JustPearlyThings - Modern Woman Gets SILENCED By This Question

00:00:00.000 If you're not happy with yourself, number one, no relationship is going to work.

00:00:05.560 Really?

00:00:05.840 I think that relationships used to work all the time when people weren't happy with themselves.

00:00:09.720 Like, you know, when there was a relationship or were they hiding behind skeletons?

00:00:13.620 No, I don't think they were hiding behind skeletons.

00:00:15.700 I think that life gets hard.

00:00:17.400 And I think that people used to stick it out when life got hard.

00:00:20.680 And now, like, women care about their happiness more than their own family. 0.96

00:00:24.760 Because, yeah, because in the old days, your husband was in war.

00:00:27.980 What problems do we have in 2023?

00:00:29.540 Like, what are we arguing about?

00:00:31.400 Nothing.

00:00:31.980 Yeah, it's like people used to go to war.

00:00:34.180 There used to be famines.

00:00:35.360 There used to be, you know, there used to be depressions, whatever.

00:00:38.960 We're in the greatest, most modern time in human history.

00:00:42.640 Like, what are we fighting about?

00:00:46.900 In a relationship, are you ready to mother even your husband?

00:00:52.420 In a way?

00:00:54.340 What do you mean by mothering?

00:00:56.520 Because that's a good question.

00:00:58.560 When you said, yeah, we're growing together.

00:01:01.740 Yeah, it's good.

00:01:02.620 But you have to have a base, at least to start from.

00:01:06.620 You're not there to even, like, invest in, like, mothering your husband.

00:01:12.140 You have to have a man that takes care of you. 0.99

00:01:15.120 So you have a family.

00:01:16.580 So you can go together in a certain route.

00:01:20.340 Not you being in charge of this man.

00:01:23.180 Oh, when I'm saying growing together, it's not in charge.

00:01:26.420 Because I don't want to be a mother to anyone's child.

00:01:31.300 That's what I mean.

00:01:32.040 To anyone's child.

00:01:33.640 But it sounds like when you say that, it sounds like you're dictating the direction of the relationship.

00:01:38.020 I don't know if that's what you mean, but that's how it sounds.

00:01:40.320 Okay.

00:01:40.720 Maybe I'm not explaining it properly.

00:01:42.040 Like, for example, with my marriage, it came to a point where he felt it was best.

00:01:51.120 Because he wasn't responsible enough to.

00:01:54.920 He still wanted to live the life that he wanted to.

00:01:57.880 Because when he.

00:01:58.540 What do you mean the life he wanted to?

00:02:00.560 He wants to be free.

00:02:02.040 Free, like he's not ready.

00:02:04.540 What is free?

00:02:06.080 Is that like other women going out? 1.00

00:02:09.120 Like what does free mean?

00:02:10.620 Well, do you know what?

00:02:11.660 I can't answer for him because I'm not him.

00:02:14.080 But this is based on what he's said to me.

00:02:16.200 He's still on his journey.

00:02:18.560 So as a wife, how do I.

00:02:25.200 How do I explain that?

00:02:27.300 How do I.

00:02:28.680 How do you receive that as a wife? 1.00

00:02:30.140 If your husband has turned around and said that he wants to.

00:02:36.240 Continue.

00:02:36.960 Like find himself.

00:02:38.200 That's the word.

00:02:39.080 Find himself.

00:02:40.680 What do you do?

00:02:41.780 But he's already made the commitment.

00:02:43.600 So I'm confused.

00:02:44.680 So you guys are married.

00:02:45.840 Yeah.

00:02:46.340 You're married for how long?

00:02:48.400 Let's say three years.

00:02:49.680 Three, four years.

00:02:50.380 Three, four years.

00:02:51.240 We've got a child.

00:02:51.960 Okay.

00:02:52.200 So you have a child.

00:02:53.380 And then he sits you down one day and says what?

00:02:56.200 That he needs to work on himself.

00:03:00.020 So he's gone through things growing up.

00:03:02.480 Okay.

00:03:03.580 And he's now realized that he needs to work on them.

00:03:06.820 Because if he doesn't, it will.

00:03:09.080 It's going to implicate.

00:03:09.660 Damage the relationship.

00:03:10.640 It will be more damaging us being together.

00:03:12.920 Because he hasn't worked on himself.

00:03:14.700 So what does he want to do?

00:03:16.700 He wants to go to therapy.

00:03:17.880 He wants to.

00:03:19.120 So that's the part.

00:03:20.100 He didn't know what he wanted to do.

00:03:22.020 But he didn't want it to affect me or our daughter.

00:03:25.680 So he felt the best thing for him to do was to separate.

00:03:30.780 Which to me, I didn't think that was the best thing.

00:03:33.700 Because as a family, we're meant to grow things together.

00:03:37.260 And see how things.

00:03:38.240 What does that mean to you guys?

00:03:39.700 If a guy says that to a girl.

00:03:41.800 Like a guy's point of view.

00:03:42.940 What does that mean?

00:03:44.700 I like to give them an effort of the doubt.

00:03:53.740 Because obviously, as I said, I don't know what's going through certain man's head.

00:03:58.300 But I know, as a guy, as a man, I feel like everybody can back it.

00:04:02.940 Do you understand?

00:04:03.540 That when we go through whatever we're going through, not even necessarily relationships,

00:04:07.700 but we like to keep it to ourselves.

00:04:09.500 Even if we're in our own crib with our Marge and our dad and our sister,

00:04:13.240 no matter what we're going through, we do not like it to affect what is going on in the household.

00:04:20.020 So if that is what was going through my brother's head at the time, then fair enough.

00:04:26.120 He doesn't want to bring his personal problems and omit it and let the energy affect the family.

00:04:30.280 So what happens to two becomes one?

00:04:33.440 Do you feel like you were his piece in the relationship?

00:04:38.280 That was a deep question.

00:04:39.820 That is deep.

00:04:41.660 Only he could answer that because that's what I wanted to know.

00:04:45.820 Because he said it had nothing to do with me or anything, but he felt that he was too damaged,

00:04:52.540 that he didn't want it to affect me.

00:04:55.180 It's just, it's so weird because the way he's talking is very, like, feminine. 0.97

00:04:59.680 Do you know what I'm saying?

00:05:00.100 That sounds like a very, like, feminine way to speak. 1.00

00:05:02.480 Yes, it was like.

00:05:03.400 Like, I'm too, like, you know, that's like.

00:05:05.240 It's not used to me.

00:05:05.760 Which is something that I'm not used to it because I'm not used to.

00:05:10.420 Yeah, that's the first time.

00:05:12.960 So, yeah, it is very feminine.

00:05:15.840 Can I say something?

00:05:18.180 Yeah, go ahead.

00:05:19.600 I think that, don't you think that because you have allowed since the first time that you are,

00:05:26.480 like, equality or, like, being both equal, that he took the feminine side

00:05:31.400 and leaves you with the masculine side of taking control?

00:05:35.760 That's it.

00:05:36.620 But what I did was when I did get married, I stepped back and let him lead

00:05:44.160 because especially my mum, she's Nigerian. 1.00

00:05:47.260 So from that culture, you let the man lead.

00:05:52.440 Even though growing up, I didn't believe that because of certain things that I went through growing up.

00:05:58.800 But when I got married and obviously as a mother, I want to do right and make sure I'm a good role model to my daughter.

00:06:04.880 So when it came to the whole African culture of letting a man lead, you show respect or whatever, that was all me.

00:06:12.560 That's why I really wanted to understand what was wrong when he was ready to separate.

00:06:17.220 And he had to let me know, like, babe, it's not you.

00:06:19.340 So I've gone through some stuff growing up and this is where I'm at right now.

00:06:24.120 It's hard.

00:06:25.120 I can't be mad at him because every other woman would be like, oh, you can't go, this and that, whatever. 0.99

00:06:30.300 But I just said, you know what?

00:06:32.040 All right, cool.

00:06:32.920 He said, why are you angry?

00:06:34.760 Why didn't you cuss? 1.00

00:06:36.000 Because you've said to me that you need help and you want to focus on yourself.

00:06:39.120 I can't be mad at you.

00:06:40.100 I have a question.

00:06:41.980 I have a question.

00:06:43.760 He's got a question.

00:06:44.860 King.

00:06:47.840 Okay, my question goes like this.

00:06:50.000 So did you used to let him lead or was he a leader?

00:06:57.700 He wasn't a leader.

00:06:59.920 I identified that, but I still let him lead.

00:07:04.540 Because I didn't know, because I'm not used to, I'm so used to having my own.

00:07:11.240 So when I met a man that didn't know how to lead, I still allowed and trusted him to lead.

00:07:18.140 And when I saw that he wasn't leading, I just prayed to God to guide me.

00:07:22.320 So was you more dominant in the relationship?

00:07:23.680 The reason why I ask that is because when you say you let a man lead, from your perspective, 0.88

00:07:29.800 it might come across like that, the way you're looking at it.

00:07:34.540 But in reality, if someone else was looking at it from a third person point of view,

00:07:39.600 it would usually look like, and I don't want to, I'm not trying to.

00:07:44.280 Oh no, be free.

00:07:45.220 But it would usually look like you're, it's almost like, it's always almost come of condescending in a way.

00:07:52.700 Because you might think you're letting him lead.

00:07:55.580 But even some of the ways you will react to the things he would do would always come of like,

00:08:00.300 well, and men pick up on stuff like that. 0.91

00:08:04.640 So if that's the way your relationship is going, it's most of the time would lead to the same eventual conversation.

00:08:10.840 What you said is very important.

00:08:12.860 And because I had a lot of brothers growing up, so all of these little things,

00:08:17.060 because they spoke about how females behave and stuff. 1.00

00:08:19.820 So I was very aware of everything and how, to the point where I found myself having to control my behaviour,

00:08:28.220 just because I was conscious of not letting him feel less of a man,

00:08:32.880 because I knew that there was something wrong.

00:08:34.960 However, I didn't know what was wrong.

00:08:36.840 So I just ended up praying to God instead to teach me and guide me.

00:08:41.720 And then that's when he was able to comfortably come to me and say,

00:08:45.720 listen, this is what's going on.

00:08:48.180 And I just took it as a sign of God has answered my prayer,

00:08:51.580 because now I understand what I'm in.

00:08:54.000 And it's just which way to go, because then it's just like,

00:08:56.960 I don't really want to be a single mother.

00:08:58.960 But it's just how you look at it, because I don't see it as I'm a single mum,

00:09:02.360 because he still exists.

00:09:03.360 He's not dead.

00:09:05.020 We're just not together.

00:09:06.840 But my daughter still has a dad.

00:09:07.480 How long have you been separated?

00:09:08.660 Um, it's coming up to four years.

00:09:14.260 Oh, why you've been separated that long?

00:09:15.800 Yeah, it's coming up to four years.

00:09:17.440 And yeah, I just let him go.

00:09:20.820 And it's so funny, because when we speak,

00:09:23.160 he would never tell that we are separated,

00:09:28.300 because he still has that respect for me.

00:09:30.740 Obviously, when he gets out of line,

00:09:32.600 we still have our little ups and downs.

00:09:34.320 But we both have an understanding of where we are at in life.

00:09:39.280 And he's on his journey, and I'm on his journey.

00:09:42.440 I'm not worrying about what he's doing,

00:09:44.440 who he's with, or whatever.

00:09:46.020 And vice versa.

00:09:47.340 Obviously, it's still hiccups when it comes to our daughter.

00:09:50.220 But I don't curse him or anything.

00:09:52.260 I just let him grow.

00:09:54.300 And when he's ready to do what he needs to do.

00:09:57.760 Yeah.

00:09:58.160 Awesome.

00:09:58.860 Thank you.

JustPearlyThings - July 06, 2023

Modern Woman Gets SILENCED By This Question

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