JustPearlyThings - November 13, 2023


Dimitri Talks About His Marriage And Why It's Successful


Episode Stats


Length

8 minutes

Words per minute

219.58786

Word count

1,911

Sentence count

1

Harmful content

Misogyny

9

sentences flagged

Toxicity

2

sentences flagged

Hate speech

4

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

In this episode, we talk about the importance of a good relationship contract and how to negotiate a good one. We also discuss why a good marriage contract is so important and why you should make sure to negotiate it properly.

Transcript

Transcript generated with Whisper (turbo).
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Toxicity classifications generated with s-nlp/roberta_toxicity_classifier .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
00:00:00.000 owe your wife what i owe my wife i owe her you know
00:00:08.080 i owe her the journey that i i owe her the journey that my potential promised her because you know
00:00:12.560 my wife didn't marry me when i was a uh fine uh suit mogul traveling all over the planet etc
00:00:19.200 my wife married me when i had just started a company and so there wasn't really
00:00:24.000 the the direct evidence that i would be successful for example but there was
00:00:28.800 inferred evidence based on the potential that i have and you know i have this interesting
00:00:32.880 conversation with my wife i ask her really not for much one thing i do ask her is to keep her
00:00:36.480 butt in shape you know like keep yourself in shape and look at we've had four kids so it's taking more
00:00:40.720 effort it's just a fact right and i say and i say the reason for that is like is really simple
00:00:46.320 it's because i have a promise to keep to you like when you signed up for this you sign up for a journey
00:00:52.000 and it is my duty to fulfill my potential to reach the pinnacle of my journey as best as i can reach
00:00:57.760 it i owe that to her because otherwise she signed up not for the man that she married
00:01:02.240 she signed up for the man that she got and you know oscar wilde has a great quote he says that
00:01:09.600 women marry men hoping that they'll change but they don't and men marry women hoping they won't 1.00
00:01:14.480 change but they do wow and so it's my job to honor that phrase by changing as much as i can for the
00:01:21.520 better and it is her job to keep herself appealing to me and it's worked so far for for over 10 years
00:01:27.840 i love that we we too have a no fat clause in our marriage contract yes oh yeah well you guys have
00:01:32.400 a mare tell me tell me about the clauses that's interesting oh my god well there is a no fat clause
00:01:38.640 there's a no boats clause um no boat no boats clause we've we've clauses on everything like like
00:01:43.520 you can't go you can't get a boat without my permission but at least you're both but at least you're both
00:01:47.840 skinny and you're both fit but what if you what what if you expect your wife to look good but you 0.96
00:01:51.680 don't look good you expect your wife to have a great butt but your butt doesn't look great it's 1.00
00:01:55.520 a no fat clause for both of us i don't know about that okay i think that's a good one okay so what 0.97
00:02:00.000 what are your other i'm just curious we went through everything on our relationships on reddit and found
00:02:04.320 out where every relationship fell apart before we got married then we negotiated every point before
00:02:08.480 it would get hot so it has everything from interior temperatures that are allowed and how we negotiate
00:02:12.960 that wait wait about that all the time oh it's too hot oh it's too cold but also like will we allow
00:02:19.040 our children to watch porn uh corn will be allowed um how will we deal with aging parents when they want 0.73
00:02:25.120 to move in uh how do we deal with finances all that is pre-negotiated you should sell that list we
00:02:30.480 actually give it away to people who read our book we like have a template you can just download it
00:02:34.800 yeah because you should you should negotiate this stuff that sure explains the angry boat salesman from
00:02:39.200 earlier sorry can i just ask a question so what if like one of you like do gain weight uh-huh what
00:02:45.840 happens then well so yeah this is actually the really interesting thing about relationship contracts
00:02:49.680 is normally the implied social contract the classic one right you cheat i leave right right very very
00:02:56.800 rarely do people leave and then suddenly nothing in the contract the social contract you know be nice
00:03:02.160 to me be faithful all rules are now on the table right so what's it what is written out in our
00:03:08.960 contract is you know if you break this rule it will hurt my feelings and it's understood that if
00:03:14.880 you hurt my feelings enough times eventually i'm going to decide this isn't worth it anymore he's going
00:03:18.720 to decide it's not worth it anymore and that's a real practical contract the point of the negotiation
00:03:23.600 and all the clauses and terms isn't to get to that point of failure it's to avoid it in in the first
00:03:29.440 place by having shared social contract terms but then let's say if the whole weight gain is due to
00:03:36.560 then a medical factor yeah how would then you go how would you go about that there would be forgiveness
00:03:41.920 and understanding but also there would be the understanding between the two of us that one of
00:03:45.440 us is no longer attractive through no fault of their own yeah but that is going to hurt the relationship
00:03:49.920 maybe a partner has to find if they really want to have you know sex with someone who is attractive
00:03:54.480 maybe it would be understood in the relationship that it's fine for them to go find it elsewhere
00:04:01.280 um but you know i i think that that's it it's a practical thing um but these are these are it the
00:04:07.120 more important thing is that you've negotiated the terms and you have a shared understanding yeah then
00:04:11.200 what happens when the rules get broken because we know what happens you're you know the relationship
00:04:14.640 becomes less valuable to one or both partners but um obviously aren't you about aren't the vows like
00:04:20.800 every sickness and in health oh our and our marriage vows which we wrote because you know
00:04:25.200 yeah we had a secular wedding in a law library um we actually said out loud i do not promise to love
00:04:31.440 you but i do promise to help you become the person you want to be uh because you cannot control who you
00:04:36.400 love love is is is a your body to promise to love someone forever like what a twisted thing is that
00:04:42.880 love is an emotion you don't control it but what i can promise my wife is to every day attempt to try to
00:04:50.160 become the vision that she sees for me and i think one of the most toxic things in a marriage that is
00:04:55.760 affirmed by our society right now is to marry someone who loves you for who you are instead of
00:05:00.320 who you have the potential to be yes and the most important thing when you marry someone isn't who they
00:05:07.120 are isn't even who they have the potential to be it's who they think you have the potential to be
00:05:12.000 because if that is not somebody you want to become that marriage is doomed before it started but
00:05:17.040 if it is somebody who you want to become and everybody knows this so people are like oh your
00:05:20.240 wife can't change you everybody knows your social group your friend group it changes you you know 0.94
00:05:24.080 your wife your spouse they can change you she has changed me and without her i would be a shell of
00:05:30.400 who i am today so what so what you're saying is that i don't know a man has a responsibility to be
00:05:35.680 useful and reach his potential that's a succinct way of saying that only if somebody mentioned that
00:05:39.520 earlier in such a eloquent way that surmised everything you said to such perfection
00:05:47.280 we should do a podcast at some point yeah why you'd say the same thing
00:05:52.960 fewer words say that uh when this when this conversation started my wife introduced herself 1.00
00:05:57.360 as mrs malcolm collins and the reason she did that is that is the way that women used to introduce 1.00
00:06:02.880 themselves because a relationship and life is a journey away from the self you start as the atomic unit
00:06:09.520 when you get married you truly become part of a team that that is presumably inseparable and then
00:06:16.320 through your kids you become a story you become separated from even the physicality of the body
00:06:21.360 and that's how you pass forwards in generations um and yeah i i think that this is a beautiful way to
00:06:28.960 contextualize one's life and and to not cling this is when we talk about the forces that are disrupting
00:06:34.880 marriages one of the core ways they have done this is to atomize marriages to try to make it so that
00:06:40.480 you are not really with your partner and and i think in many ways even some concepts of the nuclear
00:06:47.040 family do that i i say when they first started destroying the marriage was when they took the
00:06:52.000 father out of the home and i think that hopefully you know if you look at the 1800s the corporate
00:06:56.000 family where they all work together that was the dominant type of family in america and i think that
00:07:00.640 in a post-covid world where working from home becomes more common and i hope we can put political
00:07:05.280 pressure on politicians to make it easier to work from home and to make these these ceos who say oh
00:07:09.280 people shouldn't work i was actually thinking that that's like a good um middle ground for for mothers 0.99
00:07:16.160 but like because um because now there's more cities that are requiring two incomes the cost of 0.65
00:07:23.360 everything's growing up i was actually thinking that could potentially be a solution for people that
00:07:28.000 don't have the option for the mom to stay home it's a game changer she's going to 15 minute cities 1.00
00:07:32.800 now she's part of the she's part of the plan what do you mean 15 minute cities uh that's a topic for
00:07:37.760 another conversation for another time what is working from home have to do with the 15 minute cities
00:07:41.920 that's the whole anyways let's let's let's pass the wf agenda for a minute keep this off camera but
00:07:46.560 anyways yeah there's like that's that's the whole postulation of the 2030 agenda is the third is the 15
00:07:50.960 minute city oh really yeah and so they want to put anyways until basically like electronic zones that we
00:07:55.600 can't leave you can't leave yeah yeah it goes it gets it gets weird so do you think it's bad if the
00:08:00.320 mom i was just thinking that would be a potential way for the mom to have an easier time it's a huge 0.77
00:08:04.960 way you're absolutely right 100 i was going to say you guys like had a secular wedding do you live a
00:08:09.680 secular life or is this well everything you're saying is like we're extremely we're extremely religious
00:08:15.360 but we're secular calvinists so we have a constructed religion remember i said some people have lost their
00:08:20.560 traditions and they have to rebuild things i was speaking from experience you know we didn't have
00:08:24.560 traditions but we knew that they would bring value and meaning to our kids and so we just thought
00:08:29.280 through things and said how can we convey the values that we share through traditions that we give to our
00:08:34.640 traditions that we give to our kids what is i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know
00:08:39.360 i don't know i don't know i'm sorry abruptly