Modern Women NEED To Stop THIS
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Words per Minute
178.65063
Summary
In this episode I speak to my good friend, who shares her experience of domestic abuse and how it almost cost her her life. She shares her story of how she was abused by her ex husband and how she managed to leave him.
Transcript
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most girls go back after they get cheated on some not all what percent how many friends do you know
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that have gotten cheated on uh um all of them no a couple but it was the situation that they had
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been in so let's say if it involved kids obviously they want to put the kids first you know i mean
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um no i know there's reasons i'm just curious yeah but i don't think i think after they've
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been cheated on once they start where i'm such a the type of person i am and the way i handle things
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obviously the people around me they've done dumb stupid things like i've done stupid things in the
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past and believe the guy i'm not judging the question but i just feel like how many how many
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friends of yours have gotten cheated on a couple so so two three yeah three three and how many stayed
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with him after he cheated um two two but they've not they're not with them anymore right but i just
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meant like when they cheated they stayed yeah they stayed with them afterwards but then they left
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that obviously yeah yeah later yeah proves my point
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i like don't even remember the original question because you haven't been down here yet no i know
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because i was thinking would you remember the question yeah it was something to do with type of
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have you separated from men or how many men have you separated yeah how many how many breakups have
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you initiated and why so my first one i left but it nearly cost me my life um my second one i
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it was i was seeing someone and he was seeing other women so that ended um and my third one i was just
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a huge secret so that ended in november so like his family and friends didn't know about you
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okay okay so you felt like you wanted something more serious and it was more casual for him
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yeah i i think so um it was four years that i was with him so if you don't mind me asking how did
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you almost lose your life in the first one uh domestic abuse physical abuse um all abuse
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yeah that's i have our counseling for it um i've got two beautiful girls um amazing girls he blessed me
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with those um certainly taught me a lesson a huge one um one that nearly cost me my life
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i don't know why i stayed i think mentally and emotionally i think abusers have a way of
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the physical disappears the mental and emotional abuse stays um
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i was so isolated from everybody and i think in terms of i only had him and his family so
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it was quite difficult and i think the good was good the bad was horrific
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i didn't for a very long time but i don't think
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i dealt with it and healed from it until years later
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um in fact it was only up until a few years ago so
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um so 13 years ago and i only really dealt with it and got support for it
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about five five years ago and dealt with it so i think it was
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i up and moved the police removed me from my home
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um it was going to go to court we did go to court
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um they said i wouldn't see him at court i did see him at court and then that's when i withdrew all my
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statements so he still got prosecuted i think now they can prosecute um and convict now
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um but at the time that wasn't the case i think he just he got a fine and probation and community
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service and stuff like that so um and i think for me they told me he was looking at five years
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not that i wanted him back but i just thought for the girls
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that was the wrong decision i think he's gone on to have multiple abusive relationships since so
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but um my girls have had nothing to do with him so
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that's kind of yeah yeah my youngest one did seek him out but
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he's not changed so um she no longer wants a relationship with him my oldest one remembers too much
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definitely doesn't want anything to do with him at this stage but i would never
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not promote that i think that's something that they would need to make a decision for at the time
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i stopped them from having that relationship for their own safety and mine
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um i've never stopped it in terms of if he wanted to do it
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properly and down the legal route um supervised contact absolutely but he's never wanted to take that
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so um it was all about control and about me so the times that he did have contact with the girls
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in the early years when i left he would be screaming to at the girls for them to put me on the phone
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so it was never really about the girls anyway so so yeah so that was my first one
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thank you for sharing that um it's okay i'm i'm curious like how many years were you with him
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before you left was it did you say seven so from the age of 18 to 28 oh wow wow that's a long time
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yeah so just because i'm always just curious like when did you realize he was abusive
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so it was gradual so after probably about the first eight months seven months eight months um
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but it was little things can't go out didn't want me to go to work but made it made me feel like it
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was i was doing something wrong all the time having male friends why have you got so many male friends
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just yeah it's the isolation it was why are you wearing that that doesn't look nice on you
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you don't need to wear heels today why have you got makeup on you're going to
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just little things you know i'll come down in something that i want to wear
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don't really look nice babe why don't you go change it
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past relationships his own insecurities obviously knowing people that i had had a relationship with
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previously we could be watching telly it could be anything that triggered him it didn't matter what
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it was then um but physically yeah about after about seven eight months
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so what what made you stay that long good question good question i don't know okay i don't know the good
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times were good i think in terms of i don't have any real answer maybe i thought i loved him i thought
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he loved me um always sorry he would always be sorry for the things that happened and make things up
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buy things take me out say nice things to me pillow talk i guess if you like um
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yeah i thought i thought in situations like that if you don't mind me just saying what i'm about to
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say but it's kind of like when you've experienced such lows any high will seem like the happiest thing
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on earth for you and it will make you want to stay so doesn't matter like how however long how long
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they've been together how long bad stuff has been happening but if the high is high then you're you
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are going to stay believe it or not it's going to take a lot of detachment it's going to take a lot of
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like self-discipline for you to be like for you to kind of go this high isn't the high we want
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this high is only high because the lows have been so low i disagree i disagree someone that's been a
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similar situation sometimes you don't know what day the week is let alone high as a high and it's all about
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picking away at you so by the end of it you've got no identity you're almost probably just his
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partner and the kid's mom and these things creep up on you i mean i put up with it for i think less
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than a year but and in my day you call the police it was like oh it's a domestic they've never done
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anything in those days so to put up for 10 years wow i had police at my house the police would come
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regular and just say oh it's a domestic and they just leave and you think hang on a minute you're
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supposed to take him with you and they never did the only most you're going to get out of it
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social services so back then it wasn't even that no but you didn't even get that there was nothing
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then and then i mean i didn't have my son then when i did have my son and i thought that's it i'm
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out of it yeah but it's like especially when things happen around his family not yours and that's
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the weird thing is you fit yourself how can you have a family and they know what's going on but
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they won't do anything then you realize that the whole family's scared of them yeah that's one thing
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i was going to ask um was his family kind of complicit in the abuse they knew what was going
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on and they just turned a blind eye or was it secret to them no they they were aware they didn't
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condone it um there was one incident where his his mom did say that she's the that brought him into
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the world she'll be there to take him take him out obviously but that was because it was right in
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front of her um majority of the time i would spend time at his mom's um in fairness and she was
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amazing and she was she's been an amazing grandmother um to the girls so they they know
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their identity they know where they come from and they know his entire family the only person
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that they've not had contact with is him um so that's their choice as an adult whether they want
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to go back there or not um my eldest remember stuff she shared stuff with her younger sister
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i've had to try and protect her younger sister from that but they are sisters they will talk
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yeah i won't lie to them but i don't need to divulge anymore that it's not been said if that
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makes sense so that's so how did you break it off because when i went to white breaking off how did
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you actually break it off i went into a woman's refuge okay you done the midnight flip i did i had
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a bag bag ready the first time i was removed by the police um they came and removed me and they
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took me to my mom's but then after a few months i went back but there was a normal station order
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in place it wasn't allowed in certain in the area it wasn't out back at the property but then
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as time lapsed two years later i put myself back into a woman's refuge um and just left
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and then i've never looked back and lived my life i had a really good judge that done an injunction out
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with a clause that in order to in order to cancel the injunction we both have to be at court
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oh and it's 37 years late and i don't think he realized it still stands i mean there's no trouble
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now but it still stands no i didn't i didn't he wasn't allowed in the area but it was only for a
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period of time um i can't i think it was about six months um maybe even a year but he breached that
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anyway but um when i went back the second time i just 21st january 2010 never looked back cut my
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hair changed everything about me just just fresh start amazing so yeah then the second one that
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was a three-year relationship but that was wasn't really going anywhere i wasn't it was just
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something for me at the time i think i had the girls it wasn't something that i was really looking
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to commit to anyway but i found out he was seeing multiple women so it just kind of ended but my
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last one i do love him still um but it's not worked out i'm not prepared to be a secret for any longer
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um c'est la vie it is what it is we move on did you just say right it's finished no it's been a lot of
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back and forth um we've just not spoke um he knows how i feel about certain things so
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we've just not communicated would you say you like bad boys it seems like all of the guys you
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pick seem to be bad boys what's a bad boy like non-committal multiple girls i mean
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usually i wouldn't say the majority of bad boys are abusive but in her case that would probably qualify
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i think sometimes we can pick partners that are possibly a reflection of how we feel about
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i don't know i'm work i'm on a i'm on a journey at the moment i'm healing and i'm learning a lot
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about myself and about i'm doing a lot of inner child work i'm looking at myself going back through
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my history why do i pick the men that i have i do come from a broken home is it generational
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is it one of those things that just my upbringings impacted that the influences around i i don't know
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i'm doing a lot of work on that at the moment because i do think it does impact on our decision
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making and our judgments um how we brought up our childhood i think it plays a huge part um
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and how we develop just to put a smile on your face but it's a serious question still smiling
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it seems as a question would you would you get together as many of you know i was just
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