Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - December 29, 2021


S04E69 - MERITOCRACY IN COMEDY


Episode Stats


Length

1 hour and 10 minutes

Words per minute

145.03658

Word count

10,242

Sentence count

1,215

Harmful content

Misogyny

59

sentences flagged

Hate speech

77

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

Rapper Aesop Rock joins Jemele to talk about hip-hop and his love of the late 90s and early 2000s. The guys also talk about the new Disney movie and what it's like to be a dad to a baby in Disneyland.

Transcript

Transcripts from "Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes" are sourced from the Knowledge Fight Interactive Search Tool. Explore them interactively here.
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
00:00:32.000 Nine weeks old, some hides in a flipper.
00:00:35.000 Look in her eye like she might feel with a gold mana.
00:00:44.000 That's old Aesop Rock.
00:00:47.000 It's probably my age.
00:00:50.000 Back in the late 90s, there was some rappers, big with vice.
00:00:58.000 There was L.P., who's now in that band with the guy, Rock the Vines.
00:01:06.000 What's that called?
00:01:07.000 With the things with the hands.
00:01:10.000 Oh, Run the Jewels. 0.99
00:01:11.000 Run the Jewels. 0.56
00:01:12.000 Enrique Tario's really into them.
00:01:15.000 But he used to have a record label called Def Jucks, and Aesop Rock was on it.
00:01:22.000 I don't like the Bachelor.
00:01:23.000 He's in Portland.
00:01:24.000 Aesop Rock was a New Yorker, though, a Long Island kid, Polak or something. 1.00
00:01:30.000 He looks Chinese.
00:01:33.000 But we had a baby monster send that in. 1.00
00:01:36.000 I thought it was an interesting point.
00:01:37.000 Like, this whole thing with black people not thinking of new names. 1.00
00:01:48.000 Like, Steve McQueen stole his name from Steve McQueen, and the black director should call himself Stephen McQueen. 1.00
00:01:55.000 And Nick Cave is a black visual artist who, if his name actually is Nick Cave, he should change his name to Nicholas Cave, because there is a Nick Cave.
00:02:06.000 And then Aesop Rocky.
00:02:08.000 Like, Aesop Rock was around in the mid-90s.
00:02:13.000 He was a character in a movie called Aesop, and then he just added rock because it rhymed better.
00:02:18.000 And then Aesop Rocky comes along.
00:02:19.000 He changes it from Aesop to Aesop, and then adds a Y. That bothers me.
00:02:25.000 Unless you're in a cover band.
00:02:28.000 Anyway, here they are meeting.
00:02:29.000 I sent you this in a separate email.
00:02:30.000 Can you get me that printout?
00:02:34.000 Awesome.
00:02:35.000 Hip-hop moment.
00:02:38.000 Brother Ali, where's your friend go?
00:02:40.000 Brother Ali, the albino.
00:02:42.000 He's got to be the only albino rapper in the world, right?
00:02:45.000 ASAP Rocky.
00:02:48.000 ASAP Rock.
00:02:53.000 This is what's up, y'all.
00:02:59.000 No, I just wanted to get busy.
00:03:02.000 He's my age, ASAP Rocky.
00:03:07.000 The original.
00:03:08.000 ASAP Rocky, the original we have, man.
00:03:10.000 Thank you, Brother Ali.
00:03:12.000 A hip-hop moment created by you, sir.
00:03:14.000 Thank you, Rosenberg.
00:03:16.000 Of course.
00:03:17.000 Who is Brother Ali again? 0.85
00:03:19.000 Pull him up.
00:03:21.000 Is he a super serious scientific rapper?
00:03:24.000 Everyone was so serious about rap back then.
00:03:27.000 It's okay.
00:03:28.000 It was weird.
00:03:32.000 Greetings to all of you in the language of love, the universal language.
00:03:37.000 Beauty is the splendor of truth.
00:04:10.000 I wasted a lot of time listening to rap.
00:04:12.000 It's so gay. 1.00
00:04:15.000 So stupid.
00:04:16.000 It's like it's a musical art form based on your command of the English language, and people who do it don't read.
00:04:26.000 Isn't that weird?
00:04:28.000 That's like a sport, like soccer, but the people who play it don't run and are not in good shape.
00:04:38.000 This is Wednesday.
00:04:39.000 Usually we do compound censored, but again, it's leftovers week.
00:04:43.000 We're taking it easy with the family, celebrating the birth of Santa Claus, which is every December 25th.
00:04:51.000 We also celebrated Kwanzaa and Hanukkah, we celebrated a long time ago.
00:04:54.000 That was in November.
00:04:56.000 But I keep the Christmas lights up well into the new year.
00:05:00.000 What do you think of that?
00:05:01.000 Brilliant.
00:05:02.000 Brilliant.
00:05:03.000 That's a funny take.
00:05:07.000 Your wife was asking me what days you get off in the summer.
00:05:11.000 Oh.
00:05:11.000 Yeah, she wants to go to Disney.
00:05:13.000 I don't know what days we get off.
00:05:14.000 Disneyland?
00:05:15.000 Yeah.
00:05:16.000 With a little baby.
00:05:18.000 That doesn't make any sense.
00:05:20.000 Why?
00:05:21.000 Well, they have no memory.
00:05:23.000 Oh, it's not about that.
00:05:25.000 I mean, they have fun in the moment.
00:05:26.000 No, they don't.
00:05:29.000 Whatever.
00:05:29.000 Why would your baby have fun in Disneyland?
00:05:31.000 She'd have as much fun in a parking lot. 0.99
00:05:35.000 We want to go to Disney.
00:05:37.000 So, who holds the baby when you go on the rides?
00:05:40.000 We could all turn it.
00:05:41.000 I'll probably hold the baby.
00:05:42.000 I mean, it's really for her because I got to go to Disney with my buddy.
00:05:46.000 And she didn't.
00:05:46.000 I remember making fun of you for that.
00:05:48.000 That's right.
00:05:50.000 That was gay, but at least that was too. 1.00
00:05:52.000 And you didn't get wasted or anything for that, right?
00:05:54.000 No, I didn't.
00:05:55.000 I was basically a sober person, but then, like, the resort, I hung out at the bar, made friends.
00:06:01.000 I had like a little community of buddies that we would just hang out.
00:06:04.000 They were all MAGA.
00:06:05.000 I went there with my MAGA hat, and then as soon as I did the Trump oppression, it was like everybody's favorite guy.
00:06:10.000 We were fucking just hanging out.
00:06:12.000 And were they your age?
00:06:13.000 I almost fought a DJ.
00:06:16.000 Yeah, they were my age, a little older.
00:06:17.000 Then there was a little group, Apache kids that were like relatives of the ones my age.
00:06:23.000 They were a little younger, but they were still able to drink.
00:06:25.000 Still drinking age, but like college-y kids.
00:06:28.000 Were any of them there with kids?
00:06:32.000 Maybe, but they weren't there.
00:06:33.000 This was like late, like 11 and on.
00:06:35.000 So maybe they were in the.
00:06:36.000 I mean, I don't mind if dads take dirt.
00:06:38.000 I don't know, let's say six, seven, eight-year-olds there.
00:06:41.000 Right.
00:06:42.000 And then they want to get a drink later.
00:06:45.000 I don't approve of adults going there.
00:06:47.000 In fact, that kind of started the Proud Boys because Ben Ratner went to Disneyland and fucked zero amounts of pussy, even though he went with girls.
00:06:57.000 That's weird.
00:06:58.000 Yeah, it's a Magic Kingdom.
00:07:00.000 Why are you grabbing orange juice in the middle of a conversation?
00:07:06.000 What happened?
00:07:07.000 Did you hork something up?
00:07:08.000 My throat's been a little weird.
00:07:11.000 Maybe you got the Omni.
00:07:12.000 Maybe you have OmniCrom.
00:07:14.000 You feel like you have a little hair of ham.
00:07:16.000 That's right.
00:07:17.000 Everything else is, I feel fine, and I have a little diarrhea.
00:07:21.000 Does your diarrhea smell like steel?
00:07:24.000 I don't know.
00:07:26.000 I had diarrhea too.
00:07:27.000 It didn't smell like poo, though.
00:07:28.000 It just smelled like cobalt or something from the periodic table of the elements.
00:07:32.000 A tungsten, maybe.
00:07:33.000 A tungsten.
00:07:34.000 Yeah, shit.
00:07:34.000 I don't know.
00:07:35.000 Yeah.
00:07:36.000 No, I haven't had that.
00:07:38.000 It smells like Freddy Mercury, like AIDS and Talent.
00:07:41.000 But that's the name of the episode, AIDS and Talent.
00:07:44.000 That should be the name of the Queen movie. 0.98
00:07:47.000 That would be so ballsy if they did that. 0.93
00:07:50.000 Yeah.
00:07:51.000 But I almost thought it.
00:07:52.000 I didn't ever tell you that?
00:07:53.000 No.
00:07:54.000 There was a DJ there.
00:07:55.000 It was a Puerto Rican guy.
00:07:56.000 I know a Puerto Rican from a mile away.
00:07:58.000 Tacky hat, you know, like...
00:08:00.000 Like a fedora thing?
00:08:02.000 No, it's like a...
00:08:03.000 I don't want to say it was bedazzled or bejeweled, but it was like a loud hat crisp with the fucking thing on it.
00:08:09.000 So like a black guy's hat, but on a wedding. 0.86
00:08:11.000 By the way, hat.
00:08:12.000 That could be a sombrero, a fedora, a beanie.
00:08:14.000 Baseball cap.
00:08:15.000 Ah, okay.
00:08:16.000 Like a Bronxy type hat. 0.98
00:08:17.000 A bedazzled baseball cap.
00:08:19.000 He's like a Bronx. 1.00
00:08:20.000 He's an affliction baseball hat.
00:08:21.000 Basically.
00:08:22.000 Wings and shit.
00:08:23.000 Basically.
00:08:24.000 And so, you know, like leather jacket.
00:08:26.000 That's the kind of thing your Puerto Rican grandma gets you because she appreciates the craftsmanship.
00:08:31.000 And she's like, look at this.
00:08:31.000 He's like, oh, there's so many steep.
00:08:33.000 He's very hard to do these kind of stitching.
00:08:34.000 Yeah, yeah.
00:08:35.000 So he was the whole night we would, like the bartender and us, we would be like, hey, put on this country song.
00:08:41.000 Put on this country song.
00:08:43.000 That was like our first two nights.
00:08:44.000 And then the third night, this Puerto Rican guy's there.
00:08:47.000 He hijacks the auxiliary chord.
00:08:50.000 So he's just playing stuff.
00:08:51.000 And it's all hip-hop.
00:08:52.000 It's like in the club.
00:08:53.000 It's like, you know, early aughts hip-hop.
00:08:56.000 And we go up and be like, dude, can you play fucking this song? 0.88
00:08:59.000 It's pretty good.
00:09:00.000 And it's like in the vein of hip-hop still.
00:09:02.000 And he's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, sure.
00:09:04.000 I'll play that.
00:09:05.000 And I was like, okay, so this guy's a DJ.
00:09:07.000 Wait, there's a DJ, and then there's this guy who stole the ox.
00:09:11.000 There is no DJ.
00:09:12.000 There was a bartender that we would request songs to, but the third night, there's just a guy.
00:09:17.000 We thought he was a DJ.
00:09:18.000 Just a guy who borrowed the auxiliary cord to DJ for us.
00:09:22.000 But we had like a family there.
00:09:24.000 That's like at my gym where this dude puts on his own trap music.
00:09:28.000 It's him rapping.
00:09:30.000 Like, what are you doing?
00:09:31.000 And so I even, we were playing along with...
00:09:33.000 Alright, he's the DJ for the night.
00:09:36.000 It's just a guy with a fucking cord.
00:09:39.000 And he doesn't play anybody's requests.
00:09:41.000 I was like, yeah, I requested this thing a while ago.
00:09:43.000 He was like, dude, I requested a fucking thing a while ago, too. 0.90
00:09:45.000 I was like, I'm going to go up and talk to him.
00:09:46.000 I'm drunk.
00:09:48.000 You know, and this is pretty rare.
00:09:50.000 And I go up to him.
00:09:50.000 I'm like, dude, I asked you to play a song.
00:09:53.000 These people are saying they wanted you to play.
00:09:55.000 The past two nights, we've just been like partying here.
00:09:58.000 And then you come here, change the vibe, and you like completely Bogart this auxiliary chord.
00:10:02.000 Can you just play our songs?
00:10:04.000 And he's like, you know what?
00:10:05.000 You know what?
00:10:05.000 I'll just leave.
00:10:06.000 Just a little bit of confrontation.
00:10:08.000 He's like, I'll just leave.
00:10:09.000 I'll take my iPad with me.
00:10:11.000 Like, nobody gives a fuck about your iPad.
00:10:13.000 Take your ball home.
00:10:13.000 Good.
00:10:14.000 Yeah.
00:10:15.000 And nice threat, by the way.
00:10:18.000 Oh, I'm getting your nerves, and you don't get any more of me.
00:10:20.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:10:22.000 Oh, you don't like the smell of my fart?
00:10:23.000 Okay, then I'm not farting anymore.
00:10:26.000 He was doing a thing where, like, he was telling on me kind of, he was like, this guy wants me to go, so I guess I'll go.
00:10:32.000 Please stay.
00:10:34.000 Please stay.
00:10:35.000 Please stay.
00:10:36.000 Yeah.
00:10:37.000 That's not a very good chant.
00:10:38.000 The guy was.
00:10:39.000 Yeah.
00:10:40.000 Hell, no, do not go.
00:10:42.000 Hell, no, do not go.
00:10:44.000 Fuck Ryan.
00:10:45.000 He's a dick.
00:10:46.000 Yeah, yeah, basically.
00:10:47.000 That's what he did.
00:10:48.000 So then what happened?
00:10:49.000 He left, but, you know, we were like, oh, now you're going to like Steve.
00:10:53.000 I was like, dude.
00:10:54.000 Well, no, I was getting aggressive.
00:10:56.000 But here's the thing, because he did something to me that was like, he punked me out in some sort of way.
00:11:00.000 Like, yeah, I'll play you shit.
00:11:02.000 Something tough guy, right?
00:11:03.000 And then I just, like, was waiting for a bit.
00:11:06.000 And then everybody, then that's when I learned everybody had had their request shot down.
00:11:11.000 So I was like, I'm going to go talk to him.
00:11:12.000 And I went there with the aggression of this guy already tried to punk me out.
00:11:15.000 And then immediately he was like, I'll just leave.
00:11:18.000 What was he doing?
00:11:19.000 Was he sitting talking to his date or anything?
00:11:21.000 Dude, he was alone.
00:11:23.000 Alone?
00:11:24.000 Dressed up like for the club, basically.
00:11:26.000 He had like a nice leather jacket thing on, the fucking hat, like all trimmed up, Puerto Rican-faced. 1.00
00:11:32.000 Just sitting in the corner, not talking to anybody.
00:11:35.000 Did he have a drink?
00:11:37.000 I think he had a drink.
00:11:38.000 How much were the drinks?
00:11:39.000 Were they really expensive?
00:11:40.000 No, they would hook us up like a lot.
00:11:43.000 Like these guys behind the bar.
00:11:45.000 Really cool.
00:11:45.000 And that's the thing.
00:11:46.000 He like ruined the whole...
00:11:48.000 It was just country music and now he's playing shit loud and it's just up in the club by 50 cents.
00:11:53.000 Just like horseshit throwback music.
00:11:57.000 You know I had to do it to him.
00:11:59.000 We got to make sure that heating doesn't come on again.
00:12:01.000 There's no way it's not totally dominating my microphone.
00:12:04.000 It sounds ridiculous.
00:12:05.000 And it's not like it's AC and we're going to die without it.
00:12:11.000 All right.
00:12:12.000 Day three of the leftovs.
00:12:14.000 I hope you're organizing these correctly too.
00:12:17.000 Because I keep talking about, you know, yesterday and everything.
00:12:23.000 I think we should just start the show.
00:12:25.000 We had that intro.
00:12:27.000 That made me hate you less, actually.
00:12:29.000 I guess I don't mind if you're partying and then you're going on rides and stuff.
00:12:34.000 Yeah.
00:12:34.000 If you're drunk, that's just like water skiing.
00:12:38.000 And I paid homage to my great-grandfather, who was the guy who took me to, him and my nana, took me to Disney, and I dressed like him.
00:12:46.000 Nana?
00:12:47.000 My nana and grandpa.
00:12:48.000 My great-grandparents.
00:12:49.000 They took me to...
00:12:50.000 You wore one of those Filipino shirts with the stripes?
00:12:53.000 No, he's a Greek guy that married a Puerto Rican woman, so he wore nice combed hair and a Nice vacation button-up and slacks and loafers.
00:13:04.000 Okay, you got to learn how to describe things.
00:13:06.000 This is the problem with not reading.
00:13:08.000 He had on a hat, he had on like a nice shirt.
00:13:14.000 What is it short-sleeved?
00:13:15.000 He dressed like a gentleman, like a 1950s guy, like where they were.
00:13:17.000 Is that a short-sleeve dress shirt?
00:13:19.000 Business casual.
00:13:20.000 Yeah, short sleeve dress.
00:13:21.000 That's way too general.
00:13:22.000 A short-sleeved dress shirt.
00:13:23.000 Was it just white?
00:13:24.000 Like a normal white?
00:13:25.000 Like baby blue?
00:13:26.000 Sometimes white.
00:13:27.000 Sometimes, yeah, yeah.
00:13:28.000 Hey, mostly baby blue.
00:13:30.000 So I dressed like him.
00:13:30.000 So I was LARPing as an adult going to Disney.
00:13:33.000 Let's start the show.
00:13:47.000 Let's start the show.
00:13:50.000 Can I fix the keying on that?
00:13:52.000 What's the keying? 0.96
00:13:54.000 That's pretty bad.
00:13:55.000 Yeah.
00:13:56.000 So we're going to do this.
00:13:58.000 Don't do it in post.
00:13:59.000 No, no, no.
00:14:01.000 You got to do it here.
00:14:02.000 That show could probably lose the Biden at the end.
00:14:05.000 There we go.
00:14:06.000 Look at this.
00:14:06.000 Now it's perfect.
00:14:08.000 Joy, keep your eyes.
00:14:10.000 By Omnicron.
00:14:12.000 I had plenty of coffee.
00:14:15.000 Let's jump right into feminism, shall we? 1.00
00:14:17.000 We've got some fun stuff here.
00:14:26.000 Feminism. 1.00
00:14:30.000 This was from a...
00:14:30.000 So the intro was from a baby monster.
00:14:33.000 And this Iranian comedian is from a baby monster. 1.00
00:14:37.000 I've never heard of her before.
00:14:39.000 She calls herself an Iranian Muslim feminist.
00:14:42.000 Okay, first of all, you're not Iranian anymore. 0.92
00:14:45.000 You were Persian. 0.83
00:14:46.000 Then there was the revolution in 79.
00:14:48.000 I presume you're older than, I mean, you're younger than 43, whatever it is.
00:14:54.000 So you weren't even born in Iran.
00:14:57.000 That country's been ruined by Muslims, ironically. 1.00
00:15:01.000 So you'd think if you came from Iran, you'd be kind of anti-Muslim.
00:15:05.000 They wrecked your fucking town.
00:15:07.000 But they like it because it sounds black and weird and exotic. 0.86
00:15:12.000 And for the record, when they call themselves Persian, it means they support pre-revolution. 0.97
00:15:16.000 When they call themselves Iranian, it means post-revolution.
00:15:19.000 Very few people use Iranian who know what the fuck they're talking about because it's ruined. 1.00
00:15:24.000 Secondly, you can't be a Muslim and a feminist. 1.00
00:15:29.000 Sorry.
00:15:30.000 By the very nature, women are second-class citizens. 1.00
00:15:34.000 Well, they wear the burqa because they're preserving their sexuality. 1.00
00:15:38.000 Okay, then try not wearing it.
00:15:40.000 See how that works out for you.
00:15:42.000 It's a rule.
00:15:43.000 You have to wear it.
00:15:44.000 That's not free.
00:15:46.000 And when a man's testimony in court is worth twice that of a woman's, she's literally a second-class citizen. 0.66
00:15:53.000 So you're wrong.
00:15:55.000 And thirdly, she's not funny.
00:15:58.000 So I'm a Muslim feminist comedian. 0.99
00:16:01.000 I'm not Muslim. 0.94
00:16:02.000 I'm not a feminist. 0.96
00:16:03.000 And I'm not a comedian.
00:16:05.000 Wait a minute.
00:16:06.000 Four things.
00:16:07.000 And I'm not Iranian.
00:16:08.000 She got all four things wrong.
00:16:11.000 Let's check her out. 0.96
00:16:13.000 By the way, go to the beginning, and then we'll jump to that.
00:16:15.000 My name is Zara.
00:16:17.000 I am a feminist, Muslim, Iranian-American comedian.
00:16:24.000 Thank you!
00:16:29.000 Oh shit.
00:16:30.000 Remember that time when a Muslim feminist comedian came out and everyone went, well, well, well, look you here, boys. 0.79
00:16:40.000 Now try getting up on stage and saying, hi, I'm a white male heterosexual middle class Catholic comedian and I support Donald Trump.
00:16:48.000 See how that works out for you.
00:16:50.000 Well, first of all, you never would have made it to the stage.
00:16:53.000 Like even I saw Bert Kreischer was promoting Louis C.K.'s new standout special, which is a work of art.
00:17:00.000 We're going to dedicate a whole show to it.
00:17:02.000 It's so good.
00:17:04.000 And then people were reacting to him saying, good, I'm glad other comedians are promoting this show so we know who to stop following.
00:17:11.000 So now you can't like Louis C.K. We won't follow a comedian who supports Louis C.K. Why?
00:17:18.000 Because Louis C.K. consensually jerked off in front of a woman once or twice.
00:17:25.000 I mean, I don't think it's very cool.
00:17:27.000 It's not my cup of tea.
00:17:29.000 Although, at the end of a session, if you're not using a condom and you don't want her to get pregnant, doesn't everyone, at least briefly, beat off in front of a woman?
00:17:39.000 I mean, that's how you make a pearl necklace. 0.57
00:17:42.000 Right?
00:17:44.000 You clearly didn't do it nine months ago.
00:17:46.000 I did it before.
00:17:48.000 Yeah.
00:17:49.000 And then I said, you know what, after this crap.
00:17:51.000 That was all it was, too.
00:17:53.000 And they go, well, he was taking advantage of the fact that he's famous, but he wasn't famous.
00:18:00.000 He was a nobody back then.
00:18:04.000 So gay. 1.00
00:18:06.000 All right, go ahead.
00:18:07.000 I say I'm Iranian.
00:18:09.000 People get scared by this.
00:18:10.000 I like to have fun with it.
00:18:11.000 I like to sit in the front row of nuclear physics classes.
00:18:17.000 Excuse me, Professor.
00:18:20.000 This plutonium.
00:18:23.000 Can you find that on like the Craigslist?
00:18:28.000 Excuse me, Professor.
00:18:29.000 When are we going to make a nuclear bomb?
00:18:33.000 Wait, she just did her joke twice and ruined it the second time. 0.99
00:18:37.000 I ask about plutonium.
00:18:38.000 I indicate that I might be building a bomb.
00:18:40.000 And then the next joke is, hey, I want to build a nuclear bomb.
00:18:44.000 Yeah, we got that from the plutonium joke.
00:18:47.000 Yeesh.
00:18:48.000 Boo.
00:18:49.000 This reeks.
00:18:50.000 Good thing they canceled Louis C.K. I get a lot of questions about who I am.
00:18:58.000 This guy came up to me at a Whole Foods.
00:19:01.000 At a Whole Foods.
00:19:03.000 At a Whole Foods.
00:19:04.000 Where in the lying I'm going to go.
00:19:05.000 And he goes, what's a Persian?
00:19:07.000 What's an Iranian? 0.88
00:19:08.000 What is that?
00:19:08.000 Why do you have two things?
00:19:09.000 I'm just one thing.
00:19:10.000 I'm just an asshole.
00:19:13.000 This happened in Whole Foods.
00:19:14.000 And then right after that, he was like, what's a spring onion?
00:19:16.000 What's a scallion?
00:19:17.000 I don't understand.
00:19:17.000 One of them's exotic.
00:19:18.000 The other one just says what it is.
00:19:20.000 Why two names?
00:19:20.000 I'm confused.
00:19:21.000 Everyone is against me.
00:19:22.000 What's a shallot?
00:19:23.000 Can I trust the CIA?
00:19:27.000 And then he ran for president.
00:19:30.000 Oh.
00:19:31.000 We knew where that was going.
00:19:33.000 That's...
00:19:34.000 Oh.
00:19:36.000 The first thing I thought when she said that is: how did he know that you used that you were Iranian or Persian or anything when he bumped into you in the lying aisle at Whole Foods?
00:19:46.000 Like, there's zero plausibility in her things.
00:19:48.000 And I know she's supposed to be a made-up thing, but I can't do President jokes.
00:19:59.000 I know.
00:20:00.000 Every time I do them, either people are like, no, don't bring him into the space.
00:20:07.000 Same.
00:20:08.000 Hold on, are you catching this?
00:20:10.000 This is obviously when Trump was president.
00:20:12.000 She can't say his name, so she goes, I can't do President jokes.
00:20:17.000 You can't do jokes, I've noticed, but go ahead.
00:20:25.000 Or I get other people who are like, you know, it really is a great opportunity for you.
00:20:31.000 As a Muslim, Iranian, comedian.
00:20:35.000 It's just my dad.
00:20:38.000 That was okay.
00:20:39.000 I can't do those jokes.
00:20:40.000 I can't because I can't say his name.
00:20:41.000 Every time I try, like, who's writing a joke about President?
00:20:45.000 My mouth stops working.
00:20:46.000 Just, I wish your mouth stopped working now.
00:20:49.000 Yeah.
00:20:51.000 And by the way, you're trying to make jokes about him right now, and your mouth's going a mile a minute, so that's not true.
00:20:58.000 I don't want to see him.
00:20:58.000 I want to hear him.
00:20:59.000 All I hear is, ugh.
00:21:04.000 Here I am, President.
00:21:07.000 This is what a white man can do.
00:21:10.000 Uh, uh, uh, just jizz on the walls of the White House in the world.
00:21:17.000 This is what a white man can do.
00:21:18.000 Just jizz on the walls of the White House of the world.
00:21:21.000 Isn't that Bill Clinton?
00:21:23.000 You're thinking of?
00:21:24.000 Yeah, you got the wrong guy.
00:21:28.000 Bill Clinton literally jizzed in the White House.
00:21:30.000 Yeah.
00:21:32.000 Antarctica.
00:21:33.000 Uh-uh.
00:21:37.000 I do this vision work when I see him.
00:21:40.000 I imagine these winged, fangid vaginas. 1.00
00:21:47.000 Just flying through the air.
00:21:48.000 Winged faggot, did you say? 1.00
00:21:51.000 Winged thinged? 0.97
00:21:53.000 I imagine these winged, fangid vaginas. 1.00
00:21:58.000 I don't know what that word is.
00:21:59.000 Iranian, maybe?
00:22:02.000 Just flying through the air.
00:22:05.000 Not just one, like a flock.
00:22:08.000 Just that's more plausible than the whole food story.
00:22:15.000 While he's just a catch tweet.
00:22:27.000 Then they soar down, just and they swallow him a whole...
00:22:37.000 And they take him away to a nest of baby winged fanged vaginas. 1.00
00:22:41.000 Fanged.
00:22:43.000 Winged, fangid.
00:22:46.000 They have fangs.
00:22:48.000 Vagina dentia, I believe it's called. 1.00
00:22:52.000 And they're like, and then they consume him with their baby fanged teeth. 0.99
00:23:08.000 They say you have to fully imagine the world you want to live in to make it real.
00:23:15.000 All right, that's enough.
00:23:16.000 Man, talk about yawning.
00:23:18.000 That was brutal.
00:23:20.000 That reminds me of the who's Hellboy again?
00:23:24.000 Roy Orbison, what's his name?
00:23:26.000 He was also in Beauty and the Beast.
00:23:29.000 He's also in that monster thing.
00:23:32.000 Roy Perlman.
00:23:33.000 Ron Perlman.
00:23:35.000 That reminds me of the bit David Cross said where he goes, I wish Ron Perlman ran for office.
00:23:39.000 And then the first day of the debates, he just gets out there and he just, with his big, huge fist.
00:23:44.000 Like, you think of our guys that we want people to, we fantasize about having people beat up by?
00:23:51.000 It's like Conor McGregor.
00:23:53.000 You know, people who can fight.
00:23:56.000 But Ron Perlman is your guy?
00:23:58.000 Isn't he like 75 years old?
00:24:01.000 He's a softy actor Jewish man.
00:24:03.000 How old is I'm going to look up Ron Perlman?
00:24:05.000 Who plays tough guys?
00:24:06.000 Sort of.
00:24:07.000 Guy, a real, you know, somebody who's very vocally anti-Trump, you know, somebody who, and again, an honest son of a bitch, tough motherfucker.
00:24:17.000 And I'm suggesting Ron Perlman.
00:24:20.000 All right?
00:24:21.000 He's 71.
00:24:22.000 So Ron Perlman is the candidate for president of the United States.
00:24:27.000 And he, you know, because we all learned in school, like through movies and TV shows and books, how to deal with a bully.
00:24:33.000 We understand how to deal with a bully, and that's what Trump is.
00:24:36.000 So we get this fucking badass motherfucker, tough guy, Ron Perlman.
00:24:40.000 He runs for president.
00:24:41.000 And then his vice presidential pick is the person we really want to be president, you know, whoever that is, whether it's, you know, Warren or Sanders or Harris or Booker, whoever the fuck it is.
00:24:50.000 So, but.
00:24:51.000 Warren or Sanders or Harris.
00:24:53.000 Look at that pussy lineup. 1.00
00:24:55.000 Elizabeth Warren, Kamala Harris, Bernie Sanders.
00:25:01.000 Yikes.
00:25:02.000 So this is like, what's the, the hatred for Trump is weird.
00:25:05.000 You mentioned Booker, too.
00:25:06.000 It's daddy issues, and David has brutal daddy issues.
00:25:10.000 His father totally abandoned him and was a con man.
00:25:13.000 And then I think it's also the nerds were the victims, 80s.
00:25:18.000 And then in the 90s, they had indie rock shoegaze stuff, square pegs, pavement, and all of a sudden nerds were cool.
00:25:28.000 And the nerds dominated for most of the 90s.
00:25:33.000 Grunge was a blow, though, I would say.
00:25:35.000 But grunge guys, like Kurt Cobain still wore a woman's cardigan.
00:25:40.000 They weren't going to beat up nerds.
00:25:41.000 In fact, you could argue Grunge was like the high T of the nerds.
00:25:46.000 Right?
00:25:47.000 Look at Nirvana.
00:25:49.000 They're all still fatherless baby men. 0.96
00:25:53.000 They're just like the raunchiest, toughest of the group.
00:25:56.000 Like Kurt Cobain could beat up Patton Oswald.
00:25:59.000 He just Never would.
00:26:01.000 And I think the nerds got comfortable with the power.
00:26:05.000 We rock.
00:26:06.000 I mean, Patton Oswald, speaking of, was pretty pro First Amendment.
00:26:10.000 Not a right-wing dude, but he was against cancel culture and he was sane.
00:26:15.000 I spoke to him all the time.
00:26:17.000 He helped me write my book.
00:26:19.000 Great.
00:26:20.000 He was a great guy.
00:26:21.000 Then Trump came along, and all of a sudden he goes completely off the reservation.
00:26:26.000 I fucking hate him.
00:26:27.000 Fuck anyone who likes him, too.
00:26:29.000 Cancel them all.
00:26:30.000 They become social justice warriors.
00:26:32.000 And then, of course, they get canceled.
00:26:34.000 Like, Patton Oswald got away with promoting prescription drugs, the abuse of prescription drugs, and then his wife dies of that.
00:26:42.000 I don't know how you dodge that bullet.
00:26:43.000 But David got in big shit for being a racist, for saying to some Asian actress, oh, Ching Chong Chinaman.
00:26:50.000 Oh, you're going to fucking kung fu me?
00:26:52.000 Which I have a sneaking suspicion I said, and she misremembers it.
00:26:55.000 Charlene Yi.
00:26:57.000 But anyway, like that Iranian woman, what's she really scared of? 0.94
00:27:01.000 Trump?
00:27:02.000 No, she's scared of us going back to the days where the losers aren't in control.
00:27:09.000 And I think what happened is the losers, they started out gaining, you know, a wedgie free life where they're not going to be hanging by their underwear from a basketball net, which is fair.
00:27:19.000 But then they kept going up and up and up.
00:27:22.000 And now they were in charge.
00:27:23.000 And then what do they do?
00:27:25.000 Power corrupts, absolute power corrupts, absolutely.
00:27:27.000 The next thing you know, Upright Citizens Brigade in New York City starts saying, no, if you're male, you cannot play a female unless you identify as trans.
00:27:36.000 All these weird rules for comedy.
00:27:39.000 And then they start demanding more black women in SNL, which is how we got Leslie Jones and other incompetent boobs, literally boobies. 1.00
00:27:48.000 And so Trump comes along and he doesn't say, I'm going to wedgie you.
00:27:51.000 That hasn't been an option since the 80s.
00:27:54.000 He says, we're getting back to meritocracy, though.
00:27:57.000 And I'm not saying anchor baby.
00:27:59.000 And we're not worried about the race and the gender of people on SNL.
00:28:03.000 It's just if they're funny or not.
00:28:04.000 So we're actually scrapping your whole new system, your whole new multicultural pizza pie, multi-pronouns, extra bathrooms. 1.00
00:28:17.000 We're not doing that.
00:28:19.000 And I'm not mad at you.
00:28:20.000 I don't hate you.
00:28:21.000 It's just bullshit.
00:28:22.000 And so they go blind with rage.
00:28:24.000 And what do they do?
00:28:25.000 They want vaginas with fangs to eat them. 1.00
00:28:28.000 And a 71-year-old man who, you know, what is Trump?
00:28:33.000 He's like 75.
00:28:34.000 It could probably be a good fight.
00:28:38.000 Where do we get the impression that Ron's this excellent fighter?
00:28:41.000 They both get pretty winded pretty fast.
00:28:44.000 I'm not sure they have the cardio to pull off a match.
00:28:47.000 It just ceases to be logical.
00:28:49.000 Now, then let's look at the canceled, like Louis C.K., who was sort of part of the nerd war, but not really.
00:28:59.000 And then that's the other thing about the nerds, too, when they got absolute power. 0.98
00:29:02.000 They would throw their enemies under the bus, not their enemies, their peers, their friends under the bus like that.
00:29:07.000 Let's see if you can dig up any teaser for his new special.
00:29:10.000 And you'll see the impetus of my rage.
00:29:12.000 It's not daddy issues.
00:29:14.000 It's not wedging.
00:29:14.000 It's not losing control.
00:29:16.000 It's the death of meritocracy.
00:29:18.000 You saw David do a pathetic rendition of a Jew with big hands beating up his least favorite president. 1.00
00:29:26.000 Then you saw the Iranian and her fucking Whole Foods shit, right? 1.00
00:29:30.000 That was shit, right?
00:29:31.000 Focus more on the Iranian. 0.57
00:29:33.000 No, no, don't, actually.
00:29:34.000 Because David and Louie have the exact same background.
00:29:36.000 They both came up in Boston.
00:29:38.000 But now look at someone who's there for merit.
00:29:44.000 Greatest song ever.
00:29:51.000 Are you picturing it?
00:29:52.000 It's good.
00:29:53.000 It's really good.
00:29:54.000 Nobody gets pregnant. 0.99
00:29:55.000 It's a lot of fun.
00:29:56.000 Well, this isn't a segment.
00:29:57.000 And meanwhile, the Chinese baby and the Jamaican nanny are just deliberate. 1.00
00:30:01.000 Is that a clip?
00:30:01.000 I want like a one bit.
00:30:03.000 I was watching YouTube today.
00:30:04.000 I was watching one of the ads that comes on before the video.
00:30:08.000 I don't skip those.
00:30:09.000 I think that's rude.
00:30:11.000 It is.
00:30:11.000 It's mean.
00:30:13.000 Somebody worked hard on that ad.
00:30:15.000 They trained a cheetah to run alongside a Jeep Cherokee.
00:30:21.000 And you're at home like, three, two, one, fuck off.
00:30:25.000 I tried to retell this joke to my kids and I bombed.
00:30:29.000 It's hard.
00:30:31.000 Anyway, the ad was a PSA.
00:30:34.000 It was an anti-smoking message.
00:30:37.000 It was a Puerto Rican man with a hole in his throat.
00:30:40.000 He was like,
00:31:18.000 if you miss the moon, you shouldn't have an accent.
00:31:26.000 Is the machine having to port the weekend?
00:31:33.000 Is that just how air sounds coming out of this guy?
00:31:35.000 Does he fork with an accent?
00:31:38.000 Signor.
00:31:43.000 Signor.
00:31:47.000 Anyway, after the ad, I watched the video that I was looking for, which was a scene from a movie.
00:31:53.000 But wait a minute.
00:31:54.000 Scene doing all this.
00:31:55.000 But why does...
00:31:57.000 Because you think of an accent, what are you doing?
00:31:59.000 Like, every time you try to explain accents, like when Joe was here and you're telling him how to do Tony Soprano, it's all about the air and it's all up here, right?
00:32:06.000 It's very difficult situation.
00:32:08.000 Look at this.
00:32:09.000 Look at the difficult situation.
00:32:10.000 Or in Scotland, they talk about Sham Gabbitt. 0.58
00:32:13.000 Hey, see, you people, hang it's too good for you, Spider-We that big man.
00:32:18.000 That's all your face.
00:32:19.000 Sham Gabbott means you're so Scottish. 0.90
00:32:22.000 Guy Scots, as they say.
00:32:23.000 Guy means a lot.
00:32:25.000 That it alters the shape of your face.
00:32:28.000 This isn't your face.
00:32:32.000 And I'm asking Ryan to help me here, but that's like asking a hippopotamus to join your basketball team.
00:32:39.000 Well, the air.
00:32:42.000 It's like the percussiveness and the sh the way you talk is a lot of the air, right?
00:32:50.000 Not just the way you articulate it with the mouth.
00:32:51.000 But the microphone's here.
00:32:53.000 Right, but I still sound the way I do.
00:32:56.000 Like, if my microphone's here.
00:32:58.000 But if I sounded the way I do, like this, like the vibrations in the air still was British. 0.84
00:33:03.000 But then the mic would be here.
00:33:07.000 The thing that makes the British thing is up north of there.
00:33:12.000 It's up here.
00:33:15.000 Anyway, you're not helping Hippo.
00:33:16.000 Put down the basketball.
00:33:17.000 Let's hear the rest of it.
00:33:18.000 So he talks about goodwill hunting now.
00:33:21.000 Quality.
00:33:22.000 Every time I see it, it makes me angry.
00:33:23.000 See, stop what I was looking for.
00:33:25.000 I'm just going to ruin this because, you know, you could look at this on your own.
00:33:28.000 Good art takes a thing that you see every day and it goes, this is stupid.
00:33:34.000 Or this is awesome.
00:33:35.000 Or I want you to see this in a new way you've never seen before.
00:33:39.000 Something really obvious.
00:33:40.000 Like Jerry Seinfeld, I mean, I'm not a fan, but he goes, I got to hand it to the Asians. 1.00
00:33:45.000 Stick him with those chopsticks, those clearly inferior things. 0.74
00:33:48.000 And that's something you see all the time.
00:33:50.000 You see chopsticks every day.
00:33:52.000 And you don't really go, yeah, what are you doing, dude?
00:33:55.000 Stop.
00:33:56.000 They're not different.
00:33:57.000 They suck.
00:33:57.000 I've seen when you have a big bowl, you have to go like this and sort of like, you're just using sticks.
00:34:02.000 We have a spoon for the soupy stuff, a fork.
00:34:06.000 We can cut it with a knife.
00:34:07.000 We have a nice soft knife for butter.
00:34:09.000 We've got a big serrated knife for steak.
00:34:11.000 You need a toolkit for the variety of food.
00:34:15.000 I hadn't thought of that.
00:34:16.000 So you took something like chopsticks and you showed me something I hadn't thought of.
00:34:23.000 Goodwill hunting.
00:34:24.000 My wife told me the other day, she goes, I watched that movie.
00:34:26.000 I liked it when it came out, and I wanted to show our daughter.
00:34:30.000 And I started showing it to her, and I was like, this is idiotic.
00:34:34.000 She goes, neither of us could make it through it.
00:34:42.000 Stupid.
00:34:43.000 Drop it.
00:34:44.000 Okay, so go back to him.
00:34:46.000 What's this?
00:34:47.000 Okay, go back to him.
00:34:50.000 On YouTube.
00:34:52.000 And it's a movie I like.
00:34:53.000 I actually like the movie.
00:34:55.000 It's called Goodwill Hunting.
00:34:56.000 Remember Goodwill Hunting?
00:34:57.000 Of course, right?
00:34:58.000 Matt Damon played a great performance.
00:35:01.000 He plays a very complicated young man wearing a tight t-shirt for a whole movie.
00:35:06.000 And here's the thing.
00:35:08.000 Here's my issue with Goodwill Hunting.
00:35:09.000 Matt Damon also wrote the movie, okay?
00:35:12.000 So he basically sat down and he's like, first of all, I am amazing.
00:35:20.000 I'm a construction worker.
00:35:22.000 I'm like working class.
00:35:24.000 And I drink beer and I get in fights.
00:35:26.000 I get in so many fights.
00:35:30.000 My friends are like, you're out of control, man.
00:35:32.000 And I'm like, shut up.
00:35:33.000 This is the way I am.
00:35:37.000 But then also, I'm a genius.
00:35:43.000 I didn't even go to school.
00:35:44.000 I just know things.
00:35:46.000 I don't know why.
00:35:47.000 I just know them.
00:35:49.000 And all the nerdy geniuses that studied for years are like, he's so much smarter than us.
00:35:55.000 It's making us upset.
00:35:57.000 It's insane.
00:35:58.000 It's fucking insane.
00:36:02.000 It only makes sense if he wrote it for himself to be the guy.
00:36:08.000 So the scene I was looking for, it's the worst example of that in the movie.
00:36:12.000 Here's what happens.
00:36:13.000 He goes to a bar and he meets a woman and he likes her and another guy likes her too, but she picks Matt Damon.
00:36:21.000 Because he wrote the fucking movie, because he decided, you understand?
00:36:26.000 She doesn't like him.
00:36:27.000 She likes me.
00:36:27.000 You better believe it.
00:36:33.000 So he gets her phone number and then he goes outside and he sees the other guy in the window of a restaurant.
00:36:39.000 He decides to taunt him.
00:36:41.000 So he goes over, he tells his friends, hey, come here, watch this.
00:36:45.000 And he says to the guy, hey, do you like apples?
00:36:53.000 And the guy says, yes.
00:36:58.000 And Matt Damon goes, well, I got a number.
00:37:02.000 How do you like them apples?
00:37:05.000 And all Matt Damon's friends go, this was amazing.
00:37:23.000 You were ready with that.
00:37:26.000 How?
00:37:31.000 You know how he did it?
00:37:32.000 He wrote the whole fucking movie, okay?
00:37:34.000 He made everybody say all the things.
00:37:39.000 Anyway, it goes on and on.
00:37:40.000 He talks about...
00:37:42.000 Like, just don't say you like apples.
00:37:44.000 You can tell the guy's setting you up to fuck with you.
00:37:47.000 And then he's like, well, do you like bananas?
00:37:49.000 And then you go, it's kind of bananas how I got her number.
00:37:52.000 See, I'm already fucking up.
00:37:53.000 The reason.
00:37:56.000 Read a children's storybook or sing a lullaby.
00:38:02.000 I wish I had.
00:38:04.000 The only voice my grandson's ever heard is this one.
00:38:08.000 Oh, I got an idea.
00:38:09.000 Reflection's still there.
00:38:10.000 Yeah.
00:38:11.000 No, again, Hippo's wrong.
00:38:14.000 The guy didn't have a Puerto Rican accent.
00:38:16.000 He made that up.
00:38:17.000 He made that up.
00:38:18.000 He saw, for a split second, when he was hearing that, it was from a Puerto Rican.
00:38:24.000 So you see, like, the little mustache and the hat and the fucking Lin Manuel Miranda Chico Gonzalez shit.
00:38:30.000 And you go, oh, that's a Puerto Rican accent.
00:38:33.000 And then if you listen close, you realize, no, it isn't.
00:38:35.000 But when he made that mistake, he said to himself, that would be kind of funny if he did because it wouldn't make sense because of the things down here.
00:38:42.000 And then he made the whole bid around that.
00:38:44.000 Genius.
00:38:45.000 Bam.
00:38:47.000 And everyone, just like his brain heard a Puerto Rican accent when he first heard the, everyone in the audience, including you and I, by the way, went, oh yeah, they do do that.
00:38:58.000 I've heard that too when we haven't.
00:39:02.000 Unlike the whole foods where we go, what?
00:39:07.000 This guy does have an accent.
00:39:08.000 No, he doesn't.
00:39:09.000 Listen.
00:39:12.000 He's got an ass.
00:39:12.000 Are you going to go?
00:39:13.000 Wait, no, I'm wrong again.
00:39:23.000 No, no, That is true.
00:39:25.000 I'm wrong again.
00:39:26.000 Louie, how old is this joke?
00:39:28.000 Yeah, yeah.
00:39:31.000 2013?
00:39:32.000 Well, yeah.
00:39:34.000 I took a time machine to do this special.
00:39:45.000 I was wrong.
00:39:46.000 There is an accent.
00:39:46.000 Louis C.K. make fun of me.
00:39:50.000 Now we're back to Confused again.
00:39:51.000 Yep.
00:39:52.000 Alright, I refuse to tolerate that heat.
00:39:56.000 Talk for a second, Ryan.
00:39:58.000 Okay.
00:40:01.000 So yeah, and then I'm seeing, I don't know if Opie and Anthony was in, if Louis was in this one, but Opie and Anthony covered this smoking commercial.
00:40:08.000 So this thing's been around for a while.
00:40:13.000 So I wonder if he's been rolling that bit around in his head for that long.
00:40:22.000 Maybe this is him practicing avoiding a joke that's too soon.
00:40:27.000 He says, you know, that doesn't really happen anymore.
00:40:31.000 Wow, you really know how to tank a show in a matter of seconds.
00:40:36.000 I did podcast pacing.
00:40:40.000 Go to 12B just to jump back to that Iranian chick. 1.00
00:40:43.000 The guy sent us a few.
00:40:45.000 Oh, gang.
00:40:52.000 What you got there for us, honey?
00:40:54.000 Workshop to beat the blues.
00:40:57.000 The morning comedy workshop to beat the blues.
00:41:00.000 And all that dissociation.
00:41:02.000 Join me here on IG Live at 10 a.m.
00:41:05.000 California time for games, drills, tips, and joke writing hacks from celebrity guests.
00:41:14.000 That'll boost your mood.
00:41:16.000 Yeah, really.
00:41:17.000 That's nice.
00:41:18.000 People.
00:41:19.000 And get you writing.
00:41:20.000 Writing.
00:41:21.000 And it's only 30 minutes.
00:41:23.000 Oh, I'm naked.
00:41:25.000 Listen, we all need this.
00:41:28.000 Whether you've written something or nothing these 30 minutes?
00:41:33.000 I don't know.
00:41:34.000 That's really sweet.
00:41:35.000 I'm like a really great writer already.
00:41:38.000 But are you mentally stable?
00:41:42.000 Flash Comedy Writing, 10 a.m. on IG Live.
00:41:45.000 She knows all her characters are just her?
00:41:48.000 Yeah.
00:41:48.000 That's not different.
00:41:49.000 I want to join that comedy thing.
00:41:51.000 You know, you could tell that she's the kind of girl where her aunts and cousins said, you are so funny.
00:41:56.000 You need to get into comedy.
00:41:57.000 You're so talented.
00:41:59.000 Why are you not in comedy?
00:42:02.000 You have a skill.
00:42:04.000 You have a skill set.
00:42:05.000 You have a skill set.
00:42:08.000 And that reminds me of this dude.
00:42:11.000 This may also be a baby monster thing.
00:42:15.000 He's talking about how important therapy is.
00:42:18.000 And it's like, no, we don't need therapy.
00:42:20.000 We're fine, dude.
00:42:21.000 It's you weirdo comedians who have to stand on a stage and go, look at me, look at me, let you listen to my problems.
00:42:29.000 You're the ones that need therapy.
00:42:30.000 In fact, the reason we find comedy funny is we hear you try to take your depressing life and elevate it and make it kooky, right?
00:42:38.000 And that makes you just at zero where you don't want to kill yourself, though they still do all the time, right?
00:42:45.000 Like, who just killed himself?
00:42:49.000 Oh, the guy, sport, the guy, number one guy.
00:42:54.000 You know the guy?
00:42:55.000 You were really into him.
00:42:56.000 Stephen Brody Stevens?
00:42:57.000 Stephen Brody Stevens, just offed himself.
00:42:59.000 We got Gary Garnell.
00:43:02.000 What the hell is his name?
00:43:03.000 The guy who talks about the Cobb salad and how Gary Goldman?
00:43:07.000 Gary Goldman.
00:43:07.000 He didn't kill himself, but he's on the way.
00:43:08.000 He's constantly trying not to kill himself.
00:43:11.000 That's unusual.
00:43:14.000 There we go.
00:43:15.000 Yes.
00:43:17.000 Robin Williams.
00:43:20.000 Oh, I didn't know he offed himself.
00:43:22.000 Shooting himself in the head.
00:43:23.000 Yikes.
00:43:25.000 Classico.
00:43:26.000 Charles Roddy.
00:43:27.000 All right, this list is starting to...
00:43:28.000 Okay.
00:43:29.000 Okay, we're getting kind of desperate here.
00:43:31.000 Ray Combs, technically, is a host.
00:43:34.000 Not really a comedian.
00:43:35.000 Richard Jenny.
00:43:36.000 He was a comedian.
00:43:37.000 Shot himself, that's true.
00:43:39.000 Andrew Koenig?
00:43:40.000 No idea who that is.
00:43:41.000 Losiento, but Yono Say.
00:43:44.000 No idea who that is.
00:43:45.000 He looks killable.
00:43:47.000 Anyway, they're all on the verge of suicide.
00:43:48.000 Chan, Chan.
00:43:49.000 And they assume we all are.
00:43:50.000 And that's the funny thing about comedy.
00:43:52.000 The funny thing.
00:43:53.000 They're constantly telling us how to live our lives, and they can't live their own.
00:43:58.000 They're barely holding it together.
00:44:00.000 And they're like, you people are so stupid.
00:44:02.000 Get it together.
00:44:03.000 They're really just talking to themselves.
00:44:05.000 And we're laughing at the clown.
00:44:07.000 But go to 14B.
00:44:10.000 I think everyone should be in therapy, especially more men need to be in therapy. 1.00
00:44:14.000 Yes.
00:44:15.000 Yes.
00:44:15.000 Yes.
00:44:17.000 Yes.
00:44:17.000 But they're very reluctant.
00:44:19.000 Men are very reluctant.
00:44:21.000 My best friend, his name is Josh.
00:44:22.000 He's mine.
00:44:23.000 He just went through a second divorce.
00:44:24.000 Never say my best friend.
00:44:29.000 If you're eight, you shouldn't be watching this show, by the way.
00:44:32.000 If you're eight, you can say my best friend.
00:44:34.000 But I hear adults say it all the time.
00:44:36.000 Stop, dude.
00:44:38.000 What if you say it and you're around your second best friend?
00:44:41.000 Do you have to break it to him that he's not number one in your books?
00:44:44.000 That's not even gay. 0.77
00:44:47.000 And if your friend is going through his second divorce, he's a fucking loser.
00:44:52.000 Like everyone in LA.
00:44:53.000 And they have no culpability.
00:44:55.000 They have no standards.
00:44:56.000 So they don't see it as a bad thing.
00:44:58.000 Like Mark Maron and his constantly fucking these 20-something assistants.
00:45:02.000 Or Bill Maher constantly fucking prostitutes with fake tits.
00:45:06.000 Everyone's like, that's your cup of tea.
00:45:07.000 Who am I to judge?
00:45:09.000 No, we're judging.
00:45:10.000 Here in the Northeast, we judge.
00:45:12.000 And I'm judging you.
00:45:15.000 And you suck. 0.84
00:45:16.000 He's been very depressed.
00:45:18.000 And I told him, I was like, you should go to therapy.
00:45:19.000 And he was like, nah.
00:45:22.000 Running.
00:45:24.000 That's so dumb.
00:45:25.000 That's my therapy.
00:45:27.000 And I was like, oh, that's so interesting because sushi, that's my hair cut.
00:45:32.000 What the fuck?
00:45:36.000 Okay, stop.
00:45:36.000 That makes a lot of sense.
00:45:38.000 I'll explain it to you.
00:45:39.000 Mental health is contingent on physical health.
00:45:43.000 They are inexorably linked.
00:45:45.000 I don't know if you've ever seen my 600-pound life, but they're very blue on that show.
00:45:51.000 When you exercise a lot, you're telling your body that you're in it to win it.
00:45:56.000 So it says the opposite of I give up, and it starts trying and getting involved.
00:46:02.000 And it releases endorphins.
00:46:04.000 I would argue it's better than therapy.
00:46:06.000 What's therapy?
00:46:07.000 You're just talking about yourself.
00:46:08.000 Everyone I've known, like, remember Terry Richardson used to go every fucking day.
00:46:13.000 And he just seemed more reliant.
00:46:16.000 It's like when you use a calculator all the time, the next thing you know, you're typing out 10 times 10.
00:46:20.000 Or you use a lawyer a lot and you start saying, should I do this?
00:46:24.000 And they always say no.
00:46:24.000 They're risk averse.
00:46:26.000 And when you go to a therapist, I feel like it gives you this crutch where you just go, oh, I won't figure out my own problems.
00:46:32.000 I'll just tell him or her that I feel bad about a thing.
00:46:35.000 And they go, well, you know, maybe that's supposed to make you feel bad.
00:46:38.000 Maybe you should just try to make.
00:46:39.000 And then he gives you a bunch of medications.
00:46:42.000 Yeah.
00:46:43.000 There's nothing better for you than exercise.
00:46:45.000 So, and have you not heard that before?
00:46:49.000 Like, what is with the pulling the mic away and going, what the fuck are you talking about?
00:47:00.000 We need to treat depression like the disease that it is.
00:47:08.000 Do you want to tell someone with diabetes to run it off?
00:47:12.000 Because you need both feet.
00:47:16.000 That's a weird shitting on diabetics for needing their feet amputated, Joke.
00:47:20.000 But yeah, diabetics should be in as good health as possible.
00:47:24.000 In fact, most diabetics who die are overweight.
00:47:28.000 And you can get so fat that you get diabetes.
00:47:31.000 That's a huge problem in the American Indian community where they get so fat, they eat so badly, they end up with stage 2 diabetes.
00:47:39.000 Is that what it's called?
00:47:40.000 Stage 2?
00:47:42.000 Type 2.
00:47:43.000 Type 2.
00:47:44.000 I meant to say type 2.
00:47:46.000 It's literally one of the most linked things ever.
00:47:49.000 Yeah.
00:47:50.000 It couldn't be more bad.
00:47:52.000 What are you talking about?
00:47:54.000 My God.
00:47:55.000 So glad we don't have meritocracy in comedy anymore.
00:47:58.000 Because now anyone can get up.
00:48:01.000 And, oh, my God, maybe part of canceling Louie was to wipe out the competition and make them seem more funny.
00:48:13.000 It's possible.
00:48:15.000 I think that's what happened with Beth, what's her name, who canceled... 0.78
00:48:20.000 Beth Stelling?
00:48:22.000 Beth Stelling, who canceled... 1.00
00:48:24.000 What's her name?
00:48:25.000 His name?
00:48:27.000 Wait, Kale?
00:48:28.000 Kale.
00:48:28.000 Is that the Kale chick?
00:48:30.000 Yeah, that's the Kale chick. 1.00
00:48:31.000 Oh, shit.
00:48:32.000 Because, you know, he was above her, and she was down here, as far as like, you can, there's metrics for that.
00:48:38.000 As well as looks.
00:48:39.000 Like Google searches, right?
00:48:43.000 He was writing Bad Grandpa with Johnny Knoxville.
00:48:45.000 Then she calls him a rapist.
00:48:47.000 He vanishes.
00:48:48.000 She shoots up.
00:48:51.000 Yuck.
00:48:51.000 That's a four.
00:48:54.000 So yeah, we're kind of straying from feminism here. 1.00
00:48:57.000 I thought this was interesting.
00:48:58.000 My alma mater vice talked about how the only way you can have feminism is to end the family. 1.00
00:49:04.000 Seems like a good idea.
00:49:08.000 It says end it.
00:49:13.000 What could go wrong?
00:49:15.000 One woman's case for a feminist utopia. 1.00
00:49:17.000 We can't have a feminist future without abolishing the family. 1.00
00:49:22.000 Which is what we see with BLM.
00:49:26.000 Dismantle the American family. 0.88
00:49:28.000 I think BLM saying we need to dismantle the nuclear family is really just them making the best of a bad situation and saying, well, dad's not around.
00:49:36.000 I'm going to pretend I did it on purpose.
00:49:38.000 Found the article here?
00:49:42.000 Sophie Lewis.
00:49:44.000 By Marie Solis.
00:49:46.000 Isn't that funny, really?
00:49:47.000 Like, that you couldn't, this couldn't be the most diametric, wait, diametrically opposed?
00:49:54.000 What do you mean?
00:49:55.000 The thing you're saying, have a family, and they're saying, don't.
00:49:58.000 It really is black and white, good and evil stuff here.
00:50:03.000 Well, the irony is what I want is better off for her.
00:50:06.000 Like, they keep bragging about how they need kids, bring you down.
00:50:10.000 But all I see when I talk to this same woman when she's 40 is, what have I done? 0.63
00:50:15.000 I'm miserable.
00:50:16.000 Look at the woman who started all this shit with Sex in the City. 1.00
00:50:20.000 The woman who wrote Sex in the City is fucking miserable. 1.00
00:50:23.000 She doesn't look happy to you?
00:50:25.000 I think she's not getting fucked right now.
00:50:26.000 No one's proposing.
00:50:27.000 So now it's like, good, I don't want anyone to propose to me.
00:50:30.000 Again, making the most of a bad situation.
00:50:34.000 Check out the sheer narcissism of this chick. 1.00
00:50:36.000 Speaking of ridiculous feminists. 1.00
00:50:41.000 I don't have the mental energy to tell you my pronouns.
00:50:44.000 I mean, you've seen, we've done hundreds of these.
00:50:46.000 It could be its own show.
00:50:48.000 Actually, that's a good idea.
00:50:50.000 But it's a British girl who's cis, but she presents as female. 0.92
00:50:57.000 Yeah, that's called a girl. 0.99
00:50:59.000 You're just a normal woman. 1.00
00:51:01.000 No, I'm not.
00:51:02.000 I'm an androgynist, but I don't like to present as androgynous, so I present as female.
00:51:07.000 Yeah.
00:51:08.000 Okay.
00:51:08.000 I am trans.
00:51:10.000 I'm cis male, and I present as male.
00:51:14.000 But secretly in the bathroom, I'm trans?
00:51:16.000 I don't know.
00:51:17.000 Am I blow a dude?
00:51:18.000 Is that what you're saying?
00:51:20.000 I am stitching this video again to give further clarification.
00:51:24.000 Again, because cis people keep asking stupid questions. 0.88
00:51:27.000 Again, I'm fed up with it.
00:51:29.000 I go by any and all pronouns.
00:51:32.000 This includes news.
00:51:33.000 Getting approached at Whole Foods and asked why you have two names.
00:51:36.000 No one is bothering her with questions.
00:51:39.000 Nobody.
00:51:41.000 Your parents don't care.
00:51:43.000 And the people around you already know all these dumb rules.
00:51:46.000 And no one else outside of your little tiny bubble wants to talk to you or gives a shit what you think.
00:51:53.000 I am non-binary, not gender.
00:51:56.000 My preferred pronouns are they, them.
00:51:58.000 However, I go by any and all pronouns because I know that if I go by they them, I will face misgendering.
00:52:03.000 And I just don't have the mental energy for that.
00:52:06.000 And I don't care.
00:52:09.000 Wait, she goes by any and all pronouns.
00:52:11.000 So she doesn't mind being called she.
00:52:14.000 She's born female and presents as female. 0.98
00:52:16.000 I think we're done here.
00:52:18.000 Yeah.
00:52:19.000 Mid over.
00:52:20.000 Okay.
00:52:21.000 So we're good.
00:52:23.000 I will face misgendering, and I just don't have the mental energy for that.
00:52:26.000 Great.
00:52:27.000 So if I go by any and all pronouns, people can't deliberately misgender me.
00:52:31.000 If I have told someone I am non-binary and they refuse to use any pronouns other than she, her, I will get a little bit annoyed.
00:52:39.000 Because that means that they are looking at me being female presenting and they only see me as a woman.
00:52:43.000 They don't see me as non-binary.
00:52:45.000 They don't acknowledge the fact that my gender identity is non-binary.
00:52:48.000 They just see me as a woman.
00:52:50.000 I dress in a feminine manner because non-binary doesn't equal androgyny.
00:52:54.000 Shut up. 0.95
00:52:59.000 And non-binary people do not owe you androgyny. 0.99
00:53:02.000 In fact, neither do trans people. 1.00
00:53:04.000 The idea of passing in general is absolutely ridiculous.
00:53:06.000 Just respect someone's gender identity.
00:53:09.000 In the comments section, I said cis people be quiet. 1.00
00:53:12.000 This includes queer cisgendered people.
00:53:14.000 Cis people, you don't deserve a trophy for using people's correct pronouns because that is the bare minimum. 0.94
00:53:20.000 And the cis people in my comments that are refusing to use the right gender pronouns because I look like a woman can just shut up.
00:53:27.000 I'm not giving you three men's money. 0.60
00:53:28.000 I do cis people.
00:53:30.000 But you look like a woman, so I'm going to refer to you as a woman.
00:53:32.000 I do not care.
00:53:33.000 I am telling you I am non-binary.
00:53:34.000 If you cannot respect that, shut up.
00:53:35.000 Unlearn your transphobia.
00:53:37.000 I'm not asking people to try and shoehorn in every single pronoun they can when.
00:53:41.000 Jesus.
00:53:44.000 Here's the punishment.
00:53:46.000 This is a horrific story.
00:53:47.000 I'm sorry to have to bring you down with something.
00:53:51.000 So she just gave us a bunch of warnings about misgendering people, and you think, okay, well, I got it.
00:53:55.000 I'm not going to let that happen, but it still happens.
00:53:57.000 For example, this woman who was talking to a sex activist who works with Boy Scouts, what?
00:54:08.000 Called him he.
00:54:10.000 Scout leaders apologized to a woman backed by J.K. Rowling, who was hounded for two years after inadvertently calling a bearded transgender scout leader he on social media.
00:54:22.000 Why is this?
00:54:22.000 So it turns out this guy's a sex activist.
00:54:25.000 Look at him.
00:54:25.000 That's what he is.
00:54:26.000 She called that a he.
00:54:29.000 Miss Forrester, who runs the group, Sex Matters, who has been praised by J.K. Rowling, said the complaint by Gregor Murray was vexatious.
00:54:38.000 So that guy's called Gregor Murray.
00:54:44.000 And she called him he.
00:54:46.000 Not Miss Forrester, though.
00:54:47.000 Miss Forrester must be the group that is angry at her, the lady, for doing it.
00:54:52.000 Let's see the lady. 1.00
00:54:53.000 So now the scouts are apologizing.
00:54:55.000 So that's, who's that lady? 1.00
00:54:57.000 Go down?
00:54:58.000 Maya Forstator.
00:55:00.000 Wait a minute.
00:55:02.000 She inadvertently called a bearded transgender man he.
00:55:04.000 Go up to the top?
00:55:05.000 Miss Forrester, who runs the group Sex Matters.
00:55:09.000 Oh, I get it.
00:55:10.000 She runs a group that says the pronouns thing is bullshit.
00:55:15.000 That's why they're attacking her.
00:55:18.000 So she's not just a random woman on the street. 0.83
00:55:20.000 She's someone who says that sex is real and you're male or female.
00:55:25.000 I got you.
00:55:26.000 And J.K. Rowling supports her.
00:55:28.000 And then this woman did something horrible. 1.00
00:55:30.000 She called that a he, which I'm inclined to be equally outraged.
00:55:34.000 That's not a he. 0.99
00:55:36.000 I agree.
00:55:38.000 That's his goal one day to make it to he.
00:55:42.000 Oh, is that him?
00:55:44.000 No, that's not him, is it?
00:55:46.000 Oh, my God.
00:55:49.000 How dare you see that as a he? 1.00
00:55:52.000 What a fucking joke.
00:55:53.000 So it gets to the point where I start feeling like an alien who's looking down at Earth trying to figure it out.
00:55:59.000 Like, look at 5B.
00:56:04.000 I don't dislike Earth.
00:56:05.000 I just am having trouble understanding these Earthlings.
00:56:08.000 I'm worried I'm going to get in trouble for my boss, Zorg, for failing this mission.
00:56:14.000 Danny's penile implant is about to burst.
00:56:17.000 There is beauty in the pain of a trans dad in labor that proves their love for their child.
00:56:22.000 Now, Ryan and I took the precautionary measure of spending hours researching this, and we are no farther ahead.
00:56:30.000 This is the best theory we can come up with.
00:56:33.000 So that's a woman with her tits cut off. 1.00
00:56:35.000 They gave her a burrito, that weird penis they give, where what it really does is it just takes a giant chunk of your thigh and it puts it over your piss hole. 1.00
00:56:45.000 So now your piss comes out of a cheese blitz.
00:56:48.000 If you're really ambitious, you can make it get a weird boner that doesn't feel good.
00:56:52.000 If you're really, really crazy, we'll burn a line around near the end, so that's your head.
00:56:59.000 Now, here's my theory.
00:57:00.000 That takes a splint or something in there to keep it straight, or maybe that's what extends.
00:57:07.000 Yeah, the splint must extend the piss hole from your piss hole to the end of the cheese blints. 1.00
00:57:14.000 The base of this blints, right, is still a functioning vagina. 1.00
00:57:23.000 I'm with you.
00:57:26.000 So while you're pushing a baby out, everything is getting stretched, including your blintz.
00:57:32.000 And to be clear, a cheese blintz is a Jewish treat that looks like a very thin burrito. 0.98
00:57:39.000 Not a very thin burrito, a slightly thin burrito.
00:57:42.000 And that's what's being ripped to shreds.
00:57:44.000 Yes.
00:57:45.000 Here's an image here, not safe for work, but it's not grotesque.
00:57:48.000 It's just a...
00:57:51.000 I guess that's the peehole at the end.
00:57:53.000 As long as it's backwards. 0.98
00:57:55.000 I don't know.
00:57:58.000 Imagine a slightly skinnier version of that, and that's what they get.
00:58:01.000 I'm not exaggerating.
00:58:05.000 And then we have this woman telling us that her baby's incredibly ill.
00:58:11.000 I mean, they're yummy to eat, don't get me wrong.
00:58:13.000 You just don't want one as an appendage.
00:58:18.000 Don't let a Jew blow you. 1.00
00:58:19.000 He might bite into it.
00:58:21.000 That's right.
00:58:23.000 Z might bite into it.
00:58:24.000 Z might put a raspberry on top and some confectionery.
00:58:28.000 But this is an oldie but a goodie.
00:58:29.000 We didn't get to it last week.
00:58:31.000 But here's a woman telling us her baby is very ill and may die.
00:58:37.000 Okay.
00:58:49.000 What?
01:00:59.000 a world in which children and women would have much more autonomy over the households in which they lived.
01:01:07.000 It sounds like one of those things that she's really hammered out her point in theory, but has no intentions of practicing it.
01:01:14.000 And when she does, I would love to have her on the show. 0.96
01:01:17.000 Don't you wish you could get in a time machine and talk to her at like 40?
01:01:21.000 So how'd it go?
01:01:23.000 How was your mission?
01:01:25.000 Really shitty.
01:01:37.000 Go back, go back.
01:01:38.000 The majority of rape and abuse is husbands and wives? 0.93
01:01:43.000 Site of the overwhelming majority of the men and women would have much more autonomy over the households in which they live.
01:01:53.000 It's feminists who have mounted an analysis of the private nuclear household as the site of the overwhelming majority of the rape and abuse. 1.00
01:02:03.000 So who gets raped more? 1.00
01:02:05.000 Married women at home or single sluts out being colostomy bags for strangers come their entire adult lives? 1.00
01:02:16.000 When are you more likely to get raped?
01:02:18.000 Just statistically, when you're with one man or thousands of men?
01:02:23.000 Well, when you dedicate yourself to a slutty lifestyle, you're kind of consenting.
01:02:30.000 Ah.
01:02:31.000 So that's not rape if you're not. 1.00
01:02:33.000 It's not rape if you don't have any standards.
01:02:35.000 Right.
01:02:37.000 All right.
01:02:38.000 Enough of that bullshit.
01:02:40.000 Jesus.
01:02:44.000 You want to pin these and I can follow along?
01:02:47.000 No.
01:02:49.000 That would be easy and quick.
01:02:50.000 I'm going to go all the way down.
01:02:56.000 So if I color them, it helps you?
01:02:58.000 Yes.
01:02:58.000 Okay, I'm going to make a purple one here.
01:03:00.000 It's called Drop for Ryan's screw-ups.
01:03:03.000 I think it's pretty good.
01:03:09.000 It was received yesterday?
01:03:14.000 Okay, here we go.
01:03:16.000 Drop for Ryan's screw dash ups. 0.90
01:03:20.000 Purple, like you told me to make it.
01:03:21.000 Okay, got it.
01:03:23.000 And here it is.
01:03:25.000 Okay.
01:03:28.000 This is me and you at work.
01:03:33.000 How do you fuck that up?
01:03:36.000 How do you fuck that up?
01:03:42.000 Interesting.
01:03:43.000 A little too close to home.
01:03:46.000 The next one down, world's greatest porn.
01:03:49.000 Someone is sending us gay porn.
01:03:52.000 This channel is guaranteed, spelled wrong, to give you a coconut smasher. 0.97
01:03:56.000 An 18-year-old, yum, solo in the woods, yummy yummy, with only hand tools, builds an amazing cabin over three years.
01:04:05.000 We'll be the judge of how amazing it is.
01:04:07.000 We're the porn experts over here.
01:04:10.000 And we are Gay for Men.
01:04:40.000 Pretty good.
01:04:41.000 Pretty good.
01:04:42.000 What's with the moss?
01:04:43.000 Oh, the moss is like the mortar.
01:04:48.000 It's all alone.
01:04:51.000 This is one of many.
01:04:53.000 You can see his progress.
01:04:57.000 Okay, go back.
01:04:58.000 I was about to come.
01:05:00.000 I'm going to come.
01:05:01.000 I'm going to come.
01:05:02.000 I come really hard.
01:05:04.000 Okay, let's do the 200 days.
01:05:05.000 Really hard.
01:05:07.000 Is that it?
01:05:07.000 No, the one that says I spent 200 days.
01:05:13.000 Okay.
01:05:15.000 I'm worried about the air underneath.
01:05:17.000 Doesn't that make it colder in the winter?
01:05:21.000 Like, trailers have to put up sort of sheets along the bottom where the wheels are because it brings up cold air.
01:05:29.000 Or maybe if you're in Switzerland, the snow just fills that up.
01:05:35.000 No chicks, huh? 1.00
01:05:37.000 Don't you get horny out there?
01:05:38.000 I'm sorry to interrupt porn with talks of sex, but.
01:05:50.000 I'm going to come.
01:05:56.000 Big rock.
01:05:57.000 We're waiting.
01:06:00.000 That's a biggie, dude.
01:06:04.000 Getting pretty ripped.
01:06:08.000 Okay, let's skip around a bit.
01:06:09.000 That's cool.
01:06:10.000 You're digging a hole.
01:06:12.000 Oh, you're making like a cellar.
01:06:16.000 I come really, really hard.
01:06:20.000 Whoa.
01:06:21.000 Oh, my God.
01:06:22.000 So that's his fridge, I guess.
01:06:26.000 Wow.
01:06:34.000 What's your plan, buddy?
01:06:36.000 Shelves?
01:06:43.000 I love him.
01:06:46.000 Oh, the roof is weird.
01:06:47.000 It's like Spanish.
01:06:49.000 This must be weird for people who are just listening to the audio.
01:06:52.000 Folks who are just listening to the audio are watching a man who built, what, no nails?
01:06:58.000 Who built a log cabin from scratch, and it's beautiful.
01:07:02.000 Gorgeous.
01:07:04.000 Gorgeous.
01:07:05.000 Absolutely gorgeous, my body.
01:07:09.000 He's treating it.
01:07:12.000 Treating it well.
01:07:14.000 So what does that do?
01:07:15.000 I don't know.
01:07:17.000 It gives it a cool color.
01:07:25.000 Maybe makes it all smooth.
01:07:30.000 Okay, we're getting sucked in here.
01:07:32.000 Yep.
01:07:33.000 Sucked off.
01:07:34.000 Story request, can I please get a retelling of Gavin's Best Dove story?
01:07:38.000 The story who is dying on thirst in China.
01:07:41.000 Okay, so I'm in China.
01:07:44.000 And I'm in the mainland.
01:07:45.000 We would go to Taiwan, but you could only be there for four months.
01:07:48.000 You had to go back to the mainland to renew your visa.
01:07:51.000 So I'm killing time, and I'm on a bus.
01:07:53.000 I think I'm near Shanghai.
01:07:56.000 And it was way longer of a bus ride.
01:08:00.000 I can't speak the fucking language, and there's no English anywhere.
01:08:02.000 So you just have to sort of wing it.
01:08:05.000 And I'm on this bus, and I'm dying of thirst.
01:08:08.000 And the guy next to me, we're together.
01:08:11.000 I think it was like a three-hour drive, a three-hour tour.
01:08:15.000 So I'm looking at him and we're sort of, hmm, hot, hot.
01:08:20.000 I knew thirsty is Sui Jiao.
01:08:22.000 So I kept going, oh, Sui Jiao. 0.86
01:08:24.000 And he goes, oh, oh, yeah, ooh, mm.
01:08:29.000 And we're both bitching and moaning about how thirsty we are.
01:08:33.000 And I think we got into like a mime thing where I had ice and I was pouring a glass of water and then plunk, plunk, plunk.
01:08:42.000 Yeah, they're not big on humor in China.
01:08:44.000 And they're like, he's like, oh.
01:08:48.000 And I was like, okay, yeah.
01:08:50.000 Handing him.
01:08:50.000 And he's like, ah.
01:08:52.000 So eventually, and this story isn't very good, by the way, we end up at some little small village that's off the beaten track.
01:09:01.000 Everywhere it looks depressing in China. 0.98
01:09:02.000 They put their mattresses outside, their sort of futons, outside all day to absorb the sunlight.
01:09:08.000 And then they put them back inside, hoping they'll retain the heat.
01:09:10.000 I'm not even sure that works.
01:09:12.000 Like, maybe it only works for an hour or so.
01:09:14.000 Maybe they're asleep by the time the heat trick wears off.
01:09:17.000 So it's a little town like that.
01:09:19.000 They sell these water bottles that look exactly like water bottles, but they're basically moonshine.
01:09:25.000 And one of the things they had in this, I wouldn't even call it a village.
01:09:28.000 It was just sort of like a pit stop with like a few homes, was a guy selling grilled corn.
01:09:35.000 Not boiled corn, grilled corn, hot corn.
01:09:38.000 And he hits me, goes, oh, oh.
01:09:39.000 And I get up and then he runs past me, runs out.
01:09:42.000 And then I'm like, what are we doing here?
01:09:45.000 I'm not hungry at all, by the way.
01:09:46.000 And he grabs the corn, he pays for it, and then he buys me when he's like, and then I just watch him go, oh, he just sinks his teeth into the corn.
01:09:58.000 And like, that was his Gatorade.
01:10:03.000 I don't want hot, salty corn when I'm dying of thirst.
01:10:07.000 And that was the day I realized that they are inexorably different than us.
01:10:13.000 They are not remotely the same.
01:10:15.000 They're not like they have a different language.
01:10:17.000 They have different tastes in music.
01:10:19.000 No, no, no, no.
01:10:20.000 Down to their very core, they are different than us.
01:10:24.000 And I would argue worse.
01:10:26.000 I mean, that guy I met was a nice guy, but his culture is inferior. 1.00
01:10:30.000 The West is the best.
01:10:31.000 The East sucks.
01:10:32.000 Get fired.
01:10:33.000 Get in trouble.
01:10:34.000 Be brave and never stop fighting.