JustPearlyThings - May 29, 2023


Based Woman Hold Modern Women Accountable


Episode Stats


Length

11 minutes

Words per minute

201.67993

Word count

2,289

Sentence count

204

Harmful content

Misogyny

5

sentences flagged

Toxicity

4

sentences flagged

Hate speech

2

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

In this episode, we are joined by a very special guest who shares her story of how her ex-husband cheated on her and how she dealt with it. We also hear from a woman who was cheated on by her husband and how her husband handled the situation.

Transcript

Transcript generated with Whisper (turbo).
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Toxicity classifications generated with s-nlp/roberta_toxicity_classifier .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
00:00:00.000 Any exception to that about talking about exes is when a man has been divorced.
00:00:03.820 I think that they do that that really plays on their mind and that that's very difficult for them to move past.
00:00:11.300 What is one thing that you did wrong that contributed to your last relationship or a relationship ending?
00:00:20.100 And you cannot say I just overlooked a red flag.
00:00:23.760 I can take this one.
00:00:24.840 OK. 0.98
00:00:25.340 I was a coward in my last relationship. 0.90
00:00:28.260 I will own that 100%.
00:00:30.400 I was a coward and I was scared and I wasn't honest and I was allied and I think if I hadn't have been so cowardly in the last year of our relationship, we would have parted.
00:00:47.500 We wouldn't have had the war that we had if I was braver and I weren't so scared of the repercussions.
00:00:53.860 Yeah.
00:00:54.220 OK.
00:00:54.700 I'll own that.
00:00:55.220 I know this is going to make me sound really bad, but there it goes.
00:01:00.120 That one, I'm not entirely sure if this was the real reason or it was an excuse for him.
00:01:04.960 But what ended up happening was long and short of it at the start of the relationship, he cheated on me.
00:01:11.040 And then he came back asking me to marry him.
00:01:13.880 And then I actually said yes.
00:01:15.880 And then I went back and said, actually, no, I don't feel like marriage is where we're at right now.
00:01:21.260 And it was it actually did become a bit of an on and off relationship.
00:01:24.060 I said I haven't done enough, but in hindsight, it was more on and off as in break up for a few days and back together.
00:01:30.500 You know, not like a long period.
00:01:31.780 And the last time that he came back, he said to me, right, you know, let's get back on together.
00:01:38.140 And I said, actually, someone previously that I dated had got back in touch with me and we had arranged to meet up for a drink.
00:01:45.100 And I honestly said, actually, I'm not ready to get back for you yet.
00:01:48.460 I've got a date in the diary with this ex that I just actually want to see whether or not I still feel anything towards this person.
00:01:55.480 And that was kind of a big smash to his ego.
00:01:59.940 And for him, that was the final straw.
00:02:02.520 OK, so you saw an ex while you guys were dating?
00:02:06.280 No, once we'd broken up and I thought it was the end.
00:02:09.800 Somebody from my past had reached out to me.
00:02:12.860 So what was the what were you what's your accountability for the demise of your last relationship?
00:02:18.980 Maybe because he wanted to feel like I was the one and only man ever for him and that I wasn't looking at another option.
00:02:24.200 No, but you're talking about him.
00:02:25.500 What was your accountability?
00:02:27.760 What do you think you did?
00:02:29.400 Sorry, Paul.
00:02:30.080 Well, by showing that I still wanted to explore other options, I guess.
00:02:36.540 OK, I don't know if I was wrong for that.
00:02:39.100 Maybe not.
00:02:39.660 I don't know.
00:02:39.920 I'm confused because I thought that was after you guys broke up or you were together.
00:02:43.260 So it was on.
00:02:43.940 He kept breaking up with me and then getting back together like a week later.
00:02:47.340 OK.
00:02:47.660 So in between that.
00:02:49.080 So the time that he actually came back and said, OK, let's get back together.
00:02:51.780 I said, well, in the interim period, once you when you broke up with me, my ex got in touch and I'm arranging to meet up with him.
00:02:59.920 So before that, like what do you think contributed to him like breaking up with you?
00:03:03.900 Oh, insecurity because I called off the engagement and he felt that I didn't forgive him for the cheating, I guess.
00:03:10.300 OK.
00:03:10.820 Not being able to let things go.
00:03:12.460 Yeah.
00:03:12.800 OK.
00:03:13.580 Go ahead.
00:03:14.700 OK.
00:03:15.780 What was the question again?
00:03:17.560 What is something that contributed to your last relationship ending?
00:03:23.660 That you did.
00:03:25.380 That I did.
00:03:26.100 Yeah.
00:03:26.360 And you can't say I ignored red flags.
00:03:28.600 Oh, no.
00:03:28.880 That's always the go to.
00:03:29.800 I think what happened was, that's what we all know.
00:03:33.580 I was very young.
00:03:34.900 I've only had two boyfriends.
00:03:36.480 So it's this one I've got now and the one before.
00:03:40.080 I think because I have like a real passion for something as well and I studied it when
00:03:45.740 I was in secondary school, obviously I had to go home because it was long distance and
00:03:51.020 FaceTime him and it was quite a lot, especially when you have to wake up at like six in the
00:03:57.200 morning every single morning and then train until six, two.
00:04:01.500 And I think I honestly, I think it was quite natural.
00:04:07.220 I think it was just like, I can't do this anymore.
00:04:10.980 I'm also a bit young for you and I don't know what I want.
00:04:15.800 Also.
00:04:17.660 If anything, I just kind of wanted to focus on what I was doing because.
00:04:22.380 So you just weren't that invested in the relationship.
00:04:24.380 Yeah.
00:04:24.780 I think in the end, at the start, I really was.
00:04:27.100 And then I just thought also, am I like just in this to just be in this?
00:04:34.040 Cause I did have such a deep feeling for him, but then again, I was so young to even know
00:04:43.240 what it was really.
00:04:44.220 I don't know whether it was just, I loved someone loving me or I don't know.
00:04:50.180 You're only 21 or 22.
00:04:52.220 Yeah.
00:04:52.480 21.
00:04:52.980 Everyone's like, she's only a two boyfriends.
00:04:54.560 I'm like, she's 21.
00:04:57.100 Um, go ahead.
00:04:59.780 Oh, me?
00:05:00.340 Yeah.
00:05:00.660 Okay.
00:05:01.320 Um, what I can say is in my last relationship, I think that during the, um, the time of my
00:05:09.540 relationship, I was obviously young.
00:05:11.520 So I used to be like a bit of a doormat in a way.
00:05:13.880 I used to kind of let this guy get away with whatever he wanted to and just kind of accept
00:05:19.780 things and like overlook a lot of things.
00:05:21.840 Um, so when it came towards the end, it was because I've now made this thing in the relationship
00:05:27.240 where it's okay to do what you're doing.
00:05:29.160 So now when I've actually tried to come and talk back and like try actually stand up for
00:05:33.280 myself because towards the end, I felt like I matured a bit and I knew what I kind of wanted.
00:05:36.900 And when he was doing certain things, I'll tell him and then that's when things started
00:05:39.900 to kind of backfire.
00:05:41.220 And when I started to see the real toxic side of this man, it's only because I had allowed
00:05:45.480 him to kind of walk on me in the first place and not really value myself that much in order
00:05:51.320 to tell him no, like towards the end when I actually did decide to tell him stuff like
00:05:55.620 no, he wouldn't have it.
00:05:56.860 So your accountability is you let him be toxic?
00:05:59.900 No.
00:06:00.480 Well, yes, I know.
00:06:01.560 Like it was more than me though.
00:06:02.940 Like it was me not really standing up for myself.
00:06:04.660 Were you being toxic too?
00:06:06.080 No.
00:06:06.840 So you weren't being toxic.
00:06:08.380 I promise you.
00:06:09.140 But he was being toxic.
00:06:10.640 Very much.
00:06:11.020 And that's your accountability.
00:06:12.300 No.
00:06:12.900 My accountability is the fact that I was just...
00:06:17.700 You let things go.
00:06:18.620 You let things go too easy.
00:06:19.880 Yeah, like I let things go too easy.
00:06:21.020 I didn't fight for nothing.
00:06:22.220 I was just being a doormat.
00:06:23.400 I used to let this guy just walk all over me like it's nothing.
00:06:25.860 And I wasn't really standing up for myself, if that makes sense.
00:06:28.960 So your accountability is you let him be toxic?
00:06:33.680 Well, yeah.
00:06:34.500 Can I say that?
00:06:35.080 Yeah.
00:06:35.600 Because maybe if you didn't...
00:06:36.900 Say it with your chest.
00:06:37.380 All right.
00:06:38.340 No, because every time you say something and you repeat what I'm saying, I'm thinking,
00:06:40.980 hmm.
00:06:41.920 But yeah, cool.
00:06:43.240 I'm just repeating what you said.
00:06:44.980 Cool.
00:06:45.860 In less words.
00:06:46.680 Okay, go ahead.
00:06:49.700 I feel like...
00:06:52.860 Okay, the way that I've been the most toxic, I guess,
00:06:55.500 is by making decisions that I know how it's going to go
00:07:00.620 and I know it's going to go badly for both of us
00:07:02.940 and still doing those things for whatever reason.
00:07:08.260 It's like I could easily choose not to,
00:07:09.940 but I'm just like,
00:07:12.020 maybe I want to see if I still have a hold over this guy
00:07:15.720 or what I can still do kind of thing.
00:07:18.000 So I'll choose to make that bad decision and be like...
00:07:22.160 And then halfway through the decision, I'll be like,
00:07:24.080 I already knew that it was going to play out this way.
00:07:27.480 So why did I do it kind of thing?
00:07:29.660 I'm sorry.
00:07:30.240 This is so broad.
00:07:31.040 I'm just trying to understand.
00:07:33.500 You're very philosophical, aren't you?
00:07:35.240 So for example, we may have had an argument
00:07:40.160 and we're not talking for a few days
00:07:43.980 and I'll be like,
00:07:45.480 I know that maybe we should break off the relationship,
00:07:49.520 but I just want to see if I still have this hold over this guy.
00:07:52.260 So I'm going to call him and be like,
00:07:54.360 oh, let's go out and do something
00:07:56.400 and then see if he's going to react in a way where it's like, yes.
00:08:01.180 And if you don't react in a way that's yes,
00:08:02.880 then I'm going to be like, why?
00:08:04.360 Because then I'm going to feel like I don't have that hold over you.
00:08:06.520 And that's really toxic because I know...
00:08:08.880 It's really freaking toxic because I know that...
00:08:12.020 So you're waiting to break up with him
00:08:13.820 until you felt like you've had him.
00:08:15.460 No, no, no, no, no, no.
00:08:16.280 Because it's not a thing where I didn't have him.
00:08:19.500 I would always...
00:08:20.520 We have a connection.
00:08:22.260 We've got that hold over each other.
00:08:24.120 But I feel like maybe I was being insecure or something.
00:08:27.480 I don't know.
00:08:28.160 But when we had an argument or something like that
00:08:30.920 and I was thinking to myself,
00:08:32.560 you know what, maybe we should break up.
00:08:34.280 Maybe this relationship isn't right for us.
00:08:36.620 I'd be like, we've had an argument.
00:08:40.000 I don't know how he now feels.
00:08:41.580 Maybe he wants to call it quits as well.
00:08:43.420 And I don't...
00:08:44.540 I've never had someone break up with me.
00:08:46.620 So I'm always...
00:08:47.780 That makes me sound like such a cat.
00:08:49.580 But I've always been the one doing the breaking up.
00:08:51.720 So if I feel like, oh, you know what,
00:08:53.380 we've had this argument
00:08:54.260 and now you might want to break up with me,
00:08:56.500 I need to make sure that's not the case
00:08:58.400 by contacting you and seeing what's up.
00:09:02.420 And then if you don't want to break up with me,
00:09:03.960 that's cool.
00:09:04.500 I still know that, you know, it's all good.
00:09:06.620 And if I wanted to break up with you, I could.
00:09:08.920 I feel like what you're saying is
00:09:10.200 you like playing the game.
00:09:11.340 Yeah, you was being hella toxic.
00:09:12.760 Yeah, I used to be a very toxic, 0.93
00:09:15.560 very, very toxic person.
00:09:16.940 I feel like that's why now I can sit back
00:09:18.560 and be like,
00:09:19.800 there's a way to go about it and not,
00:09:21.920 because I don't like stress no more.
00:09:23.000 Do you feel like men are aware 0.98
00:09:24.860 of how toxic women can be? 1.00
00:09:26.660 No. 0.96
00:09:27.220 Yes.
00:09:28.060 They know.
00:09:28.740 They know.
00:09:29.420 They know.
00:09:30.120 Oh, maybe they do.
00:09:31.540 No, I'm telling you, they know.
00:09:32.780 You don't have to change your mind.
00:09:33.940 You don't have to, yeah.
00:09:35.460 Yeah, but I say these things
00:09:37.280 and I just, maybe I, I don't know,
00:09:39.540 but I don't know like every single man.
00:09:41.880 This is why.
00:09:42.500 You know, you know your female friends, right? 0.91
00:09:44.260 And you know how they interact
00:09:45.220 with their boyfriends.
00:09:46.180 And I'm sure you know one or two
00:09:48.180 that's toxic, right?
00:09:49.700 Do you think their boyfriend's aware?
00:09:51.360 I don't think my closest are friends.
00:09:53.260 Any of them are toxic
00:09:54.200 because I think their aim is to not be.
00:09:57.080 But I'm sure,
00:09:57.940 do you know a toxic girl anywhere? 1.00
00:09:59.820 Yeah, of course, of course.
00:10:01.240 Okay, so do you think their boyfriends know?
00:10:06.840 If they're toxic or not?
00:10:08.340 Yeah.
00:10:09.400 Yeah.
00:10:10.260 I think maybe they just.
00:10:11.860 They just ignore it?
00:10:12.780 It depends how toxic you want to be.
00:10:16.040 Because maybe he, I don't know,
00:10:18.740 she could be toxic on one specific thing.
00:10:21.520 I can't think of one at the top of my head.
00:10:23.500 But maybe that,
00:10:24.820 have you ever heard of a boy that's like,
00:10:26.880 I don't know,
00:10:27.500 he finds it attractive when a woman 0.99
00:10:29.100 is like really gets hot-headed on something.
00:10:32.800 Hot-headed.
00:10:33.560 But you know what I mean?
00:10:34.460 Yeah.
00:10:34.580 Like, or, I don't know.
00:10:37.800 I feel you.
00:10:38.220 But I feel like this is why the game is called the game.
00:10:40.660 Because everyone's always trying to one-up each other.
00:10:42.400 But also,
00:10:43.000 I don't understand how people have the energy for that.
00:10:45.460 I know.
00:10:45.880 It's so draining.
00:10:46.780 Because I've seen that one of my girls. 0.99
00:10:48.320 I love her purity.
00:10:49.400 Can we just say?
00:10:50.220 Like, she's so like,
00:10:51.140 oh, I just, I don't know.
00:10:52.200 I love it.
00:10:52.780 I just, honestly,
00:10:53.980 there are so many other things you could be doing in that time.
00:10:57.700 Run yourself a bath.
00:10:59.640 Don't go on Snapchat,
00:11:01.080 and then like,
00:11:02.160 half swipe it,
00:11:03.940 and don't reply to me.
00:11:05.040 Nah, people have the energy to put up quotes.
00:11:06.920 That?
00:11:07.380 To do all of this.
00:11:08.220 That's so childish to me.
00:11:08.800 Yeah, but you know the thing where people like message each other,
00:11:11.740 pretend not to see it for hours.
00:11:13.360 Just open it.
00:11:14.440 Oh no, I can't lie.
00:11:14.780 Just open it.
00:11:15.460 I do that, yeah.
00:11:16.120 But it's not even me being toxic.
00:11:17.920 It's just me not being asked to open messages.
00:11:19.220 People are like,
00:11:19.960 yeah, but I'm not going to open it yet.