Modern Woman Gets SILENCED By This Question
Episode Stats
Words per Minute
170.69525
Summary
In this episode, we talk about how to deal with a situation where a man says that he needs to work on himself. How do you deal with that situation? What does that mean to you as a woman and how do you handle it?
Transcript
00:00:00.000
If you're not happy with yourself, number one, no relationship is going to work.
00:00:05.840
I think that relationships used to work all the time when people weren't happy with themselves.
00:00:09.720
Like, you know, when there was a relationship or were they hiding behind skeletons?
00:00:13.620
No, I don't think they were hiding behind skeletons.
00:00:17.400
And I think that people used to stick it out when life got hard.
00:00:20.680
And now, like, women care about their happiness more than their own family.
00:00:24.760
Because, yeah, because in the old days, your husband was in war.
00:00:35.360
There used to be, you know, there used to be depressions, whatever.
00:00:38.960
We're in the greatest, most modern time in human history.
00:00:46.900
In a relationship, are you ready to mother even your husband?
00:01:02.620
But you have to have a base, at least to start from.
00:01:06.620
You're not there to even, like, invest in, like, mothering your husband.
00:01:23.180
Oh, when I'm saying growing together, it's not in charge.
00:01:26.420
Because I don't want to be a mother to anyone's child.
00:01:33.640
But it sounds like when you say that, it sounds like you're dictating the direction of the relationship.
00:01:38.020
I don't know if that's what you mean, but that's how it sounds.
00:01:42.040
Like, for example, with my marriage, it came to a point where he felt it was best.
00:01:54.920
He still wanted to live the life that he wanted to.
00:02:30.140
If your husband has turned around and said that he wants to.
00:02:53.380
And then he sits you down one day and says what?
00:03:03.580
And he's now realized that he needs to work on them.
00:03:22.020
But he didn't want it to affect me or our daughter.
00:03:25.680
So he felt the best thing for him to do was to separate.
00:03:30.780
Which to me, I didn't think that was the best thing.
00:03:33.700
Because as a family, we're meant to grow things together.
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Because obviously, as I said, I don't know what's going through certain man's head.
00:03:58.300
But I know, as a guy, as a man, I feel like everybody can back it.
00:04:03.540
That when we go through whatever we're going through, not even necessarily relationships,
00:04:09.500
Even if we're in our own crib with our Marge and our dad and our sister,
00:04:13.240
no matter what we're going through, we do not like it to affect what is going on in the household.
00:04:20.020
So if that is what was going through my brother's head at the time, then fair enough.
00:04:26.120
He doesn't want to bring his personal problems and omit it and let the energy affect the family.
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Do you feel like you were his piece in the relationship?
00:04:41.660
Only he could answer that because that's what I wanted to know.
00:04:45.820
Because he said it had nothing to do with me or anything, but he felt that he was too damaged,
00:04:55.180
It's just, it's so weird because the way he's talking is very, like, feminine.
00:05:00.100
That sounds like a very, like, feminine way to speak.
00:05:05.760
Which is something that I'm not used to it because I'm not used to.
00:05:19.600
I think that, don't you think that because you have allowed since the first time that you are,
00:05:26.480
like, equality or, like, being both equal, that he took the feminine side
00:05:31.400
and leaves you with the masculine side of taking control?
00:05:36.620
But what I did was when I did get married, I stepped back and let him lead
00:05:52.440
Even though growing up, I didn't believe that because of certain things that I went through growing up.
00:05:58.800
But when I got married and obviously as a mother, I want to do right and make sure I'm a good role model to my daughter.
00:06:04.880
So when it came to the whole African culture of letting a man lead, you show respect or whatever, that was all me.
00:06:12.560
That's why I really wanted to understand what was wrong when he was ready to separate.
00:06:17.220
And he had to let me know, like, babe, it's not you.
00:06:19.340
So I've gone through some stuff growing up and this is where I'm at right now.
00:06:25.120
I can't be mad at him because every other woman would be like, oh, you can't go, this and that, whatever.
00:06:36.000
Because you've said to me that you need help and you want to focus on yourself.
00:06:50.000
So did you used to let him lead or was he a leader?
00:07:04.540
Because I didn't know, because I'm not used to, I'm so used to having my own.
00:07:11.240
So when I met a man that didn't know how to lead, I still allowed and trusted him to lead.
00:07:18.140
And when I saw that he wasn't leading, I just prayed to God to guide me.
00:07:23.680
The reason why I ask that is because when you say you let a man lead, from your perspective,
00:07:29.800
it might come across like that, the way you're looking at it.
00:07:34.540
But in reality, if someone else was looking at it from a third person point of view,
00:07:39.600
it would usually look like, and I don't want to, I'm not trying to.
00:07:45.220
But it would usually look like you're, it's almost like, it's always almost come of condescending in a way.
00:07:52.700
Because you might think you're letting him lead.
00:07:55.580
But even some of the ways you will react to the things he would do would always come of like,
00:08:04.640
So if that's the way your relationship is going, it's most of the time would lead to the same eventual conversation.
00:08:12.860
And because I had a lot of brothers growing up, so all of these little things,
00:08:17.060
because they spoke about how females behave and stuff.
00:08:19.820
So I was very aware of everything and how, to the point where I found myself having to control my behaviour,
00:08:28.220
just because I was conscious of not letting him feel less of a man,
00:08:36.840
So I just ended up praying to God instead to teach me and guide me.
00:08:41.720
And then that's when he was able to comfortably come to me and say,
00:08:48.180
And I just took it as a sign of God has answered my prayer,
00:08:54.000
And it's just which way to go, because then it's just like,
00:08:58.960
But it's just how you look at it, because I don't see it as I'm a single mum,
00:09:34.320
But we both have an understanding of where we are at in life.
00:09:39.280
And he's on his journey, and I'm on his journey.
00:09:47.340
Obviously, it's still hiccups when it comes to our daughter.