Modern Women Lack ACCOUNTABILITY
Episode Stats
Words per Minute
211.8683
Summary
In this episode, we discuss domestic violence and abuse in the modern era and how it affects women in general. We also discuss the term "victim" and whether or not it should be used in relation to domestic violence.
Transcript
00:00:03.620
Maybe some of the things I've done are my fault.
00:00:05.860
But that does not diminish my experience of the things that I have had happened to me.
00:00:16.280
Because in my day, I called the police and nothing happened because they were saying it was a domestic.
00:00:24.360
And when you're trying to find out what happens, they always want to blame the men.
00:00:28.400
Because you're not letting me finish saying what I'm saying.
00:00:35.780
And they're always with him for multiple years.
00:00:42.860
But to me, if someone's hitting me in the face.
00:00:49.260
It's okay if I disagree about something right now.
00:00:51.700
I feel like everyone's sort of agreeing with a lot of things.
00:00:54.840
And I feel like I need to disagree about some, a few things, actually.
00:01:01.920
I don't know exactly what, but one stood out to me.
00:01:07.140
A lot of the exes I've had have been very, very nice men.
00:01:11.140
I, I'd say recently, I'd say about in October, I got out of a relationship and I was with
00:01:17.320
this guy for a year and this guy was genuinely abusive.
00:01:22.700
Does that mean I cannot use the term that I had an abusive ex?
00:01:26.240
Does that mean that I, like, should diminish my sort of feelings because of that?
00:01:31.360
Because genuinely, I had to go through, like, victim support and things like that.
00:01:37.620
So, as a woman, do you think that I should not use that?
00:01:40.320
Because I know you are laughing and joking and not about, like, narcissism and this, like
00:01:43.940
Obviously, I know there's only a small percentage of men that are actually narcissistic.
00:01:47.340
And I think people that ruin it is the women that throw these words out.
00:01:51.840
Like, for example, women that lie about getting raped or women that lie about getting, like,
00:01:59.680
They ruin it for the actual women that have been victim.
00:02:03.760
And I know, again, I'm one of those people that believe in accountability.
00:02:07.720
I genuinely believe that you should take accountability for the things that have happened to you and
00:02:14.860
But I just don't think it's fair to say that you have, you should diminish your own experience
00:02:20.900
because other women want to throw out the words or the phrases.
00:02:25.880
And, again, it sort of brings it down to yourself.
00:02:33.420
It sort of just brings it down to the fact that it makes you feel a bit worse about it sort of thing.
00:02:42.060
And, again, I can say maybe I've not been the perfect person.
00:02:45.600
Maybe some of the things I've done are my fault.
00:02:47.800
But that does not diminish my experience of the things that I have had happened to me.
00:02:54.280
From a woman that's, I'm going to speak on a woman that's been abused.
00:02:57.220
Right, in my day, you call the police, nothing happened.
00:02:59.060
In your day, you've got all the things out there.
00:03:10.780
If a man was going through a relationship, the women wouldn't give a shit.
00:03:13.740
I've got groomed from the age of 17 to 21 years old by a 29-year-old man.
00:03:32.860
They want to take my man's phone because my man's...
00:03:34.840
As far as I'm concerned, you're in an abusive relationship.
00:03:43.700
Nowadays, they've got everything there for you.
00:03:47.040
People can genuinely fucking manipulate you as somebody that's not grown up with the best fucking...
00:04:02.980
As someone that's not grown up with the best role models, sorry, it's hard for you to just click on immediately.
00:04:13.100
All I'm going to say is that you said you were young.
00:04:19.660
Because in my day, I called the police and nothing happened because they were saying it was a domestic.
00:04:24.520
So we're here talking about stuff and you're going to go against everything.
00:04:29.100
But what you're saying is that these things happen.
00:04:32.380
Pearl's just brought up a list of words that women should not use.
00:04:36.220
Nobody is saying that you cannot use those lists.
00:04:43.380
You can't always use and you've come up and you're using the same thing again.
00:04:47.800
To reiterate my point, I clearly said to you, I am a woman that believes in taking accountability.
00:04:55.980
I'm not necessarily as matured as you lot or I'm not necessarily as experienced as you lot.
00:05:02.620
If you've had sex and you've had relationships, don't use the word girl because you will say it.
00:05:08.760
Listen, my mother was raped at 14 with a weapon to her.
00:05:26.140
She didn't meet her father until she was pregnant with me at 30 at his funeral when he was in the cast.
00:05:31.680
Everything you talk about, people have went through worse.
00:05:34.880
And it's not to diminish what you've gone through.
00:05:37.940
What you've gone through is a learning lesson for you to do better.
00:05:43.060
Like my mother then went on and did better than her family through horrible circumstances.
00:05:48.240
Who took her in were nuns, Catholic nuns, when her mother kicked her out from being assaulted at 14 and pregnant.
00:05:58.040
So what I'm saying to you, what you went through, use it as a learning lesson.
00:06:05.540
Use it to fuel who you want to be in the future and realize the world has no sympathy for any of us.
00:06:13.920
The only person who cares about us the most is yourself.
00:06:18.280
And you use that as a learning lesson to never let someone manipulate you.
00:06:24.340
A lot of times women will say, I was a victim of this and you were.
00:06:30.480
It's not, nobody doesn't believe you or anything like that.
00:06:35.920
And even there's psychological, I would say, things that someone can do to you that can break you down.
00:06:43.880
We even talk about Stockholm Syndrome and all these things are very real in psychology.
00:06:47.860
But what you have to say now is say, out of all that Liz, she said, you have to say, you know, how can I now learn that lesson so that I no longer can be a victim to such a monster?
00:07:04.600
And you have to say, take accountability and say, how am I choosing?
00:07:10.840
Do I have, am I purposely choosing women in my life to guide me?
00:07:20.440
Are there, were there people in my life that said, this is not a good guy, but I still chose to be with this person?
00:07:27.200
Or I saw the red flags and it's not to point blame.
00:07:31.920
Every single person in this room has not lived a perfect life.
00:07:36.520
So it's not about saying that you, it was somehow your fault.
00:07:44.740
But now what happens is a lot of you guys are very young, but the world now sees you, you use the word girl.
00:07:51.200
And the reason why I said you're a woman is that now the world is going to hold you accountable as a woman.
00:08:00.160
You're going to be, everything you've gone through is a lesson.
00:08:04.760
And so what you want to do for your life now is take what has happened, digest it.
00:08:17.660
After that situation, have I sought out the counseling, the help that I need?
00:08:23.220
Am I surrounding myself with people that, you know, that I can learn from so that I can do better?
00:08:30.180
What I find a lot of times is a lot of times we'll be victimized and we'll go through things and then we'll wall out.
00:08:36.020
We'll go off because emotionally we don't know how to deal with the situation.
00:08:42.300
And I think what the point is, is nobody here wants you to be a victim ever again.
00:08:49.260
We want you to have strength and we want your daughters, we want your family, we want you to have a husband.
00:08:56.380
We want you to be loved on in a way that you may not have experienced.
00:09:01.020
But in order to get that, you know what happens to a lot of women who have been through that situation?
00:09:09.980
So unless you pause on dating, pause, you're very young, you don't even need to date right now.
00:09:20.400
How many things have you done to work on your healing through therapy?
00:09:25.340
If you can't afford therapy, I think in the UK this stuff is free.
00:09:30.460
But, you know, because we have to pay for everything.
00:09:36.520
Because you say, you know what, I have to care about me more than anyone else and I can never allow another person.
00:09:43.180
So when it happened to my mother, what she did is those nuns took her in.
00:09:47.580
And I won't go into details of how horrific it was.
00:09:52.160
But imagine being violated as that as a child and being pregnant.
00:09:55.860
And then your own mother, who was for the streets, had children by different men, competed against you for different men, did not believe you, and didn't want another mouth to feed.
00:10:18.840
And then she said she didn't talk to her family for seven years.
00:10:21.660
She said, I'm going to do better than all of them.
00:10:23.900
She joined the military in the US, became ROTC.
00:10:28.660
I grew up in the Pentagon under Colin Powell and people in the US.
00:10:34.100
But I interned at the White House and she raised me in private school.
00:10:44.900
Pearl is not bringing this up to re-victimize you.
00:10:52.880
But if we don't say it to you, a lot of times you will still be attracted to whatever energy.
00:11:02.160
Whatever spirit you are attracted to, you will continue to attract it unless you say,
00:11:07.620
you know what, what was in me that I saw red flags in this man and I stayed.
00:11:12.880
And how can I heal and grow from this so I can do better and get better?
00:11:20.460
And I want you to understand that, that we understand and we absolutely do not blame you.
00:11:27.760
But I can see you going far if you can take the accountability and heal and make better choices in men.
00:11:37.220
A demon like that who would abuse you does not deserve you.
00:11:40.280
And we don't want you to be attracted to that same spirit again.
00:11:44.640
Because, again, I know I just went a bit berserk about the words.
00:11:48.280
But I think you're right in saying what you do say manifests in itself.
00:11:52.560
So, like, if I am saying these sort of words, then, again, it can happen again.
00:11:58.060
And so I think, like you said, I'm attracting that sort of energy.
00:12:01.680
But, yeah, I really appreciate what you just said.
00:12:08.820
I just think sometimes people can be a bit harsh in the way that they sort of say things.
00:12:13.720
I'm sorry for being so straightforward, but that's where I am.
00:12:28.700
And I just tend not to really, like, I speak about it, but I just don't really think it's helping.
00:12:35.080
Can I tell you, the men in the space, like MTR, and there's other men in the space.
00:12:43.120
And a lot of women were upset with him because he would speak harshly.
00:12:48.480
But one of the things that he understood is a lot of women had no leadership and guidance and direction.
00:12:55.960
They were being victimized by men in a very harsh way.
00:13:03.440
Women are just discovering how he went crazy on men, like way harder than women.
00:13:09.400
And one of the things he said was that, like, no one's talking to them.
00:13:14.880
People are just allowing our women to be victimized and telling them what they want to hear.
00:13:21.960
So one of the things I would advise you to do is to listen to men like MTR.
00:13:26.780
There's a lot of men in the space that if you actually listen to them befriended men in that space, they would give you protection.
00:13:35.420
And especially if you come with a humble spirit and you're listening and you would learn from them how men think.
00:13:40.900
And you would start to see, wait, I've seen a man like MTR who is talking about high achieving and this, that, and the other and what the expectations are.
00:13:50.880
And you would start to see when a guy comes across you again who's, like, basic and you could start to see those red flags because you're just like, I've seen other men who are not this way, who are, you know, who are different, who speak different.
00:14:06.940
So if a man comes with you with the same red flag energy that could victimize you, you'll know better.
00:14:12.720
You won't even be attracted to anymore because you have that exposure.
00:14:16.700
And if you befriend these men, instead of making, a lot of women make them their enemy, but a lot of these men will love you and give you advice and entreat you with respect.
00:14:29.260
And if you brought a man in their direction and asked them advice, they would be happy to tell you the truth about that man.
00:14:39.100
We will notice those red flags from our family and friends, or we know in our spirit, but we're attracted to something, but we're not willing to step away.
00:14:48.420
There's a little bit of rebellion in us if we're honest.
00:14:54.920
But as you grow and as you get older, these are things that are going to be important because you're going to tell your daughters or your children the same thing.
00:15:02.340
Or you may raise your sons to never victimize a woman.
00:15:09.100
I was going to say something, but it's just absolutely gone out of my head.
00:15:15.240
I just feel like me personally, I've been disadvantaged a bit growing up because I've never really felt like I have been protected by a man.
00:15:34.780
So I lived with him in a split family from probably about 10 years old.
00:15:41.960
But he came from Sierra Leone and he didn't speak very well English.
00:15:47.240
You don't know much about the Western culture and whatnot.
00:15:52.520
He was a bit strict, but he never really taught me core values or what to see in a man.
00:15:57.080
He was a little bit abusive as well, which is, I think, one of the reasons why I don't...
00:16:01.380
I wouldn't say I seek abusive men, but originally, now I've started looking into it, I spot the signs.
00:16:08.060
But originally, I'd be around either emotionally unavailable men or men that are abusive.
00:16:16.720
So I feel like I had a bit of disadvantage at that point.
00:16:19.840
Like you were saying earlier, like with the whole, when you grow up, being brought up to be a housewife.
00:16:27.760
So I feel like I've been disadvantaged in that sense.
00:16:30.700
But it's something that I'm currently working on and something that, like...
00:16:34.900
Obviously, I'm currently healing myself before I get into another relationship
00:16:37.380
because I don't want to hurt myself again with a man that I feel does not deserve me.
00:16:42.460
But again, I just feel, like I said earlier, a bit disadvantaged in that sense.
00:16:51.960
And you don't have to talk about this if you don't want to.
00:17:18.200
This is the type of conversation that I typically...
00:17:21.100
I think it's very important for the women to talk to the women regarding this conversation.
00:17:26.040
I kind of feel like out of place and out of turn in order to enter information.
00:17:29.340
But let me give you, from my perspective, something that I tell the men on my channel is that
00:17:36.620
one of the first places that you should look at is the relationship between her father.
00:17:40.680
And you mentioned that you said that your father was abusive.
00:17:44.360
And one thing that we actually learned in the conversation earlier today is like, like attracts like.
00:17:50.960
And if your father was abusive, you are more likely to attract abuse going into the future.
00:17:57.480
And I think that it ranged true even within this conversation.
00:18:01.400
I think there was a lot of points that were made on both sides of the coin from both Melanie and Auntie Jenny that I think you should replay this video back.
00:18:11.660
But at the end of the day, you have to be responsible for you.
00:18:16.920
And what you don't want to do is be a victim into your singleness.
00:18:25.380
You know, it's a failure of us as older women that we should be, you know, being able to mentor young women who have gone through these things and being able to be a voice.
00:18:40.320
They're taking the same thirst trapping photos and still doing the most, only care about themselves.
00:18:52.420
And I was blessed where my sister and cousin flew out with me like on a dime because our father, you know, our families raised us where they have money.
00:19:07.820
Like I was like, hey, I got to follow up for business.
00:19:11.460
Like my sister bought a travel agency just so we could travel and like get discounts.
00:19:16.960
And I say my sister is one of the people who's mentored me, like just talking to her, but my family in general.
00:19:23.280
And I think, you know, if you want to hit me up and this is how I was raised because my parents did a lot of church ministry and things.
00:19:30.900
But if you want to hit up and you want to talk to an older woman who's not like, I'm not your mother.
00:19:37.120
I'm not going to, you know, but if you want to, you know, you know, just, you know, like, hey, can I, I don't know certain things.
00:19:46.360
And I think that we as older women have failed this generation of women, the younger women.
00:19:52.500
And, and we take, I take accountability for that.
00:19:56.760
Not, you know, me specifically that I've done it, but in general, and even your mother allowing you to be raised by a man who victimized you and did not raise you, you know, in the way that you should go.
00:20:08.420
But you can change that and you can have a great outcome.
00:20:12.980
Let it be just a lesson to make greater, you know, it's a pain always leaves a gift.
00:20:29.980
No, um, um, Melanie, um, as older woman, and I'm older than you, the young people don't want to listen.
00:20:48.360
I'm tired of talking to young people because they don't want to listen.
00:20:53.980
If Pearl wants advice and she can't get hold of her mother, Pearl will phone me.
00:21:02.160
Two o'clock in the morning, I'm going to tell her like it is.
00:21:09.900
I don't want to go around and I've been talking to young people.
00:21:20.280
I've got the young people now coming and telling me, oh, you know what you told them on your podcast?
00:21:39.840
And I'm supposed to feel sorry because you've had a bad life?
00:21:48.180
I don't give a toss about what you're going through because you know that you're in the UK now.
00:22:00.680
So that's why I've got to the point where I am where I don't want to hear no excuses for the UK because in the UK, they lay down.
00:22:19.700
So I can understand what you're saying from an American point of view.
00:22:25.400
I'm tired of talking to young people because they will look at me and they will say, ah, this is what I've been told.
00:22:35.000
But deep inside, the body, the foundation of life is still there.
00:22:41.680
So I'm tired of talking to young people in a way that, oh, yeah, let me be nice.
00:22:49.340
If it was a man, if a man comes to you and they say, oh, I'm feeling a bit depressed.
00:22:56.220
So I've got to the point where if it's good enough for the goose, it's good enough for the gander.
00:23:09.260
There's nothing that she ain't been through that I ain't been through 10 times worse.
00:23:24.600
I was in an abusive relationship when I had my son.
00:23:31.220
I was on contraception because I'm an exception to every rule.
00:23:40.960
Your frustration right now is because of the rebellion.
00:23:45.220
I'm just annoyed at the fact that we're going over the same things over and over and over and over and over again,
00:23:50.320
trying to make it nice for the young modern women.
00:23:57.900
Whatever happens to you, spin it on its head and make it build you, make you a stronger person.
00:24:08.780
They had a soap the other day about men because they now decide that men's mental health matters.
00:24:12.600
At the end of every soap and every English person will tell you there's a phone number.
00:24:17.080
If this has affected you or you have something similar, phone this number, you will get help.
00:24:23.580
So because all the help is out there, I don't want to hear it.
00:24:26.420
No, instead they want to watch the Kardashians and Bad Girls Club and they digest toxicity.
00:24:33.300
And one of the things I would say, Aunt Jenny, you're correct, because one of the things I
00:24:37.240
would say, and you guys have got to understand her perspective and don't take it as though
00:24:41.840
she's been harsh or whatever, like we live in a very soft generation.
00:24:47.740
Like if you, I don't know how it was, I do know how it was in the U.K., but if you understand what
00:24:51.980
people went through in the U.S., I always bring up Meghan Markle compared to Ruby Bridges.
00:24:57.180
Meghan Markle, they're going into a worldwide privacy tour complaining.
00:25:02.400
My brother got the biggest size of the room and all this other stuff.
00:25:05.700
I came, my first time in the U.K. was to go to that wedding because I was proud of the situation
00:25:13.100
But as I started to see the complaining, I said, Ruby Bridges in the U.S., there was
00:25:17.760
segregation between black and white people in school.
00:25:22.940
She was the first black girl to ever go into a white school in the entire U.S.
00:25:27.120
If you look back at the documentaries, what she went through, black people, particularly
00:25:30.880
in the U.S., during segregation, she stood what we call 10 toes down harder than Meghan Markle
00:25:38.640
There was a little girl who stood harder, and you've never heard Ruby Bridges say a word.
00:25:43.840
Rosa Parks, you know, people who went through real oppression.
00:25:49.980
Every person, everything that you went through, somebody went through a thousand times worse
00:25:59.440
It is a failure right now because many of us, we're so much into our feelings, my truth,
00:26:13.180
So you can't say my body, my choice, but yet I was victimized by a man.
00:26:17.700
So, like, is it you want sympathy to say, well, I was victimized, but, hey, it was your body,
00:26:26.120
The only thing I say is that if we can come to—I feel like not everyone's going to change.
00:26:36.700
I go with there are people who will stay hard-headed, stay in rebellion, stay in pride, and want
00:26:42.720
what they want, lust, greed, and whatever, and you're going to get the results of that.
00:26:46.500
But if I can—if what you just said, what I said, the combination of these things, if
00:26:51.460
we can, like, talk to these young women and say, I understand, let me, like, maybe mentor
00:26:58.560
I still think there's a responsibility of us as older women to mentor.
00:27:01.940
Now, if you have a mentee that's hard-headed and will still want to run the streets, still
00:27:10.420
But I will tell you, there are women like my mother who—it wasn't her choice.
00:27:17.600
She listened to these nuns after she was thrown out.
00:27:20.240
If you continue to be hard-headed, you have to understand life is going to throw you horrific
00:27:28.300
If you don't listen to a woman like Aunt Jenny, you think she's just popping off and
00:27:32.740
If you don't take the time to understand, you want to be—you want direction.
00:27:36.620
You don't let her guide you because you don't like the tone.
00:27:39.520
This is what Kevin Samuels—he was a friend of mine.
00:27:42.540
But now all of a sudden they do because they realize they're not getting the results.
00:27:45.720
And the same thing that you're saying, they don't like your tone, but you're fed up because
00:27:52.420
You've tried everything, and they don't want to listen.
00:27:54.920
So y'all have to understand there's two sides to this coin.
00:27:58.600
And I just said where my frustrations come from.
00:28:05.380
I was English-born, went to Barbados, come back, and I was told, go back to the jungle.
00:28:12.900
And what I don't—what I feel Pearl can say, Pearl knows, some of the women that come on this show
00:28:19.640
and I blast them, I give them my personal number to say, well, you know, if you want to change, help me.
00:28:26.580
And then I've got the men on Instagram that I mentor on Instagram.
00:28:35.100
I have never had a—I've had an 18-year-old girl with four—
00:28:41.480
I've had numerous people on this show, women, young girls, under 21, that I've tried to help.
00:28:47.840
And do they take it now because she's old school?
00:28:49.980
But yet the men, the men that I talk to, or the men that hear me, they'll phone me up.
00:28:57.900
I have had the men phone up the show and then I've said, no, you're fat.
00:29:05.600
And the guys will come back and they'll show me.
00:29:07.820
One guy came back and I looked at him and I thought, do I recognize you?
00:29:15.440
He's got himself a girlfriend and he was doing great.
00:29:28.580
But they talk to me about their problems and they change.
00:29:34.260
Well, it's because the hardest thing to do is change yourself.
00:29:41.100
Women just look to feel better most of the time.
00:29:49.540
No, because there's even a guy, I think his tag is fling fuck on it.
00:29:56.440
No, I have the men phoning me up on my Instagram, but the women never phone up.
00:30:01.860
You sit here and you say the same things over and over again.
00:30:06.720
And then they walk out of there and it's like, oh, she doesn't know nothing.
00:30:12.460
If you hit me up, my Instagram, I'll give it to you.
00:30:20.900
And no, no, don't feel like you're bothering me.
00:30:25.640
God has put me on this earth just to, you know, for myself.
00:30:36.320
The way my mother raised me, my father raised me.
00:30:39.880
I don't want you to feel alone, you know, and a lot of young women don't have someone
00:30:46.040
But this is the thing I'm going to tell you, just like Aunt Jenny just said, if you are,
00:30:52.640
I can listen to, if you feel something different.
00:30:55.280
But if I feel like you're bucking and you're, like, going to be rebellious and you're still
00:30:59.380
making choices with the same men, if I tell you, listen, these are red flags, you got to
00:31:12.520
Like, I'm terrified of her because she loves me so much.
00:31:18.340
But I know if she's giving me instruction and I've stepped out, I'm going to get it.
00:31:24.700
She is going to read me and I'm, like, terrified of it, but it's a good terrified because I
00:31:30.600
She wants the best for me and she can see me being, if I'm being hardheaded, same thing
00:31:35.940
So you have to understand, if you reach out for help, be prepared to receive that help
00:31:42.900
It's not going to come always in a pretty package and it's not going to be what you want
00:31:46.560
to hear, but if you have a soft heart and a willing, you have a willing, your ears are
00:31:52.100
willing to listen, to digest, doesn't mean you have to be perfect, but if you're going
00:31:56.720
to, you know, so many women, they rebel against older women and think, well, I'm young, she's
00:32:02.400
old, she don't know any better, and we don't know anything, and we just want you to-
00:32:11.320
People are still people and we can see things from a different perspective.
00:32:14.500
And like, you think she wants you to fail, even with all her passion and things, even
00:32:20.300
with that, do you think she's feeling this fiery because she doesn't care?
00:32:31.900
I think our society right now at the moment, we're on the topic of modern women.
00:32:37.700
I think modern women need it a bit more sensitive because I feel like with your last generation,
00:32:47.120
And I think a lot of our parents, for example, like my mum and dad was quite tough on me.
00:32:52.320
But I think our generation is starting to learn more about psychology and more about how people
00:32:57.820
actually feel and how people should be treated.
00:33:02.340
I actually have a very strong feeling on psychology.
00:33:13.820
Not because I want it, but because I needed a visa.
00:33:24.920
I'm not saying there are exceptions, but literally they're all nuts.
00:33:34.480
I don't think anyone, I don't think we, everyone lies to women.
00:33:37.260
Whenever men tell us what they want, society lies to us.
00:33:42.580
She said, didn't she say you need to be more sensitive to modern women?
00:34:04.300
Okay, this happened four years ago, three, four years ago.
00:34:07.220
Do you still consider yourself a victim of that?
00:34:09.640
No, I consider myself as someone who survived it and somebody that, like, I feel like,
00:34:18.740
I could have left a lot of times when I didn't leave.
00:34:22.100
But I felt like I was just sort of sucked into, like, a cycle where I felt like I couldn't
00:34:32.220
What you need to do, right, is say to yourself, I'm a survivor.
00:34:44.820
I mean, to be four years outside of the situation happening and it's still drawing tears out of you,
00:34:49.020
No, I mean, like, no, it ended recently as in, like, it started about 16, 17.
00:34:54.300
Why were you in it for four years as an adult and you didn't remove yourself from the situation?
00:35:00.420
And again, like I said, it's a mistake that I made.
00:35:02.740
That's why you need more tough love because you've gotten pandered to.
00:35:07.240
But I didn't necessarily get coddled because, again, the only people that I was seeking advice from...
00:35:13.020
You needed a father to step into the situation and say, what are you doing?
00:35:26.080
You need someone to step in and say, this is what a man is.
00:35:30.780
And if he is not that version, then you need to step...
00:35:39.940
And here's the thing is that, like, you guys want us to be truthful,
00:35:42.800
but at the point that we're truthful, then you start crying.
00:35:53.760
And then again, you're going to be single for the next couple of decades
00:36:08.220
It did get physical a few times, but it was more emotional.
00:36:31.120
Because at the time, I still loved him, which is...
00:36:37.400
But I genuinely still loved him, even though shit happened.
00:36:43.860
Do you think not pressing charges on him is a component of tough love, or it's a component of being coddled?
00:36:48.960
I think it's more of a component of me being sort of an empathetic person.
00:36:56.180
I try to see the good in people, even when they've done bad, because I've done bad things, and I still believe I'm a good person.
00:37:04.800
So I believe that other people are good, yet they do bad things.
00:37:14.940
Say, for example, I pressed charges on him, like he had a daughter as well.
00:37:18.280
If I pressed charges on him, that's not just him going to prison.
00:37:26.460
I could be stopping other people from going through that.
00:37:30.060
Because, again, like I said, I loved him at the time.
00:37:32.160
I thought of it as like a knock-on effect that, okay, if I get him arrested, it's not only just him that I...
00:37:47.520
I'm assuming when you guys were together, you didn't think you were groomed, right?
00:38:00.240
Yeah, I'd say like when I left the relationship, I started reading a few books and I started like looking into like...
00:38:16.420
I mean, the thing is, I feel like you can get...
00:38:22.000
So if he was younger than you, would it have been grooming?
00:38:25.440
See, I'm going to be careful on what I say here because I don't want to say that...
00:38:32.240
I don't want to speak too much on the situation because obviously this is going to be out there
00:38:34.980
and I've got people that are watching and whatnot.
00:38:43.160
He emailed me a lot and then he'd sort of buy me gifts, button me up, tell me that he'd be watching me in work when I was like 16 and shit like that.
00:38:51.540
And then just sort of, I don't want to say he forced me in a relationship, but...
00:38:58.760
Like I, at the time I thought I wanted that relationship.
00:39:02.040
And then afterwards I seen all the signs of like what he had done and how we had gone about it.
00:39:09.740
And it all lines up to like grooming, in my opinion anyway.
00:39:13.880
Are there things I'm willing to call out that are specific to grooming as opposed to just being a bad relationship with someone that you consider abusive?
00:39:29.440
And the reason why I ask is because I think men today...
00:39:36.320
A lot of men today have words that are weaponized against them.
00:39:41.380
You know, like one of the big ones is toxic masculinity, you know.
00:39:44.580
Because I am, you know, I have shitty components within my masculinity that is therefore toxic.
00:39:51.440
And then there's kind of this bad branding that trails them no matter what.
00:39:54.900
And, you know, again, I don't know the situation.
00:39:58.560
But there's people that are watching that know you and that know him.
00:40:01.260
And now they have a thought in their mind that he's a groomer.
00:40:05.980
No, the thing is, it's most other people that I spoke to about the situation that told me that.
00:40:13.500
When I'm in a relationship, I tend to keep a lot of things to myself.
00:40:22.580
There may be a few issues here and there where I may seek advice.
00:40:29.720
And, again, somebody said before, there may have been red flags that I ignored.
00:40:35.400
And, yeah, again, I'd say there was a lot of red flags that I ignored.
00:40:38.900
But because I was so willing to commit to this man, I decided to stay in that relationship and endure what I endured.
00:41:00.000
Like, for me, I see where you're coming from and everything.
00:41:04.960
Because, you know, I think a lot of people have gone through these things and they don't actually know they've gone through grooming.
00:41:09.920
But sometimes, like, some people will suss out your...
00:41:15.320
They will kind of evaluate your situations and see how close you are with your family or your friends and things like that.
00:41:22.760
Because it's like, if you're young and under the age of, like, 18, like, 16 or so, and they're 30, and they know you don't have a good connection with your family or maybe you, even, like, maybe were homeless or grew up in care or things like that.
00:41:34.340
And then they can appeal to things that you need because you've never had anyone.
00:41:41.860
Because to me, like, 15 is a bit, like, you know, but...
00:41:51.480
I'd say, you know what you're doing, but what business does a 27-year-old man have to do with, like, a 15, 16, 17-year-old?
00:42:01.920
I mean, when I was 15, he was, what, he would have been 24, and then onwards from there.
00:42:08.260
Wait, he started talking to you when you were 15?
00:42:19.220
The thing is, it wasn't, he was talking to me in a sexual way.
00:42:21.800
It was in, because, again, like I said, I met this guy at work, so it was, like, in a friend, friendly way.
00:42:27.340
But looking back, I felt like he'd buttoned me up, like he'd be on my socials, complimenting me, like, saying shit, like, one day I'm going to wife you, shit like that.
00:42:39.200
And I didn't see it at the time, and I genuinely, I don't know, I, the first few years, it was, obviously, I got, I got with him when I was 17.
00:42:50.760
So it's not like I got with him when I was underage.
00:42:53.700
I was, like, 17, 18 when I actually got with him and started dating him and whatnot.
00:42:57.700
And, again, like you said, Pearl, you know what you're doing at that age.
00:43:02.460
I don't, I don't sort of say I don't know what I was doing.
00:43:06.060
But, again, I feel like I was in a vulnerable position, and I got taken advantage of.
00:43:10.940
You, you, you were unwilling to make wise decisions at that age, up to 17, or whatever the situation, and it ended a year ago?
00:43:18.900
Throughout that whole time, you've been, you were incapable of making great decisions regarding this relationship.
00:43:38.680
I'm old enough to work, yes, but I have recently left jobs.
00:43:42.880
I mean, when everybody's talking about the age when they got together, all I heard was they met at work.
00:43:50.280
Yeah, I worked, I was working an illegal job, cashing hand from 15 years old.
00:43:55.120
All right then, if I go to a workplace, if you and me are going to work, right, and I see you at work, I'm obviously going to think you're an adult because you're working.
00:44:09.460
And he told me you look 21 and you're mature for your age.
00:44:16.280
Just because I'm working, it doesn't excuse it.
00:44:22.920
And this is what I'm hearing about modern people.
00:44:27.020
And when you're trying to find out what happens, they always want to blame the men.
00:44:31.120
Because you're not letting me finish saying what I'm saying.
00:44:35.300
So the first thing the guy could have seen was that you're under age, that you're of age because you're working.
00:44:43.500
You know, you can work from the age of 15, 16, as long as you have a national insurance number.
00:44:54.800
And your parents' permission to work under age.
00:45:06.080
If your parents gave you permission to work, why couldn't you go to your parents and say,
00:45:25.120
When you were first talking, and what I understood you was first going to say is that you can't
00:45:30.980
come out here and call a man a groomer unless you've got evidence for it.
00:45:34.600
You can't come out here and tell somebody something.
00:45:39.040
I call somebody like, oh, yeah, I can turn around and say my son's dad's an abuser.
00:45:48.760
But you're going to come on here and you're going to say all these things happen.
00:45:51.880
And then you're going to turn around and say, oh, I called the police.
00:45:55.840
I could have gone to court, but I didn't press charges.
00:46:01.340
So does that, you can't be sitting on social media.
00:46:08.800
You can't cut me off nowhere because that's where the disrespect comes in.
00:46:14.180
You're trying to say I should respect my elders because you're not respecting me.
00:46:32.780
Obviously, I'm going to act like a fucking modern woman.
00:46:42.500
You come on there and you're saying, obviously, like you said, the people know who he is.
00:46:48.960
So as far as they're concerned, he was in a relationship.
00:46:56.020
He is a groomer out there without a police record.
00:47:00.780
He's a groomer out there who hasn't gone to court for grooming her.
00:47:04.600
You're speaking on something that you literally do not know.
00:47:06.540
You're speaking on something that you don't know.
00:47:09.560
Has he been to court for what he's done to you?
00:47:19.580
So he's out there without any subject or anything to do with you.
00:47:23.620
So if he got any other charges out there, it's not from what he's done to you.
00:47:27.420
So you can't go out there and say, oh, I took him to court.
00:47:30.420
And oh, I could have gone to court and I didn't press charges.
00:47:33.540
Because if somebody does something and you press charges, if they don't press charges,
00:47:47.200
Do you know how many people commit crimes and do not go to prison for it?
00:47:50.980
And those are the people that should be talking about it.
00:47:57.260
If somebody commits a crime against you and you don't want to report it, shut up about it.
00:48:08.720
If somebody's abusing you and you know that the police are going to stop you
00:48:12.120
and you decide to sit there and you don't want to say nothing,
00:48:16.640
Because you could have done something about it.
00:48:20.960
So you don't want to be a snitch, but you want to sit there and be an abused person.
00:48:24.340
No, I don't want to sit there and be an abused person.
00:48:26.560
You're going to sit there and say he was a groomer.
00:48:28.940
It's like you trying to turn around to me and say I shouldn't tell people I got hit by a bus
00:48:35.980
and I got brain damaged because it's a bad thing to say.
00:48:43.560
It's a little bit different than that because it's three sides to every story.
00:48:48.280
If he was described the situation, do you think he would describe himself as a groomer?
00:49:00.520
Yeah, but that's the story that she's telling us based off of things that she's recounting it.
00:49:04.580
See, he might then say, well, I didn't know she was working at a spot and I thought you
00:49:10.840
I mean, there's always going to be a multiple size of the story.
00:49:13.020
The whole point is we're going off of what she says.
00:49:16.360
And he doesn't have a platform to talk about it.
00:49:25.680
And you showed us a police support, it's different.
00:49:36.260
And they're always with him for multiple years.
00:49:43.200
But to me, if someone's hitting me in the face, I'm getting the fuck out of there.
00:49:48.740
You don't know, though, unless you're in a situation.
00:49:56.880
There's a lot of other fucking shit that goes on.
00:50:00.720
But, and so then, and so then, I asked, did you file a police report?
00:50:06.640
And so then we're going to a point where she can say, he did this, this, and this.
00:50:18.460
And so the point is that many men get accused of crimes they did not commit.
00:50:23.900
And when there is no evidence and no police report, I don't know your personal situation,
00:50:27.940
but it's weird to me that you were there for multiple years and you didn't press charges.
00:50:34.220
Because if someone hits me in the face, I'm going to the police.
00:50:36.560
So me personally, I wasn't there for multiple years.
00:50:43.100
No, I'm saying he was grooming me from 15 to about, I was 17 years old.
00:50:49.180
And then that's when things started getting further on.
00:50:57.200
No, I know what you're saying is again, it reiterates my point before why I got upset about
00:51:02.920
the list because some women turn around and say, I've been abused.
00:51:13.120
And the actual victims not want to report it because you feel like you're doing something
00:51:20.600
And especially if you've got someone in the back of your ear saying, don't report me.
00:51:26.360
Like you love this person and this person is telling you all sorts.
00:51:31.560
So if you're not going to report it, then why would you go around telling everybody?
00:51:37.360
You're going to report it on a podcast for everyone to listen to.
00:51:39.580
Why don't you report it to the police where change can be had?
00:51:42.400
What's the police going to do apart from put him on the sex offenders list and give me
00:51:54.160
Protect my grandchildren and his cousin and her sister and everybody, all the other females
00:52:00.500
That's what you're doing when you report something like that.
00:52:03.900
You're thinking about the whole, everybody around you and everybody around him.
00:52:10.120
Once you let an offender go, you're leaving it for him to abuse everybody else.
00:52:18.120
If proven that he's done these things, he needs to be held completely and utterly accountable.
00:52:23.900
When they're talking to you and they hear these stories.
00:52:27.120
There are so many men that have had false allegations against them.
00:52:31.840
Most men know someone that was falsely accused.
00:52:35.180
So this might be harsh, dear, but I'm telling you, when they listen to these stories, they
00:52:41.680
She might do that to me because there's no evidence to back her.
00:52:44.800
I've been falsely accused and a police report was not filed because she was lying.
00:52:52.800
Because she knows that if she filed a police report, and let's say it went to court, it
00:52:56.700
went to jury, it wouldn't have stood up because she completely made it up out of thin air.
00:53:01.860
And the evidence would not have shown exactly the things that she was saying at that particular
00:53:05.720
junction because her feelings made it feel like something that happened or her back was
00:53:11.480
And everything that all of you guys are saying right now, it holds weight.
00:53:18.080
And it just brings us back to the topic of women not being held accountable and being
00:53:24.320
That is not saying that your story isn't true or anything of that nature.
00:53:28.820
But personally, this is still very raw for you.
00:53:31.660
And a person has to be in a place where they are ready to hear the valid points that are
00:53:38.520
The wisdom that Jenny is sharing, even the points that Melody is saying about coming to
00:53:43.540
But if you are not in a place where you can receive that, because right now in the moment,
00:53:47.440
you are still defending the situation, even though your heart isn't to defend it.
00:53:50.840
Your heart is defending your feelings and emotions around it.
00:53:57.180
And as they are talking, you are being triggered and you are reliving each and every moment.
00:54:02.840
What's happening here is you're going back through it.
00:54:06.540
And it seems like you are rebellious to them and giving valid, honest, good feedback for
00:54:15.960
And now you feel like you have to defend yourself.
00:54:17.960
And you can't properly receive the wisdom that is going forth in the room because it's
00:54:24.580
As he's already mentioned, make sure you go back through this recording and you listen
00:54:27.820
to the points in a place when you are ready to properly receive from it.
00:54:31.840
Because it's a lot of things that are being said that honestly, if you from the right
00:54:36.360
perspective listen to it and hear it, you're going to recognize that this actually was a red flag.
00:54:43.200
And even what they're saying right now about calling someone a groomer without the proper
00:54:48.120
evidence, no one's saying that he wasn't a groomer.
00:54:52.160
But in the state that we live in where women aren't being held accountable and they go around
00:54:55.620
accusing men, how dangerous that can be without action behind it.
00:54:59.480
And that is the only point, which is a very valid point.
00:55:02.440
It is the reality that we live in and it sucks and it is unreal.
00:55:05.720
And so women like yourself who have a justified situation have to deal with that reality.
00:55:10.180
But you have to deal with the accountability too.
00:55:13.660
And it's not to say that in the moment things couldn't have been different, but I just want
00:55:18.720
Because as another woman on this couch, I can't relate personally to that, but I emotionally
00:55:25.980
And I don't want you to feel like you have to continue defending yourself because that's
00:55:30.720
Listen, all I'm saying is personally, I did not want to mention this at all on this panel.
00:55:35.760
I feel like this is something that's quite personal.
00:55:38.440
And again, like you just said, it's something that's quite fresh to me.
00:55:41.000
So I feel like putting it out there right now was probably not the best thing for me to
00:55:47.320
And I think that is, again, why I'm getting a little bit triggered.
00:55:51.920
I've only just started speaking up about it and whatnot.
00:55:54.220
And I think just hearing the point of view that other people are trying to say that
00:55:57.620
I'm chatting shit, I think it is a bit annoying.
00:56:01.760
Because when you know, like that's what it sort of feels like.
00:56:11.940
But I need you to realize where you are, right?
00:56:14.260
Because even your response to this is still defensive.
00:56:19.200
Because everything that went forth today was wisdom.
00:56:24.240
Because all of your emotions are trying to justify and to protect you and what you went through.
00:56:28.900
And while your emotions may have been real in the moment, in perspective, in time, are they valid?
00:56:34.880
Is that the reality that paints the picture of the holistic experience in that moment?
00:56:42.060
But in the perspective of time, vision is 20-20.
00:56:46.000
When you look back on that and you take these other factors and elements that everyone has contributed to in this room, you will have a different perspective.
00:56:52.260
But right now, in this moment, you're not hearing it.
00:57:01.200
I do genuinely value all your opinions in there.
00:57:05.580
Obviously, you've got more wisdom and more knowledge and whatnot.
00:57:07.540
But again, like I was saying earlier, I just sort of feel like I'm being quote-unquote as, oh, this is just a modern woman.
00:57:22.000
I feel like I'm sort of being put in a place where I'm being categorized in a place where I cannot change.
00:57:35.820
Like, honestly, I'm on my Auntie Jenny shit at this point.
00:57:43.020
Do you know the one thing that stood out to me?
00:58:03.860
If this is not a victim thing, think about the little girl.
00:58:12.840
And if a man's a groomer, groomer, groomer, groomer,
00:58:27.600
I swear for God, if I came across a dude that I knew was abusive