JustPearlyThings - Modern Women Outsource Motherhood ｜ Pearl Daily

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00:06:59.980 So, today's topic, we are going to be talking about nannies.

00:07:05.420 So, modern women think that they can have it all. 1.00

00:07:08.940 It's an illusion and delusion that has been pushed for the last 50 years.

00:07:12.720 Women, women,

00:07:42.720 most of these women, 1.00

00:08:42.720 with nothing, but then we

00:09:13.400 But the show is purely about awareness.

00:09:16.740 Everything has its pros and cons, positives and negatives, ups and downs.

00:09:21.000 There is a downside to having nannies raise your kids, and it is not talked about enough

00:09:25.860 in modern society.

00:09:27.580 Nannies are okay as long as they aren't the primary caretaker.

00:09:30.680 The problem is if you rotate nannies in and out of a child's life, the problem is if you 0.94

00:09:38.100 rotate strangers in and out of a child's life that are the primary caretaker.

00:09:44.280 So all of these boss women that are denying their natural urge to go care for children 1.00

00:09:48.860 and focus on their career are risking harming their children by leaving them alone to be

00:09:53.140 raised by a nanny that can come and go at will and essentially is a stranger.

00:09:57.720 The harm will not be seen or felt until the child gets older.

00:10:01.500 So there is a post that talks about does having a nanny hurt the child parent bond blog post.

00:10:11.600 Okay.

00:10:12.940 Does having a nanny hurt the child parent bond?

00:10:17.920 How do I get rid of?

00:10:19.100 Hold on.

00:10:20.760 Okay.

00:10:23.360 Well, having a nanny hurt my flowering bond with my seven-month-old.

00:10:27.920 How do one-on-one caregivers impact parent attachment with babies?

00:10:33.480 Please ease my mind and broken heart.

00:10:37.800 First, so this is the ask advice column and it says sad new mom back at work.

00:10:45.840 First, I am sorry you are sad.

00:10:47.480 It's an easy situation for people to say.

00:10:50.100 Oh, don't feel sad.

00:10:51.080 Your baby is doing great.

00:10:52.280 Or, oh, you're so lucky you can afford a nanny.

00:10:54.580 You might be lucky, but your baby is probably doing great.

00:10:58.400 But it's completely normal and appropriate to be sad.

00:11:00.780 It's also normal and appropriate not to be sad.

00:11:03.140 All the feelings are normal here.

00:11:05.100 We are all muddling through.

00:11:06.380 So take a moment to acknowledge those feelings for what they are.

00:11:09.580 You're sad and it doesn't necessarily mean that you've made the wrong choice.

00:11:14.160 Second to your question, infant maternal attachment is commonly tested with something called the strange situation test.

00:11:21.360 You can read more about it here, but basically it involves bringing mothers and infants into a lab setting and seeing how the infants react to separation, stranger exposure, and reuniting with mom.

00:11:33.520 Through this test, researchers aim to measure secure attachment.

00:11:37.840 There are, of course, variations across infants and their attachment, but data doesn't suggest this is associated with the care environment.

00:11:45.440 One study from Australia actually finds more secure attachment in infants whose mothers showed more commitment to an early workforce return.

00:11:55.080 There isn't strong evidence that the attachment your child has to you will be influenced by the presence of a nanny.

00:12:00.340 Third, I want to give you a heads up about a few things that will happen so you are ready.

00:12:05.220 One is that your kid will cry when you leave them.

00:12:07.720 They're like, no, it's totally fine, but your kid is going to cry when you leave them with the nanny.

00:12:15.420 And sometimes they will cry when you come home and the nanny leaves.

00:12:19.140 That's okay.

00:12:19.640 It's normal.

00:12:20.140 It doesn't necessarily mean they hate you or they hate the nanny.

00:12:22.580 They hate transitions or their foot hurts or they were hungry.

00:12:25.720 Don't read too much into this.

00:12:27.460 Once they start talking, they will sometimes call you by the nanny's name.

00:12:30.540 This doesn't mean they don't know that you are the mom.

00:12:33.440 They are just talking fast.

00:12:35.320 The same way my mom called me my brother the wrong name a lot, it doesn't mean anything.

00:12:39.560 So that right there is cope, right?

00:12:41.400 So again, this is women trying to rationalize being bad mothers, right? 1.00

00:12:45.420 So what they do is they outsource the motherhood so they don't have to do it. 1.00

00:12:50.220 And again, I'm not saying it's the worst thing in the world, but yeah, it's really not good

00:12:58.040 when the nanny is spending more time with the kids than the mother.

00:13:02.980 So okay, I work as a full-time nanny for an infant, currently five months old.

00:13:08.500 This is one of the comments.

00:13:09.780 I am also the child's grandmother, which does alter the dynamic of the work relationship.

00:13:14.900 First, I will say parents still have opportunities to form a strong bond with their infant if

00:13:18.860 there is a full-time nanny. 0.56

00:13:20.340 There's morning, evenings, and weekend hours to spend with their little ones.

00:13:23.660 The quality of the time is very important.

00:13:25.340 If the parents are under stress from their career obligations or other situations, the parents

00:13:29.800 can turn the bonding with their little one so that one parent can handle bills or chores

00:13:35.200 and the other parent is completely relaxed while playing with and caring for the infant.

00:13:39.400 The parent can switch those roles so that each has a high-quality time with their baby.

00:13:43.860 The baby should not be left alone for long periods when the parents are caretakers.

00:13:48.320 Some parents do this thinking the child had enough bond time with the nanny and the child

00:13:52.420 is hungry for time with the parents.

00:13:54.480 An infant recognizes the difference between a nanny and a parent and the natural instinct

00:13:59.600 is to want to be with the parent.

00:14:01.340 So that said, it is inevitable that the infant will form a strong attachment with the nanny.

00:14:05.440 The nanny may spend more hours per week with the infant than the parents.

00:14:09.540 A non-competent nanny will look out for the child's well-being and may recommend approaches

00:14:14.400 to health and development.

00:14:15.940 The parents can follow up on these suggestions with research and decision-making that supports

00:14:20.480 the needs of the child.

00:14:21.360 However, the nanny may have good suggestions and it may go smoother.

00:14:24.940 The ideas should not be dismissed out of hand by the parents.

00:14:29.840 Okay.

00:14:31.160 So, here we have a YouTube video talking about if kids raised by nannies will resent their parents. 0.93

00:14:39.640 Remember, most of your TradCon influencers have nannies raising their kids. 0.82

00:14:43.980 I'm just saying.

00:14:45.240 When you see them traveling all over the country right after they had a child,

00:14:49.140 someone else is raising that kid.

00:14:52.680 Many single moms will dump the child on the grandma to raise so she can live her best life. 1.00

00:14:57.840 Yeah, I mean, why raise your kid if someone else can do it for you? 0.57

00:15:01.760 See, it's interesting.

00:15:02.840 Men, again, they want to raise the kid. 0.96

00:15:05.220 They find it fun.

00:15:06.620 They like it.

00:15:08.120 Women, on the other hand, they like the clout of the kid. 1.00

00:15:11.400 So, they like to post the kid on Instagram, but not spend too much time with it.

00:15:18.560 Where the guy is more private about the kid, but he loves spending time with the kid, right?

00:15:24.400 It's like, you know.

00:15:25.560 And her nanny to walk her down the aisle because that's how close they were.

00:15:30.540 She had both parents work bizarre hours and says that she was raised by the nanny,

00:15:34.920 but questions only if it altered her relationship to her mom, not her dad.

00:15:39.900 By prioritizing your career or yourself, are you giving your child a better life or one full of resentment?

00:15:46.840 And why have kids at all if you're just going to dump them on the nanny? 1.00

00:15:50.740 Today, let's get into the topic of raised by the nanny, what it means, and can it be a good thing? 0.81

00:16:00.340 That dad is banging the nanny.

00:16:04.840 There's no way he's not.

00:16:11.180 Big monkey on the TV, but who comes to see you tomorrow?

00:16:16.860 And it's like we tell on ourselves.

00:16:19.340 So now this TikTok, this woman's showing how much the kids like the nanny better on TikTok. 1.00

00:16:24.840 What an hour.

00:16:25.180 I'm happy this morning.

00:16:28.080 Who do you think is here?

00:16:35.140 Ideally, the presence of a nanny is a new relationship which is additive to a child's life.

00:16:40.520 Someone else to love and care for them.

00:16:43.100 But sometimes...

00:16:43.760 So you guys have to look at this from the point of view of the child.

00:16:46.440 You're bringing a stranger into their house, especially the live-in ones.

00:16:51.720 These are people the kid doesn't know in their personal space, right?

00:16:56.100 It can lead to a comparison trap.

00:16:58.940 When bundled together with time spent away from caretakers...

00:17:02.860 People only don't like being compared when the other person's better.

00:17:07.940 Do you know what I mean?

00:17:08.960 Like, men don't like being compared to a woman's exes, per se.

00:17:13.800 Unless the man's better than all of her exes.

00:17:18.120 Right?

00:17:18.620 Do you know what I mean?

00:17:19.440 So, like, a woman, she doesn't want to be compared to the nanny unless she's a better 1.00

00:17:25.240 mother than the nanny. 0.98

00:17:27.400 Then she doesn't mind so much.

00:17:29.940 The absence of nurturing qualities in those same caretakers and additional expectations

00:17:35.340 of what a relationship to your mom or dad should look like.

00:17:38.980 We might see that gratitude and happiness disappear or not show up at all.

00:17:46.780 Also, guys, if you have a question or comment, you either need to go to the audacitynetwork.com

00:17:51.340 link is in the description and sign up and put a comment into the live stream on the app

00:17:56.380 or the website, and all you do is you put Pearl Read in front of it, or you do Super Chat

00:18:00.520 and I will read your chat.

00:18:03.120 Let's start by hashing out what it means to be raised by the nanny, because we're not debating

00:18:09.020 kind of homeschool life here.

00:18:11.000 Raised by the nanny generally means that the nanny is around for longer than the typical

00:18:15.720 workday.

00:18:16.580 So, in the morning, she might be there early to help make breakfast and get the kids off

00:18:20.140 to school.

00:18:20.740 She might also be a live-in nanny. 1.00

00:18:22.280 And in the evening, she might be shuttling them to and from different...

00:18:25.800 You guys are playing with fire, bringing in these hot 22-year-old women into your house. 1.00

00:18:31.480 You are playing with fire.

00:18:34.840 Curriculars, preparing dinner, and getting them ready for a bed into PJs.

00:18:39.120 Parents might be working a demanding job or multiple jobs.

00:18:42.820 They might not be around for night shifts.

00:18:45.000 Or they might be around in tandem around the house with other kids or juggling other responsibilities.

00:18:50.500 One parent describes her situation in a help column to the Washington Post.

00:18:54.620 Last year, the work hours for my husband and I changed, and we decided that a live-in nanny

00:18:59.260 would be best for childcare.

00:19:00.700 Our nanny is a lovely girl and we enjoy having her, but over time, my kids, two and seven,

00:19:06.400 have definitely started to prefer her.

00:19:08.440 They get so excited when she walks through our door, and when they have bad dreams at night,

00:19:13.080 they go to her room instead of ours.

00:19:15.240 Part of that is because my husband and I are often gone at night.

00:19:18.680 My two-year-old has started saying, I don't want mommy, I want Ali.

00:19:23.480 I know I shouldn't take this personally.

00:19:26.100 My two-year-old spends all day with our nanny, and our seven-year-old sees her a lot, too.

00:19:30.780 But this is getting tough for me and my husband.

00:19:33.800 How can we reconnect with our kids, especially when we already spend so much time away from them?

00:19:39.140 Yeah, so this is a guy basically saying, my wife can't be a wife. 0.72

00:19:44.840 Now, I do think there's a way, right, where a man maybe just wants to protect himself, right?

00:19:52.200 There's alimony. 1.00

00:19:52.940 Like, I could see in a world where a man says, get to work, bitch. 1.00

00:19:58.940 Because, I mean, you're at so much more of a risk when the woman stays home. 0.99

00:20:02.920 You know, you're not on the hook for lifetime alimony if the woman is working. 1.00

00:20:07.880 Totally understand that.

00:20:09.140 However, usually when this happens, it's because the woman is bad at her job. 1.00

00:20:20.060 She can't do it.

00:20:21.020 She doesn't really want to do it.

00:20:21.940 She doesn't really like the kids.

00:20:24.200 Outsource.

00:20:24.760 Find someone.

00:20:25.400 And men are just pragmatic.

00:20:26.720 They're like, whatever, I'll pay someone else to do it.

00:20:28.780 The journalist responding to this article is author Megan Leahy.

00:20:32.920 Who writes parenting-related articles for The Post and is also author of the book Parenting Outside the Line.

00:20:38.300 Interestingly, she responds by reframing the question away from the comparison trap and the battle.

00:20:43.820 Again, people only don't like comparison when they're the losers, right?

00:20:49.880 Like, a Victoria's Secret, well, they cast fat Victoria's Secret models now. 0.92

00:20:54.760 But, like, the ring girl and the Jake Paul fight, do you think she compares—sorry, do you think she hates being compared to other women when she's hotter than, like, 99% of women?

00:21:09.060 She doesn't mind at all.

00:21:10.420 But, you know, I don't want to be compared to her, you know what I mean?

00:21:17.860 Because, I mean, she wins, you know?

00:21:20.580 Between parent and nanny.

00:21:21.940 By stating bluntly, though watching your child connect to another caregiver might be uncomfortable, these connections should be seen as a benefit, not a problem.

00:21:29.800 I wish more kids could have many loving people guiding them, hired or not.

00:21:35.300 She redirects the parent to ask themselves, how can we reconnect with our kids, especially when we spend so much time at work?

00:21:41.480 And she also adds, I have coached and known plenty of parents who spend all day and night with their children,

00:21:47.740 and yet these parents are emotionally distant, discontent, and poorly attached to their children.

00:21:53.380 The fact is, nannies are professional caretakers.

00:21:56.700 Because this is their primary job, let's just put it out there, they might be really good at it.

00:22:01.700 It's not their first rodeo.

00:22:03.360 They might be more adept at setting boundaries, finding engaging activities for the child, and otherwise emotionally connecting to this small person.

00:22:11.820 They're also paid to spend that many hours one-on-one, face-to-face with the child.

00:22:16.380 And that combines with selection.

00:22:18.580 What happened to mothers being, like, a thankless job? 1.00

00:22:21.740 Do you know what I mean? What happened to it?

00:22:26.120 It's just crazy how we think of women as the nurturing gender, but women don't want to raise their own kids. 1.00

00:22:33.040 They're like, throw this, throw this, you know, they're throwing these kids in daycare, like, six months after they're born.

00:22:38.900 It's a billion-dollar industry. B, with a B.

00:22:42.340 And survivorship bias, where the people who choose to be nannies might naturally be more maternal or more excited about caregiving for children.

00:22:50.420 Assuming we have a loving and present nanny, what's the problem? 0.95

00:22:54.720 It appears to stem from how the child interprets the presence of this alternate caretaker.

00:22:59.660 And the word interprets is very important here because, like all things in life, it's not about what happens to you, but how you find meaning in that event.

00:23:08.520 When the parents are away from home a lot, does the child say, my parents are working really hard to provide for us, or does the child say, my parents are not prioritizing me, or they're prioritizing their careers over me?

00:23:22.580 Same situation, but very different interpretations.

00:23:25.540 So what is it? Is it self-sacrifice or is it selfishness? And can we influence that narrative?

00:23:32.000 When you work for me, you leave when I say you can leave.

00:23:35.700 For your information, I do not work for you. I am employed by your mother. 0.91

00:23:39.700 Oh, yeah? Take a look around. Do you see her anywhere?

00:23:45.060 News ball-like.

00:23:48.040 You're not gonna. Unless you make an appointment with her assistant or hang around her bedroom door at three o'clock in the morning.

00:23:55.320 In the meantime, you're working for me.

00:23:59.140 Oh, is that so?

00:24:02.560 Uh-huh.

00:24:04.000 News flash, Mussolini.

00:24:08.660 I quit!

00:24:11.040 Swinging door.

00:24:13.220 There is no randomized control trial for this, but we have certain sociological labs and storytelling advocates underscoring the importance of not letting kids decide which way to interpret these kinds of statements.

00:24:26.620 These nudges look like micro-changes.

00:24:29.400 So, for example, instead of, I have to do something really important, I can't go to your soccer game, you know I'm so busy.

00:24:35.600 Reframing.

00:24:36.120 Starting off by that point of connection, I'm so sad, I can't come to your soccer game.

00:24:41.380 It's really important to you.

00:24:42.980 How can we make it up?

00:24:44.260 Yeah, like the kid is gonna know the difference.

00:24:48.100 Do you know what I mean?

00:24:48.800 Like, the six-year-old is, okay.

00:24:53.520 Next weekend.

00:24:54.380 There are a couple of points embedded in this single suggestion.

00:24:58.340 It's very easy to get defensive, especially when you're working very long hours, but that point of connecting to the child is super important here.

00:25:05.060 And the second point is carving out an alternate space where you can make that commitment and not go back on it.

00:25:11.140 And it just comes down to having space and time for those conversations to happen so you can unwind what is a child thinking about?

00:25:19.400 How can I shape their interpretation or maybe give them some pointers if they are not seeing what I'm seeing?

00:25:25.280 I'm one of six kids.

00:25:26.500 My mom's a full-time ER nurse.

00:25:27.920 My, you know, both of my parents work full-time jobs.

00:25:30.240 So I feel like they sacrificed a lot, I sacrificed a lot, I do a lot of it for...

00:25:34.940 Yeah, because a lot of, sometimes you hear the stories of child stars and what happens, but it sounds like the grounding of your mom and dad.

00:25:41.340 Yeah, that was never me.

00:25:42.200 Immigrant parents, like, they're so used to work hard, work hard, work hard. 1.00

00:25:45.860 It's not a work smart type of thing.

00:25:47.540 Mm-hmm.

00:25:47.880 It's, they're more like, matanos en el trabajo.

00:25:50.620 Yeah.

00:25:51.140 But I'm like, I'm not trying to matarme en el trabajo.

00:25:53.420 Yeah.

00:25:53.700 I'm not trying to make money and work less.

00:25:55.780 That's how she started her OnlyFans. 0.99

00:25:57.720 I don't know if she actually did, guys.

00:26:02.200 I grew up watching my mom work a lot.

00:26:04.860 Watching her struggle made me want to move a different route. 0.92

00:26:09.220 Like, okay, you know what?

00:26:10.120 I don't want to do that.

00:26:10.940 I don't want to leave my kids to grow up, you know, raising themselves.

00:26:13.900 Being a nanny is a very intimate job, and some people argue that it has to be intimate because if the child knows that it is just hired help, they may act out and refuse discipline.

00:26:23.460 Many nannies say they don't worry about replacing the parents because they say the kids know who their parents are.

00:26:30.040 So if the kids aren't confused, let's talk about expectations.

00:26:33.880 What are they expecting of their real parents?

00:26:36.420 And clearly, whether or not that's societally ingrained, there are different expectations of mothers versus fathers.

00:26:43.540 One thing to observe about these posts is that the recollection from the kids is asking for very specific things.

00:26:49.580 Kids are not asking for their parents to sit next to them for eight hours a day.

00:26:53.700 Even kids as young as two or 18 months old will wander away from the parent to have all the fun they want and then look back to see if the parent is there and come back to their home base.

00:27:03.900 Reading through the experiences of people who say they were raised by the nanny, they didn't have that home base in their parents.

00:27:10.860 So for the nanny issue to really be a problem, there needs to be two things.

00:27:15.560 One is the theme of the parents not having time, and more importantly, the child not connecting to the parent in the way that they desire, which creates a wall.

00:27:25.460 And the second piece is likely so much more important because there are plenty of stay-at-home parents or parents with more flexible schedules that also struggle to connect with their child.

00:27:35.560 To be honest, it's also a huge personality issue.

00:27:38.800 The fact is, anyone can become a parent, and we know that in the real world, there are a ton of people and a lot of partners even who are not great listeners, and it's hard to connect to those people.

00:27:49.420 So when it comes to children, there has to be an added effort of meeting them where they are at because it is worth this investment, not necessarily for retirement, but so that you have a good relationship with your kids as they're growing up and maybe even grandchildren.

00:28:03.900 Back to the mom part, is there a difference between a job that the nanny does and that of the mother?

00:28:09.180 For her Columbia University master's fee...

00:28:11.320 Nope, it's outsourced motherhood. 1.00

00:28:14.520 Graduate student Courtney Scott interviewed career nannies in the New York City area.

00:28:18.620 She writes,

00:28:19.260 I came to understand early in the conceptual phase of the project that the work of nannying could not be separated from mothering.

00:28:25.820 When asked to state the difference between the work of nannying and mothering, most interviewees, many of them mothers themselves, stated that there was no difference.

00:28:34.300 She also writes a shattering thought.

00:28:36.060 Is a nanny a mother, and can she occupy this role without displacing another mother? 0.99

00:28:41.020 Later in her discourse, she quotes from Andrea O'Reilly's Toni Morrison and Motherhood, A Politics of the Heart.

00:28:47.500 Morrison defies maternal identity as a site of power for black women that has its... 1.00

00:28:52.540 Only black women get the motherhood identity? 1.00

00:28:57.020 ...explicit goal for the empowerment of children. 0.65

00:28:59.180 All right.

00:28:59.820 And that's very interesting when you juxtapose those two statements.

00:29:03.020 Is a nanny a mother? 1.00

00:29:04.220 A mother is about empowering.

00:29:05.660 It becomes apparent that the question of is a nanny a mother is one for the ego.

00:29:11.660 In the same category of who do you love more, mom or dad?

00:29:15.260 Or will you miss me when I'm gone?

00:29:17.580 It's a question for the ego because either she is not, and I win, or she is, and I deflate.

00:29:24.380 But if you add that angle of child empowerment, the more fruitful and loving relationships a parent can

00:29:31.100 provide for a child, the more secure and confident that child will be.

00:29:35.180 So the question...

00:29:36.140 Yeah, I mean, but there's a difference between a babysitter and a living nanny, right?

00:29:42.380 Or an aunt or whatever.

00:29:45.420 And we're going to get to some examples of nannying going wrong. 1.00

00:29:50.140 You guys don't understand that you can get a whole different ideology into your children

00:29:57.500 if you put the wrong adult by your kids, right?

00:30:01.180 So if you're a conservative and you have this blue haired feminist kid, 1.00

00:30:05.580 it's very possible that someone you put in the kid's life did that.

00:30:09.580 Is a nanny a mother ultimately never needs to be asked and never needs to be answered.

00:30:15.260 We are a collective of adults aimed at empowering children,

00:30:19.340 and the primary responsibility for that empowerment is on the parents.

00:30:23.500 The caveat to add here is that because the role of nanny and mother are so intertwined,

00:30:29.260 the comparison trap is much closer for moms than it is for dads.

00:30:32.940 If children are feeling separation, they are more likely to feel it from the mom.

00:30:36.940 Because of the presence of the nanny and because they would expect those same nurturing qualities 0.99

00:30:41.500 from their mother, making it much easier to construct the image of what I wish my mother did for me,

00:30:46.940 as opposed to a male figure who would be the parallel for a father.

00:30:50.620 Ultimately, is it about learning the child's love language, communication language?

00:30:55.500 More broadly, it comes down to listening and intentional spaces.

00:30:59.260 Yeah, okay. So next, we got a woman writes that she regrets farming out raising her daughter to a nanny.

00:31:12.140 Nannying equals farming out your child. Is it a big mistake?

00:31:16.700 Hi. I wanted some views.

00:31:19.980 When I was in my 30s, I was in London and a good job, and so when I gave birth,

00:31:23.900 it seemed like the right thing to get a nanny to look after my daughter. 1.00

00:31:27.420 Everyone did it, and it didn't seem weird.

00:31:29.660 Now, 17 years later, having talked to my daughter about it, I feel like it's the biggest mistake ever made.

00:31:35.740 She was so traumatized by not having me around and couldn't tell me as she was so young and didn't want to upset her mommy.

00:31:43.420 After two and a half years of using a nanny, I felt it was wrong, so I did give up my job,

00:31:48.460 and we moved somewhere quieter and cheaper so I could be home more with her.

00:31:52.140 But the damage was done.

00:31:53.580 She had a very, very difficult teenage phase, and we got on incredibly badly,

00:31:57.820 and now is able to say it tracks back to because she felt unwanted and unhappy when she was younger.

00:32:04.540 She's now raised this a number of times with me, doctors, and mental health professionals,

00:32:08.860 and I'm quite devastated by it on a personal level as her dad and I worked hard to try to give her a

00:32:13.980 good, loving, stable family home with everything she wanted, and she always seemed happy.

00:32:19.820 I've told her I regret it, but I did change everything for her, and the only way to put it right was by not

00:32:26.620 doing this for her own children and learning from it. I was just wondering if anyone had a similar

00:32:31.980 experience, and what would you advise?

00:32:40.860 Wait here, let's see. Some children don't do well being cared for by others. If your daughter was 0.71

00:32:45.500 ill-treated in any way, it could be imprinted in her memory. Ideally, kids would get along with a

00:32:50.780 loving, nurturing mother, especially when so young. That's another thing. Adopted kids have attachment

00:32:57.420 problems. I lived with this family for a summer, and they had brothers that were adopted, and one

00:33:05.180 was a year and a half old, and one was four. The older one just had a lot of issues. Even though he

00:33:13.580 barely remembered before they got him, the younger brother was perfect. He was very well-liked and

00:33:24.860 respected in the church, but the older one, yeah, he was kind of messed up.

00:33:33.740 Okay, let's see.

00:33:38.620 It was a fairly massive omission, not to mention her ADD and dyslexia. Previously,

00:33:44.540 she's obviously a complex personality and has a lot going on with the response from doctors and 0.99

00:33:50.060 MS professionals when she blames all her problems on being cared for by a nanny when she was younger.

00:33:54.700 I would take her statements about her friend's mother's feeling sad for her with a pinch of salt.

00:33:59.340 Do you know any of these parents to speak to? It'd be interesting to find out exactly

00:34:03.820 how she is presenting this experience to them. Okay, I do think this kid's overreacting a little

00:34:11.420 bit. Two and a half years, that's it. I'm just saying, this could have been your whole life,

00:34:16.700 you know. Okay, let's see what's next. All right. Will the baby prefer a nanny over me? Yep.

00:34:26.220 She does a better job than you. She will. He will. All right. Will my baby prefer the nanny over me?

00:34:33.660 Working parents have a lot to consider when it comes to leaving their child in the care of a nanny.

00:34:38.060 Will the nanny be safe? Will the nanny respect our child-rearing values? How much is this going to cost us?

00:34:45.980 But most aren't prepared for a surprisingly common concern with regard to the nanny.

00:34:50.540 Will the baby prefer their nanny to them? Parents are usually somewhat prepared for

00:34:55.740 the feelings of anxiety and guilt that can accompany them returning to work

00:35:00.220 after having a baby, especially first-time mothers. But most are not expected to be jealous

00:35:07.660 of the person they've employed to be their child's caregiver. Moreover, the working woman is supposed to 0.99

00:35:13.260 be enjoying the best of both worlds, right? Maybe, but some women still find themselves battling the 1.00

00:35:19.020 green-eyed monster when it comes to their nannies. If you're one of them, take comfort in the famine as

00:35:23.740 women join the workforce in record numbers. If you're having trouble coming to terms with your nanny's 0.99

00:35:29.580 special relationship with your baby, it helps to consider the process by which children form

00:35:34.380 emotional attachment. Babies enter this world with a strong instinct to bond with others since

00:35:39.660 it's critical to their survival. The bonding process begins immediately after birth and babies soon

00:35:45.180 recognize a caregiver's touch, smell, voice, appearance, and mannerisms. For parents, bonding with the baby

00:35:52.220 occurs naturally in the earliest days of life as they comfort and care for their infants and this bond

00:35:57.820 continues to strengthen with the passing of time. So what happens when a nanny enters the mix? Will the 0.99

00:36:03.180 nanny bond with the, will the baby bond with the nanny too? And if so, will the bond grow so that the baby

00:36:09.980 comes to prefer the nanny? The same sort of bonding process does occur when a child is left in the care of

00:36:17.660 a nanny. Somewhat more slowly and usually on a more superficial level. Remember that your nanny spends

00:36:25.900 a good portion if not all of their day with the kids so it is natural that they form a strong alliance.

00:36:33.100 And although some babies may traditionally have formed such a bond with only one person,

00:36:38.220 it's possible for babies to form a bond with multiple people including the nanny. In fact,

00:36:43.420 some researchers believe that babies who form strong attachments to more than one person may

00:36:48.860 benefit in terms of social development later in life. While a strong bond between a nanny and a 0.99

00:36:55.660 baby can be a beautiful thing, problems arise when a baby begins to show a preference for the nanny over

00:37:01.500 his or her parents. Imagine coming home from a long day from your child only to find that he or she cries

00:37:07.740 at the sight of you or refuses to let go of the nanny. Or worse, imagine hearing the baby call the

00:37:12.780 nanny mommy or daddy right in front of you. These can be sad and frustrating experiences for the

00:37:20.220 parents, but not frustrating enough, I guess, for the mom to do her job. It's natural to feel sad and

00:37:27.740 perhaps a little angry about this, but you should avoid acting on these emotions instead. There are

00:37:33.180 things you can do to reconnect with your child and create harmony between you and the child's caregiver.

00:37:38.140 First, keep in mind having a nanny that is loving and lovable enough to elicit such a response from

00:37:44.380 your child is a wonderful thing and it would certainly be worse to face the opposite situation

00:37:50.220 in which your child files into fits of panic at the sights of the nanny. Also remember that the babies can

00:37:57.900 be fickle, stuck like glue to someone one minute only to completely be nonchalant about their absence

00:38:04.620 next. And consider that while your baby may cry briefly when the nanny leaves, he or she also

00:38:09.820 cried for you at your departure. Furthermore, bear in mind that the evening hours can be among the

00:38:17.340 most difficult for infants and child children. This is usually the time of day where they're tired and

00:38:22.300 can be cranky and less tolerant to changes in their routine. Nanny versus parents, how everyone can win

00:38:29.740 the battle for the baby's heart by the mom doing her job.

00:38:38.860 She won't though. She won't. I promise to God she won't. There's going to be something more fun

00:38:42.860 and cool and exciting than hanging out with these kids. This idea that the women just love being mothers 1.00

00:38:48.380 is the biggest cope, right? Because society says, you know, women are natural nurturers, right? 1.00

00:38:57.180 And the women, they're like, but you know, women, here's a choice to kill your kids. And the women 1.00

00:39:01.260 are like, we got to kill them. We got to. Abortion. We're going to march for this. Okay. And then they're 1.00

00:39:06.380 like, okay, well, I guess it's not a life. Um, I guess. Okay, sure. Okay, sure. Ladies. And then

00:39:14.380 they're like, okay, but you know, you guys can work and save money. So in your twenties,

00:39:18.940 you could save money for your kids, you know? And, um, then in your thirties, you can have a kid and

00:39:24.540 then you have money for the kid, right? And you can stay home. And the women are like, nah, I'd rather 1.00

00:39:29.020 just get Botox and, um, liposuction and boob jobs and clothes and go to events and travel.

00:39:37.660 And I would rather do that instead of saving money to have a kid, right? Um, and I'd actually,

00:39:43.460 when I have the kid, I do want to work and I want someone else to do the job, but I want the cloud of

00:39:49.240 the kid. So I definitely want, but it's like, you can have every shred of evidence that a woman doesn't 1.00

00:39:54.360 want to be a mother, but still society will say that we're like dying to be mothers.

00:40:00.500 I don't think so. I really don't. I think women like the control a kid gives over like 1.00

00:40:06.640 society and a man and like the attention they get from the kid. But I don't know if the moms really 0.99

00:40:12.420 like love their kids. You know, like a dad can have a kid that hates him and he still loves the kid.

00:40:19.180 But the mom, if the kid doesn't like, you get those overbearing mothers where they're like, 1.00

00:40:23.280 be a doctor, be a lawyer. And if the kid doesn't do exactly what the mom wants, it's like you,

00:40:28.660 you have hell on earth to pay. If you're having a hard time shaking off the feeling of jealousy

00:40:34.120 or resentment over your nanny's special bond with your baby, it's time to address the problem and be

00:40:38.440 a mom, right? We're going back to the answer. Quit your job, stay home, be a mom. Now, you know,

00:40:46.660 there's real situations like poverty, right? But we're not talking about those situations.

00:40:55.000 We're talking about the situations where the mom wants a three bedroom house instead of a two

00:41:00.300 bedroom apartment, right? The kid's going to be happier in the small house with the mom there.

00:41:05.440 But, you know, then Tracy sees Diane lives in the suburbs with a 10, you know, bedroom apart or house 1.00

00:41:15.040 or, you know, in the city and she's going to these events and yada yada. Anyways, keep in mind that most

00:41:21.240 nannies are trying hard to bond with children in their care. If they fail at this, chances are they

00:41:26.340 won't remain employed for long and they don't want to displease the parents. On the contrary, they're very

00:41:31.840 interested in pleasing them. For that reason, it might be a good idea to talk to your nanny about

00:41:35.340 the problem. Start by saying you're thrilled that the bond she has with the baby and you're happy

00:41:39.660 that she, you know, you're happy with her work, but you're fired and I'm going to be a mom now.

00:41:45.220 That's how it should go, right? That's how it could go, you know, but no. Then explain that you feel a

00:41:51.280 little left out and would appreciate her helping strengthening the baby bond, right? So now this is

00:41:56.440 another cope because they're trying to get the nanny to do the work of bonding with the baby. 1.00

00:42:00.640 But instead, they're like, can you do it for me? Can you make the baby like me?

00:42:06.840 And kids are pretty like, if a kid doesn't like you, kids love everybody. You know, if a kid doesn't

00:42:13.340 like you, something's wrong. Perhaps she can teach your child's favorite lullaby or some sort of

00:42:19.440 soothing techniques only good nannies know. If your child shows a preference for the nanny more than just

00:42:25.160 occasionally, it may be time to reestablish your connection with your little one. Maybe focus on your

00:42:30.020 child interacting with him or her in a relaxed, comfortable setting. You may need to sing, dance,

00:42:35.080 or act goofy as your work, as you work your way back into your child's heart, but he or she will

00:42:42.660 eventually fall under your spell. Infant massage, increased breastfeeding, or other forms of skin

00:42:48.740 skin-to-skin contact. If your baby continues to show preference for the nanny, again, it may be

00:42:54.820 helpful to go home. They're not going to do that, though. Get a work-from-home job, right?

00:43:01.920 For example, if there's a competition between the mom and the female nanny, switching to a male nanny 0.54

00:43:07.440 may be a solution. God, they just do everything to make these moms feel like they're not bad moms. 1.00

00:43:14.200 They're like, okay, we're going to get a male nanny. Male nannies, also called nannies, tend to be 0.99

00:43:19.440 very fun and energetic caregivers. They also may be less likely to displace mom in the baby's eyes.

00:43:27.820 It's important to keep in mind that although feelings of jealousy towards your nanny may crop

00:43:32.400 from time to time, this will be short-lived. Most parents whose babies love their nannies

00:43:37.380 soon realize that the nanny-baby-strong bond is essential to the well-being of their child.

00:43:43.420 Remember that parents usually go to straight, great lengths to find a nanny that is warm,

00:43:48.160 loving, patient, and fun. What baby wouldn't want to fall in love with such a person? And when your

00:43:53.540 baby does, you can pat yourself on the back for providing for your child a good caregiver. Until

00:44:00.200 the caregiver goes to college and leaves and your kid is devastated. That's usually how it goes.

00:44:07.120 Okay. Here is a TikTok of a woman talking about her experience being raised by nannies. 0.87

00:44:16.940 I'm Mia from LA. Please like and subscribe. Growing up, it was just me and my mom, who

00:44:23.900 was a famous photographer working for big brands and celebrities. So you'd think, with the

00:44:28.680 photographer parent, I'd have a beautifully documented childhood. Well, you'd be wrong.

00:44:33.520 I hardly had any pictures because mom was always too busy, and I was raised by nannies. Sure,

00:44:39.080 mom gave me everything, but she couldn't make much time for me. She did try by setting up her studio at home,

00:44:44.760 but once when she was in a meeting, I slipped into her darkroom and switched on the lights,

00:44:49.000 and all her photos were destroyed. That nanny was fired, and mom relocated her studio,

00:44:54.280 and then she hired a lady named Susan, who was the coolest. Susan could play hide and seek with me 1.00

00:44:59.260 for hours. She'd always let me do her makeup, and she even taught me how to slide down our main

00:45:04.080 staircase. She'd pitch up a tent in our backyard, and then tell me stories around a fire. And what a

00:45:09.680 storyteller she was, she'd just make up magical tales in the moment, and I was hooked. What are

00:45:15.580 you thinking, you lily-livered, yellow-bellied scallywag? I was thinking, you should be my mom. 1.00

00:45:21.040 Susan laughed it off, but I was kind of serious. She even gifted me my first notebook when I turned

00:45:26.500 eight, because she knew I loved writing stories, and that meant more to me than any of the presents

00:45:31.400 mom had sent. Yeah, she couldn't make it to my birthday. Once when I was nine, Susan had taken the day 0.95

00:45:36.480 off, and I ended up being stuck with mom at a photo shoot at some historical building.

00:45:41.300 Mom, I'm bored. Read your book, Mia. But I'm also hungry and sleepy. Think of something fun to do

00:45:48.140 for a little longer, okay? Okay. But you better come find me soon. Yeah, soon. So I skipped off to find

00:45:54.080 an amazing hiding place. I thought it was clear to mom that we were playing hide and seek. As I waited

00:45:59.060 for her in my spot, I dozed off, and when I woke up, it was kind of dark. I tried to find my way back

00:46:04.300 to mom's shoot, but I was totally lost. Luckily, a security guard found me and took me to the

00:46:09.020 nearest police station, and the only number I knew by heart was Susan's. Sometime later,

00:46:13.560 both mom and Susan came running in, and I jumped straight into Susan's arm. 1.00

00:46:18.220 What an L. Can you imagine? Your kid's running, and she, like, runs past you to the nanny. 0.93

00:46:25.120 Sweetie, you really scared your mom. Give her a hug. But I was so mad at her because she didn't

00:46:30.540 come looking for me. Susan would have never let that happen. Soon after, in fifth grade,

00:46:35.160 I came home from school one day to find a girl my age in the kitchen eating my cereal. 0.98

00:46:39.800 Who are you, and why are you here? And who eats cereal for lunch? I eat what I want when I want.

00:46:44.120 You're not my boss. Now, shoot. I was about to smack that thief in the face when Susan walked in, 1.00

00:46:48.940 and she introduced the girl as Harper, her daughter. I didn't even know Susan had one, 0.96

00:46:53.520 and I felt a pang of jealousy. Your mom has to travel out of town more often,

00:46:57.260 so she's requested that I live here now. And I'm moving in with Harper. Isn't that great?

00:47:01.580 I'm sure you two will get along wonderfully. I was certain that we would not. She was a nuisance. 0.99

00:47:06.920 She threw away all my markers caps so they dried out, spilled juice all over my bed to make it look

00:47:11.660 like pee, and gave my favorite shoes to a stray dog. But I only had to scream, and Susan would tell 0.82

00:47:17.220 her off. Harper would tag along with us everywhere, and she'd glare at me and make comments under her 1.00

00:47:22.080 breath when Susan was out of earshot. If you don't stop annoying me, I'll tell Susan. 0.84

00:47:26.120 I wanted to know what happened. But yeah, so again, you got a couple issues here. When it comes

00:47:35.320 to nannies, I'm going to give my final thoughts. You got a couple issues, okay? If you get a good

00:47:42.000 nanny, right, the challenge you have is the kid becomes attached to the nanny, and the nanny goes.

00:47:49.040 So you fall in love, you're like super close to these nannies, right? They're like your best

00:47:56.340 friends. And then you're like, where did they go? And then you just never see them again,

00:48:00.680 because they go to college, they go whatever. And then it's like a recycle thing. Or you get a bad

00:48:07.340 nanny, and the child is tortured if the kid doesn't like the nanny. Imagine you have to go home and see

00:48:12.820 someone that you are not related to that you don't like, and is there indefinitely. Those are

00:48:19.760 the challenges you got with nannies. Now, I don't think they're the worst thing in the world if

00:48:24.620 they're not the kid's primary caretaker. But the thing is, the day-to-day boring tasks are really

00:48:31.580 what matters to a kid, right? It's like, who's picking up the kid from school? Who's eating dinner

00:48:38.160 with the kid? Who's going to the sports games, right? That's the stuff that matters. It's not

00:48:42.400 like the big events or like a trip once a year, right? It's the small things day-to-day.

00:48:50.060 And I think a lot of moms are going to realize they kind of miss most of their kid's childhood.

00:48:56.260 Okay, guys, that's all I got on nannies. So what we're going to do is we're only going to go be live

00:49:02.100 on the website, and we are going to have a smart, intelligent man give a presentation on if

00:49:07.660 government work is for you. He has done very well in his career, and so you can learn a lot

00:49:14.360 about this. We're going to keep live streaming on the website. And yeah, so we're going to end on

00:49:20.960 YouTube. Like the video on your way out. Sign up to theaudacitynetwork.com. And we are going to raise

00:49:25.920 the prices of memberships, I believe, on the 15th of May. I know I said that last month, but we

00:49:34.200 actually have a plan of getting the thing implemented. So like the video, subscribe,

00:49:38.620 and I will see you guys on theaudacitynetwork.com. We're on both app stores. I'll see you there.

00:49:43.120 Bye-bye.

00:49:46.740 Okay, do you want to do the Zoom link?

00:50:04.200 Bye-bye.

00:50:34.200 Bye-bye.

00:50:34.740 Bye-bye.

00:51:04.200 Bye-bye.

00:51:05.200 Bye-bye.

00:51:11.480 Bye-bye.

00:51:12.860 Bye-bye.

00:51:15.020 Bye-bye.

00:51:27.980 Bye-bye.

JustPearlyThings - April 08, 2025

Modern Women Outsource Motherhood ｜ Pearl Daily

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