Panelists Share Their Relationship STORY
Episode Stats
Words per Minute
219.68904
Summary
In this episode, we are joined by a panel of women who talk about their past relationships and what made them hard to get over. We discuss why women tend to stay in relationships for so long, why they stay in them and what makes it hard to leave.
Transcript
00:00:04.460
Because everyone's, for the most part, everyone's ex doesn't sound stable.
00:00:08.300
I mean, as a young woman, you have so much choice.
00:00:10.460
Like, there's so many men in the friend zone that you know are very stable.
00:00:18.160
I think women like a challenge when it comes to love.
00:00:21.760
I think they like to feel that they've got to win the guy over.
00:00:33.360
I feel like people get worse over time, actually.
00:00:37.360
I don't know a single person that's changed completely.
00:00:42.380
But then I watch their relationships and they're exactly the same.
00:00:45.140
Why don't women ever pick partners that make sense?
00:00:48.680
Because I think that they lead with their emotions.
00:00:52.640
And I think that when you are interested in somebody, your all logic goes out of the window.
00:00:56.500
I know we have a mixed crowd when it comes to age.
00:01:00.100
So who knows who Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee?
00:01:12.460
Tommy Lee is a rock star, for those of you that don't know.
00:01:20.260
And they've had just like an on-again, off-again relationship since, let me see, it says 1994.
00:01:26.680
So they got married after four days of knowing each other.
00:01:38.680
And literally they were just on again, off again.
00:01:41.680
They also had a sex tape that was released during when they were together.
00:01:45.860
They had two sons and he also was arrested for abuse.
00:01:56.600
And she still actually got, he went to jail for it and she actually still got back with him after.
00:02:02.080
And then again, on again, off again, on again, off again, until now they're not together.
00:02:06.700
They've separated and he's married to someone else and she's single.
00:02:09.200
Now, the reason that I bring this up is because recently she has been doing a documentary.
00:02:16.420
And in the documentary, she said that she texted at 55, she hasn't been with him for five years.
00:02:23.540
She texted Tommy Lee that he is her one true love while he's married to someone else.
00:02:31.680
So my question for the panel was, have you ever had an ex that was incredibly hard to get over?
00:02:49.140
For me, I would say it was really like my first kind of love.
00:02:54.860
I think I was like 18 at the time when I got with him.
00:02:57.100
So I feel like when you're at that age, especially us women being so emotional, I just felt really attached to him.
00:03:04.520
And even though I'd see him doing a lot, I feel like I'd always want to run back to him.
00:03:08.920
Everything I was doing, he just knew the right word to kind of say.
00:03:11.320
And I feel like I was too good at getting sucked in.
00:03:13.580
How long were you on again, off again with him?
00:03:31.540
And then by the end of 2021, that's when we called it quits.
00:03:35.680
But during that stage, during that time period, we got together about three times and broke up three times.
00:03:43.560
And would you say he was a nice guy or a bad boy?
00:03:53.420
Just like, obviously, the age I am now and the maturity I have, looking back, there's a lot of things that he used to do.
00:04:01.920
I know now when certain guys say stuff, they don't mean it.
00:04:05.180
But back then, it's very easy to get sucked in, like I said before.
00:04:08.880
And he just used to always know the right words to say, which can be a good trait sometimes.
00:04:12.660
But in relationships, especially as a guy, mm-mm, mm-hmm.
00:04:25.360
Because obviously, that was like my first real, proper, like, relationship.
00:04:32.620
And obviously, at that age as well, I'm thinking like, this is some fairy tale going on.
00:04:38.320
But realising now and looking back at it now, I wouldn't have done so many things that I did do and listened to him the way that I did, if that makes sense.
00:04:49.180
Yeah, I feel like my, the love that I had is kind of different to yours in the sense that a man wasn't a bad guy.
00:05:00.480
And it was, was kind of on and off for some time.
00:05:14.900
We always want to see the good in the drug dealers.
00:05:16.480
I feel like, I feel like a lot of times, certain situations, it's a cop-out answer sometimes to say, oh, you're not a situation, things like that.
00:05:26.860
But genuinely for this guy, like, the way that he was brought up from very, very young was, was not good.
00:05:33.800
And it kind of like, that was the path that was predestined for him.
00:05:40.340
But for me, it was very difficult to get over him when he came out of jail.
00:05:48.740
But I was like, you know what, you have to change yourself, everything like this first.
00:05:53.640
And by that time, I was like, we're not going to get back together.
00:05:58.740
But I had to just realise that the amount that I loved him and the amount that I love myself, I'm very solid on what I want and what I do not want from a man.
00:06:09.240
And in that time, the year that he took to change, I realised that I do not want to be with someone who already has a child because I'm selfish.
00:06:14.300
I want to be first for a little bit of the relationship at least.
00:06:22.080
So he was a bit like more of a bad guy before and then he like changed into more of a nice guy.
00:06:33.100
But I just feel like he saw that there was another way to live life rather than the one that he had been stuck in for all that time.
00:06:39.460
It just was a thing where I realised that as much as I love him and as much as he loves me and all these kind of things, like there's a greater kind of love.
00:06:48.720
Like, I feel like when you love people and when people love you, it's a very selfish kind of thing because it's like, I love you.
00:06:54.120
I want you to be with me and we're going to make it work and what I want.
00:06:57.540
But I was just like, you know what, for the best, for what I want and what you want, you can't just keep on going down this path.
00:07:04.320
What made him different than other guys that made it hard for you to get over him?
00:07:12.040
We were talking about it earlier, but he was genuinely very honest.
00:07:14.920
If he did something bad, he did something good.
00:07:20.460
And even if he did something bad, he was honest.
00:07:23.060
And it kind of made me accept that, you know what, even if I might feel like people are down the wrong road.
00:07:29.260
And I have a stereotype of roadmen that they're dishonest and that they like to use words because men know that women want to hear certain things.
00:07:37.140
And I feel like men use that to manipulate women.
00:07:40.120
And he showed me that, you know what, someone can go be in that lifestyle, want better for themselves and not manipulate you with words.
00:07:47.600
And if you don't accept it, you don't accept it.
00:07:49.300
And then you have to sort out what you're going to do from there on.
00:07:55.680
You feel like other guys told you what you wanted to hear where he told you the truth.
00:07:58.880
And yes, and also another thing which I think a lot of men nowadays really struggle with is being assertive in a respectful way.
00:08:05.920
Like he would not allow me, like I can be a bit, I think everyone can be a bit, push the buttons a bit sometimes, you know, push the boundaries and stuff.
00:08:13.280
But he always let me know, this is not how it's going to be.
00:08:17.300
And I respected that because he knew the right way to do it.
00:08:20.440
And a lot of men do not know how to do that nowadays.
00:08:22.620
They get angry or they don't know how to express themselves or they blame you.
00:08:29.580
So when I was going out with my ex, I was very young compared to him.
00:08:54.420
Yeah, but he actually did ask permission from my mom and dad because he was like,
00:08:58.640
I really like your daughter, da, da, da, da, da.
00:09:09.700
And he was very kind and sweet, but it was also long distance as well.
00:09:16.340
So he was living in Holland and I was living here.
00:09:18.880
But he would get like, I think it was like a 12-hour coach every two weeks to come and see me.
00:09:26.980
And he was working like two jobs as well at like 19 years of age.
00:09:32.540
But I think from that, because I was so young, he was my first everything as well.
00:09:38.200
Like first, well, you know what I mean, like first everything.
00:09:42.640
And so I think that's what kept the attachment for so long.
00:09:50.000
Yeah, but I think because I was so young, I think I was just so excited that like an older boy had liked me, really.
00:10:02.440
And when I look back on it now at 21 years of age, I'm thinking, I don't think that's too right.
00:10:10.740
But if one of my friends would come to me and say, I like a 15-year-old, what do you think?
00:10:25.380
Like if your daughter's growing like, I love him.
00:10:30.320
But I think the attachment was, is because I was so young.
00:10:36.480
And I think I was with him for that long because I was so young and also didn't really know what I want.
00:10:42.900
So you would have said he was a good guy though?
00:10:47.540
No, he wasn't a bad guy at all, but I'm in a relationship, you know, I'm in a relationship now.
00:10:53.800
And what made him different was that you were young.
00:11:01.500
But I look on it, I look on it now as in, it was an okay experience, but we also broke up in between as well.
00:11:12.700
And that's, I think, because I was so young, I like missed the love and like the kind of like, he kind of led the way through everything.
00:11:23.820
So I think that's why I went back, but I actually broke up with him because I was bored.
00:11:32.000
Because I, one, because I was bored because we, what do we have in common really?
00:11:37.200
What do you have in common with a 14 year old and 19?
00:11:39.400
Like we are actually in different paths of life and then he was long distance as well and it's just, I was growing up and I was starting to like other things and I was starting to actually know what my type was maybe, you know?
00:11:57.500
So, yeah, that's, that's the reason why I think I kept on going back because of the age.
00:12:04.180
Yeah, I can kind of relate to some of what you're saying there because my first relationship, I was 16 and he was 20 and he was already a father.
00:12:11.900
And again, my mum did not want me to date this guy.
00:12:16.500
She would literally pin me down to stop me from going to see him.
00:12:24.260
So, yeah, it was like, that's not what you want for your 16 year old daughter.
00:12:27.280
Um, but yeah, I fell head over heels in love with him.
00:12:31.420
Um, I moved out of home when I was 17, got my own place.
00:12:36.560
So we were having a very adult relationship from the age of 17.
00:12:40.400
Um, I did end up breaking up with him because actually what was interesting was I ended up taking on quite a masculine role in that relationship.
00:12:52.520
And I was then paying for everything and it was, I lost respect for him to be honest.
00:13:00.700
It kind of came out as quite an outburst one day and I was like, you know, don't feel embarrassed about the fact that every time we go to the movies, I'm getting my purse out and every time we get, you know, and all this.
00:13:12.460
Um, so at that point when I broke up with him, I was getting on for 19.
00:13:19.140
Um, but I loved him, you know, really loved him.
00:13:21.180
He retaliated when I brought that to Ascension by throwing furniture around.
00:13:29.900
Well, he actually wasn't, but he was so ashamed that it was like, he reacted by just throwing the drawers, like punching the wall.
00:13:42.260
And then you said, I pay, I pay for all our dates.
00:13:45.560
Like you, you yelled at him and then he started punching the wall.
00:13:47.720
Yeah, but, but I, and three years, I'd never seen that side of him.
00:14:00.060
But then when he moved on and got into another relationship, I then started to feel like actually, maybe I still love him and wanted to be with him.
00:14:08.200
So it was almost like when he, when someone else wanted him, I wanted him back, you know?
00:14:13.080
And then it actually took a while for me to get over him, which was strange.
00:14:20.140
Then you found out he was dating someone else and you, you wanted him back.
00:14:27.980
So he, he actually was trying to get me back for a period of time.
00:14:31.300
I didn't want to know, but then the moment he got with somebody else, it was a bit of a toxic trait in me, you know, I then wanted him back.
00:14:38.720
Um, and that, that time it was too late because he'd then moved on, moved in, moved in with someone else.
00:14:43.320
And it actually did take me a long time because I sort of thought, oh, you know, maybe he is my, my one true love, you know?
00:14:49.680
Um, he made a mistake, but he's still a good guy and I still love him.
00:14:52.820
So it did take me a while to get over that one, I think, because it was that first significant relationship.
00:15:03.660
Um, my ex-partner and the father of my children, um, I met him when I was 14 years old.
00:15:23.360
So, um, so he was like, he was my first ever boyfriend.
00:15:26.320
And when I met him, I remember this, I was at school and I met him.
00:15:29.920
He came and chatted me up at the bus stop after school with his friends.
00:15:33.460
Um, and I thought he was the most handsome guy that I'd ever seen in my life.
00:15:37.780
And I was super flattered that he was talking to me.
00:15:40.480
Um, so we dated, I say we dated, we were in a little bit of a relationship for maybe
00:15:45.560
Um, and then he broke up with me and I was just, I was heartbroken.
00:15:49.860
I think at that time I really convinced myself that I loved him and that I was mature enough
00:15:55.680
And my friends and my family were like, no, he's not for you.
00:15:59.800
They were obviously seeing something that I didn't see because you're in that bubble of
00:16:03.740
being in love and this juvenile sense of, he's my everything.
00:16:07.460
Like at 14, I don't think you can know what your everything is.
00:16:10.300
Um, so we, we were together first kind of intimate experience and things like that.
00:16:15.660
And I think that I put that, uh, I held that to quite an, you know, on quite a pedal store
00:16:21.800
that I was intimate with somebody for the first time.
00:16:24.020
And so this must be love and we're going to be together forever.
00:16:27.380
Um, we, our relationship came to an end when we was, I don't know, I think maybe like a
00:16:32.900
Um, and I saw other people and things like that, but he would always contact me.
00:16:37.460
So it will be like, we wouldn't speak for maybe like six months or something.
00:16:41.780
And then I'd randomly bump into him in the street, which just kept fueling this sense
00:16:46.000
in my mind of, oh my God, we're clearly meant to be together.
00:16:53.420
Um, I would say again, sort of in line with that whole us bumping into each other and me
00:16:57.460
feeling like it's fate, it's meant to be, oh my gosh.
00:16:59.980
Um, fast forward, I was 19, I'd moved out of my parents.
00:17:06.860
Um, and again, I moved, I moved into a place and on my first day of living there, I've gone
00:17:11.460
to the, like the local shop and he's just there.
00:17:15.500
The pub next door is where he like cashed his checks after work and stuff.
00:17:27.100
We had our daughter when I was 21, uh, our son when I was 20, uh, 22, um, and we had
00:17:36.280
We separated when I was 30, when I was 30, he's only two years older than me.
00:17:41.520
Um, and it was very, in the beginning stages, it was very, I wouldn't say it was very toxic,
00:17:48.240
I was just in this bubble of, I love him and he's who I'm going to be with forever.
00:17:54.560
I would say that I believed he was a nice guy, but in hindsight, he's not a very nice
00:17:59.840
He's a bad, like if you, if you had to classify one, he'd be bad boy category.
00:18:06.440
Like he's got edge about him more like you're just not a very nice person.
00:18:14.080
And I think that was particularly when we had our children, um, we moved away from my parents.
00:18:21.380
I lost quite a few of my friends, I didn't really see my family.
00:18:24.380
So all of my relationships started to take a bit of a, a hit for this love that I thought
00:18:30.420
Um, and I would say by the time, by the time I got to 29, I started to see it for what it
00:18:35.900
And I started to see he was quite narcissistic.
00:18:38.640
He was quite, I would never want to, um, deform his character and say he was narcissistic.
00:18:43.880
But from my experience, I felt like I was being emotionally manipulated, mentally manipulated
00:18:49.780
Um, so we separated when I was 30 and it was actually a really bad breakup, like really,
00:18:57.480
Um, so we've been, we haven't been together for five years, four and a half, five years.
00:19:07.660
My children absolutely adore him and he adores them.
00:19:11.100
They see him very regularly, but he doesn't even give me eye contact.
00:19:18.660
Um, to be honest with you, I think, I think that he didn't take the time to heal from our
00:19:26.680
And if I'm being really transparent, um, I checked out in like the last year of our relationship,
00:19:35.180
He was unfaithful in the beginning of our relationship.
00:19:37.840
Um, it prompted like an open relationship for like a year, which I didn't really want to
00:19:42.900
have, but because he wanted to have it, I kind of agreed with it because I felt like
00:19:47.600
Um, I never stepped out and did anything, but I would like tell him I was going on a
00:19:51.560
date and I'd go to like my girlfriend's house and just chill with her so that he thought
00:19:54.840
I was going on a date because I knew that he would be with someone else.
00:20:02.280
So I'm curious out of everyone here, what, who was anyone not on a get off on again, off
00:20:09.400
Well, I would say for the 10 years we were consistent, but in the first four years we
00:20:26.920
Do you think that women like instability because everyone's, for the most part, everyone's
00:20:37.700
It's not really a choice with them because there's no stable men.
00:20:42.760
My boyfriend is very stable, but there are a lot.
00:20:47.920
I'm very lucky with mine, but there are a lot that aren't.
00:20:51.620
So I feel like if it was up to us, it would all be stable, but there's two of us in it
00:21:02.540
Yeah, but I mean, as a young woman, you have so much choice.
00:21:05.280
Like there's so many men in the friend zone that you know are very stable, but we never
00:21:13.400
It's almost like there's like, I don't know, like a thrill of the ups and downs.
00:21:16.540
Like, even with my ex, I feel like part of the reason why I was even so attracted to him
00:21:21.600
in the first place is because like, he's just unpredictable.
00:21:24.460
Like, you know, them people that you can call them bad people, but they're only good to you.
00:21:29.820
It's that kind of, I don't know if you kind of understand what I'm saying, but it's like
00:21:33.720
it, it makes you feel like, wow, like, makes you feel special.
00:21:38.080
I think women like a challenge when it comes to love.
00:21:40.680
I think they like to feel that they've got to win the guy over.
00:21:48.120
I'm not, I'm still, I'm not old, I'm still young, but you know, it was that feeling of
00:21:51.280
like feeling like in some way, like when with the ex, you know, when I saw him with somebody
00:21:55.700
else, it's like, I want to win him back, you know, because I felt like I had to prove
00:21:59.360
that I was the better one, you know, I think that's, that you can say that's ego or your
00:22:09.260
But I think it's attached to a sense of worthiness that you don't feel worthy for love just to
00:22:13.020
come easy to you, that you have to work for it.
00:22:15.220
And I know that I experienced that growing up with my mum, um, breaking up with my dad when
00:22:20.360
I was three and I swear to God, that woman probably only in the past few years has got over
00:22:25.480
him. It's taken a long time. So I, I, I witnessed that my mum always sort of pining after my
00:22:32.700
dad in this roundabout way. So that's where I learned that behaviour from that feeling like
00:22:37.920
love had to be about pining for someone craving them rather than them just coming easy to
00:22:43.300
I feel like there's, um, that's one way to look at it. But from my experience, like I
00:22:47.780
have had something that's like kind of up and down stuff. And I feel like as women, we,
00:22:52.880
when we get emotionally attached, we kind of feel like, from my experience, I'm like, oh,
00:22:57.040
you know, I know, um, that there might be some flaws in this person, but I've seen people change.
00:23:02.520
Um, they can change too. I know the right way. They just have to see the right way.
00:23:08.520
Yeah. I've changed a lot. Anyone can change. I think.
00:23:12.080
I feel like people get worse over time. Actually. I actually don't think that, I don't know a single
00:23:18.360
It depends which way you flip the coin. And you can either come out of a relationship
00:23:23.600
better, or it can drain you to the point where you feel worse than yourself. It depends
00:23:27.820
about obviously the people that you are before you go there in the first place.
00:23:30.880
I mean, I think I hear a lot of people that say they changed, but then I watch their relationships
00:23:37.460
I think traits are difficult to change, but behaviours can be changed.
00:23:43.060
Cause you have to like look at the, um, the personality traits and the behaviour it causes.
00:23:47.940
And then you have to look at, um, like you have emotional logic and you have logical logic
00:23:52.220
and you have to choose which one suits, um, that situation at the time.
00:23:56.740
When you say emotional logic, how can you give an example?
00:23:59.460
For example, for example, I'll use a situation with one of my friends.
00:24:02.660
Um, we used to get into arguments because I would explain to them, you have to, um, pay attention
00:24:07.880
to your emotions and you have to work through them. That is logical.
00:24:10.700
It's using your emotions, but it's being logical. And they were like, no, no, no, I don't need
00:24:14.000
to look at my emotions right now. I have things to focus on so on and so forth, but, um, unresolved
00:24:19.020
emotions were getting in the way of them sorting out what they needed to sort out because they
00:24:24.880
would just, um, go blush out every so often and this, that, that, that, that, um, I don't
00:24:31.640
I was going to say, like, I kind of, I feel where you're going with it, but I disagree.
00:24:36.520
I think their logic and emotion are two completely different things. They are two completely
00:24:41.200
different things. If you're operating from a place of emotion, that is a feeling. It's
00:24:46.840
It's emotional intelligence though, isn't there? And that's, yeah, well, that that's not
00:24:50.740
being questioned. It like the logic is logical is what makes sense. If we look at this on paper,
00:24:56.160
what makes sense? This is, I'm going to think this through and what is logical a to be an emotion
00:25:02.960
Why don't, why don't women ever pick partners that make sense?
00:25:06.840
Because I think that they lead with their emotions. I think as women, we, we tend to,
00:25:10.540
and I think that when you were interested in somebody, you, your all logic goes out of
00:25:15.020
I just want to quickly say, um, going back to your point, um, maybe I worded what I said
00:25:20.420
wrong. So yes, of course, an emotion is a feeling. However, you can look at that feeling
00:25:24.560
and be like, is it logical to feel this way? Like for instance, someone might say something
00:25:28.160
and I feel like women do this a lot. Um, men even actually do it. People do this a lot.
00:25:32.320
Someone will say something to you and then you'll be like, Oh, are you trying to say I'm
00:25:34.600
this? So on and so forth, because you're reacting with a feeling like, um, you might feel ashamed
00:25:38.620
so on and so forth, but you have to take a step back and logically, logically look, is this
00:25:42.180
feeling actually, um, rooted in my own insecurities, whatever, whatever. And then if it's illogical
00:25:48.060
to feel that feeling, then that's what I will call emotional logic, because then you've looked
00:25:52.460
at that emotion with logic. Obviously there's, um, logic that comes, that's objective logic.
00:25:57.920
Feeling is something, um, personal and therefore that's why I separated the two kind of things.
00:26:01.880
So I get what you're trying to say. You're trying to basically say like, I don't know if someone
00:26:06.200
comes and knocks your drink on your lap or something and you'd be like, what the fuck?
00:26:10.920
Exactly. But if you step back and think about it, you think, Oh, it might be an accident.
00:26:14.620
You get me like, let me just leave this person alone. Like, so you're saying sometimes it's
00:26:17.820
about taking responsibility for your own feelings that it's not necessarily like understanding
00:26:22.440
where that feeling is coming from and tracking yourself in that sense.
00:26:26.160
It's not about, um, taking responsibility for your own feeling per se, because sometimes
00:26:30.240
the way you feel is the other person's fault. However, it's about being the bigger person
00:26:34.660
to your own feelings and be like, you know what? I'm big enough that I can deal with
00:26:37.660
this without projecting it outside. And therefore I'm going to go about this situation with logic.
00:26:46.040
I agree with you actually. I feel, I feel like your feelings don't matter. I mean, as women,
00:26:49.960
we feel one way, one day we're about to get our period. Then we feel another, then, then
00:26:55.620
it's like, we're in even this, most of us on the couch, we're in for a minute and we go
00:27:00.580
back. Then we leave. Then we go. I just, I feel like love is a choice. And I feel like, I feel
00:27:07.620
like you're right. I think that, you know, we should operate with more emotion, but we don't
00:27:13.620
I feel like, um, a lot of women, um, a lot of people in general, I should say they do
00:27:17.280
not have a lot of organic thoughts. Their thoughts are, like I was saying earlier, you
00:27:22.080
can make anything make sense. And there's a lot of social media input and all these
00:27:25.180
kinds of things. So, um, a woman will be like, oh, you know, this is the man I want because
00:27:29.400
of ABCD reasons. And then they'll get, um, too deeply involved in that. And then they won't
00:27:33.660
be able to realize, oh, this is not actually what's good for me. This is just what I've
00:27:37.080
been influenced to think that I want, but actually it doesn't really work for me. And
00:27:40.540
then they kind of get stuck in that cycle kind of thing. And that's to answer your question.
00:27:45.420
But then again, if love is a choice, then how are we all just like not choosing and
00:27:51.580
choosing to like love these men? You know what I mean?
00:27:55.660
Because if he, if you choose bad, but, but we don't choose it. We feel it.
00:28:02.140
You can't control these emotions because you know, the person is bad for you. So why
00:28:06.180
would anyone go, I'm going to choose that anyway? No, because you fit like you love them
00:28:11.500
I think you can control it though, don't you? I think sometimes we just let it get a bit
00:28:15.340
I mean, you choose who you have sex with. So, you know, you could, you could feel one way
00:28:19.220
about a guy, but you know, if you see red flag, red flag, you don't have to sleep.
00:28:26.140
I feel like you can't, like, for example, you could be with someone for a long time. You really,
00:28:30.140
like, you know that you love them. You can't just switch it off when you realise they're
00:28:33.580
starting to act different. You can't just like, just turn it off and be like, yeah,
00:28:40.620
You can make a choice to leave them, but it's not going to stop what you feel. You get
00:28:44.460
me? Like, you can still feel a way like you might even miss them because now you feel like
00:28:48.940
you love the person. They've done you like this, but you've left. And now you're feeling
00:28:52.460
like, oh, that's what makes people want to go back as well. Because it's like, oh, like,
00:28:56.620
you start to second guess like, oh, did they even do this that bad? Was it, was it, was it me?
00:29:00.780
Was I overreacting? Like, it's, it's not a choice, in my opinion.
00:29:04.540
I mean, how is it, how is it not a choice if you're going to be with someone or not be with someone?
00:29:09.900
You can feel how you feel, but the choices you make.
00:29:12.300
That's a choice, but I meant love is not a choice. Like, you can't choose to turn off your
00:29:17.740
Yeah, but I feel like feelings are going to come and go. So if you're going to be married
00:29:21.020
for 50 years, do you think you're always going to feel in love?
00:29:23.740
That's what I'm saying. I think it's a choice at the end of the day.
00:29:26.940
Your parents want to beat your brains out sometimes, right? Like when you're a kid.
00:29:29.980
Yeah, but they always love you though. So one day my mum can't like tomorrow say,
00:29:35.500
you know what, Amber? Don't love you no more. It's gone. Completely gone.
00:29:40.140
But I bet sometimes they feel like that when you're acting a certain way.
00:29:43.260
I do not think that they do. So you think your parents sometimes are like, pal?
00:29:48.380
I feel like sometimes they felt like they wanted to kill me, you know?
00:29:55.100
My mum's definitely wanted to kill me a couple of times.
00:29:57.660
So that's the thing. It's unconditional love with children.
00:30:01.020
Yeah. If I was to ask, like with your kids, I'll turn around to you and say, oh, maybe
00:30:08.860
But that's what I'm saying. It's a different type of love. There's different types of love,
00:30:11.580
isn't there? There's not just one type. So there's like agape love, that romantic love.
00:30:15.340
There's that. I can't think of what the children, but definitely with the children,
00:30:18.700
it's that unconditional love. Whereas with men or partners, it is conditional to some degree.
00:30:25.340
But I don't feel like you choose any of it. And I feel like, especially cool,
00:30:29.660
like you know how we were talking about how we were in relationships when we were younger.
00:30:32.700
I feel like when you're younger, you confuse the different types of love. Like you might think,
00:30:36.460
okay, I love this person. So even if they do this to me, it's not going to stop me feeling this way.
00:30:41.100
So it kind of comes off as unconditional, but obviously at that age, you don't really understand,
00:30:46.460
Do you think women would have better outcomes if her parents picked a husband for us?
00:30:51.500
Yeah, I do actually. Yeah, I think that arranged marriages have got very good success rate.
00:30:58.140
I don't know, because also sometimes my mum will buy me like a rug for my room and I hate it.
00:31:03.820
I think a lot of time we go after chemistry, don't we? But that's what we're feeling with these guys.
00:31:08.700
It's the chemistry. It's not necessarily like this, like you mentioned earlier, I hope you don't mind.
00:31:13.660
But you know, this sort of calming effect this person has on you. I understand that now today to be love
00:31:19.260
when actually someone is like my peace and my calm. Whereas when you're younger, you go after the
00:31:24.780
frill, you go after the excitement there, you know, so I just think that it's also like a hormonal response.
00:31:30.140
When did that switch for you from going for the exciting guy to the more calm, peaceful guy?
00:31:39.980
Around 30. Yeah. 29, 30. When I, when I, when I felt pregnant at 30.
00:31:46.540
I felt pregnant with a guy I was with friends with for like five years. And then we had a family
00:31:51.180
together very quickly. Oh, wow. Yeah. Yeah. And I kind of can't help but feel that there's a,
00:31:55.820
there's a huge difference. And I think that for us, sometimes we get them a little bit confused.
00:31:59.580
There's a big difference between love and lust and, and what we think, you know, that whole excitement,
00:32:03.980
that thrill, that, oh, this is so not good for me, but I just want it anyway. Oh, he wants me.
00:32:09.100
He desires me. He lusts me. Um, yeah, there's a big difference between the two. And I think when,
00:32:14.060
for me anyway, at the young age that I was, I, I don't know if I can leave it. The first phase of
00:32:20.620
our relationship was definitely lusty. I think I, I put him on a pedestal to some degree. Um,
00:32:25.660
when we had the kids, it was love, but I think it was more staying in a situation for the,
00:32:29.900
for the wrong reasons, if that makes sense. Um, so now, uh, after coming out of that relationship,
00:32:35.260
I was single for a long time, like five years of single for, um, and I, I reflect on the chaos
00:32:42.780
that was the last relationship and the war that I went through in the end of it. So now that I'm,
00:32:47.820
well, over the five years, sort of coming to a place where you're comfortable with yourself,
00:32:51.820
you, you really love yourself. You really know your worth and what you want from a person.
00:32:57.820
It changes your view on, on your relationships. But you know how you're talking about obviously
00:33:02.460
lust and love and stuff. Don't you think that relationships come after lust? Because at the
00:33:07.660
end of the day, for somebody to be attracted to you and to want to get to know you like that,
00:33:11.660
it's all about physical attraction, how they feel about you in the beginning. So I feel like
00:33:16.140
lust kind of can in a way play into love because it comes that way. Not really. No one could turn my
00:33:22.140
head that I really fancy now. I don't care how hot a guy is. You couldn't turn my head now.
00:33:25.980
You know what I mean? But if cool, you were chatting to somebody, let's say you find them
00:33:29.660
attractive, whatever, they start ticking your boxes as you go one by one. And then at the end
00:33:35.180
of the day, you're going to start feeling this person. You're going to start. It starts off as a lust.
00:33:37.740
Yeah. You're going to start getting the chat. Looks fade as well. Do you think historically women have
00:33:41.900
gone after looks? Yeah. I think so. Yeah. No, actually I think women actually go after like dominance
00:33:51.580
in a kind of way, like the man who's manlier kind of thing. Like even if you look back
00:33:55.900
in history and stuff, they'll go after the man, I don't know, who's killed so many people. I don't
00:33:59.660
know about history either. But they'll go after these men that are showing their strength. You get
00:34:04.140
it? Nobody wants a simp. So at the end of the day, everybody wants to go for a man that's showing
00:34:09.180
his manliness. You don't have to be the best looking guy in the world. But as long as you are coming off
00:34:13.260
as a man, I feel like. You get it? I think with dating apps, everybody's so looks focused now,
00:34:18.780
the women included, you know, it's just, it's literally yes, no, yes. I mean, how can you make a decision
00:34:23.420
about your husband by looking at one photograph on it on a dating app? You know, but they're doing it.
00:34:28.860
They're saying no to these guys who are good guys, good character. Because how much can you tell
00:34:34.300
from one picture? Well, you can't, but they're making that decision. Who do you guys think is
00:34:38.380
pickier with looks? Men or women? Men, men. 100. No, I think women for sure.
00:34:45.660
No, absolutely not. How many women get with ugly guys? Okay, okay. So would you say that
00:34:51.020
dating apps is primarily looks? Yes. Agreed. I've seen a lot of things about like the captions
00:34:57.660
as well or how they slide into the DMs. I've never actually had like a conversation with a load of
00:35:03.980
girls and it's about looks, not really. Would you say that when people select on dating apps,
00:35:09.580
it's mostly through looks? I don't really know because I've never really been on anything. Well,
00:35:13.100
I think men just swipe near enough everyone and then they whittle down once they've got all the
00:35:16.700
matches and work out who they want to invest time to get to know. What percent of men do you think
00:35:22.380
women swipe right on? All of them. Five percent. Five percent. Women, what percentage of men do women
00:35:28.700
swipe on? I'm going to say like 10 percent. 10 percent. Probably 10 percent, yeah. Yeah, I'd think that
00:35:34.940
because obviously if you're in person, it's the same kind of thing. Like you get more guys trying
00:35:40.460
to approach women than women trying to approach guys. I'm not going to lie. I've never approached
00:35:44.060
a guy like that unless unless I was drunk or something like it was for jokes. But I don't really do
00:35:49.820
that. So I feel like if men are doing that anyway, why not on a dating app? Would men not be the ones
00:35:54.380
to approach the women? I don't think the men are analysing the profiles like the women are. So what
00:35:58.940
percent of the time do you think men swipe right on dating apps? So wait, wait, what do you think?
00:36:02.940
I thought the question was for girls. For girls and guys. I think girls swipe on men like five
00:36:09.340
percent because we expect men to be dominant and pursuers. But men swipe on older women,
00:36:16.220
I think 95 percent or 85 percent. Because I have guy friends and some of them swipe left.
00:36:25.100
So who's pickier when it comes to looks, men or women? That's an unfair thing to say. I know guys,
00:36:31.980
they will not find a girl attractive and they'll still do what they're doing, if that makes sense.
00:36:36.620
I feel like to base it off a dating app is an unfair basis because when it comes down to it,
00:36:44.060
men want someone who they think is beautiful. Women are more for the protection that they can get,
00:36:51.740
how they can build a future of the man, so on and so forth. Looks do play a part. However,
00:36:57.180
there's a lot more that feeds into it. And a man is going to, a man, okay.
00:37:01.260
But you don't think on a dating app that's mostly looks? So when we're selecting based on looks,
00:37:06.460
who's pickier? That's why I said it's unfair because a dating app is unfair because a woman
00:37:10.620
is going to look at a lot more than just looks. Because for me, I can only speak for myself
00:37:14.460
actually, but when I'm looking at someone's profile or whatever, I'm not even on dating apps
00:37:18.220
to date, just to say that sounds really bad. I'm not on dating apps for any reason,
00:37:21.820
just sometimes I'm bored. This is a hobby for you. But like, you know, like at two o'clock in
00:37:29.100
the morning, like I don't scroll through Instagram, whatever, whatever. I'm just like, I'm about to
00:37:32.540
go to sleep. Who are you trying to talk to at 2am in the morning? I don't talk. This is the thing.
00:37:35.900
This is the bad thing. I don't talk to anyone. I'm just like, oh, let me look at the weird people
00:37:40.300
about and that's what I'm saying. If I see someone who looks weird or interesting or something like
00:37:44.700
that, then I might swipe right on them, have like a small conversation, see what I can learn from
00:37:48.700
them and then carry on with my day. It's not necessarily about looks and all these kind of
00:37:52.060
things. And I do you think women are picky about height? Oh, yeah, I don't know. Would you guys
00:38:00.220
date a guy? Would you guys would you guys date a guy that is two inches, three inches shorter than
00:38:05.580
you? No, no, because if you're already shorter than me, what about when I wear heels? You're gonna think
00:38:10.780
people don't think you're my child. I think I have done. Yes. And I'm quite tall.
00:38:15.260
I've dated some of my height. No, shorter, I said. Not three inches, sort of, no. No, shorter.
00:38:20.780
No, no, no. Shorter. No, no. I'm just curious out of the guys, would you guys date a girl
00:38:25.820
if she looked good, three inches taller than you? Yeah. Yeah. Blessing. Yeah, he's nodding.
00:38:32.140
Who's pickier, men or women when it comes to looks? But the height and looks, I feel like height and looks.
00:38:38.860
We could do weight, even. Women weigh more than men. Oh, this one, though. This one.
00:38:45.660
Yeah, do you know what height? The thing is, yeah, no, I actually have like a, the thing is, with
00:38:49.420
women, when women are bigger. No, it's based on BMI. It's based on BMI. So women have like a worse
00:38:57.420
BMI than men. Yeah, yeah. But that's because we're curvier and we've got more, we've got thighs.
00:39:01.180
We've got hips and bum and all that. No, that's just because we eat more. Okay, fine. But we do have
00:39:05.900
like the extra weight. No, um, boobs and stuff. No, but I'm saying like for our height. So we, we,
00:39:12.620
we're fatter for our height. So they, yeah. Like if you look at BMI of a man and BMI of a woman,
00:39:18.140
women are fatter. I think women have to be pickier. I don't think that, um. I'm not saying it's a bad
00:39:23.260
thing. I'm just saying even with looks, we're pickier. We have to be though, because at the end of the day,
00:39:27.580
man can go and do whatever they want with so many different women, but we have to think about our
00:39:32.380
future offspring and all these kinds of things. And I'm sorry, I'm not going to pick a man if I
00:39:35.660
think he has bad genetics, if he has bad work drive, if he has bad, all of these different kinds of
00:39:39.500
things. So I have to be picky. What percent of men do you think are sexually active? All of them?
00:39:45.180
No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Like 80% of men. 80%? No, no, no. I think 65. I think 99.9. 40, 40%.
00:39:52.460
There's a lot of pressure on men nowadays. I think a lot of them are looking after themselves.
00:39:58.300
Yeah. What about you? Oh God, I don't know, like 99.9%? I'm joking. No, just something very high.
00:40:06.860
I don't think anything, maybe 80, 80 something. Yeah. What if I told you one out of every three men
00:40:12.780
under 30 are either virgins or haven't had sex in the past year? I believe you. In which country though?
00:40:18.220
I love that. This country. Oh, I love America. There's a lot of frustrated men out there.
00:40:22.940
There's a lot of incels. But also like, if you consider like, you know, not every guy is a 10,
00:40:28.380
same way like not every girl is a 10, but there are guys who are socially awkward. There are guys
00:40:32.380
that just don't have that game. There are a lot of guys that get missed out because they don't have that
00:40:36.380
look that women are looking for, or they don't have that alpha that women are looking for. And there's
00:40:42.060
people who do it for religious purpose as well. What? I promise you, these guys are not.
00:40:48.140
I promise you. Yeah. Not even people that want to do it before marriage and that.
00:40:52.380
I know there's a couple, I guarantee. It's not 33%.
00:40:55.420
And these are nice guys then, you reckon? These are the nice guys.
00:40:58.140
Yeah, they won't cheat on you. I mean, I mean, they got no one else to pick.
00:41:04.460
But that's what I say. We pick instability, right? We could pick the stable guys that aren't seeing
00:41:09.100
anyone else, but we pick the guys that are seeing. Like, that's why you guys think that
00:41:12.300
see all the guys are sexually active because you pick the guys that are.
00:41:16.780
What percent of guys do you think are over six foot?
00:41:19.820
Oh, there isn't that many. Less than 10% probably.
00:41:25.420
The guys that are over six foot that are active or just how many guys are just over six foot?
00:41:29.420
Yeah, there's, I mean, I'd say like, I don't know, like 40, 50% of men are over six foot.
00:41:36.060
No, but across the board, not just the UK, right? Across the board?
00:41:53.660
And these five foot two women that are demanding a six foot plus man.
00:41:58.860
Like, I can't lie. I would get with a guy who's like, still in the five foot,
00:42:02.060
because I'm only five foot five. You can be five foot nine.
00:42:09.500
But I think everyone's allowed to have a preference of height.
00:42:12.300
Yeah, you can have a preference, but there's not enough to go around.
00:42:19.260
Like, I mean, historically, we needed a guy that could protect us.
00:42:22.380
What would you rather stay single or just wait for the, you know, the six foot something guy?
00:42:26.700
Well, listen, there's only 15% of these men that are over six foot.
00:42:29.500
And you're telling me all the five foot twos want to be taking them.
00:42:32.860
A lot of the short girls are the ones that go for the extra.
00:42:38.380
And what percent of those guys are good looking too?
00:42:40.700
So it's like, typically, if you select a guy, he's had to meet multiple metrics.
00:42:44.780
And it's a very small percentage of men that most women are after.
00:42:52.700
Yeah, those guys, the other ones, they've got their pick, haven't they?
00:42:58.220
But then you have one out of three men that are either virgins or haven't had sex in the past year.
00:43:12.700
I mean, there's a million, you don't really notice it,
00:43:14.300
but there's a million men that like we just like don't see.
00:43:18.860
if they're not getting picked for the fact that they're meeting these metrics.
00:43:22.220
I mean, you've heard like six foot, six figures, six pack.
00:43:32.060
Most have got dad bods, even when they're not dads.
00:43:34.300
But there's like a thing which a lot of girls like dad bods.
00:43:51.100
But honestly, like, you know, women have had children.
00:43:54.140
Men almost expect us to look like we've never had children.
00:44:01.340
They want you to keep in shape regardless if you had children.
00:44:04.460
I think that that's a pressure that we put on ourselves to do that.
00:44:07.740
I think there are a lot that don't expect that, actually.
00:44:10.540
Or I just know some really kind men and really good men.
00:44:13.260
I feel like guys expect you to gain like 10, 20 pounds.
00:44:18.220
What I don't think they expect is for you to blow up like a balloon
00:44:24.300
You know, I think most guys are forgiving 10, 20 pounds,
00:44:27.260
but it's just like when you look like a completely different person.
00:44:30.940
Well, you know, it's like after you have a baby,
00:44:32.620
I've heard like that's when men are most likely like to step out on you
00:44:35.900
because you can't have sex for a certain amount of months after you give birth.
00:44:40.620
Your body's changed, like your whole body's different.
00:44:42.460
So it's like if the guy is not really like, I don't know.
00:44:48.460
He ain't got energy to be doing that in those first six weeks.
00:44:55.900
Like you've to understand, it's such a small percentage of men
00:44:58.780
that even have girls coming to them like that to the point that they can cheat.
00:45:05.260
Like it's harder than you think for a guy to get laid.
00:45:07.980
I think that we think it's easier, but it is just the guys that women are choosing.
00:45:13.500
It's easier for women to get that side of things, I'd imagine, isn't it really?
00:45:17.580
A woman can go on a night out, quite easy for her to go home with a fella, isn't it?