JustPearlyThings - June 22, 2023


Divorced Man ENDURES A S3XLESS Marriage For 6 Years


Episode Stats

Length

11 minutes

Words per Minute

141.696

Word Count

1,691

Sentence Count

300

Misogynist Sentences

9


Summary

In this episode, I speak to a man who claims he was in a loveless, sexless relationship with his wife for six years. We talk about the reasons why this happened, why it happened, and how he coped with it.


Transcript

00:00:00.000 How long were, like, how was the marriage? Were you guys, would you say she was, like, a submissive wife?
00:00:07.220 No, not at all. Not at all.
00:00:08.760 This is not why I chose a Polish woman. She seemed exotic to me. She made much of her noble ancestry.
00:00:19.720 There was a certain, she was interesting, and not for the reasons many might think.
00:00:28.040 But she was difficult. She was stubborn, and we, you know, there was no, I think, right, a lot is made of coercive control, right, these days.
00:00:47.620 And I think she has since claimed there was a high degree of coercive control, whatever that looks like.
00:00:55.580 And there was not. Okay, this was a normal relationship where husband and wife, in the early days, basically got on well.
00:01:03.880 She gave birth. She was a fantastic mother. Okay. A great mother.
00:01:08.700 As time went on, perhaps, and pretty soon after she gave birth, really, I would say that our relationship cooled quite badly.
00:01:22.820 This was about how long after birth that things switched?
00:01:26.020 Pretty much, pretty much immediately.
00:01:28.220 Right after the kid? Okay.
00:01:30.180 Now, I'm not naive. I understand a woman giving birth causes a great deal of change in a woman.
00:01:38.300 And you would expect this, you'd expect her attention to be fixed on a child, as it was.
00:01:46.400 Quite right, too.
00:01:48.220 But not at the antipathy of myself, not at the clear, blind hatred of myself.
00:01:55.800 All kind of intimacy stopped. We would have intimate moments twice a year, the very most.
00:02:07.520 You would have sex twice a year?
00:02:09.560 Yeah, that's right.
00:02:10.760 Wow. So, she had the kid, and then the sex stopped?
00:02:14.680 Yeah.
00:02:15.500 Okay.
00:02:15.980 Yeah.
00:02:18.500 And how long did you go on like that?
00:02:22.120 For six years.
00:02:23.560 Wow. So, you had sex with your wife twice a year for six years?
00:02:28.660 Yes.
00:02:29.200 Did you ever step out? Did you ever cheat?
00:02:32.560 Not until the end, I suppose.
00:02:35.360 And even then, I didn't actually cheat.
00:02:37.700 I was...
00:02:38.860 Eventually, I suppose...
00:02:39.920 I mean, that's essentially... I think that's like starving a guy.
00:02:43.160 Yeah, yeah. I mean, it is, isn't it?
00:02:46.820 And any kind of normal relationship between man and wife requires intimacy, whatever that looks like.
00:02:53.560 Okay. Sexual, whatever.
00:02:55.840 Emotional.
00:02:56.520 Yeah.
00:02:58.940 But there was none.
00:03:00.640 And for a normal red-blooded male like myself, it was a source of frustration.
00:03:06.440 I don't... I don't... You can't hide that fact at all.
00:03:09.800 Twice a year? Like, that's mad.
00:03:11.520 Yeah. Yeah. Okay.
00:03:13.420 So, you don't have to... Yeah, it's okay.
00:03:14.600 Still recovering from it.
00:03:15.900 Yeah, because essentially, she gets... So, she gets the... What she wants, which is like a child. She gets the security. But men need sex.
00:03:27.120 Yeah, of course they do.
00:03:27.700 And so, you're essentially starving a guy. So, like, what is he supposed to do?
00:03:31.000 Some may say women need sex as well.
00:03:32.960 But I didn't see it...
00:03:34.140 Was she cheating at all?
00:03:36.800 I don't think so.
00:03:37.900 Okay. Because, like, my head is like, if she's not sleeping with you, who's she sleeping with?
00:03:42.260 Right. Okay.
00:03:44.020 Sorry, this is just how I think.
00:03:45.680 No. No, I think that would be...
00:03:50.420 No, I don't think she did.
00:03:53.360 Okay.
00:03:53.720 But it wouldn't surprise me if she did.
00:03:56.700 In the end, I was caught, I suppose you could say. A woman I'd met through work had texted me a few times. I texted back. And just the attention of a woman. Just the... A woman had noticed me and had found me attractive and she wanted to flirt with me. Yeah, I flirted back. Sure I did.
00:04:22.020 And I didn't actually meet this woman any further. I had no intention. I was stuck in a sexless, loveless relationship. But my son, right, my son was everything to me. He's still everything to me to this day. And really, in my mind, I was thinking, well, how long can I go? Can I continue this to my son? He's 16, 18?
00:04:49.120 Right.
00:04:49.440 How long do I last in this relationship for my son's sake? And really, she took that option away when she found this text message. And I said, well...
00:04:58.440 What was the text message?
00:05:01.900 No, just as I said, really, that it was just a fairly innocent flirt.
00:05:07.440 But you never met up? Never?
00:05:08.800 I didn't... I'd met her previously in a professional way, but I didn't meet up. I didn't meet her afterwards.
00:05:15.800 I wouldn't even blame you if you did, to be honest. I have weird views on this stuff, but...
00:05:20.800 Okay, so at this point, you're having sex twice a year, if that. You have your son, and you're thinking, how long can I do this for?
00:05:35.260 That's right. Yeah, that's actually right.
00:05:37.040 Um, okay. And how... Do you think you would have stuck it out for your son, even if it continued like that?
00:05:45.040 Um... Hindsight, we're talking about, right? Um, had I known then what I know now...
00:05:52.040 That's a very big question. For all the pain and anguish that my son has gone through...
00:06:00.040 I'd have to say, I would probably stick it out, because my son has been so damaged by this, that my...
00:06:09.040 My needs are secondary to that. I can... I would have lived like a monk for much longer.
00:06:15.040 Um... Yeah, it's just been so catastrophic to my son, that...
00:06:22.040 You'd never predict this at the time. I just assumed, when we split, that we'd come to some sort of amical agreement,
00:06:29.040 that obviously me and her would stay friends, because although...
00:06:35.040 Okay, look...
00:06:39.040 I hope I'm not painting a picture of a completely miserable existence.
00:06:43.040 Me and her remain friends, although the physical, sexual aspect of our relationship had long since died.
00:06:50.040 We could go out, we could have good times, as three of us. We were a pretty good unit.
00:06:57.040 It was two of us, me and my wife. No, there was nothing there.
00:07:03.040 So, turning the clock back, yeah, I would have endured to save my son from this.
00:07:12.040 So, she found the texts, and then what happened?
00:07:17.040 I... Every...
00:07:23.040 Every part of my soul was just telling me, just escape, just get out.
00:07:29.040 Just take the opportunity. The opportunity is there to escape.
00:07:33.040 And my son was... It was a time of great inner turmoil that...
00:07:37.040 all about my son. You know, and...
00:07:41.040 And I sold myself...
00:07:43.040 the story that actually...
00:07:45.040 I'd become a better father afterwards.
00:07:49.040 You know, if I'd find a different woman.
00:07:51.040 I would become more complete, more whole.
00:07:57.040 I wouldn't be so miserable. I'd be happy.
00:08:01.040 And...
00:08:02.040 my son would...
00:08:03.040 would benefit from that.
00:08:05.040 That's not how it turned out.
00:08:07.040 Very soon after.
00:08:09.040 Maybe a few weeks after.
00:08:11.040 So, did... after what?
00:08:13.040 Oh. After the texts?
00:08:15.040 After I left.
00:08:16.040 Okay, so you left.
00:08:17.040 So, yes, I did leave.
00:08:19.040 And basically, I was told to leave by my ex-wife.
00:08:23.040 Okay, she told you to leave?
00:08:25.040 Yes.
00:08:26.040 Okay.
00:08:27.040 She told me to leave, and I left.
00:08:29.040 There were...
00:08:31.040 It sounds rather clear-cut now.
00:08:34.040 There were times where she wanted me back, she didn't.
00:08:38.040 I wanted to come back, I didn't.
00:08:40.040 You know, there's a period of...
00:08:41.040 Like back and forth.
00:08:42.040 My God, am I doing the right thing, you know?
00:08:44.040 And...
00:08:45.040 Eventually, yes, I left.
00:08:47.040 And...
00:08:48.040 But, look.
00:08:50.040 It wasn't...
00:08:52.040 My ex helped me out with the furniture.
00:08:55.040 Right?
00:08:56.040 She...
00:08:57.040 She said, well, you can have this.
00:08:58.040 I'll... I'll keep that.
00:08:59.040 And she was actually...
00:09:00.040 You know, I got the van.
00:09:01.040 And she was actually helping me lift furniture into the van.
00:09:04.040 You know, there wasn't...
00:09:06.040 I thought, okay, this is awkward.
00:09:08.040 This is...
00:09:09.040 painful.
00:09:10.040 But this is going to settle down.
00:09:11.040 Because we can do this together.
00:09:13.040 We can be friends.
00:09:14.040 We can...
00:09:15.040 Surely...
00:09:16.040 Do the best...
00:09:17.040 For my son.
00:09:19.040 And...
00:09:20.040 A few weeks transpired.
00:09:23.040 And...
00:09:24.040 Trying to make arrangements to see my son.
00:09:28.040 Became more and more difficult over these...
00:09:30.040 These two or three weeks.
00:09:32.040 Um...
00:09:33.040 Just...
00:09:34.040 Initially, she was inviting me...
00:09:36.040 To their home.
00:09:38.040 Um...
00:09:39.040 Cooking dinner for me.
00:09:40.040 I would take my son out playing.
00:09:42.040 Whatever.
00:09:43.040 You know, play tennis at local...
00:09:45.040 Courts.
00:09:46.040 Or...
00:09:47.040 Playing on the trampoline.
00:09:48.040 All sorts we'd do.
00:09:49.040 I even taught him to ride his bike during that time.
00:09:52.040 And...
00:09:53.040 Um...
00:09:54.040 It just got more and more fraught.
00:09:58.040 That...
00:09:59.040 The phone calls were being ignored.
00:10:00.040 The text messages were being...
00:10:02.040 Ignored.
00:10:03.040 More and more cryptic messages were coming back.
00:10:06.040 Just simple things like...
00:10:07.040 I want to...
00:10:08.040 I want to see my son today.
00:10:09.040 Yeah.
00:10:10.040 He wants to see me.
00:10:11.040 Etc.
00:10:12.040 This is...
00:10:13.040 This is normal.
00:10:14.040 And she would say...
00:10:15.040 Yeah, yeah.
00:10:16.040 No problems.
00:10:17.040 Come and collect him.
00:10:18.040 Do what you like.
00:10:19.040 And then closer to the day...
00:10:20.040 Oh...
00:10:21.040 He doesn't want to.
00:10:23.040 This isn't him.
00:10:24.040 This is...
00:10:25.040 You don't want him to.
00:10:27.040 No.
00:10:28.040 No.
00:10:29.040 He doesn't want to go.
00:10:30.040 Can we rearrange for some other day?
00:10:32.040 And I said...
00:10:33.040 Well, no.
00:10:34.040 Hang on.
00:10:35.040 I've arranged this day.
00:10:36.040 And...
00:10:38.040 It made me upset.
00:10:39.040 It made everybody upset.
00:10:40.040 Because this was just deliberate.
00:10:43.040 Deliberate problems.
00:10:45.040 Deliberate hurdles.
00:10:46.040 Being put.
00:10:47.040 In our way.
00:10:48.040 And...
00:10:49.040 Yeah.
00:10:50.040 Eventually.
00:10:51.040 It came to a point.
00:10:54.040 Where I did manage.
00:10:55.040 The final time.
00:10:56.040 I did manage to pick him up.
00:10:58.040 With my mother.
00:10:59.040 In her...
00:11:00.040 In her van.
00:11:01.040 Um...
00:11:02.040 We went for a little picnic.
00:11:06.040 We didn't have time to do the...
00:11:08.040 The activities I had in mind.
00:11:10.040 It was getting quite late in the day.
00:11:12.040 And...
00:11:13.040 I went to pick him up.
00:11:14.040 I was...
00:11:15.040 We were in a rush.
00:11:16.040 I don't...
00:11:17.040 I don't deny that.
00:11:18.040 We picked him up.
00:11:19.040 Because...
00:11:20.040 Time was getting short.
00:11:21.040 It was getting quite late in the evening.
00:11:22.040 I said...
00:11:23.040 Look.
00:11:24.040 I'll...
00:11:25.040 I'll...
00:11:26.040 Bring him back at...
00:11:27.040 Such a time.
00:11:28.040 Eight o'clock, was it?
00:11:29.040 Taking him for a little picnic.
00:11:30.040 Up a hill.
00:11:31.040 Called Belongmint.
00:11:32.040 Which is a large...
00:11:33.040 Kind of...
00:11:34.040 Expanse of wilderness.
00:11:35.040 In a sad disruption.
00:11:36.040 And...
00:11:37.040 Yeah.
00:11:38.040 Me and my son.
00:11:39.040 My mother.
00:11:40.040 Had a wonderful time.
00:11:41.040 We had a picnic.
00:11:42.040 Bit of tomfoolery.
00:11:43.040 You know.
00:11:44.040 Pausing back.
00:11:45.040 As arranged.
00:11:46.040 To be met.
00:11:47.040 By...
00:11:48.040 One of my ex's darling.
00:11:51.040 Friends.
00:11:52.040 Emily asked.
00:11:55.040 Emily asked.