JustPearlyThings - June 22, 2023


Divorced Man ENDURES A S3XLESS Marriage For 6 Years

Hosted by
Hannah Pearl Davis
Pearl Calls Out Delusional Instagram Model On Her BS OBESITY is PROMOTED in Society

Episode Stats


Length

11 minutes

Words per minute

141.7

Word count

1,691

Sentence count

333

Harmful content

Misogyny

9

sentences flagged

Toxicity

6

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

In this episode, I speak to a man who claims he was in a loveless, sexless relationship with his wife for six years. We talk about the reasons why this happened, why it happened, and how he coped with it.

Transcript

Transcript generated with Whisper (turbo).
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Toxicity classifications generated with s-nlp/roberta_toxicity_classifier .
Hosts, guests, and mentioned names generated with spaCy (en_core_web_sm), reconciled against Wikidata.
00:00:00.000 How long were, like, how was the marriage? Were you guys, would you say she was, like, a submissive wife?
00:00:07.220 No, not at all. Not at all.
00:00:08.760 This is not why I chose a Polish woman. She seemed exotic to me. She made much of her noble ancestry. 0.99
00:00:19.720 There was a certain, she was interesting, and not for the reasons many might think.
00:00:28.040 But she was difficult. She was stubborn, and we, you know, there was no, I think, right, a lot is made of coercive control, right, these days.
00:00:47.620 And I think she has since claimed there was a high degree of coercive control, whatever that looks like.
00:00:55.580 And there was not. Okay, this was a normal relationship where husband and wife, in the early days, basically got on well.
00:01:03.880 She gave birth. She was a fantastic mother. Okay. A great mother. 0.70
00:01:08.700 As time went on, perhaps, and pretty soon after she gave birth, really, I would say that our relationship cooled quite badly.
00:01:22.820 This was about how long after birth that things switched?
00:01:26.020 Pretty much, pretty much immediately.
00:01:28.220 Right after the kid? Okay.
00:01:30.180 Now, I'm not naive. I understand a woman giving birth causes a great deal of change in a woman.
00:01:38.300 And you would expect this, you'd expect her attention to be fixed on a child, as it was.
00:01:46.400 Quite right, too.
00:01:48.220 But not at the antipathy of myself, not at the clear, blind hatred of myself.
00:01:55.800 All kind of intimacy stopped. We would have intimate moments twice a year, the very most.
00:02:07.520 You would have sex twice a year? 0.61
00:02:09.560 Yeah, that's right. 0.99
00:02:10.760 Wow. So, she had the kid, and then the sex stopped?
00:02:14.680 Yeah.
00:02:15.500 Okay.
00:02:15.980 Yeah.
00:02:18.500 And how long did you go on like that?
00:02:22.120 For six years.
00:02:23.560 Wow. So, you had sex with your wife twice a year for six years? 0.99
00:02:28.660 Yes. 0.88
00:02:29.200 Did you ever step out? Did you ever cheat?
00:02:32.560 Not until the end, I suppose.
00:02:35.360 And even then, I didn't actually cheat.
00:02:37.700 I was...
00:02:38.860 Eventually, I suppose...
00:02:39.920 I mean, that's essentially... I think that's like starving a guy.
00:02:43.160 Yeah, yeah. I mean, it is, isn't it?
00:02:46.820 And any kind of normal relationship between man and wife requires intimacy, whatever that looks like.
00:02:53.560 Okay. Sexual, whatever.
00:02:55.840 Emotional.
00:02:56.520 Yeah.
00:02:58.940 But there was none.
00:03:00.640 And for a normal red-blooded male like myself, it was a source of frustration.
00:03:06.440 I don't... I don't... You can't hide that fact at all.
00:03:09.800 Twice a year? Like, that's mad.
00:03:11.520 Yeah. Yeah. Okay.
00:03:13.420 So, you don't have to... Yeah, it's okay.
00:03:14.600 Still recovering from it.
00:03:15.900 Yeah, because essentially, she gets... So, she gets the... What she wants, which is like a child. She gets the security. But men need sex. 1.00
00:03:27.120 Yeah, of course they do. 0.99
00:03:27.700 And so, you're essentially starving a guy. So, like, what is he supposed to do?
00:03:31.000 Some may say women need sex as well. 1.00
00:03:32.960 But I didn't see it... 0.94
00:03:34.140 Was she cheating at all? 1.00
00:03:36.800 I don't think so.
00:03:37.900 Okay. Because, like, my head is like, if she's not sleeping with you, who's she sleeping with?
00:03:42.260 Right. Okay.
00:03:44.020 Sorry, this is just how I think.
00:03:45.680 No. No, I think that would be...
00:03:50.420 No, I don't think she did.
00:03:53.360 Okay.
00:03:53.720 But it wouldn't surprise me if she did.
00:03:56.700 In the end, I was caught, I suppose you could say. A woman I'd met through work had texted me a few times. I texted back. And just the attention of a woman. Just the... A woman had noticed me and had found me attractive and she wanted to flirt with me. Yeah, I flirted back. Sure I did.
00:04:22.020 And I didn't actually meet this woman any further. I had no intention. I was stuck in a sexless, loveless relationship. But my son, right, my son was everything to me. He's still everything to me to this day. And really, in my mind, I was thinking, well, how long can I go? Can I continue this to my son? He's 16, 18?
00:04:49.120 Right.
00:04:49.440 How long do I last in this relationship for my son's sake? And really, she took that option away when she found this text message. And I said, well...
00:04:58.440 What was the text message?
00:05:01.900 No, just as I said, really, that it was just a fairly innocent flirt.
00:05:07.440 But you never met up? Never?
00:05:08.800 I didn't... I'd met her previously in a professional way, but I didn't meet up. I didn't meet her afterwards.
00:05:15.800 I wouldn't even blame you if you did, to be honest. I have weird views on this stuff, but...
00:05:20.800 Okay, so at this point, you're having sex twice a year, if that. You have your son, and you're thinking, how long can I do this for?
00:05:35.260 That's right. Yeah, that's actually right.
00:05:37.040 Um, okay. And how... Do you think you would have stuck it out for your son, even if it continued like that?
00:05:45.040 Um... Hindsight, we're talking about, right? Um, had I known then what I know now...
00:05:52.040 That's a very big question. For all the pain and anguish that my son has gone through...
00:06:00.040 I'd have to say, I would probably stick it out, because my son has been so damaged by this, that my...
00:06:09.040 My needs are secondary to that. I can... I would have lived like a monk for much longer.
00:06:15.040 Um... Yeah, it's just been so catastrophic to my son, that...
00:06:22.040 You'd never predict this at the time. I just assumed, when we split, that we'd come to some sort of amical agreement,
00:06:29.040 that obviously me and her would stay friends, because although...
00:06:35.040 Okay, look...
00:06:39.040 I hope I'm not painting a picture of a completely miserable existence.
00:06:43.040 Me and her remain friends, although the physical, sexual aspect of our relationship had long since died.
00:06:50.040 We could go out, we could have good times, as three of us. We were a pretty good unit.
00:06:57.040 It was two of us, me and my wife. No, there was nothing there.
00:07:03.040 So, turning the clock back, yeah, I would have endured to save my son from this.
00:07:12.040 So, she found the texts, and then what happened?
00:07:17.040 I... Every...
00:07:23.040 Every part of my soul was just telling me, just escape, just get out.
00:07:29.040 Just take the opportunity. The opportunity is there to escape.
00:07:33.040 And my son was... It was a time of great inner turmoil that...
00:07:37.040 all about my son. You know, and...
00:07:41.040 And I sold myself...
00:07:43.040 the story that actually...
00:07:45.040 I'd become a better father afterwards.
00:07:49.040 You know, if I'd find a different woman. 1.00
00:07:51.040 I would become more complete, more whole.
00:07:57.040 I wouldn't be so miserable. I'd be happy.
00:08:01.040 And...
00:08:02.040 my son would...
00:08:03.040 would benefit from that.
00:08:05.040 That's not how it turned out.
00:08:07.040 Very soon after.
00:08:09.040 Maybe a few weeks after.
00:08:11.040 So, did... after what?
00:08:13.040 Oh. After the texts?
00:08:15.040 After I left.
00:08:16.040 Okay, so you left.
00:08:17.040 So, yes, I did leave.
00:08:19.040 And basically, I was told to leave by my ex-wife.
00:08:23.040 Okay, she told you to leave?
00:08:25.040 Yes.
00:08:26.040 Okay.
00:08:27.040 She told me to leave, and I left.
00:08:29.040 There were...
00:08:31.040 It sounds rather clear-cut now.
00:08:34.040 There were times where she wanted me back, she didn't.
00:08:38.040 I wanted to come back, I didn't.
00:08:40.040 You know, there's a period of...
00:08:41.040 Like back and forth.
00:08:42.040 My God, am I doing the right thing, you know?
00:08:44.040 And...
00:08:45.040 Eventually, yes, I left.
00:08:47.040 And...
00:08:48.040 But, look.
00:08:50.040 It wasn't...
00:08:52.040 My ex helped me out with the furniture.
00:08:55.040 Right?
00:08:56.040 She... 1.00
00:08:57.040 She said, well, you can have this.
00:08:58.040 I'll... I'll keep that.
00:08:59.040 And she was actually...
00:09:00.040 You know, I got the van.
00:09:01.040 And she was actually helping me lift furniture into the van.
00:09:04.040 You know, there wasn't...
00:09:06.040 I thought, okay, this is awkward.
00:09:08.040 This is...
00:09:09.040 painful.
00:09:10.040 But this is going to settle down.
00:09:11.040 Because we can do this together.
00:09:13.040 We can be friends.
00:09:14.040 We can...
00:09:15.040 Surely...
00:09:16.040 Do the best...
00:09:17.040 For my son.
00:09:19.040 And...
00:09:20.040 A few weeks transpired.
00:09:23.040 And...
00:09:24.040 Trying to make arrangements to see my son.
00:09:28.040 Became more and more difficult over these...
00:09:30.040 These two or three weeks.
00:09:32.040 Um...
00:09:33.040 Just...
00:09:34.040 Initially, she was inviting me...
00:09:36.040 To their home.
00:09:38.040 Um...
00:09:39.040 Cooking dinner for me.
00:09:40.040 I would take my son out playing.
00:09:42.040 Whatever.
00:09:43.040 You know, play tennis at local...
00:09:45.040 Courts.
00:09:46.040 Or...
00:09:47.040 Playing on the trampoline.
00:09:48.040 All sorts we'd do.
00:09:49.040 I even taught him to ride his bike during that time.
00:09:52.040 And...
00:09:53.040 Um...
00:09:54.040 It just got more and more fraught.
00:09:58.040 That...
00:09:59.040 The phone calls were being ignored.
00:10:00.040 The text messages were being...
00:10:02.040 Ignored.
00:10:03.040 More and more cryptic messages were coming back.
00:10:06.040 Just simple things like...
00:10:07.040 I want to...
00:10:08.040 I want to see my son today.
00:10:09.040 Yeah.
00:10:10.040 He wants to see me.
00:10:11.040 Etc.
00:10:12.040 This is...
00:10:13.040 This is normal.
00:10:14.040 And she would say...
00:10:15.040 Yeah, yeah.
00:10:16.040 No problems.
00:10:17.040 Come and collect him.
00:10:18.040 Do what you like.
00:10:19.040 And then closer to the day...
00:10:20.040 Oh...
00:10:21.040 He doesn't want to.
00:10:23.040 This isn't him.
00:10:24.040 This is...
00:10:25.040 You don't want him to.
00:10:27.040 No.
00:10:28.040 No.
00:10:29.040 He doesn't want to go.
00:10:30.040 Can we rearrange for some other day?
00:10:32.040 And I said...
00:10:33.040 Well, no.
00:10:34.040 Hang on.
00:10:35.040 I've arranged this day.
00:10:36.040 And...
00:10:38.040 It made me upset.
00:10:39.040 It made everybody upset.
00:10:40.040 Because this was just deliberate.
00:10:43.040 Deliberate problems.
00:10:45.040 Deliberate hurdles.
00:10:46.040 Being put.
00:10:47.040 In our way.
00:10:48.040 And...
00:10:49.040 Yeah.
00:10:50.040 Eventually.
00:10:51.040 It came to a point.
00:10:54.040 Where I did manage.
00:10:55.040 The final time.
00:10:56.040 I did manage to pick him up.
00:10:58.040 With my mother.
00:10:59.040 In her... 0.85
00:11:00.040 In her van.
00:11:01.040 Um...
00:11:02.040 We went for a little picnic.
00:11:06.040 We didn't have time to do the...
00:11:08.040 The activities I had in mind.
00:11:10.040 It was getting quite late in the day.
00:11:12.040 And...
00:11:13.040 I went to pick him up.
00:11:14.040 I was...
00:11:15.040 We were in a rush.
00:11:16.040 I don't...
00:11:17.040 I don't deny that.
00:11:18.040 We picked him up.
00:11:19.040 Because...
00:11:20.040 Time was getting short.
00:11:21.040 It was getting quite late in the evening.
00:11:22.040 I said...
00:11:23.040 Look.
00:11:24.040 I'll...
00:11:25.040 I'll...
00:11:26.040 Bring him back at...
00:11:27.040 Such a time.
00:11:28.040 Eight o'clock, was it?
00:11:29.040 Taking him for a little picnic.
00:11:30.040 Up a hill.
00:11:31.040 Called Belongmint.
00:11:32.040 Which is a large...
00:11:33.040 Kind of...
00:11:34.040 Expanse of wilderness.
00:11:35.040 In a sad disruption.
00:11:36.040 And...
00:11:37.040 Yeah.
00:11:38.040 Me and my son.
00:11:39.040 My mother.
00:11:40.040 Had a wonderful time.
00:11:41.040 We had a picnic.
00:11:42.040 Bit of tomfoolery.
00:11:43.040 You know.
00:11:44.040 Pausing back.
00:11:45.040 As arranged.
00:11:46.040 To be met.
00:11:47.040 By...
00:11:48.040 One of my ex's darling.
00:11:51.040 Friends.
00:11:52.040 Emily asked.
00:11:55.040 Emily asked.