Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - S04E45

00:00:56.000 Wow.

00:00:57.000 That is a great exclamation mark to the end of our garage music week.

00:01:03.000 What a fucking band they are.

00:01:06.000 Clearly influenced by Little Richard.

00:01:08.000 I call him the first screamer, as we discussed last night.

00:01:11.000 Those others don't count.

00:01:12.000 And then they were the first to really take it.

00:01:16.000 And that was 1960, Tacoma, Washington.

00:01:19.000 Saxophones, the lamest instrument in the world, sounds awesome to them.

00:01:24.000 From them.

00:01:25.000 Wow.

00:01:26.000 What a fucking band.

00:01:29.000 1960.

00:01:31.000 They sound like, like, if they were to play a show today, you'd go, whoa, those guys are a little intense.

00:01:36.000 They're clearly a punk band.

00:01:38.000 This is 1960.

00:01:39.000 Rock is like five years old.

00:01:43.000 Fucking cool.

00:01:44.000 You know what I did, though, unfortunately?

00:01:47.000 I saw them recently.

00:01:49.000 Oh, Ew.

00:01:51.000 And they're clearly old.

00:01:53.000 I mean, they're 75.

00:01:55.000 They're 80, right?

00:01:57.000 Say they're like 20 in 1960.

00:02:00.000 Then they are 30 years older than me.

00:02:01.000 That's 80.

00:02:03.000 Holy shit.

00:02:12.000 They look pretty fucking good.

00:02:15.000 Wait a minute.

00:02:16.000 Those are some new members.

00:02:22.000 Plastic surgery?

00:02:38.000 She has dead eyes.

00:02:41.000 Anyway, what am I shitting on a fucking...

00:02:43.000 I find a marvelous band like the Sonics, and I've just got a crap on them.

00:02:48.000 They've done their part.

00:02:49.000 Yeah.

00:02:49.000 They've served their tour.

00:02:51.000 They've done.

00:02:51.000 They're vets.

00:02:52.000 I once, when I had a home in Costa Rica, I had the dude from Japan, the band Japan, Robert Dean, was my guy.

00:03:01.000 He just lived there.

00:03:02.000 I won't call him like a houseboy, whatever.

00:03:05.000 He was the groundskeeper, no, the groundskeeper.

00:03:07.000 He just lived there, okay?

00:03:08.000 Because you have to have someone white living there or the Ticos are going to take it.

00:03:12.000 And he'd seen the Beatles in the 50s.

00:03:14.000 I mean, the guy's been around.

00:03:16.000 And I said, so the Sonics screaming like that in the 60s.

00:03:20.000 I mean, that must have been incredible.

00:03:22.000 Did you see them?

00:03:22.000 And he goes, yes.

00:03:24.000 And I go, that must have been mind-blowing to see that kind of music so early on.

00:03:28.000 And he goes, well, for those of us that were there, it wasn't that impressive.

00:03:34.000 And I've turned into him.

00:03:36.000 I'm Robert Dean now.

00:03:37.000 Captain Shitty Pants.

00:03:39.000 Speaking of shitting your pants, Alec Baldwin made the news as we were doing last night's show.

00:03:44.000 There he is, Robert Dean.

00:03:47.000 He wanted a Doberman pincer.

00:03:49.000 And I was like, in Costa Rica, dogs live for an hour and a half because they get attacked by raccoons and snakes.

00:03:55.000 And then even if they don't die of poison, the cuts get infected.

00:04:00.000 And so I just got him a mutt.

00:04:01.000 I go, we'll just have a mutt at the house.

00:04:03.000 I don't want some elaborate, fancy fucking dog that's $2,000.

00:04:07.000 I got a free one.

00:04:08.000 And I go, what do you think?

00:04:10.000 Let's call him, he wanted to call him Stanley Kubrick.

00:04:13.000 And I go, what do you think of the new Stanley?

00:04:15.000 And he goes, he was furious.

00:04:18.000 And he goes, he looks common.

00:04:20.000 He looks like every other dog in town.

00:04:27.000 But yeah, one of the biggest anti-gun loudmouths just shot someone dead as a doornail.

00:04:36.000 There he is, dealing with the pain.

00:04:39.000 Now, so we know what blanks are, right?

00:04:42.000 It's the bullet without the bullet part.

00:04:44.000 It's all the other stuff, the boom and the everything, but there's no trajectory shooting forward.

00:04:49.000 But I guess there is some stuff that shoots forward.

00:04:52.000 Anyway, that's not what happened with this.

00:04:54.000 It was a live round.

00:04:56.000 I guess the armorer, they call them, fucked up.

00:04:59.000 But I don't understand how you shot two people.

00:05:02.000 And I also don't get why you would point anything at a human being.

00:05:06.000 I don't, I've never shot a gun with blanks, but I don't think I would aim it at a person, ever.

00:05:12.000 Like, why risk it?

00:05:14.000 Alec risked it.

00:05:15.000 All these gun-hating people don't know how to wield a gun.

00:05:20.000 Oh, my God.

00:05:21.000 Sam Elliott.

00:05:21.000 Hi.

00:05:22.000 How you doing?

00:05:24.000 They sure know how to talk about it, but they don't know how to handle an all-new caliber gun.

00:05:32.000 All-new caliber gun?

00:05:34.000 So it's a gun that has a caliber that's never been used before.

00:05:38.000 Yeah, that's true.

00:05:39.000 I mean, you know, this Alec Baldwin man making fun of our former President Trump.

00:05:46.000 And that's enough.

00:05:49.000 But he probably drives a shitty car, not like the all-new Dodge Ram.

00:05:55.000 Probably drives a Toyota Fiesta or maybe even a Winnebaga.

00:05:59.000 Kia piece of shit.

00:06:01.000 Some shitty fucking Korean bullshit.

00:06:04.000 Would it kill you to buy American?

00:06:06.000 Isn't that an all-new?

00:06:08.000 I don't think that's a Dodge Ram.

00:06:10.000 Pardon?

00:06:11.000 Nothing.

00:06:12.000 So he's getting eaten alive on Twitter.

00:06:15.000 Now, you wouldn't be doing this if it was like some old lady who accidentally shot her neighbor.

00:06:19.000 But when someone has been such a self-righteous prick, constantly bitching about guns, constantly, you can't help but attack him.

00:06:29.000 And he's getting attacked By everyone.

00:06:31.000 Michael Malice, who I don't like because he talks shit about me, and I think I discovered him.

00:06:36.000 But he was telling people I'm a bad person.

00:06:39.000 So I may or may not have shoved him.

00:06:41.000 But I can't deny genius.

00:06:43.000 And the guy is fucking smart, which is one thing, but he's also witty.

00:06:49.000 And his Twitter feed murdered Alec Baldwin.

00:06:54.000 He should be under arrest.

00:06:56.000 They're going to be out of order.

00:06:58.000 I fear for your safety.

00:07:00.000 Alec Baldwin killed her because days prior he received intelligence that she was a planner for ISIS.

00:07:05.000 That's not funny.

00:07:11.000 There's no.

00:07:14.000 Wait a minute.

00:07:15.000 You're moving around too fast.

00:07:17.000 So if it's one hour ago, that's way too...

00:07:19.000 You have to go to Dodo this morning.

00:07:23.000 That's when he was really cooking.

00:07:26.000 Dinesh D'Souza, too.

00:07:28.000 I guess I should have had these links prepared.

00:07:31.000 I'm going to make a bright banana yell teacher to read.

00:07:34.000 My hands are up.

00:07:34.000 Please don't shoot me.

00:07:35.000 Who wants one?

00:07:36.000 No, that's Dinesh D'Souza.

00:07:37.000 Yeah, that's pretty good.

00:07:39.000 But find me a malice one, dude.

00:07:41.000 I didn't include a link because his whole feed all morning has been gold.

00:07:46.000 And you can't show us the gold?

00:07:49.000 If it's one hour ago, it's going to be all reactions to everyone saying, that's fucked up, Michael.

00:07:54.000 Give the family time to grieve.

00:07:56.000 If a loved one, if I have a loved one who dies, I need like 30 years to grieve.

00:08:01.000 I'm still not over 9-11.

00:08:04.000 I can't look at that Let's Roll movie.

00:08:10.000 And just like that, they forget about Gabby Petito.

00:08:12.000 But you could make fucking...

00:08:15.000 Amy Sederis, talk about Too Soon.

00:08:18.000 She made a 9-11 joke as the planes were hitting the building, as the smoke was coming out.

00:08:24.000 She was dating that junkie who died, Philip Seymour Hoffman.

00:08:28.000 And while he was looking at the building from their roof in awe like this, she was staring at him.

00:08:33.000 And he goes, what?

00:08:35.000 What are you thinking about?

00:08:36.000 What are you doing?

00:08:37.000 What are you thinking about?

00:08:38.000 And she goes, I'm thinking about us.

00:08:43.000 That was at like 10 a.m. on September 11th.

00:08:46.000 Anyway, so Alec Baldwin's film career was mostly peaceful.

00:08:49.000 Yeah, there we go.

00:08:54.000 Enjoy your viral hour.

00:08:56.000 What a piece of shit.

00:08:57.000 Have some respect.

00:08:58.000 Alec Baldwin just got to kill someone.

00:09:00.000 Alec Baldwin proves how dangerous white male political extremists are.

00:09:03.000 Wow.

00:09:04.000 I guess we know who will be playing Aaron Burr in the Hamilton movie.

00:09:08.000 Alec Baldwin is an A-list actor.

00:09:10.000 He has a list of people he gets to murder.

00:09:16.000 I recommend a little thought experiment for everyone moaning about Michael's jokes.

00:09:19.000 Imagine, if you will, exactly what Alec would be vomiting all over the place if someone else had done this.

00:09:24.000 Yeah, great point.

00:09:25.000 Careful if you say his name three times, you'll summon him, and then he'll kill you and call his daughter a pig.

00:09:31.000 That's very...

00:09:32.000 Who's that guy that talks like this?

00:09:35.000 John Oliver.

00:09:36.000 Yeah.

00:09:36.000 John Oliver-esque.

00:09:37.000 Delivery.

00:09:38.000 I don't think you know how babies are made.

00:09:40.000 Have some decency.

00:09:41.000 You bald, soulless ghoul.

00:09:45.000 That's not related.

00:09:46.000 That's a Gabby Petito joke.

00:09:48.000 Yeah, but no, the guy telling him to be tasteful, he said some shit about Gabby Petito.

00:09:57.000 Time to take out the laundry.

00:09:59.000 So he made a joke about her.

00:10:03.000 That guy just has that face.

00:10:05.000 Yeah.

00:10:06.000 Soy face.

00:10:07.000 I hate your guts.

00:10:08.000 He looks like a soy or John Oliver, if possible.

00:10:10.000 Yeah.

00:10:11.000 And bald guys, you don't have to shave your head bald.

00:10:14.000 You haven't sinned.

00:10:16.000 And when you shave your head bald, we still see the stubble on the sides and the bald on the top.

00:10:21.000 So I don't know who you think you're fooling.

00:10:24.000 We know you're bald, but you're just like, it's like in ancient China, this is an ancient Chinese secret, but in the days of Wong Feihong, the Chinese weren't allowed to grow their hair in the front or something.

00:10:39.000 So they would shave it up to here, but then they grow it long in the back and have this long, long braid as like a fuck you to the emperor.

00:10:45.000 And then the emperor would occasionally cut it, which was the most humiliating thing you could do to a Chinaman back in, I don't know, fucking 1700s, 1800s.

00:10:55.000 It's like we're doing that.

00:10:56.000 Like you've sinned by going bald and you have to shave your whole fucking head.

00:11:00.000 Look at this one.

00:11:01.000 I had to retweet this.

00:11:02.000 This is the best one.

00:11:03.000 Me comes inside.

00:11:04.000 Her, you better be shooting blanks.

00:11:06.000 Me.

00:11:10.000 Yeah, that's what I was going to get to.

00:11:11.000 That fucking crypt daddy, Gimp, Donovan, I think is the winner.

00:11:16.000 I've only just discovered him this week.

00:11:19.000 True.

00:11:20.000 Have you?

00:11:21.000 You know, I knew about him a little bit, but no, no, fairly new to it.

00:11:25.000 I'd probably beat you by a week.

00:11:27.000 It shows you how random God is with giving the sprinkles.

00:11:31.000 Black, white, severely handicapped.

00:11:33.000 He doesn't even look.

00:11:34.000 I think he just gets up on a cloud and he has the comedy sprinkles and he's just like...

00:11:44.000 And then we're like, dude, you could have given that to a hunk.

00:11:48.000 That guy's paralyzed.

00:11:50.000 See if you can get Donovan on.

00:11:52.000 Sure, sure.

00:11:53.000 We have his Skype.

00:11:55.000 But let's look at more of his tweets before we do.

00:12:00.000 Oh, hold on, hold on.

00:12:01.000 I'm getting some breaking news here.

00:12:04.000 Hello?

00:12:06.000 Oh, my God.

00:12:06.000 You're kidding me.

00:12:07.000 Well, we'll have to announce it on the show.

00:12:09.000 Folks, this just in.

00:12:11.000 More exciting news than Alec Baldwin murdering someone.

00:12:14.000 Ryan Katsu Rivera is not allowed to eat fast food.

00:12:18.000 Oh.

00:12:21.000 I got away with it, to be frank.

00:12:24.000 To be frank?

00:12:26.000 Yes.

00:12:27.000 Ryan last night borrowed $10 from Maddie.

00:12:30.000 He's got plenty of money.

00:12:31.000 And we go, why are you borrowing money?

00:12:33.000 He goes, well, if it's on my credit cards, his wife will see it and she'll know that he's spending money on fast food, which he's not allowed to do.

00:12:42.000 We have to be a little tight.

00:12:47.000 No.

00:12:48.000 And then Maddie went to Taco Bell and he saw you quietly eating in the parking lot.

00:12:54.000 That's right.

00:12:55.000 And Maddie had a burrito that cost him $2.80.

00:13:00.000 I had a box.

00:13:00.000 It was $5.

00:13:01.000 Sorry, honey.

00:13:04.000 Sorry, honey.

00:13:05.000 Why?

00:13:06.000 Taco Bell is so cheap that I often assume they got the thing wrong.

00:13:11.000 It's like $1 for those little slim burritos.

00:13:14.000 I had a $5 crunchy cheesy box.

00:13:17.000 Whoa, you're really splurging.

00:13:20.000 But then another time I was in the car with you and I hear your wife going, I need it now.

00:13:24.000 And you had to Venmo her $100.

00:13:28.000 Right, yeah, because we didn't merge our bank accounts quite yet.

00:13:30.000 And she also doesn't have a card.

00:13:31.000 She's getting one soon.

00:13:32.000 And then we'll be able to access all the things that I can access.

00:13:38.000 Okay, but doesn't she have a bank account?

00:13:40.000 Like, didn't she have one before?

00:13:42.000 Yeah, but the money would be, her check would go to my bank account.

00:13:47.000 Her work check.

00:13:49.000 Okay.

00:13:51.000 So everybody's going to be able to do it.

00:13:51.000 She has no way to need money, yeah.

00:13:53.000 Okay, so that's absurd in and of itself, but that's been handled.

00:13:57.000 Now you guys have the same bank account, right?

00:13:59.000 All right, so let's get back to the initial most embarrassing thing I've ever heard, which is your wife doesn't let you have Taco Bell because it's too, what's the word?

00:14:10.000 It's splurging.

00:14:12.000 Extravagant.

00:14:12.000 That's what I was saying.

00:14:14.000 Too extravagant.

00:14:14.000 So you try to borrow money for friends so it'll be off the books and then you skulk away and hide in a parking lot eating a $5 burrito box in your car drenched in shame.

00:14:27.000 Maddie pulls up to me.

00:14:28.000 I didn't know who it was.

00:14:29.000 I just looked and I just kind of nodded in case they made eye contact or something and I didn't know who it was.

00:14:35.000 And then he's like, nothing wrong with that.

00:14:37.000 And I'm like, oh, fuck, crunch.

00:14:41.000 She's like, what'd you get?

00:14:44.000 I was like, you know, a cheesy, beefy box or whatever the fuck.

00:14:48.000 Dude, but here's the thing.

00:14:49.000 I called her.

00:14:50.000 So I look at my text after the show and she ate all of my Italian cookies.

00:14:54.000 We went to this Italian bakery and we picked out like a half pound of these nice cookies.

00:14:58.000 That's not interesting.

00:14:58.000 Your wife's pregnant.

00:14:59.000 I don't care if she eats pickled.

00:15:00.000 Because she ate the cookies, all of my cookies, left me one rainbow cookie.

00:15:05.000 Yeah, this isn't interesting.

00:15:06.000 Nothing close to as embarrassing.

00:15:09.000 She left me one rainbow cookie.

00:15:10.000 Well, because she did that, I said, I'm going to get Taco Bell, and I don't care if you know it or not.

00:15:15.000 Oh!

00:15:16.000 That's right.

00:15:17.000 This guy's got balls.

00:15:19.000 The fucking balls on you.

00:15:21.000 Oh.

00:15:22.000 You're fucking going out for Taco Bell.

00:15:24.000 That's a very difficult situation.

00:15:27.000 I think I'd do a pretty good poly.

00:15:29.000 I'll do a poly and I'll try to kiss my wife and she's like, I don't want to kiss Polly.

00:15:33.000 And I'm like this.

00:15:33.000 I'm like, I told you about those cookies, didn't I, Tate?

00:15:37.000 Told you.

00:15:38.000 Yeah, let's distract from the most embarrassing thing that I've ever heard of in my life.

00:15:43.000 I just want to abide by...

00:15:45.000 But here's what I don't get.

00:15:46.000 We have to be.

00:15:46.000 Taco Bell's cheap.

00:15:48.000 Like, have you ever heard of fucking a prostitute or buying an eight ball or killing a homeless man?

00:15:55.000 Like, there's a lot of bad things that married men do.

00:15:57.000 Taco Bell's not on the list anywhere in the country.

00:16:01.000 It adds up.

00:16:02.000 And, you know, we're crunching numbers now and we have to budget quite well, frankly, and we have to look into it.

00:16:10.000 Yeah.

00:16:11.000 You know what people on a budget do?

00:16:12.000 They eat at Taco Bell.

00:16:15.000 Good point.

00:16:16.000 That is a good point.

00:16:17.000 But there was good food at home, and that's the thing.

00:16:20.000 But I didn't want to go home and cook.

00:16:23.000 Ryan, it's unacceptable that your wife tells you you can't eat at Taco Bell.

00:16:28.000 Let's just leave it at that.

00:16:30.000 If any woman, I'm not talking about your wife, if any woman in any marriage says, no, you can't do that, if it's not infidelity or drugs or alcohol and you're an alcoholic who wets the bed regularly, like some people, tell her to fuck off.

00:16:43.000 Or don't even say anything.

00:16:44.000 Just go, what?

00:16:48.000 Like, that's insane.

00:16:51.000 Insane.

00:16:52.000 I'm glad you got my back on this, dog.

00:16:54.000 I don't have your back.

00:16:56.000 I'm mad that you let it get this far.

00:16:59.000 You should be so embarrassed that you tried to borrow $10 from Maddie last night so you could sin and go and have an affair at Taco Bell.

00:17:15.000 Laugh it up.

00:17:17.000 Hey, man, can I borrow $10?

00:17:19.000 I'm doing something my wife can't know about.

00:17:21.000 Oh, dude, you're fucking a prostitute?

00:17:22.000 That's fucked up.

00:17:23.000 No, no, no.

00:17:24.000 It's something else.

00:17:25.000 Oh, you do heroin?

00:17:26.000 Dude, you can OD.

00:17:28.000 No, no, no, it's not that.

00:17:29.000 Oh, cocaine?

00:17:29.000 Well, I guess.

00:17:30.000 Okay.

00:17:31.000 I mean, that's not so bad.

00:17:33.000 No, I want to have a burrito.

00:17:35.000 A burrito box.

00:17:37.000 Not just a burrito.

00:17:38.000 What's in the burrito box?

00:17:39.000 A cheesy Gordita.

00:17:41.000 No, a chalupa, a cheesy gordita, like taco, and then a regular taco, and then a drink.

00:17:46.000 There goes our savings.

00:17:48.000 Right down the Taco Bell bowl.

00:17:51.000 So I went to Taco Bell to get a burrito, and she said, no.

00:17:58.000 And I said, yeah, you're not impressioning your way out of this one, Ryan.

00:18:04.000 Is Donovan there yet?

00:18:10.000 Donovan, are you there, sir?

00:18:12.000 We're here and we're queer.

00:18:14.000 You know, your name reminds me of that singer who said, this will be our year.

00:18:18.000 It took a long time to come.

00:18:21.000 Yeah, I like John Lennon.

00:18:23.000 No, that's not him.

00:18:24.000 Yeah, no, it is.

00:18:26.000 You are having a hell of a year, though, Donovan.

00:18:28.000 You're on Twitter.

00:18:31.000 I'm talking about you.

00:18:32.000 You made it.

00:18:33.000 Yeah, that's all that matters to me, really.

00:18:35.000 Now, the only criticism I would have for you, besides the strange shape of your body, is that you're making these Alec Baldwin jokes way too soon.

00:18:45.000 Really?

00:18:46.000 Is it too soon?

00:18:47.000 Yeah, you should wait till Monday.

00:18:50.000 What's on Monday?

00:18:51.000 That's the requisite three-day wait.

00:18:54.000 Is that a rule?

00:18:55.000 Yes.

00:18:56.000 Because you need to give the family time to mourn the death of their mother, their daughter, their sister, etc.

00:19:04.000 I feel like they have other things to worry about than jokes right now.

00:19:09.000 Well, the other problem with waiting three days is everyone else makes all the good jokes.

00:19:14.000 That was how I saw it.

00:19:15.000 I was in a group chat with some of my friends, and they were the ones that broke it to me because they were on 4chan, GoFigure, and it was leaked there before it even hit the news.

00:19:28.000 Oh, really?

00:19:29.000 Yeah, Somebody was on 4chan saying that Alec Baldwin had shot and killed people on set and that the story was going to break soon.

00:19:38.000 And I was like, no fucking way, that's bullshit.

00:19:41.000 And the moment I googled it, it was like the article was up one minute ago.

00:19:46.000 Wow.

00:19:46.000 So I felt like it was my job to capitalize on that.

00:19:52.000 Now, what do you think happened?

00:19:53.000 Because I understand if you're playing around with a gun on set, right?

00:19:56.000 And it goes off and it goes like through a wall and hits someone.

00:20:00.000 Okay.

00:20:01.000 But he shot two people.

00:20:03.000 So that implies that he was like, check this out.

00:20:05.000 Hey, you.

00:20:06.000 And then as she was going, oh, maybe he thought she was kidding and then he shot someone else.

00:20:12.000 Yeah, he was just like, damn, she's good.

00:20:15.000 We got a good one on here.

00:20:17.000 Well, she wasn't an actor, too.

00:20:19.000 She was a cinematographer.

00:20:20.000 You probably thought, she should be in the movie.

00:20:21.000 She's so good at this taking a bullet thing.

00:20:24.000 Wow, she's even fucking bleeding, dude.

00:20:26.000 Commitment, dude.

00:20:28.000 Where'd they get the blood packets?

00:20:30.000 Oh, my God, it's coming out of her mouth.

00:20:31.000 How did she swallow the fake blood?

00:20:34.000 That looks amazing.

00:20:35.000 God move over fucking Daniel J. Lewis.

00:20:41.000 Would it hurt if we shot you?

00:20:44.000 I probably would be a little bit in pain, but I mean, as long as you aim from the spine, whatever.

00:20:50.000 I'm already here.

00:20:52.000 It's not going to do too much.

00:20:54.000 Spine schmein.

00:20:55.000 That's kind of your motto.

00:20:57.000 Exactly.

00:20:58.000 That's been the whole thing since day one.

00:21:01.000 People being like, why do you, how can you say these things and feel okay?

00:21:06.000 What do I have to lose?

00:21:11.000 God canceled me.

00:21:12.000 You can't do any better.

00:21:15.000 What are you going to do?

00:21:16.000 Beat me up?

00:21:17.000 Yeah, whoa.

00:21:19.000 So your comedy career seems to be taking off there.

00:21:22.000 I just discovered you recently, enjoying the Alec Baldwin stuff.

00:21:26.000 I mean, he drew first blood by being such a sanctimonious asshole who does almost nothing but criticize Trump and guns and everything American.

00:21:33.000 So he's doing a Western, an all-American movie, and then he kills a woman using a gun.

00:21:37.000 I mean, it's just too perfect to ignore.

00:21:39.000 Yeah, it's poetic.

00:21:41.000 I mean, the comedy writes itself.

00:21:43.000 I didn't even really do anything.

00:21:45.000 I don't think you have a choice.

00:21:47.000 Like, all those caliber and bullet puns are going to be gone soon.

00:21:51.000 Yeah, I had to do it right as it happened.

00:21:54.000 I'm sorry.

00:21:55.000 If you see anything, my mom's over here taking a flash.

00:21:58.000 Listen, I'm not going to post it.

00:22:00.000 I'm just sending it to Anna because I'm happy for you.

00:22:02.000 I told my mom, I had to get up really quick.

00:22:06.000 And she came in the room.

00:22:07.000 I was like, why?

00:22:08.000 Who are you talking to?

00:22:10.000 I was like, Gavin.

00:22:11.000 And she was like, Gavin.

00:22:12.000 I know I know that name.

00:22:14.000 And I was like, are you aware of any sort of political movements?

00:22:19.000 Any group of people?

00:22:21.000 And she was like, oh, awesome.

00:22:24.000 My people.

00:22:25.000 I feel like she should be a member of the plus size movement, being overweight.

00:22:30.000 I keep telling you that too.

00:22:32.000 Right, Mom?

00:22:33.000 Yeah.

00:22:34.000 That's a huge movement right now, and it's popular.

00:22:37.000 They're considered models now.

00:22:39.000 Like you could model for Victoria's Secret now.

00:22:42.000 That's how popular morbidly obese women are in today's pop culture.

00:22:47.000 I know.

00:22:47.000 It's just really hard because you can't really throw them that far.

00:22:51.000 So you have to roll them everywhere.

00:22:54.000 They take all my credibility away from me because the people who get fat people as being disabled now.

00:23:01.000 They are.

00:23:02.000 It just feels like stolen value.

00:23:03.000 Yeah, it is.

00:23:04.000 It's like blackface.

00:23:05.000 I was on an Indian reservation once, and this woman was taking her kids out of the minivan.

00:23:10.000 They were so spherical that she was rolling him.

00:23:14.000 He was not old, too.

00:23:15.000 He was like nine years old.

00:23:17.000 And he was voluntarily paralyzed, rolling him out there.

00:23:21.000 Yeah, see, I can't.

00:23:23.000 I have such a bitter thing towards fat people ever since they made me move my seat at Disney World so the fat people can get a better seat at the Line King show.

00:23:37.000 And ever since then, I've just had it out for them.

00:23:40.000 That theater, when they were designing that theater, they went, oh, what about the Gimps?

00:23:43.000 Oh, they'll have this spot.

00:23:45.000 And then, nope, move it over.

00:23:47.000 Okay, last question before we let you go.

00:23:50.000 You obviously don't get laid a ton, right?

00:23:53.000 Actually, quite the contrary.

00:23:55.000 Oh, you're drowning in pussy?

00:23:58.000 Me and my girlfriend, we've been going steady for a while.

00:24:00.000 Oh, shit.

00:24:01.000 Okay, well, that ruins my question because I was going to say, would you fuck Lizzo if we were to plop you on top of her nude?

00:24:08.000 I feel like I wouldn't have a choice.

00:24:12.000 My dick is just going to fall into a fold, and it's just going to happen.

00:24:18.000 It's rape.

00:24:19.000 All we have to do to rape you is throw you on a Lizzo, and it'll find its way.

00:24:26.000 I could get her belly button pregnant.

00:24:29.000 Have a little belly button, kids.

00:24:31.000 We're showing her right now.

00:24:32.000 God, she's fucking hideous.

00:24:33.000 All right, thanks for coming to the show.

00:24:34.000 We'd love to have you back as soon as possible.

00:24:37.000 Absolutely.

00:24:37.000 Anytime.

00:24:38.000 Cheers, buddy.

00:24:44.000 A regular is born.

00:24:46.000 It'd be great to have him on.

00:24:47.000 A star is born.

00:24:50.000 It's weird because you think he goes, yeah, I can do it.

00:24:54.000 And you go, okay, good.

00:24:54.000 Let's get out now.

00:24:55.000 He goes, well, hold on.

00:24:56.000 Because his mom has to pick him up.

00:24:58.000 Hold on.

00:24:59.000 Dress him and shit.

00:25:01.000 Put his shirt on.

00:25:04.000 Also in the news, some bad news, Vic Berger molested a child.

00:25:09.000 Oh, my.

00:25:10.000 Yeah.

00:25:10.000 And you think you know a guy, and you think he's an ally, a proud ally.

00:25:18.000 He's got the rainbow, and then you find out, well, it's always, you don't have to look far to find the ones that leave the deepest scar.

00:25:26.000 Man charged with sexual battery.

00:25:28.000 Tishimanigo County man has been arrested following an investigation into the sexual assault of a 15-year-old juvenile.

00:25:36.000 You got to wonder when, like, that's why I always tell people, you should feel comfortable around the archie bunkers of the world.

00:25:43.000 They're the ones who are going to grab guns when the state says it's time to kill all gays.

00:25:47.000 They're going to be on the front lines protecting gays.

00:25:49.000 The homophobes are.

00:25:51.000 The allies are going to be the first ones to throw everyone under the bus.

00:25:56.000 I actually don't think that was Vic Berger after all.

00:25:58.000 I've got it wrong.

00:25:59.000 I'm sorry about that.

00:25:59.000 Well, I don't know, Because on his hard drive, they found videos of children edited together deceptively with spooky music in the background.

00:26:08.000 Yeah.

00:26:09.000 His whole fucking existence is just ripping off Derek Beckles.

00:26:13.000 Same with Tim and Eric.

00:26:14.000 That whole thing is Derek Beckles' TV carnage.

00:26:21.000 So the Chappelle thing is still going.

00:26:23.000 Yeah.

00:26:24.000 For Vog's sakes.

00:26:26.000 And some nerds named Vito that I don't like, by the way, are getting there.

00:26:31.000 You know who was, you may have to dig this up.

00:26:33.000 Eric Weinstein.

00:26:35.000 You know that guy?

00:26:36.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, wait, wait, yeah, yeah.

00:26:37.000 He was on our side.

00:26:39.000 He's the guy who they said all white people have to leave the campus.

00:26:42.000 And he went, seems a little racist.

00:26:45.000 He was on Rogan a bunch, yeah?

00:26:47.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:26:47.000 So he's given up.

00:26:48.000 He's cracked under pressure.

00:26:50.000 Now he's an ally.

00:26:51.000 And we just saw how well that usually works out.

00:26:54.000 But he was there at the Chappelle things defending the trans.

00:27:00.000 No.

00:27:01.000 Like attending the Netflix walkout protesting Dave Chappelle.

00:27:07.000 If you think this is just about people who can't take a harmless joke.

00:27:10.000 Yeah, it is.

00:27:11.000 Trans people are dying every day.

00:27:13.000 Trans people are getting murdered by their thug Coke dealer boyfriends because they like bad boys.

00:27:19.000 There's no homophobes.

00:27:21.000 The KKK mega men are not assassinating trans because they think they're weird looking.

00:27:27.000 We don't give a fuck about trans people.

00:27:30.000 We don't like it when they're near our kids.

00:27:31.000 We don't like it when they come into the bathroom.

00:27:33.000 But as far as their day-to-day and wanting them not to exist, we don't think about you.

00:27:38.000 Sorry.

00:27:39.000 Sorry, gays and fat people.

00:27:41.000 You're part of that too.

00:27:42.000 But what the fuck is Weinstein doing there?

00:27:45.000 At the Chappelle Walk.

00:27:48.000 Hey, everyone.

00:27:49.000 Hi, shithead.

00:27:50.000 I happen to be at some level.

00:27:54.000 Just stop.

00:27:55.000 Can we just, just for the record, in case you haven't seen the special, it's about how jokes are being censored.

00:28:03.000 And then he has this, I think it was 2PC.

00:28:07.000 Black Nanette, we call it.

00:28:09.000 He said, yo, don't make fun of it.

00:28:11.000 Like when you attack me and then you attack someone for being my friend.

00:28:14.000 I'm not doing a very good deep Chappelle.

00:28:17.000 Hey, man.

00:28:18.000 You got to do like a southern accent and got a scratchy voice.

00:28:24.000 Kumia made me feel very insecure about my Chappelle.

00:28:27.000 So I can't do it anymore.

00:28:29.000 I'm impotent.

00:28:32.000 But at the end, he goes, you know, when you attack a trans person for being friends with me, they end up killing themselves.

00:28:38.000 So don't do it.

00:28:39.000 It's kind of fucking gay.

00:28:41.000 But still, the message of his special was stop bullying and stop being so uptight.

00:28:47.000 Okay, so it's not an anti-trans fucking thing.

00:28:50.000 But you pussy losers have made it that.

00:28:53.000 And now we're seeing that some of our own, Eric Weinstein, some of the canceled class, are desperately trying to cling on to this as a way to re-ingratiate themselves with the political left.

00:29:06.000 Which makes you look like such a cuck, Eric.

00:29:09.000 Fuck you.

00:29:11.000 So what's 1-3?

00:29:15.000 Oh, yeah, so that's a good footage of it.

00:29:17.000 So these dudes show up and they go, jokes are funny, we like jokes.

00:29:20.000 That's Dick Masterson.

00:29:21.000 Oh, right.

00:29:23.000 This is the second person on the show we don't like that we've been giving props to.

00:29:28.000 Yank, you can't deny quality.

00:29:37.000 Dave is funny.

00:29:49.000 Dave is a very funny guy.

00:29:50.000 I like his jokes.

00:29:58.000 I'm the jerk of the protest now.

00:30:01.000 I like his jokes.

00:30:03.000 I'm the jerk at the protest now.

00:30:06.000 So he did a little video of it.

00:30:08.000 What's one for?

00:30:10.000 Fucking one for.

00:30:11.000 This is the defend the jokes.

00:30:16.000 We like jokes, I guess we'll call it.

00:30:20.000 Why is he breaking my sign?

00:30:22.000 Why is he breaking my sign?

00:30:25.000 Don't priest be trained.

00:30:29.000 Wow, looks like I've sure got myself in a sticky situation.

00:30:33.000 I wonder how I'll get out of this one.

00:30:36.000 Anyway, that's the, he goes on to explain it.

00:30:38.000 Here's kind of a bummer, folks.

00:30:40.000 First of all, if someone grabs your sign, just punch them in the face.

00:30:44.000 You don't just sit there and let someone take your stuff and destroy it.

00:30:47.000 That's un-American.

00:30:49.000 That's what pussies do.

00:30:50.000 Like grab it from him, shove him.

00:30:53.000 And then you know what they did after?

00:30:54.000 Now he's stuck with a broken stick.

00:30:56.000 They go, the same guy who broke his stick goes, he has a weapon.

00:30:58.000 Right.

00:31:00.000 So, you know, I don't want to get into legal trouble here, but it's one could argue that violence is the solution in this particular case.

00:31:13.000 But instead, that dude Vito is pressing charges.

00:31:18.000 Oh.

00:31:19.000 Like, at my old house in the country, there was a giant sign that just had a picture of a gun and it said, we don't call 911.

00:31:26.000 Meaning, I will kill you if you come here.

00:31:28.000 I won't call the police.

00:31:30.000 I'll kill you.

00:31:30.000 I'll drag the body inside.

00:31:32.000 I'll put an illegal gun in your hand.

00:31:35.000 And say you attack me.

00:31:37.000 That's a little extreme.

00:31:38.000 But like getting the police, filing a police report on someone for breaking your sign, how weak are we?

00:31:45.000 We're like below high school.

00:31:47.000 You wouldn't do that in high school, right?

00:31:49.000 We've gone below that.

00:31:51.000 We're weaker than 13-year-olds.

00:31:53.000 We're babies.

00:31:54.000 If someone took a toddler sign and you couldn't beat him up, I would understand pressing charges.

00:31:59.000 That's a little baby.

00:32:01.000 But like, you're a grown man.

00:32:02.000 He's a grown man.

00:32:03.000 Why are you getting the police involved?

00:32:05.000 That's not what they went to the academy for.

00:32:10.000 And then someone brought up the elephants in the room, 1-5.

00:32:13.000 Anyone who's seen the special has seen these big fat dykes that were right in the front.

00:32:19.000 And you could see them not laughing at certain jokes.

00:32:23.000 And you're just watching it going, I bet they were.

00:32:25.000 That's a terrible picture, Ashton.

00:32:28.000 But you remember these girls?

00:32:29.000 Big fat blue hairs?

00:32:31.000 I don't remember them, but...

00:32:32.000 How could you, have you seen the special?

00:32:34.000 No.

00:32:35.000 Well, then you're showing them?

00:32:37.000 Why have you not seen at least some of the special?

00:32:40.000 I watched some of it.

00:32:41.000 I did.

00:32:41.000 We started it, and I just couldn't keep focused on it.

00:32:43.000 I was like, all right, you know, I don't know.

00:32:47.000 yeah, there's these big, ugly dykes in the front row with like purple hair, and you saw them not laughing at certain jokes, and you just sort of went, uh-oh.

00:32:54.000 And then I was also, when I was watching the special, I was thinking, that must be distracting when you're doing a bit and you can see the offended people right there, and you know they're going to be writing letters and complaining and trying to get you canceled.

00:33:07.000 And you're in the thick of it.

00:33:08.000 Like, you must want to attack them.

00:33:12.000 Which brings us to LGBT.

00:33:15.000 Lesbian, gay.

00:33:17.000 From now on, I'm calling them the LG community.

00:33:20.000 Bisexuality is bullshit.

00:33:23.000 It's a myth.

00:33:24.000 You're either straight, a lesbian, or you're gay.

00:33:27.000 And if you want to form an alliance, LGs, go Benenes.

00:33:30.000 But you don't have a lot in common.

00:33:32.000 Why are you ugly?

00:33:34.000 I felt ugly.

00:33:35.000 I felt gay.

00:33:36.000 And then we fell in love.

00:33:37.000 And then they eat their poo-poo, and we have a very good relationship.

00:33:43.000 You don't want to see a close-up picture of my animals.

00:33:45.000 You ain't gay me.

00:33:46.000 You are gay.

00:33:47.000 Homophobe alert.

00:33:49.000 You are gay.

00:33:52.000 So, remember that idiotic Jewish man who grew tits and thinks he's abroad and now he's the head of health?

00:34:01.000 Well, he just got promoted.

00:34:02.000 He's now some weird four-star general.

00:34:05.000 He's not a four-star general, but he's a decorated officer.

00:34:08.000 And guess who's supporting it?

00:34:10.000 Well, everyone, but Charlotte Clymer.

00:34:13.000 Remember her?

00:34:15.000 The social climber?

00:34:17.000 Remember this guy?

00:34:19.000 Oh, yeah.

00:34:20.000 That's the guy from our favorite meme.

00:34:21.000 The posture, the posture meme.

00:34:24.000 The one where he's standing over this woman, and it just, his shoulders, his body language, everything about it screams man.

00:34:32.000 And he's with a woman who's diminutive and submissive and everything about her screams female.

00:34:38.000 His bio should be writer, lesbian, meme, veteran, Hoya.

00:34:43.000 What's Hoya?

00:34:44.000 Gavin's favorite meme.

00:34:46.000 Hoya.

00:34:47.000 Writer, lesbian, veteran, Hoya.

00:34:49.000 What?

00:34:51.000 I'm trying to make up something funny, but nothing's coming to me.

00:34:54.000 Okay, you fools, what a handy guide to all this and expert PB and Js.

00:34:57.000 Men love PB and Js.

00:34:59.000 It's not a chick food, dude.

00:35:01.000 You notice, too, there's this other tranny.

00:35:03.000 What the fuck's his name?

00:35:06.000 Parker Malloy.

00:35:07.000 And if you look at his Twitter feed, it's all like a lot of sports shit.

00:35:13.000 Like the fucking Cardinals are fucking up again.

00:35:15.000 Come on, assholes.

00:35:16.000 It's called defense.

00:35:18.000 It's called baseball IQ.

00:35:20.000 What the fuck are you doing?

00:35:22.000 And you're like, you're a dude.

00:35:23.000 Well, there's a lock.

00:35:25.000 Successful comedian who doesn't make jokes.

00:35:29.000 Anyway, can you not find the Charlotte Climber meme?

00:35:33.000 We got to see it.

00:35:33.000 There might be one or two monster baby monsters who don't know what we're talking about.

00:35:38.000 That would be a shame.

00:35:39.000 Truly a wonderful moment.

00:35:41.000 Dr. Rachel Levine, HHS Assistant Secretary, has become the first openly transgender four-star uniformed officer.

00:35:49.000 I don't know what the fuck that means.

00:35:50.000 Nobody does.

00:35:51.000 In her role leading the U.S. Public Health Service Commissioned Corps.

00:35:55.000 This makes me so proud and hopeful.

00:35:57.000 Check out her swearing in.

00:36:02.000 Now the first trans four-star officer.

00:36:05.000 There it is.

00:36:08.000 There it is.

00:36:10.000 You're not a woman, dude.

00:36:12.000 Look at you.

00:36:15.000 And look at her.

00:36:18.000 Like, ladies and gays, when you see her, do you understand why we're straight?

00:36:24.000 Like, these real women, get me out of the way for a second here.

00:36:28.000 Just like, look at her shoulders and they're so special.

00:36:32.000 They're like fawns.

00:36:36.000 They're just so wonderful.

00:36:37.000 Their ankles, the way they walk, the way they sort of have trouble carrying things, the way they ride bicycles like Kermit the Frog.

00:36:46.000 You notice women on bicycles, they just, they look so precarious.

00:36:51.000 Like when we're on bikes, we're like going through traffic like bike messengers.

00:36:55.000 But when they're on them, even my wife, I'm just like, you look like if you hit a popsicle stick, you'd die.

00:37:04.000 Four-star officer.

00:37:12.000 See, this is why all those people are gathered around because one of them can actually ride a bike and not be awkward.

00:37:19.000 Guinness book of records for just riding a bike.

00:37:22.000 Oh, well, now she's...

00:37:24.000 Oh, she's me when I was seven.

00:37:25.000 Now she's going loco.

00:37:30.000 Okay, do a trick.

00:37:34.000 Right now, you're just a 12-year-old boy.

00:37:36.000 As far as talent goes.

00:37:40.000 All right, I think you've warmed up.

00:37:42.000 We're ready.

00:37:45.000 All right.

00:37:46.000 Yep.

00:37:46.000 And this is kids at school joking around in the parking lot.

00:37:56.000 That was fucking pathetic.

00:37:58.000 Wait, there's more?

00:38:00.000 Do a handstand or something.

00:38:03.000 Oh, whoa.

00:38:04.000 No, still.

00:38:06.000 We're still like, this is every black kid in the Bronx right now.

00:38:09.000 Okay, there we go.

00:38:11.000 That's cool.

00:38:12.000 That's cool.

00:38:13.000 But it's also very belly.

00:38:14.000 This is a Charlotte Climber biking.

00:38:22.000 This is for females.

00:38:29.000 Doing it for my sister.

00:38:30.000 She packed her own parachute, too.

00:38:36.000 That looks fucking fun.

00:38:39.000 Imagine how fun that is.

00:38:41.000 You got to ask Charlotte.

00:38:46.000 Mainstream media is gaslighting you.

00:38:48.000 I thought, if my wife and Barry Weiss's husband die in a plane crash, I will have the requisite grieving time, which we agreed talking to Donovan that it's four days.

00:39:00.000 I'll have a four-day cry, and then Barry Weiss and I are getting married.

00:39:05.000 Because we're going to find each other solace in our grief.

00:39:09.000 We're both lamenting our dead spouse.

00:39:12.000 This thing is, every single molecule of this interview is gold, but this particular segment is diamond.

00:39:19.000 You're right.

00:39:20.000 There are tens of millions of Americans who aren't on the hard left or the hard right who feel the world has gone mad.

00:39:26.000 So in what ways has the world gone mad?

00:39:28.000 Stop.

00:39:29.000 When you're not.

00:39:30.000 This is classic Brian Stelter, the Turgid Tattletale.

00:39:36.000 Total denial.

00:39:39.000 Every time he takes a point from the left, I mean from the right and he goes, what?

00:39:45.000 You think January 6th is overblown, yet there was riots?

00:39:48.000 Actually, it's CNN's business model.

00:39:51.000 What?

00:39:52.000 You think that these protests are violent?

00:39:54.000 They're mostly peaceful.

00:39:56.000 You're standing in front of a fucking fire, dude.

00:39:58.000 Yeah, it's fiery, but it's peaceful.

00:40:02.000 Campfires, bonfires, peaceful.

00:40:04.000 Acoustic guitars.

00:40:05.000 Marshmallows.

00:40:06.000 Marshmallows are roasted, my friend.

00:40:08.000 Well, we made the same joke at the same time.

00:40:10.000 Correct.

00:40:10.000 That means we're in live.

00:40:12.000 Parallel.

00:40:12.000 Oh, or that.

00:40:14.000 Able to say out loud and in public that there are differences between men and women, the world has gone mad.

00:40:20.000 When we're not allowed to acknowledge that rioting is rioting and it is bad, and that silence is not violence, but violence is violence, the world has gone mad.

00:40:30.000 Young school children, as young as kindergarten, are being separated in public schools because of their race.

00:40:37.000 And that is called progress rather than segregation.

00:40:40.000 The world has gone mad.

00:40:42.000 There are dozens of examples that I could share with you and with you.

00:40:47.000 Who else knows this?

00:40:49.000 You say we're not allowed, we're not able.

00:40:51.000 Who's the people stopping the conversation?

00:40:54.000 You.

00:40:57.000 People that work at networks, frankly, like the one I'm speaking on right now, who try and claim that it was racist to investigate the lab leak theory.

00:41:08.000 It was a problem.

00:41:10.000 But I'm just saying, when you say allowed, I just think it's a provocative thing you say.

00:41:14.000 You say, we're not allowed to talk about these things, but they're all over the internet.

00:41:17.000 I can Google them.

00:41:18.000 I can do them all over the internet.

00:41:19.000 I can Google them.

00:41:20.000 So is baby fucking dude.

00:41:22.000 Of course, people are allowed to cover whatever they want to cover.

00:41:25.000 But you and I both know, and it would be delusional to claim otherwise, that touching your finger to an increasing number of subjects that have been deemed third rail by the mainstream institutions and increasingly by some of the tech companies will lead to reputational damage,

00:41:41.000 perhaps you losing your job, your children sometimes being demonized as well.

00:41:47.000 And so what happens is a kind of internal self-censorship.

00:41:51.000 This is something that I saw over and over again when I was at the New York Times.

00:41:55.000 I see it as a lot of manipulation and whether it's intentional.

00:41:58.000 Yeah, you want to talk about not allowed?

00:42:00.000 My son, when we moved to Westchester, there was a parent who pushed for nobody to draft my son in baseball.

00:42:09.000 He was seven years, no, eight, nine, 10, 11, 12, 13.

00:42:15.000 He was eight years old at the time, just starting out baseball.

00:42:19.000 And because of my probably 10 things I hate about the Jews, satirical video, they weren't going to let my son play sports.

00:42:33.000 So not allowed.

00:42:35.000 Yeah, that's not allowed.

00:42:38.000 Well, you don't get thrown in prison.

00:42:41.000 Really?

00:42:42.000 Jeff did 52 weekends for fighting Antifa, who ambushed him after my talk.

00:42:48.000 Max and John are still rotting away at Governor and Bear Hill today.

00:42:52.000 Please send them a note.

00:42:54.000 Speaking of sending notes, Friday is where we catch up on everything.

00:42:58.000 And I've had all these videos that I've stuck in the final video accumulating.

00:43:02.000 And I thought, we need to get through these because I don't want you to not see them.

00:43:06.000 But viral videos age like rotten fruit.

00:43:10.000 So I thought it'd be a good opportunity to bring back ridiculosity.

00:43:15.000 Ryan, if you give me a moment to change into my wigger wear.

00:43:18.000 Sure.

00:43:19.000 Canadian style.

00:43:31.000 Yo, yo, yo.

00:43:35.000 What's up, what's up?

00:43:36.000 Welcome to a new edition of Ridiculosity, the video show where we put together a bunch of really cheap videos and spend nothing on the show and just look at viral videos that you've all seen before.

00:43:47.000 But anyway, we got to clean up the computer.

00:43:49.000 I got my co-star there, some chick I used to fuck that I keep around and she's cool with it because today in modern relationships, you can just fuck a chick and then throw her away and no one gives a shit.

00:44:03.000 So today's theme of ridiculosity is WWYD.

00:44:07.000 What would you do, yo?

00:44:09.000 So let's start with this classic thing going around right now.

00:44:12.000 It's an Instaclassic.

00:44:13.000 And this Marine dude thwarts a robbery.

00:44:18.000 And I don't know, what would you, like, I don't want to hear how you would do the same thing?

00:44:24.000 Because you don't know that until you've been there.

00:44:27.000 So I think if you're honest with yourself, you're watching this and you're like, I hope that I would do something almost as badass, but I might just like put my head down and hope I don't get shot.

00:44:39.000 And what should you do?

00:44:40.000 That's another question.

00:44:40.000 Like, did this guy do the smart, wise thing?

00:44:43.000 He did the cool thing.

00:44:45.000 Bam, bam.

00:44:47.000 Grab, punch.

00:44:54.000 Boom.

00:44:55.000 It's almost like it's muscle memory, too.

00:44:58.000 Like, he did it like a boxer would do a punch, but it was gun, grab, bow.

00:45:03.000 And then the other guy just pussies out and gets the fuck out of there.

00:45:08.000 All right, next one.

00:45:11.000 Oh, this is a fun thing.

00:45:12.000 I'd like the baby monsters to do.

00:45:15.000 What would you do?

00:45:16.000 I want you to do this.

00:45:20.000 Get a storage fucking bin on your bed upside down.

00:45:24.000 Start freaking out your significant other.

00:45:26.000 Wow, that didn't take very long for him to freak the fuck out.

00:45:41.000 What the fuck?

00:45:42.000 What fool you?

00:45:43.000 What fool you?

00:45:46.000 I don't think he understands what the prank was.

00:45:51.000 He thinks that she did get possessed or something and then I think this prank's too intellectual for him.

00:45:57.000 Go to the next one.

00:46:02.000 She's good.

00:46:02.000 The hair is a nice effect, isn't it?

00:46:16.000 I guarantee you when I do this, and I'm going to do this, my wife is just going to be stopped.

00:46:21.000 Promise you.

00:46:27.000 So she's sitting on something.

00:46:31.000 How small is their fucking bed?

00:46:34.000 Are they in a single bed?

00:46:40.000 Okay, that's enough.

00:46:40.000 That one's stupid.

00:46:42.000 Oh, this one looks good.

00:46:52.000 So anyway, baby monsters, please start doing that and sending it in, yo.

00:46:58.000 Here's a fun one.

00:47:00.000 Here's some shitty, weird parents who are strange to look at, but they've made these awesome kids and all they had to do was take them away from our disgusting, toxic, garbage, shit pop culture.

00:47:15.000 I've grown up without a TV.

00:47:17.000 I don't think I need one.

00:47:18.000 Correct.

00:47:21.000 I love soccer and football and basketball.

00:47:25.000 Well, basketball.

00:47:27.000 Do you know who Tom Brady is?

00:47:30.000 I don't think so.

00:47:32.000 I have Chapter Spider-Man.

00:47:34.000 Who is Spider-Man?

00:47:36.000 Aww.

00:47:37.000 Wait, what did she say, Ryan?

00:47:39.000 I know who Spider-Man is.

00:47:42.000 Who is Spider-Man?

00:47:43.000 I have Chapter Spider-Man.

00:47:45.000 I have Separta Spider-Man.

00:47:47.000 I have heard of Spider-Man.

00:47:49.000 Who is Spider-Man?

00:47:49.000 Papur to Spider-Man.

00:47:51.000 I have Chapter Spider-Man.

00:47:52.000 I have Spurred of Spider-Man.

00:47:55.000 Aww.

00:47:56.000 Something that I don't know.

00:48:01.000 Do you know who LeBron James is?

00:48:05.000 Not really.

00:48:07.000 Our children may not know who Justin Bieber is, but we're okay with that.

00:48:11.000 It's not important to us.

00:48:12.000 He looks like a CGI face.

00:48:14.000 Like, how much a cup?

00:48:16.000 Three cups.

00:48:18.000 We weren't allowed to eat any sugar when we were growing up.

00:48:21.000 Honey is sugar, by the way, but like a sugar.

00:48:23.000 It's natural, but it's still sugar.

00:48:24.000 He's never had any sugar.

00:48:25.000 It's not as refined as the sugar we've ever.

00:48:27.000 Anyway, it's neither here nor there.

00:48:29.000 This is a guy.

00:48:30.000 But they don't know what a Coke is, if you understand.

00:48:32.000 They've never tasted it.

00:48:33.000 Experientially, they've never had a Coke.

00:48:37.000 Can you believe that?

00:48:40.000 Yeah.

00:48:40.000 He seems like one of those teachers that's way too enthusiastic about the subject.

00:48:46.000 Here's the classic WWYD.

00:48:49.000 So this is a dude on a bus in New York City, and the question is, if he's getting out of a bus, say it's going 10 miles an hour, would you let him?

00:49:00.000 I'm going to go with, yeah, fuck him.

00:49:05.000 Like, what?

00:49:06.000 It's not going that fast, dude.

00:49:08.000 Worst, he bonks his noggin and gets knocked unconscious.

00:49:13.000 New York City, cars don't travel fast.

00:49:16.000 I don't think I would bother with this shit.

00:49:20.000 By the way, stop seeing everything through a racial lens, America.

00:49:23.000 Assholes are black, good guys are black.

00:49:25.000 Assholes are white, good guys are white.

00:49:28.000 This is just a crazy homeless guy.

00:49:30.000 Cops are black.

00:49:31.000 Whoa, what's going on there?

00:49:35.000 We're having some technical difficulty.

00:49:41.000 So then it slows down to a safe level, and now he's threatening to spit on people.

00:49:47.000 And the guy's like, get the fuck out of here.

00:49:51.000 What's that?

00:49:51.000 What a burger?

00:49:52.000 Smash burger?

00:49:55.000 Bro, I could go for one of those.

00:49:57.000 Let's go to Grand Central after this, Ryan.

00:50:02.000 Oh, I'm scary.

00:50:06.000 Okay, here's one.

00:50:09.000 Yo, Ryan, you ever been chased by a chicken man?

00:50:14.000 If you're chased by a chicken man, what do you do?

00:50:17.000 I would stop.

00:50:18.000 I would not run.

00:50:19.000 I'm not scared of monsters.

00:50:20.000 The other day, my son, he didn't want to walk through the forest to get to where we were going.

00:50:25.000 I was meeting him there and it was dark.

00:50:27.000 So he went around the pathway and went onto a highway, a major thoroughfare.

00:50:33.000 And I go, what are you doing?

00:50:34.000 He goes, I just couldn't walk through the forest.

00:50:37.000 I go, what are you, a pussy?

00:50:38.000 And he goes, I just saw Halloween three days ago.

00:50:43.000 And I go, that's a make-believe thing.

00:50:46.000 Okay?

00:50:46.000 Highways are real.

00:50:48.000 Cars are real.

00:50:49.000 You were way more in danger from getting hit by a real-life car than you were the monsters, the fucking Jason Voorhees and Mike Myers waiting for you in the trees.

00:51:00.000 So this is a real dude, but what's he going to do?

00:51:04.000 You can take him.

00:51:05.000 Calm down.

00:51:11.000 Actually, you know what?

00:51:13.000 If I'm being honest, I might run.

00:51:17.000 Like, I don't even want him to lick me.

00:51:20.000 And it's not just his arms that are fucked up.

00:51:22.000 I think he's nuts.

00:51:25.000 Like, what's going on with his foot?

00:51:27.000 Did you see his foot?

00:51:29.000 His right foot?

00:51:31.000 Something's on it.

00:51:34.000 Something's getting good at him, if you will.

00:51:37.000 Well, maybe it's just like a piece of tape or something.

00:51:40.000 I don't know.

00:51:41.000 I don't know what I would do.

00:51:42.000 I think I might run, actually.

00:51:43.000 I talked to big game, but now that I'm...

00:51:46.000 The fun part about this game is you really try to be 100% honest with yourself.

00:51:52.000 That's always a challenge because sometimes you don't like what you see when you look behind the ego curtain.

00:51:59.000 Oh, this one, this isn't really a what would you do?

00:52:05.000 This is just a tear jerker I threw in there.

00:52:08.000 You should do this.

00:52:09.000 Just like the possession prank.

00:52:11.000 So he gets his kid a new bat.

00:52:14.000 Good games day to day, right?

00:52:17.000 These are getting expensive, by the way.

00:52:19.000 I get my kid a new bat.

00:52:20.000 It can be 350 bucks.

00:52:22.000 Y'all are still mad at me?

00:52:24.000 Huh?

00:52:25.000 For what?

00:52:30.000 By the way, when you're doing something cool for your kid, you don't need to film it.

00:52:34.000 You don't need to go viral.

00:52:35.000 You don't need everyone to know that you were a good dad.

00:52:38.000 Although this does pan out pretty awesome.

00:52:47.000 Big game today.

00:52:49.000 Big game today.

00:52:52.000 I gotta get something out of the trunk.

00:52:56.000 Get that bag from out the trunk.

00:53:00.000 Yay.

00:53:02.000 What?

00:53:04.000 Really building it up, aren't you?

00:53:08.000 I think this is the thing with black dads.

00:53:10.000 They just, everything they do they think is magic because they stuck around.

00:53:16.000 Shit.

00:53:19.000 It's just an empty box.

00:53:22.000 Happy birthday.

00:53:29.000 Why are you laughing?

00:53:30.000 Don't cry.

00:53:31.000 You're about to make me cry.

00:53:32.000 Don't cry.

00:53:34.000 Pull it out.

00:53:35.000 Yeah, don't cry.

00:53:36.000 You're being a mental.

00:53:40.000 That could be 350.

00:53:41.000 Isn't that mental?

00:53:44.000 It's because the fucking league keeps coming up with these new stickers, these new types of bats.

00:53:49.000 Because I think one kid got hit in the chest and he died.

00:53:53.000 So ever since then, we have to have the perfect, safe bat.

00:53:57.000 And they keep changing the restrictions so they can make more money.

00:54:01.000 It's a fucking scam.

00:54:03.000 Cool stance.

00:54:07.000 So anyway, no, no, keep going.

00:54:11.000 What are you doing?

00:54:12.000 This gets good, trust me.

00:54:15.000 Give me something.

00:54:17.000 I always got to put my hands like this.

00:54:18.000 I love you.

00:54:20.000 Makes you look like I know what you're doing.

00:54:22.000 You want to go to this game, hit some home runs, right?

00:54:24.000 That's right.

00:54:25.000 Don't worry, it's going to get good.

00:54:29.000 There he is.

00:54:30.000 His new bat.

00:54:31.000 Dad's past the outfield.

00:54:36.000 That's a strike.

00:54:39.000 He's got a big ego.

00:54:40.000 Sometimes the coach will tell you to don't swing at the first ball.

00:54:43.000 It fucks up the pitcher.

00:54:45.000 I just say swing at everything.

00:54:46.000 Unless it's terrible.

00:54:49.000 Beautiful.

00:54:50.000 Pop the line.

00:54:52.000 Yeah.

00:54:54.000 Yeah.

00:54:55.000 I'm doing it, boom.

00:54:57.000 I'm doing it, baby.

00:54:58.000 Yeah.

00:55:01.000 Let it go, boo.

00:55:03.000 Back home run, kid.

00:55:05.000 Guys, make babies.

00:55:08.000 I can't convey to you how awesome this must feel.

00:55:11.000 A kid getting a home run.

00:55:12.000 I've got my boy's first home run ball on the wall here in the studio.

00:55:16.000 It's a major fucking deal.

00:55:18.000 It feels awesome.

00:55:19.000 And then you're screaming and cheering.

00:55:21.000 He runs back to his teammates.

00:55:23.000 They all run out, get out of the dugout.

00:55:25.000 They're all jumping on each other.

00:55:26.000 Or is it the bullpen?

00:55:28.000 They're all freaking out, going nuts.

00:55:31.000 It's amazing.

00:55:32.000 And it's not funny, but it's a good feeling.

00:55:40.000 This one, CGI is getting way too good.

00:55:43.000 This isn't a what would you do?

00:55:44.000 This is just a cool video that we have on ridiculousness, ridiculosity.

00:55:48.000 I mean, this is CGI.

00:55:50.000 Look how fucking amazing it is.

00:55:56.000 The only reason I know this is CGI, by the way, is because I read the comments.

00:56:02.000 It's almost better than reality.

00:56:05.000 Have we reached this stage where technology is better than our eyes?

00:56:11.000 Like if I'm looking at a bug or something, I'll take a picture of it and then look at it on my phone because I like the zoom in better than these guys.

00:56:23.000 Yo, Ryan, have you ever been run over?

00:56:27.000 If you run over someone, get out of your truck and make sure that you're not still on them.

00:56:32.000 If you're not still on them, then stop moving.

00:56:34.000 Don't just start reversing going forward.

00:56:37.000 That's how you murder someone.

00:56:40.000 You know what they do in China?

00:56:41.000 You have to pay the medical bills of someone you hit with your car, but obviously you don't have to pay medical bills if they're dead.

00:56:46.000 So they'll hit someone and then just keep running over him until he's dead.

00:56:51.000 It's now come to America.

00:56:53.000 Grind face.

00:56:56.000 Oh, Jesus.

00:56:59.000 And then look, he's going to live.

00:57:00.000 He's doing okay.

00:57:01.000 And then, oh my God, that went over his head.

00:57:06.000 What's the moral of this story, folks?

00:57:08.000 A, that's got to be a woman.

00:57:10.000 Don't let women drive.

00:57:11.000 We got to adopt Saudi Arabian rules.

00:57:13.000 B, what are you doing on a scooter, you geek?

00:57:19.000 I'm not joking.

00:57:23.000 Oh, this is brutal.

00:57:25.000 I think when I get back to the desk, I think there's an update on this, but I put this on the list a while ago.

00:57:30.000 Hey, Ryan, have you ever been smashed in between two cars while you were trying to do a stunt?

00:57:38.000 All right.

00:57:39.000 This is the guy from Dancing with the Stars, I guess.

00:57:44.000 And he thought it would be funny if he had two cars swinging down, smashing together, and then he gets out at the last second.

00:57:50.000 But for some reason, the release gave him a little bit of a tug first.

00:57:57.000 Oh, this is what he does?

00:57:59.000 He's a stunt guy.

00:58:02.000 Well, at least we know it's real, because he's almost dead from this particular move.

00:58:08.000 There it is.

00:58:11.000 Can't you try it first with a dog?

00:58:13.000 No offense to dogs.

00:58:15.000 God, I know there's people watching right now that goes, fuck that.

00:58:19.000 I like dogs more than humans.

00:58:21.000 Okay, here we go.

00:58:22.000 And pull him up first.

00:58:24.000 Bang!

00:58:25.000 Guys, this video you're about to see is absolutely crazy mad.

00:58:28.000 Thanks, yeah.

00:58:29.000 I mean, I don't know why anyone finally this is just going around.

00:58:34.000 This is not a what would you do?

00:58:36.000 This is just something that we need to cover.

00:58:39.000 The island boys.

00:58:41.000 Let's check it out on ridiculosity.

00:58:43.000 There's no good reason to include this in the mix.

00:59:09.000 Why is your dad let them get facial tattoos?

00:59:24.000 Why are you wearing leggings in the pool?

00:59:33.000 Jesus Christ, white boys get polluted easily, don't they?

00:59:37.000 Like garbage culture.

00:59:38.000 Compare these guys to the guys who don't know who Spider-Man or LeBron James is.

00:59:44.000 We have a problem in this country with our fucking culture.

00:59:48.000 Let's check in on the island boys.

00:59:50.000 I think they're on Bar School Sports.

01:00:19.000 So the Island Boys were on Barstool Sports.

01:00:25.000 This is what they've got.

01:00:26.000 They do have a hook.

01:00:29.000 So say you're at a recording studio that you've booked and the band's there and you're like, I got something.

01:00:34.000 I got something.

01:00:35.000 And they're like, okay, what do you got?

01:00:36.000 Island boy, I got my red suit on.

01:00:41.000 42 hours later, you've put a song together.

01:00:44.000 But these guys have just taken that initial idea and it's their identity.

01:00:48.000 Congratulations.

01:00:50.000 That's the first stanza.

01:00:52.000 Yeah.

01:00:54.000 Before they head out, we got to get a live island boys reinaction here.

01:00:59.000 I'm just an island boy.

01:01:01.000 I'm going to have to keep a game.

01:01:03.000 When you're the keyword boy, I'm going to keep gang no chain.

01:01:07.000 I'm going to rock it all like chains.

01:01:08.000 Legit like the lame.

01:01:10.000 I don't want to do the rain.

01:01:11.000 I'm a just island boy.

01:01:13.000 I'm a just island boy.

01:01:15.000 With my chest so long.

01:01:17.000 Would he keep testo long?

01:01:19.000 When I have a tiny bit of money.

01:01:19.000 Hey, parents.

01:01:20.000 When your kids want facial tattoos, the answer is no.

01:01:24.000 Looks like they are island boys, though.

01:01:26.000 There's palm trees.

01:01:28.000 Florida's an island.

01:01:31.000 It's a peninsula.

01:01:35.000 If you chop the top, if you put a river in the top, that's true.

01:01:39.000 If you were to do that, then yes.

01:01:48.000 Oh, someone made a song.

01:01:59.000 Imagine being those guys in those dancing chairs and thinking that you made a cool thing that looks cool.

01:02:06.000 So much of an ass there, black lady.

01:02:10.000 Can I just, speaking of dancing, this woman, this is 2-0 I want to talk about.

01:02:16.000 She's getting pilloried by the left and the right.

01:02:19.000 The left say that she's appropriating Native American culture.

01:02:22.000 Some Native American, which I call bullshit on, by the way, he's probably 5%, said that he started filming this because he felt that she was committing violence against him and his culture.

01:02:34.000 The right just see actors acting kooky, and we've been so used to these assholes fucking up their jobs and brainwashing our kids that we see a woman doing that and we think this is more liberal bullshit.

01:02:45.000 Stop!

01:02:46.000 Stop!

01:02:51.000 Count to five.

01:02:53.000 One, two, three, four, five.

01:02:56.000 You're both wrong.

01:02:57.000 Leave this poor woman alone.

01:02:59.000 She's teaching math to teenagers, which is herding cats.

01:03:02.000 I don't want to do it.

01:03:03.000 Do you want to do it?

01:03:04.000 She's teaching trigonometry to teens and trying to think of a way she can really sandblast into their heads sine cosine tangent.

01:03:14.000 Sine cosine tangent.

01:03:16.000 Sakatoa.

01:03:18.000 Sakatoa.

01:03:19.000 Sakatoa.

01:03:21.000 So she comes up with an Indian chant.

01:03:23.000 No, lefties, this is not offensive to Indians.

01:03:26.000 Indians had a sense of humor up until you brainwashed them into trying to cash in on pretending to be offended at Chief Wampum.

01:03:34.000 So no, this is Indians, if they're being honest with themselves, are not remotely offended by this.

01:03:39.000 It doesn't matter.

01:03:41.000 The same way Scots, if they saw her with a red nose and a kilt with a bottle of whiskey, going, socketoa, sock it to me, socket to me, socket to me.

01:03:51.000 Exact same thing.

01:03:53.000 And as far as righties go, dude, who's forgetting Sokatoa?

01:03:57.000 Who's forgetting sine cosine tangent in that room ever again?

01:04:02.000 Is that right?

01:04:02.000 Go to the roller coaster.

01:04:04.000 Okay.

01:04:04.000 So go, towa, soka, towa, soka, towa, sokoa.

01:04:10.000 By the way, just pause.

01:04:12.000 This is a little off topic, but remember earlier I was talking about women and how just their gestures, just like their knees, the way their legs move.

01:04:22.000 Like she's trying to be funny.

01:04:25.000 She's being silly.

01:04:26.000 She's being a clown.

01:04:27.000 And she's doing a great job, by the way.

01:04:29.000 But even in her clowny silliness, and even with a little bit of a gunt, like there's just something special about her.

01:04:37.000 I can't explain it.

01:04:52.000 Suck my toe, she jokes.

01:04:54.000 She's funny.

01:04:56.000 She's on the spectrum, obviously.

01:04:57.000 You have to be to be an advanced math expert.

01:05:02.000 I'm fucking mad when I see this.

01:05:05.000 I get to go home.

01:05:06.000 It's sort of like when I see parents at baseball.

01:05:09.000 My kids' last team, the coach told me that me and my wife are the only parents out of the whole team that didn't give him shit about something during the year.

01:05:18.000 It's a real pain in the ass to coach baseball.

01:05:21.000 It consumes your whole weekend.

01:05:23.000 It's a big part of your week scheduling everything.

01:05:26.000 Like, I wouldn't dare complain.

01:05:27.000 It's sort of like the bartender.

01:05:28.000 I never give the bartender shit.

01:05:30.000 I need to get high off his supply.

01:05:32.000 But these people that shit on coaches and teachers, I mean, we shit on teachers when they deserve it.

01:05:38.000 But please, make sure they deserve it before you come at them.

01:05:41.000 Praying to a trans flag, making the kids recite your ridiculous pronouns, that's all worth mockery.

01:05:48.000 This woman's busting her ass.

01:05:49.000 Please stop.

01:05:50.000 Leave her the fuck alone.

01:05:53.000 That's going to bring us to my pet Biden.

01:05:58.000 Because the fists made me reminded me of his dementia, but I'll explain in a second.

01:06:04.000 Biden.

01:06:08.000 Biden.

01:06:13.000 Sleepy.

01:06:17.000 Biden.

01:06:18.000 What?

01:06:18.000 That doesn't mind.

01:06:23.000 I didn't even notice.

01:06:24.000 It goes well.

01:06:26.000 I didn't even notice.

01:06:27.000 That's weird.

01:06:29.000 So having dementia is like being wasted, but without the good parts.

01:06:36.000 It's being disoriented.

01:06:38.000 I would liken it to being in a windstorm.

01:06:43.000 Now, say we were in a massive storm right now.

01:06:46.000 It's raining like crazy.

01:06:47.000 There's wind blowing everywhere.

01:06:48.000 There's lawn chairs whipping down the street.

01:06:51.000 And I was going to tell you a phone number.

01:06:55.000 555.

01:06:57.000 Notice Hollywood-friendly numbers on the show.

01:06:59.000 555-6814.

01:07:02.000 Okay?

01:07:03.000 You got it?

01:07:04.000 Now, if it was in a storm and it was a matter of life or death that you remember this phone number, you wouldn't be like, what?

01:07:11.000 What's the number?

01:07:12.000 You'd be going like this.

01:07:13.000 Wait, okay, hold on, hold on, hold on.

01:07:15.000 Okay.

01:07:16.000 Say it once clearly and I will memorize it.

01:07:20.000 I've already forgotten the number, by the way.

01:07:21.000 55566814.

01:07:25.000 Like, I need to concentrate.

01:07:28.000 I need to figure this out.

01:07:29.000 I'm so confused right now.

01:07:31.000 I'm so easily distracted.

01:07:33.000 I'm having a lot of trouble staying on the rails.

01:07:37.000 This train is about to go off the tracks.

01:07:40.000 I need to hold the train on the track.

01:07:42.000 That's why people with dementia go like this.

01:07:44.000 Joe Biden has dementia.

01:07:49.000 Look at his motherfucking hands.

01:07:54.000 He looks like he's playing those AI VR games.

01:07:58.000 Oculus Rift.

01:07:59.000 Yes.

01:08:00.000 I fashioned up what that might look like.

01:08:03.000 That looks very reasonable compared to reality.

01:08:06.000 Yeah.

01:08:07.000 That joke makes everything fit nicely.

01:08:11.000 He's got a perfect Oculus form.

01:08:13.000 Yeah.

01:08:13.000 Oh, he's probably really good.

01:08:14.000 But not standing there talking form.

01:08:17.000 No, not great.

01:08:18.000 I'm not sure what to do with my hands.

01:08:20.000 Ricky Bobby.

01:08:21.000 Ricky Bobby, at least.

01:08:23.000 Pissed excellence.

01:08:24.000 Pissed excellence.

01:08:25.000 Joe probably pisses himself.

01:08:28.000 Just in terms of inflation, because you had told us at a town hall, I think it was in July, that this was just near-term inflation.

01:08:37.000 The Wall Street Journal recently talked to like 67 financial experts who said that they are deep into that.

01:08:45.000 This should go viral.

01:08:46.000 It is fucking embarrassing.

01:08:48.000 15 seconds at least.

01:08:51.000 No one's done that.

01:08:54.000 Dude, I'm telling you, I don't care if I was in court.

01:08:58.000 I don't care if I'm at a bar.

01:08:59.000 I don't care if I'm making love to my wife.

01:09:02.000 If someone goes like this, I would go, what are you doing?

01:09:06.000 I would stop whatever we were doing and say, what's going on?

01:09:10.000 And the person would go, what?

01:09:12.000 And I'd go, what are you fucking cutting the palms of your hands with your fingernails?

01:09:16.000 What is this about?

01:09:17.000 Are we fighting?

01:09:21.000 Rock'em, sock'em, robots.

01:09:23.000 Here he is.

01:09:24.000 So this was all from the town hall.

01:09:28.000 Here he is saying trying to say and removing a lot of articles like the and and and she'd had.

01:09:38.000 He's trying to say two separate things.

01:09:40.000 I speak Biden, so I'll explain it to you.

01:09:42.000 He's trying to say one, actually no, you listen to it first, then I'll tell you what, the two separate things he's trying to say in his weird mad libs voice.

01:09:49.000 So when the drug deal was going down, she'd pick up the phone and call and say to the police officer with the cell phone that the drug deal is going down, knowing that she would never be fingered, knowing that she would never be the one told it happened.

01:10:03.000 And so crime began to drop.

01:10:04.000 They had to know who owned the local liquor store.

01:10:07.000 They had to know and walk in and shake hands with the local minister.

01:10:10.000 They had to know that number.

01:10:12.000 So when a drug deal was...

01:10:13.000 Okay, so let me explain.

01:10:16.000 In the old days, when a woman would say there's a drug deal going down, it wasn't like today.

01:10:22.000 And you know what happens today?

01:10:23.000 They find the woman and they put their fingers in her vagina.

01:10:28.000 They diddle her bean.

01:10:29.000 Didn't know that.

01:10:30.000 Yes.

01:10:31.000 Most police today, if they get a tip about a drug deal, they will go to the woman's house and finger her.

01:10:37.000 They call it the upside-down jogger, I believe.

01:10:40.000 Well, what does that do?

01:10:42.000 Well, if she's into it, which is almost never, it would give her an orgasm or make her feel nice.

01:10:47.000 Oh, but if she's guilty, she can't climax because she has guilt on her mind.

01:10:53.000 Correct.

01:10:53.000 Women need their brain to come.

01:10:55.000 Yes.

01:10:56.000 I see.

01:10:57.000 And the second thing he was doing is he was talking about the old days with cops where they would know everyone in the neighborhood and they would go to the liquor store and they'd get free booze.

01:11:07.000 Actually, that's true.

01:11:09.000 Did you know in the 90s in South Bronx in this neighborhood, I talked to cops who were cops back then.

01:11:15.000 At the end, the second part of their shift, they wouldn't drive, right?

01:11:18.000 So they could drink.

01:11:20.000 So they would, everyone wanted the first, to drive the first half of the shift because then they could relax in the second half and have some booze.

01:11:26.000 They go into a bodega, get a packet of Newports and a Corona or A Heineken.

01:11:31.000 Yeah, Heineken was the big beer back then.

01:11:32.000 There wasn't a lot of bud around.

01:11:34.000 And they would just sit and have their cigarettes and fucking drink their beer.

01:11:39.000 So booze was free.

01:11:41.000 My joke just became true.

01:11:44.000 She'd pick up the phone and call and say to the police officer with a cell phone that the drug deal's going down, knowing that she would never be fingered, knowing that she would never be the one told.

01:11:55.000 Did you ever finger your wife?

01:11:57.000 I don't want to get into it, but frankly, I mean, I've done everything a man could do to a woman with her.

01:12:04.000 And there's going to be plenty more.

01:12:05.000 There's going to be a lot more doing.

01:12:07.000 Why would you finger?

01:12:08.000 I would only finger a girl at this age if my dick, we already had sex like twice and my dick was just done or we were doing drugs and I couldn't get it up.

01:12:18.000 But like fingering, like no one fingers their wife.

01:12:22.000 I don't know.

01:12:22.000 I like to, I'm pretty good with my hands.

01:12:25.000 I mean, they say I got small hands, but look at this.

01:12:27.000 Do you do the upside-down jogger?

01:12:28.000 I haven't done the upside-down jogger literally in 30 years.

01:12:35.000 I do the jug.

01:12:36.000 I do the sprint.

01:12:37.000 Sometimes I sprint in there.

01:12:39.000 Like this.

01:12:42.000 And that's it.

01:12:43.000 That's what I do.

01:12:44.000 It's like not a big deal.

01:12:47.000 Sex, it's like not a big deal.

01:12:50.000 And so crime began to drop.

01:12:51.000 They had to know who the owner local liquor store.

01:12:54.000 They had to know and walk in and shake hands with the local minister.

01:12:57.000 They had to know that number.

01:12:59.000 So they shake hands with the minister after fingering because he can't do anything because he's a minister and he's sworn to.

01:13:03.000 But he smells it after.

01:13:05.000 Right.

01:13:06.000 You'll see a lot of ministers after they meet guys that have been fingering and they're like.

01:13:12.000 Remember that?

01:13:13.000 I think women were more pungent.

01:13:14.000 Excuse me for this raucous content, but I think women were more pungent in their adolescent.

01:13:20.000 Maybe they have more estrogen coursing through their veins.

01:13:22.000 Because I remember sitting on the bus in Ottawa in the pean and like going and smelling Big Kimmy's vagina like two days after I had fingered her.

01:13:32.000 I remember I was on a bus from school at this time.

01:13:36.000 You sound like Ryan, Donald?

01:13:38.000 I was in special ed school because I did a couple of wacky things.

01:13:42.000 My girlfriend, Zakia, in first grade, she asked me, let me see your wiener.

01:13:47.000 And then I peed under the desk.

01:13:48.000 Remember, everybody remembers that.

01:13:50.000 And then I went to a special ed school.

01:13:52.000 So everything's normal up here, but the way I acted, very weird.

01:13:56.000 And there was this girl on the bus.

01:13:58.000 She was a fat girl.

01:13:59.000 She was older than me.

01:14:00.000 Black.

01:14:01.000 Black girl.

01:14:02.000 And she would touch my peony, and I fingered her.

01:14:06.000 And my great-grandfather picked me up from school one day.

01:14:09.000 And I remember holding, I was sitting on my hand, and he took me to McDonald's.

01:14:13.000 I had to wash my hand so many times, and I couldn't get it off.

01:14:15.000 This was very pungent, very stinky.

01:14:19.000 And it lasted for like a day.

01:14:21.000 I wasn't listening to any of that.

01:14:22.000 All right.

01:14:23.000 Have we started the mailbag yet?

01:14:25.000 We have not.

01:14:26.000 Okay, let's do it.

01:14:28.000 Ryan, shut up, you don't have a dad.

01:14:33.000 Let's turn our eyes to Gavin's mailbag.

01:14:38.000 Let me touch it.

01:14:40.000 That was perfect.

01:14:41.000 Ryan, shut up.

01:14:43.000 As I was talking.

01:14:44.000 Yo, dudes, what a dunce.

01:14:46.000 This is from Casual Fantano, the Needle Drop.

01:14:50.000 He's a music critic, I guess.

01:14:52.000 Oh, Anthony Fantano.

01:14:54.000 Who's that?

01:14:55.000 Yeah, the Needle Drop, biggest critic of music out there.

01:14:59.000 What does that mean?

01:15:00.000 He's like the biggest music reviewer on YouTube.

01:15:03.000 Okay.

01:15:05.000 So Dave Rubin says, where do you think the next great music artwork is going to come from?

01:15:08.000 Probably the right.

01:15:10.000 And then he says, conservatives are not fun, creative, smart, empathetic, or interesting.

01:15:17.000 I remember a journal entry when I was about 11 or 12, and it said, disco sucks.

01:15:23.000 Rock is fun, cool, exciting, and entertaining.

01:15:28.000 So he talks like a 12-year-old.

01:15:30.000 The craft of this song, I'm getting a little bit teary-eyed thinking of it.

01:15:34.000 You know, you could really tell that he wasn't.

01:15:35.000 Hey, we went through him crying or almost crying.

01:15:39.000 Wanted to not only just function as a great song on its own, but also just be a great tribute to Nate Dogg as a singer and as a performer.

01:15:48.000 He's going to cry at how awesome Nate Dogg is.

01:15:52.000 Got a cough for the girls and it's going real swell.

01:15:55.000 It's a really great ending to the album.

01:15:57.000 Really great ending to the album.

01:15:59.000 What a fucking dork.

01:16:02.000 And being a critic is so sad.

01:16:03.000 As Public Enemy said, fuck the critics.

01:16:06.000 Fuck, fuck the critic.

01:16:07.000 Your life is just looking at other people experiencing life and not making anything of your own.

01:16:13.000 You interviewed Sam Hyde and he couldn't hang.

01:16:17.000 What do you mean?

01:16:18.000 Sam ate him for lunch?

01:16:19.000 He's just like, all right, can you stop?

01:16:21.000 Stop trying to be funny.

01:16:22.000 Just stop, stop.

01:16:22.000 He's like, one man.

01:16:25.000 What's the problem?

01:16:26.000 We have a very special guest.

01:16:28.000 He is a.

01:16:34.000 Hoola, my old chum.

01:16:36.000 Yeah.

01:16:37.000 Look at his racist teeth.

01:16:41.000 Oh, they edited this out.

01:16:44.000 Yeah, he just...

01:16:45.000 He couldn't.

01:16:46.000 Couldn't hang, couldn't be funny.

01:16:47.000 Are you offended by his teeth as a Chinaman?

01:16:50.000 Who?

01:16:51.000 Anthony Fantano?

01:16:52.000 Yeah.

01:16:52.000 His teeth are making fun of your people.

01:16:54.000 That's true.

01:16:56.000 But as a non-Chinese person, I don't mind.

01:16:58.000 Well, Japan is, what, an hour away?

01:17:01.000 It's island China.

01:17:03.000 That's why they don't make great art.

01:17:04.000 Their art sucks ass, period.

01:17:06.000 The next great music will never come from the right ever.

01:17:09.000 It hasn't so far.

01:17:10.000 Why would it ever in the future?

01:17:12.000 Yeah, there's no great art from the right.

01:17:14.000 There's no such thing as outlaw country.

01:17:16.000 That doesn't exist.

01:17:18.000 There's no such thing as classical music.

01:17:20.000 And if we want to stay within the confines of your indie art and rap, I guess we have to ignore Kanye West.

01:17:27.000 But also, all of these right-leaning dudes like Jesse from MasterCraft and Ego's Death Metal dude who was canceled on Dream Machine and what's his name,

01:17:43.000 Ty Richards, and the dude from Mumford and Sons who had to split.

01:17:47.000 There's all these people lurking in the alternative music scene who can't say that they're on the right because you fucking losers, as Barry Weiss was saying, will cancel and destroy them.

01:18:04.000 All right.

01:18:08.000 This is from a guy named Paul.

01:18:09.000 He wants me to know that before Suicide and that Recon band you opened with, there was Joy Division.

01:18:14.000 Joy Division were a sort of a punk band.

01:18:17.000 They were around when punk was big in 78, but they were considered post-punk pretty early while Punk was still alive.

01:18:24.000 And they're from the late 70s.

01:18:26.000 Suicide was from 1970, you fucking arrogant Zoomer dickweed, talking to an old grumpy man who has been collecting records since decades before you were born.

01:18:42.000 And you're telling me about fucking Joy Division.

01:18:45.000 Go fuck yourself, you moron.

01:18:48.000 Hey, gay boys, something about Laundry being found dead doesn't surprise me.

01:18:52.000 Couldn't have him talking about how they let him go for a few months.

01:18:56.000 What?

01:18:57.000 So because they took so long to found Laundry, they killed him?

01:19:01.000 Stupidest theory ever.

01:19:04.000 Then you have Alec Baldwin shooting that chick.

01:19:06.000 How the fuck do you accidentally shoot live rounds into a gun?

01:19:08.000 Why are live rounds even on the set?

01:19:10.000 Okay, so what's your theory?

01:19:12.000 I think it was set up to replace the Loundry story.

01:19:15.000 Anything to...

01:19:16.000 So they had Alec Baldwin murder a woman.

01:19:20.000 How did they know he was going to point it at this cinematographer?

01:19:22.000 They had him murder people so no one would talk about the FBI.

01:19:27.000 Guys, the FBI doesn't give a fuck if we talk about them or not.

01:19:31.000 They are above the law, literally.

01:19:34.000 So are the CIA.

01:19:35.000 They don't need distractions.

01:19:37.000 Dummy?

01:19:41.000 Uh-oh.

01:19:42.000 Fact checkers are back.

01:19:43.000 See?

01:19:44.000 They probably work with the feds.

01:19:46.000 I can absolutely confirm glory holes are a thing.

01:19:48.000 Now, this letter goes on and on and on.

01:19:51.000 Trevor, you're a terrible writer, and you have to understand you need to kill your darlings.

01:19:57.000 This is why men are better at writing than women, because men are better at killing puppies.

01:20:02.000 So this guy goes on to tell me that he came across a glory hole at a restroom in Odessa, Texas at a truck stop.

01:20:08.000 And then he went to pay his, he didn't oblige.

01:20:13.000 And then he went to pay his bill, and the woman was weird.

01:20:18.000 He takes two paragraphs or a long paragraph to say that.

01:20:22.000 I had to take a piss, so I pulled into a mom-and-pop truck stop to alleviate the situation.

01:20:27.000 Upon entry to the men's room, I noticed there wasn't a urinal, so I went to a stall.

01:20:30.000 I whipped out and proceeded to piss.

01:20:32.000 Very distracted due to the urgency.

01:20:34.000 How many extra details can a letter have?

01:20:38.000 Just say restroom in Odessa.

01:20:39.000 We know why you're there.

01:20:40.000 Believe it or not, we all go pee-pee.

01:20:45.000 Who is this?

01:20:46.000 Written by Stephen Ding-dong?

01:20:50.000 What?

01:20:52.000 What are your holes have to do with penises and Stephen King?

01:20:56.000 Stephen Ding-Dong.

01:20:58.000 Oh, my God, that sucked.

01:21:00.000 How many people think of Stephen King when you say Stephen Ding-Dong?

01:21:03.000 Because he was very descriptive.

01:21:10.000 Ivermectrin has been shown milder to weaken symptoms like and blah, blah, blah.

01:21:19.000 Might help prevent some cases from becoming severe.

01:21:21.000 Okay, let me read this.

01:21:22.000 It's fucking long, but Gav, of all the annoying things the mainstream media has done in the horse-paced belittling of Joe Rogan, not one of those idiots brought up the actual facts of Ivermectrin.

01:21:33.000 So the questionable, not even being very properly studied before being distributed, COVID-19 vaccines can be further promoted.

01:21:42.000 It seems that vaccine promotion is all about lying in the pockets of pharmaceutical companies.

01:21:45.000 According to the Dr. Eddie article I attached below, the actual quote-unquote horse paste has the same ingredients as the human version of the medication.

01:21:54.000 Well, doesn't that kind of help CNN?

01:21:57.000 Because they called it horse paste, and apparently it is.

01:22:01.000 Ivermectrin, also known as an antiparasitic, which the media loves to rub in, has been shown in milder COVID-19 positive cases to weaken symptoms like anosmia, hypoosmia, hyposmia,

01:22:16.000 loss of smell taste, and to lessen the viral load of COVID-19.

01:22:20.000 MSN can't put two beans together to understand that ivermectrin might help prevent some cases from ever becoming severe, and that is a helpful treatment against COVID-19.

01:22:31.000 Why is no one discussing the fact that it reduces the presence of the virus in positive cases?

01:22:36.000 Joe Rogan is a turd, but I don't like him being smeared here.

01:22:40.000 Happy things make me cry.

01:22:43.000 Yeah, I thought that wasn't very...

01:22:45.000 Don't we all know all that?

01:22:48.000 I think so.

01:22:51.000 I cry for happy things too.

01:22:53.000 You know, we might have a doctor.

01:22:54.000 You know how Stern has Dr. Steve?

01:22:57.000 Opie and Anthony had Dr. Steve too?

01:22:59.000 There's a fan of the show, and he's a really good broadcaster in his own right, and he wrote a book.

01:23:06.000 Stern's guy is Migus.

01:23:09.000 He also used Dr. Steve.

01:23:10.000 Okay.

01:23:12.000 But this guy's very smart.

01:23:15.000 And cool.

01:23:15.000 Maybe he could be our doctor guy.

01:23:18.000 That's not.

01:23:19.000 And I super chatted in or just chatted in, hey, you do a great show.

01:23:23.000 And he's like, oh my God, it's Ryan?

01:23:25.000 So he's like, yeah, I listen to your show all the time.

01:23:28.000 He's a big fan.

01:23:29.000 How many views does that video have?

01:23:31.000 So he doesn't have a lot, but he's a far in a professional.

01:23:36.000 What's up, guys?

01:23:36.000 I'll attach an image that my public law school posted to his Twitter account.

01:23:39.000 I cropped up the face of my classmates because it's apparently unethical to post images of people at the school, despite it being a state university open to the general public.

01:23:46.000 That rule may have been created partly due to the fact that I created a meme of my classmate essentially calling him a cuck.

01:23:50.000 Nonetheless, the school has never flown any sort of flag above its entrance, including the old stars and stripes.

01:23:57.000 Today, in honor of Spirit Day, we wore purple to stand up against the bullying of LGBTQ plus youth.

01:24:05.000 Yeah, the bullying of gay kids is a myth.

01:24:09.000 It was a thing when I was a kid, sort of, but we didn't know what gays were back then.

01:24:14.000 So I guess it wasn't.

01:24:15.000 We'd call you a sissy.

01:24:16.000 We'd wedgie nerds.

01:24:18.000 I got wedgied and I wedgied.

01:24:20.000 I was on both sides of the wedge.

01:24:22.000 But like this idea of fags, we didn't know Liberace was gay.

01:24:26.000 We didn't know Freddie Murky was gay.

01:24:28.000 We didn't know that Rob Halford was gay.

01:24:31.000 No one was gay when I was young.

01:24:33.000 The village people singing about meeting men at the YMCA.

01:24:39.000 So there's only been gay kids for like a few years.

01:24:43.000 Maybe the late 80s, early 90s, maybe?

01:24:46.000 Probably not even.

01:24:47.000 Probably mid-90s up.

01:24:49.000 And by then, homophobia was long gone.

01:24:51.000 So all of this fighting back and trying to make gay children feel okay, all you're doing is making gay children.

01:24:59.000 Stop trying to make them okay.

01:25:01.000 You're just making them.

01:25:03.000 Anyway, that's enough of that.

01:25:04.000 Let's get to the final vid.

01:25:08.000 Final co-video.

01:25:25.000 Okay, this is a weird final video because we usually like to have a viral bonk like we did, but you had all that ridiculosity.

01:25:32.000 So now I just want to, I'm sure you're all familiar with these guys who scam the scammers.

01:25:37.000 I love them.

01:25:38.000 I think they're fantastic.

01:25:40.000 And this guy did one of the best jobs.

01:25:45.000 This has already been seen by everyone.

01:25:47.000 I'm apologizing in advance if you've seen it, but if you haven't, you have to.

01:25:51.000 12 million views.

01:25:52.000 It's like a year old.

01:25:53.000 I'm sorry.

01:25:53.000 But it was just so fun to watch.

01:25:55.000 This guy has a filter in his voice when he has an old lady.

01:25:58.000 And I've seen him fuck them over by wasting their time before.

01:26:01.000 Those ones are always fun.

01:26:02.000 But I've never seen him gain access to their computer.

01:26:06.000 And this guy got in to the Indian's computer and deleted 100% of his files.

01:26:14.000 How he did that, I don't know.

01:26:16.000 I guess when you do Team Viewer or whatever it is, and they have access to you, there's a way for you to gain access back to them.

01:26:24.000 $25,000, you keep your money, which is $250, and you have to return back our money, which is $24,750, alright?

01:26:36.000 Okay.

01:26:36.000 Are you doing anything with my computer?

01:26:38.000 I don't think so.

01:26:39.000 Yes, I do.

01:26:40.000 I know that you did something with my computer.

01:26:43.000 No, I didn't.

01:26:44.000 Hey, what's going on, everybody?

01:26:46.000 Pro U with Scammer Payback.

01:26:47.000 Must be really, really excited.

01:26:49.000 Wait, a sweatshirt with no t-shirt?

01:26:51.000 That's not acceptable.

01:26:54.000 Even if it's like a dip, a V-neck.

01:26:59.000 Okay, so anyway, this goes on and on and on.

01:27:02.000 It's half an hour long, but if you go to the last sort of 10%, you can see the shit hit the fan.

01:27:09.000 Ma'am, first of all, I didn't understand what the f ⁇ you were trying to do.

01:27:14.000 Stop doing this.

01:27:15.000 Okay, well, how about you tell me what happened to your computer?

01:27:19.000 Nothing.

01:27:20.000 Are you sure?

01:27:21.000 Yeah.

01:27:23.000 Are you doing anything with my computer?

01:27:25.000 I don't think so.

01:27:26.000 Yes, I do.

01:27:27.000 I know that you did something with my computer.

01:27:29.000 No, I didn't.

01:27:30.000 You are a hacker scammer.

01:27:32.000 What?

01:27:34.000 Why would you try to tell me that there's fake viruses on my computer?

01:27:38.000 And then tell me that I owe you $25,000.

01:27:43.000 How about you have all of your files gone for trying to steal money from an old person?

01:27:49.000 I don't want to take any money from you.

01:27:51.000 Yes, you do.

01:27:53.000 And your files are gone.

01:27:55.000 How did you do that?

01:27:57.000 Because I'm Vivian Helen Veronica Rogers.

01:28:01.000 And you do not mess with old people.

01:28:04.000 Do you hear me?

01:28:05.000 How dare you do this to somebody of my stature?

01:28:08.000 I have a certain set of skills.

01:28:10.000 And you have no files left.

01:28:13.000 Why would you do that, ma'am?

01:28:14.000 Why would you try to steal from me?

01:28:16.000 I'm so sorry about it.

01:28:17.000 No, you're not.

01:28:19.000 I heard what you said in Hindi as well about me.

01:28:22.000 What did I say about you?

01:28:23.000 You said the MF word about me.

01:28:27.000 And I knew that you were talking on WhatsApp with your friend when you were on my computer on your phone yesterday.

01:28:35.000 I was watching you.

01:28:36.000 And you're from Kolkata and you have a Samsung device.

01:28:40.000 How do you know that?

01:28:41.000 Why would you try to do this to unsuspecting old people?

01:28:45.000 So sorry, I will not do this again.

01:28:47.000 So sorry about it, ma'am.

01:28:48.000 Don't do anything with me.

01:28:50.000 If you can, please give me all my files, ma'am.

01:28:54.000 Please, I'm requesting you, ma'am.

01:28:56.000 No, ma'am, I'm questioning you.

01:28:58.000 Please don't do this, ma'am.

01:28:59.000 You're trying to steal $25,000 and you're worried about a couple files.

01:29:03.000 Well, you're actually worried about like tens of thousands of files.

01:29:06.000 But still, how dare you do this to somebody?

01:29:09.000 And you're cussing under your breath about me.

01:29:11.000 I heard what you said about me.

01:29:13.000 And now you want to apologize.

01:29:15.000 So sorry, ma'am.

01:29:17.000 You should be ashamed of yourself.

01:29:18.000 Yes, I'm really ashamed of myself.

01:29:20.000 No, you're not.

01:29:21.000 Yes, ma'am.

01:29:22.000 Please forgive me, ma'am.

01:29:24.000 No, look how bad this is.

01:29:25.000 Look at this.

01:29:26.000 Microsoft has failed to install your version.

01:29:28.000 We owe you $250, and you're going to try to take $25 freaking thousand dollars from me?

01:29:33.000 You don't mess with somebody who loves Bobby Flay like I do.

01:29:37.000 Look at those jeans.

01:29:38.000 He fits into the...

01:29:38.000 Have you noticed that Indian dude talks like Joe Biden, too?

01:29:41.000 I'm so sorry for it.

01:29:43.000 She called back.

01:29:44.000 She knows she not get fingered.

01:29:46.000 So that's it, folks.

01:29:47.000 People fighting back.

01:29:48.000 You know, you don't have to take on Joe Biden.

01:29:50.000 You don't have to get him ousted from the office.

01:29:52.000 You don't have to behead Kamala Harris to have a victory.

01:29:56.000 You can start small.

01:29:58.000 Scam scammers waste their time.

01:30:01.000 Get teachers who are corrupt and radical fired, not the fucking math teacher.

01:30:06.000 Leave her alone.

01:30:08.000 And you can make a change.

01:30:10.000 So let's do that this weekend.

01:30:11.000 And let's start with our families.

01:30:12.000 Spend some time with your kids.

01:30:14.000 And if you don't have any, go make some.

01:30:16.000 They're a joy.

01:30:18.000 Get fired.

01:30:19.000 Get in trouble.

01:30:20.000 Be brave.

01:30:21.000 And never stop fighting.

Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - October 22, 2021

S04E45 - IN DEFENSE OF JOKES

Episode Stats

Length

Words per Minute

Word Count

Sentence Count

Misogynist Sentences

Hate Speech Sentences

Summary

Transcript