FAFO w⧸Jonny and Sarah - v4hu499
Episode Stats
Length
3 hours and 51 minutes
Words per Minute
173.82162
Hate Speech Sentences
228
Summary
In this episode of Fucking around and finding out, Johnny and Sarah talk about how to deal with the feelings that come up once you become an adult, and how to overcome them. Also, we talk about Alice in Chains.
Transcript
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He's really good at fucking around and finding out.
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The thing about my office is that it's on a really...
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So if it hits the wrong side on the wheels, then I just end up rolling away.
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We'll probably come into a song instead of just going fucking cold, cold fucking intro.
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We just decide to do shit when we feel like doing it.
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People fuck around and then they don't seem to grasp the concept of when you fuck around,
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People seem to forget that as adults, there are repercussions for your fucking actions.
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People are going to continue to move around and they're going to make those moves and act
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like there's not going to be any repercussions for your fucking moves.
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And I feel like some of those people are going to have some real fucking rude awakenings at
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some point when they realize that those actions are going to have repercussions.
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Like I think a lot of selfishness prevents people from seeing that they might find out
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I also find it interesting too that I think there's an interesting thing that happens
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when adults sort of, we reach a point in our lives and a place in our adulthood where we
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start to recognize the patterns of our adult relationships, right?
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Like how our childhood and the things that we've, the things that have happened and the
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things that we've adopted and, you know, how we've dealt through our traumas and things
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You come to a place in your adulthood where you, those things are, you can't not, you
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can't not see them or feel them or whatever, because it doesn't matter what you're doing.
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I mean, like I can use that in my own experience.
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Like I ignored a lot for years and drinking was a way of assisting in that.
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But I have no, like ever since I've quit drinking though, it's one of those situations
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where yes, I've been able to look back and kind of realize where there's a lot of things
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in the past that have truly affected where I've gone.
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Um, and, and a lot of that too, is my own reactions to things, um, that, that's a real
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hard pill to swallow, um, is when you start to realize that sometimes it is your reaction
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Um, and that's, that, that, that one's probably that, that's a real ego busting, uh, realization.
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Having to swallow your pride, especially when it comes to, it's not even necessarily pride,
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but it's like recognizing that ego part of it where you're like, oh, so I did play a
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Um, I think that that's interesting too, that like you said, like there's a lot of people
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who will use, um, things to try and not have to have those feelings.
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So you do drugs, you drink, whatever it is so that you're trying to avoid having to deal
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with the fields or any of the things that go along with, um, having those, um, feelings
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And when you remove those, those things, you once again have to have those feelings.
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And you don't have the option of having something to dumb them down or make you feel better,
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So like you said, like you actually have to deal with those things.
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So my question is as, as a grown male, and I'm using that term loosely, I guess, for
00:05:27.560
you, cause you're more, you're more like a foster player.
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That's just really big and can, you know, pretty much.
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It's funny though, because there's, and that's, this is, I mean, there's a reason why, you
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know, that you, and it's not maybe one reason, but I feel like that's one of the reasons why
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perhaps you're not currently in a, in a partnered relationship.
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And it's because of things like you have unresolved trauma, right?
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And it puts us in that where you have to recognize things and you're like, oh, fuck.
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So how do you, so how do you recognize that as a, as a grown man?
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Like I said, and what do you do looking at that to try and like, how are you trying to
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navigate through that in, in searching for your, your next partner?
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See, well, that's, that's, that is a really difficult question.
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I mean, looking back, the easier part is to look back and see the mistakes made the, I
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guess also where I've played a part in, cause I mean, we were, we were kind of chatting earlier
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and like, I've always put out that, that kind of pretending like being alone is fun and it's
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There's always that, that little bit where everything's a little bit more overwhelming
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because you've got all that extra shit to do yourself.
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And you, you don't have anybody to help take that load.
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But, um, it's also that being able to look back and just kind of understand that the way
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childhood went, the way, you know, the teenage years went, things like that, it's, it's been
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So rather than make the attempt to depend on somebody, I just put it all on myself and just
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Um, so, I mean, in terms of finding the next part that that's a tough one because I, I really,
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I can't answer that, um, because that, that's a really tough one to answer.
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Um, but it is, it's kind of at a stage right now where it's like, I'm realizing where I'm
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putting up my own blocks and where I'm kind of sabotaging myself, I guess you could say.
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Um, and is that because you're not, because you have, because you're just recognizing the
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things that you have to deal with, or is it because you're having to deal with them now?
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I think it's because I'm recognizing the dishonesty.
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Like I, I have been dishonest with myself throughout my entire life.
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Was it dishonesty or was it because you felt like that was what you were supposed to be
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doing because that's what people, people told you it was okay to be alone or it was, you
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know, I think it's just straight up dishonesty.
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And I think it's, it's a little bit of fear, um, because that, that's the one thing I learned
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when quitting drinking, um, is that the base reason for it is fear.
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Um, and the insane part about that is, is a lot of people would think that maybe it's fear
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Maybe it's fear of, you know, something like that.
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Um, which sounds fucked up, but the reality is, is that yes, success is scary because
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Like I remember being, uh, I was in an AA meeting at one point actually, and somebody had
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mentioned this and this is where I kind of came to that realization.
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Um, but he had mentioned something about an internal job posting, um, and that he had
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applied for it, but then he started worrying about whether or not he would get it.
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That job, because then it became, can I do that job?
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And you get comfortable in this one spot where, you know, nothing is really expected of you
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and you can just coast along and you don't have to take any risk.
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Um, and the, the fear is, is what guides all of that.
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You feel like you have to be something like the, the expectation is there and yeah.
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Well, and, and part of that is too, is, is being male.
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Um, part of that expectation is that we are strong, that we are, you know, we, we, we don't.
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Um, the societal expectations put on men are, are specific.
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And it, it, it is, it is difficult in a way because it's like, you, you do feel like in
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those down moments, you can't, you can't put that shield down.
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You can't allow anybody to see that because it's weakness.
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It's whatever, um, vulnerability is not a fun position to be in.
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Um, I, well, I don't think it's a fun position to be in for anybody.
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Um, but I, I do feel that especially, uh, for men, it is, it is extremely difficult and
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it's even more difficult to be so around other men.
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Yeah, there's a strong push for men to be men because men have lost that, um, that expectation.
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There's been a, you know, our society has shifted the expectations around men and what
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they're, um, what they're, what they're supposed to be and how they're supposed to, like, what
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And I think that that has done exactly the mixed messaging.
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It's just been, it's the damage is insane, but for, for, I think there's a, um, in our
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community, there's a lot of like the age demographic is older, right?
00:12:01.840
There's a lot of older people in our, in our community.
00:12:05.380
Um, I, I'm not older, but I mean, they're not, there's not a lot of 20 year olds that.
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But, um, I think it's interesting too, that you're seeing, or that we are seeing a lot
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of, uh, a lot of men who are being forced to, to stand up because they haven't had to
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in the past, you know, men are now expected to be men.
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Like I, like I said, like I, I would love more men to be men, but in order for that to
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Is that the women also are wildly confused about what their role was supposed to be.
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Cause for the last, you know, 40 years or 50 years, there's been that huge push of, you
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know, be independent, be a boss bitch and blah, blah, blah.
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And it's taken that the traditional societal roles of men and women where, you know, you're,
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when we grew up, it was, you know, you dreamed about meeting your husband and having a big
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wedding and having a family and, you know, going to Sunday dinners at your parents' house
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with your sisters and your cousins and your brothers and all the kids.
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And, you know, those are the things that we did when we were little and that we, we, we
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were raised to drink, like those were the things that we were aspiring towards as, you
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And then there was that weird push towards the opposite where it was be independent.
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You know, you don't need a man and you don't need a woman and blah, blah, blah.
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And then everything fell apart because that's not the, that's not the way it works.
00:14:07.840
Well, and a lot of this is like, there's definitely been an attack on the nuclear family
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and it's been that way for quite some time and having been somebody that has come from
00:14:20.320
Um, there was a, there was a video, one of the private video calls in the empire that
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Uh, we were kind of talking about the roles of men and women and, and so on and so forth.
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And I noted that for me, like I, I, cause Jeremy said something about those who have grown
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up without either a father or a mother or something like that.
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And I mean, I, I, I'm one who's basically grown up with neither.
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Um, now, thankfully I did have my grandparents for a bit there.
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Um, so I, I've always said that any bit of stableness or, or any, any goodness as I've,
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I've said it, uh, that is inside of me has come from them.
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Um, but the reality is, is that not having, uh, especially not having the mother, um, that
00:15:06.840
one was a tough one because I've come to this realization that without, without a good push
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from a woman, it's very difficult to find motivation.
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So for a kid who's gone through without that, that mother or, and father as well, because
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I think that's also a large problem in men these days as well as those of us that did not
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have that father and did not have anybody that actually showed us what the fuck being
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Um, which, you know, no, no offense to some of the mothers out there, but they don't do
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a very good job of teaching how to be a man, um, for obvious reasons.
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And, and it, and it's obviously been designed that way.
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Um, because, and going back to the messaging as well, I mean, you see the messaging of women
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are to be independent and then the messaging, the men is women are just going to try and
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So it's like this idea that it's like, they want us to be a part on all the issues.
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And that's the worst because it's like, and then you find that like, again, the people
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And yet we're put into this box that that's what, like, that's how we operate.
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Again, because it's like, we didn't like, we didn't ask for this.
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And now we're stuck in this box where it's like, I'm, we aren't all of the other people.
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And it's, again, like you said, like we're putting the expectation is, is that, you know,
00:16:58.540
women are going to take all your shit if you split up.
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And the expectation for women is that men are going to fuck you over and cheat on you.
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And you're going to be stuck in that relationship until you take all of their things and leave.
00:17:12.260
Well, and I think another part of it too, another part of it too, though.
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And I, and I love, uh, the one saying there where it's like men, men have been told how
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they're supposed to treat a woman and women have been told how to expect to be treated
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Like women aren't told how to treat a man and men aren't told what to expect for treatment
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See, I disagree with that because the way I was raised was opposite.
00:17:42.580
Like we knew what we were supposed to like, yeah, like I learned what I was supposed to
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The expectations put like, it was clear, but I think that was also because of the modeling,
00:18:02.560
Like, I mean, I saw my parents divorced, um, but I was also able to see what healthy family
00:18:10.240
dynamics looked like in, in other aspects of my life.
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So I see, I see what the, like what my responsibility is as a female partner.
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I know what my responsibility is as a female to my male partner.
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Like I know that I'm supposed to be, um, you know, I'm supposed to be the female.
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I'm supposed to be the, um, the support system for my husband or my partner.
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You know, I'm supposed to make sure that he knows that he's a man.
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You know, I, I don't understand how women have that mentality that emasculating their
00:18:47.560
partner is going to benefit them in any single way.
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Like there's women that, that find that, that like man bashing or emasculating somebody is
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going to raise them up or make them do something in their dynamic of their relationship when
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it's not actually the truth, you know, if you, you know, try and, and address or heal
00:19:09.180
your partner, because again, your job as the female is to heal your partner's wounds.
00:19:14.580
Like my job would be to support my partner in whatever it is that he's going through.
00:19:25.220
And the man's role is to protect and provide, right?
00:19:30.100
Like those are the, the balance things that are supposed to occur.
00:19:34.560
See, and I think a lot of that too, like going back to when you said the, the, that whole boss
00:19:38.920
bitch attitude, I think that that's where the problem kind of comes in, in that regard
00:19:44.300
is where it's this idea that that's how women are a boss bitch is that they have to emasculate.
00:19:51.240
They have to, you know, whatever, which, which is certainly not true because I mean, I, I
00:19:56.880
can certainly point to, uh, certain, certain women that I've noticed that I would consider
00:20:02.660
a fucking boss bitch, but they certainly don't do any of those things.
00:20:06.680
Um, like there, there's, to me, there's a difference between a, a strong woman, um, which I mean,
00:20:17.140
may be intimidating to some, um, and some woman who's taken that, that kind of boss bitch
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attitude as if she's just the shit and it doesn't matter what you do, but it's not necessarily.
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And I have this conversation with people a lot.
00:20:40.140
People find me intimidating because I am all of those things.
00:20:48.520
I, I think other people feel like I am most of those things.
00:20:54.640
Um, but I feel like if somebody can bring those things to the table, then the perception sometimes
00:21:04.740
or frequently is just that, that, you know, that I'm intimidating or that that person is
00:21:16.020
And then that's again, where you fall into that.
00:21:18.180
So because I'm able to support myself and do all the things that I need to do, because I don't,
00:21:24.960
just like you said at the beginning, I don't have anybody else that's going to do them for me.
00:21:27.920
I don't like, I don't depend on anybody because I don't have that luxury or that option,
00:21:34.120
So I had no choice, but to step into that boss bitch role, but that's not who I am.
00:21:48.520
And like, this is what I mean by saying, um, like I, I definitely know women that I would
00:21:54.200
consider, I guess that kind of boss bitch, but it's not that mentality of the feminism
00:22:02.140
I, I, I, when I use boss bitch, I mean like it, it is a strong woman that, you know, doesn't
00:22:08.400
take any shit, but at the end of the day, um, is going to be there and nurture and whatever.
00:22:17.740
I, I typically like that kind of stronger personality.
00:22:21.920
Um, it's just something that I'm, I'm a little bit drawn to.
00:22:25.240
Um, so I don't, I don't get intimidated by that easily.
00:22:31.240
Um, because I, I don't know, to me, I guess that just means that I know your spirit's not
00:22:40.820
I think that giving, but being present and powerful in your relationship is also important.
00:22:48.020
Like as the female, you need to be able to like, like Homestead Travelway says, you need
00:22:54.580
You need to be able to nurture your partner when he comes home.
00:22:56.400
So you can do all of the things during the day that require you to be in a position of
00:23:02.640
But the second I walk through the door of my house, I expect to be submissive.
00:23:08.820
I expect to be nurturing, submissive, and the female side of my relationship.
00:23:14.480
I expect to feel, you know, safe and, and appreciated and all of those things so that I can
00:23:20.380
be in the role that my natural role that I'm supposed to be in.
00:23:26.140
And I think that that's where it's intimidating, like you said, for, for people, because there's
00:23:36.140
men who are not capable of stepping up in the same way that a lot of women are able to
00:23:45.980
And if a man can't step into the role that the female is already doing, then they don't,
00:23:56.140
And I think attitude is, but it all, but that sucks.
00:24:00.720
That sucks for the men and it sucks for the women because we've both been forced into
00:24:04.820
these positions and neither can come to the place.
00:24:14.180
And I mean, I think a lot of, a lot of it is the, the attitudes that have been pushed
00:24:19.980
Like whether it be, let's say beauty standards for women, like those are pretty fucking,
00:24:29.500
Like, and as a man, I will say that, like, there are a lot of things that I see that
00:24:37.340
Um, and it just, it's baffling, especially when it comes to the media beauty standards.
00:24:45.480
Cause it's like, that doesn't, that doesn't even resonate with me at all.
00:24:55.740
Um, the shit, and it's mostly just to sell shit by the way, but.
00:25:02.880
Like I grew up in an age where things were starting to be edited in mainstream media and,
00:25:10.080
and, and what we had access to, because prior to that, I don't think there was any, like
00:25:17.160
the, the idea of being insecure in your own body and things like that.
00:25:25.140
I, it wasn't, you know, and then there was this big push that came out for, to have that,
00:25:33.340
like you said, like an, an unachievable ideal around the, the female archetype.
00:25:44.060
I think the sociologist that did a, a whole thing on, on like the sexual, sexualization
00:25:51.720
of, of, um, of females in media and things like that.
00:25:56.300
And it, it, it like shifted the perspective of what we were supposed to be and how we
00:26:04.460
were supposed to, you know, but also what you guys, what, what your expectations were.
00:26:09.300
And then, you know, and now the pictures are so, and the media and the things are so wildly
00:26:17.500
unrealistic and unachievable that it's, it's crazy.
00:26:21.020
I can't imagine being a child growing up in, in the era of, of all of these things that
00:26:26.960
are totally fake because it's like, you see pictures of, of women and they're like, and
00:26:40.980
Like, I get it that you're modeling, modeling underwear and bras and stuff, but I'm sorry.
00:26:49.380
Cause those have to be, um, in there somewhere, you know, like, what do you say?
00:27:15.760
No, but like beauty standards are fucking ridiculous though.
00:27:19.720
And they, they, they've done more than just try to sell products.
00:27:23.780
Um, like, like I, I, as a single dude, like I, I once in a while make the mistake of scrolling
00:27:31.320
through fucking Tinder or, or one of these, these dating apps.
00:27:35.360
And what's really infuriating is the fact that everybody's using a filter.
00:27:40.420
Everybody's everybody's everybody is also trying to put the best possible picture of themselves.
00:27:48.140
And it's like, no, honestly, to me, what makes more sense is here's, here's just a normal fucking
00:27:57.560
Like, this is what you're going to fucking get used to.
00:28:00.380
And this is what I can look like if I put some effort into it.
00:28:04.860
And, and, and this is where it's, because I, I've done this where it's like, okay, I've
00:28:10.680
talked to a girl online, you know, she looked okay.
00:28:16.620
And then you show up and you realize that she fucking used like five filters on her face
00:28:25.360
And it's like, first of all, that just starts everything off on dishonesty for one.
00:28:30.260
And second of all, it's like, my expectations were up here and you came in down here.
00:28:48.600
I will set the bar low so that I can come in high.
00:28:57.360
Like, I mean, it's pleasantly surprise you is what it is.
00:29:04.740
Just make sure that you, you know, do that six months.
00:29:12.400
Um, that whole like fucking, I guess you could call it love.
00:29:18.840
That, that idea where everybody pumps themselves up and, and does all these like incredibly sweet
00:29:27.760
And then that just fucking dies and it just goes away.
00:29:35.980
I've had these conversations with people before because I'm the type of person where.
00:29:41.700
Like, I don't like using the term, um, like love language because I think that's a weird.
00:29:50.780
Um, but the way that I show, like the way I'm affectionate and men are weak to objectify women, which is reduced the natural course of relationships with women.
00:30:07.200
And this is the reason why we're having this conversation.
00:30:41.260
So I'm the type of person where I like to, um, like when I see something for somebody, like if I'm in a relationship, I'm, I like to leave like love notes for my partner.
00:30:52.960
I like to give cards, um, and like just little tokens of, you know, love.
00:31:07.760
And the reason that I do that is because it makes me happy to know that the person that I'm with feels like the love that I'm, that I have for them, you know?
00:31:23.080
So the love bombing I get because I, I've definitely, I mean, I'm sure we've all been in a relationship where that has happened.
00:31:41.380
I have so much love to give that I just, that that's just who I am.
00:31:49.560
Um, like I'm not a, um, I'm not an overbearing, overwhelming person when I love somebody, but I definitely, I love with everything I have.
00:32:01.620
I mean, if, if you're consistent, then it's obviously not, you wouldn't use the term, I guess, love bombing in that, in that sense, or even honeymoon phase, if you will.
00:32:10.560
Um, but I do find though, that in a lot of, it's funny how a lot of relationships start off that way.
00:32:18.060
And it's almost like it's because you think that you have to, and then it just sets up such a false, uh, such a false view.
00:32:28.580
Um, well, yeah, because if you're not going to be able to sustain that, then you're going to feel like, well, the person who was receiving the love is going to feel like you're not getting as much love really.
00:32:43.520
Well, and I think the other thing, at least on the male side of things, I think that, uh, there's a lot of things that maybe we would like to do, but feel like maybe it's a little gay or, you know, would get made fun of if it was, you know what I mean?
00:33:02.280
You would be surprised at the amount of men that have the perception that their affection towards their partner is going to be perceived as.
00:33:36.420
I think, I think that was you or did we both freeze?
00:33:50.580
Give it a minute and we'll see if she comes back.
00:33:53.320
Otherwise, I'm just going to sit here and make stupid jokes, I guess.
00:34:04.640
I think Sarah's maybe got some tunnel juice or something.
00:34:33.580
As we wait, though, I think a lot of it is to just dishonesty, right?
00:34:41.620
Nobody, nobody wants to be honest with each other or how they feel or even themselves.
00:34:55.940
Uh, there's a lot of shit that has been used to demoralize us and destabilize us.
00:35:22.260
But it appears to be you, according to the chat.
00:35:43.620
Yeah, I was saying the thing about the weak men.
00:35:49.400
And I find it interesting because there's this whole thing where women are constantly shamed for their decisions outwardly.
00:36:08.100
However, I think that more men who, again, are displaying this weak, cowardly attitudes, I think they should be shamed.
00:36:39.620
I think, too, that it's part of the problem with hookup culture, too, right?
00:36:56.060
Because, I mean, I don't understand Tinder and the whole online data.
00:36:59.340
Who actually just wants to hook up with somebody?
00:37:01.480
Who, like, do you really just want to go fuck somebody and that's it?
00:37:09.820
I can say from my own experience, anyway, that typically it was done out of a fear of the relationship, for one.
00:37:19.280
Um, just didn't want to, didn't want to commit, didn't want to risk, um, that being vulnerable, didn't want to risk being, I guess, left, I guess, is the, the best way to put that.
00:37:36.060
And then, on top of which, obviously, we understand that we all have physical needs and such.
00:37:43.960
Um, and I also think it comes from a lack of affection as well.
00:37:47.340
But the problem is, is that once you do it, right?
00:37:52.700
And this is, at least in my own experience, I can't speak for everybody on this one.
00:37:57.060
Um, but in my own experience, post-nut clarity is a bitch.
00:38:02.520
Because you realize that, yeah, sure, maybe you, maybe you figured out that selfish need.
00:38:10.760
It's God slapping you in the face because you're not supposed to be doing that.
00:38:13.840
Yeah, it's, it's, you feel so fucking empty afterwards.
00:38:16.340
Exactly, it's why I'm going, this is why you're not supposed to do that.
00:38:21.360
So, if I, okay, correct me if I'm wrong and I'm, I'm wondering whether I heard you correctly.
00:38:27.040
So, you're telling me that there are people, men, however you want to put it, people, you're
00:38:32.700
speaking from yourself, um, who are not engaging in relationships in a, as a long-term expectation
00:38:42.420
out of fear of getting, um, like hurt, left, um, all of those things.
00:38:50.200
So, rather than, rather than take a chance on a relationship or be with somebody who you
00:38:57.580
think could have the potential to be a partner, you're sabotaging it before it can even get
00:39:02.780
started out of fear that it could go the wrong way.
00:39:05.680
Yeah, and there's an incredibly ironic thing here, um, as, as you're saying that, I'm, I'm
00:39:11.380
thinking about it, and the incredibly fucking ironic part of this is that we pretend it's
00:39:18.480
strength because we're like, fuck you, we don't need you, and, you know, this and that.
00:39:27.840
It's because we are too chicken shit to put it on the line and potentially have it go
00:39:38.920
That, that is, I mean, that's the honesty of it all.
00:39:59.000
So, self-sabotaging yourself for the fear of the unknown is never going to get you what
00:40:18.100
This is where I, I can come from my perspective and be able to be honest in that, in the sense
00:40:25.420
that, yes, like, because I've, I've done the whole, you know, I'm, I just, I just want
00:40:32.820
And then you realize that, no, no, you actually don't.
00:40:36.380
You want somebody to snuggle with and you want.
00:40:39.320
Friends with benefits is a, is a fabricated misconception that, that they wanted people
00:40:45.960
to think was going to work out because they were trying to sell fucking birth control
00:40:49.820
In my opinion, they were trying to push birth control.
00:40:52.280
So they were trying to push the idea that instant gratification and fucking around is
00:40:57.340
something that's going to, you know, work out well for everybody.
00:41:02.820
And, and it's like, and it's like going back to that idea of, you know, being vulnerable
00:41:08.260
or doing something nice for, for your partner, at least from the male perspective as being
00:41:12.940
Like, cause I can remember being in high school, right?
00:41:15.420
Like if, if a buddy was dating a girl and you know, he couldn't come and hang out with
00:41:20.440
us immediately, we were like, you're fucking whipped.
00:41:26.540
Um, and it's like guys that have been married for 35 fucking years though, isn't it?
00:41:31.740
Um, and it's like looking back on that though, it's realizing how stupid of a fucking statement
00:41:40.340
How dumb is it to make fun of somebody for loving someone else?
00:41:43.880
For showing them that they want to spend time with them, which is the, literally, it is
00:41:50.160
the biggest piece missing in so many relationships is time.
00:42:04.300
Um, it, it, it, it's like people think that they have a lot of it.
00:42:14.000
It's a currency that gets spent and you cannot get a refund.
00:42:19.680
Um, and it, it's like, I look at it now, like I'm going to be 42 this year and I'm not,
00:42:30.160
Just fucking wasted it on whatever ideals I thought I was supposed to take at whatever,
00:42:36.540
you know, whatever self-defense mechanisms I created.
00:42:47.220
Um, cause like, I know that I've done relationships where I just did them because I thought that's
00:42:53.320
Like it had, it had nothing to do with whether or not I was compatible with that person or
00:43:03.600
You need, you know, you live with somebody, you, you do these things.
00:43:10.380
Um, and which is a terrible idea, by the way, don't do it.
00:43:16.680
If you need a roommate, find a roommate for fuck's sakes.
00:43:21.680
But it is, it's this, this idea that we're supposed to suppress whatever feelings and emotions
00:43:27.220
that we have because the fear of maybe they're going to be used against us or, you know,
00:43:33.100
maybe we'll get made fun of or, you know, things like that.
00:43:42.640
That actually, you know what, that is, that's a much better perspective.
00:43:47.720
Um, it is, it is definitely a good perspective, but I also kind of look at it as, um, I, I
00:43:55.160
will say wasted just simply for the fact that to me, it kind of lights a fire under my ass
00:44:00.600
to realize that this next portion is not to be wasted, right?
00:44:10.200
This next portion is about allowing myself to, to be vulnerable, to be honest with myself
00:44:22.700
And, and like, that's, that's another reason why I'm fucking extremely glad that I quit
00:44:27.320
Um, because I never would have came to this without quitting drinking.
00:44:32.780
It's important to be able to have those reflections and actually deal and have the feelings, right?
00:44:41.040
And, and, and re the worst part about having to, um, work through your stuff is to have
00:44:51.200
And to have to go through those emotions again.
00:44:53.420
And the reason that you didn't deal with them before so that you could just put them
00:44:57.580
down and, and, you know, push them deep down inside.
00:45:00.920
And then when they come back up, you got to deal with them.
00:45:07.040
Um, like there, there is, I don't think there's anything harder than turning in inward and,
00:45:14.260
you know, and I said this last night, actually, it was, we were on a Twitter space.
00:45:18.440
It was, uh, me, nerdy and fairy were co-hosting it.
00:45:22.520
And at one point the topic of drinking came up because there was somebody who wanted to speak
00:45:27.980
that we kind of knew was probably going to be drunk.
00:45:30.560
Um, and then that turned the conversation to there.
00:45:33.780
And if there's one thing that I'm extremely grateful for in quitting drinking and being
00:45:40.020
able to turn inward and look into myself is that destruction of my ego.
00:45:50.120
But also that destruction of my ego is what allows me to sit here today and be able to
00:45:56.300
tell you that, you know what, when I was drinking, yes, I was a piece of shit.
00:46:00.040
I did some piece of shit things, um, that I am, I gratefully regret, um, that I am extremely
00:46:07.300
sorry for and that were so fucking out of character that they disgust me.
00:46:14.320
Um, and I have no problem admitting to these things.
00:46:18.300
I have no problem saying that I did them, especially because in doing so, if I can at least get one
00:46:25.480
other person maybe to quit drinking and to understand that, that, you know, and I'm only talking about
00:46:32.740
Drinking is a problem, obviously those of you that can socially drink, whatever, be, be your social drinker.
00:46:39.160
I might be a little jealous that I can't be, but I understand that I can't be and I won't be.
00:46:45.400
So, but for those of us where it is a problem and that it did dictate the way we lived and it dictated the way we felt, you know, it is definitely a good idea to fucking stop and then to try and look inward and take that, uh, that personal inventory.
00:47:02.660
If you will, you don't have a choice when you stop drinking, you have no choice, but to look inward because everything comes up all the things that you were not dealing with, they all come up and you have no choice, but to deal with every single one of them.
00:47:19.260
And then you have to sit there and you have to fucking, you have to sit in all of that.
00:47:24.960
And that's the hardest part about quitting because you literally have to sit there and accept all of the shit you did and all the people that you hurt.
00:47:36.240
Yep. And, and I can tell you right now, like in my, in my situation, personally, it's extremely difficult because I know like I could fucking go to the beer store at any time and none of you would know.
00:47:48.600
Yeah. Right. Like, I don't know, maybe, maybe you might see some fucking weird posts. Right. And that might give it away to some.
00:47:54.960
Um, but other than that, like if I, if I really wanted to, I could fucking keep it under wraps and, and I could go and drink.
00:48:01.620
But the thing would be is that the only person that I'm really lying to would be myself.
00:48:08.320
Right. And that's the only reason you're doing it.
00:48:11.020
Exactly. And, and this is why I have no problem saying that, you know what? Yeah, sure.
00:48:15.400
I started the journey of quitting drinking in 2019 and I have two slip ups.
00:48:21.060
Yep. Okay. There is twice now that I have said, fuck it. And I went and drank.
00:48:25.920
And another reason I admit that is because again, I, I just can't lie to myself because once
00:48:31.960
I start lying to myself, I'm fucked. Totally fucked. Right. Um, I, I, whether I'm lying to you guys
00:48:38.180
doesn't matter. Oh, you can't lie to yourself. Exactly. That, that's the one that right back
00:48:43.080
down that path. Exactly. And that, and I definitely do not want that path. Not that fucking all.
00:48:48.700
No. It's a, like just being numb is not, you know, it worked for a while there, I guess. Like I,
00:48:55.840
I did, uh, I can remember I fucking had some, some counseling there for a little bit.
00:49:01.700
Yeah. And I did find it interesting because she did say to me that while obviously I look back on
00:49:10.900
my drinking as, as a negative thing, the fact of the matter was that was my survival mechanism.
00:49:17.660
Yeah, absolutely. And it was the only way that I knew how, uh, to get past and to continue living,
00:49:25.520
um, without it, who knows what would have happened. Right. Right. But, and it was once that
00:49:32.540
perspective was given to me, it, it really changed a lot as well because I had never really considered
00:49:38.440
that. I always looked at it as my drinking was just a way to fucking avoid and, and, and be a coward
00:49:43.620
basically, which in some respect that is true. Sure. Um, but also it, it was a matter of, I was
00:49:52.440
not, I was not taught how to deal with my emotions. I was not taught how to cope with them. I was not
00:49:58.420
taught how to sit in them. So you didn't know how to survive otherwise. Exactly. And a lot of people
00:50:04.580
think that's why they do it. Yeah. Like I, I started this in like what fucking grade nine is when I really
00:50:10.360
started going hard with the booze. You know what you realize is that a lot of people continue to,
00:50:15.780
to stay in that cycle and that pattern because you're not alone. Right. Yeah. Breezy's right. It
00:50:25.000
was my cope. And, and, and that's, that's one thing I love about Breezy because me and her kind of get
00:50:30.540
that right. We, we can, we can have those discussions. I know that she knows exactly what I'm talking about
00:50:36.300
and that's, it's a difficult thing. Um, and that's why anybody that does quit and anybody that can
00:50:42.920
kind of stand up and talk about what they've gone through and, and all of that, like I, I give a
00:50:50.720
tremendous respect for it because it does take some courage. Oh, absolutely. Right. Like it, it ain't easy
00:50:56.860
to stand up and say, look, I was a piece of shit and I understand that I can take responsibility in
00:51:02.820
everything I've done. Yeah. Right. I, I understand that there's a lot of things that maybe weren't my
00:51:09.080
fault that happened to me, but I can say that the way that I reacted to them 100% is on me. Yeah.
00:51:19.260
Right. Um, whether I, whether I lashed out in anger, it doesn't matter if I had a right to be angry.
00:51:25.720
It's, it's, it's what you do with it. That is, is the fault of yourself. Yeah.
00:51:32.960
But yeah, it's one. Yeah. And, and, and, and this is why I do, I love the fact that I'm, I'm no
00:51:39.560
longer drinking because I do see all of this and I, I find it a little bit easier to be honest
00:51:43.700
how I feel and, you know, open up a bit. Cause I was always one that I wouldn't, nobody ever
00:51:51.000
fucking knew what was going on in my head. Never.
00:51:53.320
People didn't even know when I was doing any of the things that I was doing and that's
00:51:59.500
what made it. Nope. That's what makes it hard to stop sometimes because if people don't realize
00:52:13.500
and they don't see it, you don't have to stop. Right. Because if nobody could see what you're
00:52:22.080
doing, if you can hide it that well and nobody sees it, then it's not, it's not a negative
00:52:29.360
And that's, that's the thing is I was always good at hiding it.
00:52:32.560
Yeah. Um, I hit it for fucking years. Nobody had any fucking idea.
00:52:36.600
Yeah. Right. Like I, I was always the one that nobody ever worried about because I'm always
00:52:40.880
the one cracking jokes. I'm always the one that's, that's laughing.
00:52:44.060
Like, Hey, are you okay? Yeah. Right. Like the, the, uh, what's that one saying is like,
00:52:49.740
check on your funny friends. Yeah. That's a real fucking thing because I'm going to tell
00:52:54.800
you right now, majority of your funny friends, there's a reason we're funny. And I know that
00:53:00.860
for me, the reason that I crack jokes, the reason that I try to get people laughing is because
00:53:06.800
I completely fucking understand what it means to feel like you don't want to laugh, that nothing
00:53:11.720
is funny, that everything is shit. So if in those moments where I can make people laugh,
00:53:19.300
that is what makes me feel good because I feel like I've done something good in that moment.
00:53:26.920
I feel like if I can do that, then no one's looking at me. If I'm making other people laugh,
00:53:35.940
then I'm taking, I'm taking the, yeah, for sure.
00:53:41.720
Yeah. And I see, I see East coast saying that's me. You know what? It's true though. Um, and, and I,
00:53:47.120
and I think this is also why I'm drawn to a lot of the, a lot of the funny folks is because I kind
00:53:52.400
of understand we have an unspoken bond there. It's the trial. Yeah. Like we don't even need to
00:53:58.020
discuss it. We just know, we know that we get each other. We know that this is why we're funny and
00:54:05.860
we just keep doing it. Right. Um, trying to remember what that, uh, that rock, that one
00:54:12.260
Robin Williams quote has always got me where he's like, I don't know how much value I have in this
00:54:17.060
life. Um, but if I at least made one other person happy, you know, and that, that quotes always hit
00:54:23.780
me, hit me pretty good. Um, because it has made me realize that for as much as my humor is a cope
00:54:29.860
and it helps me cope with my own shit. It also helps others cope too. Yeah, it's true.
00:54:41.560
It's definitely true. Sorry. Fuck yeah, Alberta girl. That, that, I like that one. What does Diagalon
00:54:48.720
even do? We do this. This, yeah. Well, and actually, you know what? That is an excellent question. What
00:54:55.480
does Diagalon do? And lately I have looked at this idea of the community building aspect,
00:55:03.140
right? And, and by what I mean by that is building each other up, dealing with each other and, you
00:55:09.980
know, whether that's offering an inbox when somebody's, you know, going through something
00:55:15.940
or, you know, whatever it is, like I've always said, mine, mine are open. Right. Um, if,
00:55:23.180
if anybody needs it, then yeah, whatever. I, I don't have a problem. Even if you just want to
00:55:28.280
fucking rant and you don't even want a response, you just want to rant and not have it public.
00:55:33.580
And just so everybody knows, I yell at Johnny all the time. Absolutely. Most of the time he just
00:55:38.260
responds with something stupid. So if you want to just rant and say dumb shit, send him a DM because
00:55:44.540
he'll legitimately just message you back with the dumbest shit ever. Yeah. Like I'll, I'll offer you to
00:55:49.080
show, show, show my boobs. Cause I know boobs make me happy. So if you want, I will send you my boobs
00:55:59.900
it's, it's true though. The nice thing about this community is that there are, there are a lot of
00:56:07.060
people who, um, there's a lot of us who have, you know, same, sorry, similar stories. So, um,
00:56:19.080
it's nice to know that there are a lot of people out there, um, who can not only relate, but, um,
00:56:28.600
are willing to, to listen and to help. And I think that that's, I think that's really nice. I know
00:56:33.840
that there's definitely, yeah, I've done that with lots of people so far in this community. And I think
00:56:39.040
that it's wonderful that there's so many people out there that, that make the time. And again,
00:56:45.600
like I go back to the. Yeah. Who'd have, who'd have thought the stream would go this way, right?
00:56:57.480
Right. It is enjoyable. I will say that because there does need to be more,
00:57:05.120
more openness. I definitely don't need to be crying on camera. However,
00:57:10.800
this is a difficult conversation for me because just recently in the last month, I lost one of my
00:57:18.960
best friends to alcohol and that's been hard. So, um, I recognize that there's a lot of people out
00:57:30.520
there who, and there's, it's not just that, like, I'm not crying just because of that, but I wish that
00:57:40.780
more, uh, I wish that more people would reach out with me. Yes. Yes. And it's funny. Cause I mean,
00:57:49.480
I'm, I'm kind of bad at that too. Um, I am one that typically likes to just kind of keep to myself a
00:57:56.000
little bit, but I have noticed, I mean, there are a few people, um, that I have been able to
00:58:02.060
kind of open up a little more and let them in to understand kind of where I'm at. Right.
00:58:11.440
But that's also terrifying too, because it's also because we know that sometimes that can be,
00:58:18.440
that can be used as, as ammo against us, right?
00:58:22.480
It can worse than opening up to somebody than having, having them use that as munition back at
00:58:30.000
you. So sometimes that's scary too. And I get it. Well, and it is, and it, and it also goes back
00:58:36.520
to, and especially for those of us in the male side of things, um, it goes back to that idea that,
00:58:44.420
you know, you don't talk about it. You don't, you don't let others know that there might be a point
00:58:50.480
of weakness. And, and it's weird that it was drilled in that way, because again, I see the
00:58:57.460
irony in saying that that's weakness because to me, it takes a fuck of a lot more courage and strength
00:59:04.660
to look at somebody and say, look, this is what the fuck is in my head. Yeah. Right. Like, this is
00:59:11.520
what my head is saying to me. This is the thoughts that I have. And this is, you know, I am lacking
00:59:16.700
motivation. I am, you know, whatever it is that you're going through. Um, it is extremely
00:59:23.760
difficult. Yeah, totally. And there's a lot of people who are going through similar things,
00:59:35.440
right? That's, that's just it. Well, uncle, uncle Kenny serious with the whole get ahold of me
00:59:44.900
dropping his number. I'm not going to put it up on the screen necessarily, but
00:59:48.680
good on you though, uncle Kenny. I love that. I'm pretty sure most of our phone numbers are
00:59:57.640
available through CSIS or any hate. Yeah, probably. Um, but, and, and this is also why,
01:00:03.200
like, I do like to drop into, uh, like buddy check as an example in the empire every once
01:00:07.840
in a while, just kind of check on things there, see what's happening. Um, or if I notice, you
01:00:13.480
know, maybe, maybe somebody has got some weird posts or something, you know, just kind of
01:00:17.580
checking in or if somebody goes quiet as well. Um, that's, that's a big one. Right. And I,
01:00:24.540
I've done this myself where I do go through periods where maybe I kind of back away about it
01:00:31.340
and you don't see as much posting. And that usually is, is a sign that I'm kind of stuck
01:00:37.580
in my head. Um, that, you know, maybe things aren't so great. Um, it, it all, it all depends.
01:00:47.920
Heather's going to fight Jason. Oh, that should be good. Yeah. Maybe we should do it at the same
01:00:54.200
time as, as I take the belt from you. Oh God. It could be like a whole, a whole day of,
01:00:59.100
of ring matches. That'd be hilarious. Oh, it'd be so good. I'm going to smoke this.
01:01:05.960
I did come up with an idea of, I could do a match with, with Connor and have Breezy as the
01:01:10.600
special guest referee and I would get screwed over. I'd even have a bunch of you guys come
01:01:15.440
out and hit me with chairs or something. That'd be funny.
01:01:19.340
We could definitely get to make money for hitting you with chairs.
01:01:23.440
Ghostwriter hugs after your pushups. All right.
01:01:25.740
That's funny. Oh, and you've just missed a whole bunch of feels. That's, that's basically
01:01:33.820
what you're, what you're missing at the moment. That's all you missed. Just feels.
01:01:37.280
But I, and actually I'll be honest, this is one of the reasons why, like when you came up
01:01:43.240
with the idea that we would do a stream, I, I kind of liked it because I get to be a jackass
01:01:49.700
everywhere else. Not saying that I won't be here. So you're just going to be all feely
01:01:55.580
with me then? But no, but it's just, I know, I know that these conversations, I don't know
01:02:01.220
why, but they come very naturally when it, when it's us. So it, I don't know. I, I know
01:02:08.740
that I'm capable of having it. Exactly. This is why that's also true. Um, but it's just
01:02:16.220
one of those things, right? Like if I'm over with Tom, like half the time, I'm just being
01:02:20.760
a jackass. Same with, if I'm on with Chris or Island Jason, like once in a while, you
01:02:25.020
know, maybe there's a serious topic that we can broach and, and I can, I can get a little
01:02:29.540
serious, but typically I like to be the comedian. Um, and it is nice to every once in a while,
01:02:35.660
just have, have a genuine fucking conversation that actually is productive as well. Right?
01:02:44.000
Cause that's the other thing. Uh, we can sit here and shit talk all we want. Doesn't solve
01:02:47.880
much. Um, but actually having a real conversation about real shit. Um, even if it only helps one
01:02:56.420
person watching who gives a fuck, it was still productive.
01:02:59.220
It's, it's true. I feel like that was a almost productive conversation. Yeah. Someone
01:03:09.320
anyway. I mean, we learned uncle Kenny's number, so there's that.
01:03:18.160
I'm not putting my phone number in the chat just so everybody knows. Yeah. I mean, I I've
01:03:22.700
thought about it. Maybe, maybe I should start sending uncle Kenny some boob pics. Jesus.
01:03:32.060
Like, here you go. Uncle Kenny right here. I'm not saying anyone. Hey, I'll be your aunt
01:03:40.000
bunny. Jesus Christ. I can goonie goo goo. Uncle Kenny. You're ridiculous. Well, I am. And I've
01:03:52.680
figured I'd bring a little levity to it. You know, let's get a little laugh here.
01:03:56.480
Just a titch. Yeah. Yeah. But I have no more cries underneath my eyes. Perfect.
01:04:04.240
Peppermint says he has a pipe like yours. Oh yeah. My Gandalf pipe. Speaking of pipes,
01:04:10.160
I better get one in myself actually. It's my little Gandalf pipe. I love it.
01:04:14.260
It is pretty sweet pipe actually. Yeah. I just use it for smoking crystal or whatever
01:04:21.180
it's called. Not crystal meth. Just so we're clear. Like crystal. Yeah. Well, it's funny
01:04:27.680
because people call it different things. I call it hippie crack. Hippie crack. Yeah. But
01:04:31.440
if I say hippie crack, I feel like a lot of people don't know what hippie crack is. So
01:04:34.840
I just say crystal because I mean, that's what it is. It's the crystal trichomes. What I don't
01:04:38.980
understand is the fucking kids who call it Keef. What the fuck is that? Where did that word
01:04:42.840
even come from? It sounds like Keef. So that's why I can't say it. Exactly. It's stupid.
01:04:54.520
That's just, that's, this is another thing too. Like you see it in the chat here. Everybody
01:04:58.280
kind of saying like, if you need to reach out that, that is one of the things that I really
01:05:02.160
do actually love about this community is there is a number of people. Oh yeah, absolutely.
01:05:09.560
Absolutely. That are willing to sit down and have those conversations that are willing
01:05:13.600
to. Totally. I've had wonderful conversations with people who have reached out to me just
01:05:17.680
to have a, uh, an ear. Right. I think it's great.
01:05:25.160
East coast Canadian. When I was a kid, the homeless guys carried a brown paper bag. Now they yell
01:05:31.440
it trees. It's actually funny. Cause that reminds me when I was a kid, I was living
01:05:37.520
in St. Thomas and there was a guy walking down the road. He was actually fighting the
01:05:41.540
tree piece. That's good. Yeah. It was really interesting. Um, he would walk up to the tree.
01:05:47.840
He would then say something to the tree. He would then motion to the tree to bring it
01:05:52.660
and then start swinging. Okay. I don't make drugs like that anymore. Now they just see
01:06:03.240
like zombies and stuff. Yeah. And I mean, addiction is rampant, right? Yeah. But it's
01:06:10.880
not even, it's not addiction. Like it used to be like people used to have like, you know,
01:06:16.820
cocaine addictions and stuff where they just danced a lot and sweated. And now they're addicted
01:06:23.320
to like fentanyl and stuff where they're punched over like dead people on the road. And then
01:06:31.320
they die because they're, you know, hearts and everything else stop because that's what fentanyl
01:06:36.980
does is it stops your organs from functioning. It puts them in a stain. Yeah. Well, and you
01:06:44.580
look at the opiates as well. I mean, the opiates are another huge, massive problem because when
01:06:49.080
you take them long enough, it actually rewires your brain. Oh, fully aware. Yeah. Uh, pharma
01:06:56.660
is definitely the biggest other than, well, where we live, our biggest threat is migrants. But
01:07:05.640
other than that, I think pharma is the next big one for sure, because it doesn't matter where
01:07:14.560
you look or where, what you try to consume or however, well, you know, anything, it's all
01:07:24.260
pharma. It's all, it's all somehow, it all goes back to the same places, the same companies,
01:07:31.640
the same places. So they have their hands in everything, right? Everything from what is the
01:07:38.520
paint on your walls to the laundry soap, to the clothing, to the, um, the vitamins, the
01:07:47.140
food, the water, everything. Right. The school, what books you can read at the library. It doesn't
01:07:56.780
even matter. They have literally got their hands in every single aspect of human existence. And
01:08:03.220
yeah. Well, it's interesting too, because there, there was a long period of time there where I
01:08:10.400
didn't really get the idea that diet, for example, is something that affects mental health.
01:08:18.080
Cheese and crackers. And, and you look at what's pushed in terms of diets and, and things like that,
01:08:24.980
right. Yeah. And it's been convenience and more and more things of health value and, um, nutrition
01:08:34.740
removed from those things. And then all of the chemicals and the pharmaceuticals, all of those
01:08:42.720
things that are now manufactured are replacing said natural ingredients and flavorings and things like
01:08:49.760
that for the guys of convenience and better, um, like it's diet stuff or it's better for you, or it's
01:08:57.440
a cheaper, it's a cheaper alternative in production. And it's almost like they, they tried to do it in
01:09:03.300
such a way that people didn't notice, but a lot of people noticed. And now you can't deny the noticing
01:09:09.560
because so many people now have all of the things that didn't exist, the issues, health issues that
01:09:16.820
didn't exist 40 years ago or 50 years ago. Like it's insane. You can't deny it. What's up, Jason?
01:09:24.960
Powerful. Um, these, these fucking streams, man, they just, I don't know. You don't expect them to
01:09:32.780
come up like this. And then it's, it's, uh, you know, I lost my niece, I lost my niece. She was, uh,
01:09:41.540
17, she's a good little kid and, um, fuck man. It just hurts to think about. I, uh, yeah, she was at a
01:09:50.420
party with some friends and decided to do a rail and fucking overdose and died and found her dead in
01:09:56.400
the morning in a 17 year old, beautiful 17 year old girl. And, uh, yeah, it's, uh, it's so fucking
01:10:05.720
fragile, man. You know? Yeah. Like I'm, I'm currently in my current situation, right? Like
01:10:14.860
obviously I take care of my nephew. Um, and as much as I fucking hate to say it, the reality
01:10:22.940
is, is I am waiting any day now to get that call that says that his mother is no longer
01:10:31.100
with us because there's, I like that video that Jeremy had posted the other day where
01:10:38.640
talking about addiction. Like if, if somebody doesn't want the help, you're not going to
01:10:44.260
get it to them. No. And unfortunately my sister is one of those people that I've tried. I tried
01:10:52.660
to do a lot there. Actually, I did a lot that nobody else would. Like I was told heading into
01:10:56.860
this. I'll be honest. I had a conversation with my grandmother and my grandmother told
01:11:02.820
me just to leave this alone. That my, my sister was beyond anything and that it was not worth
01:11:10.300
it to, to enter into this and try. Um, now I don't want to say that I should have listened.
01:11:17.860
Um, because I don't believe that I believe that I still should have made the effort. Um, but
01:11:23.540
I can say that having made that effort, she was right. Um, my sister does not want the
01:11:29.520
help. She wants somebody to do it for her. And unfortunately this has led to a lot of
01:11:37.060
problems. Um, I tried to have her come and sit with like, come and visit her son whenever
01:11:42.920
she wanted. Right. And that was something that she wasn't getting before. I thought that
01:11:46.980
maybe, maybe that would be enough. Um, unfortunately it ended up getting to a point where I couldn't
01:11:54.200
tell if she was high or not. So I realized there was a massive conflict of interest there
01:12:00.220
because on one hand, I don't want to tell my sister she can't see her kid. But on the
01:12:04.180
other hand, I have a duty to the child to keep the child safe and protected from shit like
01:12:10.520
that. Um, so that's when I told her, okay, you gotta do, you gotta, you gotta call the access
01:12:15.640
center and do supervised access because I cannot be the one to determine whether or
01:12:21.100
not you're high, whether or not you're safe to be around the child because it's way too
01:12:25.180
much of a conflict. Um, and ever since then she just has not been around. Um, and I feel
01:12:30.760
that she's gone a lot further and a lot deeper and it's an unfortunate thing, but there's literally
01:12:39.200
nothing I can do about it until she gets to a point where she wants to do something about
01:12:43.940
it. I mean, you can't, I can't imagine what my mother went through, like watching me as
01:12:54.980
a, as a, you know, as a child, she used to tell me that, you know, the phone would ring
01:12:58.860
in the middle of the night and she was worried. And I don't, I don't know. I got lucky, man.
01:13:04.900
I don't know how I'm alive. Right. Like the shit that, I mean, I wouldn't probably be alive
01:13:10.280
if I was growing up in this stage because the way we behaved was just crazy. There's
01:13:15.780
no, I didn't think I was going to make it to 25, nevermind 45 or 48 now, but you know,
01:13:21.600
just didn't fucking think I was going to make it that far. And man, it's so, I don't know.
01:13:30.140
I don't think about my niece enough, you know, I've gone and it's one of those things I don't
01:13:34.140
like to think about, I guess, but I remember. Yeah. I just, I just, I have my son's 25 years
01:13:41.960
old and he's homeless and he's running around and I know he's, he told me the other day he
01:13:46.560
smokes crack. And I'm just like, fuck, what are you doing? Like fucking what's your plan?
01:13:50.960
Like you don't even have a bloody house. Oh, well, you know, I made so much money fishing
01:13:55.120
and I'm, I'll be fine. And it's like, no, you're not, you don't even have a home. Like
01:13:59.820
you can't stay at my house because I'm not going to allow you to fucking do drugs in my
01:14:02.880
house. I'm sorry. I can't do that here. I'm not going to let you like, you're not welcome
01:14:07.080
in my house when you're on drugs or after you've done them, which is probably every fucking
01:14:11.760
minute of the day. So, so painful. It's so fucking painful. And the worst part is the
01:14:18.320
helplessness, right? Because you, you want to, you want to go in there, you want to fucking
01:14:24.860
slap them so fucking hard and be like, what the fuck are you doing? But you know, that
01:14:31.120
doesn't help. He's over the other night and, and, and I've kind of left, lost it on him a
01:14:35.600
little bit. And I'm like, what the fuck? And I was giving him shit, you know, like you got
01:14:38.560
to figure something out. And he, cause the town that we live in is horrible for, for
01:14:43.280
these kinds of problems. I mean, it's, it's poverty every look. And I told him like, you
01:14:49.020
got to get out of this fucking town, like go to Alberta, get a job, you know, just go
01:14:52.320
work somewhere and, and, you know, work your way out of it. And he's like, oh, it doesn't
01:14:56.500
matter where I go. I seem to find it. I'm like, yeah, you will. Because it, the problem
01:15:00.520
isn't the geography. The problem is you. But I think if you had a job or you had some
01:15:05.800
sort of purpose rather than just walking around, hanging around with a bunch of
01:15:08.520
fucking skids, you know, like he comes to my house and I feel so bad for him. I
01:15:14.440
grabbed my wallet. I had 40 bucks in my wallet and I gave it to him. And I'm
01:15:17.160
like, don't fucking ask me for any more because this is it, man. Like go get a
01:15:21.640
fucking bus ticket. Get the fuck out of here, man. You're going to die.
01:15:25.740
And to, to wilds comment here, do I imagine the worst when I don't know where
01:15:29.480
she is? I never know where she is ever. I don't have a, like, I have no clue, no
01:15:37.200
clue whatsoever. She has no phone. She's, I've got no way to get ahold of her.
01:15:43.120
You know what? That, that's actually something that I should probably work on
01:15:47.840
a little more. That's a difficult situation for me though. I mean, the one
01:15:53.080
nice part is at least his dad comes around. Like I always say his dad's kind of
01:16:00.800
useless, which is true. Yes. Um, but at the very least he does come around. Um,
01:16:09.060
like he picks him up in the mornings for school. He, you know, he sometimes picks
01:16:12.820
him up after school. He'll take him for weekends. You know, he he's at least
01:16:16.880
there. Um, so that is okay. But I do know that like somewhere deep inside it's
01:16:24.680
fucking him up and I know it because I was like, there's a big reason I didn't
01:16:30.280
say no to this kid. And that reason is because I was that kid and I know what
01:16:42.780
it's like to feel like nobody wanted you. So when the opportunity came, I thought
01:16:52.500
about it long and hard and I knew that I had to, there was a right for me answer
01:16:59.520
and there was a, just what is right answer. The right for me answer was to say
01:17:05.460
no and not do it and just focus on myself and, and do that. But I knew that that
01:17:13.620
wasn't the right answer. And to do the actual right thing would mean, you know
01:17:20.620
what, I'm going to have to sacrifice something here and I'm going to have to
01:17:25.800
take this kid. And that's, that's where it went. Right. Um, you know, are there
01:17:34.520
some difficulties here and there? Of course there is. Um, you know, nothing,
01:17:38.820
nothing is ever smooth sailing. Um, but overall I certainly don't, I certainly
01:17:45.640
don't regret doing it. The kids, he's a great kid. Um, you know, he's got a great
01:17:50.600
sense of humor, you know, he listens extremely well. Um, and he, and he's
01:17:56.120
extremely polite. Um, and it is very, it's unfortunate that his mother can't do
01:18:03.980
more, I guess, to kind of fix this situation. But, you know, it's kind of one of
01:18:11.460
those, it is what it is. And I, I just have to continue to do what, whatever I
01:18:19.300
Well, let's just hope that she comes around one day and gets her shit together
01:18:24.320
I'd like to believe that, but I don't, um, it's so fucking hard to get out of
01:18:31.200
man. Like I, even sometimes today I'm like, I don't know why I, how I quit using
01:18:36.200
cocaine. I just don't understand. Like, I know I went to a treatment center five or
01:18:40.260
six times to get off it and it just never took. And the, the only thing I can
01:18:44.680
chalk it up to is that I changed my life by moving in with the girl I'm with
01:18:48.580
now. And we just don't, it's just not around. We just don't do it. I mean, I
01:18:53.440
got a thousand dollars sitting in my wallet right now. I could go and buy as
01:18:56.940
much cocaine as I wanted, but that's not even, doesn't ever cross my mind, you
01:19:00.980
know, ever. So I don't know how I got away from that. I guess, I guess love from my
01:19:05.940
wife that was the, the antidote to the hole that I was trying to fill with the
01:19:12.320
Well, it's like a, like I mentioned earlier, um, there's something that I guess
01:19:23.980
I'm trying, I'm trying to figure out how to word it, but, um, the motivation that
01:19:28.780
a woman can provide, um, I guess is incredible to be perfectly honest. Um,
01:19:36.700
and you really notice it when you've never had it, right? It's one thing if
01:19:41.100
you've always had it your entire life, you've always had a loving mother, you've
01:19:44.400
always had sisters that, you know, whatever. Um, but at the same time, when,
01:19:50.920
when you haven't had that, you understand that it's very fucking difficult to dig
01:19:56.600
up motivation when there's, when there's nobody there to push you, when there's
01:20:00.740
nobody there, um, no, no point of accountability. Yeah. Right. Like it's a,
01:20:07.280
it's almost like there, there's no reason to do anything. You're, you're
01:20:10.940
purposeless and that's a problem. Do you think maybe that's part of the reason
01:20:16.500
why they want to fucking destroy the family unit so, so much because they, I
01:20:20.800
think it's, yeah, it's part of it, man. I mean, yeah, like I, I saw something,
01:20:25.880
um, I'm trying to remember how they worded it. Um, but like in terms of, in
01:20:31.300
terms of men anyway, um, those who grew up without a father are angry, but those
01:20:38.940
who grew up without a mother, um, typically do not like, they do not believe
01:20:45.260
their needs are important. True. Right. Yeah. It's like their, their needs have
01:20:51.560
never been attended to because they haven't had that nurturing.
01:20:54.180
They've had to self-soothe. Exactly. And, and self-soothing leads to things like
01:20:59.780
addiction and, or, or on the, the other side of things, uh, self-soothing can
01:21:06.720
also lead you to a life of trying too hard. Yeah. Right. Working too hard at
01:21:13.560
things and yeah. Perfectionism. I went through that phase for a long time. I mean,
01:21:19.840
I was the manager of a car dealership in Vancouver that had, you know, 12 million
01:21:25.560
dollars worth of inventory on the lot. And I thought I was the king of the
01:21:28.660
fucking crack because, you know, I was making 200 grand a year. And then, and then
01:21:33.300
one day I just realized that, Holy fuck, man, this is not me. And we left the city
01:21:37.760
and we moved back to the Island with my children. And, uh, it's, it's just strange
01:21:42.940
how we can value ourselves for things that aren't even real. Like I thought that was
01:21:46.600
what I was supposed to be doing. You know, here I am living in fucking Richmond, which
01:21:49.900
is like chink capital of the world. And, uh, my, my daughter's the only blonde haired
01:21:53.860
girl in the whole school. Right. And, uh, and I'm happy there. I think I'm paying $5,000
01:21:58.700
a month in rent, you know, it's just crazy shit. It's like, what the fuck? Yeah. It's
01:22:03.780
in a basement broadcasting about it. Yeah. Yeah. And you thought you were happy, right? It's
01:22:09.380
because it's what everybody else was doing. Yeah. My ex, my ex-wife was a horrible fucking
01:22:13.580
person too. And I just thought that that's what I, that's what marriage was. Yeah. You
01:22:19.200
spent lots of money. You went to all the right parties, you shook the right hands, you smiled
01:22:23.260
at the right people. And then you got home at the end of the day and you did it all over
01:22:27.340
again. And then you wake up one day and you look at it and you're like, this is fucking
01:22:31.060
empty, hollow. I had small children and I couldn't even stand being at home. You know,
01:22:37.540
I'd go to work at five in the morning and get home at 10 o'clock at night. So they would
01:22:40.940
be asleep and no wonder marriage didn't work out. Yeah. They're hard realizations to come
01:22:49.680
to. Very. Yeah. Yeah. Like I've spent the last, like what, three, four years now coming
01:22:57.740
to a lot of hard realizations. I mean, that's how we started this conversation, right? That
01:23:03.340
as we come into these places in adulthood where we realize and recognize what happened and how
01:23:09.520
those things affected us in childhood and how they come up in adulthood. And they all
01:23:13.300
just start to come up and we don't, and we're like, oh, good. So now we have to deal with
01:23:19.260
this. And then you're faced with it and you have no choice, but to deal with those things.
01:23:29.000
Well, it's also funny too, because like you, you spend a lifetime just believing like you're
01:23:34.780
different somehow. Right. Um, like that you're the only one experiencing this, that, you know,
01:23:43.900
things like that. Yeah. You're unique. Terminally unique.
01:23:49.240
Wait, that's the wrong one. I'm trying to send trad wife. Uh, don't that first one's stupid. Don't
01:23:56.960
do that one. Don't do that. Yeah. I know it's wrong. Like I know, I know I'm an idiot. Hold
01:24:01.420
on. I'm getting it. Admitting it is the first step. Yeah. Right. Yeah. This is all about honesty
01:24:06.940
here. Um, I'm an idiot. No, but you just, you just made a good point, Sarah. You just said that
01:24:17.840
admitting it is the first step, but let me tell you, let me add onto that a little bit. If you
01:24:22.380
actually read what the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous says, it doesn't say we admitted.
01:24:26.360
It says, it says we admitted we, so you can fucking admit it to yourself all day long, but until you
01:24:32.180
talk about it with somebody, with another human being or your God, your higher power, whatever it be,
01:24:36.940
it's just going to sit there and fester. You can't fix your fucking own brain. It's like our
01:24:40.260
government can't fix itself. Our military can't fix itself. You have to help each other. I'll tell
01:24:44.540
you right now that that specific step you're talking about. Um, now I did go to AA. I did not
01:24:50.160
get through all of the steps necessarily, but I did get to that one and holy fuck. You're talking
01:24:58.120
about step five? Uh, well, it's step four and five really. Like it's kind of that combination
01:25:03.380
of them, the taking the self inventory, the, you know, admitting to you, God and another
01:25:08.860
person, the wrongs that you've committed. Um, things like, like that is where, when I talk
01:25:14.480
about my ego has been destroyed, that was what did it. Um, it was looking back on all of the
01:25:25.320
different things. And like, it was a rough moment too, because I also, like, I didn't really
01:25:31.340
know where to go with it because I was kind of doing it on my own, um, for the first little
01:25:35.100
bit. And I found this, yeah, I found this like workbook that kind of, it would ask you
01:25:41.820
questions and they tell you to write it with pen and paper because writing with pen and
01:25:46.700
paper is a better way of transferring those feelings out. Um, and there were some fucking
01:25:51.040
tough questions in there, man. Like made me think of things that I had not thought about
01:25:59.500
in a long time and took me back to moments, um, where I got to feel exactly what I felt
01:26:06.980
in that moment all over again. And that scared the fuck out of me. Um, like I am not going
01:26:15.320
to lie there. There was, there's one, one in particular that I just step away because it
01:26:21.260
kind of broke me a little bit. And that was to, I was asking in childhood, um, if you've
01:26:29.040
ever had like suicidal thoughts or anything like that. And that took me back to a moment
01:26:36.280
where I was sitting on the bottom bunk of my bed. I think I would have been about seven.
01:26:44.040
I had a kitchen knife and I sat on my bed with that kitchen knife to my wrist
01:26:57.240
And so when that question came up and I had to come back to that moment, like that fucking killed
01:27:17.000
I mean, it is what it is, right? I was, I was a child that had absolutely no idea how to deal
01:27:23.340
with feelings. I had no idea how to deal with what I was looking at. And worst of all, and I realized
01:27:28.400
this as an adult now, hindsight being what it is, I didn't see what I had, which I think
01:27:37.360
is the bigger problem. Because at that point in time, sitting in that room as that seven
01:27:42.620
year old child, I had grandparents out in the living room. They were doing their fucking
01:27:49.360
damnedest for me. They were working their ass off to make sure that I felt welcome and make
01:27:55.360
sure that I felt loved and to make sure that I got to do things. But I just didn't see
01:28:00.320
it. All I saw was I don't have my mother. I don't have my father. And that fucked me up.
01:28:12.980
Yeah. Like I went through like a similar thing, but I was, I was quite a bit older and like my
01:28:18.800
parents were always separated since before I could remember. So I always had like this longing
01:28:22.500
to have my dad around, but I had my stepdad who like took me in as his own. Right. And
01:28:29.400
but there was this time when I was like 15 years old, where my mom went through like a
01:28:34.340
midlife crisis and ended up like, she ended up like encouraging me to drop out of school
01:28:39.020
and like quit my job. And then all of a sudden I'm like living in this house that she rented
01:28:43.340
by herself. And all I have to eat is like fucking canned corn and shit like that. And she like
01:28:48.440
wasn't talking to me. And like, she's like, the only way I could see you is if like, we
01:28:53.040
don't talk about shit from the past. And like, it really fucked me up. Right. Cause I'm like
01:28:56.940
turning into a woman and I'm like, don't have my mom there. And so for a lot of, a lot of
01:29:02.940
my life, like I held a lot of resentment to the point where I didn't even talk to her for
01:29:07.120
a long time and just totally cut her out with like totally not let her contact me and stuff.
01:29:12.300
But then I came to a point when my son was about four years old, where I had had like
01:29:18.880
now my own experience with my children. And I thought to myself like, holy fuck, man,
01:29:24.120
like my mom is just a human being, like a soul in a meat suit. And she went through some things
01:29:32.160
that really fucked her up. And like, I can actually now like find forgiveness for that
01:29:36.500
and not just totally hold like this grudge against her for not being there and stuff and move
01:29:41.680
on. And in doing that, it's made me a better person, even though it's been like incredibly
01:29:45.740
painful and it was incredibly painful all those years. And, and like my sister's going through
01:29:52.380
the same thing right now. She doesn't have kids yet, but she can't see that like mom was,
01:29:56.340
was actually doing her best because her mother was very abusive. So she didn't really know how
01:30:01.580
to be a good mom. And, and I turned out good. And my sister turned out a pretty good person
01:30:06.220
too. And I say that to her all the time. Like, even though our parents fucked up, like you
01:30:10.680
have to find forgiveness for it, that they are just a human being too. And they probably
01:30:16.320
did do the best they could, you know, and for yourself too. Like you have to be able
01:30:21.560
to forgive yourself for the things that you had to go through. Right. Yeah.
01:30:27.900
Well, I think coming to terms with our parents is, is definitely key to being an adult. I mean,
01:30:34.080
it's, I couldn't imagine not having parents. Like I grew up, I had a step, stepdad and a mom,
01:30:38.920
and it was a pretty caring house. I think like we weren't rich, but it was just like a working
01:30:43.840
house. And I, I always remember my mom always being there for me, but my father, my biological
01:30:50.660
father, all I was taught as like a little boy was that he was a drug addict and he was abusive and
01:30:56.980
my mom couldn't be with him cause he, he hurt her. Right. And, and then we never, she kept him away
01:31:02.880
from me. He was trying to contact me growing up and, and he, and, and she kept him away from me because
01:31:07.640
she was afraid that he was going to try and, you know, get custody and take me back to the United
01:31:11.780
States or to Israel, wherever they were. And then, um, and then, uh, I got a book when I was about 19
01:31:19.800
years, I got a package in the mail when I was, I was just turned 19. My mom gave it to me and it,
01:31:24.700
it's, it was a book and it was titled is alcoholism hereditary. And then it said, you know, that he'd been
01:31:29.620
in AA for 25 years now or 20 years or whatever he'd been in and that he was sober and he was changed
01:31:34.640
his life. And, you know, he really wanted, and there was a plane ticket to Israel in there.
01:31:38.960
And, uh, and my mom didn't give me the plane ticket though. She didn't tell me about that
01:31:44.240
cause she was worried I would fucking go. And I probably would have at the time, but then I,
01:31:47.880
so I never spoke to him until I was about 37 years old. And I was, I remember I was in this motel room,
01:31:52.460
this logging camp motel room and, uh, and the phone rang and it was him and he'd got my number from my mom.
01:31:59.580
My mom had given it to him and I talked to him and we agreed, oh yeah, this is great.
01:32:03.460
We got to keep in touch. We have another conversation and I never heard from him again.
01:32:07.580
So I was a little bit fucking sad about that. You know, that old feeling of not being good enough
01:32:11.860
again, just fucking rooted right back up. But then he died like, uh, I don't know, a couple of years
01:32:17.320
ago now, but he died. And then for whatever reason, when he was gone, I automatically, I just felt this
01:32:22.160
relief. Like it didn't fucking matter anymore. Like it was, you know, he's got it. He had another family,
01:32:27.740
a Jew wife and two kids and they live in a different country, but it just didn't matter
01:32:34.840
anymore to me that that pain just, I don't know. And now today I can look and I can say, you know
01:32:39.020
what, I may not be the best father, but I'm fucking a sight better than the father I had. And you know,
01:32:44.260
if that's all I can do, then all I can do. Right. I just spent, you know, a couple nights with my son
01:32:48.460
out in the bush and fuck, what a gift. The fact that I was able to actually even be there with him
01:32:53.020
where I think back, you know, and I tell my kids, it's like, you know, your parents aren't perfect,
01:32:58.440
but some people don't have any parents and that's, that's a fucking chore. So, you know, you have,
01:33:04.380
you have a dad that loves you. You have a mom that's a fucking idiot, but she loves you, you know? So
01:33:08.740
I don't know. It's hard to tell a kid you should be grateful for what you have, but
01:33:13.440
I don't think we realize that until we're older, you know, until we're parents ourselves or, you know?
01:33:19.020
No, it is definitely tough. Like, like, it's funny because I, like with my own mother,
01:33:29.120
there's certainly nothing solved there. I can, I can say that. Like I've, I've made, I've made
01:33:37.120
attempts, but they've all kind of ended the same and it's gotten kind of frustrating, but
01:33:43.440
I, I can at the very least, like, I sort of understand it, I guess. Um, like I, I get
01:33:51.840
that shit wasn't easy for her and I understand that. I mean, obviously having, um, been a father
01:33:58.400
and now also taking care of my nephew, I understand this whole parenting thing is not fucking easy.
01:34:03.400
Um, it is hard and half the time you're just fucking making it up as you go along. Um, but
01:34:10.520
it's, it's so like, there, there's that part of me that is forgiving of that, but there's also other
01:34:18.840
things that happen that I still am having a very, very difficult time in, in finding that forgiveness.
01:34:27.020
Yeah. It's super hard. I don't think you need to, I'm sorry. Um, I was going to say, I was going to
01:34:35.400
say, you don't need to forgive her so much. You need to forgive yourself because what she's done
01:34:40.340
is her, is her side of the street and there's nothing you can do about that. It's happened.
01:34:44.320
It's over. And that, that's what I came to terms with, with my dad was like, you know, he told me
01:34:48.500
that he had tried to, he had tried to contact me many times. My mom just basically blocked him from
01:34:53.960
being in connection with me. And for a bit, I felt resentment towards my mom. Like,
01:34:57.700
how can you do this to me? You lied to me, you know? And she was, she was very apologetic,
01:35:02.760
but she's like, you know, I just did it to protect you because I didn't know what you would do.
01:35:06.180
Like I did. So, and then I realized that she'd done the best job that she could do with what she
01:35:12.180
was equipped to do it with. Right. She had a fucking crescent wrench and she stripped a couple of nuts
01:35:16.660
with it, but that's what fucking happens. Right. So that doesn't mean I I'm perfect, but I mean,
01:35:23.740
I'm able to have that freedom now of knowing that it wasn't Jason that my dad didn't like.
01:35:29.120
It was, it wasn't Jason that my mom didn't like. It was a protection, you know, a defense mechanism
01:35:33.860
that my mom didn't know what else to do. She didn't, she was afraid for my safety. So how could
01:35:38.940
I be resentful towards her for something, this choice that she had to make? Because she was just
01:35:45.960
From my own situation, I have to be like with that kind of thing myself, very careful because
01:35:52.040
my situation with my son's dad is that he was incredibly abusive towards me. Like my, I felt
01:35:58.380
like my life was threatened and he verbally like threatened my life and like physically threatened
01:36:02.560
it on multiple times. And like, yeah, he was charged and everything like that. But still now,
01:36:08.820
like fucking eight years later, almost nine years later, I still have to see it like, okay,
01:36:14.520
my son has a relationship with this man and this man is his dad. Right. So I can't be like
01:36:20.660
negative towards him and be like, honestly, your dad's negative. Your dad's negative. Your dad's
01:36:25.420
negative. His dad is still a dick, not going to lie, like a huge fucking dick. And he treats
01:36:30.240
him, my, our son like crap sometimes. And I will be honest with him. I'm not going to gaslight
01:36:35.820
him and saying, no, dad wasn't being a dick. Just forget about it or whatever. But I also at the
01:36:41.480
same time have to encourage, like, you know, um, like still respect your dad and you can talk to
01:36:47.060
mom about when things like you think things are off and stuff like that. But I have to just let him
01:36:52.780
see who his dad is for himself. Right. I have to let him learn it from his own eyes instead of like
01:36:59.300
me putting it into his head, like this fear of him all the time. Cause I feel like, like that's wrong
01:37:04.320
in itself. And I have, I do feel like I have done that in ways in the past. And it's just actually
01:37:09.300
like this past year, I'm realizing like, Hey, like things are going to sort itself out. Like,
01:37:13.820
like God is watching everything too. And, and everything happens for a reason. And all it's
01:37:18.520
going to do is I'm still loving and putting in the good values and doing the best I can as his mom,
01:37:23.340
that things will work out in the end. Right. Or else it's so fucking stressful and the kids feel it so
01:37:29.480
much. Like my son, he feels everything, like everything that I feel, he feels. So I have to
01:37:34.400
be careful. Like when I know there's a visit or a phone call coming up, I have to like try and keep
01:37:39.820
my anxiety down and just like act like I'm feeling normal. You know what I mean?
01:37:46.040
Yeah. Yeah. And I think, uh, like another thing that I've learned too is, and Jason kind of said it
01:37:53.800
earlier is forgiving myself. That's a tough one. Right. Cause I look back at myself as a child
01:37:59.320
and some of the decisions that I've made. Um, there's one in particular actually, uh, and it's
01:38:06.620
hilarious because I do, I fucking, I blamed myself for so long for making that decision. And it wasn't
01:38:14.040
until I had my own son that I kind of started to realize that the stupidity in holding a grudge
01:38:24.000
against myself for a decision I made when I was younger and understanding that at that time,
01:38:30.660
I didn't understand the decision I made. And the one I'm talking about specifically was I left my
01:38:35.680
grandparents to go live with my father. Uh, I think that was around what grade six, maybe grade seven.
01:38:41.600
Um, and I, I don't know why there was just, maybe I wasn't liking the rules, something,
01:38:49.100
something was going that way. And I just didn't like what was going on anymore. And I, I found
01:38:53.160
where my dad was and I said, fuck it. Going to live with my dad. Fuck you guys. And I was told
01:39:00.080
if I went that I couldn't come back and I was like, fuck you, I'm going. That lasted three months.
01:39:07.080
No, no. Um, I never asked either though. That's the other thing. Um, when my grandparents had said
01:39:17.480
that I never even bothered to ask if I could come back. I just assumed that they said that that's
01:39:23.120
what that meant. Done. Okay. And that's when I, within the three months I started talking to my
01:39:29.260
mother and moved in with her, which again, another terrible decision. Um, but these are things that
01:39:36.980
in hindsight, they're terrible decisions. And I understand that when I made those decisions at the
01:39:44.160
time, I wanted something and I wanted something that I had always desperately wanted and finally
01:39:53.580
thought I was getting, but unfortunately, well, my dad or my, either one of them. Yeah. Right. It did.
01:40:02.320
I did like at that point, I didn't give a fuck which one, just one of them. Um, and unfortunately
01:40:10.160
for me, um, making that decision led to me also realizing that I should have never left my grandparents.
01:40:17.860
And this is where I've learned that I didn't see what I had in front of me. I didn't see the things
01:40:23.380
that I really had. All I saw is what I lost. And it's, it made me realize now just how much we
01:40:33.780
actually do take for granted. Um, because yeah, there's a lot of us, we got a lot of shit right
01:40:39.720
in front of us that we can be grateful for, but how many of us choose to look at what we
01:40:47.440
don't have, what we're missing, what, you know, something that we want instead when the reality
01:40:56.960
is, is I think a lot of the stuff that's right in front of us could be, could be very beneficial
01:41:01.860
to realize we have at least. It's a fucking hard life, man, for all of us. And that's,
01:41:12.520
that's the thing you have to, it really helps me to go through life, looking at people as
01:41:17.740
children, right? Like, yeah, you're, you're an adult, you're growing Johnny. But if I look
01:41:23.240
at you, it's like, okay, you're, you're a product of your, your youth. So there's things
01:41:29.560
that happen to people that we don't see those. There's, it's not like a big fucking scar across
01:41:33.440
your face where you can say, Oh shit, what happened there? No, but there's all these scars
01:41:37.200
that can be hidden inside. And, and, you know, you talk, that's part of probably why you like
01:41:43.240
to drink. It was probably because you had all this fucking pain. You didn't know how to deal
01:41:46.640
with it. You had this giant hole in your fucking heart that you're trying to fill with booze
01:41:50.280
or drugs or sex or shopping, whatever. And until you can come to, come to terms with, with
01:41:57.780
either, you know, a spiritual connection or God or, or whatever, whatever your choice
01:42:02.560
is. I mean, I don't think you can fill that hole. Like it's, it's a bottomless fucking
01:42:06.540
pit. And I think that's partially what happened for me was that I stopped worrying about driving
01:42:13.440
the nicest car or having the fucking hottest girlfriend or making the most money. It just
01:42:17.620
because none of that shit fucking matters at the, if at the end of the day, I'm sitting
01:42:20.980
on my bed with a empty revolver wishing I had bullets, right? Like it doesn't fucking
01:42:26.400
matter. And it's so hard to explain this to your children without scaring the shit out
01:42:32.540
of them. Cause I did it the other day with my son. Right. And I told him to fuck off and
01:42:36.060
not come back. And they, fuck, I cried for two days because I'm worried he might not come
01:42:42.120
This is why one of the, one of the things that I tried to work with on my son and I definitely
01:42:47.160
worked with on Connor is don't listen to your stupid friends.
01:42:50.540
Yeah. Right. Because there's a lot of things that I did that were a result of the way my
01:42:58.940
friends would react. Yeah. Right. Um, like I, I would never have this conversation back
01:43:06.760
in high school because I would figure that immediately I'd be called a fag. I'd be called
01:43:11.300
weak. I would be, you know, all sorts of different derogatory terms that would run me down for being
01:43:19.600
honest with the way I feel. Um, whereas now I, now I don't give a fuck, whatever you come
01:43:26.040
at me for it. I dare you. Right. There's almost like nothing more attractive to a woman and
01:43:32.080
she doesn't even like realize why she's attracted to it. Cause it's happening unconsciously. But
01:43:36.640
like when a man is open and calm about his emotions and talking to her about it, like nothing builds
01:43:42.560
trust faster. I'm telling you because mine and Rose relationship was built on 3000 hours of
01:43:48.220
conversations that are exactly like this one that we're having right now. And that's why,
01:43:52.640
like, I trust him so fucking much is because I know that he's not going to make a decision based
01:43:58.120
on his emotions without talking to me about it first. Yeah. Right. Yeah. The foundation on
01:44:04.100
communication is so paramount to being able to have a withstanding trustful relationship with
01:44:12.760
somebody and to be able to create that at the beginning and build that foundation from the
01:44:19.500
ground out allows you to be able to, um, to, to go through situations, whether they be good,
01:44:28.760
like negative or positive, but you're able to go through those situations as a unit, knowing that
01:44:33.160
the person that you, you can depend on that person and rely on them to not make decisions based on,
01:44:39.220
again, emotions or something like that. You know, that, that those things are going to be
01:44:44.420
dealt with as a unit. And that's, what's so important is being able to create that communication
01:44:50.540
foundation because it just allows everything to build on it. Right.
01:44:56.540
Well, there's also something, there's also something else that I've, I've come to a realization
01:45:00.960
on as well. Like looking back in my past relationships, um, and like speaking on that reacting emotionally
01:45:09.520
bit, um, I've realized that there's a lot of times that I reacted in anger, but it wasn't anger.
01:45:20.400
That wasn't the actual emotion. Fear. It was actually that I was hurt. Yeah. Yeah. But
01:45:26.920
it manifests as anger a lot. Well, and especially because again, I'm coming from that place of,
01:45:34.060
I don't want to feel weak. I don't want to appear weak. So if I can turn that into anger,
01:45:39.560
anger seems like strength to me. And you can't get hurt if you put up the walls right away. So it's
01:45:45.700
like, fuck you get your own sandwich. Right. Right away. And it's like, that's, that's,
01:45:52.560
that's what happens. So see, I worry about that because I'm, I found myself to be that way in like
01:45:59.180
dealing with regular people on the outside, you know, I've, I've, I immediately write people off
01:46:05.120
because I'm like, Oh, you got blue hair. So you have no use to me. Right. You have a fucking
01:46:11.080
rainbow sticker on your car. So you're a fucking idiot. You know, you got, I just, I do this all the
01:46:16.960
time. And I realized that it's not healthy for me to sit there and, you know, discredit somebody.
01:46:21.840
You never know who's going to be the person that might, you know, I don't know, make you realize
01:46:27.520
something that you didn't know. So it's, it's fucking hard, man. It's really hard. I don't
01:46:33.600
want to be, I don't want to be a hateful person. I mean, I joke about being a bigot and I make racial
01:46:37.660
jokes and shit, but I don't really want to be that person. I want to be the person that, you know,
01:46:41.440
my kids are proud to be, have as their dad, not, you know, well, my dad hates Jews and Hindus. Like
01:46:47.760
that's, it's not, it's not what I aspire to be. If you know what I mean?
01:46:52.040
I don't think it's that like, this is where they confuse everything. We don't hate these
01:46:55.680
people for being who they are. No, we just, it just happens that they're the people doing
01:47:00.640
the stuff to us. Okay. I'm not a fan of the government. I'm not necessarily a hateful
01:47:06.760
towards a group of people. However, yeah, the what's right in my face. I can't deny.
01:47:14.240
Yeah. I hate corruption is what I hate at the end of the day. So it doesn't matter who
01:47:17.400
you are, what color your skin is, what religion you follow. If you're corrupt, I'm not going
01:47:31.260
Yeah. My, my dad married a Jew and moved to Israel with her and I have two sisters
01:47:41.780
there. So, but that doesn't mean that's not why I, I don't hate Jews. I don't, I don't
01:47:48.420
like Zionists. I don't even know if I hate them. I just don't, I don't like what what's
01:47:53.540
happened, right? I just don't like, sorry. I watched Europa, right? Yeah. I always go
01:48:01.680
back to this in revelation at two nine or two 10. It says, it says, I know like the blaspheming
01:48:11.880
and the evil, something along these lines, I'm paraphrasing of the Jews that say they are
01:48:17.600
Jews, but are not Jews. They are of the synagogue of Satan. And it's the Jews that are actually
01:48:22.720
pretending to be the chosen people. Okay. Which is the Kazarian mafia. Yeah. So it's not
01:48:29.660
all Jews. Like there's Orthodox Jews. There's lots of different groups of Jews out there who
01:48:33.680
actually totally against what's going on right now. Oh yeah, for sure. Yeah. Yeah. And
01:48:45.580
That's almost as good as my idea is Europa and chill.
01:48:53.180
Yeah. Imagine we wrote a kid's book about Europa. Oh my God. Like a kid's picture book
01:48:59.100
based on Europa. That would be wonderful. Like a day. We could, we got a bunch of motherfuckers.
01:49:04.960
I got a bunch of motherfuckers could do the AI imaging. Right. I know Jason can too. Right.
01:49:10.700
I mean, he's in there, you know, we could get her done. Yeah.
01:49:17.500
I stumbled across this interesting fellow, just a little segue here because it's getting
01:49:22.320
pretty dark, but I stumbled across a interesting fellow on, um, bit shoot actually. And then
01:49:28.500
I found him on rumble, but, uh, yeah, he's talking all about the chem trails. And cause we
01:49:34.620
were talking about that yesterday, I think on free stones and somebody was saying that they
01:49:37.680
don't put them on commercial airlines. Well, they fucking do. And this guy's all about that.
01:49:42.740
It's quite an interesting thing. And he has thousands and thousands of documents about it.
01:49:47.500
Um, I looked at this, this photo album, somebody made it. It's all the newspaper headlines about,
01:49:52.280
uh, uh, what do you call it? Like, uh, geoengineering. And it's literally one image and you can
01:49:58.740
scroll through it and there's a thousand fucking newspaper clippings for each year. It's like,
01:50:06.400
it's insane that we have been so blinded to this. Um, if you go, if you go on YouTube and
01:50:12.660
you look up Curtis stone, I don't know if you guys know who that is off grid with Curtis stone.
01:50:17.020
He's a Canadian guy. He's very well known. Um, rogues a mod on his channel, but, um,
01:50:22.440
he actually did a FOIA request on the chem trails and stuff and the government got back to him and
01:50:27.460
he's got documents of it even down to every time they sprayed. Okay. Well, they're talking about like,
01:50:33.740
they're, they're fucking doing brief. Like they, they tested on the U S population and they have
01:50:37.900
like doctors coming to their houses and testing the people to see what happened. Right. Like
01:50:42.220
they're, there's one little town. There's like 150 cases of this super rare cancer. And they're,
01:50:49.040
they're all just like, Oh, I don't know. It's like Aaron Brockovich. Like the story, but yeah,
01:50:54.480
I don't, I don't know. It's fucking insane. People all the time. Well, this guy's idea is that
01:51:00.240
they're going to fucking hit us with big time with climate change, uh, propaganda this summer.
01:51:04.900
And that's why they're like, I'm serious. Yesterday I was watching and I know I'm,
01:51:08.940
I'm a little hyper, uh, noticeable noticing, but there were so many fucking sprays yesterday.
01:51:13.780
It was, there's something's happening. Like who the fuck's paying for this? Cause these planes
01:51:18.180
don't fly for free. Right. The other day I saw two planes flying right next to each other,
01:51:23.500
spraying at the same time. Yeah. Yeah. That happens a lot where I am too. You see them when they,
01:51:29.060
they do like grids. So it looks like a tic-tac-toe board. Yeah, exactly. Oh yeah.
01:51:35.080
Well, that's what he was showing on this one. That's how you know that they're doing something
01:51:38.280
that's planned because it's in a grid. Tell me that's not, tell me that you're not like,
01:51:43.720
well, there there's, there, there's this picture of this sun dog and it's a beautiful big sun dog
01:51:48.660
and it's got like 15 fucking, it's like a, it's like a star almost like, it's like, holy fuck.
01:51:53.940
Yeah. Yeah. I'm trying to find that guy's name. It's been pretty crazy lately.
01:52:00.620
Yeah, definitely. And like, I remember talking to a buddy of mine, uh, his mom lived in Argentina
01:52:06.180
and she flew here at one point in time. And it was just funny because it's like,
01:52:10.680
you just assume this shit happens everywhere, but apparently not. Cause she gets off the plane,
01:52:17.460
looks up, sees the trails and is like, what are those? Why, why, why do you have clouds like that?
01:52:38.320
But yeah, it's just, it's, it's one of those things where it's like, you know,
01:52:41.480
I just kind of assume that, you know, these things happen everywhere.
01:52:48.120
And then you start to learn that no, certain countries don't have this.
01:52:51.980
And then it's like, that's, that's where it starts to go into.
01:52:55.140
Okay. Well, why, why is it that, you know, this is something that happens here, but not there.
01:53:05.100
And I think his name's, I can't remember his name actually, but yeah, it was,
01:53:10.060
there's a whole bunch of good shit on his website.
01:53:24.140
I've been like working my ass off since seven 30 this morning.
01:53:27.220
I should be working now too, but I thought I'd take a little break.
01:53:32.140
I've been working too, but from my phone and yeah, well, you know, when my day starts.
01:53:38.180
I got new chickens today and I had to do hay first thing and make everything nice.
01:53:47.820
I put it in the bigot off the link there for you.
01:53:54.200
trying to work a deal and see if I can get my nephew picked up.
01:54:00.360
my dad came in and my stepdad came and picked my son up this morning.
01:54:09.560
Are you offering happy endings for someone to go pick up Connor from school?
01:54:34.720
you guys had such hot weather last week or two weeks ago.
01:54:39.340
We're supposed to get 15 centimeters of snow in the next two days.
01:54:56.420
And this morning I got up and it's all fucking overcast.
01:55:36.940
if you can carry it from like three to three 30,
01:55:41.400
But otherwise we'll probably wrap it up at three.
01:55:49.880
I know Tom mentioned he wanted to come on so I can send him a link if we
01:55:54.340
I'll go upstairs and get a drink and come back down.
01:55:59.620
I'm going to have to run to the school real quick.
01:56:01.260
That's going to take about 20 minutes to a half hour.
01:56:07.020
Jason can make a drink and then I'll go make a drink and then you can
01:56:13.200
in the snow storm and then come back with a weather report.
01:56:20.480
maybe I'll try and force the cat to sit in the camera.
01:56:51.940
Like I can't even make dinner without her being in my feet,
01:57:11.680
the little box skirt thing that goes around the bottom of the Christmas tree.
01:57:38.380
it reminds me of a time when things were better.
01:57:50.680
a little bit of laziness in the fact that I really fucking hate having to take it down,
01:58:06.620
I put it up once and I've never even taken it down.
01:58:09.800
I feel like that is like the same mentality is like,
01:58:23.620
one third of the decorations is now missing because of the cats.
01:58:27.400
We have what time is rage's interview at today?
01:58:45.340
So patriotic weekly review is live at 7 PM UK time.
01:59:36.120
but if you want to be able to stream to rumble for free,
01:59:47.060
we'll upgrade it to the paid one so that we can do it on all the other ones as
02:00:08.700
So you just put your API in for your rumble into your stream yard and then
02:00:15.620
Cause I guess I would just get the stream key from rumble,
02:00:22.800
I know that what I've found with rumble studio for whatever reason,
02:00:26.300
like if I use stream yard as an example and load up a file from my computer
02:00:33.160
but I've had success with rumble where it isn't.
02:00:53.660
Then he can put in the API and the stream key and stuff.
02:01:01.560
he gave him admin privileges on my stream yard.
02:01:05.640
He's going to try and run my Sunday morning show.
02:01:15.560
I'm going to piece for two seconds so I can go make myself a drink before you
02:01:28.300
I don't understand why it wouldn't work on the computer.
02:01:47.040
now we're going to do a little jackassery a little bit anyway.
02:01:53.780
but Paul Levine was having a special show this morning about homeschooling
02:01:58.860
and I had to stick around there and make sure there's no fucking trolls.
02:02:06.240
there are times where we have our kind of let loose streams or,
02:02:12.120
let's fuck around and just tell some jokes and get some laughs and just not
02:02:17.160
But it's also nice when you do see things like a,
02:02:19.380
like a homeschooling stream or something like this,
02:02:33.580
and have conversations that are really needed to be had.
02:02:41.800
it's happened a couple of times and it seems to happen organically.
02:02:47.120
I guess you could plan it with nobody thinks to plan it,
02:03:00.240
I think it's something we all need to be doing.
02:03:09.900
when I was talking about when Sarah came to me with the idea that we would do a
02:03:13.700
stream together is what I really liked about it is,
02:03:22.340
And this is now two streams where we have had zero fucking plan.
02:03:36.660
I think that's about every fucking stream pretty much.
02:03:59.820
but typically it does kind of go more towards that,
02:04:04.980
that kind of screwing around and just kind of letting off some steam.
02:04:14.440
where it can just go into a really fucking serious topic and we can go from
02:04:35.460
but maybe like potentially we'll work out an actual like fucking,
02:04:43.920
Right now it's just been kind of whenever we kind of feel like it.
02:04:59.340
I think one of the best things to make sure that it's happening as when
02:05:02.260
you're running the stream is to make sure that,
02:05:12.140
or there's somebody who's on the stream and they just have so much
02:05:31.140
where it's like a lot of people will just unmute themselves and start
02:05:41.620
to be able to have that kind of rapport and that kind of,
02:06:01.120
those are conversations where it's important for people to have an
02:06:06.800
opportunity to be heard and to not be interrupted and to be able to,
02:06:14.560
the intention wasn't obviously to go to these places.
02:06:21.800
I think it's important to not have people talking over each other and to
02:06:33.080
they don't know that you've started talking or if they're not watching the
02:06:40.840
if maybe say I'm stalled and I'm in the middle of a conversation,
02:06:48.000
then I come back in and I've been talking over top to somebody else because
02:06:55.160
but it's definitely important to have a respect for other people's when
02:07:21.880
but we all actually do have something that we can add that is constructive
02:07:37.520
I would love to consider myself the pretty face.
02:08:25.760
It's the only thing I needed for is to talk to my kids.
02:08:32.500
I've been seriously considering going back to a home phone and only using my,
02:08:43.980
We got rid of our home phones for a reason because they were convenient to have a cell
02:08:55.840
it's not like I take phone calls when I'm at the gym or,
02:09:03.780
Cause that's usually where I'm having phone conversations,
02:09:07.800
So I mostly use my phone for using the internet.
02:09:17.060
I'll have telegram on this screen and I'll pick up my phone and look at Twitter and telegram.
02:09:25.820
I'm not on Twitter or Facebook or anything like that.
02:09:28.260
and I use Instagram to talk to a couple of my friends from like,
02:09:33.360
that I grew up with that I've known for like 45 years.
02:09:48.760
And I get all kinds of inspiration from different cooking shows and whatnot.
02:10:08.320
I'll look at a recipe or I'll look at something being made and I'll be like,
02:10:13.660
So I kind of scroll through for things like that.
02:10:17.560
That's the other thing I look at on social media is real estate.
02:10:21.860
my algorithm basically shows me real estate all over Europe and recipes.
02:10:51.100
Germany is also another place that you can go very easily as an international
02:11:06.720
I feel like the chances of that happening are just as high here because of,
02:11:12.380
the fact that we're just allowing everybody and fucking uncle Kenny with the
02:11:50.520
apparently he got slapped by some girl in grade one.
02:11:57.700
but she slapped him and he got a bloody nose apparently.
02:12:10.680
I think it's the other way around because allegedly,
02:12:16.080
that Connor has told the school that she's also kissed him on the cheek before.
02:12:25.120
How much you want to bet she doesn't have a dad at home.
02:12:30.620
I will say that this is definitely the school for that.
02:12:36.260
so I'm going to pick them up and make fun of them.
02:12:40.980
I'm going to ask him if he wants to switch in music the whole way home.
02:12:50.100
Obviously you can link to you if you want to send it to anybody.
02:13:22.920
That's the nice thing about that is the nice thing about rumbles.
02:13:39.560
I'll be back in like 20 minutes to a half hour.
02:14:04.620
And so we already have all the ingredients for the recipe.
02:14:13.040
I cook your meal at the same time during the stream.
02:14:37.860
I have 13 pieces of cast iron cookware in my oven right now.
02:14:51.500
like what kind of cooking do you like the most?
02:15:05.300
so I don't know what I'm going to make with that.
02:15:45.440
That's the best part about being in the kitchen.
02:15:55.760
I only really wear it when I'm using something with flour.
02:16:24.380
I remember doing that in the nineties when we used to like sneak booze into
02:16:38.800
like you just shoved a bottle of fricking Smirnoff underneath the tits.
02:17:04.920
Just we'd take them to a party and pass them around and shit.
02:17:07.980
And then how embarrassing was it to go and have to pick up the pictures?
02:17:15.220
The person looks at you and giving you back the pictures and they're like,
02:17:37.060
When you wanted to do like nudies of yourself and take like old school nudies,
02:17:40.440
you had to like take them with a camera and then go and get them developed.
02:17:57.380
I had to reach every time I went to join it because for some reason,
02:18:00.460
this particular app won't work on my Chromebook.
02:18:07.980
and then I'll hit join and then I'll get like a green screen,
02:18:11.120
like this black letter writing across the bottom of it.
02:18:24.000
I have a Chromebook as well that I use for other things.
02:18:31.580
definitely there's a lot of things that are firewalled on it.
02:18:34.540
like an alternative browser and go through the back door for stuff.
02:18:42.780
But the weird thing was on my phone and this is actually not the first time
02:18:46.900
I go to hit the link and it sends me to the play store on the phone app.
02:19:01.700
but it still just told me to download what the hell was going on.
02:19:03.740
So I just restarted my phone and Johnny's resend the link.
02:19:28.740
I've actually experienced myself to a different degree.
02:19:38.320
we've had our ups and downs and stuff like that,
02:19:42.900
But I didn't know my father until I was about 39 years old.
02:20:14.440
And dropped dead of a heart attack of 42 years old.
02:20:16.980
And the other one's currently married to my mother right now.
02:20:19.760
But when I was listening to everybody talk about talking and everything like,
02:20:26.540
it hit pretty close to home with a lot of stuff.
02:20:29.620
I didn't grow up in a household where it was alcohol ramped or drug use ramped or anything like that.
02:20:36.520
but living with somebody was mentioning something about their mother's past and how that affected how things like that.
02:20:45.900
And so that's kind of the situation when it was,
02:20:51.120
like my mother was dealing with issues from one of her childhood and stuff like that.
02:20:57.640
she was basically put on the kitchen table and her mother and father decided which one of them is going to take her.
02:21:05.880
it's broken homes and divorce and shit like that.
02:21:20.640
I had quite the journey I had to take with some things.
02:21:33.740
almost accidentally killed myself on pills is when I really had to fucking really take a,
02:21:40.320
where my life was going on that period of time.
02:21:46.840
But the one thing that helped me the most is when I found my father.
02:21:50.880
After I found my father and got the look in that man's eyes,
02:21:57.800
I'm not going to get into the situation when it came to my mother and father.
02:22:04.540
but once I looked into the eyes of my father and that connection was made,
02:22:17.960
but there was a couple of things I mentioned in the chatter about helping other people.
02:22:33.760
He's the type of guy that if you looked at him funny,
02:22:35.640
he was throwing a fucking ass straight at there,
02:22:39.880
And so he used to come over to my place and he jammed because he was my guitar player,
02:22:51.980
And it got to the point where I was looking at him and I was like,
02:22:58.000
what I do is I take him out for rides and go for smoke and stuff like that.
02:23:06.000
we go to the local linear reserve cranking heavy metal and shooting shit.
02:23:10.540
so I ended up basically helping by helping talking to this guy,
02:23:34.120
heavily involved in the street cats down in the,
02:23:43.100
moved him out of the area and moved him up North.
02:23:47.220
and I was asked directly because I knew of my past and the shit that I was involved
02:23:53.180
So I was asked directly to help this fucking kid get away from stuff.
02:23:57.700
so I would talk with this kid and we talked about everything.
02:24:17.180
And then a lot of these fucking local fucking gangster morons took the kid out.
02:24:27.700
I live with that every day because I was about probably less than a week away from actually
02:24:34.080
And he ends up getting fucking murdered and drowned,
02:24:45.940
or I see like young kids and I see gang violence and stuff like that,
02:24:50.800
And I had to get that off my chest because it's not too many people I've been able to talk to that about and,
02:24:58.100
and not understand the fucking anguish that people can go through through even trying to help other people.
02:25:24.460
When you can talk about what's hurting for whatever fucking reason,
02:25:27.860
all of a sudden it doesn't have as much pull or power on you.
02:25:33.300
I had sexual abuse when I was a child and I didn't even,
02:25:36.580
I had blocked it out for so many fucking years.
02:25:40.600
it wasn't until like the last five or six years where I'd come to terms with it.
02:25:48.580
I didn't know what the fuck was going on and I wasn't responsible for it.
02:25:59.680
and I hate seeing kids being taken advantage of.
02:26:02.700
And I hate seeing vulnerable people being fucking used by predators.
02:26:08.780
One thing that really makes me sick is when people use their children as weapons against others in their family.
02:26:31.580
I'm no longer allowed to see my nephews because I don't think the same way as my brother.
02:26:36.220
I haven't seen a lot of people in my family because,
02:27:10.080
it makes you more resilient to those things in the future.
02:27:23.760
That's a good word that you use resilient because,
02:27:30.640
I would hear a word and I didn't really know what it meant.
02:27:34.720
I realized that I could get a dictionary and look it up.
02:27:36.760
And then I've come to an understanding for myself of what that word
02:27:40.060
And the first time I experienced the word resiliency,
02:27:42.460
it was actually when I was doing my apprenticeship as,
02:27:46.980
And they talked about resiliency was the ability of a friction plate in
02:27:50.440
an automatic transmission to go from a lubricated state to a sticky
02:27:56.960
And that's sort of a good definition of it for me because resiliency is
02:28:04.900
you need to hold something you can and resilient.
02:28:08.460
I think that my resiliency is increased as I get older because the other thing
02:28:18.320
stop worrying about what you think and start worrying what I,
02:28:30.980
How you move through situations and how you present yourself.
02:28:40.080
you cannot give a shit about what other people think of you.
02:28:46.840
I had that little bit of a problem when I was younger.
02:28:53.100
And one thing that actually really got me over that really quick is being
02:28:56.380
And I'd have people that were clearly more talented and been in the business
02:29:06.240
But then you'd have to sit back and think about it.
02:29:15.220
but there's always going to be somebody that's got an even bigger fucking chip that
02:29:18.220
knows more about what you're thinking that you think you do than you do.
02:30:04.620
And that's like legitimately not being able to take,
02:30:07.000
and you're immediately putting your ego and your defensiveness up saying,
02:30:11.680
I'm not interested in whatever it is you have to share with me.
02:30:15.840
when you're trying to have conversations with people,
02:30:20.640
somebody tries to it's funny because when you try to relate sometimes with somebody,
02:30:29.980
That's another thing that you have to try and remember when you're talking to somebody,
02:30:42.840
the more we're able to take that out of the equation and,
02:30:46.960
and move in life without having that ego in the forefront.
02:30:51.360
You take that and you put it behind you and you wear it proudly rather than having it in front of you and acting every,
02:31:18.680
if I can look at myself in the mirror and know that I'm moving with integrity and the way that I feel like I should be in whatever facet that is.
02:31:30.500
then that's all that matters at the end of the day.
02:31:33.280
I'm doing what I'm supposed to do in my journey and I'm helping people along the way.
02:31:51.640
and it took many years because like in the situation I was in for many,
02:32:11.260
you have to be able to admit that you have a problem yourself.
02:32:17.960
that's one thing when it came to the particular situation that I had was in,
02:32:26.140
And if one of us doesn't do something about it,
02:32:38.160
cause everybody's different is I had to accept the fact that I had a problem.
02:32:53.660
that is one of the big things that helped me overcome issues,
02:32:56.600
except accepting the fact that there was a fucking problem.
02:33:10.260
it's one of those things where it shows that you,
02:33:12.080
you've come to a place in your life where you're like,
02:33:25.200
the reason that we're able to sort of have these conversations,
02:33:30.140
and relate to each other is because I think we've all had to stand in
02:33:34.160
front of that mirror and look at ourselves and go,
02:33:40.840
and had to make some real changes in how we move.
02:34:01.700
If I changed the tire or if I add some washer fluid,
02:34:17.540
until you're really to look at the actual problem for what it is.
02:34:23.980
Like that's why when you look at those 12 steps,
02:34:29.440
because you can't fix your own fucking problem.
02:34:44.260
We're supposed to have a person to be able to be our support and our
02:34:54.640
that partner that we're supposed to be able to lean on.
02:35:11.420
is that when people say that relationships are 50,
02:35:27.500
where you're going to have to support the other person in one way or
02:35:33.960
And it's definitely not going to be without its,
02:35:40.260
It's realizing that the person that you're with is going to be there and
02:35:44.380
is going to be able to be that person that when you can't give a
02:35:49.320
they're going to be able to give that extra percent that you can't,
02:35:54.900
that person is going to be able to give their a hundred percent plus the
02:35:57.820
20% that you need in order for you to be able to function.
02:36:01.740
that's what you have to look for in your partner.
02:36:09.600
Like knowing that you can work together and that these things are going to be,
02:36:15.760
that you're going to be able to have that person to be able to rely on.
02:36:19.120
everything isn't going to be perfect all the time.
02:36:24.400
cause I met Sarah through work and we started talking cause we actually knew
02:36:30.660
six months before we actually started dating ideal.
02:36:35.440
we would talk quite a bit and we were both realizing that we were,
02:36:38.640
we were literally the pair of us were in the literal exact same situation.
02:36:54.300
When I was able to speak with somebody that was literally going through the exact same stuff.
02:37:02.160
she would literally finish my sentence because she already knew exactly what,
02:37:07.200
and that's the fucked up thing was that it was literally the exact same type of situation.
02:37:12.620
and so that's the one thing about when it comes with me and Sarah is that we had that realization that we came from the same type of situation.
02:37:20.080
And so we're not going to go back into any type of situation like that,
02:37:28.180
and that's why I was trying to get out when it came to looking in the mirror,
02:37:30.740
with the situation and the decisions that I've made in the past couple of years.
02:37:34.800
I look at myself in the mirror now and there's still,
02:37:46.600
my gut tells me that I have done the right thing.
02:37:50.500
and so I'm not looking back whatsoever when it comes to,
02:37:53.880
I don't have regrets in the decisions I've made to change my life.
02:37:59.400
that's how me and my wife kind of got together to you was like,
02:38:07.860
I moved out and I came back to the house to like to our house,
02:38:14.480
but I came back and on the washing machine was her diary.
02:38:28.460
because at that point I still thought there was a chance.
02:38:30.540
And I was so fucking damaged by her cheating on me.
02:38:37.380
I got a little dick or I'm just like useless or like,
02:38:46.540
I went through that with her husband and she was fucking devastated by it.
02:39:05.160
She's at her boyfriend's or she's late home from work.
02:39:08.960
she's probably at fucking shoppers drug mart standing in line.
02:39:16.220
And that same security is really important for her.
02:39:32.740
That doesn't mean our relationship couldn't fail.
02:39:35.020
It just means that it's not going to be because of that.
02:39:40.560
that was one of the major things that my ex wife was doing for quite some
02:40:00.540
wasn't willing to throw away that many years over something retarded like
02:40:06.080
but I didn't have to read anybody's diary or read anybody's phone or
02:40:19.940
like finding out that somebody else has been chosen instead of you is such a
02:40:45.480
I had to stay in that situation for close to six months before I can go.
02:40:50.640
and it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my life was
02:40:55.060
emotionally detach yourself from somebody while living in the same house
02:41:24.120
I don't know how many times in the years I was with this person,
02:41:27.760
probably at least two to three times a month I'd hear,
02:41:40.920
if for somebody that kept telling me for all these years,
02:41:51.420
but I'm all of a sudden the fucking bad guy because I decided to,
02:41:56.480
So you don't have to hate your life with me anymore.
02:42:09.280
I was able to understand that fact that it wasn't just her.
02:43:03.360
so she tried to kiss you without asking for consent.
02:43:36.520
you should definitely like do like a sweep with your legs and take her out.
02:43:44.060
but you can definitely take her out at like the,
02:43:49.060
that that's a discussion that we had to have on the way back here because apparently he did hit her back.
02:43:57.520
but that's probably not a situation where it's okay to hit a girl.
02:44:03.640
Maybe a headlock and a hip toss to the ground or something,
02:44:38.540
I should have bought her those pants that she wanted that I said she couldn't
02:44:48.760
like I went through a million different emotions and thoughts about what causes.
02:44:53.620
I fucking came very close just to fucking ending my life.
02:45:03.040
I didn't think she was going to be able to take care of them.
02:45:09.660
What happens if she just ditches these kids on me?
02:45:28.780
I just have to go and do a work thing for two seconds.
02:45:42.420
actually that is something that I had to learn too,
02:46:00.620
that's where I get that headlock hip toss to the ground idea from,
02:46:05.460
that was my go-to move because as much as I want to say that if you punch me in
02:46:21.640
So it would always be some kind of move just to restrain.
02:46:28.960
I had an opportunity to actually press charges,
02:47:12.460
And when people ask like why they don't just leave,
02:47:20.900
I didn't want to leave because I knew that the way the family court system works,
02:47:33.100
but I was trying to do everything in my power to keep it together just so that I could stay in my kid's life.
02:47:43.800
Like it had nothing to do with whether or not I liked his mother.
02:47:47.160
It had nothing to do with whether or not I wanted that relationship.
02:47:52.220
this is the only way that I believe that I will be in my son's life.
02:48:04.940
I'd lived with her for 13 years and everything in the house,
02:48:18.440
but I didn't want to stay there either because I just knew myself.
02:48:30.680
When you push back and your abuser plays the victim.
02:49:10.100
silent treatment and not addressing it right now are two totally different things.
02:49:15.500
I'm the kind of person I wanted to address the gun fucking now.
02:49:22.700
but I also understand the idea of taking that moment to let it simmer for a little bit first.
02:49:30.180
but it's when the silent treatment is used as a punishment,
02:49:34.920
that is where it becomes different because to me,
02:49:41.140
You are straight up showing that you can turn your love off at any fucking point in time.
02:49:49.860
that is a very fucking cruel thing to do to somebody.
02:49:52.360
My ex would do that to me all the fucking time.
02:50:02.160
so like if she's had a stressful day at work or something like that,
02:50:06.500
Like she won't really say much or whatever the case may be.
02:50:11.940
even we're almost two years into our relationship and even still,
02:50:21.920
Did I do something to piss you off or anything like that?
02:51:22.660
it's so important to be able to have that safe space communication between you and your partner to be able to say like,
02:51:35.080
she's had a bad day and maybe you just allowing her that space to be able to,
02:51:54.240
I'm allowing you that opportunity when you're ready to be able to talk about it with no judgment.
02:52:10.540
we're not really taught how to deal with our emotions.
02:52:18.660
One thing I've noticed like since quitting drinking,
02:52:22.500
I've had one relationship after quitting drinking and all of the ones beforehand.
02:52:29.200
And while sure that relationship did not work out.
02:52:39.220
very stark contrast in how I treated that relationship and how I treated the ones previously,
02:52:49.580
Because previously I would have been the slamming the doors,
02:53:04.320
I've become a little more honest in how I feel and understood better that when in an argument and trying to express what I am feeling to a partner to avoid the you statement.
02:53:27.640
but to also remember that when you're having a disagreement or an argument or something like that,
02:53:34.140
to try to try to try to remember not to fight against each other.
02:53:39.520
whatever you're arguing about or whatever it is that you're dealing with,
02:53:57.200
And the conversation generally goes to somewhere of resolution rather than not,
02:54:20.980
And the reason why I asked him that is because a lot of the,
02:54:38.340
like when we're being considerably attacked verbally,
02:54:44.360
like just the other night when fucking fuck nut was on the screen,
02:54:47.660
you notice my mouth was shut until I just couldn't keep it shut.
02:54:58.860
she'd be arguing and arguing and arguing with me.
02:55:03.480
like instead of turning it into a fucking yelling,
02:55:15.280
And it's not that I was giving her the silent treatment.
02:55:17.400
That was the only defense that I had from the verbal attack.
02:55:29.700
I'd go silent for a couple of different reasons,
02:55:36.140
I know that there'd be times where if I did something and got called out on it
02:55:40.420
and realized that I was definitely in the fucking wrong,
02:55:45.540
I will just sit there and take whatever it is that's being given to me because
02:55:52.760
Or the other reason would be that when I've stayed silent,
02:56:02.220
it is that wall that I'm going to build around so that you don't know that I'm
02:56:22.140
I have always viewed it as if I'm going to be honest about my feelings in terms
02:56:43.080
The other thing that people tend to forget as well,
02:56:49.740
There's one of those things where sometimes the best response is no
02:56:56.640
sometimes things really don't need to have an answer.
02:57:03.540
a time where everybody always expects to have an answer for things and to
02:57:10.120
understand why people do things and stuff like that.
02:57:12.940
And we're not here to understand why other people do things,
02:57:16.800
And sometimes just no answer in silence is the best.
02:57:20.520
One thing I noticed about my relationship now compared to my previous ones was
02:57:30.180
I love you and a kiss every fucking single time.
02:57:32.920
Like if she walks out and forgets to give me a kiss goodbye,
02:57:36.240
then I go and chase her out to her car because,
02:58:12.300
You can never turn your back on her and try to talk.
02:58:14.760
You can never turn your back on her and fucking try to talk to her.
02:58:32.540
I thought I'd think about that one for a second.
02:58:43.120
I'll never forget the time I saw Edgy do the Helen Keller song live.
02:59:07.660
Is it true she had a British accent or is that just a joke?
02:59:36.920
That was one of my grandfather's favorite jokes.
02:59:48.660
The stroke that he had basically took his feet.
02:59:51.640
he had very limited speech on what he could say.
02:59:54.880
he'd sound like he was somebody that was deaf a bit.
03:00:22.100
So it's actually kind of wondering if Helen Keller did have any form of speech at all.
03:00:30.100
then she wouldn't have been able to pick up on the audio from parents.
03:00:42.480
I don't mean to make a part of it or anything like that,
03:00:46.260
that's how children learn their accents is because it's taught to them by their parents when they're speaking to them.
03:00:50.660
It's like that video of the little English girl.
03:01:30.400
but it's just so funny to hear these little kids talk like,
03:01:51.040
because I do not dumb my speech down at all for him.
03:02:01.580
especially this mostly happens on our walks to and from school.
03:02:06.700
the one moment where me and him really kind of just sit and kind of chat and
03:02:12.140
But there's oftentimes I'll use a word and he has no idea what it is,
03:02:19.600
And that's what I appreciate is that he doesn't just let me say it,
03:02:26.760
It's if he hears a word that he doesn't understand,
03:02:48.840
like there's times where I'll use the saying and he's like,
03:02:58.400
And I'm trying to teach him to kind of think a little more,
03:03:08.400
And it's now to a point where he knows he has to make an attempt at
03:03:15.420
Because if he has not attempted to spell it first,
03:03:17.420
I will not do anything with that because the idea here is,
03:03:25.760
I want you to try and use your own brain power.
03:03:31.940
I'll step in and I'll give you some assistance,
03:03:33.860
but I want to see what can you do on your own first.
03:03:45.840
and I think it is because I've just constantly been on him about,
03:03:57.020
the police send in horses to break up and protest by fishermen at the
03:04:19.640
they want to sell their fish out of the province.
03:04:28.320
But there's Palestinians and Calistanis that are running around with
03:05:09.080
but there's still a lot that they're just ignoring.
03:05:30.140
the two main things that I hear from the normies is the,
03:05:34.580
I've heard normies have been calling that now we're being fucking replaced.
03:05:39.700
those are the two things that I get a lot to hear from the normies.
03:06:58.920
I know they're newfies, but yeah, they are animals.
03:07:02.760
The purpose of the agitate the horse so they can...
03:07:04.720
The horse will do something so they have plausible
03:31:14.080
pageant is a derogatory term to address pakistanis who claim arab ancestry such as purash despite
03:31:22.700
engaging in incest beggery stone pelting goat molestation and camel piss drinking that
03:31:30.240
pageant had a good evening he took three shots of camel piss hurled stones at four buildings
03:31:37.920
and violated five goats before calling it a night
03:31:41.080
right you think they think they have a steamy cup of camel piss or do they do they refrigerate it
03:31:53.040
well i know they don't refrigerate shit we're talking piss
03:32:16.620
that's funny oh oh east coast with a great idea piss ice cubes
03:32:24.960
i'm gonna start doing that and i'll invite some liberal people over
03:32:47.780
yeah my my god how this has devolved let me tell you
03:32:50.880
i was a little dehydrated when i made those ice cubes
03:32:53.180
oh you see you see that one video though there was a video on twitter that i saw last night i can't i think i retweeted it at some point i don't know maybe i didn't but uh it was like some black woman walking in a mall and then she like turns the corner gets onto a fucking escalator and there's nobody around so she just like shoves her underwear over and starts pissing out behind her on the on the escalator
03:33:15.640
i've seen some fucking white chick in walmart like i didn't see it i saw a video of it but she just basically pulls her panties to the side and fucking squats and squirts all over the fucking meat freezer and i'm just like what the fuck she doesn't even wipe her ass she just pulls her pants back on
03:33:49.420
now we had a woman here that would like literally walk around town naked
03:33:58.500
but yeah she would just randomly show up places
03:34:03.660
it's like there'd be times where she would be literally just naked
03:35:53.240
kind of makes you not want to go to walmart anymore