Impaulsive with Logan Paul - Bert Kreischer Exposes Joe Rogan & Theo Von, Accidentally Joins The Russian Mafia

00:00:00.260 Breaking story from Alpine News Network.

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00:00:30.480 Lisa, tell them about our new show.

00:00:33.060 We have a new podcast.

00:00:34.480 It's called Don't Lie to Me.

00:00:35.860 I'm Lexi Iwanu.

00:00:37.020 We're two best friends, 22 years apart, but so close at heart.

00:00:40.980 And I'm Lisa DiGiulio, the old one,

00:00:43.360 which means we have wildly different references,

00:00:45.600 occasionally different opinions.

00:00:46.920 And at this point in my 50s, I've lived it all.

00:00:49.700 Now in my 30s, being the founder of New Shoes,

00:00:52.720 Good Taste is my business.

00:00:54.900 Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,

00:00:57.800 or wherever you get your podcasts.

00:01:00.000 Hi, this is Kylie Brakeman, Angela Jaritana, Jeremy Culhane, Patrick McDonald, and we're the hosts of the Artists on Artists on Artists on Artists podcast.

00:01:09.760 The Improvised Character Comedy podcast, where each week a new panel of artists discuss their craft.

00:01:15.600 Join us for a panel of Eurovision participants.

00:01:18.680 And we do a little Halloween sometimes.

00:01:20.900 Does the Pope dress up?

00:01:22.240 He winks on Halloween.

00:01:24.500 He gets right up next to the microphone.

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00:01:34.660 Listen to Artists on Artists on Artists on Artists every Thursday on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

00:01:42.140 I'm Lacey Mosley, author, actor, stand-up comedian, creator, and host of Scam Goddess Podcast, the true crime comedy podcast all about robbery, fraud, and those who practice it.

00:01:52.180 Each week I bring on an amazing guest.

00:01:54.080 Ooh, I scammed them.

00:01:55.260 What?

00:01:55.720 I could talk to you for an hour.

00:01:57.120 You're a generational yapper, like me.

00:01:59.140 That's why I had to make yapping a job.

00:02:01.280 And now you can catch full episodes of my show on YouTube.

00:02:04.520 Start listening to Scam Goddess on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

00:02:10.480 Scam Goddess!

00:02:12.320 I grew up knowing two dudes without tongues.

00:02:14.260 That's Florida.

00:02:15.160 Tongueless, Brett, and...

00:02:16.260 In this dream, I said, I want to go find my wife.

00:02:19.660 In a dream?

00:02:20.420 You already got her in real life, 24-7. 0.99

00:02:22.440 I could have f***ing gotten Adrienne Maciechik. 1.00

00:02:24.380 My wife is a redneck. 1.00

00:02:26.360 Discipline your dog with a shovel kind of redneck. 1.00

00:02:28.440 Like, spit on a light bulb to watch it bubble for fun. 1.00

00:02:31.420 You ever sink a boat?

00:02:32.540 No, I try to.

00:02:35.940 I f***ing love your questions.

00:02:48.040 You're up.

00:02:49.180 Relax.

00:02:52.520 Calm down, Jeff.

00:02:53.620 What do you think is going on?

00:02:55.360 We ain't got no sponsors.

00:02:56.360 This show don't make no money.

00:02:57.280 welcome back to impulsive the not money making show the number one not money making show in the

00:03:02.020 world a show where we don't make money uh if you guys aren't subscribed honestly

00:03:07.840 nah i'm changing it up if you are subscribed unsubscribe and if you were gonna like this video

00:03:14.520 don't don't do it don't do it we're here today in we hope we're in west hollywood

00:03:21.000 another beautiful house for sale the bathroom upstairs whoops i'm sure bert is

00:03:27.160 destroying the bathroom right now dude can i get a little more uh volume in my headphones please 0.50

00:03:32.000 just just turn me up just a tad bit dude so i could hear anything it's shut up 0.91

00:03:37.020 shut up sorry jeff sorry oh my god we're gonna have to put a pg rating on it it was the land 0.85

00:03:45.360 before time you want dude dude dude bart's got a crew you gotta you know you got a squad this is 0.90

00:03:50.640 unlike anything i've seen yeah check check check check check me out if nothing's happening

00:03:55.240 Check, check.

00:03:55.740 Now it is.

00:03:56.220 Hello. 1.00

00:03:56.740 Dude, Burt Kreischer just rolled in here with a harem of beautiful women.

00:04:00.520 This is wild, Burt.

00:04:01.720 I did not expect this.

00:04:02.360 He brought a gang with him.

00:04:04.320 What?

00:04:04.940 Wow.

00:04:06.000 Are any of them Russian?

00:04:09.240 We got an intro for you.

00:04:11.320 You don't just have to stand there the whole time, but yeah, I'm going to do it.

00:04:15.140 Are you ready?

00:04:15.680 Yeah.

00:04:16.000 All right.

00:04:16.660 Dylan wrote it, so if you hate it, just the guy to your right, just give him a little smack.

00:04:19.560 Our guest today has a new comedy special

00:04:22.580 Razzle Dazzle on Netflix

00:04:24.220 And a new movie, The Machine

00:04:25.980 Opening May 26th based on his true life encounter 0.72

00:04:28.400 With the Russian mob 1.00

00:04:29.760 I cannot wait to get into that 1.00

00:04:31.280 You can catch him on his tour this summer at the Fully Loaded Comedy Fest

00:04:33.960 Along with his friends, ladies and gentlemen, it's Burt Kreischer

00:04:36.180 Burt, Burt, Burt, Burt, Burt

00:04:40.860 How are you brother?

00:04:42.940 It's an honor, I'm a fan

00:04:44.180 Dude, we're fans

00:04:45.540 No man, I can tell you the moment I became a fan 0.99

00:04:47.840 Oh shit 0.99

00:04:49.100 I can. 0.99

00:04:49.620 I remember – I'm going to move this up.

00:04:52.400 Yeah, do you think.

00:04:52.880 I was in Serbia.

00:04:53.980 I was shooting my movie, and your brother had pulled Floyd's hat off.

00:04:58.060 Ah!

00:04:59.580 The hat.

00:05:00.380 No, no, but that's not the moment.

00:05:01.700 Oh.

00:05:02.180 This is the moment.

00:05:03.340 So I'm in my bed.

00:05:04.320 I'm watching.

00:05:04.680 I'm just kind of watching it.

00:05:05.540 You know when you just sort of like – you're not into it.

00:05:07.420 You're just kind of – and you and your brother get into a fight in front of your mom about him stealing your thunder,

00:05:13.840 which immediately is a fight that happens in my family all the time.

00:05:16.500 Yeah.

00:05:16.660 you and your brother get on a private jet and uh and you have a moment and you and you're like hey

00:05:23.540 i love you and he's like i'm sorry he goes hey logan and he takes your hat off your head yeah 1.00

00:05:28.880 i sit up in my bed laughing hysterically all right i'm in on both these motherfuckers 1.00

00:05:33.840 these are my guys okay i gotta fucking i gotta love them so yes and the podcast is fucking 0.99

00:05:38.800 awesome man i love the interviews you do with all the comedians it's it's it's different i almost 0.97

00:05:43.740 I almost pulled out of this podcast

00:05:45.180 because Schultz pranked me 1.00

00:05:46.540 with a fucking clown 1.00

00:05:47.280 and I was like 1.00

00:05:48.220 I'm like

00:05:48.880 that'll be exactly

00:05:50.140 what this interview is 0.97

00:05:51.000 clowns everywhere balloons 0.96

00:05:52.120 everyone thinks 1.00

00:05:52.840 we're gonna fuck with them 1.00

00:05:53.840 yeah 1.00

00:05:54.080 kill the clowns 1.00

00:05:57.200 no put them back 1.00

00:05:58.620 I did see the clown thing

00:06:00.140 we were told in our brief 1.00

00:06:02.240 don't bring fucking clowns 0.99

00:06:04.160 no we did 1.00

00:06:04.660 I wonder if I can even read it

00:06:05.600 they said it's the one thing

00:06:06.900 that's off limits

00:06:07.540 that don't 0.96

00:06:08.000 do not bring a clown

00:06:08.740 don't mention clowns

00:06:09.740 don't laugh like a clown 0.80

00:06:10.740 don't even mention Andrew Schultz 0.89

00:06:12.120 that's what they said to us

00:06:13.540 i was so out of control on that podcast and i was embarrassed because i didn't know how i behave

00:06:18.960 normally when you're on a podcast you represent yourself second the clown came in i shut down 0.98

00:06:23.200 i froze and i couldn't be funny i couldn't turn it around and i was like i was like fuck now 0.99

00:06:28.660 everyone knows my weakness bring out clowns and i shut down so now it's my turn to gas you up 0.94

00:06:32.880 so what you're describing here is the reason why i'm a fan it's the reason why i along with i i

00:06:37.940 think probably a lot of people really like you is you're this really funny jovial spirit but you're

00:06:42.720 also like kind of emotional and and you wear it on your sleeve and we can like relate to it and we

00:06:48.000 see it and you've chosen online to be vulnerable at points which i love from comedians it's it's

00:06:55.680 the one thing with comedians that sometimes i feel a little bit of a disconnect is that they're

00:07:00.320 always joking and i'm not sure when when they're real you know theo vaughn what what is he a real

00:07:07.220 person i'm not so sure about that dude i've known him for 20 years i couldn't tell you

00:07:12.360 i've been sitting with him at times and he's like are you doing a bit right now like well

00:07:17.900 how do we know how do we know nah but you've you've um been one of the people in this new age

00:07:24.460 media that has decided to open up your life and your feelings and and we love it burton so we're

00:07:30.260 honored to have you on i'm glad you didn't cancel no clowns are coming i like that he's always doing

00:07:35.780 that i like that he's always smiling sometimes i'm not sure when i see you doing it if you're

00:07:40.800 actually happy or if you're in some kind of pain no because that smile is so big and infectious

00:07:46.000 and i just am curious sometimes so i have i think i have this first of all i have like a punitive

00:07:50.180 brain so like i wake up if i'm hungover i wake up i force myself to work out and i force myself to

00:07:55.480 i'll get on instagram and do like a story and that'll kind of change my thing around doing

00:07:59.560 podcasts it's the easiest way for me to connect and get like into who i am again and so i really

00:08:04.440 like this is probably more of who i am than it when like when i'm on a podcast i'm super honest

00:08:10.040 to a fault i think um but yeah man i i got i i don't know i've had a few times where i've shared

00:08:16.280 emotions like like the first i'll tell you the first time i ever really really did it was when

00:08:20.360 we did sober october with joe for the first time and he asked me how much i drank and i was like

00:08:25.320 and it's one of those moments where like because no one really knew the jungle we were going into

00:08:29.280 with podcasting you didn't know that it could really fuck your career up that or that it could

00:08:33.300 really help your career or how to do either or and all i was like i've never lied i'm just gonna

00:08:38.420 tell the truth and i was like i have like nine drinks a night and i know that i'm kind of telling

00:08:43.060 the truth but segura's next to me he starts laughing hysterically and he's like and joe joe's

00:08:48.460 i don't know how well you know joe but he can get super depressing at times

00:08:52.560 he just goes buddy and segura's laughing he goes they're doubles joe these aren't nine these are

00:08:58.660 double 18 drinks a night and joe just freaks out we need to get you a doctor we need to get you

00:09:03.840 and like gets into serious joe mode but like those moments i overshare and i i you know like

00:09:08.660 chris de stefano and i cried on my on my podcast that's the that's the one that i saw yeah right

00:09:13.280 it was it was about your your kids yeah and and it's uh but i don't know i don't know any other

00:09:18.680 way to represent it than just be 100 honest is it weird that you feel more open when the cameras

00:09:24.900 are on and more yourself like that yeah that's something to explore a little bit i will you know

00:09:30.600 it's the it's the thing i like like i never liked comics i mean i liked them but i never liked the

00:09:34.980 comics where you met them and then they were totally different off stage like i'll say i can

00:09:39.680 say it about because he's my friend but like dane cook i remember watching dane cook on stage you

00:09:44.700 guys weren't even out of high school you had a grade school it was fucking frenetic amazing

00:09:51.120 spectacular it was like watching 0.95

00:09:53.100 the first caveman make fire

00:09:54.940 or the first guy make a Snickers bar and go

00:09:56.900 here try that

00:09:57.800 and then you met Dane and he was very quiet 1.00

00:10:00.960 and shy and you were like wait what the fuck 0.99

00:10:02.700 you got gypped 1.00

00:10:03.480 I remember trying to work a foursome with him 0.99

00:10:06.600 and I was like what do you mean by that

00:10:08.260 me and him and two girls

00:10:09.560 and what was the problem was he just super shy

00:10:12.700 he's just Dane is a very

00:10:14.180 I don't know I'd rather go play

00:10:16.840 I bought a 12 pack of beer he's like I don't drink

00:10:18.820 Dane couldn't be like 0.92

00:10:21.120 lame cock wow that's like oh no i was gonna because we have one of those stories too 0.97

00:10:27.960 we have i'll be honest we've talked about it before we have one of those stories too or 0.99

00:10:32.300 now he's got a wife and shit but we we had a situation where we attempted to do that as well 0.88

00:10:37.920 and he became dane cook in the situation yeah it's not it's not dane's fault he said the only 0.99

00:10:42.260 thing he got out before he ran screaming and crying from the group scenario was his knee touched my

00:10:47.800 elbow his knee touched my elbow bro he was so shocked by the fact that my knee had made contact

00:10:52.720 with his elbow that he couldn't take it he just can't can't touch your boys cannot touch your 0.93

00:10:57.200 boys i wish we have video of this awkward foursome it was so fucking hilarious i couldn't stop 0.99

00:11:03.140 drinking i couldn't turn it off i was the comedian dane is like what the fuck are we doing these two 0.99

00:11:08.220 girls are down to fuck and we just dane's going i'm going home i'm playing video games and he 0.99

00:11:12.340 left i stayed there spent the night i ended up moving in with those two girls what what yeah 1.00

00:11:16.900 that's my personality okay okay okay so this is another thing we wanted to mention you're from

00:11:20.440 florida right and and then you say things like this and your life has taken a lot of twists and

00:11:24.980 turns at one point what there was a there was an article rolling stone magazine six half page

00:11:29.640 article about me calling the number one party animal country well you're like 22 years old

00:11:32.860 25 i was i was like a seven year senior oh what was it florida state florida state massive massive 0.85

00:11:39.800 the funnest time of my fucking life i mean oh they wrote they wrote an article about you for 0.95

00:11:45.220 being a party animal yeah you really were the machine international and internationally renowned 0.99

00:11:50.760 i think i think when i met the russian mafia is when i turned it on oh you really you've gotten

00:11:55.800 to the role yeah but well i i never was like a big drinker until i met them and then when i met

00:11:59.860 them i realized if i drank we would have fun and it was like almost like everything was looser and

00:12:05.240 more fun and then when i came home my chick that i've been dating for five years cheated on me

00:12:09.360 with my best friend and so i just was like oh i'm not showing you emotion i'm not gonna let you know

00:12:15.180 that i'm hurt i'm having a good time i'm partying and we cranked it up and then i moved into this

00:12:19.200 house and then next thing you know rolling stone calls and i'm in the middle of a bong hit about

00:12:22.780 to play frisbee disc golf and the guy's like can i hang out with you for like five days and i

00:12:27.760 exhale the bong hit and he's like were you just doing a bong hit i was like oh yeah he was like

00:12:32.360 i found the right guy and then they wrote an article about me changed my life changed my life

00:12:36.360 entirely oliver stone option the rights of my life i moved to new york started stand up six

00:12:40.540 months later will smith discovered me see can you is there any chance you can just stop for a second

00:12:46.340 what you just did right there is gave us 400 different like exit routes like i could go into

00:12:51.840 either you you talked about the russian mob will smith van wilder we could talk about fsu 0.86

00:12:56.400 bong rips with you know double threesome prostitutes tate dame cook like dude i don't know where to go 0.97

00:13:03.360 with you i want to start where it all started which is florida like do you are you the florida 0.98

00:13:09.720 man we think you're just a successful florida man i am 100 when people go why do you take your

00:13:14.860 shirt off no one asks me that when i'm in florida they go yeah he takes his shirt because they have 1.00

00:13:18.540 their shirts off too that's what you do shit gets out of control you rip your fucking shirt off 0.99

00:13:24.240 that's what you fucking do the florida man's real though right like the florida man uh wrestles 0.99

00:13:28.960 alligator in the street dude i grew up with shopping cart i grew up knowing knowing two 0.99

00:13:33.000 dudes without tongues that's florida tongueless brett and i swear to god saw dude get struck by

00:13:40.740 lightning twice i mean florida dude florida was when we moved into our neighborhood the big kids

00:13:47.940 i was telling them the other day the big kids were like came in with bb guns and they're like

00:13:52.380 hey we're gonna hunt you and we're like huh and they're like you got to the count of 10 and we're

00:13:56.140 like well i don't think we want to be hunted and they're like 10 and then when they caught you they 1.00

00:14:01.140 put ice cubes up your asshole it was a fucking that florida for you was it that was and that 1.00

00:14:05.260 was pre bath salts right that's oh that's well this is like this is like i was there for the 1.00

00:14:10.020 first generation of florida men those were all my uncles those guys came down because they want

00:14:14.500 they heard you could get h go to hcc like a community college down there get a degree live

00:14:18.860 on the beach bartend bang chicks clean coke coke was all over florida then right and uh do you ever

00:14:24.940 try crack no no no nasty drug yeah nasty drug i'm always curious about your

00:14:30.680 experiences with drugs i know you don't go into it too much but i've heard you no i know i do i

00:14:35.420 do i just think some people are sick of hearing hearing about it you know i want to say something

00:14:39.240 actually on that note just just i gotta give you some credit dude because we joke about it a lot

00:14:44.540 like oh mike always talks about drugs he won't stop sending his book to my house um signed but

00:14:50.880 but man you see the comments and uh even just one conversation about your rehabilitation can

00:14:56.080 can help if it helps one person yeah we've won for sure so like we joke about you talking about

00:15:00.920 it too much but i think that's but there's also just there's also just a lot to like unpack like

00:15:05.600 i was even thinking about it today before i came here because i wanted to talk to you a little bit

00:15:09.460 about crack just because i just wasn't sure if you ever tried because you seem like somebody who

00:15:17.380 would try it is true to be honest we were no i've never done crack tommy and i were we were joking

00:15:22.680 about trying it on our podcast.

00:15:24.280 Live, on air.

00:15:25.760 NASCAR's 75th anniversary season

00:15:27.420 is now in full swing

00:15:28.380 with drivers giving it all they've got

00:15:29.960 to lock in a playoff spot.

00:15:31.780 This weekend, NASCAR takes on

00:15:33.180 the biggest and baddest track,

00:15:34.840 the Talladega Super Speedway.

00:15:37.060 This beast is two and a half miles

00:15:38.440 of nothing but pure speed

00:15:39.900 and always puts on a legendary show.

00:15:41.780 The top drivers of NASCAR Cup Series

00:15:43.700 will be battling it out at speeds

00:15:45.220 close to 200 miles an hour,

00:15:46.940 just inches away from each other

00:15:48.280 for 500 miles.

00:15:50.120 You're going to want to watch

00:15:50.720 every second of action

00:15:51.820 so you don't miss the big one.

00:15:54.200 If you've never checked out NASCAR, you've got to see this race.

00:15:56.340 Grab some beers, order some food, and tune in to the GEICO 500

00:15:59.400 on Sunday, April 23rd at 3 p.m. Eastern on Fox.

00:16:02.840 Mike's not here to do the sound effect.

00:16:04.240 I'll do it now.

00:16:07.480 Back to the show.

00:16:08.380 He shot me up with steroids the other day.

00:16:09.620 They don't get age-gated.

00:16:10.500 Oh, what kind? What are you doing?

00:16:12.820 Testosterone.

00:16:13.420 Oh, yeah? It's testosterone and steroids.

00:16:15.520 Yeah, it is.

00:16:16.320 I call it my gear.

00:16:17.180 So I had a whole argument about it the other day.

00:16:19.040 Oh, you do?

00:16:20.180 Oh, yeah.

00:16:20.600 Oh yeah, my Arnold's

00:16:22.100 Are you kidding me?

00:16:22.820 All I do is 1.00

00:16:23.620 I love the shit 1.00

00:16:24.300 I love it 1.00

00:16:25.160 I love shooting myself up with it

00:16:26.920 I love everything about it 1.00

00:16:28.540 My dick's hard non-stop 1.00

00:16:30.120 I jerked off three times the other day 1.00

00:16:31.840 I mean, it is awesome

00:16:32.920 How much are you doing?

00:16:34.140 I don't know

00:16:34.800 Just running it

00:16:36.620 Full syringe 0.79

00:16:37.320 Do I look like a guy 0.99

00:16:38.200 Who fucks with details? 0.98

00:16:40.080 Do you know what your level is? 0.99

00:16:41.840 I don't know

00:16:42.820 Just do it

00:16:43.720 No, it's low

00:16:44.240 Dude

00:16:45.700 You're probably at like

00:16:47.540 1500 right now

00:16:48.580 No, no, no

00:16:49.340 Right now I might be

00:16:50.380 When one of my levels got tested, I was like at 350.

00:16:53.020 Oh, so you needed it.

00:16:53.600 Oh, I needed it.

00:16:54.120 I was really low.

00:16:54.680 Because it's a big thing here in L.A.

00:16:56.040 Like, a lot of people are using it to try to get back to their youth

00:16:59.320 and keep that youth fulfilled. 0.99

00:16:59.760 Yeah, but I'm getting the OG shit where you stick it in your body. 1.00

00:17:03.260 L.A., you got to get a pill stub put in your ass. 1.00

00:17:05.800 No, no, I get a needle, too. 1.00

00:17:07.060 For real? 1.00

00:17:07.400 Right in my ass, dude. 1.00

00:17:08.280 Who's your guy? 1.00

00:17:09.000 I'll introduce you.

00:17:09.880 He's great.

00:17:10.560 He's got other stuff, too.

00:17:11.560 CJC, Growth, NAD, NAD+.

00:17:14.320 Oh, I'm on NAC.

00:17:16.060 Oh, is that the next?

00:17:17.240 I don't know.

00:17:18.040 I don't know.

00:17:18.320 dude dude i got my gear i just started taking it your gear it's i don't think it's gear oh it's 0.99

00:17:24.120 gear okay all right all right does your wife get mad when you jerk off 1.00

00:17:27.740 she's probably happy because then she doesn't have to do it for you fuck no she i there was 1.00

00:17:35.440 one time we were at segura's house and he has uh soft water you know what that is i think so 0.99

00:17:41.080 it's where it's slippery yeah and uh we were in the shower gives you like eczema no no i think 0.94

00:17:46.040 it's good cures your eczema but you could jerk off without just water oh come on i swear to god 0.74

00:17:50.880 i swear to god it's that slippery whose house is this so girl he said to me have you ever felt 0.94

00:17:56.020 soft water and i said and i had at his house i didn't remember it was his house and i was like 0.81

00:18:00.300 dude i jerked off in a shower because the water was so soft with my wife in the shower and he was 0.99

00:18:05.740 like where and i was like oh fuck it was at your house he was like you jerked off in my house i 1.00

00:18:10.400 was like you have really soft water man yeah it's fucking soft water it's a game changer i guess it 1.00

00:18:14.740 You feel like you can't get the soap off you though 0.98

00:18:16.360 That's the worst 1.00

00:18:17.400 I don't fuck with that 1.00

00:18:18.180 No I don't like that 1.00

00:18:19.320 So hard water's the problem

00:18:20.740 Hard water

00:18:21.480 That's like the enemy

00:18:21.940 That's what we have

00:18:22.800 Right

00:18:23.220 That's what we all have

00:18:24.000 Yeah 0.63

00:18:24.120 And you definitely have hard water in Florida

00:18:25.580 Oh yeah

00:18:26.320 That's like probably the hardest

00:18:27.460 Yeah

00:18:28.240 I mean we drank

00:18:29.120 Yeah we drank out of the hose growing up

00:18:30.700 Yeah

00:18:31.020 Yeah we did that

00:18:32.140 Well Ohio's different

00:18:33.360 Ohio's like kissing cousins with Florida

00:18:36.200 100%

00:18:37.640 I think it's Ohio, Florida and Pennsylvania

00:18:39.820 I think it's like the holy triumvirate of you know

00:18:42.980 Yeah I love Ohio

00:18:43.980 Degeneracy

00:18:44.600 what i love ohio what part all of it we'll see ohio has more comedy clubs in than any state so we

00:18:53.340 spend more time in ohio as a comic than any other state you'll ever go to and adversely i have huge

00:18:58.720 followings in like columbus i'm doing the rocket mortgage field house uh in cleveland whoa week

00:19:04.920 yeah and so we have huge followings all in uh ohio so i love ohio i'm in ohio all the time

00:19:11.400 Oh, amazing.

00:19:12.140 Yeah, yeah.

00:19:12.380 I think it's an amazing spot to grow up, raise kids, start a family.

00:19:15.900 Yeah.

00:19:16.240 I just had to move on.

00:19:17.420 Yeah.

00:19:17.760 Well, okay, so for you, though, you were this Florida man,

00:19:21.920 and there's a lot of Florida men out there who may still feel like they're,

00:19:25.700 you know, trapped wrestling the alligator with the shopping cart in the street,

00:19:28.360 doing the bath salts.

00:19:29.380 Yeah.

00:19:29.660 I'm getting struck by lightning, these type of men.

00:19:32.020 You made it out, though.

00:19:33.840 Did you know you wanted to be a comic,

00:19:35.280 or how how how did you escape that um treacherous cyclical uh storm that is florida so i was gonna

00:19:43.900 i was probably gonna sell boats or carpets is what i was gonna do uh and when i got out of college

00:19:50.800 my senior year that that article got written and like three dudes my dad being one of them

00:19:56.320 gave me like great advice they're like if you want to get out of this state then this is your

00:20:02.640 opportunity this one article i'd had a lot of weird offers happen uh like oprah wanted me to

00:20:08.280 do her show uh it was really crazy it was before fame like fame now is not super accessible but

00:20:15.040 it's way more accessible than it was then this is 1997 and so uh like i said oliver's thrown

00:20:21.360 option the rest of my life and it gave me the confidence to move to new york and do stand-up

00:20:24.820 i'd never i'd done stand-up one time and uh but were you like a funny guy like that's a lot of

00:20:29.720 stand-ups i feel like their friends are like you're hilarious you should do stand-up and that's the

00:20:33.200 guy that never does stand-up it's like everyone said to me you're the funniest guy i've ever met 0.96

00:20:37.160 you have to do stand-up but you gotta remember my sense of humor was i took a shit on a pizza box

00:20:40.660 to win an election so like that was my sense of humor yeah you can't do that on stage yeah at the 0.97

00:20:44.600 box yeah have you been to the box oh yeah of course dude have you been to the one in london

00:20:52.480 the one in london i feel like you did a feature presentation were you one of the performers i

00:20:57.460 you know i went in and i went in and we got so we had some celebrity hook us up and i was like hey 0.99

00:21:02.920 you can't get them to grab me because my energy is play along with it and i will go hard as fuck 0.82

00:21:09.760 there was a there was a show i used to tell the story there was a thing called flying dildos i 0.96

00:21:14.180 don't know if you've ever heard the story it's when we were in college we went to amsterdam and 0.98

00:21:18.280 we saw this sign that said live sex live sex flying dildos and i was like guys fuck him frank's house 0.89

00:21:23.000 like drones yeah no that's the energy i'm talking about right there it's curiosity you're going how 0.99

00:21:28.800 do they do it i gotta get in there how do they do it i want to see how it's done and so we go in

00:21:32.100 and uh and we're like there's 30 like-minded gentlemen we're all just sitting around smoking

00:21:36.360 joints drinking beers going how'd they do it is it like lawn darts yeah do we throw them yeah

00:21:41.100 was it like those fountains at epcot where it's girl to girls so so we uh so the show starts

00:21:48.500 first girl comes out kind of looks like danny devito not attractive yeah just oil rigs herself

00:21:53.500 we're like soft water hard water hard water and so uh we were like do you do flying dildos and 0.53

00:22:01.360 she goes no and so we're like give her a golf clap and then two girls come out and they're like 0.80

00:22:06.300 kissing yeah we're like yeah we just want to troll fist itself like get the hell out of here bring

00:22:10.280 up we're like flying dildos and a dude comes out we're like hard pass and now we're so unruly

00:22:15.980 a woman comes out thigh high boots leather thong medicine bag biker's cap no top those gentlemen

00:22:23.480 i am flying dildos i'm gonna need a volunteer from the audience and everyone looks at me like 0.97

00:22:28.760 you're up asshole yeah i go up i'm so caught this is my energy and i think it's why i am where i am 0.99

00:22:34.780 today because i love i love the fucking impulse i love the you're a big yes ander yeah yes and 1.00

00:22:42.080 your life is improv i've done coke on accident before like where i just go oh shit i just did 0.99

00:22:48.020 i thought that was k i thought it was k no we were trying we were trying to load a bullet and 0.98

00:22:51.660 i go you're doing it wrong you gotta i went oh shit and so so uh so i'm up on stage and then 0.95

00:22:58.440 she puts a handcuff on me and i'm like whoa and then another handcuff goes on me i'm like oh now 0.98

00:23:03.440 i'm starting like maybe we should ask how this is done she kicks my feet out from under me 0.97

00:23:07.900 rips my pants off my dick falls out of my boxers unprepared i look at my best friend in the front 1.00

00:23:13.680 row i'm like poke it back in he's like no fucking way and then she excalibers a 12 inch dildo 1.00

00:23:19.740 into my mouth and proceeds to try to fuck it and going get your cameras out this is i'm up there 1.00

00:23:26.280 like i look like the very last unicorn dildo out of my face hands cut behind my back wind knocked 1.00

00:23:31.840 out of me so when we got to the box i was like you cannot let them pull me off stage yeah i'm a yes 1.00

00:23:36.300 sand motherfucker and next thing you know i'm letting a dude fuck me in the ass while he shaves 1.00

00:23:39.760 he said excalibur's excalibur's a dildo in his mouth dude you wrote a you wrote a check your 1.00

00:23:45.720 ass couldn't cash you should have just gone to the aunt frank house at that point dude it happened 0.99

00:23:49.160 again as an adult as an adult it's happened for the record it's happened two more times and my

00:23:55.860 assistant was at one of them oh dude have you ever gone to the banana room tell me about it 0.99

00:24:01.200 Banana room is fucking insane.

00:24:02.840 We had, so I told KFC Radio over at Barstool Sports, 0.95

00:24:07.500 I said to them one time, yo, what if you got a phone call?

00:24:10.820 And I said, you have 24 hours.

00:24:12.680 I got tickets waiting for you at the airport.

00:24:14.340 24 hours to live.

00:24:15.280 24 hours to meet me somewhere.

00:24:16.580 Okay. 1.00

00:24:19.540 Oh, shit. 0.99

00:24:20.960 Bring me to the banana room, dude. 1.00

00:24:23.320 Fuck. 1.00

00:24:24.300 I said, I'm going to buy you a ticket. 1.00

00:24:26.660 I won't tell you where it's for, but I'm going to send you a text

00:24:28.840 and say, you know, it's on.

00:24:30.440 and then you got to get to the airport and then meet me somewhere are you in and they're like yeah

00:24:34.260 so i bought him two tickets to amsterdam and we went to amsterdam for three days and just party

00:24:39.680 our ass off we ended our last night everyone's eating mushrooms everyone's drunk we lost one

00:24:45.100 guy he'd like like light case od'd uh then and and we're in the banana room they're doing flying 0.99

00:24:53.200 dildos again they're shooting it out of their vaginas across the room we're going nuts kevin 1.00

00:24:57.880 connelly from entourage walks oh my god and goes what's that motherfucker oh my god shut up he 1.00

00:25:03.880 catches the dildo midair grabs it it is the craziest i love that shit are you sure you saw 1.00

00:25:10.340 that or is there a chance you were just like i was all fucked up i swear to god i swear to god 1.00

00:25:14.700 that was one of the funnest nights you're living like the stories that you you only hear about 0.97

00:25:19.020 because someone told you from someone else like like a game of telephone but it's your life yeah

00:25:24.440 well i'm also i'm also good at telling a story so like i i know what parts to take out oh yeah

00:25:28.560 like i can you know i can tell you that that uh true that feidelberg threw up at a casino

00:25:32.820 on an asian woman that's not important but yeah i'm gonna worry no but yeah i i man i just think

00:25:40.600 like like as things have happened because i guess razzle dazzle's done pretty well and i have the

00:25:44.520 movie coming out and as you get like celebrities reaching out to you that i go oh let me get 0.98

00:25:50.300 fucking famous i will fucking run it into the fucking ground like i will have like nights 0.99

00:25:56.440 where robert downey jr is like shut the fuck up like that would be fun as fuck it's probably 1.00

00:26:01.260 gonna happen i feel like i don't know i feel like your life anything could happen nothing's 0.99

00:26:05.240 off limits at this point i don't i feel like i uh i feel like i take big chances like i like i like

00:26:12.000 to do fun things like we were in uh we went to the favelas in uh in rio brazil yeah that's wild

00:26:19.100 and we took motorcycles up into the favelas and uh i got lost and got into the soccer game with

00:26:23.920 these kids like i have fun shit happen to me i think also because i worked for travel channel

00:26:28.260 for so long yeah i want to talk about yeah i worked for travel channel for like eight years

00:26:31.400 and so i would i have crazy stories from that and then as you get access to things 0.77

00:26:35.860 and things get bigger you know you start going like oh let's do that let's fucking do that let's 0.99

00:26:41.160 let's go to bali for two days let's go to hawaii for the weekend like that's that's kind of shit 0.98

00:26:45.340 It seems like it's all a result of you saying yes to everything. 0.98

00:26:49.760 I have a really hard time saying no.

00:26:51.180 You're like the real life yes man, like Jim Carrey.

00:26:54.160 Well, I don't think no gets you anything.

00:26:57.400 I remember when I first came out to Hollywood, this is a small example of that.

00:27:00.460 They had a showcase at the Laugh Factory, and no one wanted to go second

00:27:05.160 because this guy named Earthquake, who is a monster on stage, was going first,

00:27:10.200 and no one wanted to go second.

00:27:11.360 and i thought that's weird energy to have on your showcase night you should be like 0.96

00:27:17.560 fucking put me in and i was like how hard is it going to be to murder after a dude that 0.92

00:27:22.300 just murdered the energy's there yeah and i watched a lot of those dudes one of the dudes 0.99

00:27:27.420 killed himself but like a lot of those dudes aren't doing it anymore and i think that negative

00:27:32.460 energy is like i just i took every job that's ever offered to me anytime anyone wants to do a

00:27:36.940 podcast even if i'm in edmonton and it's a dude who doesn't have his apartment i do it why not

00:27:40.840 oh really yeah yeah i do everything and i think you know like tommy doesn't tommy segura is not 0.72

00:27:46.780 he's like i'll do the things i'm comfortable with but i just love fucking well you can never i'm i'm 0.80

00:27:52.760 more like you i he he has to be selective for time reasons and the amount of shit he does but i'm i'm 0.95

00:27:57.620 very much like you and that's one of the reasons why i did smoke crack um is because i i say yes 0.82

00:28:02.960 to pretty much everything but i found that you can't ever predict where saying yes can lead to

00:28:09.620 You can always predict what saying no can lead to.

00:28:11.700 It can lead you back to whatever you're already doing or something else safe or whatever.

00:28:15.380 But when you say yes to things, you meet new people, you try new things, you experience new things,

00:28:20.680 and you find comfort in those things that could then lead you to doing other things.

00:28:24.300 And it's saying yes is the easiest way to continue to climb the ladder.

00:28:27.960 When you say no, it's usually a result of like fear or uncomfortability or anxiety or whatever.

00:28:33.380 And in life, you have to get over those things to have any kind of real success.

00:28:36.680 it seems like you've done that at every junction yeah i made some mistakes i made some like

00:28:42.160 obviously well saying yes to everything it's saying yes to everything bound to like i just

00:28:46.440 love the i don't know i like the tickle of it you know it's like uh i have this video that i did on

00:28:50.920 barstool about uh never quitting drinking and it was i saw and i was like i just i mean by the way

00:28:57.520 i i was tired i didn't want to do that interview like but i did it yeah and then that video goes

00:29:03.760 viral but that energy is what i like i love the i love the tickle of it you know when someone's

00:29:08.000 like when you when someone says you you want to do something and you shouldn't do it you're like

00:29:11.100 yeah let's fucking do it i'm a huge believer in that too i mean i i'm a little maybe more selective 0.62

00:29:15.620 now because i'm just running out of energy to be honest i gotta be like i feel like you have you i 0.96

00:29:20.480 feel like you guys i love your energy i actually sometimes like playfully quit think about quitting

00:29:26.500 drinking because i see how much energy you guys have and i go i would love to be back there what

00:29:30.840 you think it's because we're sober you guys don't drink do you come on depends on when you ask

00:29:34.320 i i mean i'll do years so i don't do any narcotics no drugs really but it depends when you ask 2020

00:29:40.380 fully sober you should do a shot right now well i'm sober right now so oh then i am too well i

00:29:46.800 was gonna ask you about that too because when we we don't do a 10 a.m or 11 a.m podcast very

00:29:52.460 for real we i'm not i gotta wake up and like get into the zone a little bit you walked in here it 0.94

00:29:57.780 like you did bath salts this morning i had a fucking workout this morning oh you already 0.90

00:30:02.200 worked out i trained at eight in the morning i got up at i was lucid dreaming so i was having 0.99

00:30:06.440 like a cool fun morning cool cool those are fun those are fun when you watch and you're in your

00:30:12.080 dream like it's real and you're so entertained it's a movie what was it about i had one of those

00:30:16.280 uh wait what was yours about this is my problem i can't really recall like five seconds after i

00:30:22.580 wake up oh oh i am very adamant about remembering my dreams really yeah i used to what i used to do

00:30:28.720 is speak them into my phone and then oh and i tell my dream immediately everything i remember

00:30:33.340 try to remember everything because you can untangle all your dreams once you get one dream 1.00

00:30:37.400 you're like oh shit i had a dream about bradley cooper last night and then you're like oh fuck 0.99

00:30:41.320 i had a dream about star wars god damn it like but my dream last night there was i always have 0.99

00:30:46.100 i have a lot of stuff going on in my life i'm organizing crocodiles or alligators and so for

00:30:50.820 whatever reason i'm just making sure you're from florida i think so yeah and i had a terrible fear

00:30:55.020 of you're organizing them organizing them like i'm in a place where they're where they're coming at

00:30:59.560 me and i'm like no no no no hold on you got to go over there and i'm pushing is there what's the

00:31:03.680 what's the justification for the organ is it height is it like length of tail no and and it's

00:31:08.800 on there always ends with one of our dogs says a big fear in florida is that your dog get eaten

00:31:12.840 by an alligator for my cousins for real in florida yeah oh no not his cousin's dog his cousins to

00:31:18.740 two of his cousins

00:31:19.460 got eaten by

00:31:20.200 his cousins

00:31:22.840 were eaten

00:31:24.140 I want to meet

00:31:25.020 these two guys

00:31:25.800 no they're dead

00:31:26.680 dude 1.00

00:31:26.960 they're fucking 1.00

00:31:27.640 toast 1.00

00:31:28.160 dismembered

00:31:29.440 now

00:31:29.780 no

00:31:32.560 and at the end

00:31:33.660 of the dream

00:31:34.020 our dog Mona

00:31:35.320 fell in the water

00:31:35.920 and I pulled Mona 1.00

00:31:36.660 out and she was 0.88

00:31:37.480 saying no

00:31:38.480 no and I went

00:31:39.280 hey you can talk

00:31:40.080 and then I went

00:31:42.180 wait

00:31:42.560 this is a dream

00:31:44.140 because I knew

00:31:44.640 this is a dream 0.96

00:31:45.600 it gets too ridiculous 0.98

00:31:46.320 and that's when I go 0.92

00:31:47.620 alright hold it 0.98

00:31:48.580 breathe relax you're in control you're dreaming let's have some fun and it's so fucking crazy 0.96

00:31:54.720 that in this dream i said where do i want to go i said i want to go find my wife 0.85

00:31:59.540 in a dream that's what you're gonna look for your life you already got her in real life 24 7

00:32:05.180 adriana chechik 1.00

00:32:07.060 yeah but that could 52 year old menopausal 1.00

00:32:13.860 You find her in your dreams 1.00

00:32:18.700 Get away from me

00:32:19.920 My problem with dreaming is

00:32:21.560 You're not going to like this

00:32:23.720 I'm not convinced they actually mean anything at all

00:32:26.940 And so like

00:32:28.460 Minus your dream just now

00:32:30.720 Because it was entertaining

00:32:31.940 Man when people tell me about their dreams 0.98

00:32:33.380 I just don't give a fuck 0.90

00:32:34.560 I have the best 0.98

00:32:36.600 I had a dream one time

00:32:38.100 That Elvis and I were in an elevator

00:32:40.080 Old school Elvis, big fat Elvis

00:32:41.720 And he's like hey baby, you want to party?

00:32:43.680 and i was like yeah and he handed me a pill and i popped it he popped it and then all of a sudden

00:32:48.100 he goes flipper on me just and i'm like oh crap i grab him i can carry him because it's a dream

00:32:52.860 i go to the front counter at the hotel i say what room is he in they tell me 111 111 is my power

00:32:57.920 number so i take him down to 111 i prop him up on the door grab his key open the door and as the 0.96

00:33:03.500 door opens i see five dudes butt fucking throwing up in burger king cups dan cook just and i'm like 0.97

00:33:12.360 i shut the door i go elvis what the fuck's going on in your room and he wakes up and he goes 0.99

00:33:16.720 it's your dream baby oh shit i woke up immediately fucking looked at my wife i was like you're never 1.00

00:33:24.380 gonna believe i tell her the dream she's her concern is the gay shit i go uh-uh fuck the gay 1.00

00:33:29.440 shit that's been here for years you think that's the first gay dream i don't know i'm worried about 1.00

00:33:36.700 the product placement like you know how upset burger king would be if they're like have it our 0.98

00:33:42.040 way i was like what did they do like i was trying to find out what did burger king do yeah to me

00:33:47.440 that day to get in the dream as a marketer that's what i'm interested in as well can i tell you can

00:33:53.000 i solve it you know yeah i would love to do a dream podcast where we get like a we get like a

00:34:00.460 like a like calm you ever listen to the calm app yeah get that chick to just relax you take you in

00:34:06.920 breathe for the next 30 seconds and then she does her magic and you fall asleep and that's where we

00:34:12.640 link up that's where like we're like hey we're in right all right let's load up we're fighting

00:34:18.120 dragons tonight we're in a big chamber let's let's see and we describe the room but you but

00:34:23.800 you're in someone's head while they sleep because i listen to a lot of history podcasts and i will

00:34:28.540 history podcast where i'm in the congo or like because it seeps have you done have you done

00:34:34.020 world war ii have you done any world war ii not the best i wouldn't recommend it it's yeah it's

00:34:39.160 if you listen to the dictators the dictators is the one i listen to and they've got like 15 parts

00:34:44.000 on hitler yeah no those ones you don't want to lucid you'll start on robert mugumbe and then 0.58

00:34:48.520 it'll go into hitler and then you just have holocaust dreams for the rest of your night 0.99

00:34:52.780 you're like motherfucker do you know hitler i mean i like i can talk to you but you can't learn 0.99

00:34:59.380 too many facts about hitler because you sound like a lunatic yeah someone's like talking like 1.00

00:35:02.760 yeah you know the environment the bees you're like hitler's dad was a beekeeper like what the fuck 0.99

00:35:07.020 yeah i uh you have his cup i do i have his teacup you have hitler's teacup yeah your friend 0.98

00:35:13.500 give it to you tom yeah my best friend what a great gift help me figure out a gift for him 0.99

00:35:19.720 his birthday's in april i really want to fuck him up wait what is the deal with his teacup he i'm a 0.94

00:35:23.840 history buff so like and i'm big fan of winston churchill the legend you've done the war rooms 0.99

00:35:29.140 obviously legend in london did you go to the war rooms no every year i celebrate his death 0.77

00:35:33.940 by living like he did for a day that's awesome so i wake up full fucking spread full english 0.77

00:35:40.980 breakfast in bed uh soft scotch booze yep booze cigar paper yep uh hold meetings for about three 0.89

00:35:48.180 hours everyone comes in the room lunch with who anyone this year it's this no uh well yeah one

00:35:53.700 year it was with my kids yeah the first year was with my kids my wife did it this year we were in

00:35:58.400 uh in amsterdam and so my whole team came in my trainer my my my assistant everyone came in and

00:36:04.820 i took meetings in bed then you take a bath champagne for lunch cognac at night another

00:36:10.040 cigar you drink all through the day it's awesome he was wild dude he was wild he lived to like 92 0.98

00:36:14.940 legend dude what that's why all those rules and shit it's hard every fucking day you have to do 0.83

00:36:20.720 the war rooms in london really it is the number one attraction like history especially world war 0.83

00:36:25.980 ii all of the rooms that he lived in during the war or that he went to took to strategize against 0.99

00:36:32.520 the nazis are still intact dude he's a bad motherfucker the baddest i won an award uh i 0.99

00:36:37.360 won an award uh i don't know what it was for but it was uh it was the damn the torpedoes ward for 0.99

00:36:43.240 i created touring during the pandemic at driving movie theaters and i got this award but it's it's

00:36:48.780 his phrase and it was like during world war ii they're like what do we do they've got u-boats 0.99

00:36:53.520 out there they got submarines he's like damn the torpedoes full steam ahead that motherfucker was 0.98

00:36:59.420 badass he's a real one dude but so i'm a big winston churchill fan and so i celebrate winston 0.99

00:37:04.420 churchill's the death is death january 24th or whatever year so you celebrate his death you

00:37:09.260 you wouldn't rather just do like birthday i don't know because don't you think that's january is

00:37:14.780 more accessible for me the first day i figured out to do it it was december so i was like oh

00:37:20.560 cool it's next month i'm gonna wait till april yeah just made my sister yeah so uh tom and i

00:37:31.140 used to do this thing where we bought each other more expensive gifts every year so the first year

00:37:35.180 bought me an electric bike and then we said for rest because it was really it was a great bike

00:37:39.840 i love that bike still um and then i said you know me better than my wife let's just increase

00:37:45.820 the price of our gifts every year so the next year i bought him a jet ski and then the next year he

00:37:51.180 bought me a private jet from i was we were testing the movie so it was from like minneapolis to austin

00:37:57.060 to la to dallas to austin oh my god private jet tour uh yeah like he took me on like three private

00:38:02.560 and it was a g6 oh i mean that's that's a hundred yeah so i bought him a race car for our last one

00:38:09.160 whoa i bought him a race car y'all are rich it's yeah yeah yeah yeah and so uh so yeah you guys

00:38:14.580 are too we're all rich okay i wouldn't do that for my friends yeah okay well it's funny when you get

00:38:19.200 money later in life it just doesn't matter he actually gave me a better present than all of 0.97

00:38:22.860 yours really a porn star who lana fucking roads yeah he's the one that introduced me that's why 0.99

00:38:29.420 I dated her because he oh shut the fuck up yeah because he on my birthday I thought it was gonna 1.00

00:38:34.360 be some stupid gift I turned around it was fucking numero uno wow number one public enemy 1.00

00:38:39.780 wow yep just standing now he's raising her kid that's not his I have I'm not the dad I'm the 1.00

00:38:45.640 dad that stepped up for real no I'm not really but I do shoot I do I do shoot videos exploit

00:38:50.340 the kid I do use him for content bro that kid's awesome dude oh is he cool yeah he's a cool kid

00:38:54.920 It's cool.

00:38:55.360 It always got a crazy jump shot.

00:38:57.320 Yeah, I wonder why. 0.90

00:39:00.240 Wait, so anyway, back to the Nazis. 0.79

00:39:03.660 Back to the Nazis, bro. 0.74

00:39:12.220 Oh, yeah. 0.74

00:39:13.660 Oh, yeah. 1.00

00:39:14.240 Oh, fuck. 1.00

00:39:15.240 That's exactly what they did. 1.00

00:39:15.740 Okay, so anyways.

00:39:16.520 So I got him a race car, and then we started getting anxiety about our birthday gifts this year,

00:39:20.580 because it was like, we're in six figures, and my wife was pissed.

00:39:23.940 Yeah.

00:39:24.260 and so uh he said can we just try let's just make them fun and i was like okay like meaningful and

00:39:29.560 fun right so i was like okay so then he gave me the teacup and he goes i know your history buff

00:39:33.860 and i'm like oh my god he got me winston churchill's teacup oh it was churchill's teacup

00:39:38.720 no it's the furors dude and i have it and i'm and he's like and he's like that cup in your hand 0.98

00:39:45.620 it's 99 certainty that the furor himself drank from it and i'm like what the fuck and so he 0.93

00:39:53.700 He changed the whole birthday-giving thing, 1.00

00:39:55.980 so now we got to fuck with each other for our birthdays. 0.97

00:39:58.460 So his birthday's coming up in April. 0.99

00:39:59.760 I got to get him something.

00:40:00.460 Get him something good.

00:40:01.200 Very similar to his situation.

00:40:02.600 Him and his brother, well, technically just his brother,

00:40:04.840 do something similar.

00:40:05.840 Really?

00:40:06.340 No.

00:40:07.200 Fake gave him a Lamborghini.

00:40:08.480 Yeah, I don't know what Mike's talking about.

00:40:10.120 He hates it.

00:40:10.840 He's weird.

00:40:11.560 He's weird.

00:40:12.260 Wait, wait, wait.

00:40:12.940 I hate my birthday.

00:40:14.360 I don't really like gifts.

00:40:15.960 I don't want people to gift.

00:40:16.720 Just leave me alone.

00:40:17.380 Leave me alone.

00:40:17.900 Oh, I love my birthday.

00:40:18.780 Hate it so much.

00:40:19.500 I don't think people...

00:40:20.500 I kind of firmly believe...

00:40:23.700 that i'm not sure if people should be awarded for a decision they had no part in like i didn't ask

00:40:31.020 to be here i'm thankful now as a celebration of life i get it and for me it's it's like a milestone

00:40:39.080 but my problem is my birthday is on april 1st so everyone pranks me hey my rolling stone article

00:40:44.780 came out april 1st really yeah and i have like one week of my year it's your birthday week 0.84

00:40:49.780 has been a huge week for me every fucking year my movie started production i got written up in 0.83

00:40:55.880 rolling stone magazine i went to russia i started from my freshman year of college all that happened 0.91

00:41:01.400 in that i love those momentum weeks i love yeah sometimes you have those those really good weeks

00:41:05.780 that would be cool for me it's the opposite that week always sucks really always we got in a huge

00:41:10.700 fight that week yeah my birthday um consistently has been the worst day of the year every year for

00:41:15.720 the past like five years but i do think i do think this year is the the pivot oh yeah how old

00:41:21.720 are you i'm gonna be 28 and i i get to perform at wrestlemania on my birthday dude can i tell you

00:41:27.920 you're a really good wrestler thanks man like and like i've been a fan of wrestling i think just

00:41:32.800 because i'm from florida but when i first saw you wrestling i was like god damn it man this guy's

00:41:37.380 like actually like really talented and fearless that's true that i'll i'll i'll stand by yeah i 0.97

00:41:46.620 don't i don't just don't give a fuck i'll just do i'll send it you need that energy you know 0.63

00:41:51.180 especially especially when when cameras are on i remember i was filming with jake one time and i 0.99

00:41:55.460 was about to do i was pitching this stunt to him where we would both go on a tandem bike and go off 0.99

00:42:00.480 a jump if you can picture that and a high jump like three four feet like stupid as shit like 0.99

00:42:06.460 you have no balance on a tandem bike there's a person on the back right and jake looks at me and 0.99

00:42:09.880 he goes he goes logan like uh we're not we're not crash dummies anymore and we're not like 12 we

00:42:16.500 don't gotta do we don't gotta do this for views and i just remember like this really instinctual

00:42:21.340 feeling looking at him and being like i am a crash dummy i feel like that i i love stunts so

00:42:28.400 you gotta have you gotta have that exact energy to do that so we were in zanzibar and we were

00:42:32.880 doing this these kids were jumping off the side of a uh of like a ledge into what looked to be

00:42:40.780 like two feet of water and it was like a 30 foot drop and they were doing the thing ever seen the

00:42:45.160 thing where you punch it with your hands yeah at the end yeah that's how you survive and so i was

00:42:49.040 like seriously and so i was we it's a muslim country but we had gotten some booze over by

00:42:54.320 freddie mercury's house and i and i was like this twist and i had a little bit of i had a little bit 0.66

00:43:00.020 of energy i was like i bet i could fucking do this i bet i could fucking do this i bet i was 0.97

00:43:04.100 like fuck it i can do this and i grabbed one of the kids i go you think i can do this looks at me 0.99

00:43:08.100 he's like oh yeah i would love to see this let me get in the water i want to see it up close 0.99

00:43:12.880 and at the very last second someone stopped me they go don't do it and i went really and that

00:43:18.900 was the end of me doing fearless stuff i did all my own stunts in the movie that we did yeah because 0.84

00:43:23.860 i was like fuck it i can do it dude i can't i can't throw a punch to save when i first i had 0.85

00:43:30.640 to start we had to do fight scenes i didn't i didn't realize how hard it is to throw i had to 0.99

00:43:35.760 take extensive fight training just to look natural throwing a punch here i am talking shit to dudes 0.99

00:43:41.800 throwing trash out their window i can't throw a punch i'm so bad i'm not even fucking around in 0.98

00:43:47.720 my movie during the fight scenes i make the noises they had to edit out me going 0.98

00:43:53.460 like i swear to god wait i thought i thought you're secretly athletic i am secretly athletic 0.96

00:44:01.340 but i cannot throw a fucking punch have you ever fought yeah i've been in fights but but god forbid 0.96

00:44:06.140 you ever see those things back dude imagine watching yourself dude when we did i was like 0.98

00:44:14.100 we did a thing where i had to fall down a mountain and i was like i can do it don't worry i got it

00:44:18.340 and uh that's when i first hurt my elbow and then i had a fight scene where i had to tackle a guy

00:44:23.020 and go down a flight of stairs apparently going down a flight of stairs is the most dangerous

00:44:26.200 thing you can ever do yeah sidebar when i was written up in rolling stone magazine johnny 0.98

00:44:30.420 knoxville came down and partied with me in 1997 before jack whoa we got high as fuck eight pills 0.65

00:44:36.620 watch camp kill yourself dressed as women's and threw ourselves downstairs sidebar sidebar that's 0.85

00:44:41.800 amazing i know crazy right i got some really crazy amazing yeah johnny yeah that was pre-johnny 0.97

00:44:46.960 knoxville jackass he sat in his kitchen in my kitchen in college and pitched me jackass no 0.95

00:44:52.400 fucking and i was like why did you not do that why i wish i had i feel like you'd be a great 0.99

00:44:56.220 part of the jackass i would have been great i love that dude i love that show those them boys are 0.98

00:45:00.540 uh physically kind of altered now forever because of that stuff especially especially johnny yeah i

00:45:06.360 think i think yeah i think i think that took their toll on them yeah yeah maybe it's maybe

00:45:11.020 it's good you didn't do it i had a show called hurt bird that was like it where i got mauled by

00:45:14.040 a bull and once i got mauled by a bull i was like i'm done yo you went face to face with the bull

00:45:18.100 six seconds did you have the um do you make it a vine no no no i had to dress i had to dress in

00:45:22.980 clown makeup so i was already freaking out i'm melting down i couldn't do full makeup i was like

00:45:28.480 i can't you can put like a thing on me but i can't go yeah and and uh i had to wear someone else's

00:45:33.180 clothes so many of these things are like triggers for me like i had to wear someone else's clothes

00:45:36.480 i don't like wearing other people's clothes who does you think there's anybody out there who's

00:45:39.920 just a huge fan no there's people that just doesn't bother they go oh yeah give me a pair

00:45:42.820 of shoes i'll put those on well now there are some people who do like to do it and so they let

00:45:46.960 the bull out bull circles the ring this fast let the bull out bull circles the ring breaks my ribs

00:45:54.800 breaks my foot and goes back into the thing and and they're like this is back when television was

00:45:59.680 22 minutes and they're like yo you got to do it again we don't have enough content and you i mean

00:46:04.720 you hear me breaks my ribs and you go and then i go he breaks my foot and you can see me try to

00:46:10.440 get away and i can't use my foot like it just doesn't work you can find it online it's out

00:46:14.820 there but uh but yeah i uh i did that show and then i was like as soon as i got mobile

00:46:19.280 so i was a dominatrix gimp i swam with great white sharks out of the cage okay okay what

00:46:24.040 haven't you done because i feel like you've probably done most most things crack uh i've

00:46:29.400 i've done uh heroin pharmaceutical heroin oh like oxy yeah i fell off a waterfall

00:46:36.560 in north carolina on my back i thought i broke my back spinal yeah and so they're like yeah we

00:46:42.240 got to x-ray you in order to x-ray you we got to move you around in order like roll you around

00:46:46.120 like yeah need you almost like dough yeah yeah they're like they're like it's gonna hurt so 0.99

00:46:51.700 we're gonna give you dilaudid and oh that shit's that's the craziest i've been on every fucking 0.96

00:46:56.860 opiate and dilaudid is crazy bro johnny notchville when i first met him yeah first words out of his 0.99

00:47:03.000 mouth are do you know how to get dilaudid that shit's crazy i'm in college i'm like i don't even 1.00

00:47:06.940 know how to get pills i can get you cheap weed that's like if you're fucked up if you're fucked 0.99

00:47:11.780 up they give you that yeah and so she gave it to me and i was like i'm gonna write a poem 1.00

00:47:16.600 because it's do you have the poem uh no but i can tell you what it was it was oh fuck oh fuck 0.99

00:47:24.880 Oh fuck 1.00

00:47:26.320 Like a haiku 1.00

00:47:26.900 My face is hot

00:47:27.920 My face is hot 1.00

00:47:30.740 Oh fuck 1.00

00:47:31.160 Oh fuck 1.00

00:47:31.700 Oh fuck 1.00

00:47:32.320 My face is hot 1.00

00:47:33.360 Shit my pants 0.99

00:47:34.120 Oh my god 1.00

00:47:34.780 This is awesome

00:47:35.520 I'm going to bed

00:47:37.300 How many push ups

00:47:39.360 Can you do

00:47:39.800 50

00:47:40.420 Did you do chest today

00:47:46.080 I did chest today

00:47:46.900 Yeah

00:47:47.200 Why you wanna see me do 50

00:47:48.980 I was gonna challenge you

00:47:50.100 To a push up contest 0.92

00:47:50.940 Oh you can smoke me

00:47:52.460 Not challenge

00:47:52.960 You can smoke me

00:47:54.000 i think we should all just rock i could i could rock i can i can definitely bang i mean we did

00:47:58.760 do chest i did a hundred push-ups today and we did chest oh really oh you're probably fried huh 0.85

00:48:03.200 we could do some i don't feel i'm curious i'm all fucked up on benadryl right now we did we were at 0.79

00:48:08.220 the super bowl we did me shane gillis mark norman did these shows during the super bowl we're doing 0.86

00:48:13.460 them again in vegas this year all the comics everyone comes through and parties all the

00:48:17.500 football players and we're backstage and i'm like i could do 50 push-ups and gabe davis is like

00:48:22.940 bullshit that's a lot you can really do 50 yeah in one set or five sets of 10 no i can do 100 i

00:48:28.300 can do as many as i was doing a 200 a day at a certain point but we did for this sober october 0.99

00:48:34.180 me rogan arian tom did 100 push-ups a day so once you get once you start doing 100 push-ups a day

00:48:39.640 and i've been keeping up with it you can easily i mean like 20 is nothing 40 40 is where you start

00:48:45.740 feeling it yeah 42 yeah but i can imagine i can push through to 42 is like normally if i if i

00:48:51.900 because we were doing uh five burpees five squats and five push-ups and adding five every day okay 0.91

00:48:57.680 so by the end you're at like 150 and of course you miss the day you're fucked and so we were 0.54

00:49:02.160 doing that and uh i was getting to the place where i was just like i want to get through push-ups 0.85

00:49:06.720 so i could get 40 but i have to take a break and then i'd go 20s 20s 20s 20s did you see your

00:49:12.940 ability to do push-ups go up or down after you got uh hitler's little cup uh leveled out just

00:49:19.660 the same yeah it didn't change at all was it from i'm still very hung up on it mentally i don't think

00:49:25.300 we gave that cup enough credit is it from was it from the eagles nest no i don't know i don't know

00:49:31.040 there's been there's been a there's been some there's been some conspiracy online with some of

00:49:36.380 uh tom's i say tom's fans who are questioning the authenticity of it yeah so i see that happen

00:49:42.860 sometimes even with your stuff people are wondering if you actually were kgb because you were i are

00:49:47.920 you still with the red army bro because i saw that whole story obviously the machine story i've seen

00:49:53.340 it and i understand it and stuff but you know obviously russia being our sworn enemy yeah i

00:49:59.140 get curious sometimes like is it has this man turned and i thought and i thought recently that

00:50:05.040 it's it's either you which is my first choice i think you are a spy or it's or it's hasbola

00:50:11.780 the little hasbola because you know how they think that pigeons are like the american cia spies like

00:50:17.820 I think, like, have you ever seen a baby pigeon?

00:50:19.620 No, birds aren't real.

00:50:20.120 Birds aren't real. 0.85

00:50:20.900 I think Hezbollah is potentially KGB or a bird,

00:50:25.520 one or the other. 0.95

00:50:26.340 He's sneaky, man. 1.00

00:50:27.300 You know he can't have sex with chicks? 1.00

00:50:30.160 No, he can't even take pictures with chicks. 1.00

00:50:31.820 Yes, what the fuck? 1.00

00:50:33.260 Because he's a fucking spy, bro. 1.00

00:50:35.320 That's why. 1.00

00:50:35.600 No, no, no, no. 0.98

00:50:36.260 I think it's because he's Muslim. 0.99

00:50:37.700 A Muslim spy from Russia. 0.99

00:50:39.100 And listen to this, dude. 1.00

00:50:40.980 Have you ever seen who he rolls with besides the Nelk boys? 1.00

00:50:43.800 You'd think it's just normal fucking people, 1.00

00:50:46.320 you know, everyday people, 0.99

00:50:47.100 armed KGB

00:50:49.160 are you serious 0.64

00:50:50.000 saw him at the slap contest

00:50:51.720 I want to continue 0.99

00:50:52.500 to really dive into Russia

00:50:53.560 here for a second

00:50:54.240 please

00:50:54.600 I saw him at the slap contest

00:50:56.140 in Vegas 1.00

00:50:56.980 oh Hezbollah would be 1.00

00:50:57.840 great promos for the movie 1.00

00:50:58.980 fucking write that down 0.99

00:51:00.020 100% 1.00

00:51:00.680 write it down

00:51:01.280 write it down

00:51:01.940 she already's typing it

00:51:03.180 she's contacting KGB right now

00:51:04.880 call the Kremlin 1.00

00:51:05.720 I'll put him on a fucking 1.00

00:51:06.580 on a stoop 1.00

00:51:07.700 and let him kick me in the dick 1.00

00:51:08.780 oh you'd love that 1.00

00:51:10.060 have you met him

00:51:10.980 I think he runs around 0.97

00:51:11.480 and punches people in the face 0.87

00:51:12.420 he punched it pretty hard 0.62

00:51:13.640 like I mean for like

00:51:14.760 for like a joke thing

00:51:15.980 i saw him hit someone mike tyson yeah he was beating the fuck out of mike tyson i was like 0.55

00:51:20.320 i was like hey bro have you met him have you met him here's the thing that i really and i don't

00:51:25.460 mean this in a in a sick way we're friends with dwarves and i know that's going to sound like a

00:51:29.280 ridiculous statement but we do we befriended other people no but just the idea of just having them

00:51:34.840 in your crew like we have a really tight dwarf relationship so i don't mean it in any funny way 0.70

00:51:41.860 I'm just well let me finish the statement 0.92

00:51:43.900 don't fucking cancel me until I finish my statement 0.76

00:51:46.080 yeah right so I understand the 0.92

00:51:47.980 height the natural height of

00:51:50.100 that subset of

00:51:51.580 of our species

00:51:53.400 when I met

00:51:54.840 Hezbollah I had made the assumption that he

00:51:57.880 was going to be about dwarf height 0.88

00:51:59.200 this dude was the size of a prime 0.99

00:52:01.980 bottle I'm not fucking kidding 0.99

00:52:03.540 wait how tall is he 0.99

00:52:05.380 6 to 8 inches bro total

00:52:07.820 oh he's like waist height

00:52:08.680 I met him I don't know if either of y'all met him

00:52:11.600 i personally met him bro he's about three feet he's not six to eight inches is three feet he's

00:52:17.340 three feet's pretty big no he's not he's no he's like two six he looks like he looks like is he

00:52:22.740 up to your thigh yeah yeah thigh height how high is that it's not three feet no it's not it's not

00:52:29.240 bro because when i saw him he was sitting on a couch like this and i was behind him and everybody's

00:52:34.360 like yo hasbel is in that chair but to me it was just a chair like there was because there was no

00:52:38.100 head over the top of it oh you didn't so it was just to me i just thought it was just an empty

00:52:41.500 chair but if you went around the other side there he was sitting there looking watching people smack 0.99

00:52:45.980 the shit out of each other because he loves violence shit i wonder how often he gets in 0.99

00:52:49.500 the back of a taxi and they just forget he's in there all the time and he's just driving all the 1.00

00:52:53.500 fucking time just looking up the next patron calls yeah hey did someone forget their has 0.74

00:52:57.820 in the back of his taxi he's still back i met mini me yes that's i feel like that's similar 1.00

00:53:03.700 mini me i met it was great no he was a dick yeah he was a dick to me well he was probably super 0.93

00:53:09.160 famous no no yeah he was very famous and he was i asked him a question he said they said in his 0.99

00:53:14.820 in the profile interview they said he does his own stunts and i went whoa that's crazy you do 1.00

00:53:20.080 your own stunts and he goes how fucking stupid are you oh my and i was like i'm this is an interview 0.99

00:53:24.640 on television and i go i'm sorry and he goes who else are they gonna get to do my stunts a baby 1.00

00:53:29.160 And I was like oh shit 0.99

00:53:31.420 Yeah you have to do your own 1.00

00:53:33.520 No Tom Cruise does some asshole 1.00

00:53:35.300 What do you fucking think girl 1.00

00:53:37.040 I didn't even realize 1.00

00:53:39.260 And I was like sorry and then a dog got loose 0.98

00:53:41.700 And he fucking panicked 0.99

00:53:42.640 There was a dog on set and there was a bulldog 1.00

00:53:45.980 And it's like a fucking lion to him 1.00

00:53:47.600 It's like cocaine bear 1.00

00:53:48.680 You hear he's officiating a wedding

00:53:51.460 Not mini me's dead

00:53:52.780 No not mini me

00:53:53.860 I don't want to go to that wedding

00:53:56.120 There's just a box up front

00:53:58.460 Just a little shoebox

00:54:00.880 But equally weird

00:54:03.040 Vern Troyer

00:54:04.540 But equally weird bro

00:54:06.740 The dead 0.99

00:54:08.200 This is like peak 2023 shit 1.00

00:54:10.720 Florida man bath salts 0.99

00:54:11.980 The dead taxidermied cocaine bear

00:54:16.140 Is officiating a wedding bro

00:54:18.220 The actual bear

00:54:19.360 The actual carcass dude 0.99

00:54:20.820 They fucking hired the dead bear 0.98

00:54:23.480 Whose stock is obviously way up now 1.00

00:54:25.420 To officiate their wedding

00:54:28.460 that's cool which is fucking crazy dude if you think about it that is i've officiated a couple 0.79

00:54:33.100 weddings so is he have you uh one yeah it was it was cool yeah it's pretty cool yeah uh do you 0.81

00:54:39.340 collect dinosaur bones i don't think so just not sure i don't know i don't know

00:54:54.440 Well, you said your history, buff

00:54:56.840 Oh, no, I don't

00:54:57.600 I don't even know if they're real

00:55:00.720 That's what I want to ask

00:55:02.300 That's what I want to ask

00:55:03.220 I don't think they're real

00:55:04.940 No, come on, bro

00:55:05.740 I don't think they're real

00:55:06.580 Come on, don't say that to me

00:55:07.480 I didn't know there was stuff before Jesus

00:55:09.300 We were doing a tour

00:55:10.900 And I was saying to my daughters

00:55:12.160 They were talking about Julius Caesar

00:55:13.940 I go, he's a real person?

00:55:16.360 I thought he was a play by Shakespeare 0.99

00:55:17.780 And the lady goes, yeah, he's based off the fucking 0.98

00:55:20.540 That's the movie, the play's based off him 0.99

00:55:22.940 oh shut up and then my daughter isla goes wait hold on hold on i want to hear dad i want to hear 0.99

00:55:30.140 dad tell me how you think history went she knows you're ridiculous and i we're in front of a 0.99

00:55:35.400 history scholar who's giving us a tour of italy i go well i thought it went dinosaurs then jesus 0.85

00:55:40.740 then like jfk and shakespeare and isla's like oh shakespeare after shakespeare after

00:55:46.900 you skipped it and rearranged so what you don't think you really don't think there's no hold on

00:55:52.620 okay for real i don't so they don't find when they dig up a dinosaur they don't find a whole

00:55:57.860 dinosaur just sitting there going like this they find like the finger right and then they go okay

00:56:03.160 we'll just build the rest of it so the rest of it's not no not always not always no but i think

00:56:07.060 almost want to say 98 they just find like an ankle and then 3d print and then yeah 3d print

00:56:13.580 the rest of it and then no you think they find oh because he has a i have a triceratops but here's

00:56:18.520 the thing is it hang on is a there's absolutely no way it's a real choice it's not 66 percent real

00:56:23.300 yeah see see do you see what they found one tooth what do you mean it's two they built them they

00:56:27.400 built the tooth and then they built it out okay but then what's the theory where is the rest of

00:56:31.800 the dinosaur you don't believe it could have just no it disintegrated yeah yeah yeah okay yeah and

00:56:37.740 but the head's there so what's the thesis you're saying you're saying he doesn't think the rest of

00:56:42.780 the dinosaur ever existed like my dinosaur was a two-thirds they rolled no no they rolled around

00:56:52.380 when they find a dinosaur bone someone know anything is anyone smart in this room

00:56:56.060 that like where they find like a pink it's like if they if i found you right this is how okay i was

00:57:02.220 like uh 200 years from now i go i just discovered logan paul and they're like no way i go yep

00:57:09.040 is one of his shoes

00:57:11.480 and then I built out

00:57:13.560 a Logan Paul and you were in that shoe

00:57:15.200 and then everyone's like, that's what he looked like.

00:57:17.800 That's definitely what his shoe looked like, but then that's

00:57:19.600 pretty sure. But then you can look like anything.

00:57:21.640 We can make you look like Hezbollah and everyone's like, shut up. 0.99

00:57:23.680 He was tiny. Three feet tall. 0.97

00:57:25.540 Oh, no, no. He officiated weddings.

00:57:29.000 There's so much

00:57:30.240 research. How much did you pay for a dinosaur head?

00:57:34.020 Well, I collect dinosaur bones. Tom Segur would

00:57:35.700 never. Tom Segur would never.

00:57:37.480 You collect dinosaur bones?

00:57:39.040 well i guess now it's a skull dude it's a triceratops skull as big as you it's awesome

00:57:46.020 for real it's awesome where do you keep it it's my prized possession where do you keep living in

00:57:50.360 my home really yeah it's like a thousand pounds it's big man triceratops are great great animal

00:57:55.840 they call him the t-rex killer they had a joint wait i thought the triceratops was a t-rex 0.99

00:57:59.780 all right man you don't collect dude burt i don't collect oh shit that's i don't know shit about 0.99

00:58:04.820 dinosaurs nah okay but conspiracies in general i don't follow i don't get no illuminati like you 0.95

00:58:11.380 don't think he's ascended to a certain level of fame that he probably gets contacted by like john 0.90

00:58:15.240 legend and shit like that oh it's not to think about you don't think he's ever rubbed placenta 0.53

00:58:20.980 blood on his face before i've seen someone do it he's in the he's in the circle i've had a lot of 0.99

00:58:26.540 i've been with rogan he's injected me with a lot of stuff no they were just no that's that's 0.99

00:58:31.860 fucking oh the vegans no the vegans are above the illuminati the vegans you ever met a vegan 0.98

00:58:36.740 before i was vegan for like 45 minutes one day oh actually yeah yeah i tried i tried i really 1.00

00:58:41.600 tried and then i ate pasta and i didn't know there was egg and pasta yeah bro they do some 0.95

00:58:45.280 weird shit yeah vegans yeah like oh i don't trust you ritual no how could you no i don't how could 0.98

00:58:50.140 you know hitler was a vegan that makes was he really yeah he invented meth as well yeah he did 0.99

00:58:55.480 he didn't invent it he just loved it he loved he had like a party doctor you this is a big topic 0.56

00:59:00.760 and i want to dive into it we haven't spent much time diving today except for that cliff in zanzibar

00:59:05.720 that you didn't jump off of you are and it's going to be crazy to say it because it doesn't 0.97

00:59:11.740 seem like you are but you're fucking scared of dying oh i'm terrified you and i want to talk 0.93

00:59:15.560 about this because i i i have sometimes have this uncomfortable feeling about death dude like 0.99

00:59:20.440 like dude what the fuck happens bro where do okay do are you going to the clouds are you going are 0.99

00:59:28.660 you're going to be with the dinosaurs in a recreated simulation is your fucking great 1.00

00:59:33.760 grandfather there and he was a nazi like what is going to happen when you fucking die i uh i think 1.00

00:59:39.040 about that every single morning when i wake up every single first thought in your mind my first 1.00

00:59:42.420 thought was so you're telling me one day it just goes black yeah like louis ck says it goes black

00:59:47.360 and it you become nothing just like you were nothing before you're nothing again i had panic

00:59:54.060 today thinking uh not only so my great my grandfather was in world war ii on this side

01:00:01.600 he stormed the beaches in normandy oh and i and i was listening to a podcast about dunhill

01:00:05.800 this morning and i was like and i was like wow my grandfather at that time was in paris island

01:00:13.440 probably getting ready to come over and i went and wait i was just a sperm inside a sperm right

01:00:21.000 at that point like i wasn't even like a sperm sperm yeah and i have no and i'm cool with being

01:00:25.540 not there then but the idea that i would not be here then in the future panics me to no end

01:00:33.120 i don't you strike me as someone who does not care about death

01:00:37.860 it depends if i'm hungover okay because then you're kind of like begging for it yeah oh you

01:00:48.380 know i can so funny i'm the exact opposite if i'm not hung over i don't think about death

01:00:52.960 and if i'm hung over i think about that if i'm hung over take me out of my misery yeah i swear

01:00:58.280 to god well and you have anxiety some days i just like oh yeah yeah searing searing like like yeah 0.94

01:01:04.640 especially if i eat an edible too i'm like fucking oh yeah that could send you can you do you do an 0.81

01:01:09.980 edible on the plane we do no and on planes we do them on the bus i'll do it like we'll party and 0.97

01:01:14.900 i'll take one right before i go to bed but i have a hard time like rebounding yeah getting out the

01:01:19.620 next morning i'm just like this like yeah edibles give nasty like dreary almost hangovers yeah and

01:01:26.000 the anxiety i get from them is not it's not enjoyable so i don't like i i don't why why are 0.99

01:01:30.920 you doing i don't know yeah do you ever you ever put a hot sauce on something and go fuck i'm gonna 0.90

01:01:35.720 regret this later yeah yeah all the time that's all that's drugs that's called drugs yeah drinking 0.99

01:01:40.940 Every day you wake up, never again

01:01:43.040 And then like two hours later

01:01:44.800 I said that this morning, I said, you know what

01:01:46.720 I have a 4am pickup for my flight tomorrow

01:01:48.780 I'm not going to drink tonight, I'm going to work out

01:01:51.100 I'm going to do this podcast, we're going to have fun 0.99

01:01:52.560 And I'm going to fucking hang out with my family 0.97

01:01:54.320 And then I found out we have a party to go to 0.99

01:01:55.740 I'm going to it

01:01:56.480 What are you wearing?

01:01:58.120 At the edition, I'm probably going to wear these slippers

01:02:00.700 Is it for your movie?

01:02:02.900 No, it's for a roast

01:02:04.460 Oh! Whitney Cummings is there 0.95

01:02:06.440 I'm going to shoot my shot tonight

01:02:08.320 You're going for Whitney Cummings? 0.99

01:02:09.940 yeah she is she i heard she's tough dude she's awesome man all right that's it that's like i

01:02:15.360 feel like she's gonna fillet you i feel i think she could turn you into the man you want to be 1.00

01:02:19.020 she's gonna actually yeah because you imagine that she is a fucking power woman she is she's 1.00

01:02:24.880 the one she you know she is she's eleanor roosevelt right fdr was nothing right i don't 1.00

01:02:29.740 think you could barely walk right but that woman drove carried them drove them around on her back 1.00

01:02:34.340 on her fucking back i feel like by the way that's what lesbians used to look like yeah 1.00

01:02:38.560 not the most attractive woman i don't know right right dude you and whitney come well yeah she's 0.99

01:02:44.940 hot dude i feel i have this weird attraction to her man i don't know why it's not a weird

01:02:48.940 attraction she's gorgeous are there a lot of comics that are into her like is she like is

01:02:52.400 she like a no like don't a no go zone for comics no she's just she's just so powerful is the wrong 0.99

01:02:59.440 word but she's just such a a powerhouse that i think she intimidates i was gonna say i i that's

01:03:05.260 I feel like she's gonna fillet him

01:03:06.860 She feels to me like out of Mike's league 1.00

01:03:09.180 I've dealt with some pretty powerful women 1.00

01:03:10.980 I'm not heavily intimidated by anyone 0.95

01:03:13.160 I don't know Mikey 1.00

01:03:14.100 You know what the issue with the powerful woman you've dealt with 1.00

01:03:17.320 Is they're kind of just dumb as fuck 1.00

01:03:18.920 Some of them are dumb 1.00

01:03:19.780 I'm not dumb either 0.99

01:03:22.960 No I know that's why it'll be interesting

01:03:24.240 I'm not counting you out

01:03:26.300 This one seems like

01:03:28.040 I feel like I wanna

01:03:30.260 I wanna see it tonight

01:03:32.080 I'm definitely drinking now

01:03:33.360 i'm definitely bringing him to sit in the sidelines what's the what's the what's the

01:03:36.660 approach do you think that i can like do you think i can use sorcery like whitney whitney is a hit 0.68

01:03:42.060 you in the forehead with a hammer type person yeah i talked to you this way this is how i talk to you 0.75

01:03:46.120 i mean with gangster move whitney uh hangs out with me and my wife my wife's turning 50 and 0.99

01:03:53.280 whitney calls up a fucking longevity doctor and gets my wife sent a bunch of peptides so she can 0.94

01:04:00.560 look younger just doesn't even ask my wife oh that's just sends them over and she goes there 1.00

01:04:03.920 you go you're welcome it's what we all use she's a yeah she's a gangster but a gifter too oh hardcore

01:04:09.060 gifter big hardcore gifter do you so what do you so so as an approach do you roll in there with a 1.00

01:04:14.900 do i bring her a gift tonight bring her gift oh like uh no no no no no no no bring her gift

01:04:20.360 whitney's a gift person she has never once come not come to her house without a gift okay she

01:04:24.300 sent georgia a gift to college my oldest in college sent her a gift to her college sends

01:04:29.320 my youngest a gift always has a gift Whitney is a gift giving mother but don't they say like

01:04:34.760 opposites attract like shouldn't I do opposite of what she would do you know what I'm saying 0.98

01:04:38.700 like opposites attract like should I bring her a uh something she's not gonna like as opposed 0.99

01:04:43.180 like a parking ticket or something like that you know what you know what I'm saying like ruin her

01:04:46.620 night something with a horse if you just if you saw if because if you said hey I knew I was coming

01:04:51.920 this thing today we were with Bert he told me you like horses I just walked past this I hope you

01:04:56.120 Enjoy it

01:04:56.580 It's a horse

01:04:57.180 Say exactly that

01:04:58.520 This episode won't come out

01:04:59.360 For a while

01:04:59.760 And she won't know

01:05:00.560 It's been planted by Bert

01:05:01.440 So you want me to bring her

01:05:02.760 Wait sorry 1.00

01:05:03.560 You want me to bring her a horse 1.00

01:05:04.680 Yeah 1.00

01:05:05.080 Like a miniature

01:05:06.380 Oh a miniature

01:05:07.100 Yeah not a real horse

01:05:08.080 Not a real horse

01:05:08.580 And say it like casually

01:05:10.020 I was with Bert today

01:05:10.880 I don't know

01:05:11.740 He said he liked horses

01:05:12.420 Mentioned you liked horses

01:05:13.300 So I got you

01:05:14.020 This is a thoroughbred

01:05:15.040 You know statuette

01:05:16.660 Yeah that'll check you out

01:05:17.840 And then cuts you

01:05:19.160 Four weeks from now

01:05:19.940 They're laying in bed 0.97

01:05:20.680 And Whitney goes

01:05:21.140 Oh I didn't know Bert

01:05:22.200 Was on the podcast

01:05:22.880 And you're like

01:05:23.380 Okay so

01:05:26.020 they're roasting you tonight no they already roasted me they're just doing the they're

01:05:28.980 screening oh how was it did it hurt your feelings a little bit uh i got blackout drunk i don't

01:05:33.220 remember it yeah that's probably better i don't remember it at all at all i am visibly wasted i

01:05:39.140 just giggled the entire time and the most terrifying part is i spoke at the end and i go

01:05:44.720 i don't know what i said i have no recollection of speaking into a microphone for this only fans

01:05:50.420 roast that is um impressive Kesha was there yeah I'm a big Kesha fan who's not right is that like

01:05:59.020 your Whitney Cummings kind of no I've got oh you got that wife though yeah I got a wife I love my

01:06:04.020 wife my wife I told these guys the other day I'll tell you this story because I probably will never 0.99

01:06:08.060 be able to tell it on stage this is what a gangster my wife is the other night we're about to have sex 1.00

01:06:13.760 and i shit on my pillow yep and she cleaned it got rid of it and we still had sex she's a she's a 1.00

01:06:21.240 she's a ride or die she's a ride or die hold on i shit on my pillow you gotta why did you do that 1.00

01:06:28.040 i didn't i didn't do it on purpose yo mike's mike's okay i'm sorry this this flew under the 0.99

01:06:33.400 radar mike's agreeance to that set without skipping a beat he goes what did you say right

01:06:40.460 It's a ride or die

01:06:43.860 It's a ride or die 1.00

01:06:44.960 Imagine if you took a girl home

01:06:46.200 You sat on your pillow to tell her a story 1.00

01:06:48.360 You shit on that pillow 1.00

01:06:49.420 I was sitting on the pillow to tell her a story 1.00

01:06:52.240 She was sitting on the bed

01:06:54.060 And I scooted up on my pillow

01:06:55.180 I had James Purse track pants on

01:06:58.680 And they're very thin, no underwear

01:07:00.260 And I thought it was a fart 0.96

01:07:02.060 I shit through the pants 0.99

01:07:03.100 Shit through the pants, onto the pillow 1.00

01:07:06.080 Through the pillowcase 1.00

01:07:07.840 Onto the pillow pillow 1.00

01:07:08.940 my wife i got up i got up i was like oh i shit my pants i got up to the bathroom she goes you 0.99

01:07:13.840 shit on the pillow and i was like oh for real she goes these are new pillows and i was like okay 0.98

01:07:18.800 and then my wife took took it off put it over in the bathroom i changed my pants i came back 0.98

01:07:24.420 still banged it out she's a real gangster bro people don't realize that that the importance 1.00

01:07:29.220 of having a woman who will deal with shit bro if you have a kid and your wife is scared of shit 1.00

01:07:34.260 Your kid is going to prison 1.00

01:07:36.820 You know what I'm saying

01:07:37.940 Your kid is not going to make it dude 1.00

01:07:39.480 You got to have a mom that's not scared of shit bro 1.00

01:07:41.420 I remember Rogan telling me a subtle story 0.99

01:07:43.840 About him and his wife where I went

01:07:44.820 That's love

01:07:45.420 He said that his wife had a green juice

01:07:48.060 And she was driving home

01:07:49.260 She didn't feel very well

01:07:50.240 And she threw up all over the inside of their car

01:07:52.760 And I said oh my god what did you do 0.98

01:07:54.240 And he goes I cleaned it

01:07:55.400 I went that's a man

01:07:57.000 I would have told my wife 0.95

01:07:59.920 You need to clean this

01:08:00.900 I don't want to make any judgments about your wife 0.99

01:08:03.460 but in my brief provided by my producer dylan it does say wife leanne yeah hillbilly woman 1.00

01:08:11.300 who manages his life put that on a fucking shirt my wife is a redneck no way redneck where's she 1.00

01:08:20.980 from discipline your dog with a shovel kind of redneck like those kind like spit on a light 1.00

01:08:25.760 bulb to watch it bubble for fun redneck redneck like on our marriage certificate i don't know

01:08:32.000 if this is in my special or not this is a true story we got married in our hometown third question

01:08:37.220 are you blood relatives to which you answered yes i know i said i said what do i put for three

01:08:43.960 and the lady looks at it goes well is you go ahead i don't think we is what didn't put down

01:08:50.260 the chain i go i'm definitely not right name because that means we is yeah where's she from

01:08:53.980 uh small town called bowden georgia oh georgia got some on the georgia got some necks dude that 0.96

01:09:01.880 That's like Theo Vaughn level shit, bro 0.99

01:09:03.740 It's way worse 1.00

01:09:04.980 It's way worse 1.00

01:09:06.040 My wife's 1.00

01:09:08.340 There was a phrase that they used 1.00

01:09:12.180 When they dated

01:09:13.840 Because there were people

01:09:15.100 I remember she had two cousins that were dating

01:09:16.900 And I go, how can that happen?

01:09:19.140 Was it kissing cousins?

01:09:19.840 And they said, no, they can, but they ain't blood

01:09:22.640 They can, but they ain't blood

01:09:26.100 They can, but they ain't blood

01:09:28.060 Like it's not sister brothers 1.00

01:09:29.180 They can fucking have kids 0.99

01:09:30.740 I mean, that's how it's going to happen. 0.99

01:09:32.900 There's not much of a pool down here. 1.00

01:09:34.600 Your wife ever sink a boat? 1.00

01:09:38.120 No. 1.00

01:09:38.700 You ever sink a boat?

01:09:39.840 No, I try to. 0.98

01:09:48.140 I fucking love your questions. 0.94

01:09:51.780 I want to do it for Travel Channel 0.98

01:09:53.140 because they do these boat sinking.

01:09:54.560 That seems like something you've got to do.

01:09:56.140 Yeah, I would love to,

01:09:57.020 but I want to do it with scuba gear

01:09:58.260 and I want to watch it sink

01:09:59.340 and I want to go down with it.

01:10:00.180 that's awesome yeah you should do that i'm telling you man i was i'm i was born i was born 30 years

01:10:06.900 to 20 years too late because my energy is your energy your age like what the things i enjoy 0.54

01:10:13.280 watching online i would love to be doing but i'm fucking old man i'm just gonna do movies what what 0.89

01:10:18.280 do you mean by that like i love i wish i could have been in like when you guys were in the gold 0.91

01:10:22.880 strike of of the internet and making content and like and you guys had all the you knew how to do

01:10:28.180 all the stuff and figured out how to do all the stuff you were born 20 years too early you mean

01:10:31.780 yeah yeah when you said 20 years too late i thought you meant like you wanted to be yeah

01:10:35.560 you wanted to be at you wanted to be at dunkirk yeah yeah no you wanted to be a dunkirk like

01:10:42.240 i told a story one time you ever fuck up one word it ruins the story yeah i got into a fight

01:10:50.860 with a guy at a starbucks on uh on on on wilshire and western wilshire in uh detroit street you know 0.92

01:11:00.140 that starbucks i got on a fight with a guy in a teal bmw and i thought it was louis ck initially

01:11:06.960 because i thought i know louis i thought it was louis so i talked to him but then i realized it

01:11:10.500 wasn't louis but when i and but i almost fought him and and i told my wife thank god i didn't

01:11:14.480 was it was it because of the teal no no because that that would piss me off that's a color that

01:11:19.460 But when I told the story to my wife

01:11:22.700 I didn't say Louis CK

01:11:23.740 I said Louis Anderson

01:11:24.700 And so my wife's hearing this story 1.00

01:11:27.040 Like I'm going to beat this dude's ass 0.99

01:11:28.340 He looked like Louis Anderson 1.00

01:11:29.140 She was like why would you mess with that guy 1.00

01:11:30.880 I go fuck him he was in a TLBMW 1.00

01:11:33.260 He wanted to talk shit 1.00

01:11:34.660 You'll see what 1.00

01:11:36.040 Man you realize how bad I would have gotten beaten up

01:11:37.940 Not being able to throw a punch

01:11:39.120 I think being able to throw a punch

01:11:42.560 Is a thing any man should be able to do

01:11:44.460 I had my thumbs in

01:11:45.880 Oh no come on

01:11:47.180 dude i didn't i knew so little about fighting because i'm the guy in college that got punched

01:11:51.860 like i'd say the thing and then there would be just some guy that like to lick windows and 0.99

01:11:56.720 breathe out of his mouth just go fuck this guy fuck this guy and then i could take a punch but 0.99

01:12:01.860 uh but uh never like i've only punched maybe a couple people in life how often do you have 1.00

01:12:09.780 shit that can permeate your pants within seconds like i still i still have been stuck on the fact 0.99

01:12:15.160 that you were able to quickly shart a permeating poop 1.00

01:12:17.940 that went through pants, pillowcase, and on the pillow.

01:12:21.600 60% of my feces are liquid.

01:12:23.940 What's your diet look like?

01:12:25.600 Whatever is in front of me.

01:12:26.680 You're on like the Bill Cosby diet, just straight pudding?

01:12:28.800 Yeah, no, I do.

01:12:30.340 I try to eat healthy, but then the wheels come off

01:12:32.660 at the end of the night. 1.00

01:12:33.180 Once you're guilty, go to fuck food. 1.00

01:12:35.840 Oh, I mean, I can't say no to pizza. 1.00

01:12:38.420 I can't say no to pizza.

01:12:39.360 But where do you eat your pizza?

01:12:42.700 Buckingham.

01:12:43.060 Because California got no pizza.

01:12:44.400 you've had good east coast

01:12:45.640 Domino's Brooklyn Crust 0.99

01:12:48.140 is fucking amazing 0.99

01:12:49.360 Domino's Brooklyn Crust 0.99

01:12:50.840 I remember the day I saw that

01:12:52.660 I remember the day I saw

01:12:53.660 Domino's Brooklyn Crust

01:12:54.520 it was during the pandemic

01:12:55.620 I was with my daughter Isla

01:12:56.540 it was 11 o'clock at night

01:12:58.040 and it came on as a commercial

01:12:59.400 the new Brooklyn Crust

01:13:00.600 from Domino's 0.99

01:13:01.320 and I looked at Isla 1.00

01:13:02.140 I go we should get one

01:13:03.080 and she goes

01:13:03.440 can we get one tonight

01:13:04.440 and I was like let's get two

01:13:05.300 and we got two Brooklyn Crust

01:13:07.220 and to this day

01:13:08.020 that's my go to 0.60

01:13:08.740 you make me sick 1.00

01:13:09.420 your daughter is 1.00

01:13:10.100 she enables you

01:13:11.280 we have impulse control problems

01:13:13.260 how old is she? 0.90

01:13:14.400 uh i don't know just just 60 60 60 your daughter's older than you know she she during the pandemic i

01:13:23.360 was telling someone this the other day during the pandemic this is how bad her impulse control would

01:13:27.480 be she would see if i was drinking red wine she'd sit on my arm of my recliner grab my phone get on 0.98

01:13:32.400 amazon and go how much you think a refrigerator costs i go like a big one she goes no mini fridge

01:13:37.940 i'd be like i don't know you're 150 bucks she goes if i told you they were 87 how many would you buy

01:13:43.620 i'd be like four she goes done son click we bought four mini fridges during the pandemic 1.00

01:13:49.220 to put in our fucking bedrooms what do you mean why what kind of fucking dude it was fucking 0.98

01:13:54.420 awesome everyone had their own mini fridge people were doing weird stuff during the pandemic oh my 0.99

01:13:58.600 god we got weird we got weird we got really weird we put a swimming pool in his garage

01:14:02.260 wait you guys were out you guys were at your a ranch during the pandemic right up for a portion

01:14:07.740 of it but we had a house where all of us lived like seven of us boys and i was vlogging at the

01:14:13.620 time yeah and so just to pass the time we would just do some weird stuff i don't i forget all

01:14:18.620 the stuff i can't i can't remember things that well that's that's what i'm finding because

01:14:23.380 like you i i've done a lot of stuff but i i can't i can't recall you've done too many stuffs

01:14:28.700 too many stuffs like when when someone says something and then you're like oh yeah i did

01:14:33.080 that too and they're like huh like someone was talking to rogan about that it was like this

01:14:38.860 amazing story i i spent a day two days in the world's largest cave yeah and i went oh yeah i've

01:14:46.320 been there yeah like that and then he was like what i was like yeah i mean it's nice but it takes

01:14:50.400 the wind out of their sails yeah yeah but you're like yeah i've done that i've swam with great

01:14:53.220 white sharks out of the cage i've swam with sharks a ton swam yeah but you remember the stories that's

01:14:58.500 the problem like we like dude for me it's just a blur like i know that i know i drove off a cliff

01:15:03.800 into a river i tell you why i know that but i if you had asked me like my craziest drug story i

01:15:09.240 probably i would be like i don't know those are hard to remember like i drove off a cliff bro i

01:15:12.760 went through two telephone poles into a river sober no i was asleep on xanax i'd smoke crack

01:15:18.140 all day dude and then i did xanax to come down and i fell asleep how does that does xanax help

01:15:22.420 on crack yeah because it just it's hot like you know when you have to come down at the end of a

01:15:26.840 long coke-fueled night and you have that anxiety going no no i've never done it i've never i mean

01:15:30.840 whenever i do coke i punish myself i go no no you asked for this yeah oh and you just stay awake and

01:15:36.620 like shiver and pull the blanket over your head big ideas you want to have big ideas you want to 1.00

01:15:41.120 have big ideas you probably get crazy coke shit because you have bad shitting problem anyways 1.00

01:15:45.480 and i've oh oh i i don't you're the guy i've never done coke and not taking a shit immediately 0.99

01:15:50.380 immediately but but do you know that's from the cutting agents it's not from the like good like 0.98

01:15:55.180 If you went to Colombia and met up with, like, fucking Pablo, dude, 1.00

01:15:58.180 like, you wouldn't have to shit. 1.00

01:15:59.200 You know that, right? 0.99

01:15:59.960 It's because they caught it with laxatives.

01:16:01.820 That's okay.

01:16:02.300 So say we're in Colombia and we meet up with, like.

01:16:05.120 Like we're in Cartagena.

01:16:06.920 You know what I'm saying? 0.69

01:16:07.520 And they bring out coke.

01:16:08.600 Yeah.

01:16:09.020 Do you say no or do you say yes?

01:16:10.300 I don't.

01:16:10.780 I can't do coke.

01:16:11.720 Why not?

01:16:11.980 No, but in that scenario.

01:16:13.060 In that scenario.

01:16:13.660 I won't.

01:16:14.160 I won't ever do coke.

01:16:14.520 Okay, okay.

01:16:14.980 They come out and they're like, you're going to do it?

01:16:16.240 I will never do it.

01:16:16.780 Don't do it.

01:16:17.120 Don't do it.

01:16:17.380 Don't do it.

01:16:17.980 Don't do it.

01:16:25.180 feel that i actually kind of have that's important my brain really freaks me the fuck out it's the 0.97

01:16:29.880 worst drug anyways it's the worst the worst fucking drug the next day is the worst feeling 0.99

01:16:34.480 i've ever had in my entire life well uh ecstasy actually the next day after ecstasy because you 0.99

01:16:40.580 you drop you fire off every serotonin dopamine everything that your brain has is fired off the

01:16:46.120 night before but i i just i really do think coke is is terrible i think it's the worst thing ever

01:16:51.760 The last time I did Molly was I got drugged.

01:16:54.760 My buddy slipped it in my drink.

01:16:57.380 That's a felony, brother.

01:17:00.740 That's a assault.

01:17:01.760 We were doing a podcast, and I have the podcast.

01:17:04.360 Oh, he did it on air?

01:17:05.980 Yeah, yeah, he did it on air.

01:17:06.880 Oh, he's bold.

01:17:07.860 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:17:08.920 When did you start realizing, I'm feeling good?

01:17:12.520 An hour in, I said, I feel weird.

01:17:16.320 And he goes, do you?

01:17:17.860 And I said, yeah, do you feel weird?

01:17:19.800 And he goes, yeah.

01:17:20.380 Is your face hot?

01:17:20.980 And I went, yeah, it's a little hot.

01:17:22.380 And he goes, you feeling good?

01:17:23.300 And I said, yeah.

01:17:24.220 And he goes, okay, I'm going to tell you something.

01:17:25.980 And you can't get angry.

01:17:27.660 You're on Mali.

01:17:29.480 And I went, wait, what?

01:17:30.880 And he goes, you're on Mali.

01:17:31.840 We're both on Mali.

01:17:32.480 I put in our drinks.

01:17:34.020 We're going to have a great night, great night.

01:17:35.960 And I started panicking.

01:17:37.080 I go, I'm on blood pressure medicine.

01:17:39.300 Did you call my cardiologist?

01:17:40.840 Like, this isn't cool.

01:17:42.280 So I called a guy, Joey Diaz.

01:17:45.040 You know Joey Diaz?

01:17:45.620 Of course.

01:17:46.340 So I called Joey Diaz.

01:17:47.100 He used to live right around the corner from me.

01:17:48.380 i said hey already put molly in my drink and i'm freaking out this is within minutes

01:17:54.360 joey diaz says i'll be there at five dog walks in takes the rest of the molly

01:18:01.220 he goes we're all going down together what a gangster

01:18:05.080 and then proceeds to sit with the sun showering over his shoulders

01:18:11.020 smoking a joint and telling me drug stories of where it went wrong but it would they everyone 0.89

01:18:19.680 landed safe it was gonna we thought it was gonna be bad we got a gun in this guy's rib cage you

01:18:24.340 put him in the trunk it turned out okay does anybody does anybody have crazier stories than

01:18:29.820 him he's number one joey diaz joey diaz when when the whole me too movement was happening

01:18:34.180 joey calls me up and he goes dog i'm i'm afraid and i said joey you're not a sex guy and he goes 0.99

01:18:39.520 that's not it they're getting they're getting popped for jerking off in front of chicks 0.99

01:18:44.220 i kidnapped a man i kidnapped a fucking human being i spent time in prison he goes when are 1.00

01:18:50.760 they going to start getting in trouble for those i'm a fucking felon cocksucker i go joey i think 1.00

01:18:56.160 you did your time i think you're good he goes i don't know dude joey diaz is the greatest human 0.99

01:19:00.880 being in the world he's my favorite guy i love him like a brother my daughters only know him

01:19:07.140 as uncle joey they never saw him do stand-up he was just a guy in our house for every event

01:19:11.620 and so they only know him as uncle joey and then they saw him do stand-up on fully loaded he was 0.98

01:19:16.840 on last year he was on fully loaded and my daughters are like what the fuck this is this 0.97

01:19:23.180 guy's life and i'm like oh that's joey yeah you ever you ever break into a chick's house on a 1.00

01:19:27.820 quaalude and eat a pussy lucy snorebush motherfuckers he is the greatest he is the 1.00

01:19:32.780 greatest i love you gotta have him on you guys you guys circle you need circle we got i got 1.00

01:19:37.420 really lucky i had a bad a bad run in with the dude and i didn't want any friends uh and i was

01:19:41.620 like i'm good you know i'm sure you've had times where you just go i'm closing the walls i got my

01:19:46.560 family i got you know whatever my sisters live out here we're good and i've said this before but uh

01:19:53.180 rogan called me i was at home with my wife we were about to watch game of thrones i was on the

01:19:58.140 treadmill and i opened a box of wine i used to drink a box of wine on the treadmill and uh rogan

01:20:02.520 called and he goes what are you doing and i said i'm just hanging out and he goes come to the ice 0.92

01:20:06.420 house and i was like um i think i'm into the night he goes come to the fucking ice house i go i think 0.97

01:20:11.080 i'm gonna just chill and he was like come to the fucking ice house i go joe i'm hanging out then 0.98

01:20:15.080 tom calls he goes hey man it's not it's not a conversation come stop what you're doing come 0.97

01:20:18.940 to the ice house we're all out here so i got to the ice house we used to do this podcast in the

01:20:23.140 at the ice house uh called uh ice death squad chronicles or whatever we do some of the podcast

01:20:29.740 I'm getting ready to go on stage, and Rogan comes up with two shots of Jack Daniels and two beers.

01:20:35.400 And he goes, hey, man, we're trying really hard to be your friend, but you're not letting us.

01:20:41.060 And he's like, we like you, and you're a good guy, and we're not going to hurt you.

01:20:45.260 Like, we won't let you down.

01:20:47.120 We'll always be here for you, but you've got to let us be your friend,

01:20:50.640 and you've got to trust that we won't hurt you.

01:20:52.880 He goes, because you're a good guy.

01:20:55.200 And I was like, okay.

01:20:56.720 And he goes, can you let us try to be your friend?

01:20:58.700 and i went yeah and so we did a shot and i was like all right i'm gonna let it happen because i

01:21:04.440 don't i just never i like anytime a guy like i said this this is horrible to say but when joe 0.50

01:21:09.560 wanted to be friends with me i was like he must be gay like like why would you want to be friends

01:21:13.540 with another man that didn't make sense to me really yeah it was like because i was like you 0.99

01:21:17.580 either using him or you want to fuck him why would you want to like elliot gould wanted to go to lunch 0.99

01:21:21.300 with me one day and i was like oh he must want to fuck me why would you want to hang out with me 1.00

01:21:25.800 and and then joe never has tried to kiss me once 0.98

01:21:28.940 how sweet he's just a great guy he's been my he's been one of my closest friends now for

01:21:35.440 for i don't know how long for 15 years and he's the best i love him i have a great group of friends

01:21:40.720 tommy even ari who drugged me one of my still one of my closest friends uh you know we got a great

01:21:46.080 group but uh now we're all fucking separated everyone lives everywhere else but yeah that's

01:21:50.780 where i feel like it probably gets hard but i i love that joe did that i think your friends need 0.57

01:21:55.420 to reel you in sometimes and have those tough conversations yeah that's that's awesome especially

01:21:59.560 like you know because uh like i have i have a hard time with uh celebrities i just i literally just

01:22:06.640 had this conversation with tom today because uh brad pitt reached out to be friends with tom

01:22:11.560 and i was like and then i and like and when things start happening then all of a sudden

01:22:15.440 celebrities will reach out wait sorry he reached out to be friends with him is that what you said

01:22:18.960 yeah wait where does all this happen in my life no because you because the story you just told

01:22:24.100 before that about how joe came up to you he was like we want to be your friend but when you start

01:22:27.700 i've never no one's ever come up to us and been like yo hey we called this meeting today because

01:22:32.100 everyone wants to be friends no you're whitney you're whitney cummings you're you guys are a

01:22:35.620 little bit of a wall there's a lot of guys i'm sure would like to be your friend but don't are

01:22:40.860 like they've got their team they've got their crew they're a little protective but they wouldn't do

01:22:45.160 it like that they would be like yo we got a table tonight with some girls come hang out they wouldn't

01:22:49.460 say to us like hey man like we've been thinking a lot and we've decided as a collective we

01:22:53.900 really want to be your friend but that's we won't let you down comics are sensitive dudes all of us

01:22:58.800 we're sensitive dudes and we're hyper sensitive to other people's emotions got it like like i'm

01:23:03.920 always aware i'm always aware like like if you do a podcast you you probably don't maybe you don't

01:23:10.080 care how you perform or if the other guys are liking you but as a comic i'm hyper aware to make

01:23:14.540 sure that that i'm telling you stories that you'll like or like i want to take care of you is that

01:23:19.240 no no we do no we do that we're firm believers yeah if you don't have rapport with your guests

01:23:23.320 and the other co-hosts on the show you have a failure at hand yeah you know what i'm saying

01:23:26.660 so we i get that yeah but i just that clubhouse mentality is not something that i don't think it

01:23:32.000 exists in this generation i don't think it's just hollywood i don't i don't think they're like

01:23:36.360 like remember when you used to have to call your friend's house and talk to the mom hey mrs peters 0.65

01:23:41.940 like yeah i think johnny can come play today like that shit doesn't happen anymore now they're just 1.00

01:23:45.640 like dude like you see that fucking tick tock of that girl fucking you know beating up that dog 1.00

01:23:50.560 that shit was crazy dude like just random just it's like a garbage generation oh no one's called 1.00

01:23:56.020 no one calls me i've never been mr kreischer yeah like hey mr kreischer what do they call you burt 0.99

01:24:01.360 uh burt or burt they call me birdie gaga for a while your daughter's friends call you birdie

01:24:05.700 gaga my daughter's friends were the first ones to call me birdie gaga and then they'll call me 0.56

01:24:10.600 burt or uh bertrude or uh oh they trans like transgender they trans me yeah that's crazy

01:24:18.880 they turned you no they they don't they don't call me no one calls me do they even call you at 0.91

01:24:22.960 all is what i'm saying or are they just like yo like i'll dm you after school meet me at the 0.97

01:24:26.840 fucking playground around like they're not asking permission kids no no no one has permission to do 0.99

01:24:31.280 shit and if you tell them like no you can't go they'll be like yo don't fucking helicopter dad 1.00

01:24:35.380 me yeah i'm gonna make a tick tock hardcore helicopter dad too are you actually oh 1.00

01:24:39.020 motherfucker yes you're a fuck are you kidding me black hawk dude because i because i got good 1.00

01:24:45.060 instincts they're like when georgia first smoked weed i knew it how old was she is 15 that's a good 1.00

01:24:51.280 i was just snoop and i found out did she smoke with snoop no no you know what snoop said to me

01:24:56.120 he goes uh i was bothered by it and he's like what's wrong i said i don't know i go my daughter

01:25:02.080 smoked weed and he was like okay how old is she i was like 15 he goes oh that's not bad i said well

01:25:08.440 he goes how old were you when you smoked weed burton i was like 14 and snoop goes can i give 1.00

01:25:13.780 you some advice from one father to another i said please he goes don't be a bitch 0.99

01:25:18.380 because you did it younger than she did what did you he goes did you think that she wasn't 0.99

01:25:24.480 gonna smoke weed and i was like kind of and he was like but you did it i went yeah and he goes

01:25:29.100 and you're her father i was like yeah and then yes but snoop's snoop's snoop checks on her every

01:25:35.140 now and then he's like how's my what is it how's my niece doing smoking yeah is she is she still

01:25:42.420 smoke or do you have to monitor your she's at college i don't know i think i hope she's smoking

01:25:46.000 and not drinking i'd rather them smoke weed than drink personally i really i don't want her vaping 0.99

01:25:50.600 that's my thing vaping's bad i'd rather her smoke a fucking cigarette really yeah like because then 0.99

01:25:56.880 you know it's gross vaping is like they don't know it's gross they think it's cool everything 1.00

01:26:01.980 smells like captain crunch oh yo do you try the new orange skittles flavor like dude it's fuck you 0.99

01:26:07.260 know it's they're banning it california just banned off all flavored anything for real so 0.98

01:26:13.080 california just banned flavored anything yeah so anything with flavors you guys zin what zin no

01:26:18.840 oh you guys seem like you're doing them in or something oh no it's like everyone's zins

01:26:22.900 what oh sins oh the thing oh dips yeah it's a pouch dips no no it's this thing called zin 0.96

01:26:29.860 every dude every bro i know zins i never met a zin bro in my life oh my god that's all 0.74

01:26:35.780 where are these bros these are the same in the nfl oh yeah it's a lot of it was it was at the 1.00

01:26:39.640 at the super bowl they were everyone was like yo you got a zen you got a four milligram oh six

01:26:45.260 milligram fucking nice what and what is it just a it's a pouch it goes into your lip and you just 0.98

01:26:49.420 fucking but the way you've described it every time had no meaning like you're the way you're 0.99

01:26:53.560 talking about it could be just like oh it's it's a nicotine delivery system it's not tobacco 1.00

01:26:58.920 it's nicotine it's just a way to fuck with that shit i was somewhere where this was offered to me 0.99

01:27:04.960 frequently uh maybe like in europe does that sound yeah well that's where they created it 0.99

01:27:09.860 created it in switzerland or sweden that's what who initially started doing i was gonna say i

01:27:15.800 think i was i think i was that's what it is yep yep i was in sweden and every every kid my age

01:27:21.100 was doing chicks do it yeah everyone does yeah everyone was doing it don't even get addicted 0.98

01:27:24.660 to nicotine nicotine's so hard to fucking kick yeah that's the that's the mother my mom got 0.98

01:27:28.840 off it you know how oh hypnotism one session imagine dude and then all of a sudden you don't 0.97

01:27:37.720 smuggle you just don't smoke cigarettes anymore how weird is that you could just go visit this

01:27:42.520 dude he can put you into a trance and the next day you're just something else how you walk out

01:27:48.500 wiping your mouth would come off your mouth yeah it was interesting i don't want to smoke anymore 0.99

01:27:52.560 but I think I sucked 1.00

01:27:53.160 that guy's dick 1.00

01:27:53.760 that's how they got 1.00

01:27:55.680 my mom bro

01:27:56.620 that's crazy dude 0.52

01:27:58.400 that's no Robin

01:28:00.360 if you really could

01:28:02.080 hypnotize people

01:28:02.900 what are you doing

01:28:03.760 getting them to quit smoking 1.00

01:28:04.800 fucking monetize this shit 1.00

01:28:08.060 monetize yeah 1.00

01:28:08.500 walk into a bank

01:28:09.320 I think I'll take

01:28:10.220 all the money 0.98

01:28:11.040 no but she smoked 1.00

01:28:12.780 for fucking 20 years bro 1.00

01:28:14.280 I used to wake up 1.00

01:28:14.880 every morning

01:28:15.260 I'd come downstairs

01:28:15.760 and I'd be smoking a Marlboro

01:28:17.120 can't believe

01:28:17.700 can't believe Robin

01:28:18.460 smoked like that

01:28:18.740 and drinking coffee

01:28:19.660 that's the most

01:28:20.360 east coast thing

01:28:21.220 yeah we were

01:28:21.880 You can call it Connecticut.

01:28:23.140 Connecticut?

01:28:23.600 Yeah, it counts.

01:28:25.100 But Joe hates Connecticut.

01:28:27.940 You know about that, right?

01:28:29.200 Yeah, I do.

01:28:29.520 Joe hates Connecticut.

01:28:30.560 Yeah, yeah.

01:28:30.860 It's like his least favorite thing in the world.

01:28:32.500 Yeah.

01:28:33.140 They went off and they call it like this useless state that has no meaning or use whatsoever.

01:28:39.040 They call it a drive-thru state because it's how you get from New York to Boston and other places.

01:28:44.580 Yeah, well, it's convenient if you grew up in Boston and you lived and worked in New York to consider that a drive-thru state.

01:28:48.860 Yeah, but it's not.

01:28:49.440 Connecticut has a lot to offer, dude.

01:28:51.120 Connecticut's awesome.

01:28:51.700 best pizza in the world one of the greatest universities yale oh okay i was thinking of 0.97

01:28:57.360 university uconn too oh you they're about to win the fucking championship needless to say every 0.99

01:29:02.320 day my mom smokes the cigarettes comes down same white bathroom i can still smell that fucking 0.99

01:29:06.800 yellowing wallpaper scent of cigarettes in the house so wait what's what does your days look 0.79

01:29:12.500 like no i'm curious like because like when you say that it kind of paints a picture and it sounds

01:29:17.620 regrettably it sounds sexy just to smoke a cigarette and have a coffee in the morning to

01:29:21.960 start your day yeah like i look at that and go that's old school no one's doing that anymore

01:29:26.140 no there's some some people still are but my day is exactly the same when i wake up i have to go

01:29:30.420 straight to the gym otherwise i get really bad anxiety like i have to go so today i wasn't able

01:29:35.120 to because i'm high on benadryl and i had to get to this podcast so i didn't go to the gym today so

01:29:39.280 i'm firing a little lighter really then the rest of the day usually you know i'm on the couch some

01:29:45.420 of the time and then and then i'll go to sleep that's pretty much what's your what's your like 0.65

01:29:51.800 what's your treat for yourself my what your treat i like porn stars i like food i like food i like 0.84

01:30:00.020 would be fun man well are you like chet chick you said earlier yeah chet chick offered for tommy 1.00

01:30:04.420 and i to fuck her yeah you should one day i was asleep you should i was asleep one day and she 0.99

01:30:09.700 knocked on my door at the house i used to live at somebody brought her upstairs because i met 1.00

01:30:13.680 She was one of the only ones I haven't met.

01:30:15.040 I've had a fun time with that community.

01:30:17.500 Dude, how much fun?

01:30:18.900 I mean, that's something that, like, in a parallel universe,

01:30:21.240 I would have loved.

01:30:22.520 Well, bro, dude, think about it for a second.

01:30:24.800 Everybody likes to, you know, everybody has their feeling about them,

01:30:27.820 but that's sex is Michael Jordan. 0.80

01:30:31.180 Like, you're talking about sex, what men look at 0.84

01:30:34.640 as, like, the most important thing.

01:30:35.800 Sex really, your sex drive runs everything in your life.

01:30:38.140 It really is, subconsciously at least.

01:30:40.240 And you're talking about Michael Jordan.

01:30:41.680 you're talking about you know uh lebron james like that's what those people are yeah so to me 0.99

01:30:47.560 i'm like dude like i don't want to beat them i want to i want to fuck lebron james yeah you 0.99

01:30:53.360 know what i'm saying like dude so yeah fuck yeah yeah so i didn't i want to party with mike i want 0.99

01:30:58.360 to party with michael jordan cocktails cigars gambling oh he's i'll fucking empty my bank 0.99

01:31:03.180 to hang with that guy for a night is that your top who's your like number one go-to i have a list 0.87

01:31:08.380 i have a list of guys i would like love to party with beneflect i would love it but he's sober i

01:31:13.380 know i know that's kind of a bummer um but like like if you like light fell off the wagon that

01:31:18.160 would be a fun you want to be there when he does it i want to be there like the the second day you

01:31:22.240 know like yeah not the first day he's jacked now i seen a video of him the other day i want him to

01:31:25.920 be sober i should say that i want him to be sober because that's better for him but like tiger woods

01:31:29.540 i want to party with him he's also you like drug addicts and alcoholics really john daly kelly

01:31:35.060 slater i mean bro you're talking about just straight fiends yeah i want to i want to like

01:31:38.480 there's a i would love i mean i'd love to party with kim jong-un that's a good target i would

01:31:44.940 like to party that's a good target for either partying or nukes though yeah you think kim

01:31:48.820 jong-un 100 i bet i bet i bet with my creativity and his assets we could have one hell of a 0.93

01:31:57.260 fucking time yeah i mean yeah but does he kim let's make your bodyguards fight is he down this 0.92

01:32:01.540 isn't the interview you know like i'd be down i think he'd i think he'd like my brand i bet he'd 0.99

01:32:07.660 like me he'd probably like you but eat like fucking crazy but where would you would you want 0.63

01:32:12.240 to do it in a neutral territory i'll go to him you actually would go to nk yeah bro do you 0.99

01:32:17.180 understand what they would do to you there if you if you fudged up even slightly bro they would

01:32:21.500 they would toast your toes over and open paper mache yeah i mean you ever been origami

01:32:25.840 something to think about like what like if you got it like what's the craziest offer you guys

01:32:33.040 have gotten to like go party with someone so i'm sure that you had to have those offers

01:32:36.080 like like steve jobs goes my kids turning 16 huge fan i mean we've had some wild run-ins 0.72

01:32:43.720 overseas bro a lot of the weird shit that we get into is overseas with like narco traffickers 0.97

01:32:48.220 some fucking some saudis we've yeah no i heard a story i heard a story i heard a story i can't 0.99

01:32:54.200 say the guy's name but i can tell you all fair of he was he he got to jordan and the prince of 0.99

01:33:02.540 jordan was like come party with me tonight and next thing you know they're in a room full of

01:33:06.660 lamborghinis shooting machine guns with girls in bikinis and i'm like i want i want one of those 0.63

01:33:14.160 i think that's haram yeah i think that's haram what's haram against the quran to what party with

01:33:21.480 to party with machine guns in lamborghinis was there alcohol and alcohol i want to think through

01:33:26.720 i want it's it's just it gives me some haram vibes yeah because that's that's the thing with

01:33:31.800 the saudis in the middle east in general um it's it's pretty strict there have you been

01:33:36.860 yeah yeah for real yeah yeah i love it i love it really it's just there's just no alcohol you got

01:33:41.940 to be well i mean you can find alcohol no no no here's the weird part and i don't want to 0.94

01:33:47.280 i'm doing business with him okay see this is the kind of shit this is when you say i have a problem 0.99

01:33:53.140 saying no this is where i get no i said yes immediately immediately who the fuck says no 0.99

01:33:57.540 i'm opening a burger shop in jetta that's cool with them okay let me tell you something real 0.92

01:34:02.200 quick they have booze there yeah they and they drink but like it's it's not like allowed dude

01:34:09.660 you have to be careful about it like you can go there like when we were in to run when we were in

01:34:14.440 doha for the world cup like you can they they like sometimes would be like oh man actually i

01:34:21.520 don't want to say that they they sometimes will become a little bit more lax no no they were for

01:34:26.140 the i know but i was gonna yes they like allowed it they're like okay for this time period like

01:34:31.220 we're gonna allow it but like normally i think like if you're an american and you go there you

01:34:35.220 can go to the american embassy and there's a bar there and so like that's i don't want to hang out 0.99

01:34:39.620 with americans i want to be in some fucking alley where they've got a goat strung up by its ankles 1.00

01:34:44.260 and we're smoking hookers 1.00

01:34:45.900 and I'm drinking out of a milk carton 0.95

01:34:49.140 and I'm like, whoa, what is this?

01:34:51.000 They will get, once they get their

01:34:53.300 those countries, their culture

01:34:55.460 is based 100% on

01:34:57.400 hospitality for guests.

01:34:59.160 If they get their hooks in you, Bert

01:35:01.380 you will be at their house

01:35:03.180 with their families, sitting on a rug

01:35:05.740 you know, how do you say

01:35:07.780 with Steve Aoki, crisscross

01:35:08.840 applesauce, literally eating

01:35:11.520 food with your hands. Steve Aoki's got

01:35:13.580 a fucking life that's a badass life yeah yeah tom and i do tom and i do live two bears events 0.98

01:35:18.140 we're like we'll do it for nascar for the ncaa i said yo reach out to live golf i want to go to 0.99

01:35:23.680 saudi arabia yeah i want to fucking party over there well do you well why don't you come when 0.73

01:35:27.160 we're i'm gonna go back in april but you may be busy when when give me a day can you behave are 0.97

01:35:32.320 you able to behave like slightly at least i mean like give me some parameters okay okay for example

01:35:38.620 but I'll tell you a really quick story.

01:35:40.780 We were flying from Ibiza to Dubai one time, right?

01:35:45.560 I already love this.

01:35:46.560 Yeah, with a group of friends.

01:35:47.860 Now, the night before, those friends, not us, of course,

01:35:50.820 were partying pretty avidly with a group of high-end Ibiza prostitutes

01:35:54.840 and just gang-type people from Ibiza.

01:35:58.460 Well, one of my friends had forgotten an important fact,

01:36:03.820 and when we got to the airport, we went through security,

01:36:05.840 and he was patted down in search,

01:36:07.420 And he ended up having some, like, powder in his pocket.

01:36:14.160 All right, I'm already out.

01:36:15.000 Yeah, so listen.

01:36:15.860 Because I took weed to Bali on accident.

01:36:18.460 Exactly, same type thing.

01:36:19.640 And I was with my family.

01:36:20.840 Right.

01:36:21.460 And it's punishable by death. 0.98

01:36:23.520 Death, right. 0.96

01:36:24.140 No way.

01:36:24.640 Yeah, and I had my cigars with me, and I said to my wife, 1.00

01:36:28.320 I said, oh, shit, I brought fucking weed. 0.99

01:36:31.040 And I was like, how cool that I smuggled weed in, 1.00

01:36:33.520 and I didn't even know I did it because I was with my cigars.

01:36:35.620 Oh, they didn't catch you?

01:36:37.420 I'm like, no. 1.00

01:36:37.780 And my wife goes, what the fuck? 1.00

01:36:39.320 Throw it away right now. 1.00

01:36:40.260 And I went, I'm going to smoke it.

01:36:41.240 We're in Bali in a rainforest.

01:36:43.520 Yeah. 1.00

01:36:43.840 She goes, no, you're not, fuck face. 1.00

01:36:45.740 It's punishable by goddamn death. 1.00

01:36:47.740 I had the most insane panic attack then thinking I would have just been taken away from my family. 1.00

01:36:53.660 Yeah.

01:36:53.940 And it was like three joints, definitely enough to get you.

01:36:56.560 Whoa.

01:36:57.240 Definitely not an accident.

01:36:58.620 Well, our guy didn't make it out like that.

01:37:01.540 He got caught.

01:37:02.260 He's dead.

01:37:03.180 He's not dead.

01:37:03.840 Yes, he is.

01:37:04.400 He's dead.

01:37:04.960 That's why I had a little bit of trouble telling the story.

01:37:06.640 so got okay maybe you know what just send me just post it on your instagram no no but he's not he's 0.98

01:37:12.880 fine but they did they did finger his ass yes i'm cool with that you know you know seth rogan uh i 0.97

01:37:20.380 did uh a podcast with him and he said he's only been not high for one day in like the past like 0.99

01:37:26.760 20 years that was when he went to singapore because you cannot yeah you just can't you cannot

01:37:31.140 you just can't take those risks yeah i brought weed into singapore and into bali you're like

01:37:37.160 you're like almost a narco trafficker yourself on accident yeah on totally on accident i brought i

01:37:42.020 grabbed my cigars that's the thing is like when i travel now i i have to take my backpack like 0.99

01:37:48.300 you know how terrifying it was to leave amsterdam because we have all these fucking drugs on us 0.94

01:37:52.400 and then and then it's not bad drugs just mushrooms and weed but then you and you put 0.95

01:37:56.780 them in pockets and then you throw a coat in the thing and you're like just go yeah that's what

01:38:02.360 happened to him that's what happened to our friend it happened to us you and taking when you take a

01:38:05.300 tour bus into canada we go into canada uh very first tour i ever do on a tour bus body shots 0.93

01:38:10.460 and they say to me get rid of all your marijuana they do not fuck around with the border 0.90

01:38:13.960 and i was like okay my wife's on the bus with me it's my very first time me my wife jesus trejo 0.89

01:38:19.100 and our bus driver so i go i'm gonna get rid of all the weep i'm gonna i'm gonna bring like

01:38:23.100 a one hitter so i can smoke like a bat yeah like one bat so i can have a cocktail smoke as listen

01:38:29.740 to music on the tour bus my first night on the tour bus well it just catches up the the the

01:38:34.800 the border gets there so quickly that all of a sudden they're like we're here and i'm like whoa 1.00

01:38:39.640 whoa i haven't even lit it yet i haven't hit it no warning no warning and i'm like fuck fuck fuck 0.99

01:38:43.700 so i run back to the bathroom i have a it's a glass one hitter and i'm trying to blow it the 0.99

01:38:47.940 weed out into the toilet toilet yeah and i and i break i drop the thing it shatters i can't it's

01:38:53.000 a new tour bus i don't know how to turn the lights on i'm greaching around i'm grabbing stuff i'm 0.97

01:38:56.620 throwing in the toilet door opens border patrol everyone off the fucking bus i'm like oh yeah 0.99

01:39:01.020 yeah yeah my wife gets up we go in we're held for about an hour and i'm like oh fuck i'm fucked i'm 0.99

01:39:07.260 fucked i'm fucked it's not a lot of weed but it is weed i was told to get rid of everything 0.99

01:39:11.460 guy comes in and he goes my wife looks at me she goes did you bring weed and i said no i did not 0.99

01:39:19.020 I have no weed on me she goes none I said none she goes you promised I said baby I swear to god

01:39:23.760 guy comes in and he goes you guys are good to go I was like yeah he's like yeah enjoy Canada

01:39:30.420 it's him and another woman and they're walking us out to the bus I said to the guy I go hey man

01:39:33.960 just out of curiosity like what would have happened if we did have weed what and he goes

01:39:38.300 you mean like hypothetically speaking if someone had brought a glass one hit her and broken it in

01:39:44.020 the bathroom and put it in the toilet but didn't know how to flush the toilet i said yeah what

01:39:49.140 would have happened and he goes i would have said it's a pleasure meeting the machine and i would 0.99

01:39:52.800 have flushed the toilet you got lucky you're lying i swear to god no fucking way my wife 1.00

01:39:57.660 goes fucking red she goes you brought fucking marijuana and i was like no no no it never 1.00

01:40:02.640 happened right sir and he goes enjoy canada oh my god oh my god dude this machine thing has 0.99

01:40:08.540 transcended every country dude i i was the uh i mean yeah like i whatever

01:40:15.760 yeah whatever you just did you like canada i love i've never been oh for real not allowed

01:40:21.600 oh no you are now now i just got my my felonies uh pardoned for real yeah because i had been so

01:40:27.500 long i had to go through a legal process and have them pardoned so joey diaz joey diaz can't do that

01:40:32.060 can't go to canada well how but it's been a while since he's killed i think he's like his was like

01:40:36.420 A pretty aggressive felony

01:40:37.700 Yeah murder

01:40:38.180 Well no the violent felonies

01:40:39.720 Take a while longer

01:40:40.360 Was it the kidnapping

01:40:40.840 Joey Diaz

01:40:41.820 No it was

01:40:42.680 Kidnapping

01:40:43.900 He kidnapped a man

01:40:45.360 Yeah

01:40:45.960 So yeah I think

01:40:46.740 It was a pretty

01:40:47.740 It was a pretty aggressive felony

01:40:49.260 Yeah I think those

01:40:50.400 Take longer to get

01:40:51.340 Parting

01:40:51.840 Other than a DUI

01:40:53.820 I heard you drink

01:40:56.600 A gallon of Kool-Aid a day

01:40:57.780 Is that still

01:40:58.500 Yeah

01:40:58.740 Dude

01:40:59.280 Can I tell you 0.99

01:41:00.060 I fucking love these primes 0.99

01:41:01.060 Oh you like primes 0.99

01:41:01.660 I really do

01:41:02.380 I really do

01:41:03.120 We

01:41:03.620 I was

01:41:03.980 With my daughters

01:41:04.940 When we were at the beach 0.96

01:41:05.760 and they had a big stack and i was like oh shit this is uh his drink and i grabbed it i grabbed 0.66

01:41:12.380 a bunch and put them out at the beach and in the fridge the next morning i'm hung over and i wake 0.90

01:41:16.980 over i go i'm gonna try one of these now i love liquid uh uh liquid iv yeah liquid iv is a great 0.97

01:41:21.580 drink yeah this has all the fucking electrolytes all the fucking salts all the taste everything i 0.96

01:41:27.160 fucking love these things we have them on our tour bus we have them in our office we have them in our 0.99

01:41:31.380 office no way we've got the energy ones at our office too let's go i fucking love these dude 0.99

01:41:35.280 thanks man yeah they're fucking great they're great for hangovers they're great for sickness 0.98

01:41:38.840 they're great for hangovers they're great for fucking hangovers dude that's crazy yeah i love 0.99

01:41:42.860 them okay so i got a gift for you then the guys that run prime the whoever is in charge has been 0.99

01:41:49.000 hitting me up send me we'll keep you stocked but i got something for you today because i heard you

01:41:53.500 drink a gallon of kool-aid today i love kool-aid okay but we got you a gallon of prime they don't

01:41:57.500 make these and we just assembled this today oh my god guys this is so pretty this is almost as 0.99

01:42:05.460 cool as a dinosaur bone suck on that tom segura i i got him shit i was gonna give it to you at 0.90

01:42:12.260 the beginning of the podcast but i forgot and so we were gonna prompt you to drink all of it but uh 0.99

01:42:17.560 you know i could go through this oh this is my favorite color red so that's that's you know

01:42:24.220 It's not a Whitney Cummings-esque horse, but that's my gift to you.

01:42:26.960 I got to get that horse still.

01:42:28.500 Just something horsey.

01:42:30.220 Just on horse-like.

01:42:31.360 Yeah, it's just something horse-like.

01:42:32.880 And then just be like, I hope you like it.

01:42:35.040 And then just walk away.

01:42:36.280 Yeah, and just be slick. 0.95

01:42:37.380 And then she'll be like, who am I? 1.00

01:42:38.320 Give her a wink or something.

01:42:39.740 She'll go, who was that guy?

01:42:41.080 Yeah, yeah.

01:42:41.460 Well, because we met the other comedian at George's house.

01:42:46.460 Come on.

01:42:48.500 Here's the problem. 1.00

01:42:49.580 Chelsea Hammond.

01:42:50.220 Thank you.

01:42:50.420 Yeah, yeah, Chelsea. 1.00

01:42:50.880 So she, when I met her, now I'm scared of all female comedians. 0.97

01:42:56.800 She, bro, her energy was just like, dude, like, bro, I was like,

01:43:00.340 how you doing, Ms. Handler?

01:43:01.200 Good to meet you.

01:43:01.880 You called her Ms. Handler? 1.00

01:43:02.940 And she hit me with a fly swatter, bro, or some shit, dude. 1.00

01:43:06.640 Like, I'm scared of that woman. 1.00

01:43:08.120 That woman will run through your life. 1.00

01:43:09.840 100%. 1.00

01:43:10.200 I won't fuck you, Chelsea Handler. 1.00

01:43:11.900 Nah, she's scared of me, bro. 1.00

01:43:12.560 We'll DM and stuff every now and then.

01:43:14.060 She'll send me a DM or something. 0.94

01:43:15.800 But she's a gangster. 0.99

01:43:17.100 Well, because she's dating Joe Coy, right? 0.99

01:43:19.980 oh shit that he's still alive though yeah yeah he's still alive because dude you notice he 0.99

01:43:24.500 didn't talk shit about her no he can't i'm just saying he didn't talk shit about her 0.99

01:43:29.120 like if i my wife and i divorce i'm trashing her up and down you can't do that my next special is 1.00

01:43:34.780 called leanne sucks my hillbilly wife sucks no dude uh i feel it's funny as i'm like i could 1.00

01:43:42.500 definitely tell you i feel like i'm teaching you how to fuck my sister though because like i go 1.00

01:43:46.980 i can tell you what to do to whitney to like because i know what she's into i know what her 1.00

01:43:50.720 interests are and she'll be busy as fuck tonight because she'll be running around trying to 0.93

01:43:55.500 organize everything i mean this is this is like loki a dirty move because i love whitney but i 0.99

01:44:02.560 like you yeah what you do is you just walk up to her and go let me know how i can help oh she'll

01:44:07.060 like that she'll be like it feels like acts of servitude with her big dude like if i is whitney's

01:44:12.300 person of service got she is consistently once again i feel like the opposite attracting is big 0.97

01:44:18.320 so i feel like i want to fuck her night up a little bit hold on don't you wait do you are 0.97

01:44:21.940 you attracted to different people than you oh wait i am too yeah i'm not attracted dead inside 1.00

01:44:26.620 like he's like my best friend and he's he's like a like a corpse but are you attracted to this is

01:44:32.560 my impression i can't wait for tom to do this podcast i'll be tom do it go ask me a question

01:44:37.340 I got it.

01:44:38.100 Have you ever met Hasbro?

01:44:40.020 Nope. 0.98

01:44:42.120 Why the fuck would we invite him on? 0.98

01:44:43.260 Him on the podcast. 0.98

01:44:44.660 Because every now and then he'll give you something good. 0.99

01:44:46.860 And you're like, God damn it. 0.96

01:44:48.120 Why didn't you do that the whole time? 0.99

01:44:49.320 Oh, okay, okay.

01:44:49.820 He told me a story about his son that has me laughing to this. 0.99

01:44:53.340 I think of it fucking once a day. 0.99

01:44:55.580 It's one of my favorite stories. 0.99

01:44:57.280 He's a great play partner.

01:45:00.800 Like when you guys play together, like he's that.

01:45:03.880 Okay, okay, okay.

01:45:04.440 And so you just got to figure out how to get him to play with you. 0.98

01:45:07.340 And then once he gets him to play with you, you have a fucking blast. 0.96

01:45:11.120 But there's been some times where people go, man, that's a girl on. 0.98

01:45:13.860 He's a tough interview, huh?

01:45:15.080 And I was like, he didn't like you.

01:45:18.000 No, we'd get him comfortable.

01:45:19.520 Me and him, our playtime is rapid fire. 0.87

01:45:22.100 Like when we get into rapid fire questions mode, we can go for like 20 minutes and just confuse the shit out of somebody. 0.95

01:45:27.280 Really? 0.84

01:45:27.740 Yeah.

01:45:30.060 You're going to have to sit.

01:45:31.200 No, why?

01:45:31.880 Why?

01:45:32.300 What's your problem?

01:45:33.180 What's going on?

01:45:33.860 Why are you doing this?

01:45:35.100 Who cares?

01:45:35.520 It's crazy.

01:45:36.000 He's not actually going to drink out of the gallon. 1.00

01:45:37.220 What a shit gift. 0.99

01:45:37.860 This is why we don't get a lot of guests back. 1.00

01:45:39.920 Dylan, Dylan, Dylan.

01:45:41.020 I'm working on this one.

01:45:41.960 I'll get into that in a second.

01:45:43.440 It's not even branded correctly.

01:45:45.340 You sound like Bill Cosby on a date night.

01:45:47.160 Drink from that one.

01:45:48.060 Drink from that one.

01:45:51.180 No, no, no, no, no.

01:45:52.200 Dude, I think Winston Churchill's here.

01:45:54.100 Winston Churchill is here.

01:45:55.140 He's at the door.

01:45:56.060 Winston Churchill's at the door.

01:45:58.160 I just pulled my leg looking.

01:46:00.700 Was that that noise?

01:46:01.960 Dude, and then he just...

01:46:02.960 Did you hear that?

01:46:03.740 I heard a crack.

01:46:04.660 He just vanished.

01:46:05.380 It's true.

01:46:06.720 Jesus.

01:46:07.220 Who is that?

01:46:07.760 I think it was Winston.

01:46:08.900 Is this one of those party houses that you guys used to get in trouble for having?

01:46:12.680 Not this one.

01:46:13.260 Oh, we weren't that group, by the way.

01:46:15.200 We weren't the...

01:46:15.860 No.

01:46:16.340 Well, his brother was the one that would light pools on fire.

01:46:18.960 No, no.

01:46:19.620 Anything bad that ever happened was the brother.

01:46:22.620 That was not.

01:46:23.280 So anything...

01:46:23.900 I thought all your houses you'd get in trouble.

01:46:26.360 Like, neighbors would be like, you can't park your car in there.

01:46:28.780 That was Jake.

01:46:29.760 Yeah.

01:46:30.000 He did...

01:46:31.000 Jake also threw, and I'll stand by this,

01:46:33.620 One of the best parties

01:46:35.620 LA has ever seen

01:46:36.460 That was crazy

01:46:37.080 In his Calabasas house

01:46:38.500 One night

01:46:39.140 Yeah 0.99

01:46:39.400 I saw some weird shit 0.96

01:46:40.280 That night 0.97

01:46:40.540 Yeah everyone did

01:46:41.460 Everyone

01:46:42.220 It was just a weird 1.00

01:46:43.200 Conglomerate of people 0.98

01:46:44.180 It was

01:46:44.560 It was real life

01:46:46.000 Project X

01:46:46.600 Yeah

01:46:46.920 Really

01:46:47.420 There was

01:46:47.760 A 50 foot

01:46:49.020 20 foot dirt bike ramp

01:46:50.760 Dirt bike guys

01:46:51.400 There was a boxing match

01:46:52.620 In the back 1.00

01:46:53.100 Style bender 1.00

01:46:53.900 I was wrestling 1.00

01:46:55.000 Style bender 1.00

01:46:55.740 Yeah

01:46:55.980 Random celebs showed up

01:46:57.740 There was a

01:46:58.140 People 1.00

01:46:59.600 It was filled with 0.96

01:47:00.500 A shit load of people 0.93

01:47:01.720 DJ 0.96

01:47:02.060 Boxing

01:47:02.520 People sitting on top

01:47:03.280 boxing basketball hoops it was nuts i never had an la party like that i don't think

01:47:07.540 no that's that's that's why it was nice but it didn't feel like an la party it felt like you 0.98

01:47:13.120 were back home at some sort of college fest party at night that was but with hot shit that shouldn't 0.93

01:47:19.040 have been happening and somehow even though at the time he was just like a youtuber kid yeah we both 0.87

01:47:25.360 were the celebs caught hold of it wanted to see this this this chaos that was this you know two

01:47:32.300 acre property where every ounce was filled with someone or alcohol did you ever go to the playboy

01:47:37.440 mansion no i did i did yeah oh he did yeah it was it was cool i went on the on the decline though

01:47:42.960 you know i i didn't get to go during peak playboy was hugh dead when you went or was he still alive

01:47:47.720 he was alive the first time and then but i'm sure you went you probably no i went there i went i

01:47:52.720 didn't i went to to work i do like uh they do like radio shows playboy radio we did an interview

01:47:58.900 with hugh hefner and they're like very specific about what questions you were allowed to ask oh

01:48:03.640 yeah and and i was like i was i didn't care you just asked well i was married with two kids so

01:48:08.700 i didn't care if i never got invited back to the play yeah yeah yeah so i was like and it was hugh

01:48:12.520 hefner i'm gonna get my minute to talk to him right the first thing i said was it was not on

01:48:17.200 the list but i said how many hours do you sleep a night and he goes that is a fantastic question

01:48:22.080 because you know i used to be addicted to amphetamines everyone's like whoa see that's

01:48:26.740 That's why you ask the weird question. 0.98

01:48:28.120 And you can see the woman in the back going, stop, stop the interview.

01:48:30.520 And he's like, no, no, no, this is a great question.

01:48:32.300 Because now I don't take amphetamines anymore, but I love Diet Pepsi.

01:48:35.900 I have about 12 a diet.

01:48:37.120 Oh, I see what he's doing.

01:48:38.500 He's doing smoke bombs.

01:48:39.580 But his hands, ice cold.

01:48:43.200 Because he probably was on the decline.

01:48:46.320 No, he was lucid.

01:48:48.400 Big dude.

01:48:48.920 He was a big dude.

01:48:49.740 Really?

01:48:50.260 You have to, really?

01:48:50.980 He was a tall dude.

01:48:52.400 But I walk away with things like,

01:48:54.300 i was uh surprised you guys were as tall as you were when i walked in like i i seen it i've seen

01:48:59.600 i figured you were but i didn't know we get that a lot that's i get that a lot that's oh really 0.99

01:49:05.260 how tall you a 6'1 oh shit you are i i must not have caught that yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah they 0.96

01:49:11.020 say dude you're a lot bigger in real life right yeah yeah you go to do you go to la parties like 0.99

01:49:16.000 still no i've never seen because because they still do like good parties in the hills i go to

01:49:20.440 From time to time

01:49:21.400 They go late

01:49:21.980 It's fun 1.00

01:49:22.440 You see cool shit on them 0.99

01:49:23.680 But I think sometimes 0.94

01:49:24.960 Back to like

01:49:25.760 What the parties were like

01:49:27.000 In like the 60s

01:49:28.260 Like when like

01:49:28.780 The problem is the phones Burt

01:49:29.900 Because everyone has phones now

01:49:31.640 Well no but it's

01:49:32.200 That is the problem too

01:49:33.000 But also just people

01:49:33.780 Aren't as cool as they were

01:49:34.760 Like bro can you imagine

01:49:35.820 Going to a party

01:49:36.440 No no Mike

01:49:37.220 It's because of the phones

01:49:38.060 Hold on a second

01:49:38.620 It's always gonna be boiled down 1.00

01:49:39.520 Fuck the phones 1.00

01:49:40.240 No no 1.00

01:49:40.960 Fuck your phone 1.00

01:49:41.380 It's the phones 1.00

01:49:42.000 I'm talking about

01:49:43.060 Mama Cassidy 1.00

01:49:43.840 Choked on a ham sandwich bro 1.00

01:49:45.440 Fuck the phone 1.00

01:49:46.080 You're talking about 1.00

01:49:46.380 Telecommunications companies

01:49:47.560 Verizon

01:49:48.160 This is nothing to do

01:49:49.080 You're not gonna 0.98

01:49:49.480 fucking say they're talking about fucking 60s rock and roll but you think that the because 0.98

01:49:52.900 phones were out that people have changed the way they behave yeah yeah you have no he's right but 0.99

01:49:56.720 that anything can be a liability anything can be posted you can't live in the moment you can't have

01:50:00.440 fun without fear of being recorded i go to post it and and online permanence is is horrifying some

01:50:05.820 of the parties i go to people don't care and i've and usually that's in scottsdale if you go to a

01:50:10.700 party in scottsdale the people don't care dude i went to one dude oh my god they got cocaine

01:50:16.600 everywhere all over the table and there's people doing like in the background like dude i'm at a 0.98

01:50:21.000 party and there's dude in the back just fucking ripping a gooch or dude like a fucking two-foot 0.99

01:50:24.900 monster doesn't give a shit because they're from arizona what do they have to think about 0.99

01:50:28.380 we don't have anything to fucking think of fucking arizona who was the football player's house we 0.99

01:50:32.440 went to in it in uh pete eli manning no this guy uh gabe davis knew him and he was like let's go 0.99

01:50:42.000 to his house he's a big football player and and the nicest guy like as like idiots me and shane

01:50:48.640 gillis walked in and went and introduced ourselves sean merriman no oh thank god i forget his name

01:50:53.760 he's a big and it was one who oh say quran oh yeah and it was he's on the scene it was 0.96

01:51:01.440 fucking it was one of the coolest parties the most beautiful women i've ever seen in my 0.96

01:51:08.080 entire life i'm talking straight up assassin new york or la assassins in it was in at the super 0.99

01:51:14.700 bowl it was in tempe got it and it was i mean there were women i've only been in trouble one 0.93

01:51:20.320 time for talking shit about my wife it was about chet chick i said on the podcast i said 0.86

01:51:24.840 i said there's it's interesting with her i feel like i would be helpless like i feel like if she 1.00

01:51:30.380 wanted to fuck me i wouldn't be able to stop it and my wife was like well hold on she was like i 1.00

01:51:34.960 I don't like that sentence because then you're saying you'd fuck her. 1.00

01:51:38.700 I said, no, I'm just saying, I'm talking in the hypothetical. 0.98

01:51:41.500 She's like, yeah, but you're saying that, she's like, you've never cheated on me.

01:51:44.400 Why would you say that? 1.00

01:51:45.100 You'd hypothetically fuck her. 1.00

01:51:46.440 Hypothetically, it's like her and Christy Mack. 1.00

01:51:48.520 I've seen them both in person, and you're just like, I feel like I'd be powerless.

01:51:53.140 I feel like. 1.00

01:51:54.560 You're into weird shit, dude. 1.00

01:51:56.140 I can tell you. 1.00

01:51:56.880 No, you, dude, Chechik is the grimiest out of all of, dude, she does wild shit. 1.00

01:52:01.360 She does wild shit, yeah. 1.00

01:52:02.260 And after you told me about flying dildos and all that shit, 1.00

01:52:04.520 you're a sick fuck, Burt Kreischer. 1.00

01:52:05.700 I might be, I might be. 1.00

01:52:06.980 But there were some women at Saquon Barkley's house that were,

01:52:10.880 I mean, I was a ghost to them.

01:52:12.880 They didn't see what I, I'm a ghost.

01:52:15.080 I'm an apparition.

01:52:17.040 I was just some 50-year-old white dude floating in the background.

01:52:19.880 They didn't even know that I existed.

01:52:21.420 I wasn't an NFL player.

01:52:22.620 I wasn't covered in diamonds. 1.00

01:52:24.040 These were, there was one woman I think about roughly once a week 1.00

01:52:27.760 who had a dragon tattooed down her face and throat 1.00

01:52:33.380 and a dark black chick, and you could see the dragon. 1.00

01:52:37.720 I wonder what she's doing. 0.96

01:52:39.760 I just randomly go, 1.00

01:52:41.120 I wonder what that girl's doing today. 1.00

01:52:42.960 She was an assassin. 1.00

01:52:44.740 Maybe she actually is.

01:52:48.060 The only reason I was asking,

01:52:49.700 I just think sometimes about my choices in life

01:52:52.960 in terms of partying,

01:52:53.800 because I did all my hardcore drug use

01:52:56.280 in like bridgeport connecticut and it was like 26 degrees out and i was wearing like a you know

01:53:02.240 like real shitty clothes and i think to myself sometimes imagine if i had like paused it and

01:53:07.060 taken those eight years and done the drugs now like imagine i'm smoking crack at the addition

01:53:11.860 in west hollywood just imagine you know what i'm saying i never got to do cocaine in uh in la never

01:53:16.340 and never will and then end up at malibu and watching the sunrise with a bunch of chicks

01:53:21.600 and being like this is great one girl's like i got some great edibles that should pull us down 0.99

01:53:26.200 And then you get into a fucking Lamborghini 1.00

01:53:28.980 Oh you'll never do it 1.00

01:53:30.380 It's like Bobby Kelly is a comedian

01:53:32.600 A good friend of mine

01:53:33.340 And he quit drinking when he was like 15, 16

01:53:35.560 And I go

01:53:36.440 So you never got to have like a specialty cocktail

01:53:40.280 And he was like no I just drank like whiskey out of the bottle

01:53:42.600 And I go wow you never got like a martini

01:53:44.800 Or like a

01:53:45.660 You never had bottomless mimosas

01:53:47.960 Like that breaks my heart

01:53:49.300 What could have been

01:53:49.980 Like I still could do drugs

01:53:52.300 I won't

01:53:53.020 That's the cool thing is you don't want to

01:53:55.180 But you never got the L.A. moment

01:53:57.820 Well, it's just tough, dude, because drugs

01:54:00.480 It's not too late for Mike

01:54:02.440 Because if he does relapse

01:54:04.480 Can't say that

01:54:05.540 The issue is this, dude

01:54:08.660 If you do drugs

01:54:10.400 You do drink alcohol

01:54:11.100 It depends on the year that you ask me

01:54:12.840 I will sometimes

01:54:13.860 But if you make it out, though, I'm saying

01:54:17.240 Yes

01:54:17.680 You could write a sequel

01:54:20.140 What age can you say

01:54:21.280 I'm California

01:54:22.160 What age can you say

01:54:23.340 You could write a sequel to Six Vital

01:54:24.820 yeah become a become a no i need to go the opposite way because i you know i've been on

01:54:30.840 i'm just kidding i've been on no i know that but i just no but i need to go like full on because

01:54:35.420 i'm a good example of getting out but you don't understand this at house sometimes you may say

01:54:42.300 that feel like you're telling us i wanted to say this earlier you may feel like you tell that story

01:54:45.620 about you getting out of drugs a lot and people have heard it you don't understand but no but

01:54:49.540 you said that that's why i'm saying that but you don't understand that people are catching that

01:54:53.260 story on the day they might need to hear it yeah that's why yeah that's why it's important to tell

01:54:57.000 it yeah like i always feel bad because i go even having kids like and watching my daughter's 0.85

01:55:01.480 friends party i always feel like you know don't do as i did because like i'm i got really fucking

01:55:07.880 lucky for whatever reason my brain is the brain that didn't get addicted to alcohol or didn't get 0.51

01:55:12.200 addicted to coke didn't get addicted to marijuana i may drink too much but i don't have a drinking 0.94

01:55:16.920 problem and and i get i i operate at a very high level i work really fucking hard i get up early

01:55:23.120 i work out i i enjoy life that doesn't happen for everyone no yeah not everyone gets to do that 0.83

01:55:30.000 not everyone gets to go not everyone gets to go like i won't i i'm gonna get a party bus and go

01:55:35.860 to a premiere of a roast tonight and watch you hit on whitney cummings and hopefully we'll hang 1.00

01:55:40.740 out with with fucking uh jennifer aniston adriana chat chick yeah uh there's a bunch of fucking 1.00

01:55:46.800 ballers that'll be there tonight oh oh really i think i think uh foo fighters are coming 0.99

01:55:50.820 I think Dave Grohl's

01:55:52.440 I asked him for a picture

01:55:54.060 Dave Grohl

01:55:54.660 No where

01:55:55.180 What was the event

01:55:55.820 Oh I don't know

01:55:57.060 Right now are you coming

01:55:58.080 Where's Dave Grohl

01:55:59.080 You like Dave Grohl

01:56:00.580 I

01:56:00.900 I don't know who that is

01:56:02.140 Wow

01:56:02.540 Burt please ignore that

01:56:04.720 Burt please

01:56:05.380 Burt please

01:56:06.500 Burt please

01:56:07.040 Burt please

01:56:07.540 Burt please

01:56:08.180 I have to do a podcast with him

01:56:09.220 Please

01:56:09.500 Stop Burt

01:56:10.480 Don't just

01:56:11.720 Act like it didn't happen

01:56:13.680 There goes my hero

01:56:15.000 Stop Burt

01:56:15.640 Burt stop

01:56:16.620 He doesn't know the song

01:56:17.340 I know the song

01:56:18.380 I know the song

01:56:18.900 Of course

01:56:19.320 I asked him for a picture one time

01:56:20.360 He said no

01:56:20.960 Dave Grohl?

01:56:21.400 Yeah, I deserved it.

01:56:22.120 He was with his kid.

01:56:23.140 I don't get starstruck.

01:56:25.120 I got starstruck when I met him. 0.99

01:56:25.980 It's Dave fucking Grohl, dude. 0.99

01:56:28.060 Maybe the biggest fucking rock stars, 0.99

01:56:29.920 one of the biggest rock stars in the history of the planet. 0.99

01:56:32.000 Well, I think I'm, I thought I was going to be.

01:56:35.420 Indisposed.

01:56:35.840 Like working out, rehearsing.

01:56:38.560 Fruit.

01:56:39.200 Yeah, yeah. 0.99

01:56:39.980 I'm going down a fucking zip line. 0.99

01:56:41.600 That's how I'm entering my match. 1.00

01:56:43.600 I'm going down a zip line.

01:56:44.400 So I don't know, like if I'm free, maybe.

01:56:47.380 You know what, as well, I'm super antisocial currently.

01:56:50.800 i am why i think because i'm so sober and i have a girlfriend are you sober sober super sober why

01:56:57.760 because of training oh for oh yeah i just want to do well i think i think uh i think i could do

01:57:02.800 something really special if i just like decide and i think i've made the decision so i guess i'm

01:57:06.700 just boring sober athlete guy no no that's not it's not dude what what you do is fun to watch

01:57:12.600 so with whatever you got to do so that i enjoy it because i enjoy it just keep doing that i'm

01:57:17.540 that's how it works no no that's that's like the seed of my uh dedication right now is i know i

01:57:23.820 have the ability to create moments and memories that last forever in someone's life that's pretty

01:57:29.220 cool dude i look at it like when i tour i just upped my production package right so i have my

01:57:34.080 lighting package and i spent a little extra money and i and it was and it was going to cost more

01:57:37.880 but i thought you know i wanted i want to make things special for people not a lot of times

01:57:41.660 entertainers think how can i make it the best thing that they're going to get sometimes people

01:57:45.520 go how much money can i get give me the bag i want i want them i'm not even saying like like

01:57:51.080 on fully loaded we don't make any money off the door me my my family we put all the money back

01:57:55.440 to the festival because we want it to be amazing for all the comics we have a gangster list of

01:57:59.740 comics on there tiffany haddish lewis black david tell big jay oakson shane gillis mark norman dan 0.99

01:58:05.000 soder uh fucking rosebud baker i mean it is a gangster jim norton i mean it's a fucking gangster 0.91

01:58:10.160 list it's about the event it's about enhancing people's experience in life i mean it's it's why 0.99

01:58:16.280 i drink really because i love to fucking take it up but yeah but when you do that when i saw you in 0.99

01:58:21.520 the whatever the one was we were the fucking purple tights and you came flying off the fucking 0.96

01:58:26.320 top rope i went dude that's i mean i watched i ended up going and trying to find the match 0.98

01:58:30.580 on the on fucking like so i was like so whatever you got to do to enhance those moments for people 0.93

01:58:35.120 fucking do it because that's what life's about i think it's important it lasts forever man i was 0.99

01:58:40.500 gonna come on in a zipline for this tour no way you should well no here's the problem they put 0.99

01:58:47.300 you in the fucking zipline like when they can't like they gotta take you up there and so you're 0.98

01:58:51.800 sitting there watching the opening comics in a fucking harness going like oh you gotta wait so 0.99

01:58:56.760 yeah i gotta watch these guys i thought you were gonna say you're gonna come in for a zipline for 0.98

01:59:02.140 this podcast no dude i was i wouldn't do the world's fastest zip line i have in vegas they're 0.78

01:59:07.840 called flight lines you go like fucking 150 miles an hour seems safe uh the first the very first 0.98

01:59:13.460 person to ever do it the woman lost four toes really what i'm a very first person first fucking 0.96

01:59:23.600 person wait a second lost four fucking toes that is such a such a nuanced injury it was why how 0.94

01:59:31.800 because they said they now have a rule oh no oh she like dangled her feet too low or something 0.98

01:59:37.480 you gotta like keep your legs to your chest yeah yeah and she had him in her so there's a there's

01:59:44.120 a uh like a a like a what is it a stopper yeah but you know like and it compresses and it shot

01:59:51.480 her up and it and her feet toes went into it as it compressed snapped him off dude and then we did

01:59:58.120 it we did it that day and what happens is you get a tailwind so if you get a tailwind on one of

02:00:03.320 these things you can crank up pretty fucking fast and so we got a tailwind there's a storm coming 0.87

02:00:07.960 we're up in the fucking there's a lecture there's metal everywhere and they're like we got to get 0.98

02:00:13.100 out of here last one let's go i went flying so hard i racked my testicles insanely on it and 0.96

02:00:19.140 then i shot back out in the middle of the canyon and we're sitting there while the storm came in 0.86

02:00:24.100 waiting because now they're like how do we get him in because you hit it and then you shoot 0.99

02:00:28.640 back slingshot him back oh yeah this thing is a liability dude yeah fucking zip lines 0.97

02:00:32.960 hey hey i gotta go okay that's it i gotta go okay i love you i don't see you tonight i love you i 0.98

02:00:43.580 wish i wish i had a smoother out no that's perfect no bert this has been great hey guys this has been

02:00:48.480 uh let me tell you something i love andrew schultz but and i was i was shell-shocked after

02:00:53.560 that podcast and i would not want to do any podcast i told i told tom i'm never doing anyone's 0.89

02:00:57.900 podcast and i was bummed because i was really excited to do this i was like i'm not fucking 0.89

02:01:01.420 doing it but i'm you guys like gave me faith in fucking podcast thank you so much for this yeah 0.86

02:01:08.120 dude thanks for having us on guys uh if you want to see bert's new movie the machine memorial day 0.92

02:01:11.880 weekend memorial day weekend razzle dazzle streaming right now on netflix and your tour

02:01:16.200 uh tops off world tours finishing up uh fully loaded is in the summer and then we'll pick it

02:01:22.000 up again in the fall absolutely crushing it guys gentlemen thank you so much thank you

02:01:26.020 Burt Kreischer thank you for listening to this episode of Impulse we love you hit that subscribe

02:01:30.160 button we'll see you next time take it easy peace Lisa tell them about our new show we have a new

02:01:36.160 podcast it's called don't lie to me I'm Lexi Iwanu we're two best friends 22 years apart but so close

02:01:42.700 at heart and I'm Lisa DiGiulio the old one which means we have wildly different references

02:01:47.680 occasionally different opinions and at this point in my 50s i've lived it all now in my 30s

02:01:53.320 being the founder of new shoes good taste is my business listen on the iheart radio app

02:01:58.980 apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts

02:02:01.600 i'm lacey mosley author actor stand-up comedian creator and host of scam goddess podcast the

02:02:09.940 true crime comedy podcast all about robbery fraud and those who practice it each week i bring on an

02:02:15.180 Amazing guests.

02:02:16.120 Ooh, I scammed them.

02:02:17.280 What?

02:02:17.740 I could talk to you for an hour.

02:02:19.280 You're a generational yapper, like me.

02:02:21.320 That's why I had to make yapping a job.

02:02:23.280 And now you can catch full episodes of my show on YouTube.

02:02:26.540 Start listening to Scam Goddess on the iHeartRadio app,

02:02:29.520 Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

02:02:32.420 Scam Goddess!

02:02:34.320 Hi, this is Kylie Brakeman.

02:02:35.960 Angela Jaritana.

02:02:36.900 Jeremy Culhane.

02:02:37.600 Patrick McDonald.

02:02:38.240 And we're the hosts of the Artists on Artists on Artists on Artists podcast.

02:02:42.360 The Improvised Character Comedy podcast,

02:02:44.240 where each week a new panel of artists discuss their craft.

02:02:48.200 Join us for a panel of Eurovision participants.

02:02:51.280 And we do a little Halloween sometimes.

02:02:53.500 Does the Pope dress up?

02:02:54.820 He winks on Halloween.

02:02:57.100 He gets right up next to the microphone.

02:02:58.820 I hear you can almost hear the eyelashes hit each other.

02:03:01.920 You've never seen Italy so quiet as when the Pope gets up to wink on Halloween.

02:03:07.240 Listen to Artists on Artists on Artists on Artists every Thursday on the iHeartRadio app,

02:03:11.620 Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

02:03:14.800 I'm Hamza.

02:03:15.660 And I'm Martin.

02:03:16.320 And we're the hosts of Out of Character,

02:03:17.840 the funniest podcast in the entire world.

02:03:19.820 Ra-ra-op-the-team.

02:03:21.720 The Russian queen. 0.85

02:03:23.440 I like that.

02:03:24.360 It's a good way to promote ourselves.

02:03:25.480 We are two funny guys having fun enjoying ourselves,

02:03:28.400 and we just know how to have fun, unlike anyone else.

02:03:31.280 If you guys like fun conversations, hot takes, what else?

02:03:35.640 Not too hot, just kind of lukewarm.

02:03:37.260 Lukewarm takes.

02:03:37.820 Just to get your mind thinking a little bit.

02:03:39.600 Listen to Out of Character on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Impaulsive with Logan Paul - April 18, 2023

Bert Kreischer Exposes Joe Rogan & Theo Von, Accidentally Joins The Russian Mafia

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