Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes


GOML LIVE #59 - LIVE FROM ATLANTIC CITY (Part 1)


Summary

The boys take a vacation to Atlantic City, where they play golf, gamble, and try to figure out if they re gay. Also, Ryan accidentally sees his dick in the bathtub, and the boys discuss why it's a bad idea to wear underwear in the pool. Also, the boys talk about a new invention that could be used to keep your dick from being seen by other people, and why they think it s a good idea to be naked in front of other people. And, of course, there's a story about Joe Biden and his "faggot hair" and why he's probably not gay. Logo by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. The theme song is Come Alone by Suneaters, courtesy of Lotuspool Records. Art: Mackenzie Moore Music: Hayden Coplen Editor: Steven Kanter Editor: Patrick Muldowney Music: Jeff Perla Additional Compositions by Jeff Kaale (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 45, 47, 44, 45 & 45, 45 , 47, 46, 48, 49, 51, 50, 56, 51 , 51, 54, 57, 56 , 56, 58, 51, , , 54, 61, 57, 56, 60, 59, 58, 1, 1, 1 , & , 1, 61, 1 and so on, & so on! Do you have a story to tell us what you would like us to know about a secret place you ve got in your life? Please reach us on Anchor. . Thanks for listening to this episode. , and we'll get back to it in the next week with a new episode of GYML Live on our socials! Subscribe to our new show on Apple Podcasts! Subscribe on Podchaser Subscribe on iTunes! Thanks to GMAIL! and


Transcript

00:00:16.000 So you're recording now?
00:00:22.000 Good boy.
00:00:25.000 I want to make it clear that co-workers can go on a secret vacation to, say, Atlantic City, and it's clearly not a date.
00:00:39.000 It's guys taking a break.
00:00:43.000 Guys who have a company together, right?
00:00:47.000 Yeah.
00:00:48.000 Who are hanging out, and fucking kicking ass and kicking me?
00:00:54.000 What's that gate?
00:00:54.000 I don't even, actually don't even get the whole concept of, like, that gate.
00:01:02.000 Right.
00:01:03.000 Like, you know, in the 50s, you know, you saw that movie, The Irishman, Joe Pesci and De Niro, they go around, they're partying, they're like, combing each other's hair, and they're not gay.
00:01:16.000 Right.
00:01:17.000 How is this gay?
00:01:18.000 That we secretly left our, my family and your whatever, non-family, and went and hid in Atlantic City and played golf and gambled.
00:01:34.000 That's a great point.
00:01:35.000 The only problem with this vacation is Ryan crying himself to sleep every night.
00:01:41.000 Because I'm like, why are you sad?
00:01:44.000 I'm afraid to mention that.
00:01:46.000 Let me turn off the, uh... Kill the bubbles, man.
00:01:55.000 Kill the bugs.
00:01:55.000 Okay.
00:01:57.000 Alright, so we're doing a show here.
00:01:59.000 I hope people don't see my penis.
00:02:13.000 I think that'd be strange.
00:02:16.000 Isn't it more a game to hide your penis and balls from me?
00:02:21.000 Maybe.
00:02:21.000 Now that you mention it.
00:02:26.000 Yeah, I don't care about my penis and balls.
00:02:28.000 I do.
00:02:28.000 I'll hit them in your face.
00:02:30.000 I'll hit them in your mother's face.
00:02:32.000 Your feet are touching mine.
00:02:34.000 That's terrible.
00:02:36.000 That's part of the joke.
00:02:37.000 Oh, let's go.
00:02:37.000 That's why we're in a tiny bathtub.
00:02:40.000 That's why it's funny.
00:02:47.000 Right?
00:02:47.000 That's the joke.
00:02:52.000 Alright, so we're going to do GYML Live.
00:02:55.000 We obviously can't take calls.
00:02:57.000 We had some trouble with shows this week.
00:03:01.000 So we put up Monday.
00:03:03.000 We pre-recorded a Tuesday mailbag.
00:03:06.000 It did not work because Ryan didn't send it to the cloud.
00:03:13.000 He brought it to his home.
00:03:15.000 Which is just north of the Bronx.
00:03:18.000 And north of the Bronx is a dead zone.
00:03:20.000 So we can't get to his computer.
00:03:23.000 Because we're out in Atlantic City.
00:03:25.000 We could drive back.
00:03:26.000 Power outages.
00:03:27.000 But we don't respect you enough to drive back.
00:03:32.000 Are these stirrups?
00:03:34.000 I think this is how you... John Lennon apparently stayed here during a movie.
00:03:39.000 Don't show that.
00:03:41.000 You could have just left the briefs on.
00:03:43.000 I don't understand why the naked part is so important.
00:03:45.000 Well, now you have to dry that shit and we're leaving tomorrow morning.
00:03:49.000 That's fine.
00:03:49.000 I'll throw these underwears away.
00:03:50.000 I mean, as far as the... Throw these underwears away?
00:03:54.000 Yeah.
00:03:54.000 I have underwear under the swim trunks because the netting bothers my genitals.
00:04:01.000 And I'll just dry the swim trunks.
00:04:06.000 The netting doesn't bother your jandals?
00:04:09.000 No.
00:04:09.000 This is the lie of your generation.
00:04:12.000 No.
00:04:12.000 You people wear underwear with your bathing suit.
00:04:16.000 I don't usually do that, but this is like an old-fashioned one.
00:04:20.000 There's a hand-me-down from I don't even know who, and it's rough.
00:04:24.000 You wouldn't like this.
00:04:25.000 It's rough.
00:04:25.000 Oh, it's sandpaper on your dick.
00:04:27.000 I wouldn't say sandpaper.
00:04:29.000 So someone built a bathing suit that corrodes a bag.
00:04:34.000 Yeah, there's plenty of room for innovation when they made this.
00:04:36.000 No, that's not fucking true!
00:04:38.000 I'll tell you what's going on.
00:04:40.000 Your generation, your people... I thought you were going to say my genitals.
00:04:45.000 ...are so paranoid that someone looks at your fucking dick, which is gay by the way, that you wear underwear so no one sees the contours of your penis.
00:04:57.000 The same way you're playing with your faggot hair right now.
00:05:13.000 Did you see that Joe Biden thing?
00:05:14.000 If my dick shows up in the stream, keep in mind that it's quite cold.
00:05:19.000 We've had this water prepared for an hour.
00:05:22.000 Yeah, and where'd the bubbles go?
00:05:24.000 How did you eradicate them?
00:05:25.000 Turned the bubbles on.
00:05:28.000 I know you're filming, sir, but is there a way to achieve a beer year?
00:05:34.000 Let's throw some code names, because everybody's anonymous. 13.
00:05:40.000 Are gay lovers?
00:05:42.000 No, definitely not that.
00:05:43.000 Everyone we're with here is gay.
00:05:46.000 That's not true.
00:05:47.000 We're at a gay secret resort.
00:05:50.000 No, we're not.
00:05:51.000 I don't know why you'd want to put that up.
00:05:55.000 But, uh, is that a full beer?
00:05:56.000 Is that a... Is there... Can you... All right, let's do the news.
00:06:04.000 In the news today, Beirut,
00:06:08.000 So when I saw Beirut blow up, which looked like a nuclear explosion, I went, oh shit!
00:06:17.000 And I did something we all do in the West, where we put our brains in other cultures brains, and we go, oh, if you had a Hiroshima,
00:06:28.000 In your country, like, say, Iowa had a Hiroshima.
00:06:32.000 We'd go, well, that can't be a mistake.
00:06:34.000 That must be some major fuckin' problem.
00:06:37.000 No.
00:06:38.000 Arabs are retarded.
00:06:41.000 So, what they did was, they were storing ammonium nitrate to the tune of this entire hotel.
00:06:49.000 It was, uh, the Unabomber?
00:06:51.000 Oh, no, no, uh... Unabomber levels!
00:06:55.000 Actually, the exact same amount.
00:06:58.000 Because this killed 100 people.
00:06:59.000 I don't know how much Timothy McVeigh killed.
00:07:01.000 I think he may have killed 800 people?
00:07:04.000 Weren't the numbers that he used 2 tons and then this explosion was like 200 tons or something like that?
00:07:10.000 You know what I think about, like, Timothy McVeigh just did it in an afternoon.
00:07:14.000 This had been there for 6 years.
00:07:17.000 And the inspectors went, ah, you're going to blow up all of Beirut.
00:07:20.000 This is really bad.
00:07:22.000 And they go, ah, I think we're good.
00:07:24.000 Wasn't that the exact quote?
00:07:25.000 You're going to blow up all of Beirut?
00:07:26.000 Yeah, the exact quote was, you're going to blow up all of Beirut.
00:07:33.000 Ow.
00:07:42.000 And, uh... You turn off the jets, please.
00:07:44.000 Alright, so there's that.
00:07:47.000 And so, have we explained why there's no show?
00:07:50.000 We did.
00:07:52.000 You fucked up.
00:07:53.000 Yep.
00:07:55.000 Should I apologize?
00:07:56.000 I'm sorry.
00:07:57.000 Now, I don't think apologies mean anything.
00:08:00.000 That's a good point.
00:08:00.000 Like, why apologize?
00:08:01.000 It's... If it happens again, that's bad.
00:08:05.000 If you just learn from it, that'll be good.
00:08:07.000 I see Censored.tv as a machine, as like a horse.
00:08:11.000 So, the fact that you didn't upload this is like a broken foot on the left horse leg.
00:08:19.000 Right.
00:08:20.000 But it can heal.
00:08:21.000 Oh, we gotta bandage that up.
00:08:23.000 Yeah, that's about it.
00:08:29.000 Down for the count?
00:08:30.000 Is there another beer I can get?
00:08:34.000 Uh, let me see.
00:08:38.000 Should I holler?
00:08:40.000 Is it gay that we're sharing the same beer?
00:08:42.000 Oh, I can text.
00:08:43.000 Yeah.
00:08:44.000 I mean, there's a lot of gay things already in play, and I just don't want that to be a thing.
00:08:50.000 So, I feel like if I started a beer and I gifted it to you, that's fine, but if we're just going back and forth, that's very weird.
00:08:56.000 It's just my thing.
00:08:58.000 Okay, let's also go through the news.
00:09:00.000 Um, what else do we have going on?
00:09:03.000 We have, uh, uh, the Seattle, Washington, um, governor did very well in the elections.
00:09:12.000 He nailed it.
00:09:13.000 He got 51% of the votes.
00:09:16.000 So this is during CHOP, during CHAZ, the guy fucking, what are you doing?
00:09:22.000 Texting beer.
00:09:24.000 Texting beer.
00:09:26.000 The guy did amazing.
00:09:29.000 That's shocking to me.
00:09:32.000 How the fuck did Seattle's governor, Washington's governor, do well and win 51% of the votes during CHOP and CHAZ and all this shit?
00:09:48.000 It was only two Democratic candidates too.
00:09:52.000 There was no Republican choice.
00:09:54.000 Really?
00:09:55.000 Didn't I hear that?
00:09:55.000 Yeah.
00:09:57.000 Thumbs up on that?
00:09:57.000 Is that true?
00:09:59.000 Yeah.
00:09:59.000 He doesn't know.
00:10:00.000 There was only two.
00:10:01.000 There was ten, like, uh... I think there were 35.
00:10:04.000 ...candidates total, and then it was just down to two Democrats.
00:10:09.000 Um, can we light the, uh, jets again?
00:10:13.000 Because my dick is... Do the bubbles just come out?
00:10:20.000 Or do you have to add, like, bubble bath?
00:10:22.000 I added bubble bath.
00:10:23.000 But the jets kick it up.
00:10:24.000 Oh, okay.
00:10:26.000 I have that annoying bubble thing in my swim shorts.
00:10:29.000 So yeah, that is weird.
00:10:32.000 And so in Seattle, Trump is completely gone, though, right?
00:10:34.000 I feel like with you, Ryan, though, like, your job is politics, right?
00:10:39.000 Right.
00:10:40.000 So you... The fact that I laughed at that.
00:10:43.000 You have to pretend to care.
00:10:45.000 I don't really care.
00:10:46.000 No, I do.
00:10:47.000 I find it fascinating.
00:10:48.000 Now I do.
00:10:49.000 Like me and Tony, right?
00:10:51.000 Tony at Censored TV.
00:10:53.000 Uh-huh.
00:10:54.000 We have kids, we're worried about taxes, we're worried about the future of the country.
00:11:00.000 Like, you were living in a youth hospital before I met you.
00:11:04.000 I don't think you really care about politics.
00:11:06.000 Sure I do.
00:11:07.000 I talk about politics to all sorts of people.
00:11:10.000 And, uh, I care.
00:11:11.000 I care.
00:11:11.000 Here's things I care about.
00:11:12.000 I care about a lot of the social things, like the cultural, uh, things, like ways it impacts people that don't know about politics.
00:11:19.000 That's where I'm coming at it from.
00:11:20.000 Like, as a person who isn't politically, hasn't been politically engaged all my life, if it's affecting my life, like I get in trouble for saying this, I'm gonna get fired for saying that.
00:11:30.000 Then it's, or like comedians.
00:11:31.000 That's what got me into it in the first place.
00:11:33.000 I'm like, that guy lost his job because he said, you know, this word, or whatever.
00:11:36.000 That's when it starts to affect my life and I have to
00:11:42.000 Well, I like comedians.
00:11:44.000 I think I relate to people who do comedy, but I'm not a comedian, as we've seen from my Imperial Guitar stand-up.
00:11:51.000 Why don't you do your bit that you did?
00:11:52.000 I don't want to do that.
00:11:54.000 Do it.
00:11:55.000 Which one?
00:11:56.000 There's so many.
00:11:56.000 All caps.
00:11:58.000 Oh, that's the worst one?
00:11:59.000 Okay.
00:12:00.000 So, my dad, you know, he's a Japanese guy, so when he writes, like, a letter to me,
00:12:09.000 A letter.
00:12:11.000 So is it a pen?
00:12:13.000 Yeah.
00:12:14.000 You mean an email?
00:12:16.000 No, no, no.
00:12:16.000 This was when he used to write me letters.
00:12:18.000 Oh.
00:12:20.000 And so he just does all caps because he didn't learn lowercase and all that.
00:12:24.000 So it's pretty easy.
00:12:24.000 Instead of learning the lower caps and all that, it's all caps.
00:12:29.000 So when you're reading it, it sounds like he's just yelling.
00:12:32.000 Sounds like the kind of lazy guy who would just fuck a Puerto Rican hairdresser.
00:12:37.000 Get her pregnant and then go, oh, something wrong with that.
00:12:40.000 And then just like fly to LA.
00:12:42.000 He said nothing wrong with that.
00:12:43.000 Because he was like, I didn't do anything wrong.
00:12:46.000 And uh, do you want to go to the beach?
00:12:50.000 That's the big punchline.
00:12:52.000 Are you playing with your testicles?
00:12:54.000 No, I'm drying my butthole.
00:12:56.000 I can't believe I'm in the same... You know, I thought it was just gonna be you in the tub, so I was gonna piss in the tub.
00:13:02.000 And then tell you that... I don't care.
00:13:05.000 No, it's not fun, but...
00:13:07.000 It's just really ammonia.
00:13:08.000 And then have everybody here pee in the tub and then tell you afterwards?
00:13:12.000 But then I'm glad it didn't because... This is not shit.
00:13:15.000 Okay, so let me try your joke.
00:13:16.000 Right.
00:13:18.000 So my dad is an immigrant.
00:13:20.000 And immigrants are cool.
00:13:21.000 You know, they built this country.
00:13:23.000 They're good at their job.
00:13:25.000 They fuckin' came in here and kicked ass and took names.
00:13:29.000 I think they had a civil war.
00:13:30.000 Didn't they get all the land from the Indians?
00:13:33.000 They did a good job.
00:13:34.000 They did a good job.
00:13:35.000 But my dad's from Japan and he's a lazy piece of shit who is not around for me.
00:13:40.000 And what he does is he doesn't understand uppercase lowercase.
00:13:45.000 Which is kind of a big deal.
00:13:48.000 It's kind of a big deal.
00:13:50.000 I'm actually getting insecure about this bit as I do it.
00:13:53.000 I'm with you.
00:13:54.000 So he texts me and he goes, we should go to the beach.
00:14:00.000 But he does it in all caps.
00:14:08.000 I'm scared.
00:14:10.000 I'm scared for myself.
00:14:11.000 I'm scared for my family.
00:14:12.000 And he goes, we will have a good time!
00:14:15.000 And I get nervous that I'm being kidnapped.
00:14:19.000 And then I realize I'm dealing with a fucking... That's not bad, that's not bad.
00:14:24.000 The delivery of the actual voice, I'd say... Thank you.
00:14:30.000 If I see Dick, I think that they can.
00:14:32.000 So, if you could be the judge on that.
00:14:35.000 Where if you see genitals, maybe kick around.
00:14:38.000 That's why I came on.
00:14:39.000 You saw my genitals?
00:14:41.000 Yeah.
00:14:41.000 Okay, so keep in mind how cold it is in the water.
00:14:47.000 It's not representational.
00:14:49.000 No, but you hate.
00:14:51.000 So we can't take calls.
00:14:54.000 We are dealing with... Would you mind if I went like this?
00:14:57.000 Go ahead.
00:14:58.000 Sure, make yourself at home.
00:14:59.000 You're the boss.
00:15:01.000 We're dealing with a guy who lives north of the Bronx, and all his data is stuck in a thing where even if we could call someone and say, get that show off the scene... It'd be terrible.
00:15:16.000 They need...
00:15:17.000 They need power and they need internet.
00:15:21.000 Right.
00:15:22.000 And also my fish tank is, there's a heater and a filter.
00:15:26.000 Oh, are your baits dead?
00:15:27.000 No, they're very hardy.
00:15:29.000 They'll live.
00:15:30.000 I guess my text went unanswered.
00:15:35.000 But yeah, that definitely is a problem.
00:15:39.000 But they're good episodes.
00:15:40.000 The Mailbag 1 and 2.
00:15:42.000 And then Thursday's gonna be really good.
00:15:44.000 That is the...
00:15:46.000 We can tease it, right?
00:15:47.000 We can mention it.
00:15:48.000 So what we recorded was a Monday Mail Diary?
00:15:54.000 Seen a lot of dick?
00:15:58.000 Not a lot, but...
00:16:00.000 Maybe we should do a straight guy blowjob.
00:16:05.000 That's never been done.
00:16:07.000 I don't understand the value of that.
00:16:09.000 It might be funny.
00:16:10.000 Let's do this as a bit.
00:16:11.000 It might be.
00:16:12.000 Like you blow me, kidding.
00:16:15.000 And I'll be like, what the?
00:16:16.000 This is so stupid.
00:16:17.000 I'm just saying, what's the give and take?
00:16:19.000 This is so retarded.
00:16:20.000 Let's say it is really funny.
00:16:21.000 What are we sacrificing to get to that?
00:16:25.000 We're making fun of the whole everyone has to be gay thing.
00:16:28.000 So you blow me.
00:16:29.000 Is that a thing?
00:16:30.000 Right?
00:16:31.000 And I'll be like, this is so stupid.
00:16:33.000 And then you could be like, what am I even doing?
00:16:36.000 And then after the third hour, we both go, we're stopping this.
00:16:41.000 This is ridiculous.
00:16:41.000 That's a lot of time.
00:16:44.000 This is a joke.
00:16:45.000 Neither of us enjoyed this.
00:16:46.000 I'd just like to ask you, what other type of joke goes for three hours?
00:16:52.000 Did you fart?
00:16:53.000 No, that was...
00:16:59.000 You know what's funny?
00:17:02.000 I swear to God I didn't knock first.
00:17:07.000 Are you serious?
00:17:08.000 I swear on my children's life.
00:17:10.000 Alright, so we got the Beirut thing.
00:17:14.000 What other news items should we discuss?
00:17:18.000 Kill the news.
00:17:19.000 It's not going very well.
00:17:22.000 So the news has... I know what I can talk about.
00:17:25.000 So we're sitting at a hotel in an undisclosed location, possibly Atlantic City.
00:17:31.000 We gambled last night with this fucking asshole who has this... His arrogance is unprecedented.
00:17:39.000 So he goes, here's 200 bucks.
00:17:41.000 Put it in the vending machine because we can only do vending machines.
00:17:45.000 And he goes, keep pushing the $100 one for 40 times
00:17:51.000 And then push the $2,000 one, and we're all going to get rich.
00:17:55.000 Right.
00:17:55.000 And I go, well, that sounds great.
00:17:57.000 So I do it.
00:17:58.000 This is your first time doing slots?
00:18:00.000 Yes.
00:18:01.000 Right.
00:18:02.000 22, 23, 24.
00:18:02.000 And I get to 40, and then I hit the $2,000 thing.
00:18:07.000 You lost.
00:18:08.000 You just lost all your money.
00:18:10.000 And he's like, he doesn't even go, oh shit, I'm wrong.
00:18:14.000 Because he's a sales guy.
00:18:15.000 You've got to warm him up.
00:18:17.000 He says.
00:18:18.000 Hey, we'll do it again.
00:18:20.000 And so I spent like $400 making $73.
00:18:23.000 Yeah.
00:18:24.000 And he's like, we won!
00:18:25.000 I fucking hate casinos.
00:18:28.000 Thanks.
00:18:30.000 Is it just one?
00:18:30.000 And here's my other problem with the guys we're staying with.
00:18:34.000 Thanks.
00:18:34.000 The fucking showers.
00:18:36.000 Like, the guy filming right now, he will have a shower for 40 minutes.
00:18:43.000 Like, I don't even think our systems with our boilers and everything are designed for that.
00:18:50.000 But he'll watch, he has a waterproof phone, he'll watch YouTube videos.
00:18:54.000 I do that too.
00:18:55.000 You do that too?
00:18:57.000 It's a great time.
00:18:58.000 To do it, to watch YouTube videos.
00:19:01.000 Because you're not going anywhere.
00:19:06.000 That's so self indulgent.
00:19:07.000 But I don't use shampoo.
00:19:08.000 I don't give a fuck.
00:19:10.000 So you'll sit there and you'll watch like what, a 20 minute video?
00:19:13.000 No, no.
00:19:14.000 With water on it?
00:19:15.000 I'll just listen to... Like where's the phone?
00:19:18.000 You prop it up in the soap holder or something like that.
00:19:21.000 Or you put it on the sink next to the shower.
00:19:24.000 Right?
00:19:24.000 He's trying.
00:19:27.000 And you're watching a video in a soap holder.
00:19:30.000 I listen.
00:19:30.000 Do you watch?
00:19:32.000 I listen.
00:19:34.000 I'm a listener when it comes to the shower.
00:19:36.000 How long will that go for?
00:19:38.000 Normal shower time.
00:19:39.000 And what you're getting ready to hear.
00:19:40.000 No, no.
00:19:40.000 Normal shower time is one minute.
00:19:43.000 That's not true for me.
00:19:44.000 Can we bubble this up?
00:19:45.000 Oh, thank you.
00:19:48.000 You want to take calls over speakerphone?
00:19:51.000 Can we do that?
00:19:52.000 I just thought of it.
00:19:53.000 I think we can.
00:19:55.000 Yeah, I'll take calls.
00:19:56.000 Oh shit, we got Vincent's fucking readings, dude.
00:19:59.000 Oh.
00:20:00.000 This is brought to you by... Johnny Apple CBD.
00:20:04.000 Great sponsor.
00:20:05.000 Love them to death.
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00:20:19.000 Also, Bubba and Sparks.
00:20:22.000 Hanks.
00:20:23.000 Bubba and Hanks.
00:20:24.000 Bubba and Hanks beef.
00:20:25.000 Best hamburgers I've ever had in my life.
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00:20:30.000 Wagyu beef.
00:20:30.000 This is a family owned operation and it's the freshest stuff ever, basically.
00:20:37.000 And they'll ship it out to you.
00:20:38.000 This guy was cynical.
00:20:39.000 This guy said, I don't want it.
00:20:42.000 And he got it and he was like,
00:20:43.000 I like it now!
00:20:47.000 But Johnny Apple, they've got the ointments.
00:20:51.000 The tinctures.
00:20:51.000 The tinctures.
00:20:52.000 If you don't want to eat the CBD, you can put the ointment on your body.
00:20:56.000 They have it for pets.
00:20:57.000 You can put the ointment on your body.
00:20:59.000 I don't see what's wrong with that.
00:21:02.000 That's what I should do.
00:21:03.000 I should just shut up and literally do video sound drop imitations.
00:21:06.000 Yeah, I'd love to take calls, Kevin.
00:21:09.000 I need to grab someone.
00:21:15.000 This human being can't- By the way, John Wayne stayed in this bathtub.
00:21:21.000 But the guy who rented this penthouse, whatever it is, he goes, John Wayne stayed here, and I was like, yeah, it's possibly hated in here.
00:21:29.000 He was like, I don't like this fucking shit at all.
00:21:32.000 When I shot that movie, I had to stay at that fucking shit-hole motel.
00:21:37.000 Everybody praises it.
00:21:38.000 Me and my mom were like pissing everywhere.
00:21:39.000 It's not like every toilet John Wayne took a shit in.
00:21:47.000 He probably walked down 33rd Street, too.
00:21:49.000 Yeah.
00:21:50.000 Did he make that magical?
00:21:51.000 Probably went to fuckin' Bushwick.
00:21:54.000 Yeah.
00:21:55.000 Speaking of Bushwick... Oh, and also, if you see Gavin's penis, you have to hit the bubbles.
00:22:02.000 It's a little cold.
00:22:04.000 Well, that's not the main promise.
00:22:05.000 It's the nudity.
00:22:06.000 So what are you doing?
00:22:07.000 Are you filming the live stream?
00:22:10.000 I have no idea.
00:22:11.000 I think you are.
00:22:13.000 Um, can we hit the bubbles?
00:22:18.000 I love how you're so worried about my foot.
00:22:22.000 I am.
00:22:23.000 Because I'm so close to it.
00:22:26.000 Her.
00:22:26.000 I'm so close to him.
00:22:27.000 You know when it's big enough to wrap around your neck twice?
00:22:30.000 I'll just take your word for it.
00:22:33.000 No need to... Ow, my foot!
00:22:40.000 So, is this part of the line?
00:22:41.000 Yeah.
00:22:42.000 That's not what that's for, huh?
00:22:48.000 So, we can't tell people where we are?
00:22:54.000 We can't tell people who we're with?
00:22:57.000 It's going pretty good.
00:22:58.000 Isn't that weird though?
00:22:59.000 Like if you're a liberal and you're fucking Chris Hayes or Rachel Maddow.
00:23:06.000 You could literally be like, here's my baby's address.
00:23:08.000 Yeah, here's my kid.
00:23:09.000 Go send her a gift.
00:23:11.000 I'll actually send you my kid for the weekend.
00:23:12.000 Here's her address.
00:23:13.000 Just send her back.
00:23:14.000 I can't send my fucking nephew's address.
00:23:17.000 I can't even acknowledge my cousins and their names.
00:23:22.000 Absolutely.
00:23:25.000 Yeah.
00:23:29.000 Tony, is this going on the site?
00:23:33.000 I think so.
00:23:34.000 Do you mind passing me the phone?
00:23:37.000 What are you going to do with the zits on your forehead?
00:23:38.000 Can't you get a cream?
00:23:45.000 It's so rude.
00:23:47.000 So you just had a Skype interview, correct?
00:23:50.000 Yeah.
00:23:51.000 And you've never talked to this person before?
00:23:53.000 No, never.
00:23:54.000 And the first thing that came out of your mouth is, wow, you have a lot of acne.
00:23:59.000 Yeah.
00:23:59.000 And then you said, well, I've done a lot to treat it.
00:24:01.000 And then you said, well, obviously it doesn't work.
00:24:03.000 And you don't know this man.
00:24:04.000 That's correct.
00:24:06.000 It's a little rude.
00:24:08.000 Yes.
00:24:11.000 No part of you wanted to stop saying that.
00:24:13.000 I don't like, like imagine sitting here in a hot tub alone.
00:24:17.000 We're doing this as a joke and it's funny because it's like a gay thing with the jink.
00:24:22.000 I don't think so.
00:24:23.000 But like imagine no one knew I was here.
00:24:27.000 And I'm sitting here in this bath.
00:24:31.000 Just getting a hot... Like, it's not stimulating.
00:24:34.000 I couldn't imagine... Now, you get massages.
00:24:39.000 You're not part of this discussion.
00:24:41.000 But, like, sitting here alone.
00:24:43.000 All alone.
00:24:43.000 I understand if you... You're probably... If you're Tom Lane, you probably brought a groupie back, and you're fucking... Maybe you fucked her up against that.
00:24:51.000 That makes sense.
00:24:52.000 I get that.
00:24:53.000 But the idea of just being alone...
00:24:56.000 And this is a one-person tub.
00:24:57.000 I don't get alone.
00:24:59.000 Like, these guys who go on vacation alone, and they go swimming, and then they go, they put a fucking towel on the beach, and they're like... That's also me.
00:25:09.000 And then they go, and they eat, like, a pineapple surprise at the Hawaiian, like, what are you doing?
00:25:17.000 That's my favorite treat, pineapple surprise.
00:25:19.000 I said, I talked about this once with my brother-in-law.
00:25:23.000 And then I realized that's all he does.
00:25:25.000 Oh, yeah, yeah.
00:25:25.000 He got super pissed.
00:25:27.000 That hurt my feelings when you were... You have hurt me today.
00:25:30.000 Yeah, I didn't realize.
00:25:31.000 Yeah.
00:25:31.000 I go on the beach, I lay down alone, I get massages, I would do a hot tub if there was one.
00:25:36.000 Yeah, that's gay.
00:25:36.000 But I'm starting to see your point.
00:25:37.000 It's not even gay.
00:25:38.000 Like, for example, the reason we can't show the show is that Ryan has no friends.
00:25:45.000 Well, that's not true.
00:25:45.000 Yes, it is.
00:25:48.000 Well, if I had...
00:25:50.000 You're right.
00:25:51.000 Well, I have friends, but none... What is that?
00:25:55.000 None that are in close enough proximity to help a brother out.
00:26:02.000 I have a thousand friends.
00:26:04.000 First of all, I'm the most hated man in my community because I'm a MAGA guy in a liberal enclave.
00:26:11.000 Yet, I have at least twenty friends that would eat a bullet for me.
00:26:16.000 Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating, but... I would eat a bullet for you.
00:26:21.000 A chocolate bullet.
00:26:22.000 Just like drink it?
00:26:23.000 Like a pill?
00:26:23.000 Yeah.
00:26:24.000 No.
00:26:25.000 I got a million friends.
00:26:26.000 You have no friends.
00:26:27.000 I got a lot of friends.
00:26:28.000 No you don't.
00:26:29.000 Sure I do.
00:26:29.000 No you don't.
00:26:30.000 You play fucking solitaire.
00:26:31.000 You guys are my friends.
00:26:32.000 You play solitaire and these guys live at the other end of the world.
00:26:35.000 And it's detrimental to our heritage.
00:26:40.000 We can't fix these shows.
00:26:42.000 We have Tuesday's show and Thursday's show.
00:26:45.000 And we can't.
00:26:48.000 Oh Jesus.
00:26:49.000 What?
00:26:51.000 I'm trying to stretch.
00:26:52.000 I don't think stretching is an important part of it.
00:26:55.000 Please don't get that close.
00:26:57.000 What are you talking about?
00:26:58.000 My back is all stiff.
00:26:59.000 I'm trying to relax.
00:27:01.000 This is hell.
00:27:02.000 This is me being comfortable.
00:27:03.000 Thank you, God.
00:27:05.000 Oh yeah, let's also fucking get the jets going.
00:27:09.000 We've got calls.
00:27:10.000 Oh wow.
00:27:13.000 How about an outgoing one to the police department?
00:27:21.000 Sir, are you okay?
00:27:24.000 Is there a suicide hotline available?
00:27:27.000 Oh, my leg is so smushed.
00:27:32.000 So, there's a bunch of things that we're looking forward to.
00:27:35.000 This Thursday you have the How to Be a Dad special.
00:27:42.000 I'm hyping up the show.
00:27:44.000 It's really good.
00:27:44.000 Maybe you should get some friends.
00:27:46.000 Sure.
00:27:46.000 I guess that'll help.
00:27:48.000 You can't get pussy if you don't have male friends.
00:27:53.000 I got male friends.
00:27:54.000 You gotta be gregarious.
00:27:56.000 All your friends are back at your grandmother's house.
00:27:58.000 Not everybody thinks I need so much help getting laid.
00:28:00.000 It's like, I'm loving my life.
00:28:02.000 I'm living, laughing, loving.
00:28:04.000 Ah, shut up.
00:28:05.000 No.
00:28:06.000 You need, like, you play solitary.
00:28:08.000 You need to have male friends.
00:28:14.000 You know what?
00:28:15.000 I just made a walkie-talkie.
00:28:16.000 What about John Asian Trump?
00:28:17.000 That's what I'm saying.
00:28:18.000 That guy's an amazing dude.
00:28:19.000 We're walkie-talkie friends.
00:28:20.000 Here, look.
00:28:21.000 I can walkie-talkie him right now.
00:28:23.000 Did we... Can we say that we golfed?
00:28:26.000 Yeah.
00:28:27.000 We golfed.
00:28:29.000 And, uh, you did pretty good.
00:28:32.000 I beat you all.
00:28:34.000 So that's pretty good, yeah.
00:28:37.000 I destroyed you all.
00:28:39.000 And I fucked up a hundred times.
00:28:41.000 Anyway, let's take a call.