JustPearlyThings - Modern Women Weaknesses About Men Got RESOLVED

00:00:00.000 Coming up next...

00:00:00.940 Aunty, I have a question.

00:00:02.100 I'm not saying it's me,

00:00:02.940 but how about for the women that don't enjoy it or like it?

00:00:05.940 But then don't have a man.

00:00:08.280 Or allow your man to go and find a woman.

00:00:10.300 If you want to be a housewife without sex,

00:00:12.200 allow him to step out and have sex.

00:00:14.280 Because you can't just get...

00:00:15.560 You can't tie down a man

00:00:16.620 and then once you put the ring on your finger

00:00:17.960 then say, sorry, I don't like it no more.

00:00:19.740 Or if you turn around and say to you,

00:00:20.840 sorry, I don't like you no more.

00:00:22.480 That's a load of rubbish.

00:00:23.600 Every woman ain't having sex with you,

00:00:25.280 leave her.

00:00:26.040 The only person that can stop you from having fun

00:00:27.940 is you.

00:00:28.580 So, Aunty, is this your first relationship?

00:00:31.880 No.

00:00:32.680 It's the longest though,

00:00:33.620 because it's the most sexiest.

00:00:34.900 Okay.

00:00:35.840 So what happened with your previous relationship?

00:00:37.900 Like, why did they break up or end?

00:00:39.620 She told the two cheaters.

00:00:40.840 Yeah, she said the bus driver.

00:00:42.620 But this one, yeah,

00:00:43.660 if they cheat, if they're abusive,

00:00:45.400 but this one's a lifer.

00:00:47.440 So do you feel like women are to blame

00:00:48.720 if a man cheat?

00:00:50.240 No.

00:00:50.880 I don't think that women are to blame

00:00:52.000 if a man cheat.

00:00:52.640 I feel women are to blame

00:00:53.680 if they keep on staying with a man

00:00:55.040 and then complaining that he cheats.

00:00:56.780 If a man cheats, he don't like it.

00:00:58.580 Get rid of him.

00:00:59.480 If you stay with him,

00:01:00.280 he continues cheating.

00:01:01.380 Shut up about it.

00:01:03.260 Can I ask you,

00:01:04.080 can I ask you how long it's been

00:01:05.760 since you both separated?

00:01:06.880 Like, how long have you been figuring it out?

00:01:09.400 I'll say it was the start of the pandemic,

00:01:12.200 but it's not that we're figuring it out.

00:01:13.480 I think it was just that we were two different people

00:01:15.880 coming together

00:01:16.600 and the pressures of the pandemic

00:01:18.420 obviously put a lot more strain on us.

00:01:20.720 And I feel like also this concept,

00:01:22.980 like, for example,

00:01:25.140 people believe that if you're married,

00:01:26.740 you have to sleep in the same bed

00:01:27.840 every single night.

00:01:29.000 Whereas some people's relationships

00:01:30.620 aren't like that.

00:01:31.480 I didn't understand that when I was younger,

00:01:33.380 that actually some people

00:01:34.300 genuinely don't want to be in a bed

00:01:36.240 with someone else every single night.

00:01:37.680 And that's something

00:01:38.460 that I'm only coming to terms with now,

00:01:40.480 if that makes sense.

00:01:41.360 So I think the more that I'm growing as a person,

00:01:44.520 I'm learning a lot about myself

00:01:45.820 and I'm accepting as well

00:01:46.960 that you don't have to have

00:01:48.260 what social media show

00:01:49.240 as a traditional marriage.

00:01:51.260 You can have your own version.

00:01:53.040 Yeah.

00:01:53.700 And I'll ask you a question though.

00:01:55.480 Do you think you and your partner

00:01:56.840 have the same core values?

00:01:59.060 Yes.

00:02:00.120 And I think that's the only reason

00:02:01.220 why I can see me being compatible with him.

00:02:04.420 So what's like the real,

00:02:06.260 like, I don't understand

00:02:07.320 what's not there then?

00:02:09.700 It seems like he's a great guy.

00:02:11.340 Yeah.

00:02:12.160 No, I think,

00:02:13.180 I think, no, no,

00:02:14.040 I think it's not that he's a great guy.

00:02:15.760 It's I've made a choice

00:02:16.760 and I feel like

00:02:17.540 I will do whatever I can

00:02:19.160 to make sure it works.

00:02:20.880 Okay.

00:02:21.200 If that makes sense.

00:02:21.820 Because I think,

00:02:22.780 especially with marriage,

00:02:23.680 it's a big commitment

00:02:24.800 and, you know,

00:02:25.740 you do it through thick and thin.

00:02:27.200 Yeah.

00:02:27.700 I think it's more,

00:02:29.920 I didn't understand,

00:02:31.640 like when he did mention,

00:02:32.840 if he did mention multiple partners

00:02:34.440 or having other partners,

00:02:35.620 for me,

00:02:36.620 that was like,

00:02:37.580 what do you mean?

00:02:38.500 But I then had to like recheck myself

00:02:40.340 and actually say,

00:02:41.080 that's not something I'm not used to

00:02:43.320 or I'm abnormal

00:02:44.100 or that isn't the norm.

00:02:46.460 So I think when I initially reacted,

00:02:49.040 and again,

00:02:49.400 that was the trauma

00:02:50.060 from the first relationship

00:02:51.000 coming through

00:02:51.620 that I had to unlearn.

00:02:53.120 It was almost like,

00:02:54.480 oh,

00:02:54.580 that means you must be cheating every day

00:02:55.980 when actually he wasn't.

00:02:57.180 So it made us very toxic

00:02:58.720 for no reason.

00:02:59.540 So it kind of goes back

00:03:00.720 to like women can't handle the truth.

00:03:02.240 Well,

00:03:02.800 I've separated

00:03:03.500 and like revisiting

00:03:05.020 what I actually want in life

00:03:06.180 and how it impacts me.

00:03:07.440 I've realized that actually,

00:03:09.240 it's not,

00:03:10.140 I can handle the,

00:03:10.980 to mature,

00:03:11.660 if that makes sense.

00:03:12.500 Then I wouldn't be able to,

00:03:13.780 but as I've now learned

00:03:14.740 a lot more about myself,

00:03:15.820 I'm like,

00:03:16.140 yeah.

00:03:16.820 Have you had help

00:03:17.980 for your trauma?

00:03:18.960 I guess it was more.

00:03:20.520 Professional help.

00:03:21.280 Yeah.

00:03:21.600 Well,

00:03:21.740 I've done,

00:03:22.140 I've done counselling and stuff.

00:03:23.480 It's not,

00:03:24.080 I would,

00:03:25.220 yeah,

00:03:25.440 I've done counselling and stuff.

00:03:26.680 I don't think,

00:03:27.100 I think it's just time.

00:03:28.360 So sometimes you don't,

00:03:29.220 even counselling doesn't help.

00:03:30.200 It's just,

00:03:30.500 just maturing.

00:03:31.380 I think as well,

00:03:32.340 it's about emotional management.

00:03:34.320 So imagine your emotions

00:03:35.760 in line with what's going on.

00:03:38.820 Because often we,

00:03:40.060 we have emotional responses

00:03:41.700 to things that are happening

00:03:43.320 at that time.

00:03:44.360 Yeah.

00:03:44.620 We've thought about them.

00:03:45.820 We've,

00:03:46.080 we've,

00:03:46.700 and I'm,

00:03:47.100 and I know someone's going to say,

00:03:48.480 oh,

00:03:49.080 you're saying we're crazy.

00:03:50.240 No,

00:03:50.760 we think about things

00:03:52.180 that could happen.

00:03:53.340 We think about those things,

00:03:54.500 think about it.

00:03:55.280 And the moment we're confronted

00:03:56.480 with the situation at hand,

00:03:58.220 we respond to the,

00:03:59.880 See,

00:04:00.320 do you know what?

00:04:00.740 Because of your background,

00:04:01.700 I think you're quite sensible,

00:04:02.660 isn't it?

00:04:03.020 But what I would say is that

00:04:04.220 for most women,

00:04:05.920 the way you're handling it

00:04:07.180 wouldn't be good advice

00:04:07.940 because for most women,

00:04:08.960 taking time away

00:04:09.800 and pushing it to the future

00:04:11.920 just means racking up bodies,

00:04:13.680 racking up more trauma

00:04:14.500 and expecting a guy

00:04:15.740 to come and take hold of it

00:04:16.800 in the,

00:04:17.420 in the future.

00:04:18.520 And I think that's where,

00:04:19.660 like,

00:04:19.800 obviously,

00:04:20.300 like my faith comes in,

00:04:22.080 if that makes sense.

00:04:22.620 Because obviously,

00:04:22.980 that's what will keep me in check

00:04:24.920 in that sense.

00:04:25.580 Because I don't believe

00:04:26.940 in sort of committing

00:04:28.140 fornication like that.

00:04:29.280 It protects me

00:04:30.460 a bit more from that.

00:04:32.780 Obviously,

00:04:33.360 women who might not share

00:04:34.760 my same background

00:04:35.400 might be a bit,

00:04:36.280 yeah,

00:04:36.500 maybe they might,

00:04:37.320 you know.

00:04:37.720 Because them healing

00:04:38.680 is taking more willy.

00:04:40.140 Yeah,

00:04:40.420 but are you actually,

00:04:41.880 this is the question

00:04:42.680 I would ask is,

00:04:43.880 are you actually dealing

00:04:45.080 with the issues at hand?

00:04:46.940 Because,

00:04:47.580 so you're working

00:04:48.900 on them separately,

00:04:50.320 but you're not working

00:04:51.080 on them together.

00:04:52.060 And that issue,

00:04:53.020 so when you come back,

00:04:54.540 you're going to be

00:04:55.020 a different woman

00:04:55.700 and he's going to be

00:04:56.400 a different man

00:04:57.060 and then there's going

00:04:57.940 to be other issues

00:04:58.760 because you're not

00:04:59.320 working together.

00:05:00.500 So I think what's happening

00:05:01.640 is I'm growing

00:05:02.760 into who I am

00:05:03.660 and he's growing

00:05:04.280 into who he is.

00:05:05.160 And if it matches,

00:05:06.240 this is why I say

00:05:06.820 I'll give it time.

00:05:07.500 Because if it is

00:05:08.080 that we work out,

00:05:09.440 we work out.

00:05:10.120 If not,

00:05:10.840 we're just getting better

00:05:11.740 at just say like,

00:05:13.500 because I've got a five-year-old,

00:05:14.420 we're getting better

00:05:14.860 at co-parenting.

00:05:16.040 Do you get what I mean?

00:05:16.580 So we've got,

00:05:17.720 we're getting better

00:05:19.000 in our relationship itself.

00:05:20.380 What's the separation,

00:05:21.360 his choice or yours?

00:05:25.340 It was,

00:05:26.380 I guess,

00:05:27.560 both.

00:05:28.760 Come on.

00:05:30.020 Someone,

00:05:30.400 someone started

00:05:30.900 the conversation.

00:05:32.360 It wasn't,

00:05:33.400 who started the conversation?

00:05:34.060 Let's put it this way,

00:05:34.720 it wasn't a nice separation.

00:05:36.300 Yeah.

00:05:36.660 It was very,

00:05:37.320 it was a very abrupt

00:05:39.340 and sort of not great.

00:05:41.260 Yeah,

00:05:41.500 but who started the,

00:05:42.740 like someone,

00:05:43.920 it's dishonest to say

00:05:45.040 that it was a mutual thing.

00:05:47.040 Like someone has to start

00:05:48.340 the conversation.

00:05:50.960 Um,

00:05:52.080 someone has to say

00:05:52.740 this isn't moving out

00:05:53.720 or I'm moving out

00:05:54.760 or we're,

00:05:55.660 we're,

00:05:56.020 this isn't working.

00:05:58.200 Let's take some time apart.

00:05:59.300 I guess the guy would,

00:06:00.340 he would say it

00:06:01.380 more than I would,

00:06:02.640 but then it's,

00:06:03.420 it's more because I would,

00:06:05.480 yeah,

00:06:06.280 I guess he would say it.

00:06:07.460 He would say it as that

00:06:08.220 I can't take it.

00:06:08.880 Was it your argument?

00:06:09.380 So it was his choice?

00:06:11.320 Yeah.

00:06:11.860 Okay.

00:06:12.560 Yeah.

00:06:12.900 That's abnormal.

00:06:13.620 Usually it's like

00:06:14.200 the other way around.

00:06:14.900 Yeah,

00:06:15.080 no,

00:06:15.420 no,

00:06:15.660 I guess it was his choice,

00:06:16.520 but it's more,

00:06:17.720 I think,

00:06:18.160 um,

00:06:18.600 obviously where we had

00:06:19.260 a child involved,

00:06:19.940 it was a lot harder

00:06:20.880 because we couldn't get

00:06:22.620 the right grieving

00:06:23.500 or time apart

00:06:24.580 that we would have had to

00:06:25.640 because it's almost like

00:06:26.720 we had an argument

00:06:27.300 the day before

00:06:28.060 and then because of my daughter

00:06:29.560 we'll have to now

00:06:30.220 stay in communication.

00:06:31.820 Um,

00:06:32.020 I think the time,

00:06:32.980 the COVID time

00:06:33.540 really helped

00:06:34.080 sort of put that aside.

00:06:35.460 Do you think like

00:06:36.380 if you called him tomorrow

00:06:37.500 and said like

00:06:38.100 I want to work this out

00:06:39.020 let's move back in together

00:06:40.260 he would do it?

00:06:41.420 Not yet.

00:06:42.300 Not yet.

00:06:42.780 I think,

00:06:43.440 and he's also agreed

00:06:44.600 in a few years

00:06:45.420 potentially it's more likely

00:06:47.160 whereas I think

00:06:48.300 he isn't where he wants to be

00:06:49.860 and he knows

00:06:50.780 that I'm not where I want to be

00:06:51.720 and I think

00:06:52.000 one of the biggest things

00:06:52.920 is because when we did break up

00:06:54.080 I never had

00:06:54.840 a hot girl summer

00:06:56.360 let's say

00:06:56.800 like I've never experienced that

00:06:57.900 I came from a culture

00:06:58.700 where we didn't really

00:06:59.520 go out the house.

00:07:00.040 I'm not trying to be rude

00:07:00.940 but didn't you just say

00:07:02.420 you were at Carnival

00:07:03.520 before the podcast?

00:07:04.880 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:07:05.280 No, so that's what I mean.

00:07:06.760 So I never really experienced

00:07:08.740 I never experienced

00:07:10.080 that sort of dating

00:07:11.000 or casual dating

00:07:11.920 or even like

00:07:12.560 you know

00:07:13.060 so when I first came out

00:07:14.300 of the relationship

00:07:15.960 I was like

00:07:17.080 okay, yeah

00:07:17.480 let me explore this.

00:07:18.340 I tried online

00:07:18.860 Yeah, I tried online dating

00:07:20.440 it was horrendous.

00:07:21.500 I tried, you know

00:07:22.180 meeting people

00:07:24.520 in real life

00:07:25.080 it was a joke

00:07:26.560 so yeah

00:07:27.320 like I now get to go Carnival

00:07:29.040 as a single person

00:07:30.060 I guess

00:07:30.400 with my friends

00:07:30.920 but again

00:07:31.640 it's not

00:07:31.980 it's just for fun for me

00:07:32.880 it's nothing

00:07:33.440 like nothing

00:07:34.200 there's no guys

00:07:35.540 But these

00:07:35.980 but it's not

00:07:36.600 it's not serious for you

00:07:38.940 but if you're looking at it

00:07:40.360 from a male perspective

00:07:41.660 these are all the flags

00:07:43.160 that say

00:07:43.620 okay, she doesn't want to do this

00:07:44.920 No, but it's not

00:07:45.680 I don't go Carnival

00:07:46.540 to dance on guys

00:07:48.000 I know

00:07:48.300 but it's inevitable

00:07:49.640 like even if you try not to

00:07:51.600 you could be standing there

00:07:52.800 a guy wants to

00:07:53.340 you can't lie

00:07:53.660 and lie on himself

00:07:54.120 You can't leave him

00:07:55.120 you know

00:07:55.580 Yeah, but I'm dash him

00:07:57.100 No, no, I understand

00:07:58.200 but it's inevitable

00:07:59.060 because it's

00:07:59.820 you know

00:08:00.320 when you're in a relationship

00:08:01.680 and there's things that

00:08:03.500 you know

00:08:04.300 you're making

00:08:05.220 okay, let me put it like this

00:08:06.880 from a male's perspective

00:08:08.580 and I'm not a male

00:08:09.600 but look at it like this

00:08:11.100 you're making yourself available

00:08:12.840 for men to approach

00:08:14.700 and it's kind of like

00:08:15.860 your words really aren't

00:08:16.800 matching what you're saying

00:08:17.900 because like

00:08:18.420 you said

00:08:18.960 you're a traditional woman

00:08:19.940 traditional women

00:08:20.580 don't go to Carnival

00:08:21.260 I'm saying like

00:08:22.700 let me finish

00:08:23.960 like my mom

00:08:24.940 my grandma

00:08:25.460 wouldn't be caught dead

00:08:26.320 at Carnival

00:08:26.780 they said they want vibes

00:08:27.860 they're like

00:08:28.200 what are you talking about

00:08:29.560 it doesn't mean like

00:08:33.540 it's not an insult

00:08:34.380 it's just like

00:08:35.020 you can't be

00:08:35.600 I think people are mistaken

00:08:36.680 what Carnival's about

00:08:37.600 because obviously Carnival's more

00:08:38.680 it's a vibe

00:08:39.920 it's more food

00:08:40.800 maybe at one point

00:08:43.560 but I'm sorry

00:08:44.320 you cannot convince me

00:08:45.560 that it's completely cultural

00:08:47.160 when there's girls

00:08:47.780 with their asses

00:08:48.660 out twerking

00:08:49.500 I'm sorry

00:08:50.620 there's people having sex

00:08:51.960 on the street

00:08:52.500 you cannot convince me

00:08:53.860 that this is

00:08:54.600 but I think what the

00:08:55.900 I think what initially

00:08:56.980 Carnival was

00:08:57.860 wasn't this

00:08:58.680 like even this dagger

00:08:59.520 dagger dagger

00:09:00.040 like that's a part

00:09:01.240 of their culture

00:09:01.840 let's say

00:09:02.240 it's not me

00:09:03.160 that's going to be

00:09:03.760 getting dagger

00:09:04.220 I've done Carnival

00:09:08.480 I've taken part

00:09:09.560 and all

00:09:10.300 I've had costumes

00:09:11.100 in England

00:09:11.740 and in Barbados

00:09:13.340 and the safest place

00:09:14.820 if you want to go

00:09:15.980 as a woman

00:09:16.500 is to be inside the band

00:09:18.740 where you're safe

00:09:19.840 not to be out

00:09:20.720 in the crowd

00:09:21.300 not to be out

00:09:22.480 in the crowd

00:09:22.840 and I don't understand

00:09:24.040 when people go

00:09:24.700 and they say

00:09:25.160 oh if you want to go

00:09:26.380 experience Carnival

00:09:27.300 go on Sunday

00:09:27.960 Children's Day

00:09:28.680 go on a Sunday

00:09:30.540 but no decent woman

00:09:31.860 is going to go

00:09:32.320 on a Monday

00:09:32.840 and I was listening

00:09:34.660 to what you're saying

00:09:35.400 and everything felt

00:09:39.260 alright until you said

00:09:40.200 you had a child

00:09:40.880 for me personally

00:09:42.460 because I just think

00:09:43.740 to myself

00:09:44.340 marriage is a hard work

00:09:46.320 yeah it is

00:09:47.160 marriage is a hard work

00:09:48.460 and I think

00:09:49.360 if you've got a child

00:09:50.360 to say like

00:09:51.660 oh we need to go

00:09:53.300 and find ourselves

00:09:54.240 to me it just seems

00:09:55.480 like everything

00:09:56.040 is just going backwards

00:09:57.060 like you're finding out

00:09:59.040 like you got married first

00:10:00.720 rather than find out

00:10:01.700 about each other

00:10:02.360 then get married

00:10:03.040 and have the child

00:10:03.720 what I'm thinking about

00:10:04.880 is yeah you might be

00:10:05.460 great co-parents

00:10:06.280 what I'm thinking to myself

00:10:07.500 is marriage is hard work

00:10:10.260 yeah it is

00:10:10.880 and it's ongoing

00:10:12.100 to say like

00:10:13.100 I'm going to come back

00:10:14.260 and revisit it

00:10:15.040 in another five years

00:10:16.160 to me

00:10:16.880 me personally

00:10:18.820 it sounds weird

00:10:19.500 you're giving up

00:10:20.680 you're giving up

00:10:21.540 on your marriage

00:10:22.220 can I say what

00:10:23.140 sounds so interesting

00:10:23.920 especially as you're traditional

00:10:24.900 you're supposed to work at it

00:10:27.000 no but like I said

00:10:27.780 it wasn't my choice

00:10:28.640 do you get what I mean

00:10:29.360 it wasn't my choice

00:10:30.220 so obviously

00:10:30.860 it's not my choice

00:10:32.260 that he feels like

00:10:33.780 he's not ready to commit

00:10:35.500 into that role again

00:10:37.440 and that's what I mean

00:10:38.200 that you married him

00:10:39.000 and that's what I was saying

00:10:39.940 that it seems weird

00:10:40.680 because you married him

00:10:41.620 and then you're starting

00:10:42.880 backwards

00:10:44.360 so what I'm saying is

00:10:46.340 obviously in my situation

00:10:47.620 I could try to find

00:10:48.660 a new partner

00:10:49.380 or husband

00:10:50.200 or whatever to marry

00:10:51.340 it's just this country

00:10:53.040 I don't think

00:10:53.780 enables that

00:10:55.300 does that make sense

00:10:56.060 everyone's trying to be

00:10:57.440 city girl or city life

00:10:58.640 and that doesn't

00:10:59.200 it's not something

00:11:00.040 that I would do

00:11:00.820 so I feel like

00:11:02.200 in this culture

00:11:03.460 in this society

00:11:04.160 I'm not going to find

00:11:05.020 the man I want to marry

00:11:06.220 and when I say

00:11:07.880 three years

00:11:08.440 I say three, four years

00:11:09.320 it could be even next year

00:11:10.340 whatever

00:11:10.560 but it's more

00:11:11.600 if he's ready

00:11:12.300 when he's ready

00:11:12.840 where he is

00:11:13.500 I might be at the stage

00:11:15.080 where we're ready

00:11:15.660 to work it out again

00:11:16.500 that's what I find

00:11:17.880 interesting

00:11:18.340 you know

00:11:19.380 also

00:11:20.260 can I just

00:11:20.820 sorry

00:11:21.100 I just wanted to add

00:11:23.340 like

00:11:23.740 listening to the whole story

00:11:25.800 like auntie said

00:11:26.940 it's like

00:11:27.820 it's worked backwards

00:11:29.260 so

00:11:29.660 within everything

00:11:31.000 you've said

00:11:31.580 not once

00:11:32.400 have I heard anything

00:11:33.240 about

00:11:33.660 like

00:11:34.460 your child

00:11:35.240 how this impacts

00:11:36.460 your child

00:11:37.120 and I'm not judging

00:11:38.780 you for that

00:11:39.520 but

00:11:39.800 that child

00:11:41.100 has to live

00:11:42.340 through it

00:11:42.880 and how does

00:11:43.700 that affect

00:11:44.360 I don't know

00:11:45.420 my daughter doesn't

00:11:45.960 know any different

00:11:46.720 I know

00:11:47.220 but that's

00:11:47.720 she doesn't know

00:11:48.420 that we're separated

00:11:49.200 but how

00:11:50.440 no no no

00:11:51.620 but the thing is

00:11:52.900 the thing is

00:11:53.440 that's an assumption

00:11:54.540 as your daughter

00:11:55.720 gets older

00:11:56.680 she will notice

00:11:57.760 little things

00:11:58.400 she will ask

00:11:59.100 questions

00:11:59.720 and I think

00:12:00.880 a lot of

00:12:01.780 relationship

00:12:03.260 breakdowns

00:12:04.040 don't ever

00:12:04.560 consider

00:12:05.020 the children

00:12:05.980 the children

00:12:06.480 children don't

00:12:07.500 choose to be here

00:12:08.340 we bring them here

00:12:09.120 as adults

00:12:09.760 and part of being

00:12:11.000 an adult

00:12:11.420 is being responsible

00:12:12.680 and part of being

00:12:13.900 responsible

00:12:14.380 is making good

00:12:15.500 choices

00:12:15.940 and making

00:12:16.780 informed decisions

00:12:17.920 about the things

00:12:19.280 that we do

00:12:20.280 so I'm not

00:12:21.400 saying like

00:12:22.260 your relationship

00:12:23.160 is this or that

00:12:23.980 but what I am

00:12:24.700 saying is

00:12:25.280 a lot of the time

00:12:26.700 children are

00:12:29.480 kind of pushed

00:12:30.240 to the side

00:12:30.840 and it's

00:12:31.580 me me me me

00:12:32.620 me

00:12:32.920 even within

00:12:33.700 the partnership

00:12:34.340 that's why

00:12:34.780 it doesn't work

00:12:35.440 because everybody

00:12:36.420 is thinking about

00:12:37.180 themselves

00:12:37.660 finding themselves

00:12:38.840 doing their thing

00:12:40.240 you know

00:12:41.600 exploring themselves

00:12:42.580 whatever

00:12:43.060 children are growing

00:12:44.880 up in fragmented

00:12:46.100 families

00:12:46.700 and then they

00:12:48.000 have no direction

00:12:48.980 no

00:12:49.380 they might have

00:12:50.380 a foundation

00:12:51.040 but they don't

00:12:51.680 have any direction

00:12:52.660 yeah

00:12:53.260 can I add to the

00:12:54.000 conversation

00:12:54.500 I think

00:12:55.040 I think

00:12:55.520 okay

00:12:56.800 this conversation

00:12:57.760 is so interesting

00:12:58.400 because I feel like

00:12:59.160 yeah

00:12:59.460 it feels as if

00:13:01.000 like

00:13:01.360 we're putting

00:13:02.180 the onus

00:13:02.820 just on her

00:13:04.300 so her

00:13:05.600 not what her

00:13:06.200 saying

00:13:06.560 sorry

00:13:06.840 not her

00:13:07.380 sorry

00:13:07.520 Soraya

00:13:07.880 saying that

00:13:08.860 she wants to

00:13:09.640 that the time

00:13:11.000 apart is needed

00:13:11.740 yeah

00:13:12.300 he also feels

00:13:13.100 the exact same

00:13:13.780 thing that

00:13:14.400 she's feeling

00:13:15.000 so he also

00:13:15.920 needs to

00:13:16.540 take time

00:13:16.940 apart

00:13:17.080 I do

00:13:17.420 I do think

00:13:18.160 that a lot

00:13:18.580 of people

00:13:18.860 sometimes get

00:13:20.060 into relationships

00:13:20.620 and they've

00:13:21.040 got like a

00:13:21.640 me mindset

00:13:22.700 and that will

00:13:23.480 not help

00:13:24.180 relationships

00:13:24.740 but I

00:13:25.760 really believe

00:13:26.980 that there

00:13:27.840 are certain

00:13:28.340 things

00:13:28.860 you need to

00:13:29.620 work on

00:13:30.140 on your own

00:13:30.880 before you

00:13:31.760 can then

00:13:32.240 be in

00:13:32.740 you can then

00:13:33.320 come together

00:13:33.740 with someone

00:13:34.040 and build a

00:13:34.380 healthy relationship

00:13:35.260 when you've got a child

00:13:36.000 sorry let me

00:13:37.360 let me just finish

00:13:38.240 for example

00:13:39.240 yeah

00:13:39.500 say like

00:13:40.180 say

00:13:40.520 for example

00:13:41.400 say you've got

00:13:41.800 like the things

00:13:42.340 you've been through

00:13:42.700 previous partners

00:13:43.580 or whatever

00:13:43.920 if you do not

00:13:44.980 work on that

00:13:45.540 on your own

00:13:46.080 you're going to

00:13:46.960 enter a new

00:13:47.440 relationship

00:13:47.880 and you're

00:13:48.940 going to bring

00:13:49.380 up all that

00:13:49.940 baggage

00:13:50.420 into this

00:13:51.200 new situation

00:13:51.980 it doesn't

00:13:52.720 help you

00:13:53.160 it doesn't

00:13:53.480 help the

00:13:53.720 child

00:13:53.940 I don't

00:13:54.580 like when

00:13:54.940 people think

00:13:55.700 that yes

00:13:56.660 children are

00:13:57.120 important

00:13:57.500 yes you do

00:13:58.180 whatever works

00:13:58.680 for your child

00:13:59.560 but I have

00:14:00.440 friends who

00:14:00.940 grown up

00:14:01.480 where the

00:14:01.880 moms have

00:14:02.240 stayed with

00:14:02.520 the dads

00:14:02.900 because they

00:14:03.740 stay for the

00:14:04.180 kids

00:14:04.440 and the kids

00:14:05.220 have grown up

00:14:05.620 and said

00:14:05.880 you know

00:14:06.080 I wish you

00:14:06.540 left dad

00:14:06.880 because you

00:14:07.420 could have

00:14:08.640 gone and

00:14:09.000 been a

00:14:09.280 healthy woman

00:14:10.820 who sorted

00:14:11.840 out her life

00:14:13.060 and been in a

00:14:13.900 better place

00:14:14.260 the mom

00:14:15.520 talks too

00:14:16.140 much

00:14:16.340 to the

00:14:16.640 kids

00:14:16.880 you

00:14:17.040 shouldn't

00:14:17.320 know

00:14:17.480 about

00:14:17.660 your

00:14:17.780 parents

00:14:18.080 no

00:14:20.020 I

00:14:20.900 see this

00:14:21.540 again

00:14:21.820 and again

00:14:22.200 and again

00:14:22.540 like moms

00:14:23.140 moms will

00:14:23.660 demonize

00:14:24.180 the dad

00:14:24.580 and like

00:14:24.860 talk shit

00:14:25.320 about the

00:14:25.700 dad

00:14:25.940 and then

00:14:26.260 say oh

00:14:27.360 you should

00:14:27.720 like why

00:14:28.100 does a

00:14:28.560 kid know

00:14:28.900 that

00:14:29.200 the kid

00:14:30.120 should not

00:14:30.500 know

00:14:30.680 that

00:14:31.000 and the

00:14:32.400 second

00:14:32.600 thing

00:14:33.420 is

00:14:33.600 I don't

00:14:34.240 know

00:14:34.400 her

00:14:34.580 marriage

00:14:34.900 I'm

00:14:35.280 not saying

00:14:35.680 it's

00:14:35.800 not his

00:14:36.100 fault

00:14:36.340 too

00:14:36.740 I said

00:14:37.080 the

00:14:38.560 marriage

00:14:38.920 yeah

00:14:39.140 but I'm

00:14:39.500 saying

00:14:39.720 like

00:14:39.980 for both

00:14:41.360 people

00:14:41.840 like

00:14:42.360 if you

00:14:42.700 have a kid

00:14:44.260 you need to

00:14:44.780 figure out

00:14:45.180 yourself

00:14:45.460 figure it

00:14:45.860 out

00:14:45.960 under one

00:14:46.660 roof

00:14:47.100 I disagree

00:14:47.820 with that

00:14:49.780 because

00:14:50.060 I have

00:14:50.880 again

00:14:51.300 what I'm

00:14:52.540 saying

00:14:52.800 is

00:14:53.100 stuff

00:14:53.340 that

00:14:53.500 conversations

00:14:53.880 I've had

00:14:54.180 with people

00:14:54.480 who have

00:14:54.800 actually been

00:14:55.240 in these

00:14:55.680 real life

00:14:56.680 situations

00:14:57.160 I know

00:14:58.360 I have

00:14:58.820 friends

00:14:59.080 whose moms

00:14:59.700 literally

00:15:00.360 did not

00:15:00.700 let them

00:15:01.120 know

00:15:01.380 what piece

00:15:03.000 of shit

00:15:03.200 their dad

00:15:03.480 was

00:15:03.720 they grew

00:15:04.620 up to

00:15:05.060 see what

00:15:05.540 disappointment

00:15:05.960 their father

00:15:06.400 was

00:15:06.700 and they

00:15:07.340 were like

00:15:07.540 to the

00:15:07.680 mom

00:15:07.780 do you

00:15:07.920 know

00:15:08.020 why

00:15:08.140 I

00:15:08.180 wish

00:15:08.340 you

00:15:08.420 left

00:15:08.720 I

00:15:09.160 think

00:15:09.400 that

00:15:09.580 yes

00:15:09.780 you

00:15:09.980 should

00:15:10.180 create

00:15:13.540 the best

00:15:14.000 environment

00:15:14.400 for your

00:15:14.720 child

00:15:14.920 all that

00:15:15.920 is great

00:15:16.280 absolutely

00:15:16.720 yes

00:15:17.180 cool

00:15:17.700 whatever

00:15:18.100 but sometimes

00:15:19.340 being in the

00:15:20.600 same household

00:15:21.120 is not the

00:15:21.700 best environment

00:15:22.160 for your child

00:15:22.580 you put

00:15:23.340 every single

00:15:24.260 statistical

00:15:24.920 disadvantage

00:15:25.580 they're more

00:15:25.960 likely to run

00:15:26.460 away from

00:15:26.840 home

00:15:27.180 they're more

00:15:27.500 likely to drop

00:15:28.040 out of school

00:15:28.520 they're more

00:15:28.860 likely to be

00:15:29.320 homeless

00:15:29.700 they're more

00:15:30.020 likely to end

00:15:30.780 up in prison

00:15:31.260 there's a direct

00:15:31.800 correlation between

00:15:32.540 single parent homes

00:15:33.340 and going to

00:15:34.140 prison

00:15:34.520 so you can

00:15:36.600 say okay

00:15:38.300 you know

00:15:39.300 there are certain

00:15:40.500 situations that are

00:15:41.500 exceptions

00:15:42.000 sure

00:15:42.780 but if there's

00:15:43.520 not abuse

00:15:44.180 there's not

00:15:44.600 cheating

00:15:45.020 why are you

00:15:46.920 why are you

00:15:47.400 doing that to

00:15:47.940 your kid

00:15:48.440 you're supposed

00:15:48.880 to put your

00:15:49.380 kid first

00:15:49.940 go ahead

00:15:50.260 how many

00:15:51.440 parents on the

00:15:52.100 panel

00:15:52.340 well I just

00:15:55.940 wanted to say

00:15:56.500 this as well

00:15:57.220 to go back

00:15:58.140 to what you

00:15:58.680 said when

00:15:59.120 you said

00:15:59.540 you know

00:16:00.020 people you've

00:16:00.520 spoken to

00:16:01.140 have said

00:16:01.600 now I wish

00:16:02.800 you had left

00:16:03.300 dad

00:16:03.620 or whatever

00:16:04.620 I wish

00:16:05.620 you would

00:16:06.360 have left

00:16:06.820 dad

00:16:07.160 yeah or

00:16:07.860 separated

00:16:08.300 that means

00:16:09.040 that there

00:16:09.400 were things

00:16:09.860 that were

00:16:10.160 going on

00:16:10.920 yeah

00:16:11.420 that they

00:16:12.080 could see

00:16:12.600 and feel

00:16:13.160 and experience

00:16:14.200 now how

00:16:15.700 do they know

00:16:16.300 what it would

00:16:16.800 have been like

00:16:17.440 without having

00:16:18.300 their dad

00:16:18.680 in the household

00:16:19.360 I think it's

00:16:20.360 fair for

00:16:20.940 children to

00:16:21.580 grow up to

00:16:22.120 make their

00:16:22.460 own decisions

00:16:23.100 about especially

00:16:24.320 their fathers

00:16:25.040 because I feel

00:16:25.840 in society

00:16:26.760 as women we

00:16:27.940 make a lot of

00:16:28.680 decisions for

00:16:29.380 our children

00:16:30.040 based on how

00:16:30.840 we feel

00:16:31.520 at the time

00:16:32.540 and we put

00:16:33.600 our children

00:16:34.100 at a disadvantage

00:16:35.020 and I think

00:16:37.240 for myself

00:16:38.020 I always say

00:16:38.920 this but my

00:16:39.480 dad

00:16:39.900 the things

00:16:41.360 that he's

00:16:41.760 done for

00:16:42.060 me

00:16:42.140 I'm not

00:16:42.380 saying all

00:16:42.740 dads are

00:16:43.040 perfect

00:16:43.320 my dad's

00:16:43.720 not a

00:16:44.020 perfect man

00:16:44.640 but there's

00:16:45.280 things my

00:16:45.720 dad has

00:16:46.080 done for

00:16:46.540 me that

00:16:47.220 have given

00:16:47.640 me strength

00:16:48.740 inner strength

00:16:49.540 that I can't

00:16:50.420 explain to you

00:16:51.180 I can only

00:16:51.740 show you the

00:16:52.520 way that I

00:16:53.060 operate

00:16:53.560 so for you

00:16:55.660 to say like

00:16:56.460 they've said

00:16:57.260 why can't

00:16:58.220 why didn't

00:16:58.640 you leave

00:16:59.140 dad

00:16:59.600 there must

00:17:00.180 have been

00:17:00.500 something in

00:17:01.440 the household

00:17:02.340 that they

00:17:02.880 were experiencing

00:17:03.740 my mum would

00:17:06.580 always tell me

00:17:07.420 as a basic

00:17:08.220 rule

00:17:08.540 when you're

00:17:09.460 raising kids

00:17:10.120 they never

00:17:11.000 see anything

00:17:11.520 that goes on

00:17:12.060 whether it's

00:17:12.380 decision making

00:17:13.040 whether it's

00:17:13.540 fighting

00:17:13.860 nothing happens

00:17:14.780 in front of

00:17:15.060 the kids

00:17:15.320 and I brought

00:17:15.640 this point up

00:17:16.080 before when I

00:17:17.040 talked about

00:17:17.520 women having

00:17:18.140 or losing

00:17:18.580 their power

00:17:19.060 because a lot

00:17:20.000 of women

00:17:20.240 want to be

00:17:20.620 at the forefront

00:17:21.000 of relationships

00:17:21.620 now where they

00:17:22.120 dictate things

00:17:22.800 my mum said

00:17:23.620 a lot of the

00:17:24.180 decisions made

00:17:24.640 in the household

00:17:25.240 my dad looked

00:17:25.960 like he was

00:17:26.260 making a decision

00:17:26.860 when really

00:17:27.840 she had a lot

00:17:28.280 of influence

00:17:28.740 in how the

00:17:29.220 decision was made

00:17:29.980 that's not

00:17:30.480 because she

00:17:31.060 wanted to be

00:17:31.540 at the front

00:17:32.160 it's because

00:17:32.500 she knew how

00:17:33.120 to play her

00:17:33.620 role in that

00:17:34.020 relationship

00:17:34.540 when my parents

00:17:35.420 did fight

00:17:35.860 it was never

00:17:36.420 in front of us

00:17:37.000 because what

00:17:37.560 would happen

00:17:37.880 is that

00:17:38.200 kids are

00:17:38.860 opportunists

00:17:39.360 they're going

00:17:39.600 to have

00:17:39.800 favourites

00:17:40.260 if you see

00:17:40.880 your mum

00:17:41.140 fighting your

00:17:41.580 dad

00:17:41.820 most kids

00:17:42.600 will gravitate

00:17:43.000 to their

00:17:43.300 mum

00:17:43.500 your dad

00:17:43.940 naturally

00:17:44.380 becomes a

00:17:44.860 demon

00:17:45.040 in that

00:17:45.600 kid's eyes

00:17:46.280 so parents

00:17:47.680 show too much

00:17:48.400 and women

00:17:48.720 again like

00:17:49.320 Pearl said

00:17:49.700 love to talk

00:17:50.280 a lot

00:17:50.540 they all start

00:17:51.160 saying he's

00:17:51.620 doing this

00:17:52.240 and then you

00:17:52.680 and the kid

00:17:53.000 become best

00:17:53.520 friends and start

00:17:54.040 talking about

00:17:54.540 secrets in the

00:17:55.000 relationship

00:17:55.420 how the hell

00:17:56.620 is that kid

00:17:57.000 not going to

00:17:57.340 grow up

00:17:57.540 thinking the dad

00:17:57.940 was a piece

00:17:58.300 of shit

00:17:58.560 when the mum

00:17:59.480 vocalised every

00:18:00.180 single problem

00:18:00.600 she had

00:18:00.940 like the way

00:18:01.380 she would

00:18:01.620 to her best

00:18:01.980 friends

00:18:02.220 but I also

00:18:03.140 said that

00:18:05.780 the situations

00:18:06.680 that I

00:18:07.080 know cases

00:18:08.320 where the

00:18:09.440 parents

00:18:09.900 they didn't

00:18:10.480 know

00:18:10.780 they grew up

00:18:11.740 to know

00:18:12.520 what had

00:18:13.220 happened

00:18:13.620 in the

00:18:14.120 household

00:18:14.300 my thing

00:18:18.040 is still

00:18:18.500 that I

00:18:19.340 still maintain

00:18:20.020 the fact

00:18:20.500 that there

00:18:21.400 are things

00:18:21.840 that you

00:18:22.060 need to

00:18:22.320 work on

00:18:22.720 by yourself

00:18:23.560 that you

00:18:24.260 cannot do

00:18:24.720 in a

00:18:24.980 relationship

00:18:25.380 and I

00:18:26.020 think that

00:18:26.300 each person

00:18:26.880 each family

00:18:27.480 is a case

00:18:27.860 by case

00:18:28.280 situation

00:18:29.060 not every

00:18:30.340 child

00:18:30.680 it's not

00:18:30.980 a universal

00:18:31.520 law

00:18:31.980 or universal

00:18:32.760 rules

00:18:33.180 or rulebook

00:18:33.860 of how to

00:18:34.560 raise children

00:18:35.120 and so if

00:18:36.020 in any

00:18:36.420 situation

00:18:36.780 you feel

00:18:37.160 like

00:18:37.280 you know

00:18:37.520 what

00:18:37.720 the best

00:18:38.420 thing

00:18:38.680 for this

00:18:39.160 child

00:18:39.360 knowing how

00:18:39.660 my child

00:18:40.060 is

00:18:40.280 how emotional

00:18:41.040 my child

00:18:41.300 is

00:18:41.400 or whatever

00:18:41.720 it is

00:18:42.020 the best

00:18:42.580 thing

00:18:42.740 for my

00:18:43.040 child

00:18:43.340 is

00:18:44.100 that we

00:18:44.780 go

00:18:44.960 and we

00:18:46.120 can be

00:18:46.480 healthy

00:18:47.060 parents

00:18:47.700 and it's

00:18:48.600 a healthy

00:18:48.940 father for

00:18:49.340 the child

00:18:49.620 don't you

00:18:50.700 think it's

00:18:52.100 more mature

00:18:52.660 to say

00:18:53.160 I'm going

00:18:54.120 to figure

00:18:54.400 out how to

00:18:54.900 get along

00:18:55.320 with a

00:18:55.640 man

00:18:55.920 before

00:18:56.480 just breaking

00:18:58.180 up

00:18:58.380 the

00:18:58.520 question

00:19:00.460 was your

00:19:01.080 child's

00:19:01.440 life ever

00:19:01.840 in danger

00:19:02.340 no

00:19:03.240 okay

00:19:04.080 so I

00:19:05.120 think

00:19:05.300 the way

00:19:06.800 I'm seeing

00:19:07.220 this

00:19:07.460 you

00:19:08.140 sounded

00:19:08.880 I'm not

00:19:09.540 saying it's

00:19:09.880 just you

00:19:10.400 I'm saying

00:19:11.040 that both

00:19:11.920 of you

00:19:12.280 should have

00:19:12.620 worked on

00:19:13.080 it

00:19:13.240 okay

00:19:13.500 like what

00:19:15.320 you're saying

00:19:15.740 about

00:19:16.040 I won't

00:19:17.080 say that

00:19:17.340 my son's

00:19:18.040 dad was

00:19:18.860 abusive

00:19:19.260 I never

00:19:20.140 ever said

00:19:20.700 anything

00:19:20.960 bad

00:19:21.440 about my

00:19:22.060 son's

00:19:22.380 dad

00:19:22.600 and you

00:19:23.640 see lots

00:19:24.040 of parents

00:19:24.340 oh you're

00:19:24.740 just like

00:19:25.080 your father

00:19:25.600 I remember

00:19:26.420 being in

00:19:26.780 the supermarket

00:19:27.400 with my

00:19:27.780 son and

00:19:28.760 he was

00:19:28.960 messing

00:19:29.180 about and

00:19:29.620 I said

00:19:29.860 to him

00:19:30.180 do you

00:19:31.100 know what

00:19:31.360 you're just

00:19:31.800 like your

00:19:32.120 mother

00:19:32.360 you're just

00:19:33.500 like your

00:19:33.800 mother I

00:19:34.140 don't know

00:19:34.360 why I brought

00:19:34.800 you out and

00:19:35.180 this woman

00:19:35.500 stopped and

00:19:35.980 said oh

00:19:37.100 if his

00:19:37.940 mother was

00:19:38.380 here you

00:19:39.020 know you

00:19:39.480 shouldn't be

00:19:39.760 talking to

00:19:40.180 him like

00:19:40.440 that and

00:19:41.160 he looked

00:19:41.500 at me and

00:19:41.820 I started

00:19:42.540 laughing because

00:19:43.520 I have never

00:19:44.380 ever said to

00:19:45.020 him you're

00:19:45.680 just like

00:19:45.980 your father

00:19:46.360 and sometimes

00:19:47.700 people sit

00:19:48.820 there and

00:19:49.560 they don't

00:19:49.920 realise that

00:19:50.720 there's sign

00:19:52.160 language there's

00:19:52.900 body language

00:19:53.640 there's feelings

00:19:54.380 children will

00:19:55.280 pick up these

00:19:55.880 things some

00:19:56.780 people need to

00:19:57.520 be apart but

00:19:58.240 by what you're

00:19:58.980 saying and

00:20:00.040 how religious

00:20:01.040 you are and

00:20:02.180 the fact that

00:20:02.700 you are married

00:20:03.580 and the fact that

00:20:04.540 you both know

00:20:05.180 that you need to

00:20:05.780 grow and the

00:20:06.640 fact that you

00:20:07.240 know the

00:20:07.640 child's life

00:20:08.240 wasn't in

00:20:08.760 danger the

00:20:09.600 way I'm

00:20:09.940 seeing is

00:20:10.320 that what

00:20:10.940 have separate

00:20:11.940 rooms have

00:20:12.860 separate rooms

00:20:13.480 in the same

00:20:14.020 house and

00:20:14.940 work out your

00:20:15.480 differences because

00:20:16.640 at least the

00:20:17.220 child if you're

00:20:18.360 adult enough to

00:20:19.320 come this far

00:20:20.100 and when

00:20:20.820 you're talking

00:20:21.120 about the

00:20:21.340 trauma from

00:20:21.820 the previous

00:20:22.200 relationship that's

00:20:23.360 why I ask her

00:20:23.960 how she had

00:20:24.560 treatment for

00:20:25.020 her trauma rather

00:20:25.960 than pass it

00:20:26.560 on so you're

00:20:27.580 going to get

00:20:27.840 back together

00:20:28.280 with your

00:20:28.520 husband you're

00:20:29.340 not going to

00:20:29.660 have this

00:20:30.000 trauma from

00:20:30.500 previous

00:20:30.860 relationship and

00:20:32.300 you're quite

00:20:33.220 vocal and one

00:20:34.520 thing that you

00:20:34.940 said that I

00:20:35.940 haven't seen you

00:20:36.420 say going to

00:20:36.760 do is like come

00:20:37.460 off social media

00:20:38.240 don't be influenced

00:20:39.340 by it but it

00:20:40.320 sounds like social

00:20:41.040 media had a big

00:20:41.820 part of it and

00:20:42.800 the way you

00:20:43.300 thought marriages

00:20:44.220 should be so

00:20:45.200 now you know

00:20:45.600 marriages are not

00:20:46.360 like that then

00:20:47.520 no so okay let

00:20:49.620 me just clarify I

00:20:50.400 think there's a

00:20:50.820 lot of speculations

00:20:51.860 or something so

00:20:53.040 yeah so when I

00:20:55.280 initially okay so

00:20:58.780 before I got

00:20:59.840 pregnant let's say

00:21:00.980 oh no actually

00:21:01.720 yeah before I got

00:21:02.700 pregnant is when

00:21:04.040 we first had

00:21:04.960 conversations about

00:21:06.440 him feeling like he

00:21:08.520 settled down a bit

00:21:09.300 too young right

00:21:10.460 now that gave me

00:21:11.840 red flags in the

00:21:12.740 sense that I felt

00:21:13.500 like that to me

00:21:14.540 meant he wants to

00:21:15.880 be out on the

00:21:16.500 streets does that

00:21:17.440 make sense so

00:21:18.260 when I say I

00:21:18.840 didn't I didn't

00:21:19.500 I took that

00:21:20.020 trauma in that

00:21:20.640 was the first

00:21:21.240 initial year of

00:21:23.320 meeting him let's

00:21:24.080 say and all of

00:21:25.400 that it that sort

00:21:26.700 of came in it's

00:21:27.500 only when I got

00:21:28.160 pregnant and then

00:21:29.940 I said to him like

00:21:31.620 even then I found

00:21:33.120 it quite hard to

00:21:33.980 swallow assuming

00:21:35.200 that he might want

00:21:36.180 other women because

00:21:37.200 at that point even

00:21:38.060 though I came from

00:21:38.640 polygynous

00:21:39.660 household I

00:21:41.000 couldn't accept my

00:21:41.960 man being with

00:21:42.680 other women and

00:21:43.720 that's when I say

00:21:44.500 social media impacted

00:21:45.680 me where it said

00:21:47.100 to me especially

00:21:48.600 then times it was

00:21:49.820 like oh men can't

00:21:50.820 cheat if men cheat

00:21:51.540 they're trash leave

00:21:52.280 them all of that

00:21:53.000 blah blah blah right

00:21:53.960 so obviously when I

00:21:55.380 after my daughter was

00:21:56.780 born a couple of

00:21:58.800 years later it we

00:22:00.400 revisited it but it

00:22:01.740 wasn't in the sense

00:22:02.540 that oh I'm going to

00:22:04.060 be with other women

00:22:05.320 it was more him

00:22:06.600 expressing that what

00:22:08.180 if he can't stay

00:22:09.200 faithful to one

00:22:10.140 person for the rest

00:22:11.020 of his life now to

00:22:12.840 me again I was still

00:22:14.420 young I was only like

00:22:15.480 24 25 at that time

00:22:17.000 for me again it was

00:22:18.320 like what do you

00:22:19.080 mean that means

00:22:19.740 you're going to

00:22:20.060 cheat right

00:22:20.680 so it's almost like

00:22:22.560 okay fine if you're

00:22:23.560 going to cheat then I

00:22:24.280 don't want to be with

00:22:25.120 you so we separated

00:22:26.880 because for me I

00:22:28.040 couldn't swallow the

00:22:29.320 fact that he might in

00:22:30.520 the future want to be

00:22:31.360 with other people

00:22:31.980 so you left I

00:22:34.160 thought you said he

00:22:34.720 left so well the

00:22:36.040 relationship got to a

00:22:37.060 point where we were

00:22:37.740 arguing or I was

00:22:39.240 being toxic or unhappy

00:22:40.900 so he was like I

00:22:42.080 can't do this right

00:22:43.000 so obviously we

00:22:43.720 separated after we

00:22:45.180 separated cool we've

00:22:46.140 done our we've gone

00:22:47.040 our separate way

00:22:47.660 again when I say

00:22:48.560 finding myself I'm

00:22:49.400 not talking about

00:22:50.040 exploring other

00:22:50.840 people or bodies I'm

00:22:52.240 talking about revisiting

00:22:53.860 what who I am and

00:22:55.020 my cause well and I

00:22:56.000 understand that but

00:22:57.060 like when you you

00:22:57.820 were talking about

00:22:58.680 earlier because a lot

00:22:59.560 of the things we're

00:23:00.120 saying we're just

00:23:00.740 saying what you said

00:23:01.540 back to you so like

00:23:03.340 earlier you said you

00:23:04.320 did the dating apps

00:23:05.280 you you were going on

00:23:06.280 dates you went to

00:23:07.080 carnival and like that

00:23:08.620 that sounds like and I

00:23:10.380 think that's where again

00:23:11.640 a lot of my like the

00:23:13.360 society will impact you

00:23:14.820 because again people in

00:23:16.160 my ear oh you're young

00:23:17.260 you're this girl why

00:23:18.100 not date I had to then

00:23:19.400 ask myself I've got a

00:23:20.600 child I could date

00:23:21.780 another guy is he going

00:23:22.700 to treat my child the

00:23:23.520 same as her dad is he

00:23:24.900 going to love me is he

00:23:25.560 not going to cheat on

00:23:26.220 me and then I have to

00:23:27.260 say actually I can't

00:23:28.400 guarantee that so that's

00:23:29.560 why I haven't dated or

00:23:30.560 moved on

00:23:31.020 so like so how old

00:23:38.400 your child five six

00:23:39.620 nearly six so you're

00:23:41.480 you're not going to be

00:23:42.100 with the dad you think

00:23:42.880 okay I'm going to start

00:23:43.680 dating another guy you

00:23:45.180 would at least wait you

00:23:46.320 know a good year before

00:23:48.380 you know they're really in

00:23:49.820 the child's life I have

00:23:50.840 two children and obviously

00:23:53.820 I'm not not with the dad

00:23:55.080 and whatever and I've had

00:23:57.160 like maybe I've dated one

00:23:59.420 guy since didn't meet my

00:24:01.060 kids didn't speak to my

00:24:02.380 kids like he knew their

00:24:03.920 names that was it because

00:24:05.600 I'm not going to fetch a

00:24:06.500 guy into their life just to

00:24:07.720 be temporary so I think

00:24:09.280 when when you speak like

00:24:10.860 that you you do need to

00:24:12.000 know that they're going to

00:24:12.760 be there but even that so

00:24:14.500 for me I again I date with

00:24:16.920 intention but even that

00:24:18.320 dating with intention is

00:24:19.460 still very different in my

00:24:20.760 culture because in my

00:24:21.480 culture we get married very

00:24:22.880 quick to meeting people

00:24:24.020 like I'm not in that

00:24:26.080 culture but I I do I date

00:24:28.540 to marry that's what I

00:24:30.200 personally would like to

00:24:31.420 do you know I wouldn't

00:24:33.420 have chosen to have kids

00:24:34.580 this young if I'd planned

00:24:35.580 it and obviously I don't

00:24:36.580 regret them but I would

00:24:38.120 still try to be as

00:24:39.320 traditional as I could

00:24:40.580 um but I think it is it's

00:24:43.460 harder in this generation

00:24:44.580 and you've just got to be a

00:24:45.900 lot more careful

00:24:46.820 and I think that's

00:24:48.360 I had my son at 17

00:24:50.540 that made me grow up

00:24:52.440 yes I had my son at 18

00:24:54.320 it wasn't it wasn't that I

00:24:55.640 was going to say oh I was

00:24:57.200 too young you know

00:24:58.780 shit happens you do with it

00:25:00.800 just get on with it

00:25:01.680 and not once did I think to

00:25:03.440 myself yeah I'm a single

00:25:04.600 parent I'm going to start

00:25:05.700 dating didn't think about

00:25:07.200 that at all it was just

00:25:08.620 concentrate on my child I

00:25:10.420 didn't even think consider

00:25:11.980 dating at all but that's

00:25:13.280 what I'm saying that's what

00:25:14.020 I did yeah that's what I'm

00:25:15.340 doing yeah like I'm not

00:25:16.700 considering dating that I

00:25:17.820 said I'm not even mingling

00:25:18.660 with people I'm not

00:25:19.440 intending if if I met

00:25:21.260 someone and I thought

00:25:22.120 organically and I thought

00:25:23.580 oh my god they blow my

00:25:24.620 mind that's one thing

00:25:25.440 you're not looking for it

00:25:26.640 but you know well it's just

00:25:27.520 okay when you say that and

00:25:28.780 then earlier you said you're

00:25:30.020 on dating apps it kind of

00:25:31.320 it was just it was just

00:25:32.500 the initial breakup obviously

00:25:34.040 when you're in your feelings

00:25:34.940 and you're broken up and my

00:25:36.180 friends are like oh you're

00:25:36.860 single because I haven't

00:25:37.720 ever been single yeah yeah

00:25:38.960 it was the first time I'm

00:25:39.820 single and women our age

00:25:41.520 were all dating at that

00:25:42.480 time 25 26 they were all

00:25:44.460 trying to date not even with

00:25:46.740 kids there's a lot of single

00:25:47.600 moms trying to date in in our

00:25:49.480 with modern women yeah again

00:25:51.300 that's again what I had to

00:25:52.540 revisit I had to say to

00:25:53.560 myself am I going to find a

00:25:55.180 man who's not going to

00:25:56.220 treat me yeah but you see

00:25:57.800 like how it sounds when you

00:25:59.040 say like your story like

00:26:00.920 keeps contradicting itself

00:26:02.500 like it like I haven't even

00:26:04.720 really asked you like like

00:26:05.920 you've been going on like

00:26:07.020 talking about it and like

00:26:08.340 volunteering this information

00:26:09.580 and then like you keep

00:26:11.080 contradicting yourself and I

00:26:12.600 think the reason is is

00:26:13.620 because I am a clash of

00:26:14.660 cultures so I am very you

00:26:17.000 know obviously I'm

00:26:17.600 Bangladeshi British Muslim and

00:26:19.400 I think the modern side is

00:26:21.340 what is me what I'm

00:26:22.880 fighting against does that

00:26:23.940 make sense so the more I'm

00:26:25.380 realizing actually I'm not

00:26:26.620 this modern woman is the

00:26:27.600 more comfortable I'm getting in

00:26:28.660 who I am I don't I don't

00:26:29.960 think you can really go back

00:26:31.420 like I don't think you can

00:26:33.040 really claim traditional if

00:26:34.360 you're separated from your

00:26:35.380 like your husband it's no

00:26:37.440 when I say traditional I say

00:26:38.540 traditional in my values in

00:26:39.780 my morals not that I'm I'm

00:26:41.280 I'm gonna stick in a marriage

00:26:42.780 that I'm unhappy in because

00:26:43.820 I'm a traditional woman it's

00:26:45.000 more I know what I want for

00:26:46.820 myself and I know that this

00:26:48.360 right but like that rhetoric

00:26:49.880 right there that sounds very

00:26:51.020 modern well can I just say

00:26:52.640 again all I'm hearing is I I

00:26:54.660 I I I I not and I'm not

00:26:57.120 trying to personalize it to

00:26:58.240 you it's just that you're

00:26:58.900 speaking and a lot of the

00:27:00.420 things that have been said

00:27:01.380 today are I based and in

00:27:03.840 relationships in marriage it's

00:27:05.860 about partnership working

00:27:07.720 together and we're not

00:27:09.100 nobody's perfect sometimes

00:27:11.180 sometimes you make mistakes

00:27:13.240 and you have to work through

00:27:15.640 it and with I'm not married I've

00:27:18.460 never been married and I think

00:27:20.500 it's easy for me to talk on it

00:27:22.000 you know from a perspective

00:27:23.740 but when you've got a child

00:27:26.240 involved your feelings

00:27:27.240 involved you know finances

00:27:28.880 involved whatever it might be

00:27:30.060 work involved your friends

00:27:31.740 involved you you have to kind

00:27:34.260 of peel back on all of the

00:27:36.100 factors that influence you and

00:27:38.200 look at the bare bones of the

00:27:39.540 relationship which is you your

00:27:41.660 child and your partner and

00:27:44.020 literally zone in on that and

00:27:47.020 make that your priority

00:27:48.300 wait I've got a question

00:27:49.260 I've got a question quickly just

00:27:50.760 the kind of caveat of it yeah

00:27:52.140 yeah so on that note because

00:27:53.760 you're talking about I do you

00:27:54.960 would you say that the modern

00:27:55.880 woman is selfish then yes

00:27:57.660 because it because society

00:28:00.020 allows that to be the case

00:28:02.460 because it's about what you

00:28:04.560 want is it what the woman

00:28:06.120 wants I don't think that's the

00:28:06.600 case for every woman

00:28:07.580 yeah no no because I've been

00:28:09.580 very selfless in relationships

00:28:11.000 I've got nothing back right

00:28:12.100 exactly yeah but so how can I

00:28:14.260 be selfish no no no but

00:28:15.500 when kids are involved you

00:28:16.400 kind of have to be selfish

00:28:17.380 sorry to cut you off yeah

00:28:18.500 selfish like how though when

00:28:21.640 kids are involved well like

00:28:23.620 your kids are your priority so

00:28:24.840 it's like regardless of what

00:28:25.940 how anybody feels like your

00:28:27.520 child is your priority isn't

00:28:28.780 the priority to stay in that

00:28:29.580 relationship with two parents

00:28:30.600 no my priority is to take

00:28:32.400 care of my child yeah yeah so

00:28:34.380 that's that's being selfless

00:28:36.680 like when you have a kid it's

00:28:38.100 not supposed to be about you

00:28:39.280 anymore it's about your kid

00:28:40.340 your happiness but that's

00:28:41.800 exactly unless you're in like

00:28:43.260 extenuating circumstances where

00:28:44.800 you are getting abused or yeah

00:28:46.460 yeah I'm with you I'm with you

00:28:47.560 on it if your child if your

00:28:49.480 child's in danger yeah I agree

00:28:51.800 yeah but that's not that's not

00:28:52.680 the majority of cases if the

00:28:54.140 child's not in danger you need

00:28:55.320 to try work it out together

00:28:56.800 but that's exactly what like for

00:28:58.600 example my daughter doesn't

00:28:59.880 know we're separate my daughter

00:29:01.480 hasn't experienced anything

00:29:02.640 different when she sees us she

00:29:04.160 sees us very amicable and she

00:29:06.280 she doesn't know anything

00:29:07.540 different so when I say

00:29:08.920 house no we don't live in the

00:29:10.500 same house okay but when I say

00:29:12.800 that when I say I'm putting my

00:29:14.720 daughter first that's the reason

00:29:15.820 why I'm not chasing another man

00:29:17.580 or chasing another relationship

00:29:18.980 because the most beneficial one

00:29:21.020 is me and her father but like

00:29:22.620 so you keep kind of

00:29:24.040 contradicting yourself and you

00:29:25.620 did it again just here there

00:29:26.860 because you said your daughter

00:29:28.300 you don't live in the same house

00:29:29.560 but your daughter doesn't know

00:29:30.560 anything's up yeah she may not at

00:29:33.060 five but she will yeah and when

00:29:35.300 and so and so she might not

00:29:36.940 understand it but you you can't

00:29:38.620 say that it's like she's not

00:29:40.360 going to notice that her dad or

00:29:41.460 her mom isn't in the home no

00:29:43.140 but I'm not saying there's my

00:29:44.820 my dad used to work here while

00:29:46.400 my family were back home my dad

00:29:48.460 wasn't present in their lives

00:29:50.400 every single day and I think

00:29:51.380 that's another big misconception

00:29:52.740 that a parent or a dad has to be

00:29:55.180 at home every single day it's a

00:29:56.700 cultural thing yeah exactly did it

00:29:58.200 affect you and not having him

00:29:59.460 there all the time no no no at

00:30:01.060 all I love my dad like my dad was

00:30:03.260 an amazing man an amazing father

00:30:04.840 figure amazing that's why I can't

00:30:06.320 trash men because I have so much

00:30:07.660 respect for my mom you don't think

00:30:08.640 it would have been better if your dad

00:30:09.740 was there a bit often you spent

00:30:11.360 more time I'm just I'm just

00:30:13.900 thinking about that my dad was gone

00:30:19.100 a lot too and I'd say like it did

00:30:20.580 affect me like I yeah I mean I

00:30:23.560 would have been better if he was

00:30:24.600 there I still love him and I

00:30:25.640 respect him more than anything but

00:30:27.000 like I think it would be dumb to say

00:30:28.680 I didn't want my dad around more

00:30:30.000 do you think it would have changed

00:30:33.100 your perspective on you because you

00:30:34.640 said that you battle being

00:30:36.040 traditional western do you think if

00:30:37.540 your dad was there more that you'd

00:30:38.760 be a lot more traditional than

00:30:39.800 western

00:30:40.080 no I think the problem with me was

00:30:43.260 when I went to uni and I came out

00:30:45.660 of my traditional or my culture

00:30:47.000 the bubble so I think that bubble

00:30:48.880 protected me for so long and I wish

00:30:50.620 I stayed in it a bit longer because

00:30:52.400 the trauma only came when I thought

00:30:54.280 oh let me experience a bit

00:30:55.500 can I just say this do you think

00:30:58.580 your dad being present in your life

00:31:00.460 when you were growing up would help

00:31:02.160 you manage your situation right now

00:31:04.080 with your husband better because he

00:31:06.780 would have been able to advise you

00:31:08.840 or even now I don't know what your

00:31:10.540 relationship is like now but he

00:31:12.340 would be able to guide you or even

00:31:14.440 have an impact on you in a way that

00:31:16.820 would allow you to manage the

00:31:18.420 situation better I don't I feel like

00:31:22.260 I'm managing the situation well

00:31:23.720 compared to what society will tell me

00:31:25.620 because there's a lot of people that

00:31:26.520 will tell me why are you even

00:31:27.700 investing any more time or why are you

00:31:29.360 even allowing this dynamics because a

00:31:31.360 lot of people say oh close book and

00:31:33.580 rush out that's why girls give the

00:31:35.480 worst advice I don't I don't think

00:31:37.680 you could say you're managing it well

00:31:38.980 unless you're still with him can I

00:31:40.120 just know it's it's not you can't

00:31:43.080 it's like when I say that's like

00:31:44.380 that's like that's like getting that's

00:31:45.280 like like failing a test and saying

00:31:46.920 you got no when I say managing it well

00:31:48.880 I'm saying about I'm respecting his

00:31:51.720 values or views in where he is in life

00:31:54.100 I'm respecting that he's not ready to

00:31:56.420 commit to the marriage and children yet

00:31:58.940 because he feels like he can't be that

00:32:00.560 responsible why did you get married

00:32:01.860 so I'm so proud of you like we can

00:32:07.360 all see how much like you love your

00:32:09.100 daughter how much you're trying to make

00:32:10.260 this work like his life is hard you know

00:32:11.760 like no no no no wait wait wait wait

00:32:13.760 she only got here she only got here

00:32:15.900 because she cheated cheap because before

00:32:17.760 we said yeah that are women women said

00:32:20.260 they like the truth in it your husband

00:32:22.260 told you the truth saying that I may

00:32:24.060 potentially want to step out on you

00:32:25.520 yeah and that's what started this whole

00:32:28.180 debacle of problems of relationship so him being honest is kind of why you're here

00:32:32.520 isn't it

00:32:33.160 but it's a trauma initially it was the my ex cheating that was the issue

00:32:36.720 but you said you had help for that trauma you said you had that trauma

00:32:39.720 no no no that's something I've gone in later like

00:32:42.020 say within the last year

00:32:43.320 because it seems to me like you and your husband split because of something that he might do in the future

00:32:48.820 yeah and that was me looking back at myself saying I was the fault of that

00:32:52.820 and also are you now saying that as a young woman that traditional is the way to go

00:32:59.820 100% thank you 100% I'm I will I believe in traditional roles I believe I just believe that this society doesn't enable that and a lot of my anger as well even in my relationship was the fact that I had to work and I had to do things that a woman shouldn't necessarily do because society now is too expensive

00:33:18.120 can I just say that

00:33:19.760 can I just say that

00:33:22.020 traditional women always

00:33:24.240 no no no no no you asked your mum how she worked just because she didn't need the house

00:33:30.840 yeah yeah exactly so we're doing the housework and then more she's talking about career I'm

00:33:34.040 talking about career no but I'm saying that it all depends on how you see it no 100% and

00:33:39.300 also if you and your husband wouldn't it be better if you both got a flat with three bedrooms

00:33:47.000 and worked it out two separate rooms that's the thing money is the issue so if money wasn't

00:33:51.900 an issue of course we could have a mansion and we could know I'm just saying is it is it there

00:33:55.500 is to live apart than to live together

00:33:56.860 yeah uh yes

00:34:00.000 it's just easier for now because obviously where we're not financially

00:34:06.660 no not easier I'm talking about cheaper is it cheaper to live separately or is it would it be cheaper to live together

00:34:12.560 it's just not a position we're at now because we're only I've only just healed

00:34:16.860 could you just answer that yes or no is it cheaper to live apart

00:34:19.280 it's probably it's cheaper to live together it's cheaper to live together but obviously if I'm not

00:34:23.180 like I've only gone through my counselling and having to learn about myself in the last year

00:34:27.620 and a half that time I was alone if that makes sense if I'd never done that I would never have

00:34:32.020 gone through counselling or learn about myself and what I and I've unlearned and I think the thing is

00:34:36.840 I had an amazing father figure I had an amazing childhood with my dad and my dad not being there he was

00:34:42.780 there you know him not being there for parts isn't impacted me at all my relationship was amazing

00:34:48.340 there was other things that happened when I was a child that made it more difficult if that makes sense

00:34:54.680 in me in my longer lifelong marriage and I think once I then went counselling for that

00:34:59.800 I then realised actually there was a lot of me that had to heal before I even took that step

00:35:06.060 can I just give you a bit of advice traditional women don't listen to their female friends

00:35:11.700 traditional women don't listen to social media and traditional women don't get easily influenced by

00:35:19.740 outside forces and I think that's what you're struggling with so you can't balance the two

00:35:25.220 because I know you're saying that you're modern and that you want to be traditional but yet you're

00:35:29.260 saying that these are what your friends are telling you to do and this is what this person is telling you to do

00:35:33.400 and this is what the internet's telling you to do and this is where your struggle is against your

00:35:37.560 traditional and your modern but you said that traditional is the way to go so it'll be easier

00:35:43.780 just to fade out all the modern but I feel like so I'm sorry I feel like okay listening to you I think

00:35:51.600 that it's admirable that you've been for what you've been through and you worked on yourself to know where

00:35:56.300 it is that you went wrong I feel like the social media stuff the friend stuff for me I'm hearing her

00:36:00.860 tell me that that is the past that's what she did that got her in this position now and I'm in my

00:36:06.120 mind or what I believe is that moving forward you've you've learned a lot from how what you did wrong

00:36:12.620 that I reckon that when even if it's this guy if it's another guy you're going to be a better partner

00:36:16.940 than you were before because now what you what you believed what you knew of relationships before

00:36:21.240 was from social media was from friends or whatever but now you've experienced something different so now

00:36:26.280 you're more realistic about your expectations I think that is where the whole traditional thing

00:36:30.800 comes from because when I hear tradition for me because I'm Nigerian like I think culture that's

00:36:36.260 why I understand you saying that you know your dad not been in the house didn't really affect you

00:36:39.620 because that is what this happens my cousins are the same thing like it's what if it's if it's what

00:36:44.240 you're around if it's if that's what you're socializing to if that's the norm yeah it's nothing

00:36:48.560 that's it's not odd to you I mean I'm just gonna tell you how it sounds it just sounds like a lot

00:36:52.780 of excuses to me like it's just like this is right this is why this is why this is why because

00:36:58.480 like like when you're saying oh it's social media it's the culture it's this it's that it's that

00:37:03.300 it's like oh that's that's why I did what I did it's like it's it kind of takes away from

00:37:08.340 accountability when you're just blaming all these things because I know she's saying it's admirable

00:37:15.380 that you've got rid of it and that was in the past and whatever I came late I apologize for coming late

00:37:19.640 what year did you go carnival that is 2018 like that was I wasn't here okay by the way I went

00:37:28.740 carnival only because I lived on ladbrook grove so I moved on to ladbrook grove 2017

00:37:32.920 wait let me just finish this carnival pr is it all I thought you talked a lot like this is it's just

00:37:39.480 like this is instead of just saying instead of just saying being accountable and you know what I

00:37:43.040 wanted to go it was fun like it's like oh I lived on this road no no no no it's like no okay so again

00:37:48.380 I don't see where the issue with carnival is again maybe because listen to what I'm saying

00:37:52.520 when I came here late I didn't know when you went carnival so all I'm heard from you is that you've

00:37:58.200 had the counts in a year and a half so that's what I'm asking you when did you go carnival because I

00:38:01.800 wasn't here so I didn't know right and even when I went carnival I'm a very standoffish person no one

00:38:07.340 will chat to me because my demeanor is very like so even me going carnival I dance if I dance with my

00:38:13.800 friends it's my girlfriends I'm dancing with no one I still feel like guys if I'm going carnival I'm

00:38:19.040 going for man I'll tell you that right now I'm not going there to see the food and see the culture

00:38:24.140 I'm going to this whole show you've been careful this whole show so wait so wait if you went to

00:38:31.020 carnival this summer yeah can someone explain to me why that would be a bad thing exactly this is

00:38:35.080 what I also I understand you go I understand you go to carnival for man but we're all not the same

00:38:40.620 people people are different can I just say something as a traditional single parent with a child under the

00:38:50.900 age of five that's not looking no man that wants to stay away from outside influences that don't

00:38:56.600 want to get influenced by social media she shouldn't be at carnival I'm just going by what she said that

00:39:04.640 she is no and by what she said I can only go by what she said that's why pearls talking about the

00:39:09.620 contradiction because as far as I'm concerned if I was a single parent with a five-year-old child the

00:39:14.120 only time I'm going carnival is with my child on a Sunday and we're gonna be home by like six o'clock in

00:39:19.300 the evening I would not as a single parent go carnival without my child having a break as a

00:39:25.400 parent but this is the thing carnival is not the place to have a break no no but I'm struggling with

00:39:31.000 you can't tell someone what to do we're not telling her what to do she's contradicting let's stop

00:39:36.060 interrupting me it's like she's contradicting herself the whole show and so you say one thing

00:39:40.480 and then you say another thing I don't I really wasn't even probing like honestly I'll ask you wait let

00:39:44.820 be I'll ask you a question you'll tell a really long story and like it which is fine it's a podcast

00:39:50.920 that's fine but when you contradict yourself like five times in the story and people start asking

00:39:55.240 questions like then you get defensive and I wasn't telling them what to do I said as a single parent

00:40:00.380 I would have gone carnival I would have gone carnival I would take my child is what I've done that's

00:40:06.240 what I said we're in different and I was a younger single parent than you were yeah we're in different

00:40:10.580 errors obviously social media came when I was about 16 even probably this is an excuse again

00:40:16.640 like oh but it's the time like like this is like your immediate response with anything is like oh

00:40:22.840 this is the excuse it's like no I'm not making excuses I'm saying I was battling what I was

00:40:28.080 battling then I'm still learning I'm still like even now when I tell my friends oh do you know what

00:40:33.600 polygyny I don't mind it a lot of my friends will be like oh my god what are you talking about

00:40:37.360 some of them will be like actually I get what you mean because a lot of them have gone through the

00:40:41.060 cheating back and forth and all of that and they're like do you know what I it's changed my mindset so

00:40:45.760 what I'm saying is where I am now even now I'm still not who I want to be fully because the more

00:40:51.040 days pass the more I do things even being a mother even just working even everything else the more I'm

00:40:56.600 learning how much better is being a traditional woman it's taken me a lot longer only because I'm

00:41:02.780 having to learn that my mom's life was happier than what I am how are you learning just doing

00:41:08.980 every single day the difficulties of being a woman in the 21st century how does that make you more

00:41:18.040 traditional living modern I'm not living more modern I'm accepting that modern isn't the way forward

00:41:24.060 yeah I want a man who is going to be a traditional gender role where he does the breadwinner yeah but I

00:41:30.580 mean we can want what we want but only one in four men only one in four women really get that

00:41:34.980 traditional role like most women most women work so like the majority of women don't get that like

00:41:40.120 that's say like saying I want to be a millionaire okay yeah like how does how how does that make you more

00:41:44.300 traditional no like what actionable it's more me realizing how much the right-wing feminism shall I say

00:41:51.840 or just that movement itself has hindered women because I feel like I want to now engage in my feminine

00:41:57.160 energy more and the more I'm engaging in my feminine energy and the more I'm realizing actually I don't

00:42:03.320 care if a man sleeps with 10 girls I don't want to sleep with 10 guys like the more I'm realizing I'm

00:42:07.960 not the same as a man in that sense the more I happy I'm getting my rebuttal when I was younger was more

00:42:13.680 because it was like oh what if he could do it why can't I if he does this why can't I now I'm actually

00:42:17.560 like no I'm being a feminine woman have you have you practiced that in a relationship like doing the

00:42:23.360 polygyny thing uh yeah not yet not yet yeah so so it's just like that's not really that's saying

00:42:31.300 like I would accept it isn't really like no it's because okay for example like my husband now my ex

00:42:37.260 or partner if he was to approach me and say you know what I'm ready to settle down but that is an

00:42:43.260 option I will 100% accept it if he was to come you should call him yeah you should call him and tell

00:42:50.840 him I would but I'm ready I got you a side piece the problem is is his issue isn't other multiple

00:42:58.520 women his issue is he's not where he wants to be financially I think again society puts pressure

00:43:03.180 on men to have to be millionaires like there's this idea that men have to be so yeah so what would

00:43:08.480 happen if you just said I don't care about the money like I will I will work with you like you

00:43:13.300 can do your side piece thing I'm cool with that too no I think but it's more him believing in him

00:43:18.900 accepting that it's not I can say all I want was it because in like the relationship before was it like

00:43:23.580 did you is that something you got on him for no never okay but it's his his concept of women is

00:43:29.860 women will stay with you if you have money because a lot of men now especially like the Andrew Tate

00:43:34.980 lovers believe that if you don't have enough money a woman would leave you 100% yeah so this

00:43:41.080 is the problem is me I will stick by his side regardless can I just interrupt you not to be rude

00:43:46.420 but you're his wife he chose you you chose him so what everybody else outside of that is doing is

00:43:52.380 none of your concern and what gets my brain is when you're in a marriage everybody else that really

00:43:58.660 doesn't matter in the respect of like you know your parents opinion they can add whatever

00:44:03.040 but it literally doesn't matter so Andrew Tate social media all these factors they don't matter

00:44:09.460 they actually don't matter take them away and then work on your your marriage your relationship

00:44:15.580 together that's what but and this is the thing I can say it to him all I want but again as a man he

00:44:21.400 has to believe in himself I can't believe that a guy would leave a full-blown marriage just because

00:44:27.080 he doesn't think he's financially stable no no no a lot of men you're already married no it's not even

00:44:31.860 that it's not even that it's men also overthink what we like the way we overthink things we have

00:44:36.900 you have you ever have you ever called him like got on your knees begged and apologized

00:44:40.560 got on your knees and said I was wrong like you were right yeah we've had conversations we've had

00:44:47.880 conversations for sure he's not yeah I think that's awesome I've apologized I don't know but there's

00:44:52.460 another reason why I've apologized and he's apologized and we've both agreed that when he is

00:44:58.540 it's more he needs to be he needs to accept where he is in his life and I can't impose for example I

00:45:04.560 think a man when he knows he's got a responsibility especially a father a child and a woman he wants

00:45:09.320 to now make sure he's got enough money to support and again his dreams his dreams

00:45:13.500 no it's not it's not that he's left it's more he doesn't want us to get toxic and hate each other

00:45:23.580 so it's more like if we separate can I ask you a question if he was to call you right now and be

00:45:28.000 like okay I'm ready can we get back together yeah I'll say yes so the reason that you're not together

00:45:32.660 is because of him then it's not he's not ready yet yeah I don't think that he can just leave just

00:45:37.480 because he's got no money it's not he doesn't have money no no I think you guys are getting it

00:45:44.760 wrong again it's not that he doesn't have money he's not he for him having 600k in your bank isn't

00:45:51.440 enough because he feels like no no but again again exactly I can't tell him enough times I don't care

00:45:59.160 if you're not making millions it's him to believe and accept actually do you believe what he's saying

00:46:04.840 it just it just like okay like it just sounds like there's something missing from the story I

00:46:09.700 I don't know I don't know you could be yeah this is where men have to come in yeah I'm listening I'm

00:46:14.840 listening Eddie does a man feel like women money is important in a relationship 110% but okay go on

00:46:21.740 if you were now with a woman but you're not financially happy where you are would you break

00:46:27.760 off the relationship no can I ask you a question okay if it's stressing if it's stressing you out and

00:46:33.320 you're feeling like I can only focus on money I can only feel stressed if you're the reason I'm

00:46:38.140 stressed because if money is I agree with you in the sense that men do have a lot of pressures but

00:46:45.340 I believe that's just the way it is and men have to deal with that pressure become this part of being

00:46:49.660 a man okay but if I'm married to you and this is why I think everybody's going to start thinking there's

00:46:53.680 a piece missing because even as a man and this is me speaking as a man if I'm married to you

00:46:57.640 the only reason I'd feel the type of way is if I'm made to feel that way so it's either he feels

00:47:02.520 that way because of someone which has to be you or there's something else missing from the story

00:47:07.640 so now let me ask you this in a relationship you have to give time right time and energy when you

00:47:12.240 have children you have to give time and energy right if you felt like you giving time and energy

00:47:16.680 there was taken away from what your dreams in money was would you then why did you not think about

00:47:23.240 that before you got married exactly what I'm saying is when we were initially it was different

00:47:27.180 right that his goals might have been different people change I'm trying to convince him money's

00:47:31.680 not an issue yeah but Eddie if you were now putting energy in like you want to put energy

00:47:36.520 in your business but you feel like having a relationship is straining your business would

00:47:40.520 you keep the relationship or would you focus on business I do both because I'm married to you

00:47:45.680 okay now I'm saying is if you felt like it was draining like you felt like you couldn't give

00:47:51.080 and when I say draining it's not that I want money I want your time right so as a in my my

00:47:56.960 relationship I want your time if you felt like you couldn't give your partner adequate time and

00:48:01.480 you know that's the only thing she wants from you would you feel like you need to terminate the

00:48:05.600 relationship no because I'm married with a child yeah but that's like my responsibilities are my

00:48:10.820 responsibilities are it's way higher than that so I think and this is what we talk about and why I

00:48:14.740 ask the question about modern women and selfishness I truly believe that when we're in the

00:48:18.540 relationship it's not about me no more so whatever it is that I need to sacrifice to make sure this

00:48:22.480 thing works it's what I have to sacrifice that's my responsibility as a person who's brought a child

00:48:26.020 into this world right sorry when you talk about money I've always earned more than my men and I've

00:48:35.340 never made them feel any different less of a man they've always paid you know they've always been

00:48:41.320 the men I've never it's never been a problem and if you're married during your relationship with

00:48:46.600 someone you manage the money you build each other up you know if like you if you if you was married

00:48:54.100 now and you're on I don't know nine thousand a year with you and your wife together working at it

00:49:00.240 they can build you're not gonna say well you know what let's separate because we've got a kid

00:49:03.460 you haven't got enough money and we're gonna we're gonna come back in another three years when

00:49:07.200 you've got money you're not gonna say that you're gonna work at it together I'm first generationist

00:49:12.560 so my parents migrated over here they came here with nothing like to the point where when I was

00:49:17.100 growing up they had to switch between he was looking after me day and night because they

00:49:21.440 couldn't afford a nanny they work through these things together so I'm thinking if they can move

00:49:26.400 from a land where they know to a land where they don't know and still manage and maintain a

00:49:31.100 relationship and still be together to this day for me to come in and tell the story

00:49:33.940 there's no reason why other people shouldn't you know what you know what is

00:49:38.200 no can I just say this a million times over it's because this generation hasn't faced real adversity

00:49:45.900 and all the adversity they face is on social media so for example like you said your parents

00:49:52.380 left their country and came here and made it work your marriage you have to make it work you have to

00:49:59.320 put in the effort your partner has to put in the effort there's got to be someone else like missing

00:50:05.560 from the story it's literally okay I'm not denying I'm trying to make the marriage work right it's I

00:50:12.020 can't it takes two to tango right again he it might come to a point in his life that he realizes

00:50:18.080 actually Soraya is there regardless whether he's a millionaire or zilch and then he might be like

00:50:23.720 actually I can see it yeah but it's very hard especially the area he was brought up in he was

00:50:29.120 around a lot of superficial people I grew up in Hackney I came from like Eddie poverty whatever like

00:50:34.620 my family came here with nothing I grew up with that that's my reality I'm not I don't care about

00:50:39.080 designer goods I don't care about materialistic things he needs to accept that I don't care yeah

00:50:43.280 but the thing is you haven't faced adversity together and that is the problem you're not facing your

00:50:49.380 adversity together I'll say it one more time you are not facing the adversity together and that is

00:50:55.780 the problem I I'm listening to you and I respect that you're you've been so open because it's allowing

00:51:01.480 me to understand your story and I can see you're making effort yeah but you are it's like you're

00:51:08.100 missing the part where you have to work as a team and that teamwork means you have to put I to the side

00:51:14.280 and make it we I wish he was here because again this is he can be virtually this is yeah this is

00:51:34.640 exactly the conversations I've had with him yeah and I've told him we're here we could do it this and

00:51:39.320 that again I can't change him if he feel especially where he grew up in a very individualistic mindset

00:51:46.200 where it is all about I need to do this I can't have help I can't yeah but the thing is because

00:51:51.580 you've got married yeah and you've had a child which is it should be the other way around so he

00:51:56.760 before he married you he should have been working on himself and came with the money blah blah blah

00:52:01.380 and said I'm ready you accepted where he was and he accepted where you was when you got married

00:52:07.300 now you can't go but you can't put your child you know back inside your womb and then she regrows again

00:52:13.700 but what I am saying is where you are you have to work for it together because because you're

00:52:20.800 working separately and as we do have to bear in mind this is only one side it's only one side of the story

JustPearlyThings - August 10, 2023

Modern Women Weaknesses About Men Got RESOLVED

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