Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - MERRY CHRISTMAS BABY MONSTERS!

00:00:14.000 From New York, it's Get Off My War with Kevin McGinnis.

00:00:40.000 See, that was a different time, that song.

00:00:43.000 That was a time when you could swear in pop songs.

00:00:50.000 And then we become so uptight in our modern age.

00:00:54.000 Later, we'll have some fucking pie. 0.97

00:00:57.000 Later, we'll have some fucking pie. 0.97

00:01:01.000 Like, she loves pie.

00:01:03.000 Want some fucking pie.

00:01:05.000 Yeah, and you can tell she's so plump, too. 0.96

00:01:08.000 You know what I mean?

00:01:08.000 Like, it gets you in the Christmas spirit because this woman's not messing around.

00:01:12.000 Later, we'll have some fucking pie. 0.97

00:01:14.000 We'll open presents and shit.

00:01:17.000 It's going to be fucking awesome.

00:01:19.000 Fuck under the mistletoe.

00:01:21.000 Yeah, we don't kiss under the mistletoe.

00:01:23.000 We butt fuck. 0.99

00:01:24.000 Yeah, 69.

00:01:25.000 Yeah, fuck.

00:01:27.000 Put your tongue down my throat if you're near the mistletoe.

00:01:30.000 Which is a pagan tradition.

00:01:33.000 A lot of paganism in Christmas.

00:01:35.000 That's why I get annoyed when the Jews and the Buddhists and the atheists don't put shit up on their lawn. 1.00

00:01:40.000 That's kind of a, I could take that as a bit of a fuck you to me.

00:01:44.000 And to all of us, and to Christmas, to today.

00:01:48.000 Just put a light on your lawn.

00:01:50.000 Put a thing up.

00:01:51.000 The Chinese do in Diker Heights. 1.00

00:01:54.000 Oh, I got to show you that.

00:01:55.000 Thank God I remember.

00:01:56.000 Did I send you my pics?

00:01:57.000 No.

00:01:58.000 I went to Diker Heights, which is deep in Brooklyn.

00:02:02.000 It's at the bottom of the Brooklyn.

00:02:04.000 Airdrop open.

00:02:06.000 I guess I won't include them with my kids because we live in a psychotic society where my children can't be identified.

00:02:14.000 I forget what I saw recently and they showed their kids and I was like, oh, what are you doing?

00:02:18.000 Yeah.

00:02:19.000 Unpublish, edit.

00:02:20.000 The left can show their kids.

00:02:22.000 I guess I'll do airdrop.

00:02:23.000 Did you turn on the airdrop?

00:02:24.000 Yeah.

00:02:25.000 Yay.

00:02:26.000 I'm in Diker Heights.

00:02:28.000 Diker Heights is known as Italian, old school.

00:02:31.000 Kind of a tough neighborhood.

00:02:33.000 There's Puerto Ricans and there's Irish and stuff.

00:02:37.000 Did you get it?

00:02:39.000 It says scent.

00:02:40.000 Gavin's iMac?

00:02:42.000 No.

00:02:43.000 It would be censored Mac.

00:02:46.000 Okay.

00:02:46.000 We're not doing a very good job here of entertaining people.

00:02:49.000 Or you can text him to me.

00:02:50.000 He'll pop up.

00:02:52.000 Yeah.

00:02:55.000 It's kind of a tough, very old school Brooklyn.

00:02:57.000 Like, guys who grew up there in Diker Heights, we're right by Coney Island and stuff, like the Warriors.

00:03:02.000 They never left that block.

00:03:04.000 But there's some WAPs, some zips make money. 0.97

00:03:07.000 Zips and nips make money. 0.99

00:03:10.000 And so they want to, and they have construction shit going on.

00:03:13.000 So they'll take a few supplies from the job, a bit of drywall, and bring it to the house they're building.

00:03:20.000 And they build these monolithic McMansions that are fucking ridiculous.

00:03:26.000 I like them.

00:03:26.000 They're so tacky.

00:03:27.000 I wouldn't want to live in one, but like a Greek column that's as big as this building. 1.00

00:03:33.000 You don't know this building, but like you would die if you fell from the top of it.

00:03:37.000 Seamless, too.

00:03:38.000 It looks like it's one big piece.

00:03:40.000 You know, back in Rome, they'd have the slaves do that. 0.99

00:03:44.000 That's one house.

00:03:45.000 That's a Chinaman, that guy. 1.00

00:03:48.000 Dang.

00:03:48.000 Because he was in his driveway getting something from his truck.

00:03:50.000 I go, can I ask you something?

00:03:52.000 I said, like, I put up Christmas lights in my house.

00:03:55.000 I would be, I don't like putting up stuff super high where you'll die if you fall.

00:03:59.000 And I go, go back to the other one.

00:04:02.000 I go to him, how do they do that?

00:04:06.000 You can't really see it, but the very tippity top.

00:04:09.000 Like, how do they get those up?

00:04:10.000 Do they go from the roof and lean down?

00:04:12.000 I'm getting like seasick just talking about it.

00:04:15.000 And he goes, oh, they use a ladder.

00:04:19.000 And I realize, oh, you hired a bunch of Mexicans to do this. 1.00

00:04:22.000 They did a great job.

00:04:23.000 In my old neighborhood, in Brooklyn, there was a house where the guy spent $10,000 a year.

00:04:29.000 He was next to a synagogue.

00:04:30.000 And he spent $10,000 on his decorations every year.

00:04:35.000 Oh, it's snowing in here.

00:04:37.000 It's chilly.

00:04:39.000 I'm going to have some eggnog.

00:04:43.000 Ooh, are you cold too?

00:04:45.000 Yeah.

00:04:46.000 You're nice and blinking.

00:04:48.000 You're so cold and blurry.

00:04:49.000 You're so cold, it's blurry out.

00:04:52.000 It does happen during blizzards.

00:04:54.000 It's blurzards. 1.00

00:04:56.000 Your mic's sharp, though.

00:04:58.000 Well, because they don't feel temperature.

00:05:01.000 They didn't have to deal with the myths and the legends.

00:05:04.000 So I guess Chinese people are getting rich, and they're very mathematical. 0.99

00:05:10.000 They have the abacus, and they just go, this is the best value for my dollar.

00:05:13.000 I can commute.

00:05:14.000 I don't mind.

00:05:15.000 I don't have a soul.

00:05:16.000 So I can be in traffic for two hours a day.

00:05:18.000 The traffic, if you hit traffic going to Diker Heitzenbach, it's AIDS. 0.72

00:05:22.000 It's 45 minutes or it's half an hour from the city, but with traffic, it's like three fucking hours.

00:05:27.000 I don't know how those people do it.

00:05:29.000 I would just get up at two in the morning, which I guess the Chinese do. 1.00

00:05:32.000 Anyway, very cool walking around there.

00:05:35.000 They're not cheap.

00:05:37.000 It's not like a foam gingerbread man.

00:05:39.000 It's like a polyurethane gingerbread man.

00:05:43.000 It's like, what do you call that stuff?

00:05:46.000 That's like, I wanted the floor of the studio to be this, and the guy kind of gipped me off.

00:05:50.000 What am I talking about?

00:05:52.000 The, you know, the sound.

00:05:54.000 Polyurethane sounded.

00:05:55.000 No, you know, like when you want to encase something in lacquer or ever helped me with something I can't remember ever since the day you were born.

00:06:08.000 That shit's cool.

00:06:09.000 Anyway.

00:06:12.000 Look at that.

00:06:12.000 Oh, so you go, well, what if someone?

00:06:14.000 Epoxy.

00:06:15.000 Thank you.

00:06:17.000 What if someone steals one of these?

00:06:19.000 They're not cheap.

00:06:21.000 That little grouch, Oscar the Grouch, there, must be, I would say, 40 bucks.

00:06:26.000 So it adds up 40, 80, 120, 160, 200, 240, 280, like 300 bucks a shit floating around.

00:06:35.000 So, what they do is, and I think they also do this so they don't blow over, they tie a fishing line to it.

00:06:41.000 A lot of firemen out there, too, which is good because firemen will do like a 30-hour shift, 48-hour shift.

00:06:46.000 So, they're not really worried about traffic, right?

00:06:47.000 You go to weird time, 2 in the morning, you do your crazy shift, you come back at 2 in the morning, it works for them.

00:06:55.000 So, what they do is they have fishing line intertwangled, I invented that word, intertwangled around each other.

00:07:01.000 So, say you grab Oscar, you're grabbing the whole kit in Caboodle.

00:07:04.000 And I also noticed there was a security dude there.

00:07:09.000 I guess if, you know, I've had security guys in my house.

00:07:12.000 They're about $1,000 a night, max.

00:07:15.000 If they're buddies, they'll do it for $600.

00:07:17.000 But, you know, you get four blocks.

00:07:20.000 They all pitch in.

00:07:21.000 It's pretty affordable.

00:07:24.000 I don't know what buenotale means.

00:07:26.000 I thought it was their last name.

00:07:28.000 Oh, is that Italian for Merry Christmas?

00:07:33.000 Yeah, that must be it.

00:07:35.000 Hey, computer, what's Italian for Merry Christmas?

00:07:40.000 Merry Christmas in Italian is Buonotale.

00:07:45.000 Yeah.

00:07:46.000 I can also translate conversations.

00:07:48.000 Unnecessary, computer.

00:07:50.000 No, thank you.

00:07:52.000 Hey, computer, do you relay my private conversations to the FBI?

00:07:59.000 I don't know that.

00:08:02.000 Hey, computer, do you have any correspondence with the FBI or law enforcement?

00:08:08.000 Sorry, I don't know that one.

00:08:10.000 Hey, computer, do you celebrate Christmas?

00:08:14.000 When the season is about goodwill and cheer, you can count on me to celebrate.

00:08:19.000 Very politically correct computer here.

00:08:23.000 Good season and cheer.

00:08:25.000 What's he saying?

00:08:26.000 Look at that shit.

00:08:28.000 That's a home.

00:08:30.000 That fucking hotel is a home.

00:08:31.000 And like I've always said, I don't get big houses.

00:08:34.000 That must be a 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7.

00:08:38.000 At least a 12-bedroom house.

00:08:40.000 So I understand if you got 12 kids, but what if you don't?

00:08:46.000 You have guests over?

00:08:47.000 Okay, your dining room table must be 30 feet long.

00:08:51.000 And now you're just living in a hotel.

00:08:53.000 I've said it before and I'll say it again.

00:08:55.000 I live in a big house.

00:08:56.000 I lived in a house so big that I had to text my kids when it was bedtime because I didn't know where the fuck they were.

00:09:03.000 That's what I was talking about, by the way, when I said expensive.

00:09:05.000 Cut me out of the picture for a sec.

00:09:08.000 There's two gingerbread.

00:09:10.000 There's a gingerbread man and a gingerbread woman.

00:09:13.000 Gingerbread woman.

00:09:15.000 And if you zoom in, those are not cheap, dude.

00:09:20.000 Those are really nice things that could be in the window at Macy's.

00:09:27.000 Nice balls, too.

00:09:28.000 God, I should have said that.

00:09:30.000 The guy was home.

00:09:32.000 Pock, hindsight's 2020.

00:09:33.000 We got some presents on today's show, right?

00:09:36.000 Gift exchange.

00:09:37.000 Ryan and I did a Secret Santa here at the studio.

00:09:41.000 And coincidentally, what would you know?

00:09:43.000 Would you know it?

00:09:46.000 I got Ryan and he got me.

00:09:47.000 Yeah.

00:09:48.000 And I remembered.

00:09:49.000 I didn't forget.

00:09:50.000 I will introduce the Censored TV Annual Secret Center.

00:10:06.000 Pump, pump the jam, pump the jam. 0.99

00:10:08.000 Graphics you were targeting.

00:10:10.000 Thank you.

00:10:11.000 So yes, the reveal, I got.

00:10:16.000 Are we dumping right into it?

00:10:17.000 Hold on.

00:10:18.000 Hold your weish, as we say in Scotland.

00:10:21.000 Have you shown all the Diker Heights?

00:10:23.000 All the Diker has been Sassine. 1.00

00:10:26.000 Let's see.

00:10:27.000 There's the gingerbread, and then we're back to this guy.

00:10:30.000 Yeah.

00:10:31.000 Right?

00:10:32.000 Yep.

00:10:33.000 Jesus is hanging out.

00:10:36.000 You know, it's a long drive, but I purposely chose, I told the kids no screens, and it was a really good time because they had no choice but to talk to me.

00:10:46.000 It's weird, having teenagers and a young kid, the things you make them do, the memories you create, aren't necessarily fun.

00:10:58.000 They don't really love it.

00:11:01.000 Like, they like their drugs, their crack, which is Fortnite MLB the show, watching some old flavor of love, playing.

00:11:10.000 I'm including all my kids here and all their weird things they're into.

00:11:14.000 That's when they really enjoy themselves.

00:11:16.000 It's sort of like Amy Winehouse in that documentary where she's winning an award.

00:11:19.000 And she goes, this is so, she whispers to her friend, this is so fucking boring without drugs.

00:11:24.000 So you're taking away their drugs and you're doing something else.

00:11:27.000 But when they look back, they're not going to look back at Fortnite and M.L.B. The show.

00:11:30.000 They'll look back at when their dad took them to Diker Heights or when they went skiing.

00:11:34.000 I don't know if they thoroughly enjoy the actual act of skiing.

00:11:40.000 But you're like, it's away from screens.

00:11:42.000 You're being with your family.

00:11:43.000 You're enjoying yourself.

00:11:44.000 We're creating memories.

00:11:46.000 It's a bizarre phenomenon where the things that are best for them are not the things they enjoy the most.

00:11:54.000 She's just like, I wish this microphone was a syringe.

00:12:00.000 She didn't even die of drugs, you know.

00:12:01.000 Is this the clip?

00:12:03.000 No.

00:12:04.000 Well, maybe.

00:12:06.000 This is so fucking boring without heroin.

00:12:14.000 But even Christmas with the whole family, like, does everyone enjoys it, especially the moms.

00:12:20.000 But do they really, does everyone else really enjoy it the way they enjoy their favorite thing?

00:12:25.000 And then I started thinking, I'm not sure I even enjoy my favorite thing.

00:12:30.000 Like, a blowjob is inarguable.

00:12:33.000 Everyone enjoys that.

00:12:34.000 It's not like anyone's going like this during a BJ.

00:12:37.000 So that's like indisputably good, feeling good, great.

00:12:44.000 But like, when you're, I like being in my old man bar sitting around.

00:12:48.000 Sometimes I'm talking to people that I normally wouldn't be friends with in normal life, or I'm just watching Law and Order with the sound off, and I'm trying to follow the plot with no subtitles.

00:12:57.000 Like, it looks like a cop got shot.

00:13:01.000 And yeah.

00:13:04.000 At least with heroin, you're definitely enjoying yourself.

00:13:07.000 There's no arguing.

00:13:09.000 But that's not good for you.

00:13:11.000 Anyway, I'm off of a tangent here.

00:13:13.000 You're sitting with the family.

00:13:14.000 You're all watching GOML together.

00:13:16.000 It's like changing my baby's diaper.

00:13:18.000 It's definitely not fun.

00:13:19.000 Oh, that's a great example.

00:13:20.000 For once, Detective Shitty brings up something good.

00:13:22.000 It feels good, but it's not fun.

00:13:26.000 Yeah, it stinks like shit.

00:13:27.000 It literally stinks like shit.

00:13:28.000 And when I had my last kid, when he was on his diapers, and he was getting to be like whatever the age is two when they run out, every diaper, I was like, this could be the last diaper I ever do in my life.

00:13:39.000 Weird.

00:13:40.000 Till I die.

00:13:41.000 That's sad.

00:13:42.000 Unless I get some grandbaby diapers, which I don't think I'll make it that far.

00:13:47.000 And so I was like coveting every shitstimere.

00:13:50.000 Yeah.

00:13:51.000 It's like that saying, Cormac McCarthy said, there's no joy at the tavern as great as the road there too.

00:13:58.000 A lot of the stuff we enjoy isn't necessarily joyful.

00:14:03.000 Like salt and vinegar chips or like spicy burritos that hurt your mouth or rough sex. 0.98

00:14:12.000 Yeah, hot sauce, come to think of it, I enjoy putting hot sauce on stuff, but it's not fun.

00:14:17.000 I don't like it.

00:14:18.000 It tastes good.

00:14:18.000 And I always, if I have a burrito and there's no sriracha or hot or Tabasco around, I'm not eating it.

00:14:23.000 Yeah.

00:14:24.000 I eat hot sauce till I'm in pain.

00:14:26.000 Yep.

00:14:27.000 So I'm having a painful food.

00:14:31.000 We're weird as humans, aren't we?

00:14:36.000 Anyway, speaking of joy, this is a short app, you know, just a Christmas app.

00:14:40.000 We wanted to squeeze it in here because we love Christmas.

00:14:43.000 We're Christians, Catholics.

00:14:45.000 Big day, big day.

00:14:49.000 And judging by the amount of boxes by your desk, Ryan, I think you got me a lot of...

00:14:54.000 Ho, ho, ho. 0.99

00:14:56.000 Who's that?

00:14:57.000 Merry Christmas.

00:14:59.000 Oh, my God, Jesse Lee Peterson.

00:15:01.000 Welcome to the studio.

00:15:02.000 It's great to see you again.

00:15:04.000 I'm happy that you said that about Christmas.

00:15:06.000 It is about the Lord.

00:15:08.000 It's not about the children of the lie will tell you that Christmas is about presents and commerciality.

00:15:17.000 It's not.

00:15:19.000 It's about Jesus.

00:15:21.000 Jesus is a focal point of Christmas.

00:15:23.000 But the thing I kind of like about it is the ambiguity with the commercialism.

00:15:27.000 Like, I like it all.

00:15:28.000 Throw it all in.

00:15:30.000 Like, there's a lot of paganism in Christmas.

00:15:32.000 Jesus was not born on the 24th.

00:15:35.000 That's the sun god.

00:15:36.000 But we wanted to bring in the pagans.

00:15:37.000 So we pulled them in.

00:15:38.000 The mistletoe, all of the plants lying around.

00:15:42.000 Even the Christmas tree, that's paganism. 0.99

00:15:45.000 So we pulled that in, and I kind of see them as trophies as Christianity-dominated paganism. 0.97

00:15:51.000 Almost like a snowball at the top of a hill, and then you keep rolling it.

00:15:55.000 And we didn't have snow.

00:15:57.000 Yeah, Jesus is the snowball.

00:15:59.000 And then all the paganism and commercialization and Santa Claus and the Nordic God and the reindeer. 0.65

00:16:06.000 That's all the extra snow that gets on top.

00:16:07.000 And then you get to the bottom.

00:16:08.000 You have this big giant snowball.

00:16:09.000 It's kind of like American history.

00:16:11.000 Like people go, take down the Confederate statues.

00:16:13.000 That was bad.

00:16:14.000 And you go, yeah, there's a lot of bad.

00:16:16.000 Good, bad.

00:16:18.000 It's all, you know, we have this obsession in 2021, about to be 2022, where we want to sanitize everything.

00:16:26.000 But the moral of today's show is take the crunchy with the smooth.

00:16:29.000 That's right.

00:16:30.000 You know, it's like when I made my mom make mints and tatties without anything in the mints but mints.

00:16:35.000 It was gross and boring.

00:16:37.000 I liked the vegetables I don't like in the mints.

00:16:40.000 So you got to include the Confederate statutes.

00:16:42.000 You got to include slavery.

00:16:44.000 You got to include the Civil War.

00:16:45.000 It's all the messes that we all went through that brought us together today.

00:16:50.000 That's right.

00:16:51.000 Enjoy the mess.

00:16:52.000 Enjoy the filth, the evil.

00:16:54.000 Take the snow and make a snowman out of it.

00:16:57.000 I mean, we didn't have snow back then.

00:16:58.000 Where we grew up, we were too poor.

00:17:01.000 You couldn't afford snow?

00:17:02.000 That's right.

00:17:03.000 So we used to take like a Bisquick or like a pancake batter and we used to lay it on the floor and then make little snow lumps.

00:17:11.000 So then we put a car lumps.

00:17:13.000 Put a carrot coming out the top.

00:17:14.000 We couldn't afford carrots neither, but we had a...

00:17:17.000 I don't even want to get there, but make a snow lump out of the blizzard.

00:17:22.000 You don't want to tell me what you used for carrots?

00:17:24.000 It's private?

00:17:26.000 Are you ashamed?

00:17:27.000 You were on a show recently with Jesse Lee Peterson.

00:17:32.000 Yeah.

00:17:32.000 Do you have a clip of that?

00:17:33.000 Can we see that?

00:17:33.000 I don't have a clip of it yet, but if you go to Matt Andrews' YouTube, I think he should be putting it out.

00:17:38.000 It should be out by now.

00:17:40.000 Okay, we'll check that out.

00:17:42.000 Well, thank you for coming on the show, Jesse.

00:17:43.000 God bless it.

00:17:44.000 Merry Christmas.

00:17:45.000 He, he, he.

00:17:47.000 He doesn't like saying ho because he's against prostitution.

00:17:52.000 I like delaying the presents here.

00:17:54.000 That's kind of another fun part of Christmas.

00:17:56.000 We let the kids open one present on Christmas Eve.

00:18:00.000 My youngest son chose the weirdest present he's ever asked for.

00:18:04.000 He asked for a bullhorn.

00:18:07.000 And he said, I want to make sure that's the present I open on Christmas Eve.

00:18:11.000 Okay.

00:18:12.000 I guess you can see where this is going.

00:18:13.000 It was a very loud night and a very loud morning.

00:18:22.000 Have we tapped everything we want to tap?

00:18:26.000 Oh, Dinesh D'Souza is here.

00:18:28.000 I think we have tapped out just about everything except I wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas.

00:18:35.000 Thank you.

00:18:36.000 Ode.

00:18:38.000 Okay, well, thanks for coming on the show, Dinesh.

00:18:41.000 Always appreciate you popping by.

00:18:43.000 Totally.

00:18:44.000 Merry Christmas.

00:18:46.000 Let's do my first present.

00:18:48.000 Okay.

00:18:50.000 Secret Santa present number one.

00:19:00.000 We're joined by Technotronic.

00:19:03.000 Yeah, bring them up one by one.

00:19:10.000 You know, the girl for the Technotronic video, this song, Yakid K, I believe her name is.

00:19:17.000 She's kind of a homely lesbian. 1.00

00:19:19.000 And they didn't want her in the video because she wasn't pretty enough. 1.00

00:19:21.000 So they just got that chick. 0.99

00:19:23.000 That's not Yakid K. A Milli Vanilli type. 0.89

00:19:26.000 A Milli Vanilli broad.

00:19:28.000 That'd be kind of a bummer, right?

00:19:29.000 Yeah.

00:19:30.000 You write a hit, number one hit song, and people are like, that's great.

00:19:32.000 We're going to make a video.

00:19:33.000 Oh, well, I better get my hair and makeup done.

00:19:37.000 No, you're not in it.

00:19:39.000 You're not in your song.

00:19:41.000 What do we got here?

00:19:42.000 Whoa, this takes me back.

00:19:45.000 Stretch Armstrong.

00:19:47.000 Heck yeah.

00:19:48.000 This was a big deal to us as kids.

00:19:51.000 So that was...

00:19:52.000 I think this predates Star Wars.

00:19:54.000 Dude, that's one of the oldest toys in the world.

00:19:58.000 I don't know if that's true, but...

00:19:59.000 And they still stretch.

00:20:02.000 Armstrong.

00:20:03.000 Look at that stretch.

00:20:05.000 Because around here, you start getting nervous.

00:20:07.000 Stretch, are you okay?

00:20:09.000 Yeah, I've never stretched it that far.

00:20:10.000 I got scared.

00:20:11.000 Engines, Connie, handle it. 1.00

00:20:14.000 And then you take it back.

00:20:17.000 I grew up with a different Stretch Armstrong.

00:20:19.000 See, I grew up with a foreskin, so I'm fine with stretching things.

00:20:22.000 I grew up without the myths and legends.

00:20:28.000 I didn't grow up with the Star Wars toys because we couldn't afford them.

00:20:31.000 This was my stretch.

00:20:32.000 No, we could afford them, but they just didn't get them.

00:20:34.000 90s Stretch Armstrong.

00:20:35.000 Oh, that sucks, dude.

00:20:36.000 Weird, right?

00:20:37.000 I hate to, you know, salad daze my youth over yours, but my stretch Armstrong.

00:20:43.000 Look up the 70s Stretch Armstrong.

00:20:45.000 But did you have this?

00:20:47.000 This is his evil buddy, Vac-Man.

00:20:49.000 You'd take a vacuum and put it on his head, suck all the air out, and then he was like, you could mold him and he stays.

00:20:58.000 I don't understand.

00:21:00.000 What air?

00:21:02.000 He has air?

00:21:02.000 There was air in his bag.

00:21:04.000 This is the 70s one.

00:21:06.000 So this is like the retro.

00:21:07.000 Was it bigger, though, back in the day?

00:21:09.000 Well, that kid's not a midget. 1.00

00:21:11.000 It was just the same as this, but way bigger.

00:21:16.000 Everything was bigger back then.

00:21:17.000 Our G.I. Joes were like almost life-size.

00:21:20.000 Yes.

00:21:21.000 So that's really cool.

00:21:22.000 Oh, look, you can get Vac-Man, too.

00:21:24.000 There's an octopus guy.

00:21:25.000 What?

00:21:26.000 Oh, cool.

00:21:28.000 Still going.

00:21:29.000 This is the Vac-Man.

00:21:31.000 Vac-Man!

00:21:36.000 Stretch arms, drunk, starch, enemy.

00:21:37.000 Oh, he gets lumpy.

00:21:45.000 Vac him, crack him.

00:21:48.000 Stretch, Vac-Man.

00:21:50.000 I bet that was a chemist who discovered this sort of stretchy polymer.

00:21:53.000 He was going for something else, like a new type of insulation.

00:21:56.000 And his boss said, this is fucking useless, dummy.

00:21:59.000 And he was about to throw it out.

00:22:00.000 And then his son said, Dad, you can make it into a stretchy guy, and it's a toy.

00:22:05.000 That's how we discovered post-it notes.

00:22:07.000 We were going for the most intense glue on earth.

00:22:11.000 And we ended up with a shitty glue.

00:22:13.000 And then someone goes, just make it a post-it note.

00:22:18.000 Gift number two.

00:22:19.000 Let's do all my gifts to me.

00:22:21.000 Yeah.

00:22:22.000 Because that's obviously what I knew everyone wants to see.

00:22:24.000 The number one guy, the main dude.

00:22:27.000 And then we'll go through your tons of presents.

00:22:33.000 Okay, what's next?

00:22:39.000 Oh, we're doing them all at once.

00:22:41.000 What's this?

00:22:42.000 Cologne?

00:22:44.000 Okay, present number two.

00:22:46.000 You know, hockey tape is kind of a tacky thing to put on a present.

00:22:49.000 I don't mean to look a gift horse in the brain, but...

00:22:51.000 It's literally a gift horse.

00:22:55.000 I love this.

00:22:56.000 Great present.

00:22:57.000 It's a shot glass.

00:22:58.000 It says, sounds gay.

00:22:59.000 I'm in.

00:23:01.000 Maybe I'll just re-gift this to my wife today.

00:23:04.000 You can stay at the censored bar.

00:23:06.000 You can re-gift it.

00:23:07.000 Yeah, that looks fun.

00:23:08.000 Don't tell me that you're going to re-gift it, but yeah.

00:23:11.000 Was that rude?

00:23:12.000 Yes.

00:23:12.000 Where'd you get this?

00:23:14.000 I worked hard on that.

00:23:15.000 I had to stay in line at Spencer's Gifts.

00:23:18.000 Spencer's Gifts.

00:23:19.000 The Co-op City Bronx Mall.

00:23:22.000 Did you know Co-op City used to be a bigger amusement park than Disneyland?

00:23:29.000 Yes, it was called Freedomland.

00:23:31.000 Freedomland.

00:23:32.000 And it died because it was seasonal.

00:23:34.000 Yes.

00:23:36.000 That's a trip.

00:23:37.000 This documentary on it is fucking wild.

00:23:40.000 Show us.

00:23:41.000 Defunctland's trailer.

00:23:44.000 It was one of the most ambitious things ever.

00:23:47.000 It was bigger than, so it was the guys that worked for Walt Disney.

00:23:50.000 And when that was, that seemed like a pipe dream.

00:23:53.000 They didn't think that Walt could pull it off and stuff like that.

00:23:55.000 And this crew splintered off, and they went ahead, and in the Bronx, New York, they constructed this thing called Freedom Land.

00:24:04.000 It was the shape of the United States of America.

00:24:07.000 It had Colorado, Florida, Louisiana, San Francisco, New York, like a mini, like it's a small world.

00:24:15.000 That would be funny if the gays sort of gravitated to the San Francisco area. 0.99

00:24:20.000 They had 40 attractions.

00:24:22.000 They had Indians and cowboys, and they had the Chicago fire.

00:24:29.000 And every hour it would burn up, and they would have Chicago firemen come out.

00:24:34.000 No way.

00:24:35.000 It was huge.

00:24:36.000 So they had like an asbestos building that could take fire 20 hours a day.

00:24:42.000 And the people could run up and try to put the fire out and pump it.

00:24:44.000 They had ferries.

00:24:46.000 Well, you said there was already a San Francisco section.

00:24:48.000 Right.

00:24:48.000 Oh.

00:24:50.000 I understand.

00:24:51.000 I understand your joke.

00:24:52.000 Thank you.

00:24:54.000 There was cowboys and girls with weird noses.

00:24:57.000 Massive.

00:24:58.000 And I grew up on the burial ground of a huge amusement city.

00:25:01.000 So your ghosts were fun.

00:25:03.000 Yes.

00:25:04.000 You grew up with fun ghosts.

00:25:05.000 That's why I always think it's such a fun city, and I never know why.

00:25:07.000 It's just buildings and some space and parks between it.

00:25:10.000 It's haunted by fun.

00:25:12.000 Yeah.

00:25:12.000 So eventually it just went broke because they had to shut down for like November.

00:25:17.000 No.

00:25:17.000 You could probably still do November.

00:25:19.000 Like golf courses here in New York are open till late December.

00:25:25.000 So let's say you got to shut down December, January, February, maybe March.

00:25:30.000 That doesn't seem so bad.

00:25:32.000 Four months off?

00:25:33.000 Do repairs during that time.

00:25:35.000 Yeah, why not?

00:25:36.000 I think you pussied out.

00:25:38.000 Or have Snowland, like turn it all into like Alaska.

00:25:41.000 Yeah, good point.

00:25:42.000 You could just alter some of the shit.

00:25:45.000 And so this is Co-op City, and it's the largest housing cooperative in the world.

00:25:50.000 What a mess.

00:25:51.000 Didn't know that.

00:25:52.000 It's a Puerto Rican human farm. 0.90

00:25:54.000 Well, it was better before the Mavros moved in. 1.00

00:25:56.000 It was better before Puerto Ricans. 1.00

00:25:58.000 Well.

00:25:59.000 The most comfortable everyday underwear.

00:26:02.000 Need a stiff one, it says, and it's underwear that's like beer.

00:26:06.000 I'm wearing some right now.

00:26:07.000 Those are very comfortable.

00:26:10.000 I wear tidy whiteys.

00:26:12.000 Me too.

00:26:13.000 But I'm going to be this guy now.

00:26:14.000 I'm going to wear like decorative.

00:26:16.000 Don't they ride up, though?

00:26:18.000 No.

00:26:18.000 They feel great.

00:26:19.000 This is what my underwear looks like.

00:26:21.000 This is usually what my underwear looks like, folks at home.

00:26:27.000 Yeah, just regular.

00:26:28.000 It looks like you're kind of enhancing your genitals. 0.89

00:26:32.000 But it's backfiring in a genital. 0.94

00:26:33.000 It's a switcher bigger than a finger, actually.

00:26:35.000 Looks like you have a point.

00:26:36.000 Yeah.

00:26:36.000 It looks like you have a pointy prick.

00:26:39.000 All right.

00:26:40.000 Well, it's Christmas, so maybe not that.

00:26:42.000 You know, my son, my teen son, had a Secret Santa, and he got his buddy Hooters underwear.

00:26:51.000 Just like this, but it said Hooters on it.

00:26:54.000 And I said to him, I'm going to give you a joke, and you can have this.

00:26:57.000 By the way, comedians pay for jokes.

00:26:59.000 Did you know that?

00:26:59.000 Stand-up comics will pay like $200, $300.

00:27:01.000 Especially for a roast, but yeah, overall, yeah.

00:27:03.000 So I go, here's a joke you can have for free.

00:27:07.000 Just say, I got you these because you like tits. 1.00

00:27:12.000 Now, these are 13-year-olds, so tits and liking tits is kind of taboo. 0.98

00:27:16.000 That makes it more funny.

00:27:18.000 And I go, you can have that.

00:27:20.000 I go, do you want it?

00:27:20.000 And he goes, no.

00:27:21.000 I go, I'm giving you a free joke.

00:27:24.000 Free joke.

00:27:24.000 He goes, I don't want it.

00:27:26.000 I go, okay, you just threw $200 in the garbage.

00:27:28.000 And he didn't use it.

00:27:30.000 The kids today.

00:27:31.000 What if he says no, uses it and doesn't pay you?

00:27:33.000 Ooh.

00:27:34.000 Ooh.

00:27:35.000 Smart.

00:27:36.000 Sinewy.

00:27:37.000 Cunning.

00:27:38.000 Okay, this one has a little ribbon on it.

00:27:40.000 Yep.

00:27:41.000 That's exciting.

00:27:42.000 It appears to be some sock.

00:27:44.000 Sock atomica.

00:27:47.000 That would be a fun job working at Spencer's Gifts and just meeting all the people who are pitching the shit.

00:27:51.000 And you're like, no.

00:27:54.000 Well, that one I actually got at a sock store.

00:27:57.000 Oh, a sock store.

00:27:58.000 It's a store.

00:27:59.000 You sound like someone who gets beaten every time they pronounce the word sock store wrong.

00:28:03.000 And you're like sweating and you go, I actually got that at a sock store.

00:28:09.000 No one's going to hurt you.

00:28:10.000 It's like.

00:28:11.000 The teacher telling me to enunciate what she's got a ruler. 0.99

00:28:13.000 She's going to slap me. 1.00

00:28:14.000 You know what's funny about this, Ron?

00:28:15.000 Bourbon socks.

00:28:16.000 Yeah.

00:28:17.000 Because I brought the ice maker home because they were renovating our kitchen, we didn't have an add ice in the studio.

00:28:23.000 So I've been having bourbon neat, and through repetition, I'm becoming a bourbon neat nigga. 0.76

00:28:28.000 It's so good.

00:28:30.000 You get more of it.

00:28:32.000 Like you get more of the vibe with neat.

00:28:35.000 I understand why they call us rockers.

00:28:38.000 And I'm an ex-rocker now, pussies. 0.99

00:28:41.000 They're renovating our kitchen, and the guy, the contractor, he goes, can I ask you something?

00:28:45.000 He says to my wife, this is how contractors talk to women, too. 1.00

00:28:49.000 If you were a light, where would you be here?

00:28:52.000 Be here?

00:28:52.000 And so I just came in because I hadn't left for work yet.

00:28:54.000 And I'm like, if I was a light, I'd be going through this intense existential crisis where I had a consciousness, but I couldn't communicate.

00:29:04.000 So I would try, maybe I'd flicker every time they said the word light.

00:29:07.000 That would be a start, you know?

00:29:09.000 But if that didn't work, like I couldn't convey my existence, I would want to kill myself.

00:29:15.000 I don't know what I'm doing.

00:29:16.000 I can't even swing.

00:29:17.000 I'd want to electrocute myself, but then they just fix me.

00:29:21.000 So I think it would be worse than hell to be a light and to exist and have intelligence, but be unable to convey your existence to anyone, be unable to relate to anyone, be unable to communicate.

00:29:33.000 And he goes, he goes, I just want to know where to put the light.

00:29:38.000 Fuck.

00:29:39.000 What a waste of a great joke.

00:29:40.000 I thought it was a pretty good joke.

00:29:42.000 And I brought it up with my kids, and then my kids reminded me of this horrific nightmare of a book that was my in-laws own it, and they used to read it to my wife, and then they read it to the kids.

00:29:55.000 You ever heard of this book where there's a fucking donkey, and he becomes a rock?

00:30:03.000 Do you know what I'm talking about?

00:30:04.000 No.

00:30:05.000 Looking it up.

00:30:06.000 Oh, Sylvester and the Magic Pebbles?

00:30:08.000 Sylvester and the Magic Pebbles.

00:30:09.000 So it's a donkey walking along, mining his own beeswax, and then he accidentally makes a wish, like, could I be a rock? 0.89

00:30:17.000 I forget exactly how it goes.

00:30:19.000 He becomes a rock for like 11 years.

00:30:22.000 Terrible.

00:30:23.000 And his parents are bawling their eyes out because their son disappeared.

00:30:27.000 And then I think maybe, I don't know, 11, 12 years into it, his dad's sitting on the rock and he's crying and he wishes his son would come back.

00:30:34.000 But because he's touching the rock, the son comes out of the rock.

00:30:37.000 Dude, you should have done that.

00:30:39.000 Oh, he didn't know he was the rock.

00:30:41.000 He didn't know he was in the rock.

00:30:43.000 Sylvester and the Magic Pebble, one of the darkest pieces of literature.

00:30:47.000 It really is.

00:30:48.000 When people ask me the scariest horror movie, I say, can I include children's books?

00:30:53.000 Because that book is a fucking...

00:30:57.000 Don't smoke weed and read it.

00:30:59.000 If someone has eaten shrooms or tried acid, get them the fuck away from that book.

00:31:04.000 You know what stinks about being a light bulb?

00:31:07.000 What?

00:31:08.000 It takes seven blondes to change you. 1.00

00:31:13.000 Oh, it's Coco Diaz.

00:31:15.000 It's Joey Coco Diaz, M-F-A.

00:31:18.000 Oh, hey, how you doing?

00:31:19.000 Dude, I'm doing pretty good.

00:31:21.000 I don't celebrate Christmas usually.

00:31:23.000 I celebrate Hanukkah.

00:31:25.000 Because, dude, they got these blue stars of David that mess you up.

00:31:29.000 Oh, you like Viagra?

00:31:30.000 Is that what you're talking about?

00:31:35.000 Okay.

00:31:35.000 That's a little something for you.

00:31:36.000 I got to admit, I'm a little uncomfortable, Coco, because you did threaten me after I mocked Ralphie Mae for ODing, even though he has kids and choosing opioids over his kids.

00:31:44.000 That was back when I was a tough guy.

00:31:46.000 You know, now I'm talk about Bruce Lee, talk about Bruce Stars of death and Taekwondo.

00:31:55.000 Happy Christmas.

00:31:56.000 Yeah.

00:31:57.000 I'm not a fan of you, Coco.

00:31:59.000 Your whole New York thing.

00:32:00.000 New Yorkers in LA got on my nerves.

00:32:02.000 I'm from New York.

00:32:04.000 I'm a tough guy.

00:32:06.000 I'm a wise guy.

00:32:08.000 It probably works on Californians. 0.99

00:32:10.000 They hear the Bronx accent, and the only time they've heard that is in movies, so they go, you're going to get me whacked.

00:32:17.000 Next.

00:32:17.000 Bye, Coco.

00:32:18.000 Bye.

00:32:19.000 Next, we have England.

00:32:23.000 It's the guy from It's a Small World.

00:32:25.000 The price is on it, $10.

00:32:27.000 Yeah.

00:32:28.000 These are $10.

00:32:30.000 I hope you're taking this out of your own salary and not the company.

00:32:35.000 Oops.

00:32:39.000 So before you unbox that one, it was a buy one get two.

00:32:47.000 I don't like these things.

00:32:49.000 I know you don't.

00:32:50.000 It makes me think of fat guys with no life who have like a shelf or the various figurines.

00:32:57.000 Which I guess I had, which I guess is behind me right now.

00:33:01.000 So I felt like England was at least relevant to you because like, oh, great.

00:33:04.000 Trummer McNugget isn't on McDonald's.

00:33:06.000 I feel like you're not putting any thought into these.

00:33:08.000 No, it was buy one, get two.

00:33:09.000 And these were the only options.

00:33:11.000 And this is Mrs. Scarlett.

00:33:12.000 Carlos Peacock.

00:33:14.000 Mrs. Peacock.

00:33:15.000 From Clue.

00:33:17.000 Oh, man, Ryan.

00:33:18.000 Yeah, no, those are just...

00:33:19.000 These are literally throwaway.

00:33:21.000 I can't even re-gift them.

00:33:22.000 I debated nothing.

00:33:23.000 I don't want them, and you know who else doesn't want them?

00:33:25.000 Everyone.

00:33:26.000 In a way, they kind of show the unity of Christmas.

00:33:29.000 Everyone agrees that this is a shitty present, and they don't want it in their house.

00:33:33.000 But the one from England, man, is pretty cool because you came from England.

00:33:36.000 Not the Lord.

00:33:38.000 Wales.

00:33:39.000 No, I didn't come from Wales, my pet Joe.

00:33:42.000 England.

00:33:43.000 England's a great country, man.

00:33:45.000 They got Dublin out there.

00:33:47.000 I mean, it's nuts, man.

00:33:49.000 So this is it for presents?

00:33:51.000 Actually, man, I got a couple more presents.

00:33:53.000 Not presents.

00:33:54.000 I'll just give them to you.

00:33:57.000 Simply the President of the United States got me stuff.

00:34:02.000 What a sweetie. 1.00

00:34:05.000 So this is in a bag.

00:34:15.000 From the container store, it looks like it's a misdirect.

00:34:19.000 Oh my stars.

00:34:20.000 Look at this.

00:34:20.000 Budweiser socks from the Malbone collection.

00:34:24.000 Now, Malbone is a designer who did this Budweiser golf line.

00:34:30.000 And it looks like that Ryan has found the keys to my heart and got the entire line.

00:34:39.000 The entire line.

00:34:41.000 Find your line.

00:34:42.000 Now, what do we think about this?

00:34:43.000 Budweiser sweatpants.

00:34:45.000 Look at this.

00:34:46.000 I can be a zip.

00:34:47.000 Yes.

00:34:48.000 I can be a WAP.

00:34:49.000 And they have pockets, too.

00:34:50.000 I made sure they had pockets.

00:34:51.000 You sure did.

00:34:52.000 There were some without.

00:34:53.000 And look at this.

00:34:56.000 Budweiser.

00:34:57.000 A sweater.

00:34:58.000 Sweatshirt.

00:35:00.000 That.

00:35:00.000 Now that's a good gift.

00:35:02.000 That's what I'm talking about.

00:35:03.000 Now I'm impressed.

00:35:04.000 Yep.

00:35:04.000 Ooh, it's hot in here.

00:35:06.000 There's a fire behind you.

00:35:09.000 Okay.

00:35:10.000 I got one more, and I guess I could do maybe a drum roll.

00:35:15.000 Because this one is kind of a big...

00:35:17.000 It's doozy, is it?

00:35:18.000 Drum roll.

00:35:19.000 Sound effects.

00:35:20.000 This is what Christmas is really about.

00:35:22.000 Looking at your presents, ordering them from good to bad.

00:35:26.000 Obviously, Mrs. Peacock being the worst. 1.00

00:35:30.000 And so far, the Budweiser track suit is the winner.

00:35:36.000 Oh, I thought that was you with Burt Keeling.

00:36:13.000 Oh, doesn't it end with a ping?

00:36:18.000 Okay, we've got a very large box here.

00:36:22.000 I've got to get my Arizona toothpick out and open this poppy up. 0.93

00:36:31.000 How much was this, Ryan?

00:36:33.000 I don't want to disclose.

00:36:35.000 This one did come out of pocket.

00:36:38.000 None of these are from Santa.

00:36:39.000 These are all from you?

00:36:40.000 Oh, no, they're all from, well, in my family, we do Santa Ryan, Santa Nana.

00:36:45.000 So we write Santa's name and then we write the person.

00:36:49.000 I saw that as a meme.

00:36:50.000 They go, Santa Denaya.

00:36:53.000 And Ben Shapiro goes, Santa brought me presents.

00:36:56.000 And the Santa Denay goes, where is that written?

00:36:58.000 And then Ben Shapiro goes, on the present.

00:37:01.000 It says, from Santa.

00:37:03.000 Whoa.

00:37:06.000 This is a doozy.

00:37:09.000 Oh my God.

00:37:13.000 It is the Malbone Budweiser correct.

00:37:17.000 Look at this thing.

00:37:19.000 Holy Tolede.

00:37:22.000 Ho, ho, holy Taleed. 0.65

00:37:25.000 This is, this might be the second greatest present I ever received after that baby monster got the bag from the 80s.

00:37:32.000 You know what's amazing about this?

00:37:33.000 The bag from the 80s is pretty heavy.

00:37:35.000 This feels really light.

00:37:38.000 Oh, that's the cover for the rainy day.

00:37:40.000 Look at this.

00:37:42.000 Folks.

00:37:43.000 Wow.

00:37:45.000 Today's episode is brought to you by Amheiser-Busch, Budweiser, the king of beers.

00:37:50.000 This weighs nothing.

00:37:51.000 This weighs like, I don't know, five pounds.

00:37:55.000 Does somebody say holy Tlaib? 0.94

00:37:59.000 This is pretty...

00:38:00.000 Oh, Tlaib Starks is here.

00:38:02.000 Ha.

00:38:02.000 What's up, Tlaib?

00:38:03.000 I heard you say holy Tlaib, and I said, that's my cute. 0.88

00:38:08.000 I think I said holy Toledo.

00:38:10.000 Oh.

00:38:10.000 All right.

00:38:11.000 Bye.

00:38:14.000 All right.

00:38:14.000 That's pretty good.

00:38:16.000 I'm pretty impressed.

00:38:18.000 Yeah.

00:38:18.000 Besides the pops, this was a pretty good Christmas haul.

00:38:23.000 I guess let's get your present now.

00:38:26.000 Yep.

00:38:26.000 I could.

00:38:27.000 All right.

00:38:28.000 I'm going to go into my office.

00:38:29.000 I'll follow you.

00:38:31.000 Follow me to my office.

00:38:33.000 I'm going to my office now.

00:38:35.000 Wait, hold on.

00:38:37.000 Oh, wait.

00:38:38.000 Okay.

00:38:39.000 Now we've got the button.

00:38:51.000 Ready to do the wall?

00:39:01.000 Budweiser stools you already have.

00:39:10.000 now that I have a Budweiser bag, golf bag, you just got yourself a Budweiser golf bag.

00:39:16.000 I don't really go already.

00:39:19.000 But that's nice of me to get you one that allows you to drift one.

00:39:28.000 So there's a variety of ideas here.

00:39:34.000 There it is.

00:39:37.000 Are you a finger skate park guy?

00:39:39.000 Maybe about 20 years ago.

00:39:40.000 Okay.

00:39:42.000 I know you like Mario Kart.

00:39:45.000 And like this.

00:39:46.000 I have that one.

00:39:48.000 That one I don't have, but I'm not interested, if no offense.

00:39:51.000 What about this?

00:39:51.000 We know you love golf.

00:39:53.000 Yeah, like I said, not into that game, but.

00:39:58.000 You are a chink. 1.00

00:39:59.000 Well, yes, that's true.

00:40:00.000 But I don't even know what this is.

00:40:02.000 I already have that because when we're done filming that, they gave us all one.

00:40:07.000 Oh, maybe it's what they're wearing?

00:40:10.000 I don't know what this is.

00:40:13.000 These are some ideas I had my assistant switch by.

00:40:16.000 And I thought, rather than wasting everyone's time, I'll see if you like them.

00:40:20.000 Holy shit, this broke.

00:40:22.000 Oh, look, I guess that wouldn't be appropriate to give me a broken gift.

00:40:30.000 And you don't.

00:40:31.000 And scoot no. 1.00

00:40:32.000 It hit my shin one time when I was trying to do a spinner route, and I could never get over it.

00:40:40.000 What about the peacemaker?

00:40:44.000 That's kind of cool.

00:40:47.000 Yeah, it zaps you.

00:40:49.000 Oh, I have one that has 98 million volts.

00:40:53.000 Oh.

00:40:54.000 That'd be kind of a downgrade.

00:40:55.000 Doesn't that kill someone?

00:40:57.000 97 million volts?

00:40:59.000 Like, isn't 110 volts really bad?

00:41:04.000 Okay.

00:41:05.000 Iron Gym.

00:41:07.000 Total upper body.

00:41:08.000 You're into upper body workouts?

00:41:10.000 Yeah, but I do go to the gym.

00:41:12.000 What about this?

00:41:13.000 A vintage Gucci suitcase.

00:41:16.000 That's not so bad.

00:41:18.000 Is that what you wanted to give me, though?

00:41:20.000 Yes.

00:41:21.000 Are you looking for something specific?

00:41:24.000 Because it looks like you're kind of meandering.

00:41:26.000 Hashtag January 6th.

00:41:30.000 I can't find it.

00:41:31.000 That's the issue.

00:41:32.000 Which is seven days away.

00:41:37.000 What about a putting machine?

00:41:39.000 Look at this.

00:41:40.000 Let me just show you how this works.

00:41:41.000 So you're telling me I could take this home?

00:41:43.000 Yes, it's yours.

00:41:46.000 Or maybe it's best if it was mine to just keep it here.

00:41:48.000 I misplaced your present, to be totally frank.

00:41:51.000 It was in a brown box.

00:41:52.000 Okay, well maybe we should get to finding instead of putting.

00:41:56.000 I don't want to be selfish, but this is the season to not do this.

00:42:03.000 Poop! 0.97

00:42:04.000 Okay.

00:42:05.000 Water trap.

00:42:06.000 Yep.

00:42:07.000 Okay, let's...

00:42:09.000 One key is you have to envision it happening.

00:42:12.000 So let's see this happening.

00:42:15.000 Okay, let's...

00:42:17.000 Maybe one more and then...

00:42:20.000 Everything happens in threes.

00:42:22.000 This isn't my usual putter, by the way.

00:42:25.000 You're slicing it.

00:42:27.000 For fuck's sakes.

00:42:30.000 It's an unforgiving sport, isn't it?

00:42:34.000 It's an unforgiving holiday if I don't get at least a little something here.

00:42:40.000 You're going to get a present.

00:42:42.000 Okay, it doesn't look as such.

00:42:47.000 Isn't it cool after you've opened your presents and there's like presents everywhere?

00:42:51.000 You feel like a daddy warbucks?

00:42:54.000 Wouldn't know.

00:42:59.000 Um.

00:43:03.000 It's alright.

00:43:03.000 Um, just uh next year, before my birthday comes up in April, let me text.

00:43:19.000 Not the one who's so far away when I feel the snake parting to my bird.

00:43:28.000 That's Mac?

00:43:31.000 It's alright.

00:43:32.000 Don't worry about it.

00:43:32.000 No, it's not all right, Ryan.

00:43:35.000 I got you something amazing.

00:43:39.000 Oh, I know where it might be.

00:43:45.000 Thank you guys for tuning in to the annual Secret Santa Censore TV.

00:44:04.000 Thank you everybody for tuning in and I hope you have nice gifts and you have a nice fun time.

00:44:16.000 And hopefully we've given you joy.

00:44:20.000 And maybe, you know, confirm what you have coming to you for Christmas before you get stuff for other people.

00:44:29.000 Not always, but if you kind of sussed out that somebody maybe doesn't care about you as much, then just go a little lighter on the gifts, I'd say.

00:44:43.000 And the people who you know will probably give you gifts instead of looking around their office trying to find one that's probably intended for somebody else.

00:44:51.000 So two people will be upset because one person gets a gift that wasn't meant for them and the other person gets a gift that was meant for them, not given to them.

00:45:00.000 So don't do that.

00:45:05.000 Censored.tv.

00:45:09.000 Christmas.

00:45:17.000 I was waiting for Gavin to send it off so we can hear some inspiring words of courageousness and inspiredness.

00:45:31.000 Might just be using the bathroom.

00:45:33.000 So we wait.

00:45:47.000 Uh oh, what?

00:45:50.000 Bad news.

00:45:51.000 What?

00:45:54.000 Oh! 0.60

00:45:54.000 I found it. 0.60

00:45:56.000 That looks hobbled together, but okay.

00:46:00.000 So Merry Christmas.

00:46:02.000 Alright.

00:46:04.000 Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

00:46:08.000 Do you want to open it there?

00:46:12.000 Do you want my Arizona toothpick?

00:46:16.000 Do you want this to open it?

00:46:17.000 I'll give it to you.

00:46:18.000 You can have this to open it.

00:46:20.000 Take it.

00:46:20.000 Jesus Christ.

00:46:22.000 Stop blaspheming Jesus Christ on his birthday.

00:46:24.000 You almost killed one of his creations.

00:46:27.000 Me.

00:46:28.000 Jesus made you?

00:46:30.000 Yes.

00:46:31.000 Not sure that's exactly how it goes, but okay.

00:46:34.000 So this looks hobbled together, but I'll just cut right through that bow.

00:46:39.000 Nope, that's not how things work in the world.

00:46:43.000 Now you have a hole where the bow was.

00:46:49.000 This is not a practical knife.

00:46:51.000 This is a sword.

00:46:53.000 I know, I left all my knives at home.

00:46:57.000 Or as they say in the hood, I left all my knives at home.

00:47:00.000 I think I could get it open.

00:47:02.000 Well, here, let's do the horizontal.

00:47:08.000 Alright.

00:47:09.000 Here's this gift.

00:47:11.000 Ooh.

00:47:12.000 Sounds like the box is too big.

00:47:15.000 Oh.

00:47:16.000 Is that real?

00:47:17.000 It's real.

00:47:19.000 No way.

00:47:20.000 But is this like a gag or I keep it?

00:47:22.000 That's yours to keep.

00:47:23.000 Now, this is from me, but it's also from censored TV.

00:47:27.000 This is your Christmas bonus.

00:47:29.000 This is everything.

00:47:31.000 And that's for you and the family.

00:47:32.000 So you were...

00:47:33.000 Wow.

00:47:34.000 Thank you.

00:47:36.000 I thought you were like, you literally didn't get me anything.

00:47:39.000 Oh, my God.

00:47:39.000 That's the Misdirect.

00:47:41.000 That is nice.

00:47:42.000 I'm going to hug you.

00:47:44.000 Thanks for watching.

00:47:46.000 You're a great work.

00:47:47.000 Appreciate you.

00:47:49.000 You're a good boy.

00:47:50.000 We joke around.

00:47:52.000 You quit.

00:47:53.000 You're fired.

00:47:54.000 We have our ups and downs.

00:47:57.000 Our highs and lows.

00:47:58.000 We have our highs and lows.

00:48:00.000 You give me your heart, and you can take my word.

00:48:05.000 Dude, that is so cool.

00:48:08.000 Just the kind of guy I am.

00:48:10.000 Amazing.

00:48:11.000 Amazing.

00:48:12.000 I really thought you got me like nothing because that was what it was looking like.

00:48:17.000 Dang.

00:48:18.000 Okay.

00:48:20.000 Merry Christmas.

00:48:21.000 Pretty cool, huh?

00:48:22.000 Yes.

00:48:23.000 Pretty exciting.

00:48:24.000 Amazing.

00:48:25.000 All right, folks.

00:48:26.000 That's our Christmas episode.

00:48:27.000 Merry Christmas, Ryan.

00:48:29.000 Merry Christmas to you all.

00:48:31.000 Enjoy yourselves.

00:48:31.000 Enjoy your families.

00:48:32.000 Let's relax and enjoy ourselves.

00:48:35.000 Christmas is about everything that everyone says it's about.

00:48:38.000 It's about the commercialization.

00:48:40.000 It's about the birth of Jesus.

00:48:41.000 It's about the family getting together.

00:48:42.000 It's all the same kit and caboodle.

00:48:45.000 The only important thing about it is that you enjoy it all and have a good time.

00:48:51.000 Cheers, guys.

00:48:52.000 See you on Monday.

Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - December 25, 2021

MERRY CHRISTMAS BABY MONSTERS!

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