Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - March 25, 2021


GOML LIVE #91 | YES DAY (Part 1)

Topics
Hail Mary band at LaGuardia High Hotel Rescue show TacticalWalls.com sponsorship commercial real estate renovations
Hosted by
Gavin McInnes
Mentioned
Hail Mary Johnny Apple CBD Mark Ruffalo Will Ron Paul Trump Ryan Gordon Ramsay Dave England Rudy Fleming Chula Vista Hotel Hell Jonah Hill Joe Biden Nat Faxon JohnnyAppleCBD Smithing Gavin15 Ramsey Ryguy Oprah and 24 more
S03E89 - AHMAD AL ALIWI ALISSA S03E91 - DEREK CHAUVIN TRIAL - LIVE

Episode Stats


Length

36 minutes

Words per minute

161.66

Word count

5,879

Sentence count

791

Harmful content

Misogyny

39

sentences flagged

Toxicity

262

sentences flagged

Hate speech

31

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

Duncan calls his daughter to get a band that plays in Tompkins Square Park and they go to LaGuardia High, but he can't find them. Will they be the band he's been looking for? And will it be a good one? Plus, a call from a woman who thinks she knows the band, but it's not the one she thinks it is. Plus, the return of the Hot Topic manager, Julie, and a new guest star from the show Hotel Rescue. Get Off My Lawn is a podcast about life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Hosted by John Rocha ( ) and Matt Knost ( ), and produced by Patrick Muldowney ( ). Logo by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. The theme song is by Suneaters, courtesy of Epitaph Records, and our ad music is by Hot Topic. Please rate and review the show on Apple Podcasts! Subscribe to the podcast on iTunes and leave us a rating and review on your favorite streaming platform so we can keep bringing you more episodes! Thank you so much for all the love, support, and support the show, and spread the word to your friends and family! Get off my Lawn. Get On My Lawn. Get Off Your Lawn. Don t Be That Lawn! Get On Their Lawn! - Get Off Their Lawn. #GetOn Their Lawn, Get Into Their Lawns. - P.S. & Get Into Your Lawns, by PODCAST? Subscribe To Their Grounding, Get on Their Lawn? Get Some Stuff Out There's Not So Good By Meepo, They Say It's A Good Deal Here's a Podcast About It's Good Vibez? And They Say So On It's Not Good, And They'll Hear It On Their Good Day, Too Good By Them And They're Good By You Can Say It Out There And They Can't Say It And They Don't Have It Like That And They Will Hear It, Too Much Of That's Good Enough By Me Say It On It And That's Not That & They Can Do It & They'll Also Hear It And It's More Than That & It's So Good And They Do It So Much More And They Hear It So Good & They Will Also Say It, They Will Say So And They Won't Hear It?

Transcript

Transcripts from "Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes" are sourced from the Knowledge Fight Interactive Search Tool. Explore them interactively here.
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Toxicity classifications generated with s-nlp/roberta_toxicity_classifier .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
Topics generated with Qwen2.5-3B-Instruct.
Hosts, guests, and mentioned names generated with spaCy (en_core_web_sm), reconciled against Wikidata.
00:00:14.000 That was ignant benches.
00:00:45.000 Ignant Benches.
00:00:46.000 What song was that?
00:00:47.000 Angry Lizard Noise.
00:00:49.000 That is a band that I don't know much about.
00:00:51.000 I think they're from... They sound a lot like The Strokes.
00:00:56.000 Where are they from?
00:00:57.000 Chula Vista.
00:01:00.000 Where's Chula Vista?
00:01:01.000 California.
00:01:02.000 Formed in 2014.
00:01:04.000 San Diego type of area, I think. 0.87
00:01:07.000 But I wanted this different band who, by the way, fucking Ignant Bench is awesome. 0.71
00:01:13.000 Great stuff.
00:01:14.000 But I was calling my daughter to get this band Hail Mary she told me about that plays in Tompkins Square Park and they go to LaGuardia High, but I couldn't find them.
00:01:23.000 And then when I call her, it says calling home for like two minutes.
00:01:30.000 Yeah.
00:01:31.000 And then it goes, boop, boop, boop.
00:01:32.000 Wait, I think I found them. 1.00
00:01:33.000 No, dumbass, you fucking ignorant loser. 1.00
00:01:36.000 They're called Hail Mary. 1.00
00:01:37.000 They go to LaGuardia High School, do they, Duncan? 0.99
00:01:39.000 I mean, uh, fucking Ryan? 0.99
00:01:42.000 Nah, probably not her. 0.99
00:01:45.000 No, I don't think that band goes to LaGuardia High.
00:01:49.000 Well, if they do, they have bad intentions.
00:01:51.000 Have I got the...
00:01:55.000 Uh... Web password?
00:01:57.000 Yeah, I got the right web thing.
00:01:59.000 What's going on?
00:02:00.000 Look at that!
00:02:01.000 Since when can you not call someone?
00:02:05.000 This is... This is following a string of being banned in Shadowban.
00:02:10.000 Can you just hit the Detective Shitty, uh, thing, too?
00:02:12.000 Just for a second?
00:02:14.000 I don't see why, but... Yes, please.
00:02:21.000 I'm looking for a band who goes to LaGuardia High here in New York City and you bring up basically my dad and his friends.
00:02:28.000 Welcome back to Get Off My Lawn.
00:02:29.000 We've got an action-packed show for you tonight.
00:02:32.000 We're gonna be taking a lot of calls.
00:02:33.000 Got a few letters.
00:02:35.000 It's mostly gonna be up the cuff.
00:02:37.000 We've been tackling a lot of news this week, and I think it hurts the show sometimes.
00:02:43.000 When you have too many T's to cross, too many I's to dot, you become obsessed.
00:02:50.000 So we just want to relax and have some fun.
00:02:53.000 But part of that fun would be something working. 1.00
00:02:56.000 For example, calling your daughter on your fucking phone. 0.99
00:03:02.000 Why has it been forwarded? 1.00
00:03:04.000 Let me try FaceTime.
00:03:08.000 It's not like she can have a guitar lesson or something.
00:03:15.000 Why don't things work?
00:03:18.000 Maybe she's having a shower.
00:03:21.000 Teenage girls.
00:03:23.000 Hey, what was that band Hail Mary?
00:03:28.000 It's spelled normal like Hello Mary?
00:03:30.000 Yeah, just Hello Mary.
00:03:33.000 And they go to LaGuardia High?
00:03:34.000 LaGuardia, yeah.
00:03:37.000 And they play at Tompkins Square Park all the time?
00:03:39.000 Yeah.
00:03:41.000 Okay, you're my least favorite child.
00:03:45.000 Okay.
00:03:49.000 Could this be them?
00:03:51.000 Yeah, that looks like them.
00:03:53.000 Brooklyn, New York.
00:03:54.000 Yeah, they look like high schoolers.
00:03:56.000 Yeah, Ryan.
00:03:56.000 That's what high schoolers look like.
00:03:58.000 They don't look like giant fat pigs and award-winning fishermen. 0.92
00:04:03.000 That band literally look like the guys that John Taffer hires to like recreate the menus. 0.86
00:04:07.000 This is Julie.
00:04:08.000 She's a former Hot Topic- Shut it down! 1.00
00:04:10.000 Salmonella!
00:04:11.000 She was a former Hot Topic manager.
00:04:14.000 That's why her hair is purple, right?
00:04:17.000 Those girls. 1.00
00:04:18.000 You always know that he's fucking them too. 1.00
00:04:21.000 You think so? 1.00
00:04:22.000 Oh yeah.
00:04:22.000 Like you know that there's that Hotel Rescue show?
00:04:25.000 And the guy's like a short little Italian bald guy. 0.91
00:04:28.000 And he's always like, this is my number one girl.
00:04:30.000 She shows me how to revamp a hotel, and she's a genius.
00:04:34.000 And you're like, huh.
00:04:36.000 So you're both single.
00:04:38.000 You're out there in Hawaii revamping a hotel for a week. 1.00
00:04:43.000 And you're bald and powerful, which means you want to catch up on the pussy you didn't get when you weren't powerful, because you're bald and short. 1.00
00:04:51.000 And she's like, whatever, this could lead to something. 1.00
00:04:55.000 This is the guy?
00:04:57.000 I guarantee it won't be, Detective Shitty.
00:04:59.000 Resort Rescue.
00:04:59.000 Not Hail Mary, Hello Mary.
00:05:01.000 I have to just de-old man what you're... Remember the Alexa thing? 0.77
00:05:04.000 Okay, while you're gloating about how right you are, it is not called Resort Rescue.
00:05:09.000 Well, Hotel Rescue I'm looking for, and... Maybe Hotel Hell or something?
00:05:14.000 It's a little bald Italian. 1.00
00:05:16.000 Yes.
00:05:17.000 He's from New York.
00:05:18.000 He's really... It's a fucking great show. 1.00
00:05:21.000 He's really good at his job. 1.00
00:05:24.000 And you're watching it going, yeah, you do need to fix the carpets here, motherfucker. 1.00
00:05:30.000 Your hotel's disgusting. 1.00
00:05:32.000 And you have crackheads fucking each other. 1.00
00:05:35.000 He's right, the little bald man. 1.00
00:05:38.000 This doesn't look like the show.
00:05:45.000 Before we get started, while you try to find that show, bald guy, Italian, hotel, revamp thing.
00:05:55.000 Definitely Hotel.
00:05:55.000 Hotel Rescue I'm pretty sure it's called.
00:06:01.000 Our sponsor today is TacticalWalls.com!
00:06:04.000 Tactical Walls believes in the get fired, get in trouble, be brave, and never stop fighting mantra.
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00:06:35.000 America. 0.94
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00:06:46.000 Remember, be sure to use one of the GOML codes to get 15% off your purchase.
00:06:51.000 It's not just Gavin that gets you 15% off.
00:06:53.000 It is Gavin!
00:06:56.000 Gavin 15, Ryguy, heels or sunglasses? 0.98
00:07:01.000 They will all save you 15%, but most importantly, use the fucking codes so that Tactical Walls knows where their customers are coming from. 0.94
00:07:09.000 If they don't attribute the sale to the show, how will they know to keep sponsoring the show? 0.96
00:07:12.000 In other words, they will cut us off.
00:07:15.000 If you don't use Gavin or Gavin15 or Ryguy or heels or sunglasses.
00:07:20.000 That's hilarious.
00:07:21.000 It's real simple, guys.
00:07:21.000 You support them, they support us.
00:07:23.000 That's tacticalwalls.com, promo code Gavin.
00:07:26.000 Support veteran-owned businesses who support us, tacticalwalls.com, promo code Gavin15.
00:07:32.000 Thanks, Tactical Walls.
00:07:33.000 We like you more than a friend.
00:07:34.000 And again, I use my Tactical Wall shelf.
00:07:37.000 I move a little military vet over and the thing plops down and out comes, in my case,
00:07:45.000 Beer and whiskey.
00:07:48.000 Did you find the show yet?
00:07:50.000 No, I've been showing Tactical Walls.
00:07:51.000 Look at the... What do you think of the brand new bumper?
00:07:54.000 That's a fun bumper!
00:07:55.000 Hey, Tactical Walls!
00:07:56.000 Look at the bumper!
00:07:57.000 I'm gonna go Hotel Rescue Hell.
00:08:03.000 Hotel Hell?
00:08:04.000 No.
00:08:05.000 Hotel Hell is Ramsey.
00:08:06.000 That's Ramsey.
00:08:06.000 So, Hotel Rescue was my original idea.
00:08:10.000 And then I look in the images.
00:08:12.000 There he is.
00:08:13.000 Travel Channels.
00:08:15.000 I got there in one second.
00:08:17.000 Hotel Impossible is the name.
00:08:19.000 Hotel Impossible.
00:08:20.000 And his name is Anthony Melchiorri. 1.00
00:08:27.000 And every time you see a woman on that show, you're like, you guys fuck. 0.99
00:08:31.000 Oh, I've seen that little guy. 1.00
00:08:32.000 I know you fucked. 1.00
00:08:34.000 And I think sometimes they fuck the rescue E. Like not Gordon Ramsay, although he was caught cheating on his wife. 1.00
00:08:42.000 But like, that guy's there, he's saving the hotel. 0.98
00:08:44.000 They're vulnerable. 0.99
00:08:46.000 If the wife is single, he's fucking... It's funny, because you watch these shows, and you're like, yeah, obviously. 1.00
00:08:56.000 Clean the shit off. 1.00
00:08:57.000 There's fucking roaches on the ground. 1.00
00:09:01.000 Look how disgusting that is, and how unsafe that is! 1.00
00:09:04.000 Look at this carpet.
00:09:06.000 It probably hasn't been vacuumed in 10 years.
00:09:09.000 Look, there's some kind of hair there. 0.93
00:09:11.000 Looks like crap on the floor. 0.96
00:09:13.000 Look at the wall. 1.00
00:09:14.000 Look how filthy the wall is.
00:09:16.000 Look at the screws sticking out.
00:09:17.000 Look at the wall.
00:09:17.000 Look at the screws.
00:09:18.000 The screws.
00:09:19.000 What the hell is that there for? 0.78
00:09:20.000 What the hell? 0.78
00:09:20.000 What's that, a nail? 0.78
00:09:21.000 That is fucked up. 1.00
00:09:22.000 A screw sticking out. 1.00
00:09:24.000 Look at the screws sticking out of the side.
00:09:26.000 What the hell is that there for?
00:09:27.000 Who's the contractor? 1.00
00:09:29.000 Who's the fucking illegal Mexican who screwed in that four-inch screw and just went, it's okay, I'll just leave it like that. 1.00
00:09:35.000 It's for good luck. 1.00
00:09:36.000 I wasn't paid to fish the outside. 0.98
00:09:41.000 But here's the problem with all these rescue shows, and they always are fucked after, by the way. 0.76
00:09:45.000 All of these bars, all these restaurants, these hotels they fix, they end up bankrupt like two years after Gordon Ramsay leaves. 0.84
00:09:51.000 Two years. 0.99
00:09:52.000 Fucking six months. 0.98
00:09:54.000 And it's because how'd that place get to that position in the first place? 0.99
00:09:58.000 Because the people clearly don't care.
00:10:00.000 So when you're at home and you're like, yeah, why is there a screw sticking out?
00:10:05.000 That's you putting your brain in their head. 1.00
00:10:08.000 They're assholes. 1.00
00:10:10.000 It's like when you see a bum and you're like, dude, wash dishes. 1.00
00:10:14.000 You can get like 60 bucks a day.
00:10:17.000 By the way, I'm promoting our shirts here.
00:10:19.000 When Trump does follow through or doesn't do, would follow through the exact opposite.
00:10:25.000 Biden.
00:10:26.000 And I'm especially proud of these shirts because you see them as someone else sees them and they go, oh, a fellow Biden fan.
00:10:33.000 Awesome.
00:10:34.000 I love Joe Biden too.
00:10:37.000 No, I don't. 1.00
00:10:38.000 I hate making fun of him for being a fucking retard. 1.00
00:10:41.000 I like that one. 1.00
00:10:42.000 Yeah, on first glance they're like, ally.
00:10:44.000 Um, I have something to tell you.
00:10:49.000 Me or the audience?
00:10:50.000 It's very intense.
00:10:53.000 One, my idea was ripped off for Kids Day.
00:10:57.000 Remember I told you about Kids Day?
00:10:58.000 I emailed you this, I believe.
00:11:00.000 Many years ago, I talked about a thing I've been doing for a long time called Kids Day, where I allow kids free reign. 0.89
00:11:07.000 Go nuts. 0.55
00:11:08.000 It's their rules. 0.98
00:11:09.000 It's Lord of the Flies.
00:11:10.000 You want to kill Piggy with the conch shell? 0.82
00:11:12.000 Go ahead. 1.00
00:11:12.000 Brain him with the rocks. 1.00
00:11:13.000 They eat candy all day.
00:11:15.000 They have candy cereal for dinner.
00:11:17.000 They get sick.
00:11:18.000 They puke.
00:11:19.000 They watch movies till around 1 a.m.
00:11:21.000 and then fall asleep on the floor in their pants.
00:11:23.000 They don't even put on their pajamas.
00:11:25.000 They don't brush their teeth.
00:11:26.000 The next day is a write-off.
00:11:27.000 They feel sick.
00:11:28.000 They're exhausted from the night before. 1.00
00:11:30.000 And I have to pick up the pieces and show them how stupid it is when I let them handle the show. 0.99
00:11:36.000 Right, so that was my idea. 0.99
00:11:38.000 Kids Day.
00:11:39.000 Long time ago.
00:11:40.000 And it's an effective way to show kids that their lives would not be better if they were in control. 1.00
00:11:48.000 So Hollywood is a bunch of lazy Jewish gays. 1.00
00:11:51.000 Just kidding! 1.00
00:11:52.000 It's a bunch of lazy Jews. 1.00
00:11:55.000 Just kidding! 1.00
00:11:57.000 Bunch of lazy gays. 1.00
00:11:59.000 Just kidding! 1.00
00:12:00.000 It's a bunch of gazy Jews. 1.00
00:12:03.000 And they have no ideas. 0.99
00:12:05.000 They're not creative people.
00:12:06.000 Everyone in L.A. 1.00
00:12:07.000 sucks. 1.00
00:12:07.000 Let's cut the shit here, right? 1.00
00:12:10.000 They're not good. 1.00
00:12:11.000 People in L.A.
00:12:13.000 I'm not saying they're not good people.
00:12:14.000 They're not good.
00:12:15.000 And being good at it, if you will. 1.00
00:12:18.000 They just suck. 1.00
00:12:20.000 They're fat losers, really, right? 1.00
00:12:24.000 Or Tricaster is already overheating 10 minutes into the show. 0.98
00:12:29.000 We're getting better equipment, and yes, I'm cheap, and yes, I apologize for that.
00:12:32.000 Anyway, Netflix has a show with Jennifer Garner, Gardner, whatever her name is. 0.70
00:12:38.000 She's a very, very attractive woman.
00:12:41.000 Too attractive.
00:12:41.000 Not our cup of tea.
00:12:42.000 You know how we hate hot chicks on this show. 1.00
00:12:45.000 She's got cow catcher chin, chiseled features, mile-high cheekbones. 0.81
00:12:49.000 That sure is taking you a long time to get ice from the freezer of a fridge that is next to your desk.
00:12:58.000 What's that about?
00:13:00.000 And why is it overheating only when we do the live shows?
00:13:09.000 Did you blast it with some compressed air to get the fuzz out?
00:13:14.000 How do you know there's no fuzz?
00:13:15.000 No, you can't.
00:13:17.000 It's inside the machine.
00:13:21.000 Wait, it's done?
00:13:23.000 Yeah.
00:13:25.000 You used up all the compressed air?
00:13:27.000 Yes.
00:13:29.000 Really?
00:13:29.000 Yeah.
00:13:31.000 I find that hard to believe.
00:13:33.000 I did.
00:13:34.000 Okay.
00:13:35.000 Gotta get a bigger can.
00:13:36.000 Anyway, so Netflix has this show out called, it's Kids Day, but it's called Yes Day.
00:13:42.000 And it shows you the quality of programming in America has finally reached Canadian levels.
00:13:48.000 Maybe even European levels.
00:13:51.000 It is physically painful to watch this film.
00:13:55.000 Now, my kids have the same standards as me as far as my 14-year-old and my 12-year-old, but my 8-year-old, he wants to see a silly movie.
00:14:02.000 He likes, you know, silly gamer YouTubers, so the family should take a hit once in a while and watch a movie that he likes. 0.94
00:14:10.000 Nickelodeon level shittiness. 0.97
00:14:12.000 Stop, stop, stop.
00:14:13.000 But, um, 0.99
00:14:15.000 I don't know, there's a lot of shit that he likes, like Japanese cartoons like Totoro that I can totally handle, or Goonies. 1.00
00:14:25.000 There's a lot of shit. 1.00
00:14:26.000 All the Muppet movies. 1.00
00:14:27.000 I can name a thousand things that he likes that I can tolerate. 1.00
00:14:32.000 This was fucking... AIDS. 1.00
00:14:38.000 Oh my god. 1.00
00:14:40.000 I don't know if you have a dick as big as mine, but sometimes when I have sex with women, they will have to do breathing exercises. 1.00
00:14:47.000 Like they're giving birth. 1.00
00:14:51.000 I was literally doing breathing exercises. 1.00
00:14:52.000 It's like I was getting fucked by me. 0.99
00:14:54.000 Like I was listening, the movie was there and I don't want my son to see me, my youngest boy, because I don't want to shit on something. 0.99
00:15:00.000 Because of course if I go, this sucks, it's so corny, he's going to want to be cool, right? 0.99
00:15:05.000 And be like, yeah, totally blows, man. 0.99
00:15:07.000 I hate the thing that you guys hate.
00:15:09.000 I don't like this. 0.99
00:15:09.000 I'm not the only loser in the family. 0.99
00:15:11.000 So you can't do that. 0.84
00:15:12.000 But I had to sit there and go,
00:15:22.000 Oh, about 10 times.
00:15:24.000 I felt pressure on my chest.
00:15:27.000 I felt physical pressure on my chest.
00:15:29.000 It felt like sparring.
00:15:30.000 Or you know after you have a big long cry, like say your Nana dies, and afterwards your eyes feel kind of salty and you feel this sort of like catharsis in your chest?
00:15:42.000 That's how I felt after.
00:15:43.000 Like I felt I had been through the ringer.
00:15:46.000 I felt like I had been through something traumatic and intense. 1.00
00:15:51.000 It's so fucking, and I'm reluctant to use the word gay, because it's way beyond gay. 1.00
00:15:57.000 It's so shitty, and derivative, and corny, and badly acted. 1.00
00:16:02.000 As my daughter pointed out, she goes, there was just no love in it. 0.98
00:16:07.000 That's what my friend, my brother said about my mom's cooking.
00:16:11.000 One particularly bad night, where she had maybe a few too many wines, and the dinner was inedible.
00:16:19.000 And my brother goes, it's just, there's no love in it.
00:16:22.000 There's no love in this food.
00:16:23.000 It's just like churned out.
00:16:25.000 And this movie, it hits all the things.
00:16:28.000 It's like someone held a gun to someone's head and said, make Gavin's Kids Day a movie, but make the husband Hispanic so we can cross off the diversity thing.
00:16:39.000 And then just make it all about how kids rock.
00:16:43.000 The only way I survived this film was to mentally go, wait a minute.
00:16:46.000 This is what America is.
00:16:48.000 We gave them Kids Day.
00:16:49.000 They wanted socialism, we gave them socialism.
00:16:52.000 They want anyone but Trump, we gave them anyone but Trump.
00:16:55.000 They want to defund the police, we defunded the police.
00:16:58.000 Essentially what we're living in right now is Kids Day.
00:17:02.000 It is a disaster.
00:17:03.000 And it is a disaster.
00:17:05.000 Alright, play I guess the trailer.
00:17:10.000 If there's one thing I've learned from being a mom, it's that parents and kids always disagree on one thing.
00:17:16.000 No, no, no!
00:17:17.000 Rules.
00:17:18.000 Let's say no 50 times an hour.
00:17:20.000 This is actually good.
00:17:21.000 No, absolutely not!
00:17:22.000 Nope on a rope.
00:17:23.000 It's part of the job.
00:17:25.000 No, no, no!
00:17:28.000 But all of that is about to change.
00:17:31.000 Wait, there was a bestseller?
00:17:33.000 Parents say yes to everything their kids ask for for 24 hours.
00:17:37.000 Radical!
00:17:38.000 Someone stole a bestseller from me? 0.90
00:17:40.000 And mom and dad are like fun killers.
00:17:42.000 We are plenty fun.
00:17:44.000 We are plenty fun.
00:17:45.000 We used to say yes to everything.
00:17:47.000 We can be fun again.
00:17:48.000 Really?
00:17:50.000 Let's do this!
00:17:51.000 Arriba! 0.78
00:17:53.000 It's Mexican.
00:17:54.000 It's yes day!
00:17:56.000 Who's ready for yes day?
00:17:58.000 Ellie wants to do your hair and makeup. 0.98
00:17:59.000 I have a vision.
00:18:00.000 Okay, this trailer's really good.
00:18:02.000 I'm glad you're using your watercolors.
00:18:08.000 In the car wash.
00:18:09.000 What?
00:18:09.000 Why?
00:18:16.000 And by the way, the kids have all arranged for everyone to have a change of clothes.
00:18:19.000 Oh, and this, the water balloon scene?
00:18:22.000 They tricked everyone by saying on a Craigslist ad that there's gonna be this water balloon reality show that's gonna be super sexy.
00:18:29.000 So they got everyone to come out.
00:18:30.000 Why they all have their own uniforms, I don't know. 0.95
00:18:32.000 And the guy with the shitty teeth, I kept staring at him going, I feel like I know you. 0.95
00:18:37.000 And then I realized, I know you. 0.99
00:18:39.000 It's Dave English from Jackass. 0.99
00:18:42.000 That's why his teeth are so shitty. 0.99
00:18:44.000 It's the only time you see shitty teeth in a Hollywood movie. 0.99
00:18:46.000 Go back a bit. 0.99
00:18:52.000 There. 0.99
00:18:55.000 That's the jackass, dude. 0.99
00:18:58.000 It's not. 1.00
00:18:58.000 No, no, no. 1.00
00:19:00.000 I know who you're talking about.
00:19:01.000 Dave England?
00:19:02.000 Oh, am I wrong?
00:19:03.000 Yeah, no, he's a bad teeth guy in a lot of different things.
00:19:08.000 That's embarrassing, because when I brought it up with my family, everyone went, oh yeah!
00:19:13.000 He was very similar.
00:19:14.000 You're so smart, Gavin!
00:19:15.000 Nailed it again!
00:19:16.000 He's very similar looking.
00:19:20.000 It's not Dave England, you're right.
00:19:22.000 But that looks, I mean, definitely a dead ringer, but... So who's that guy?
00:19:28.000 And what is with his teeth? 0.99
00:19:29.000 He's been in some commercials and shit, he's got terrible teeth. 0.99
00:19:34.000 Not that I give a shit, I don't think you should fix your teeth, but it's just alarming when you're the only one who doesn't. 0.99
00:19:42.000 What's his name? 0.99
00:19:42.000 Nat Faxon. 0.99
00:19:44.000 Oof.
00:19:46.000 Yeah, oh he's the Diary of a- oh no, so he's the Captain Underpants guy.
00:19:51.000 Nat Faxon. 0.99
00:19:52.000 I gotta kinda hand it to him, it is kinda cool to keep your shitty teeth. 0.99
00:19:57.000 Yeah. 0.99
00:19:59.000 They are alarming though.
00:20:01.000 Aren't they?
00:20:01.000 Yes.
00:20:03.000 As a man with perfect teeth, I shun this man.
00:20:08.000 Yeah, they're not even close to as bad as yours.
00:20:10.000 The rest of them is handsome.
00:20:12.000 Breathtaking.
00:20:13.000 Well. 0.97
00:20:14.000 Anyway, I like to request shitty movies like, uh, Doorman. 0.93
00:20:17.000 I think you should watch The Doorman with your friends. 0.89
00:20:20.000 Do not watch this.
00:20:21.000 You cannot handle it.
00:20:24.000 I can't handle it.
00:20:25.000 I'm still kind of shaking.
00:20:27.000 That makes you want to- Oh, whomp!
00:20:28.000 I hit my nuts! 0.99
00:20:30.000 He's like a narco. 0.98
00:20:30.000 And then he fell, like, look how far he just fell. 0.98
00:20:33.000 That's a bunk bed.
00:20:35.000 Is that Mark Ruffalo?
00:20:36.000 He's a knockoff, okay.
00:20:38.000 No.
00:20:40.000 Wait, stop.
00:20:41.000 Is that Mark Ruffalo?
00:20:43.000 I actually haven't been looking at the screen.
00:20:45.000 I've been looking for Davey. 0.98
00:20:46.000 You gotta play the detective shitty thing. 0.97
00:20:49.000 Okay, but look at him. 0.97
00:20:50.000 This is a terrible Netflix straight-to-video, as it were.
00:20:55.000 And the guy who plays the Hulk, maybe not.
00:20:56.000 Would not be one of the most successful actors in the world would probably not be the guy we're looking for.
00:21:02.000 Okay.
00:21:03.000 Not the droids we're looking for. 0.99
00:21:05.000 Holy shit though, it was grim! 0.99
00:21:12.000 I hate to be a party pooper, but I'm a party pooper. 1.00
00:21:14.000 I hate to be a party pooper.
00:21:15.000 And then they had a little, weird little Peruvian. 1.00
00:21:18.000 I like with all these mixed race couples now, they just, for the kids, they just get any mixed race kids. 1.00
00:21:24.000 So they'll have like a mulatto, a fucking Peruvian. 1.00
00:21:28.000 Just not white. 1.00
00:21:29.000 Just a Korean. 1.00
00:21:32.000 That scene made no sense.
00:21:33.000 She gets arrested for this and goes to prison. 0.82
00:21:36.000 Stand still please.
00:21:37.000 Oh.
00:21:38.000 Oh, could I do that again?
00:21:44.000 Oh, God, it was torture.
00:21:47.000 Torture.
00:21:48.000 Is that Oprah?
00:21:53.000 Wait.
00:21:53.000 No.
00:21:54.000 Wait, look.
00:21:54.000 Can you hit the Detective Shitty thing again?
00:21:56.000 Yes, I will, I will.
00:21:56.000 But wait.
00:21:58.000 It's a 19-year-old girl.
00:22:01.000 Oh. 1.00
00:22:02.000 I mean, they play that shit so fast you would think that's Oprah. 1.00
00:22:04.000 No, well, if you're Detective Shitty, yeah, sure. 0.99
00:22:07.000 So can you click the Detective Shitty, please?
00:22:11.000 Wait, we're not seeing it. 0.98
00:22:12.000 We're just hearing shit sounds. 0.98
00:22:15.000 We'll play it again. 0.93
00:22:19.000 Hope you don't have anything private on your desktop.
00:22:21.000 I don't think so.
00:22:23.000 JohnnyAppleCBD, support our Day 1 sponsor.
00:22:26.000 These guys have been with us since Day 1.
00:22:28.000 By the way, to get back to Tactical Walls, if you guys are watching, can you build me my Maker's Mark thing?
00:22:37.000 Tactical walls, I'll pay for it by the way, I don't want a freebie.
00:22:41.000 But I want an upside down bottle of Makers Mark where you have your shot glass and you push up just like in any bar, actually any fancy bar.
00:22:48.000 In Manhattan they're so worried about waiters and waitresses ripping you off that they have the thing, I mean ripping off the bar owner, where you push up on the glass, it takes out an ounce and then nothing else comes out.
00:22:59.000 So I want that.
00:23:01.000 I'm not even sure how you do this.
00:23:04.000 I get a shot and then I can't get back in for another hour.
00:23:11.000 So I can do a shot an hour at the most.
00:23:13.000 And maybe there's a limit where I get three shots a night.
00:23:18.000 Because I can't handle my liquor.
00:23:21.000 I'm remembering from pre-Lent days.
00:23:23.000 But I also don't want to say no to Maker's Mark.
00:23:26.000 So there must be a way where you can delegate it and then you can't get any more.
00:23:33.000 Anyway, back to our first sponsor, Johnny Apple CBD.
00:23:36.000 This episode is brought to you by our proud sponsor, Johnny Apple CBD.
00:23:39.000 I love Johnny Apple CBD and I appreciate their dedication to this show.
00:23:42.000 By the way, I had a new customer, a close friend, say he tried the topical after sore muscles and it worked and he was totally skeptical.
00:23:50.000 That's the topicals right there.
00:23:52.000 I can't tell you how many people have raved about CBD on sore muscles.
00:23:58.000 Johnny Apple CBD stands for America, Freedom, and Zero Censorship.
00:24:01.000 They've been with Censored.TV since day one.
00:24:05.000 We proudly stand with them.
00:24:07.000 If you support me and Censored.TV, please go to JACBD.com right now and show them the same support you show us, even if it's a small purchase.
00:24:16.000 Buy the gummies.
00:24:18.000 Chew on those before you go to sleep.
00:24:19.000 Mellow out.
00:24:21.000 Get a tincture.
00:24:22.000 Drop that in your coffee.
00:24:23.000 Take the edge off.
00:24:24.000 Treat yourself.
00:24:25.000 Support these guys.
00:24:26.000 They support us.
00:24:27.000 JACBD.com.
00:24:29.000 Promo code Gavin for 20% off all orders.
00:24:32.000 Thank you, JohnnyAppleCBD, for sticking with us through COVID.
00:24:35.000 We know times are tough.
00:24:36.000 God bless, JohnnyAppleCBD.
00:24:38.000 God bless America.
00:24:39.000 Thanks, JohnnyAppleCBD.
00:24:41.000 We like you more than a friend.
00:24:42.000 Again, to the guy who writes the ad copy, in the year 2021, you do not need to write out www dot.
00:24:52.000 That has been superfluous I would say since 1999?
00:24:57.000 What do you think Ryan?
00:24:59.000 I wouldn't shop for compressed air while we're doing a show.
00:25:01.000 About that. 0.98
00:25:02.000 That would be maybe something you write a note to do later and not while we're fucking live. 0.96
00:25:07.000 Well it's done so... 0.96
00:25:11.000 Also in the news, I was having a discussion with my wife this morning, and I thought the kids were gone.
00:25:18.000 They weren't in the house.
00:25:19.000 I was wrong.
00:25:20.000 And we invest in commercial real estate occasionally.
00:25:24.000 And we were talking about some renovations to a property that were getting so expensive, we're like, is this gonna make the money back?
00:25:30.000 I mean, if you put in five grand into painting and getting new shelves and shit, you're gonna make 20 grand in the resale.
00:25:40.000 If you spend $500,000 making everything gold-plated, you might even hurt the property because people go, I don't know, they have gold shelves. 0.94
00:25:49.000 This isn't my cup of tea.
00:25:50.000 We just want it as an office space.
00:25:52.000 So we're talking about that sort of a region.
00:25:54.000 And I go, I don't know, this is not really my thing.
00:25:57.000 I like the big stuff.
00:25:59.000 As far as cosmetics, that's you.
00:26:00.000 And she's like, well, wait, come here, come here.
00:26:03.000 She keeps telling me to come back into the room.
00:26:08.000 And I'm like, OK, well, can you call him and see if there's a cheaper version, a vinyl version?
00:26:13.000 OK, I will.
00:26:14.000 And I go, all right, then fine.
00:26:16.000 I mean, I just think our budget should have been this and now we're at that.
00:26:20.000 But whatever you think.
00:26:21.000 And I start leaving.
00:26:22.000 He goes, wait, come in.
00:26:23.000 We're not done.
00:26:24.000 Get in here.
00:26:28.000 Do you want to blow me, I'm thinking? 0.63
00:26:30.000 Right, right. 1.00
00:26:31.000 This bitch wants to fucking smoke the hog. 1.00
00:26:34.000 Which does not happen, by the way. 1.00
00:26:36.000 And I don't just mean my wife.
00:26:37.000 I mean married couples.
00:26:39.000 Your wife isn't constantly drooling, thinking about blowing you. 1.00
00:26:43.000 We're constantly drooling, thinking about eating out our wives. 1.00
00:26:46.000 Like fucking, what's his name? 0.99
00:26:47.000 Fred from Brooklyn at Kumia's party. 1.00
00:26:48.000 He goes, been married 30 years.
00:26:51.000 I'd like to eat her out right now. 1.00
00:26:53.000 And he, they married late.
00:26:55.000 So they were basically 60.
00:26:58.000 Married at 30.
00:26:58.000 Actually, that's earlier than I married my wife.
00:27:01.000 So I'm thinking like,
00:27:04.000 I think there's a, and then this is what gets weird with your brain and all men's brains are like this. 1.00
00:27:09.000 Our dick starts going, no, no, no. 0.99
00:27:13.000 You got something here, my friend. 1.00
00:27:16.000 She's dying to blow you. 1.00
00:27:18.000 That's why she keeps inviting you back in the room.
00:27:20.000 And you're like, I know, right?
00:27:21.000 Cause I thought that was weird.
00:27:22.000 I don't usually handle cosmetics and like kitchens and shelving and, and you know, carpets and stuff.
00:27:28.000 I just buy the property, sell the property.
00:27:30.000 Why are we spending so much time on aesthetics?
00:27:33.000 Unless.
00:27:35.000 Homeboy's gonna like, get it.
00:27:37.000 Unless homeboy's gonna like, get it.
00:27:41.000 So then I take it away from the front room and into the living room. 0.98
00:27:48.000 And then I, my dick got me even crazier and I've done this before and the response when I did this last time was like crying. 0.99
00:27:58.000 Uh oh. 0.99
00:27:59.000 This was like 20 years ago.
00:28:01.000 But for some reason this 1.00
00:28:04.000 It's ironic that he's not the asshole because he's the asshole. 1.00
00:28:08.000 The front part goes, just like sit down, maybe like pull it out. 1.00
00:28:14.000 And I was smart enough to know that doesn't work because of the tears 20 years ago.
00:28:19.000 But I'm just like,
00:28:22.000 So now we're in the living room, and she keeps wanting to talk about these renovations.
00:28:28.000 And she's wearing, like she just worked out on her peloton, so she's got her hair up, she's got Lululemons on, which is normally not, like, very presentable. 0.99
00:28:35.000 Not that us men give a shit. 0.99
00:28:37.000 So then I go, I tried this. 0.99
00:28:40.000 We've all been there, married men.
00:28:41.000 I go, you wanna come here?
00:28:44.000 And she goes, what? 0.99
00:28:46.000 I didn't mention blowjobs, because that's a stretch. 0.99
00:28:49.000 Usually you just like, if intercourse is possible, you're probably going to get a beach. 0.97
00:28:54.000 So I go, do you want to get over here?
00:28:55.000 Do you want to come here?
00:28:55.000 She goes, what?
00:28:56.000 I got to walk the dog.
00:28:58.000 And she pointed out my, our daughter's upstairs.
00:28:59.000 I didn't realize she was upstairs.
00:29:01.000 I thought, see, that's how brainwashed I was.
00:29:03.000 I thought that the reason you were flirting is because it was one of those rare instances where there was no kids in the house.
00:29:12.000 She goes, I have to walk the dog. 0.65
00:29:13.000 I got to go pick up our youngest boy.
00:29:15.000 What are you talking about?
00:29:17.000 And then I realized there was not a snowball's chance in the house that I was going to get a BJ.
00:29:25.000 It was not. 1.00
00:29:25.000 I will eat your ass. 1.00
00:29:27.000 No one was remotely considering it. 1.00
00:29:29.000 No way, Jose.
00:29:32.000 Not a possibility. 1.00
00:29:33.000 What the fuck was I thinking? 0.99
00:29:37.000 And it reminded me of that chick who I think may have the sprinkles, one of the few funny people in the world, in the movie 22 Jump Street, which I think is the sequel to 21 Jump Street, which sucks as a movie. 1.00
00:29:51.000 It's all gay jokes. 1.00
00:29:53.000 It's all like fucking, yeah, you big fag, you probably want to fuck me, which is how us dudes talk to each other and it's fun when we're talking to each other. 1.00
00:30:01.000 Yeah, you're dying to blow me, dude. 1.00
00:30:03.000 I don't want to fuck you so bad. 1.00
00:30:05.000 But outside of like the individuals doing that joke, it's not really something you want to like pay money for and get popcorn and watch two guys doing gay jokes to each other. 1.00
00:30:13.000 Which is 99% of 22 Jump Street.
00:30:16.000 But at the end of the movie, Jonah Hill catches whatever her name is, and Jillian something?
00:30:23.000 Do you know her name?
00:30:25.000 It's about right.
00:30:26.000 Oh, you texted it to me.
00:30:28.000 Uh, what, it's on your watch?
00:30:30.000 My texts are on your watch?
00:30:32.000 Yes.
00:30:33.000 That's not right.
00:30:35.000 Jillian Bell.
00:30:36.000 Jillian Bell.
00:30:36.000 That's morally wrong that you're checking my texts on your watch.
00:30:41.000 But anyway.
00:30:41.000 2000 whatever it is.
00:30:42.000 Jillian Bell is a drug dealer at a college and Jonah Hill is an undercover cop and he catches her and he's chasing her to beat her up and arrest her, whatever.
00:30:50.000 Chasing her to beat her up.
00:30:52.000 And as he's chasing her, she keeps stopping the fight and saying, are we doing this right now? 0.99
00:30:57.000 Are we fucking? 0.94
00:30:58.000 And I thought, that's so much of my sex life, not just with my wife, but before I was married, how I'd be like, I think this is about to go down. 0.99
00:31:06.000 And I was 90% of the time wrong.
00:31:10.000 It's quiet.
00:31:11.000 Yeah, no, it's quiet for him.
00:31:12.000 It's 90% quiet.
00:31:14.000 When I thought it was going down.
00:31:15.000 But let's roll the clip.
00:31:16.000 You were like you were sitting on a shelf.
00:31:19.000 Like nobody was smashing your button.
00:31:20.000 No one was smashing the subscribe button.
00:31:22.000 No. 0.99
00:31:22.000 My cock was not fire. 0.99
00:31:23.000 The bell was not hit. 1.00
00:31:25.000 Like nobody want that shit. 1.00
00:31:26.000 That shit new. 1.00
00:31:30.000 Get up, Old Man River! 1.00
00:31:32.000 Come on! 1.00
00:31:33.000 Get up and hit me, you fucking pussy! 1.00
00:31:35.000 I'm not gonna fight a girl, so just stop! 1.00
00:31:37.000 It shouldn't matter.
00:31:38.000 If you thought of me as a person instead of a woman, you would hit me and not feel bad about it. 0.63
00:31:44.000 Oh, God. 0.96
00:31:45.000 Bring it! 0.98
00:31:45.000 I'm ready. 0.98
00:31:47.000 It's on now, dog.
00:31:49.000 Girl fight. 0.99
00:31:54.000 Oh, my God.
00:31:54.000 Ow.
00:31:54.000 Is there blood in my eye?
00:31:55.000 Oh, my God.
00:31:56.000 Are you all right?
00:31:56.000 There's blood in my eye.
00:31:58.000 Fucking learn how to hit! 1.00
00:32:06.000 This is the best part of the movie. 1.00
00:32:09.000 No!
00:32:10.000 What?
00:32:10.000 No!
00:32:10.000 What were you doing?
00:32:12.000 What am I doing?
00:32:13.000 Why did you try to kiss me? 1.00
00:32:14.000 I didn't fucking try to kiss you! 1.00
00:32:15.000 Yes, you did! 1.00
00:32:16.000 Ooh, you're so weird! 1.00
00:32:17.000 You're fucking Mr. and Mrs. Smithing me! 1.00
00:32:19.000 I'm not Mr. and Mrs. Smithing you! 1.00
00:32:21.000 This wasn't a sexy fight!
00:32:22.000 Oh, like you haven't wanted to kiss me the whole time!
00:32:24.000 I never once wanted to kiss you!
00:32:27.000 Never!
00:32:28.000 No!
00:32:28.000 You just didn't!
00:32:29.000 Stop! 1.00
00:32:30.000 You're making a face that is sexy to me!
00:32:31.000 See, this was me this morning with my wife.
00:32:33.000 No!
00:32:34.000 Stop trying!
00:32:35.000 You keep trying!
00:32:36.000 I've never tried to kiss you!
00:32:37.000 You gave me kiss me eyes!
00:32:39.000 No I didn't!
00:32:40.000 The eyes were eyes! 0.71
00:32:41.000 I just got punched in the face eyes!
00:32:42.000 They weren't kiss me eyes! 0.93
00:32:43.000 I don't even like you!
00:32:44.000 Neither do I!
00:32:45.000 So stop kissing me!
00:32:46.000 Okay!
00:32:48.000 No, you're leaning in again! 0.99
00:32:50.000 No, we were gonna punch your calves! 1.00
00:32:52.000 You're making us so uncomfortable. 0.98
00:32:53.000 This is the most uncomfortable fist fight I've ever been in. 0.99
00:32:56.000 I'm gonna give you an out by punching you in the face, okay? 0.94
00:32:59.000 And then we're gonna go back to fighting and we'll pretend this never happened. 1.00
00:33:03.000 Oh, fuck! 1.00
00:33:10.000 Are you kidding me? 1.00
00:33:10.000 It's plastic. 1.00
00:33:11.000 It doesn't even hurt!
00:33:12.000 This isn't the spring break you imagined!
00:33:15.000 How about this?
00:33:15.000 You want a little fun?
00:33:16.000 What is that?!
00:33:17.000 Get wet, baby! 1.00
00:33:18.000 There's so much lube in my face! 0.81
00:33:22.000 Pretty good, eh?
00:33:23.000 Yeah, she's funny. 0.98
00:33:24.000 For such a shitty movie. 0.96
00:33:26.000 She may have the magic. 0.99
00:33:28.000 Oh, here we go again.
00:33:29.000 Violence! 1.00
00:33:30.000 It's only unless you're gonna fuck me! 1.00
00:33:32.000 I'm not gonna fuck you! 1.00
00:33:33.000 Are we gonna fuck? 1.00
00:33:34.000 No, we're not! 1.00
00:33:35.000 Is that what's happening? 1.00
00:33:36.000 I'm not gonna fuck you! 1.00
00:33:37.000 Get off! 1.00
00:33:42.000 That was it. 1.00
00:33:43.000 Are we gonna fuck? 1.00
00:33:44.000 Is that what's happening right now? 1.00
00:33:45.000 That was my morning.
00:33:47.000 And it was not happening.
00:33:49.000 You're ding dong in two pieces! 1.00
00:33:51.000 Oh, I want you to hit me so bad right now! 1.00
00:33:55.000 Just f***ing hit me! 1.00
00:33:57.000 Get out of here, you pussy! 1.00
00:33:58.000 Yes, ma'am. 1.00
00:33:59.000 Here.
00:33:59.000 Yes, yes, ma'am!
00:34:01.000 That's girls that protest. 1.00
00:34:02.000 Just hit me! 0.97
00:34:04.000 Yeah, that's a real trend now.
00:34:06.000 Yeah.
00:34:06.000 Like that's a joke and it's funny.
00:34:07.000 It may actually be a parody of this pattern, but there's these girls out now that are like writing fucking Yelp reviews. 1.00
00:34:13.000 Fuck this place! 1.00
00:34:14.000 This is for fucking Nazis! 1.00
00:34:16.000 And they're going up to people, men on the street. 1.00
00:34:18.000 You're a fucking fascist! 1.00
00:34:21.000 Me, I'm talking about mostly. 1.00
00:34:23.000 But it reminds me of Nicole Dufresne, D-U-F-R-E-S-N-E, where she was getting robbed by Rudy. 0.85
00:34:29.000 She was a woman I knew at Max Fish in the early aughts.
00:34:32.000 She was getting robbed by Rudy Fleming, a Puerto Rican who took his uncle's handgun to go out robbing one night.
00:34:39.000 And he goes, just give me your money.
00:34:41.000 Which you should. 0.99
00:34:43.000 And she goes, what the fuck are you going to do? 1.00
00:34:45.000 Shoot me? 1.00
00:34:45.000 And laughed in his face. 1.00
00:34:47.000 She was kind of the beginning.
00:34:48.000 This is a 20 year old phenomenon. 1.00
00:34:50.000 She was the beginning of these chicks are like, fuck you, bitch. 1.00
00:34:53.000 I'll kick your ass. 1.00
00:34:55.000 Cause they watch movies, I guess. 1.00
00:34:57.000 And he shot her through the chest.
00:34:59.000 That was him complaining that he had a stomach ache when he was arrested.
00:35:02.000 I think he's out of jail by now. 1.00
00:35:05.000 But I feel like saying to these girls, yes, you are cunts, and it is annoying, but I'm not going to shoot you through the chest. 1.00
00:35:13.000 I'm just going to roll my eyes and think you have a bad father. 1.00
00:35:16.000 But you keep up this shitty attitude, and you get robbed, and someone's going to die, and it's going to be you. 1.00
00:35:22.000 All right. 1.00
00:35:24.000 That's enough chattering for free.
00:35:26.000 We thank TacticalWalls.com, we thank JACBD.com, Johnny Appleseed, but we have to go behind the paywall now.
00:35:36.000 So before I bid you to do, without further ado,
00:35:42.000 Oh wait, I just said it correctly by accident.
00:35:44.000 That's the problem with doing joke things.
00:35:46.000 Like for all, we used to say if it's any constellation and then I would forget what the real one is and then I would make fun of for any constellation and say for any constellation mocking the real one but then I had two negatives make a positive and I was back to the real one.
00:36:01.000 Anyway.
00:36:02.000 Without further to do, we must bid adieu to you and say get fired, get in trouble, be brave, and never stop fighting.
00:36:22.000 I don't know.