In this episode, I sit down with my good friend and former husband's ex-wife to talk about cheating, divorce, and what it was like growing up in a dysfunctional family. We talk about what it's like being a single parent and how to deal with the challenges that come with it.
00:00:00.000Do you think I do think people should try to work out cheating though?
00:00:02.600Like I like I think like it's about the kids. It's not about you. You should try to work it out
00:00:09.180No offense people watching this but like
00:00:11.560My mom and dad got divorced I when I was four and it was because my dad cheated on her and I don't think anyone should
00:00:17.400You know, I think cheating. I don't inherently think cheating is a good thing
00:00:20.500But I think I sometimes wonder what would my life have looked like had they been together
00:00:25.340I wonder that every day. How would I have been? You know, I'm I'm I'm grateful I know I am the way I am now
00:00:30.000but I'm just saying like I know there's a lot of girls out there who have
00:00:33.940Dysfunctional families and don't have a father mother that are together and I've seen people with who have their mother and father together
00:00:38.920And they're very different people the way they approach themselves the way they talk to people the way they react to situations
00:00:44.940They're just different people and I think that's beautiful
00:00:46.940And so like that's even like a reason like I want I wish more people more women and men would see oh
00:00:51.760I want to have a healthy family. I want to break the generational trauma
00:00:55.280The generational disrupt, you know, the generational problems. Do you ever wish you stayed?
00:01:01.700Absolutely. Really? Yeah. Well, I wish we could have worked it out. Mm-hmm. Absolutely. So what what made you guys get divorced?
00:01:42.020It started off that way because there's just so much lies and deceit and can I trust this person and then but I really really wanted to
00:01:48.480To make it work. I was like, why don't we will just have an open marriage, which I knew would probably kill me inside
00:01:53.100But I was like, yeah, I even offered it, you know, I was like, let's really really really wanted it
00:01:57.360I even gave him a contract for a second child
00:01:59.040I said you don't even have to pay for the child
00:02:01.080Like I just I really wanted the marriage to stay together, but I just got scared
00:02:05.380So if it was just strictly cheating, do you think it would have worked out and it would have been all right? No
00:02:11.200Well, I needed certain things to change. I needed some securities that weren't that weren't that weren't there
00:02:17.040Because I think always what do you mean securities do you mind saying or no? Well when I
00:02:21.040Found out that he was cheating. I also looked into like our life a little bit more deeply and I realized that absolutely nothing was in my name
00:02:28.480I had nothing and I was like, oh my gosh
00:02:31.200I'm in a really vulnerable position here because I never even thought about it
00:02:35.440And so then I was like, listen, I need to have some stake in our lives
00:02:40.000Yeah, and it was a protection protective mechanism clearly and he was like, no
00:04:28.000Yeah, took because if I have a family I made up I make a vow I make a vow
00:04:32.800I make a vow to to God to higher power that I will stick with this person for the rest of my life
00:04:37.680Of course, I thought that I did that with your father, too
00:04:40.000But you know it happened, but I can never make up for that for you not having a dad
00:04:43.440And there was a spiritual this like there was a spiritual disconnection there
00:04:48.000Well, our values were different. I thought we were in a monogamous relationship, but I you know found out otherwise and maybe it was a phase
00:04:54.880I don't know. Maybe you can't change people. I don't know, but you know, it's sad
00:06:17.360Came from single mother homes, especially with like multiple baby daddies or like whatever and they the kids that got ended up getting taken and like
00:06:24.880Put in the system and they've never they don't know any sense of stability or function
00:06:29.840And so if you look at all the like major issues in society a lot are linked to single mother homes and single father homes don't have the same outcomes
00:06:36.800It's not as bad if you're seeing a lot of if you grow up in a single household
00:06:40.800Or you see a breakup then in your head
00:06:44.080It might seem like right like what you're saying with your mom you can
00:06:47.360You can do this because your mom will grow up in a single home. So you might see it as
00:06:51.200I this is something it's not easy, but it's something I can do and then when only when you go through it
00:06:57.840But if we have a lot more family units in the house and working at things then the children get to see like, okay
00:07:05.440My mom and dad went through this but they managed to go through this route to to help and because i've been through
00:07:12.240In a relationship where i've gone therapy and i've gone places to to fix things you get on saying and even when you talk about therapy earlier
00:07:18.640I don't think therapy is there to fix things. It's just there to for you to it is help
00:07:23.120No, not not. I don't think therapy is there to fix
00:07:25.600I think it's there to help you understand triggers and understand certain things for you to maneuver
00:07:31.200It can never hit therapy can never fix nothing
00:07:34.720Honestly to be very honest with you after going to therapy for eight years, maybe 12. Yeah, I don't believe in therapy
00:07:41.200I had other ways to fix your problems and you can also just really get over yourself
00:07:44.960Honestly, I just decided to get over myself and that's basically how I think well
00:07:48.640I think i think that therapy like it's outsourcing families
00:07:52.880Because like usually you would go to your siblings or you go to because
00:07:56.720Your mother is going to have a completely different take like if you're let's say if you're in an argument with your boyfriend
00:08:01.600She's gonna have a completely different take on the situation because she knows you and she knows your positive and your negative traits
00:08:08.080So it's like if i tell my mom like oh this person reacted to me this way mom's gonna be like well
00:09:25.280I'm like, I don't want you to tell me what to eat
00:09:27.440Like I don't want you to tell me how to live how to work out
00:09:29.440But I would sit in my room like obese fat, you know crying
00:09:32.960I was depressed in my dark room all day and she'd be like open the curtains and rip the curtains open
00:09:39.840No, you know, i'm gonna take your phone away
00:09:42.240And I was like it was like really intense
00:09:44.560But those are the kind of parents that you need
00:09:46.320But I needed that because this world is cruel and i've been through some bad things and and having that her mentality that she raised me with
00:09:53.200Being honest and saying penelope you need to get up. No penelope. This is not true
00:09:56.560You know men there are men and women like these are important things