Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes


GOML S4E222 - FRIDAYS ARE FREE


Summary

On this week's episode of Cops and Robber, we have our felon buddy Matty O'Dell, aka Exiles Angel, head of the New York City's chapter of the Cops & Robber chapter, and then we have four cops going through cop videos, crime stats, and jail time, and you hear the felon's perspective and the cop's perspective pretty similar. We also have a guy from the Coast Guard in the studio with his black wife, who I don't know, was super comfortable with the way we were talking about Black female privilege when it comes to policing citizens, but whatever, he was impressed. And we have a new sponsor, Jump Medic, which is a company that makes top notch first aid kits and first aid equipment, and we had a guy who is a corpsman with the Coast Guardsman Corpsman, and he went through this pack and went, yep, this is legit. And he's a dude who loves Trump. And we also talk about a bunch of other stuff, too, but that's not what we're talking about. We're in no way affiliated with the podcast, so if you're not a fan of the show, don't worry, you'll have to wait until the next episode. Also, we'll be back next week with a brand new episode of the podcast called Cops And Robber where Matty's new show, Cops&Robber, where we talk about all things cops and robbers. and other stuff that doesn't have much to do with guns. And Ryan's hair. Get Off My Lawn with Devin Nickerson! Get off My Lawn! Get On My Lawn With Devin's Lawn with Ryan's Not Bad, Not Bad Not Bad (featuring Ryan Not Bad! and much more! Subscribe to the podcast Not Badass Not Bad by Ryan Not So Bad by Not Bad Bad Subscribe on Apple Podcasts! Subscribe on iTunes Learn more about Ryan's Bad Habits by clicking here. Subscribe On Podchaser, Like, Share, Share and Subscribe to his Insta! And don't Tell a Friend About This by clicking on Anchor.fm/Become a Friend of Ryan's Workplace by clicking Here. If you like, Share on Insta, Subscribe on Itunes and Subscribe on Instagasm, Subscribe to His Story, We'll Be Quiet, Like Him On The Podcasts, Subscribe On A Podcast, and Don't Tell Him About It?


Transcript

00:00:13.000 Live from New York, it's Get Off My Lawn with Devin Nickerson.
00:00:39.000 Kind of cheesy.
00:00:40.000 Kind of fun.
00:00:42.000 Good road trip music.
00:01:02.000 Not exactly advanced shit.
00:01:05.000 That was, um... What was that now?
00:01:07.000 Enter Shikari?
00:01:08.000 It was one of your teen boys that liked that?
00:01:11.000 Or the only teen boy?
00:01:13.000 Uh, no.
00:01:13.000 Okay.
00:01:14.000 No, my kids are into trap, crap, drill rap shit.
00:01:18.000 That sucks.
00:01:19.000 But the Enter Shikari are from my hometown.
00:01:22.000 Huh.
00:01:22.000 They're from Hertfordshire.
00:01:24.000 I was from Hitchen.
00:01:26.000 These sort of posh areas that surround Luton where Tommy Robinson's from.
00:01:32.000 My mom would go get groceries in Luton, as I've told you many times.
00:01:35.000 Dude, I made a insane mix.
00:01:39.000 An eight-hour road trip mix when I was down in Port St.
00:01:43.000 Lucie for spring break, spring training.
00:01:45.000 It is a masterpiece.
00:01:48.000 Reggae, dancehall, metal, speed metal, stupid shit like we just played there, corny stuff.
00:01:55.000 Bruce Springsteen.
00:01:57.000 It's eight hours long.
00:01:58.000 My gorsh.
00:01:59.000 So I think I can make the link available, and then I'm gonna record a green screen of it to accompany it, to explain everything.
00:02:10.000 That'll be awesome.
00:02:11.000 We got a racist marathon coming up.
00:02:13.000 It'd be cool if we made it look like you were driving in the car while doing that.
00:02:18.000 Yeah.
00:02:20.000 The road behind you.
00:02:21.000 I could do that.
00:02:22.000 Or just sit in a chair on the green screen.
00:02:24.000 Yeah, and then just do this.
00:02:27.000 This band was probably
00:02:28.000 Yeah, okay, let's do that.
00:02:33.000 So today is the free episode.
00:02:34.000 We used to do Thursday nights as free, but Thursday has evolved into a show that I love called Cops and Robber, where we have our felon buddy, Matty O'Dell, Exiles Angel, head of the New Rock chapter, and then we have at least four cops going through cop videos, crime stats, and jail time, and you hear the felon's perspective and the cop's perspective pretty similar.
00:02:56.000 Because it's bottom of the barrel cops, no offense, but like they're detectives, but they're not the top brass.
00:03:02.000 And those guys kind of get abused by the system as much as criminals do.
00:03:07.000 So they're very similar.
00:03:08.000 And if I showed you my texts from my criminal friends and my cop friends, you'd be looking at the same thing.
00:03:16.000 They're indistinguishable.
00:03:18.000 They both love Trump.
00:03:20.000 Or at least the ones I know.
00:03:22.000 Do we have the jump medic bag?
00:03:25.000 Oh, yes, we do.
00:03:26.000 Dig that up.
00:03:27.000 This is our first sponsor, JumpMedic, a company owned by a baby monster who happens to be a longtime paramedic.
00:03:32.000 JumpMedic sells top notch first aid kits and first aid equipment.
00:03:37.000 And we had a dude who was from the Coast Guard in the studio last night with his black wife, who I don't know, was super comfortable with the way we were talking about black female privilege when it comes to police, policing citizens, but whatever.
00:03:54.000 And he was impressed.
00:03:56.000 Like this guy is, I think he's called a corpsman with the Coast Guard?
00:04:00.000 And he went through this pack and he went, yep, this is legit.
00:04:05.000 That's a very flattering word in this day and age.
00:04:08.000 Legit.
00:04:10.000 Too legit to quit.
00:04:12.000 So it comes as a sort of a backpacky thing, but then when you open it up, you can indulge in all this legit shit that's too legit to quit.
00:04:25.000 I'm not groaning because it's heavy, I'm groaning because my workout today was insane.
00:04:29.000 It ended with a mile run, 200 sit-ups, and 100 push-ups.
00:04:39.000 Their premier product is the Jump Medic Pro, which comes in red or black.
00:04:42.000 The Jump Medic Pro contains two world-class first aid bags.
00:04:46.000 The larger bag comes stocked with nine pounds of first aid equipment.
00:04:49.000 Absolutely everything you would need in a first aid kit, from bandages, to sutures, to medications, and even a blood pressure cuff, glucose meter, shears, and a flashlight.
00:05:00.000 Kind of early with the and even, uh...
00:05:04.000 The shears in particular would be perfect if Ryan decides to do something about his incredibly embarrassing hair.
00:05:08.000 Let's check in on your hair today, Ryan.
00:05:11.000 Not bad.
00:05:12.000 Not bad at all.
00:05:14.000 I would even say not annoying today.
00:05:17.000 I don't like it, but hey, a lot of people do.
00:05:20.000 My wife said it looks handsome.
00:05:23.000 It looks handsome?
00:05:25.000 Or you look handsome with your hair that way.
00:05:27.000 But I don't know, it looked boring.
00:05:30.000 Go check out Jumpmatic.com and look at the What's Included page to get an idea of everything included in the Jumpmatic kit.
00:05:37.000 Pro first aid kit the jump medic pro kit also comes with a smaller secondary bag Which you can fill with supplies and use as a convenient transportable first aid or trauma kit You can use the bigger kit for your home and take the smaller one when you're planning on doing anything remotely dangerous And I think now is the best time to be having something like this in your car in your house.
00:05:54.000 We got, California covered in snow people starving in there just have it in your truck and
00:06:02.000 Have it in your car, especially the way transportation is going these days.
00:06:06.000 Thanks to Alfred E. Newman over there, Pete Buttigieg.
00:06:10.000 We're seeing cars pile up.
00:06:11.000 The roads have never been more dangerous.
00:06:14.000 If you're going to get stuck, you want to have this for your family.
00:06:20.000 If you don't have a first aid kit, you need to get one yesterday.
00:06:22.000 You don't want to be unprepared.
00:06:23.000 Both of the incredibly durable bags allow for open flat access while in use.
00:06:27.000 That's what we got here.
00:06:27.000 See?
00:06:28.000 It's open flat.
00:06:32.000 Which makes it quicker and easier to locate supplies in an emergency.
00:06:34.000 Jump Medic also sells refills for these kits.
00:06:36.000 They sell first aid supplies for anyone who may need bandages, medications, and more.
00:06:39.000 If you already have a first aid kit, keep them in mind if you need to supply anything in your kit.
00:06:43.000 As you all know, I've always said I care about my fans, number one.
00:06:45.000 When I think about
00:06:46.000 A single one of you not being prepared for a life-threatening emergency, only two phrases come to mind.
00:06:51.000 How dare you?
00:06:53.000 And you have hurt me today.
00:06:55.000 The JumpMedic Pro is great for nurses, paramedics, firefighters, and police, but it's also great for hobbyists and families.
00:07:00.000 If you don't have a first aid kit in your home, or even if you do, this is a great product, possibly the most comprehensive first aid kit at this price that is currently on the market.
00:07:07.000 Go to JumpMedic.com and enter promo code RyanSucks for 10% off.
00:07:16.000 So this show's free everywhere.
00:07:18.000 Yesterday's show's not free.
00:07:20.000 Never will be again.
00:07:21.000 Never.
00:07:22.000 And the reason we switched to this show is because this is representative of what the show is.
00:07:26.000 We've got a green screen.
00:07:28.000 We've got our various subjects.
00:07:29.000 We do our letter bag.
00:07:31.000 We begin the show by talking about silly stuff.
00:07:35.000 Random shit.
00:07:37.000 Like, dude, you know what happened?
00:07:38.000 I forgot to tell you this.
00:07:41.000 Is Port St.
00:07:42.000 Lucie spring training?
00:07:43.000 No.
00:07:44.000 The kids are catching balls, my youngest boy's 10, he's loving it there.
00:07:47.000 We were getting there at 8am to see them come in the parking lot.
00:07:50.000 Sometimes cool guys like Lindor or Polar Bear will come out and sign balls.
00:07:57.000 So we're at the game and Port St.
00:08:00.000 Lucie, it's spring training so it's not a real stadium, it's a tiny stadium.
00:08:02.000 So you're really close to the guys.
00:08:05.000 And my youngest says, I'm going to reach out and grab a ball if he throws it to us.
00:08:09.000 And then I think it was Lindor, I can't remember who, but like, Lindor, Lindor!
00:08:13.000 He throws it over the net.
00:08:15.000 Guess where it's landing?
00:08:17.000 Near you guys.
00:08:18.000 Right to the G's chest.
00:08:23.000 This is tough.
00:08:25.000 So I go to grab it, and this isn't like it was a pop fly coming at 800 miles an hour.
00:08:31.000 It was thrown by a professional thrower of balls to a person.
00:08:36.000 Probably to Johnny.
00:08:37.000 He was the youngest one around.
00:08:39.000 And he throws it like this, dude.
00:08:43.000 It ricochets off my palm.
00:08:45.000 Come on now, dog.
00:08:48.000 I thought about it.
00:08:50.000 Oh my God, it was devastating.
00:08:51.000 I can't explain how shitty you feel as a dad.
00:08:54.000 Not only did it ricochet off my palm, it smashed a kid in the face.
00:08:58.000 The fag capitals of the world.
00:09:02.000 And like the whole, the whole stadium was just looking at me like, what the fuck?
00:09:08.000 Holy shit.
00:09:11.000 And then I looked down at my boy.
00:09:14.000 And he's looking at me with this look that I'll be able to draw perfectly for the rest of my life.
00:09:19.000 It was like a... It was like a...
00:09:25.000 Can I have the firearm, please?
00:09:26.000 Dude, it burnt a hole in my- he was looking at me like I was a professor, and he just found out, and 10 is pretty old as far as understanding things, that I've been fucking one of my students, and I just blew the marriage.
00:09:36.000 My mom- my mom.
00:09:37.000 My wife was bawling her eyes out in the other room, and we were getting a divorce, and he just- How are you doing, Gavin?
00:09:43.000 Gavin?
00:09:43.000 You fucked one of your students and ruined your marriage, and now I don't have two parents together anymore?
00:09:48.000 What?
00:09:50.000 Or I showed up at one of his games drunk and nude.
00:09:53.000 And was like, What's up, niggas?
00:09:58.000 What are you doing here, Dad?
00:10:02.000 And every time someone missed a ball after that, I got an erection.
00:10:06.000 I am done.
00:10:06.000 You're done?
00:10:07.000 I'm done.
00:10:10.000 It's... until you've experienced what it's like to not catch a ball and hand it to your son and have it go BADOING!
00:10:17.000 Especially you see all these videos of guys with babies who catch them and it's a fucking line drive.
00:10:23.000 With their beer in their hands.
00:10:24.000 With their beer in their fucking... I had no beers!
00:10:27.000 It was in... it was aimed here.
00:10:28.000 I'm never gonna financially recover from this.
00:10:32.000 Really a low point.
00:10:34.000 Um... I'm feeling upset.
00:10:39.000 Okay, enough with the fucking avalanche of drops.
00:10:42.000 Look at this front page of the New York Post today, by the way.
00:10:44.000 I like to show these to prove it's not pre-recorded.
00:10:46.000 Oh, I finally get it!
00:10:52.000 Heller?
00:10:54.000 So, it's the Hell Island Railroad, right?
00:10:57.000 It's the Long Island Railroad, right.
00:10:58.000 Instead of Long, it's Hell.
00:11:00.000 It's L-I-R-R.
00:11:00.000 It's L-I-R-R, right?
00:11:04.000 But I didn't get this first line.
00:11:06.000 It's so crowded, riders stand in bathrooms.
00:11:09.000 That's how crowded it is.
00:11:10.000 I didn't get that all morning.
00:11:11.000 I might be dumb.
00:11:28.000 It's possible.
00:11:29.000 It's very highbrow, the post.
00:11:32.000 Ooh, look at you, Mr. Reading the New York Post.
00:11:36.000 Well, excuse me!
00:11:39.000 The only paper that's like the closest to a comic book that you can get.
00:11:43.000 But I love it.
00:11:44.000 Well, my father-in-law is a scientist and he's a smarty pants and he's like, look at all this garbage.
00:11:49.000 And I'm like, yeah, dude, it's garbage at the beginning.
00:11:53.000 Cause that's what your day is like.
00:11:55.000 You don't want to, you don't want to open the first page when you wake up and see a dead baby on the beach.
00:12:01.000 You want to see a nice eighties white girl ass.
00:12:05.000 And you want to read some gossip.
00:12:07.000 Lady Gaga farted and stuff.
00:12:09.000 And AOC didn't pay tax when she wore her tax-the-rich dress, or at least the woman who designed it did.
00:12:16.000 There's a posh sex club.
00:12:18.000 And then, on page eight, we get into deficit numbers, don't lie.
00:12:23.000 And all the heavy stuff.
00:12:25.000 It's the exact same thing.
00:12:26.000 I copied it for Vice Magazine, and I'm copying it for this show.
00:12:31.000 It's the way you eat.
00:12:31.000 You have an amuse-bouche.
00:12:34.000 Before you have a fucking meat.
00:12:40.000 Before you eat your steak.
00:12:49.000 Another rampant black nationalist who grew up with a white mom and no black dad.
00:12:56.000 California is covered in snow.
00:12:57.000 Speaking of jump medic, you want to have that.
00:13:00.000 What if you are cutting onions, your last onion in your house, and you get a major gash?
00:13:06.000 What are you going to do?
00:13:07.000 Go to the hospital in California right now?
00:13:10.000 Not when you're run by Gavin Newsom.
00:13:13.000 Not that anyone can handle eight feet of snow.
00:13:17.000 I'm sure eight feet of snow is a major pain in the ass in Alaska.
00:13:20.000 I know it's a pain in the ass in Montreal, where I lived for 10 years.
00:13:25.000 So, uh, I don't know.
00:13:27.000 I don't know if this is the best opportunity to bash Gavin Newsom.
00:13:29.000 We have plenty of other reasons to hate that guy, but who could have been prepared for this eight feet of snow in California?
00:13:35.000 Dig your way where?
00:13:36.000 All you single women are probably pumped right now.
00:13:37.000 They don't have a man around or any kids to help you.
00:13:40.000 Yeah, great time to be a spinster.
00:13:42.000 Just Uber eats it.
00:13:42.000 Just Uber eats.
00:13:57.000 And you know those single gals, I used to fuck them when I was single, and they never have anything in their home.
00:14:03.000 No screwdriver for sure.
00:14:04.000 Well no, but they have no food, no nothing, no long-term anything.
00:14:07.000 They don't buy groceries, they always get takeout.
00:14:09.000 They have hummus.
00:14:10.000 They have dishes piled to the ceiling, dirty laundry piled up about five feet high, and then the fridge is just rotten leftovers and condiments.
00:14:19.000 Well, you could... Okay, you could take some of the snow, put it in the fridge, and then use the five-foot pile of clothes to stand on top of the snow pile to get out.
00:14:30.000 Well, she's got a shovel, at least.
00:14:32.000 But where are you going?
00:14:33.000 ...in their homes.
00:14:34.000 There's no way to get to a hospital to get medical help.
00:14:37.000 Jump medic!
00:14:38.000 I have this plow in five days.
00:14:41.000 This is insane.
00:14:42.000 No, it's kind of like COVID, though.
00:14:45.000 Everybody was in Florida and California.
00:14:46.000 I don't know, I think I would love it.
00:14:48.000 Being snowed in is cool.
00:14:49.000 Yeah, no responsibilities.
00:14:52.000 Any emergency services that we really, really need.
00:14:56.000 That's such an LA thing.
00:14:58.000 I have a guy, he's a really, really good friend of mine.
00:15:01.000 They love saying really, really.
00:15:04.000 That's kind of like, I bullshit a lot.
00:15:06.000 And it's like, no, no, I know I bullshit a lot, but I really, actually, really... Correct.
00:15:33.000 Where is she digging to?
00:15:36.000 The road?
00:15:37.000 There's no one to dig to.
00:15:38.000 These are the COVID people that said, stay in.
00:15:39.000 I don't care what you need to do.
00:15:41.000 Stay in.
00:15:42.000 Okay.
00:15:45.000 I'm on this drug right now called Purple Works Nutrition.
00:15:49.000 Feel free to riff if you're still using the product.
00:15:51.000 I am riffing.
00:15:52.000 I am still using the product.
00:15:54.000 Use it today.
00:15:55.000 One thing I've learned, however, is take it easy on this stuff.
00:16:02.000 I had a whole scoop the other day at 7 a.m.. And I had a bit of trouble sleeping at midnight So that's what 7 to 7.
00:16:13.000 That's 19 hours I was fucking wired now.
00:16:17.000 I take I don't actually use the scooper anymore I just use a spoon and I take like a quarter of a tablespoon and
00:16:24.000 Stir it in and then your workout should be over an hour to really get your money's worth out of this.
00:16:31.000 And I was a monster today.
00:16:33.000 Backwards duck walks, forward duck walks, every single bag in the gym, different combinations, a hundred push-ups, two hundred sit-ups, a mile run around the block.
00:16:45.000 I'm afraid I only completed the mile in 14 minutes.
00:16:49.000 I did stop for a piss and I ordered a sandwich at a local restaurant, deli.
00:16:55.000 But, um... Yeah, this stuff works.
00:16:57.000 It makes your hands feel prickly, though.
00:16:59.000 Did you get that?
00:17:00.000 That's beta-alanine, my friend.
00:17:01.000 You keep saying that.
00:17:02.000 What does that mean?
00:17:03.000 What's happening to my hands?
00:17:04.000 I don't know what it actually does, but it makes you feel like it's working.
00:17:07.000 And if you stay still, like, you're tortured.
00:17:09.000 So you have to start going.
00:17:12.000 And they have great... They sent this in, these turbans.
00:17:16.000 That... Maybe it's a headband.
00:17:18.000 That's a t-shirt, Ryan.
00:17:20.000 Hello?
00:17:20.000 What?
00:17:21.000 Hey, listen, I, uh... Did you order your ticket yet?
00:17:24.000 No, I didn't.
00:17:25.000 I'm on the air, though.
00:17:26.000 You're live.
00:17:28.000 Oh, I'm going to order a ticket now for... I'll order you a ticket for the match tonight.
00:17:33.000 Okay, and bags.
00:17:34.000 Alright, sunshine?
00:17:35.000 Alright, sunshine?
00:17:36.000 Did you talk to bags?
00:17:39.000 I'll call Tommy up then.
00:17:40.000 Alright, I'll let you go.
00:17:41.000 Alright, bye.
00:17:41.000 Do your thing.
00:17:43.000 Do your thing.
00:17:46.000 Where are you going?
00:17:48.000 Boxing match tonight.
00:17:50.000 We have another sponsor, and weirdly enough, he was fighting today with a guy.
00:17:55.000 I like these three old dudes.
00:17:56.000 They're all my age, and they do a thing that they invented, which I'm a huge fan of.
00:18:01.000 It's called taking a break during the round.
00:18:05.000 Do you have your stance and your guard up?
00:18:08.000 No, you're leaning on the ropes like... It's great.
00:18:18.000 We have another sponsor, and really enough, another up-and-coming company founded by a paramedic, Purpleworks Nutrition.
00:18:23.000 Purpleworksnutrition.com.
00:18:26.000 Purpleworks manufactures a pre-workout that I've been using.
00:18:29.000 I just told you about it.
00:18:30.000 The Purpleworks Pink Lemonade Pre-Workout enhances your strength, energy, and focus to get you ready for even the most strenuous workouts you have planned.
00:18:37.000 Heck, if you take off leg day, Purpleworks Pre-Workout might even be looking at you from the corner of the room, judging you, and telepathically insisting that you hit the gym
00:18:45.000 And work on your puny cats.
00:18:46.000 And I'd like to say something to you guys out there who don't feel like hitting the gym.
00:18:51.000 It's not like there's hitting the gym and being awesome and kicking ass and then not hitting the gym and being a piece of shit.
00:18:57.000 I would like to offer up a gray area called hitting the gym and being half-assed.
00:19:04.000 For example, my backwards duck walks today, no one would call them duck walks.
00:19:08.000 I was standing a couple times.
00:19:11.000 My push-ups, my hundred push-ups, if my penis was out, it was not touching the ground.
00:19:16.000 They were more like, boopie, boopie, boopie.
00:19:19.000 These were my hundred push-ups.
00:19:23.000 And they were not...
00:19:26.000 Cheat, guys.
00:19:28.000 Cheat.
00:19:29.000 And I did a whole video on this called, I think it's How to Box, where you can hide behind the heavy bag so the coach doesn't see you until halfway through the round.
00:19:38.000 You come out and you go, what should I be doing?
00:19:39.000 And he goes, what the?
00:19:40.000 What the fuck are you doing?
00:19:42.000 I don't know.
00:19:42.000 I'm not a mind reader.
00:19:44.000 God.
00:19:49.000 Yeah, you get a skipping rope that's not the right size for you, which means you keep falling and stopping and needing breaks.
00:19:56.000 I'm just showing you how you shouldn't put on your wraps before you start your workout.
00:20:00.000 So then the coach goes, hey, put your wraps on.
00:20:03.000 And you're like, oh shit, I don't have them on yet.
00:20:06.000 That'll take me a whole round.
00:20:07.000 A million ways to cheat, guys.
00:20:10.000 And by the way, isn't this new ad guy a hundred times better than the guy who let Nazis take us over?
00:20:16.000 He is, but you know, being good at your job is less funny, so... True, we haven't had a lot of comedy out of this guy's incompetence because it doesn't exist.
00:20:25.000 That's correct.
00:20:25.000 By the way, speaking of Nazis, I've started moderating the comments on the site, which I know sounds weird because it's censored.tv, and it is hypocritical.
00:20:34.000 I think is the most important takeaway here.
00:20:36.000 But after what a year of zero moderation whatsoever, there's a couple idiots like some guy named Snow Ape and a guy named Gums and they just get out there with the nigger this and nigger that.
00:20:47.000 The Jews, Jews, Jews.
00:20:49.000 And what it does is it kills the conversation.
00:20:53.000 Until no one wants to talk.
00:20:55.000 And then it's just like, say you had an art class and some guys just kept drawing swastikas and cocks.
00:21:00.000 Everyone would go, all right, well, I guess this isn't for me.
00:21:02.000 And they slowly leave.
00:21:03.000 So they kill the conversation.
00:21:04.000 Then you start wondering, wait a minute, what are the odds you're a Fed or Antifa and your assignment is to kill the conversation here, ruin the brand and shit on everything.
00:21:14.000 Make it no fun.
00:21:16.000 A saboteur, if you will.
00:21:17.000 So either they're saboteurs on purpose,
00:21:21.000 Hired by the state, or the radical left, or they're just saboteurs because they suck shit.
00:21:25.000 But yeah, really, really excessive offensive garbage that has no point to it whatsoever.
00:21:34.000 Obviously if someone's like, I think the word nigger has been used, blah blah blah, no one's gonna censor that.
00:21:38.000 But it's just like, I fucking hate n's.
00:21:41.000 I've started cutting it out.
00:21:43.000 And it's drastically improved the conversation.
00:21:47.000 So that was what Twitter argued when they first started censoring.
00:21:52.000 It was just like Jew, Jew, Jew, black, black, black.
00:21:55.000 And so they cut those out and it helped.
00:21:59.000 But then they kind of got drunk with power and they started censoring guys like me and normal people.
00:22:04.000 And then it became super woke and everything that goes woke goes broke.
00:22:08.000 So that's probably what will happen with us.
00:22:10.000 We'll start out with this justified censorship.
00:22:12.000 Then I'll start deleting comments that criticize my looks.
00:22:16.000 Anyone who says I look old.
00:22:18.000 And then it'll just be comments about how handsome I am.
00:22:21.000 And then we'll go broke.
00:22:23.000 But the other direction wasn't working.
00:22:27.000 I have a, yeah, I have a telegram and I don't moderate anything and it's, I don't even go in there anymore because it's just, I think the people that say N and Jew the most, they just, they're there so much that everybody else is just kind of like, well, I can't really beat that.
00:22:42.000 Yeah, what are you going to do?
00:22:42.000 Someone's like, he's a cook for the Jews, he's cooking for shekels.
00:22:46.000 And then what's the next comment going to be?
00:22:48.000 I think that was a really interesting take on the aviation problem, but the real question is, is it incompetence?
00:22:54.000 Or is it some sort of globalist scheme?
00:22:56.000 That's the differentiation I have trouble with.
00:22:59.000 Yeah, whatever, nigger face!
00:23:05.000 You could even say that, but it's just repeat ones.
00:23:09.000 Ends, repeat ends, repeat ends.
00:23:11.000 I don't comment on like anything, so I can't really relate, but this is a lot of people are angry because that's how they express themselves.
00:23:18.000 But it's time to be a little more... Yeah, and no one's taking away your right to speak.
00:23:22.000 Go speak anywhere else.
00:23:24.000 But Telegram's a lost cause.
00:23:26.000 I don't even look at Telegram.
00:23:27.000 I hate Telegram.
00:23:28.000 It ruined, I wouldn't say it ruined the Proud Boys because they're not ruined, but it was behind the Civil War and it's caused nothing but problems because it's drunk assholes doing those stupid circular bubble talks and they get the hubris that they don't have in person and they just start talking shit.
00:23:45.000 Anyway, this has not got a lot to do with Purple Works.
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00:24:16.000 I did notice too that you get a second wind.
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00:25:00.000 I would say...
00:25:02.000 Start small and work in, yeah the shaker's good too.
00:25:05.000 Definitely half scoop it first, just to see where you're at.
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00:25:18.000 Just in case it, and then this lady...
00:25:21.000 I mean, this is her before she took it.
00:25:22.000 She needs two hands to hold this thing.
00:25:24.000 Yeah.
00:25:24.000 Which is like, what, like an ounce it weighs?
00:25:26.000 Yeah, that's how weak she was.
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00:25:56.000 Let's help them out and give them a boost.
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00:26:02.000 Wow, this guy's qualified.
00:26:05.000 Those are inside references there.
00:26:07.000 Bam, boom.
00:26:09.000 All right, let's dive into the show.
00:26:10.000 Are you ready, Ryan?
00:26:12.000 Are we going to do a... This chair's looking a little small.
00:26:14.000 If I can start the show, Bumper?
00:26:17.000 We haven't done that in so long, you see.
00:26:19.000 OK, fine.
00:26:20.000 We could.
00:26:21.000 Let's start the show.
00:26:23.000 Well, let me get it rippin'.
00:26:24.000 I gotta rip it.
00:26:25.000 Okay, rip that up.
00:26:26.000 Okay, I'll rip it up and rip it around and rip it down.
00:26:28.000 Here it comes.
00:26:28.000 We're about to start the show.
00:26:29.000 It comes from this end.
00:26:30.000 It sure does.
00:26:31.000 It's a monster truck and then Trump's in there and an eagle too.
00:26:34.000 That's correct.
00:26:35.000 So you do remember it.
00:26:36.000 So you suggested bringing on something that you were not prepared for.
00:26:38.000 Oh, here we go!
00:26:39.000 It's not keyed out so good.
00:26:41.000 Beautiful, beautiful bird.
00:26:46.000 Bye-bye!
00:26:46.000 Bye!
00:26:47.000 Home to Mommy!
00:26:49.000 She probably likes me.
00:26:50.000 Oh, you know what's interesting?
00:26:52.000 I say that so often.
00:26:54.000 Yeah.
00:26:54.000 I didn't even register you said that.
00:26:56.000 People don't know the reference.
00:26:58.000 So everyone understands the words by and by together.
00:27:02.000 But the guy will be like leaving.
00:27:04.000 Bye bye!
00:27:05.000 Home to mommy!
00:27:06.000 They understand that and they'll go, she probably likes me.
00:27:09.000 Like, what the fuck?
00:27:10.000 Is that from Labyrinth or something?
00:27:12.000 No, it's from Donald Trump.
00:27:13.000 No, I know, but that's what they're saying.
00:27:14.000 Oh, I see.
00:27:15.000 Yeah, yeah.
00:27:16.000 Like, are you?
00:27:17.000 Oh, I thought you were funny.
00:27:18.000 You have special needs.
00:27:20.000 Your mommy likes me.
00:27:22.000 You know what I noticed though?
00:27:24.000 On Telegram this is the past two days I think this happened but remember Gypsy Crusader?
00:27:29.000 Yep.
00:27:30.000 I like spicy stuff.
00:27:31.000 He was the guy who was beaten mercilessly by Antifa.
00:27:34.000 They took all his equipment and received zero charges the same night.
00:27:37.000 Max and John got four years and they will be out in a week.
00:27:42.000 Whoa.
00:27:44.000 Four years is over in a week.
00:27:46.000 Isn't that nuts?
00:27:47.000 That is wild.
00:27:48.000 A little over a week, but you got me.
00:27:51.000 No, but his telegram's gone.
00:27:53.000 Oh, it's not gone.
00:27:53.000 You can't look at it on iPhone.
00:27:56.000 Gypsy Crusader.
00:27:57.000 I don't care.
00:27:58.000 It's a pretty big deal.
00:27:59.000 Even Telegram's censored.
00:28:00.000 That was supposed to be one of the most uncensored places ever.
00:28:04.000 You wouldn't believe Ryan these days.
00:28:06.000 This morning I came into work and he goes, he told me about two things he invented that he just thought of.
00:28:11.000 One is the phone and the other is a boxing glove.
00:28:14.000 And I had to break it to him that both these things exist.
00:28:17.000 I have two inventions.
00:28:19.000 You didn't let me finish here.
00:28:20.000 One is a phone.
00:28:21.000 Phones are invented, okay?
00:28:23.000 They've had them since Alexander Graham Bell first came up with them in the year 18036.
00:28:28.000 But it does more than that.
00:28:30.000 It's a... It's an iPhone?
00:28:32.000 You have it outside of your door when you're... You have it just in the place where it could be stolen, then when somebody steals it, you zap them.
00:28:39.000 So it's not actually a phone.
00:28:41.000 It just electrocutes them.
00:28:42.000 It electrocutes their ears or whatever, their hands.
00:28:45.000 Their hands, yes.
00:28:47.000 You would be sued into oblivion.
00:28:49.000 It's not legal, though.
00:28:50.000 It's just an invention.
00:28:51.000 You would be sued into oblivion.
00:28:54.000 If you bought a legal phone zapper and you zap someone.
00:28:57.000 I'd like to see them find one shred of proof that I've ever come up with this before.
00:29:01.000 Anyway, my second invention- No, not you!
00:29:02.000 The owner of the zapping machine!
00:29:05.000 What if they didn't know it zaps?
00:29:06.000 What if they're like, oh, it's defective?
00:29:09.000 Uh, no.
00:29:10.000 The police will have heard of the zappers.
00:29:11.000 So that's a terrible idea.
00:29:12.000 Okay.
00:29:13.000 Second one is, uh, a pair of boxing gloves.
00:29:17.000 Been invented.
00:29:18.000 Every gym has at least one pair of boxing gloves, so that's not a good invention.
00:29:24.000 I didn't finish.
00:29:26.000 There's a thing in it, if you will.
00:29:28.000 A hand?
00:29:29.000 Because that's what boxing gloves are.
00:29:30.000 No, not at all.
00:29:31.000 A fist.
00:29:32.000 No, it's a sensor, so when you hit something it says how hard you've hit it.
00:29:37.000 Yeah.
00:29:38.000 And getting good at it.
00:29:39.000 Yes.
00:29:39.000 And then also there's a sensor like just level with the floor.
00:29:43.000 So whenever it registers a hit, it tells you whether you hit like up near the head or low.
00:29:48.000 No, no, no.
00:29:49.000 That's a good idea.
00:29:50.000 But here's what you do.
00:29:51.000 It's a sensor that goes on your knuckles.
00:29:54.000 You put it in your wraps and then you punch and it's a 0.8 or whatever pounds of pressure.
00:30:00.000 Probably like nine million for me.
00:30:01.000 But go ahead.
00:30:02.000 OK.
00:30:04.000 Your phone is filming you.
00:30:07.000 And it starts, it's synced up with the sensor.
00:30:10.000 So then you watch back the video, and it, because it was synced, then this 0.8, you can see the 0.8 happening.
00:30:19.000 I might even have a camera, that's part of it, just a cheap little camera just to... What?
00:30:23.000 Cause then... Use the camera with your phone, guy.
00:30:26.000 You could, but... Where's the camera that you invented?
00:30:29.000 Well, it's a little... You wonder why Puerto Rico is still fucked several years after the hurricane.
00:30:35.000 Because now it takes over your phone.
00:30:38.000 Now you have to record it with your phone.
00:30:39.000 It's two actions instead of one.
00:30:41.000 So if you have it, this little device that it's like a two-piecer, where it's like you got the glove thing and then you set up this little tripod and it records.
00:30:50.000 You're making me sad.
00:30:52.000 You should start a show for Goths called Ryan's Inventions and people can just watch it and feel like killing themselves.
00:30:57.000 And it sounds like the Smiths?
00:30:59.000 It's what the Smiths look like?
00:31:01.000 If you want to get really dark, listen to Ryan's brain work.
00:31:06.000 Alright, let's do some feminism.
00:31:10.000 The world that is the storm, the perfect storm, the I am the change in the storm.
00:31:17.000 Who here identifies as a feminist?
00:31:19.000 We are the storm.
00:31:21.000 The very form of change that the world has been waiting for.
00:31:28.000 You said I was too pretty to fight.
00:31:33.000 That's toxic masculinity.
00:31:34.000 You don't realize how your behavior is hurtful.
00:31:39.000 So where do we put this episode, Ryan?
00:31:42.000 It's the audio is free on all podcast places, right?
00:31:45.000 Yep.
00:31:46.000 And then, where's the video?
00:31:49.000 That is on censored.tv under the free shit section.
00:31:52.000 So if you're not logged in, you'll only see the free... But is it also on Bumble and Rumble and Jumble and Crumble?
00:31:58.000 We don't get a ton, because we can't, we don't advertise that we're on those things, so if people search it, sure it pops up, but I figure... If it's under several thousand, don't bother.
00:32:08.000 It is.
00:32:09.000 Like, it's cause it's spread out.
00:32:11.000 We have Rumble, GabTV, BitChute, bleh.
00:32:14.000 Alright, so it's just uncensored.
00:32:15.000 Go to censored for it.
00:32:16.000 Go to censored.
00:32:17.000 You have a home here, even if you're not subscribed.
00:32:19.000 There's tons of free shit.
00:32:22.000 Uh, I found the perfect wife, if you're interested.
00:32:26.000 I'm already taken.
00:32:28.000 She's an ex-soccer player, probably a dyke.
00:32:31.000 I have a strange attraction to lesbians.
00:32:34.000 Does that mean I'm a gay?
00:32:36.000 Maybe cause they're the ungettable thing?
00:32:39.000 No, I'll just see a gal and I'll go, she seems like a lot of fun.
00:32:42.000 And then I'll dig deeper and I'll be like, oh, you were a soccer star?
00:32:46.000 Yeah, you're gay.
00:32:50.000 And you're good at skateboarding.
00:32:51.000 That's not a good sign.
00:32:52.000 If a woman is really good at surfing and skating barefoot, she's probably gay.
00:32:58.000 Maybe like the fact that not a lot of guys have been with her.
00:33:01.000 Maybe even none.
00:33:02.000 No.
00:33:04.000 I've also noticed that I'll see like a lesbian couple and the man in the relationship will have like a jean jacket on and shaggy hair and I'll be like, that guy seems like a chill dude.
00:33:15.000 And then I realize, Oh, I'm, I'm looking at a woman.
00:33:19.000 Look at that cup of tea.
00:33:22.000 Look at those cans.
00:33:24.000 And she's smiling in every single photograph.
00:33:27.000 Val LaForge.
00:33:29.000 Is she Hawaiian-y?
00:33:31.000 No, I don't think so.
00:33:33.000 Why'd you say A for Hawaiians?
00:33:34.000 I don't know.
00:33:36.000 I wish that was on my bag.
00:33:39.000 What if she fell on your bag?
00:33:41.000 Yeah.
00:33:41.000 I don't know why I would want that.
00:33:42.000 That would hurt.
00:33:44.000 Just a quality human being.
00:33:46.000 And not too pretty.
00:33:48.000 Y'all!
00:33:48.000 I'm so excited to share with you my new flower board.
00:33:54.000 Isn't that just a groovy gal?
00:33:57.000 Yep.
00:33:57.000 She better not catch any air.
00:34:00.000 Why?
00:34:01.000 Well, girls, this is how girls skate.
00:34:03.000 They usually don't try to catch any air.
00:34:05.000 And when they do, it's terrible.
00:34:07.000 It's too aggressive, catching air.
00:34:08.000 Yeah.
00:34:09.000 Be ladylike.
00:34:11.000 Just be grooving.
00:34:13.000 Groove along, ladies.
00:34:17.000 I'm realizing now I didn't put enough stuff in the feminism section.
00:34:20.000 That's not very good for business, is it?
00:34:23.000 We could hit the master list.
00:34:26.000 I did a bad job of my job today, and you're watching failure live on air.
00:34:37.000 I got I got some stuff here.
00:34:39.000 Okay the paving the way the 35 year old.
00:34:42.000 Yeah, let's look at that one Let's do those two the first two of feminism in the master doc.
00:34:47.000 I meant to put into this list
00:34:50.000 Oh, this is fucking awesome.
00:34:52.000 My bikini waxer said something.
00:34:54.000 Let's see your face.
00:34:55.000 My bikini waxer said something that blew my mind this week.
00:34:58.000 We were talking about feeling lost after turning 34 and why we felt that way.
00:35:03.000 Then she said, we're not the first generation of 30s.
00:35:05.000 Yeah, sorry.
00:35:07.000 We're the first generation of 30-somethings not building traditional families.
00:35:11.000 There's no blueprint for us.
00:35:13.000 We're paving the way to misery and loneliness and a horrible life.
00:35:19.000 What am I, Nick Oakes now?
00:35:21.000 Hello.
00:35:22.000 Oh yeah, I was testing that out, but I didn't know everybody saw that, I'm sorry.
00:35:26.000 Yeah, thanks.
00:35:27.000 Why don't you focus on the job that's here in the here and now, the live show.
00:35:32.000 This is a great example of women being agreeable, always staying positive.
00:35:36.000 Like that girl we just saw before, big smile, super fun, really groovy.
00:35:40.000 And that's great when you're a mom.
00:35:43.000 That's great when you're in a family.
00:35:44.000 When you're a lonely spinster,
00:35:46.000 Ending your legacy of 200,000 years, you managed to take a miserable situation and make it positive.
00:35:52.000 Like, I'm waxing my pussy because no one wants it anymore.
00:35:56.000 I'm trying to make myself flawless.
00:35:59.000 And now it's paving the way.
00:36:02.000 Now you're a revolutionary.
00:36:04.000 And what's the guy say about this sad sack of potatoes?
00:36:08.000 We are facing an army of witches in the making, the likes of which will make Solomon tremble.
00:36:14.000 The amount of single women that will be driven into hysteria once they realize they can't have families will be a wicked force.
00:36:19.000 Cabal knows this.
00:36:22.000 Yep.
00:36:23.000 What's the thread, though?
00:36:24.000 What's he saying after that?
00:36:25.000 You know where you really see this, too, is at old age homes.
00:36:28.000 I've talked to people who work in them, and people who have children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren, they have a vibe about them.
00:36:35.000 Hey, man, I'm here on the back nine about to go into this abyss, about to release myself from this mortal coil.
00:36:44.000 Bye-bye!
00:36:46.000 Home to mommy!
00:36:48.000 God probably likes me.
00:36:50.000 And the ones who don't have any kids are hysterical, demonic, unhinged.
00:36:55.000 What does he say?
00:36:56.000 As a result, they will be susceptible to a two-fold action.
00:37:00.000 One, complete chaos, all doing their own thing.
00:37:03.000 No maternal role, so they will seek indulgent Jezebel narcissism.
00:37:07.000 Two, what is Kabal?
00:37:09.000 Is that like some demon in hell?
00:37:12.000 Cabal will, and probably already does, have things set in place to ground them, a.k.a.
00:37:17.000 the government.
00:37:18.000 Alright, I don't want to get that far into the other dude.
00:37:21.000 What's the other, um... Uh... Lesbian?
00:37:26.000 The other 35-year-old?
00:37:27.000 The next one?
00:37:29.000 Asian comedian.
00:37:30.000 This segment is sucking rocks right now.
00:37:33.000 Broads ruin everything, you say?
00:37:36.000 Oh yeah, this is funny.
00:37:38.000 And all my friends are married and they're always giving me advice.
00:37:40.000 They're just like, Leslie, get out there.
00:37:42.000 Just stay casually.
00:37:43.000 I'm like, I'm 35.
00:37:44.000 This is urgent.
00:37:45.000 There's nothing casual about my life.
00:37:52.000 I need to text guys at night and be like, are you up for starting a family?
00:38:04.000 So much of female comedy is just a bunch of facts.
00:38:08.000 When I'm watching it going, yeah, that's horrible.
00:38:10.000 I'm not laughing.
00:38:12.000 And 35, sorry babe, way too late.
00:38:17.000 Nobody wants you.
00:38:18.000 25 in New York City is 35.
00:38:26.000 To most.
00:38:27.000 Like the guys that want you are just gonna be fucking 25 year olds.
00:38:31.000 And that's why I said don't come here.
00:38:33.000 New York City's an elephant's graveyard for ovaries.
00:38:35.000 I did it at a talk once and all the women in the place stormed out.
00:38:38.000 It was a company called Happy Corp that was sponsoring speakers and they had me come in and do a talk about New York City.
00:38:46.000 What it's like to come here, and I got up there.
00:38:48.000 It is half woman Maybe two-thirds woman, and I said don't come here ladies.
00:38:52.000 You're not gonna find a rich guy you fucked up you shouldn't have left your hometown your lives are gonna be miserable and I used the elephant scraper for over saying they all started storming out in a rage and then happy corp went under That was fun all right, let's do a
00:39:10.000 Let's hope this next segment is better and do the War on Kids.
00:39:14.000 Short but sweet.
00:39:15.000 I want to do short little versions of all our usual segments so people can get a little taste of Roonski.
00:39:22.000 We're living in an ageism era where children are seen as human garbage.
00:39:33.000 Regulations to indoctrinate American school children with poisonous and divisive left-wing doctrines.
00:39:44.000 I know why I hated the feminism thing.
00:39:45.000 Why?
00:39:46.000 Because I was thinking of something and then I forgot about it and that made me feel bad and I thought the badness was resenting the segment but I was really mad at myself for forgetting a cute little anecdote which I've already told you a hundred times but because this is a free show we're kind of talking to new people so I'm gonna repeat stories more than I usually do which is quite a lot.
00:40:06.000 Remember that time we were at Sundance promoting the Brotherhood of the Traveling Rants and I was with my old pal Steve Durand and he met some dude Steve used to do motocross because his parents got divorced when we were 13 and he could have whatever he wanted so we got a motorcycle when we were teenagers we all had fucking BMXs he had a dirt bike and so he competed and stuff with that and he there was some guy who was riding down the mountain
00:40:35.000 Uh, in the summer.
00:40:37.000 Was it snowing out?
00:40:39.000 Yeah, it was snowing.
00:40:40.000 Sorry.
00:40:41.000 So he was riding down the mountain.
00:40:42.000 He does it in the summer, but he does it in the winter, too.
00:40:44.000 And they have these, like, weird wheels they put on.
00:40:46.000 They're doing jumps that are made of ice.
00:40:49.000 And they have these, like, knobby tires that have spikes on them.
00:40:52.000 They can ride ice.
00:40:54.000 Sounds like it would hurt to fall, no?
00:40:57.000 Anyway, those guys bonded, and then I saw some lezzy-looking dude who looked like a shaggy dog, and he had on a little vest, a Patagonia thing, and he had on moccasins and some sort of quilted pants, and he was talking to a bunch of moms and making them laugh.
00:41:13.000 And I was like, that's my kind of guy.
00:41:15.000 And then Steve goes, that dude was, he comes back over to the table after talking to that guy, and he goes, that dude was pretty cool.
00:41:19.000 Got his number, we might get beers later.
00:41:22.000 And I go, oh yeah, I was kind of checking out this dude, he seems like a pretty hip cat.
00:41:26.000 And Steve got so mad.
00:41:29.000 And he goes, ugh, look at the kind of guys I'm into, and look at the kind of guys you're into, you fucking faggot!
00:41:40.000 Ooh, I gotta put that on my list.
00:41:43.000 What, your hits?
00:41:44.000 No, it is not my hits.
00:41:45.000 It's things that make me smile.
00:41:48.000 Oh, okay.
00:41:49.000 Because if you were the stones, like you as one man, that would probably be painted black.
00:41:55.000 Yeah.
00:41:55.000 It's not satisfaction.
00:41:57.000 No.
00:41:58.000 And it ain't, you know, brown sugar!
00:42:02.000 Actually, it could be.
00:42:03.000 I think it's brown sugar.
00:42:05.000 You know what is at the top of this list?
00:42:06.000 What's that?
00:42:06.000 Things that make me smile when I think about them?
00:42:08.000 Me dying.
00:42:12.000 Scary Perry talking about when he was raped, lying about when he was raped, and saying a bottle broke in his ass after he was raped with a bottle, and he goes, I didn't mean to squeeze but I squoze, and the bottle broke.
00:42:23.000 I meant to squeeze, I thought it was, I meant to squeeze but I squoze, or I should have squeezed but I should have squoze.
00:42:28.000 Shut up, Brian.
00:42:30.000 I don't know.
00:42:30.000 I just squeeze, but I squoze.
00:42:32.000 And that broke the battle.
00:42:34.000 Kimberly Guilfoyle seeing me clean my ass in the bathroom because the door lock didn't work and having a panic attack.
00:42:42.000 Fleckus, I said, why aren't you a Mets fan?
00:42:44.000 You're like a fat dude with a beard.
00:42:45.000 And he goes, well, and here's the crucial part of this story.
00:42:48.000 He was not kidding one bit.
00:42:51.000 So he wasn't trying to be funny.
00:42:52.000 He was definitely thinking about it.
00:42:54.000 And he was like, why aren't I a Mets fan?
00:42:56.000 Uh, well, I'm not a Jew and I'm not retarded.
00:42:58.000 So it never occurred to me.
00:43:00.000 And every time I tell people that story, they think it's like an anti-Semitic joke or something.
00:43:04.000 I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:43:06.000 He was honestly working it out in his head.
00:43:09.000 Like, you say to a black guy, why didn't you play lacrosse?
00:43:13.000 Well, I'm not a white dude and I'm not rich, so it never really came up.
00:43:18.000 You know?
00:43:18.000 You could have thrown, I'm not from Queens in there.
00:43:20.000 Why aren't you Amish?
00:43:21.000 Well, I didn't grow up in Pennsylvania.
00:43:23.000 I'm not that religious, so it never occurred to me.
00:43:26.000 Butter's just okay in my opinion.
00:43:30.000 And then of course my favorite one I just this just pops into my head and I just feel joy so if I'm hungover I'm puking or something I think about these things and I feel happy and that is DJ Khaled playing his free guitar
00:43:45.000 I can just see it right now and it just, it brings, some people want to look at a fountain, some people like staring at the fireplace.
00:43:52.000 I think of DJ Khaled playing his free guitar and I just go, ah.
00:43:58.000 Get a close-up, get a close-up, get a close-up of the case.
00:44:02.000 He might be the dumbest man in show business.
00:44:05.000 This is the type of shit that, like, a 16-year-old guitar player... Look, look, he can't read.
00:44:11.000 He can't read.
00:44:13.000 He's so rich, his maid is white.
00:44:16.000 ...as someone who has an appreciation for Bob Marley's life and music, we want you to be one of the first to play the Gilded 20 Marley, based on Bob's at-home songwriting, guitared from 56 Hope Road.
00:44:27.000 I wish he had read it.
00:44:28.000 I'd like to see him watch.
00:44:30.000 Look at his other hand!
00:44:31.000 The frets!
00:44:50.000 I've never heard an E string that much.
00:44:53.000 Doesn't that just bring joy to your life?
00:44:56.000 This is the guy, by the way, who bowed out in the Hot Wings competition after, I think, two sauces.
00:45:02.000 I'm not quitting though.
00:45:02.000 And he's like, I won.
00:45:04.000 Because, in a way, I didn't hurt myself.
00:45:06.000 Well, the thing is, if you go to the end, you're playing yourself.
00:45:10.000 Because you're hurting yourself and you're damaging your health.
00:45:13.000 So, if you bow out early, you're healthier, your body's in better shape now, because you didn't kill yourself with wings, so you win.
00:45:22.000 And the other guy who invented the game is like, no, that's not the game.
00:45:27.000 You don't win the game to quit.
00:45:33.000 It's a big show, but it's the finger licking special.
00:45:36.000 You know how you find the part?
00:45:37.000 You look at the levels of what's the most popular because it's really early.
00:45:41.000 It looks like somebody clipped this one though.
00:45:43.000 Schoenberger.
00:45:45.000 It's hot.
00:45:46.000 Yeah.
00:45:46.000 Holy shit.
00:45:47.000 It's in the name.
00:45:48.000 A winner.
00:45:50.000 Yo bro, is yours different than mine?
00:45:53.000 I'm going to switch.
00:45:54.000 Alright.
00:45:54.000 What, your brain?
00:45:55.000 Yes.
00:45:57.000 What's first?
00:45:57.000 Much.
00:45:58.000 What's first?
00:45:59.000 Abilities?
00:46:00.000 I promise you if I stop, doesn't mean I gave up.
00:46:04.000 Yes it does.
00:46:05.000 By definition.
00:46:07.000 I'm a winner.
00:46:07.000 What the fuck that mean?
00:46:08.000 Just cause I quit, doesn't mean I gave up.
00:46:11.000 There ain't no victory for me, my brother.
00:46:12.000 W-E-T-H-E-B-E-S-T We the best!
00:46:14.000 I didn't give up because...
00:46:21.000 Anyway, this is not exactly the war on kids.
00:46:23.000 This one is pretty heavy.
00:46:24.000 I'm glad we started nice and light because this is perfect.
00:46:29.000 Eloquent.
00:46:32.000 I'd like to hear the radical left tell us that we're insane after watching this clip.
00:46:36.000 And kudos to the father for not losing his shit and destroying that entire place.
00:46:41.000 I don't.
00:46:43.000 He's a better man than I, because I would have fucking lost it after this.
00:46:49.000 My name's Nox Zajac.
00:46:50.000 I'm 11 years old and I go to Windham Middle School.
00:46:53.000 I'm a 6th grader.
00:46:54.000 I was in the library and this book was on a stand.
00:46:59.000 I'd like to read you a page.
00:47:01.000 My back over my hips as I ask if we should take our clothes off.
00:47:07.000 And he's saying yes before I finish my sentence.
00:47:09.000 He's pulling off my t-shirt, laughing when I can't undo his shirt buttons.
00:47:13.000 He's undoing my belt.
00:47:15.000 I'm reaching into his bedside drawer for a condom.
00:47:18.000 We're kissing again.
00:47:19.000 We're rolling over.
00:47:20.000 Obviously, you can see where this is going.
00:47:22.000 I don't know if it's because we're feeling especially emotional or just tired.
00:47:27.000 Or these past couple of weeks have been too much.
00:47:30.000 But this reminds me so much of the first time we had sex.
00:47:33.000 We were both fucking terrified and the whole thing was kind of terrible because we didn't know what we were doing.
00:47:40.000 But it was good too, so good.
00:47:43.000 Because we were a mess of emotions and we were scared and excited and everything felt new.
00:47:49.000 So this sort of thing, this sort of feels like that.
00:47:52.000 Nick touches me like he's scared at any minute.
00:47:56.000 No, this book was at my middle school and it was on a stand.
00:47:59.000 When I rented it out to show my dad it, the librarian asked if I wanted more and if I wanted a graphic novel version.
00:48:09.000 Short and sweet.
00:48:10.000 And this isn't something scripted, he just read from the book, right?
00:48:15.000 Oh boy.
00:48:17.000 So I'm that kid's father.
00:48:20.000 Okay, good.
00:48:21.000 I was asking for you.
00:48:22.000 Yeah, I'll take another three minutes.
00:48:24.000 So that's my son.
00:48:25.000 Okay.
00:48:27.000 11 years old and went to his library and found that by the entry door.
00:48:34.000 Oh, just pause.
00:48:39.000 I've heard the argument from the other side.
00:48:40.000 You know what they say?
00:48:42.000 Let me tell you something.
00:48:43.000 It was black people on MSNBC.
00:48:44.000 Let me tell you something.
00:48:45.000 Your son is seen a lot worse on the internet.
00:48:48.000 Okay?
00:48:49.000 Okay?
00:48:50.000 I'm not buying that.
00:48:52.000 Eleven?
00:48:53.000 Eleven.
00:48:55.000 They don't.
00:48:55.000 My boy is on his iPad.
00:48:58.000 He's 10.
00:48:59.000 I see what he looks at.
00:49:01.000 We have, obviously, family protected, but he's not interested in hearing about two gays having hot sex.
00:49:07.000 It's not something they want to Google.
00:49:08.000 And those were, make no mistake about it, those were two homosexuals in that opening grabbing the condoms.
00:49:14.000 Even if so, even if it is the onion, leave it on the internet, not in the fucking school library.
00:49:18.000 Yeah, yeah, good point.
00:49:19.000 Yeah, that's like the school library has joints as you walk in.
00:49:24.000 Let me tell you something, those kids get plenty of joints on the streets.
00:49:28.000 Okay.
00:49:29.000 It's a school joint.
00:49:30.000 I'm working on the second one.
00:49:32.000 Right.
00:49:32.000 I don't need you adding a new one in front of it.
00:49:37.000 I don't care whether it's gay, straight, bisexual, whatever the terms are for all this stuff.
00:49:44.000 Doesn't need to be at our school.
00:49:47.000 Doesn't need to be at my 11-year-old's library.
00:49:50.000 And then, as far as genderqueer...
00:49:53.000 I've got a son in the high school as well.
00:49:55.000 And this is bullshit.
00:49:57.000 We know it.
00:49:58.000 All right.
00:49:59.000 We do not need to be having literature that's showing boys how to suck dick.
00:50:05.000 All right.
00:50:05.000 This is a very, very frustrating thought.
00:50:08.000 Can you believe we're the radical ones?
00:50:10.000 We're the radical ones.
00:50:11.000 Like show that to Obama and Clinton in 2004 and go, by the way, this is not your side.
00:50:18.000 These are your enemies.
00:50:19.000 Can you believe that guys who want strong borders and don't believe in gay marriage?
00:50:24.000 What a fucking mess.
00:50:25.000 You may think that schools know the best for our children.
00:50:28.000 You know who know the best for our children?
00:50:30.000 The parents.
00:50:31.000 I like that shirt.
00:50:34.000 I sent you some extras there, Ryan.
00:50:37.000 I think I texted them to you, because there's one.
00:50:40.000 I have my file, and I'm going to do some deep dives on this, but there's some things that can't wait, and this thing is going around.
00:50:45.000 It's been sent to us 150 times, and it is a real exaggeration of what we've been complaining about.
00:50:53.000 If you were to have, let me just be very clear about this.
00:50:55.000 If you were to have a homosexual man, like one of the queer eyes from the straight guy, read to kids, alright, I don't really give a shit.
00:51:01.000 An effeminate man is reading to kids.
00:51:03.000 I don't know why you're doing that.
00:51:05.000 The conceit is that we have to show kids gays because gays are getting beat up by other kids in school and they're getting bullied and they feel vulnerable and I don't believe you.
00:51:15.000 I'm sure there was fag bashing 50 years ago.
00:51:18.000 It's not a thing.
00:51:19.000 It's crazy, man.
00:51:20.000 Listen, the way that they're putting sex in these schools, all over the place, in libraries, they're even teaching it in the classes.
00:51:27.000 Makes me sick, man.
00:51:28.000 If there were zombies outside and we were in a zombie apocalypse, would you bring in a flesh eating zombie into the class?
00:51:34.000 No, you wouldn't.
00:51:35.000 Okay.
00:51:36.000 So I'm sick of it, man.
00:51:38.000 Are you the lead guitarist of U2?
00:51:40.000 What's that?
00:51:41.000 Do you play guitar for U2?
00:51:43.000 U2 does not have a lead or rhythm guitarist.
00:51:46.000 One of the guitarists is The Edge.
00:51:49.000 Okay.
00:51:49.000 I'm Tim Poole.
00:51:50.000 Oh, Tim Poole, sorry.
00:51:51.000 Yes.
00:51:54.000 Yeah, so they're pretending we have a problem with that, where we're like, we don't want kids around kids, you're gonna fuck them.
00:52:00.000 No, we don't want you to be sexual around kids, and we would be just as mad if you had strippers around kids.
00:52:06.000 And I don't think strippers would be around kids.
00:52:08.000 I think if we went to a strip club in the Bronx and said hi, like Foxes for example, and we said, hey ladies, would you like to come to the library to read to kids?
00:52:17.000 I think if any of them agreed to it, they'd show up in like slacks.
00:52:21.000 And a blazer.
00:52:22.000 They would not come in wearing their drag queen-ness.
00:52:25.000 So, is it to groom kids?
00:52:29.000 Some of them are, some of them are pedophiles.
00:52:32.000 A disproportionate number.
00:52:34.000 Want me to come up with a number off my head?
00:52:36.000 I'd say 10% of these drag queens want to fuck the kids or molest them in some way.
00:52:42.000 90% just love the attention and they love that it pisses me off.
00:52:46.000 That's really the crux of the drag queen's motive.
00:52:49.000 The parents have a similar motive and their thing is like, Republicans hate this and we want to show our kids variety and we're not homophobic.
00:52:57.000 Hate has no home here.
00:52:58.000 It's like those restaurants that say, we welcome all kinds of people here.
00:53:03.000 People of color, immigrants, you know, the law.
00:53:07.000 Black people are allowed in our restaurant.
00:53:08.000 Like those fucking signs.
00:53:10.000 Hate has no home here.
00:53:11.000 We don't have Klan rallies in our house.
00:53:13.000 Makes you want to have a Klan rally in your house.
00:53:15.000 Anyway, this is the most recent take, and again, it's an exaggeration of everything we've been concerned about.
00:53:21.000 They're not just sexualizing 10-year-olds pre-pubescence.
00:53:25.000 These are fucking babies now?
00:53:28.000 What?
00:53:28.000 What parent?
00:53:30.000 I want to meet these parents.
00:53:32.000 We'll do it on Skype if you're scared of me hurting you.
00:53:36.000 Yes!
00:53:37.000 Good!
00:53:39.000 Good crotch shot with the babies all around you.
00:53:42.000 Spread your legs.
00:53:44.000 There we go.
00:53:45.000 Spread those legs.
00:53:48.000 What the fuck?
00:53:52.000 It's so devoid of talent too.
00:53:55.000 It's just shitty karaoke.
00:53:58.000 It's a minstrel show for women.
00:54:00.000 It's a woman face.
00:54:04.000 Spread your legs please.
00:54:10.000 Yes, shake your ass.
00:54:12.000 The origin of twerking is fucking from behind.
00:54:16.000 That's what it means.
00:54:19.000 It means let's fuck later on.
00:54:21.000 I'm good to fuck.
00:54:24.000 So any babies out there watching the show, or the people who watch the show are called Baby Monsters, if you're wondering what it's like to fuck, you can just ask your parents to take you to one of those.
00:54:33.000 Let's take a 90 degree turn here, because I'm getting depressed and mad at the same time, and check out an annoying commercial I saw about difficult last names.
00:55:01.000 The screen is green and we are... Look at that.
00:55:04.000 I'm not... I'm not... My head's cropped there.
00:55:08.000 We got, again, the wrong background.
00:55:10.000 Just start with the video that we're talking about.
00:55:12.000 Now, this is Hasan Minhaj, who is the opposite of a victim of affirmative... I mean, of prejudice.
00:55:21.000 He's a recipient of an affirmative action hire back when The Daily Show was looking for more color.
00:55:29.000 They said, who do you got?
00:55:30.000 You got any black dudes?
00:55:31.000 Just freeze that.
00:55:34.000 Yeah, we're using all the black dudes.
00:55:36.000 And then they said, okay.
00:55:37.000 Oh, you know what you really like?
00:55:38.000 A Muslim.
00:55:41.000 Paki would be ideal, but we'll take an Indian.
00:55:44.000 We need a brown guy that's not Hispanic or black.
00:55:47.000 And they go, there are none.
00:55:49.000 And then there was talk of some dork who does open mics named Hasan Minhaj.
00:55:55.000 And they go, how about him?
00:55:57.000 Well, he has zero, look, I was crouching down.
00:55:59.000 He has zero experience.
00:56:01.000 So?
00:56:03.000 How bad can he be?
00:56:04.000 And so they catapult him up to the Daily Show.
00:56:07.000 And he does, oh, you fucked up.
00:56:13.000 He does the same old shit that The Daily Show does, which is talking to Republicans, taking an hour and editing it down to nothing to make them look dumb.
00:56:22.000 I was on his show.
00:56:23.000 He did a thing about women's soccer not making enough money.
00:56:28.000 I said yeah it doesn't make enough money because people don't like it because it sucks and that of course was I guess sexist and at one point he goes name some female soccer players I don't know any female soccer players because I don't watch it because it sucks so that helps my point I just made up a bunch of names as a joke like Bottle Coke Lemur and he put those in and then even though I told him I was kidding he made it seem like I was like
00:56:54.000 Lying on purpose?
00:56:54.000 That's what they do.
00:56:55.000 And then they get away with it because they say it's comedy.
00:56:57.000 Anyway, sorry, long tangent to explain that Hasan Minhaj is an incompetent douche who's been...
00:57:04.000 He's red carpeted into his position because we live in a country that is obsessed with racism and guilt and we want to fix our invisible mistakes.
00:57:16.000 We have systemic racism in this country and we feel horrible about it.
00:57:19.000 We'll get to racism next after this.
00:57:21.000 So Hassan's got a career now because of his ethnicity and he uses that career to bitch about racism.
00:57:30.000 There he is, trying to edit me wrong.
00:57:34.000 This, you can find this online.
00:57:36.000 Oh, and another big thing that got him his career, by the way, was bitching about Ashton Kutcher in a Popchips ad.
00:57:42.000 That was him, right?
00:57:44.000 Yeah.
00:57:44.000 Yeah, that was his real claim to fame.
00:57:45.000 So he had the open mics in this commercial.
00:57:48.000 I'm not sure which came first.
00:57:49.000 And in it, he criticizes Ashton Kutcher for doing a Djibouti Dutti voice.
00:57:54.000 And he's like, we don't talk like that.
00:57:56.000 Yeah, you absolutely do.
00:58:00.000 That, okay, that one, yeah.
00:58:04.000 Number one, white dude in brown face.
00:58:08.000 Why?
00:58:08.000 So?
00:58:09.000 Because he's doing a character.
00:58:09.000 Number two.
00:58:10.000 Not even funny.
00:58:11.000 Even the Metro PCS guys are like... Holy shish kebab!
00:58:15.000 Just listen to his accent.
00:58:16.000 I like Snooki and JWoww.
00:58:19.000 Wow.
00:58:20.000 I want to taste the sweetness on my lips.
00:58:25.000 You talk like that.
00:58:27.000 No Indian people talk like that!
00:58:28.000 Yeah they do!
00:58:29.000 Don't you have ear holes?
00:58:31.000 We don't sound like that.
00:58:32.000 Well then it's a caricature then.
00:58:33.000 Let's say you're right.
00:58:35.000 Then it's a caricature.
00:58:36.000 Yeah have you ever heard a Scottish person on TV?
00:58:39.000 Like why do you get to be special?
00:58:41.000 Why can't we act like you?
00:58:43.000 Why can't everyone do everyone else?
00:58:45.000 It's the same with Chinese.
00:58:46.000 You're not allowed to do a Chinese imitation.
00:58:48.000 Or a Jamaican.
00:58:49.000 But you can do a Scot.
00:58:51.000 I don't quite understand it.
00:58:53.000 I guess you know why you can do a Scottish person and no one has a problem with it?
00:58:56.000 Because we can take it on the chin.
00:58:57.000 We're not pussies like you, Hassan.
00:58:59.000 Anyway!
00:59:00.000 So he's got a job, and like a lot of people of color in media, their entire existence is predicated on oppression.
00:59:07.000 So this commercial, which I've only seen the beginning of because when I started to watch this, I went, ooh, I got to save this for the show and have fresh eyes with the baby monsters.
00:59:15.000 So in this commercial, him and a man with a last name that is literally impossible to say, are complaining about people getting their last names wrong.
00:59:25.000 This man, Ujumbadudukadugu, Hey, it's Entetokunpo.
00:59:31.000 Entetokunpo?
00:59:32.000 I actually don't know, I'm not confident.
00:59:34.000 Yeah, like, Zoomers can say it, but no one over the age of 14 can say this guy's fucking name.
00:59:41.000 You have to be a basketball maniac to know his name.
00:59:44.000 And Hasan Minhaj, just think of Nicki Minaj, it's not that hard.
00:59:49.000 And by the way, why did your parents name you such a stupid name?
00:59:52.000 Like, if I emigrate to Japan, I'm not gonna name my kid Mike.
00:59:57.000 He's gonna be Horuku McInnes.
01:00:00.000 Like, assimilate.
01:00:02.000 You already have a weird last name.
01:00:04.000 Don't name your kid Hassan.
01:00:05.000 Okay?
01:00:11.000 Pro basketball player.
01:00:12.000 Establish him.
01:00:17.000 Sorry.
01:00:17.000 Stop.
01:00:18.000 Muslims are 1% of the American population.
01:00:22.000 I apologize if a woman at a minimum wage job isn't familiar with the particular spelling of a Muslim name that represents 1% of the population.
01:00:31.000 My name is Gavin McInnes.
01:00:33.000 I'm Scots.
01:00:33.000 We built this country.
01:00:35.000 It wasn't slaves.
01:00:37.000 The people who actually lifted the stones were Scots-Irish.
01:00:40.000 So, we're the guys behind the building you're in, and you should know how to say our names.
01:00:45.000 But, they don't know how to say my name, because most of the people on the phone are Puerto Ricans, and they say Cabby Einz.
01:00:50.000 You know how much I complain about it?
01:00:51.000 Zero o'clock.
01:00:52.000 And you know how many people want to give me a commercial, where I can bitch about people not getting how to pronounce McInnes?
01:00:59.000 There's no market for it, folks, because white people can't complain, but these assholes can complain.
01:01:04.000 You want to know how my name was spelt at Starbucks by a black woman once?
01:01:07.000 What?
01:01:08.000 How?
01:01:10.000 Ryan.
01:01:12.000 I kind of get her point.
01:01:13.000 Ryan.
01:01:13.000 It makes more sense than the way it's spelt.
01:01:16.000 It's Ryan.
01:01:17.000 Yeah, that makes sense.
01:01:19.000 Ryan.
01:01:21.000 Ryan.
01:01:22.000 It's perfect.
01:01:23.000 It makes more sense than Ryan.
01:01:25.000 Ryan.
01:01:26.000 Actually, yeah, I prefer her spelling.
01:01:28.000 Ryan.
01:01:29.000 Thanks, black lady at Starbucks.
01:01:31.000 Ryan.
01:01:32.000 Ryan.
01:01:33.000 Yes.
01:01:38.000 2023 and they still don't know how to spell what 1% of the population knows.
01:01:45.000 Okay, so you're missing some text here.
01:01:46.000 Let me scoot it.
01:01:48.000 Yeah.
01:01:54.000 So wait a minute.
01:01:55.000 Stop.
01:01:55.000 The struggle is real.
01:01:56.000 So is he admitting that this whole commercial is gay and boring by being sarcastic?
01:02:01.000 Let's set the record straight for everyone like us.
01:02:04.000 No one is like you, dude!
01:02:06.000 Antimankapakapake?
01:02:16.000 Boom!
01:02:17.000 Me and you, horse right now.
01:02:19.000 Except it won't be horse, it'll be your last name.
01:02:22.000 On to Tecumbo.
01:02:24.000 Let's do it the Nigerian way.
01:02:26.000 Adetokumbo.
01:02:27.000 And then I kill you when we're done.
01:02:29.000 So even in this commercial where this guy is kissing this guy's ass, he can't even get the name right.
01:02:36.000 This guy can't even get his own name right.
01:02:39.000 So I guess he's a Nigerian who immigrated to Greece and the Greeks changed the spelling for whatever reason?
01:02:44.000 So he's like, no, no, I don't even like the Greek spelling on my driver's license.
01:02:49.000 I want to do the Nigerian one.
01:02:50.000 He's like, yeah, cool.
01:02:52.000 Like, that just killed the whole concept here.
01:02:54.000 We have simple names.
01:02:55.000 Why can't you understand them?
01:02:56.000 Okay, I'm going to say it right.
01:02:57.000 And this guy says it right, Antetokounmpo.
01:03:00.000 And he goes, no, that's, that's the Greek dude Nigerian now.
01:03:04.000 Oh, for fuck sakes.
01:03:05.000 I like Ellis Island where they just said Antetokounmpo.
01:03:09.000 No, you're Ant.
01:03:19.000 Wait, are you doing the Nigerian or the Greek?
01:03:21.000 I think he fucked up.
01:03:40.000 Oh yeah, wait, wait, because, okay, in the title of the video it's Etentic Kunpo with a O-U-N, Greek, and he has it there with just a U. So I think that is the Nigerian one.
01:03:53.000 So then why am I supposed to learn your Nigerian and your Greek name?
01:03:57.000 Holy shit.
01:03:57.000 Yeah, look at that.
01:03:59.000 Do I got to take a night course to talk to you?
01:04:03.000 Adetokunbo.
01:04:05.000 Adetokunbo.
01:04:06.000 Adetokunbo.
01:04:08.000 Adetokunbo.
01:04:10.000 So you have to know both spellings.
01:04:11.000 Wait, wait, zoom in.
01:04:12.000 Does he change it even in the title?
01:04:13.000 Yes.
01:04:14.000 Yeah.
01:04:14.000 There's two of them.
01:04:16.000 The Game of Adetokunpo, starring Giannis Antetokunpo.
01:04:23.000 Look at this shit!
01:04:24.000 Fuckface.
01:04:24.000 Our last names are easy to understand.
01:04:28.000 Unless, of course, you're writing the title to this YouTube video, in which case it's kind of tricky.
01:04:34.000 Holy shit.
01:04:34.000 See, this is the problem with complainer culture.
01:04:37.000 They're so shitty at their jobs.
01:04:39.000 They're not sending their best.
01:04:41.000 Adedekunpo loses.
01:04:43.000 And remember, no dunking.
01:04:46.000 Why are we going with your Nigerian name?
01:04:48.000 It means everything to me.
01:04:50.000 I grew up in Greece, and my parents are Nigerian, and that's who I am.
01:04:53.000 I gotta represent it.
01:04:55.000 Let's go!
01:04:56.000 You grew up in Greece?
01:04:57.000 Why aren't you representing Greece?
01:04:59.000 Aded means king.
01:05:00.000 King Adedekunpo.
01:05:01.000 The crown has returned from overseas.
01:05:04.000 We is Kangs.
01:05:05.000 I have friends that change their names.
01:05:07.000 They have, you know, ethnic names.
01:05:10.000 Let's go!
01:05:10.000 And I went through that in comedy.
01:05:11.000 At any point did you feel like, yo, I should change my name?
01:05:14.000 What would you change Hasan to?
01:05:16.000 Harry?
01:05:17.000 Harry Minhaj.
01:05:18.000 I don't believe you that you ever consider changing your names.
01:05:20.000 And yeah, if you have a really complicated name like Mellencamp, you should abbreviate it to Cougar.
01:05:26.000 I like how he's trying to do regular Ebonics with him.
01:05:29.000 He's like, you ever think to yourself, yo!
01:05:32.000 No, I'm a Nigerian.
01:05:34.000 He's not Nigerian.
01:05:35.000 He's Greek.
01:05:36.000 Oh.
01:05:36.000 He grew up in Greece.
01:05:37.000 He's doing a shout out to his original, like his dad's culture.
01:05:41.000 Well, he doesn't say yo.
01:05:41.000 But yeah, Greeks don't say yo.
01:05:43.000 They say, ow, my asshole hurts.
01:05:45.000 Please take that out.
01:05:46.000 At any point, did you feel like, yo, I should change my name?
01:05:49.000 I will never change my name.
01:05:51.000 I'm going to be myself.
01:05:54.000 Cool.
01:05:56.000 What is the point of this commercial?
01:05:56.000 That's what's up.
01:05:58.000 Okay, it's your shot, man.
01:05:59.000 Come on.
01:06:00.000 What's it a commercial for?
01:06:02.000 WhatsApp.
01:06:04.000 It's a commercial for WhatsApp?
01:06:05.000 Yeah.
01:06:06.000 Oh.
01:06:10.000 No matter where I am in the world, I can talk to my family on WhatsApp.
01:06:13.000 And I can just celebrate every part of who I am.
01:06:16.000 All my names, all my identities.
01:06:18.000 Who are you trying to be, little man?
01:06:19.000 All my names?
01:06:20.000 How many names do you have?
01:06:21.000 Sup Raju?
01:06:23.000 I can celebrate who I am, all my identities?
01:06:25.000 Hey Beta!
01:06:27.000 What are you talking about?
01:06:28.000 They literally call him Beta.
01:06:29.000 Sup Raju?
01:06:30.000 Hey Beta?
01:06:31.000 We don't talk like that, motherfucker!
01:06:34.000 You know, you hear about the Greek guy who went into his proctologist and he said, uh, yeah, my ass hurts.
01:06:41.000 It's, it's been bleeding.
01:06:43.000 And he says, well, where does it hurt?
01:06:45.000 And he goes right in the entrance.
01:06:46.000 Do you have any, any advice?
01:06:48.000 And he goes, yeah.
01:06:49.000 Um, as long as you keep calling that your entrance, you're going to be having some serious problems.
01:06:57.000 What's your name on WhatsApp?
01:06:59.000 My name is Raju.
01:07:00.000 It means like king, prince.
01:07:01.000 It makes my sister mad.
01:07:02.000 King.
01:07:03.000 I'm a king.
01:07:04.000 It's a unique bird.
01:07:07.000 Ever notice the biggest losers keep calling themselves king?
01:07:10.000 You don't have a lot of like successful white CEOs go, yo, I'm a CEO of Goldman Sachs.
01:07:15.000 I'm a king.
01:07:17.000 It's the bird.
01:07:17.000 Number one.
01:07:18.000 It's like, it's like in New York, all the poorest people have the word cash tattooed on them or dollar signs on their fucking hands tattooed.
01:07:26.000 Gotta see it to be it!
01:07:28.000 The bird which is the bald eagle makes an appearance.
01:07:30.000 Oh, yeah.
01:07:32.000 Monk a lie?
01:07:33.000 Jumper's looking a little dry.
01:07:35.000 What does dry mean?
01:07:38.000 I'm in his head!
01:07:40.000 I'm proud of my names.
01:07:41.000 What gives you pride?
01:07:42.000 Immigrants, when you're growing up, you feel like, oh, this is a weakness.
01:07:46.000 It's my greatest strength.
01:07:48.000 Yeah, it is, actually.
01:07:49.000 You're right.
01:07:49.000 It got you a career.
01:07:52.000 I used to hate being brown because I didn't look normal, and then it became cool to not be normal, and now I'm rich.
01:07:57.000 I'm American.
01:07:58.000 I'm Desi.
01:07:59.000 I'm Indian.
01:08:00.000 This is my house!
01:08:06.000 Immigrants are beautiful.
01:08:08.000 We're tough.
01:08:09.000 We're smart.
01:08:10.000 Our language is exquisite.
01:08:12.000 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
01:08:17.000 Immigrants are smart and tough.
01:08:18.000 Our language is exquisite.
01:08:20.000 Immigrants have one language?
01:08:22.000 What language is this?
01:08:24.000 Our language?
01:08:25.000 What do you speak?
01:08:26.000 I speak fluent immigrant.
01:08:28.000 Oh, okay.
01:08:29.000 You speak Farsi and Urdu and fucking Slovak.
01:08:34.000 Our language is beautiful.
01:08:36.000 Are you talking about Pakistanis?
01:08:38.000 Are you talking about Urdu?
01:08:39.000 What about British immigrants?
01:08:41.000 Yeah, is their language beautiful?
01:08:43.000 What a dumb, dumb person.
01:08:46.000 Collectivism, because there's no one like us.
01:08:49.000 There's no one like us immigrants?
01:08:53.000 Immigrants rock, especially our language.
01:08:57.000 Do you like immigrant language?
01:08:59.000 Me too, it rocks.
01:09:01.000 I'm proud of that, and I hope my kids can be the same.
01:09:05.000 Oh my God!
01:09:06.000 Proud of it.
01:09:07.000 What are you going to be ashamed of being a Nigerian Greek whose dad is in the NBA?
01:09:13.000 Will your kids be proud to be American because they'll live in America?
01:09:16.000 Yeah.
01:09:16.000 And I hope my kids can be the same.
01:09:19.000 Oh my God!
01:09:22.000 What letter are you on?
01:09:23.000 I don't know.
01:09:24.000 His stupid name's not going to fit on the fucking board.
01:09:28.000 Have you seen this dude's jersey?
01:09:29.000 It starts like on his ass and goes all the way up his back like a giant horseshoe.
01:09:36.000 No zombies.
01:09:45.000 Damn it!
01:09:47.000 I'm proud that I'm here having this conversation with you.
01:09:50.000 I celebrate all my names, all my identities, all my cultures.
01:09:53.000 You said that already.
01:09:54.000 All our cultures.
01:09:55.000 All the same way, because there's no one like us.
01:09:57.000 All right, bro, we're done.
01:09:58.000 Yeah.
01:09:58.000 That is the most low IQ fucking commercial I've ever seen.
01:10:02.000 We celebrate all our identities
01:10:05.000 So he's talking about all identities in the world, basically, right?
01:10:09.000 Immigrants come from everywhere.
01:10:11.000 So he's saying there's nothing more unique than everyone in the world.
01:10:16.000 What a fucking idiot.
01:10:34.000 I gotta be honest.
01:10:38.000 There's one thing that I really like in the world.
01:10:40.000 One type of person.
01:10:42.000 Guess what type of person it is.
01:10:46.000 Biden?
01:10:47.000 No.
01:10:48.000 Who?
01:10:49.000 Immigrants.
01:10:50.000 Yes, that is true.
01:10:51.000 The thing I like about immigrants is I love their language.
01:10:55.000 Because it's so unique.
01:10:57.000 Right.
01:10:59.000 Sound good?
01:11:01.000 We're running out of time here.
01:11:04.000 I think we could squeeze out a Pat Biden, briefly, shall we?
01:11:08.000 Let's squeeze him out.
01:11:09.000 Let's squeeze him out.
01:11:12.000 Biden!
01:11:15.000 Biden!
01:11:17.000 President!
01:11:20.000 Sleepy!
01:11:21.000 Biden!
01:11:21.000 Wait, that doesn't rhyme.
01:11:29.000 I would be remiss if I did not mention that Biden was busting a gut about our dead children.
01:11:36.000 How many people die a day from opioids? 200.
01:11:41.000 I think we all know someone who lost a son or a daughter to this Chinese invasion.
01:11:46.000 It's an act of war.
01:11:47.000 China has attacked us.
01:11:49.000 We are at war.
01:11:51.000 The balloons, I think that these explosions all over the country are linked to China.
01:11:56.000 I think this rampant incompetence in aviation with all these diversity hires is a globalist plan to make flying less safe.
01:12:04.000 Yep.
01:12:05.000 You heard it here first, folks.
01:12:07.000 So, declaring war is hard, because then we get out the fighter jets and we start bombing people.
01:12:13.000 But just to slowly boil us frogs in water until it's too late, that's a much better way to invade a country.
01:12:19.000 And I think that's what China's doing.
01:12:21.000 And they started with fentanyl.
01:12:23.000 It's fucking horrific.
01:12:26.000 Joe's comments on fentanyl have been to do nothing but trivialize it.
01:12:30.000 At one point he said,
01:12:32.000 We got 200,000 pounds of fentanyl confiscated?
01:12:36.000 That's enough to kill something like 20 people?
01:12:40.000 Whatever the math was, the implication was it would take 2,000 pounds of fentanyl to kill a man.
01:12:47.000 It's hard to imagine being more far off than that, Joe.
01:12:50.000 But anyway, Marjorie Taylor Greene is blaming Joe for all this fentanyl, and Joe says it was Trump's fault, because everything is Trump's fault to him.
01:12:59.000 And then he laughs.
01:13:01.000 Wait, stop.
01:13:08.000 Stop.
01:13:09.000 As you know, I like to brag and say I speak perfect Joe Biden.
01:13:13.000 I think I may be stumped here.
01:13:14.000 A few more and you're going to have a lottery headed your way?
01:13:19.000 A little bit of more Marjorie Taylor Greene.
01:13:21.000 A little bit of more Marjorie Taylor Greene.
01:13:23.000 Got that.
01:13:24.000 A few more, you're gonna have a lot of Republicans.
01:13:26.000 A few more, you're gonna have a lot of Republicans.
01:13:27.000 Republicans running our way.
01:13:28.000 Running our way.
01:13:29.000 Oh, nice, Ryan!
01:13:30.000 Thank you.
01:13:31.000 Good work, wow!
01:13:32.000 Thank you.
01:13:33.000 You know what, that's, when I say that immigrants have the best language, I forgot Joe Biden's language.
01:13:40.000 That's my favorite language, right there.
01:13:42.000 The immigrant language is my second favorite.
01:13:49.000 Isn't she amazing?
01:13:54.000 Ours is the reason she was very specific.
01:14:02.000 I shouldn't digress, probably.
01:14:04.000 Wait, go back.
01:14:06.000 I gotta rest.
01:14:06.000 She was very specific.
01:14:08.000 I should rest, probably.
01:14:10.000 What?
01:14:11.000 You should digress, probably.
01:14:15.000 She was very specific recently saying that a mom, a poor mother who lost two kids to fentanyl... Wait, go back.
01:14:21.000 Sorry.
01:14:21.000 You didn't go back far enough.
01:14:23.000 She was very specific.
01:14:25.000 I shouldn't digress probably.
01:14:29.000 She was very specific recently saying that... So he's saying I shouldn't digress probably.
01:14:34.000 Yeah.
01:14:35.000 But the way he put it was not like that.
01:14:38.000 Poor mother who lost two kids to fentanyl.
01:14:41.000 That I killed her sons.
01:14:42.000 Wow.
01:14:58.000 That fentanyl they took came during the last administration.
01:15:03.000 Look, folks.
01:15:06.000 Anyway, I don't want to get started.
01:15:08.000 Um, too late?
01:15:09.000 That was exactly like Michael Richards after he yelled the N-word.
01:15:13.000 Remember that?
01:15:14.000 Yeah, yeah.
01:15:15.000 See?
01:15:16.000 Look.
01:15:16.000 Look, folks.
01:15:17.000 Words have consequences.
01:15:20.000 I mean, you see?
01:15:21.000 Words!
01:15:23.000 It's about words!
01:15:25.000 Look folks, I probably shouldn't be laughing about dead kids.
01:15:28.000 Alright, let's look at some AI of him just to cleanse the palate.
01:15:34.000 And pretend that he's actually interesting and not retarded.
01:15:38.000 People want to make it about this and that.
01:15:41.000 Look, we're in Ukraine.
01:15:43.000 People want to make it about this and that.
01:15:46.000 Look, Zelensky's a good guy.
01:15:48.000 He's got his own Netflix show.
01:15:51.000 Barack's got a Netflix show.
01:15:53.000 I don't have a Netflix show.
01:15:54.000 You know what I'm saying?
01:15:57.000 But the Republicans, they just...
01:16:01.000 I don't know.
01:16:01.000 They think I'm trying to, you know, destroy America.
01:16:05.000 They don't fight.
01:16:06.000 Yeah.
01:16:07.000 What do you want?
01:16:07.000 Come on, man.
01:16:08.000 You know?
01:16:08.000 Like, it's, you know, it's just the way the world works now, you know?
01:16:14.000 Like, it's, uh, what do you want for, you know?
01:16:17.000 I don't hate you anymore, Joe.
01:16:19.000 Thanks, computers.
01:16:20.000 Or what's the 412 one?
01:16:23.000 Again, to be clear, that was not Joe.
01:16:24.000 That was a computer making Joe likable, and it worked.
01:16:28.000 The truth is we don't know which way this is up anymore, you know, and I resent that people think I don't know if I'm going or coming, you know.
01:16:38.000 I know when I'm coming, thank you very much.
01:16:42.000 I resent all the conservative, radical, right-wing media painting me as some kind of
01:16:53.000 I'm just ushering in the new world government, man.
01:16:57.000 I mean, come on, man.
01:16:59.000 Everybody's doing it, you know.
01:17:00.000 Trudeau's doing it.
01:17:02.000 Justin was like, hey.
01:17:04.000 Join the club, man.
01:17:05.000 This Klaus Schwab guy seems pretty fucking cool.
01:17:08.000 All right.
01:17:10.000 I'm going to work with him a little bit.
01:17:12.000 OK, I get your angle.
01:17:13.000 I forgive you.
01:17:14.000 Here he is talking about the movie We Bought a Zoo.
01:17:19.000 This stuff's coming to a close, isn't it?
01:17:21.000 I feel like this is the last day we're gonna be showing AI.
01:17:23.000 I'm enjoying this, don't get me wrong.
01:17:25.000 But... I think it was you who pointed out that... Yeah, it's already like... It's losing its luster already.
01:17:31.000 It's too accessible.
01:17:32.000 It's like when you overuse the word... nigg.
01:17:35.000 It loses the power in fun.
01:17:37.000 It's sort of like when blowjobs first came out.
01:17:40.000 Like, you're super excited the first week and then you're like, these are gay.
01:17:44.000 Good evening, my fellow Americans.
01:17:47.000 I've made a huge mistake.
01:17:48.000 Are you familiar with the 2011 film We Bought a Zoo?
01:17:51.000 The Matt Damon picture?
01:17:53.000 ScarJo is in it as well.
01:17:55.000 Although her performance isn't anything to shake a stick at, if I'm being honest.
01:17:58.000 It was directed by Cameron Crowe, the fellow who made Jerry Maguire.
01:18:02.000 Show me the money!
01:18:04.000 Anyway, so I was watching We Bought a Zoo a few days ago because it came up on my Disney Plus after I finished an episode of that Baby Yoda show.
01:18:12.000 And I thought, wow!
01:18:13.000 I still can't believe they bought that freakin' zoo.
01:18:16.000 So I looked it up and they really did do it.
01:18:18.000 They really bought a zoo in real life.
01:18:21.000 I thought it was just the Matt Damon movie, but it turns out it's based on a book by a gentleman who really did buy a zoo.
01:18:26.000 In England, though.
01:18:27.000 Not in California, like the movie.
01:18:29.000 But anyway, this is where the trouble started.
01:18:32.000 Because if someone could really buy a zoo in real life, not just in a movie, then hell, why shouldn't I buy a zoo?
01:18:39.000 I bought a zoo.
01:18:39.000 So I did.
01:18:41.000 And my fellow Americans, I want to kill myself.
01:18:44.000 Owning a zoo sucks.
01:18:44.000 Called America.
01:18:46.000 This shit is so hard.
01:18:47.000 It looked much easier in the movie.
01:18:49.000 In the film, Matt Damon and ScarJo have a great time as they get to know each other.
01:18:53.000 Oh, wait a minute.
01:18:54.000 Ah.
01:19:16.000 Wait a minute, that just reminded me of something.
01:19:17.000 You gotta go to the very last link here, speaking of getting attacked.
01:19:21.000 In the master or the email?
01:19:24.000 So this asshole, his job is to clean the cafeteria and shit, the stands, the hot dog stands.
01:19:24.000 In the notes.
01:19:32.000 He's not supposed to be with the Tigers.
01:19:34.000 And there are guys ready with tranquilizer darts, but
01:19:39.000 They're there in the day, not when the zoos close.
01:19:41.000 So this moron goes from sweeping up cigarette butts to Timothy Treadwell.
01:19:46.000 I'm gonna go talk to the lions.
01:19:48.000 I'm gonna talk to the tigers.
01:19:50.000 Hello, tiger.
01:19:51.000 Let's form a bond.
01:19:53.000 And the tiger walks over to him.
01:19:55.000 Matthew McConaughey brags about this.
01:19:57.000 He says he was on acid and he got in a cage with a tiger and they became friends.
01:20:01.000 Probably bullshit.
01:20:02.000 But if it isn't, then it's a very lucky coincidence.
01:20:05.000 The odds of this predator
01:20:08.000 This brutal, alpha killer carnivore.
01:20:11.000 This apex, what do they call him?
01:20:13.000 Apex Predator?
01:20:14.000 Yep.
01:20:15.000 Being your friend or pretty low.
01:20:17.000 So, he thinks he's living in a fucking Tony the Tiger cartoon.
01:20:20.000 He goes over there, hello friend, here's my hand.
01:20:23.000 And the tiger's like, ooh, a late night snack.
01:20:32.000 Oh my god.
01:20:33.000 Is that real?
01:20:34.000 Sorry.
01:20:38.000 I assume your hand is gone.
01:20:45.000 No, I don't carry tranquilizers.
01:20:49.000 I'm a cop.
01:21:05.000 Or just shoot fucking a bullet so that it gets scared or something.
01:21:16.000 Well, that's what everyone says, but that's not how cops operate.
01:21:19.000 I'm sick of warning shots.
01:21:21.000 If I pull out my gun, I'm going for the kill.
01:21:23.000 But it's an animal.
01:21:24.000 Like, it might get scared.
01:21:36.000 What a dummy.
01:21:39.000 And he got a tiger shot.
01:21:41.000 Sometimes I think dummies are just where they are because they're dummies.
01:21:44.000 I mean, we're taught it's a lack of opportunity.
01:21:48.000 And then this guy gets an opportunity to be near a tiger and what does he do?
01:21:52.000 Give it himself.
01:21:55.000 Offer himself up as a snack.
01:21:59.000 Am I mean for having zero feelings for this fucking loser?
01:22:03.000 No, he's an idiot.
01:22:04.000 And he got a fucking beautiful animal shot.
01:22:06.000 Yeah.
01:22:08.000 Darwin Awards.
01:22:09.000 Anyway, let's get back to, uh... Tiger King would never approve of that.
01:22:13.000 I would never financially recover from this.
01:22:15.000 I'm never gonna financially recover from this.
01:22:18.000 Cannot do Tiger King.
01:22:20.000 Carole Baskin.
01:22:21.000 Carole Baskins is not my president.
01:22:22.000 Carole Baskin is not my president.
01:22:25.000 Fucking Carole Baskin, bitch.
01:22:27.000 Fucking Carole Baskins.
01:22:29.000 I haven't listened to him in a long time.
01:22:31.000 I hope that's it.
01:22:32.000 If he was ever going to get out of jail it was because of Netflix.
01:22:35.000 We're living in an idiocracy.
01:22:37.000 And the reason Alex Murdoch was charged, a big part of it was because
01:22:41.000 He appeared guilty.
01:22:42.000 I know he was guilty.
01:22:43.000 I kept saying this to Brods.
01:22:44.000 Yes, I know he's guilty too.
01:22:46.000 But what is the evidence?
01:22:48.000 And all I can see is that raincoat.
01:22:49.000 He's getting sentenced any second now, by the way.
01:22:52.000 Oh.
01:22:53.000 Oh?
01:22:55.000 Dude, before the weekend goes by, I have to alert you of this person's presence.
01:23:01.000 Alert you of this person's presence?
01:23:04.000 Yes?
01:23:05.000 Alert you to?
01:23:06.000 Alert you to.
01:23:08.000 Her name is Sarah Castille something, I don't fuck, I'll tell you afterwards.
01:23:13.000 Have you seen this chick?
01:23:15.000 I don't know why I keep saying chick.
01:23:17.000 It's a guy.
01:23:18.000 It's a guy from America, I believe, who went to Ukraine to help out or whatever.
01:23:29.000 So he gets his hand all fucked up in this video.
01:23:33.000 And it's the way he says Slava Ukraini at the end of the video like he's a Ukrainian it sounds like a Borat joke and it has the vibe of like when you let your friend's little brother hang out with you and he gets hurt and he you think you're all gonna get in trouble but he's like I won't tell it's cool and you're like fuck we almost just got a lot of trouble.
01:23:55.000 So you're about to show me fake Ukraine war footage is that it?
01:23:59.000 Uh, I'm not gonna say it's fake.
01:24:02.000 I think there's a lot of sketchy things about it that are fake.
01:24:04.000 But this looks like she really got her hand blown off.
01:24:06.000 She proves it later on.
01:24:07.000 But I don't know how.
01:24:08.000 Are you okay?
01:24:09.000 Yeah, I'm fine, sir.
01:24:11.000 You know what?
01:24:11.000 They can't kill us.
01:24:12.000 They can't hurt us.
01:24:14.000 Victory is ours.
01:24:15.000 It doesn't fucking matter.
01:24:16.000 Because we're Ukraine.
01:24:16.000 Why?
01:24:18.000 And ultimately, Putin is going to be the one dead.
01:24:21.000 Progrosin is going to be the one dead.
01:24:24.000 And this is a small price for liberation and for freedom.
01:24:27.000 Slava Ukraini!
01:24:29.000 Heroin Slava!
01:24:32.000 The guy in the background laughs, she goes, Slava Ukraini!
01:24:34.000 And then there's a guy like, haha, yeah, Slava Ukraini.
01:24:37.000 So there's some tranny who's there to fight for Ukraine?
01:24:40.000 And she's been, the reason why it's so urgent because she's been just updating, I don't know why I keep saying she.
01:24:46.000 He's a successful fag.
01:24:47.000 Like he's, he is this woman all the time with his wig.
01:24:51.000 And her updates are fantastic.
01:24:51.000 Okay.
01:24:53.000 You gotta keep up with it.
01:24:54.000 The fact that she's like not, everybody isn't making fun of her is really wild.
01:24:58.000 So whose side are you on?
01:25:00.000 Not hers.
01:25:01.000 Not his.
01:25:03.000 That was a boring segue, Ryan.
01:25:03.000 Or Ukraine's.
01:25:05.000 No, keep up with him.
01:25:08.000 Let's get back to two more AIs before we abandon my pet Biden and get to the mailbag.
01:25:14.000 Here he is at a hardcore show.
01:25:15.000 2-0.
01:25:22.000 Oh cool man, it's gonna be ten bucks for her though.
01:25:26.000 What the fuck?
01:25:27.000 Nah man, she's my plus one.
01:25:28.000 We don't do plus ones here bro.
01:25:30.000 But I'm with the touring bands though.
01:25:32.000 No Jack, you're the merch guy who showed up just before the closing band started playing and she's just a girl you met on Tinder like five hours ago.
01:25:39.000 Whatever, this is fucking stupid.
01:25:41.000 Nice turnstile shirt by the way.
01:25:43.000 What's wrong with Turnstile?
01:25:44.000 They're sellouts.
01:25:45.000 Yeah, what band didn't sell out?
01:25:47.000 SSD Control.
01:25:49.000 The kids will have their say is an all-timer.
01:25:51.000 The album artwork slaps too.
01:25:53.000 Oh, you're one of them, huh?
01:25:55.000 One of what?
01:25:56.000 Dudes who pretend they've been listening to 80s hardcore from the moment they were born.
01:26:00.000 Nah, dude, I just hate sellouts.
01:26:02.000 It just turns out that bands from the 80s were authentic.
01:26:04.000 You're full of shit!
01:26:06.000 I can literally pull up your Facebook and see your profile pics from, like, 2011.
01:26:09.000 You know what?
01:26:11.000 Fuck you.
01:26:13.000 Hey, what the fuck?
01:26:15.000 Respect the fucking space.
01:26:19.000 Respect the fucking space.
01:26:20.000 And one more, and then we gotta hit the letters.
01:26:24.000 And we're not doing this again.
01:26:26.000 Again, big fan, but this has run its course.
01:26:29.000 It was fun while it lasted, though.
01:26:31.000 In a way, this is our goodbye to Biden and Trump AIs.
01:26:35.000 You don't have to AI Trump.
01:26:36.000 Everything he says is gold.
01:26:38.000 Having promiscuous sex is against the core tenets of being straight edge.
01:26:42.000 Joe, you know this, and it's sad that you are selling out like this.
01:26:45.000 No.
01:26:46.000 No, you're wrong on this, Donald.
01:26:47.000 You can't claim edge if you're not a vegan.
01:26:49.000 That's the truth, Jack.
01:26:51.000 If you eat meat, you're eating all the drugs and chemicals that they pump those poor innocent animals with.
01:26:56.000 So you think fucking a bunch of sluts doesn't go against the core ethics of being straight-edge?
01:27:00.000 You're an idiot, Joe!
01:27:01.000 Oh, so now we're slut-shaming.
01:27:02.000 I outlined why veganism is a core component of being straight-edge on my blog at joexvx.tumblr.com.
01:27:09.000 I bet you had caffeine this morning, Joe.
01:27:10.000 My friend said that was a drug.
01:27:12.000 Tell your friend I said fuck you, Jack.
01:27:14.000 You're giving me a headache, Joe.
01:27:16.000 And are you gonna take ibuprofen for that?
01:27:18.000 Uh, probably it's not a recreational drug, so... It's still a drug, fucking edgebreaker!
01:27:23.000 Yeah, Joe, which Minor Threat song says to not take ibuprofen?
01:27:26.000 They didn't need to, it's a drug.
01:27:27.000 Plain and simple, Jack.
01:27:28.000 Yeah, okay, dude.
01:27:30.000 I'm gonna get so fucked up on ibuprofen and drive home.
01:27:33.000 Whatever you say, dude.
01:27:34.000 Damn, good arguments.
01:27:37.000 Great arguments, that was a fun discussion.
01:27:39.000 Good writing.
01:27:40.000 The secret to good jokes is good writing.
01:27:41.000 Alright, let's hit the letters page, folks.
01:27:45.000 Time to read some lets.
01:27:46.000 Let me touch it.
01:28:01.000 What's up, Gav?
01:28:02.000 I've heard you talk about Ashton Burdie in the past.
01:28:03.000 Did you know she's now an OnlyFans whore?
01:28:05.000 Oh, man.
01:28:07.000 Are you sure?
01:28:07.000 I logged into my Instagram and she had an update pushing her new account where she pimps her OnlyFans page.
01:28:14.000 Very sad.
01:28:14.000 I thought she trolls people.
01:28:17.000 Okay, that's good.
01:28:17.000 And like she's dressed as a nun.
01:28:19.000 But I don't know, that was like a year ago.
01:28:21.000 She totally stabbed me in the back during the FBI thing.
01:28:24.000 And I went through our texts and it's just me trying to get her places to stay all over America because she's traveling and she feels safe around Proud Boys and I'm like, I think I can get you a couch in Sacramento.
01:28:38.000 Yeah, I was always there for her when her parents kicked her out of the house.
01:28:42.000 And then she fucking stabbed me in the back.
01:28:47.000 What's the lesson there?
01:28:48.000 Can't trust broads?
01:28:48.000 I don't know.
01:28:49.000 I do believe that this sort of world we're in right now, and I want to call it the not-lefts, like being on the, well, I guess what the mainstream sees as the alt-right or the dissident right, which I don't think it is.
01:29:01.000 I think it's just normal.
01:29:03.000 It's just not radical left.
01:29:05.000 But the way they operate is you're 100% with us or 100% against us, as Jim Norton pointed out.
01:29:12.000 And to be here, you're cancelled, they attack your family.
01:29:15.000 You gotta have pretty thick skin.
01:29:17.000 And my experience has been very few women can handle it.
01:29:20.000 Michelle Malkin can handle it.
01:29:22.000 Dana Lash can handle it.
01:29:23.000 There's been moments where she's had round-the-clock security.
01:29:26.000 Dana Lash has to talk to her kids' school about an escape route.
01:29:30.000 They've had to move out in the middle of the night.
01:29:32.000 Cassandra Fairbanks had to move out in the middle of the night after Antifa blew up her house with fucking fireworks.
01:29:38.000 Her daughter still gets PTSD on the 4th of July.
01:29:40.000 Damn.
01:29:42.000 Cassandra can handle it, Ann Coulter can handle it.
01:29:46.000 Ashton Burdy, not so much.
01:29:48.000 Lauren Southern, not so much.
01:29:51.000 Laura Loomer can, but she's had some rough times, man.
01:29:56.000 Rough moments.
01:29:58.000 But yeah, look up, see if she has an OnlyFans.
01:30:00.000 When I see girls on OnlyFans, it's sort of like when I see a guy who looks like a complete queer on the street and I honestly walk by him and my fingers are crossed and I go, please be a fag, please be a fag, please be a fag.
01:30:13.000 Because I obviously don't care if a gay guy is dressed like a homo.
01:30:16.000 But when it's a... When it's a dude... Oh no.
01:30:23.000 When it's a dude who's straight and he's dressed like a homo, it bums me out.
01:30:27.000 And similarly, I feel the same way when I look up a girl and she's like got her head on straight and she's sort of conservative.
01:30:32.000 I go, please don't have an OnlyFans, please don't have an OnlyFans, please don't have an OnlyFans.
01:30:36.000 And you click on it and there it is.
01:30:38.000 Like that comedian I just looked up.
01:30:41.000 She's named, she looks kind of Asian.
01:30:44.000 I think she's Irish.
01:30:45.000 Her name's like Kaylee Freely or something.
01:30:48.000 Do you know who I'm talking about?
01:30:50.000 Karen Feehan.
01:30:51.000 Yeah, yeah.
01:30:52.000 And I was looking at her and I clicked on her like links page and I was like, don't have an OnlyFans, don't have an OnlyFans, don't have an OnlyFans.
01:30:58.000 Oh her whole thing is- Oh no it doesn't have an OnlyFans!
01:31:00.000 Her whole thing is an OnlyFans thing.
01:31:02.000 No, wait a minute.
01:31:03.000 Karen Feehan?
01:31:04.000 Yeah.
01:31:05.000 Yeah.
01:31:05.000 She does have an OnlyFans?
01:31:07.000 She's nude all over the place.
01:31:09.000 See, that's unfortunate.
01:31:10.000 You can see her asshole.
01:31:11.000 Ladies, you get, God gives you a little change purse when you're born.
01:31:15.000 It's your chastity.
01:31:16.000 There's like 13 coins in it.
01:31:18.000 They're very, very valuable.
01:31:20.000 You can cash them in and get an OnlyFans, but then there's no more money in the thing.
01:31:25.000 Well, yeah, but I'm rich.
01:31:26.000 Yeah.
01:31:28.000 No one marries an OnlyFans.
01:31:30.000 Sorry.
01:31:31.000 No one wants, if a key unlocks all the locks, it's a very valuable key.
01:31:37.000 If a lock can be locked by any, unlocked by any key, it's not a valuable lock.
01:31:43.000 You're not a valuable lock if you're on OnlyFans because you've had a million keys open you up.
01:31:50.000 So does Ashton have one?
01:31:52.000 Yeah.
01:31:53.000 And does it look, is it a joke?
01:31:56.000 Um, you can't tell.
01:31:57.000 You can't, you gotta subscribe to find out, right?
01:31:59.000 Um, you can't tell.
01:32:01.000 But her, uh, Instagram... Is her Instagram hony?
01:32:05.000 Because if her Instagram is all sexy hony, and then she has an OnlyFans that's a joke, I guess that's fraud.
01:32:12.000 I prefer fraud to selling yourself as a whore.
01:32:16.000 So it looks like it, because these are some of the pictures that are around.
01:32:21.000 Unless, no, that's too much credit.
01:32:22.000 That doesn't look like a joke.
01:32:24.000 That looks like a professional photographer was involved.
01:32:29.000 Oh well.
01:32:30.000 Who did some uneven face tuning between this one and then the side profile.
01:32:37.000 But anyway, whatever.
01:32:38.000 That's just nitpicking.
01:32:39.000 The photographer.
01:32:41.000 The editor.
01:32:43.000 It's too bad, man.
01:32:45.000 Yeah it's like Karen Feehan I remember seeing her nude because I heard people were talking about it and then I never went back again like you're just completely uninterested.
01:32:53.000 Yeah they're always like yeah but I make you know 80 grand a month or something and you're like yeah if Superman did like conventions he'd make tons of money but now the Superman is ruined and it's a guy who signs 8x10s.
01:33:10.000 And I- She could just be posting non-nudes, just sexy photos like that.
01:33:15.000 But you know what's sexy photos?
01:33:17.000 Next door neighbor to rape porn.
01:33:20.000 So.
01:33:22.000 Another hot take from the Rye guy.
01:33:26.000 One person multiples.
01:33:27.000 Hi Gavin, Detective Shitty.
01:33:28.000 Always hear you talking about how having kids allows you to multiply in many people.
01:33:34.000 But even this is ridiculous.
01:33:35.000 I don't think it's ridiculous.
01:33:36.000 Thanks for keeping my sanity and boredom in check.
01:33:38.000 I've been a pool shitter since 19.
01:33:40.000 Still love the show.
01:33:40.000 I love when young people think that four years ago was a long time.
01:33:45.000 Dude, I've been into you since like 22.
01:33:47.000 Yeah, I've been doing this since 1992.
01:33:52.000 Mother of 16 children, 83 grandchildren, 204 great-grandchildren, and 93 great-great-grandchildren, and last but not least, 44 great-great-great-grandchildren.
01:34:05.000 But the world's overpopulated!
01:34:07.000 That's so bad for the environment!
01:34:10.000 Doesn't look like it's bad for the environment.
01:34:11.000 They seem to keep going.
01:34:14.000 And all you spinsters, like, what's-her-name, Amanda...
01:34:20.000 The one who always writes about Proud Boys, that has a store in Philly called Latchkey, where they sell toys to adults.
01:34:31.000 Amanda... I think I have her name here.
01:34:35.000 And she's really concerned about Drag Queen Story Hour.
01:34:38.000 So let's get this straight.
01:34:39.000 You're obsessed with a children's right to... Hannah Sparks is a different one.
01:34:46.000 Amanda Marcotte.
01:34:48.000 M-A-R-C-O-T-T-E.
01:34:50.000 So let me get this right.
01:34:50.000 You're obsessed with children having the right to, uh, there she is in the middle there.
01:34:57.000 You're obsessed with children having the right to be around crotch shots.
01:35:03.000 And you also run a store that's about young people and adults having the same interests.
01:35:08.000 Latchkey.
01:35:13.000 Doesn't look good.
01:35:14.000 And also, you could have had a legacy.
01:35:17.000 You could have been immortal.
01:35:18.000 You blew it.
01:35:19.000 You ended your legacy by letting your ovaries dry up just like all the other sad 35 year olds.
01:35:26.000 That's pathetic.
01:35:31.000 Would you rather have sex with a woman with a two face and an eight body or an eight face and a two body?
01:35:38.000 That's easy for me, I'd go with the face.
01:35:40.000 Eight face, two body.
01:35:41.000 Oh, really?
01:35:41.000 Oh, okay.
01:35:42.000 Yeah.
01:35:43.000 Us older dudes say shit like that, because it's true.
01:35:47.000 But, uh, yeah, we don't, we're not as obsessed with bodies.
01:35:50.000 I'm sure when I was 22 I'd probably say the opposite.
01:35:53.000 What about you, Ryan?
01:35:54.000 I think there's merit in both, because what are you really looking at?
01:35:57.000 What are you, a chick?
01:35:57.000 Just answer the question.
01:35:59.000 I'd prefer the eight body.
01:36:00.000 You'd rather a hot body and an ugly face?
01:36:04.000 Yeah.
01:36:05.000 It's dark out.
01:36:06.000 You don't even see the body.
01:36:08.000 There's merit in both, but if it's not dark out.
01:36:12.000 Hi, Gavington and Rigustus.
01:36:15.000 I'm desperately trying to figure out what I'm going to do with my life.
01:36:17.000 I just got dumped by a woman who clearly had mental illness.
01:36:19.000 Yeah, she must be mentally ill if she dumped you.
01:36:24.000 That's what I said to Joe Tonelli when he got dumped.
01:36:26.000 I go, it must hurt to be abandoned by someone who's clearly so perceptive.
01:36:30.000 Yeah.
01:36:31.000 And then I went to the bathroom and laughed at my own joke as I pissed.
01:36:34.000 Did he just agree?
01:36:35.000 Yes.
01:36:36.000 He didn't even realize he was slighted.
01:36:38.000 He's Coco the Gorilla.
01:36:39.000 He doesn't really agree or not agree.
01:36:41.000 He just goes... He took the words from my mouth.
01:36:46.000 She promised me everything, marriage, kids.
01:36:48.000 Wait, and then he flings shit all over the place too.
01:36:50.000 Just like a gorilla.
01:36:51.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:36:53.000 That's actually come up before.
01:36:54.000 She promised me everything, marriage, kids, the whole nine.
01:36:58.000 Now I'm single again at 32.
01:36:59.000 You mean she promised you marriage and kids and then she took it away?
01:37:03.000 Oh lord.
01:37:05.000 I work for a municipality but I'm low on the totem pole.
01:37:08.000 I've been going through the process of getting my bullshit degree in business administration slash public administration to get an even better job in the government.
01:37:16.000 He said BS degree.
01:37:18.000 I did stand-up comedy for a few years but I started late at 29.
01:37:21.000 I really love stand-up and I'm always writing but there's a bundle of issues with pursuing comedy.
01:37:27.000 Obviously I'm a Republican and the comedy world is a cesspool of liberal retards.
01:37:31.000 I spent a few hours arguing with a booker slash comedian last night about how drag shows aren't for children.
01:37:37.000 The comedian lifestyle is lonely as fuck.
01:37:40.000 If I got to the point of being a working comic, quote-unquote,
01:37:44.000 I'd have to be on the road all the time.
01:37:46.000 And even if I started a family, I probably wouldn't be able to support them.
01:37:49.000 And I'd have to leave them all the time.
01:37:52.000 On top of all that, I'm a straight white guy.
01:37:55.000 Not exactly Netflix's preferred show pony.
01:37:57.000 I apologize for the lack of brevity, but your sage wisdom would be greatly appreciated.
01:38:05.000 I like you more than a friend Rory.
01:38:07.000 What a deal- He's so move.
01:38:09.000 We don't know what he's planning.
01:38:12.000 Yeah, Rory, like, what do you want from me?
01:38:15.000 Pursue your job.
01:38:17.000 I don't know how you can be promised marriage and kids and then it's taken away.
01:38:21.000 You dodged a bullet.
01:38:22.000 She's clearly a bitch, although I'm starting to understand why she dumped you.
01:38:26.000 And yeah, no one's offering you a career in comedy, so you don't have to make these decisions.
01:38:31.000 Continue with your day job.
01:38:33.000 Do open mics at night.
01:38:34.000 If those explode, then yeah, maybe start doing a few other shows until you have enough money to fly somewhere and
01:38:41.000 Keep doing it that way, like this whole idea of like, oh, I'm so worried about the road!
01:38:48.000 If I was to hit the road as a comedian... Get the fuck back in your fucking hall!
01:38:55.000 Now!
01:38:56.000 I was gonna look up his comedy, but let's not totally humiliate the fucking dork.
01:39:03.000 Alright, it's time for the final vid, awry guy.
01:39:06.000 Ah, yes, the part of the show in the video of finality.
01:39:09.000 It begins with me screaming my head off like this.
01:39:25.000 This is an inspiring piece of art that I think sets the tone for the weekend.
01:39:29.000 It's on the Evergreen page.
01:39:30.000 Dude with giant chocolate head.
01:39:49.000 I don't know, man.
01:39:50.000 We laugh at art, especially modern art, and say it's garbage now, and every once in a while you see something and you go, that's really fucking cool!
01:39:56.000 And I don't know how you did that, and I like that you did that, and you made something awesome, and thanks for being weird.
01:40:02.000 Nope.
01:40:04.000 Yeah, blow that up nice and big, bro.
01:40:05.000 Alright.
01:40:07.000 Big as you can.
01:40:08.000 It's art.
01:40:09.000 We want art to be big.
01:40:12.000 Art.
01:40:13.000 Bigger, bigger, bigger, bigger, bigger, bigger.
01:40:15.000 Here we go, here we go, here we go, here we go!
01:40:19.000 Yeah, that's a good size.
01:40:25.000 Hold your breath.
01:40:26.000 Make a wish.
01:40:27.000 Count to three.
01:40:29.000 Come with me and you'll be in a world of pure imagination.
01:40:38.000 It's really turned out exactly how he wanted it to.
01:40:41.000 Into your imagination.
01:40:47.000 Pretty great, huh?
01:40:48.000 I like it.
01:40:49.000 It's awesome.
01:40:50.000 Come with me.
01:40:51.000 Alright guys, have a fun weekend.
01:40:52.000 Enjoy your family.
01:40:53.000 Try to get off those screens.
01:40:54.000 Try to do something new.
01:40:56.000 Get outside.
01:40:57.000 Unplug.
01:40:58.000 Experience nature.
01:41:00.000 Go for a long-ass walk.
01:41:01.000 Go for a walk so long your dog is kind of bummed.
01:41:05.000 I want your dog to be exhausted at the end of this walk and bring as many family members with you as you possibly can.
01:41:12.000 And while you're on these walks, be yourself.
01:41:17.000 Have character.
01:41:18.000 Be honest.
01:41:20.000 Don't let anyone change who you are.
01:41:22.000 Be brave.
01:41:26.000 If you're at work and you feel like you can't be yourself, I mean, don't be an idiot and say, I think blacks are lazy!
01:41:34.000 But if you like Trump, you can be like, I don't know, you guys all seem to hate him, I think he had some merit, the economy was doing well.
01:41:40.000 You can slowly, just like that, peel off the layers and let the real you seep out.
01:41:46.000 And if that gets you in trouble, fine.
01:41:50.000 You know, you have to, you're a fighter.
01:41:53.000 And you'll look back at your life as an old man and you'll say, when everyone was being a pussy, I stood my ground.
01:42:00.000 And your grandchildren will say, what were you doing during the cancel years and the culture wars?
01:42:04.000 And you'll go, I stood my ground.
01:42:05.000 I got in a lot of trouble, but I kept fighting.
01:42:09.000 So get fired, get in trouble, be brave, and never stop fighting.
01:42:17.000 Let's go!
01:42:49.000 It's always watching!
01:42:50.000 It always knows!