Mothers Hate Giving Up Their Careers For Their Children ｜ Pearl Daily
Episode Stats
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Summary
Mother's guilt is one of the biggest barriers to motherhood, especially when it comes from a female perspective. In this episode, I talk about how to deal with mother's guilt when you are a working mother and how to overcome it.
Transcript
00:10:09.980
and give stop comparing yourself to other women all right for all you know despite the job and
00:10:16.560
the children she is struggling too in fact I am sure she is undoubtedly
00:10:22.840
countless sacrifices she is making when she appears to excel it's probably that
00:10:31.460
like you some of you them feel imposed upon her by that great brutish hands that nudge her once
00:10:37.740
life nudge one's life as they age pushing and bruising even the best laid plan so there's your
00:10:44.020
advice leave your job go gentle around yourself don't compare yourself to other women and fight
00:10:48.740
the patriarchy go so again now there's women that also have articles on how to make your feel make
00:10:56.280
yourself feel better about mom guilt when you have a career so again men when they make a choice they
00:11:03.100
just deal with the consequences right hold on give me I have a big water bottle I need a sip
00:11:07.900
sorry guys I get parched when I read so men accept that if they have to work the night shift they
00:11:16.720
are like look I did what I had to do I understand it but women have to rationalize bad decisions I
00:11:23.560
would say so dear working mother you're doing a great job and your kids will turn out just fine
00:11:29.640
despite the hours you spend away from them truly cope see again it's like the cope it's the I want
00:11:37.280
to have it all and I want to do what I want regardless of how it affects my children and so
00:11:43.080
yeah I'll just keep doing what I want so and so I'm going to write articles rationalizing this
00:11:48.100
instead of doing what I know is right so of course you probably didn't always feel that way about
00:11:52.780
yourself if you're you are most like if you are like most working moms I know you may feel like
00:11:58.220
you're coming you're forever coming up short and it comes to doing enough giving enough and being
00:12:03.220
enough for your kids not to mention your boss your partner and your aging parents and extended family
00:12:08.700
and of course your community I haven't even mentioned doing being and giving enough for yourself but
00:12:14.600
that's another article I was warned about mother's guilt while expecting my first child however having
00:12:20.420
grown up with a hearty dose of catholic guilt I feel it couldn't be that bad and then I became a
00:12:27.180
mother and over the course of five years I had four healthy children in between stop staring
00:12:32.640
graduate studies towards a new career needless to say it was during that time I became much more
00:12:37.980
acquainted with mother's guilt it became a constant companion until one day I realized that I didn't
00:12:43.120
have children in order to spend my life feeling forever inadequate I wanted children to enrich my life
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not enslave my conscience it's time to reclaim our right to enjoy our kids so it's time to what they're
00:12:56.040
saying is they want to take the clout from the kids and all the all the good stuff they get from
00:13:01.400
the kids without doing the bad stuff so that's what she's trying to say lest child rearing become a
00:13:08.100
long exercise and never measuring up but how do working mothers stop wrestling with constant guilt
00:13:14.140
first we must uncover the destructive forces that are driving it so the need to do the right thing like
00:13:21.500
the guilt inside that's what's driving it but instead of doing the right thing they just are gonna
00:13:26.480
like push that down and keep doing the wrong thing before below are five ways to embrace your shortfalls
00:13:34.500
as a mother and refocus your precisely finite energy on what truly matters ensuring that your kids
00:13:42.340
ensuring your kids know they're wanted loved and lovable no matter what see again women's solution
00:13:47.280
is saying things it's never doing things right it's always telling your kids you love them
00:13:52.520
but not it's never showing them by spending time with them and being pleasant right like that's the
00:13:58.240
harder part being a nice person being pleasant it's easy to say I love you right that's easy
00:14:03.800
and it's the same thing with men they're like well tell them how you feel well does it matter if what
00:14:09.480
you say if you don't back it up with actions and that that they benefit from having you as a role
00:14:16.240
model for a rewarding life except trade-offs is inevitable when you choose to combine motherhood
00:14:22.780
in a career in any way shape or form there will always be trade-offs sacrifices and compromises
00:14:27.100
what is crucial to your happiness as well as your ability to starve off guilt is reconciling those
00:14:32.740
trade-offs by being crystal clear about why you're making them in the first place create a list of the
00:14:38.840
reasons why you work money satisfaction sanity to provide a helpful reminder of your personal
00:14:46.180
convictions when you work or from attending a concert and compels you to outsource the organization of
00:14:54.820
your child's birthday party when I'm not able to be involved with my kids activities as it might seem ideal
00:15:01.320
I am very clear that my kids my family and myself are ultimately all better off because I have a
00:15:06.340
rewarding career outside of the home number two don't should on yourself you know it's so crazy men can hear
00:15:13.000
the word should and agree women it's like we can't handle it like women if you say you should lose weight
00:15:21.380
to a fat guy he'll say I know but if you say that to a woman like it's it's world war three you know
00:15:30.700
um so mother's guilt will not always sorry mother's guilt was not always a mother's lot mothers in the
00:15:41.140
victorian england banished children and nursemaids before farming them off to a boarding school at age
00:15:46.900
five so they could continue to their high t social lives acclaimed acclaimed photographer
00:15:53.760
um dorothea lang paid foster families to look after her children so she could venture off on a
00:16:00.640
month's long um photography expedition that sounds like a terrible mother do you know what I mean it's
00:16:07.700
like mcdonald's is hiring and you could do that when the kids are older you know I feel like women
00:16:14.140
whenever they do something at the expense of the children it's because they want to bang somebody at
00:16:19.340
work or somebody there because like that is the only force that I see women like doing crazy things
00:16:29.040
that's strong enough right so I bet there's hot guys that she was photographer like taking pictures
00:16:34.680
of or something or near her I don't know um likewise I cannot recall my own parents ever coming to a
00:16:40.660
softball game or reading me bedtime stories truth be told I never gave it a second thought until I found
00:16:45.860
myself guilt ridden when unable to attend one of my my children's games or too tired to read them a bedtime
00:16:52.500
story why because I had unwittingly taken on board a mother load of good parents shoulds that my mother
00:17:00.380
never did and it's so crazy because men can admit like when they're bad at something so men will say
00:17:07.880
yeah I was a bad dad like I've actually heard men admit that where they said you know what
00:17:14.880
I wasn't the best father but admitting that as a woman it's like world war three you know we can't
00:17:21.180
all be good at everything some things we're just not good at and you know like men I've met men that
00:17:26.360
were say alcoholics right and they can admit they just weren't the best dad and they live with it but
00:17:32.280
women they'll write articles like instead of just saying you know what I'm a bad mom they'll write an
00:17:38.220
article rationalizing the fact that they're not a bad mom that's the I enjoy being involved in my
00:17:44.940
children's activities and in their lives but I also know they don't need me cheering them on at every
00:17:49.020
game creating scrapbooks for every milestone or welcoming them from home from school with fresh
00:17:56.020
baked muffins in order to feel loved and grow secure into well-rounded adults while they are central to
00:18:02.200
my life my world does not revolve around them I'm sure they love hearing this can you imagine reading
00:18:06.580
this did you see what your mom wrote about you you are there her she said her life does not revolve
00:18:15.100
around you nor do I believe it would serve them any better if I did three lowering your bar to good
00:18:22.180
enough the bar on what it means to be a great parent has gradually been moving up oh my god you know
00:18:28.360
women used to like sew their kids clothes but somehow we're like deluded into thinking the bar for being a
00:18:34.920
good parent has moved up we don't even raise our kids I mean we throw our kids it's like you could
00:18:40.740
put the kid in daycare my sister worked at a daycare they throw them in like six months in my my sister
00:18:46.720
was raising your children okay my sister did it so I have firsthand and you know what my sister would
00:18:52.400
tell me how bad some of the people watching the kids were so I know what's going on in these daycares
00:18:58.340
and you people aren't gonna like it um okay oh well we got a super chat thank you daily driver if you
00:19:06.500
have anything you want to read um feel free okay so the all right so where were we after all it's who
00:19:17.940
we are for our children happy good humored and a role model for values that we believe in that
00:19:23.300
ultimately impacts how close we are our homes our meals and responsible for women are for on the
00:19:29.500
front cover of women's magazines the reality is that you don't have to be a perfect parent to be
00:19:33.780
a great parent see there it is you do have to be damn near a perfect parent to be a great parent
00:19:39.320
like that's you can't be great at something unless you're close to perfect right but
00:19:44.500
you know there's a level parents there's b level there's c men know that there's good enough
00:19:51.980
right like men kind of understand like really I've heard more men going by trying to get like
00:19:57.640
passing grades good enough they're like you know what as long as my kid's not on the street he's not
00:20:02.820
doing drugs my daughter's not on only fans you know maybe she grows up to be like a lazy person but
00:20:10.720
she's not the lady or maybe you know maybe she like she has her flaws she's still a woman but at least
00:20:16.740
she's good enough or my son yeah he's he has this bad character trait but you know what he's not doing
00:20:22.440
drugs men can accept that about their kids right they're like you know what good enough
00:20:26.500
that's a stamp that's passed but women it's like they have to be great at things you can't just be
00:20:34.080
well I was an all right mom all right refuse to buy into guilt mongerers while some women thrive
00:20:42.900
on critiquing other women's parenting proficiency the best mothers I've met have no need to throw
00:20:47.920
stones and how other people parent their children they're simply more interested in doing the best
00:20:52.760
that they can on their own so while you can't always avoid the righteous parenting police you can
00:20:58.200
choose to see their self-inflating opinions on everything from disposable diapers I didn't even
00:21:05.540
know there wasn't disposable diapers do you guys clean that you sorry okay to disciplinary tactics
00:21:13.660
for what they are an easy way to justify their own choices and conceal doubt about their own parenting
00:21:18.040
skills the fact is there is no one right way when it comes to raising children just we as we all differ
00:21:24.120
in our personalities preferences and circumstances the choices that we make make us feel
00:21:30.320
whole healthy and happy differ as well to those who love to critique and judge and to all those who
00:21:37.540
felt a long string of judgment remark or scornful glance I say to each their own so again women's
00:21:44.660
biggest fears being judged because again it makes perfect sense like if we had a bad reputation in a
00:21:52.200
tribe do you know who was going to get our head chopped off or sacrifice to the gods like they used to
00:21:57.640
believe in like sacrifice and so if you weren't like if you had a bad reputation as a woman guess
00:22:05.980
who was getting her head chopped off next guess who was on like the Salem witch trials do you know what
00:22:11.420
I mean you so we had to protect our reputation with our life men had to work on being useful there's
00:22:18.960
nothing worse than a useless man right like that so men they don't really care if they're liked they're
00:22:25.860
kind of like and I don't care if you think my kid is good or bad I care that my kid isn't doing drugs
00:22:33.160
and is not in jail and graduates from high school makes it to 18 without being pregnant or getting
00:22:38.580
someone pregnant if I've done that I've done my job good enough and if the kid comes back and says you
00:22:45.360
were a bad parent in this way in this way in that way the mothers it's world war three and the dads will
00:22:50.400
say I was the dads will say yeah I was but you know what you're alive aren't you women we just
00:22:59.300
can't like own the fact that we're not perfect you know like men they know they're like well
00:23:05.420
I could have been better I could like they're like yeah you know and it's the same thing at work like
00:23:11.840
they don't as long as they're doing a good job they don't care if everyone thinks they're doing
00:23:15.860
good they don't care like that's how women get all these useless awards because they care about them
00:23:20.760
right so you know I've heard about women getting awards for work that men have done but men just don't
00:23:27.560
care about that so they're just like here you go they don't care about credit but women it's like
00:23:33.580
I know just take the out Zach in the chat he's saying just take the L's why can't we you know I was
00:23:41.840
raising cotton diapers my dad would throw these bad boys over the fence and hit them with garden
00:23:46.320
hose five don't dilute your presence with distraction we can't be with our kids 24 7 and yet
00:23:54.400
never be fully present to them while turning off from work and other distractions it's easier said
00:24:00.060
than done it's important to be intentional about being fully present to your children whenever you
00:24:07.240
are with them by minimizing the multitasking as much as humanly possible I often take my kids off
00:24:13.000
for kids out for a hot chocolate at a local cafe as a sweet treat for me and for them as well which
00:24:18.420
removes me from the magnetic pull of my home office some may believe this is going great um lengths to
00:24:24.940
avoid distraction but as I've mentioned it's not about what other people think it's what works for me
00:24:29.520
so what women tend to do is we like to buy we have a hard time being a nice person right we have a hard
00:24:36.400
time like just being pleasant like that's very difficult for us you know not being a bitch not
00:24:43.580
nagging not so what we like to do is buy things and hope you forget all of the bad things we do
00:24:50.620
and men are easily like guilt tripped and kids can really I mean they can be bought right I mean it's
00:24:57.560
like you buy my sister concert tickets to Adele she forgets you know um so yeah and that's easier
00:25:07.580
than again the hard thing which is like character building like men if they don't build their character
00:25:12.400
they get beat up by other men they get taken advantage of by women like the life happens to
00:25:17.860
them but women we can just be like nah that's too hard you know all right what other mothers are doing
00:25:23.460
is none of your business doing what works for you for your children and your family to stay happy
00:25:27.400
stay humored and connected is all that matters I actually do agree but mothers will make it everyone's
00:25:34.560
business because they can't shut up on the internet so they will they will give like best practices to
00:25:39.560
parent and whatnot so they'll say that but like she's got a blog talking about how she parents like
00:25:44.980
she just talked about the hot chocolate right so they say it but they don't mean it so I mean women
00:25:50.200
right all right so now we're gonna get so the woman that did a rant about her husband not doing
00:25:57.500
chores she has not stopped she has not so she went even further um and now she's talking about
00:26:07.420
rationalizing outsourcing motherhood so here we go there are lots of reasons why people would have
00:26:12.080
child care I was mostly speaking in response to the woman that I responded to because I'm pretty sure
00:26:17.140
she has videos saying she could be a stay-at-home mom she just chooses not to for for her career's
00:26:21.940
sake hi I'm the working mom who prioritized my career over my kids according to Emma and she's
00:26:26.180
been responding to my video in all of her videos and I'm just here to say that yes I made a video that
00:26:31.780
outlined the cost that has been identified as the cost to raise a child these days and labeled it as one
00:26:36.560
of the main reasons that some millennials are choosing not to have kids not all millennials but some
00:26:41.140
millennials and not only that I acknowledge that I come from a place of privilege I'm a mother of four
00:26:46.560
kids and I am able to spend a shit ton of money on daycare because my husband and I have careers
00:26:51.880
with salaries that allow us to do that we are incredibly privileged to be able to do that
00:26:55.700
but the translation I want to flirt with someone at work and find a second husband and while I do that
00:27:04.520
I want someone else to raise the kids because I don't really like the husband that much and I'm kind
00:27:09.780
of regretting procreating with him I kind of I think I could have did better even though I can't
00:27:16.200
because you know she looks like that but she's convinced again you know cute right cute enough
00:27:22.300
to flirt with at work but you're not marrying her right I mean you'll you'll hit you know you'll hit
00:27:27.040
in the parking lot at work when it's convenient right when it's easy but you know so that's going
00:27:33.320
to dilute her cost of raising a child in our country is unaffordable and inaccessible I have very
00:27:39.300
expensive tastes to most people not to some but to most because the cost of daycare alone is averaging
00:27:47.420
around $20,000 a year per child in many states the cost of groceries is on average like $12,000 a person
00:27:57.300
a year that is an insane amount the cost of housing has gone up like crazy as have interest rates so if
00:28:05.860
you unfortunately were not one of the lucky ones to get in with a three percent interest rate
00:28:09.680
if you are not one of the lucky ones to have a career that allows you to be able to afford child
00:28:14.940
care then you are probably having a difficult time navigating managing having a child in a family
00:28:20.880
it's not about priorities it's about privilege when you have privilege you're typically able to do
00:28:26.160
things that other people cannot do but that does not mean you should use your privilege to be blind
00:28:31.920
to the realities of everybody outside of your lived experience here's the thing she made a comment
00:28:37.160
about me prioritizing my career and choosing not to translation I do prioritize my career I don't
00:28:43.480
really want to watch my kids but I'm going to spend three minutes and 48 seconds of Pearl's life
00:28:49.320
now I have to react to this thank you I you know I should say thank you you keep me employed ladies
00:28:55.360
you really do if you guys were normal then I wouldn't have a job thanks to be a stay-at-home
00:29:01.980
mom but that is not accurate I've talked about why I'm not a stay-at-home mom there's many reasons
00:29:06.980
one of them being yes I like my career and I like having a job but the other reasons are one I'd like
00:29:11.960
to be able to provide for my family in case my husband's ever unable to work for any reason and
00:29:16.000
or is deceased whatever it might be divorced who knows I need to be able to provide for him he said
00:29:21.080
I'm not gonna buy her coffee but I'll make her an office coffee yeah I mean it's like easy right
00:29:25.940
it's convenient my children I would also like to retire that's something that's really important
00:29:30.700
to me I would like to be able to provide my children with a certain kind of life I want them
00:29:34.400
to be able to come to me should they need help financially when they're older I know many of
00:29:38.780
us didn't have that and I'd like to be able to do that for my kids I like being able to put my kids
00:29:42.580
in soccer and basketball and gymnastics and I wouldn't be able to do those things if I didn't have a job
00:29:47.300
right there's so many things we wouldn't be able to do for some families
00:29:50.460
having a job means health care I like the clout of my kids being in all this stuff so
00:29:55.400
really I had a dream of being a pro athlete and so I'm gonna live vicariously through that
00:30:00.780
through my kids and um yeah I like the status of going to this stuff right do you think you know
00:30:07.980
like men it'll be like a cost benefit analysis they're like well that's really expensive we're
00:30:12.620
just not gonna do it but the women are like but clout but status but I want to look cool
00:30:17.700
but I mean the kids want it's totally the kids it's not the kids they're really important
00:30:21.720
pearl reed this woman is nuts it's not privilege or luck it's hard work that enabled you to afford
00:30:26.360
a house and to consider it is not just about the career and god why don't we ask dads why they're
00:30:31.900
prioritizing their careers over their kids the priorities we're talking about is actually not
00:30:37.020
whether or not a woman prioritizes her career over her family it's about what our country's it's about
00:30:42.220
what our country's prioritizing over families and children there are people who can help create
00:30:47.580
infrastructure to make it possible for millennials and all younger generations to have children and
00:30:53.720
families but that's not happening and people adjusting their priorities to not eat takeout or
00:30:58.560
whatever it is Emma's alluding to is not going to make it possible for them to have kids you have to
00:31:03.820
have a certain level of privilege it's so crazy because women will say anything's possible when it comes
00:31:08.920
to their careers but when it comes to working and like having a family they're like impossible
00:31:13.620
like if you if they'll nag their husbands and be like you can make more you can do more and the guy's
00:31:19.140
like it's just not possible she's like it's possible but when you ask her well could you spend less
00:31:24.080
money impossible we can't we can't do it in order to have children these days it's like there's a reason
00:31:31.140
we didn't have bank accounts or credit cards in the past there's a reason you know because it is
00:31:36.300
incredibly difficult and expensive and I hear that from so many women and men on this app and it is
00:31:42.320
important to remind ourselves that yes of course it's possible it's impossible it's possible even
00:31:47.380
in the most dire of financial situations you can have children it doesn't mean it's not very very very
00:31:52.560
hard and it's not about your priorities at the end of the day okay that's where I'm getting annoyed
00:31:57.880
by all of this I didn't respond last week really I kind of wanted to move on from it but I think the
00:32:02.560
inherent privilege that's being ignored in this conversation is so frustrating
00:32:06.000
yeah woman talks when kids are married for their parents for working too much
00:32:16.040
or mad at mad at their okay so it's when the the kids are like hey mom why didn't you raise me
00:32:22.600
like why weren't you did you not want to be there did you not know this comment as an example of how
00:32:31.480
we can engage in perspective taking for both child and parent in adulthood this is a parent here
00:32:37.380
that's saying that her adult child is blaming her for choosing her career over her children and the
00:32:43.320
parent is saying what was I supposed to choose letting my kids be homeless and go hungry so there's
00:32:48.680
clearly two very different perspectives going on here and unless we try to understand the other
00:32:53.700
person's perspective our feelings are just going to come out as like dismissiveness and blame and
00:33:00.200
rejection of your feelings so let's talk about what it feels like for a child my own child included in
00:33:07.440
this when their parent leaves and goes to work it's a separation it's painful depending on the age of the
00:33:14.180
child they really don't understand why you have to go to work so much they don't understand what
00:33:19.700
money is how things are paid for these are things that they are learning all they know is that work
00:33:25.300
takes my parent away from me makes it harder for me to connect with them work makes them frustrated
00:33:31.360
on edge it makes them stressed like work can mean a lot of bad things to a kid especially if they hear
00:33:39.680
parents complaining about work venting about work all the time acting very stressed about work and a lot
00:33:44.500
of us do this just like on accident because life is hard sometimes and so the child identifies work as
00:33:52.020
something that is not good in their life now the parent knows as an adult that they have to work
00:33:59.700
in order to pay the bills in order to keep a roof over their child's head to feed them etc and the
00:34:04.980
parent also probably feels a lot of stress about this that it's difficult to maintain a job and take
00:34:10.640
care of kids and do all these other things these two perspectives are both true at the same time
00:34:16.740
the child can say i feel abandoned when you go to work i don't like it it makes me uncomfortable
00:34:22.300
um i never know when you're going to come back i feel like work always makes you upset i just really
00:34:28.480
don't like your work and the adult parent can also say i have to go to work work is necessary work
00:34:34.880
requires me to do all of these things and this is even something that i think about personally you
00:34:40.280
know when my kids are older might they say to me you didn't spend enough time with us i didn't feel
00:34:44.560
like you were around a lot you chose your career over us and i would have to say tell me more about
00:34:50.800
what it felt like for you that might have been the only good piece of advice i've ever heard a woman
00:34:56.300
say she said don't gaslight them say tell me tell me more i just can't imagine a woman actually doing
00:35:04.860
that i can't i cannot imagine a world where you could go to a mother and say these are the things
00:35:09.820
things that i wish you didn't do when i was a kid and the mother saying tell me i just can't
00:35:22.280
even her i'm like when i went to work because the men you could say that like do you know it's crazy
00:35:31.220
you could go to the men and be like yeah dad you didn't do this you didn't do that and you didn't
00:35:35.300
do that and the dad would say yeah i didn't i did the best i could like that's what the guys will
00:35:41.460
say they'll be like yeah i i agree they'll be like look i was doing the best i could i did what i
00:35:48.500
thought was best at the time but the women it's like you think i'm a bad person cry cry cry it's like
00:35:56.660
hell um what were you when i well i was always happy to hear that the parents were leaving the
00:36:03.020
house when i was a kid yeah do you know what like at a certain age i'm not even for like the house like
00:36:09.820
i'm not even saying women can't work it's just like who's gonna raise the baby
00:36:14.040
like somebody's gotta watch the baby you know thinking when i would go to work all the time
00:36:19.060
what do you think would have been different about your life if i was staying home and i was spending
00:36:22.940
time with you and i will have to try to have a conversation about that but if your adult child
00:36:30.640
is telling you i feel abandoned by you i feel like you chose your work over me and the response is
00:36:38.840
what was i supposed to do let you be homeless and go hungry that shuts the conversation down
00:36:45.480
and it stops them from wanting to talk to you and you can have yeah that actually was that decent
00:36:52.560
advice like you know women it's again we give such bad advice all the time that when women say not all
00:37:02.260
not all but when women have a tendency to give such bad advice that when i hear a woman say something
00:37:07.340
that isn't insane or crazy i like feel like i need to get my ears checked i'm like did that make sense
00:37:14.300
i think that's why you guys watch my show you know you're like she doesn't she can't be real
00:37:19.840
okay here we got should women give up their careers to raise kids women shouldn't give up
00:37:26.680
their career paths because i think that and you know it's crazy men can give up their career for
00:37:35.000
a couple years and then come back and come back better stronger than ever earning more like you'll
00:37:40.600
see like men go through like a second wave after their kids are older women it's really not the same
00:37:46.180
they get burnt out and bitter raising children is so deeply fulfilling and pearl reed says jason
00:37:54.680
say boy you had a roof over your head and food in your belly when you were showered and you showered
00:37:59.840
you were fortunate that's how he'd respond yeah you know like the men they're like yep this is
00:38:06.760
full and fills you up but it's finite it is finite and i think that if you put a hundred percent of
00:38:15.740
yourself into those children i question whether that's even good for the kids to have that much
00:38:20.200
pressure on them to know that someone's entire being is about them um my pediatrician said to me when
00:38:29.140
my daughter was born and i had a lot of postpartum anxiety about being away from her he said it's your
00:38:36.180
job every day to put a little bit more space between you and her so that when she see even the
00:38:43.580
medical system lies to us they tell us what we they want we want to hear they need our money right
00:38:48.160
the doctor's like this he's like this this woman is crying about being away from her daughter but she
00:38:53.780
clearly wants to work what does she want to hear so i can get more money
00:38:58.180
and then he says you know what your daughter needs space from you at eight months old she totally does
00:39:07.720
she your daughter is going to look back and say yes that's what i need space and you to be your own
00:39:13.980
person is grown up she is a functioning adult completely autonomous from you yeah i'm sure an eight
00:39:21.840
month old a two-year-old says you know what i need for my parents autonomy but again i get they're like
00:39:28.480
how much money do i want to make do i want to make eight dollars or do i want to make two dollars
00:39:33.020
it's like i'm picking eight baby i didn't make this world and i remember thinking god that's harsh
00:39:39.900
you know i'm holding this tiny baby but i understand it more now you know dropping my little one off at
00:39:47.300
kindergarten and watching her cry and pulling my car over and sobbing on the way to work
00:39:53.380
is a big step for her and a big step for me and then when i pick her up at the end of the day and
00:40:00.180
she's all smiles like i understand the value of that process um so i digress a little bit but it is
00:40:08.240
related to your question which is i think that when women come to me you only need to see me this one
00:40:16.400
time said no therapist ever after being married for 20 years and they've given up their career
00:40:23.040
to raise children and then let's just use the cliche that the husband doesn't want to be in
00:40:29.820
this marriage anymore that's not the cliche it's the other way around but okay and i think this is a
00:40:36.180
famous woman she's dating actors i mean yeah those guys but like a truck driver is going to go find
00:40:41.600
someone new it's way too much work for him doesn't feel like he needs to support her and they look at
00:40:47.780
me and they're like jack what do i do and i say you you've got to try to support yourself and you've
00:40:54.460
got to try to get a job and you've gotten there like but i haven't worked in 20 years and that's just
00:41:00.380
i think that being financially capable is really important in life no matter who you are i think that
00:41:07.700
having the ability to provide for yourself i don't actually disagree with that i mean in this like
00:41:14.160
in this world there's too many skills that you can like you can make money on your lap like there's so
00:41:19.580
many ways to make money um yeah um makes it less likely that you will be dependent on somebody else
00:41:26.120
and makes it less likely that you will stay in a bad situation okay
00:41:30.400
anyways guys i think that's the last one well i'd love to hear from you guys if you could let me know
00:41:40.900
in the comment section and i'll i think i'll read it next show what was the working situation with you
00:41:47.780
and your wife what did she stay home did she work part-time for a period and then retire early how did
00:41:55.700
you guys do it if you have kids and would you have changed anything i'd love to know in the comments
00:42:01.160
um other than that thank you guys so much for watching today um please like the video on your
00:42:06.460
way out please subscribe to the channel and bring that notification bell and i'll see you guys on monday