Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - S04E72

00:00:04.000 My bitch a choose it lover, never fuck without a rubber.

00:00:07.000 Never in the sheets like it on top of the cover.

00:00:11.000 Money on the dresser, drive a compressor.

00:00:14.000 Live from New York, it's Get Off My Lawn with Kevin McKinnon.

00:00:20.000 Fucking up the game, get your kids, no love.

00:00:23.000 GB comes country, give it all that you got.

00:00:26.000 My dives wanna pop a bullet, been off the line.

00:00:30.000 Smashed up the gray one, ball me a red.

00:00:33.000 Every time we hit the parking lot, we turn head.

00:00:36.000 Some hoes wanna choose, but you bitches too scary.

00:00:39.000 Your bitch chose me, you ain't a pimp, you a fairy.

00:01:20.000 Now walk it out, walk it out.

00:01:22.000 Now walk it out, walk it out.

00:01:24.000 Now walk it out, walk it out.

00:01:25.000 Now walk it out, walk it out.

00:01:27.000 Now west I walk, that west out.

00:01:28.000 Now shout out walk, east side, walk it out.

00:01:33.000 Now hit the dance flow.

00:01:35.000 Hey, be your back, yo.

00:01:36.000 She do it with no hands.

00:01:38.000 Now stop popping, rollin'.

00:01:40.000 A smoking bubble hoe.

00:01:41.000 Yeah, they your trouble hoe.

00:01:43.000 I like the way she looks.

00:01:51.000 Hey guys, welcome to Girl Talk.

00:01:54.000 It's Censor TV's first girl-based show.

00:01:58.000 I have my girl Ryan here.

00:02:01.000 She's looking gorgeous.

00:02:02.000 Girl, you are looking way better.

00:02:04.000 Don't even.

00:02:05.000 Oh, I'm out of shape.

00:02:07.000 You basically just say that to make me feel better.

00:02:10.000 I don't feel cute in this fit at all.

00:02:12.000 You're cute.

00:02:13.000 Are you kidding me?

00:02:14.000 Really?

00:02:15.000 Yes.

00:02:16.000 I don't feel cute.

00:02:18.000 You look so cute.

00:02:21.000 Oh, my tits look like shit.

00:02:23.000 You're what?

00:02:24.000 My tits look like shit.

00:02:25.000 Your tits are insane.

00:02:27.000 They're perfect.

00:02:28.000 I don't know.

00:02:29.000 Oh, my God.

00:02:29.000 I would kill.

00:02:30.000 I might kill you for your tits and chop off your tits and put them on my tits.

00:02:35.000 You're so nice.

00:02:36.000 That's what I like about you, but you're also feisty.

00:02:39.000 This weekend at the bar, you were like, no, no, you're ugly.

00:02:42.000 No.

00:02:42.000 I was like, oh, my God, she's on a tear.

00:02:44.000 I was like, this is crazy.

00:02:45.000 Yeah, I was not having that.

00:02:46.000 That bitch was a hoe.

00:02:48.000 She was kind of a hoe.

00:02:49.000 She stuck ahead and bust a cap in her ass.

00:02:52.000 I think you did.

00:02:53.000 I shot that bitch.

00:02:54.000 Yeah.

00:02:55.000 I was so fucking wasted on Mamitos.

00:02:57.000 I'm not going to tell anybody.

00:02:58.000 Mojitos, I mean?

00:02:59.000 Girl, we have secret souls.

00:03:02.000 For life.

00:03:03.000 Forever.

00:03:04.000 Forever.

00:03:04.000 Swearsies.

00:03:05.000 Forever swearsies.

00:03:06.000 Forever.

00:03:06.000 Souf.

00:03:08.000 My eyelashes are already dead.

00:03:09.000 I'm such a stupid whore.

00:03:10.000 You don't even need them, though.

00:03:11.000 Like, yours are, like, naturally pretty great.

00:03:14.000 Like, mine look like garbage.

00:03:15.000 I'm pretty much shit.

00:03:17.000 You look like a super model.

00:03:19.000 Shut up.

00:03:19.000 I hate when you talk like that because it's insulting to ugly, fat bitches like me.

00:03:25.000 I guess you're right.

00:03:26.000 Well, not you, but like other bitches.

00:03:29.000 No, you're an 11.

00:03:31.000 I'm gay for you.

00:03:32.000 Like, I want to eat your pussy right now.

00:03:33.000 You're like a 19.

00:03:34.000 You're like a billion.

00:03:36.000 Not again.

00:03:37.000 Remember that night at Teds?

00:03:38.000 It was like so fucking trapped.

00:03:40.000 Jesus Christ.

00:03:42.000 That opening song was, of course, Girl Talk.

00:03:45.000 We have a fun show for you today.

00:03:46.000 All girl stuff all the time.

00:03:48.000 The whole show is Girl Talk.

00:03:51.000 All of it.

00:03:52.000 But you can't call in, unfortunately.

00:03:54.000 No.

00:03:55.000 You know, I was going to do this fun song by this super hot, hunky guy named Tom Cardi.

00:04:01.000 This was going to be the opening song, but we had to play Girl Talk on Girl Talk.

00:04:05.000 The opening guy was Girl Talk.

00:04:06.000 I think he's from Philly.

00:04:07.000 Tom Cardi?

00:04:08.000 What is he like the male Cardi B?

00:04:11.000 That's my kind of guy.

00:04:12.000 My roommate comes into the room looking for his car keys.

00:04:16.000 I don't say it yet.

00:04:18.000 Might dance again.

00:04:20.000 And when he gets me off the couch to check underneath the couch cushions, I don't say it yet.

00:04:28.000 And then when he says out loud, I wonder where my car keys are.

00:04:31.000 I still don't say it.

00:04:58.000 But the funniest thing to say is someone who's not a kid and is stressed out disabled.

00:05:02.000 When I say the best man, start to sweat.

00:05:06.000 If there's any guys out there watching right now, that's the kind of guy we like.

00:05:10.000 Talented, funny.

00:05:12.000 I love humor more than anything.

00:05:15.000 More than looks.

00:05:16.000 Be fun.

00:05:17.000 Just be fun.

00:05:18.000 Or a super boring guy.

00:05:21.000 Like, that's kind of fun too.

00:05:22.000 Because you can just do whatever you want with him.

00:05:24.000 I love it when guys...

00:05:26.000 I was on a dating site last night, as usual.

00:05:29.000 And there's so many guys who on their profile, they have fish.

00:05:34.000 Because I guess it's a picture they like.

00:05:37.000 And it's like dick pics, fish pics.

00:05:41.000 We don't care.

00:05:42.000 Stop sending those.

00:05:44.000 We literally care.

00:05:44.000 Girls don't want to see your dick, okay?

00:05:47.000 Stop sending us dick pics.

00:05:49.000 It always looks so gross.

00:05:51.000 Like, I'm into boners when I'm super horny, but just like when I'm with my mom at Starbucks and there's a giant boner on my phone, I'm like, ew.

00:05:59.000 It looks like a worm.

00:06:01.000 It does.

00:06:02.000 You have to be super horny.

00:06:03.000 It's like cum.

00:06:05.000 Like, I could swallow if I'm in the throes of passion, but if someone was like, oh, hi, are you enjoying that pineapple?

00:06:11.000 Just try this glass of cum.

00:06:12.000 I'd be like, I'm going to bar right now.

00:06:14.000 Yeah.

00:06:14.000 Even if you put one drop, I would just like know it's there.

00:06:17.000 I'd go.

00:06:18.000 I'd puke.

00:06:19.000 I'd spit, puke, maybe even fart.

00:06:22.000 It's funny, too, because the other day I licked a guy's ass.

00:06:25.000 Oh, that's like not a big deal.

00:06:27.000 I know, but I thought I'm so picky with eating.

00:06:30.000 Right, that's true.

00:06:31.000 And then here I am, like, tonguing a guy.

00:06:33.000 Wow.

00:06:34.000 Jack Murphy.

00:06:35.000 Like, really well.

00:06:38.000 Show those fish pics, though.

00:06:40.000 Yes.

00:06:42.000 This is insane.

00:06:43.000 Show us your fish.

00:06:45.000 Oh, you went fishing.

00:06:46.000 Fun.

00:06:46.000 I care.

00:06:47.000 This is one of the better fish.

00:06:49.000 Fish that I've seen.

00:06:50.000 It's long, it's shiny.

00:06:51.000 It's translucent.

00:06:52.000 It looks like a precious gem.

00:06:54.000 I really like your fish.

00:06:56.000 This one looks funny.

00:06:57.000 I don't think it was a flowering picture of you or of your fish.

00:07:00.000 I wish you would have chosen a different angle.

00:07:03.000 I hate this fish.

00:07:05.000 This is the worst fish I've ever seen.

00:07:09.000 I hate your fish so much.

00:07:12.000 Too small of a fish.

00:07:14.000 You got two fish, so that's pretty cool.

00:07:17.000 I wish you didn't look like that.

00:07:19.000 So scared, but good job for two fish.

00:07:22.000 This one confuses me because the body of water where you got the fish is not visible.

00:07:28.000 So I'm mostly just confused, but it is a nice fish.

00:07:32.000 I like this fish a lot.

00:07:34.000 Very long, very slender.

00:07:35.000 Her voice, I can't.

00:07:36.000 How do you do that?

00:07:37.000 I seriously cannot right now.

00:07:38.000 I think like that.

00:07:40.000 Do you like muscle guys?

00:07:42.000 Me?

00:07:43.000 Yeah.

00:07:43.000 Yeah, I have lots of guys.

00:07:44.000 Because that last guy was super muscly.

00:07:46.000 He was pretty muscly.

00:07:47.000 I say I don't like it, but then when I have it, I'm like, yum.

00:07:50.000 Sometimes I go to the gym just to like barely do like lat pull downs and then like wear yoga pants and then like I'll leave without breaking a sweat and just be on my phone taking pictures of myself without shame.

00:08:01.000 You know what I just realized?

00:08:02.000 Yes.

00:08:03.000 I say I like, I hate muscular guys and I don't care about your fish and I hate normies and I like funny nerds.

00:08:09.000 But when it comes to getting fucked, I actually like the guys with the fish and the muscles.

00:08:13.000 Yeah, the nerdy guys.

00:08:14.000 And the funny guy can go fuck himself.

00:08:16.000 The nerdy guy who like has a friend who can get you in the like loco is like.

00:08:21.000 You know what's weird is those guys are more rapey than like muscular guys.

00:08:25.000 Yeah.

00:08:26.000 Like in movies, all the bad rape guys are jocks that are super muscular, but in real life, it's like the beta males that fuck you when you're passed out drunk.

00:08:33.000 Because those little guys have to like take what they can get.

00:08:36.000 Yeah.

00:08:37.000 And they're like scavengers.

00:08:38.000 They're like, well, I'm a here, so it's like.

00:08:40.000 Yeah, the guy in the football team, he can just fucking fuck me whenever he wants to.

00:08:45.000 True.

00:08:45.000 Sometimes he's just like...

00:08:47.000 My huge fat pussy.

00:08:49.000 I have a fat pussy too, so so.

00:08:51.000 What do you got there?

00:08:52.000 I don't know.

00:08:53.000 Something's in my...

00:08:53.000 Is it grody, gross, or sick?

00:08:56.000 It's like a weird barrette.

00:08:57.000 Anyway, were you done with the fish, lady?

00:09:00.000 I think so.

00:09:01.000 Oh, no.

00:09:01.000 You know what that sound is.

00:09:03.000 Uh-oh, a hego face.

00:09:12.000 That was fun.

00:09:15.000 This happens to me all the time, and I thought it was such a great example of the bummer of internet dating.

00:09:21.000 When you come across your ex.

00:09:24.000 Ew.

00:09:26.000 I hate when I'm drunk and my phone is in my hand and I accidentally come across.

00:09:30.000 I'm like, please take me back.

00:09:32.000 Oh, you know what the worst is?

00:09:34.000 You're looking at your ex's inside.

00:09:36.000 Oh, you are the worst.

00:09:37.000 Did you do that?

00:09:40.000 One time I got a text from my ex and he was like, I miss you too.

00:09:43.000 And I was like, what the fuck is he talking about?

00:09:46.000 And then I looked up and I texted him that when I was shithed.

00:09:49.000 Oh, no.

00:09:50.000 And I was like, ew, I'm such a slut.

00:09:54.000 Ew.

00:09:54.000 Literally same.

00:09:55.000 You know what the worst is when you're lurking on their Instagram page and you accidentally hit the heart.

00:10:00.000 You're like, ew, what did I just do?

00:10:01.000 Oh, no, no, no.

00:10:02.000 And you want to erase it so bad?

00:10:04.000 Yeah, I want to erase myself.

00:10:06.000 I wish myself was erase.

00:10:07.000 I would have to text you like, glad you like the pitch.

00:10:10.000 Yeah, double taps it, daps back.

00:10:13.000 Anyway, look at this chick discovering her ex.

00:10:16.000 Turn it up.

00:10:18.000 Awkward moment when you find your man on Tinder.

00:10:22.000 And he likes movies.

00:10:24.000 He falls asleep whenever he watches one.

00:10:26.000 Tattoos, he has two.

00:10:28.000 Traveling, he's like has social anxiety, so he doesn't do that.

00:10:32.000 Reading, he can't even spell.

00:10:35.000 Sports, I've never seen him watch.

00:10:38.000 You don't need to spell to read, though, to be fair.

00:10:40.000 A game in my life.

00:10:43.000 Smoke buddy.

00:10:44.000 Weird.

00:10:45.000 Liar, Tez is a liar.

00:10:47.000 You can kind of tell she's fat, right?

00:10:48.000 And it's not just because that guy's black.

00:10:50.000 And he likes movies.

00:10:52.000 She's kind of fat, right?

00:10:53.000 Whenever he watches one of those things.

00:10:54.000 Yes.

00:10:55.000 That's a fat thumb.

00:10:57.000 Sorry, girl.

00:10:58.000 She's fat.

00:10:59.000 Hit the gym, do the pulldowns, do nothing but take pictures of yourself.

00:11:02.000 That's why your man isn't faithful to you because you're a fat bitch.

00:11:06.000 I could totally get with that guy.

00:11:07.000 Girl, stop being so fat.

00:11:10.000 Speaking of fat bitches, that girl who is weirdly hot from 90 Day Fiancé, the Texan who has all kinds of diseases, who thinks she's a lesbian.

00:11:19.000 She's got some immune efficiency, deficiency thing.

00:11:22.000 She was making like $100,000 selling farts, which I would do in a heartbeat, girl.

00:11:26.000 It's clearly fake.

00:11:28.000 Big brain move.

00:11:29.000 You know what you do?

00:11:30.000 You take fart spray, just go use up the whole thing.

00:11:35.000 The whole sprayer.

00:11:36.000 I mean, you could do 10,000 jars with one can.

00:11:39.000 Yeah, I think those are pretty cheap.

00:11:40.000 I mean, how often do you have a stinky fart?

00:11:43.000 I have a stinky fart like once every four days.

00:11:46.000 Well, I eat at Fogo de Chow a lot.

00:11:48.000 You have what?

00:11:49.000 COVID?

00:11:50.000 I eat at Fogo de Chow a lot.

00:11:52.000 Oh, so it's like Fogo de Blau at my ass.

00:11:55.000 90 Day Fiancé star retires from selling farts after a heart attack scare.

00:11:59.000 Who?

00:11:59.000 Oh.

00:12:00.000 So she was, you know, like lightning in a bottle, people say?

00:12:04.000 She had fart lightning in a bottle.

00:12:07.000 Let's hear her explain it.

00:12:10.000 I'm totally at for this, by the way, girls.

00:12:13.000 Get it.

00:12:13.000 Get your money.

00:12:14.000 We both have OnlyFans.

00:12:15.000 Definitely get your money.

00:12:16.000 And go to our OnlyFans if you want to see us put stuff up our ass, like cucumber.

00:12:20.000 And vaginers, too.

00:12:21.000 And vagina.

00:12:22.000 We'll blow like a parrot.

00:12:24.000 I'll eat a lollipop two hours until I get like the money coming in.

00:12:30.000 I was blowing a carrot for one client and it made me puke.

00:12:34.000 Oh, really?

00:12:35.000 Anyway, let's get back to the news.

00:12:36.000 Yes.

00:12:37.000 Farts.

00:12:37.000 Excuse us.

00:12:38.000 $1,000 in one week selling my jars of farts.

00:12:41.000 $50,000 in a bar.

00:12:42.000 And ever since my last TikTok went farmers, I've been asking a lot of questions such as, how long do the farts last?

00:12:48.000 Did I really fart 97 times in two days?

00:12:51.000 Who buys my farts and why?

00:12:53.000 And what are some of my tips and tricks?

00:12:58.000 So the first question I get asked a Lot is how long do the farts last?

00:13:03.000 And the smell is most prominent for the first two days, but as I like to say, one whiff makes memories that last a lifetime.

00:13:11.000 Now, why do people buy my farts in a jar?

00:13:15.000 I honestly think it's because I have a really good personality and also because I'm hot.

00:13:21.000 Now, what are some of my fart selling tips and tricks?

00:13:24.000 Number one, don't eat fiber one bars.

00:13:27.000 You might think it's the easy way out, but there is nothing easy about it on its way.

00:13:32.000 Do you remember her?

00:13:33.000 Do you know what I mean?

00:13:34.000 Yeah, she's.

00:13:35.000 Don't push yourself too hard.

00:13:36.000 She was the one who went to Australia with that ugly lesbian who was a fat bitch and she didn't put out.

00:13:42.000 I know.

00:13:43.000 She was nice.

00:13:44.000 She was...

00:13:45.000 That girl there isn't a lesbian.

00:13:47.000 She just wanted to be on TV and she wasted that poor dyke's time.

00:13:52.000 Sad.

00:13:53.000 I would never.

00:13:54.000 Push yourself too hard.

00:13:55.000 Yep, Kapoo will come out.

00:13:57.000 Too hard, literally and figuratively.

00:13:59.000 Just have fun and don't let people judge you or get you down.

00:14:03.000 It's a business.

00:14:04.000 You're making money and it's not hurting anyone.

00:14:06.000 You know what?

00:14:07.000 We should do a green screen.

00:14:08.000 Oh, yeah?

00:14:09.000 Yeah.

00:14:10.000 Okay.

00:14:11.000 I'm going to walk over there.

00:14:13.000 You play girl talk or whatever.

00:14:14.000 Sure, sure.

00:14:15.000 And we'll, because I don't know if this is 90 Day Fiancé, but this is a TLC show where it guides into a super hot midget.

00:14:22.000 Oh, sick.

00:14:22.000 And it's like, no.

00:14:25.000 Like online, if you guys are just like, I'm diddling my bean to you on like a sex chat, a super chat, a chatster bait, then maybe.

00:14:35.000 But like, I'm sorry.

00:14:38.000 I'm not a snob, but you can't date a girl.

00:14:40.000 Yeah, bye.

00:14:40.000 A hot midget.

00:14:42.000 Sorry.

00:14:43.000 You say bye to them, you say bye.

00:14:44.000 Yeah, like we work so hard getting many petties, and then you're, you have club feet.

00:14:50.000 No.

00:15:09.000 You know we popping champagne.

00:15:12.000 Okay, so this is a guy who likes a hot chick who's only hot here.

00:15:20.000 Let's roll the tape.

00:15:22.000 What's the show?

00:15:25.000 Next Russian model.

00:15:28.000 Turn it up.

00:15:29.000 I can't hear shit.

00:15:31.000 So we're going to meet in Turkey and spend two weeks together.

00:15:34.000 I miss you.

00:15:35.000 Can't wait to hold you and hut you.

00:15:39.000 So be prepared, okay?

00:15:42.000 Alina and I have a deep emotional connection, which makes it easy to look past, well, what other people would say is a massive difference between us.

00:15:52.000 Okay, what's the difference?

00:15:54.000 She's a Pisces.

00:15:55.000 You're Sagittarius?

00:15:56.000 That is pretty big.

00:15:57.000 Or is she brutally deformed?

00:16:02.000 Very pretty girl.

00:16:04.000 Nose is kind of big.

00:16:08.000 Oh my god.

00:16:09.000 That's right.

00:16:10.000 But she has to shit?

00:16:12.000 Is she squatting?

00:16:14.000 That's her.

00:16:15.000 Like, super hot.

00:16:16.000 Great tits.

00:16:18.000 But sorry, no.

00:16:20.000 Those little duck feet?

00:16:22.000 Yes.

00:16:23.000 Those are literally Scrooge McDuck's toes.

00:16:26.000 And her hands are fucked up too.

00:16:28.000 I'm Alina.

00:16:29.000 I'm 27 years old and I'm from St. Petersburg, Russia.

00:16:34.000 I'm a pretty active, energetic, and fun person.

00:16:39.000 Recently, I got very interested in burlesque because it shows that in different bodies, you can feel it.

00:16:45.000 That's like stripping for fat girls.

00:16:47.000 Still feel beautiful.

00:16:49.000 Not you.

00:16:51.000 Burlesque.

00:16:54.000 Can you turn it up?

00:16:54.000 I can't hear anything.

00:17:00.000 My condition is called diastrophic dysplasia.

00:17:03.000 It's a form of dwarfism.

00:17:05.000 It's rare and it affects everybody differently.

00:17:09.000 For a child to be born with this type of dwarfism, both parents have to be carriers of the gene.

00:17:17.000 It can affect your joints.

00:17:18.000 Okay, wait a second.

00:17:19.000 Stop.

00:17:20.000 So if her mother and her father are both dwarfs, is it ethical that they made a baby?

00:17:26.000 You know what I mean?

00:17:27.000 I'm not saying yes or no.

00:17:29.000 Oh my God, I got to send you this thing.

00:17:31.000 You know the retard test they do when you're pregnant?

00:17:34.000 Yes.

00:17:36.000 It's wrong like I want to say 20% of the time.

00:17:42.000 That's a lot.

00:17:43.000 Yeah.

00:17:44.000 Remember our friend whose baby was going to be retarded and he was all freaked out about it and he said, I'm pro-life, but this is really putting me to the test.

00:17:51.000 And we said, you got to keep it.

00:17:53.000 You know who I'm talking about?

00:17:54.000 Yeah.

00:17:55.000 And then she comes out and she's perfectly normal.

00:17:58.000 He almost killed that baby.

00:17:59.000 Scary.

00:18:00.000 So how many tens of thousands of dead babies are there murdered because someone thought they might be retarded, but they weren't?

00:18:08.000 Like, that's a fucking horror movie.

00:18:10.000 But it's also like all the abortions I've got, like, like, probably a lot of them were retarded.

00:18:15.000 Or probably a lot of them weren't.

00:18:16.000 I know a lot of them looked like they were retarded because you're Asian.

00:18:20.000 And also my exes are dumb.

00:18:24.000 And you're a stupid bitch, too, if you're honest with yourself.

00:18:27.000 Come on, girl.

00:18:28.000 We're both jitzes.

00:18:29.000 When did we last read a book?

00:18:30.000 Like, never o'clock?

00:18:32.000 Never a go o'clock.

00:18:33.000 Oh, this is 90 Day Fiancé 2.

00:18:35.000 Oh.

00:18:36.000 So here's the deal, guys.

00:18:38.000 If you want to get a mail-order bride, you can get a super fucking hot one that's way out of your league.

00:18:45.000 You don't need Scrooge McDuck feet.

00:18:48.000 But it helps.

00:18:49.000 Speaking of feet, I'm having a bit of trouble standing this long.

00:18:53.000 So what does she get?

00:18:53.000 Does she get a go-girl or a um no?

00:18:57.000 Sorry, no.

00:18:57.000 Like, I'm just being honest.

00:18:59.000 If I was there with her, I'd be like, you go, girl, you look so beautiful.

00:19:02.000 Oh my God, I'm dying.

00:19:03.000 I wish I had funny toes.

00:19:05.000 But just us girls shooting the shit, I'm puking right now.

00:19:10.000 I'm going with a sorry bitch.

00:19:12.000 Yeah.

00:19:12.000 Boy, this guy really loves blowjobs.

00:19:15.000 Your joints and, of course, your stature.

00:19:19.000 My stature is fine.

00:19:21.000 It's not that you're short, you're deformed.

00:19:24.000 Look pretty different, too.

00:19:26.000 So this guy just loves blowjobs and tit fucking and doesn't care about anything else.

00:19:31.000 I try to do everything, really.

00:19:35.000 I also have a band called BFF Band.

00:19:39.000 Best Friends Forever.

00:19:41.000 Oh, a band.

00:19:44.000 Which consists of my friends Asia and Elijah, my friend who I live with.

00:20:03.000 My pussy got vibe that she said?

00:20:06.000 My pussy got Wi-Fi?

00:20:08.000 We call it Pink Tooth.

00:20:10.000 I guess in Russia, like having Wi-Fi is crazy.

00:20:15.000 Those two friends are in for like the longest make-a-wish ever.

00:20:18.000 They're like, are we done?

00:20:21.000 Look at her.

00:20:21.000 She's super hot.

00:20:23.000 But there's life outside of, what do they call it?

00:20:26.000 The metaverse?

00:20:27.000 Yeah.

00:20:27.000 Like, I'm sure on chats, I'm sure on Zoom, you're spilling barrels full of jizz.

00:20:33.000 But in reality, I don't think the guys could get it up.

00:20:37.000 Yeah.

00:20:37.000 Like, audition for Howard the Duck for sure, but like.

00:20:41.000 He's Howard the Duck's hot girlfriend.

00:20:50.000 Okay, so anyway, we got more videos of this.

00:20:53.000 They meet.

00:20:55.000 Oh my god, my feet.

00:20:58.000 Girl.

00:20:59.000 That's why we're so angry all the time because we literally have to wear the worst things ever.

00:21:03.000 Like we literally are suffering to be hot for you.

00:21:07.000 So you better appreciate this, boys.

00:21:11.000 What's up, bro?

00:21:13.000 Dude, thanks so much for the run.

00:21:14.000 One last chance to talk him out of this.

00:21:16.000 Yeah, we're going to the airport.

00:21:19.000 So, you know what you're in for in Turkey?

00:21:22.000 Dude, I'm sure we'll hit it off.

00:21:23.000 We've got to.

00:21:24.000 You know, we've talked for so long.

00:21:25.000 Yeah.

00:21:26.000 The only thing would be if it's just weird in person.

00:21:33.000 I think it's crazy.

00:21:34.000 It's wild that he's going to go travel so far just to meet this girl.

00:21:37.000 He looks like a rapper guy.

00:21:40.000 I think it's crazy.

00:21:41.000 It's wild that he's going to go.

00:21:43.000 You know the guy with curly hair?

00:21:45.000 Pass Malone.

00:21:47.000 Not Post Malone, the other guy.

00:21:49.000 Sheesh.

00:21:50.000 I know literally every rapper, but I can only think of Matt and him one day.

00:21:54.000 Anyway, travel so far just to meet this girl.

00:21:57.000 I feel like it might not work out too well as Alina and him are very different when it comes to physical compatibility.

00:22:04.000 That's one way.

00:22:05.000 But I feel like Caleb's expectations are pretty high.

00:22:07.000 He seems real committed to it, so hopefully it doesn't come around and vitamins.

00:22:10.000 You know, the owner of this company censored Gavin McInnes, he went on a date with a girl that misled him and didn't mention the fact that she had Grover legs.

00:22:19.000 Asian girl.

00:22:20.000 Guilty.

00:22:21.000 She ended up taking her shirt off, sticking her phone in her bra, and saying blowjobs are really easy.

00:22:26.000 I thought I was bad for lying, like taking 20 pounds off of my weight on my profile.

00:22:31.000 She took, she was like 40 pounds lighter than I thought because her legs were strings.

00:22:37.000 I mean, then he thought, then Gavin thought.

00:22:39.000 I'm not Gavin, I'm a girl.

00:22:40.000 Right.

00:22:41.000 I'm a lady.

00:22:42.000 I'm a lady.

00:22:43.000 My pronouns are she, her, herself, hers.

00:22:48.000 I'm Julie, they, them, and I'm Kim.

00:22:50.000 She, her.

00:22:54.000 Uh, no.

00:22:57.000 Sorry.

00:22:59.000 Deal breaker.

00:23:03.000 Like, it's one thing to be open-minded and to date a girl with, like, a giant birthmark.

00:23:07.000 That's kind of cool.

00:23:08.000 Or an albino, or the one they have that cow skin, you know, where they're all patchy.

00:23:12.000 Yeah, like every gap model that nowadays?

00:23:15.000 Yeah.

00:23:15.000 That's kind of open-minded of you.

00:23:17.000 This isn't open-minded.

00:23:19.000 This is like a bizarre fetish.

00:23:21.000 It's true.

00:23:22.000 So nervous sometimes that I think I'm gonna throw up.

00:23:25.000 Like, I don't know.

00:23:27.000 You know, when guys fall for you doing the duck face, wait till you see duck body.

00:23:34.000 But also happy.

00:23:54.000 Like, what if the girl was totally normal, but she just had one hand like that?

00:23:57.000 You'd still go, oh, fuck.

00:24:00.000 This is two arms, two legs, two feet, two hands.

00:24:04.000 Sorry.

00:24:06.000 This is like that girl that still looks like she's eight.

00:24:08.000 Sorry, you're undateable.

00:24:11.000 If someone's attracted to you, you should be bummed out and be like, oh, great, a pervert.

00:24:17.000 That's the situation you're in.

00:24:28.000 This is your only kick at the can, by the way.

00:24:30.000 You're not going to have anyone else.

00:24:33.000 It sounds like such a bitch.

00:24:36.000 I'm sorry.

00:24:36.000 I'm just being real with you.

00:24:39.000 Right?

00:24:40.000 This show, Girl Talk, let me explain.

00:24:42.000 Girl Talk, we talk to you the way we talk when we're alone.

00:24:45.000 And I'm sorry, when women are alone, we're bitches.

00:24:49.000 Mm-hmm.

00:24:50.000 So true.

00:24:51.000 Yes, 100%.

00:24:52.000 Go girl, Slay Queen.

00:24:53.000 Yes, Queen.

00:24:57.000 Are you ready?

00:25:04.000 Taking a shot at Happily Ever After with Alina.

00:25:07.000 He looks like Josh Lacache.

00:25:09.000 A little bit.

00:25:11.000 Taking a shot at Happily Ever After with Alina.

00:25:14.000 It's a little nerve-wracking, but I see the potential of what Alina and I can be and how great a person she is.

00:25:23.000 Sorry.

00:25:24.000 No.

00:25:25.000 Bye.

00:25:26.000 Bye.

00:25:28.000 Inside, my heart is beating fast.

00:25:32.000 Oh, the delusion is painful.

00:25:35.000 The heartbeating fasting might be some sort of symptom of the overall.

00:25:39.000 Well, do you kind of get the vibe that this is it?

00:25:42.000 Like, how many guys...

00:25:43.000 He's hot.

00:25:44.000 I mean, it's not my type, but he's like a 7.8.

00:25:48.000 She's like a 1.

00:25:49.000 So how many times is a 1 gonna get a 7.8?

00:25:53.000 You know, it's kind of like Shark Tank, where like this is her like.

00:25:57.000 She's gonna get way more dates.

00:25:59.000 This is it.

00:25:59.000 Oh, I see what you're saying.

00:26:00.000 Yeah.

00:26:01.000 But also, like Shark Tank, you have one chance, and then if the sharks say no, you gotta go.

00:26:05.000 It'd be cool if it was like a dating show, but it was Shark Tank, and she stood in front of all the guys, and they were like, I'm out.

00:26:11.000 And she's like trying to pitch herself, but they're like, Yeah, I'm not in.

00:26:14.000 I'm out.

00:26:17.000 Huge spectrum of emotions.

00:26:19.000 Tuna tank.

00:26:20.000 That's the way it is in modeling.

00:26:21.000 Like I modeled a little bit when I was younger.

00:26:24.000 And you go up there, it's some gay dude, and he looks at you and he goes, too fat, bye.

00:26:28.000 And you have to like take your book and turn around.

00:26:30.000 Or he'll be like, your eyes are way too far apart.

00:26:32.000 Or when I was modeling, the thing in New York was like super skinny, Russian, and your eyes had to be like a hammerhead shark.

00:26:39.000 You had to look like the monster chick from Splice.

00:26:42.000 And everyone else was like, no.

00:26:44.000 And I've got a bit of a booty.

00:26:46.000 And that was not popular back then.

00:26:47.000 This is the early aughts.

00:26:49.000 They don't want booty.

00:26:50.000 They want Russian.

00:26:51.000 They want alien face.

00:26:53.000 Anyway, keep going.

00:26:54.000 I don't want Caleb to see me just as a little person.

00:26:58.000 I'm more than that.

00:27:00.000 And I feel that Caleb and I. So I hope this is the beginning of something amazing and unforgettable for both of us.

00:27:13.000 Where does she get shoes?

00:27:15.000 It's happening.

00:27:16.000 Here we go.

00:27:18.000 You fucked up, dude.

00:27:20.000 I've been dreaming about this moment.

00:27:22.000 There's 3.5 billion women in the world.

00:27:26.000 You chose one of the worst.

00:27:30.000 You know, it'd be sad if she doesn't put out right away?

00:27:32.000 And then he's like, well, what the f- I mean, like, there's nothing here.

00:27:35.000 It's like she got in the transporter pod from the fly, and there was a tadpole in there.

00:27:41.000 She's a gollywog.

00:27:44.000 That doesn't make sense, but it sounds good.

00:27:49.000 Instead of the fly too.

00:27:50.000 Look at that guy.

00:27:51.000 See, that makes a lot more sense.

00:27:53.000 He's like an ugly Jewish guy, and he couldn't get anyone like me here.

00:27:57.000 So you go to like Colombia, and you do pretty good.

00:28:01.000 This makes sense.

00:28:02.000 But having Josh LaCash go to fucking Russia for a one?

00:28:06.000 Hello?

00:28:07.000 I'm sure there's tons of hot Russian chicks going.

00:28:10.000 What about me?

00:28:11.000 I'll suck you.

00:28:14.000 Okay, so this is them meeting.

00:28:17.000 Oh, let's do a hi.

00:28:23.000 Yuck.

00:28:24.000 And then they have the mask.

00:28:25.000 That's her only good feature.

00:28:27.000 And she has to hide it while her tits help.

00:28:29.000 Great.

00:28:29.000 I would kill for those tits, P.S. Oh, hi.

00:28:34.000 I didn't know you were a midget.

00:28:36.000 You look different than the Zoom calls.

00:28:39.000 I didn't recognize you.

00:28:42.000 Hi.

00:28:43.000 Hi, I'm still gonna hug you.

00:28:46.000 Awkward cringe.

00:28:50.000 Oh, hi.

00:28:51.000 Hello.

00:28:54.000 This is really embarrassing, you guys.

00:28:57.000 I can't believe you're real.

00:28:59.000 The level of pretending that we're all capable of, it's just...

00:29:03.000 It's like when we pretended Alec Weck was a supermodel.

00:29:06.000 I'll talk eye to eye.

00:29:07.000 Okay.

00:29:08.000 Eye to eye.

00:29:09.000 Eye to eye.

00:29:10.000 I can't hear shit.

00:29:12.000 Show me your face.

00:29:14.000 So make sure it's really you.

00:29:16.000 Hi.

00:29:17.000 It's really you.

00:29:19.000 It's really me.

00:29:20.000 Check this out.

00:29:20.000 Let's see your face.

00:29:21.000 He's scared.

00:29:25.000 Don't be.

00:29:27.000 Hold on.

00:29:28.000 Don't be.

00:29:28.000 You've already seen the worst.

00:29:31.000 Hi.

00:29:32.000 Hey.

00:29:33.000 Hey.

00:29:34.000 Oh, you look great.

00:29:35.000 Thank you.

00:29:36.000 Thank you.

00:29:37.000 Beautiful.

00:29:37.000 Thank you.

00:29:38.000 Oh, my gosh.

00:29:40.000 Listen.

00:29:42.000 It's kind of surreal seeing you in person.

00:29:45.000 I mean, I've known you for a long time.

00:29:47.000 I think you look great, but you're smaller than I thought.

00:29:57.000 Imagine, like, the worst thing you could say to me if we met on Zoom or whatever they were on, some chat, and you went, oh, you're fatter than I thought you'd be.

00:30:09.000 If I'm a midget and you say, you're shorter than I thought, I'm like, I'm three feet tall.

00:30:16.000 Ouch.

00:30:18.000 Oh.

00:30:19.000 Is it weird for you?

00:30:22.000 It's different.

00:30:24.000 Yeah.

00:30:24.000 It sucks.

00:30:25.000 I just thought of something for the first time.

00:30:28.000 Maybe he's like the biggest imbecile in America.

00:30:32.000 Like the stupidest guy we have.

00:30:34.000 And his brain is so shitty at its job that he was like, yeah, I guess she's a midget, but she's so pretty in the tits.

00:30:41.000 And the midget thing, I don't really care because I don't see it on the screen.

00:30:45.000 And then it's in real life, it finally hits him.

00:30:47.000 Oh, shit.

00:30:49.000 Your head and your tits are not 100% of your body.

00:30:55.000 And everything that can go wrong with the rest of it has gone wrong.

00:30:59.000 Do you feel weird pushing me?

00:31:01.000 I feel tired.

00:31:02.000 My left arm is about to die.

00:31:04.000 I can give you complaints.

00:31:05.000 And we've been together for one minute.

00:31:07.000 It's like, I can't go upstairs, you fuck.

00:31:09.000 Okay, so stop complaining about your fucking arm.

00:31:11.000 Wow, you're really small, and it's really tiring carrying your shit around.

00:31:16.000 Yeah, I can't get in the bathroom.

00:31:17.000 That's kind of the deal.

00:31:19.000 You probably could have figured this out if you just sat in a chair and thought about it for two seconds.

00:31:23.000 Eating French fries is hard for me because I have low dexterity.

00:31:27.000 So, but yeah, go you go ahead.

00:31:29.000 About you?

00:31:30.000 Can you learn to be a leathersmith and maybe make me gloves and shoes?

00:31:35.000 Yeah, you can push me around.

00:31:38.000 Just pull that anywhere.

00:31:43.000 Did he just like make a joke?

00:31:44.000 Just put that anywhere like as if she can move it.

00:31:49.000 Just pull that anywhere.

00:31:51.000 I don't get his joke.

00:31:53.000 But you're gonna do this a lot.

00:31:54.000 He's in a bad mood.

00:31:55.000 Yeah.

00:31:56.000 During this couple of weeks.

00:31:58.000 You got it.

00:32:01.000 I feel a bit bad.

00:32:03.000 Stuff falls down.

00:32:05.000 My wheelchair is spinning.

00:32:07.000 And I'm just thinking, oh my god, maybe he's gonna think that it's always gonna be so difficult and hard with me and my wheelchair.

00:32:16.000 This is not the best first impression.

00:32:18.000 Okay, hold on.

00:32:23.000 So, look.

00:32:24.000 Wait a minute, you can walk?

00:32:27.000 Why the fuck was I pushing down?

00:32:30.000 Like that?

00:32:31.000 Yeah, yeah, kind of.

00:32:32.000 And then it goes in the back?

00:32:33.000 Yeah.

00:32:34.000 No, it goes in the driver's seat.

00:32:36.000 Can you?

00:32:37.000 See, he's an idiot.

00:32:38.000 Then it goes in the back.

00:32:40.000 No, no.

00:32:41.000 Now we just put it in our mouth like a squirrel.

00:32:43.000 Did he pick it up all high to look strong?

00:32:45.000 Can you?

00:32:46.000 Like, you don't need to lift it that high.

00:32:47.000 Yeah.

00:32:49.000 He's like an eight-year-old with Down syndrome.

00:32:51.000 I'm strong.

00:32:53.000 And in the past, online, it's mainly just her waist up.

00:32:57.000 So it's really jarring to see her in comparison to my own size.

00:33:02.000 Easy.

00:33:03.000 So talented.

00:33:04.000 Come on.

00:33:06.000 But I feel like I just need some time to adjust to being with a little person.

00:33:11.000 And then Chemerstry will fly back.

00:33:14.000 Fly back.

00:33:15.000 Did you hear that?

00:33:18.000 That was way worse than I thought it would be, guys.

00:33:21.000 That was a Freudian slip.

00:33:25.000 Play the song.

00:33:26.000 Oops.

00:33:42.000 I know girl talk is kind of tacky and we're supposed to like Drake and Kanye or whatever, but can I confess something to you guys?

00:33:51.000 When I'm skiing or snowboarding or whatever, I listen to girl talk.

00:33:56.000 I'm sorry.

00:33:58.000 It just gets you so pumped.

00:34:00.000 It's fine.

00:34:02.000 It's like, it's fun.

00:34:05.000 Okay, that was a great time.

00:34:08.000 Ah, God, this hair is really takes some getting used to.

00:34:13.000 But I've had it for years, so I don't know what I'm talking about.

00:34:15.000 I'm being crazy, you guys.

00:34:16.000 I'm being crazy again.

00:34:19.000 Crazy bitches.

00:34:20.000 You're acting like a tall guy with poor judgment online who has just seen his woman and your hair is a midget.

00:34:26.000 My arm's tired pushing you around.

00:34:29.000 You're way fucking smaller than I thought, and that's already pretty small.

00:34:34.000 And then three, there's no chemistry.

00:34:36.000 Let's hope I get used to you and it flows back because it's gonzo.

00:34:42.000 Let's clear the palette with it.

00:34:53.000 So fun.

00:34:56.000 I thought this would be a fun time for us to...

00:35:00.000 Oh, no, wait, wait.

00:35:01.000 Couple news items first.

00:35:04.000 I thought this was funny.

00:35:05.000 We all know that Kamala Harris is an unlikable bitch, right?

00:35:08.000 And Hillary's a fucking whore.

00:35:10.000 To improve public perception, Kamala Harris taking likability lessons from Hillary Clinton was the joke, right?

00:35:16.000 Because even people who like Hillary don't really like Hillary.

00:35:19.000 Like I was talking to David Cross's wife.

00:35:22.000 What's her name again?

00:35:24.000 Amber Tamblin.

00:35:25.000 And I was like, she's a murderer.

00:35:27.000 This is back when my friends would speak to me.

00:35:31.000 I don't know who I am anymore.

00:35:33.000 It's okay.

00:35:34.000 Don't even go crying.

00:35:37.000 Who am I?

00:35:38.000 How do I know Amber?

00:35:39.000 Amber Tamblin?

00:35:40.000 Who am I?

00:35:40.000 Fuck them.

00:35:41.000 Am I Gavin's sister?

00:35:42.000 I don't even know anymore.

00:35:44.000 Literally F them in the V, actually.

00:35:48.000 Fuck them in the vagina?

00:35:50.000 Yeah.

00:35:50.000 Okay.

00:35:52.000 And she said, I said she's corrupt and blah, blah, blah.

00:35:55.000 And I understand you're a liberal, but how can you like her?

00:35:56.000 And she goes, they're all corrupt.

00:35:59.000 So even the ones who support her secretly hate her guts and wish she could be someone else.

00:36:08.000 And then their joke becomes reality.

00:36:10.000 Kamala Harris has told confidants she would get better press coverage if she was a white man and has turned to Hillary Clinton for advice.

00:36:18.000 You can't make jokes anymore.

00:36:23.000 Also in the news, let's go to LGBTQ, shall we?

00:36:27.000 Oh man, I can't wait to go to LGBTQ.

00:36:30.000 I'm gay, by the way.

00:36:31.000 I'm at least bi.

00:36:32.000 I think I'm bi.

00:36:33.000 Two drinks, two white claws in.

00:36:35.000 I'm super bi.

00:36:36.000 I kissed a girl before.

00:36:37.000 I kissed a girl and I liked it.

00:36:39.000 Yep.

00:36:41.000 I don't want to eat a pussy.

00:36:42.000 But like, I've fooled around with guys for a while.

00:36:44.000 I felt ugly.

00:36:45.000 I felt gay.

00:36:46.000 And then we fell in love.

00:36:47.000 And then they eat their poo-poo.

00:36:49.000 And we have a very good relationship.

00:36:51.000 I don't like the fucking shit.

00:36:53.000 You don't want to see a close-up picture of my Ada because you ate damage.

00:36:56.000 You ugly.

00:36:57.000 Homophobe alert.

00:37:01.000 Isn't this the same chick who cut that beautiful girl's breasts off?

00:37:07.000 I think she poses with her subjects now.

00:37:10.000 And this is a woman who just had her penis removed.

00:37:18.000 And she has a new vagina manual.

00:37:21.000 I never got one of those.

00:37:23.000 I got one when I was born.

00:37:26.000 And it was all pictures because I couldn't read yet because I was a baby.

00:37:29.000 Cute.

00:37:29.000 Little baby me.

00:37:30.000 Imagine.

00:37:31.000 I got a manual for these things.

00:37:33.000 Oh, my God.

00:37:34.000 I actually need a vagina manual.

00:37:37.000 I don't even know what tampon I use.

00:37:40.000 What kind of flow are you?

00:37:42.000 I use maxi pads.

00:37:45.000 With wings?

00:37:46.000 Always with wings?

00:37:47.000 What are you, my grandmother?

00:37:49.000 We all use tampons.

00:37:51.000 Stupid bitch.

00:37:54.000 I use heavy flow tampons.

00:37:56.000 It looks like a white dildo.

00:37:58.000 I use steel wool.

00:38:01.000 Have you ever tried the cup?

00:38:03.000 What's the cup?

00:38:04.000 It's just a cup.

00:38:05.000 It's like a rubber cup.

00:38:06.000 You put it up your poon and then you just dump it out every four hours.

00:38:11.000 Never heard of it.

00:38:13.000 Never used it.

00:38:13.000 How come you don't know about women's reproductive options?

00:38:18.000 You're not educated as a feminist.

00:38:22.000 I just buy a lot of pants.

00:38:23.000 I'm just kidding, by the way.

00:38:24.000 I totally support you and I love you and you're perfect.

00:38:28.000 Literally, thank you so much.

00:38:29.000 You are so cute.

00:38:31.000 That is the cutest outfit I've ever seen.

00:38:35.000 Thank you.

00:38:36.000 Oh my God.

00:38:38.000 And I have a cute laugh, I've been told.

00:38:40.000 If I had a dick, I would chop it off just to have your tits.

00:38:43.000 If you had a dick, I would chop it off, suction cup it to my shower, and then do chatterbait stuff with it.

00:38:50.000 If you had a dick, I would blow you so hard that I'd puke, and then I'd lick up the puke.

00:38:56.000 No, I'd drink the puke first, so you wouldn't even have a chance.

00:38:58.000 Wow, you really like Me.

00:39:00.000 Yep, that's true.

00:39:02.000 Yeah, I think that's the same woman that was with that girl where she chopped off her boobies and she didn't include her nipples.

00:39:09.000 Remember her?

00:39:10.000 Yeah.

00:39:10.000 And she had the hourglass figure.

00:39:13.000 So I guess in the new vagina manual, they show you things like, oh my god, you got to find this YouTube video.

00:39:22.000 It's a guy showing you how to stretch out a pussy.

00:39:27.000 I mean, I'm going to...

00:39:28.000 Is it Jazz Jennings?

00:39:29.000 No, but you can see the vagina.

00:39:33.000 So it's a gynecologist, and there's a pussy right there, and it's a man-made pussy, and he's putting in the various dildos to, I don't know, stretch it out.

00:39:43.000 And it's legal on YouTube because it's not a real vagina, which if I was the girl, I'd be pissed off.

00:39:50.000 I'd be like, hey.

00:39:52.000 Yeah.

00:39:54.000 Get that out of here.

00:39:55.000 Go get my phone if you can't find it.

00:39:59.000 It's like I have to get your phone.

00:40:00.000 Yeah, go get my phone.

00:40:02.000 Wait, Hercules.

00:40:03.000 Wait, that might be it.

00:40:04.000 No, that's not it.

00:40:06.000 Ew!

00:40:07.000 Ew!

00:40:08.000 NSFW!

00:40:10.000 We should have warned you.

00:40:11.000 Sorry.

00:40:13.000 Where's your phone, bitch?

00:40:15.000 It's probably in my office in like my pants.

00:40:18.000 You look so good.

00:40:19.000 I wish people could see you.

00:40:21.000 You have a perfect body.

00:40:24.000 And you know what I love about you?

00:40:25.000 Usually girls with big tits, they look like an AirPod.

00:40:29.000 Look at my pants.

00:40:31.000 For some reason, there's jeans there that have my wallet and stuff in them.

00:40:35.000 I don't even have a wallet.

00:40:36.000 I have a clutch.

00:40:40.000 But often with girls with big, beautiful tits like yours, they look like AirPods.

00:40:46.000 They're all big and then there's no ass.

00:40:48.000 But you have a fucking perfect ass too.

00:40:51.000 My facial ID didn't work.

00:40:53.000 That's weird.

00:40:59.000 Here we go.

00:41:00.000 Dr. Gabriel Del Something Gross.

00:41:06.000 Just showing you the vagina and how awesome it is, you guys.

00:41:12.000 I'm just going to call this vagina and send it to you.

00:41:15.000 Paste, send.

00:41:18.000 And then I have another one that I mentioned earlier.

00:41:20.000 When they warn of rare disorders, and this is the New York Times about the retard test.

00:41:27.000 Oh, yeah.

00:41:28.000 Both of these come from one of our top baby monsters.

00:41:31.000 Isn't it weird that when people say big pharma and big tech, all I could think about is big Dharma and Big Greg?

00:41:39.000 Love it.

00:41:39.000 Love that.

00:41:40.000 They're so funny and gorgeous.

00:41:42.000 When they warn of rare disorders, these prenatal tests are usually wrong.

00:41:46.000 Some of the tests look for missing snippets of chromosomes.

00:41:48.000 For every 15 times they correctly find a problem, they are wrong 85 times.

00:41:54.000 Whoa, I was way off.

00:41:56.000 They're wrong 85% of the time.

00:42:00.000 85% of the time you have an abortion because you think it's going to be retarded.

00:42:04.000 It's not.

00:42:06.000 What the fuck?

00:42:09.000 Why is that not like the biggest story in the world?

00:42:12.000 Hundreds of thousands of dead babies.

00:42:14.000 Not only did we make Down syndrome people extinct and commit ethnocide, but some kind of genocide.

00:42:22.000 Abelism genocide.

00:42:24.000 Abel side.

00:42:26.000 Not only did we do that, but we killed hundreds of thousands of innocent babies.

00:42:29.000 Anyway, this is a bummer because I love abortion.

00:42:32.000 Check out the other thing.

00:42:34.000 Dr. Gabriel Del Coral vaginoplastery dilation instructional video.

00:42:40.000 Who needs to go to YouTube to see how to stretch out their vagina?

00:42:43.000 Didn't they get a new vagina manual?

00:42:45.000 Did you text that or email it?

00:42:46.000 Because I didn't get it in the email yet.

00:42:48.000 I emailed it, but I'll text it.

00:42:50.000 Technology idiots technology.

00:42:52.000 Well, the problem is we are hacked so much that our email has to go through like 9 billion things.

00:43:00.000 It goes to like outer space and then gets to us.

00:43:03.000 So there's been times when I've emailed you something from like four feet away and it takes like a day.

00:43:10.000 Anyway, check your text.

00:43:11.000 Okay.

00:43:12.000 This is about to be super insanely gross, you guys.

00:43:16.000 NSFW, you're going to bar.

00:43:19.000 We've had baby monsters saying, can you stop talking about trans?

00:43:22.000 They represent like a fraction of 1% of the population and they take up half your show.

00:43:26.000 That's a good point.

00:43:29.000 Note, heard.

00:43:31.000 Do not watch this if you're eating.

00:43:36.000 Enable the mentally ill to disfigure, deform, mutilate themselves.

00:43:42.000 Okay, wait, is there blood?

00:43:44.000 Nope.

00:43:44.000 Okay.

00:43:44.000 There's a vagina, though.

00:43:45.000 That's fine.

00:43:46.000 And here's the thing.

00:43:47.000 I meant to say this earlier.

00:43:48.000 I interrupted myself.

00:43:49.000 If I'm the woman there, I would go, uh-oh, my vagina is so vagina-y, you can't put it on YouTube because that's nudity.

00:43:57.000 And then YouTube's like, no, don't worry about it.

00:43:58.000 It's fine.

00:43:59.000 But it's my pussy.

00:44:00.000 We don't have us ladies don't have our pussies on YouTube.

00:44:04.000 And they go, oh, no, we do that for women.

00:44:07.000 And actual vaginas, not yours.

00:44:11.000 That's hurtful.

00:44:12.000 That's mean.

00:44:13.000 This is transphobic.

00:44:16.000 Look at all the dildos.

00:44:17.000 Now, I don't know if you're going to be dating a black man or Ryan Katsu Rivera, so we have huge variety here.

00:44:24.000 In order to go around the prostate, the large set comes in.

00:44:27.000 This is from LeBron James.

00:44:28.000 You need to bring Katsu.

00:44:31.000 And down here is the Gavin.

00:44:33.000 So you just care if you insult our boss.

00:44:37.000 Did you just fart?

00:44:38.000 No, it's my heels.

00:44:39.000 Oh, I don't fart, bitch.

00:44:41.000 Not unless someone's spending $1,000 per jar.

00:44:44.000 Not unless it's in a bell jar.

00:44:46.000 Money.

00:44:47.000 Maybe wipes, or in this case, we have chlorohexane wipes to clean the area post-dilation.

00:44:54.000 So now, to be able to perform...

00:44:56.000 Wait a minute.

00:44:57.000 If you're the doctor that does this, shouldn't you be more advanced than having to YouTube it?

00:45:02.000 You know what I mean?

00:45:02.000 Who's watching this?

00:45:04.000 Oh, yeah.

00:45:06.000 Dilation.

00:45:07.000 We gotta make sure that you position yourself.

00:45:09.000 You're gonna lie in your back.

00:45:11.000 Wait, get rid of me.

00:45:13.000 Okay.

00:45:14.000 Full barf coming up.

00:45:15.000 Here we go.

00:45:16.000 I could just scoot.

00:45:17.000 Let's go full barf.

00:45:18.000 Okay.

00:45:18.000 Now, here's the thing.

00:45:20.000 Those are Gavin's dad's legs.

00:45:24.000 And even the socks, girls, we don't wear socks like that.

00:45:28.000 Those are guys who have like their athletic, you know, pro-bicycle socks.

00:45:33.000 Yeah.

00:45:34.000 We wear cute socks.

00:45:36.000 Yes.

00:45:37.000 Not functional.

00:45:38.000 Right.

00:45:39.000 This patient in, you want to make sure that you bend your knees and use two pillars to flex your knees and give you some comfort.

00:45:46.000 Remember that the dilation is really both a physical and a mind.

00:45:51.000 And you know another huge problem with this whole concept?

00:45:55.000 Guys' penises are here and they go straight out.

00:46:00.000 They're like, they're right below your belly button.

00:46:03.000 Here's a guy's belly button.

00:46:05.000 Here's a guy's the top of a guy's dick.

00:46:07.000 Belly button dick.

00:46:09.000 A vagina is way down here by the butthole.

00:46:12.000 Yep.

00:46:14.000 I'll measure it right now.

00:46:16.000 One, two, three.

00:46:19.000 It's like three or four inches lower than the penis.

00:46:23.000 So you've got this vagina stuck in the middle of your body.

00:46:27.000 That's not where they go.

00:46:28.000 And not going to lie, no offense, but they put it upside down.

00:46:33.000 Hey guys, you cannot be us.

00:46:36.000 We are women.

00:46:37.000 Hear us roar.

00:46:38.000 Let's roar, Ryan.

00:46:46.000 I am woman.

00:46:47.000 Hear me.

00:46:50.000 I'm a woman.

00:46:51.000 Hear me.

00:46:55.000 We're like Venom when we get mad.

00:46:57.000 I'm like Johnny Mai.

00:46:59.000 I get like really Johnny Miranda-y when I when I yell.

00:47:02.000 Yeah, I'm like Lynn Manuel Miranda when I'm mad.

00:47:05.000 I'm like, I ain't gonna take my shot.

00:47:07.000 Shot.

00:47:09.000 That's right.

00:47:10.000 The Constitution and Mushin and Fafa Vushin and Lushen.

00:47:14.000 Then he like drives off.

00:47:16.000 Yeah.

00:47:16.000 I'll just show the film.

00:47:17.000 I couldn't tell if you're doing in the heights or what.

00:47:18.000 Yeah.

00:47:20.000 Set to be able to be ready for this.

00:47:22.000 Some patients refer that using some music can help relax the future dilation.

00:47:27.000 You should be fired.

00:47:28.000 You should go to jail.

00:47:30.000 Shouldn't you go to jail?

00:47:31.000 Yeah.

00:47:32.000 What if I make a hole in a person and then use a bunch of plastic tools to keep the wound from healing?

00:47:39.000 I'd go to jail.

00:47:43.000 God!

00:47:44.000 And you want to use a lubricant jelly, you got to make sure that you wash each dilator with warm soap and water.

00:47:53.000 This can also help assist during the dilation.

00:47:56.000 All right, that's enough.

00:47:57.000 We're all going to puke.

00:47:59.000 You know what I found out that I could watch the other day that's like surprisingly like not gross?

00:48:04.000 What?

00:48:05.000 Is cataract surgery?

00:48:06.000 No, no, stop, stop, stop.

00:48:07.000 I hate that.

00:48:08.000 I really.

00:48:18.000 That's not funny.

00:48:19.000 You just found my curved turret.

00:48:20.000 I can't believe I found your curved night.

00:48:22.000 No, they showed that in high school once, and I fainted.

00:48:27.000 I fell backwards on my chair.

00:48:28.000 Girl, that was such a real reaction.

00:48:30.000 You slay queen.

00:48:32.000 Yeah, please.

00:48:33.000 Does that bother normal people?

00:48:34.000 I don't care.

00:48:35.000 I actually still think I might puke.

00:48:37.000 Okay, sorry.

00:48:38.000 My stomach is like butterflies right here.

00:48:40.000 Here, we'll cleanse the palate with that surgery thing.

00:48:43.000 There we go.

00:48:45.000 I just find that funny.

00:48:46.000 Right.

00:48:47.000 But eye surgery, sorry.

00:48:49.000 I can't even think about it.

00:48:50.000 Yeah, I always thought that that would bother me, but like I watched the whole thing and it's like almost like a pimple popper video.

00:48:56.000 I love popping pimples.

00:48:58.000 Mrs. Woo is that Dr. Pill Popper?

00:49:00.000 She's a saint.

00:49:01.000 Pill Popper.

00:49:02.000 Dr. Pill Popper.

00:49:04.000 That's what I would be.

00:49:05.000 I want my own TLC show where I just do like Zan bars.

00:49:08.000 Hi, I'm Dr. Pill Popper.

00:49:10.000 I'm wasted again.

00:49:11.000 You fell asleep again with that tool in your hand.

00:49:14.000 Yeah, I was sleeping.

00:49:15.000 I'm good.

00:49:16.000 Okay, last LGBT.

00:49:18.000 Here's a new one.

00:49:20.000 We're kind of fun.

00:49:20.000 We're kind of conservative.

00:49:21.000 You noticed?

00:49:22.000 We're pro-life.

00:49:23.000 We're anti-trans.

00:49:24.000 I guess we're TERFs.

00:49:25.000 We're trans-exclusionary radical feminist bitches.

00:49:29.000 Fuck you.

00:49:30.000 Fuck you.

00:49:33.000 Go to the next one.

00:49:36.000 We went through surgery to become dads.

00:49:38.000 Okay, I guess.

00:49:39.000 I was diagnosed with postnatal depression.

00:49:42.000 What?

00:49:43.000 And getting help changed my life.

00:49:45.000 How can you be postnatal if you were never Nate?

00:49:49.000 You got a Nate to be natal.

00:49:52.000 What a couple of faggots.

00:49:54.000 Morley post-nodel.

00:49:56.000 What is with that guy's face, too?

00:49:59.000 He looks like he has a mask on.

00:50:01.000 He looks like he used to be the bassist in an emo band, but this is him without the makeup.

00:50:05.000 He looks like he hasn't had a nap in 300 years.

00:50:08.000 He looks like a writer from the 1700s that they dressed up in modern day clothing.

00:50:13.000 And then his friend just looks like that cartoon from Disney, who's like a fun monkey.

00:50:21.000 Fun monkey, fun monkey.

00:50:23.000 Happy monkey drawing.

00:50:24.000 Drawing a blank.

00:50:25.000 Or maybe he looks like the guy that Sasha Baron Cohen did the voice for, who's Indian?

00:50:33.000 Borat.

00:50:34.000 Yeah, but he's an animal.

00:50:38.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:50:39.000 And he has that song that they do.

00:50:41.000 Still drawing a blank, but yeah, I know who you're talking about.

00:50:42.000 You know who I mean?

00:50:43.000 Yes.

00:50:44.000 Just look up, but now we got to see him.

00:50:45.000 Sasha Baron Cohen did the voice for.

00:50:50.000 And then it's, I'm warning you, the song's going to be stuck in our head for like a million years.

00:50:55.000 Was it like a pets movie or like the zoo?

00:50:58.000 Yeah, it was like a zoo.

00:50:59.000 It was Madagascar.

00:51:00.000 Madagascar.

00:51:03.000 Madagascar.

00:51:05.000 You know, if we were like Harley Joseph Watson, we would have a map behind us and we could just find Madagascar.

00:51:11.000 Okay.

00:51:11.000 That's him in the top right.

00:51:13.000 Okay, top right.

00:51:14.000 Top left, I mean.

00:51:15.000 Top left.

00:51:15.000 That's him.

00:51:16.000 He's the ferret guy.

00:51:17.000 Yeah.

00:51:23.000 Any water?

00:51:25.000 No, just more diamonds and gold.

00:51:33.000 Get it?

00:51:35.000 Listen up.

00:51:36.000 I will help you.

00:51:38.000 There's only one way to get your precious water.

00:51:41.000 I...

00:51:42.000 Wait, isn't that racist now?

00:51:44.000 That doesn't sound like him at all.

00:51:46.000 It is.

00:51:46.000 Your beloved King Julian must simply make a small sacrifice to my good friends, the water gods, in the volcano!

00:51:58.000 Um, wait a minute, that's racist, Right?

00:52:01.000 I guess it's not an Indian, though.

00:52:03.000 But the guy from The Simpsons, thanks to that talentless Indian comedian from Queens, Apu Naracha or whatever, he got that guy fired from The Simpsons, and now they have to have an Indian do the Indian voice.

00:52:15.000 This is a white guy doing an Indian voice.

00:52:19.000 I can't keep up with their fucking stupid rules.

00:52:21.000 All right.

00:52:24.000 Let's check out.

00:52:26.000 What should we do?

00:52:27.000 Let's check out some poetry.

00:52:29.000 Oh, cool.

00:52:30.000 This chick is really, really good.

00:52:37.000 It's right above gals just being gals.

00:52:39.000 Gotcha.

00:52:39.000 We'll get to that next.

00:52:41.000 Lots of fun stuff at girl talk.

00:52:44.000 Lots of fun shit.

00:52:46.000 Austin.

00:52:50.000 Is that, is she cupsy?

00:52:52.000 Threesomes are great!

00:52:58.000 By which I mean the idea of a threesome is great.

00:53:02.000 All of you and your limbs and heaving bodies and probably sweaty and yeah, that sounds great to have so many people in one better floor or public restroom.

00:53:10.000 But here I am in a Starbucks with a couple I met off okay Cupid and they don't really look like their picture or else do but but more human and for some reason that's terrifying.

00:53:20.000 So I begin dipping my hair into my coffee and squeezing it drop by drop into my mouth like a little hamster and both of them are watching me blink and feeding each other cookies and babbling on about aunts I haven't met and then suddenly we're setting boundaries like which holes can stretch enough for which appendages and which appendages we've all got and want to use and how many cups are in a pint and who is technically a part of the Soviet Union.

00:53:41.000 And then the entire coffee shop stands up and yells in unison like in the musicals.

00:53:47.000 Anus!

00:53:48.000 Anus!

00:53:50.000 Anus!

00:53:51.000 Anus!

00:53:53.000 And then suddenly my coffee becomes very interesting.

00:53:55.000 Like why would I need to make eye contact with anyone ever when I've got my coffee?

00:53:58.000 Jesus.

00:53:58.000 You know what's weird about that?

00:54:00.000 What?

00:54:00.000 It's kind of conservative.

00:54:03.000 A little bit.

00:54:04.000 Do you know why?

00:54:07.000 You're like not very smart, so I'll handle this kind of analysis.

00:54:10.000 Oh yeah, you did get it actually.

00:54:12.000 That is it.

00:54:13.000 Yay me, actually.

00:54:15.000 Sorry for doubting you, queen.

00:54:19.000 Yeah, she's living the life of the feminist, covered in tattoos.

00:54:22.000 Not that there's anything wrong with tattoos on girls.

00:54:25.000 They look great.

00:54:27.000 And she's like, this sucks.

00:54:30.000 I don't want to suck on some tits and get reamed in the butt.

00:54:34.000 I want romance.

00:54:36.000 Kind of sad.

00:54:38.000 Okay, this is getting too serious.

00:54:39.000 I want to have some fun.

00:54:41.000 I put together a fun montage of just girls having a fucking fun time.

00:54:48.000 It could be a green screen, but it's not LGBT anymore.

00:54:52.000 This is just, I call these videos gals being gals.

00:54:56.000 And Ryan, you and I are going to have some fucking laughs.

00:55:00.000 I legit cannot wait.

00:55:02.000 Oops.

00:55:03.000 Let's not show it quite yet.

00:55:05.000 Okay.

00:55:06.000 Let's show more gay flags.

00:55:08.000 Those aren't the right flags those gays have.

00:55:14.000 It's not going to last.

00:55:16.000 We're going to be married for two years, tops?

00:55:21.000 She's got the weirdest shoes.

00:55:23.000 See if you can catch them.

00:55:31.000 What are you all fucking around now?

00:55:34.000 Oh, orange.

00:55:35.000 Oh, God.

00:55:37.000 Whoops, picklebath.

00:55:38.000 See the socks she had?

00:55:40.000 Those are the kind of socks we have, not the ones that were at that gynecologist's office.

00:55:44.000 We have like cute, fun socks.

00:55:46.000 She's so fun.

00:55:47.000 She reminds me of Lindsay.

00:55:48.000 Lindsay Lohan?

00:55:49.000 No, our friend Lindsay.

00:55:50.000 Oh, yeah, Lindsay.

00:55:51.000 We always call her Lohan because it pisses her off.

00:55:54.000 She's so fun.

00:55:54.000 She's such a bitch.

00:55:57.000 Okay, that one was fun.

00:55:58.000 What else do we got?

00:55:59.000 Okay.

00:55:59.000 We have more.

00:56:00.000 We have more?

00:56:01.000 Yep.

00:56:02.000 How much fun can a girl have?

00:56:09.000 Oh, I love champagne ones.

00:56:14.000 Whoa!

00:56:16.000 That's like when you haven't seen your boyfriend in two months and he promises he hasn't been watching porn.

00:56:21.000 You're like, I don't believe you.

00:56:22.000 Oh, I believe you.

00:56:23.000 And he's like, sploosh.

00:56:25.000 Yeah, you're like, okay, you really didn't masturbate the whole time I was away.

00:56:29.000 Wow.

00:56:30.000 Anyone got a towel?

00:56:32.000 Next.

00:56:33.000 These are all chicks.

00:56:34.000 Chicks is my favorite Instagram account.

00:56:37.000 Let's get it, girls.

00:56:39.000 Let's get after it, I think she says.

00:56:44.000 What's that?

00:56:54.000 This is like when we're just being a dumb bitch and we know it and we don't care.

00:56:59.000 And our mom is like, Allie.

00:57:07.000 Okay, next.

00:57:09.000 Is that you adding that music?

00:57:11.000 Yeah, it's girls' talk.

00:57:12.000 Oh, I get it.

00:57:17.000 This is a girl trying to throw her boyfriend in the pool, which I tried to do, and boys are stronger than us.

00:57:22.000 Sorry.

00:57:23.000 But they throw us in the pool too, and it's like so not fair.

00:57:26.000 Oh my God.

00:57:27.000 If I had my Birkenstocks on and they got all wet, I would be so pissed.

00:57:31.000 I would literally kill him.

00:57:33.000 I would literally bust a cap in his ass.

00:57:36.000 I would literally take his fucking femur and break it off and pick my teeth with him because I haven't eaten his flesh.

00:57:42.000 I would be so pissed and I would just go like fucking dish in the neck.

00:57:46.000 And then when he's like, uh-uh, I'd fucking go and put my thumbs right in his fucking eyes.

00:57:51.000 Fuck yeah.

00:57:52.000 I would unplug his PS5 when he's playing call it dude.

00:57:55.000 I maybe plug in his PS5 in his ass.

00:57:58.000 Yeah.

00:57:59.000 You want to end up in the fucking hospital, Ben Shapiro?

00:58:04.000 I'll fucking kill you.

00:58:08.000 Sorry, let's see the video.

00:58:15.000 First, get the grip.

00:58:18.000 Unish the hands.

00:58:19.000 Get a good grasp of the torso and watch.

00:58:24.000 Ouchies.

00:58:26.000 How about one for the girls?

00:58:30.000 We do tend to overestimate our strength.

00:58:33.000 Why would you just play girl talk, not the song girl talk?

00:58:39.000 Oh, this is fun.

00:58:40.000 This is how we party at Christmas.

00:58:52.000 What's going on with her wings?

00:58:54.000 Maybe she's holding her little pet chihuahua, like her toy chihuahua.

00:58:57.000 She's laughing exactly as she's like, squeezing it every time she laughs.

00:59:00.000 And it's dying.

00:59:02.000 She's murdering her dog.

00:59:17.000 Poor dog.

00:59:18.000 It's like...

00:59:19.000 We're watching a snuff film.

00:59:20.000 We're watching a doggy die.

00:59:22.000 Wow.

00:59:22.000 She's like the Chester Bennington of Laughing.

00:59:25.000 He was said to have had two voices when he screamed.

00:59:28.000 You could hear two different voices.

00:59:29.000 That's nice.

00:59:29.000 Next video.

00:59:30.000 All right.

00:59:31.000 Alrighty then.

00:59:34.000 Oh, this is someone just proposed.

00:59:37.000 And they're filming it.

00:59:38.000 Oh.

00:59:39.000 Okay, next.

00:59:44.000 That was really good.

00:59:45.000 I wish we had these a little faster.

00:59:47.000 I almost cried right there.

00:59:48.000 Yeah, me too.

00:59:50.000 This is the girls just doing it.

00:59:52.000 Partying.

00:59:52.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:59:54.000 Oh, no!

00:59:57.000 Damn, I get the dead.

01:00:02.000 Physics is not big with the gals.

01:00:06.000 Oh, no!

01:00:10.000 Damn, I get the dead.

01:00:14.000 Like 500 pounds.

01:00:15.000 That's sad, though, because you know how fat they must feel after that?

01:00:18.000 Oh, my God.

01:00:18.000 I would just kill myself.

01:00:20.000 You could just buy a new table, but like my feelings.

01:00:23.000 Okay, last one.

01:00:25.000 This is me as a waitress, you guys.

01:00:27.000 Seriously.

01:00:36.000 She needs different shoes.

01:00:38.000 She should wear those hideous shoes with the toes.

01:00:41.000 You know what I mean?

01:00:42.000 Well, gravity is sexist.

01:00:43.000 I think we know that.

01:00:44.000 Oh, geez.

01:00:45.000 Maybe choose a new line of work.

01:00:52.000 Okay, this is fun.

01:00:54.000 We're now done with the show.

01:00:58.000 That's sad.

01:00:59.000 Yeah, it is, isn't it?

01:01:00.000 I hope they'll miss us.

01:01:02.000 I think they will.

01:01:03.000 But here's what's super weird.

01:01:06.000 What's your name again?

01:01:07.000 Julie or Ryan.

01:01:08.000 Rian.

01:01:08.000 Rianne.

01:01:09.000 Rianne.

01:01:11.000 I forgot my laptop because I'm a ditz.

01:01:15.000 I'm such a stupid bitch.

01:01:17.000 I can get it.

01:01:19.000 Wait, I think I left it at home, though.

01:01:21.000 Oh.

01:01:22.000 And that means both of my computers are at home because I'm a dummy.

01:01:27.000 So you're going to have to do the mailbag.

01:01:29.000 Fun.

01:01:31.000 So this is a new thing.

01:01:32.000 Well, it's a new show, Girl Talk.

01:01:34.000 So everything is new.

01:01:36.000 But let's have Ryan go through the letters.

01:01:38.000 And you start reading it.

01:01:40.000 And then if I think it's boring, I'll just say, boring.

01:01:42.000 Got it.

01:01:43.000 And then we'll go to a new one.

01:01:45.000 Ryan, shut up.

01:01:49.000 Some like pretty hot guys.

01:01:55.000 Let me touch it.

01:01:57.000 You know what Gavin's daughter said?

01:01:59.000 What?

01:02:00.000 He said you lift up that red thing to tell the post office that you have something in there you want them to take.

01:02:06.000 Yes.

01:02:07.000 But in that video, the thing went up to say, you got mail.

01:02:13.000 So which is...

01:02:13.000 Maybe because you're sending your responses?

01:02:17.000 Hmm.

01:02:18.000 Someone's wrong.

01:02:19.000 Either the person that made that video or Gavin's daughter.

01:02:24.000 I think it's the thing in the video.

01:02:26.000 I think the postman's supposed to put up the thing to say, hey, I put mail in there.

01:02:30.000 So you don't have to walk all the way to the end of the driveway.

01:02:32.000 No, I think she's right.

01:02:35.000 Well, you're always wrong, so that means that...

01:02:39.000 Always.

01:02:39.000 This is my first show.

01:02:43.000 Drop at 258.

01:02:46.000 Can I just say something?

01:02:48.000 Those always suck.

01:02:49.000 Okay.

01:02:50.000 But I don't know how we'd know that, but 258.

01:02:53.000 Natural Bory Killers.

01:02:54.000 Is that the whole movie?

01:02:57.000 There's no action here.

01:02:58.000 What am I watching?

01:02:59.000 Two fucking figs?

01:03:01.000 That is pretty good.

01:03:02.000 No.

01:03:03.000 But maybe.

01:03:04.000 But it's not in our wheelhouse.

01:03:06.000 No, but maybe if we were showing a video with two people and it was boring.

01:03:12.000 Right.

01:03:13.000 Like, when the guy drove his friend to the airport.

01:03:20.000 I'm finally used to this, by the way.

01:03:22.000 Now I'm comfortable.

01:03:24.000 The occasional stray hair, that's the part you really...

01:03:27.000 It gets in my mouth.

01:03:28.000 Yeah, it gets, it's like going across my nose.

01:03:32.000 And I noticed today, like I have a coffee, there's lipstick all over it.

01:03:35.000 I'm eating a sandwich.

01:03:36.000 There's lipstick all over the sandwich.

01:03:38.000 I touch my eye to scratch it, and then there's shit on my hand.

01:03:43.000 It's weird.

01:03:44.000 It's sad.

01:03:45.000 So this one's a funny sprinkles man.

01:03:48.000 Okay.

01:03:49.000 These are usually never sprinkly either.

01:03:51.000 These are never sprinkly.

01:03:55.000 What's up?

01:03:57.000 Can you please not eat during our interview?

01:03:59.000 I'm not eating.

01:04:01.000 Okay.

01:04:02.000 Because, I mean, this is a serious interview, so if you're not prepared to be serious during the interview, then we can't conduct this interview.

01:04:09.000 Oh, okay.

01:04:09.000 I'm not in.

01:04:12.000 Okay, are you prepared to continue the interview?

01:04:14.000 Oh, yeah.

01:04:15.000 Okay.

01:04:17.000 So what is your highest?

01:04:18.000 All right, sir, we're going to end this interview.

01:04:20.000 Oh, no, I'm not in.

01:04:21.000 I'm in.

01:04:23.000 Are you eating, sir?

01:04:24.000 Oh, no, no, I'm.

01:04:26.000 Okay.

01:04:27.000 All right, sir.

01:04:30.000 All right, so we're done.

01:04:31.000 We're done with this interview.

01:04:32.000 Thank you very much, okay?

01:04:34.000 I'm sorry, but I have to be able to take this seriously, and this is not acceptable.

01:04:39.000 I'm not.

01:04:43.000 Thank you very much.

01:04:45.000 You notice how she doesn't want to end the interview because then that's the end of her power?

01:04:50.000 So she's like letting it go, letting it go.

01:04:52.000 I have an unpopular opinion.

01:04:54.000 I don't like those kind of pranks.

01:04:55.000 Because it's wasting people's time.

01:04:57.000 Because it's wasting people's time.

01:04:58.000 But she's wasting everybody's time by having that job.

01:05:00.000 What?

01:05:01.000 Based on that.

01:05:01.000 No, she's working in HR.

01:05:03.000 So I don't want to watch any of those.

01:05:04.000 Sorry.

01:05:05.000 Buzzkill over here.

01:05:07.000 Like on Stern, when they call some pizza place and they're like, I want to order a pussy with some fags.

01:05:13.000 And the guy's like, we don't have that.

01:05:14.000 We have pepperoni.

01:05:15.000 And you're like, the kids at work.

01:05:17.000 Fuck off.

01:05:19.000 Now, if it's some Scottish guy who loses his temper and goes crazy with rage, that's no longer low-hanging fruit.

01:05:27.000 That's entertaining.

01:05:30.000 This one says, bleeps with their blankies.

01:05:34.000 I went to see Spider-Man last night.

01:05:36.000 Yeah, yeah, I know.

01:05:37.000 Recalling your commentary review of the movie is what kept me through the whole two hours and a half.

01:05:42.000 The whole front row of the recliner section was full of bleeps.

01:05:45.000 What'd that mean?

01:05:46.000 I think it's what Atheism is and Stoppel uses to describe pygmies.

01:05:53.000 Oh.

01:05:55.000 Their displays of coziness in the public knows no bounds.

01:05:59.000 You thought that they were bad at the airport, but just wait.

01:06:01.000 Most of them in this row, all adults, were sporting their jammies complete with blankies and neck pillows.

01:06:07.000 I know people may have gotten too comfortable with staying at home watching movies during the pandemic, but holy shit, dude, never seen anything like it.

01:06:14.000 I mean, they walk around in their...

01:06:15.000 Jammies with blankets?

01:06:17.000 Why would you need a blanket?

01:06:18.000 It's not cold.

01:06:19.000 I walked into a store the other day.

01:06:21.000 It was like an urban store.

01:06:23.000 It's like all sweatpants.

01:06:24.000 There's no regular pants.

01:06:26.000 Oh, yeah.

01:06:26.000 No, that's true of that entire...

01:06:28.000 All young people wear sweatpants and nothing else.

01:06:31.000 That's considered like fancy.

01:06:32.000 You'd wear that to a funeral.

01:06:34.000 But the pajamas, that's fucking infuriating.

01:06:37.000 Yeah, that's Walmart chic.

01:06:40.000 Censor.

01:06:41.000 That's when your mom is 17.

01:06:45.000 And there's no dad.

01:06:46.000 Well, I would love to know what city or specific area that is.

01:06:51.000 Yeah.

01:06:52.000 Because, like, Harlem is different from East New York, is different from South Brooklyn.

01:06:57.000 I don't know.

01:06:57.000 I think the culture keeps them the same.

01:06:59.000 It's basically the same guy with different accents.

01:07:01.000 Harlem blacks are like, they wear pants and they have their shit together and they're hustling.

01:07:06.000 Brooklyn blacks still wear Timberlands and baggy jeans.

01:07:09.000 And my voice is getting really deep for some reason.

01:07:14.000 Maybe I have a cold.

01:07:15.000 Maybe I have Omnicron.

01:07:17.000 My jaw is getting pointy.

01:07:20.000 I'm getting fucking tough.

01:07:22.000 Yeah.

01:07:24.000 Here's my impression of a guy.

01:07:25.000 You want to hear it?

01:07:26.000 Yeah.

01:07:27.000 Oh, hey, babe.

01:07:29.000 Do you want to fucking hang out and make a cigar?

01:07:30.000 Guys always have cigars, and they're like this.

01:07:33.000 Yeah, man, I love tits.

01:07:35.000 Let's watch the Super Bowl, man.

01:07:37.000 Hey, honey, how you doing?

01:07:38.000 Yeah, well, I love, let me get some tits.

01:07:42.000 Yeah, I want to drink a beer and watch the game.

01:07:44.000 Yeah.

01:07:46.000 They're so dumb.

01:07:48.000 They're so horny all the time.

01:07:49.000 Hey, Gav got like fucking as much as an ex-person.

01:07:52.000 Me too.

01:07:53.000 But, like, it's not on my mind 24 hours a day.

01:07:58.000 And it's on my mind, like, once every two days.

01:08:01.000 But guys are, like, obsessed with pussies.

01:08:04.000 It's depressing.

01:08:05.000 It's crazy.

01:08:06.000 It's gay.

01:08:07.000 It's stupid.

01:08:08.000 It's lame.

01:08:09.000 Eyes are up here.

01:08:14.000 Government involvement in life.

01:08:16.000 Hey, GavGuy and Rydog.

01:08:17.000 I was listening to your Tuesday app while shoveling the driveway.

01:08:20.000 You mentioned that the government should be police and army only.

01:08:22.000 I tend to agree.

01:08:23.000 Plus, maybe court systems.

01:08:24.000 But let's talk about roads.

01:08:26.000 How would a free market road system work?

01:08:28.000 People have to buy land to build them.

01:08:30.000 Competing roads might be overburdening?

01:08:31.000 No, I have a hard time seeing the idea through Happy New Year, Will.

01:08:42.000 What do you think of that?

01:08:45.000 Why are you wearing Timberland boots like a dude?

01:08:52.000 I like your little rockette skirt.

01:08:55.000 Don't I have beautiful legs?

01:09:00.000 Straighten it out.

01:09:01.000 Point your toes.

01:09:04.000 Yeah, there are plenty of...

01:09:06.000 People always say that.

01:09:07.000 They go, oh, you're a libertarian.

01:09:08.000 You don't like roads.

01:09:10.000 To go upstate, not far, like Delaware, Gap, kind of fucking near Philly, whatever, like say Port Jervis, right?

01:09:21.000 If we drove to Port Jervis and back right now, it would cost us about 30 bucks in tolls.

01:09:26.000 So roads are already private.

01:09:28.000 Furthermore, all over America, there are private highways.

01:09:33.000 I think there's like 150.

01:09:35.000 And you go on and you pay, and they are always amazing.

01:09:41.000 They're always beautiful.

01:09:42.000 The 95 that we take when we go into the city or even to get to work, you'd think you're in Iraq.

01:09:48.000 When my boss was in Costa Rica, the roads, he was alarmed at how perfect the roads were.

01:09:56.000 Like you could skateboard on them.

01:09:58.000 It was at a skate park for hundreds of miles.

01:10:01.000 And then the 95, like you get flats.

01:10:05.000 I got a flat once getting off in the South Bronx.

01:10:08.000 Bang.

01:10:10.000 The impact emptied my tire.

01:10:15.000 So your crazy scenario already exists.

01:10:17.000 I just want more of it.

01:10:20.000 Somebody sent men building stuff and they insisted maybe I hit this bumper before.

01:10:56.000 Now, this is weird because we're just straight.

01:11:00.000 Yeah.

01:11:00.000 We're just normal women who like hot guns.

01:11:04.000 We're regular for men.

01:11:05.000 Yeah, normal for men.

01:11:07.000 Normal for men.

01:11:07.000 That's what this segment is called.

01:11:09.000 This is how plea wood is pleawioid is made.

01:11:16.000 Okay, so first you get a bunch of logs.

01:11:18.000 What's that, like a RAV4?

01:11:22.000 And then...

01:11:23.000 It's like a shit river.

01:11:24.000 And then it goes down the shit river.

01:11:27.000 And then...

01:11:28.000 What do you do?

01:11:29.000 It goes into an oopsie machine where it's like, oops, sorry.

01:11:31.000 You gotta get the bark off.

01:11:33.000 Bark right.

01:11:33.000 Aren't you just gonna throw the outside away anyway?

01:11:37.000 Hmm.

01:11:38.000 Why bother with the bark?

01:11:41.000 All of that looks really dirty.

01:11:43.000 Ew, it's so loud.

01:11:45.000 It is loud.

01:11:46.000 Okay, so the bark's gone now.

01:11:52.000 I would hate this job.

01:11:55.000 Oh, everything's banging around.

01:11:57.000 You can get your nails caught in there.

01:11:59.000 Your hair?

01:12:00.000 Ooh, I don't like that.

01:12:02.000 What's that machine?

01:12:03.000 Are they going to make the wood shiny at any point?

01:12:05.000 Stop it, you guys.

01:12:06.000 You're going to cut it to pieces.

01:12:08.000 Hey!

01:12:09.000 Well, there you go.

01:12:10.000 You can't have a long piece anymore.

01:12:13.000 You really screwed yourself.

01:12:14.000 Men just know how to destroy, not wrecking.

01:12:17.000 This should be called how to destroy the forest.

01:12:19.000 Women build, men wreck, period.

01:12:21.000 Yep.

01:12:22.000 Maybe because you're another bealt to get...

01:12:25.000 Meh.

01:12:28.000 Okay, chugga, chugga, chugga, shitriver.

01:12:30.000 Kicked into the peeler bins.

01:12:31.000 I thought you already peeled them.

01:12:35.000 Wait, now they're just plywood?

01:12:37.000 Did you skip a step?

01:12:39.000 Oh no.

01:12:40.000 So now they're nice little cigars.

01:12:43.000 And then a loader picks them up.

01:12:45.000 Where does it go?

01:12:46.000 Now it goes over to a dark place.

01:12:48.000 How the hell do you set this up?

01:12:50.000 Looks dingy.

01:12:50.000 Like someone goes, here's $3 million.

01:12:52.000 Build a lumber mill.

01:12:56.000 It's not like you can start with a small lumber mill.

01:13:00.000 I just do one piece of wood a day.

01:13:02.000 I'm working up to 600 pounds.

01:13:06.000 600 pounds.

01:13:07.000 600 tons.

01:13:08.000 My 600 ton wood.

01:13:13.000 Whoa.

01:13:14.000 Ribbon.

01:13:15.000 Ribbons are cute.

01:13:16.000 You make ribbons?

01:13:17.000 I would not wear that ribbon.

01:13:19.000 Oh, that's for when it's like this table here.

01:13:23.000 If we were to saw it, it wouldn't look this nice.

01:13:25.000 It wouldn't have this grain.

01:13:26.000 It would just be like compacted sawdust or whatever.

01:13:29.000 So that's the exterior.

01:13:30.000 Ribbon moves to a clipper table.

01:13:34.000 It's messy.

01:13:35.000 He's going to get splinters.

01:13:36.000 Stop touching it.

01:13:40.000 What are they making paper or something now?

01:13:42.000 Oh no, they're just making thin sheets.

01:13:45.000 So when you stack them?

01:13:46.000 I thought this was about plywood.

01:13:48.000 You're making thin sheets.

01:13:53.000 Oh.

01:13:54.000 So plywood is just a bunch of thin sheets?

01:13:58.000 And then they staple them together or duct tape them together?

01:14:01.000 I think they use glue.

01:14:02.000 Like, oh, like super glue, probably.

01:14:04.000 Yeah, or like that's the glue right there.

01:14:06.000 Gorilla glue, probably.

01:14:09.000 Because wood, gorillas?

01:14:13.000 15 layers thick.

01:14:16.000 Seems kind of like a...

01:14:17.000 Just get a really big tree and then cut a few slices of that.

01:14:20.000 You don't have to do all this stuff.

01:14:22.000 Just buy it.

01:14:24.000 Yeah.

01:14:25.000 Just go to Home Depot.

01:14:26.000 What a waste of time.

01:14:28.000 So dumb.

01:14:29.000 Oh my god.

01:14:30.000 Waste of time.

01:14:34.000 Okay, let's go to the final video.

01:14:37.000 Oh, okay.

01:14:40.000 I guess maybe I didn't do such a good job.

01:14:43.000 That's correct.

01:14:45.000 Not hurt.

01:14:46.000 Literally don't care at all.

01:14:48.000 No, look, we're running out of time here.

01:14:57.000 Do you want to do a growl face?

01:14:58.000 Okay.

01:14:59.000 I've watched Gavin's show before.

01:15:00.000 He makes a mad face, right?

01:15:02.000 Yeah, and then it sounds like he's doing the yelling.

01:15:04.000 I'm thirsty.

01:15:05.000 Do you have any, like, Gatorade or anything?

01:15:07.000 I have Wawa.

01:15:08.000 Ah, that's so boring.

01:15:09.000 I could put some...

01:15:11.000 What is that?

01:15:12.000 Those packets.

01:15:13.000 Yeah, Maddie Odello has those packets.

01:15:16.000 He's kind of fine.

01:15:17.000 He's lost a lot of weight.

01:15:18.000 Yeah.

01:15:19.000 You know what?

01:15:19.000 He's dangerous.

01:15:20.000 Our boss did at the pub last night.

01:15:22.000 Quatt.

01:15:23.000 So remember, get Joe a new car?

01:15:27.000 So he raised like two, like they take a commission, but I think that Gavin ended up with like $220 or something.

01:15:33.000 Right.

01:15:34.000 So Joe already got a car from Jose.

01:15:37.000 Jose gave him like a $2,000 subaru and said, pay me later.

01:15:41.000 And Joe's only paid him like $200, and he keeps borrowing money from Lenny and not paying anyone, right?

01:15:48.000 Ew.

01:15:48.000 So we want to give the money right to Jose.

01:15:52.000 What's Jose look like?

01:15:54.000 He's a circle.

01:15:54.000 He looks like an armadillo.

01:15:59.000 So Gavin comes into the bar and he goes, great news, guys.

01:16:03.000 The money came in for get Joe a new car.

01:16:06.000 And Joe's down his luck.

01:16:07.000 He's now claiming he has cancer, but he hasn't started the chemo yet.

01:16:12.000 And it's weird because he's doing it for sympathy and everyone just laughs at this point.

01:16:16.000 What was that you just sipped?

01:16:20.000 What?

01:16:21.000 You said you didn't have anything to drink and then you just were like sipping lemon tea.

01:16:27.000 Oh, hold on.

01:16:33.000 Okay.

01:16:34.000 Do you want to go to brunch tomorrow?

01:16:36.000 Yes.

01:16:37.000 Mimosa's.

01:16:38.000 Mimosa's for a while.

01:16:39.000 Okay, that'll be fun.

01:16:40.000 I can't wait.

01:16:40.000 I wish it was tomorrow already.

01:16:41.000 Absolutely.

01:16:43.000 So he goes, hey, I'll do it in his voice.

01:16:47.000 Great news, guys.

01:16:48.000 The money came in.

01:16:49.000 Forget Joe a new car.

01:16:51.000 $220.

01:16:54.000 He's got like $200 bills in that 20.

01:16:56.000 And he walks over to Joe and he goes, congratulations.

01:17:01.000 And then just gives it to Jose right in his face.

01:17:05.000 Right when we're supposed to feel bad about his cancer.

01:17:07.000 What a joke.

01:17:10.000 Was he mad?

01:17:11.000 He was like, oh, seriously, really?

01:17:14.000 And then Maddie caught him on some lies.

01:17:16.000 Like, wait, if you got out of hospital yet, where's your IV?

01:17:19.000 And Maddie's like, Joe's like, seriously?

01:17:21.000 Oh, seriously?

01:17:22.000 And then he just left.

01:17:23.000 Couldn't take the razzing.

01:17:25.000 And when he was leaving, Gavin said, Joe, little handy tip.

01:17:29.000 If you're going to be a compulsive liar, you're going to have to have thick skin.

01:17:32.000 People are going to make fun of you.

01:17:33.000 And props.

01:17:34.000 Get an IV.

01:17:36.000 Yeah.

01:17:36.000 Well, he did get props when he lied about working at Amazon.

01:17:39.000 He went on eBay and he bought an Amazon shirt and an Amazon hat, like a wool beanie.

01:17:46.000 And he wore it.

01:17:48.000 He wore it to the fucking bar.

01:17:51.000 One day?

01:17:52.000 One day.

01:17:54.000 And then they had to let him go because he had COVID.

01:17:57.000 What?

01:17:58.000 Yeah, that's not how that works.

01:17:59.000 You're fired.

01:18:00.000 Yeah.

01:18:00.000 No getting COVID over at Amazon.

01:18:02.000 That's not how it works around here.

01:18:05.000 Okay, so I'll make a snarly face.

01:18:07.000 Yes.

01:18:07.000 Ready?

01:18:23.000 We're kind of bitchy and we make fun of men and we shit on them a lot.

01:18:27.000 But at the end of the day and at the end of the show, we think they're kind of cool, to be totally honest.

01:18:34.000 And when it's just us bitches around and there's no guy, it's fun for a while.

01:18:39.000 And then we get out of control and we start screaming at the top of our lungs and we spill red wine on white carpets.

01:18:44.000 And we kind of need you guys.

01:18:46.000 So sorry that we can be total fucking bitches.

01:18:50.000 And we just wanted to show this as some, I think men call it Gapehorn.

01:18:55.000 I hadn't heard of this before, jet surfing?

01:18:58.000 It looks kind of South American or something, but that looks really fucking fun and it's not something that I could do.

01:19:04.000 And we appreciate you guys.

01:19:06.000 We appreciate you.

01:19:11.000 Rev it out of the water?

01:19:12.000 I don't know why they do that.

01:19:15.000 Clean up the pipes.

01:19:22.000 That's fun enough, right?

01:19:24.000 But then they get up.

01:19:30.000 Doesn't that look awesome?

01:19:31.000 It does look pretty fun.

01:19:32.000 Just whipping around?

01:19:34.000 I don't want to do it, but I want my man to.

01:19:35.000 I feel like that's something Tyler might do.

01:19:54.000 What were you doing?

01:19:55.000 You can't just go...

01:19:56.000 You've got to lean your head down and look up.

01:19:59.000 Like that?

01:20:00.000 Yeah, you look up under your brow.

01:20:03.000 Yeah, that's it.

01:20:05.000 Feels strange.

01:20:06.000 I know.

01:20:07.000 That's why it scares people to death.

01:20:10.000 All right, that's it for the show.

01:20:11.000 I hope you enjoyed our new show, Girl Talks.

01:20:14.000 It's just girl stuff all the time.

01:20:16.000 No boys allowed.

01:20:17.000 This is a dude-free zone.

01:20:18.000 It's just me and my best gal pal, Rianne.

01:20:21.000 And what are you doing?

01:20:27.000 We're not that handy with the tech stuff.

01:20:30.000 Boys do a better job of that.

01:20:32.000 And we hope you have a fun weekend.

01:20:33.000 Don't get too wasted or you're going to get raped.

01:20:36.000 And don't rape anyone and suck some dicks.

01:20:41.000 But eventually you're going to want to get a ring on it.

01:20:43.000 So don't be a total whore because no one wants to buy the cow when the milk is free.

01:20:47.000 You get me?

01:20:50.000 And don't forget what we always say on Girl Talk.

01:20:52.000 Our motto at Girl Talk is always known the man's gonna trick you.

01:21:04.000 So be on the ball and grab your heart before you give it to a stranger.

01:21:22.000 Get fired, get in trouble, be brave, and never stop fighting.

01:22:05.000 That's the straight while I kiss the sky.

Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - January 07, 2022

S04E72 - GIRL TALK

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