including the detention of confessed unregistered foreign agent Maria Butina, who was a spy.
01:05:35.000 On December 20th, 2018, when discussing Butina's arrest, Russian President Vladimir Putin stated that Russia will not arrest innocent people simply to exchange them.
01:05:44.000 Oh, OK.
01:05:44.000 So I guess he's not doing it because he said he wasn't doing it.
01:05:48.000 Like, what the fuck's the matter with this country?
01:05:51.000 If someone's cool and famous and fits the woke narrative, we exchange war criminals to get them out?
01:05:59.000 The Merchant of Death.
01:06:01.000 What?
01:06:01.000 His nickname is The Merchant of Death.
01:06:02.000 The Merchant of Death!
01:06:05.000 Now, as far as death and murder goes, he does seem kind of cool.
01:06:09.000 He's got a killer mustache.
01:06:11.000 Yeah, he does look like in a movie.
01:06:13.000 If he was a bad guy, I'd be like, that's a cool bad guy.
01:06:16.000 However, when it comes to reality and fucking anti-aircraft missiles meant to destroy us.
01:06:26.000 And we just leave this guy, this 2-5, the Daily Mail article, we just leave him there to rot because, let's be honest, it's because he's a white male.
01:06:36.000 He's not as sexy.
01:06:38.000 I don't understand why I'm still sitting here.
01:06:40.000 My bags are packed.
01:06:41.000 Devastated Paul Whelan breaks his silence from Russian penal colony.
01:06:45.000 So he's in a labor camp as his brother slams his catastrophic exclusion from Brittany Grenier prisoner swap.
01:06:53.000 Jesus.
01:06:54.000 That is just wild.
01:06:57.000 I mean, I'd be less mad if a war criminal got out and we got two.
01:07:04.000 The left is so bad at prison negotiations.
01:07:06.000 Remember the Iran deal with Barack Obama?
01:07:09.000 Not that there's another Barack.
01:07:13.000 And we ended up giving them four billion dollars as a thank you for giving us some fucking innocent people that were imprisoned.
01:07:24.000 All right, let's
01:07:25.000 Let's go behind the paywall.
01:07:27.000 These people have been freeloading long enough.
01:07:30.000 It's time to take back the power.
01:07:33.000 By the way, I noticed a bunch of people were mad at us for keeping the Ye interview behind the paywall.
01:07:41.000 What?
01:07:42.000 Do you think you deserve free content?
01:07:45.000 That made us $120,000.
01:07:47.000 By the way, we got 1,200 subs.
01:07:50.000 We had to fly down there.
01:07:52.000 I'm not making everything free.
01:07:54.000 Are you mad when you go to McDonald's and shit isn't free?
01:07:57.000 We got to pay money for this shit.
01:07:58.000 And the people that pay for it.
01:08:00.000 Like when we get something real nice that they're like, hey, you paid for it.
01:08:03.000 Yeah, I want to show them respect because they subscribe to the network.
01:08:07.000 So I'm not going to fucking make everything cool free.
01:08:10.000 No.
01:08:13.000 And you'll notice, by the way, when you get business tips, it's from people who have nothing going on in their own business life.
01:08:18.000 They're like, you should be on YouTube for free.
01:08:21.000 Just give it away.
01:08:22.000 I should blow you.
01:08:25.000 Guys, the cure to hemorrhoids is a steady Metamucil or Posacilum regimen.
01:08:30.000 I take 25 Metamucil capsules per day.
01:08:33.000 What?
01:08:34.000 And I don't even have to wipe anymore.
01:08:36.000 Helps with hangovers too.
01:08:37.000 A good shit cleans out the colon.
01:08:38.000 That allows for more water absorption.
01:08:40.000 I mean, I guess I'll try it.
01:08:42.000 That seems gross.
01:08:43.000 You got these slimy shits dripping out of your ass all day.
01:08:47.000 And what's the second one there?
01:08:48.000 Did we already do that?
01:08:49.000 That was the downer.
01:08:52.000 So we're going behind the paywall now.
01:08:53.000 We're sticking around.
01:08:55.000 Subscribers, stick around.
01:08:56.000 Don't be disheartened.
01:08:58.000 Nuggles, who is what we call people who don't subscribe.
01:09:02.000 We tried Muggles, but we got sued by Harry Potter.
01:09:06.000 Nuggles, this is our goodbye.
01:09:07.000 We'll see you next week.
01:09:09.000 And until then, get fired, get in trouble, be brave, and never stop fighting.
01:09:29.000 Who is going to be cleaning your toilet, Donald Trump?
01:09:32.000 Shut up, Janet.