JustPearlyThings - Misandrist on why she can’t respect men

00:00:00.000 Okay, do you think your race affects dating?

00:00:04.400 What do you lot think?

00:00:06.520 Yeah.

00:00:07.460 Go on, what do you think?

00:00:08.700 Does your race affect your date?

00:00:09.940 Yeah, of course, because it depends on how the person perceives you.

00:00:13.860 But your race is not something that you can hide as soon as you walk into a room.

00:00:17.240 People assume and can see your race.

00:00:20.080 Other things about you, people will not tell until you open your mouth,

00:00:23.080 but your race you can't get away with.

00:00:24.660 If we're talking about skin colour, maybe...

00:00:26.400 I'm not talking about if you've got an assumption race, but anyway.

00:00:28.120 So therefore, someone is straight away going to have a perception,

00:00:32.940 conscious or unconscious, bias towards you.

00:00:37.060 And therefore, from there, they'll depend on how they want to approach you.

00:00:40.860 Maggie, in the back, what do you think about...

00:00:42.420 So a couple of things to answer this question.

00:00:45.520 Yes, race matters because the purpose of dating

00:00:49.520 is to choose who would be a suitable mate for marriage or for long term. 0.95

00:00:55.160 So I would think that when you're dating with that intention,

00:00:59.900 you're looking at who you would want to combine your life with

00:01:03.880 and your family's life with.

00:01:05.480 So, of course, you can just have fun.

00:01:07.540 But if you're dating with intention,

00:01:08.980 you need to be able to see that person in your life

00:01:12.860 and your family's life for the long term.

00:01:15.260 And I'm not saying anything is right or wrong,

00:01:17.400 but yes, it's considered.

00:01:18.380 But I would like to offer something to the young mother, if I may.

00:01:22.900 So just a couple of things that you said,

00:01:25.440 and I'm really proud of you for being brave and being honest.

00:01:28.640 But just moving forward,

00:01:30.900 the first thing that you said that struck me,

00:01:33.240 you said how you felt about the man.

00:01:37.940 I felt this way about him.

00:01:40.120 I was attracted to him.

00:01:42.000 All the wonderful qualities.

00:01:43.500 Just be mindful that men establish relationships.

00:01:48.440 So up and until he says,

00:01:51.220 I belong to you and you belong to me,

00:01:53.940 or I would like to take this to the next level.

00:01:57.140 I don't want to see other people.

00:01:58.660 Anything other than that, it's not a relationship.

00:02:01.360 Even if we feel all of the things,

00:02:04.100 unless the man has established it,

00:02:06.380 you are not in relationship.

00:02:07.640 And I think as women,

00:02:08.560 it would be wise of us to not assume

00:02:11.540 just because we feel some way, it's so.

00:02:14.160 So that was the first thing.

00:02:15.180 And then the second thing you said,

00:02:17.100 you had some questions about the relationship.

00:02:19.400 It was more of a situationship.

00:02:20.920 However, you did say that you two made a decision together

00:02:24.300 to have the child.

00:02:27.240 And it just struck me that

00:02:28.680 how could a man move past step one

00:02:31.760 of claiming you as his own,

00:02:34.400 but then be ready to make a decision together

00:02:37.140 to have a child.

00:02:38.260 So it was out of order and backwards.

00:02:40.620 So moving forward so that you don't repeat that,

00:02:44.040 just keep those two things in mind

00:02:45.500 when you're dealing with men.

00:02:47.000 Thank you.

00:02:47.600 You're welcome.

00:02:48.440 Maggie is just, Maggie is just.

00:02:50.820 Maggie is just the cloud, the sun,

00:02:54.300 the star, the moon.

00:02:55.580 What are you cooking, Maggie?

00:02:57.940 Today I made French toast.

00:03:00.180 I made mac and cheese.

00:03:02.360 I made fried apples.

00:03:05.560 Fried apples, yeah, a la mode.

00:03:07.280 I've been cooking a lot, but I enjoy it.

00:03:09.560 She's just cooking love. 0.99

00:03:11.060 That's what Maggie is. 0.95

00:03:12.920 I want problems.

00:03:14.500 Oh, okay, sorry.

00:03:15.360 Yes, I'm here for problems, bruv, yeah.

00:03:17.660 Anyway, so what do you think about it?

00:03:19.800 How does race affect dating?

00:03:21.840 I believe it affects it highly.

00:03:24.580 It really does.

00:03:25.400 Go on.

00:03:25.580 So even within the same race, 0.62

00:03:28.340 so me going towards a black man,

00:03:30.740 as a black woman myself,

00:03:33.100 some black men have a perception on dark-skinned women.

00:03:36.540 What's that perception?

00:03:37.640 That she may be, she may have attitude,

00:03:40.760 she may be loud, she may be abrupt, 0.99

00:03:42.440 she may be irrational.

00:03:45.620 So I feel like it does matter.

00:03:47.600 You have to make sure that when you are going with someone,

00:03:51.600 you know, that everything's on the same spectrum.

00:03:53.820 They understand you as a person.

00:03:55.860 They understand your culture, your background,

00:03:58.440 and they respect it.

00:04:00.820 Where do you think that stereotype comes from?

00:04:03.160 Oh, gosh, where does it come from?

00:04:06.000 Is it a difficult question, do you think?

00:04:08.420 I feel like sometimes it comes from being personal.

00:04:12.040 I would say sometimes it comes from my mothers

00:04:13.700 because some of us are raised by women who are still angry.

00:04:18.260 Some of us are raised by women who don't necessarily like men.

00:04:23.740 Me, myself, I don't personally feel like I was raised to be a wife

00:04:26.840 because I was raised by a single black mother

00:04:29.460 who is also a lesbian, who is also a feminist. 1.00

00:04:32.960 So it's a wide spectrum of women. 1.00

00:04:35.660 So what do you think your mum has raised you up to be,

00:04:39.560 if not like a traditional woman,

00:04:41.100 and what she raised you up to be then?

00:04:42.500 She's raised me up to be an independent, strong black woman

00:04:45.360 who stands up for herself and goes for what she wants

00:04:49.700 and makes sure she can have money 1.00

00:04:51.920 and she can do what she can do.

00:04:54.000 Oh, my God, make sense.

00:04:54.880 She can do everything for herself, basically,

00:04:57.220 because she didn't have a man to help her.

00:05:00.080 So she's raised me to be the woman who is a go-getter.

00:05:02.660 Do you think that was wise to do that?

00:05:07.920 I feel like it has its pros and it has its cons.

00:05:11.400 So I would say it's wise because of the woman I am now.

00:05:14.240 I know that I'm motivated.

00:05:16.880 I'm successful in my own right and I'm going to be even more successful.

00:05:21.220 I've got money in the bank.

00:05:22.540 I can afford certain things that maybe some men that I even go for 0.99

00:05:25.820 might not even be able to afford.

00:05:27.480 So I feel like, yeah, in some senses, yeah.

00:05:31.800 In the other sense, perhaps not because of how I have looked at men growing up.

00:05:38.760 I personally don't think I've always respected men

00:05:41.180 because I didn't always respect my dad

00:05:42.620 because he wasn't there in my life

00:05:44.720 and he wasn't the man I wanted him to be.

00:05:46.760 But as I got older, I had to realise, okay,

00:05:49.220 my dad's never going to be the man I want him to be.

00:05:51.320 I have to accept him for who he is

00:05:53.740 and appreciate my mum's siblings, for example.

00:05:56.660 My mum's got loads of brothers

00:05:57.600 and they are the role models in my life.

00:05:59.680 So I feel like it took me a long time

00:06:03.120 to get to a point where I was like, okay, yeah,

00:06:05.980 I can respect a man.

00:06:07.760 Because before that, they were just accessible items.

00:06:13.580 Did you look at men as like, you know,

00:06:15.340 they're just there to be used kind of thing?

00:06:16.940 I wouldn't say to be used,

00:06:20.340 but I just would say that I didn't have respect for them

00:06:24.380 if they told me to do something or they had an opinion.

00:06:27.200 Like delete your Instagram pictures.

00:06:28.660 Yeah, exactly.

00:06:30.120 I would have been like what I said.

00:06:31.740 I would have been like, no, honey, no.

00:06:34.040 But now listening to what everybody said,

00:06:36.100 do you know what, I've taken a few points

00:06:37.300 and I really understand the importance of a real man.

00:06:41.840 If this is a quality man in my face,

00:06:43.940 by all means, honey, I'm going to take it down.

00:06:49.000 Okay, okay.

00:06:49.740 Wow.

00:06:50.820 I've learned a lot.

00:06:52.340 Also, Ryan, you're just sweating us growth.

00:06:54.080 It's in an hour, that's it.

00:06:55.180 Can I ask the question?

00:06:55.760 No, I respect you.

00:06:57.080 Go, go, go, go.

00:06:58.420 Just real quick,

00:06:59.620 because I think we kind of started at this question

00:07:02.840 from a race perspective.

00:07:06.000 And the things that she mentioned,

00:07:07.820 I think is important

00:07:09.000 because who you were raised by,

00:07:13.300 the environment that you were raised by,

00:07:16.240 is probably going to determine

00:07:17.520 the way that you're going to conduct yourself.

00:07:20.060 Absolutely.

00:07:20.800 And I just think it's so interesting

00:07:22.640 that when we talked about

00:07:24.480 or asked her regarding difficulty within race,

00:07:27.760 she immediately jumped towards,

00:07:29.920 like because of her skin color 1.00

00:07:31.400 or maybe perhaps her race

00:07:33.000 that she's maybe seen as combative,

00:07:34.560 but then describes an environment

00:07:37.080 where it seems as though

00:07:39.360 you were taught to be combative to a man.

00:07:44.080 And then you said recently,

00:07:45.340 you've come up to the idea

00:07:46.880 and the understanding of the importance of men.

00:07:49.900 So I just want to ask,

00:07:51.480 and I think that it's very important,

00:07:52.700 especially for the women that are watching, 1.00

00:07:54.480 what are the things that you have done

00:07:56.040 in order to relinquish the spirit of your mother

00:07:58.880 and the environment that you were raised in

00:08:01.460 to know, love, and understand men

00:08:03.320 going into the future?

00:08:06.980 I read a lot of books, number one,

00:08:09.200 but I would say forgiveness.

00:08:11.360 I chose to forgive myself

00:08:14.460 for wanting my dad to be the man

00:08:18.280 that he's never going to be for so long.

00:08:19.960 I chose to forgive my mother

00:08:21.580 for not allowing my dad to be in my life,

00:08:25.880 even if he did want to try.

00:08:28.080 And that was what it was.

00:08:30.080 It was forgiveness.

00:08:30.940 That's what I chose.

00:08:31.720 I chose forgiving myself and forgiving my mother

00:08:33.940 and forgiving my dad

00:08:35.000 because ultimately I would just be an angry person

00:08:37.960 with nowhere to direct my anger

00:08:39.640 because certain questions are not going to get answered.

00:08:43.020 So forgiveness was the key for me.

00:08:45.860 Do you sort of feel like you need to take an accelerated course, right?

00:08:48.780 Like if your end goal inevitably is to be with a man

00:08:52.500 and you're already starting years behind,

00:08:55.560 I think you said you're like 28 years old, right?

00:08:57.320 27.

00:08:58.100 27.

00:08:59.100 So forgiveness is one thing.

00:09:00.420 Is there anything else that you maybe want to let the audience know

00:09:03.640 as far as making acceleration?

00:09:05.480 And I say this because being at 28

00:09:08.640 and then still having to relinquish,

00:09:10.280 because even still, you know, this is words.

00:09:12.120 You're just saying that, you know,

00:09:13.500 I mean, you know how to treat a man now, 0.94

00:09:14.560 but we really don't know until we put you in front of a man

00:09:16.940 and he asks you certain questions.

00:09:18.340 I mean, even the thing about Instagram,

00:09:19.680 it sounds like there's a degree of combat when it comes to that, right?

00:09:23.480 So I guess is there anything else that you have done

00:09:25.260 to try to accelerate

00:09:26.200 because you're starting farther behind

00:09:28.220 than women that are becoming 18 right now

00:09:30.540 that didn't have that type of mindset

00:09:32.880 and maybe grew up like a Melanie's mindset,

00:09:34.660 which was a wife's mindset? 1.00

00:09:36.500 Because right now you're competing with women 1.00

00:09:38.800 10 years younger than you.

00:09:40.260 Well, do you know what?

00:09:42.460 I did therapy and I'm still in it.

00:09:44.260 That is one thing that I would say has helped me majorly.

00:09:47.560 And I've also got a mentor,

00:09:48.980 it was an older woman who guides me majorly. 0.99

00:09:53.040 And exercise.

00:09:55.160 I know that sounds wild,

00:09:56.400 but meditation, exercise and therapy is the key.

00:09:59.880 That is what has helped me majorly.

00:10:02.720 I'm just speaking to a lot of men as well,

00:10:04.660 not in any, you know, non-sexually,

00:10:06.920 but I'm speaking to a lot of older men

00:10:08.540 to understand their minds.

00:10:09.680 And I'm speaking to my granddad,

00:10:11.460 I'm speaking to my uncles and my brothers

00:10:13.780 and trying to understand their perspective of women

00:10:16.860 and all the questions that I didn't necessarily ask

00:10:20.280 because I didn't have respect for men,

00:10:21.700 I'm now asking because I have, you know,

00:10:24.680 my ego's gone, if that makes sense.

00:10:27.200 As many of you know, I was just banned on TikTok

00:10:30.120 and we are demonetized on a daily basis on this platform.

00:10:34.560 If you want to help,

00:10:36.380 please consider sending a super thanks below.

00:10:39.460 Every donation helps

00:10:40.760 and it helps make what we do possible.

JustPearlyThings - March 19, 2023

Misandrist on why she can’t respect men

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