Modern Women Outsource Motherhood ｜ Pearl Daily
Episode Stats
Words per Minute
142.71469
Summary
In this episode, we talk about the pros and cons of having a nanny in your child's life. Is it better than having a full-time nanny? Is it worse? What are the risks and benefits of nannies?
Transcript
00:06:59.980
So, today's topic, we are going to be talking about nannies.
00:07:05.420
So, modern women think that they can have it all.
00:07:08.940
It's an illusion and delusion that has been pushed for the last 50 years.
00:09:16.740
Everything has its pros and cons, positives and negatives, ups and downs.
00:09:21.000
There is a downside to having nannies raise your kids, and it is not talked about enough
00:09:27.580
Nannies are okay as long as they aren't the primary caretaker.
00:09:30.680
The problem is if you rotate nannies in and out of a child's life, the problem is if you
00:09:38.100
rotate strangers in and out of a child's life that are the primary caretaker.
00:09:44.280
So all of these boss women that are denying their natural urge to go care for children
00:09:48.860
and focus on their career are risking harming their children by leaving them alone to be
00:09:53.140
raised by a nanny that can come and go at will and essentially is a stranger.
00:09:57.720
The harm will not be seen or felt until the child gets older.
00:10:01.500
So there is a post that talks about does having a nanny hurt the child parent bond blog post.
00:10:12.940
Does having a nanny hurt the child parent bond?
00:10:23.360
Well, having a nanny hurt my flowering bond with my seven-month-old.
00:10:27.920
How do one-on-one caregivers impact parent attachment with babies?
00:10:37.800
First, so this is the ask advice column and it says sad new mom back at work.
00:10:52.280
Or, oh, you're so lucky you can afford a nanny.
00:10:54.580
You might be lucky, but your baby is probably doing great.
00:10:58.400
But it's completely normal and appropriate to be sad.
00:11:00.780
It's also normal and appropriate not to be sad.
00:11:06.380
So take a moment to acknowledge those feelings for what they are.
00:11:09.580
You're sad and it doesn't necessarily mean that you've made the wrong choice.
00:11:14.160
Second to your question, infant maternal attachment is commonly tested with something called the strange situation test.
00:11:21.360
You can read more about it here, but basically it involves bringing mothers and infants into a lab setting and seeing how the infants react to separation, stranger exposure, and reuniting with mom.
00:11:33.520
Through this test, researchers aim to measure secure attachment.
00:11:37.840
There are, of course, variations across infants and their attachment, but data doesn't suggest this is associated with the care environment.
00:11:45.440
One study from Australia actually finds more secure attachment in infants whose mothers showed more commitment to an early workforce return.
00:11:55.080
There isn't strong evidence that the attachment your child has to you will be influenced by the presence of a nanny.
00:12:00.340
Third, I want to give you a heads up about a few things that will happen so you are ready.
00:12:05.220
One is that your kid will cry when you leave them.
00:12:07.720
They're like, no, it's totally fine, but your kid is going to cry when you leave them with the nanny.
00:12:15.420
And sometimes they will cry when you come home and the nanny leaves.
00:12:20.140
It doesn't necessarily mean they hate you or they hate the nanny.
00:12:22.580
They hate transitions or their foot hurts or they were hungry.
00:12:27.460
Once they start talking, they will sometimes call you by the nanny's name.
00:12:30.540
This doesn't mean they don't know that you are the mom.
00:12:35.320
The same way my mom called me my brother the wrong name a lot, it doesn't mean anything.
00:12:41.400
So again, this is women trying to rationalize being bad mothers, right?
00:12:45.420
So what they do is they outsource the motherhood so they don't have to do it.
00:12:50.220
And again, I'm not saying it's the worst thing in the world, but yeah, it's really not good
00:12:58.040
when the nanny is spending more time with the kids than the mother.
00:13:02.980
So okay, I work as a full-time nanny for an infant, currently five months old.
00:13:09.780
I am also the child's grandmother, which does alter the dynamic of the work relationship.
00:13:14.900
First, I will say parents still have opportunities to form a strong bond with their infant if
00:13:20.340
There's morning, evenings, and weekend hours to spend with their little ones.
00:13:25.340
If the parents are under stress from their career obligations or other situations, the parents
00:13:29.800
can turn the bonding with their little one so that one parent can handle bills or chores
00:13:35.200
and the other parent is completely relaxed while playing with and caring for the infant.
00:13:39.400
The parent can switch those roles so that each has a high-quality time with their baby.
00:13:43.860
The baby should not be left alone for long periods when the parents are caretakers.
00:13:48.320
Some parents do this thinking the child had enough bond time with the nanny and the child
00:13:54.480
An infant recognizes the difference between a nanny and a parent and the natural instinct
00:14:01.340
So that said, it is inevitable that the infant will form a strong attachment with the nanny.
00:14:05.440
The nanny may spend more hours per week with the infant than the parents.
00:14:09.540
A non-competent nanny will look out for the child's well-being and may recommend approaches
00:14:15.940
The parents can follow up on these suggestions with research and decision-making that supports
00:14:21.360
However, the nanny may have good suggestions and it may go smoother.
00:14:24.940
The ideas should not be dismissed out of hand by the parents.
00:14:31.160
So, here we have a YouTube video talking about if kids raised by nannies will resent their parents.
00:14:39.640
Remember, most of your TradCon influencers have nannies raising their kids.
00:14:45.240
When you see them traveling all over the country right after they had a child,
00:14:52.680
Many single moms will dump the child on the grandma to raise so she can live her best life.
00:14:57.840
Yeah, I mean, why raise your kid if someone else can do it for you?
00:15:08.120
Women, on the other hand, they like the clout of the kid.
00:15:11.400
So, they like to post the kid on Instagram, but not spend too much time with it.
00:15:18.560
Where the guy is more private about the kid, but he loves spending time with the kid, right?
00:15:25.560
And her nanny to walk her down the aisle because that's how close they were.
00:15:30.540
She had both parents work bizarre hours and says that she was raised by the nanny,
00:15:34.920
but questions only if it altered her relationship to her mom, not her dad.
00:15:39.900
By prioritizing your career or yourself, are you giving your child a better life or one full of resentment?
00:15:46.840
And why have kids at all if you're just going to dump them on the nanny?
00:15:50.740
Today, let's get into the topic of raised by the nanny, what it means, and can it be a good thing?
00:16:11.180
Big monkey on the TV, but who comes to see you tomorrow?
00:16:19.340
So now this TikTok, this woman's showing how much the kids like the nanny better on TikTok.
00:16:35.140
Ideally, the presence of a nanny is a new relationship which is additive to a child's life.
00:16:43.760
So you guys have to look at this from the point of view of the child.
00:16:46.440
You're bringing a stranger into their house, especially the live-in ones.
00:16:51.720
These are people the kid doesn't know in their personal space, right?
00:16:58.940
When bundled together with time spent away from caretakers...
00:17:02.860
People only don't like being compared when the other person's better.
00:17:08.960
Like, men don't like being compared to a woman's exes, per se.
00:17:19.440
So, like, a woman, she doesn't want to be compared to the nanny unless she's a better
00:17:29.940
The absence of nurturing qualities in those same caretakers and additional expectations
00:17:35.340
of what a relationship to your mom or dad should look like.
00:17:38.980
We might see that gratitude and happiness disappear or not show up at all.
00:17:46.780
Also, guys, if you have a question or comment, you either need to go to the audacitynetwork.com
00:17:51.340
link is in the description and sign up and put a comment into the live stream on the app
00:17:56.380
or the website, and all you do is you put Pearl Read in front of it, or you do Super Chat
00:18:03.120
Let's start by hashing out what it means to be raised by the nanny, because we're not debating
00:18:11.000
Raised by the nanny generally means that the nanny is around for longer than the typical
00:18:16.580
So, in the morning, she might be there early to help make breakfast and get the kids off
00:18:22.280
And in the evening, she might be shuttling them to and from different...
00:18:25.800
You guys are playing with fire, bringing in these hot 22-year-old women into your house.
00:18:34.840
Curriculars, preparing dinner, and getting them ready for a bed into PJs.
00:18:39.120
Parents might be working a demanding job or multiple jobs.
00:18:45.000
Or they might be around in tandem around the house with other kids or juggling other responsibilities.
00:18:50.500
One parent describes her situation in a help column to the Washington Post.
00:18:54.620
Last year, the work hours for my husband and I changed, and we decided that a live-in nanny
00:19:00.700
Our nanny is a lovely girl and we enjoy having her, but over time, my kids, two and seven,
00:19:08.440
They get so excited when she walks through our door, and when they have bad dreams at night,
00:19:15.240
Part of that is because my husband and I are often gone at night.
00:19:18.680
My two-year-old has started saying, I don't want mommy, I want Ali.
00:19:26.100
My two-year-old spends all day with our nanny, and our seven-year-old sees her a lot, too.
00:19:30.780
But this is getting tough for me and my husband.
00:19:33.800
How can we reconnect with our kids, especially when we already spend so much time away from them?
00:19:39.140
Yeah, so this is a guy basically saying, my wife can't be a wife.
00:19:44.840
Now, I do think there's a way, right, where a man maybe just wants to protect himself, right?
00:19:52.940
Like, I could see in a world where a man says, get to work, bitch.
00:19:58.940
Because, I mean, you're at so much more of a risk when the woman stays home.
00:20:02.920
You know, you're not on the hook for lifetime alimony if the woman is working.
00:20:09.140
However, usually when this happens, it's because the woman is bad at her job.
00:20:26.720
They're like, whatever, I'll pay someone else to do it.
00:20:28.780
The journalist responding to this article is author Megan Leahy.
00:20:32.920
Who writes parenting-related articles for The Post and is also author of the book Parenting Outside the Line.
00:20:38.300
Interestingly, she responds by reframing the question away from the comparison trap and the battle.
00:20:43.820
Again, people only don't like comparison when they're the losers, right?
00:20:49.880
Like, a Victoria's Secret, well, they cast fat Victoria's Secret models now.
00:20:54.760
But, like, the ring girl and the Jake Paul fight, do you think she compares—sorry, do you think she hates being compared to other women when she's hotter than, like, 99% of women?
00:21:10.420
But, you know, I don't want to be compared to her, you know what I mean?
00:21:21.940
By stating bluntly, though watching your child connect to another caregiver might be uncomfortable, these connections should be seen as a benefit, not a problem.
00:21:29.800
I wish more kids could have many loving people guiding them, hired or not.
00:21:35.300
She redirects the parent to ask themselves, how can we reconnect with our kids, especially when we spend so much time at work?
00:21:41.480
And she also adds, I have coached and known plenty of parents who spend all day and night with their children,
00:21:47.740
and yet these parents are emotionally distant, discontent, and poorly attached to their children.
00:21:53.380
The fact is, nannies are professional caretakers.
00:21:56.700
Because this is their primary job, let's just put it out there, they might be really good at it.
00:22:03.360
They might be more adept at setting boundaries, finding engaging activities for the child, and otherwise emotionally connecting to this small person.
00:22:11.820
They're also paid to spend that many hours one-on-one, face-to-face with the child.
00:22:18.580
What happened to mothers being, like, a thankless job?
00:22:26.120
It's just crazy how we think of women as the nurturing gender, but women don't want to raise their own kids.
00:22:33.040
They're like, throw this, throw this, you know, they're throwing these kids in daycare, like, six months after they're born.
00:22:42.340
And survivorship bias, where the people who choose to be nannies might naturally be more maternal or more excited about caregiving for children.
00:22:50.420
Assuming we have a loving and present nanny, what's the problem?
00:22:54.720
It appears to stem from how the child interprets the presence of this alternate caretaker.
00:22:59.660
And the word interprets is very important here because, like all things in life, it's not about what happens to you, but how you find meaning in that event.
00:23:08.520
When the parents are away from home a lot, does the child say, my parents are working really hard to provide for us, or does the child say, my parents are not prioritizing me, or they're prioritizing their careers over me?
00:23:22.580
Same situation, but very different interpretations.
00:23:25.540
So what is it? Is it self-sacrifice or is it selfishness? And can we influence that narrative?
00:23:32.000
When you work for me, you leave when I say you can leave.
00:23:35.700
For your information, I do not work for you. I am employed by your mother.
00:23:39.700
Oh, yeah? Take a look around. Do you see her anywhere?
00:23:48.040
You're not gonna. Unless you make an appointment with her assistant or hang around her bedroom door at three o'clock in the morning.
00:24:13.220
There is no randomized control trial for this, but we have certain sociological labs and storytelling advocates underscoring the importance of not letting kids decide which way to interpret these kinds of statements.
00:24:29.400
So, for example, instead of, I have to do something really important, I can't go to your soccer game, you know I'm so busy.
00:24:36.120
Starting off by that point of connection, I'm so sad, I can't come to your soccer game.
00:24:44.260
Yeah, like the kid is gonna know the difference.
00:24:54.380
There are a couple of points embedded in this single suggestion.
00:24:58.340
It's very easy to get defensive, especially when you're working very long hours, but that point of connecting to the child is super important here.
00:25:05.060
And the second point is carving out an alternate space where you can make that commitment and not go back on it.
00:25:11.140
And it just comes down to having space and time for those conversations to happen so you can unwind what is a child thinking about?
00:25:19.400
How can I shape their interpretation or maybe give them some pointers if they are not seeing what I'm seeing?
00:25:27.920
My, you know, both of my parents work full-time jobs.
00:25:30.240
So I feel like they sacrificed a lot, I sacrificed a lot, I do a lot of it for...
00:25:34.940
Yeah, because a lot of, sometimes you hear the stories of child stars and what happens, but it sounds like the grounding of your mom and dad.
00:25:42.200
Immigrant parents, like, they're so used to work hard, work hard, work hard.
00:25:47.880
It's, they're more like, matanos en el trabajo.
00:25:51.140
But I'm like, I'm not trying to matarme en el trabajo.
00:26:04.860
Watching her struggle made me want to move a different route.
00:26:10.940
I don't want to leave my kids to grow up, you know, raising themselves.
00:26:13.900
Being a nanny is a very intimate job, and some people argue that it has to be intimate because if the child knows that it is just hired help, they may act out and refuse discipline.
00:26:23.460
Many nannies say they don't worry about replacing the parents because they say the kids know who their parents are.
00:26:30.040
So if the kids aren't confused, let's talk about expectations.
00:26:36.420
And clearly, whether or not that's societally ingrained, there are different expectations of mothers versus fathers.
00:26:43.540
One thing to observe about these posts is that the recollection from the kids is asking for very specific things.
00:26:49.580
Kids are not asking for their parents to sit next to them for eight hours a day.
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Even kids as young as two or 18 months old will wander away from the parent to have all the fun they want and then look back to see if the parent is there and come back to their home base.
00:27:03.900
Reading through the experiences of people who say they were raised by the nanny, they didn't have that home base in their parents.
00:27:10.860
So for the nanny issue to really be a problem, there needs to be two things.
00:27:15.560
One is the theme of the parents not having time, and more importantly, the child not connecting to the parent in the way that they desire, which creates a wall.
00:27:25.460
And the second piece is likely so much more important because there are plenty of stay-at-home parents or parents with more flexible schedules that also struggle to connect with their child.
00:27:35.560
To be honest, it's also a huge personality issue.
00:27:38.800
The fact is, anyone can become a parent, and we know that in the real world, there are a ton of people and a lot of partners even who are not great listeners, and it's hard to connect to those people.
00:27:49.420
So when it comes to children, there has to be an added effort of meeting them where they are at because it is worth this investment, not necessarily for retirement, but so that you have a good relationship with your kids as they're growing up and maybe even grandchildren.
00:28:03.900
Back to the mom part, is there a difference between a job that the nanny does and that of the mother?
00:28:14.520
Graduate student Courtney Scott interviewed career nannies in the New York City area.
00:28:19.260
I came to understand early in the conceptual phase of the project that the work of nannying could not be separated from mothering.
00:28:25.820
When asked to state the difference between the work of nannying and mothering, most interviewees, many of them mothers themselves, stated that there was no difference.
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Is a nanny a mother, and can she occupy this role without displacing another mother?
00:28:41.020
Later in her discourse, she quotes from Andrea O'Reilly's Toni Morrison and Motherhood, A Politics of the Heart.
00:28:47.500
Morrison defies maternal identity as a site of power for black women that has its...
00:28:57.020
...explicit goal for the empowerment of children.
00:28:59.820
And that's very interesting when you juxtapose those two statements.
00:29:05.660
It becomes apparent that the question of is a nanny a mother is one for the ego.
00:29:11.660
In the same category of who do you love more, mom or dad?
00:29:17.580
It's a question for the ego because either she is not, and I win, or she is, and I deflate.
00:29:24.380
But if you add that angle of child empowerment, the more fruitful and loving relationships a parent can
00:29:31.100
provide for a child, the more secure and confident that child will be.
00:29:36.140
Yeah, I mean, but there's a difference between a babysitter and a living nanny, right?
00:29:45.420
And we're going to get to some examples of nannying going wrong.
00:29:50.140
You guys don't understand that you can get a whole different ideology into your children
00:29:57.500
if you put the wrong adult by your kids, right?
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So if you're a conservative and you have this blue haired feminist kid,
00:30:05.580
it's very possible that someone you put in the kid's life did that.
00:30:09.580
Is a nanny a mother ultimately never needs to be asked and never needs to be answered.
00:30:15.260
We are a collective of adults aimed at empowering children,
00:30:19.340
and the primary responsibility for that empowerment is on the parents.
00:30:23.500
The caveat to add here is that because the role of nanny and mother are so intertwined,
00:30:29.260
the comparison trap is much closer for moms than it is for dads.
00:30:32.940
If children are feeling separation, they are more likely to feel it from the mom.
00:30:36.940
Because of the presence of the nanny and because they would expect those same nurturing qualities
00:30:41.500
from their mother, making it much easier to construct the image of what I wish my mother did for me,
00:30:46.940
as opposed to a male figure who would be the parallel for a father.
00:30:50.620
Ultimately, is it about learning the child's love language, communication language?
00:30:55.500
More broadly, it comes down to listening and intentional spaces.
00:30:59.260
Yeah, okay. So next, we got a woman writes that she regrets farming out raising her daughter to a nanny.
00:31:12.140
Nannying equals farming out your child. Is it a big mistake?
00:31:19.980
When I was in my 30s, I was in London and a good job, and so when I gave birth,
00:31:23.900
it seemed like the right thing to get a nanny to look after my daughter.
00:31:29.660
Now, 17 years later, having talked to my daughter about it, I feel like it's the biggest mistake ever made.
00:31:35.740
She was so traumatized by not having me around and couldn't tell me as she was so young and didn't want to upset her mommy.
00:31:43.420
After two and a half years of using a nanny, I felt it was wrong, so I did give up my job,
00:31:48.460
and we moved somewhere quieter and cheaper so I could be home more with her.
00:31:53.580
She had a very, very difficult teenage phase, and we got on incredibly badly,
00:31:57.820
and now is able to say it tracks back to because she felt unwanted and unhappy when she was younger.
00:32:04.540
She's now raised this a number of times with me, doctors, and mental health professionals,
00:32:08.860
and I'm quite devastated by it on a personal level as her dad and I worked hard to try to give her a
00:32:13.980
good, loving, stable family home with everything she wanted, and she always seemed happy.
00:32:19.820
I've told her I regret it, but I did change everything for her, and the only way to put it right was by not
00:32:26.620
doing this for her own children and learning from it. I was just wondering if anyone had a similar
00:32:40.860
Wait here, let's see. Some children don't do well being cared for by others. If your daughter was
00:32:45.500
ill-treated in any way, it could be imprinted in her memory. Ideally, kids would get along with a
00:32:50.780
loving, nurturing mother, especially when so young. That's another thing. Adopted kids have attachment
00:32:57.420
problems. I lived with this family for a summer, and they had brothers that were adopted, and one
00:33:05.180
was a year and a half old, and one was four. The older one just had a lot of issues. Even though he
00:33:13.580
barely remembered before they got him, the younger brother was perfect. He was very well-liked and
00:33:24.860
respected in the church, but the older one, yeah, he was kind of messed up.
00:33:38.620
It was a fairly massive omission, not to mention her ADD and dyslexia. Previously,
00:33:44.540
she's obviously a complex personality and has a lot going on with the response from doctors and
00:33:50.060
MS professionals when she blames all her problems on being cared for by a nanny when she was younger.
00:33:54.700
I would take her statements about her friend's mother's feeling sad for her with a pinch of salt.
00:33:59.340
Do you know any of these parents to speak to? It'd be interesting to find out exactly
00:34:03.820
how she is presenting this experience to them. Okay, I do think this kid's overreacting a little
00:34:11.420
bit. Two and a half years, that's it. I'm just saying, this could have been your whole life,
00:34:16.700
you know. Okay, let's see what's next. All right. Will the baby prefer a nanny over me? Yep.
00:34:26.220
She does a better job than you. She will. He will. All right. Will my baby prefer the nanny over me?
00:34:33.660
Working parents have a lot to consider when it comes to leaving their child in the care of a nanny.
00:34:38.060
Will the nanny be safe? Will the nanny respect our child-rearing values? How much is this going to cost us?
00:34:45.980
But most aren't prepared for a surprisingly common concern with regard to the nanny.
00:34:50.540
Will the baby prefer their nanny to them? Parents are usually somewhat prepared for
00:34:55.740
the feelings of anxiety and guilt that can accompany them returning to work
00:35:00.220
after having a baby, especially first-time mothers. But most are not expected to be jealous
00:35:07.660
of the person they've employed to be their child's caregiver. Moreover, the working woman is supposed to
00:35:13.260
be enjoying the best of both worlds, right? Maybe, but some women still find themselves battling the
00:35:19.020
green-eyed monster when it comes to their nannies. If you're one of them, take comfort in the famine as
00:35:23.740
women join the workforce in record numbers. If you're having trouble coming to terms with your nanny's
00:35:29.580
special relationship with your baby, it helps to consider the process by which children form
00:35:34.380
emotional attachment. Babies enter this world with a strong instinct to bond with others since
00:35:39.660
it's critical to their survival. The bonding process begins immediately after birth and babies soon
00:35:45.180
recognize a caregiver's touch, smell, voice, appearance, and mannerisms. For parents, bonding with the baby
00:35:52.220
occurs naturally in the earliest days of life as they comfort and care for their infants and this bond
00:35:57.820
continues to strengthen with the passing of time. So what happens when a nanny enters the mix? Will the
00:36:03.180
nanny bond with the, will the baby bond with the nanny too? And if so, will the bond grow so that the baby
00:36:09.980
comes to prefer the nanny? The same sort of bonding process does occur when a child is left in the care of
00:36:17.660
a nanny. Somewhat more slowly and usually on a more superficial level. Remember that your nanny spends
00:36:25.900
a good portion if not all of their day with the kids so it is natural that they form a strong alliance.
00:36:33.100
And although some babies may traditionally have formed such a bond with only one person,
00:36:38.220
it's possible for babies to form a bond with multiple people including the nanny. In fact,
00:36:43.420
some researchers believe that babies who form strong attachments to more than one person may
00:36:48.860
benefit in terms of social development later in life. While a strong bond between a nanny and a
00:36:55.660
baby can be a beautiful thing, problems arise when a baby begins to show a preference for the nanny over
00:37:01.500
his or her parents. Imagine coming home from a long day from your child only to find that he or she cries
00:37:07.740
at the sight of you or refuses to let go of the nanny. Or worse, imagine hearing the baby call the
00:37:12.780
nanny mommy or daddy right in front of you. These can be sad and frustrating experiences for the
00:37:20.220
parents, but not frustrating enough, I guess, for the mom to do her job. It's natural to feel sad and
00:37:27.740
perhaps a little angry about this, but you should avoid acting on these emotions instead. There are
00:37:33.180
things you can do to reconnect with your child and create harmony between you and the child's caregiver.
00:37:38.140
First, keep in mind having a nanny that is loving and lovable enough to elicit such a response from
00:37:44.380
your child is a wonderful thing and it would certainly be worse to face the opposite situation
00:37:50.220
in which your child files into fits of panic at the sights of the nanny. Also remember that the babies can
00:37:57.900
be fickle, stuck like glue to someone one minute only to completely be nonchalant about their absence
00:38:04.620
next. And consider that while your baby may cry briefly when the nanny leaves, he or she also
00:38:09.820
cried for you at your departure. Furthermore, bear in mind that the evening hours can be among the
00:38:17.340
most difficult for infants and child children. This is usually the time of day where they're tired and
00:38:22.300
can be cranky and less tolerant to changes in their routine. Nanny versus parents, how everyone can win
00:38:29.740
the battle for the baby's heart by the mom doing her job.
00:38:38.860
She won't though. She won't. I promise to God she won't. There's going to be something more fun
00:38:42.860
and cool and exciting than hanging out with these kids. This idea that the women just love being mothers
00:38:48.380
is the biggest cope, right? Because society says, you know, women are natural nurturers, right?
00:38:57.180
And the women, they're like, but you know, women, here's a choice to kill your kids. And the women
00:39:01.260
are like, we got to kill them. We got to. Abortion. We're going to march for this. Okay. And then they're
00:39:06.380
like, okay, well, I guess it's not a life. Um, I guess. Okay, sure. Okay, sure. Ladies. And then
00:39:14.380
they're like, okay, but you know, you guys can work and save money. So in your twenties,
00:39:18.940
you could save money for your kids, you know? And, um, then in your thirties, you can have a kid and
00:39:24.540
then you have money for the kid, right? And you can stay home. And the women are like, nah, I'd rather
00:39:29.020
just get Botox and, um, liposuction and boob jobs and clothes and go to events and travel.
00:39:37.660
And I would rather do that instead of saving money to have a kid, right? Um, and I'd actually,
00:39:43.460
when I have the kid, I do want to work and I want someone else to do the job, but I want the cloud of
00:39:49.240
the kid. So I definitely want, but it's like, you can have every shred of evidence that a woman doesn't
00:39:54.360
want to be a mother, but still society will say that we're like dying to be mothers.
00:40:00.500
I don't think so. I really don't. I think women like the control a kid gives over like
00:40:06.640
society and a man and like the attention they get from the kid. But I don't know if the moms really
00:40:12.420
like love their kids. You know, like a dad can have a kid that hates him and he still loves the kid.
00:40:19.180
But the mom, if the kid doesn't like, you get those overbearing mothers where they're like,
00:40:23.280
be a doctor, be a lawyer. And if the kid doesn't do exactly what the mom wants, it's like you,
00:40:28.660
you have hell on earth to pay. If you're having a hard time shaking off the feeling of jealousy
00:40:34.120
or resentment over your nanny's special bond with your baby, it's time to address the problem and be
00:40:38.440
a mom, right? We're going back to the answer. Quit your job, stay home, be a mom. Now, you know,
00:40:46.660
there's real situations like poverty, right? But we're not talking about those situations.
00:40:55.000
We're talking about the situations where the mom wants a three bedroom house instead of a two
00:41:00.300
bedroom apartment, right? The kid's going to be happier in the small house with the mom there.
00:41:05.440
But, you know, then Tracy sees Diane lives in the suburbs with a 10, you know, bedroom apart or house
00:41:15.040
or, you know, in the city and she's going to these events and yada yada. Anyways, keep in mind that most
00:41:21.240
nannies are trying hard to bond with children in their care. If they fail at this, chances are they
00:41:26.340
won't remain employed for long and they don't want to displease the parents. On the contrary, they're very
00:41:31.840
interested in pleasing them. For that reason, it might be a good idea to talk to your nanny about
00:41:35.340
the problem. Start by saying you're thrilled that the bond she has with the baby and you're happy
00:41:39.660
that she, you know, you're happy with her work, but you're fired and I'm going to be a mom now.
00:41:45.220
That's how it should go, right? That's how it could go, you know, but no. Then explain that you feel a
00:41:51.280
little left out and would appreciate her helping strengthening the baby bond, right? So now this is
00:41:56.440
another cope because they're trying to get the nanny to do the work of bonding with the baby.
00:42:00.640
But instead, they're like, can you do it for me? Can you make the baby like me?
00:42:06.840
And kids are pretty like, if a kid doesn't like you, kids love everybody. You know, if a kid doesn't
00:42:13.340
like you, something's wrong. Perhaps she can teach your child's favorite lullaby or some sort of
00:42:19.440
soothing techniques only good nannies know. If your child shows a preference for the nanny more than just
00:42:25.160
occasionally, it may be time to reestablish your connection with your little one. Maybe focus on your
00:42:30.020
child interacting with him or her in a relaxed, comfortable setting. You may need to sing, dance,
00:42:35.080
or act goofy as your work, as you work your way back into your child's heart, but he or she will
00:42:42.660
eventually fall under your spell. Infant massage, increased breastfeeding, or other forms of skin
00:42:48.740
skin-to-skin contact. If your baby continues to show preference for the nanny, again, it may be
00:42:54.820
helpful to go home. They're not going to do that, though. Get a work-from-home job, right?
00:43:01.920
For example, if there's a competition between the mom and the female nanny, switching to a male nanny
00:43:07.440
may be a solution. God, they just do everything to make these moms feel like they're not bad moms.
00:43:14.200
They're like, okay, we're going to get a male nanny. Male nannies, also called nannies, tend to be
00:43:19.440
very fun and energetic caregivers. They also may be less likely to displace mom in the baby's eyes.
00:43:27.820
It's important to keep in mind that although feelings of jealousy towards your nanny may crop
00:43:32.400
from time to time, this will be short-lived. Most parents whose babies love their nannies
00:43:37.380
soon realize that the nanny-baby-strong bond is essential to the well-being of their child.
00:43:43.420
Remember that parents usually go to straight, great lengths to find a nanny that is warm,
00:43:48.160
loving, patient, and fun. What baby wouldn't want to fall in love with such a person? And when your
00:43:53.540
baby does, you can pat yourself on the back for providing for your child a good caregiver. Until
00:44:00.200
the caregiver goes to college and leaves and your kid is devastated. That's usually how it goes.
00:44:07.120
Okay. Here is a TikTok of a woman talking about her experience being raised by nannies.
00:44:16.940
I'm Mia from LA. Please like and subscribe. Growing up, it was just me and my mom, who
00:44:23.900
was a famous photographer working for big brands and celebrities. So you'd think, with the
00:44:28.680
photographer parent, I'd have a beautifully documented childhood. Well, you'd be wrong.
00:44:33.520
I hardly had any pictures because mom was always too busy, and I was raised by nannies. Sure,
00:44:39.080
mom gave me everything, but she couldn't make much time for me. She did try by setting up her studio at home,
00:44:44.760
but once when she was in a meeting, I slipped into her darkroom and switched on the lights,
00:44:49.000
and all her photos were destroyed. That nanny was fired, and mom relocated her studio,
00:44:54.280
and then she hired a lady named Susan, who was the coolest. Susan could play hide and seek with me
00:44:59.260
for hours. She'd always let me do her makeup, and she even taught me how to slide down our main
00:45:04.080
staircase. She'd pitch up a tent in our backyard, and then tell me stories around a fire. And what a
00:45:09.680
storyteller she was, she'd just make up magical tales in the moment, and I was hooked. What are
00:45:15.580
you thinking, you lily-livered, yellow-bellied scallywag? I was thinking, you should be my mom.
00:45:21.040
Susan laughed it off, but I was kind of serious. She even gifted me my first notebook when I turned
00:45:26.500
eight, because she knew I loved writing stories, and that meant more to me than any of the presents
00:45:31.400
mom had sent. Yeah, she couldn't make it to my birthday. Once when I was nine, Susan had taken the day
00:45:36.480
off, and I ended up being stuck with mom at a photo shoot at some historical building.
00:45:41.300
Mom, I'm bored. Read your book, Mia. But I'm also hungry and sleepy. Think of something fun to do
00:45:48.140
for a little longer, okay? Okay. But you better come find me soon. Yeah, soon. So I skipped off to find
00:45:54.080
an amazing hiding place. I thought it was clear to mom that we were playing hide and seek. As I waited
00:45:59.060
for her in my spot, I dozed off, and when I woke up, it was kind of dark. I tried to find my way back
00:46:04.300
to mom's shoot, but I was totally lost. Luckily, a security guard found me and took me to the
00:46:09.020
nearest police station, and the only number I knew by heart was Susan's. Sometime later,
00:46:13.560
both mom and Susan came running in, and I jumped straight into Susan's arm.
00:46:18.220
What an L. Can you imagine? Your kid's running, and she, like, runs past you to the nanny.
00:46:25.120
Sweetie, you really scared your mom. Give her a hug. But I was so mad at her because she didn't
00:46:30.540
come looking for me. Susan would have never let that happen. Soon after, in fifth grade,
00:46:35.160
I came home from school one day to find a girl my age in the kitchen eating my cereal.
00:46:39.800
Who are you, and why are you here? And who eats cereal for lunch? I eat what I want when I want.
00:46:44.120
You're not my boss. Now, shoot. I was about to smack that thief in the face when Susan walked in,
00:46:48.940
and she introduced the girl as Harper, her daughter. I didn't even know Susan had one,
00:46:53.520
and I felt a pang of jealousy. Your mom has to travel out of town more often,
00:46:57.260
so she's requested that I live here now. And I'm moving in with Harper. Isn't that great?
00:47:01.580
I'm sure you two will get along wonderfully. I was certain that we would not. She was a nuisance.
00:47:06.920
She threw away all my markers caps so they dried out, spilled juice all over my bed to make it look
00:47:11.660
like pee, and gave my favorite shoes to a stray dog. But I only had to scream, and Susan would tell
00:47:17.220
her off. Harper would tag along with us everywhere, and she'd glare at me and make comments under her
00:47:22.080
breath when Susan was out of earshot. If you don't stop annoying me, I'll tell Susan.
00:47:26.120
I wanted to know what happened. But yeah, so again, you got a couple issues here. When it comes
00:47:35.320
to nannies, I'm going to give my final thoughts. You got a couple issues, okay? If you get a good
00:47:42.000
nanny, right, the challenge you have is the kid becomes attached to the nanny, and the nanny goes.
00:47:49.040
So you fall in love, you're like super close to these nannies, right? They're like your best
00:47:56.340
friends. And then you're like, where did they go? And then you just never see them again,
00:48:00.680
because they go to college, they go whatever. And then it's like a recycle thing. Or you get a bad
00:48:07.340
nanny, and the child is tortured if the kid doesn't like the nanny. Imagine you have to go home and see
00:48:12.820
someone that you are not related to that you don't like, and is there indefinitely. Those are
00:48:19.760
the challenges you got with nannies. Now, I don't think they're the worst thing in the world if
00:48:24.620
they're not the kid's primary caretaker. But the thing is, the day-to-day boring tasks are really
00:48:31.580
what matters to a kid, right? It's like, who's picking up the kid from school? Who's eating dinner
00:48:38.160
with the kid? Who's going to the sports games, right? That's the stuff that matters. It's not
00:48:42.400
like the big events or like a trip once a year, right? It's the small things day-to-day.
00:48:50.060
And I think a lot of moms are going to realize they kind of miss most of their kid's childhood.
00:48:56.260
Okay, guys, that's all I got on nannies. So what we're going to do is we're only going to go be live
00:49:02.100
on the website, and we are going to have a smart, intelligent man give a presentation on if
00:49:07.660
government work is for you. He has done very well in his career, and so you can learn a lot
00:49:14.360
about this. We're going to keep live streaming on the website. And yeah, so we're going to end on
00:49:20.960
YouTube. Like the video on your way out. Sign up to theaudacitynetwork.com. And we are going to raise
00:49:25.920
the prices of memberships, I believe, on the 15th of May. I know I said that last month, but we
00:49:34.200
actually have a plan of getting the thing implemented. So like the video, subscribe,
00:49:38.620
and I will see you guys on theaudacitynetwork.com. We're on both app stores. I'll see you there.