JustPearlyThings - Modern Woman Says She Was A Victim Of DOMESTIC ABUSE

00:00:00.000 most girls go back after they get cheated on some not all what percent how many friends do you know 0.96

00:00:05.760 that have gotten cheated on uh um all of them no a couple but it was the situation that they had

00:00:18.480 been in so let's say if it involved kids obviously they want to put the kids first you know what i

00:00:22.880 mean um no i know there's reasons i'm just curious yeah but i don't think i think after they've been

00:00:28.320 cheated on once they start where i'm such a the type of person i am and the way i handle things

00:00:36.340 obviously the people around me they've done dumb stupid things like i've done stupid things in the 0.59

00:00:42.120 past and believe that i'm not joking but i just feel like how many how many friends of yours have

00:00:48.320 gotten cheated on a couple so so two three yeah three three and how many stayed with him after he

00:00:54.680 cheated um two two but they've not they're not with them anymore right but i just meant like when

00:01:01.500 they cheated they stayed yeah they stayed with them afterwards but then they left that obviously

00:01:05.000 yeah yeah later yeah proves my point

00:01:09.280 um okay uh i think don't even remember the original question because you haven't been down here yet no i

00:01:20.120 know because i was thinking would you remember the question yeah it was something to do with type of

00:01:23.340 men i think it was 0.81

00:01:25.700 have you separated from men or how many men have you said yeah how many how many breakups have you

00:01:32.780 initiated and why so my first one i left but it nearly cost me my life um my second one i

00:01:44.500 it was i was seeing someone and he was seeing other women so that ended um and my third one i was just

00:01:57.220 a huge secret so that ended in november so like his family and friends didn't know about you

00:02:06.160 no okay so you felt like you wanted something more serious and it was more casual for him

00:02:10.780 yeah i think so um it was four years that i was with him so if you don't mind me asking how did you

00:02:18.440 almost lose your life in the first one uh domestic abuse physical abuse um all abuse um

00:02:30.400 yeah i was basically isolated um

00:02:34.820 big question on live tv

00:02:39.380 yeah i have our counseling for it um i've got two beautiful girls um amazing girls he blessed me with

00:02:49.220 those um certainly taught me a lesson a huge one um one that nearly cost me my life um

00:02:55.700 but yeah i was with him for a long time um

00:02:59.480 i don't know why i stayed i think mentally and emotionally i think abusers have a way of

00:03:07.260 the physical disappears the mental and emotional abuse stays um

00:03:14.480 i was so isolated from everybody and i think in terms of i only had him and his family so

00:03:23.140 it was quite difficult and i think the good was good the bad was horrific so um

00:03:31.620 were you able to press charges

00:03:33.220 i didn't for a very long time but i don't think

00:03:38.300 i dealt with it and healed from it until years later um in fact it was only up until a few years

00:03:45.900 ago so i finally left in 2010 um so 13 years ago and i only really dealt with it and got support for

00:03:54.640 it about five five years ago and dealt with it so i think it was i up and moved the police removed me

00:04:02.420 from my home um it was going to go to court we did go to court um they said i wouldn't see him at court

00:04:08.980 i did see him at court and then that's when i withdrew all my statements so he still got prosecuted i

00:04:13.900 think now they can prosecute um and convict now um but at the time that wasn't the case i think he

00:04:20.240 just he got a fine and probation and community service and stuff like that so um and i think for

00:04:25.580 me they told me he was looking at five years and we had two girls so you wanted him to not that i

00:04:32.260 wanted him back but i just thought for the girls right but now looking back

00:04:36.320 that was the wrong decision i think he's gone on to have multiple abusive relationships since so

00:04:43.500 but um my girls have had nothing to do with him so that's kind of yeah yeah my youngest one did

00:04:49.720 seek him out but he's not changed so um she no longer wants a relationship with him my oldest

00:04:57.480 one remembers too much definitely doesn't want anything to do with him at this stage but i would

00:05:01.920 never not promote that i think that's something that they would need to make a decision for at the

00:05:06.460 time i stopped them from having that relationship for their own safety and mine um i've never stopped

00:05:13.540 it in terms of if he wanted to do it properly and down the legal route um supervised contact absolutely

00:05:20.980 but he's never wanted to take that so um it was all about control and about me so the times that he

00:05:26.840 did have contact with the girls in the early years when i left he would be screaming to and at the

00:05:32.520 girls for them to put me on the phone so it was never really about the girls anyway so so yeah so

00:05:37.580 that was my first one thank you for sharing that um it's okay i'm i'm curious like how many years

00:05:46.500 were you with him before you left was it did you say seven so from the age of 18 to 28 oh wow wow

00:05:56.680 that's a long time yeah so just because i'm always just curious like when did you realize he was abusive

00:06:02.400 so it was gradual so after probably about the first eight months seven months eight months um

00:06:11.380 but it was little things can't go out didn't want me to go to work but made it made me feel like it

00:06:20.520 was i was doing something wrong all the time having male friends why have you got so many male friends

00:06:24.460 just yeah it's the isolation why are you wearing that that doesn't look nice on you you don't need

00:06:32.520 to wear heels today why have you got makeup on you're going to just little things you know i'll come

00:06:37.460 down in something that i want to wear i don't really look nice babe why don't go change it

00:06:41.620 little things but then obviously

00:06:45.120 past relationships his own insecurities obviously knowing people that i had had a relationship with

00:06:54.100 previously we could be watching telly it could be anything that triggered him it didn't matter

00:06:58.200 what it was then um but physically yeah about after about seven eight months

00:07:03.860 wow so what what made you stay that long good question good question i don't know okay i don't know

00:07:14.480 the good times were good i think in terms of i don't have any real answer maybe i thought i loved him

00:07:21.660 i thought he loved me um always sorry he would always be sorry for the things that happened and

00:07:28.160 make things up buy things take me out say nice things to me pillow talk i guess if you like um

00:07:37.020 yeah i thought i felt like in situations like that if you don't mind me just saying what i'm about to

00:07:43.660 say but it's kind of like when you've experienced such lows any high will seem like the happiest thing

00:07:49.540 on earth for you and it will make you want to stay so doesn't matter like how however long how long

00:07:55.840 they've been together how long bad stuff has been happening but if the high is high then you're you

00:08:02.260 are going to stay believe it or not it's going to take a lot of detachment it's going to take a lot of

00:08:06.320 like self-discipline for you to be like for you to kind of go this high isn't the high we want

00:08:11.360 this high is only high because the lows have been so low i disagree i disagree someone that's been a

00:08:17.920 similar situation sometimes you don't know what day the week is let alone high is a high and it's

00:08:22.580 all about picking away at you so by the end of it you've got no identity you're almost probably just

00:08:26.720 his partner and the kid's mom and these things creep up on you i mean i put up with it for i think

00:08:31.860 less than a year but and in my day you call the police it was like oh it's a domestic they've never

00:08:36.000 done anything in those days so to put up with for 10 years wow i had police at my house the police

00:08:41.080 would come regular and just say oh it's a domestic and they just leave and you think hang on a minute

00:08:44.280 you're supposed to take him with you and they never did the only most you're going to get out

00:08:49.700 of it social services so back then it wasn't even that no but you didn't even get that there was

00:08:53.740 nothing then and i mean i didn't have my son then when i did have my son and i thought that's it i'm

00:08:58.460 out of it yeah but it's like especially when things happen around his family not yours and that's the

00:09:04.620 weird thing is you fit yourself how can you have a family and they know what's going on but they won't

00:09:09.340 do anything then you realize that the whole family's scared of them yeah that's one thing that's going to

00:09:13.420 ask him was his family kind of complicit in the abuse they knew what was going on and they just

00:09:18.460 turned a blind eye or was it secret to them no they they were aware they didn't condone it

00:09:24.960 um there was one incident where his his mom did say that she's the that brought him into the world

00:09:32.180 she'll be there to take him take him out obviously but that was because it was right in front of her

00:09:36.200 um majority of the time i would spend time at his mom's um in fairness and she was amazing 0.99

00:09:42.540 and she was she's been an amazing amazing grandmother um to the girls so they they know

00:09:49.000 their identity they know where they come from and they know his entire family the only person that

00:09:52.460 they've not had contact with is him um so that's their choice as an adult whether they want to go

00:09:59.080 back there or not um my eldest remember stuff she shared stuff with her younger sister i've had to

00:10:05.460 try and protect her younger sister from that but they are sisters they will talk yeah i won't lie to

00:10:10.760 them but i don't need to divulge anymore that it's not been said if that makes sense so that's so how did

00:10:18.780 you break it off because when i went to white breaking off how did you actually break it off

00:10:22.680 i went into a woman's refuge okay you done the midnight flip i did had a bag bag ready

00:10:28.200 the first time i was removed by the police um they came and removed me and they took me to my mom's

00:10:37.160 but then after a few months i went back but there was a normal station order in place it wasn't allowed

00:10:43.840 in certain in the area it wasn't out back at the property but then as time lapsed two years later

00:10:50.560 i put myself back into a woman's refuge um and just left and then i've never looked back and

00:10:57.780 i had a really good judge that done an injunction out with a clause that in order to in order to

00:11:03.280 cancel the injunction we both have to be at court oh and it's 37 years late and i don't think he

00:11:09.120 realized it still stands i mean there's no trouble now but it still stands no i didn't i didn't he

00:11:13.920 wasn't allowed in the area but it was only for a period of time um i can't i think it was about

00:11:18.380 six months um maybe even a year but he breached out anyway but um when i went back the second time

00:11:26.220 i just 21st january 2010 never looked back cut my hair changed everything about me just just fresh

00:11:35.240 start amazing so yeah then the second one that was a three-year relationship but that was

00:11:41.540 wasn't really going anywhere i wasn't it was just something for me at the time i think i had the

00:11:48.420 girls it wasn't something that i was really looking to commit to anyway but i found out he was seeing

00:11:53.120 multiple women so it just kind of ended but my last one i do love him still um but it's not worked

00:12:00.520 out i'm not prepared to be a secret for any longer um c'est la vie it is what it is we move on did you

00:12:08.400 just say right it's finished no it's been a lot of back and forth um we've just not spoke um he knows

00:12:17.280 how i feel about certain things so we've just not communicated would you say you like bad boys

00:12:23.740 it seems like all of the guys you pick seem to be bad boys what's a bad boy like non-committal

00:12:30.900 multiple girls i mean usually i wouldn't say the majority of bad boys are abusive but in her case

00:12:36.680 that would probably qualify

00:12:38.180 i think sometimes we can pick partners that are possibly a reflection of how we feel about

00:12:47.800 ourselves sometimes or what we're missing um i don't know i'm work i'm on a i'm on a journey

00:12:56.140 at the moment i'm healing and i'm learning a lot about myself and about

00:13:00.260 i'm doing a lot of inner child work i'm looking at myself going back through my history

00:13:06.220 why do i pick the men that i have i do come from a broken home is it generational is it one of those

00:13:13.500 things that just my upbringings impacted that the influences around i i don't know i'm doing a lot of

00:13:19.740 work on that at the moment because i do think it does impact on our decision making and our judgments

00:13:25.920 um how we brought up our childhood i think it plays a huge part um in how we develop just to put a smile

00:13:35.960 in your face but it's a serious question still smiling it seems a question would you would you

00:13:41.920 get together as many of you know i was just banned on tiktok and we are demonetized on a daily basis on

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JustPearlyThings - March 16, 2023

Modern Woman Says She Was A Victim Of DOMESTIC ABUSE

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