JustPearlyThings - Modern Women NEED To Stop THIS

00:00:00.000 most girls go back after they get cheated on some not all what percent how many friends do you know 0.96

00:00:05.740 that have gotten cheated on uh um all of them no a couple but it was the situation that they had

00:00:18.480 been in so let's say if it involved kids obviously they want to put the kids first you know i mean

00:00:23.180 um no i know there's reasons i'm just curious yeah but i don't think i think after they've

00:00:28.200 been cheated on once they start where i'm such a the type of person i am and the way i handle things

00:00:36.360 obviously the people around me they've done dumb stupid things like i've done stupid things in the 0.59

00:00:42.120 past and believe the guy i'm not judging the question but i just feel like how many how many

00:00:47.340 friends of yours have gotten cheated on a couple so so two three yeah three three and how many stayed

00:00:54.000 with him after he cheated um two two but they've not they're not with them anymore right but i just

00:01:01.060 meant like when they cheated they stayed yeah they stayed with them afterwards but then they left

00:01:04.500 that obviously yeah yeah later yeah proves my point

00:01:09.440 um okay uh

00:01:14.160 i like don't even remember the original question because you haven't been down here yet no i know

00:01:20.340 because i was thinking would you remember the question yeah it was something to do with type of

00:01:23.360 men i think it was 0.81

00:01:25.680 have you separated from men or how many men have you separated yeah how many how many breakups have

00:01:32.660 you initiated and why so my first one i left but it nearly cost me my life um my second one i

00:01:44.480 it was i was seeing someone and he was seeing other women so that ended um and my third one i was just

00:01:57.200 a huge secret so that ended in november so like his family and friends didn't know about you

00:02:06.140 okay okay so you felt like you wanted something more serious and it was more casual for him

00:02:10.780 yeah i i think so um it was four years that i was with him so if you don't mind me asking how did

00:02:18.320 you almost lose your life in the first one uh domestic abuse physical abuse um all abuse

00:02:28.780 um yeah i was basically isolated um

00:02:34.800 big question on live tv

00:02:39.380 yeah that's i have our counseling for it um i've got two beautiful girls um amazing girls he blessed me

00:02:49.040 with those um certainly taught me a lesson a huge one um one that nearly cost me my life

00:02:54.780 um but yeah i was with him for a long time um

00:02:59.480 i don't know why i stayed i think mentally and emotionally i think abusers have a way of

00:03:07.260 the physical disappears the mental and emotional abuse stays um

00:03:14.480 i was so isolated from everybody and i think in terms of i only had him and his family so

00:03:23.160 it was quite difficult and i think the good was good the bad was horrific

00:03:29.560 so um were you able to press charges

00:03:33.180 i didn't for a very long time but i don't think

00:03:38.300 i dealt with it and healed from it until years later

00:03:42.740 um in fact it was only up until a few years ago so

00:03:46.420 i finally left in 2010

00:03:48.920 um so 13 years ago and i only really dealt with it and got support for it

00:03:54.880 about five five years ago and dealt with it so i think it was

00:03:59.380 i up and moved the police removed me from my home

00:04:03.080 um it was going to go to court we did go to court

00:04:06.200 um they said i wouldn't see him at court i did see him at court and then that's when i withdrew all my

00:04:11.600 statements so he still got prosecuted i think now they can prosecute um and convict now

00:04:16.540 um but at the time that wasn't the case i think he just he got a fine and probation and community

00:04:22.420 service and stuff like that so um and i think for me they told me he was looking at five years

00:04:27.620 and we had two girls so you wanted him to

00:04:31.100 not that i wanted him back but i just thought for the girls

00:04:34.520 right but now looking back

00:04:36.300 that was the wrong decision i think he's gone on to have multiple abusive relationships since so

00:04:43.480 but um my girls have had nothing to do with him so

00:04:46.420 that's kind of yeah yeah my youngest one did seek him out but

00:04:50.780 he's not changed so um she no longer wants a relationship with him my oldest one remembers too much

00:04:58.600 definitely doesn't want anything to do with him at this stage but i would never

00:05:02.260 not promote that i think that's something that they would need to make a decision for at the time

00:05:06.860 i stopped them from having that relationship for their own safety and mine

00:05:10.860 um i've never stopped it in terms of if he wanted to do it

00:05:15.200 properly and down the legal route um supervised contact absolutely but he's never wanted to take that

00:05:22.360 so um it was all about control and about me so the times that he did have contact with the girls

00:05:27.860 in the early years when i left he would be screaming to at the girls for them to put me on the phone

00:05:33.900 so it was never really about the girls anyway so so yeah so that was my first one

00:05:38.520 thank you for sharing that um it's okay i'm i'm curious like how many years were you with him

00:05:47.120 before you left was it did you say seven so from the age of 18 to 28 oh wow wow that's a long time

00:05:57.460 yeah so just because i'm always just curious like when did you realize he was abusive

00:06:02.420 so it was gradual so after probably about the first eight months seven months eight months um

00:06:11.400 but it was little things can't go out didn't want me to go to work but made it made me feel like it

00:06:20.520 was i was doing something wrong all the time having male friends why have you got so many male friends

00:06:24.440 just yeah it's the isolation it was why are you wearing that that doesn't look nice on you

00:06:31.800 you don't need to wear heels today why have you got makeup on you're going to

00:06:34.360 just little things you know i'll come down in something that i want to wear

00:06:38.820 don't really look nice babe why don't you go change it

00:06:41.620 little things but then obviously

00:06:45.120 past relationships his own insecurities obviously knowing people that i had had a relationship with

00:06:54.100 previously we could be watching telly it could be anything that triggered him it didn't matter what

00:06:58.380 it was then um but physically yeah about after about seven eight months

00:07:03.860 so what what made you stay that long good question good question i don't know okay i don't know the good

00:07:15.280 times were good i think in terms of i don't have any real answer maybe i thought i loved him i thought

00:07:21.920 he loved me um always sorry he would always be sorry for the things that happened and make things up

00:07:29.980 buy things take me out say nice things to me pillow talk i guess if you like um

00:07:36.960 yeah i thought i thought in situations like that if you don't mind me just saying what i'm about to

00:07:43.660 say but it's kind of like when you've experienced such lows any high will seem like the happiest thing

00:07:49.540 on earth for you and it will make you want to stay so doesn't matter like how however long how long

00:07:55.840 they've been together how long bad stuff has been happening but if the high is high then you're you

00:08:02.260 are going to stay believe it or not it's going to take a lot of detachment it's going to take a lot of

00:08:06.320 like self-discipline for you to be like for you to kind of go this high isn't the high we want

00:08:11.360 this high is only high because the lows have been so low i disagree i disagree someone that's been a

00:08:17.920 similar situation sometimes you don't know what day the week is let alone high as a high and it's all about

00:08:22.920 picking away at you so by the end of it you've got no identity you're almost probably just his

00:08:26.920 partner and the kid's mom and these things creep up on you i mean i put up with it for i think less

00:08:32.100 than a year but and in my day you call the police it was like oh it's a domestic they've never done

00:08:36.200 anything in those days so to put up for 10 years wow i had police at my house the police would come

00:08:41.340 regular and just say oh it's a domestic and they just leave and you think hang on a minute you're

00:08:44.620 supposed to take him with you and they never did the only most you're going to get out of it

00:08:49.900 social services so back then it wasn't even that no but you didn't even get that there was nothing

00:08:54.000 then and then i mean i didn't have my son then when i did have my son and i thought that's it i'm

00:08:58.460 out of it yeah but it's like especially when things happen around his family not yours and that's

00:09:04.480 the weird thing is you fit yourself how can you have a family and they know what's going on but

00:09:09.080 they won't do anything then you realize that the whole family's scared of them yeah that's one thing

00:09:13.060 i was going to ask um was his family kind of complicit in the abuse they knew what was going

00:09:17.780 on and they just turned a blind eye or was it secret to them no they they were aware they didn't

00:09:24.340 condone it um there was one incident where his his mom did say that she's the that brought him into

00:09:31.820 the world she'll be there to take him take him out obviously but that was because it was right in

00:09:35.800 front of her um majority of the time i would spend time at his mom's um in fairness and she was

00:09:42.140 amazing and she was she's been an amazing grandmother um to the girls so they they know

00:09:49.000 their identity they know where they come from and they know his entire family the only person

00:09:52.300 that they've not had contact with is him um so that's their choice as an adult whether they want

00:09:58.860 to go back there or not um my eldest remember stuff she shared stuff with her younger sister

00:10:04.380 i've had to try and protect her younger sister from that but they are sisters they will talk

00:10:09.440 yeah i won't lie to them but i don't need to divulge anymore that it's not been said if that

00:10:15.220 makes sense so that's so how did you break it off because when i went to white breaking off how did

00:10:21.780 you actually break it off i went into a woman's refuge okay you done the midnight flip i did i had 0.51

00:10:27.340 a bag bag ready the first time i was removed by the police um they came and removed me and they

00:10:36.240 took me to my mom's but then after a few months i went back but there was a normal station order

00:10:42.860 in place it wasn't allowed in certain in the area it wasn't out back at the property but then

00:10:46.800 as time lapsed two years later i put myself back into a woman's refuge um and just left

00:10:55.340 and then i've never looked back and lived my life i had a really good judge that done an injunction out

00:11:00.600 with a clause that in order to in order to cancel the injunction we both have to be at court

00:11:05.460 oh and it's 37 years late and i don't think he realized it still stands i mean there's no trouble

00:11:10.940 now but it still stands no i didn't i didn't he wasn't allowed in the area but it was only for a

00:11:16.000 period of time um i can't i think it was about six months um maybe even a year but he breached that

00:11:22.400 anyway but um when i went back the second time i just 21st january 2010 never looked back cut my

00:11:32.020 hair changed everything about me just just fresh start amazing so yeah then the second one that

00:11:39.680 was a three-year relationship but that was wasn't really going anywhere i wasn't it was just

00:11:45.260 something for me at the time i think i had the girls it wasn't something that i was really looking

00:11:50.260 to commit to anyway but i found out he was seeing multiple women so it just kind of ended but my

00:11:56.880 last one i do love him still um but it's not worked out i'm not prepared to be a secret for any longer

00:12:03.160 um c'est la vie it is what it is we move on did you just say right it's finished no it's been a lot of

00:12:11.220 back and forth um we've just not spoke um he knows how i feel about certain things so

00:12:19.220 we've just not communicated would you say you like bad boys it seems like all of the guys you

00:12:25.980 pick seem to be bad boys what's a bad boy like non-committal multiple girls i mean

00:12:32.300 usually i wouldn't say the majority of bad boys are abusive but in her case that would probably qualify

00:12:38.200 i think sometimes we can pick partners that are possibly a reflection of how we feel about

00:12:47.800 ourselves sometimes or what we're missing um

00:12:51.080 i don't know i'm work i'm on a i'm on a journey at the moment i'm healing and i'm learning a lot

00:12:58.320 about myself and about i'm doing a lot of inner child work i'm looking at myself going back through

00:13:05.560 my history why do i pick the men that i have i do come from a broken home is it generational

00:13:12.340 is it one of those things that just my upbringings impacted that the influences around i i don't know

00:13:19.140 i'm doing a lot of work on that at the moment because i do think it does impact on our decision

00:13:24.460 making and our judgments um how we brought up our childhood i think it plays a huge part um

00:13:32.560 and how we develop just to put a smile on your face but it's a serious question still smiling

00:13:39.400 it seems as a question would you would you get together as many of you know i was just

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JustPearlyThings - June 03, 2023

Modern Women NEED To Stop THIS

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