Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - S4E223

00:00:40.000 Welcome to day good night.

00:00:42.000 Serious momentum, we override Oh, the limit, I'll reach the limit Yeah I'm the child with the telescope.

00:00:56.000 Kind of cheesy, kind of fun.

00:00:59.000 Good road trip music.

00:01:02.000 Not exactly advanced shit.

00:01:05.000 That was that.

00:01:07.000 Enter Shikari.

00:01:08.000 It was one of your teen boys they liked that?

00:01:11.000 The only teen boy.

00:01:13.000 No?

00:01:13.000 Okay.

00:01:14.000 No, my kids are into trap, grap, drill rap shit.

00:01:18.000 That sucks.

00:01:19.000 But the Enter Shikari are from my hometown.

00:01:22.000 They're from Hertfordshire.

00:01:24.000 I was from Hitchin, these sort of posh areas that surround Luton where Tommy Robinson's from.

00:01:31.000 My mom would go get groceries in Luton, as I've told you many times.

00:01:35.000 Dude, I made an insane mix, an eight-hour road trip mix when I was down in Port St. Lucie for spring break, spring training.

00:01:45.000 It is a masterpiece.

00:01:48.000 Reggae, dance hall, metal, speed metal, stupid shit like we just played there, corny stuff.

00:01:55.000 Bruce Springsteen.

00:01:57.000 It's eight hours long.

00:01:58.000 My gorsh.

00:02:00.000 So I think I can make the link available, and then I'm going to record a green screen of it to accompany it, to explain everything.

00:02:10.000 That'll be awesome.

00:02:11.000 We've got a racist marathon coming up.

00:02:13.000 It'd be cool if we made it look like you were driving in the car while doing that.

00:02:18.000 Yeah.

00:02:20.000 The road behind you.

00:02:21.000 I'll do that.

00:02:22.000 I'll just sit in a chair on the green screen.

00:02:24.000 Yeah, and then just do this.

00:02:26.000 This band was blah, blah, blah.

00:02:28.000 Yeah, okay.

00:02:29.000 Let's do that.

00:02:32.000 So today is the free episode.

00:02:34.000 We used to do Thursday Nights is Free, but Thursday has evolved into a show that I love called Cops and Robber, where we have our felon buddy Maddie O'Dell, Excel's Angel, head of the New Rock chapter.

00:02:46.000 And then we have at least four cops going through cop videos, crime stats, and jail time.

00:02:52.000 And you hear the felon's perspective and the cop's perspective.

00:02:55.000 Pretty similar because it's bottom-of-the-barrel cops, no offense, but like they're detectives, but they're not the top brass.

00:03:02.000 And those guys kind of get abused by the system as much as criminals do.

00:03:07.000 So they're very similar.

00:03:08.000 And if I showed you my texts from my criminal friends and my cop friends, you'd be looking at the same thing.

00:03:16.000 They're indistinguishable.

00:03:18.000 They both love Trump.

00:03:20.000 Or at least the ones I know.

00:03:22.000 Do we have the Jump Medic bag?

00:03:25.000 Oh, yes, we do.

00:03:26.000 Dig that up.

00:03:27.000 This is our first sponsor, Jump Medic, as a company owned by a baby monster who happens to be a longtime paramedic.

00:03:32.000 Jump Medic sells top-notch first aid kits and first aid equipment.

00:03:37.000 And we had a dude who was from the Coast Guard in the studio last night with his black wife, who I don't know was super comfortable with the way we were talking about black female privilege when it comes to policing, citizens, but whatever.

00:03:54.000 And he was impressed.

00:03:56.000 Like this guy is, I think he's called a Corman with the Coast Guard.

00:04:00.000 And he went through this pack and he went, yep, this is legit.

00:04:05.000 That's a very flattering word in this day and age, legit.

00:04:10.000 Too legit to quit.

00:04:12.000 So it comes as a sort of a backpacky thing.

00:04:15.000 But then when you open it up, you can indulge in all this legit shit that's too legit to quit.

00:04:25.000 I'm not groaning because it's heavy.

00:04:27.000 I'm groaning because my workout today was insane.

00:04:30.000 It ended with a mile run, 200 sit-ups, and 100 push-ups.

00:04:38.000 Their premier product is the Jump Medic Pro, which comes in red or black.

00:04:42.000 The Jump Medic Pro contains two world-class first aid bags.

00:04:46.000 The larger bag comes stocked with nine pounds of first aid equipment, absolutely everything you would need in a first aid kit, from bandages to sutures to medications, and even a blood pressure cuff, glucose meter, shears, and a flashlight.

00:05:00.000 Kind of early with the and even.

00:05:04.000 The shears in particular would be perfect if Ryan decides to do something about his incredibly embarrassing hair.

00:05:08.000 Let's check in on your hair today, Ryan.

00:05:10.000 Not bad.

00:05:12.000 Not bad at all.

00:05:14.000 I would even say not annoying today.

00:05:17.000 I don't like it, but if, hey, a lot of people do.

00:05:20.000 My wife said it looks handsome.

00:05:23.000 It looks handsome?

00:05:24.000 That's not how you can.

00:05:25.000 Well, you look handsome.

00:05:26.000 Okay.

00:05:27.000 That makes more sense.

00:05:28.000 But I don't know.

00:05:29.000 It looks boring.

00:05:30.000 Go check out jumpmedic.com and look at the what's included page to get an idea of everything included in the jump minute kit pro first aid kit the jumpmatic pro kit also comes with a smaller secondary bag which you can fill with supplies and use as a convenient transportable first aid or trauma kit you can use the bigger kit for your home and take the smaller one when you're planning on doing anything remotely dangerous and I think now is the best time to be having something like this in your car and in your house we got California covered in snow people starving in there just have

00:06:00.000 Have it in your truck.

00:06:01.000 Have it in your car.

00:06:02.000 Especially the way transportation is going these days.

00:06:06.000 Thanks to Alfred E. Newman over there, Pete Buttigieg.

00:06:09.000 We're seeing cars pile up.

00:06:11.000 The roads have never been more dangerous.

00:06:13.000 If you're going to get stuck, you want to have this for your family.

00:06:17.000 If you don't have a first aid kit, you need to get one yesterday.

00:06:22.000 You don't want to be unprepared.

00:06:23.000 Both of the incredibly durable bags allow for open flat access while in use.

00:06:27.000 That's what we got here.

00:06:27.000 See, it's open flat.

00:06:29.000 um which makes it quicker and easier to locate supplies in an emergency gelmetic also sells refills for these kits they sell first aid supplies for anyone who may need bandages medications and more if you already have a first aid kit, keep them in mind.

00:06:41.000 If you need to supply anything in your kit, as you all know, I've always said I care about my fans.

00:06:45.000 Number one, when I think about a single one of you not being prepared for a life-threatening emergency, only two phrases come to mind: How dare you?

00:06:52.000 And you have hurt me today.

00:06:55.000 The JumpMedic Pro is great for nurses, paramedics, firefighters, and police, but it's also great for hobbyists and families.

00:07:00.000 If you don't have a first aid kit in your home, or even if you do, this is a great product, possibly the most comprehensive first aid kit at this price that is currently on the market.

00:07:07.000 Go to jumpmedic.com and enter promo code RyanSucks.

00:07:11.000 How dare you?

00:07:13.000 For 10% off.

00:07:16.000 So this show's free everywhere.

00:07:18.000 Yesterday's show's not free, never will be again.

00:07:21.000 Never.

00:07:22.000 And the reason we switched to this show is because this is representative of what the show is.

00:07:26.000 We've got a green screen.

00:07:28.000 We've got our various subjects.

00:07:29.000 We do our letter bag.

00:07:31.000 We begin the show by talking about silly stuff, random shit.

00:07:37.000 Like, dude, you know what happened?

00:07:38.000 I forgot to tell you this.

00:07:41.000 At Port St. Lucie spring training.

00:07:43.000 No.

00:07:44.000 The kids are catching balls.

00:07:45.000 My youngest boy's 10.

00:07:46.000 He's loving it there.

00:07:47.000 We were getting there at 8 a.m. to see them come in the parking lot.

00:07:50.000 Sometimes cool guys like Lindor or Polar Bear will come out and sign balls.

00:07:57.000 So we're at the game and Port St. Lucie, it's spring training, so it's not a real stadium.

00:08:01.000 It's a tiny stadium.

00:08:02.000 So you're really close to the guys.

00:08:05.000 And my youngest says, I'm going to reach out and grab a ball if he throws it to us.

00:08:09.000 And then I think it was Lindor.

00:08:10.000 I can't remember who, but like, Lindor, Lindor.

00:08:13.000 He throws it over the net.

00:08:15.000 Guess where it's landing?

00:08:17.000 Near you guys.

00:08:18.000 Right to the G's chest.

00:08:23.000 This is tough.

00:08:25.000 So I go to grab it.

00:08:26.000 And this isn't like it was a pop fly coming at 800 miles an hour.

00:08:31.000 It was thrown by a professional thrower of balls to a person, probably to Johnny, who's the youngest one around.

00:08:39.000 And he throws it like this, dude.

00:08:42.000 It ricochets off my palm.

00:08:45.000 Come on now, dog.

00:08:48.000 I thought about it.

00:08:50.000 Oh, my God.

00:08:50.000 It was devastating.

00:08:51.000 I can't explain how shitty you feel as a dad.

00:08:54.000 Not only did it ricochet off my palm, it smashed a kid in the face.

00:09:02.000 And like the whole stadium was just looking at me like, what the fuck?

00:09:08.000 Holy shit.

00:09:11.000 And then I look down at my boy, and he's looking at me with this look that I'll be able to draw perfectly for the rest of my life.

00:09:19.000 It was like a, it was like a.

00:09:25.000 Could I have the firearm, please?

00:09:26.000 Dude, it burnt a hole in my.

00:09:28.000 He was looking at me like I was a professor, and he just found out, and 10 is pretty old as far as understanding things, that I've been fucking one of my students and I just blew the marriage.

00:09:37.000 My mom, my wife was bawling her eyes out in the other room and we were getting a divorce.

00:09:41.000 And he just looked at me.

00:09:42.000 What are you doing, Gavin?

00:09:43.000 Gavin?

00:09:43.000 You fucked one of your students and ruined your marriage and now I don't have two parents together anymore?

00:09:49.000 What?

00:09:50.000 Or I showed up at one of his games drunk and nude and was like, what's up, niggas?

00:09:58.000 What are you doing here, Dad?

00:10:00.000 Ugh.

00:10:02.000 And every time someone missed a ball after that, I got an erection.

00:10:06.000 I am done.

00:10:07.000 You're done.

00:10:08.000 I'm done.

00:10:10.000 It's until you've experienced what it's like to not catch a ball and hand it to your son and have it go, ba-doing, especially you see all these videos of guys with babies who catch them and it's a fucking line drive.

00:10:23.000 With their beer in their hands.

00:10:24.000 With their beer in their fucking.

00:10:25.000 I had no beers.

00:10:27.000 It was in.

00:10:28.000 I'm never going to financially recover from this.

00:10:32.000 Really a low point.

00:10:36.000 I'm feeling upset.

00:10:38.000 Okay, enough with the fucking avalanche of drops.

00:10:42.000 Look at this front page of the New York Post today, by the way.

00:10:44.000 I like to show these to prove it's not pre-recorded.

00:10:48.000 Oh, I finally get it.

00:10:52.000 Heller.

00:10:53.000 So it's the Hell Island Railroad, right?

00:10:57.000 It's Long Island Railroad, right?

00:10:58.000 Instead of Long, it's Hell.

00:11:00.000 It's L I R, it's Heller.

00:11:02.000 Hell IRR, right?

00:11:04.000 But I didn't get this first line.

00:11:06.000 So crowded riders stand in bathrooms.

00:11:09.000 A mad dash to make a transfer.

00:11:11.000 Promised a better commute.

00:11:12.000 Passengers instead got the Hell IRR.

00:11:15.000 It's so crowded, riders stand in bathrooms.

00:11:19.000 That's how crowded it is.

00:11:21.000 I didn't get that all morning.

00:11:26.000 I might be dumb.

00:11:28.000 It's possible.

00:11:29.000 It's very highbrow, the post.

00:11:32.000 Ooh, look at you, mister, reading the New York Post.

00:11:36.000 Well, excuse me.

00:11:39.000 The only paper that's like the closest to a comic book that you can get.

00:11:43.000 But I love it.

00:11:44.000 Well, my father-in-law is a scientist, and he's a smarty pants, and he was like, look at all this garbage.

00:11:49.000 And I'm like, yeah, dude, it's garbage at the beginning because that's what your day is like.

00:11:56.000 You don't want to open the first page when you wake up and see a dead baby on the beach.

00:12:01.000 You want to see a nice 80s white girl ass.

00:12:05.000 And you want to read some gossip.

00:12:07.000 Lady Gaga farted and stuff.

00:12:09.000 And AOC didn't pay tax when she wore her tax the rich dress, or at least the woman who designed it did.

00:12:16.000 There's a posh sex club.

00:12:19.000 And then on page eight, we get into deficit numbers, don't lie, and all the heavy stuff.

00:12:25.000 It's the exact same thing.

00:12:26.000 I copied it for Vice magazine, and I'm copying it for this show.

00:12:30.000 It's the way you eat.

00:12:32.000 You have an amuse bouche before you have a fucking meat before you eat your steak.

00:12:42.000 Well, la da.

00:12:49.000 Another rampant black nationalist who grew up with a white mom and no black dad.

00:12:56.000 California is covered in snow.

00:12:57.000 Speaking of jump medic, you want to have that.

00:13:00.000 What if you are cutting onions, your last onion in your house, and you get a major gash?

00:13:06.000 What are you going to do?

00:13:07.000 Go to the hospital in California right now?

00:13:10.000 Not when you're run by Gavin Newsom.

00:13:12.000 We received about eight feet of snow in the last season.

00:13:15.000 Not that anyone can handle eight feet of snow.

00:13:17.000 I'm sure eight feet of snow is a major pain in the ass in Alaska.

00:13:20.000 I know it's a pain in the ass in Montreal, where I lived for 10 years.

00:13:25.000 So I don't know if this is the best opportunity to bash Gavin Newsome.

00:13:30.000 We have plenty of other reasons to hate that guy.

00:13:32.000 But who could have been prepared for this eight feet of snow in California?

00:13:36.000 The only way to get out is to dig your way out.

00:13:38.000 You can dig your way where?

00:13:40.000 Walk or drive anywhere.

00:13:42.000 We are fucking trapped.

00:13:44.000 People are running out of food, water.

00:13:46.000 A lot of people haven't had a lot of people.

00:13:47.000 All you single women are probably pumped right now.

00:13:50.000 They don't have a man around or any kids to help you.

00:13:52.000 Yeah.

00:13:53.000 Five or six.

00:13:53.000 Great time to be a spinster.

00:13:54.000 Just Uber eats it.

00:13:56.000 Just Uber Eats.

00:13:57.000 And you know, those single gals, I used to fuck them when I was single, and they never have anything in their home.

00:14:03.000 No screwdriver for sure.

00:14:04.000 Well, no, but they have no food, no nothing, no long-term anything.

00:14:07.000 They don't buy groceries.

00:14:08.000 They always get takeout.

00:14:09.000 They have hummus.

00:14:10.000 They have dishes piled to the ceiling, dirty laundry piled up about five feet high, and then the fridge is just rotten leftovers and condiments.

00:14:20.000 Well, you could take some of the snow, put it in the fridge, and then use the five-foot pile of clothes to stand on top of the snowpile to get out.

00:14:30.000 Well, she's got a shovel at least.

00:14:32.000 But where are you going?

00:14:33.000 In their homes.

00:14:34.000 There's no way to get to a hospital to get medical help.

00:14:37.000 I'm going to have a plow in five days.

00:14:41.000 This is insane.

00:14:42.000 No, it's kind of like COVID, though.

00:14:45.000 Everybody was in California.

00:14:46.000 I don't know.

00:14:47.000 I think I would love it.

00:14:48.000 Being snowed in?

00:14:49.000 It's cool.

00:14:50.000 Yeah, no responsibilities.

00:14:52.000 Any emergency services that we really, really need.

00:14:56.000 That's such an LA thing.

00:14:58.000 I have a guy who's a really, really good friend of mine.

00:15:01.000 They love saying really, really.

00:15:04.000 Grocery store just had their roof cave in from snow.

00:15:09.000 So they are really fucked.

00:15:11.000 Really, really out of luck now.

00:15:13.000 Mocking my previous videos.

00:15:15.000 I hope you're not.

00:15:16.000 It's kind of like I bullshit a lot.

00:15:18.000 And it's like, no, no, I know I bullshit a lot, but I really, actually, really.

00:15:21.000 Help.

00:15:22.000 You need mental help because people are dying and you're mocking a community in an emergency.

00:15:27.000 So one, stay the fuck off my page.

00:15:29.000 And two, learn some human empathy because you make me sick.

00:15:32.000 Thanks.

00:15:32.000 Bye.

00:15:33.000 Where is she digging to?

00:15:36.000 The road?

00:15:36.000 There's nowhere to dig to.

00:15:38.000 These are the COVID people that said, stay in.

00:15:39.000 I don't care what you need to do.

00:15:41.000 Stay in.

00:15:42.000 Okay.

00:15:45.000 I'm on this drug right now called Purple Works Nutrition.

00:15:49.000 Feel free to riff if you're still using the product.

00:15:51.000 I am riffing.

00:15:53.000 I am still using the product.

00:15:54.000 Use it today.

00:15:54.000 One thing I've learned, however, is take it easy on this stuff.

00:16:02.000 I had a whole scoop the other day at 7 a.m. and I had a bit of trouble sleeping at midnight.

00:16:09.000 So that's what, 7 to 7.

00:16:13.000 That's 19 hours.

00:16:15.000 I was fucking wired.

00:16:17.000 Now I take, I don't actually use the scooper anymore.

00:16:20.000 I just use a spoon and I take like a quarter of a tablespoon, stir it in, and then your workout should be over an hour to really get your money's worth out of this.

00:16:31.000 And I was a monster today.

00:16:33.000 Backwards duck walks, forward duck walks, every single bag in the gym, different combinations, 100 push-ups, 200 sit-ups, a mile run.

00:16:44.000 I run the block.

00:16:46.000 I'm afraid I only completed the mile in 14 minutes.

00:16:48.000 I did stop for a piss and I ordered a sandwich at a local restaurant, Delhi.

00:16:55.000 But yeah, this stuff works.

00:16:57.000 It makes your hands feel prickly, though.

00:16:59.000 Did you get that?

00:17:00.000 That's beta-alanine, my friend.

00:17:01.000 I keep saying that.

00:17:02.000 What does that mean?

00:17:03.000 What's happening to my hands?

00:17:04.000 I don't know what it actually does, but it makes you feel like it's working.

00:17:07.000 And if you stay still, like, you're tortured.

00:17:09.000 So you have to start going.

00:17:12.000 And they have great Maybe it's a headband.

00:17:18.000 That's a t-shirt, Ryan.

00:17:20.000 Hello?

00:17:20.000 What?

00:17:21.000 Hey, listen, did you order your ticket yet?

00:17:24.000 No, I didn't.

00:17:25.000 I'm on the air, though.

00:17:26.000 You're live.

00:17:27.000 Oh, I'm going to order a ticket now for...

00:17:33.000 Okay, and bags.

00:17:34.000 All right, sunshine?

00:17:35.000 All right, sunshine.

00:17:36.000 Did you talk to bags?

00:17:39.000 I'll call Tommy up then.

00:17:40.000 All right, I'll let you go.

00:17:41.000 All right, bye.

00:17:42.000 Do your thing.

00:17:43.000 Do your thing.

00:17:46.000 Where are you going?

00:17:48.000 Boxing match tonight.

00:17:50.000 We have another sponsor, and weirdly enough, another up.

00:17:53.000 He was fighting today with a guy.

00:17:55.000 I like these three old dudes.

00:17:56.000 They're all my age, and they do a thing that they had invented, which I'm a huge fan of.

00:18:01.000 It's called taking a break during the round.

00:18:05.000 Do you have your stance and your guard up?

00:18:08.000 No, you're leaning on the ropes.

00:18:13.000 It's great.

00:18:18.000 We have another sponsor, and weirdly enough, another up-and-coming company founded by a paramedic, Purple Works Nutrition, PurpleWorksNutrition.com.

00:18:26.000 PurpleWorks manufactures a pre-workout that I've been using.

00:18:29.000 I just told you about it.

00:18:30.000 The Purple Works Pink Lemonade Pre-Workout enhances your strength, energy, and focus to get you ready for even the most strenuous workouts you have planned.

00:18:37.000 Heck, if you take off leg day, Purple Works pre-workout might even be looking at you from the corner of the room, judging you and telepathically insisting that you hit the gym and work on your puny calves.

00:18:46.000 And I'd like to say something to you guys out there who don't feel like hitting the gym.

00:18:51.000 It's not like there's hitting the gym and being awesome and kicking ass and then not hitting the gym and being a piece of shit.

00:18:57.000 I would like to offer up a gray area called hitting the gym and being half-assed.

00:19:03.000 For example, my backwards duck walks today, no one would call them duck walks.

00:19:08.000 I was standing a couple times.

00:19:11.000 My push-ups, my 100 push-ups, if my penis was out, it was not touching the ground.

00:19:16.000 They were more like, boopy, boopy, boopy.

00:19:19.000 These were my hundred push-ups.

00:19:23.000 And they were not, cheat, guys.

00:19:28.000 Cheat.

00:19:29.000 And I did a whole video on this called, I think it's how to box, where you can hide behind the heavy bag so the coach doesn't see you until halfway through the round, you come out and you go, What should I be doing?

00:19:39.000 And he goes, What the?

00:19:40.000 What the fuck?

00:19:41.000 What are you doing?

00:19:42.000 I don't know.

00:19:43.000 I'm not a mind reader.

00:19:45.000 God.

00:19:48.000 Yeah, you get a skipping rope that's not the right size for you, which means you keep falling and stopping and needing breaks.

00:19:56.000 I'm just showing you how you shouldn't put on your wraps before you start your workout.

00:20:00.000 So then the coach goes, hey, put your wraps on.

00:20:03.000 And you're like, oh, shit, I don't have them on yet.

00:20:06.000 That'll take me a whole round.

00:20:08.000 Million ways to cheat, guys.

00:20:10.000 And by the way, isn't this new ad guy 100 times better than the guy who let Nazis take us over?

00:20:16.000 He is, but you know, being good at your job is less funny.

00:20:20.000 True, we haven't had a lot of comedy out of this guy's incompetence because it doesn't exist.

00:20:25.000 That's correct.

00:20:25.000 By the way, speaking of Nazis, I've started moderating the comments on the site, which I know sounds weird because it's censored.tv.

00:20:32.000 And it is hypocritical, I think is the most important takeaway here.

00:20:36.000 But after, what, a year of zero moderation whatsoever, there's a couple idiots like some guy named Snow Ape and a guy named Gums, and they just get out there with the nigger this and nigger that, the Jews, Jews, Jews.

00:20:49.000 And what it does is it kills the conversation until no one wants to talk.

00:20:55.000 And then it's just like, say, you had an art class and some guys just kept drawing swastikas and cocks.

00:21:00.000 Everyone would go, all right, well, I guess this isn't for me.

00:21:02.000 And they slowly leave.

00:21:03.000 So they kill the conversation.

00:21:04.000 And then you start wondering, wait a minute, what are the odds you're a Fed or Antifa and your assignment is to kill the conversation here, ruin the brand and shit on everything?

00:21:14.000 Make it no fun.

00:21:15.000 A saboteur, if you will.

00:21:17.000 So either they're saboteurs on purpose, hired by the state or the radical left, or they're just saboteurs because they suck shit.

00:21:26.000 But yeah, really, really excessive, offensive garbage that has no point to it whatsoever.

00:21:34.000 Obviously, if someone's like, I think the word nigger has been used, blah, blah, blah.

00:21:37.000 No one's going to censor that.

00:21:38.000 But it's just like, I fucking hate ends.

00:21:41.000 I've started cutting it out.

00:21:42.000 And it's drastically improved the conversation.

00:21:47.000 So that was what Twitter argued when they first started censoring.

00:21:52.000 It was just like Jew, Jew, Jew, black, black, black.

00:21:55.000 And so they cut those out and it helped.

00:21:58.000 But then they kind of got drunk with power.

00:22:01.000 And they started censoring guys like me and normal people.

00:22:04.000 And then it became super woke and everything that goes woke, yep, goes broke.

00:22:08.000 So that's probably what will happen with us.

00:22:10.000 We'll start out with this justified censorship.

00:22:12.000 Then I'll start deleting comments that criticize my looks.

00:22:16.000 Anyone who says I look old.

00:22:18.000 And then it'll just be comments about how handsome I am.

00:22:21.000 And then we'll go broke.

00:22:23.000 But the other direction wasn't working.

00:22:27.000 Yeah, I have a telegram, and I don't moderate anything, and I don't even go in there anymore because it's just – I think the people that say N and Jew the most, they're there so much that everybody else is just kind of like, well, I can't really be – He's a cuck for the Jews.

00:22:45.000 He's cucking for shekels.

00:22:46.000 And then what's the next comment going to be?

00:22:48.000 I think that was a really interesting take on the aviation problem, but the real question is, is it incompetence?

00:22:54.000 Or is it some sort of globalist scheme?

00:22:56.000 That's the differentiation I have trouble with.

00:22:59.000 Yeah, whatever, nigger face.

00:23:05.000 It's like, okay, you could even say that, but it's just repeat ones, ends, repeat ends, repeats.

00:23:11.000 I don't comment on like anything, so I can't really relate.

00:23:14.000 But this is a lot of people are angry because that's how they express themselves.

00:23:18.000 But it's time to be a little more.

00:23:22.000 You go speak anywhere else.

00:23:24.000 But Telegram's a lost cause.

00:23:26.000 I don't even look at Telegram.

00:23:27.000 I hate Telegram.

00:23:28.000 It ruined...

00:23:45.000 Anyway, this has not got a lot to do with Purple Works.

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00:24:27.000 But then, the theme song from Chariots of Fire comes in, and you start, you start, your second half is actually better than your first half.

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00:25:00.000 I would say start small and work in.

00:25:04.000 Yeah, the shaker is good too.

00:25:05.000 Definitely half scoop it first, just to see where you're at.

00:25:07.000 At the most.

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00:25:09.000 Like start by just biting a shroom.

00:25:11.000 Like for instance, like this chick, when she's scooping, she needs that one hand there just in case it jumps.

00:25:18.000 And then this lady...

00:25:22.000 She needs two hands to hold this thing.

00:25:24.000 Yeah.

00:25:24.000 Which is like, what?

00:25:25.000 Like an ounce it weighs?

00:25:26.000 Yeah, that's how weak she was.

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00:25:48.000 Support them any way you can.

00:25:49.000 PurpleWorks and JumpMedic are both essentially doing what they do to make their mark on the world in a positive way.

00:25:56.000 Let's help them out and give them a boost.

00:25:58.000 Even if you can only afford to spend $40, $45, $40.

00:26:01.000 There's nothing wrong with that.

00:26:02.000 Wow, this guy's qualified.

00:26:05.000 Those are inside references there.

00:26:07.000 Bam, boom.

00:26:09.000 All right, let's dive into the show.

00:26:10.000 Are you ready, Ryan?

00:26:11.000 Are we going to do a.

00:26:12.000 His chair's looking a little small.

00:26:14.000 If I can start the show, Bumper.

00:26:17.000 We haven't done that in so long, you see.

00:26:19.000 Okay, fine.

00:26:20.000 We could.

00:26:21.000 Let's start the show.

00:26:23.000 Well, let me get it ripping.

00:26:24.000 I got to rip it.

00:26:25.000 Okay, rip that up.

00:26:26.000 Okay, I'll rip it up and rip it around.

00:26:28.000 Here it comes.

00:26:28.000 We're about to start the show.

00:26:29.000 It comes from this end.

00:26:30.000 It sure does.

00:26:31.000 It's a monster truck, and then Trump's in there and an eagle, too.

00:26:34.000 That's correct.

00:26:35.000 So you do remember it.

00:26:36.000 So you suggested bringing on something that you were not.

00:26:38.000 Oh, here we go.

00:26:40.000 It's not keyed out so good.

00:26:43.000 Beautiful, beautiful, bird.

00:26:45.000 Bye-bye.

00:26:46.000 Bye.

00:26:47.000 Home to mommy.

00:26:49.000 She probably likes me.

00:26:51.000 Oh, you know what's interesting?

00:26:52.000 I say that so often.

00:26:54.000 Yeah, it's that I didn't even register.

00:26:56.000 People don't know the reference.

00:26:58.000 So everyone understands the words by and by together.

00:27:02.000 But the guy will be leaving.

00:27:04.000 I'll go, bye-bye.

00:27:05.000 Home to mommy.

00:27:06.000 They understand that and they'll go, she probably likes me.

00:27:09.000 Like, what the fuck?

00:27:10.000 Is that from Labyrinth or something?

00:27:12.000 No, it's from Donald Johnson.

00:27:13.000 No, I know, but that's what they're saying.

00:27:14.000 Oh, I see.

00:27:15.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:27:16.000 They're like, are you, oh, I thought you were funny.

00:27:18.000 You have special needs.

00:27:20.000 Your mommy likes me.

00:27:22.000 You know what I noticed, though?

00:27:24.000 On Telegram, the past two days, I think this happened.

00:27:27.000 But remember Gypsy Crusader?

00:27:29.000 Yep.

00:27:30.000 I like spicy stuff.

00:27:31.000 He was the guy who was beaten mercilessly by Antifa.

00:27:34.000 They took all his equipment and received zero charges the same night.

00:27:37.000 Max and John got four years, and they will be out in a week.

00:27:42.000 Whoa.

00:27:43.000 Four years is over in a week.

00:27:46.000 Isn't that nuts?

00:27:47.000 That is wild.

00:27:48.000 A little over a week, but you got me.

00:27:51.000 His telegram's gone.

00:27:53.000 Or it's not gone.

00:27:54.000 You can't look at it on iPhone.

00:27:55.000 Gypsy Crusader.

00:27:57.000 I don't care.

00:27:58.000 It's a pretty big deal.

00:27:59.000 Even Telegram censored.

00:28:00.000 That was supposed to be one of the most uncensored places ever.

00:28:04.000 You wouldn't believe Ryan these days.

00:28:06.000 This morning I came into work and he goes, he told me about two things he invented that he just thought of.

00:28:11.000 One is the phone and the other is a boxing glove.

00:28:14.000 And I had to break it to him that both these things exist.

00:28:17.000 I have two inventions.

00:28:18.000 You don't let me finish here.

00:28:20.000 One is a phone.

00:28:21.000 Phones are invented, okay?

00:28:23.000 They've had them since Alexander Graham Bell first came up with them in the year 18036.

00:28:28.000 But it does more than that.

00:28:31.000 It's an iPhone?

00:28:32.000 You have it outside of your door when you're...

00:28:37.000 Then when somebody steals it, you zap them.

00:28:39.000 So it's not actually a phone.

00:28:41.000 It just electrocutes them.

00:28:42.000 It electrocutes their ears or whatever, their hands.

00:28:45.000 Their hands, yes.

00:28:47.000 You would be sued into oblivion.

00:28:49.000 It's not legal, though.

00:28:50.000 It's just an invention.

00:28:51.000 You would be sued into oblivion.

00:28:54.000 If you bought an illegal phone zapper and you zap someone.

00:28:57.000 I'd like to see them find one shred of proof that I've ever come up with this before.

00:29:00.000 Anyway, the owner of the zapping machine.

00:29:04.000 What if they didn't know it zaps?

00:29:06.000 What if they're like, oh, it's defective?

00:29:09.000 No, the police will have heard of the zappers, so that's a terrible idea.

00:29:13.000 Second one is a pair of boxing gloves.

00:29:17.000 Been invented.

00:29:18.000 Every gym has at least one pair of boxing gloves.

00:29:22.000 So that's not a good invention.

00:29:24.000 I didn't finish this.

00:29:28.000 A hand?

00:29:29.000 Because that's what boxing gloves are.

00:29:31.000 Not at all.

00:29:32.000 A fist.

00:29:32.000 No, it's a sensor.

00:29:33.000 So when you hit something, it says how hard you've hit it.

00:29:38.000 And getting good at you.

00:29:39.000 And then also there's a sensor just level with the floor.

00:29:43.000 So whenever it registers a hit, it tells you whether you hit like up near the head or low.

00:29:48.000 No, no, no.

00:29:49.000 That's a good idea.

00:29:50.000 But here's what you do.

00:29:51.000 It's a sensor that goes on your knuckles.

00:29:54.000 You put it in your wraps.

00:29:55.000 And then you punch.

00:29:57.000 And it's a 0.8 or whatever, pounds of pressure.

00:30:00.000 Probably like 9 million for me, but go ahead.

00:30:02.000 Okay.

00:30:04.000 Your phone is filming you.

00:30:07.000 Okay.

00:30:07.000 And it starts, it's synced up with the sensor.

00:30:10.000 So then you watch back the video, and because it was synced, then this 0.8, you can see the 0.8 happening.

00:30:19.000 I might even have a camera.

00:30:20.000 That's part of it.

00:30:21.000 Just a cheap little camera just to...

00:30:24.000 You use the camera with your phone, guy.

00:30:26.000 You could, but.

00:30:28.000 Where's the camera that you invented?

00:30:29.000 Well, it's a little bit more.

00:30:31.000 You wonder why GoPro recall is still fucked several years after the hurricane.

00:30:35.000 Because now it takes over your phone.

00:30:38.000 Now you have to record it with your phone.

00:30:39.000 It's two actions instead of one.

00:30:41.000 So if you have it, this little device that it's like a two-piecer, where it's like, you got the glove thing, and then you set up this little tripod and it records.

00:30:50.000 You're making me sad.

00:30:52.000 You should start a show for Goths called Ryan's Inventions, and people can just watch it killing themselves.

00:30:58.000 It sounds like the Smiths.

00:30:59.000 It's what the Smiths look like.

00:31:01.000 If you want to get really dark, listen to Ryan's brain work.

00:31:06.000 All right, let's do some feminism.

00:31:10.000 The world that is the storm, the perfect storm, the I am the change.

00:31:14.000 Close.

00:31:14.000 In the storm.

00:31:16.000 Who here identifies as a feminist?

00:31:19.000 We are the storm, the very form of change that the world has been waiting for.

00:31:28.000 You said I was too pretty to fight.

00:31:33.000 That's a topic that did not skill me if you don't realize how you're behaving.

00:31:39.000 So where do we put this episode, Ryan?

00:31:42.000 The audio is free on all podcast places, right?

00:31:45.000 Yep.

00:31:46.000 And then where's the video?

00:31:49.000 That is on censored.tv under the free shit section.

00:31:52.000 So if you're not logged in, you'll only see the free.

00:31:55.000 But is it also on Bumble and Rumble and Jumbo?

00:31:58.000 It can be.

00:31:59.000 We don't get a ton because we don't advertise that we're on those things.

00:32:03.000 So if people search it, sure, it pops up.

00:32:05.000 But I figure if you're under the shop.

00:32:06.000 It's under several thousand, don't bother.

00:32:08.000 It is.

00:32:10.000 Because it's spread out.

00:32:11.000 We have Rumble, Gab TV, BitChute.

00:32:14.000 All right, so it's just on Censored.

00:32:15.000 Go to Censored for it.

00:32:16.000 Go to Censored.

00:32:17.000 You have a home here, even if you're not subscribed.

00:32:19.000 There's tons of free shit.

00:32:23.000 I found the Perfect Wife, if you're interested.

00:32:27.000 I'm.

00:32:28.000 She's an ex-soccer player.

00:32:30.000 Probably a dyke.

00:32:31.000 I have a strange attraction to lesbians.

00:32:34.000 Does that mean I'm a gay?

00:32:36.000 Maybe because they're the ungettable thing.

00:32:39.000 No, I'll just see a gal and I'll go, she seems like a lot of fun.

00:32:42.000 And then I'll dig deeper and I'll be like, oh, you were a soccer star?

00:32:46.000 Yeah, you're gay.

00:32:50.000 And you're good at skateboarding.

00:32:51.000 That's not a good sign.

00:32:52.000 If a woman is really good at surfing and skating barefoot, she's probably gay.

00:32:58.000 Maybe like the fact that not a lot of guys have been with her.

00:33:01.000 Maybe even none.

00:33:03.000 Yeah.

00:33:04.000 I've also noticed that I'll see like a lesbian couple and the man in the relationship will have like a jean jacket on and shaggy hair and I'll be like, that guy seems like a chill dude.

00:33:14.000 And then I'll realize, oh, I'm looking at a woman.

00:33:19.000 Look at that cup of tea.

00:33:22.000 Look at those cans.

00:33:24.000 And she's smiling in every single photograph.

00:33:27.000 Val LaForge.

00:33:29.000 She Hawaiian, eh?

00:33:31.000 No, I don't think so.

00:33:33.000 Why'd you say A for Hawaiians?

00:33:36.000 I wish that was on my bag.

00:33:39.000 What if she fell on your bag?

00:33:41.000 Yeah.

00:33:41.000 I don't know why that would hurt.

00:33:44.000 Just a quality human being and not too pretty.

00:33:48.000 Yo, I'm so excited to share with you my new flowerboard.

00:33:54.000 Isn't that just a groovy gal?

00:33:57.000 Yep.

00:33:57.000 She better not catch any air.

00:34:00.000 Why?

00:34:01.000 Well, girls, this is how girls skate.

00:34:03.000 They usually don't try to catch any air.

00:34:05.000 And when they do, it's terrible.

00:34:07.000 It's too aggressive catching air.

00:34:09.000 Yeah.

00:34:09.000 Be ladylike.

00:34:11.000 Just be grooving.

00:34:13.000 Groove along, ladies.

00:34:17.000 I'm realizing now I didn't put enough stuff in the feminism section.

00:34:20.000 That's not very good for business, is it?

00:34:22.000 I could hit the master list.

00:34:26.000 I did a bad job of my job today.

00:34:29.000 and you're watching Failure live on air.

00:34:31.000 I got...

00:34:38.000 I got some stuff here.

00:34:39.000 Okay.

00:34:40.000 The Paving the Way, The 35-year-old?

00:34:42.000 Yeah, let's look at that one.

00:34:43.000 Let's do those two.

00:34:45.000 The first two of feminism in the Master Doc I meant to put into this list.

00:34:50.000 Oh, hey, this is fucking awesome.

00:34:52.000 My bikini waxer said something.

00:34:54.000 Let's see your face.

00:34:55.000 My bikini waxer said something that blew my mind this week.

00:34:58.000 We were talking about feeling lost after turning 34 and why we felt that way.

00:35:02.000 Then she said, we're not the first generation of 30.

00:35:06.000 Yeah, sorry.

00:35:07.000 We're the first generation of 30-somethings not building traditional families.

00:35:11.000 There's no blueprint for us.

00:35:13.000 We're paving the way to misery and loneliness and a horrible life.

00:35:19.000 What am I, Nick Oaks now?

00:35:21.000 Hello.

00:35:22.000 Oh, yeah.

00:35:23.000 I was testing that out, but I didn't know everybody saw that.

00:35:25.000 I'm sorry.

00:35:26.000 Yeah, thanks.

00:35:27.000 Why don't you focus on the job that's here in the here and now, the live show?

00:35:32.000 This is a great example of women being agreeable, always staying positive.

00:35:36.000 Like that girl we just saw before, big smile, super fun, really groovy.

00:35:41.000 And that's great when you're a mom.

00:35:43.000 That's great when you're in a family.

00:35:44.000 When you're a lonely spinster, ending your legacy of 200,000 years, you manage to take a miserable situation and make it positive.

00:35:53.000 Like, I'm waxing my pussy because no one wants it anymore.

00:35:56.000 I'm trying to make myself flawless.

00:35:59.000 And now it's paving the way.

00:36:02.000 Now you're a revolutionary.

00:36:04.000 And what's the guy say about this?

00:36:06.000 Sad sack of potatoes?

00:36:08.000 We are facing an army of witches in the making, the likes of which will make Solomon tremble.

00:36:14.000 The amount of single woman that will be driven into hysteria once they realize they can't have families will be a wicked force.

00:36:19.000 Kabul knows this.

00:36:22.000 Yep.

00:36:23.000 What's the thread, though?

00:36:24.000 What's he saying after that?

00:36:25.000 You know where you really see this too is at old age homes.

00:36:28.000 I've talked to people who work in them and people who have children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren, they have a vibe about them.

00:36:35.000 Hey, man, I'm here on the back nine, about to go into this abyss, about to release myself from this mortal coil.

00:36:44.000 Bye-bye.

00:36:46.000 Home to mommy.

00:36:48.000 God probably likes me.

00:36:50.000 And the ones who don't have any kids are hysterical, demonic, unhinged.

00:36:55.000 What does he say?

00:36:56.000 As a result, they will be susceptible to a two-fold action.

00:37:00.000 One, complete chaos, all doing their own thing, no maternal role, so they will seek, indulge in Jezebel narcissism.

00:37:07.000 Two, what is Cabal?

00:37:09.000 Is that like some demon in hell?

00:37:12.000 Cabal will, and probably already does, have things set in place to ground them, aka the government.

00:37:18.000 All right, I don't want to get that far into the other dude.

00:37:21.000 What's the other?

00:37:26.000 The other 35-year-old?

00:37:28.000 The next one?

00:37:30.000 This segment is sucking rocks right now.

00:37:33.000 Broads ruin everything, you say?

00:37:35.000 Oh, yeah, this is funny.

00:37:38.000 And all my friends are married, and they're always giving me advice.

00:37:40.000 They're just listening.

00:37:42.000 They're just take care of me.

00:37:43.000 I'm like, I'm really funny.

00:37:44.000 This is urgent.

00:37:45.000 There's nothing casual about my life.

00:37:50.000 I need to text guys at night and be like, "Are you up for starting a family?" This is so So much of female comedy is just a bunch of facts.

00:38:08.000 When I'm watching the thing, yeah, that's horrible.

00:38:10.000 I'm not laughing.

00:38:12.000 And 35, sorry, babe.

00:38:15.000 Way too late.

00:38:17.000 Nobody wants you.

00:38:22.000 25 in New York City is 35.

00:38:24.000 All my friends are married.

00:38:26.000 To most.

00:38:27.000 Like, the guys that want you are just going to be fucking 25-year-olds.

00:38:31.000 And that's why I said, don't come here.

00:38:33.000 New York City is an elephant's graveyard for ovaries.

00:38:35.000 I did it at a talk once, and all the women in the place stormed out.

00:38:38.000 It was a company called Happy Corp that was sponsoring speakers, and they had me come in and do a talk about New York City and what it's like to come here.

00:38:48.000 And I got up there, and it was half woman, maybe two-thirds woman.

00:38:51.000 And I said, don't come here, ladies.

00:38:52.000 You're not going to find a rich guy.

00:38:53.000 You fucked up.

00:38:54.000 You shouldn't have left your hometown.

00:38:56.000 Your lives are going to be miserable.

00:38:58.000 And I used the elephant's graver For oversing, and they all started storming out in a rage.

00:39:02.000 And then Happy Corp went under.

00:39:06.000 Ah, that was fun.

00:39:07.000 All right, let's do.

00:39:09.000 Let's hope this next segment is better and do The War on Kids.

00:39:14.000 Short but sweet.

00:39:15.000 I want to do short little versions of all our usual segments so people can get a little taste of Runski.

00:39:22.000 Hello, fam!

00:39:23.000 I had a text page upgrade.

00:39:25.000 Who wants to pamp my bag?

00:39:27.000 We are living in an ageism era where children are seen as human garbage.

00:39:33.000 Regulations to indoctrinate American school children with poisonous and divisive left-wing doctrines.

00:39:39.000 Fun your face!

00:39:44.000 I know why I hated the feminism thing.

00:39:46.000 Why?

00:39:46.000 Because I was thinking of something and then I forgot about it, and that made me feel bad.

00:39:50.000 And I thought the badness was resenting the segment, but it was really mad at myself for forgetting a cute little anecdote, which I've already told you a hundred times.

00:39:59.000 But because this is a free show, we're kind of talking to new people.

00:40:02.000 So I'm going to repeat stories more than I usually do, which is quite a lot.

00:40:06.000 Remember that time we were at Sundance promoting the Brotherhood of the Traveling Rants?

00:40:12.000 And I was with my old pal, Steve Durand.

00:40:15.000 And he met some dude.

00:40:18.000 Steve used to do motocross because his parents got divorced when we were 13 and he could have whatever he wanted.

00:40:23.000 So he got a motorcycle when we were teenagers.

00:40:26.000 We all had fucking BMXs.

00:40:27.000 He had a dirt bike.

00:40:29.000 And so he competed and stuff with that.

00:40:32.000 And there was some guy who was riding down the mountain in the summer.

00:40:37.000 Was it snowing out?

00:40:39.000 Yeah, it was snowing.

00:40:40.000 Sorry.

00:40:41.000 So he was riding down the mountain.

00:40:42.000 He does it in the summer, but he does it in the winter too.

00:40:44.000 And they have these like weird wheels they put on.

00:40:46.000 They're doing jumps that are made of ice.

00:40:49.000 And they have these like knobby tires that have spikes on them.

00:40:52.000 They can ride ice.

00:40:54.000 Sounds like it would hurt to fall, no?

00:40:57.000 Anyway, those guys bonded.

00:40:59.000 And then I saw some lezzy-looking dude who looked like a shaggy dog.

00:41:03.000 And he had on a little vest, Patagonia thing, and he had on moccasins and some sort of quilted pants.

00:41:10.000 And he was talking to a bunch of moms and making them laugh.

00:41:12.000 And I was like, that's my kind of guy.

00:41:14.000 And then Steve goes, that dude was, he comes back over to the table after talking to that guy.

00:41:18.000 And he goes, that dude was pretty cool.

00:41:19.000 Got his number.

00:41:20.000 He might get beers later.

00:41:22.000 And I go, oh yeah, I was kind of checking out this dude.

00:41:24.000 He seems like a pretty hip cat.

00:41:26.000 And Steve got so mad.

00:41:29.000 And he goes, ugh, look at the kind of guys I'm into.

00:41:33.000 And look at the kind of guys you're into, you fucking faggot.

00:41:40.000 Ooh, I got to put that on my list.

00:41:43.000 What, your hits?

00:41:44.000 No, it is not my hits.

00:41:46.000 It's things that make me smile.

00:41:48.000 Oh, okay.

00:41:49.000 Because if you were the stones, like you as one man, that would probably be paint it black.

00:41:55.000 Yeah.

00:41:55.000 It's not satisfaction.

00:41:57.000 No.

00:41:58.000 And it ain't, you know, brown sugar.

00:42:02.000 Actually, it could be.

00:42:03.000 I think it's brown sugar.

00:42:04.000 You know what is at the top of this list?

00:42:06.000 Things that make me smile when I think about them?

00:42:08.000 Me dying.

00:42:12.000 Scary Perry talking about when he was raped, lying about when he was raped, and saying a bottle broke in his ass after he was raped with a bottle.

00:42:18.000 And he goes, I didn't mean to squeeze, but I squoze.

00:42:21.000 And the bottle broke.

00:42:23.000 I meant to squeeze.

00:42:24.000 I thought it was, I meant to squeeze, but I squoze.

00:42:26.000 I should have squeezed, but I should have squoze.

00:42:28.000 Shut up, Brian.

00:42:30.000 I don't know.

00:42:30.000 I meant to squeeze, but I squoze.

00:42:32.000 And that broke the battle.

00:42:34.000 Kimberly Guilfois seeing me clean my ass in the bathroom because the door lock didn't work and having a panic attack.

00:42:41.000 Fleckis, I said, why aren't you a Mets fan?

00:42:44.000 You're like a fat dude with a beard.

00:42:45.000 And he goes, well, and here's the crucial part of this story.

00:42:48.000 He was not kidding one bit.

00:42:51.000 So he wasn't trying to be funny.

00:42:52.000 He was definitely thinking about it.

00:42:54.000 And he was like, why aren't I a Mets fan?

00:42:56.000 Well, I'm not a Jew and I'm not retarded.

00:42:58.000 So it never occurred to me.

00:43:00.000 And every time I tell people that story, they think it's like an anti-Semitic joke or something.

00:43:04.000 I'm like, no, no, no, no, no.

00:43:06.000 He was honestly working it out in his head.

00:43:09.000 Like, you say to a black guy, why didn't you play lacrosse?

00:43:13.000 Well, I'm not a white dude and I'm not rich.

00:43:15.000 So it never really came up.

00:43:18.000 You could have thrown, I'm not from Queensland.

00:43:20.000 Why aren't you Amish?

00:43:21.000 Well, I didn't grow up in Pennsylvania.

00:43:23.000 I'm not that religious, so it never occurred to me.

00:43:26.000 Butter's just okay, in my opinion.

00:43:30.000 And then, of course, my favorite one, this just pops into my head, and I just feel joy.

00:43:35.000 So if I'm hungover or I'm puking or something, I think about these things and I feel happy.

00:43:40.000 And that is DJ Khaled playing his free guitar.

00:43:44.000 I can just see it right now.

00:43:46.000 And it just, it brings, some people want to look at a fountain.

00:43:50.000 Some people like staring at the fireplace.

00:43:52.000 I think of DJ Khaled playing his free guitar and I just go, ah.

00:43:57.000 Get it close up.

00:43:58.000 Get a close up.

00:43:59.000 Get a close up of the case.

00:44:01.000 The guitar.

00:44:02.000 He might be the dumbest man in show business.

00:44:05.000 This is the type of shit that likes the 16-year-old guitar.

00:44:09.000 Look, look, he can't read, please.

00:44:11.000 He can't read.

00:44:12.000 DJ Khaled, we're excited to share this.

00:44:14.000 So rich his maid is white.

00:44:16.000 As someone who has an appreciation for Bob Marley's life and music, we want you to be one of the first to play the Guild of 20 Marley.

00:44:23.000 Based on Bob's at home songwriting guitar from 56 Hope Road.

00:44:27.000 This guitar-inspired songs that help unite the world, and we hope it gives you a lot of fun.

00:44:31.000 I wish he had read it as well.

00:44:32.000 I'd like to see his other hand.

00:44:42.000 the frets I've never heard an E string that much.

00:44:53.000 Doesn't that just bring joy to your life?

00:44:56.000 This is the guy, by the way, who bowed out in the Hot Wings competition after, I think, two sauces.

00:45:02.000 I'm not quitting, though.

00:45:03.000 And he's like, I won.

00:45:04.000 Because in a way, I didn't hurt myself.

00:45:06.000 Well, the thing is, if you go to the end, you're playing yourself because you're hurting yourself and you're damaging your health.

00:45:13.000 So if you bow out early, you're healthier.

00:45:17.000 Your body's in better shape now because you didn't kill yourself with wings.

00:45:20.000 So you win.

00:45:22.000 And the other guy who invented the game is like, no, that's not the game.

00:45:27.000 You don't win the game.

00:45:29.000 You quit.

00:45:32.000 You know, it's a big show, but it's the finger licking.

00:45:36.000 You know how you find the part you look at the levels of what's the most popular because it's really early.

00:45:41.000 Somebody clipped this one, though.

00:45:43.000 Schoenberger is hot.

00:45:46.000 Yeah, no shit.

00:45:47.000 What's in the name?

00:45:49.000 A winner.

00:45:50.000 Yo, bro, is yours different than mine?

00:45:53.000 I want to switch.

00:45:54.000 All right.

00:45:54.000 What, your brain?

00:45:55.000 Yes.

00:45:57.000 It's first much.

00:45:58.000 I went to somebody.

00:46:00.000 I promise you, if I stop, doesn't mean I gave up.

00:46:04.000 Yes, it does.

00:46:05.000 No.

00:46:06.000 By definition.

00:46:07.000 A winner.

00:46:08.000 What the fuck that means just because I quit doesn't mean I gave up.

00:46:16.000 W-E-T-H-E-B-E-S-T We the best!

00:46:20.000 I didn't give up because...

00:46:21.000 Anyway, this is not exactly the war on kids.

00:46:23.000 This one is pretty heavy.

00:46:24.000 I'm glad we started nice and light because this is perfect, eloquent.

00:46:32.000 I'd like to hear the radical left tell us that we're insane after watching this clip.

00:46:36.000 And kudos to the father for not losing his shit and destroying that entire place.

00:46:41.000 I don't...

00:46:49.000 Hi, my name is Nox Zayjak.

00:46:50.000 I'm 11 years old and I go to Wyndham Middle School.

00:46:53.000 I'm a sixth grader.

00:46:55.000 I was in the library and my client was on a stand.

00:46:59.000 I'd like to read you a page.

00:47:01.000 My back over my hips as I ask if we should take our clothes off.

00:47:06.000 And he's saying yes before I finish my sentence.

00:47:09.000 He's pulling off my t-shirt, laughing when I can't undo his shirt buttons.

00:47:13.000 He's undoing my belt.

00:47:15.000 I'm reaching into his bedside drawer for a condom.

00:47:18.000 We're kissing.

00:47:19.000 Again, we're rolling over.

00:47:20.000 Obviously, you can see where this is going.

00:47:22.000 I don't know if it's because we're feeling especially emotional or just tired.

00:47:27.000 Or these past couple of weeks have been too much.

00:47:30.000 But this reminds me so much of the first time we had sex.

00:47:33.000 We were both fucking terrified.

00:47:35.000 And the whole thing was kind of terrible because we didn't know what we were doing.

00:47:40.000 But it was good too.

00:47:42.000 It was so good.

00:47:43.000 Because we were a mess of emotions.

00:47:45.000 And we were scared and excited.

00:47:47.000 And everything felt new.

00:47:49.000 So this sort of thing, this sort of feels like that.

00:47:52.000 Nick touches me like he's scared that any minute.

00:47:56.000 Now, this book was at my middle school and it was on a stand.

00:47:59.000 When I rented it out to show my dad it, the librarian asked if I wanted more and if I wanted a graphic novel version.

00:48:09.000 Short and sweet.

00:48:10.000 And this isn't something scripted.

00:48:12.000 He just read from the book, right?

00:48:15.000 Oh, boy.

00:48:18.000 So I'm that kid's father.

00:48:20.000 Okay, good.

00:48:21.000 I was asking for you.

00:48:22.000 Yeah, I'll take another three minutes.

00:48:24.000 So that's my son.

00:48:26.000 Okay.

00:48:26.000 11 years old.

00:48:28.000 And went to his library and found that by the entry door of our library, this is the smut that he is finding.

00:48:38.000 Just pause.

00:48:39.000 I've heard the argument from the other side.

00:48:40.000 You know what they say?

00:48:42.000 Let me tell you something.

00:48:43.000 It was black people on MSNBC.

00:48:45.000 Let me tell you something.

00:48:46.000 Your son is seen a lot worse on the internet, okay?

00:48:49.000 Okay.

00:48:50.000 I'm not buying that.

00:48:52.000 11?

00:48:53.000 11.

00:48:55.000 They don't.

00:48:56.000 My boy is on his iPad.

00:48:58.000 He's 10.

00:48:59.000 I see what he looks at.

00:49:01.000 We have it, obviously, family protected, but he's not interested in hearing about two gays having hot sex.

00:49:07.000 It's not something they want to Google.

00:49:08.000 And those were, make no mistake about it, those were two homosexuals in that opening, grabbing the condoms.

00:49:14.000 Even if so, even if it is on the internet, leave it on the internet, not in the fucking school library.

00:49:18.000 Yeah, yeah, good point.

00:49:20.000 Yeah, that's like the school library has joints as you watch.

00:49:23.000 Oh, there's smoking.

00:49:24.000 Let me tell you something.

00:49:25.000 Those kids get plenty of joints on the streets.

00:49:28.000 Okay.

00:49:29.000 This is a school joint.

00:49:30.000 I'm working on the second one.

00:49:32.000 I don't need you adding a new one in front of it.

00:49:37.000 I don't care whether it's gay, straight, bisexual, whatever the terms are for all this stuff.

00:49:44.000 It doesn't need to be at our school.

00:49:47.000 It doesn't need to be at my 11-year-old's library.

00:49:50.000 And then as far as genderqueer, I've got a son in the high school as well.

00:49:55.000 And this is bullshit.

00:49:57.000 We know it.

00:49:58.000 All right.

00:49:59.000 We do not need to be having literature that's showing boys how to suck dick.

00:50:05.000 All right.

00:50:05.000 This is a very, very frustrating book.

00:50:09.000 We're the radical ones.

00:50:10.000 We're the radical ones.

00:50:11.000 Like, show that to Obama and Clinton in 2004 and go, by the way, this is not your side.

00:50:18.000 These are your enemies.

00:50:19.000 Can you believe that, guys, who want strong borders and don't believe in gay marriage?

00:50:24.000 What a fucking mess.

00:50:25.000 You may think that schools know the best for our children.

00:50:28.000 You know who know the best for our children?

00:50:30.000 The parents.

00:50:32.000 I like that shirt.

00:50:34.000 I sent you some extras there, Ryan.

00:50:37.000 I think I texted them to you because there's one.

00:50:40.000 I have my file and I'm going to do some deep dives on this, but there's some things that can't wait.

00:50:44.000 And this thing is going around.

00:50:45.000 It's been sent to us 150 times.

00:50:48.000 And it is a real exaggeration of what we've been complaining about.

00:50:53.000 If you were to have, let me just be very clear about this.

00:50:55.000 If you were to have a homosexual man, like one of the queer eyes from the straight guy, read to kids, all right, I don't really give a shit.

00:51:01.000 An effeminate man is reading to kids.

00:51:03.000 I don't know why you're doing that.

00:51:05.000 The conceit is that we have to show kids gays because gays are getting beat up by other kids in school and they're getting bullied and they feel vulnerable.

00:51:14.000 And I don't believe you.

00:51:15.000 I'm sure there was fag bashing 50 years ago.

00:51:18.000 It's not a thing.

00:51:19.000 It's crazy, man.

00:51:20.000 Listen, the way that they're putting sex in these schools, all over the place, in libraries, they're even teaching it in the classes.

00:51:27.000 Makes me sick, man.

00:51:28.000 If there were zombies outside and we were in a zombie apocalypse, would you bring in a flesh-eating zombie into the class?

00:51:34.000 No, you wouldn't.

00:51:35.000 Okay?

00:51:36.000 So I'm sick of it, man.

00:51:38.000 Are you the lead guitarist of U2?

00:51:40.000 What's that?

00:51:41.000 Do you play guitar for U2?

00:51:43.000 U2 does not have a lead or rhythm guitarist.

00:51:46.000 One guitarist is the Edge.

00:51:49.000 Okay.

00:51:49.000 I'm Tim Poole.

00:51:50.000 Oh, Tim Poole, sorry.

00:51:51.000 Yes.

00:51:54.000 Yeah, so they're pretending we have a problem with that.

00:51:57.000 We're like, we don't want kids around kids.

00:51:58.000 You're going to fuck them.

00:52:00.000 No, we don't want you to be sexual around kids, and we would be just as mad if you had strippers around kids.

00:52:06.000 And I don't think strippers would be around kids.

00:52:08.000 I think if we went to a strip club in the Bronx and said, hi, like Foxes, for example, and we said, hey, ladies, would you like to come to the library to read to kids?

00:52:16.000 I think if any of them agreed to it, they'd show up in like slacks and a blazer.

00:52:22.000 They would not come in wearing their drag queenness.

00:52:25.000 So is it to groom kids?

00:52:29.000 Some of them are.

00:52:30.000 Some of them are pedophiles.

00:52:32.000 A disproportionate number.

00:52:34.000 Want me to come up with a number off my head?

00:52:36.000 I'd say 10% of these drag queens want to fuck the kids or molest them in some way.

00:52:42.000 90% just love the attention and they love that it pisses me off.

00:52:46.000 That's really the crux of the drag queen's motive.

00:52:49.000 The parents have a similar motive and their thing is like Republicans hate this and we want to show our kids variety and we're not homophobic.

00:52:57.000 Hate has no home here.

00:52:58.000 It's like those restaurants that say, we welcome all kinds of people here.

00:53:03.000 People of color, immigrants, you know, the law.

00:53:07.000 Black people are allowed in our restaurant.

00:53:08.000 Like those fucking signs.

00:53:10.000 Hate has no home here.

00:53:12.000 We don't have clan rallies in our house.

00:53:13.000 Makes you want to have a clan rally in your house.

00:53:15.000 Anyway, this is the most recent take.

00:53:17.000 And again, it's an exaggeration of everything we've been concerned about.

00:53:21.000 They're not just sexualizing 10-year-olds pre-pubescence.

00:53:25.000 These are fucking babies now?

00:53:28.000 What?

00:53:28.000 What parent?

00:53:30.000 I want to meet these parents.

00:53:32.000 We'll do it on Skype if you're scared of me hurting.

00:53:36.000 Yes!

00:53:37.000 Good.

00:53:39.000 Good crotch shot with the babies all around you.

00:53:42.000 Spread your legs.

00:53:44.000 There we go.

00:53:45.000 Spread those legs.

00:53:47.000 What the fuck?

00:53:52.000 It's so devoid of talent, too.

00:53:55.000 It's just shitty karaoke.

00:53:58.000 It's a minstrel show for women.

00:54:00.000 It's a woman face.

00:54:04.000 Spread your legs, please.

00:54:10.000 Yes, shake your ass.

00:54:12.000 The origin of twerking is fucking from behind.

00:54:17.000 That's what it means.

00:54:19.000 It means, let's fuck later on.

00:54:21.000 I'm good to fuck.

00:54:24.000 So any babies out there watching the show, the people who watch the show are called Baby Monsters.

00:54:28.000 If you were wondering what it's like to fuck, you can just ask your parents to take you to one of those.

00:54:33.000 Let's take a 90-degree turn here because I'm getting depressed and mad at the same time.

00:54:38.000 And check out an annoying commercial I saw about difficult last names.

00:54:43.000 The screen is green and we are...

00:55:04.000 Look at that, I'm not, We got wrong background.

00:55:10.000 Just start with the video that we're talking about.

00:55:12.000 Now, this is Hassan Minhaj, who is the opposite of a victim of affirmative, I mean, of prejudice.

00:55:21.000 He's the recipient of an affirmative action hire.

00:55:25.000 Back when the Daily Show was looking for more color, they said, who do you got?

00:55:30.000 You got any black dudes?

00:55:31.000 Just freeze that.

00:55:34.000 Yeah, we're using all the black dudes.

00:55:36.000 And then they said, okay, oh, you know what he really like?

00:55:39.000 A Muslim.

00:55:40.000 Packy would be ideal, but we'll take an Indian.

00:55:44.000 We need a brown guy that's not Hispanic or black.

00:55:47.000 And they go, there are none.

00:55:49.000 And then there was talk of some dork who does open mics named Hassan Minaj.

00:55:55.000 And they go, how about him?

00:55:57.000 Well, he has zero.

00:55:58.000 Look, I was crouching down.

00:55:59.000 He has zero experience.

00:56:02.000 So, how bad can he be?

00:56:04.000 And so they catapult him up to the Daily Show.

00:56:07.000 And he does, oh, you fucked up.

00:56:13.000 He does the same old shit that the Daily Show does, which is talking to Republicans, taking an hour and editing it down to nothing to make them look dumb.

00:56:22.000 I was on his show.

00:56:23.000 He did a thing about women's soccer not making enough money.

00:56:27.000 And I said, yeah, it doesn't make enough money because people don't like it because it sucks.

00:56:33.000 And that, of course, was, I guess, sexist.

00:56:36.000 And at one point he goes, name some female soccer players.

00:56:40.000 I don't know any female soccer players because I don't watch it because it sucks.

00:56:43.000 So that helps my point.

00:56:44.000 And I just made up a bunch of names as a joke, like Bottle Coke Lemieux.

00:56:47.000 And he put those in.

00:56:49.000 And then, even though I told him I was kidding, he made it seem like I was like lying on purpose.

00:56:54.000 That's what they do.

00:56:55.000 And then they get away with it because they say it's comedy.

00:56:57.000 Anyway, sorry, long tangent to explain that Hassan Min Haj is an incompetent douche who's been red carpeted into his position because we live in a country that is obsessed with racism and guilt.

00:57:11.000 And we want to fix our invisible mistakes.

00:57:16.000 We have systemic racism in this country and we feel horrible about it.

00:57:19.000 We'll get to racism next after this.

00:57:21.000 So Hassan's got a career now because of his ethnicity and he uses that career to bitch about racism.

00:57:30.000 There he is, trying to edit me wrong.

00:57:34.000 You can find this online.

00:57:36.000 Oh, and another big thing that got him his career, by the way, was bitching about Ashton Kutcher in a pop chip sad.

00:57:43.000 That was him, right?

00:57:44.000 Yeah, that was his real claim to fame.

00:57:45.000 So he had the open mics in this commercial.

00:57:48.000 I'm not sure which came first.

00:57:49.000 And in it, he criticizes Ashton Kutcher for doing a jabuti-duty voice.

00:57:54.000 And he's like, we don't talk like that.

00:57:56.000 Yeah, you absolutely do.

00:58:00.000 That, okay, that one, yeah.

00:58:01.000 The most delicious thing on the planet.

00:58:04.000 Number one, white dude in brown face.

00:58:08.000 So?

00:58:08.000 Why?

00:58:09.000 Number two.

00:58:09.000 Because he's doing a character.

00:58:11.000 Even the men who are reasonable.

00:58:15.000 Just listen to his accent.

00:58:16.000 I like snooky and jay wow.

00:58:19.000 Wow.

00:58:20.000 I want to taste the sweetness on my lips.

00:58:25.000 You talk like that.

00:58:27.000 No Indian people talk like that.

00:58:28.000 Yeah, they do.

00:58:30.000 Don't you have earholes?

00:58:31.000 We don't sound like that.

00:58:32.000 Well, then it's a caricature, then.

00:58:34.000 Let's say you're right.

00:58:35.000 Then it's a caricature.

00:58:36.000 Yeah.

00:58:37.000 Have you ever heard a Scottish person on TV?

00:58:39.000 Like, why do you get to be special?

00:58:41.000 Why can't we act like you?

00:58:43.000 Why can't everyone do everyone else?

00:58:45.000 It's the same with Chinese.

00:58:46.000 You're not allowed to do a Chinese imitation or a Jamaican, but you can do a Scot.

00:58:51.000 I don't quite understand it.

00:58:53.000 I guess, you know why you can do a Scottish person and no one has a problem with it?

00:58:56.000 Because we can take it on the chin.

00:58:58.000 We're not pussies like you, Hassan.

00:58:59.000 Anyway, so he's got a job.

00:59:01.000 And like a lot of people of color in media, their entire existence is predicated on oppression.

00:59:07.000 So this commercial, which I've only seen the beginning of, because when I started to watch this, I went, ooh, I got to save this for the show and have fresh eyes with the baby monsters.

00:59:15.000 So in this commercial, him and a man with a last name that is literally impossible to say are complaining about people getting their last names wrong.

00:59:25.000 This man, Ujumba Dadukadugu, has Anteto Kunpo.

00:59:31.000 Antento Kumpo?

00:59:32.000 I actually don't know.

00:59:33.000 I'm not confident.

00:59:34.000 Yeah, like Zoomers can say it, but no one over the age of 14 can say this guy's fucking name.

00:59:42.000 You have to be a basketball maniac to know his name.

00:59:44.000 And Hassan Minhaj, just think of Nicki Minaj.

00:59:47.000 It's not that hard.

00:59:49.000 And by the way, why did your parents name you such a stupid name?

00:59:52.000 Like, if I emigrate to Japan, I'm not going to name my kid Mike.

00:59:57.000 He's going to be Huroku McInnes.

01:00:00.000 Like, assimilate.

01:00:02.000 You already have a weird last name.

01:00:04.000 Don't name your kid Hassan.

01:00:09.000 Okay?

01:00:11.000 Pro basketball player.

01:00:12.000 Establish him.

01:00:14.000 Hushan.

01:00:15.000 What?

01:00:16.000 Sorry.

01:00:17.000 Stop.

01:00:18.000 Muslims are 1% of the American population.

01:00:22.000 I apologize if a woman at a minimum wage job isn't familiar with the particular spelling of a Muslim name that represents 1% of the population.

01:00:31.000 My name is Gavin McInnes.

01:00:33.000 I'm Scots.

01:00:34.000 We built this country.

01:00:35.000 It wasn't slaves.

01:00:37.000 The people who actually lifted the stones were Scots-Irish.

01:00:40.000 So we're the guys behind the building you're in, and you should know how to say our names.

01:00:45.000 But they don't know how to say my name because most of the people on the phone are Puerto Ricans and they say Cabby Ines.

01:00:50.000 You know how much I complain about it?

01:00:51.000 Zero o'clock.

01:00:52.000 And you know how many people want to give me a commercial where I can bitch about people not getting how to pronounce McInnes?

01:00:59.000 There's no market for it, folks, because white people can't complain, but these assholes can complain.

01:01:04.000 You want to know how my name was spelt at Starbucks by a black woman once?

01:01:08.000 What?

01:01:08.000 How?

01:01:10.000 Ryan.

01:01:12.000 I kind of get her point.

01:01:13.000 Ryan.

01:01:14.000 It makes more sense in the way it's spelt.

01:01:16.000 It's Ryan.

01:01:18.000 Yeah, that makes sense.

01:01:19.000 Ryan.

01:01:21.000 Ryan.

01:01:22.000 It's perfect.

01:01:23.000 It makes more sense than Ryan.

01:01:25.000 Ryan.

01:01:26.000 Actually, yeah, I prefer her spelling.

01:01:28.000 Ryan.

01:01:29.000 Thanks, Black Ryan.

01:01:30.000 Starbucks.

01:01:31.000 Ryan.

01:01:32.000 Ryan.

01:01:33.000 Yes.

01:01:38.000 2023, and they still don't know how to spell what 1% of the population knows.

01:01:45.000 Okay, so you're missing some text here.

01:01:47.000 Let me scoot it.

01:01:49.000 Yeah.

01:01:54.000 So wait a minute.

01:01:55.000 Stop.

01:01:55.000 The struggle is real.

01:01:56.000 So is he admitting that this whole commercial is gay and boring by being sarcastic?

01:02:01.000 Let's set the record straight for everyone like us.

01:02:04.000 No one is like you, dude.

01:02:06.000 Ante Man Kapaka Pake?

01:02:08.000 Burn it out for him.

01:02:17.000 Me and you, horse right now.

01:02:19.000 Except it won't be horse, it'll be your last name.

01:02:22.000 Antetokounmpo.

01:02:25.000 Let's do it the Nigerian way.

01:02:26.000 Addetukumbo.

01:02:27.000 And then I kill you when we're done.

01:02:29.000 So even in this commercial where this guy is kissing this guy's ass, he can't even get the name right.

01:02:36.000 This guy can't even get his own name right.

01:02:39.000 So I guess he's a Nigerian who immigrated to Greece and the Greeks changed the spelling for whatever reason.

01:02:44.000 So he's like, no, no, I don't even like the Greek spelling on my driver's license.

01:02:49.000 I want to do the Nigerian one.

01:02:50.000 He's like, yeah, cool.

01:02:52.000 Like, that just killed the whole concept here.

01:02:54.000 We have simple names.

01:02:55.000 Why can't you understand them?

01:02:56.000 Okay, I'm going to say it right.

01:02:58.000 And this guy says it right, Antente Kumpo.

01:03:00.000 And he goes, no, that's the Greek dude Nigerian now.

01:03:03.000 Oh, for fuck's sakes.

01:03:05.000 I like Ellis Island, where they just said, Antentekumpo?

01:03:09.000 No, you're aunt.

01:03:10.000 No, you're aunt.

01:03:19.000 Here are the rules of horse.

01:03:20.000 The first player shoots.

01:03:21.000 If they make the shot, the next player has to match that shot.

01:03:23.000 If the player misses, they get a letter.

01:03:25.000 The first player two, Adenikumpo, loses.

01:03:28.000 And remember.

01:03:29.000 Wait, are you doing the Nigerian or the Greek?

01:03:32.000 I think he fucked up.

01:03:35.000 The player misses, they get a letter.

01:03:37.000 The first player two.

01:03:39.000 Oh, yeah, wait, wait.

01:03:40.000 Okay, in the title of the video, it's Etentikounpo with an O-U-N, Greek, and he has it there with just the U. So I think that is the Nigerian one.

01:03:52.000 So then why in the- Holy shit.

01:03:57.000 Yeah, look at that.

01:03:59.000 Do I got to take a night course to talk to you?

01:04:02.000 Adetokunbo.

01:04:05.000 And then there's Adeta Kunbo.

01:04:08.000 Adeta Kunbo.

01:04:10.000 So you have to know both spellings.

01:04:11.000 Wait, wait, zoom in.

01:04:12.000 Does he change it even in the title?

01:04:14.000 Yes.

01:04:14.000 Yeah.

01:04:14.000 There's two of them.

01:04:16.000 The game of Adeta Kunbo, starring Giannis and Tetakunbo.

01:04:23.000 Look at this shit.

01:04:24.000 Fuck fake.

01:04:25.000 Our last names are easy to understand.

01:04:28.000 Unless, of course, you're writing the title to this YouTube video, in which case it's kind of tricky.

01:04:34.000 Holy shit.

01:04:34.000 See, this is the problem with complainer culture.

01:04:37.000 They're so shitty at their jobs.

01:04:39.000 They're not sending their best.

01:04:40.000 Adekumpo loses.

01:04:43.000 And remember, no dunking.

01:04:46.000 Why are we going with your Nigerian name?

01:04:48.000 It means everything to me.

01:04:50.000 I grew up in Greece, and my parents are Nigeria, and that's who I am.

01:04:53.000 I got it representative.

01:04:55.000 Let's go.

01:04:56.000 You grew up in Greece?

01:04:57.000 Why aren't you representing Greece?

01:04:59.000 Ade means king.

01:05:00.000 King Tokumpo.

01:05:01.000 The crown as you're talking overseas.

01:05:04.000 We is kings.

01:05:06.000 I have friends that change their names, they have you know ethnic names.

01:05:10.000 Let's go!

01:05:10.000 And I went through that in comedy.

01:05:11.000 At any point, did you feel like, yo, I should change my name?

01:05:14.000 What would you change Hassan to?

01:05:16.000 Harry?

01:05:17.000 Harry Minhaj.

01:05:18.000 I don't believe you that you ever considered changing your names.

01:05:20.000 And yeah, if you have a really complicated name like Melon Camp, you should abbreviate it to Cougar.

01:05:26.000 I like how he's like trying to do regular ebonics with him.

01:05:29.000 He's like, you ever think to yourself, yo?

01:05:32.000 No, I'm Nigerian.

01:05:35.000 He's Greek.

01:05:36.000 He grew up in Greece.

01:05:37.000 He's doing a shout-out to his original, like his dad's culture.

01:05:40.000 Well, he doesn't say yo.

01:05:42.000 But yeah, Greeks don't say yo.

01:05:44.000 They say owl, my asshole hurts.

01:05:45.000 Please take that out.

01:05:46.000 At any point, did you feel like, yo, I should change my name?

01:05:49.000 I will never change my name.

01:05:52.000 I want to be myself.

01:05:53.000 Yakuza, Shina, Adetu Kumpo.

01:05:56.000 That's what's up.

01:05:57.000 What is the point of this commercial?

01:06:00.000 What's it a commercial for?

01:06:02.000 WhatsApp.

01:06:04.000 It's a commercial for WhatsApp?

01:06:05.000 Yeah.

01:06:06.000 Oh.

01:06:10.000 No matter where I'm in the world, I can talk to my family on WhatsApp.

01:06:13.000 And I can just celebrate every part of who I am.

01:06:16.000 All my names, all my identities.

01:06:18.000 Who are you trying to be, little man?

01:06:19.000 All my names.

01:06:20.000 How many names do you have?

01:06:21.000 What's up, Raju?

01:06:23.000 I can celebrate who I am, all my identities.

01:06:25.000 Hey, beta.

01:06:27.000 What are you doing?

01:06:27.000 They literally call him Beta.

01:06:29.000 What's up, Raju?

01:06:30.000 Hey, Beta.

01:06:31.000 We don't talk like that, motherfucker.

01:06:34.000 You know, you hear about the Greek guy who went into his proctologist and he said, yeah, my ass hurts.

01:06:41.000 It's been bleeding.

01:06:43.000 And he says, well, where does it hurt?

01:06:45.000 And he goes, right in the entrance.

01:06:46.000 Do you have any advice?

01:06:48.000 And he goes, yeah.

01:06:50.000 As long as you keep calling that your entrance, you're going to be having some serious problems.

01:06:57.000 What's your name on WhatsApp?

01:06:59.000 My name is Roger.

01:07:00.000 It means like king, prince.

01:07:02.000 It makes my sister mad.

01:07:03.000 King.

01:07:03.000 I'm a king.

01:07:04.000 It's a unique bird.

01:07:07.000 Ever noticed the biggest losers keep calling themselves king?

01:07:10.000 You don't have a lot of like successful white CEOs go, yo, I'm a CEO of Goldman Sachs.

01:07:16.000 I'm a king.

01:07:17.000 It's the bird.

01:07:18.000 It's like in New York, all the poorest people have the word cash tattooed on them or dollar signs on their fucking hands tattooed.

01:07:26.000 That's the bird which is.

01:07:26.000 You got to see it to be it.

01:07:28.000 The bird which is the bald eagle makes an appearance.

01:07:30.000 Oh, yeah.

01:07:32.000 I'm not going to lie.

01:07:33.000 Jumper's looking a little dry.

01:07:35.000 What does dry mean?

01:07:37.000 Woo!

01:07:38.000 I'm in his head.

01:07:40.000 I'm proud of my names.

01:07:41.000 What gives you pride?

01:07:42.000 Immigrants, when you're growing up, you feel like, oh, this is a weakness.

01:07:46.000 It's my greatest strength.

01:07:48.000 Yeah, it is, actually.

01:07:49.000 You're right.

01:07:49.000 It got you a career.

01:07:52.000 I used to hate being brown because I didn't look normal.

01:07:54.000 And then it became cool to not be normal.

01:07:56.000 And now I'm rich.

01:07:57.000 I'm American.

01:07:58.000 I'm Dacey.

01:07:59.000 I'm Indian.

01:08:00.000 This is my house.

01:08:05.000 Choke.

01:08:06.000 Immigrants are beautiful.

01:08:08.000 We're tough.

01:08:09.000 We're smart.

01:08:10.000 Our language is exquisite.

01:08:12.000 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

01:08:16.000 Immigrants are smart and tough.

01:08:18.000 Our language is exquisite.

01:08:20.000 Immigrants have one language?

01:08:22.000 What language is this?

01:08:24.000 Our language?

01:08:25.000 What do you speak?

01:08:26.000 I speak fluent immigrant.

01:08:28.000 Oh, okay.

01:08:29.000 You speak Farsi and Urdu and fucking Slovak.

01:08:34.000 Our language is beautiful.

01:08:36.000 Are you talking about Pakistanis?

01:08:38.000 Are you talking about Urdu?

01:08:39.000 What about British immigrants?

01:08:41.000 Yeah, is their language beautiful?

01:08:43.000 Feeling a dumb, dumb person.

01:08:46.000 Collectivism, because there's no one like us.

01:08:48.000 No one like us.

01:08:50.000 There's no one like us, immigrants?

01:08:53.000 Immigrants rock, especially our language.

01:08:57.000 Do you like immigrant language?

01:08:59.000 Me too.

01:09:00.000 It rocks.

01:09:02.000 I'm proud of it.

01:09:02.000 And I hope my kids can be the same.

01:09:05.000 Oh, my God.

01:09:06.000 Proud of it.

01:09:07.000 Well, if you still want to make it.

01:09:08.000 Are you ashamed of being a Nigerian Greek whose dad is in the NBA?

01:09:13.000 Will your kids be proud to be American because they'll live in America?

01:09:16.000 Yeah.

01:09:16.000 And I hope my kids can be the same.

01:09:19.000 Oh, my God.

01:09:24.000 Look, his stupid name's not going to fit on the fucking board.

01:09:27.000 Have you seen this dude's jersey?

01:09:29.000 It starts like on his ass and he goes all the way up his back like a giant horseshoe.

01:09:34.000 Oh, don't.

01:09:38.000 Oh, don't.

01:09:45.000 Damn it.

01:09:48.000 I'm here having these conversations with you.

01:09:50.000 I celebrate all my names, all my identities, all my cultures.

01:09:53.000 You said that.

01:09:54.000 All the cultures feel the same way because there's no one like us.

01:09:57.000 All right, bro, we're done.

01:09:58.000 Yeah.

01:09:58.000 That is the most low IQ fucking commercial I've ever seen.

01:10:02.000 We celebrate all our identities.

01:10:05.000 So he's talking about all identities in the world, basically, right?

01:10:09.000 Immigrants come from everywhere.

01:10:11.000 So he's saying there's nothing more unique than everyone in the world.

01:10:16.000 Fucking idiot.

01:10:18.000 Fucking idiot.

01:10:34.000 I gotta be honest.

01:10:38.000 There's one thing that I really like in the world.

01:10:40.000 One type of person.

01:10:42.000 Guess what type of person it is?

01:10:46.000 Biden?

01:10:47.000 No?

01:10:49.000 Immigrants.

01:10:50.000 Yes, that is true.

01:10:52.000 The thing I like about immigrants is I love their language.

01:10:55.000 Because it's so unique.

01:10:59.000 Sound good?

01:11:01.000 We're running out of time here.

01:11:04.000 I think we could squeeze out a pet Biden briefly, shall we?

01:11:08.000 Let's squeeze him out.

01:11:09.000 Let's squeeze him out.

01:11:11.000 Biden.

01:11:12.000 On him I can depend.

01:11:14.000 My pet.

01:11:15.000 Biden.

01:11:16.000 A monster of the president.

01:11:18.000 He's big and food.

01:11:20.000 Sleepy.

01:11:21.000 But a friendly monster too.

01:11:23.000 My pet.

01:11:24.000 Biden.

01:11:25.000 Wait, what?

01:11:25.000 That doesn't rhyme.

01:11:29.000 I would be remiss if I did not mention that Biden was busting a gut about our dead children.

01:11:37.000 How many people die a day from opioids?

01:11:39.000 200.

01:11:40.000 I think we all know someone who lost a son or a daughter to this Chinese invasion.

01:11:46.000 It's an act of war.

01:11:47.000 China has attacked us.

01:11:49.000 We are at war.

01:11:51.000 The balloons, I think that these explosions all over the country are linked to China.

01:11:56.000 I think this rampant incompetence in aviation with all these diversity hires is a globalist plan to make flying less safe.

01:12:04.000 Yep.

01:12:05.000 You heard it here first, folks.

01:12:07.000 So declaring war is hard because then we get out the fighter jets and we start bombing people.

01:12:12.000 But just to slowly boil us frogs in water until it's too late, that's a much better way to invade a country.

01:12:19.000 And I think that's what's China doing.

01:12:21.000 And they started with fentanyl.

01:12:23.000 It's fucking horrific.

01:12:26.000 Joe's comments on fentanyl have been to do nothing but trivialize it.

01:12:30.000 At one point he said, we got 200,000 pounds of fentanyl confiscated.

01:12:36.000 That's enough to kill something like 20 people.

01:12:40.000 Whatever the math was, the implication was it would take 2,000 pounds of fentanyl to kill a man.

01:12:47.000 It's hard to imagine being more far off than that, Joe.

01:12:50.000 But anyway, Marjorie Taylor Greene is blaming Joe for all this fentanyl, and Joe says it was Trump's fault because everything is Trump's fault to him.

01:12:59.000 And then he laughs.

01:13:01.000 A little bit of more Marjorie Taylor Green and a few more, you're going to have a lottery public running our way.

01:13:07.000 Wait, stop.

01:13:08.000 Stop.

01:13:09.000 As you know, I like to brag and say I speak perfect Joe Biden.

01:13:13.000 I think I may be stumped here.

01:13:16.000 A few more, you're going to have a lottery headed your way?

01:13:19.000 A little bit of more Marjorie Taylor Greene.

01:13:21.000 A little bit of more Marjorie Taylor Green.

01:13:23.000 Got that.

01:13:24.000 A few more, you're going to have a lottery Publicans.

01:13:26.000 A few more, you're going to have a lot of Republicans.

01:13:27.000 Republicans running our way.

01:13:28.000 Running our way.

01:13:29.000 Oh, nice, Ryan.

01:13:31.000 Thank you.

01:13:31.000 Good work.

01:13:32.000 Wow.

01:13:32.000 Thank you.

01:13:33.000 You know what?

01:13:34.000 When I say that immigrants have the best language, I forgot Joe Biden's language.

01:13:40.000 That's my favorite language right there.

01:13:42.000 The immigrant language is my second favorite.

01:13:49.000 Isn't she amazing?

01:13:59.000 Ours is the reason she was very specific.

01:14:02.000 I shouldn't digress, probably.

01:14:04.000 I've read.

01:14:05.000 Wait, go back.

01:14:07.000 She was very specific.

01:14:08.000 I should arrest, probably.

01:14:10.000 What?

01:14:11.000 You should digress, probably.

01:14:13.000 I've read.

01:14:15.000 She was very specific recently saying that a mom, a poor mother who lost two kids to family.

01:14:20.000 Wait, go back.

01:14:21.000 Sorry.

01:14:21.000 You didn't go back far enough.

01:14:24.000 She was very specific.

01:14:25.000 I shouldn't digress, probably.

01:14:27.000 I've read.

01:14:29.000 She was very specific recently saying that.

01:14:32.000 So he's saying I shouldn't digress, probably.

01:14:35.000 But the way you put it was not like that.

01:14:39.000 I should have digressed, probably.

01:14:41.000 Hey, Randy, you got a gang?

01:14:42.000 Hey, it's not a joke.

01:14:44.000 See, I'm joking.

01:14:45.000 It's hard to get his lower register down.

01:14:47.000 It's tough, man.

01:14:49.000 Poor mother who lost two kids to fentanyl, that I killed her sons.

01:14:54.000 Oh, my God.

01:14:55.000 Well, the interesting thing is that fentanyl they took came during the last administration.

01:15:03.000 Look, folks.

01:15:05.000 Anyway, I don't want to get started.

01:15:08.000 Too late?

01:15:09.000 That was exactly like Michael Richards after he yelled the N-word.

01:15:13.000 Remember that?

01:15:14.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:15:15.000 See?

01:15:16.000 Book.

01:15:16.000 Look, folks, words have consequences.

01:15:20.000 You see, words.

01:15:23.000 It's about words.

01:15:25.000 Look, folks, I probably shouldn't be laughing about dead kids.

01:15:28.000 All right, let's look at some AI of him just to cleanse the palate and pretend that he's actually interesting and not retarded.

01:15:37.000 You know, people want to make 250.

01:15:41.000 Look, the war in Ukraine, you know, people want to make it about this and that.

01:15:46.000 Look, look, Zelensky's a good guy.

01:15:48.000 Okay, he's got his own Netflix show.

01:15:50.000 Okay.

01:15:51.000 I mean, Barack's got a Netflix show.

01:15:53.000 I don't have a Netflix show.

01:15:55.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:15:57.000 But, you know, the Republicans, they just, you know, I don't know.

01:16:01.000 They think I'm trying to, you know, destroy America.

01:16:05.000 They don't fight.

01:16:06.000 Wait, what do you want?

01:16:07.000 Come on, man.

01:16:08.000 You know, like, you know, it's just the way the world works now.

01:16:14.000 Like, it's, what do you want from me?

01:16:17.000 You know?

01:16:17.000 I don't hate you anymore, Joe.

01:16:19.000 Thanks, computers.

01:16:20.000 Or what's the 412 one?

01:16:23.000 Again, to be clear, that was not Joe.

01:16:24.000 That was a computer making Joe likable, and it worked.

01:16:28.000 The truth is, we don't know which way is up anymore, you know, and I resent that people think I don't know if I'm going or coming, you know.

01:16:39.000 I know when I'm coming.

01:16:40.000 Thank you very much.

01:16:42.000 I resent all the conservative, radical, right-wing media painting me as some kind of monster.

01:16:54.000 I'm just lecturing in the new world government, man.

01:16:57.000 I mean, come out of it, man.

01:16:59.000 Everybody's doing it, you know.

01:17:00.000 Trudeau's doing it.

01:17:01.000 And Justin, I was like, hey, I should join the club, man.

01:17:05.000 This Claus Schwab guy seems pretty fucking cool.

01:17:08.000 And my God, okay.

01:17:10.000 All right.

01:17:11.000 I'm going to work with him a little bit before.

01:17:12.000 Okay, I get your angle.

01:17:13.000 I forgive you.

01:17:15.000 Here he is talking about the movie We Bought a Zoo.

01:17:19.000 Good movie.

01:17:19.000 This stuff's coming to a close, isn't it?

01:17:21.000 I feel like this is the last day we're going to be showing AI.

01:17:24.000 I'm enjoying this, don't get me wrong.

01:17:26.000 But I think it was you who pointed out that it's losing its luster already.

01:17:31.000 It's too accessible.

01:17:32.000 It's like when you overuse the word nigga.

01:17:35.000 It loses the power and fun.

01:17:37.000 It's sort of like when Blowjobs first came out.

01:17:40.000 Like you're super excited the first week and then you're like, these are gay.

01:17:44.000 Good evening, my fellow Americans.

01:17:46.000 I've made a huge mistake.

01:17:48.000 Are you familiar with the 2011 film We Bought a Zoo?

01:17:51.000 The Matt Damon picture.

01:17:53.000 Scarjo is in it as well.

01:17:55.000 Although her performance isn't anything to shake a stick at, if I'm being honest.

01:17:58.000 It was directed by Cameron Crowe, The fellow who made Jerry Maguire.

01:18:02.000 Show me the money.

01:18:04.000 Anyway, so I was watching We Bought a Zoo a few days ago because it came up on my Disney Plus after I finished an episode of that baby Yoda show.

01:18:12.000 And I thought, wow, I still can't believe they bought that freaking zoo.

01:18:16.000 So I looked it up and they really did do it.

01:18:18.000 They really bought a zoo in real life.

01:18:20.000 I thought it was just the Matt Damon movie, but it turns out it's based on a book by a gentleman who really did buy a zoo in England, though, not in California, like the movie.

01:18:29.000 But anyway, this is where the trouble started.

01:18:32.000 Because if someone could really buy a zoo in real life, not just in a movie, then, hell, why shouldn't I buy a zoo?

01:18:39.000 So I did.

01:18:39.000 I bought a zoo.

01:18:41.000 And my fellow Americans, I want to kill myself.

01:18:44.000 Called Americans.

01:18:44.000 Owning a zoo sucks.

01:18:46.000 This shit is so hard.

01:18:47.000 It looked much easier in the movie.

01:18:49.000 In the film, Matt Damon and Scarjo have a great time as they get to know each other.

01:18:53.000 And sure, there were some trials and tribulations along the way.

01:18:56.000 But by the end of the movie, everyone is happy.

01:18:59.000 And Matt Damon even gets a kissy.

01:19:01.000 My fellow Americans, I have not gotten even one kissy.

01:19:04.000 Instead, I have gotten attacked by tigers and jaguars, wicked creatures of the jungle.

01:19:09.000 I've been bitten by all manner of beasts such as snakes and bats.

01:19:12.000 I went to feed the kangaroos, and they all attacked me at once.

01:19:16.000 Wait a minute.

01:19:16.000 That just reminded me of something.

01:19:17.000 You've got to go to the very last link here.

01:19:20.000 Speaking of getting attacked.

01:19:21.000 In the master or the email?

01:19:24.000 In the notes.

01:19:24.000 So this asshole, his job is to clean the cafeteria and shit, the stance, the hot dog stance.

01:19:32.000 You're not supposed to be with the tigers.

01:19:34.000 And there are guys ready with tranquilizer darts, but they're there in the day, not when the zoo's closed.

01:19:41.000 So this moron goes from sweeping up cigarette butts to Timothy Treadwell.

01:19:46.000 I'm going to go talk to the lions.

01:19:48.000 I'm going to talk to the tigers.

01:19:50.000 Hello, tiger.

01:19:51.000 Let's form a bond.

01:19:53.000 And the tiger walks over to him.

01:19:54.000 Matthew McConaughey brags about this.

01:19:57.000 He says he was on acid and he got in a cage with a tiger and they became friends.

01:20:01.000 Probably bullshit.

01:20:02.000 But if it isn't, then it's a very lucky coincidence.

01:20:05.000 The odds of this predator, this brutal alpha killer carnivore, this apex, what do they call him?

01:20:13.000 Apex predator?

01:20:14.000 Yep.

01:20:15.000 Being your friend are pretty low.

01:20:17.000 So he thinks he's living in a fucking Tony the Tiger cartoon.

01:20:20.000 He goes over there.

01:20:21.000 Hello, friend.

01:20:22.000 Here's my hand.

01:20:23.000 And the tiger's like, ooh, a late night snack.

01:20:25.000 It's not my dream.

01:20:32.000 Oh, my God.

01:20:33.000 Is that real?

01:20:34.000 Sorry.

01:20:44.000 Assume your hand is gone.

01:20:48.000 Oh, my God.

01:20:53.000 Tranquilizer?

01:20:55.000 No, I don't carry tranquilizers.

01:20:56.000 a cop.

01:21:13.000 Or just shoot fucking a bullet so that it gets scared or something.

01:21:16.000 Well, that's what everyone says, but that's not how cops operate.

01:21:19.000 I'm sick of warning shots.

01:21:21.000 If I pull up my gun, I'm going for the kill.

01:21:23.000 But it's an animal.

01:21:24.000 Like it might get scared Whatever What a dummy.

01:21:39.000 And he got a tiger shot.

01:21:41.000 Sometimes I think dummies are just where they are because they're dummies.

01:21:44.000 I mean, we're taught it's a lack of opportunity.

01:21:48.000 And then this guy gets an opportunity to be near a tiger, and what does he do?

01:21:52.000 Give it himself.

01:21:55.000 Offer himself up as a snack.

01:21:59.000 Am I mean for having zero feelings for this fucking loser?

01:22:03.000 No, he's an idiot.

01:22:04.000 And he got a fucking beautiful animal shot.

01:22:06.000 Yeah.

01:22:08.000 Darwin Awards.

01:22:09.000 Anyway, let's get back to.

01:22:10.000 Tiger King would never approve of that.

01:22:13.000 I would have never financially recovered from this.

01:22:15.000 I'm never going to financially recover from this.

01:22:17.000 I cannot do Tiger King.

01:22:20.000 Carol Baskins.

01:22:21.000 Carol Baskins is not my president.

01:22:22.000 Carol Baskins is not my president.

01:22:25.000 Fucking Carol Basket, bitch.

01:22:27.000 Fucking Carol Baskins.

01:22:29.000 I haven't listened to him in a long time.

01:22:31.000 I hope that's it.

01:22:32.000 If he was ever going to get out of jail, it was because of Netflix.

01:22:35.000 We're living in an idiocracy.

01:22:37.000 And the reason Alex Murdock was charged, a big part of it, was because he appeared guilty.

01:22:42.000 I know he was guilty.

01:22:43.000 I kept saying this to Broads.

01:22:44.000 Yes, I know he's guilty, too.

01:22:46.000 But what is the evidence?

01:22:48.000 And all I can see is that raincoat.

01:22:50.000 He's getting sentenced any second now, by the way.

01:22:52.000 Oh.

01:22:53.000 Oh.

01:22:54.000 Ow.

01:22:55.000 Dude, before the weekend goes by, I have to alert you of this person's presence.

01:23:01.000 Alert you of this person's presence?

01:23:04.000 Yeah.

01:23:06.000 Alert you too.

01:23:07.000 Her name is Sarah Castile something.

01:23:11.000 I don't fuck.

01:23:12.000 I'll tell you afterwards.

01:23:13.000 Have you seen this chick?

01:23:15.000 I don't know why I keep saying chick.

01:23:17.000 It's a guy.

01:23:19.000 It's a guy from America, I believe, who went to Ukraine to get to help out or whatever.

01:23:29.000 So he gets his hand all fucked up in this video.

01:23:33.000 And it's the way he says, Slava Ukraini, at the end of the video, like he's a Ukrainian, it sounds like a Borat joke.

01:23:42.000 And it has the vibe of like when you let your friend's little brother hang out with you and he gets hurt and you think you're all going to get in trouble.

01:23:50.000 But he's like, I won't tell.

01:23:51.000 It's cool.

01:23:52.000 And you're like, fuck.

01:23:53.000 We almost just got in a lot of trouble.

01:23:55.000 So you're about to show me fake Ukraine war footage.

01:23:58.000 Is that it?

01:23:59.000 I'm not going to say it's fake.

01:24:02.000 I think there's a lot of sketchy things about it that are fake.

01:24:04.000 But this looks like she really got her hand blown off.

01:24:06.000 She proves it later on.

01:24:07.000 But I don't know how.

01:24:08.000 Okay.

01:24:09.000 Yeah, I'm fine, sir.

01:24:10.000 You know what?

01:24:11.000 They can't kill us.

01:24:12.000 They can't hurt us.

01:24:14.000 Victory is ours.

01:24:15.000 It doesn't fucking matter.

01:24:16.000 Why?

01:24:16.000 Because we're Ukraine.

01:24:18.000 And ultimately, Putin is going to be the one dead.

01:24:21.000 Progrozhin is going to be the one dead.

01:24:24.000 And this is a small price for liberation and for freedom.

01:24:27.000 Slavo Ukraini.

01:24:32.000 The guy in the background laughs.

01:24:33.000 She goes, Slavukrani.

01:24:34.000 And then this guy like, haha, yeah, Slavukrani.

01:24:37.000 So this is some tranny who's there to fight for Ukraine?

01:24:40.000 And she's been, the reason why it's so urgent because she's been just updating.

01:24:43.000 I don't know why I keep saying she.

01:24:46.000 He's a successful fag.

01:24:47.000 Like, he is this woman all the time with his wig.

01:24:51.000 Okay.

01:24:51.000 And her updates are fantastic.

01:24:53.000 You got to keep up with it.

01:24:54.000 The fact that she's like not, everybody isn't making fun of her is really wild.

01:24:58.000 So whose side are you on?

01:25:00.000 Not hers.

01:25:01.000 Not his.

01:25:02.000 Okay.

01:25:02.000 Or Ukraine's.

01:25:03.000 That was a boring segue, Ryan.

01:25:05.000 No, keep up with her.

01:25:06.000 Him.

01:25:08.000 Let's get back to two more AIs before we abandon my pet Biden and get to the mailbag.

01:25:14.000 Here he is at a hardcore show.

01:25:17.000 2-0.

01:25:22.000 The touring bands?

01:25:23.000 Oh, cool, man.

01:25:24.000 It's going to be $10 for her, though.

01:25:26.000 What the fuck?

01:25:27.000 Nah, man, she's my plus one.

01:25:29.000 We don't do plus ones here, bro.

01:25:30.000 But I'm with the touring bands, though.

01:25:32.000 No, Jack, you're the merch guy who showed up just before the closing band started playing, and she's just a girl you met on Tinder like five hours ago.

01:25:39.000 Whatever, this is fucking stupid.

01:25:41.000 Nice turnstile shirt, by the way.

01:25:43.000 What's wrong with turnstile?

01:25:44.000 There's sellouts.

01:25:46.000 Yeah, what band didn't sell out?

01:25:47.000 SSD Control.

01:25:48.000 The kids will have their say is an all-timer.

01:25:51.000 The album artwork slaps too.

01:25:53.000 Oh, you're one of them, huh?

01:25:55.000 One of what?

01:25:56.000 Dudes who pretend they've been listening to 80s hardcore from the moment they were born.

01:26:00.000 Nah, dude, I just hate sellouts.

01:26:02.000 It just turns out that bands from the 80s were authentic.

01:26:04.000 You're full of shit.

01:26:06.000 I can literally pull up your Facebook and see your profile pics from like 2011.

01:26:10.000 You know what?

01:26:11.000 Fuck you.

01:26:13.000 Hey, hey, what the fuck?

01:26:15.000 Respect the fucking space.

01:26:19.000 Respect the fucking space.

01:26:20.000 And one more, and then we got to hit the letters.

01:26:24.000 And we're not doing this again.

01:26:26.000 Again, big fan, but this has run its course.

01:26:29.000 It was fun while it lasted, though.

01:26:31.000 In a way, this is our goodbye to Biden and Trump AIs.

01:26:35.000 You don't have to AI Trump.

01:26:36.000 Everything he says is gold.

01:26:37.000 ...that having promiscuous sex is against the core tenets of being straight-edge.

01:26:42.000 Joe, you know this, and it's sad that you are selling out like this.

01:26:45.000 No, no, you're wrong on this, Donald.

01:26:47.000 You can't claim edge if you're not a vegan.

01:26:49.000 That's the truth, Jack.

01:26:51.000 If you eat meat, you're eating all the drugs and chemicals that they pump those poor innocent animals with.

01:26:56.000 So you think fucking a bunch of sluts doesn't go against the core ethics of being straight-edge?

01:27:00.000 You're an idiot, Joe.

01:27:01.000 Oh, so now we're slut-shaming.

01:27:02.000 I outlined why veganism is a core component of being straight-edge on my blog at joexpdx.tumbler.com.

01:27:09.000 I bet you had caffeine this morning, Joe.

01:27:11.000 My friend said that was a drug.

01:27:12.000 Tell your friend I said, fuck you, Jack.

01:27:14.000 You're giving me a headache, Joe.

01:27:16.000 And are you going to take ibuprofen for that?

01:27:19.000 Probably it's not a recreational drug, so.

01:27:21.000 It's still a drug.

01:27:22.000 Fucking edgebreaker.

01:27:23.000 Yeah, Joe, which minor threat song says to not take ibuprofen?

01:27:26.000 They didn't need to.

01:27:26.000 It's a drug.

01:27:27.000 Plain and simple, Jack.

01:27:28.000 Yeah, okay, dude.

01:27:30.000 I'm going to get so fucked up on ibuprofen and drive home.

01:27:33.000 Whatever you say, dude.

01:27:35.000 Damn.

01:27:36.000 Good arguments.

01:27:37.000 Great arguments.

01:27:38.000 That was a fun discussion.

01:27:39.000 Good writing.

01:27:40.000 Secret to good jokes, good writing.

01:27:41.000 All right.

01:27:42.000 Let's hit the letters page, folks.

01:27:46.000 Ryan, shut up, you don't have a dad.

01:27:50.000 Let's turn our eyes to Gavin's mailbag.

01:27:56.000 Let me touch it.

01:28:01.000 What's up, Gav?

01:28:02.000 I've heard you talk about Ashton Birdie in the past.

01:28:03.000 Did you know she's now an OnlyFans whore?

01:28:06.000 Oh, man.

01:28:07.000 Are you sure?

01:28:08.000 Because I logged into my Instagram and she had an update pushing her new account where she pimps her OnlyFans page.

01:28:14.000 Very sad.

01:28:14.000 I thought she trolls people.

01:28:17.000 Oh, like she's dressed as a nun.

01:28:19.000 But I don't know.

01:28:19.000 That was like a year ago.

01:28:21.000 She totally stabbed me in the back during the FBI thing.

01:28:25.000 And I went through our texts, and it's just me trying to get her places to stay all over America because she's traveling and she feels safe around proud boys.

01:28:34.000 And I'm like, I think I can get you a couch in Sacramento.

01:28:38.000 Yeah, I was always there for her when her parents kicked her out of the house.

01:28:42.000 And then she fucking stabbed me in the back.

01:28:46.000 What's the lesson there?

01:28:48.000 Can't trust broads?

01:28:49.000 I don't know.

01:28:49.000 I do believe that this sort of world we're in right now, and I want to call it the not lefts, like being on the, well, I guess what the mainstream sees is the alt-right or the dissident right, which I don't think it is.

01:29:01.000 I think it's just normal.

01:29:03.000 It's just not radical left.

01:29:05.000 But the way they operate is you're 100% with us or 100% against us, as Jim Norton pointed out.

01:29:12.000 And to be here, you're canceled.

01:29:13.000 They attack your family.

01:29:15.000 You got to have pretty thick skin.

01:29:17.000 And my experience has been very few women can handle it.

01:29:20.000 Michelle Malkin can handle it.

01:29:22.000 Dana Lash can handle it.

01:29:24.000 There's been moments where she's had round-the-clock security.

01:29:26.000 Dana Lash has to talk to her kids' school about an escape route.

01:29:30.000 They've had to move out in the middle of the night.

01:29:32.000 Cassandra Fairbanks had to move out in the middle of the night after Antifa blew up her house with fucking fireworks.

01:29:38.000 Her daughter still gets PTSD on the 4th of July.

01:29:41.000 Damn.

01:29:42.000 Cassandra can handle it.

01:29:44.000 Ann Coulter can handle it.

01:29:46.000 Ashton Birdie, not so much.

01:29:48.000 Lauren Southern, not so much.

01:29:51.000 Laura Loomer can, but she's had some rough times, man.

01:29:56.000 Rough moments.

01:29:58.000 But yeah, look up, see if she has an OnlyFans.

01:30:00.000 When I see girls on OnlyFans, it's sort of like when I see a guy who looks like a complete queer on the street, and I honestly walk by him and I have my fingers across and I go, please be a fag, please be a fag, please be a fag.

01:30:13.000 Because I obviously don't care if a gay guy is dressed like a homo.

01:30:16.000 But when it's a dude, oh no.

01:30:23.000 When it's a dude who's straight and he's dressed like a homo, it bums me out.

01:30:27.000 And similarly, I feel the same way when I look up a girl and she's like got her head on straight and she's sort of conservative.

01:30:32.000 I go, please don't have an OnlyFans, please don't have an OnlyFans, please don't have an OnlyFans.

01:30:36.000 And you click on it and there it is.

01:30:38.000 Like that comedian I just looked up.

01:30:41.000 She's named, she looks kind of Asian.

01:30:44.000 I think she's Irish.

01:30:45.000 Her name's like Kaylee Freeley or something.

01:30:47.000 Do you know who I'm talking about?

01:30:50.000 Karen Feahan.

01:30:51.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:30:52.000 And I was looking at her and I clicked on her links page.

01:30:54.000 I was like, don't have an OnlyFans?

01:30:56.000 Don't have an OnlyFans?

01:30:57.000 OnlyFans.

01:30:58.000 Oh, her whole fans.

01:30:58.000 Oh, no, it doesn't have an OnlyFans.

01:31:00.000 Her whole thing is an OnlyFans thing.

01:31:02.000 No, wait a minute.

01:31:03.000 Karen Feahn?

01:31:04.000 Yeah.

01:31:05.000 Yeah.

01:31:05.000 She does have an OnlyFans?

01:31:07.000 She's nude all over the place.

01:31:09.000 See, that's unfortunate.

01:31:10.000 You can see her asshole.

01:31:11.000 Ladies, God gives you a little change purse when you're born.

01:31:15.000 It's your chastity.

01:31:16.000 There's like 13 coins in it.

01:31:18.000 They're very, very valuable.

01:31:20.000 You can cash them in and get an OnlyFans, but then there's no more money in the thing.

01:31:25.000 Well, yeah, but I'm rich.

01:31:26.000 Yeah, and no one marries an OnlyFans.

01:31:30.000 Sorry.

01:31:30.000 No one wants...

01:31:37.000 If a lock can be unlocked by any key, it's not a valuable lock.

01:31:43.000 You're not a valuable lock if you're on OnlyFans because you've had a million keys open you up.

01:31:50.000 So does Ashton have one?

01:31:52.000 Yeah.

01:31:52.000 And does it look.

01:31:56.000 You can't tell.

01:31:57.000 You got to subscribe to find out, right?

01:32:00.000 You can't tell.

01:32:01.000 But her Instagram.

01:32:04.000 Is her Instagram hony?

01:32:06.000 Because if her Instagram is all sexy hony and then she has an OnlyFans, it's a joke, I guess that's fraud.

01:32:12.000 I prefer fraud to selling yourself as a whore.

01:32:16.000 So it looks like it, because these are some of the pictures that are around.

01:32:23.000 That doesn't look like a joke.

01:32:24.000 That looks like a professional photographer was involved.

01:32:29.000 Oh, well.

01:32:30.000 Who did some uneven face tuning between this one and then the side profile.

01:32:37.000 But anyway, whatever.

01:32:38.000 That's just nitpicking the photographer.

01:32:41.000 The editor.

01:32:43.000 It's too bad, man.

01:32:45.000 Yeah, it's like Karen Feehan.

01:32:46.000 I remember seeing her nude because I heard people were talking about it.

01:32:49.000 And then I never went back again.

01:32:51.000 Like, you're just completely uninterested.

01:32:53.000 Yeah, and they're always like, yeah, but I make, you know, 80 grand a month or something.

01:32:58.000 And you're like, yeah, if Superman did like conventions, he'd make tons of money.

01:33:05.000 But now the Superman is ruined.

01:33:08.000 And it's a guy who signs 8x10s.

01:33:10.000 And she could just be posting non-nudes, just sexy photos like that.

01:33:15.000 But you know what?

01:33:16.000 Sexy photos?

01:33:17.000 Next door neighbor to rape porn.

01:33:22.000 Another hot take from the Rye Guy.

01:33:25.000 One person multiples.

01:33:27.000 Hi, Gavin, Detective Shitty.

01:33:28.000 Always hear you talking about how having kids allows you to multiply in many people.

01:33:34.000 But even this is ridiculous.

01:33:35.000 I don't think it's ridiculous.

01:33:36.000 Thanks for keeping my sanity and boredom in check.

01:33:38.000 I've been a pool shitter since 19.

01:33:40.000 Still love the show.

01:33:41.000 I love when young people think that four years ago was a long time.

01:33:45.000 Dude, I've been into you since like 22.

01:33:49.000 Yeah, I've been doing this since 1992.

01:33:52.000 Mother of 16 children, 83 grandchildren, 204 great-grandchildren, and 93 great-great-grandchildren.

01:34:01.000 And last but not least, 44 great-great-great-grandchildren.

01:34:05.000 But the world's overpopulated.

01:34:07.000 That's so bad for the environment.

01:34:10.000 Doesn't look like it's bad for the environment.

01:34:11.000 They seem to keep going.

01:34:13.000 And all you spinsters, like what's her name?

01:34:16.000 Amanda.

01:34:19.000 The one who always writes about Proud Boys that has a store in Philly called Latchkey where they sell toys to adults.

01:34:31.000 Amanda.

01:34:33.000 I think I have her name here.

01:34:35.000 And she's really concerned about Drag Queen story hours.

01:34:38.000 Let's get this straight.

01:34:40.000 You're obsessed with a children's right to.

01:34:45.000 Hannah Sparks is a different one.

01:34:46.000 Amanda Marcott.

01:34:48.000 M-A-R-C-O-T-T.

01:34:50.000 So let me get this right.

01:34:50.000 You're obsessed with children having the right to...

01:34:57.000 You're obsessed with children having the right to be around crotch shots.

01:35:02.000 And you also run a store that's about young people and adults having the same interests.

01:35:08.000 Latch key.

01:35:13.000 Doesn't look good.

01:35:14.000 And also, you could have had a legacy.

01:35:17.000 You could have been immortal.

01:35:18.000 You blew it.

01:35:19.000 You ended your legacy by letting your ovaries dry up, just like all the other sad 35-year-olds.

01:35:27.000 That's pathetic.

01:35:31.000 Would you rather have sex with a woman with a two-face and an eight-body or an eight-face and a two-body?

01:35:38.000 That's easy for me.

01:35:38.000 I'd go for the face, eight-face, two-body.

01:35:41.000 Oh, okay.

01:35:42.000 Yeah.

01:35:43.000 Us older dudes say shit like that because it's true.

01:35:47.000 But yeah, we don't.

01:35:48.000 We're not as obsessed with bodies.

01:35:50.000 I'm sure when I was 22, I'd probably say the opposite.

01:35:53.000 What about you, Ryan?

01:35:54.000 I think there's merit in both because what are you really looking at?

01:35:57.000 Are you a chick?

01:35:58.000 Just answer the question.

01:35:59.000 I'd prefer the eight-body body.

01:36:02.000 A cough body and an ugly face.

01:36:04.000 Yeah.

01:36:05.000 It's dark out.

01:36:06.000 You don't even see the body.

01:36:08.000 There's merit in both, but if it's not dark out.

01:36:12.000 Hi, Gavington and Raegustis.

01:36:15.000 I'm desperately trying to figure out what I'm going to do with my life.

01:36:17.000 I just got dumped by a woman who clearly had mental illness.

01:36:19.000 Yeah, she must have been mentally ill if she dumped you.

01:36:24.000 That's what I said to Joe Tonelli when he got dumped.

01:36:26.000 I go, it must hurt to be abandoned by someone who's clearly so perceptive.

01:36:30.000 Yeah.

01:36:31.000 And then I went to the bathroom and laughed at my own joke as I pissed.

01:36:34.000 Did he just agree?

01:36:36.000 Yes.

01:36:36.000 He didn't even realize he was slighted.

01:36:38.000 He's Coco the gorilla.

01:36:40.000 He doesn't really agree or not agree.

01:36:41.000 He just goes, you took the words from my mouth.

01:36:46.000 She promised me everything, marriage.

01:36:48.000 And then he flings shit all over the place, too.

01:36:50.000 Just like a gorilla.

01:36:51.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:36:52.000 That's actually come up before.

01:36:54.000 She promised me everything.

01:36:56.000 Marriage, kids, the whole nine.

01:36:58.000 Now I'm single again at 32.

01:37:00.000 You mean she promised you marriage and kids and then she took it away?

01:37:04.000 Oh Lord.

01:37:05.000 I work for a municipality, but I'm low in the totem pool.

01:37:08.000 I've been going through the process of getting my bullshit degree in business administration slash public administration to get an even better job in the government.

01:37:16.000 He said BS degree.

01:37:18.000 I did stand-up comedy for a few years, but I started late at 29.

01:37:21.000 I really love stand-up and I'm always writing, but there's a bundle of issues with pursuing comedy.

01:37:27.000 Obviously, I'm a Republican and the comedy world is a cesspool of liberal retards.

01:37:31.000 I spent a few hours arguing with a booker slash comedian last night about how drag shows aren't for children.

01:37:37.000 The comedian lifestyle is lonely as fuck.

01:37:40.000 If I got to the point of being a working comic, quote unquote, I'd have to be on the road all the time.

01:37:46.000 And even if I started a family, I probably wouldn't be able to support them.

01:37:49.000 And I'd have to leave them all the time.

01:37:52.000 On top of all that, I'm a straight white guy.

01:37:55.000 Not exactly Netflix's preferred show pony.

01:38:00.000 I apologize for the lack of brevity, but your sage wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

01:38:04.000 I like you more than a friend, Rory.

01:38:07.000 What a deal.

01:38:09.000 We don't know what he's planning.

01:38:12.000 Yeah, Rory, like, what do you want from me?

01:38:15.000 Pursue your job.

01:38:17.000 I don't know how you can be promised marriage and kids, and then it's taken away.

01:38:21.000 You dodged a bullet.

01:38:22.000 She's clearly a bitch, although I'm starting to understand why she dumped you.

01:38:26.000 And yeah, no one's offering you a career in comedy, so you don't have to make these decisions.

01:38:31.000 Continue with your day job.

01:38:33.000 Do open mics at night.

01:38:34.000 If those explode, then yeah, maybe start doing a few other shows until you have enough money to fly somewhere and keep doing it that way.

01:38:43.000 Like this whole idea of like, oh, I'm so worried about the road.

01:38:48.000 If I was to hit the road as a comedian, get the fuck back in your fucking hole.

01:38:55.000 Now!

01:38:56.000 I was going to look up his comedy, but let's not totally humiliate the fucking dork.

01:39:02.000 All right, it's time for the final vid, Arai Guy.

01:39:06.000 Ah, yes, the part of the show and the video of finality.

01:39:09.000 It begins with me screaming my head off like this.

01:39:25.000 Do you have to shake the entire building with that fucking speaker, bro?

01:39:29.000 Sorry, I rock too hard, brethren.

01:39:31.000 I'm worried about our neighbors getting or finding out who we are, first of all.

01:39:37.000 This is an inspiring piece of art that I think sets the tone for the weekend.

01:39:43.000 It's on the evergreen page.

01:39:46.000 Dude with giant chocolate head.

01:39:49.000 I don't know, man.

01:39:50.000 We laugh at art, especially modern art, and say it's garbage now.

01:39:53.000 And every once in a while you see something and you go, that's really fucking cool.

01:39:56.000 And I don't know how you did that.

01:39:57.000 And I like that you did that.

01:39:58.000 And you made something awesome.

01:40:00.000 And thanks for being weird.

01:40:02.000 Nope.

01:40:04.000 Yeah, blow that up nice and big, bro.

01:40:06.000 As big as you can.

01:40:08.000 It's art.

01:40:09.000 We want art to be big.

01:40:12.000 Art.

01:40:13.000 Bigger, bigger, bigger, bigger, bigger, bigger.

01:40:15.000 Here we go.

01:40:18.000 There we go.

01:40:19.000 That's a good size.

01:40:20.000 Size.

01:40:24.000 Hold your breath.

01:40:26.000 Make a wish.

01:40:27.000 Count to three.

01:40:29.000 Come with me, and you'll be in a world of your imagination.

01:40:37.000 Take a look.

01:40:38.000 This really turned out exactly how he wanted it to go.

01:40:41.000 Into your imagination.

01:40:47.000 Pretty great, huh?

01:40:48.000 I like it.

01:40:49.000 It's awesome.

01:40:50.000 Come with me.

01:40:51.000 All right, guys.

01:40:51.000 Have a fun weekend.

01:40:52.000 Enjoy your family.

01:40:53.000 Try to get off those screens.

01:40:54.000 Try to do something new.

01:40:56.000 Get outside.

01:40:57.000 Unplug.

01:40:58.000 Experience nature.

01:41:00.000 Go for a long-ass walk.

01:41:01.000 Go for a walk so long your dog is kind of bummed.

01:41:05.000 I want your dog to be exhausted at the end of this walk and bring as many family members with you as you possibly can.

01:41:12.000 And while you're on these walks, be yourself.

01:41:17.000 Have character.

01:41:18.000 Be honest.

01:41:20.000 Don't let anyone change who you are.

01:41:22.000 Be brave.

01:41:26.000 If you're at work and you feel like you can't be yourself, I mean, don't be an idiot and say, I think blacks are lazy.

01:41:34.000 But if you like Trump, you can be like, I don't know, you guys all seem to hate him.

01:41:38.000 I think he had some merit.

01:41:39.000 The economy was doing well.

01:41:40.000 You can slowly, just like that, peel off the layers and let the real you seep out.

01:41:46.000 And if that gets you in trouble, fine.

01:41:50.000 You know, you have to, you're a fighter.

01:41:53.000 And you'll look back at your life as an old man and you'll say, when everyone was being a pussy, I stood my ground.

01:42:00.000 And your grandchildren will say, what were you doing during the cancel years and the culture wars?

01:42:04.000 And you'll go, I stood my ground.

01:42:05.000 I got in a lot of trouble, but I kept fighting.

01:42:08.000 So get fired.

01:42:10.000 Get in trouble.

01:42:10.000 Be brave.

Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - March 03, 2023

S4E223 - FRIDAYS ARE FREE

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