JustPearlyThings - May 30, 2023


Modern Women DONT UNDERSTAND This Options


Episode Stats


Length

11 minutes

Words per minute

199.00873

Word count

2,195

Sentence count

53

Harmful content

Misogyny

18

sentences flagged

Hate speech

16

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

In this episode, I speak to my friend Amber who is celibate and has been for the past 2 years. We talk about her experience with celibacy and how it has affected her dating life and how she deals with it. We also talk about what it's like being a woman in her late 30s and early 40s in the modern dating world.

Transcript

Transcript generated with Whisper (turbo).
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
00:00:00.040 And anyone that comes to me the first thing I say is my name's Amber
00:00:05.440 If you're trying to get my number because you think you're gonna fuck me
00:00:09.480 Just know I'm celibate and I've been in this for two and a half years. So I'm happy to exchange numbers
00:00:15.560 I'm happy to maybe be your friend
00:00:18.420 But if you think you're getting anything else out of me right now, I still don't think I'm ready to offer that to you
00:00:25.740 So, you know celibacy for me was a massive thing. Do you think that's gonna make it difficult for you to find a partner?
00:00:33.180 Saying that you're celibate because I think guys typically and I'm not looking for a part
00:00:37.220 Okay, that was gonna be my next question. Do you do you want to be married? Do you want to like have a partner? Okay
00:00:41.980 I don't know if that's not a priority and children are not for me
00:00:46.240 Would you would you want like a long-term boyfriend or something?
00:00:50.000 Um, I had long-term boyfriends in my 20s. I'm now in my late 30s
00:00:54.980 Obviously, you know, there is no better feeling than being in love
00:00:58.740 Mm-hmm that that is an emotion we cannot control and we don't know how we're gonna act
00:01:03.180 You know the idea of being in love again. Yes, it would be nice. However, I'm in absolutely
00:01:09.000 No hurry to get into that and when I feel like I'm ready and when I feel like I'm comfortable to let that run
00:01:15.900 Then I'll let that run. So do you ever feel like?
00:01:19.540 Like maybe you might run out of time at some point. No
00:01:23.020 Do you do you feel like cuz 50% of a woman's options are gone by 30 if you're trying to have children?
00:01:30.460 Yeah, no, no, it's just I'm on which men find you attractive typically and I'm just saying at some point like
00:01:37.900 Men aren't that lining up to date 70 year old women, right?
00:01:40.780 So so at some point time runs out. Yeah, we don't I don't I can't say what age that is and it differs like depending on the person
00:01:48.220 Yeah, right, but like a lot of times what I've heard from guys is they'll come in and they're like, oh
00:01:54.140 She's making me wait, but the last guy got it for free. Yeah, so it's frustrating
00:01:58.540 I don't think that you should the whole making people wait thing
00:02:02.340 Mm-hmm. I don't I don't agree with that
00:02:04.660 I think if you feel it and you want it go for it
00:02:08.220 Mm-hmm as simple as that like that's that's what chemistry is and if you have that in that immediate connection with someone and you want to
00:02:15.100 Do things then do it. Why are you waiting? Okay. I didn't know if that's what you were doing like because you saw
00:02:23.260 No, there's no waiting. It's more a case of right now. Nobody really jumps out
00:02:29.020 So when I feel a connection then cool, I'm ready for it. But until that I'm not just kind of like I'm not waiting
00:02:36.380 There's there's no time limit on
00:02:39.100 You know, we've had a pandemic, right? So and I like a lot of people had to move home
00:02:43.820 So that kind of you know prolonged the situation, but yeah, well, it's just more like a lot of times
00:02:51.580 You know, I wonder why more girls don't 1.00
00:02:55.100 Approach dating with a sense of urgency because I hear I hear that a lot with women like oh, I have time whatever but like 0.77
00:03:01.180 You know how much time do we really have?
00:03:03.660 We only have until
00:03:05.660 Tomorrow comes and yeah, sometimes tomorrow isn't guaranteed. Yeah, so you have to choose to live your life
00:03:11.220 I I think you choose to live your life in the moment
00:03:14.820 I think it depends on the culture as well because it looks like in the uk
00:03:19.220 We do things a bit differently but in america like
00:03:22.340 The girls that I know i've got a lot of family in america. They're very strategic with how they date like they will date multiple guys 0.91
00:03:31.060 and
00:03:32.020 Decipher which is the best one and then go for that. I think they've got it
00:03:36.740 Well, the ones that I talk to they've got it. They've got some sort of like
00:03:40.580 Regime that works and I think from what I understand here in the uk
00:03:45.300 We still well some of us still have this mentality of let me date one person at one time and I think that
00:03:52.660 Can cause time wasting
00:03:55.300 So I think it's just some I think there might be cultural differences
00:03:58.420 I think it's just things that we need to kind of because it's different everywhere all over the world
00:04:03.220 Like even in italy like there is uh, there are
00:04:07.380 90 percent of the women they're like they're such in a rush to sell down 1.00
00:04:12.020 Yeah, to get married to have kids. I got a lot of girlfriends like in their 20s 0.76
00:04:17.300 Married with kids and i'm like what why you're such in a rush is a cultural way that yeah
00:04:23.540 I should get married before 30s and yeah
00:04:26.180 Well, 90 of your eggs are gone by 30
00:04:28.980 So, I mean there is some sort of rally if you want four or five kids you only have so much time to do it
00:04:33.780 Yeah, I mean like and 30 of women experience infertility issues
00:04:37.700 So if you if you want kids like your 20s is your best bet
00:04:41.140 But isn't that also based on genetics as well?
00:04:43.380 Because there are some families where the women's their menopause are like mid 50s 60s 1.00
00:04:48.660 Um, yeah, it like so my mom
00:04:51.380 Like is in her 50s. She still hasn't but and she had her last kid in her 40s 1.00
00:04:55.780 But um, I think what i've heard is a lot of like the toxins and stuff are making women have fertility issues earlier
00:05:02.980 And plus we've all been on birth control since we were like 16
00:05:06.820 And so it's like with all of this stuff a lot more women are experiencing experiencing infertility issues
00:05:13.380 But it's interesting you say all the women. Um, italy the average age of first marriage is 34 0.84
00:05:18.180 That's that's lying. It could be it could be let me put women let me put women because that could maybe there's age gap and 1.00
00:05:26.980 I don't know 32. That's crazy
00:05:29.780 So it's I knew it was 31 in the uk. It's actually 27 in the us
00:05:33.860 So it's 31 and i'll explain to you why okay
00:05:38.100 Italian men's are like the eternal peter pans. Yeah 1.00
00:05:41.620 So they're gonna take ages to sell down because mommy's still gonna be there cooking for them 0.94
00:05:47.220 And washing the laundry that's why women are like, okay 1.00
00:05:50.820 I'll be your fiance for 10 years and when you're gonna be ready to leave your mommy then we're gonna get married
00:05:55.460 That's why that then the average is is 32. Do you think maybe it could possibly be that the women aren't marriageable? 1.00
00:06:02.580 Because it's just interesting because whenever I talk to men and women like women are very quick to put it on the men 1.00
00:06:07.140 Yeah, but it's never on the woman. Oh, no 0.59
00:06:11.140 Yeah, it's both sides you tell us both sides like women can be fucked up as men. It's the same way 0.96
00:06:17.460 It's just that like if I need to think about cultural point of view. Yeah, you need to be like we got a lot
00:06:24.580 men still still
00:06:26.420 like
00:06:27.540 very
00:06:28.820 Peter pans their children basically we have those in england
00:06:33.540 I'm sure they're everywhere. Yeah, but it's like, you know
00:06:36.500 It's this cultural way that you stay home with your parents and they leave
00:06:41.220 Like they leave their house like late in their 30s
00:06:44.900 While here in uk, I can see like especially in london a lot of people like young people
00:06:49.780 20 21 living by themselves renting the house
00:06:52.500 I mean this kind of job and this and this and this
00:06:54.980 You need to leave like oh really here. I feel like every person I meet like half the people
00:06:59.540 Yeah, half the people I meet in their 20s live at home. Yeah, really?
00:07:03.220 Yeah, I do think there's a bit of a divide though
00:07:06.500 There are some who well, it really depends. It's some mixture
00:07:10.020 But there are quite a lot of people that do live at home with them
00:07:13.060 Would you say the same thing for a woman like she's not growing up if she's living at home? 0.99
00:07:17.380 Yeah, um, yes, you're getting cuddled by most of the time. Yeah
00:07:21.860 But it's just interesting because I would say by and large because women make less money 1.00
00:07:26.180 There's probably more that live at home with their parents
00:07:29.700 So it's it's funny that we put it on the men and we say they don't grow up because like, you know
00:07:34.740 It goes both ways, right?
00:07:36.260 In italy women are waiting for that man to earn a certain amount of money 1.00
00:07:41.060 That's so you're gonna provide for me. Yeah, you're gonna buy a house and you're gonna do this and this and this
00:07:47.060 Otherwise my parents his mom until he gets the money. Sorry
00:07:50.740 So he has to stay at home with his parents until he gets the money if you're expecting all of that. Yeah
00:07:55.220 But most most girls can't get that because it's only like 20% of women get to stay home and be a housewife 1.00
00:08:01.060 If less and most women aren't willing to do the age gap 1.00
00:08:04.660 Which is like the best way if if you want to do that is to like date a guy in his 50s
00:08:08.980 Really? Oh, yeah, like you're yeah, you're you're 20. You're 29. You want to you want to be a housewife tomorrow?
00:08:13.700 Find a guy in his 50s. He'll do it
00:08:16.900 Yeah, but most so it's it's almost like I we have these high standards for men that a lot of them just can't
00:08:24.100 Yeah, that are unrealistic at times, you know
00:08:26.580 Yeah, we still got the stereotype of a man that's gonna be the prince charming and that what or
00:08:31.860 Disney yeah, Disney like saving you giving you that great life
00:08:37.300 When I do really think that is
00:08:39.460 Every person as an individual you should provide for yourself a great life
00:08:43.620 And then if you're gonna find a partner that's gonna suit your galaxy that is not gonna be your planet
00:08:49.220 It's gonna suit your galaxy then great. You don't think it's okay to depend on a man
00:08:54.420 No, I don't know. Wait, wait, really? So none of you think it's okay to depend on a man?
00:08:59.460 I disagree. I don't mind depending on a man, but I think that's because of like 1.00
00:09:03.380 How I was raised and my cultural background
00:09:06.820 So I'm from West Africa, Sierra Leone and like the way everything was done
00:09:12.740 My parents came in the 80s the way everything was done. My dad did
00:09:17.060 Nearly everything. The only thing I remember my mom paying for was like
00:09:21.140 the light and the
00:09:23.220 Yeah, the electric and she depended on him, but he didn't control her either
00:09:28.260 So she went to work. She did whatever and they kind there was just a normal balance
00:09:33.380 And I think that's quite no I don't know because you're both African as well
00:09:36.980 I don't know what the setup is, but that's what I saw
00:09:39.940 So I don't have an issue taking money from a man depending on a man 0.59
00:09:42.900 It doesn't make me any less of a woman if anything
00:09:45.460 I feel more in my femininity, but that's my own
00:09:48.420 Do you feel like it's a like then if a man's taking care of all the bills? 0.83
00:09:52.580 Do you feel like it's reasonable that he gets more control?
00:09:56.580 Yeah, of course, I'm gonna be the leader of the ship
00:09:59.620 Someone has to stare. I can't stare and he's staring and he's doing all the stuff
00:10:03.860 So question you guys. Why did you say no? It's not okay to depend on a man 0.99
00:10:07.620 I think for me is my personal experience
00:10:10.100 I got divorced parents and I grew up with my mom being very independent and providing for us
00:10:15.780 And she always like tell me do not let a man pay for your stuff 0.96
00:10:20.820 Yeah, make sure that you're gonna have your job and everything's real because at the end of the day
00:10:25.940 Something's gonna go wrong. You know how to be independent. You don't you're not gonna need anyone
00:10:32.740 So probably in all means like
00:10:36.100 If i'll be in a relationship, I want to be independent in terms that if something is gonna like ended
00:10:41.220 I'll still gonna make sure to you're okay
00:10:43.220 I'm i'm i'm okay with that as many of you know
00:10:46.500 I was just banned on tick tock and we are demonetized on a daily basis on this platform
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