JustPearlyThings - April 17, 2023


Modern Woman FINALLY Holds Herself Accountable


Episode Stats


Length

11 minutes

Words per minute

188.03012

Word count

2,106

Sentence count

200

Harmful content

Misogyny

7

sentences flagged

Hate speech

2

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

In this episode, I speak to a single mother who shares her experience of being a single parent and how it has affected her and her children. We discuss the importance of a two-parent family and how important it is to have both parents involved in your child s life.

Transcript

Transcript generated with Whisper (turbo).
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
00:00:00.000 What would you have done differently in the relationships?
00:00:02.620 Not been a complete psychopath.
00:00:06.240 Yeah, I was, yeah, I was not the easiest of partners to be with.
00:00:12.320 And so, yeah, I would have left because the more I stayed with my son's dad, the more angry I got and the more resentful I got.
00:00:19.740 And so we were just arguing all the time.
00:00:21.480 Like he could breathe, just his breathing annoyed me at one point because I just resented him so much.
00:00:26.280 But it was my choice to stay there.
00:00:27.500 So if I had chosen not to stay there, then I wouldn't have, yeah.
00:00:33.220 Amiri, did you have something you want to say because you just...
00:00:36.820 Grunting over there.
00:00:41.180 It's very like weird for me to speak because obviously it's very real, isn't it?
00:00:49.260 Well, yeah, it's my life.
00:00:51.000 Exactly.
00:00:51.360 And, you know, like sometimes when people say like I wouldn't change a thing because of how things are right now.
00:00:58.200 So are you saying that you're not in the situation you want to be in now?
00:01:03.360 No, my children are not in the situation that is the best for them because both of my children are at a statistical disadvantage.
00:01:11.740 I know that now.
00:01:13.380 Yeah, but forget about statistical disadvantage because, like, okay, say for example, you're more a statistical advantage to go to jail if you're from a single parent family.
00:01:21.740 We know this, right?
00:01:22.560 Or there's other statistics.
00:01:24.000 But I'm saying that doesn't necessarily mean that your child has to go to jail.
00:01:26.700 No, I'm not saying it does.
00:01:27.680 But she's saying go back and do it differently.
00:01:31.260 And so, of course, if I know that, you know what, being a single parent isn't the best idea for my daughter who doesn't, has never had a father in her life at all.
00:01:39.680 Because he told me to either have an abortion or stay with him.
00:01:43.540 And so I chose my baby over him.
00:01:45.500 And so, in hindsight, of course, I would want my daughter to get both parents there loving her equally.
00:01:52.220 Like, of course, why wouldn't I want that for my daughter?
00:01:53.860 I want her to be whole and not feel like she somehow isn't because her father doesn't want her.
00:02:00.560 So, like, of course, I would choose that for her.
00:02:03.740 So, are you saying that you're incapable of finding someone that would look after your daughter?
00:02:08.200 She's 19.
00:02:09.140 She's an adult.
00:02:10.260 So, then what do you need to rewind the world for?
00:02:14.360 Because if she asked me the question.
00:02:15.500 No, I'm saying in terms of, okay.
00:02:17.840 I'm not rewinding anything.
00:02:18.840 If someone asked me, yeah, if someone asked me, if I could go back in time, would I not do something that would affect the situation that I'm in right now?
00:02:29.040 If I say that I would regret it, that means, obviously, what I'm going through now, I want to change.
00:02:37.220 No, what my children, not me.
00:02:39.280 But what about you, though, then?
00:02:42.020 So, he's asking if you would change it because you're not happy with the situation you're in now.
00:02:48.860 Not for me, personally, because I love both of my children.
00:02:52.040 Like, the situation that I'm in with my children, I would never change it without a shadow of a doubt.
00:02:56.660 But for my children, if I could go back and make better choices, 100%.
00:03:01.140 What about you, though?
00:03:02.980 She's trying to say she doesn't regret her kids because she loves her kids.
00:03:06.080 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:03:06.560 But what about you, though?
00:03:07.660 Well, of course, for me, it would be easier if I was in a two-parent household as well.
00:03:11.380 Of course, making better choices as I was younger, choosing to not be a parent at 16 and having to live on my own at 16.
00:03:18.540 Of course, that would have been a better decision to not do it.
00:03:20.720 But, like, who wants to be 16 while all your friends are going off, going out, having relationships?
00:03:27.000 I was at home on my own with a little girl having to work out what to do with it because I was 16.
00:03:32.360 I didn't know what I was doing with myself.
00:03:34.000 So, of course, like, there's no 16-year-old that I would say, yeah, this will be a great idea to make this life-changing decision.
00:03:43.300 That's also going to hurt the child and, like...
00:03:48.420 Well, I could say on the other hand then now, you're 35, you're still pretty young, and your children are old enough to do their own thing.
00:03:56.600 So now you could pretty much put your whole rest of your life to yourself.
00:04:01.100 Whereas if someone had kids...
00:04:02.840 But we'd been better together.
00:04:03.800 But sometimes you never know.
00:04:05.080 I would have chosen a better partner, even if I had had a child at 16, but I had chosen a partner that wanted a child with me and wanted to have a baby, and we brought that child up together, that would have been a better choice.
00:04:17.960 It was still my choice.
00:04:19.360 He said, I don't want this kid.
00:04:20.560 I'm not having...
00:04:21.140 I don't want it.
00:04:22.180 I'm never going to have...
00:04:23.020 And he stuck to his word, and he has never had anything to do with my daughter.
00:04:26.040 So that was my choice.
00:04:27.520 So I'm taking accountability for my choices because we create...
00:04:31.080 I've created a trauma in my daughter the moment I chose for her to have an absent father.
00:04:36.480 And so, I mean, for anybody to say, I don't want to change that, for me, would be...
00:04:41.040 I'm like, why?
00:04:42.040 Why wouldn't you want to change that?
00:04:43.080 You were 16, though.
00:04:44.000 I mean, come on.
00:04:44.500 I mean, that's like a child, isn't it?
00:04:46.400 I was a child.
00:04:47.560 Even looking back, I'm like...
00:04:49.300 My daughter's 19 now, and I can't even imagine her holding...
00:04:53.480 I was in Iraq, actually, by that point.
00:04:55.780 So I was in Iraq, and I had a three...
00:04:58.400 Like a three-year-old child.
00:05:00.520 What's Iraq?
00:05:02.220 She's in the military.
00:05:03.540 I was in the military for six years.
00:05:04.680 Iraq.
00:05:05.160 I thought you said Iraq.
00:05:06.640 No, Iraq. 0.96
00:05:07.480 It's not Iraq. 0.92
00:05:08.400 But sometimes you never know of life.
00:05:10.740 Like, with these two kids, you never know what's going to happen.
00:05:14.100 Like, what if, like, in five years, one, you know, makes this business an idea,
00:05:19.620 and they're like this genius, and they have, like, this multi-million...
00:05:23.280 They are amazing children.
00:05:24.600 Yeah, but just because it had a good outcome...
00:05:26.360 That's an anomaly, though.
00:05:27.580 Yeah, like, just because it had a good outcome, it didn't mean it didn't affect them growing up.
00:05:32.040 They might have money I've had to spend on therapy for my daughter.
00:05:35.640 The amount of presence that I have to have, especially because then I went in the military as well,
00:05:39.820 so I double whammyed it, like, make I have, like, because leaving a child at one year old to go off to the military
00:05:47.440 obviously isn't great either.
00:05:48.640 And so it doesn't matter how they turn out, the journey to get to the end of it is still a lot harder for my daughter
00:05:57.500 than it would be if she had...
00:05:58.880 I'm sure if you're used to having your father there, like, when you've got a problem or a boy's pissed you off,
00:06:03.540 you can call your dad.
00:06:04.420 My daughter doesn't have that. 1.00
00:06:05.280 She has to have my fucking advice.
00:06:08.220 I'm like, my brothers.
00:06:12.040 It's some...
00:06:12.840 I mean, I knew my dad and I was with my dad and I didn't have that kind of relationship with him.
00:06:18.640 But you're a boy, it's different for you as well.
00:06:20.520 If you say so.
00:06:21.120 I mean, I wanted a relationship that was a bit deeper than it was.
00:06:25.060 Both my brothers say that about my dad.
00:06:27.160 They wish they had a deeper relationship.
00:06:29.060 I wish...
00:06:30.480 Anyway, he's passed away, man.
00:06:32.660 I forget.
00:06:34.380 It's too late.
00:06:35.080 But that's my point.
00:06:36.000 So absence, even in that, there was elements for you that you needed more of.
00:06:40.360 My daughter doesn't have any of.
00:06:42.480 So that, I wish.
00:06:44.280 She can never...
00:06:44.960 It's not going to ever happen.
00:06:46.760 So it's still an element of pain that she has to deal with.
00:06:51.940 And not because of her, but because of me.
00:06:55.060 All right, let me give you some nuance.
00:06:56.040 So now that I know what a dad is like because I grew up with a dad in the household,
00:07:01.940 now I am the image of my dad.
00:07:03.600 Because that's what I saw.
00:07:06.040 As opposed to I didn't have an image, so I wouldn't know what to base myself on.
00:07:11.100 Because as a dad, you'd be very instrumental or very...
00:07:15.340 You imprint...
00:07:16.660 I wouldn't say an exact copy, but a lot of kids become...
00:07:19.400 A lot of men become like their dads.
00:07:21.240 A blueprint, yeah.
00:07:21.840 But at the same time, it's then, isn't that even more a reason to...
00:07:25.780 Like, if my son didn't have his father and I'm...
00:07:29.280 If anyone ever got to speak to his...
00:07:30.840 I'm like on it.
00:07:31.740 I'm like militant about how much time.
00:07:34.580 And even if he's trying to chat back, I don't argue with my son.
00:07:38.780 My son's dad has to deal with the conflict in that situation.
00:07:42.320 But imagine if he didn't have that there.
00:07:46.080 He is eventually going to seek that out outside of my house.
00:07:49.440 And it might not be a good blueprint that he then starts to emulate.
00:07:52.680 What do you think about...
00:07:58.300 Let me repeat the question.
00:08:01.400 About women being single and childless.
00:08:03.680 By 20, 30, 50% of women are projected to be single and childless.
00:08:07.840 Do you think that's the...
00:08:09.140 Does that speak to the quality of the women or the quality of the men?
00:08:15.040 Is that to me?
00:08:16.320 No.
00:08:16.700 No.
00:08:17.180 We'll get to you.
00:08:18.020 I think...
00:08:23.020 I remember there was this class in secondary school.
00:08:26.600 It was called Life Skills.
00:08:28.460 Okay.
00:08:30.540 And we would touch this topic.
00:08:33.260 And they were just...
00:08:34.720 They taught us about...
00:08:36.660 What do they call it?
00:08:38.900 Oh, my God.
00:08:39.480 As soon as I want to talk about having a dating coach,
00:08:42.140 he just walks out the room.
00:08:44.120 How I want it.
00:08:45.180 Like having like a coach for your marriage or your relationships.
00:08:51.780 Or even a dating coach.
00:08:53.660 Like just enlightening you and making you more aware.
00:08:57.140 But to say like either one of like female or male.
00:09:04.680 Like 50% of them being childless and single.
00:09:07.460 I think it's about education.
00:09:09.360 Just educating yourself about what a healthy relationship is.
00:09:12.500 How would you educate yourself?
00:09:13.840 So if you're in Naomi's situation where she has never seen a functioning relationship,
00:09:18.580 how would she do that? 0.94
00:09:20.420 You go to...
00:09:21.840 What do they call it?
00:09:22.640 It's like a mentor.
00:09:24.200 Like a relationship mentor or like a life coach.
00:09:28.700 At 16?
00:09:29.720 Yeah, you can get a life coach.
00:09:31.120 Do life coaches typically...
00:09:33.400 Are they typically married, happy with a family and kids?
00:09:39.540 Sometimes.
00:09:40.600 No.
00:09:41.040 Typically.
00:09:41.440 They're typically like 50-year-old women who've been divorced for 10 years. 0.99
00:09:45.880 It'll be me.
00:09:47.080 I'm not taking dating advice from them.
00:09:50.360 Do you know what?
00:09:50.760 There's an influencer.
00:09:52.320 Her name is... 1.00
00:09:53.200 Oh, can I say her name?
00:09:55.060 I might as well.
00:09:56.000 Her name is Bianca Taylor.
00:09:57.400 She's a life coach and personal trainer. 1.00
00:09:59.320 And her boyfriend, now fiancé, cheated on her twice and she stuck it through.
00:10:06.000 I mean...
00:10:06.400 And they saw...
00:10:07.640 I'm not a life coach.
00:10:09.560 Like a marriage...
00:10:10.340 Like a relationship coach.
00:10:11.500 And they worked through it.
00:10:13.000 But I feel like...
00:10:14.140 Okay.
00:10:15.140 They're outsourcing families.
00:10:17.180 Like you're supposed to be able to go to your parents and your grandparents and your great-grandparents
00:10:21.520 to get wisdom about relationships.
00:10:23.600 And now it's like all the things that you're supposed to do with your family, they outsource.
00:10:27.760 Yeah.
00:10:28.000 So now you're speaking to a stranger that doesn't have your best interest at heart.
00:10:31.580 And, you know, in Naomi's situation, what else is she supposed to do?
00:10:34.240 It might be a good option.
00:10:35.240 You know, I mean...
00:10:36.040 At 16...
00:10:36.760 That's why my daughter had therapy for... 1.00
00:10:38.660 It was damn expensive, but £60 a week.
00:10:41.680 So that she had a good...
00:10:42.940 Not just any...
00:10:43.900 A good therapist that was going to be able to give her that grandmotherly advice from a married woman. 1.00
00:10:51.240 Oh, she was married?
00:10:51.980 Yeah.
00:10:52.260 That's a good call.
00:10:52.880 Yeah.
00:10:53.700 I don't care.
00:10:54.580 Be careful with the therapist.
00:10:55.500 She was my therapist.
00:10:55.820 As many of you know, I was just banned on TikTok.
00:10:59.400 And we are demonetized on a daily basis on this platform.
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