Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - S03E99 - OBSTREPEROUS TRIFECTA

00:00:12.000 Oh, live from New York.

00:00:16.000 It's Get Off My Lawn with Gavin McGinnis.

00:00:25.000 God on my side and a gun in my hand.

00:00:30.000 Chasing my days down to zero.

00:00:36.000 And I marched and I fought and I'd led and I died.

00:00:42.000 And I never, you know what?

00:00:47.000 Let's.

00:00:48.000 I almost restarted the show because of that.

00:00:53.000 That was so disrespectful of me a little bit.

00:00:55.000 We're talking about the men who died, lost their lives in World War I. And I'm seeing if I'm fat.

00:01:03.000 Yeah.

00:01:04.000 This is Motorhead 1916.

00:01:06.000 Heard about it on our comments, on our site.

00:01:10.000 And I'd never heard it before.

00:01:12.000 What a great jam.

00:01:14.000 It's not a jam.

00:01:14.000 See, now I almost want to start it again.

00:01:17.000 A tribute.

00:01:18.000 A great tribute.

00:01:21.000 And this is a fan who put this together.

00:01:31.000 What the fuck was that war?

00:01:34.000 You shot some dude with a big mustache?

00:01:37.000 Archduke Ferdinand?

00:01:38.000 Okay.

00:01:40.000 Find the person who did it and send them to jail for murder.

00:01:43.000 Why does the whole world have to die?

00:01:45.000 Who was this guy?

00:01:47.000 Franz Ferdinand?

00:01:50.000 An indie band?

00:01:53.000 I don't get it.

00:01:55.000 I do not understand World War I at all.

00:01:58.000 So this was sent under the auspices of it's a crying song, right?

00:02:02.000 Like this is okay to tear at.

00:02:04.000 I agree.

00:02:05.000 And Lemmy's voice works really good under this.

00:02:08.000 Although World War I doesn't really make me cry because my brain can't handle it.

00:02:12.000 Right.

00:02:13.000 It looks black and white when you're thinking about it.

00:02:15.000 Yeah, it's World War II I can barely wrap my head around.

00:02:19.000 And then Vietnam, easy peasy. 0.98

00:02:21.000 Right.

00:02:22.000 Idiotic war, 60,000 people died.

00:02:24.000 Look at that.

00:02:25.000 I stopped it on that.

00:02:28.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:02:29.000 So I guess his fucking face is blown off.

00:02:31.000 It's a prosthetic face.

00:02:33.000 Like, he probably has no lower jaw.

00:02:35.000 You don't really need that outside of chewing.

00:02:39.000 And his nose is just a hole.

00:02:41.000 So they made that, you know, to prevent kids from crying.

00:02:48.000 Like Richard Harrow from Boardwalk Empire.

00:02:51.000 Yeah.

00:02:52.000 But real.

00:02:59.000 What was going on?

00:03:02.000 What are we doing?

00:03:05.000 Look at that.

00:03:06.000 Just carnage.

00:03:08.000 And again, how do you navigate?

00:03:11.000 Go over that hill.

00:03:12.000 I think we're in France.

00:03:15.000 Yeah.

00:03:15.000 Where the fuck are we?

00:03:16.000 Like, elegant.

00:03:17.000 All I see is mud and dead trees and cadavers.

00:03:21.000 How do you know where the fuck you are?

00:03:23.000 There's no landmarks.

00:03:24.000 Right.

00:03:25.000 Just mud.

00:03:27.000 Like, reading this history book, I'm like, how the fuck do they know to flank?

00:03:32.000 You know that book you're reading is for children?

00:03:34.000 Yes.

00:03:35.000 Well, it's a very third graders.

00:03:38.000 It's a very quick scoop of the world.

00:03:39.000 And then you look into it more.

00:03:42.000 Look at this.

00:03:43.000 Yeah, they teach it in grade school.

00:03:45.000 This is what Alexander the Great.

00:03:46.000 He did all this shit.

00:03:47.000 Yeah, but I wasn't paying attention to school.

00:03:48.000 I was like doodling and fingering.

00:03:50.000 You were fingering chicks in school? 1.00

00:03:52.000 No, myself.

00:03:54.000 Myself.

00:03:55.000 My buddies.

00:03:56.000 I've fucked 16-year-olds before.

00:03:59.000 When I was 16, I did that as well.

00:04:01.000 Yeah.

00:04:01.000 It sucked.

00:04:02.000 And last week, I...

00:04:03.000 I hated it.

00:04:04.000 Yeah.

00:04:04.000 Because they didn't like it.

00:04:06.000 Right.

00:04:06.000 They weren't like, yeah, oh, I know.

00:04:08.000 That's bugged out, right?

00:04:10.000 Yeah, there's a fine me.

00:04:12.000 There's a medium.

00:04:13.000 It was just like, uh-oh, uh-uh-uh-uh.

00:04:15.000 It took six hours to get in there.

00:04:17.000 I'm not exaggerating, of necking.

00:04:20.000 I don't know.

00:04:21.000 Until you got red around here, just from your skin is abrased.

00:04:26.000 So you look like a weird racist clown.

00:04:29.000 And your hand is...

00:04:31.000 In the 80s, women wore jeans so tight that they would bend a coat hanger and then abort the baby that got the no, they would bend a coat hanger and put it in their fly and then use that to pull up their fly. 1.00

00:04:43.000 All right.

00:04:44.000 It was Fort Fucking Nox.

00:04:47.000 I would get, what'd you call that?

00:04:49.000 Carpal tunnel syndrome from getting my hand down.

00:04:53.000 And then eventually I like would touch some pubes. 1.00

00:04:56.000 This is well covered in my book, Death of Cool.

00:05:01.000 And then you finally, like, finally have sex and it was so clinical.

00:05:08.000 And then she's talking and you're like, shut up, Janet.

00:05:13.000 So we found the clip that we were looking for the other day, but I had it wrong.

00:05:16.000 In my head, it was like, she's such a bitch. 1.00

00:05:18.000 Shut up, Janet. 1.00

00:05:19.000 And that's how it really is.

00:05:21.000 Yeah.

00:05:22.000 You made it funny when you misremember things, isn't it?

00:05:24.000 Punched up Louis C.K. In Rushmore, the little kid doesn't say, ah, it's a jellyfish.

00:05:31.000 She goes, it's a jellyfish.

00:05:34.000 Yeah.

00:05:35.000 And my wife and I, when we say it to each other, like we have neck pains.

00:05:39.000 We have to go get an ice pack after because we go, ah, it's a jellyfish.

00:05:44.000 Yeah.

00:05:46.000 It's a jellyfish.

00:05:49.000 Wow.

00:05:49.000 When I finally saw that after saying, he goes, oh, it's a jellyfish.

00:05:54.000 For years, I'm like, did they re-add this scene?

00:05:57.000 What did they do to the kid who said, it's a jellyfish?

00:06:00.000 Yeah.

00:06:04.000 There's definitely things like that.

00:06:08.000 I keep remembering it like, my son's on the cover of a magazine.

00:06:13.000 And it's nothing like that.

00:06:14.000 It isn't.

00:06:15.000 My son's on the cover of a magazine.

00:06:17.000 Oh, well, some things are just as...

00:06:19.000 Some things are exactly as you remember them.

00:06:21.000 You know what's funny?

00:06:22.000 When you hear about someone in Howard Stern and you just have to look them up, you're like, yeah.

00:06:27.000 That's about what I figured you looked like.

00:06:29.000 Like the first time I saw not Gary, but not Baba Booey. 0.98

00:06:35.000 Beetlejuice?

00:06:36.000 The ugly guy who writes all the stuff and is fat.

00:06:40.000 Oh, fuck, what's his name?

00:06:42.000 He's a staff member, not a whackpacker.

00:06:44.000 Oh.

00:06:45.000 But I looked him up and I went, yeah, yeah.

00:06:48.000 Benji?

00:06:49.000 Yeah, Benji.

00:06:49.000 Oh, Benji's gross.

00:06:50.000 When you see Benji, you're like, yeah, that's exactly what I thought you looked like.

00:06:54.000 Yeah.

00:06:55.000 Exactly.

00:06:56.000 Same with all these journalists who write shit about MAGA people.

00:06:59.000 Remember this phase?

00:07:01.000 Remember this phase?

00:07:02.000 Yeah.

00:07:03.000 No one could tell if he was kidding or not, including Benji.

00:07:07.000 What a fucking dick.

00:07:08.000 Yeah, he was probably serious about it, got laughed at, and then decided it was a joke.

00:07:12.000 Yeah.

00:07:13.000 But yeah.

00:07:14.000 That's what you imagine.

00:07:15.000 Look up Debbie the Cum Lady. 1.00

00:07:16.000 There's a woman on Stern who's obsessed with ingesting semen, and I've never seen her before, but I can picture her. 1.00

00:07:26.000 Wow, she's old.

00:07:28.000 This seems to be her younger, Debbie Gibson.

00:07:31.000 No.

00:07:32.000 Oh, Debbie Gibson is a famous woman, yes.

00:07:34.000 That's not her. 0.97

00:07:35.000 Yeah, that's her. 0.60

00:07:37.000 Not a lot of pics of her.

00:07:38.000 That's not how I pictured her at all.

00:07:40.000 This is not supporting my argument.

00:07:41.000 This is Debbie the Pet Lady. 1.00

00:07:42.000 She's more of a tan mom. 0.69

00:07:43.000 This is Debbie the Pet Lady. 1.00

00:07:45.000 Wait, that's Debbie the Pet Lady you just showed, dumbass. 1.00

00:07:48.000 What did you Google?

00:07:48.000 Debbie the Cum Lady.

00:07:50.000 Are you sure Debbie is the name?

00:07:52.000 Just look up Cum Lady. 1.00

00:07:53.000 How is it?

00:07:53.000 Whatever.

00:07:57.000 Cum Lady.

00:07:57.000 Do you know how to spell cum?

00:07:59.000 Of course.

00:08:00.000 I'm going to say that.

00:08:01.000 I mean, next time I'm in bed with my wife when I'm coming to the end, I'll be like, do you know how to spell cum?

00:08:06.000 This is Debbie the Cum Lady. 0.99

00:08:07.000 But that's the super tan lady. 1.00

00:08:09.000 That's not Debbie the Cum Lady. 1.00

00:08:11.000 That's Tan Mom. 1.00

00:08:12.000 God, you suck at everything. 0.86

00:08:13.000 I mean, the world time.

00:08:13.000 The internet sucks.

00:08:14.000 Oh, there's Debbie the Cum Lady. 1.00

00:08:16.000 That's exactly how I pictured her.

00:08:19.000 That's exactly how I pictured her.

00:08:23.000 Geez, that's weird.

00:08:24.000 Hey, God, can you...

00:08:25.000 We got to get God on this show.

00:08:27.000 I know.

00:08:27.000 I have so many questions for him.

00:08:29.000 Technically, he is on the show.

00:08:30.000 He's all around us and within us.

00:08:32.000 God, why is it that when you hear someone on a radio show and you look them up, they look exactly like what you thought they would be?

00:08:41.000 Although, I got to say, Brooklyn, Debbie from Brooklyn or whatever her name is on Howard Stern, the one who caused, but that caused like a crow, she's much more attractive than Debbie from Brooklyn, I think her name is. 1.00

00:08:59.000 Okay, I got a Mary Ann from Brooklyn. 0.89

00:09:01.000 Mary Ann from Brooklyn, yeah. 0.76

00:09:02.000 Mary Ann from Brooklyn is much more attractive than you'd think, although she does not look great there. 0.99

00:09:07.000 Sorry, folks.

00:09:08.000 Tangent time.

00:09:08.000 Anyway, back to the show.

00:09:10.000 I've mentioned this book many times.

00:09:12.000 It's a vuggin masterpiece, The Worm in the Apple, Peter Brimelow.

00:09:16.000 He breaks down public education and why it sucks.

00:09:18.000 And it basically sucks because the unions are too strong.

00:09:21.000 And unions are socialists, and unions ruin everything.

00:09:25.000 Sure, they may have had a case.

00:09:27.000 Oh, that reminds me.

00:09:29.000 I should read a letter from my granddad at the mailbag.

00:09:34.000 We got a packed show today.

00:09:37.000 My grandfather was a socialist, and my cousin sent me a letter he wrote to his MP.

00:09:43.000 And so unions may have had a point during the Industrial Revolution when there was child labor, you know, that book, Concrete Jungle or whatever, about the meat packing district in New York, St. Clair, whatever his name was.

00:09:55.000 Sure, maybe when there's extreme corruption in capitalism, you need a union to correct it.

00:10:02.000 But I think the free market would correct that eventually anyway.

00:10:04.000 Workers' conditions would improve.

00:10:06.000 They just go somewhere else where there was better conditions.

00:10:09.000 Yeah, that's it, the jungle.

00:10:11.000 But those days are long gone.

00:10:12.000 And I love to see these anarchists talk about workers' rights, and they have like a sledgehammer with Carhartt overalls and the old peaky blinders fucking cap.

00:10:21.000 And it's like, A, you couldn't last a day in their shoes.

00:10:25.000 You couldn't last a day in today's modern tradesman's shoes.

00:10:28.000 And B, those unions are a thing of the past.

00:10:31.000 Now it's like for, like Vice almost got shut down by a union, journalist union, the Vice Union, where they wanted to pay for bottom surgery for some of their trans journalists.

00:10:43.000 That's probably only $150,000.

00:10:45.000 Yeah, we got that money lying around.

00:10:46.000 Let's everyone get bottom surgery and then get sued when you regret it. 0.88

00:10:50.000 So anyway, the teachers' unions are the strongest union on Capitol Hill on either side.

00:11:00.000 Bigger than the NRA, way 10 times the size of the NRA.

00:11:03.000 Bigger than big tobacco, big pharma.

00:11:05.000 It's teachers' unions.

00:11:07.000 And they're ruining education.

00:11:08.000 The only hope for education in this country, besides homeschooling, is charter schools, where you sort of privatize education.

00:11:16.000 And you know how I feel about education here on the show?

00:11:20.000 I think it's gay. 1.00

00:11:22.000 In the sense that...

00:11:25.000 If you are a nerd and you're really good at chemistry and you want to be a biochemist, by all means, pursue that.

00:11:34.000 You represent less than 1% of the population, but do it. 1.00

00:11:39.000 This fucking bullshit that everyone needs to be educated is so stupid.

00:11:46.000 When my dad was a young man, 5% of his peers, of his generation, went on to further education.

00:11:52.000 That's about right.

00:11:54.000 5% are nerdy enough to get something out of college.

00:11:57.000 The rest of you are just playing house.

00:12:00.000 And then you get a job where you're playing journalist, like this Tess Owen article about the Proud Boys we'll get into later on, where she spelt my name wrong 10 times and also spelt it right.

00:12:10.000 That's how you tell someone shouldn't be a journalist when they spell names wrong.

00:12:16.000 But yeah, he just basically goes on to show that the teachers' unions are essentially mafia.

00:12:24.000 And they run education like a mafia.

00:12:26.000 And the children's, what's best for the children is Peter Brimlow has been canceled by the woke squad because he said things like, diversity isn't necessarily our strength.

00:12:36.000 And he did V-Dare, which is an anti-immigration site.

00:12:38.000 So he'll never write a book again.

00:12:40.000 And his books, Alien Nation about immigration and The Worm and the Apple are, I think, the best two books I've ever read.

00:12:47.000 He's an absolute fucking genius.

00:12:50.000 Although, when you hang out with him, it gets annoying because his hearing sucks.

00:12:57.000 And he literally goes like this.

00:12:59.000 He's like, my dad, You have to say everything twice.

00:13:04.000 And then they get offended when you say it, not Peter, but my parents, get offended when you say it loud the first time.

00:13:11.000 So I go, We're gonna go to the pub.

00:13:13.000 Would you like to come?

00:13:14.000 Yes, all right, I can hear you.

00:13:16.000 But if I go, we're gonna pub, you wanna come?

00:13:19.000 Hey, Sonny!

00:13:21.000 We're going to the pub.

00:13:22.000 Would you like to come?

00:13:23.000 They're fucked, by the way, my parents.

00:13:25.000 What do you mean?

00:13:27.000 They're in your bad boat?

00:13:28.000 They tried to outsmart the system.

00:13:30.000 The system is you fly in and you pay two grand to a hotel while they wait for your results.

00:13:35.000 You can skip town, but you have to pay the two grand in advance.

00:13:38.000 Right.

00:13:39.000 It's a bullshit, bureaucratic fine.

00:13:41.000 There's no way around it.

00:13:42.000 Yes, there is.

00:13:44.000 I'm going to go to Buffalo, then order a limousine from Toronto to pick me.

00:13:49.000 No, they're not doing that anymore.

00:13:51.000 All right.

00:13:51.000 I'm going to have your friend Bill drive me to the border in Ogdensburg, and then I'm going to walk over the bridge.

00:14:01.000 First of all, my friend Bill is a vet.

00:14:05.000 He's a hustler.

00:14:06.000 He grew up in the Bronx.

00:14:08.000 He's ratzo rizzo, but successful at scams.

00:14:13.000 We call him unreliable.

00:14:15.000 So I don't think you're going to make it to the border, first of all.

00:14:21.000 Secondly, you're not allowed to walk over the bridge anymore.

00:14:24.000 Look it up.

00:14:25.000 What about Wroxham Road?

00:14:27.000 What's that?

00:14:28.000 Wroxham Road.

00:14:28.000 I did the report for Rebel, where it's like that's where all the immigrants come in.

00:14:32.000 They carry your bag for you.

00:14:33.000 They just have to say they're Mexican immigrants.

00:14:36.000 Oh, yeah.

00:14:37.000 It's called non-white privilege.

00:14:40.000 White privilege is a myth. 0.90

00:14:42.000 Every other privilege is not.

00:14:44.000 Can they speak Spanish?

00:14:46.000 Here's a rule.

00:14:46.000 If there's a name for it, it's bullshit.

00:14:49.000 There's no such thing as black privilege.

00:15:00.000 No one talks about black privilege.

00:15:01.000 That's because it's real.

00:15:04.000 They talk about white privilege all the time.

00:15:05.000 That's because it's fake.

00:15:08.000 Speaking of my parents, by the way, I am getting bored of how annoying my dad is when he gets angry about stuff.

00:15:16.000 When he's in a bad mood, he's very irritable.

00:15:18.000 You know what makes him irritable?

00:15:20.000 Food.

00:15:22.000 He's drinks so much beer that his body can only process the empty calories of beer.

00:15:27.000 So if he has a cheese sandwich, I mentioned this yesterday, right?

00:15:29.000 He's dead to the world for like an hour.

00:15:32.000 And if you get him in that time, you're going to get a fight.

00:15:35.000 Or if you get him late at night after like nine beers, he goes from a good drunk to a bad drunk.

00:15:41.000 And it was at this point I decided to pretend that I think that Prince Philip was King Philip and that the queen's husband is the king.

00:15:51.000 Makes sense.

00:15:53.000 And I decided I was going to use a chessboard as my fact checker.

00:15:58.000 And this was purely 100% to antagonize the old man.

00:16:02.000 Luckily, I got it on tape for you to enjoy.

00:16:05.000 Take it away, me.

00:16:09.000 The husband of the queen is clearly the king.

00:16:14.000 So the king just died.

00:16:16.000 Okay, I'm sorry.

00:16:17.000 Look at a chess table.

00:16:18.000 There's a king and the queen.

00:16:20.000 The guy next to the queen is the king.

00:16:24.000 Okay, look, I'm not going to argue with you because you don't know.

00:16:29.000 I'm educating you.

00:16:31.000 Prince Philip was not King Philip.

00:16:34.000 Prince Philip was the queen's consort.

00:16:38.000 Consort.

00:16:39.000 There was a queen of England, not the king of England, the queen of England.

00:16:46.000 Was she his husband?

00:16:47.000 Yes.

00:16:49.000 Is the son of the queen not about to become the king?

00:16:52.000 It wasn't the son.

00:16:53.000 She's not the son.

00:16:54.000 I know he's not the son, but like Prince Harry or whatever, they're about to become kings.

00:17:00.000 And he is a son.

00:17:05.000 King.

00:17:06.000 His wife is not going to be the queen of England.

00:17:14.000 I didn't know that.

00:17:15.000 What?

00:17:15.000 Makes sense, though.

00:17:16.000 I'm not going to argue with you, honey.

00:17:19.000 You agree that Prince Philip was the king of England?

00:17:21.000 Absolutely not.

00:17:22.000 Don't be bucking, stupid.

00:17:24.000 Look at him on your fucking computer.

00:17:27.000 Jesus Christ.

00:17:29.000 This is an incredible dumb.

00:17:32.000 Prince Philip, look at Prince Philip.

00:17:35.000 He was the Queen's consort.

00:17:37.000 He was the King of England, Dad.

00:17:39.000 Oh.

00:17:40.000 He's the husband of the Queen.

00:17:42.000 Look at a chessboard.

00:17:44.000 It's nothing to do with a chessboard, you fucking ass.

00:17:48.000 The guy sitting next to the Queen is the king.

00:17:51.000 No.

00:17:52.000 No, on a chessboard?

00:17:53.000 Yeah.

00:17:54.000 And not on the throne of England.

00:17:57.000 Look it up on your fucking chessboard.

00:17:58.000 So who's the king then?

00:17:59.000 Was she having an affair?

00:18:01.000 No king.

00:18:02.000 She was fucking someone behind his back? 1.00

00:18:05.000 Was it a king when Queen Elizabeth was a queen?

00:18:09.000 No.

00:18:10.000 Who was her husband?

00:18:13.000 Actually, she didn't have a fucking husband. 1.00

00:18:16.000 Look up Prince Philip and see if he was...

00:18:20.000 What was his title?

00:18:22.000 Okay, I'm looking it up right now.

00:18:23.000 He thinks I'm just holding my phone and not filming.

00:18:25.000 Queen's consort.

00:18:28.000 I'm looking it up now.

00:18:30.000 Queen of England, Queen Elizabeth, I think it's a...

00:18:34.000 What does it say here?

00:18:36.000 Fifth or whatever.

00:18:38.000 King of England, Prince Philip.

00:18:41.000 It doesn't say that.

00:18:42.000 You're not Prince Philip.

00:18:45.000 It doesn't say that on your own.

00:18:47.000 I am the Prince King.

00:18:48.000 I'm not using that.

00:18:49.000 Look at him while you're looking at the thing.

00:18:51.000 You just...

00:18:51.000 There.

00:18:52.000 Yeah.

00:18:53.000 I think it's a...

00:18:54.000 What does it say here?

00:18:55.000 Stupid.

00:18:55.000 What does it say here?

00:18:56.000 He looks like Abe Lincoln, doesn't he?

00:18:58.000 Wow.

00:18:58.000 Yes, he does.

00:19:00.000 Yeah, he does.

00:19:02.000 King of England, Prince Philip.

00:19:05.000 It doesn't say that.

00:19:06.000 You're a liar.

00:19:09.000 It doesn't say that on your fucking computer.

00:19:12.000 I'm not using a computer.

00:19:13.000 I'm on a phone.

00:19:14.000 Yeah, it's a computer for fuck's sake.

00:19:17.000 Look it up and say, whatever.

00:19:20.000 See what they say about Prince Philip's death.

00:19:24.000 They don't say King Philip's death.

00:19:26.000 They say Prince Philip's death, you fucking asshole.

00:19:30.000 They said the King of England died today.

00:19:33.000 No, they didn't say that.

00:19:35.000 A lot of websites, Daily Mail said that.

00:19:38.000 Breitbart said that.

00:19:39.000 I'd like to see that.

00:19:41.000 Okay.

00:19:45.000 You piece of shitty.

00:19:46.000 You lying piece of shit.

00:19:52.000 Right here.

00:19:53.000 Look.

00:19:55.000 The king of England is Prince Philip.

00:20:04.000 Good times.

00:20:04.000 This is the greatest video ever.

00:20:06.000 That's the only way you can suffer fools gladly.

00:20:10.000 What a little shit you are, huh?

00:20:12.000 You fucking gashole.

00:20:15.000 You fucking gashole.

00:20:16.000 Oh, it's confusing that woman I fucked from Malta. 0.63

00:20:19.000 With your dad, yeah.

00:20:20.000 Yeah.

00:20:21.000 When I was ejaculating, she said to me with her Maltese accent, she goes, oh, you are calming in that pussy, you fucking gashole. 1.00

00:20:29.000 No, we don't know if that's really how she said it.

00:20:32.000 She could have said that if I go back to my mind.

00:20:33.000 I mean, you're my pussy. 1.00

00:20:34.000 My pussy, by the way, fucking out. 0.57

00:20:36.000 She's Germanic.

00:20:37.000 She's a fucking gashole. 1.00

00:20:40.000 She's trying to talk dirty, but it doesn't work in Malta. 1.00

00:20:43.000 It's just actually dirty.

00:20:44.000 You know why she was in Montreal?

00:20:45.000 She wanted to divorce her husband, and it's basically Islam there, but Catholicism.

00:20:50.000 It's that devout.

00:20:52.000 And the only way you can get a divorce is if you've been away from the country for at least a year.

00:20:56.000 So she just came to Montreal and was a fucking absolute. 0.97

00:21:01.000 Let me fuck you with my heels on, yeah. 1.00

00:21:05.000 Let's go through the paper because it's a good day.

00:21:08.000 Bernie's dead.

00:21:09.000 Bernie's dead.

00:21:09.000 Bernie Madoff.

00:21:11.000 He made off with all the money.

00:21:13.000 My buddy and Leslie and I would collect guys like that.

00:21:17.000 Bernie Madoff.

00:21:19.000 He made off with all the money.

00:21:20.000 There was the Jamaican dude, Dude's Coke. 1.00

00:21:23.000 What did he do?

00:21:24.000 He was the biggest Coke killer in Jamaica. 0.68

00:21:26.000 And his name is Dude is, as in Dude Has.

00:21:29.000 Coke.

00:21:30.000 Wow.

00:21:30.000 That's his real name.

00:21:31.000 It's amazing.

00:21:33.000 There's a bunch of those.

00:21:36.000 Everyone's excited about this stupid robot.

00:21:39.000 You know how I feel about robots.

00:21:41.000 They're fucking lame.

00:21:42.000 They don't exist.

00:21:44.000 This dog will achieve nothing but front page media coverage.

00:21:49.000 It's just like that stupid robot with half a head that goes to the United Nations and does pre-programmed animatronics that people say are answering questions.

00:21:58.000 Hi, what do you think is important about the UN?

00:22:01.000 I think the UN can build bridges with different nationalities and bring us together as a whole.

00:22:07.000 I'm at fucking Chuck E. Cheese.

00:22:12.000 Oh, I used to hate that on Red Eye when we talk about robots.

00:22:16.000 So is everyone going to have their own personal robot?

00:22:18.000 Yes, in two million years.

00:22:21.000 Let's cross that bridge when we come to it, shall we?

00:22:24.000 Oh, but it can smile.

00:22:27.000 So can a picture of a fucking smile.

00:22:31.000 Ugh, so stupid.

00:22:33.000 What is this thing going to do?

00:22:36.000 Even when it's a hostage situation and they send in that wheelie thing, he just gets mad and shoots it.

00:22:41.000 It's not like it goes, hey, can you please put the hostages down?

00:22:45.000 That's called RoboCop.

00:22:47.000 Get robots out your mind.

00:22:49.000 And here's another thing that's within the same category.

00:22:52.000 The robots that we do have suck absolute shit.

00:22:56.000 Like, not the human ones now.

00:22:59.000 The Zumba Roomba thing.

00:23:01.000 It takes like seven hours to do this much work.

00:23:06.000 You can sweep your whole kitchen in 12 to 30 seconds.

00:23:12.000 Scoop it up, throw it in the garbage.

00:23:14.000 The Roomba is there all day.

00:23:17.000 It's so, and it's loud as shit, too.

00:23:20.000 If your neighbors upstairs have a Roomba, you hear all about it.

00:23:24.000 Look at this wasted battery power.

00:23:26.000 Just drain the battery.

00:23:28.000 I thought you were all worried about the environment, you fucking liberals.

00:23:34.000 It's about the only thing that's good for.

00:23:35.000 That's two things that should have been aborted.

00:23:38.000 Just kidding.

00:23:39.000 I'm pro-life.

00:23:42.000 And a dishwasher I've been thinking about.

00:23:44.000 My dishwasher takes like two hours.

00:23:47.000 And 95% of the dishes are clean.

00:23:50.000 The glasses.

00:23:52.000 You could do the...

00:23:52.000 How long does it take to do the dishes?

00:23:54.000 A dishwasher's amount of dishes takes you 17 minutes.

00:24:02.000 It takes that stupid machine two hours.

00:24:04.000 So I guess what I'm saying is I hate robots and I'm not even impressed with machines for the most part.

00:24:10.000 Now, a fridge is incredible technology.

00:24:12.000 That I'll give you.

00:24:14.000 But like these things that do your job, they don't do it better.

00:24:19.000 Anyway, sorry.

00:24:20.000 I'm very sensitive to robots.

00:24:22.000 What the fuck is that?

00:24:24.000 That's got to be nips. 1.00

00:24:26.000 That's you people.

00:24:28.000 I think so.

00:24:29.000 That's not more efficient.

00:24:31.000 Yeah, what if there's cheese on there or some shit?

00:24:34.000 Yeah, that's not efficient.

00:24:36.000 Yeah, I hand wash.

00:24:38.000 Well, of course you do.

00:24:39.000 You don't have a dishwasher.

00:24:40.000 I do.

00:24:41.000 You do?

00:24:42.000 Yep.

00:24:42.000 I just never use it.

00:24:43.000 I'm a hand washer.

00:24:44.000 Have you ever used it?

00:24:45.000 Nope.

00:24:46.000 Shit's gay. 1.00

00:24:48.000 I don't trust you, Ryan.

00:24:49.000 I swear to God.

00:24:50.000 I think you haven't used it because you're too lazy to get the pods for it.

00:24:53.000 I get pods for other things.

00:24:54.000 I used to get Tide Pods, but then I figured they were...

00:24:57.000 You ate them all.

00:24:59.000 Yes, so.

00:24:59.000 That's a bit of a...

00:25:00.000 Not all of them, actually.

00:25:02.000 So yeah, stupid story about robots.

00:25:05.000 Oh, CNN, death cells, where they always make sure they have the... 0.98

00:25:09.000 We talked about this on Kumia's show yesterday.

00:25:14.000 Oh, that's kind of a bitch move that I called it Kumia's show. 1.00

00:25:17.000 That's like saying President Harris when Biden would say President Harris.

00:25:21.000 Our show with Compound.

00:25:23.000 Compound censored.

00:25:25.000 Madoff is dead.

00:25:26.000 You know, Tacky, Tacky Mag, Tacky Theodore Acropolis, friend of mine, is fairly anti-Semitic, I would have to say.

00:25:36.000 He's not the same kind of Zionist the G-Dog is. 1.00

00:25:39.000 And I remember when Bernie Madoff was getting big.

00:25:42.000 By the way, Tacky is one of the greatest people ever.

00:25:45.000 I disagree with his views on Judaism, but so what?

00:25:48.000 You're allowed to disagree with your friends.

00:25:50.000 But he's old money.

00:25:53.000 When he was on his boat in the south of France, I believe, he'd see these people who were tech rich or whatever, and he would get up on his boat and he would drive near them and then get on the front and go, in French, he'd say, You're nouveau riche, vousette nouveau riche,

00:26:09.000 you're nouveau riche, he'd scream at them.

00:26:12.000 Or one time, we've told this story a million times.

00:26:15.000 See, this is that was a better era, the tacky days when he was considered a bon vivant, an enfant terribe.

00:26:24.000 He's going through customs with a ton of Coke.

00:26:28.000 And they go, okay, you're good to go.

00:26:31.000 And he goes, oh, you checked, okay, this was the bag.

00:26:33.000 Good thing you didn't check that bag.

00:26:35.000 And they go, what'd you just say?

00:26:36.000 Nothing.

00:26:37.000 Now, maybe we will check that bag.

00:26:39.000 What the fuck is this?

00:26:40.000 No.

00:26:41.000 That's Coke.

00:26:42.000 Oh, no.

00:26:42.000 So he went to jail for like two years.

00:26:46.000 And they go, what did you think of that?

00:26:49.000 That must have been hell for you.

00:26:50.000 Someone who's used to living life, the lifestyles of the rich and famous.

00:26:54.000 He goes, I liked it.

00:26:56.000 He said, I recognized some from the boxing gym.

00:27:00.000 I recognized some of my friends there.

00:27:02.000 What a cool ass dude.

00:27:03.000 He's the best.

00:27:05.000 And he has a fun and crazy magazine where the likes of you and God could write.

00:27:09.000 One of the first things he ever said to me, he says, do you remember Liberace?

00:27:15.000 What did he say?

00:27:18.000 Roses are red, violets are blue.

00:27:20.000 If Liberace liked chicks, he wouldn't have died of AIDS or something.

00:27:25.000 Oh, fuck, I ruined it, but it was funny and it rhymed.

00:27:28.000 And it was about Liberace, which shouldn't have been a fag. 1.00

00:27:31.000 He said, me and my friends, we were called boomerangs in New York because we would go to Harlem to get Coke.

00:27:38.000 And the blacks there, they called us boomerangs because we'd go up, get the Coke, and go back down.

00:27:45.000 Anyway, when Bernie Madoff came out, he said, there he is.

00:27:51.000 Do you have him talking?

00:27:55.000 No, this is an animated article.

00:27:58.000 I hate those things.

00:27:59.000 Pointless.

00:28:00.000 I hate robots.

00:28:01.000 I hate animated articles.

00:28:03.000 And I hate life hacks.

00:28:04.000 On Thursday, a man was found with five bags of coins.

00:28:08.000 Here's how you can make a shelf in a shelf using rubber bands and thumbtacks.

00:28:15.000 And so he saw Bernie Madoff and he's like, fucking Jews. 1.00

00:28:19.000 It's called an affinity scheme because what Madoff was doing is he was only taking Jews.

00:28:24.000 And so they feel safe and they go, oh, good.

00:28:26.000 A fellow Jew has a thing. 0.64

00:28:28.000 I can trust him.

00:28:28.000 He's one of the chosen ones.

00:28:29.000 He's one of our people.

00:28:30.000 So we're going to get in it.

00:28:31.000 But Tacky smells a rat.

00:28:33.000 And he's like, not a rat, actually.

00:28:34.000 He didn't sless this correctly.

00:28:36.000 He goes, the Jews have a thing going on.

00:28:38.000 I want in.

00:28:39.000 There's big money there.

00:28:41.000 And I believe he lost $7 million because he was trying to catch the Jews doing their secret money stuff. 1.00

00:28:47.000 And he goes, I'm in.

00:28:49.000 And he got fucked.

00:28:53.000 So that's some stuff.

00:28:55.000 Meet R2NYDP. 0.93

00:28:57.000 The truth about cops and racism.

00:28:59.000 Yes.

00:28:59.000 This was a funny article about Joey Ramon's little brother who's kept all the stuff in his apartment and all the cool stuff that's there.

00:29:07.000 And you look at it.

00:29:07.000 It's all utter shit.

00:29:10.000 Some of his sunglasses, a drawing of him, and his old report card and a shitty old acoustic guitar.

00:29:18.000 No, thanks.

00:29:19.000 Don't give me those things.

00:29:21.000 I don't want your treasures.

00:29:22.000 They're garbage.

00:29:26.000 One man's trash is another man's treasure, or it's just trash. 0.63

00:29:29.000 The glasses are the only cool thing about it.

00:29:32.000 And they're kind of cool.

00:29:34.000 Right.

00:29:35.000 Like, do you want those?

00:29:36.000 No.

00:29:36.000 They're probably a million dollars.

00:29:38.000 Do you want me to spend a million dollars so you can have Joey Ramones in your shithole apartment in the fag zone piled in all your garbage? 1.00

00:29:46.000 I'll put it in my dishwasher.

00:29:48.000 Jeff Hyman.

00:29:49.000 I didn't know.

00:29:51.000 This was an interesting article about OnlyFans, the new sexual revolution.

00:29:55.000 This ugly bitch, Sonia Fisher from Real Housewives, is the number four most popular one. 1.00

00:30:01.000 And you know what?

00:30:02.000 I don't really have a problem with some old bags.

00:30:04.000 She's 57, selling her sexuality. 0.98

00:30:06.000 Fine.

00:30:06.000 No one wants to fuck you anyway.

00:30:08.000 But young girls, if you're on OnlyFans, you're whores. 1.00

00:30:12.000 And dads, if your daughter's on OnlyFans, you failed.

00:30:15.000 Your job was to keep them off the poll.

00:30:17.000 That's the digital poll.

00:30:18.000 You fucked up.

00:30:19.000 You're a failure.

00:30:21.000 And finally, the reason I'm going through the paper is because I didn't want to miss this story.

00:30:24.000 It's not in the notes, but a tear for Colton reveals, I'm gay.

00:30:31.000 Wait a minute here.

00:30:32.000 See how easy the New York Post is?

00:30:34.000 Imagine this was the New York Times.

00:30:36.000 The New York Post is contained.

00:30:37.000 You can be on the train.

00:30:39.000 You're not hurting anyone.

00:30:40.000 You're not in anyone's way.

00:30:41.000 The Times, you're like this.

00:30:42.000 Fuck you.

00:30:43.000 I have a parasail.

00:30:44.000 I'm better than you.

00:30:46.000 The Post is, I'm going to mind my own business.

00:30:48.000 Anyway, Bachelor comes out.

00:30:49.000 This guy's a hero because he wasted everyone's fucking time.

00:30:53.000 Yeah.

00:30:54.000 He's a queer who always knew he was gay. 0.99

00:30:57.000 He's not coming out.

00:30:58.000 He wanted to be on the TV.

00:30:59.000 This happens all the time.

00:31:01.000 And what annoys me about these guys who come out is no one gives them shit.

00:31:07.000 Like, hey, you wasted all of this money, all of the contestants' time.

00:31:12.000 Like the sound guy on that show, you wasted his fucking time.

00:31:16.000 It's like that.

00:31:17.000 There was some Australian dude or British guy who came out after three kids and a wife.

00:31:22.000 And he's like, I'm gay.

00:31:23.000 And everyone's like, good for you.

00:31:25.000 Didn't you rape your wife then? 1.00

00:31:28.000 She didn't know she was having sex with a fag. 1.00

00:31:29.000 True.

00:31:30.000 You did the Houdini.

00:31:31.000 Yeah, like fucking Bruce Jenner.

00:31:33.000 He was raping a woman for decades. 0.98

00:31:36.000 Because he was a woman. 0.63

00:31:38.000 She was having lesbian sex. 1.00

00:31:40.000 And she didn't know.

00:31:42.000 And he was using Caitlin Jenner's dick to do it, which is rude.

00:31:46.000 Yeah.

00:31:47.000 I wouldn't fuck you with Caitlin Jenner's dick. 1.00

00:31:50.000 I would.

00:31:51.000 Oh, God, that just reminded me of how tight Brian Stettler's wife's pussy is. 1.00

00:31:54.000 Oh, my.

00:31:55.000 It's brand new.

00:31:55.000 It's factory reset.

00:31:58.000 Good luck.

00:32:01.000 You couldn't last 10 seconds, fucking Brian Stettler's wife. 1.00

00:32:03.000 It feels too good.

00:32:04.000 It still has the tags on it.

00:32:06.000 I think it might have sealed back up again, like a wound.

00:32:10.000 If it wasn't for her going pee.

00:32:12.000 Right.

00:32:12.000 Do they have kids?

00:32:14.000 How big are his kids, this tall?

00:32:17.000 They could only fit it.

00:32:18.000 They're all flat.

00:32:19.000 They have to come out prematurely.

00:32:20.000 They have to come out at four weeks.

00:32:22.000 They're regular size?

00:32:23.000 They don't live.

00:32:24.000 They're six feet tall, but they're flat.

00:32:26.000 They're about a centimeter thin.

00:32:28.000 Oh my God.

00:32:29.000 Was your son run over by a Steamroller?

00:32:30.000 No.

00:32:31.000 My wife has an incredibly tight pussy, so my kids look like panini sandwiches. 1.00

00:32:36.000 They're 2D.

00:32:38.000 My children are paper.

00:32:40.000 Where, uh, or does he have kids?

00:32:43.000 Yeah.

00:32:43.000 Let me see them.

00:32:45.000 Let's see.

00:32:45.000 Although, we don't always show kids on the show.

00:32:47.000 Well, they're nobody's gonna do anything bad to their kids.

00:32:49.000 So they're kind of funny how they black out kids' eyes when they're like babies and one. 0.93

00:32:54.000 There he is.

00:32:54.000 What am I gonna do?

00:32:55.000 Bump into you?

00:32:56.000 Hey, I recognize you.

00:32:57.000 You're that baby.

00:32:58.000 You're that baby from the TV.

00:33:01.000 Said no one ever.

00:33:03.000 How did that poor thing get out of there? 0.94

00:33:06.000 Yep.

00:33:06.000 What an accomplishment.

00:33:08.000 Well, if you turn the camera sideways, like I said, it's just a line.

00:33:13.000 Yeah.

00:33:14.000 She can just hold him in a briefcase.

00:33:17.000 Also in the news, Heidi Montag wore a bikini.

00:33:23.000 I thought that you might want to know about that.

00:33:25.000 I was stunned to discover...

00:33:26.000 No, this is in our notes.

00:33:27.000 We're back to the notes.

00:33:28.000 One, two.

00:33:31.000 I was surprised to see she's 34.

00:33:35.000 Yeah.

00:33:36.000 Doesn't she look like a MILF? 1.00

00:33:38.000 Yeah.

00:33:39.000 She looks way older.

00:33:40.000 She looks like a 48-year-old who really kept it together.

00:33:44.000 Yeah, like if Gigi Gorgis was like an actual chick. 1.00

00:33:46.000 Yeah.

00:33:47.000 And it's because of the nose job.

00:33:49.000 Look at that.

00:33:50.000 What have you done to your fucking face, all woman in California? 1.00

00:33:55.000 Don't do that.

00:33:57.000 How about her friend, though?

00:33:59.000 Those are the perfect kind of imperfect tits. 1.00

00:34:03.000 Don't you think?

00:34:04.000 Amusing?

00:34:06.000 Here, go.

00:34:07.000 Oh, I see you.

00:34:08.000 Yeah.

00:34:08.000 Look at those.

00:34:10.000 See, and what's great about that black bikini is it shows you what the tits would be without them. 1.00

00:34:14.000 And you're like, I like their like two pencilers.

00:34:17.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:34:19.000 You're so, you're such a pussy right now. 1.00

00:34:22.000 You're scared to describe their tits because you're worried your girl's going to be mad at you. 1.00

00:34:26.000 No, it's not mad.

00:34:28.000 She wouldn't be mad at all.

00:34:29.000 But I just don't think it would make her feel very good.

00:34:33.000 Women don't care if you admire someone else's tits in a photograph. 1.00

00:34:38.000 You fucking Tim.

00:34:40.000 Eh.

00:34:42.000 Eh.

00:34:42.000 It's not worth it.

00:34:45.000 When I was a kid, my dad had a subscription to Penthouse.

00:34:48.000 He would sit and read it in the living room.

00:34:51.000 Well.

00:34:51.000 Eh.

00:34:53.000 I don't want my girl to know that I looked at boobies. 1.00

00:34:56.000 It would hurt her deeply.

00:34:58.000 Anyway, go back to those tits. 1.00

00:35:01.000 Not yours, Heidi's.

00:35:03.000 The other girl.

00:35:03.000 Jennifer DeLegato.

00:35:05.000 No, not the sh- Boomerang.

00:35:06.000 It's too confusing.

00:35:08.000 That one.

00:35:10.000 Look at that business.

00:35:12.000 That business.

00:35:13.000 That's a per- She's a little skinny, but that is like a perfect business. 1.00

00:35:16.000 That might be more than a two-penciler.

00:35:19.000 No, it's two pencils.

00:35:20.000 Okay.

00:35:21.000 You're going too high up the cleavage. 0.88

00:35:23.000 And don't cut her face off, you sexist pig. 1.00

00:35:26.000 And also, ladies, that's how you present yourself.

00:35:29.000 This sassafras thing, like, I am a woman.

00:35:31.000 Fucking, I rock.

00:35:33.000 That's gross.

00:35:35.000 It's so unattractive.

00:35:36.000 The one with the black bikini is like, hi, I'm a chick.

00:35:39.000 This is what we do.

00:35:41.000 There's some room for...

00:35:42.000 You should like me, but if you don't, that's none of my business.

00:35:44.000 Please move along.

00:35:45.000 Leaving some mystery there here.

00:35:47.000 Yeah.

00:35:47.000 So your brain could do some weird shit there.

00:35:49.000 But her-uh. 1.00

00:35:52.000 Okay, let's start the show.

00:35:54.000 Shall we?

00:35:54.000 Yes.

00:35:55.000 With some fake news.

00:35:58.000 So this is what we described here.

00:36:00.000 And it's, I got to say, the New York Post is one of the few papers with balls there.

00:36:05.000 Page two, right after the front page, CNN death sells.

00:36:10.000 Now, they're shitting on sort of their competition, so there's a priority there.

00:36:14.000 But this was not trending on Twitter.

00:36:17.000 Probably the biggest story of the year.

00:36:18.000 And you know how they got this guy?

00:36:19.000 We talked about it on the compound censored.

00:36:22.000 He put his fucking face on Tinder and he said, I work at CNN.

00:36:27.000 So they got a hot chick to start hanging out with him. 1.00

00:36:30.000 What are you doing?

00:36:30.000 Oh, yeah, there it is.

00:36:33.000 And they come, well, go to the Hannity thing, 1-5.

00:36:37.000 They got a hot chick to go hang out with him. 1.00

00:36:39.000 He started bragging.

00:36:42.000 Oh, great.

00:36:44.000 Now, yet another explosive video from Project Veritas tonight.

00:36:47.000 This may be the most revealing yet.

00:36:50.000 It's fake news, CNN.

00:36:52.000 All you have to do to insult someone is show a picture of their fucking face. 0.63

00:36:56.000 The main guy, Jeff Zucker, doesn't he look like a hippopotamus?

00:37:00.000 He looks like a whackpacker. 0.99

00:37:03.000 He looks like a hippo from a cartoon.

00:37:06.000 Hey, kids.

00:37:07.000 Yeah.

00:37:08.000 Like a Pixar.

00:37:09.000 He looks like a Pixar hippo.

00:37:11.000 And then Brian Stettler looks like a fingerprint.

00:37:13.000 Outright admitting that CNN uses COVID to fear monger, spread panic, drive ratings, purposefully using death toll numbers in a pandemic to drive ratings for political advantage.

00:37:28.000 You can't make this up.

00:37:30.000 Pretty sick.

00:37:31.000 Take a look.

00:37:31.000 Can you make it up?

00:38:06.000 Dick gets you in trouble, guys.

00:38:09.000 Charlie Chester must be so mad at his dick right now.

00:38:13.000 Well, I hope you're happy.

00:38:15.000 You like the mess you got us in, you fucking stupid boner? 1.00

00:38:19.000 Fuck you.

00:38:20.000 I'm fired now, by the way.

00:38:21.000 It's not easy to keep you in fresh hains with the shit you just pulled.

00:38:26.000 Pretending you're flaccid, like you're sleeping.

00:38:28.000 I know you're listening.

00:38:30.000 Look at me.

00:38:31.000 It does.

00:38:32.000 It looks up with its money.

00:38:36.000 Are you crying?

00:38:37.000 Get in your pants.

00:38:37.000 You made me spill the beans and now I'm fucking fired.

00:38:41.000 Page two.

00:38:41.000 I'm on Hannity right now, asshole.

00:38:45.000 You tiny, stupid asshole.

00:38:48.000 Right now, that makes me want to stick.

00:38:50.000 Put the numbers back up because that's the most enticing thing.

00:38:55.000 Anyway, we already have to cover this on Compound Censors.

00:38:57.000 But I played that because I'm obsessed With the makeup department at Fox.

00:39:02.000 I was always in trouble at Fox for pointing this out and refusing makeup.

00:39:07.000 It wasn't my idea.

00:39:07.000 Clinton Black did it once on Red Eye.

00:39:09.000 He's like, I'm not wearing makeup, you crazy.

00:39:11.000 And I went, you have to.

00:39:12.000 And he goes, No, you don't.

00:39:14.000 And I went, Yeah, why do I do that?

00:39:17.000 It's like when I was a dishwasher at the Royal Oak in Ottawa, Canada.

00:39:21.000 That's my jet, by the way.

00:39:23.000 And the chef goes, why are you a dishwasher?

00:39:26.000 I go, oh, I didn't have any experience cooking, so I couldn't have your job.

00:39:29.000 He goes, I just lied.

00:39:31.000 I said I knew how to do it.

00:39:32.000 And then when I got here, it's just fried food.

00:39:35.000 And I'd say, how do you guys do it?

00:39:36.000 Because we did it differently.

00:39:38.000 And they go, oh, you put in the fucking chicken fingers for two minutes and you put in the fries for three minutes.

00:39:44.000 And I thought, why the fuck didn't I just lie?

00:39:46.000 And ever since then, I've always lied on job applications.

00:39:50.000 Here's what you do.

00:39:51.000 Say I want to work at like a restaurant picking up plates, right?

00:39:55.000 Being a waiter.

00:39:57.000 You have a restaurant, El Spamonte's, a family restaurant.

00:40:01.000 Make it exactly like the restaurant you're about to work at.

00:40:03.000 Then you give them Ryan's number, your friend's number.

00:40:07.000 Then Ryan changes his outgoing message to, hello, you've reached Al Spamonte's.

00:40:10.000 We are open Mondays to Fridays.

00:40:14.000 And then when they get through, Ryan has to go, oh, yeah.

00:40:18.000 No, Gavin's an incredible worker.

00:40:20.000 I'm sad to see him go.

00:40:21.000 The guy made me a lot of money.

00:40:22.000 The thing I love about Gavin is, without being pushy, he gets people out of their seats so we can get new people in.

00:40:29.000 So he's like, can I help you with anything?

00:40:30.000 And, you know, they don't linger after they're done their meal.

00:40:35.000 And I could honestly see an uptick in gross revenue on the nights that Gavin worked.

00:40:43.000 Got the job.

00:40:45.000 And I think I know why.

00:40:47.000 So anyway, just like that chef, when Clint Black said, you don't need makeup, I thought, yeah, you don't.

00:40:53.000 And so I stopped getting makeup.

00:40:55.000 And you don't look at all different on TV.

00:40:58.000 In fact, you look better.

00:41:00.000 Because if you go back and look at Hannity at the beginning of that clip, go back to the clip at the very beginning, you're like, something's not right with him.

00:41:06.000 Look at him.

00:41:08.000 He's like orange.

00:41:09.000 He looks like an action figure.

00:41:12.000 Like matte.

00:41:13.000 He's matte.

00:41:13.000 He's all like, look at my face.

00:41:16.000 I'm pretty red as a Scotch-Irish, but there's some variety, you know?

00:41:21.000 There's some wrinkles and there's darker hair.

00:41:25.000 It's not consistent.

00:41:27.000 He's perfectly consistent, just like a plastic dude.

00:41:31.000 That is true.

00:41:33.000 And it's confusing and it's not masculine and it's weird and it makes him less personable.

00:41:37.000 It's bad for Fox.

00:41:38.000 And it's especially bad on the billboards in Grand Central where it's like Fox News starring Tucker Carlson.

00:41:45.000 And Tucker looks so weird.

00:41:46.000 Look.

00:41:47.000 See, Greg Abbott has no makeup on.

00:41:49.000 Right.

00:41:49.000 So this is a perfect example of how absolutely fucking weird you look when you wear makeup.

00:41:55.000 He looks like a drag queen. 1.00

00:41:57.000 It looks bizarre.

00:41:58.000 RuPaul's Drag World starring Miss Hennity.

00:42:01.000 And it makes you look like you have eyeliner because the contrast.

00:42:04.000 I work at Fox News and I'm a big whore for Trump.

00:42:08.000 Bray Liota, when he's getting us all made up.

00:42:11.000 It looks like you have eyeliner.

00:42:13.000 Look at that thing. 0.92

00:42:16.000 Hi, boys.

00:42:19.000 He just...

00:42:20.000 Sean, you're Irish.

00:42:22.000 You're not fucking an action figure.

00:42:26.000 You have to stand up for yourself and say, no, I don't want makeup on.

00:42:32.000 I want to look like Greg Abbott next to me, a human.

00:42:37.000 Jim Goat's calling me, but I'm doing the show. 0.65

00:42:44.000 I thought this was interesting.

00:42:45.000 New York Nico.

00:42:47.000 He sort of sums up modern New York, which is very woke, and I don't like it.

00:42:52.000 When I moved here, New York was gritty and dangerous and rude and racist and sexist and homophobic and not safe.

00:43:01.000 Now the young New Yorkers are woke.

00:43:04.000 Wait, what?

00:43:05.000 This is my friend Luke.

00:43:07.000 You're kidding me.

00:43:08.000 From high school, yeah.

00:43:09.000 We actually saw, me and my girlfriend saw him.

00:43:12.000 We were staying at the hotel because visiting my grandparents.

00:43:15.000 We don't want to be banging and slamming over there.

00:43:17.000 So we got a hotel.

00:43:19.000 And he was outside and I caught up with him.

00:43:21.000 And he had reached out to me.

00:43:22.000 He was like, dude, I'm thinking about kind of like making a Proud Boys up here in Orange County.

00:43:27.000 And then I got my account deleted.

00:43:30.000 So I've been out of touch with him.

00:43:31.000 But I literally just saw him two weeks ago.

00:43:33.000 This is Luke, and he's amazing.

00:43:36.000 Well, I'm sorry, but I'm about to make fun of him.

00:43:39.000 Really?

00:43:39.000 Oh, no.

00:43:40.000 Yeah.

00:43:40.000 New York Nico has a dating site for fives.

00:43:44.000 That's like, okay.

00:43:45.000 I don't think he thinks he's above a five.

00:43:48.000 Hey, guys, what's going on?

00:43:50.000 Nico informed me he's putting the New York Nico Connections series to bed tonight.

00:43:54.000 So he's singing a lullaby.

00:43:55.000 He's rocking it to sleep.

00:43:57.000 So say goodbye, say Sinaris, say Avida Zane, say whatever the hell you want, but it's over tonight.

00:44:03.000 All right.

00:44:04.000 So I just wanted to say on behalf of all the Nico Connections, all the people he posted, thank you so much, man.

00:44:11.000 Even if nothing matures out of this, this has been the best.

00:44:15.000 This is my confidence.

00:44:16.000 No, no, not a Bronx.

00:44:18.000 He's from Washington.

00:44:19.000 Oh, okay.

00:44:19.000 Sure, it's Bruce Everlast.

00:44:20.000 For the next one?

00:44:24.000 Wait.

00:44:25.000 Nico!

00:44:27.000 Go back to New York, Nico.

00:44:28.000 I've sent you the wrong clip.

00:44:30.000 So that's him ending the dating site, but it was fun looking at it because it was just all of these five saying, hi, my name is Veronica and I'm ready to rock.

00:44:41.000 Oh, wow.

00:44:42.000 This is a whackpacker website.

00:44:43.000 He looks like a hottie. 0.53

00:44:45.000 Go with the guy with the glasses and the baseball jacket.

00:44:48.000 Okay, all right.

00:44:49.000 I got this on the other computer here.

00:44:51.000 I can't wait to see what that guy has to say.

00:44:54.000 Why aren't you logged in?

00:44:55.000 What are you doing?

00:44:56.000 I'm not on that computer.

00:44:58.000 I have a feeling the IP address would get me caught again.

00:45:03.000 Okay.

00:45:04.000 This is a long way to go for an okay joke.

00:45:09.000 Nico.

00:45:09.000 For like, you know what?

00:45:10.000 Let me hop on this shit as well.

00:45:12.000 Why not?

00:45:13.000 My name is Migs.

00:45:14.000 Born and raised in the Bronx.

00:45:15.000 I'm trying to fly.

00:45:18.000 He takes off.

00:45:19.000 I'm 22 years old.

00:45:20.000 I'm trying to air it out.

00:45:29.000 Okay, so that's a five.

00:45:30.000 Let's see the next.

00:45:32.000 Let's see the next five.

00:45:33.000 Yo, New York Nico.

00:45:35.000 That's a five.

00:45:36.000 No.

00:45:36.000 My name is Mariah.

00:45:37.000 You're not supposed to be here, bitch. 1.00

00:45:40.000 Thank you so much for doing this.

00:45:41.000 These two girls have been sixes. 0.98

00:45:44.000 I'm a 31-year-old hairdresser, native New Yorker.

00:45:48.000 She looks like she's going to have an abortion. 1.00

00:45:51.000 Five years old.

00:45:52.000 What's she doing there? 0.52

00:45:53.000 Hi, New York Nico.

00:45:54.000 My name is Kelsey.

00:45:56.000 I am turning 29 next week.

00:45:58.000 I have the smallest top lip in New York City.

00:46:01.000 I live in Manhattan.

00:46:02.000 She's probably an emotional too.

00:46:03.000 Actually, she kind of belongs to me.

00:46:04.000 Let's see another one.

00:46:08.000 Welcome to Nico.

00:46:09.000 Dude, you have one hour left with that hair.

00:46:13.000 This is the countdown.

00:46:14.000 The last sands of the hourglass are trickling through.

00:46:19.000 He might lose it in this video.

00:46:20.000 In the end of the submission.

00:46:21.000 Three, two, one.

00:46:25.000 Costanza.

00:46:26.000 Oh, okay.

00:46:27.000 New York, Nico.

00:46:28.000 This is Stella from Nuna Noodles.

00:46:31.000 Queen of the Cookie.

00:46:32.000 Cover Noodles on 32nd Street.

00:46:38.000 Boy, these fives are brave. 0.90

00:46:40.000 I have a noodle shop with my mom.

00:46:42.000 What a great one.

00:46:43.000 Yo, yo, yo. 0.99

00:46:44.000 Yo, yo, he's shining at five.

00:46:47.000 This guy's like a 6.5.

00:46:49.000 In the gay community, he's like a 7. 1.00

00:46:50.000 Yeah.

00:46:51.000 How y'all doing?

00:46:52.000 What's up, New York Nico?

00:46:53.000 I see what you're doing.

00:46:55.000 It's dope, bro.

00:46:56.000 It's really dope.

00:46:56.000 I really appreciate what you're doing.

00:46:58.000 What's gay about him?

00:46:59.000 What's he doing?

00:46:59.000 I don't know.

00:47:00.000 He's the earrings and the nose ring and the mustache.

00:47:03.000 So this is what he does, is he takes these submissions and then puts their names all down.

00:47:08.000 Hi, I'm Chelsea.

00:47:09.000 I am 22 years old.

00:47:11.000 I'm looking for a nice guy who will treat me right and who loves to play Animal Crossing.

00:47:17.000 Oh, okay.

00:47:17.000 We're not making fun of that person.

00:47:19.000 I really hope she finds somebody.

00:47:21.000 What's up, Nico?

00:47:22.000 I love Nico Connections, and I figured I'd throw my hat in the ring.

00:47:27.000 Name's Rocco, 34 years old.

00:47:29.000 Clearly reading a script.

00:47:30.000 I cry a lot.

00:47:32.000 Really funny, really cool, really supportive.

00:47:36.000 Doesn't yell at me all the time.

00:47:38.000 And they really need to know how to cook. 0.86

00:47:40.000 I really need someone who knows how to cook.

00:47:43.000 What are you doing?

00:47:45.000 Oh.

00:47:45.000 I'm making a video.

00:47:46.000 What video are you making?

00:47:48.000 Funny one?

00:47:49.000 No one even likes you anyway.

00:47:51.000 I'm talking about.

00:47:52.000 Oh.

00:47:53.000 What is it?

00:47:53.000 Take five to that was grim.

00:47:56.000 Don't quit your day job, Scotts Tots. 0.99

00:47:59.000 Oh, hi.

00:48:00.000 It's a video.

00:48:01.000 I'm a monster in a movie.

00:48:05.000 I'm the Predator's friend.

00:48:09.000 Hi, I'm the monster.

00:48:10.000 It would have been in Predators, but they wanted to avoid an NC17 rating.

00:48:14.000 I'm the first sketch of the predator.

00:48:15.000 They didn't end up going with it.

00:48:18.000 Okay, next.

00:48:19.000 Oh, it's a video.

00:48:20.000 This is for New York Nico Love Connection.

00:48:23.000 I'm a guilt.

00:48:24.000 This is a great thing you're doing, honestly.

00:48:26.000 Is it a great thing?

00:48:28.000 Is he curing cancer by helping uglies fuck? 0.99

00:48:31.000 Yeah, this is about fucking.

00:48:33.000 I'm out looking for love.

00:48:34.000 I don't like that Romeo and Juliet fairy tale stuff.

00:48:38.000 But if somebody came along, someone wants to skull fuck me and they'll buy me a handbag. 0.81

00:48:43.000 I'm in.

00:48:44.000 We'll give it a chance.

00:48:45.000 Okay, next.

00:48:46.000 This is like Trous.

00:48:48.000 This is not Trouble.

00:48:50.000 This is like what?

00:48:51.000 I don't know.

00:48:51.000 Trous.

00:48:53.000 This is like Troubles.

00:48:56.000 My name is Charles Joseph.

00:48:57.000 I go by Sir Charles as a poet.

00:48:58.000 I love writing poetry, but I'm really into art in general.

00:49:02.000 I am 24 years old.

00:49:04.000 I work a full-time job.

00:49:05.000 I work with the city of New York to reach out to COVID-19 patients.

00:49:09.000 You work a full-time job.

00:49:12.000 I'm looking for something super casual.

00:49:13.000 Super casual.

00:49:14.000 Afropic?

00:49:14.000 That's classic.

00:49:16.000 I love getting to know people.

00:49:18.000 I talk a lot.

00:49:19.000 I love getting to know people.

00:49:20.000 I love people.

00:49:21.000 I hate him.

00:49:21.000 Is he Dominican or black?

00:49:23.000 What's up?

00:49:25.000 Yo, what's good, New York?

00:49:28.000 What's up, Nico?

00:49:29.000 She looks like someone who's trying to track down the teenage mutant ninja turtles to kill them. 0.89

00:49:33.000 She does.

00:49:33.000 She's like Rocksteady's ex-girlfriend.

00:49:36.000 Yeah.

00:49:37.000 Hey, I just broke up with Bebop.

00:49:39.000 I hate Michelangelo and Donatello and Raphael.

00:49:42.000 They ruined our gang.

00:49:45.000 Next.

00:49:45.000 I'm looking at some pussy.

00:49:47.000 What, whoa, did you just say some pussy? 1.00

00:49:51.000 Oh, man.

00:49:53.000 Okay, that's good.

00:49:54.000 I like when lesbians are ugly. 1.00

00:49:55.000 My name is Danielle.

00:49:56.000 Cleans up the gene pool.

00:49:58.000 I am a photographer, mixed media artist.

00:50:01.000 I am originally from Fort Greene, Brooklyn, but now I live in Philadelphia.

00:50:06.000 I look exactly like my dad dressed up as me for Halloween.

00:50:09.000 I look like a Jordan Peele sketch.

00:50:11.000 Next.

00:50:15.000 Hey, Dan Nicole.

00:50:19.000 How you doing tonight?

00:50:23.000 I'm doing all right.

00:50:23.000 My name is Joey T. Queens.

00:50:25.000 Yo, I'm keeping it tight.

00:50:28.000 Like Brian Stelter's wife's pussy dying. 1.00

00:50:30.000 I want one last fuck before I go.

00:50:33.000 Next.

00:50:34.000 This is me, Queen Ra.

00:50:36.000 Hi, Nicole.

00:50:37.000 I'm in Taiwan, and I live in New York City for four years.

00:50:43.000 I have two different eyes.

00:50:44.000 Four years.

00:50:46.000 One is a bio eye that can see through one.

00:50:48.000 I'm going to go to the one on the street.

00:50:50.000 And I'm looking for...

00:50:52.000 What's up with the eyes?

00:50:53.000 You know who has eyes like that?

00:50:55.000 Boeing in my notes today, actually.

00:50:57.000 She is suing the Proud Boys.

00:51:00.000 We'll get to that.

00:51:01.000 But we're going to keep going all the way down to 3-4.

00:51:12.000 This is the lawyer who's suing Proud Boys on behalf of that black church.

00:51:16.000 And she has two different kind of Asian eyes at the same time. 0.99

00:51:22.000 Whoa.

00:51:23.000 Whoa.

00:51:25.000 Pick an eye and stick with it, lady. 1.00

00:51:29.000 God.

00:51:30.000 Dude, the mouth is...

00:51:32.000 Dude, that is creepy.

00:51:33.000 How many different faces are in her face? 0.76

00:51:35.000 That looks like a creepy pasta thumbnail.

00:51:39.000 It looks like someone who's taking a 3D animation course, and they're like, I made my mom.

00:51:43.000 And you go, you're getting there, but this is an F. That's not going on the fridge.

00:51:50.000 Because she has dignity.

00:51:52.000 And she looks like an attack on Titan character. 1.00

00:51:55.000 Okay, last story before we get into the news.

00:51:58.000 You know that douche, David Hogg?

00:52:01.000 Of course.

00:52:01.000 This is my lawyer said.

00:52:03.000 That crazy bitch who says the Jews have laser beams that they start fires with, you know, what's her name? 1.00

00:52:11.000 Marjorie Taylor Green or something. 0.90

00:52:13.000 Yeah.

00:52:13.000 He goes, She chased a kid from Sandy Hook down the street and told him he wasn't at a shooting.

00:52:20.000 No, she didn't.

00:52:21.000 She chased David Hogg down the street and yelled at him for supporting red flag laws because they were both at a gun conference in D.C. Anyway, David Hogg decided, I hate Mike Lindell.

00:52:33.000 He's a right-wing nut bar.

00:52:35.000 Fuck him.

00:52:38.000 He's evil.

00:52:39.000 I'm going to start my own pillow company.

00:52:42.000 And then after about it, and then he started tweeting things like, does anyone know any pillow manufacturers?

00:52:48.000 And then he'd have a tweet like, does anybody know how you form a union?

00:52:54.000 Because he wanted not just to beat Mike Lindell at the pillow game, which isn't easy.

00:52:58.000 Mike Lindell was a meth head.

00:53:00.000 He knows how to work for four days straight without eating.

00:53:04.000 But David Hogg just wanted to start a new trade without working at a pillow factory or something.

00:53:09.000 You'd think like you'd work in the pillow industry for a few years before you figured out how to start your own pillow company.

00:53:14.000 And then you'd have tweets like, hey, does anybody know how to rent a factory or a building?

00:53:20.000 Like the guy is an absolute imbecile.

00:53:24.000 I know 21-year-olds are all dumb, like that poet we just saw who has a full-time job.

00:53:30.000 But even within the world of 21-year-olds, this guy's a pathetic loser.

00:53:34.000 Anyway, he's stepping down.

00:53:37.000 After trying it for a few months, he's decided that starting a pillow company is hard.

00:53:45.000 A couple weeks ago, a very spontaneous interaction over Twitter between me and William Legate led to us trying to start a progressive pillow company.

00:53:52.000 See, this is, he learned a little lesson here.

00:53:54.000 Starting a company, opening a lemonade stand is hard and dangerous.

00:53:59.000 What if someone gets sick and they sue me?

00:54:01.000 There's some risk involved.

00:54:03.000 Opening a taco truck is much, much harder.

00:54:07.000 You're still not even at restaurant yet.

00:54:10.000 Opening a fucking factory to replace something that everyone uses and needs, good luck.

00:54:18.000 And so he tried it and it was really hard.

00:54:20.000 And keep going down here.

00:54:21.000 I think it takes him nine tweets to say what he's trying to say.

00:54:26.000 Keep going.

00:54:27.000 Show this thread, obviously.

00:54:30.000 What do you...

00:54:30.000 Six.

00:54:33.000 Yeah.

00:54:34.000 Over the next several months, I will be taking some time to focus on my studies in college and advance the gun violence prevention movement with March for Our Lives and personally.

00:54:46.000 Nice grammar.

00:54:48.000 And then he goes on to say that William LeGate will be handling that.

00:54:52.000 Good lesson there.

00:54:54.000 He hired, like, he was hiring people on his team.

00:54:57.000 There was like that gay black young kid. 0.96

00:54:59.000 Yeah, they were all political pundit types.

00:55:01.000 Yep.

00:55:02.000 That were all going to help with the pillow revolution. 0.90

00:55:04.000 It's like when you see these Marxist kids and they go, after the communist revolution, I want to design costumes and be a poet.

00:55:11.000 And I also want to make Leninist cupcakes.

00:55:15.000 Oh, that kid left Twitter too, or William Legate, rather.

00:55:18.000 He left Twitter?

00:55:20.000 Yeah.

00:55:20.000 Oh, no.

00:55:21.000 Anti-Trump goon leaves Twitter in disgrace after salami nipples revealed to world. 0.60

00:55:30.000 Oh my God.

00:55:35.000 Oh my God.

00:55:37.000 Oh my lord.

00:55:38.000 What were you thinking?

00:55:39.000 I've never seen.

00:55:40.000 What are you playing?

00:55:41.000 Twister on your chest?

00:55:42.000 What the fuck?

00:55:44.000 Turn off your high beams, dude.

00:55:45.000 It's daytime.

00:55:47.000 Holy Toledo.

00:55:49.000 Wow.

00:55:50.000 Like, why would you post that?

00:55:52.000 Especially when, look, there's a white hue around it like he was wearing a bikini top.

00:55:57.000 Oh, yeah.

00:55:58.000 You got to sort of zoom out to see it.

00:56:00.000 Zoom out.

00:56:02.000 Oh, you can see the bikini on, and that area got less sun.

00:56:07.000 Those are the most unfortunate nipples I've ever seen.

00:56:10.000 They both each belong on Nico's World.

00:56:15.000 No, Nico's World is for fives.

00:56:18.000 Those are sub-wives. 1.00

00:56:20.000 Those are the worst nipples a man could have.

00:56:25.000 And, you know, that's fine if you have them.

00:56:27.000 Just don't post them and not expect to get Raz.

00:56:31.000 Yeah, I'd leave Twitter too.

00:56:32.000 I would leave Twitter too.

00:56:34.000 You know, William Legate, you don't have to invent new pillows.

00:56:36.000 Just use your fucking nipples. 1.00

00:56:38.000 I'll sleep on those things.

00:56:40.000 Pepperoni Gate.

00:56:42.000 Salami pillows.

00:56:43.000 Salami.

00:56:45.000 That was a running joke we used to do a lot about the mob.

00:56:48.000 We'd be like, yeah, my uncle owed the mob a lot of money and they fucked him up pretty bad.

00:56:56.000 What did they do to him?

00:56:58.000 Pepperoni sunglasses.

00:56:59.000 So what's that?

00:57:01.000 Oh, it's when they cut your nipples off and they stick them on your eyes. 1.00

00:57:06.000 It sucks.

00:57:07.000 It's pretty bad.

00:57:08.000 Yeah.

00:57:10.000 Oh, that's sad.

00:57:12.000 What happened to your uncle?

00:57:14.000 He got a duck tail.

00:57:16.000 Oh, what's that?

00:57:17.000 It's when they cut open your asshole and pull your entrails out and then they use it to strangle a duck and then they make you walk around like that. 0.59

00:57:25.000 Quacking, of course.

00:57:27.000 Making a quack sound.

00:57:30.000 Actually, the organs do a quacking similar to quacking sound.

00:57:36.000 I only have one story for each of these subjects, so we don't have to do the bumper.

00:57:40.000 But Canada's number two is a big fan of COVID.

00:57:49.000 Oh, wait, I didn't do the feminism one. 1.00

00:57:50.000 Okay.

00:57:51.000 Well, do two one. 0.94

00:57:57.000 They keep peeling back the curtain.

00:57:58.000 Remember that Chinese woman who said we have to not give people too much freedom or they'll have no carrot on the stick to get the vaccine? 0.98

00:58:08.000 I really believe COVID has created a window of political opportunity and maybe an epiphany.

00:58:19.000 I really believe COVID-19.

00:58:23.000 See, these people have always wanted communism.

00:58:27.000 I'll never ever forget Thomas Friedman at the New York Times.

00:58:31.000 This is back during Obama's years.

00:58:33.000 So this would be 08 and 09.

00:58:37.000 And he said, Don't you wish we could just be China for one year and then Obama could enact all his policies and then we go back to freedom?

00:58:45.000 They want Stalinism.

00:58:46.000 They want this to be Moscow.

00:58:48.000 By the way, what?

00:58:50.000 This was in the comments.

00:58:51.000 Anyone recognize this MP wandering around naked in the office taking part of the hybrid parliament?

00:59:04.000 Weird.

00:59:04.000 Yeah.

00:59:05.000 Cool.

00:59:06.000 Nice body.

00:59:07.000 Yeah.

00:59:07.000 At least his nipples are normal size.

00:59:09.000 They're correctly.

00:59:10.000 I see your nipples.

00:59:11.000 Okay.

00:59:12.000 They're small as hell.

00:59:13.000 I started my show showing my nipples.

00:59:17.000 Pretty normal nipples. 0.60

00:59:18.000 They're small.

00:59:20.000 They're small.

00:59:21.000 And I won't have any other other talk about it.

00:59:25.000 Brian's very defensive about his nipples.

00:59:27.000 I don't want them to be big.

00:59:28.000 They're the opposite of his nipples.

00:59:30.000 He wishes.

00:59:31.000 From now on, every time we hire someone, it's censored.

00:59:33.000 Yes.

00:59:34.000 We say, we need to see your nipples. 1.00

00:59:35.000 Yeah.

00:59:36.000 Absolutely.

00:59:36.000 And we'll put that in the job app, and it'll be our way of saying, no women.

00:59:42.000 Aha.

00:59:43.000 Yeah.

00:59:43.000 Biz nipples as usual.

00:59:48.000 Feminism. 1.00

00:59:49.000 Don't show the feminism thing, but I thought this was interesting. 1.00

00:59:51.000 This woman is always putting her foot, her big fairy arwa, mahadui feet in her mouth. 1.00

00:59:58.000 Science finally admits that it's a myth that we fall off a fertility cliff at 35.

01:00:04.000 She has no kids, and she's a spinster.

01:00:07.000 And you'll notice these are the kind of women who are really into tracking hate. 1.00

01:00:14.000 Stop lying to women. 1.00

01:00:16.000 It's actually 37.

01:00:19.000 Unbelievable.

01:00:20.000 And by the way, it's a fertility cliff.

01:00:24.000 And it doesn't go perfect baby, perfect baby, perfect baby, and then boom.

01:00:28.000 It goes right.

01:00:30.000 So 20.

01:00:32.000 I mean, when you first menstruate, you're ready to have kids, but society has evolved and we don't want 14-year-olds having kids. 0.99

01:00:37.000 So let's say college, whatever, it's not for you, or you're wrapping it up, 20.

01:00:43.000 The body, 20.

01:00:45.000 You're going to get a good five out if you start at 20.

01:00:48.000 And then at 30, the hourglass turns upside down, the sand starts going.

01:00:52.000 So all she's saying is the sand isn't totally done at 35.

01:00:56.000 It's totally done two years later.

01:00:57.000 So she's basically saying that's the end cutoff.

01:01:01.000 The sand is dwindling.

01:01:02.000 The sand's almost gone.

01:01:03.000 The sand at 35 looks like that Nico dude's hair.

01:01:07.000 Yes.

01:01:08.000 Minutes left.

01:01:09.000 And I've noticed personally that kids tend to be autistic more often when the kids, when the mom is old.

01:01:16.000 You'll also notice there's a lot of twins around.

01:01:18.000 That's because they take fertility drugs. 1.00

01:01:20.000 But fertility drugs are bizarre.

01:01:22.000 They'll have fucking nine babies in them and seven will die. 0.60

01:01:26.000 So then they end up with twins.

01:01:28.000 What was her two fuck-ups? 1.00

01:01:30.000 Men are less likely to wear masks.

01:01:32.000 Another sign that toxic masculinity kills. 0.73

01:01:34.000 Shaming people who refuse to wear a mask isn't a good look.

01:01:39.000 Yeah.

01:01:40.000 I mean, there's women in journalism. 1.00

01:01:42.000 They just barf it out. 0.65

01:01:44.000 There's no heart to it.

01:01:45.000 Consistency is overrated by Arwalal Bakamaldi.

01:01:50.000 Speaking of which, look at this Proud Boys article.

01:01:53.000 This woman, Tess Owen, has devoted her life to tracking hate.

01:01:59.000 And we all know what that means, right?

01:02:01.000 With Jared Holt and Will Summer and Christian Exu.

01:02:05.000 Oh, he's back in the news.

01:02:07.000 Let's just jump to him for a sec, 22.

01:02:09.000 This guy devoted his life to doxing what he calls Nazis, which is just basically you and me.

01:02:14.000 He has Joker's face.

01:02:16.000 And because these people are insatiable saboteurs, they always end up sabotaging themselves.

01:02:23.000 It's sort of like the jihadists. 0.82

01:02:25.000 Most jihadists die making the bombs.

01:02:28.000 They don't actually get the bomb to the target the majority of the time.

01:02:31.000 So they start cannibalizing themselves.

01:02:33.000 And it turns out that this fucker, who's gotten probably a dozen Proud Boys fired, is a sexual predator.

01:02:40.000 And this isn't the first time he's been in the news.

01:02:44.000 Anyway, these kind of people, they are focused on hate, not Aryan nations or bona fide hate groups, but someone like you or I using the N-word in an offensive joke and then letting it get known to the world so our kids aren't invited to parties.

01:02:57.000 That's what they're all about.

01:02:59.000 And in the case of these women, it's usually spinsters who have wasted their best years and they just, they hate men.

01:03:06.000 They resent men because they blame men for their own fuckups.

01:03:09.000 They're like, you should have put a ring on it.

01:03:12.000 You should have married me.

01:03:13.000 Now I'm a fake fucking journalist for vice writing about Proud Boys all day and all night.

01:03:18.000 If you type in scary face in a Google search, it pops up.

01:03:22.000 His face pops up.

01:03:24.000 Oh, wow.

01:03:25.000 That's not edited.

01:03:26.000 Yeah, that joke took a while.

01:03:30.000 So look at this.

01:03:32.000 So this is the case.

01:03:33.000 So that black church, the woman with the asymmetrical eyes, they're suing Proud Boys. 0.74

01:03:37.000 What are you suing?

01:03:39.000 And so first she has to pretend that Proud Boys have this secret cabal of LLCs.

01:03:48.000 Well, even if that was true, doesn't that mean you can't sue them?

01:03:52.000 Like there has to be a hub.

01:03:54.000 This is 3-3, by the way.

01:03:55.000 There has to be a hub for all these groups to get together to have a money source that you can sue.

01:04:00.000 This is what the SPLC, remember?

01:04:01.000 The SPLC, the case that bankrupted the KKK.

01:04:05.000 The KKK, not that there's anything similar with the KKK and Proud Boys, but they sued them for like 200 million, whatever the fuck it was.

01:04:14.000 And the KKK had a $60,000 warehouse.

01:04:21.000 So the woman, the mother of that child who was murdered, Michael, what's his name, strangled, lynched by the KKK, she got a warehouse that she didn't end up selling.

01:04:32.000 They still own it.

01:04:34.000 That family still owns it.

01:04:35.000 So you didn't bankrupt the KKK.

01:04:37.000 They had no money.

01:04:38.000 Similarly, what are you talking about?

01:04:39.000 Bankrupt the Proud Boys?

01:04:42.000 And she says, Jason Lee Van Dyke, now Van Dyke is a good guy, but he got harassed and stalked.

01:04:50.000 Antifa came to his house.

01:04:53.000 They terrorized his parents.

01:04:56.000 And eventually he just snapped and said some bad words and nooses And N-words and all kinds of stuff.

01:05:02.000 And he got kicked out of the group for that.

01:05:04.000 I don't blame him for snapping.

01:05:05.000 You can only take so much harassment of your mother and father before you go ballistic.

01:05:11.000 But anyway, he's got nothing to do with it.

01:05:13.000 But there's still focus on him because he got an LLC.

01:05:16.000 He paid for an LLC, Proud Boys LLC, to be formed.

01:05:18.000 But it doesn't do anything, it doesn't exist.

01:05:20.000 There's nothing there.

01:05:21.000 So anyway, Jason Lee Van Dyke, the lawyer who established Proud Boys International LLC, like this poor girl, she could be at home with beautiful children hugging her.

01:05:31.000 But she spent researching dead corporations.

01:05:36.000 Served as the group's, no, go back up, served as the group's interagrum, what's this?

01:05:41.000 Interanum?

01:05:42.000 I don't know that word.

01:05:44.000 Interanum leader for just two days following Gavin McGinnis's.

01:05:49.000 Now, I started the company she works at.

01:05:52.000 And if you look at a paragraph below, the lawyers have stuck in a disclaimer where my name is spelled correctly.

01:05:59.000 This is called editors with no heart.

01:06:01.000 This is called incompetent journalists, but also editors with no heart who don't go in and read articles before they go out, which he announced in November, blah, blah, blah.

01:06:09.000 During his very short tenure.

01:06:11.000 Wait a minute.

01:06:12.000 Wait a minute.

01:06:14.000 So it's confusing with his there.

01:06:16.000 You don't know if the his means me or Jason Lee.

01:06:19.000 Terrible writing again.

01:06:21.000 During his very short tenure, he inadvertently released the names of eight Proud Boy quote-unquote elders, which included Ethan Nordine, a Seattle-area Proud Boy currently facing serious conspiracy charges for his alleged actions on January 6th.

01:06:33.000 Nordine pleaded.

01:06:34.000 See, she's trying to be a journalist there. 1.00

01:06:36.000 He's not facing serious charges anymore, my dear.

01:06:38.000 It all got thrown out.

01:06:40.000 It's all bullshit.

01:06:42.000 They discovered the passport, the fake passport he made to flee the country was just his girlfriend's ex-boyfriend's passport that was lying around in a drawer.

01:06:52.000 Anyway, this goes on and on and on and talks about all the terrible things and all the crazy money that's going on.

01:07:01.000 How can you bankrupt them?

01:07:02.000 Yeah, there are dudes who sell merchandise that say proud boys on them.

01:07:05.000 Some of those guys make pretty good money.

01:07:07.000 You get to sue them because one of them ripped down a sign at a church?

01:07:14.000 I'm in the Knights of Columbus.

01:07:16.000 If I do something bad, do all the Knights of Columbus have to pay?

01:07:19.000 I got nipples too.

01:07:20.000 You going to milk me, Greg?

01:07:22.000 Look at this word.

01:07:23.000 This has to do with like thrones and kings and reigns and regimes or government periods or lapse or pause in a continuous series.

01:07:31.000 But I feel like she heard that on like Game of Thrones.

01:07:33.000 She's on Doctor Dictionary. 0.72

01:07:35.000 I used to be on it too, and it's an email newsletter.

01:07:39.000 And every day or two, they send you a big 50-cent word you can use.

01:07:43.000 Wow.

01:07:44.000 And she just crowbars it in. 1.00

01:07:45.000 Her next article will have obstreperous. 0.98

01:07:49.000 Obstreperous.

01:07:50.000 I used to know that.

01:07:51.000 What's that mean again?

01:07:52.000 Let's see.

01:07:54.000 It's a good word.

01:07:55.000 When your throat's sore, obstreperous throat.

01:07:59.000 Marked by unruly noisiness.

01:08:01.000 Clamorous.

01:08:02.000 Yeah.

01:08:04.000 I want to be obstreperous.

01:08:05.000 Aggressive noise.

01:08:06.000 That's a good word.

01:08:07.000 Hell yeah.

01:08:08.000 Obstreperous.

01:08:09.000 Let's put it in the title.

01:08:11.000 Let me see the spelling.

01:08:13.000 Obstrep.

01:08:17.000 Obstreparous.

01:08:19.000 And then we'll think of another word.

01:08:20.000 Speaking of jargon, I saw this bizarre article.

01:08:25.000 Where is it now?

01:08:27.000 It is.

01:08:29.000 2.5.

01:08:33.000 It's a new kind of writing.

01:08:35.000 It's this black woman who wrote this about racism, seeing in the dark. 0.79

01:08:39.000 And you'll notice, by the way, a lot of black writing, especially black female writing, it has all the traits of female writing, which is going on and on and on and on about nothing, nattering. 0.89

01:08:48.000 You hear them do it when they're walking down the street, just natter, natter, natter.

01:08:52.000 But the black thing, too, is me, me, me, me, me.

01:08:55.000 Black writing is about me search.

01:08:57.000 In fact, there's a columnist in the Times, sorry, in the New York Post, and he calls himself the Renaissance Man.

01:09:06.000 That's big with blacks. 1.00

01:09:07.000 Jalen Rose.

01:09:09.000 And I've noticed every article he writes is about me, me, me, me, me, and growing up poor and me, me, me, me, me.

01:09:16.000 This week's guest on Renaissance Man is someone I've grown up with in the business.

01:09:20.000 See, they get I into the first sentence.

01:09:25.000 It's been a pleasure to see your gordon.

01:09:27.000 I asked how she's been able to maintain her profession and be so good at her job so they give me giving me fluffy career. 1.00

01:09:32.000 Like I, me, I had my privacy.

01:09:35.000 And with this, this woman, of course, the first letter of her article is I. But so it natters on, it's all about me.

01:09:45.000 But the wording she uses is so weird.

01:09:49.000 This is a new language.

01:09:51.000 So it starts out with, of course, her, it's a diary entry.

01:09:54.000 I threw away half the house when my mother died.

01:09:57.000 Baby shoes, undeveloped film, awards from, that's grammatically incorrect if you're doing a list, my dear.

01:10:01.000 All of it was important.

01:10:02.000 None of it was important.

01:10:04.000 Not in the face of death.

01:10:05.000 I had no place to put all that shit.

01:10:07.000 And I couldn't be bothered.

01:10:09.000 One child out of...

01:10:10.000 Anyway, she gets into white power soon after this. 0.73

01:10:14.000 Keep going down.

01:10:18.000 White people had not developed a constitution for forbearance. 0.99

01:10:23.000 Protective layers forged in the firestorm of injustice belong to people of color in this country and are not necessary where whiteness stands sentinel.

01:10:36.000 Brazenly detached, unapologetically fragile, and woefully in denial, whiteness outsourced culpability and along with it, critical lessons in resilience and character. 0.97

01:10:50.000 Poverty overflowing into violence.

01:10:53.000 She's like the poet laureate.

01:10:55.000 Poverty overflowing into violence in your neighborhood?

01:10:59.000 Amanda Gorman.

01:11:01.000 Buy a new house in the country.

01:11:03.000 Funding model.

01:11:04.000 Keeping your school overcrowded?

01:11:07.000 Not to worry.

01:11:08.000 Opt for private education.

01:11:11.000 These habits of white power are designed to create a life unencumbered by the concerns of the oppressed.

01:11:21.000 Well, check out this sentence.

01:11:23.000 Go up.

01:11:23.000 I can't read it because I'm in the way.

01:11:26.000 A disassociation trifecta, distance, Fragility and denial ensures that the residual cruelties of white choices are barred from white view. 0.91

01:11:40.000 The result is a fortress of dispassion through which empathy is hard-pressed to permeate, let alone justice.

01:11:49.000 And what the fuck does that mean?

01:11:53.000 Wait, go back down.

01:11:55.000 The white nesting doll is all self-actualization.

01:12:00.000 The top of Maslow's hierarchy.

01:12:04.000 All to itself.

01:12:05.000 I had to look that up.

01:12:06.000 I'd never heard of Maslow's hierarchy before.

01:12:08.000 It's some fucking kind of shit they do in social studies class.

01:12:13.000 It's at the bottom of that paragraph.

01:12:18.000 I didn't put a number on it.

01:12:19.000 Look at this shit.

01:12:21.000 This is what self-obsessed academics look up.

01:12:25.000 If you look at the what's his name?

01:12:29.000 Maslow.

01:12:31.000 So how does it work?

01:12:32.000 I guess your least important needs are your psychological needs, food, water, warmth, rest.

01:12:38.000 And then they get more and more important, I assume, as you go up.

01:12:41.000 How do these pyramids work?

01:12:42.000 Safety needs, belongingness and love needs.

01:12:45.000 Those are big, but not as big as esteem needs.

01:12:49.000 And then, of course, the very top of the Maslow triangle of needs, self-actualization, achieving one's full potential, including creative activities.

01:13:01.000 Like, this is why I hate school.

01:13:04.000 This is garbage.

01:13:06.000 Throw it out.

01:13:08.000 Burn this book.

01:13:11.000 Let's get with the Nazis. 0.94

01:13:12.000 They're burning books.

01:13:13.000 Hierarchy.

01:13:14.000 I agree with them.

01:13:16.000 Here's a chart about esteem and self-actualization and how they interact.

01:13:21.000 No, I don't want that.

01:13:23.000 Get that out of here. 1.00

01:13:25.000 It's like when Derek Beckles and I were introducing all the bands at Intonation and we were being way too weird and it wasn't going well.

01:13:32.000 He was wearing a Rainbow Klansman uniform.

01:13:36.000 We were making, we had no bits.

01:13:38.000 We would just sort of make up shit when we were there.

01:13:40.000 And so some band was coming on.

01:13:42.000 Big names at the time.

01:13:45.000 And some band was coming.

01:13:46.000 We also got Scary Perry to introduce all the shows too.

01:13:49.000 We had him there.

01:13:52.000 And we were trying to get out in front of the band.

01:13:54.000 It was a band like Fishbone or something, some black band.

01:13:57.000 And I was like, sorry, we're introducing the shows.

01:13:59.000 And he goes, no, no, no.

01:14:00.000 And the music was super loud.

01:14:02.000 I was like, we have to get over there.

01:14:04.000 And the manager of the band goes, they don't want you.

01:14:09.000 I was like, oh, okay.

01:14:11.000 Then I don't need to get over there.

01:14:14.000 Oh, shit.

01:14:15.000 That's how I feel about so much stuff, though.

01:14:17.000 Gavin doesn't want you.

01:14:20.000 Hey, Marlow, Triangle of Needs, I don't want you.

01:14:24.000 Go.

01:14:25.000 That sounds like such a manager thing.

01:14:28.000 They don't want you.

01:14:30.000 That's hilarious.

01:14:32.000 Every time I'm not wanted to, I hear that in my head.

01:14:34.000 Like, they don't want you.

01:14:37.000 Hey, you guys playing dice?

01:14:39.000 Yeah.

01:14:40.000 They don't want you.

01:14:42.000 Like, just deaf, like, as if you're deaf. 0.84

01:14:48.000 Intonation Music Festival?

01:14:49.000 Yeah, that was it.

01:14:50.000 Vice put it on one year.

01:14:54.000 That was dope.

01:14:58.000 Wait, go back to that?

01:15:00.000 Trifecta, I'll call it.

01:15:02.000 The obstreperous trifecta.

01:15:05.000 And now I got to think of a three because it's try.

01:15:08.000 Black tr. 0.73

01:15:11.000 Okay, blackie. 0.98

01:15:12.000 What are you doing?

01:15:13.000 Where is it again?

01:15:14.000 Nowhere.

01:15:15.000 Oh.

01:15:16.000 Well, we didn't finish that woman who was going to sue the... 1.00

01:15:19.000 Go to 3-5.

01:15:21.000 So this is the new thing with these incompetent female writers who can't even spell names correctly. 1.00

01:15:26.000 They go and write the article, and then this, they have a Beta Cuck nerd like Greg Walters, and he does all the research. 0.53

01:15:32.000 Remember the other article that was like that?

01:15:34.000 The Nazi hunters? 0.57

01:15:37.000 And that way they can not get sued and not fuck up.

01:15:42.000 They don't have the temerity to write articles.

01:15:44.000 And these nerds don't have the heart to pursue something. 1.00

01:15:47.000 So these dumb bitches pursue Nazism as a thing, which is really their hatred of men. 1.00

01:15:54.000 And they see men as Nazis.

01:15:56.000 So that's how it evolves.

01:15:58.000 And then they have these cuck losers do their cleaning up, do the grunt work, do cross the T's and dot the I's. 1.00

01:16:06.000 And that's what this fucking loser does. 0.79

01:16:09.000 Some British pussy. 1.00

01:16:10.000 And we know in Britain, if you're not working class, you're a pussy. 1.00

01:16:14.000 That's just the way it is over there.

01:16:18.000 But check out Tess Owen. 0.96

01:16:19.000 She forwarded this clip.

01:16:21.000 No one talked about this.

01:16:22.000 So they had the all White Lives Matter thing that was meant to be a Nazi rally, and it was bona fide white supremacists.

01:16:28.000 Okay, finally.

01:16:30.000 We hear about them all day.

01:16:31.000 Let's check them out.

01:16:33.000 And no one shows.

01:16:36.000 So instead of going, oh, I guess white power isn't a thing, they go, it flopped.

01:16:43.000 Antifa sabotaged it.

01:16:45.000 New for me, nationwide white supremacist rallies flop.

01:16:49.000 And as I said on parlor, in other words, it ain't a thing, folks.

01:16:56.000 White supremacy is swallowing up your time for no fucking reason.

01:17:03.000 It's not a phenomenon.

01:17:05.000 Stop.

01:17:07.000 Stop labeling people Nazis and trying to ruin their lives.

01:17:13.000 We just had a collection of them in California.

01:17:15.000 They all got together.

01:17:16.000 There was 11 people there.

01:17:18.000 It's not a thing.

01:17:19.000 Oh, yeah, what about Charlottesville?

01:17:21.000 Yes.

01:17:23.000 Charlottesville had maybe 200 in a country of 331 million.

01:17:29.000 I call it some people did some things.

01:17:32.000 How many albinos are there in America?

01:17:34.000 Look that up.

01:17:35.000 I bet there's more albinos than there are Nazis. 0.90

01:17:40.000 My new official stance on white supremacy is there are more albinos than there are white supremacists. 0.55

01:17:48.000 I apologize to albinos, but you should be happy you're here and not in Africa where they think your blood is magic.

01:17:55.000 Can you believe they think bald people have gold coins in their head?

01:17:59.000 They are hacking away at bald people's heads in Africa because they think there's money in there. 0.87

01:18:05.000 Why?

01:18:09.000 Why would they think there's money in there?

01:18:11.000 Was there ever?

01:18:12.000 Was one guy because he died, so gold nuggets fell out of his head?

01:18:16.000 Maybe because they're white, they're like, oh, this guy's rich.

01:18:20.000 No, bald people, I said, dumbass.

01:18:22.000 There's two things going on here.

01:18:23.000 One, albinos are magic.

01:18:25.000 I have to cut their limbs off and get the blood because it's magic blood.

01:18:29.000 And then two, bald people have nuggets in their heads.

01:18:32.000 We should send Brian Stettler to Africa.

01:18:34.000 Oh, my God.

01:18:35.000 If you want to make good money, a gold head is coming. 0.98

01:18:39.000 There is a lot of coins.

01:18:41.000 There is a gold head coming from CNN.

01:18:44.000 He eats the poo-poo. 0.99

01:18:45.000 You need to get the nuggets from his brain.

01:18:48.000 None of the coins that come out of his head will fit in his wife's pussy. 1.00

01:18:52.000 It is too tight.

01:18:53.000 It will squash them like when you put it on the railroad track and a train runs through.

01:18:57.000 Railroad track.

01:18:59.000 So do we know how many albinos are in America?

01:19:02.000 There's thought to be one albino person every 17,000 to 20,000 people.

01:19:06.000 The world population is around 7.4 billion.

01:19:11.000 So that divided by that.

01:19:12.000 So we'll simplify it to 435,000 people.

01:19:15.000 Wait a minute, you're doing math.

01:19:16.000 That's bad.

01:19:17.000 I look away for one second and Ryan's doing math.

01:19:19.000 That's like seeing a kid near the fireplace.

01:19:22.000 Get back.

01:19:23.000 Step away from the numbers.

01:19:25.000 Well, this, though, but this isn't the world.

01:19:28.000 So half a million.

01:19:30.000 So, wait, move over.

01:19:31.000 I can't read it.

01:19:32.000 The other way.

01:19:33.000 Okay.

01:19:36.000 There's thought to be one albino person for every, is that 17,000 to 20,000 people?

01:19:42.000 All right, so let's say 20,000 people, right?

01:19:44.000 20,000 people.

01:19:45.000 So what's 331 million divided by 20,000?

01:19:50.000 So you cross out four of the zeros, one, two, three, four, and you're left with 33,100 divided by 2.

01:19:59.000 So that's like whatever, 16,000, right?

01:20:04.000 33,000.

01:20:05.000 Half of that is 16,000.

01:20:08.000 So there's about 16,000 albinos in America.

01:20:13.000 So there's way more albinos than there are right now.

01:20:15.000 That's if it's not a regionally influenced thing, right?

01:20:18.000 It's not, right?

01:20:19.000 Okay.

01:20:21.000 What ethnicity are albinos, somebody asked.

01:20:25.000 Are you fucking crazy?

01:20:30.000 Okay, we're running out of time here.

01:20:33.000 I had a lot of racism to discuss, but we've kind of overdone it here.

01:20:37.000 Let's jump over to the mailbag, shall we?

01:20:39.000 Ookie-dook. 1.00

01:20:42.000 Brian, shut up, you don't have a dance.

01:20:47.000 Let's turn the race together's mailbag. 0.97

01:20:53.000 Let me touch it.

01:20:54.000 I've got a very exciting letter for you today, Rygai.

01:21:01.000 Cool.

01:21:01.000 And it is my grandfeather writing a letter.

01:21:08.000 It's a draft of a letter he wrote to his MP about the hydrogen bomb, the H-bomb, nuclear bomb.

01:21:17.000 And his contention is in the letter that you should not have an H-bomb.

01:21:27.000 And the real cause of war is capitalism.

01:21:34.000 Yes, that's correct.

01:21:36.000 I'm going to have to email these to you.

01:21:37.000 I forgot to do it.

01:21:41.000 Save.

01:21:41.000 Sorry.

01:21:43.000 I also have a fun letter.

01:21:45.000 It's not really a letter, but my friend, Alex, we were pals in college, and she was always very cool.

01:21:54.000 And she's dumped me because of Trump.

01:21:58.000 She trumped you.

01:21:59.000 She trumped me.

01:22:00.000 But Trump's not in office anymore.

01:22:02.000 And I happened to be in her neighborhood in Soho the other day where she runs a plus-size clothing place.

01:22:09.000 And I said, hey, I'm in your hood.

01:22:10.000 Let's grab a beer.

01:22:11.000 And she's like, I'm not around there today.

01:22:14.000 And I said, oh, okay.

01:22:15.000 And then just as a joke, I said, I miss you so much.

01:22:19.000 But more importantly, I miss us.

01:22:22.000 And she goes, I think you miss, I miss the old you.

01:22:27.000 And I think you do too.

01:22:31.000 So here we go.

01:22:32.000 So I thought I'd read this to you just for fun because I'm sure you've been through this a million times, MAGA people.

01:22:38.000 She goes, Gabby, you miss the person you once knew, as do I. And I go, wait, are you implying that the media is right about me and somehow I've become this horrible person?

01:22:50.000 That means you believe strangers over someone you've known for 30 years.

01:22:55.000 And she goes, I'm the only one that's pursued this friendship over the past, she says, 20 years.

01:23:00.000 Maybe she thinks he's younger than she is.

01:23:03.000 And I was like, okay, that's true, but you're not exactly Cortez, the great explorer.

01:23:06.000 You sent me a few emails.

01:23:10.000 But she goes, I don't need the media to tell me anything.

01:23:13.000 You have done the talking, and that has broken my heart in the last few years.

01:23:18.000 I go, give me a quote.

01:23:20.000 She doesn't give me a quote.

01:23:21.000 They never do, of course.

01:23:22.000 And I go, I 100 guarantee the thing you found offensive is either one, a joke, two, a fact, or three, perfectly normal coming from a middle-aged father of three.

01:23:33.000 And then she goes, I keep waiting for you to tell the world that this is some kind of long-running Andy Kaufman provocative comedy shit.

01:23:42.000 My brother didn't speak to me for two years because I was constantly defending you.

01:23:47.000 And then it just became impossible, especially during the last presidency.

01:23:53.000 I said, gonna need a quote, honey.

01:23:56.000 And then I said, I'm sorry, I think Trump was awesome.

01:23:59.000 So did half the country.

01:24:00.000 It's not really a radical belief.

01:24:05.000 And then she goes, the you I know and love is way too smart to think he was awesome.

01:24:12.000 I insist on thinking this is some sort of pathology.

01:24:15.000 That way, I can at least think of you without it.

01:24:18.000 I go, no, you're the one with a pathology.

01:24:20.000 You have Trump derangement syndrome.

01:24:22.000 And you people never name specific policies.

01:24:24.000 I have policies I like.

01:24:26.000 Isolationalism, nationalism, anti-globalism, the border, the economy, freeing America from all this woke bullshit, saying we don't need to go through HR programming through the government to learn how important trans people are.

01:24:42.000 Finally, getting on with business and enough of this meandering bullshit like fucking obstreperous onomatopoeia and Mason's triangle, all that shit, that academic claptrap.

01:24:54.000 So I have policies I want to discuss.

01:24:56.000 And then she just ends this with, I can only imagine this is exhausting for you.

01:25:01.000 Shut up, Janet. 1.00

01:25:06.000 You come across as a bitch. 1.00

01:25:11.000 Okay.

01:25:14.000 So let's read the letters from my grandfather.

01:25:16.000 This would be like 19, probably 55.

01:25:20.000 And it's kind of hard to read.

01:25:22.000 This is a working class guy.

01:25:23.000 So he worked at the newspapers, like replacing the roles.

01:25:28.000 And him and his boys, his generation, his people, his demographic, they kept pushing for unions.

01:25:34.000 And they got stronger and stronger until the newspapers all went under.

01:25:38.000 Glasgow used to be the epicenter of tabloids like this.

01:25:41.000 They basically invented this type of newspaper.

01:25:44.000 And you wouldn't have the National Enquirer, you wouldn't have the New York Post, you wouldn't have any of these papers without Glasgow.

01:25:50.000 But they fucked themselves by driving up the price of labor too high, and Glasgow's industry shut down.

01:25:57.000 In fact, Glasgow's entire industry shut down.

01:25:59.000 They used to have shipbuilding.

01:26:01.000 They used to have it.

01:26:02.000 Now all they have is whiskey and a bit of oil.

01:26:07.000 Dear sir, the meeting abores, he's using quotes now.

01:26:11.000 The meeting abhors the use of H-bomb and calls upon the government to stop H-bomb tests and participate in a summit conference.

01:26:21.000 That's him quoting them, right?

01:26:23.000 How often have we seen this type of resolution passed at a variety of trade unions and other meetings?

01:26:29.000 Should be a question mark there, Johnny McInnes.

01:26:32.000 This guy changed our name from McGinnis to McInnes because he was a bookie and no one would trust an Irishman. 1.00

01:26:38.000 They also seem to have the same effect as a knock on the door of an empty house.

01:26:43.000 The ritual too is exactly the same.

01:26:47.000 The mover?

01:26:49.000 The mover reads out a few of the possible horrors of H-bomb warfare and scares the pants off everyone. 0.93

01:26:56.000 He is then followed by speaker after speaker in the same vein.

01:27:00.000 Then the vote is taken, carried unanimously and everyone is happy.

01:27:05.000 Or are they?

01:27:06.000 The writer is sorry to make no light of it at all, as he knows that some well-meaning folk really believe that this is the way to get rid of H-bombs and then go on to general disarmament.

01:27:22.000 But you know it's all been tried before and as history shows, it's all failed before too.

01:27:29.000 First, let the socialist point out that the problem of the H-bomb is irreparable from war, inseparable from war, which in turn is inseparable from the system of society in which we live.

01:27:46.000 This system produces poverty, insecurity, disease, and all the vicious things that stem from those, and it gives rise to the wars for which governments are constantly preparing.

01:28:01.000 So his contention is capitalism breeds war, and that's why we need H-bombs.

01:28:05.000 Socialism, the second it gets any power, breeds war.

01:28:09.000 Ever heard of Stalin?

01:28:11.000 Venezuela and Cuba would love to go to war.

01:28:14.000 Every time Cuba scraped together 300 construction workers and went and invaded Grenada. 0.93

01:28:21.000 Then guess who fought in Grenada?

01:28:23.000 America?

01:28:24.000 Unreliabil.

01:28:26.000 Ah.

01:28:26.000 It all comes back around.

01:28:28.000 Grenada.

01:28:29.000 But it's such a strange argument that socialism would prevent war.

01:28:33.000 Socialism is nothing but death.

01:28:36.000 The socialist doesn't have these points just to be awkward or to be academically correct.

01:28:44.000 The writer has children, including my dad, and realizes the stakes are very high.

01:28:50.000 In fact, the possible extermination of many of us.

01:28:54.000 But resolutions of disapproval of war and of certain methods of warfare have all been passed before.

01:29:00.000 They have all had no effect.

01:29:03.000 Facts have been made.

01:29:04.000 No pacts have been made.

01:29:06.000 International organizations have been set up.

01:29:09.000 In fact, every method of getting real peace and disarmament has been tried except socialism.

01:29:16.000 And then he went on to try socialism in Glasgow and destroy his own job.

01:29:21.000 Time and time again, the socialist has demonstrated that war stems from capitalist struggles for markets, trade routes, sources of raw materials, and pieces of strategic importance.

01:29:34.000 Places of strategic importance.

01:29:35.000 I agree with you on this, Grandad.

01:29:38.000 I don't want war.

01:29:39.000 I'm an isolationist.

01:29:41.000 I don't like all these trade routes shit.

01:29:42.000 Why don't we just buy the spices from India and the Caribbean?

01:29:47.000 Why don't we just buy the oil from the Middle East like we do now?

01:29:51.000 All this springs from the production for sale with a profit motive for a small section of society, the capitalists.

01:30:00.000 This in itself works against the interest of the overwhelming majority of society, the working class.

01:30:07.000 This working class is in every nation and faced with exactly the same problems as the working class of Britain.

01:30:15.000 So it is at this level that international conferences must take place and it must be international conferences for socialism.

01:30:25.000 The leaders of the mere nations will be conferring in the interest of the particular units of capitalism they represent, trying to fiddle the spoils of war without actually going to war.

01:30:43.000 And then he wraps it up here.

01:30:45.000 So this was so important to him, he wrote a draft.

01:30:47.000 This is like when Archie Bunker wrote a letter to Nixon.

01:30:51.000 And trusting each other about as much as the proverbial cat and mouse.

01:30:56.000 If anybody can really delude themselves into believing that out of conferences of this nature, the peace of the world will come, their gullibility can know no bounds.

01:31:08.000 It goes deeper than this.

01:31:09.000 For there's resolutions for These resolutions are red herrings and time wasters.

01:31:16.000 We have a job to do in this century, the establishment of socialism.

01:31:20.000 And while workers are pursuing their dreams...

01:31:24.000 Oh, he spelled their wrong.

01:31:26.000 Huh.

01:31:27.000 Oh, these dreams now.

01:31:29.000 And while workers are pursuing these dreams, they are falling down on their historically appointed task.

01:31:37.000 Signed, John McInnis, Glasgow Branch, card number 236.

01:31:45.000 SARS in the right place, though. 0.99

01:31:47.000 Was it no?

01:31:49.000 And it was a different time in the 50s.

01:31:52.000 The war had just ended.

01:31:54.000 They were starting anew, coming up with systems to rebuild the West.

01:32:01.000 That was the mailbag, right?

01:32:03.000 We started that.

01:32:05.000 Oh, yes.

01:32:07.000 Are we way over two hours?

01:32:09.000 No, no.

01:32:11.000 We're at 132.

01:32:16.000 Oh, my God.

01:32:16.000 I have some great news.

01:32:17.000 Okay, do the mailbag thing.

01:32:19.000 Oh, we did it.

01:32:20.000 Oh, we did?

01:32:21.000 Yep.

01:32:22.000 Wow, my mistake.

01:32:23.000 My mistake.

01:32:23.000 Dude, I'm going to stop boxing.

01:32:25.000 You're getting pugilistic?

01:32:26.000 I remember I had a neighbor in Ottawa on 38 Stinson Avenue in Nepean who he was a boxer and he quit the day that they said, round six.

01:32:37.000 And he went round six.

01:32:39.000 You don't go from round one to round six, guys.

01:32:41.000 You mean round two?

01:32:42.000 It goes one, two, three, four, five, six.

01:32:44.000 What is he talking about?

01:32:45.000 It did go one, two, three, four, five, six, dude.

01:32:48.000 And he just had a time fold.

01:32:50.000 That's massive.

01:32:51.000 He wasn't hurt.

01:32:52.000 Right.

01:32:53.000 Time just went zroomp.

01:32:55.000 And he lost four rounds, five rounds.

01:32:57.000 Each round is a minute 30?

01:32:59.000 What?

01:33:00.000 Each round is how long?

01:33:02.000 I think they're two minutes.

01:33:04.000 That's a lot of time.

01:33:05.000 Yeah.

01:33:06.000 30 seconds in between.

01:33:07.000 Holy shit.

01:33:09.000 They're three minutes at my gym, but that's to trick you so when you go into an actual fight, everything seems easy.

01:33:14.000 But we played Ryan Shut Up.

01:33:17.000 You don't have a dad?

01:33:18.000 Yeah.

01:33:19.000 Yes.

01:33:20.000 You were even humming along to it, but you were on your phone.

01:33:23.000 Wow.

01:33:25.000 Okay, so this is some exciting news.

01:33:28.000 This has been a pretty fun show, I think.

01:33:30.000 You know why it's been a fun show?

01:33:32.000 I didn't just, I wasn't a slave to my notes.

01:33:35.000 I didn't mention half the stories I had.

01:33:37.000 I had a bunch of racism stories.

01:33:38.000 And that's how you make a good show.

01:33:40.000 You decide how long you talk about something.

01:33:43.000 We're in control here, not this paper.

01:33:46.000 I'm not no papers bitch. 0.97

01:33:47.000 Just gonna send it.

01:33:51.000 Okay, unfortunately, I don't know if I've just sent you this already.

01:33:55.000 But there was a girl. 0.91

01:33:57.000 We found the perfect 10.

01:33:59.000 And we fell in love.

01:34:01.000 And then she deleted her Instagram account.

01:34:04.000 Oh, yeah.

01:34:05.000 And we went to Wayback Machines.

01:34:07.000 We were in tears.

01:34:09.000 Not more so you.

01:34:12.000 Everyone was crying.

01:34:13.000 Everyone.

01:34:15.000 And then it was gone.

01:34:17.000 But this guy, he's a viewer from...

01:34:21.000 Where is he from?

01:34:24.000 His name's Dakota.

01:34:26.000 I got him.

01:34:27.000 I don't know.

01:34:27.000 He's a cool-looking dude.

01:34:28.000 Show a picture of him.

01:34:30.000 We don't want to get him canceled, but.

01:34:33.000 Oh, you don't have a picture of him, right?

01:34:34.000 I never sent you the original.

01:34:36.000 So that's not it.

01:34:38.000 His name's Dakota.

01:34:40.000 He's heavily influenced by the show.

01:34:42.000 And I just sent you an email of his with him on it.

01:34:46.000 I don't think I could find one flaw with this outfit he's wearing.

01:34:50.000 The socks are great and fun, very ska-based.

01:34:54.000 The pants, if you're going to go for a ska look, you better be pretty slim. 0.99

01:34:58.000 Shirt looks perfectly tailored.

01:34:59.000 Top button done up.

01:35:01.000 Oh, there we go.

01:35:02.000 He's got the Lokes, I think those are.

01:35:04.000 Those look like Doc Martin Lokes, or maybe they're the Bristols.

01:35:07.000 Oh, I don't know.

01:35:08.000 I think those are...

01:35:11.000 Fuck, I know what there's a call, too.

01:35:12.000 Damn it.

01:35:13.000 Yeah, I think I was looking.

01:35:14.000 I was looking at those.

01:35:15.000 They're called Bristols.

01:35:16.000 Okay.

01:35:17.000 Lok Bristols.

01:35:18.000 The Lok ones are like $700 or some crazy shit.

01:35:22.000 L-O-A-K-E. 1.00

01:35:23.000 But Dr. Martin has a cheaper version that you can usually pick up.

01:35:28.000 And he's got the rugby tie with the skulls on it.

01:35:32.000 Great looking guy.

01:35:32.000 I'd fuck him.

01:35:35.000 With your heels on?

01:35:36.000 He turned us on to with your heels on?

01:35:38.000 With my heels on.

01:35:39.000 But he turned us on to the perfect woman. 0.92

01:35:43.000 And here she is, folks.

01:35:45.000 I go ham.

01:35:46.000 Sarah Ham.

01:35:47.000 No, that's not it.

01:35:49.000 That's the worst picture of her ever made.

01:35:51.000 It's in the...

01:35:52.000 Did you put up the picture of him?

01:35:53.000 Yep.

01:35:54.000 What's in that email?

01:35:55.000 Oh, not the first one.

01:35:56.000 No, the first one is just like some clothing store she works for or something.

01:35:59.000 Oh, she's back.

01:36:01.000 She's back.

01:36:02.000 Whoa.

01:36:03.000 So what happened there?

01:36:04.000 I assume some of these pictures are sexy, and I assume that her husband saw them and said, what the fuck are you doing?

01:36:11.000 Oh.

01:36:11.000 Take those down.

01:36:13.000 So that's her profile now.

01:36:15.000 But Ozzy Osborne dressed as a woman. 0.72

01:36:18.000 Let me see if...

01:36:18.000 Oh, no, the sexy pic is still up there.

01:36:21.000 This is what you want in a wife, guys. 0.99

01:36:24.000 If you find one of these, tackle her and put a ring on it. 0.99

01:36:28.000 They don't even have a TV in the living room.

01:36:32.000 Look at the picture with the fishnets.

01:36:34.000 It's down a bit.

01:36:36.000 Wait, is it that one?

01:36:37.000 Top right?

01:36:38.000 No, more on.

01:36:39.000 Keep going.

01:36:40.000 It's that one in the middle.

01:36:42.000 Oh, Jesus.

01:36:44.000 But she's got stilettos on. 0.99

01:36:46.000 And I think she's Canadian from Winnipeg or something.

01:36:50.000 And her favorite things are riding on motorcycles and playing with her daughter and listening to Motorhead.

01:36:58.000 I mean, it's a good blueprint.

01:37:00.000 I don't want you to marry her.

01:37:02.000 She appears happily married.

01:37:04.000 So stay the fuck away from her, you disgusting pigs. 0.62

01:37:06.000 But this is what you're looking for in a chick. 1.00

01:37:12.000 Are you not showing these?

01:37:14.000 I was.

01:37:15.000 Perfect amount of makeup.

01:37:17.000 Oh, are you worried?

01:37:17.000 You're going to get in shit from your girlfriend, you fucking faggot?

01:37:20.000 No, I'm looking up in this one.

01:37:21.000 So I could...

01:37:22.000 It won't let me click the picture until I log in.

01:37:26.000 So here I am.

01:37:29.000 Stunning.

01:37:31.000 That's perfect.

01:37:31.000 This is a 10.

01:37:32.000 They're very rare.

01:37:35.000 And sometimes you'll see a girl this perfect, and her husband will be a twat, and you'll think, Where the fuck did that happen?

01:37:43.000 But her husband is so much better than me.

01:37:48.000 Oh, geez.

01:37:48.000 He's so much cooler than me that I'm like, all right, good.

01:37:52.000 This has been well managed.

01:37:54.000 Like, nature ran its course.

01:37:56.000 And a 10 got it.

01:37:58.000 He's a 10.

01:37:58.000 I think I might even be more attracted to him.

01:38:01.000 Where is he?

01:38:02.000 You'll see him.

01:38:02.000 He pops up.

01:38:03.000 He's very busy.

01:38:04.000 He's on his motorcycle all the time doing cool guy stuff.

01:38:08.000 CGS.

01:38:09.000 Cool guy stuff.

01:38:10.000 Oh, wait, wait, go back.

01:38:12.000 See that picture above the cartoon?

01:38:14.000 Selfie in the bathroom?

01:38:16.000 I mean, what?

01:38:20.000 Look at that thing. 0.92

01:38:23.000 If I was her husband, I would plant a GPS tracker in her belt because I'd be worried about someone pulling up in a van and stealing her. 1.00

01:38:32.000 Go to the one before that.

01:38:33.000 Look at that one.

01:38:34.000 Wife.

01:38:35.000 It's pretty badass.

01:38:36.000 Ring on it.

01:38:36.000 What are you doing?

01:38:38.000 Oh, she did get married, Gavin.

01:38:40.000 Oh, okay, good.

01:38:41.000 Yeah, but to me, not to him.

01:38:45.000 Got the wrong guy.

01:38:46.000 Hey, no for nothing.

01:38:47.000 If your husband, who's, there he is, he's a 10.

01:38:49.000 If your husband and my wife are in a plane crash, I'll be available to console you.

01:38:55.000 Look at that real man.

01:38:57.000 It's not even a Levi's jean jacket.

01:38:59.000 It's like some other thing, a Wrangler or something.

01:39:02.000 He just picked it up.

01:39:03.000 He was like, yeah, this will do.

01:39:04.000 Yeah, just fucking, look at that.

01:39:06.000 Oh, that's him.

01:39:08.000 Even his fucking motorcycle's awesome.

01:39:10.000 I'm gay.

01:39:18.000 Hey, can I watch you guys fuck through a peephole?

01:39:22.000 Okay, I don't like saying that when there's a baby on the screen.

01:39:24.000 I am gay.

01:39:26.000 Keep going.

01:39:29.000 Can we say?

01:39:29.000 Dude, you have to save this page in case we lose her again.

01:39:32.000 Yeah, you can do that quite easily.

01:39:36.000 You try to save.

01:39:37.000 This is called life goals, folks.

01:39:39.000 We're not simping.

01:39:40.000 Simp if you want the person.

01:39:42.000 I don't want her.

01:39:43.000 I want her to continue to live a happy life with her gorgeous, cool husband.

01:39:47.000 You're just happy for her.

01:39:48.000 He's a 10.

01:39:50.000 I'm just very happy.

01:39:51.000 Nigga's a teen. 1.00

01:39:52.000 Yo, nigga, you a 10. 1.00

01:39:55.000 Motherfucker. 0.99

01:39:56.000 Oh, tens walking around.

01:39:58.000 Huge bazooms? 0.99

01:40:00.000 Or is that someone else?

01:40:02.000 Yeah, it might be somebody else because she blocked out the physace. 0.83

01:40:05.000 They look like fun dudes to hang with, don't they?

01:40:08.000 Yeah, that's a party.

01:40:09.000 Although they probably hate me because I'm a Nazi.

01:40:13.000 He's kind of edgy.

01:40:15.000 He likes Trump.

01:40:17.000 Yeah, they all hate Trump and racism.

01:40:20.000 The Nazis. 0.71

01:40:21.000 They have a crossed out swastika.

01:40:23.000 What else do you hate?

01:40:24.000 Dracula and werewolves.

01:40:25.000 I used to wear swastikas just as a fuck you.

01:40:30.000 Yep.

01:40:31.000 Anyway.

01:40:33.000 High quality broad.

01:40:34.000 I'm glad she's back.

01:40:35.000 HQB.

01:40:38.000 Put that on your to-do list to save, Ryan.

01:40:39.000 Although we've already milked it to death, right?

01:40:43.000 Have you?

01:40:43.000 Her comments are from four weeks ago.

01:40:47.000 Oh, I saved her entire page.

01:40:50.000 So now it's just on our computer.

01:40:52.000 Here, go back to the very top.

01:40:54.000 Last thing we're going to show on her.

01:40:56.000 This is life goals, folks.

01:40:58.000 Look at the movie.

01:40:59.000 It's number like 369.

01:41:04.000 Click on that movie.

01:41:05.000 Life goals, folks.

01:41:13.000 Trying to eat a hot dog off a chain.

01:41:15.000 Nice.

01:41:16.000 Imagine it's just you swinging from it, presenting your dick as a hot dog. 0.91

01:41:20.000 Actually, I'm so into her, I would chop my dick off and put it on the chain just so she'll watch on the bushes. 1.00

01:41:26.000 And I'll just have a tear going down my face as my dick gets touched by her lips. 0.99

01:41:29.000 And then I'd slowly bleed to death in the grass.

01:41:35.000 Ba-boom! 1.00

01:41:37.000 And my last words are, worth it.

01:41:42.000 This last, yeah, there's just a note, this is worth it.

01:41:44.000 Signed Gavin.

01:41:45.000 And he bled out with binoculars by his side in the bushes.

01:41:50.000 And apparently his penis was found on a string.

01:41:53.000 Bled out with binoculars.

01:41:57.000 Okay.

01:42:01.000 What was that?

01:42:03.000 I'm still trying to look at this intonation fest.

01:42:06.000 Imagine all you see with the binoculars, instead of her touching it, she comes, wait, wait, wait, guys, stop.

01:42:11.000 And everybody stops.

01:42:12.000 And she's like, it's somebody's dick. 0.94

01:42:14.000 And then they start making fun of it all.

01:42:16.000 And they're like, it's gross looking.

01:42:18.000 The last thing I hear as I'm dying is, ha, ha, fat.

01:42:20.000 You're just echoing laughter.

01:42:22.000 It's so small.

01:42:26.000 Like that guy, Dave Smith and I see this big fat pig at the Creek in the Cove, the libertarian comedian.

01:42:32.000 Who's fat now, by the way?

01:42:34.000 Dave Smith is fine.

01:42:35.000 Is he actually fat?

01:42:36.000 Yeah.

01:42:36.000 I thought that was a fucking filter.

01:42:38.000 Oh, maybe it is.

01:42:40.000 I don't know.

01:42:42.000 I just saw him a couple weeks ago on the Legion of Skank show.

01:42:45.000 Oh, and he looked normal?

01:42:46.000 The comedy podcast show?

01:42:48.000 I haven't talked to him in a long time.

01:42:50.000 I'm just going to text him right now.

01:42:51.000 Hey, man.

01:42:51.000 Yeah, look at this.

01:42:52.000 Are you fat now?

01:42:54.000 So people are selling Big E him merch.

01:42:58.000 But I don't know if he's actually a fat so watso. 0.99

01:43:01.000 There, I just text him.

01:43:02.000 Wait, are you fat now?

01:43:08.000 You're dead to me.

01:43:08.000 No, I don't think it's real.

01:43:09.000 I think it's a meme that's.

01:43:11.000 Jews can look very Hispanic when they get fat. 1.00

01:43:13.000 Hell yeah.

01:43:15.000 Anyway, so me and that guy, there's some big fat pig, and he had just been on stage.

01:43:21.000 We looked up.

01:43:22.000 I used to know his name.

01:43:23.000 Remember, we talked about this on the Gavin McKinnis show.

01:43:25.000 He was a porn star in the 80s, good looking guy.

01:43:29.000 And he is now like this fat.

01:43:32.000 And he gets on stage and he says, back when I was a porn star, I fucked Goldie Hahn at the behest of, what's his name?

01:43:40.000 Escape from New York.

01:43:42.000 Oh, fucking Russell.

01:43:44.000 Kurt Russell.

01:43:45.000 Kurt Russell.

01:43:46.000 Kurt Russell had me fuck Goldie Hahn in front of him because I'm a porn star. 1.00

01:43:49.000 I was good at it.

01:43:50.000 But it totally bombed because no one in the audience, they're all millennials.

01:43:54.000 They don't know who Kurt Russell is, who Goldie Hahn is, what a porn star is.

01:43:59.000 So it flopped.

01:44:00.000 So you bombed, big deal. 0.71

01:44:02.000 That's what happens on Open Mic.

01:44:04.000 But it gave him a panic attack.

01:44:05.000 So he goes to the thing, and he's like, I got to sit down.

01:44:08.000 So he sits down, he undoes his belt, and me and Dave are like, fucking fat pig.

01:44:13.000 And then he goes, I need a drink, give me a drink.

01:44:15.000 And we're like, the custom is to come to the bar and ask the bartender.

01:44:19.000 You don't really yell, give me a drink with your fucking pants undone.

01:44:22.000 He's like, I don't feel good.

01:44:23.000 I don't feel good.

01:44:24.000 Like, yeah, that's clear.

01:44:26.000 And we're shitting on him.

01:44:28.000 And the waitress eventually, the bartender, brings him a beer or water.

01:44:31.000 And he's like, I'm freaking out.

01:44:32.000 I'm freaking out.

01:44:34.000 He dies.

01:44:36.000 Whoa.

01:44:39.000 It gets worse and worse.

01:44:40.000 The fire department comes.

01:44:41.000 They put him in a, we're in the basement of the Creek in the cave.

01:44:48.000 They put him in a wheelchair that's this big, and it's like reinforced with iron bars.

01:44:54.000 And it takes four beasts that look like Captain America to get him up the stairs.

01:44:59.000 Gong, gong, gong, like two pulling and two pushing.

01:45:04.000 And they finally get him up there.

01:45:05.000 And then we go and we did, I guess I did Legion of Skanks. 0.90

01:45:08.000 And then we go back out to have more drinks.

01:45:10.000 And there's his brother.

01:45:11.000 And he goes, were you just here with a big heavyset guy?

01:45:13.000 You know, when someone says heavyset, it means I liked him.

01:45:16.000 Right.

01:45:16.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:45:17.000 What happened with him?

01:45:18.000 He was freaking out.

01:45:19.000 They go, he died.

01:45:20.000 And Dave and I realized his last moments on Earth.

01:45:25.000 Were me and Dave going, I'm like, no, no, no.

01:45:28.000 Oh, no.

01:45:30.000 Not in fucking fat big of a fatso.

01:45:36.000 Just like them laughing at your bleeding.

01:45:43.000 Oh my God.

01:45:44.000 Yeah, that's like hell.

01:45:47.000 And all the porn is going flashing through his life.

01:45:50.000 He sort of can see coherently, even though he feels his heart going boom, boom, boom, boom.

01:45:56.000 But he can still see.

01:46:00.000 Get it yourself, fuck me. 0.69

01:46:03.000 Drink of water.

01:46:05.000 Fuck it, fuck it, fuck it.

01:46:08.000 Oh, no.

01:46:10.000 Don't be fat, kids.

01:46:12.000 Oh, that's the moral.

01:46:14.000 That's the moral.

01:46:16.000 Yeah.

01:46:16.000 I don't feel bad.

01:46:18.000 How the fuck is I supposed to know?

01:46:22.000 What are you looking up?

01:46:23.000 Trying to find that episode?

01:46:24.000 Yeah, it's not easy to be.

01:46:26.000 You might look up like Pornstar, Pornstar, Pornstar Dead.

01:46:32.000 Cave?

01:46:35.000 Dead Pornstars.

01:46:37.000 Story on Rescue Squad Volunteer who was a former porn star.

01:46:43.000 What was it called?

01:46:44.000 The Creek in the Cave?

01:46:45.000 Creek in the Cave.

01:46:48.000 The Creek in the Cave.

01:46:50.000 The Creek and the Cave dies.

01:46:55.000 Heart Attack?

01:47:01.000 Yeah, that's going to take some looking.

01:47:04.000 Yeah, but he'd fucking die, dude.

01:47:06.000 Wait, Darren Dylan?

01:47:08.000 Looks like it might be his name.

01:47:13.000 No, no, no.

01:47:15.000 Alright, sorry.

01:47:16.000 Back to work.

01:47:18.000 Hola Chola and Hege, how's this rate on a 1 to 10 crying scale?

01:47:28.000 Wait, that's the first one there?

01:47:32.000 I got it.

01:47:40.000 You have to jump ahead to like 246, right?

01:47:44.000 I've seen this actually.

01:47:46.000 Does he start crying?

01:47:48.000 No, I don't think so.

01:48:07.000 I'm going to rate that as zero on the crying scale.

01:48:10.000 Okay, that's fair, but he also wrote a song and he's like, I think this is my last song I'll ever write.

01:48:16.000 Because I'm old as hell.

01:48:18.000 I wish an original song.

01:48:20.000 Yeah, and that one's really good.

01:48:21.000 It's like talking about him being an old man and what life was like when he was young and time going by.

01:48:28.000 Pretty good.

01:48:29.000 Boring.

01:48:31.000 All right, this Uyghur Muslims guy keeps emailing us. 0.99

01:48:34.000 He's back again.

01:48:36.000 And he says, My point was about how Arab Muslims treat the Chinese Uyghurs. 0.73

01:48:42.000 That scene is in relation to the blacks' view, the Ofae Patty ass. 0.98

01:48:46.000 Why am I adamant?

01:48:48.000 Spelled wrong.

01:48:48.000 The left is silent on yet another group that doesn't benefit them for votes, so more posturing and further satiation.

01:48:55.000 If I have to see another Hate As No Home here sign on $3 million neighbors' properties that would never have a North Philly family for a Gladwin dinner party, I only will see them focus...

01:49:06.000 Yeah, dude, you can't speak English.

01:49:08.000 You're hard to understand.

01:49:10.000 But I get it.

01:49:11.000 They don't care about the Wiggers. 1.00

01:49:15.000 I want you to hear the song PRD, Punk Rock Died by the Jacksonville, Florida band Grundig.

01:49:20.000 It's on their AP Into Everything.

01:49:22.000 Why?

01:49:24.000 Okay, Punk Rock Died by the Jacksonville, Florida by Grundig.

01:49:28.000 That's a lot of copying, pasting, and deleting.

01:49:31.000 Yeah.

01:49:32.000 By the punk rock band called Gruntig.

01:49:35.000 This guy sends us Hagler versus Hearns, 1985.

01:49:39.000 This is like having every big exchange in a fight packed into one round.

01:49:43.000 Yes, we often mention this fight as the greatest, most savage fight of all time.

01:49:47.000 In fact, when I did my first episode of Compound Censored, I said that was Hagler versus Hearns.

01:49:52.000 Like, I need to, when I do Anthony's show, it's fucking hard work.

01:49:57.000 It's like tennis with John McNamara, like, whack, whack.

01:50:00.000 Like, I'm fucking exhausted at the end.

01:50:04.000 I actually appreciate the walk back to my studio because I need some time.

01:50:11.000 We did a Hagler Hearns.

01:50:12.000 We did Haggler versus Hearns, you fucking stupid tard. 1.00

01:50:15.000 Yeah, bitch. 1.00

01:50:18.000 Here we go.

01:50:19.000 Yeah.

01:50:20.000 Thanks for showing us something that's already on the site.

01:50:22.000 Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Fagg. 1.00

01:50:23.000 I believe he's using the phrase, oh, shut up, shut up, shut up.

01:50:27.000 Who's that about the song?

01:50:30.000 This is from a guy named H. I'm over to 1.39 p.m. now.

01:50:34.000 Anyone remember that there were media reports of Derek Chauvin and George Floyd working together?

01:50:38.000 This was never brought up in Chauvin's trial.

01:50:41.000 I looked it up.

01:50:41.000 It turns out they may not have worked together.

01:50:44.000 Okay.

01:50:45.000 Thank you for that, Heather.

01:50:49.000 Your threat to fire Ryan yesterday reminded me of this.

01:50:52.000 The movie's entertaining and has a lot of good lines, but Buddy's character takes the cake.

01:50:57.000 Okay, so he wants us to see a movie.

01:50:59.000 Von der Lost.

01:51:00.000 Simple dad entry.

01:51:01.000 Do they still use computers in New York City?

01:51:04.000 Yeah.

01:51:04.000 You want me to enter this data?

01:51:07.000 You're questioning me?

01:51:08.000 Don't question me.

01:51:09.000 Here, you're not my brother.

01:51:10.000 You're not my buddy.

01:51:10.000 You're my employee.

01:51:11.000 You're my employee.

01:51:12.000 Got it?

01:51:13.000 Are you serious?

01:51:14.000 Am I serious?

01:51:15.000 You're fired.

01:51:18.000 You're rehired.

01:51:19.000 Okay, consider that a warning shot.

01:51:21.000 Get to work.

01:51:22.000 Panco, watch this guy.

01:51:23.000 That's the funniest person I've ever met in my life.

01:51:26.000 Keep your eye on Panco, because I don't trust these people, okay?

01:51:38.000 That guy, Ken, he's got a weird name.

01:51:40.000 Like he's Japanese. 1.00

01:51:43.000 He was the guy that Kenny Powers got fired in Eastbound and Down.

01:51:50.000 Ken Fosito.

01:51:51.000 Ken Marino.

01:51:52.000 Marino.

01:51:52.000 I guess that's not so weird.

01:51:53.000 Ken Marino.

01:51:54.000 He's a Japanese man named Marino.

01:51:57.000 Very Italian funny.

01:51:58.000 Funniest fucking guy.

01:51:59.000 His wife's Asian.

01:52:00.000 He's awesome.

01:52:01.000 I was at Jennifer Anison's house with boring people.

01:52:05.000 She had paid Samantha.

01:52:08.000 What's her name?

01:52:10.000 She's a DJ. 0.97

01:52:10.000 Her sister's famous. 0.97

01:52:12.000 I forget her name.

01:52:15.000 She's like a wigger. 1.00

01:52:17.000 But she was DJing and she had all of these people to make the party fun. 0.66

01:52:20.000 And we were playing charades.

01:52:22.000 And him and I and his wife decided, let's just cheat.

01:52:27.000 So when I was doing the movie, I'd be like, Star Wars.

01:52:30.000 And I'd be like, and they're like, space, space, outer space, Star Wars.

01:52:35.000 That's market audience.

01:52:37.000 When I first met him, I was talking about masturbating.

01:52:40.000 This is the first time I ever met him.

01:52:42.000 And I go, yeah, the problem with beating off is, you know, you have a wife. 0.82

01:52:47.000 So you got to like imagine her dying in a plane crash before you can start beating off because or else it's infidelity and it's not this fun.

01:52:57.000 You feel guilty.

01:52:58.000 And he goes, wait a minute.

01:53:01.000 You're crashing a plane just so you can beat off?

01:53:04.000 And I go, yeah, I guess so.

01:53:06.000 He goes, you ever think about the other people in that plane?

01:53:08.000 And I go, no, I never did.

01:53:10.000 He goes, some old lady's going to visit her grandchildren for the first time and you're careening that plane into a mountain?

01:53:16.000 Fuck you.

01:53:21.000 Quality.

01:53:21.000 And it's rare, like when you meet celebrities, it's rare that they live up to anything, let alone way funnier than you thought.

01:53:29.000 He has the sprinkles, that's for sure.

01:53:33.000 Here's a compilation of things that build up your anticipation, but don't give you finality.

01:53:37.000 You can skip the first one.

01:53:38.000 Only Ryan will understand it.

01:53:40.000 Well, that's mean.

01:53:43.000 Unless it's something gay, then that's mean to me. 1.00

01:53:47.000 Yeah, that's Tetris.

01:53:48.000 Oh, yeah.

01:53:49.000 Like, you know, there's Reddit slash satisfying, where it's a bunch of things that are, like, look good to do.

01:53:55.000 This is like eggs getting stuck to a pan, and like, when you rip off the label for a thing.

01:54:00.000 Oh, wow.

01:54:02.000 That one really sucks.

01:54:04.000 I wasn't familiar with this genre, but it's awesome.

01:54:06.000 Wait, that one really sucked.

01:54:09.000 Oh.

01:54:11.000 This is my sex life in a nutshell.

01:54:13.000 I keep thinking it's going to move, or we're going to get a second.

01:54:16.000 This is like my wife dressed up in lingerie. 1.00

01:54:18.000 And we think it's going to be a long session.

01:54:20.000 And I'm like, whoops.

01:54:22.000 Sorry.

01:54:30.000 Here we go.

01:54:30.000 It's going to hit the explosive end.

01:54:44.000 Wait, I can't.

01:54:45.000 This is bad for me.

01:54:47.000 Yeah, I don't think you have the IQ to handle this.

01:54:50.000 You should probably stop.

01:54:51.000 I don't like it.

01:54:54.000 I want to see it do the good thing.

01:54:56.000 Did somebody make it extremely difficult?

01:54:58.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:55:14.000 But all the same, I play the screen.

01:55:15.000 That's what I've all done.

01:55:28.000 Alright, that's enough.

01:55:29.000 We got it.

01:55:30.000 The mailbag turned into final video, so we might as well go to the final video.

01:55:33.000 Yeesh.

01:55:45.000 The lag has made it so every video we show is exactly that unsatisfying.

01:55:51.000 Have you given up on that or we've just assumed that it's um you're waiting for the new try?

01:55:55.000 It's the new try.

01:55:56.000 Okay, let's just only do four, three. 0.80

01:56:01.000 This trans shit has gotten so insane that I'm now them. 1.00

01:56:06.000 This guy is a lesbian who is non-cis female presenting. 0.96

01:56:12.000 In other words, it's a slightly eccentric heterosexual male who has something stuck to his hat.

01:56:19.000 I got I'm eccentric.

01:56:20.000 I occasionally have shit stuck to my hat.

01:56:22.000 Not a ponytail, but some stuff.

01:56:25.000 What's he got?

01:56:26.000 Well, first off, I don't say I'm trans female.

01:56:30.000 Is it?

01:56:31.000 Well, first off, I don't say I'm trans female.

01:56:34.000 I am trans female.

01:56:36.000 It's not really up for debate.

01:56:37.000 And I think what you meant was why don't I present more cis presenting female?

01:56:44.000 It's kind of hard to understand, but I'm a big lesbian.

01:56:48.000 And I have no actual interest in presenting as a cis feminine female because that's an entirely brainwashed image. 0.61

01:56:59.000 It was Created by Hollywood and the fashion industry and the porn industry, all of which were at one point controlled by men. 0.61

01:57:10.000 Yes, the patriarchy brainwashing society into what they wanted women to be and look like. 0.98

01:57:19.000 So I hope I answered your question that I am presenting as feminine.

01:57:26.000 I'm not presenting as cis presenting feminine because it's a lie. 1.00

01:57:30.000 Well, first off, I don't see.

01:57:32.000 Got it?

01:57:33.000 Do you understand?

01:57:35.000 Yes, I do.

01:57:36.000 Yeah, I do.

01:57:39.000 But Jesse from Breaking Bad has fallen a long way.

01:57:43.000 He sure has.

01:57:44.000 So, folks, this is what happens when you listen to the radical left.

01:57:48.000 Rashida Tlaib wants us to get rid of the police.

01:57:51.000 AOC wants us to spend $650,000 per person making America more green, including all of its buildings.

01:57:59.000 Okay, I guess we knock down Manhattan and rebuild it.

01:58:02.000 Or every building from now on.

01:58:04.000 Do they have grass coming out of the windows?

01:58:05.000 What's going on?

01:58:07.000 We're done hearing their side.

01:58:09.000 Okay, after Martin Luther King was assassinated, we said, what the fuck?

01:58:13.000 We're ready to listen to the radical left.

01:58:15.000 And we did for half a century.

01:58:18.000 And we've just slowly realized that what you just saw is what you get when you let the lunatics run the asylum.

01:58:24.000 A guy who thinks he's a fucking lesbian because he eats pussy.

01:58:30.000 We're all lesbians now. 1.00

01:58:32.000 So we're done listening to you.

01:58:34.000 It's the great national or cultural divorce.

01:58:37.000 It's not just America that's having a divorce. 0.99

01:58:39.000 The entire Western world is divorcing itself from these fucking bampots, as we say in Scotland. 1.00

01:58:46.000 And it's very cathartic.

01:58:48.000 Like that, my old buddy Alex there, who says that she can't do this anymore.

01:58:54.000 Bye-bye.

01:58:55.000 Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out.

01:58:58.000 We're done with you too, bitch. 1.00

01:59:00.000 Fuck you.

01:59:02.000 Fuck you, lefties. 1.00

01:59:03.000 I'd rather listen to sane people.

01:59:04.000 As my dad said, I've never had a coherent argument with someone who hates Trump.

01:59:10.000 They never mentioned policy.

01:59:13.000 It's always the pussy grabbing, etc. 1.00

01:59:16.000 Never one morsel of truth.

01:59:20.000 I bet if you spoke to the king of England, Prince Philip, before he died, he wouldn't have any coherent truth.

01:59:28.000 In the interim, folks, before Monday, I hope you learn to get fired, get in trouble, be brave, and never stop fighting.

Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - April 15, 2021

S03E99 - OBSTREPEROUS TRIFECTA

Episode Stats

Summary

Transcript