Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - December 25, 2021


S04E66 - MERRY CHRISTMAS BABY MONSTERS!


Episode Stats


Length

48 minutes

Words per minute

148.96693

Word count

7,282

Sentence count

936

Harmful content

Misogyny

29

sentences flagged

Hate speech

31

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

In this episode, the boys talk about their favorite holiday traditions and the weirdest things they do to get into the spirit of the season. They also talk about Christmas lights, eggnog, and airdrops.

Transcript

Transcripts from "Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes" are sourced from the Knowledge Fight Interactive Search Tool. Explore them interactively here.
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
00:00:14.000 From New York, it's Get Off My War with Kevin McGinnis.
00:00:40.000 See, that was a different time, that song.
00:00:43.000 That was a time when you could swear in pop songs.
00:00:50.000 And then we become so uptight in our modern age.
00:00:54.000 Later, we'll have some fucking pie. 0.97
00:00:57.000 Later, we'll have some fucking pie. 0.97
00:01:01.000 Like, she loves pie.
00:01:03.000 Want some fucking pie.
00:01:05.000 Yeah, and you can tell she's so plump, too. 0.96
00:01:08.000 You know what I mean?
00:01:08.000 Like, it gets you in the Christmas spirit because this woman's not messing around.
00:01:12.000 Later, we'll have some fucking pie. 0.97
00:01:14.000 We'll open presents and shit.
00:01:17.000 It's going to be fucking awesome.
00:01:19.000 Fuck under the mistletoe.
00:01:21.000 Yeah, we don't kiss under the mistletoe.
00:01:23.000 We butt fuck. 0.99
00:01:24.000 Yeah, 69.
00:01:25.000 Yeah, fuck.
00:01:27.000 Put your tongue down my throat if you're near the mistletoe.
00:01:30.000 Which is a pagan tradition.
00:01:33.000 A lot of paganism in Christmas.
00:01:35.000 That's why I get annoyed when the Jews and the Buddhists and the atheists don't put shit up on their lawn. 1.00
00:01:40.000 That's kind of a, I could take that as a bit of a fuck you to me.
00:01:44.000 And to all of us, and to Christmas, to today.
00:01:48.000 Just put a light on your lawn.
00:01:50.000 Put a thing up.
00:01:51.000 The Chinese do in Diker Heights. 1.00
00:01:54.000 Oh, I got to show you that.
00:01:55.000 Thank God I remember.
00:01:56.000 Did I send you my pics?
00:01:57.000 No.
00:01:58.000 I went to Diker Heights, which is deep in Brooklyn.
00:02:02.000 It's at the bottom of the Brooklyn.
00:02:04.000 Airdrop open.
00:02:06.000 I guess I won't include them with my kids because we live in a psychotic society where my children can't be identified.
00:02:14.000 I forget what I saw recently and they showed their kids and I was like, oh, what are you doing?
00:02:18.000 Yeah.
00:02:19.000 Unpublish, edit.
00:02:20.000 The left can show their kids.
00:02:22.000 I guess I'll do airdrop.
00:02:23.000 Did you turn on the airdrop?
00:02:24.000 Yeah.
00:02:25.000 Yay.
00:02:26.000 I'm in Diker Heights.
00:02:28.000 Diker Heights is known as Italian, old school.
00:02:31.000 Kind of a tough neighborhood.
00:02:33.000 There's Puerto Ricans and there's Irish and stuff.
00:02:37.000 Did you get it?
00:02:39.000 It says scent.
00:02:40.000 Gavin's iMac?
00:02:42.000 No.
00:02:43.000 It would be censored Mac.
00:02:46.000 Okay.
00:02:46.000 We're not doing a very good job here of entertaining people.
00:02:49.000 Or you can text him to me.
00:02:50.000 He'll pop up.
00:02:52.000 Yeah.
00:02:55.000 It's kind of a tough, very old school Brooklyn.
00:02:57.000 Like, guys who grew up there in Diker Heights, we're right by Coney Island and stuff, like the Warriors.
00:03:02.000 They never left that block.
00:03:04.000 But there's some WAPs, some zips make money. 0.97
00:03:07.000 Zips and nips make money. 0.99
00:03:10.000 And so they want to, and they have construction shit going on.
00:03:13.000 So they'll take a few supplies from the job, a bit of drywall, and bring it to the house they're building.
00:03:20.000 And they build these monolithic McMansions that are fucking ridiculous.
00:03:26.000 I like them.
00:03:26.000 They're so tacky.
00:03:27.000 I wouldn't want to live in one, but like a Greek column that's as big as this building. 1.00
00:03:33.000 You don't know this building, but like you would die if you fell from the top of it.
00:03:37.000 Seamless, too.
00:03:38.000 It looks like it's one big piece.
00:03:40.000 You know, back in Rome, they'd have the slaves do that. 0.99
00:03:44.000 That's one house.
00:03:45.000 That's a Chinaman, that guy. 1.00
00:03:48.000 Dang.
00:03:48.000 Because he was in his driveway getting something from his truck.
00:03:50.000 I go, can I ask you something?
00:03:52.000 I said, like, I put up Christmas lights in my house.
00:03:55.000 I would be, I don't like putting up stuff super high where you'll die if you fall.
00:03:59.000 And I go, go back to the other one.
00:04:02.000 I go to him, how do they do that?
00:04:06.000 You can't really see it, but the very tippity top.
00:04:09.000 Like, how do they get those up?
00:04:10.000 Do they go from the roof and lean down?
00:04:12.000 I'm getting like seasick just talking about it.
00:04:15.000 And he goes, oh, they use a ladder.
00:04:19.000 And I realize, oh, you hired a bunch of Mexicans to do this. 1.00
00:04:22.000 They did a great job.
00:04:23.000 In my old neighborhood, in Brooklyn, there was a house where the guy spent $10,000 a year.
00:04:29.000 He was next to a synagogue.
00:04:30.000 And he spent $10,000 on his decorations every year.
00:04:35.000 Oh, it's snowing in here.
00:04:37.000 It's chilly.
00:04:39.000 I'm going to have some eggnog.
00:04:43.000 Ooh, are you cold too?
00:04:45.000 Yeah.
00:04:46.000 You're nice and blinking.
00:04:48.000 You're so cold and blurry.
00:04:49.000 You're so cold, it's blurry out.
00:04:52.000 It does happen during blizzards.
00:04:54.000 It's blurzards. 1.00
00:04:56.000 Your mic's sharp, though.
00:04:58.000 Well, because they don't feel temperature.
00:05:01.000 They didn't have to deal with the myths and the legends.
00:05:04.000 So I guess Chinese people are getting rich, and they're very mathematical. 0.99
00:05:10.000 They have the abacus, and they just go, this is the best value for my dollar.
00:05:13.000 I can commute.
00:05:14.000 I don't mind.
00:05:15.000 I don't have a soul.
00:05:16.000 So I can be in traffic for two hours a day.
00:05:18.000 The traffic, if you hit traffic going to Diker Heitzenbach, it's AIDS. 0.72
00:05:22.000 It's 45 minutes or it's half an hour from the city, but with traffic, it's like three fucking hours.
00:05:27.000 I don't know how those people do it.
00:05:29.000 I would just get up at two in the morning, which I guess the Chinese do. 1.00
00:05:32.000 Anyway, very cool walking around there.
00:05:35.000 They're not cheap.
00:05:37.000 It's not like a foam gingerbread man.
00:05:39.000 It's like a polyurethane gingerbread man.
00:05:43.000 It's like, what do you call that stuff?
00:05:46.000 That's like, I wanted the floor of the studio to be this, and the guy kind of gipped me off.
00:05:50.000 What am I talking about?
00:05:52.000 The, you know, the sound.
00:05:54.000 Polyurethane sounded.
00:05:55.000 No, you know, like when you want to encase something in lacquer or ever helped me with something I can't remember ever since the day you were born.
00:06:08.000 That shit's cool.
00:06:09.000 Anyway.
00:06:12.000 Look at that.
00:06:12.000 Oh, so you go, well, what if someone?
00:06:14.000 Epoxy.
00:06:14.000 Epoxy.
00:06:15.000 Thank you.
00:06:17.000 What if someone steals one of these?
00:06:19.000 They're not cheap.
00:06:21.000 That little grouch, Oscar the Grouch, there, must be, I would say, 40 bucks.
00:06:26.000 So it adds up 40, 80, 120, 160, 200, 240, 280, like 300 bucks a shit floating around.
00:06:35.000 So, what they do is, and I think they also do this so they don't blow over, they tie a fishing line to it.
00:06:41.000 A lot of firemen out there, too, which is good because firemen will do like a 30-hour shift, 48-hour shift.
00:06:46.000 So, they're not really worried about traffic, right?
00:06:47.000 You go to weird time, 2 in the morning, you do your crazy shift, you come back at 2 in the morning, it works for them.
00:06:55.000 So, what they do is they have fishing line intertwangled, I invented that word, intertwangled around each other.
00:07:01.000 So, say you grab Oscar, you're grabbing the whole kit in Caboodle.
00:07:04.000 And I also noticed there was a security dude there.
00:07:09.000 I guess if, you know, I've had security guys in my house.
00:07:12.000 They're about $1,000 a night, max.
00:07:15.000 If they're buddies, they'll do it for $600.
00:07:17.000 But, you know, you get four blocks.
00:07:20.000 They all pitch in.
00:07:21.000 It's pretty affordable.
00:07:24.000 I don't know what buenotale means.
00:07:26.000 I thought it was their last name.
00:07:28.000 Oh, is that Italian for Merry Christmas?
00:07:33.000 Yeah, that must be it.
00:07:35.000 Hey, computer, what's Italian for Merry Christmas?
00:07:40.000 Merry Christmas in Italian is Buonotale.
00:07:45.000 Yeah.
00:07:46.000 I can also translate conversations.
00:07:48.000 Unnecessary, computer.
00:07:50.000 No, thank you.
00:07:52.000 Hey, computer, do you relay my private conversations to the FBI?
00:07:59.000 I don't know that.
00:08:02.000 Hey, computer, do you have any correspondence with the FBI or law enforcement?
00:08:08.000 Sorry, I don't know that one.
00:08:10.000 Hey, computer, do you celebrate Christmas?
00:08:14.000 When the season is about goodwill and cheer, you can count on me to celebrate.
00:08:19.000 Very politically correct computer here.
00:08:23.000 Good season and cheer.
00:08:25.000 What's he saying?
00:08:26.000 Look at that shit.
00:08:28.000 That's a home.
00:08:30.000 That fucking hotel is a home.
00:08:31.000 And like I've always said, I don't get big houses.
00:08:34.000 That must be a 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7.
00:08:38.000 At least a 12-bedroom house.
00:08:40.000 So I understand if you got 12 kids, but what if you don't?
00:08:46.000 You have guests over?
00:08:47.000 Okay, your dining room table must be 30 feet long.
00:08:51.000 And now you're just living in a hotel.
00:08:53.000 I've said it before and I'll say it again.
00:08:55.000 I live in a big house.
00:08:56.000 I lived in a house so big that I had to text my kids when it was bedtime because I didn't know where the fuck they were.
00:09:03.000 That's what I was talking about, by the way, when I said expensive.
00:09:05.000 Cut me out of the picture for a sec.
00:09:08.000 There's two gingerbread.
00:09:10.000 There's a gingerbread man and a gingerbread woman.
00:09:13.000 Gingerbread woman.
00:09:15.000 And if you zoom in, those are not cheap, dude.
00:09:20.000 Those are really nice things that could be in the window at Macy's.
00:09:27.000 Nice balls, too.
00:09:28.000 God, I should have said that.
00:09:30.000 The guy was home.
00:09:32.000 Pock, hindsight's 2020.
00:09:33.000 We got some presents on today's show, right?
00:09:36.000 Gift exchange.
00:09:37.000 Ryan and I did a Secret Santa here at the studio.
00:09:41.000 And coincidentally, what would you know?
00:09:43.000 Would you know it?
00:09:46.000 I got Ryan and he got me.
00:09:47.000 Yeah.
00:09:48.000 And I remembered.
00:09:49.000 I didn't forget.
00:09:50.000 I will introduce the Censored TV Annual Secret Center.
00:10:06.000 Pump, pump the jam, pump the jam. 0.99
00:10:08.000 Graphics you were targeting.
00:10:10.000 Thank you.
00:10:11.000 So yes, the reveal, I got.
00:10:16.000 Are we dumping right into it?
00:10:17.000 Hold on.
00:10:18.000 Hold your weish, as we say in Scotland.
00:10:21.000 Have you shown all the Diker Heights?
00:10:23.000 All the Diker has been Sassine. 1.00
00:10:26.000 Let's see.
00:10:27.000 There's the gingerbread, and then we're back to this guy.
00:10:30.000 Yeah.
00:10:31.000 Right?
00:10:32.000 Yep.
00:10:33.000 Jesus is hanging out.
00:10:36.000 You know, it's a long drive, but I purposely chose, I told the kids no screens, and it was a really good time because they had no choice but to talk to me.
00:10:46.000 It's weird, having teenagers and a young kid, the things you make them do, the memories you create, aren't necessarily fun.
00:10:58.000 They don't really love it.
00:11:01.000 Like, they like their drugs, their crack, which is Fortnite MLB the show, watching some old flavor of love, playing.
00:11:10.000 I'm including all my kids here and all their weird things they're into.
00:11:14.000 That's when they really enjoy themselves.
00:11:16.000 It's sort of like Amy Winehouse in that documentary where she's winning an award.
00:11:19.000 And she goes, this is so, she whispers to her friend, this is so fucking boring without drugs.
00:11:24.000 So you're taking away their drugs and you're doing something else.
00:11:27.000 But when they look back, they're not going to look back at Fortnite and M.L.B. The show.
00:11:30.000 They'll look back at when their dad took them to Diker Heights or when they went skiing.
00:11:34.000 I don't know if they thoroughly enjoy the actual act of skiing.
00:11:40.000 But you're like, it's away from screens.
00:11:42.000 You're being with your family.
00:11:43.000 You're enjoying yourself.
00:11:44.000 We're creating memories.
00:11:46.000 It's a bizarre phenomenon where the things that are best for them are not the things they enjoy the most.
00:11:54.000 She's just like, I wish this microphone was a syringe.
00:12:00.000 She didn't even die of drugs, you know.
00:12:01.000 Is this the clip?
00:12:03.000 No.
00:12:04.000 Well, maybe.
00:12:06.000 This is so fucking boring without heroin.
00:12:14.000 But even Christmas with the whole family, like, does everyone enjoys it, especially the moms.
00:12:20.000 But do they really, does everyone else really enjoy it the way they enjoy their favorite thing?
00:12:25.000 And then I started thinking, I'm not sure I even enjoy my favorite thing.
00:12:30.000 Like, a blowjob is inarguable.
00:12:33.000 Everyone enjoys that.
00:12:34.000 It's not like anyone's going like this during a BJ.
00:12:37.000 So that's like indisputably good, feeling good, great.
00:12:44.000 But like, when you're, I like being in my old man bar sitting around.
00:12:48.000 Sometimes I'm talking to people that I normally wouldn't be friends with in normal life, or I'm just watching Law and Order with the sound off, and I'm trying to follow the plot with no subtitles.
00:12:57.000 Like, it looks like a cop got shot.
00:13:01.000 And yeah.
00:13:04.000 At least with heroin, you're definitely enjoying yourself.
00:13:07.000 There's no arguing.
00:13:09.000 But that's not good for you.
00:13:11.000 Anyway, I'm off of a tangent here.
00:13:13.000 You're sitting with the family.
00:13:14.000 You're all watching GOML together.
00:13:16.000 It's like changing my baby's diaper.
00:13:18.000 It's definitely not fun.
00:13:19.000 Oh, that's a great example.
00:13:20.000 For once, Detective Shitty brings up something good.
00:13:22.000 It feels good, but it's not fun.
00:13:26.000 Yeah, it stinks like shit.
00:13:27.000 It literally stinks like shit.
00:13:28.000 And when I had my last kid, when he was on his diapers, and he was getting to be like whatever the age is two when they run out, every diaper, I was like, this could be the last diaper I ever do in my life.
00:13:39.000 Weird.
00:13:40.000 Till I die.
00:13:41.000 That's sad.
00:13:42.000 Unless I get some grandbaby diapers, which I don't think I'll make it that far.
00:13:47.000 And so I was like coveting every shitstimere.
00:13:50.000 Yeah.
00:13:51.000 It's like that saying, Cormac McCarthy said, there's no joy at the tavern as great as the road there too.
00:13:58.000 A lot of the stuff we enjoy isn't necessarily joyful.
00:14:03.000 Like salt and vinegar chips or like spicy burritos that hurt your mouth or rough sex. 0.98
00:14:12.000 Yeah, hot sauce, come to think of it, I enjoy putting hot sauce on stuff, but it's not fun.
00:14:17.000 I don't like it.
00:14:18.000 It tastes good.
00:14:18.000 And I always, if I have a burrito and there's no sriracha or hot or Tabasco around, I'm not eating it.
00:14:23.000 Yeah.
00:14:24.000 I eat hot sauce till I'm in pain.
00:14:26.000 Yep.
00:14:27.000 So I'm having a painful food.
00:14:31.000 We're weird as humans, aren't we?
00:14:36.000 Anyway, speaking of joy, this is a short app, you know, just a Christmas app.
00:14:40.000 We wanted to squeeze it in here because we love Christmas.
00:14:43.000 We're Christians, Catholics.
00:14:45.000 Big day, big day.
00:14:49.000 And judging by the amount of boxes by your desk, Ryan, I think you got me a lot of...
00:14:54.000 Ho, ho, ho. 0.99
00:14:56.000 Who's that?
00:14:57.000 Merry Christmas.
00:14:59.000 Oh, my God, Jesse Lee Peterson.
00:15:01.000 Welcome to the studio.
00:15:02.000 It's great to see you again.
00:15:04.000 I'm happy that you said that about Christmas.
00:15:06.000 It is about the Lord.
00:15:08.000 It's not about the children of the lie will tell you that Christmas is about presents and commerciality.
00:15:17.000 It's not.
00:15:19.000 It's about Jesus.
00:15:21.000 Jesus is a focal point of Christmas.
00:15:23.000 But the thing I kind of like about it is the ambiguity with the commercialism.
00:15:27.000 Like, I like it all.
00:15:28.000 Throw it all in.
00:15:30.000 Like, there's a lot of paganism in Christmas.
00:15:32.000 Jesus was not born on the 24th.
00:15:35.000 That's the sun god.
00:15:36.000 But we wanted to bring in the pagans.
00:15:37.000 So we pulled them in.
00:15:38.000 The mistletoe, all of the plants lying around.
00:15:42.000 Even the Christmas tree, that's paganism. 0.99
00:15:45.000 So we pulled that in, and I kind of see them as trophies as Christianity-dominated paganism. 0.97
00:15:51.000 Almost like a snowball at the top of a hill, and then you keep rolling it.
00:15:55.000 And we didn't have snow.
00:15:57.000 Yeah, Jesus is the snowball.
00:15:59.000 And then all the paganism and commercialization and Santa Claus and the Nordic God and the reindeer. 0.65
00:16:06.000 That's all the extra snow that gets on top.
00:16:07.000 And then you get to the bottom.
00:16:08.000 You have this big giant snowball.
00:16:09.000 It's kind of like American history.
00:16:11.000 Like people go, take down the Confederate statues.
00:16:13.000 That was bad.
00:16:14.000 And you go, yeah, there's a lot of bad.
00:16:16.000 Good, bad.
00:16:18.000 It's all, you know, we have this obsession in 2021, about to be 2022, where we want to sanitize everything.
00:16:26.000 But the moral of today's show is take the crunchy with the smooth.
00:16:29.000 That's right.
00:16:30.000 You know, it's like when I made my mom make mints and tatties without anything in the mints but mints.
00:16:35.000 It was gross and boring.
00:16:37.000 I liked the vegetables I don't like in the mints.
00:16:40.000 So you got to include the Confederate statutes.
00:16:42.000 You got to include slavery.
00:16:44.000 You got to include the Civil War.
00:16:45.000 It's all the messes that we all went through that brought us together today.
00:16:50.000 That's right.
00:16:51.000 Enjoy the mess.
00:16:52.000 Enjoy the filth, the evil.
00:16:54.000 Take the snow and make a snowman out of it.
00:16:57.000 I mean, we didn't have snow back then.
00:16:58.000 Where we grew up, we were too poor.
00:17:01.000 You couldn't afford snow?
00:17:02.000 That's right.
00:17:03.000 So we used to take like a Bisquick or like a pancake batter and we used to lay it on the floor and then make little snow lumps.
00:17:11.000 So then we put a car lumps.
00:17:13.000 Put a carrot coming out the top.
00:17:14.000 We couldn't afford carrots neither, but we had a...
00:17:17.000 I don't even want to get there, but make a snow lump out of the blizzard.
00:17:22.000 You don't want to tell me what you used for carrots?
00:17:24.000 It's private?
00:17:26.000 Are you ashamed?
00:17:27.000 You were on a show recently with Jesse Lee Peterson.
00:17:32.000 Yeah.
00:17:32.000 Do you have a clip of that?
00:17:33.000 Can we see that?
00:17:33.000 I don't have a clip of it yet, but if you go to Matt Andrews' YouTube, I think he should be putting it out.
00:17:38.000 It should be out by now.
00:17:40.000 Okay, we'll check that out.
00:17:42.000 Well, thank you for coming on the show, Jesse.
00:17:43.000 God bless it.
00:17:44.000 Merry Christmas.
00:17:45.000 He, he, he.
00:17:47.000 He doesn't like saying ho because he's against prostitution.
00:17:52.000 I like delaying the presents here.
00:17:54.000 That's kind of another fun part of Christmas.
00:17:56.000 We let the kids open one present on Christmas Eve.
00:18:00.000 My youngest son chose the weirdest present he's ever asked for.
00:18:04.000 He asked for a bullhorn.
00:18:07.000 And he said, I want to make sure that's the present I open on Christmas Eve.
00:18:11.000 Okay.
00:18:12.000 I guess you can see where this is going.
00:18:13.000 It was a very loud night and a very loud morning.
00:18:22.000 Have we tapped everything we want to tap?
00:18:26.000 Oh, Dinesh D'Souza is here.
00:18:28.000 I think we have tapped out just about everything except I wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas.
00:18:35.000 Thank you.
00:18:36.000 Ode.
00:18:38.000 Okay, well, thanks for coming on the show, Dinesh.
00:18:41.000 Always appreciate you popping by.
00:18:43.000 Totally.
00:18:44.000 Merry Christmas.
00:18:46.000 Let's do my first present.
00:18:48.000 Okay.
00:18:50.000 Secret Santa present number one.
00:19:00.000 We're joined by Technotronic.
00:19:03.000 Yeah, bring them up one by one.
00:19:10.000 You know, the girl for the Technotronic video, this song, Yakid K, I believe her name is.
00:19:17.000 She's kind of a homely lesbian. 1.00
00:19:19.000 And they didn't want her in the video because she wasn't pretty enough. 1.00
00:19:21.000 So they just got that chick. 0.99
00:19:23.000 That's not Yakid K. A Milli Vanilli type. 0.89
00:19:26.000 A Milli Vanilli broad.
00:19:28.000 That'd be kind of a bummer, right?
00:19:29.000 Yeah.
00:19:30.000 You write a hit, number one hit song, and people are like, that's great.
00:19:32.000 We're going to make a video.
00:19:33.000 Oh, well, I better get my hair and makeup done.
00:19:37.000 No, you're not in it.
00:19:39.000 You're not in your song.
00:19:41.000 What do we got here?
00:19:42.000 Whoa, this takes me back.
00:19:45.000 Stretch Armstrong.
00:19:47.000 Heck yeah.
00:19:48.000 This was a big deal to us as kids.
00:19:51.000 So that was...
00:19:52.000 I think this predates Star Wars.
00:19:54.000 Dude, that's one of the oldest toys in the world.
00:19:58.000 I don't know if that's true, but...
00:19:59.000 And they still stretch.
00:20:02.000 Armstrong.
00:20:03.000 Look at that stretch.
00:20:05.000 Because around here, you start getting nervous.
00:20:07.000 Stretch, are you okay?
00:20:09.000 Yeah, I've never stretched it that far.
00:20:10.000 I got scared.
00:20:11.000 Engines, Connie, handle it. 1.00
00:20:14.000 And then you take it back.
00:20:17.000 I grew up with a different Stretch Armstrong.
00:20:19.000 See, I grew up with a foreskin, so I'm fine with stretching things.
00:20:22.000 I grew up without the myths and legends.
00:20:28.000 I didn't grow up with the Star Wars toys because we couldn't afford them.
00:20:31.000 This was my stretch.
00:20:32.000 No, we could afford them, but they just didn't get them.
00:20:34.000 90s Stretch Armstrong.
00:20:35.000 Oh, that sucks, dude.
00:20:36.000 Weird, right?
00:20:37.000 I hate to, you know, salad daze my youth over yours, but my stretch Armstrong.
00:20:43.000 Look up the 70s Stretch Armstrong.
00:20:45.000 But did you have this?
00:20:47.000 This is his evil buddy, Vac-Man.
00:20:49.000 You'd take a vacuum and put it on his head, suck all the air out, and then he was like, you could mold him and he stays.
00:20:58.000 I don't understand.
00:21:00.000 What air?
00:21:02.000 He has air?
00:21:02.000 There was air in his bag.
00:21:04.000 This is the 70s one.
00:21:06.000 So this is like the retro.
00:21:07.000 Was it bigger, though, back in the day?
00:21:09.000 Well, that kid's not a midget. 1.00
00:21:11.000 It was just the same as this, but way bigger.
00:21:16.000 Everything was bigger back then.
00:21:17.000 Our G.I. Joes were like almost life-size.
00:21:20.000 Yes.
00:21:21.000 So that's really cool.
00:21:22.000 Oh, look, you can get Vac-Man, too.
00:21:24.000 There's an octopus guy.
00:21:25.000 What?
00:21:26.000 Oh, cool.
00:21:28.000 Still going.
00:21:29.000 This is the Vac-Man.
00:21:31.000 Vac-Man!
00:21:36.000 Stretch arms, drunk, starch, enemy.
00:21:37.000 Oh, he gets lumpy.
00:21:45.000 Vac him, crack him.
00:21:48.000 Stretch, Vac-Man.
00:21:50.000 I bet that was a chemist who discovered this sort of stretchy polymer.
00:21:53.000 He was going for something else, like a new type of insulation.
00:21:56.000 And his boss said, this is fucking useless, dummy.
00:21:59.000 And he was about to throw it out.
00:22:00.000 And then his son said, Dad, you can make it into a stretchy guy, and it's a toy.
00:22:05.000 That's how we discovered post-it notes.
00:22:07.000 We were going for the most intense glue on earth.
00:22:11.000 And we ended up with a shitty glue.
00:22:13.000 And then someone goes, just make it a post-it note.
00:22:18.000 Gift number two.
00:22:19.000 Let's do all my gifts to me.
00:22:21.000 Yeah.
00:22:22.000 Because that's obviously what I knew everyone wants to see.
00:22:24.000 The number one guy, the main dude.
00:22:27.000 And then we'll go through your tons of presents.
00:22:33.000 Okay, what's next?
00:22:39.000 Oh, we're doing them all at once.
00:22:41.000 What's this?
00:22:42.000 Cologne?
00:22:44.000 Okay, present number two.
00:22:46.000 You know, hockey tape is kind of a tacky thing to put on a present.
00:22:49.000 I don't mean to look a gift horse in the brain, but...
00:22:51.000 It's literally a gift horse.
00:22:55.000 I love this.
00:22:56.000 Great present.
00:22:57.000 It's a shot glass.
00:22:58.000 It says, sounds gay.
00:22:59.000 I'm in.
00:23:01.000 Maybe I'll just re-gift this to my wife today.
00:23:04.000 You can stay at the censored bar.
00:23:06.000 You can re-gift it.
00:23:07.000 Yeah, that looks fun.
00:23:08.000 Don't tell me that you're going to re-gift it, but yeah.
00:23:11.000 Was that rude?
00:23:12.000 Yes.
00:23:12.000 Where'd you get this?
00:23:14.000 I worked hard on that.
00:23:15.000 I had to stay in line at Spencer's Gifts.
00:23:18.000 Spencer's Gifts.
00:23:19.000 The Co-op City Bronx Mall.
00:23:22.000 Did you know Co-op City used to be a bigger amusement park than Disneyland?
00:23:29.000 Yes, it was called Freedomland.
00:23:31.000 Freedomland.
00:23:32.000 And it died because it was seasonal.
00:23:34.000 Yes.
00:23:36.000 That's a trip.
00:23:37.000 This documentary on it is fucking wild.
00:23:40.000 Show us.
00:23:41.000 Defunctland's trailer.
00:23:44.000 It was one of the most ambitious things ever.
00:23:47.000 It was bigger than, so it was the guys that worked for Walt Disney.
00:23:50.000 And when that was, that seemed like a pipe dream.
00:23:53.000 They didn't think that Walt could pull it off and stuff like that.
00:23:55.000 And this crew splintered off, and they went ahead, and in the Bronx, New York, they constructed this thing called Freedom Land.
00:24:04.000 It was the shape of the United States of America.
00:24:07.000 It had Colorado, Florida, Louisiana, San Francisco, New York, like a mini, like it's a small world.
00:24:15.000 That would be funny if the gays sort of gravitated to the San Francisco area. 0.99
00:24:20.000 They had 40 attractions.
00:24:22.000 They had Indians and cowboys, and they had the Chicago fire.
00:24:29.000 And every hour it would burn up, and they would have Chicago firemen come out.
00:24:34.000 No way.
00:24:35.000 It was huge.
00:24:36.000 So they had like an asbestos building that could take fire 20 hours a day.
00:24:42.000 And the people could run up and try to put the fire out and pump it.
00:24:44.000 They had ferries.
00:24:46.000 Well, you said there was already a San Francisco section.
00:24:48.000 Right.
00:24:48.000 Oh.
00:24:50.000 I understand.
00:24:51.000 I understand your joke.
00:24:52.000 Thank you.
00:24:54.000 There was cowboys and girls with weird noses.
00:24:57.000 Massive.
00:24:58.000 And I grew up on the burial ground of a huge amusement city.
00:25:01.000 So your ghosts were fun.
00:25:03.000 Yes.
00:25:04.000 You grew up with fun ghosts.
00:25:05.000 That's why I always think it's such a fun city, and I never know why.
00:25:07.000 It's just buildings and some space and parks between it.
00:25:10.000 It's haunted by fun.
00:25:12.000 Yeah.
00:25:12.000 So eventually it just went broke because they had to shut down for like November.
00:25:17.000 No.
00:25:17.000 You could probably still do November.
00:25:19.000 Like golf courses here in New York are open till late December.
00:25:25.000 So let's say you got to shut down December, January, February, maybe March.
00:25:30.000 That doesn't seem so bad.
00:25:32.000 Four months off?
00:25:33.000 Do repairs during that time.
00:25:35.000 Yeah, why not?
00:25:36.000 I think you pussied out.
00:25:38.000 Or have Snowland, like turn it all into like Alaska.
00:25:41.000 Yeah, good point.
00:25:42.000 You could just alter some of the shit.
00:25:45.000 And so this is Co-op City, and it's the largest housing cooperative in the world.
00:25:50.000 What a mess.
00:25:51.000 Didn't know that.
00:25:52.000 It's a Puerto Rican human farm. 0.90
00:25:54.000 Well, it was better before the Mavros moved in. 1.00
00:25:56.000 It was better before Puerto Ricans. 1.00
00:25:58.000 Well.
00:25:59.000 The most comfortable everyday underwear.
00:26:02.000 Need a stiff one, it says, and it's underwear that's like beer.
00:26:06.000 I'm wearing some right now.
00:26:07.000 Those are very comfortable.
00:26:10.000 I wear tidy whiteys.
00:26:12.000 Me too.
00:26:13.000 But I'm going to be this guy now.
00:26:14.000 I'm going to wear like decorative.
00:26:16.000 Don't they ride up, though?
00:26:18.000 No.
00:26:18.000 They feel great.
00:26:19.000 This is what my underwear looks like.
00:26:21.000 This is usually what my underwear looks like, folks at home.
00:26:27.000 Yeah, just regular.
00:26:28.000 It looks like you're kind of enhancing your genitals. 0.89
00:26:32.000 But it's backfiring in a genital. 0.94
00:26:33.000 It's a switcher bigger than a finger, actually.
00:26:35.000 Looks like you have a point.
00:26:36.000 Yeah.
00:26:36.000 It looks like you have a pointy prick.
00:26:39.000 All right.
00:26:40.000 Well, it's Christmas, so maybe not that.
00:26:42.000 You know, my son, my teen son, had a Secret Santa, and he got his buddy Hooters underwear.
00:26:51.000 Just like this, but it said Hooters on it.
00:26:54.000 And I said to him, I'm going to give you a joke, and you can have this.
00:26:57.000 By the way, comedians pay for jokes.
00:26:59.000 Did you know that?
00:26:59.000 Stand-up comics will pay like $200, $300.
00:27:01.000 Especially for a roast, but yeah, overall, yeah.
00:27:03.000 So I go, here's a joke you can have for free.
00:27:07.000 Just say, I got you these because you like tits. 1.00
00:27:12.000 Now, these are 13-year-olds, so tits and liking tits is kind of taboo. 0.98
00:27:16.000 That makes it more funny.
00:27:18.000 And I go, you can have that.
00:27:20.000 I go, do you want it?
00:27:20.000 And he goes, no.
00:27:21.000 I go, I'm giving you a free joke.
00:27:24.000 Free joke.
00:27:24.000 He goes, I don't want it.
00:27:26.000 I go, okay, you just threw $200 in the garbage.
00:27:28.000 And he didn't use it.
00:27:30.000 The kids today.
00:27:31.000 What if he says no, uses it and doesn't pay you?
00:27:33.000 Ooh.
00:27:34.000 Ooh.
00:27:35.000 Smart.
00:27:36.000 Sinewy.
00:27:37.000 Cunning.
00:27:38.000 Okay, this one has a little ribbon on it.
00:27:40.000 Yep.
00:27:41.000 That's exciting.
00:27:42.000 It appears to be some sock.
00:27:44.000 Sock atomica.
00:27:47.000 That would be a fun job working at Spencer's Gifts and just meeting all the people who are pitching the shit.
00:27:51.000 And you're like, no.
00:27:54.000 Well, that one I actually got at a sock store.
00:27:57.000 Oh, a sock store.
00:27:58.000 It's a store.
00:27:59.000 You sound like someone who gets beaten every time they pronounce the word sock store wrong.
00:28:03.000 And you're like sweating and you go, I actually got that at a sock store.
00:28:09.000 No one's going to hurt you.
00:28:10.000 It's like.
00:28:11.000 The teacher telling me to enunciate what she's got a ruler. 0.99
00:28:13.000 She's going to slap me. 1.00
00:28:14.000 You know what's funny about this, Ron?
00:28:15.000 Bourbon socks.
00:28:16.000 Yeah.
00:28:17.000 Because I brought the ice maker home because they were renovating our kitchen, we didn't have an add ice in the studio.
00:28:23.000 So I've been having bourbon neat, and through repetition, I'm becoming a bourbon neat nigga. 0.76
00:28:28.000 It's so good.
00:28:30.000 You get more of it.
00:28:32.000 Like you get more of the vibe with neat.
00:28:35.000 I understand why they call us rockers.
00:28:38.000 And I'm an ex-rocker now, pussies. 0.99
00:28:41.000 They're renovating our kitchen, and the guy, the contractor, he goes, can I ask you something?
00:28:45.000 He says to my wife, this is how contractors talk to women, too. 1.00
00:28:49.000 If you were a light, where would you be here?
00:28:52.000 Be here?
00:28:52.000 And so I just came in because I hadn't left for work yet.
00:28:54.000 And I'm like, if I was a light, I'd be going through this intense existential crisis where I had a consciousness, but I couldn't communicate.
00:29:04.000 So I would try, maybe I'd flicker every time they said the word light.
00:29:07.000 That would be a start, you know?
00:29:09.000 But if that didn't work, like I couldn't convey my existence, I would want to kill myself.
00:29:15.000 I don't know what I'm doing.
00:29:16.000 I can't even swing.
00:29:17.000 I'd want to electrocute myself, but then they just fix me.
00:29:21.000 So I think it would be worse than hell to be a light and to exist and have intelligence, but be unable to convey your existence to anyone, be unable to relate to anyone, be unable to communicate.
00:29:33.000 And he goes, he goes, I just want to know where to put the light.
00:29:38.000 Fuck.
00:29:39.000 What a waste of a great joke.
00:29:40.000 I thought it was a pretty good joke.
00:29:42.000 And I brought it up with my kids, and then my kids reminded me of this horrific nightmare of a book that was my in-laws own it, and they used to read it to my wife, and then they read it to the kids.
00:29:55.000 You ever heard of this book where there's a fucking donkey, and he becomes a rock?
00:30:03.000 Do you know what I'm talking about?
00:30:04.000 No.
00:30:05.000 Looking it up.
00:30:06.000 Oh, Sylvester and the Magic Pebbles?
00:30:08.000 Sylvester and the Magic Pebbles.
00:30:09.000 So it's a donkey walking along, mining his own beeswax, and then he accidentally makes a wish, like, could I be a rock? 0.89
00:30:17.000 I forget exactly how it goes.
00:30:19.000 He becomes a rock for like 11 years.
00:30:22.000 Terrible.
00:30:23.000 And his parents are bawling their eyes out because their son disappeared.
00:30:27.000 And then I think maybe, I don't know, 11, 12 years into it, his dad's sitting on the rock and he's crying and he wishes his son would come back.
00:30:34.000 But because he's touching the rock, the son comes out of the rock.
00:30:37.000 Dude, you should have done that.
00:30:39.000 Oh, he didn't know he was the rock.
00:30:41.000 He didn't know he was in the rock.
00:30:43.000 Sylvester and the Magic Pebble, one of the darkest pieces of literature.
00:30:47.000 It really is.
00:30:48.000 When people ask me the scariest horror movie, I say, can I include children's books?
00:30:53.000 Because that book is a fucking...
00:30:57.000 Don't smoke weed and read it.
00:30:59.000 If someone has eaten shrooms or tried acid, get them the fuck away from that book.
00:31:04.000 You know what stinks about being a light bulb?
00:31:07.000 What?
00:31:08.000 It takes seven blondes to change you. 1.00
00:31:13.000 Oh, it's Coco Diaz.
00:31:15.000 It's Joey Coco Diaz, M-F-A.
00:31:18.000 Oh, hey, how you doing?
00:31:19.000 Dude, I'm doing pretty good.
00:31:21.000 I don't celebrate Christmas usually.
00:31:23.000 I celebrate Hanukkah.
00:31:25.000 Because, dude, they got these blue stars of David that mess you up.
00:31:29.000 Oh, you like Viagra?
00:31:30.000 Is that what you're talking about?
00:31:35.000 Okay.
00:31:35.000 That's a little something for you.
00:31:36.000 I got to admit, I'm a little uncomfortable, Coco, because you did threaten me after I mocked Ralphie Mae for ODing, even though he has kids and choosing opioids over his kids.
00:31:44.000 That was back when I was a tough guy.
00:31:46.000 You know, now I'm talk about Bruce Lee, talk about Bruce Stars of death and Taekwondo.
00:31:55.000 Happy Christmas.
00:31:56.000 Yeah.
00:31:57.000 I'm not a fan of you, Coco.
00:31:59.000 Your whole New York thing.
00:32:00.000 New Yorkers in LA got on my nerves.
00:32:02.000 I'm from New York.
00:32:04.000 I'm a tough guy.
00:32:06.000 I'm a wise guy.
00:32:08.000 It probably works on Californians. 0.99
00:32:10.000 They hear the Bronx accent, and the only time they've heard that is in movies, so they go, you're going to get me whacked.
00:32:17.000 Next.
00:32:17.000 Bye, Coco.
00:32:18.000 Bye.
00:32:19.000 Next, we have England.
00:32:23.000 It's the guy from It's a Small World.
00:32:25.000 The price is on it, $10.
00:32:27.000 Yeah.
00:32:28.000 These are $10.
00:32:30.000 I hope you're taking this out of your own salary and not the company.
00:32:35.000 Oops.
00:32:39.000 So before you unbox that one, it was a buy one get two.
00:32:47.000 I don't like these things.
00:32:49.000 I know you don't.
00:32:50.000 It makes me think of fat guys with no life who have like a shelf or the various figurines.
00:32:57.000 Which I guess I had, which I guess is behind me right now.
00:33:01.000 So I felt like England was at least relevant to you because like, oh, great.
00:33:04.000 Trummer McNugget isn't on McDonald's.
00:33:06.000 I feel like you're not putting any thought into these.
00:33:08.000 No, it was buy one, get two.
00:33:09.000 And these were the only options.
00:33:11.000 And this is Mrs. Scarlett.
00:33:12.000 Carlos Peacock.
00:33:14.000 Mrs. Peacock.
00:33:15.000 From Clue.
00:33:17.000 Oh, man, Ryan.
00:33:18.000 Yeah, no, those are just...
00:33:19.000 These are literally throwaway.
00:33:21.000 I can't even re-gift them.
00:33:22.000 I debated nothing.
00:33:23.000 I don't want them, and you know who else doesn't want them?
00:33:25.000 Everyone.
00:33:26.000 In a way, they kind of show the unity of Christmas.
00:33:29.000 Everyone agrees that this is a shitty present, and they don't want it in their house.
00:33:33.000 But the one from England, man, is pretty cool because you came from England.
00:33:36.000 Not the Lord.
00:33:38.000 Wales.
00:33:39.000 No, I didn't come from Wales, my pet Joe.
00:33:42.000 England.
00:33:43.000 England's a great country, man.
00:33:45.000 They got Dublin out there.
00:33:47.000 I mean, it's nuts, man.
00:33:49.000 So this is it for presents?
00:33:51.000 Actually, man, I got a couple more presents.
00:33:53.000 Not presents.
00:33:54.000 I'll just give them to you.
00:33:57.000 Simply the President of the United States got me stuff.
00:34:02.000 What a sweetie. 1.00
00:34:05.000 So this is in a bag.
00:34:15.000 From the container store, it looks like it's a misdirect.
00:34:19.000 Oh my stars.
00:34:20.000 Look at this.
00:34:20.000 Budweiser socks from the Malbone collection.
00:34:24.000 Now, Malbone is a designer who did this Budweiser golf line.
00:34:30.000 And it looks like that Ryan has found the keys to my heart and got the entire line.
00:34:39.000 The entire line.
00:34:41.000 Find your line.
00:34:42.000 Now, what do we think about this?
00:34:43.000 Budweiser sweatpants.
00:34:45.000 Look at this.
00:34:46.000 I can be a zip.
00:34:47.000 Yes.
00:34:48.000 I can be a WAP.
00:34:49.000 And they have pockets, too.
00:34:50.000 I made sure they had pockets.
00:34:51.000 You sure did.
00:34:52.000 There were some without.
00:34:53.000 And look at this.
00:34:56.000 Budweiser.
00:34:57.000 A sweater.
00:34:58.000 Sweatshirt.
00:35:00.000 That.
00:35:00.000 Now that's a good gift.
00:35:02.000 That's what I'm talking about.
00:35:03.000 Now I'm impressed.
00:35:04.000 Yep.
00:35:04.000 Ooh, it's hot in here.
00:35:06.000 There's a fire behind you.
00:35:09.000 Okay.
00:35:10.000 I got one more, and I guess I could do maybe a drum roll.
00:35:15.000 Because this one is kind of a big...
00:35:17.000 It's doozy, is it?
00:35:18.000 Drum roll.
00:35:19.000 Sound effects.
00:35:20.000 This is what Christmas is really about.
00:35:22.000 Looking at your presents, ordering them from good to bad.
00:35:26.000 Obviously, Mrs. Peacock being the worst. 1.00
00:35:30.000 And so far, the Budweiser track suit is the winner.
00:35:36.000 Oh, I thought that was you with Burt Keeling.
00:36:13.000 Oh, doesn't it end with a ping?
00:36:18.000 Okay, we've got a very large box here.
00:36:22.000 I've got to get my Arizona toothpick out and open this poppy up. 0.93
00:36:31.000 How much was this, Ryan?
00:36:33.000 I don't want to disclose.
00:36:35.000 This one did come out of pocket.
00:36:38.000 None of these are from Santa.
00:36:39.000 These are all from you?
00:36:40.000 Oh, no, they're all from, well, in my family, we do Santa Ryan, Santa Nana.
00:36:45.000 So we write Santa's name and then we write the person.
00:36:49.000 I saw that as a meme.
00:36:50.000 They go, Santa Denaya.
00:36:53.000 And Ben Shapiro goes, Santa brought me presents.
00:36:56.000 And the Santa Denay goes, where is that written?
00:36:58.000 And then Ben Shapiro goes, on the present.
00:37:01.000 It says, from Santa.
00:37:03.000 Whoa.
00:37:06.000 This is a doozy.
00:37:09.000 Oh my God.
00:37:13.000 It is the Malbone Budweiser correct.
00:37:17.000 Look at this thing.
00:37:19.000 Holy Tolede.
00:37:22.000 Ho, ho, holy Taleed. 0.65
00:37:25.000 This is, this might be the second greatest present I ever received after that baby monster got the bag from the 80s.
00:37:32.000 You know what's amazing about this?
00:37:33.000 The bag from the 80s is pretty heavy.
00:37:35.000 This feels really light.
00:37:38.000 Oh, that's the cover for the rainy day.
00:37:40.000 Look at this.
00:37:42.000 Folks.
00:37:43.000 Wow.
00:37:45.000 Today's episode is brought to you by Amheiser-Busch, Budweiser, the king of beers.
00:37:50.000 This weighs nothing.
00:37:51.000 This weighs like, I don't know, five pounds.
00:37:55.000 Does somebody say holy Tlaib? 0.94
00:37:59.000 This is pretty...
00:38:00.000 Oh, Tlaib Starks is here.
00:38:02.000 Ha.
00:38:02.000 What's up, Tlaib?
00:38:03.000 I heard you say holy Tlaib, and I said, that's my cute. 0.88
00:38:08.000 I think I said holy Toledo.
00:38:10.000 Oh.
00:38:10.000 All right.
00:38:11.000 Bye.
00:38:14.000 All right.
00:38:14.000 That's pretty good.
00:38:16.000 I'm pretty impressed.
00:38:18.000 Yeah.
00:38:18.000 Besides the pops, this was a pretty good Christmas haul.
00:38:23.000 I guess let's get your present now.
00:38:26.000 Yep.
00:38:26.000 I could.
00:38:27.000 All right.
00:38:28.000 I'm going to go into my office.
00:38:29.000 I'll follow you.
00:38:31.000 Follow me to my office.
00:38:33.000 I'm going to my office now.
00:38:35.000 Wait, hold on.
00:38:37.000 Oh, wait.
00:38:38.000 Okay.
00:38:39.000 Now we've got the button.
00:38:51.000 Ready to do the wall?
00:39:01.000 Budweiser stools you already have.
00:39:10.000 now that I have a Budweiser bag, golf bag, you just got yourself a Budweiser golf bag.
00:39:16.000 I don't really go already.
00:39:19.000 But that's nice of me to get you one that allows you to drift one.
00:39:28.000 So there's a variety of ideas here.
00:39:34.000 There it is.
00:39:37.000 Are you a finger skate park guy?
00:39:39.000 Maybe about 20 years ago.
00:39:40.000 Okay.
00:39:42.000 I know you like Mario Kart.
00:39:45.000 And like this.
00:39:46.000 I have that one.
00:39:48.000 That one I don't have, but I'm not interested, if no offense.
00:39:51.000 What about this?
00:39:51.000 We know you love golf.
00:39:53.000 Yeah, like I said, not into that game, but.
00:39:58.000 You are a chink. 1.00
00:39:59.000 Well, yes, that's true.
00:40:00.000 But I don't even know what this is.
00:40:02.000 I already have that because when we're done filming that, they gave us all one.
00:40:07.000 Oh, maybe it's what they're wearing?
00:40:10.000 I don't know what this is.
00:40:13.000 These are some ideas I had my assistant switch by.
00:40:16.000 And I thought, rather than wasting everyone's time, I'll see if you like them.
00:40:20.000 Holy shit, this broke.
00:40:22.000 Oh, look, I guess that wouldn't be appropriate to give me a broken gift.
00:40:30.000 And you don't.
00:40:31.000 And scoot no. 1.00
00:40:32.000 It hit my shin one time when I was trying to do a spinner route, and I could never get over it.
00:40:40.000 What about the peacemaker?
00:40:44.000 That's kind of cool.
00:40:47.000 Yeah, it zaps you.
00:40:49.000 Oh, I have one that has 98 million volts.
00:40:53.000 Oh.
00:40:54.000 That'd be kind of a downgrade.
00:40:55.000 Doesn't that kill someone?
00:40:57.000 97 million volts?
00:40:59.000 Like, isn't 110 volts really bad?
00:41:04.000 Okay.
00:41:05.000 Iron Gym.
00:41:07.000 Total upper body.
00:41:08.000 You're into upper body workouts?
00:41:10.000 Yeah, but I do go to the gym.
00:41:12.000 What about this?
00:41:13.000 A vintage Gucci suitcase.
00:41:16.000 That's not so bad.
00:41:18.000 Is that what you wanted to give me, though?
00:41:20.000 Yes.
00:41:21.000 Are you looking for something specific?
00:41:24.000 Because it looks like you're kind of meandering.
00:41:26.000 Hashtag January 6th.
00:41:30.000 I can't find it.
00:41:31.000 That's the issue.
00:41:32.000 Which is seven days away.
00:41:37.000 What about a putting machine?
00:41:39.000 Look at this.
00:41:40.000 Let me just show you how this works.
00:41:41.000 So you're telling me I could take this home?
00:41:43.000 Yes, it's yours.
00:41:46.000 Or maybe it's best if it was mine to just keep it here.
00:41:48.000 I misplaced your present, to be totally frank.
00:41:51.000 It was in a brown box.
00:41:52.000 Okay, well maybe we should get to finding instead of putting.
00:41:56.000 I don't want to be selfish, but this is the season to not do this.
00:42:03.000 Poop! 0.97
00:42:04.000 Okay.
00:42:05.000 Water trap.
00:42:06.000 Yep.
00:42:07.000 Okay, let's...
00:42:09.000 One key is you have to envision it happening.
00:42:12.000 So let's see this happening.
00:42:15.000 Okay, let's...
00:42:17.000 Maybe one more and then...
00:42:20.000 Everything happens in threes.
00:42:22.000 This isn't my usual putter, by the way.
00:42:25.000 You're slicing it.
00:42:27.000 For fuck's sakes.
00:42:30.000 It's an unforgiving sport, isn't it?
00:42:34.000 It's an unforgiving holiday if I don't get at least a little something here.
00:42:40.000 You're going to get a present.
00:42:42.000 Okay, it doesn't look as such.
00:42:47.000 Isn't it cool after you've opened your presents and there's like presents everywhere?
00:42:51.000 You feel like a daddy warbucks?
00:42:54.000 Wouldn't know.
00:42:59.000 Um.
00:43:03.000 It's alright.
00:43:03.000 Um, just uh next year, before my birthday comes up in April, let me text.
00:43:19.000 Not the one who's so far away when I feel the snake parting to my bird.
00:43:28.000 That's Mac?
00:43:31.000 It's alright.
00:43:32.000 Don't worry about it.
00:43:32.000 No, it's not all right, Ryan.
00:43:35.000 I got you something amazing.
00:43:39.000 Oh, I know where it might be.
00:43:45.000 Thank you guys for tuning in to the annual Secret Santa Censore TV.
00:44:04.000 Thank you everybody for tuning in and I hope you have nice gifts and you have a nice fun time.
00:44:16.000 And hopefully we've given you joy.
00:44:20.000 And maybe, you know, confirm what you have coming to you for Christmas before you get stuff for other people.
00:44:29.000 Not always, but if you kind of sussed out that somebody maybe doesn't care about you as much, then just go a little lighter on the gifts, I'd say.
00:44:43.000 And the people who you know will probably give you gifts instead of looking around their office trying to find one that's probably intended for somebody else.
00:44:51.000 So two people will be upset because one person gets a gift that wasn't meant for them and the other person gets a gift that was meant for them, not given to them.
00:45:00.000 So don't do that.
00:45:05.000 Censored.tv.
00:45:09.000 Christmas.
00:45:17.000 I was waiting for Gavin to send it off so we can hear some inspiring words of courageousness and inspiredness.
00:45:31.000 Might just be using the bathroom.
00:45:33.000 So we wait.
00:45:47.000 Uh oh, what?
00:45:50.000 Bad news.
00:45:51.000 What?
00:45:54.000 Oh! 0.60
00:45:54.000 I found it. 0.60
00:45:56.000 That looks hobbled together, but okay.
00:46:00.000 So Merry Christmas.
00:46:02.000 Alright.
00:46:04.000 Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.
00:46:08.000 Do you want to open it there?
00:46:12.000 Do you want my Arizona toothpick?
00:46:16.000 Do you want this to open it?
00:46:17.000 I'll give it to you.
00:46:18.000 You can have this to open it.
00:46:20.000 Take it.
00:46:20.000 Jesus Christ.
00:46:22.000 Stop blaspheming Jesus Christ on his birthday.
00:46:24.000 You almost killed one of his creations.
00:46:27.000 Me.
00:46:28.000 Jesus made you?
00:46:30.000 Yes.
00:46:31.000 Not sure that's exactly how it goes, but okay.
00:46:34.000 So this looks hobbled together, but I'll just cut right through that bow.
00:46:39.000 Nope, that's not how things work in the world.
00:46:43.000 Now you have a hole where the bow was.
00:46:49.000 This is not a practical knife.
00:46:51.000 This is a sword.
00:46:53.000 I know, I left all my knives at home.
00:46:57.000 Or as they say in the hood, I left all my knives at home.
00:47:00.000 I think I could get it open.
00:47:02.000 Well, here, let's do the horizontal.
00:47:08.000 Alright.
00:47:09.000 Here's this gift.
00:47:11.000 Ooh.
00:47:12.000 Sounds like the box is too big.
00:47:15.000 Oh.
00:47:16.000 Is that real?
00:47:17.000 It's real.
00:47:19.000 No way.
00:47:20.000 But is this like a gag or I keep it?
00:47:22.000 That's yours to keep.
00:47:23.000 Now, this is from me, but it's also from censored TV.
00:47:27.000 This is your Christmas bonus.
00:47:29.000 This is everything.
00:47:31.000 And that's for you and the family.
00:47:32.000 So you were...
00:47:33.000 Wow.
00:47:34.000 Thank you.
00:47:36.000 I thought you were like, you literally didn't get me anything.
00:47:39.000 Oh, my God.
00:47:39.000 That's the Misdirect.
00:47:41.000 That is nice.
00:47:42.000 I'm going to hug you.
00:47:44.000 Thanks for watching.
00:47:46.000 You're a great work.
00:47:47.000 Appreciate you.
00:47:49.000 You're a good boy.
00:47:50.000 We joke around.
00:47:52.000 You quit.
00:47:53.000 You're fired.
00:47:54.000 We have our ups and downs.
00:47:57.000 Our highs and lows.
00:47:58.000 We have our highs and lows.
00:48:00.000 You give me your heart, and you can take my word.
00:48:05.000 Dude, that is so cool.
00:48:08.000 Just the kind of guy I am.
00:48:10.000 Amazing.
00:48:10.000 Amazing.
00:48:11.000 Amazing.
00:48:12.000 I really thought you got me like nothing because that was what it was looking like.
00:48:17.000 Dang.
00:48:18.000 Okay.
00:48:20.000 Merry Christmas.
00:48:21.000 Pretty cool, huh?
00:48:22.000 Yes.
00:48:23.000 Pretty exciting.
00:48:24.000 Amazing.
00:48:25.000 All right, folks.
00:48:26.000 That's our Christmas episode.
00:48:27.000 Merry Christmas, Ryan.
00:48:29.000 Merry Christmas to you all.
00:48:31.000 Enjoy yourselves.
00:48:31.000 Enjoy your families.
00:48:32.000 Let's relax and enjoy ourselves.
00:48:35.000 Christmas is about everything that everyone says it's about.
00:48:38.000 It's about the commercialization.
00:48:40.000 It's about the birth of Jesus.
00:48:41.000 It's about the family getting together.
00:48:42.000 It's all the same kit and caboodle.
00:48:45.000 The only important thing about it is that you enjoy it all and have a good time.
00:48:51.000 Cheers, guys.
00:48:52.000 See you on Monday.